The Biggest Mistake People Make About Relationship Security
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- In this video Teal Swan reveals the biggest mistake that people make about relationship security. This mistake can lead directly to relationship hell. Keep watching if you want to know more.
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Beginning and Ending Song:
"Teal Swan Intro" by Christian De Raco
Teal Swan is a bestselling Author and Speaker. She was born with a range of extrasensory abilities and is a survivor of severe childhood abuse. Today she uses her gifts as well as her own harrowing life experience to inspire millions of people towards authenticity, freedom and joy and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.
The result when people are restored to wholeness is that the world will be restored to wholeness. Teal Swan's teachings invite people to step fully into their authenticity, knowing that this will bring about the positive change that we want to see in the world.
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”If you don’t want to put in the work of establishing security in your relationships consistently in each interaction with the other person, you are not actually committed to relationships. You are committed to using relationships for something else that you want”. Teal Swan. Thank you Teal 🌎
Thank you for helping me learn how to have healthier relationships, and release the need for the relationships that have not been healthy 💖
This was the gold nugget for me as well. Thank you yet again Teal 😊😊 PS love the Aztec top on you 😊😊
Right! People seem to not get that with relationships. They get it with work and making money sometimes being healthy. Relationships...nah
Thisncomment should be pinned. I rewinded thin part to hear it again because it was so good. I recently found myself in a relationship that was always about what eas best for the other pwrson and my needs were never considered. Theirbexcuse was that because their life is always falling apart with problems that this excuses them to take me for granted all the time. I finally started looking out for my best interest and now I am seen like the bad guy for, so now we are estranged.
@@II-eb6mw 😘
Wish I learned more about healthy relationships sooner
Incase You'd Rather Read About It Instead: tealswan.com/resources/articles/biggest-security-mistake/
Relationships are dynamic living entities
Teal gives fairy /goddess energy and I'm here for it 🥰
I agree that you have to constantly work on your relationship security everyday by showing that person how much you mean to them which involves knowing each other’s love languages. Growing up, my whole family was distant and I’ve learned over the last 15yrs of never being in a relationship, that, you need to take the time to truly know the other person in depth and do things every day to make them feel loved and appreciated. Now, as I’m the man I’m supposed to be and know my values, goals and interests, I yearn to put into action what I’ve learned as I’m searching for my future wife to build a family with.
What if they dont do the same? I would still do it if they didn't but talk to them about why they dont interact with me but its up to them because freedom is love. If they like being non social then so be it but if they dont care about me then I might leave cause I want relationship based on luv
I find myself relating to Adam in this example. I'm with someone who asks for my attention a lot. I'm a people pleaser & it hurts my heart to see my man feeling insecure so I'm always there for him & creating ripples of security. I make his needs a priority but I think one important point is there is a cost to putting so much effort into relationship security. Instead of following my joy & flowing with my soul I'm sucked down into dealing with his past trauma & the manifestations of his lower mind. I suppose it's up to us as individuals to find the line btwn relationship security & letting someone bulldoze over you. My spiritual guides nudged me to start asking for my individual time & space & not to be afraid to ask my partner for that time of self-love.
My GF broke it off several months ago and yer narrative reminded me of us/her. We were both overly codependent, and while the relationship was VERY loving and fulfilling, there were some gaps, and we both were far more focused on the others wants and needs vs. focusing on our own wants and needs. It was a pretty painful breakup for both of us, but I give her credit and respect for honoring herself and giving herself what she really wants. I urge you to do the same. I am far more comfortable putting other people’s needs ahead of my own, and that is learned behavior. IOW - why are other people’s feelings, wants and needs more important than my own? Or rather why do I choose that. In the end, it’s all about self love, and I am learning the hard way to love myself, and out myself first. Not an easy shift, but an important, dare I crucial tenet to true ‘fulfillment’.
Who would I be if money didn’t matter, I knew I wouldn’t fail, and I was able to thrive without validation/approval seeking behavior AND independent of the the good/bad opinions of others.
Regardless, I wish you nothing but success and happiness in all endeavors. Pretty sure that’s what your ‘true calling’ needs & wants.
This is exactly why my BF and I just broke up. Now I’m stumped with what he truly wanted to get from our relationship, because it wasn’t the relationship he truly wanted… he used it as a means toward a different want. So potent.
I hate relationships so much.... my source of suffering comes from other people. Physical injuries hurts way less than the pain I’ve felt as a result of trusting people to not hurt me.
You need to change your believe system and do some reframing, if you start to have less expectations from people around you and make an effort to see people for who they truly are ( most of us humans are shitty people) ... and try to accept them as they are and work with what you have .. then your suffering will reduce
Heal yourself first, suffering comes from inside you, other people are just triggers. Once you heal, you will not experience any pain from others. Namaste🙏
The content kept cheering me up the entire duration of this wonderful wonderful presentation . I have highlighted big time « A whole section of its own to develop « the more sections to elaborate the more ways to discover about to be in love with the partner , « taking her to the tournament « what a way to excel in her presence, show of for her, and dedicate the experience all to her name », « even when not around », she has a very significant role, presence in defining how to act, behave and present one’s self to others so that when they perceive it is clear to them she has the most important role in my life .
That exact example has been a thing we have been trying to figure out since we started dating. As my bf wants to go to his type of retreats all the time that aren't suitable for me atm. But we have found a solution that he initiated for it to be a winwin for me too. I'm happy about that!☀️ We listened to that part from the example and the rest of the video together now, and - now as I'm writing he had the inspiration to make the efforts to plan a holiday for the both of us for new years. ❤️ Thanks for enlightening the mutual and continuous effort and initiative to create relationship security! 👏🙌
I love your videos Teal, and it means a lot to me that you included some images of queer couples! 💝 Thanks for this one, I learned a lot.
I love the concrete examples!! hehehe
your thoughts so true.
People are too snotty to be nice to another who needs attention and empathy
Could you do a video next about when reactivity becomes abusive? It would be a great follow up to your recent videos💗
Sounds really good!! 🙂
"One and done" sounds legalistic, mechanistic and factory -model.
Wonderful topic. I believe delving in to relationship security a bit more is important. We have to individually understand what relationship security actually means for us at the unconscious feeling level. If we do not have any clarity of our own relationship security needs then we can't expect the other to magically know what we are needing and magically know how to respond to satisfy that need.
In that case it all becomes very ad hoc and hit and miss, generating anxieties instead of connection.
If I can become clear on what my relationship security needs are, then I can make a request of the other of what I specifically need, in terms of actions/strategies, and give them the choice if they want to contribute to my needs (and chances are they will be happy to). If I am not clear on my relationship security needs, then I can't expect the other person to know them and be able to meet them.
This of course works in both directions and hopefully both sides can find ways of meeting those needs, without putting unrealistic expectations on the other, i.e. caring for the others needs as well as your own.
I'm Tracy right now 😭. Sad part is. All Tracy needs is reassurance in small actions from Adam. Adam just fails, most of the time to make her feel wanted and needed. 🤷
Great video as always!
I do appreciate the explanation including a scenario of how it could go right. It’s insightful and really helps that ‘muscle’ to resolve what’s gone wrong.
Is there a time when someone should make you a priority while you're in a committed, romantic relationship? What if your partner seems to not put you first, and tells you he can't because he's lost himself in passed relationships before, and doesn't want that to happen again. Maybe I answered my own question here...
Imma need a lot more examples but thanks this is what’s going on in my relationship ❤ lob u teal 🙏🏼🙏🏼
so true those were all mistakes
Excelent reflection, thank you 🙏❤️😊
Great video, thank you Teal.
Like this!
Love this content 👏
You are wise 💯
Hvala za video.
What if your father lacked making you secure. How to deal with him when you are an adult and also still want a bond?
16:38 that slaps x)
The main problem of the video is her readiness to judge the desires of one side as trivial (hence the very telling example of playing a tennis match, a tad bit more disguised than “the man wants to watch football and drink beer with his buddies when his wife is going to the hospital”), while not questioning at all the level and health of need for relationship security. It almost feel likes if a person says “I want you to sit by my side 24/7 and not leave home ever for my relationship security,” the other one is bound to oblige because if he/she doesn’t, voila, you are not putting in the work. One’s need for security must be just as open to scrutiny as the quality of the response of the other side. If the need is unhealthy (and there are many ways for it to be so), the response is not changing the behavior of the partner to cater to that unhealthy need, but to deal with that unhealthy need in the first place. Come on Ms. Swan…
Hey Teal Swan, hope youre feminin origin Witc...craft will be strong enough, to guide People through the wiredness of crafted Chaos, for the length they need you. Stay strong, you know the strategie they use, be blessed
People think since their grandparents are/where together for so long means it was a success but if these people have both living grandparents if they spent enough time consistently weekly, monthly going to their house camping out for hours eventually they'll see it's not successful rather it's two people trapped together cuz some ye-old & once law & societal condition/enforcement that they can't divorce these now off the book expectations that these two grand parents are still acting in accordance with is not the same as a successful marriage its them simply upholding via imaginary threat that they must still be together till one of them dies its a contest to outlive the other.
Super love ❤️
People don't know how to be kind
●Are your needs being met in the relationship?
●Can you consistently rely on the person to be there for you?
●Do you have TRUST?
💙 THIS is reality of relationships. It's not a 1 time I DID - I'VE DONE - NO NEED TO KEEP IT ALIVE anymore simbiosis. As if it's a score you win forever and your garanteed security by not depositing love no more just chill game. This is false narrative of actually healthy relationship.
it seems Tael has on his shirt an ornament from Serbia.
The problem even with this that meny women ( and why not men too to some extend ) want to findt a pair that is relayably un-relatable or securely un-unsecury as they would other ways feel that they are in a relationship with their caretaker ( that insticts in the same time search in someway but are also biolocically repulsed because the possible mutations that would come with having intercource with them . )
Basically people dont´feel secure in secure relationships because socially it would seem boring with instamessages going around what new dangerous and awesome live the couple is living . or shoudl be living....
But in the same time they search for secure relationships to feel safety that they could have with their family if it had not been so f&cked up . basically .
This leads partly for the bad boy , good boy cycle that women are so notariously famous about .
Just pointing out that for meny when they mean "secure" they don´t actually mayby mean like secure secure --- but that the uncertainty or un security is somehow in their hands that they are in control of the otherś unsecure ways --- like for intance those who want to be in relation with alcoholics , adrenaline junkies , cheaters work holics etc---- they want that
they can relay to the "negative " aspects to be in their handling --- keep friends close , but the enemy even closer mayby or something in that direction ....
Most romantic stories in entertainment END when the couple finally gets together... how does anyone learn anything about relationships that way? They don't.
Isn't shame the a reason we want security? For me it is
💜♾🙏🏼🕉
My Vixen of sweet sorrows, send me some love... water sprites
#Bingo
Good luck getting me to do that if there a Soccer World Cup Final and Italy are playing for the Championship. If I can put it on the back burner for 90 minutes, 2 hours, then 🤷♂️. Oh well, Guess I will stay single then. Lol. 😀😀😀
Tracy got a divorce because Adam wanted to have his own time? Damn. Dude's gonna get screwed in court because he dated crazy. Poor guy.
I'm tracey lolz xD HAHAHAH
It's much too common for someone to use their insecurity to permanently drain their well meaning cooperative partner into a dissociated zombie mode - where their emotional resilience is so drained - that they don't exist anymore except as the needy partner's braindead pet. So much of this is "I deserve you to give up your life for my insecurities" that it's sickening. The BS about "he'd be doing it because it's his top priority and there wouldn't be a conflict" only works when the withdrawals and demands she's making aren't constant and excessive.
It's funny, it almost sounds like, at least in this example, that women don't have any responsibility to put into the security bank account. Or that someone living their life without allowing themselves to be manipulated and controlled is somehow withdrawing from the account - if you don't let me force you to prioritize my "needs" over yours, and don't allow me to completely bulldoze and erase your individuality, joy and aspirations - you know, those pesky things keeping you from giving me the princess treatment I deserve? Especially because you've been such a bad boy for trying to have a life outside of my perpetual insecurities - then you're "withdrawing from the security bank account".
Your negative emotions and neurotic insecurities bubbling up imaginary threats and fears don't entitle you to another person prioritizing you or filling your emotional holes. Over and over and over and over again. Especially not if you're going to hold the relationship hostage to do so.
Again, this isn't an issue when it's reasonable. Not getting your needs met? Communicate. Still no response? Walk away. No drama. No soul sucking. No emotional hostage taking. No hostage taking your partner by getting into self harm from the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and a need to demonstrate it and express your emotions because you feel so unheard. None of it.
No, your malaise doesn't entitle you to caretaking by the people who's needs you could care less about and don't even see because you're "so hurt". At that point, you don't deserve repair. You deserve the abandonment you so desperately try to avoid but so persistently try to induce.
Trust me I'm not getting into anything ever again because of my disfuncyional life and you have a terrible outlook I think you've had a bad experience, trust? Hell no.
But western women are too much work, they always want or need something. My last marriage my ex was only happy if we were doing something but this was a distraction because she was a sad person, the worse thing for her was too be alone with her thoughts. I think I will remain single, the sex is not worth the emotional abuse 😂😂
The timing, and themes within this video are pretty crazy for me. I know I've spent so many lives dealing with the repercussions of having assumed relationship security, abusing trust, and not treating love as something that always needs (mutual) care and consideration. I'll take this video as a sign that finally the penny has dropped for me, a costly lesson lol. Thank you 💜
The biggest issue I see in any form of relationship is that most people still don't understand that if you want to impress someone you need to impress *_yourself._* That is what will give you something to share of yourself to whoever you are in relation to. In other words, stop trying to impress other people because that will push them away.
If I want to be liked, I need to like myself first, and that is what others will see and is what will give them a reason to like me for(there's no guarantees in life so all one can do is hope). There's a big difference between trying to be liked by someone, than to focus on oneself and just simply building confidence(something to like oneself for). If we don't know who we are, trying to push ourself onto someone and indirectly forcing them to like us will always end bad. Lots of people will pretend though(which is really tragic) and others will just leave.
It all boils down to that most people have too little knowledge of who they really are, and how can anyone share of him/herself without knowing his/her own true needs.
Relationship security is just like any other security. You have to do primary work to set up the infrastructure, but just having a lock, alarm, and cameras doesn't protect your house. If you don't activate the alarm, lock the door, monitor the cameras, and call the police if necessary when you leave the house, you are not securing your house.
Likewise if you don't build trust, make it a point to never betray that trust, be available emotionally, and make the other person feel loved, you are not securing that relationship.
The best way to protect your house is to live in it, same for a relationship. And real threat always come from the inside. …
@@henrimilo1 pretty much.
Is this Mother Mary Eddie Murphy?
LMAO (wolf-wolf!)
@@lisakaufmann498 I have no idea who you are talking about. 🤷♂️
Everything is relationships , our entire reality consists of relationships . The relationship of course begins our self , but WHO WE ARE is also defined by who we CONNECT with , and the qualify of our life AND the quality of the lives of the people around us definitely DEPEND on relationships . This doesn't mean co dependant and toxic relationships , but it does mean that we are a relational species , and that to be a successful human , and by successful I mean healthy in all areas of our life , where we feel Peaceful , have our needs met , honour ourselves , and others .. In order to achieve this , it requires that we master the RELATIONSHIPS in our life . This is the only way to truly master your life in all areas , is to master your RELATIONSHIPS . Great video Teal ! Thanks for being one of the people that inspires me to also help others on their path as well . Much Love 🙏
- Francis
I know a Judas who would like to hand you a rope.
That makes sense, my family is always confused why i dont socialize with them more, and the reason is that i perceive that they might not be supportive when i come out of the closet.
I think the key point here is "Adam" is using relationships to achieve something else. It's not the relationship he actually wants. Narcissism at its finest. Glad I watched this through, Teal.
This needs to be shown to all the 15 year old boys who are becoming more and more obsessed w/ ppl like Andrew Tate
Different people provide different solutions. Tate is the best example of tenacity and mental strength aspect of the masculine self. Getting obsessed over anyone isn’t good I completely agree with you on that. But the effect Tate has on men positively is really big. But again no one should take everything as fact even from Tate or anyone else
I truly believe that people need to be honest with themselves first and foremost prior to engaging in a relationship!
Esther Perel is another amazing resource on this topic if anyone wants more info
I'm 43 and surprisingly naive. I recently was married, for the first time. I made a wrong choice. What you mentioned about people being together for a long time, false sense of security, and coping mechanisms - I suppose that may describe the relationship that my husband's parents have. I mistakenly took their long relationship as a token and proof of love, but it looks to have been codependency and manipulation, which seems what my husband understands as healthy, or normal, or what he now follows to be.
I think that if I would have listened to your video before getting married, I would not have understood, would have gone over my head.
But honestly, I wonder who really, honestly is happy in their relationship.
Half of marriages end in divorce, and of the couples remaining married, how many are truly happy and in sync? Honestly?
Well now I'm needing to figure out how to divorce and move on.
O, that is what regaining your power back is all about. What did we all learn from this? (answer: how not to give it space to begin with). Now, let's move on ....
The idea that you can even have security at all in life is delusional. Anything can happen at any moment in life.
Damn this was divine timing
I have been in Adam's shoes and now I see better how I played a part in diminishing relationship security.
We truly are in the emotional dark ages. This is the kind of stuff EVERYONE needs to learn. If all of learned HOW to have good relationships, there would be peace on earth.
There would still be violence and war. Just less of it
The issue is that the system is working against generating trust and security. One of the reasons we do not put as much time/energy is because many are: Burnout. So I do not blame people for not putting all that energy. After work you are so exhausted and not your best self. To then create mutual relationship and work on it is truly hard. We never spent less time with our family and partners than today
Thanks Teal! I recently was forced into leaving a relationship that I wanted to stay in… I was willing to do what it takes to build that security but instead I just got totally rejected. Sadly I think I must have been in denial about some incompatibility, like you say trying to build a sandcastle in the water.
The video I needed to see...thank you Teal💕
Deeply useful Thankyou x
Yes, it takes two people making efforts to accomplish that security. If a personal goal becomes an opportunity for growth for one individual and not another it compromises the relationship in general...even if it's being supported. It's interesting to me when people choose relationship growth over personal growth. That can move mountains too.
Yup on personal growth. I never thought I'd be able to drive alone in traffic n sure I struggle but it I's growth for me...
I would love to see your representations of “couples” be more inclusive. Really enjoy what you present and how it’s presented, but the romantic relationships are sooo heteronormative/white. Not very inclusive. Food for thought.
I just listened to 20minutes and I already want to say that I always thought about you making short films of your real life or just examples on how to apply your teachings.
She used to do things like that. Might become a thing again in the future.
I love her pullover
Thanks Teal 🙏✨
First dates are important, but the subject matter is important. You stay with a girl because she looks good and you had fun, then you find out you not only had different goals, but you had different ideas about raising kids.
Mutual coexistence and not toxic codependency?????
I will say this, the one thing I've learned watching other people is "don't force it". A true relationship is as effortless as fish swimming through water; some friction yes, but both are practical built for each other
Thank you teal. As always my favourite spiritual teacher.
These days and now after so many year I suddenly find myself laughing at your cute honesty, in maybe a more open heart way,
I have deeper into a possibility management to mix and bring a new way of inner child work and I still love you, so beautiful to have your truth!
10:45 I wouldn't consider acting upon childhood trauma to be someone's "nature".
We should be self-reflected enough to notice external triggers as such and act appropriately, by examining the root cause instead of avoiding the trigger.
Just starting to watch this video. But wanted to say, I found you several years ago, enjoyed you, and then life took me elsewhere. Now I have found you again, and I'm so happy to see you.
Much love.
Same
I was praying all night for some clarity and you come out with this. Thank you Teal. Your work is so important and relevant; please never stop.
I’ve noticed so many men and women start creating subconscious patterns that seem to reflect there parents relationship
Thank you
First
This was a great and emotionally triggering video. I've been so committed to my path of meditation/personal development/enlightenment the past 4 years that I've basically put my relationships largely aside to work on myself. I found someone who I really love romantically and we have been together for a year now and I've come to the realization that my focus is too much on myself. I had to find a compromise within myself. My path is my first priority, so I had to really contemplate how I can make my relationships one with my path so that I'm not sacrificing my needs for others. It happens that I am naturally a very sensitive person and I have A LOT of emotional work to do on myself as I'm largely shut off and afraid to feel emotions and connection. So I think it's all perfect and I'm undergoing a shift from being so self-centred in my practice into finding a balance. My fear right now though is that as I do this emotional and relationship work, I might discover my boyfriend is the type to do the "one and done" approach where he provides that initial security and doesn't put in the effort. I am becoming more and more aware of how I justify others' actions for fear of being alone so I avoid truths that may or may not be there. I also really pray that if the worst case scenario IS the case, that I can somehow change or heal him into seeing the power and magic of where putting in honest and genuine effort every moment is absolutely awesome (considering I'm making the transition from one to the other myself). Thanks! 🧘❤️🔥
Yay so excited for this :) Thanks Teal
Thank you so much Teal and everyone ..
Two of the reasons I've always resisted marriage are my birth parents who have both diswoned me. I knew I wanted a relationship nothing like theirs and I had no idea how to create such a relationship, never having had one. I am now, at 50 + having my own thoughts, feelings, ideas and experiences without their influence. Doing this has also cost me all other relationships, save one. I'm hopeful of the possibilities. .ALL BEGINS WITHIN. .N.O.I.S.O.K. Thank you, Teal
Where the hell have you been for the past 49 years?
Beware of Jewlz. He may be here to pick up where Daddy left off, which leaves us under the squish of our mother's Diaper Pail. He will CONDEMN you back to square one and still call that luv. You'll rot
Ouch. Awesome information. Thank you bunches!!
Why always I hear these words years after I have started a relationship_ LOL
I hope they teach your curriculum in school some day
Ooooo!
Stunning coat been watching you transform for years congrats
Nothing and I mean...Nothing is secure and permanent. Buddha discovered this, or should I say taught this, thousands of years ago. There's no solid ground.
Hey, both sides of the equation are gonna be stalked by the wounds left behind from love's defeat despite their best efforts. This is why we have: MOODS, CARS CAUSE ACCIDENTS, MUDSLIDES, EARTHQUAKES, PANDEMICS, and my all-time favorite: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. Unless and until people learn to remain SINGLE, they will never attain the levels of perception to perceive the shadows of a hidden stalker where a male advocate seeks to hide for Lilith's intent where it needs captured. Girls tend to get The Call of Pete's Vampires where everyman must face his own internal Nellie in a dress.
This content is an anchor of truth and deep insight. A book with related material was pivotal in my journey. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Hi , solve that problem dont get married..lol..In all realness tho I agree it's how you both keep filling up the relationship bank balance..It's like 3 dimensions, two individual ones and a relationship one..If two want it too work they'll learn how too...I believe don't compare relationships..Each with have its own individual way..Live and let live.. Interesting listening..Thank you..
Incredibly wise…
Some stories may be truthfully stranger than fiction. Hollywood fiction may be somewhat a tragic reality in someone else's life.
My only thought is... there are many people (usually women), who are incredibly insecure and it would take the other to erase all autonomy for the sake of their partner.
This is where in that scenario, I think Adam would have to realize there's an INCOMPATIBILITY or have a conversation about getting couple's counseling and separate counseling for her to work through her issues.
Unfortunately I think most will be too tired from bending over backwards to make their partner feel secure and just end it.
Relationship security needs to be a more redirected concept. Any idea of security that looks to any other human to fulfill our security need is likely just more coping.
I learned how not to have relationships from my nuclear family lol, does that count ? ;-)