For me it's not a desire but a need. I want to take up more space but need to take up less. So as not to be the annoying neurodivergent person being different.
Same, but then I realised that no matter what I did people would still avoid me. So now I do, wear and eat what I want. So now I'm happy with myself and no worse off socially
I think what you said makes a lot of sense. I don’t have an eating disorder but I have tried to show myself as “less weird” just to try to fit in with any group of ppl bc if I’m fully myself, that’s when rejection has happened. But, I also want to say how cool it was that you said you’re “just not that confident yet.” It’s the “yet” I found inspiring and it is hard to get to that point where a person can phrase it like that! I think that’s really great! It’s taken me all my life (40 years 😬) to feel any kind of confidence. And it still fluctuates, especially when my body changes. But I know that having self confidence is possible, and it’s so great to hear you say it like that too! I’m proud of you!
I have AuDHD, like you. My eating disorder comes from textures, and smells. And then after eating things I didn’t want to, and throwing them up, so now I can’t eat them at all. Hence Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake ….disorder. I avoid, and restrict, until anorexia. Then I just couldn’t keep anything down and ended up on a feeding tube for the rest of my life. The funny part is, I love my feeding tube. I never have to decide what to eat. If I feel sick from stress, or smells….I still get all my nutrients. And ‘preparing a meal’ takes 15 minutes. Brilliant! Thank you for sharing a different side to the eating disorders we have.
I can relate to this in the sense that I have always tried to reject parts of myself that felt easy to reject just so that I would have one less thing that made me stick out or be different.
This makes absolute perfect sense. When I put weight on I go out less and less…..sometimes not at for months (once years) on end, because I feel so noticeable. I want to be able to slip by quickly when out and about like a little fish, not stomp slowly like (how I perceive to be) a great cow. It also doesn’t help that when I put weight on having a pear shaped body. The sensation of my thighs touching against each other, especially when certain wearing clothes, is almost unbearable and accentuates feeling fat even further.
Makes total sense. I am plus size and autistic and 52. I'm slowly accepting all of this (late diagnosis) and truly for me it's all about my self worth and value and building that up so that "being me" is no longer about being different, just about authentically living day to day meeting my needs unapologetically. It takes a long time to unprogramme all Ive learnt BD (before diagnosis 😜), so that it begins to feel ok to be myself. ATM the time I spend feeling not ok has reduced, so that's progress. Your videos have helped me enormously so thank you. And for what it's worth,I've always perceived you as being totally cool 😎, it's your whole persona ❤
For me, I realise I have ARFID. There's sensory, executive function, phobia stuff going on...but the social thing is massive with me. I love food, good quality food, and devour many types when I'm out with friends. I'm often okay, but there can be pressure to fit in, maybe because I seem 'normal'. However, once I'm home, I'm a mess. I'm newly single after 15 years, and grieving. My eating is erratic, lacks variety, and my kitchen disorganised. No one realises how problematic it is because I'm not that big. I'm both terrified of putting weight on, and of unhealthy weight loss. I just can't win! 😆
This makes a lot of sense. The logic being that if you look Same you stand out less. I hope you will have the confidence to step beyond that now you are aware. Same is not all that 😊 Different is awesome. I have been lucky to have had good friends over the years who not only accept but embrace the different. I've only just realised that I had a fairly serious issue with food when I was younger, but that it was more likely to do with wanting to control an external aspect of my life to feel more settled. I found for me that it is wanting Sameness and Predictability. I probably only ate about 5 different sorts of meals throughout my teens. I always chose the same at lunch at school. I basically lived on milkshakes at home. I'm still that way now if I'm choosing for myself. My partner (and trusted others) can get me to eat other dishes if they make and choose them.
Exactly. Also if I gain weight it is kind of uncomfortable. Like sensory vise. I feel like there is too much ‘things’ on my body and I feel really really uncomfortable
Even after i started to notice that i didnt quite check all the neurotypical boxes, i had a lot of self worth tied into the way that i look. I struggled to hold conversations and made people uncomfortable with the things i said, but those conversations sometimes began with a compliment. It tought me a lot, including how to compliment others. I had more practice conversations than i ever did when i put weight on, or stopped wearing makeup. Eventually i gained enough experience socialising to stop caring about how i looked but not before ruining my body - my posture is ruined, my muscles are weak, and i wish i could go back and start not caring sooner.
Thank you so much Ella, I relate a lot. And you explained it so well. Do you feel like disordered thinking can be tied with the developmental delay and advertising experience for autistic teenagers? I find that most of my personal self distractive ideations were initially developed in teenage hood and kinda “ solidified” in my self-thought patterns? I experienced so much rejection all of my life but in teenage hood it is so essential to be accepted by your social circle, being understanding others and being understood, fluent communication and etc for the healthy development of the teenage-self - my developmental processes were a-typical and it felt like it was so hard to be myself as a teen. I still carry this feelings as a developmentally challenged adolescent, but I have much more compassion towards that type of complexity. Taking space (any space) and requiring accommodation (making people behave outside of their usual ways, which can be uncomfortable before it feels natural - which my sensual and emotional self perceive as making others uncomfortable, all of the time) nit being able to access the public urban environment (at all without having assistance, which is why I want to apply to SD shcool ASAP. Plus my empathy- I assume the discomfortI inflict on others is as overwhelming as a meltdown type of situation- it is not for them , but I think it is. Makes any sense?) while being assumed by majority to be “just a little bit autistic” or “more normal” it stings.
Hi I struggle with PTSD, bipolar, severe depression, body dysmorphia. My therapist thinks I should be tested for ADHD. I have an autistic son with Oppositional defiance disorder. I am beginning to wonder if I may be on the spectrum as well?
I understand this too. I’m 5 foot 7 inches and although this isn’t extremely tall, it’s tall enough to feel conspicuous. I feel like a little borrower trapped inside a giants body. Also, it seems some people somehow expect you to be more confident the taller you are.
@@azuregiant9258 Yes, they assume anpther personality by seeing the body. That was my thpught from early teenage years on. I looked also years older that times I so much wanted to have a body that fits my personality more. I "felt" I am fragile, small, quiet inside a curvy, tall body and this annoying öoud ADHD-outside, which doesn't fot with my true more ASD-inside-personality. People expect me beeing much stronger then I am, they really are getting angry if I am not. Like doctors don't believe You are in heavy pain.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf This is *exactly* what I feel. It's so great to know there are people who understand, even if it is just social media. I went through puberty early and I have high cheek bones, which all made me look like a woman.....but I was still a little girl emotionally. Even now I am childlike in my emotions. Though on a side note have felt/feel like an ancient person in the depths of my being.
This video made me feel bad about my own body. I feel like this kind of thinking is so pervasive in society that if you present it without any counter argument or positivity, it just feeds into the culture that says being fat is a bad thing
The desire to take up less space is deeply relatable
For me it's not a desire but a need. I want to take up more space but need to take up less. So as not to be the annoying neurodivergent person being different.
Same, but then I realised that no matter what I did people would still avoid me. So now I do, wear and eat what I want. So now I'm happy with myself and no worse off socially
I think what you said makes a lot of sense. I don’t have an eating disorder but I have tried to show myself as “less weird” just to try to fit in with any group of ppl bc if I’m fully myself, that’s when rejection has happened. But, I also want to say how cool it was that you said you’re “just not that confident yet.” It’s the “yet” I found inspiring and it is hard to get to that point where a person can phrase it like that! I think that’s really great! It’s taken me all my life (40 years 😬) to feel any kind of confidence. And it still fluctuates, especially when my body changes. But I know that having self confidence is possible, and it’s so great to hear you say it like that too! I’m proud of you!
I have AuDHD, like you. My eating disorder comes from textures, and smells. And then after eating things I didn’t want to, and throwing them up, so now I can’t eat them at all. Hence Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake ….disorder. I avoid, and restrict, until anorexia. Then I just couldn’t keep anything down and ended up on a feeding tube for the rest of my life. The funny part is, I love my feeding tube. I never have to decide what to eat. If I feel sick from stress, or smells….I still get all my nutrients. And ‘preparing a meal’ takes 15 minutes. Brilliant!
Thank you for sharing a different side to the eating disorders we have.
I can completely resonate with this. Thank you for being so authentic in speaking about your experience❤❤❤
I have binge eating disorder which isn’t about controlling weight but it’s controlling feelings I think? Also, love your TARDIS tattoo 😉
I can relate to this in the sense that I have always tried to reject parts of myself that felt easy to reject just so that I would have one less thing that made me stick out or be different.
This makes absolute perfect sense. When I put weight on I go out less and less…..sometimes not at for months (once years) on end, because I feel so noticeable. I want to be able to slip by quickly when out and about like a little fish, not stomp slowly like (how I perceive to be) a great cow.
It also doesn’t help that when I put weight on having a pear shaped body. The sensation of my thighs touching against each other, especially when certain wearing clothes, is almost unbearable and accentuates feeling fat even further.
This resonates with me, but also that i could gave one thing i was 'good at'. I still can't get used to my bigger body but i want to.
100% all this. Thank you for sharing ❤
Makes total sense. I am plus size and autistic and 52. I'm slowly accepting all of this (late diagnosis) and truly for me it's all about my self worth and value and building that up so that "being me" is no longer about being different, just about authentically living day to day meeting my needs unapologetically.
It takes a long time to unprogramme all Ive learnt BD (before diagnosis 😜), so that it begins to feel ok to be myself. ATM the time I spend feeling not ok has reduced, so that's progress.
Your videos have helped me enormously so thank you.
And for what it's worth,I've always perceived you as being totally cool 😎, it's your whole persona ❤
How late was yr diagnosis please?
(& how did you finally get that?🙏💜
For me, I realise I have ARFID. There's sensory, executive function, phobia stuff going on...but the social thing is massive with me.
I love food, good quality food, and devour many types when I'm out with friends.
I'm often okay, but there can be pressure to fit in, maybe because I seem 'normal'.
However, once I'm home, I'm a mess. I'm newly single after 15 years, and grieving. My eating is erratic, lacks variety, and my kitchen disorganised. No one realises how problematic it is because I'm not that big.
I'm both terrified of putting weight on, and of unhealthy weight loss.
I just can't win! 😆
Hi I am Andrew I am Autistic with AD HD OCD PDA 67 now I am really struggling
This makes a lot of sense. The logic being that if you look Same you stand out less. I hope you will have the confidence to step beyond that now you are aware. Same is not all that 😊 Different is awesome. I have been lucky to have had good friends over the years who not only accept but embrace the different.
I've only just realised that I had a fairly serious issue with food when I was younger, but that it was more likely to do with wanting to control an external aspect of my life to feel more settled. I found for me that it is wanting Sameness and Predictability. I probably only ate about 5 different sorts of meals throughout my teens. I always chose the same at lunch at school. I basically lived on milkshakes at home. I'm still that way now if I'm choosing for myself. My partner (and trusted others) can get me to eat other dishes if they make and choose them.
That makes sense. I can’t relate to that anymore, but I very much used to think like that.
Exactly. Also if I gain weight it is kind of uncomfortable. Like sensory vise. I feel like there is too much ‘things’ on my body and I feel really really uncomfortable
Even after i started to notice that i didnt quite check all the neurotypical boxes, i had a lot of self worth tied into the way that i look. I struggled to hold conversations and made people uncomfortable with the things i said, but those conversations sometimes began with a compliment. It tought me a lot, including how to compliment others. I had more practice conversations than i ever did when i put weight on, or stopped wearing makeup.
Eventually i gained enough experience socialising to stop caring about how i looked but not before ruining my body - my posture is ruined, my muscles are weak, and i wish i could go back and start not caring sooner.
good catch on the psychology, the psychelogical-conflation, there. :)
this is so perfectly said
Thank you so much Ella, I relate a lot. And you explained it so well.
Do you feel like disordered thinking can be tied with the developmental delay and advertising experience for autistic teenagers? I find that most of my personal self distractive ideations were initially developed in teenage hood and kinda “ solidified” in my self-thought patterns?
I experienced so much rejection all of my life but in teenage hood it is so essential to be accepted by your social circle, being understanding others and being understood, fluent communication and etc for the healthy development of the teenage-self - my developmental processes were a-typical and it felt like it was so hard to be myself as a teen. I still carry this feelings as a developmentally challenged adolescent, but I have much more compassion towards that type of complexity.
Taking space (any space) and requiring accommodation (making people behave outside of their usual ways, which can be uncomfortable before it feels natural - which my sensual and emotional self perceive as making others uncomfortable, all of the time) nit being able to access the public urban environment (at all without having assistance, which is why I want to apply to SD shcool ASAP. Plus my empathy- I assume the discomfortI inflict on others is as overwhelming as a meltdown type of situation- it is not for them , but I think it is. Makes any sense?) while being assumed by majority to be “just a little bit autistic” or “more normal” it stings.
Hi I struggle with PTSD, bipolar, severe depression, body dysmorphia. My therapist thinks I should be tested for ADHD. I have an autistic son with Oppositional defiance disorder. I am beginning to wonder if I may be on the spectrum as well?
That is exactly how I feel gotten fat (and I am a tall woman, have always been the "taller then others in my age"-girl).
I hate that I am so visible.
I understand this too. I’m 5 foot 7 inches and although this isn’t extremely tall, it’s tall enough to feel conspicuous. I feel like a little borrower trapped inside a giants body. Also, it seems some people somehow expect you to be more confident the taller you are.
@@azuregiant9258 Yes, they assume anpther personality by seeing the body.
That was my thpught from early teenage years on.
I looked also years older that times
I so much wanted to have a body that fits my personality more.
I "felt" I am fragile, small, quiet inside a curvy, tall body and this annoying öoud ADHD-outside, which doesn't fot with my true more ASD-inside-personality.
People expect me beeing much stronger then I am, they really are getting angry if I am not.
Like doctors don't believe You are in heavy pain.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf This is *exactly* what I feel. It's so great to know there are people who understand, even if it is just social media.
I went through puberty early and I have high cheek bones, which all made me look like a woman.....but I was still a little girl emotionally.
Even now I am childlike in my emotions. Though on a side note have felt/feel like an ancient person in the depths of my being.
Edit: I have also had the same issue with doctors.
❤
My entire life is defined by too much and not enough
For me I think I stim when I binge :(
This video made me feel bad about my own body. I feel like this kind of thinking is so pervasive in society that if you present it without any counter argument or positivity, it just feeds into the culture that says being fat is a bad thing
❤