I am the Wilson who posed this question one year ago in the How to Write Better course general forum. It was my very first post upon enrolling. Reviewing the blog post I was writing, which prompted the question, I not only agree with JFMs assessment of the one sentence, but the whole thing is just wordy. Hearing my question answered in this podcast was a nice surprise, and I'm looking forward to re-writing the post with this gift of a great first line (plus the vast improvement I've made as a writer since then). Thanks, Joshua! And yes, the course was worth every penny, and then some.
Interesting. Btw, my mother always said that the word, "got" was the laziest verb in the English language. I Never use that word in conversation and can be seen pausing to recreate my words while eliminating that word. Good advice, I think.
Awesome. So many books on writing advise this and that but what I want, what I like, what I need are specific examples. So, thank you. Liked and subbed.
Although the first example definitely needs work, its meaning is completely different to the 'improved' sentence. The first connotes that the character is glad for not having a midlife crisis, where as the second sentence almost implies that the character is annoyed about not having their lovely corvette. The latter sentence is great, but I feel it may have changed the meaning of the original.
I am so glad to find your videos. My story is about how my husband and I are related, and trying to put it on paper is one of the most challenging things I've ever done. Oh, we are related, but not by blood. Your videos are a great inspiration. Thank you
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" is the beautiful opening quote from Anna Karenina that comes to mind while watching this.
@@shawnmihalik It is a good choice as well as it did get a laugh out of me since I wasn't expected to hear that lol. Thank you I needed a good laugh. :)
Parenthood spared me from a midlife crisis. Instead of buying a red Corvette, I conceived a child at age 40. Both of those are the character telling the reader. Showing is: Happy fortieth, Hon. You got me a white balloon? Really? Oh. 'Pop me'. Blue confetti? How is that special? It's a boy, Silly. You're pregnant? How? I had my tubes tied. On top of that, not much discussion on how you reached your two sentences. In other words, you show off your writing skill, but without repeatable results for the viewer.
But did parenthood cause the delay or even cancellation of a midlife crises? The improved versions jump to conclusions. An outside observer might do that. The first person narrator is gingerly exploring a range of possibilities. With uncertainty.
Interesting perspective. As the writer of the sentence dissected here, I appreciate your ability to look past its flaws, and see the meaning. That's real reading.
Instead of buying a red corvette, I conceived a child at age 40, implies the child was 40 when it was conceived. Might it be better to say, Instead of buying a red corvette, at age 40 I conceived a child?
Everyone knows it is impossible to have a baby who would be middle-aged at birth. There is no such thing as an old baby; that oxymoron is self-contradictory. Babies by definition are young: newborn. So the implied meaning you describe does not exist. Not a problem.
lol this dude thinks buying a corvette is following the societal conditioning more than having a child. it's also so kitchy. as if you could twist every sentence into a fantasy just to make yourself sound more interesting instaed of telling the truth that he never thought of buying a red corvette. So cheesy. This fakeness for the sake of sounding good is what's ruining everything you read. it's such a cheap trick. imaging lying to make things punchier. such nonsense.
"Subtract, subtract, subtract." What a minimalist.
I am the Wilson who posed this question one year ago in the How to Write Better course general forum. It was my very first post upon enrolling. Reviewing the blog post I was writing, which prompted the question, I not only agree with JFMs assessment of the one sentence, but the whole thing is just wordy. Hearing my question answered in this podcast was a nice surprise, and I'm looking forward to re-writing the post with this gift of a great first line (plus the vast improvement I've made as a writer since then). Thanks, Joshua!
And yes, the course was worth every penny, and then some.
Instead of receiving the Nobel Prize in Literature,
I studied forty videos about elegant sentences.
What an amazing thing words are and how putting them in just the right way can make them into wisdom.
" its not by adding more, its by removing that with the subtractions."
is all about editing, less is more.
I’ve been out do school for almost a decade. I didn’t think I would have to freshen up on my writing skills. Yet here I am.
Interesting. Btw, my mother always said that the word, "got" was the laziest verb in the English language. I Never use that word in conversation and can be seen pausing to recreate my words while eliminating that word. Good advice, I think.
The red corvette as an example of midlife crisis. Just described my ex with his crisis at that age 😅. Can not be better example that this 👌💯
Thanks Joshua! This advice helps my songwriting.
I tend to be better at telling than showing; this is a great example of turning a tell into a show. Many thanks!
Solid advice. Thank you for sharing this.
Great reworked sentence! I love it.
Really good advice, thank you for sharing! I will be working through the videos.
Wow... This was actually helpful, I was subconsciously doing showing, and noticed how it sounds better a lot of the time.
Awesome. So many books on writing advise this and that but what I want, what I like, what I need are specific examples. So, thank you. Liked and subbed.
Thank you for sharing such videos, easy to undertsand
thank you for making youtube awesome
Although the first example definitely needs work, its meaning is completely different to the 'improved' sentence. The first connotes that the character is glad for not having a midlife crisis, where as the second sentence almost implies that the character is annoyed about not having their lovely corvette. The latter sentence is great, but I feel it may have changed the meaning of the original.
Thoughts of parenthood, a red convertible and travel were dumped as I faced a certain mid life crisis with weary eyes and weak knees.
great video! learned a lot
I learned something. Thanks
I am so glad to find your videos. My story is about how my husband and I are related, and trying to put it on paper is one of the most challenging things I've ever done. Oh, we are related, but not by blood. Your videos are a great inspiration. Thank you
Good advice - easy to understand!
Hats off dude.
Have a deeep menaing in just a couple of words
Thanks for sharing!
Where are you from ?
another thing i wanna add is to be strong and specific - like the red corvette
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" is the beautiful opening quote from Anna Karenina that comes to mind while watching this.
is a happy family a single job family?
Less is always better when writing in general.
i never saw that coming.
"Instead of buying a red corvette I conceived a child at age 40" is the first thing I hear when this video plays.
Correct. That's called a cold open. Most videos have one of some kind or another.
@@shawnmihalik It is a good choice as well as it did get a laugh out of me since I wasn't expected to hear that lol. Thank you I needed a good laugh. :)
Sir how to improve written style
This guy has used the word 'Pithy' more times than anyone who has ever walked the earth
Parenthood spared me from a midlife crisis.
Instead of buying a red Corvette, I conceived a child at age 40.
Both of those are the character telling the reader.
Showing is:
Happy fortieth, Hon.
You got me a white balloon? Really? Oh. 'Pop me'. Blue confetti? How is that special?
It's a boy, Silly.
You're pregnant? How? I had my tubes tied.
On top of that, not much discussion on how you reached your two sentences. In other words, you show off your writing skill, but without repeatable results for the viewer.
superfulous?
Sgoinneil!
How could that sentence NOT be improved?
But did parenthood cause the delay or even cancellation of a midlife crises?
The improved versions jump to conclusions.
An outside observer might do that.
The first person narrator is gingerly exploring a range of possibilities. With uncertainty.
Parenthood supercedes the red corvette (a stand-in symbol for a mid-life crisis). So parenthood displaces, replaces or supplants said crisis.
Interesting perspective. As the writer of the sentence dissected here, I appreciate your ability to look past its flaws, and see the meaning. That's real reading.
Promo-SM 😬
Instead of buying a red corvette, I conceived a child at age 40, implies the child was 40 when it was conceived. Might it be better to say, Instead of buying a red corvette, at age 40 I conceived a child?
Everyone knows it is impossible to have a baby who would be middle-aged at birth. There is no such thing as an old baby; that oxymoron is self-contradictory. Babies by definition are young: newborn. So the implied meaning you describe does not exist. Not a problem.
@@stephenwalker2924 It depends on what genre you're writing. :-)
@@BetterThanNada1 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?
@@stephenwalker2924 Precisely. :-)
lol this dude thinks buying a corvette is following the societal conditioning more than having a child. it's also so kitchy. as if you could twist every sentence into a fantasy just to make yourself sound more interesting instaed of telling the truth that he never thought of buying a red corvette. So cheesy. This fakeness for the sake of sounding good is what's ruining everything you read. it's such a cheap trick. imaging lying to make things punchier. such nonsense.