Yes! Unfortunately, I think sexual trauma is a big part of this convo too. Especially when autistic people can have a hard time reading the social cues of potentially dangerous situations.
@chloebunde4455 I was trafficked for 2 decades because I was socially in ept to see the signs. Essentially, I thought I was going on blind dates to potential suitors, because i always wanted a hunsband and nuclear family growing up. However, my "friend" was taking money from others promising them the "girlfriend experience ". I lost 20 years because of a misogynistic female who exploited my need to stem ("dance" being my suitable go to accepted stemming to move energy out of my body). The healing journey here will likely take up the entirety of the remainder of my life. 😔
I'm in a support group for late diagnosed autistic women that meets weekly(ish). We've all been victims of SA, often at a young age and often at more than one point in our lives. While my sample size is small, it's not an insignificant finding. SA is traumatic, and if autistic individuals are at an increased risk of being victimized, this needs to be included in the discussion on autism and sexuality. Think of the influence this specific type of trauma has on a person's sexuality and how they go about navigating that aspect of life.
In my relationships, I have had a lot of women who become upset or even angry that I have phases when I do not want to be intimate. They always take it personally even though I explain that I have disorders and traumas.
Thank you for sharing this. While the genders are opposite in my story, I do understand this. You're not alone. It is so disheartening to be misunderstood especially in intimate relationships.
Light touch is HORRIBLE. I have told my massage therapist "you can't use too much pressure". She took it as a challenge, and now I get the best deep tissue massage that I have ever had.
@@MomontheSpectrum Part of it for me is taking it as a challenge to relax into the pain and let my muscles move with the therapist instead of tensing up. I just recently hear another neurospicey person mention this. Until then I had no idea that being icked by light feathery touch was a commonality for us.
@@MomontheSpectrumI spoke with my massage therapist and called her ‘Karate fingers’, after she worked deep tissue massage into my treatment, for the first time. 😊
Thank you so much for having this conversation. It seems nobody wants to touch this important topic. I came out as a gay man 30 years ago. Now, I have to come out again as Autistic since my diagnosis five months ago. I’ve felt very much excluded so far. Sexuality is part of our identity and should not be hidden but spoken about openly. Thank you again.
I've said I've been doing double masking, my sexuality and my neurotype. One has been conscious, the other has mostly been subconscious. I've been sort of out of the gay closet for over 20 years now, but not really openly - family, closest friends, some colleagues. I've not been keeping it a secret, but also haven't e.g. posted about my relationship on facebook. I've really started discovery into my autism very recently. I don't have an official diagnosis (my suspicion was pretty much confirmed as a psychologist/therapist brought the topic up), and will probably not be getting one in the near future, as where I live, I don't think it will actually grant any support for me, and there can be some downsides. It feels quite exhausting to think again who do I tell to, what do I say, what will they say (I guess here an official diagnosis would help, but feels stupid to get it just for that)... On one hand, I don't want to be again in a closet, on the other hand, I don't know what telling would really change.
hi fintux. double masker here too. a video that helped me decide to self identify instead of going formal is called "rethinking my dx by youtuber Sydney zarlengo". hope this helps.
@@fintuxI thought coming out as gay would free me in a way. That wasn’t true because something was still off. I realize it was because of autism. I’m finding it really difficult to unmask now. I’ve tried, but reactions of people have not been very positive. I didn’t receive abuse, but I could see people distancing themselves from me. I deleted facebook and X because of that. I don’t think I will attempt coming out as autistic soon. We should give ourselves time and see who our safe people are. Thank you for sharing your story.
@@tracirex okay, thanks for the tip, I'll watch that one. I think many people et the diagnosis to get some accommodations (this is especially true for children). I think, however, that instead of everyone having access to diagnosis, we should instead have the possibility for accommodations for everyone who needs them. Doesn't matter if it's autism, ADHD, PTSD or what.
This has been a huge point of confusion for me. I was SA by my uncle in my early teens, but I also never experienced any sort of sexual feelings prior to that. The wonder for me has always been, does sex freak me out/am I completely disinterested because of trauma or am I just asexual. Digging deeper into autism (I’m in what I’m referring to as my Enlightenment period, where it feels like every day I realize something else about myself that is perfectly explained by neurodivergence and I finally have the words to articulate) I have realized it’s probably a combination of both. AND in some ways, I think my naïveté regarding sex and my having no sexual feelings led me to be more vulnerable to being groomed by my uncle because I couldn’t conceptualize that he or other people might be having feelings of wanting sex/sex-related acts, my brain is literally just thinking he must really love listening to me talk about film. I’ve found myself, a number of times, realizing too late that someone has been making comments or insinuating things they want (related to me) that are sexual and I will have had absolutely no clue they wanted to be anything other than friends discussing school or one of my special interests. These situations always terrify me and make me so ashamed that I couldn’t understand their intentions which spirals into total isolation and being much more distant with other humans than I’d like to be. All that to say, this is SUCH an important topic to be discussing because education and enlightenment can help us (a vulnerable population) navigate this area of life in a much safer way. Thank you for talking about this despite the taboo nature. I’m excited to be joining this community! ❤
It is sadly super common for autistic women and girls to be vulnerable to sexual predation. Very often we don't even realize a sexual subtext is even part of the conversation, much less realize that we're participating in it. Being undiagnosed increases this vulnerability. I am so sorry you had these horrible experiences, and I hope you dedicate at least a little time each day to loving and valuing yourself and healing a bit more.
I feel the same in regards to the fear and strangeness I feel when other people ask me out or see me as someone to be sexual with- it's always made me deeply uncomfortable. It's like so many people, men especially, constantly have this ulterior motive in talking with me (I get into it a lot with people at the gym about special interests or talking about their interests) and I'm always left feeling icky and stupid for not realizing I've "led them on", even though I understand that I'm in the minority for feeling this way and that I was just being my friendly self. I like connecting with people, seeing them as a being, hoping they see me as a being.
@@TriforceLiz If a neurotypical would have picked up on it, then I'm not sure it counts as an 'ulterior motive'. I think people, in general, tend to assume that others are "on the same page" unless they obviously aren't. Miscommunication is a thing that does happen and it can be particulary bad across the neurotypical/neurodivergent divide. It's probably fair to assume that men may be assessing the potential of you (a woman) as a sexual partner, especially if they are single and you might be. That doesn't mean it's a "will this work? great, sexy time!" kind of thing. But it does mean that it might come up at some point in the future if you're attractive and they like you.
@@jnharton I don't want to be assessed by someone as a potential sexual partner, though. I'm sick of it, and I do personally feel it is a gendered and cultural issue as much as it is an allistic/autistic thing. I've also had to start saying "I'm seeing someone" because not a single man has taken, "I'm not interested" as a valid reason to stop pursuing me. In two instances, I was abundantly clear that I was only interested in friendship, and they agreed, only for me to later realize they were lying and were trying to convince me otherwise. I enjoy connection and I'm friendly, and I feel, as a culture, it would be great if we could humanize people first before assessing them as potential sexual partners, and then a lot of us would be on the same page, because I know plenty of people feel similarly to me.
I just stumbled on this page. I’m a mid-30s male. While I don’t have autism, I do have cerebral palsy, and the topic of sexuality isn’t discussed around the disabled community. In fact, we’re left out of this conversation entirely, which bothers me a ton!! I’m a virgin who’s never been kissed or been on an official date do to confidence and self-esteem related to my disability. Channels / conversations like these need to be happening more frequently. I absolutely love and agree with what you said!
Depends, if ur a 18+ male and never had sex/dated, then there is something wrong with you. If ur a 18+ girl and never had sex or dated, then u are a unicorn, a endangered species that most be protected at all cost.
I have one eight-month relationship in my entire 45 years on this planet, which was one too many. I made a complete fool of myself during my teens and twenties because I thought being in a relationship was "the done thing" and felt much better when I realised that no, I much prefer my solitude, so that's how I'm going to stay from now on. If I want companionship I have a dog 🐶
Thank you for this. This is starting to be something I’m talking to my husband about. As a former people-pleaser, I learned that I was saying yes to things that I didn’t necessarily want to do because I was afraid of what would happen with whatever relationship it was. This is relevant as we had broken up for a few years (we both needed personal growth, and I value that separation now), however, it led to some not so… pleasant interactions when seeing other people. When we got back together, I had learned to say NO, and felt relatively comfortable saying no, especially because he always felt like a particularly safe person (he brought up autism to me separately from my own personal in-depth investigation, so I unmask around d him to an extent.” He took it personally for a couple of years and I know it was hard for him, but he respected my limits even though he felt like my feelings for him changed-no, I just don’t like being hugged or kissed unless I’m asked and only when I’m in the right mental space for it ie regulated. I didn’t have words for it at the time because I wasn’t considering autism at that point.. that came a few years later (we’ve been back together for 10 years.) after explaining some of these experiences with the knowledge of autism post my diagnosis, My husband asked “were you R’d?” I don’t really see it that way, but I suppose it was in a way as there was coercion and badgering involved, but personally I categorize it under S assault, and I don’t associate strong trauma with it, more discomfort and disinterest. Anyway, I look forward to a series on this.
😁😁😁😁 I'm glad that you & your husband are doing better & are able to work on issues!! I understand a lot of this more than I'd normally say. You put into words, part of what I'd normally, mentally skip over. I really also got tired of people being pushy when I didn't feel well & couldn't get ebough of a rest from things & heal more, etc. I actually need time to process stuff better, rather than feel like I'm at a job & not allowed to work on things when I can focus better at my own pace, etc. I can generally do that now, off & on. I hope things continue to go well for you & your husband & everyone else!! Stay safe!! Blessings, always!! 😁
This was really enlightening, thank you for sharing. I was wondering also, in addition to you learning about yourself, if it let you see your husband differently as well? I am assuming he is "neurotypical" and that he probably feels differently than you when it comes to physical touch and such. How do you, as a couple, balance his need to be hugged or kissed / his need to hug and kiss vs your need to not be hugged and kissed as often? Have you made any strategies together to let him fill his needs for "neurotypical" needs for physical contact? Do you for instance choose some evenings where you would actively go out of character and provide him with "steamy" physical contact with the sole purpose of giving that to him, or has he put those needs and sides of himself away for you? I am sorry for the maybe awkward questions - hopefully they are not too intrusive, and you feel that it is ok to reply to them :)
@@keny7269 More neurotypical than me, that’s for sure! He’s a very blunt, logical person that had a hard time understanding rules from authority without a valid explanation, introverted, but he can ‘play’ extroverted when needed and it doesn’t exhaust him for days afterwards. He lacks a lot of the repetitive/restrictive behaviors/thought patterns that tends to come along with autism but can relate to them. We’ve done a bunch of embrace(autism)’s tests and he usually scores right under or just barely over the threshold for ASD males, but low on things like masking traits. That being said, he balances out a lot of the things that i have difficulty with. He’s assertive, so he’ll take lead I need it. He can actually decide on a choice between a thru z without getting hung up on trying to figure out what pros outweigh what cons (like buying a protective case for my iPad… i was a week into it and i still couldn’t decide, and he just looked at a few i brought up, picked one, and its been fine.) He’s timely, (I’m timeblind, it’s like a family trait between all my sisters and I.) Knowing what i know now, I GET why i was attracted to him-he balances out all those things that I seemed to struggle with all my life and did it with much more ease. That’s not to say he doesn’t get depressed, and doesn’t have anxiety or insomnia, cuz he does, but he does balance a lot of things. Funny thing is.. when i first met him, i knew him through an ex’s guild on World of Warcraft. Man I thought he was ASS. But honestly, it was because i wasn’t used to people being so straightfoward, not sugarcoating things, and just.. blunt. It sounded harsh to me at the time because I used to manipulative behaviors and i was stuck thinking about what the undertones would be, i couldn’t fathom what his ulterior motives were. Once it clicked that there wasn’t really anything behind it, and he acted like that around his guy friends and family, I kinda just stuck like glue. I dunno, maybe it was skewed expectations based on past experiences, but i appreciate being told things VERY bluntly, and i have always been able to trust him to tell me the truth. That being said, don’t get me wrong here, we haven’t quite gotten all things figured out. We have an understanding of what to expect out of me, what makes things work a bit better for me-like don’t come after me after a long day of errands or a troubling drs appointment, or bad weather day. There’s a lot “bad” things for put me off, and it does mean I do sometimes have to be willing to compromise to help meet his needs. In fact, we actually had a bit of argument about it today (while i was waiting for my adhd meds to kick in after eating breakfast, he went to give me a tight hug from behind and my body automatically jumped and recoiled and I said “You didn’t ask first” and it let to a bit from him.) I admit that I have perhaps been a bit too selfish, but this is kind of a new revelation for me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it (I only just got my diagnoses of ADHD & autism in February) and what it means, and I’ve been seriously struggling since a new psychiatrist took over my case and fked with my meds.) I know more about WHY things don’t work, or why it’s not going to work in that way this night or whatever. It’s still honestly rather confusing and I don’t always know what to do in a way that helps BOTH of us. I don’t know how many times I can say “I don’t mean to react like this, but when it’s unexpected I can’t override my instinctual reaction.” I even pointed out that I’m even jumpy and/or push my pets away when they get demand/affectionate/pushy/jump on me unexpectedly especially since I’ve been out of my stimulant this last past week (which also makes me sleep POORLY which lowers my threshold for all kinds of touch, even my close.) I don’t think it’s THAT hard to ask for consent for touch, but I understand his hurt feelings over being rejected. But like, I already feel like a terrible wife and guilty/shameful as it is without it being pointed out to me, and we had JUST talked about that a week before so I’m feeling both unsupported, unsupportive, guilty, and like a failure all at once. It’s strange, because i used to be VERY touch-seeking, and now I’m horribly avoidant unless it’s under just the right circumstances. I do think that’s where a lot of his confusion and hurt comes from, but I also know that’s a need of his too. I try when i can, but it doesn’t always feel like it’s enough or noticed. My love language is more… doing things, service things.. like “Hey you want eggs for breakfast?”, “can i get you a refill?”, grabbing him a treat, when i drop in a store for household things, popping by his work to drop off some food or a drink, stuff like that.. but adhd issues are getting in a way of a lot of that. We’re still trying to figure it out. These conversations from the perspective of what HE needs tends to come up after a couple of days of rejection from me (in this case because i was overwhelmed after discussing potentially firing my psychiatrist which also involved us discussing some of my trauma-past, week long lapse in meds (out of my control), 4 rounds of vet visits & 4x a day medicating his cranky ole man cat all in less than 2 weeks when i can barely manage 3 short errands a week on a good week.) So it’s hard for me to not feel defensive in the moment, and ultimately we haven’t completely resolved things, and I know he’s feeling underloved atm. It’s just been such a hard time for me over the last 6 months with this new psychiatrist, and I feel like I took 12 steps back, but with a bonus diagnosis at the end. Long story short, I don’t really have an answer for you. We’ve intellectualized it a lot and have talked about what works for me, why things don’t work work, etc, but we haven’t quite figured out what works BEST, especially to meet both of needs. Honestly my needs are rock bottom atm, i dont even think about it weeks or months unless I’m prompted to. Role playing wouldn’t work, I just can’t do stuff like that. That’s not to say I’m not open and willing to try to new things, I just kinda need.. to get into a more touch-friendly mood first, you know? Hard to get there sometimes when the best way to get there is to accept tough, but sometimes it just makes me squirm in my skin even more. I have been making a lot of effort in being amendable to requests by him, like taking him up when he asks if we can watch a movie in bed for the afternoon, or use a massage gun on my upper/lower back when I’ve had a bad day.. once i get relaxed, I’m pretty open to things, but it takes a lot for me to relax and not feel like I’m crawling in my own skin (I also have RLS and body dysmorphia, so woo multiple layers of discomfort with my own body.) Scheduling times feels very weird to me, and it flairs my PDA up like nothing else. Anyway, next step is to sit down and talk about this again when he NOT looking for intimate time to see where we can potentially build up more of a compromise or understanding of each other and our varying love languages. My hope is to find some resources to share with him that can help us explore this together because I think we both need help seeing the other persons side, and find more ideas for mutually beneficial actions. I do think the official diagnosis helps him understand the WHY, but I don’t think he really gets it fully. He tries. Unfortunately, this is where his problem-solving personality clashes quite a bit with my mental health struggles, and honestly i don’t want HIM fixing anything expect how we relate and understand eachother.
Thank you for this information. I have decided to see someone about my ADHD and possibly have an ADD. I guess I didn’t understand why autism would have anything to do with sexuality until I watched your video I’m glad I watched right up to the end because I’ve been having quite a problem with self pleasuring myself. Now I know the term of what it’s called stemming and you are totally spot on of probably why I’m doing it too much. Thanks again for your information. Looking forward to keeping up with you.
Growing up in a super-strict, super religious household where any divergence, including neurodivergence, was sinful, these concepts would never be considered when I was a kid. Hence why my first partner was disappointed when I didn't make "pleasure noises" when we were together. I had to explain that those had never been an option before. I was used to having to practice stealth when I had alone time, because God forbid I got caught. I was threatened with having my bedroom door removed from its hinges so I wouldn't have the privacy required for such activities.
Many things started making sense after I found out that I’m an Autistic with ADHD including the things you mentioned on this video. Thank you for this it’s really helpful.
I'm still a virgin at 36 but I do a lot of "self-pleasure" to alleviate tons of stress. I won't delve into why I've been single (over 15 years now) & sex-less for so long, i will say, i want to be in a relationship that's comfortable & genuine & less of a "put-on". Dealt with a lot of BS as a kid, even adults years that messed my headspace up. It's difficult, sometimes.
@stephonh.5207 Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Virginity is a social construct that has been used to shame and control people in one way or another for millennia. Even if you’ve never explored your sexuality with a partner (which can be more difficult for a lot of we Autistics for a variety of reasons), your thoughts and experiences on the topic are just as valid as the next person’s.
Try being a virgin at 62…man with BPD and Ocd….a lot of guys just turn to prossies, who can be quite simpathetic and nice…but you are viable to manipulation and ridicule
Thank you. I'm 68, was only diagnosed about 5 years ago, but found that it explained so much about who I am and why I do what I do, etc. This video has just given me another huge chunk of the picture, and much more understanding.
Thank you for this video. Autistic woman here. I have been hyper sexual my whole life however I’ve only had five partners. I’m 41 now I can relate to a lot of the things that you’re saying as far as the harder pressure and using masturbation as a stem. I sought out many answers to why I am so sexually gratified. The more I learn the more I make sense to myself and the more kind I can be to myself.
@@dreamthedream8929 5 partners is very little compared to some sufferers from hypersexuality, though confusingly a virgin can suffer from that especially if they're neurodivergeant and can develop trauma responses from events that wouldn't cause the same in an average person. There's no 'normal' or 'required' number of partners its just required added detail since hypersexuality has implications so has to be talked about precisely. Hypersexuality is not the same thing as just having a healthy but above average sex drive but you just have to trust the opinion of the person making the claim to as to which is which.
@@dreamthedream8929 Just giving a reply out of courtesy not assuming i'm saying anything you don't know. The important thing isn't to stereotype personality and other issues to behaviours. Though being non-judgemental and not sorting people into 'sympathetic' and 'unsympathetic' based on their behavior does also matter a lot.
Autism is a lot about hyper and hypo sensitives, avoiding and seeking stimulation, makes sense that both aceness and hypersexuality are disproportionally common amoungst us. As an ace myself I still kinda get it giben how strong I seek the sensations and experiences that make me feel good. Its just different things for us, but the principle stays the same
After a few relationships figuring out you desired to be 'really seen' and misunderstood the attention for love and thus did anything that was asked without longing for it yourself. Makes finding a new relationship covered in hurdles.
I wanted to respond because this is such an unpopular view and needs more support. You are not alone. I can certainly relate to feeling like everybody just takes for granted that everybody else really wants sex, not just could take it or leave it, but like they always really want it, and that is something that has always been confusing to me because it seems like there are so many other priorities in a relationship. For me personally I can do sex because my husband enjoys it but there's never a moment where it feels like /I/ need this or want this, it isn't fulfilling to me. If given the choice I will always choose something else over sex, even though my husband is great at doing his best to make it good - for me it's just not that interesting or important, arousal can feel kind of annoying and easily becomes too much sensation, and doesn't really make me feel closer to someone or more euphoric or whatever else it seems to do for others. Also the common idea of it being so expected by culture that you /have/ to do this for your partner or you're not lovable or your not loving them can add to the sense that it's a chore to be done, something to be ticked off the to do list. For me, I desire deep connection, but that doesn't happen via sexual acts.
No, I actually do want to. But I think this is a different perspective that makes sense bc amabs are "supposed" to be very sexual and sexually driven. While I feel like I'm the opposite of what is expected from afabs, not enjoying it, or what I am expected to enjoy from it.
Thanks for covering this Taylor! This is so helpful! I’ve had a hard time finding resources on autistic people and sex. I’m specifically interested in learning how to navigate/create sensory accommodations during sex. But also PSA for neurodivergent couples stimming with your partner during sex is very fun!
The quick expression while reading, "Half of 247 autistic women..." Made me laugh and summed up pretty much every autistic person's thoughts while hearing it. 🤣 It's so nice finding like-minded people that see and experience things the same as yourself. 💜
It's because 247 is an odd number. If you take the word "half" as literally as possible, that would be 123.5 people. Obviously the study is not implying that half a person participated, but that's where a lot of autistic minds are going to go first. @argh1989
@@MisterFeline It's like averages that end with .something of a person/animal/etc. is impossible. Immediate error bells in my head. Obviously no one is literally using .something, is just how the math works out, but it is basically impossible unless you're a monster.
I stopped having intimate relationships. It's like ruining conversations but with bodies. It was too confusing and painful that I just quit. I experienced long term physical and sexual violence for years growing up, the manipulations of unhealthy people damages that ability to have sexual connections. I just cannot cope with getting things wrong. I also have no ability to visualise what I would even want. Thank you so much for this. I really, really need help with this intellectually ❤
I'm sorry you endured all that pain!! I think a beautiful thing such as masturbation and exploring yourself and really discovering who you are and let your thoughts run free until you find things you enjoy while exploring. Once we find comfort in ourselves we become more comfortable around other people. Never give up and keep healing!!💯👍😎👻🌶
Unrelated to sex specifically, thank you for the phrase "I just cannot cope with getting anything wrong." This is the very heart and soul of the majority of my problems, and this just summarizes it PERFECTLY. Thank You!
@@kateshiningdeer3334 I'm so glad I could help. It's one of my most favorite feelings! Getting something right 😂 although I never thought about the opposite of the feeling until just then, how it feels to get things right. Hmm. Thank you too? 🌟🙏
So many people have experienced sexual trauma and yet we pretend to like nobody has. I hope Taylor talks about sexual trauma and recovery, boundaries and consent, sexual safety, and is trauma-informed in future episodes. I'm sorry for your sexually violating experience. Somebody (s) stole something from you. I hope you can find ways to value and treasure yourself. Find your worth.
@@kateshiningdeer3334 same for me! I am literally at the point where I am afraid to even open my mouth because I am so so so sick of getting everything wrong. 12:53
Just 1 thing that might help some people - someone can potentially be quite hypersexual and also asexual. This describes younger me and it was incredibly confusing and hard to navigate and I’ve read many comments of people saying similarly - asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction to others. So you can have a high drive, or even be hypersexual. I was this way and it was difficult because I lacked attraction to others, it feels like you struggle to find an appropriate way to express your feelings that works for you. A big thing that helped me was writing erotica because you can express yourself without having to engage in these experiences. From my understanding a lot of autistics especially women benefit from that route. Also very complicated in relationships as you can imagine :(
Yeah, I can relate. I am not asexual and I have a strong drive, but I have never understood the fixation with just one individual that turns you own. People can long to some women in bikini and I go: What? Am I supposed to be interested just because they are sum bathing? So, if I have a girlfriend, I am not turned on just by her body - that doesn't work that way for me and she might be disappointed that I don't tell her she is hot or similar things. I get turned on by the visual and seeing sexual organs and so on, but that is another thing is not connected to the attraction of a specific person and I don't feel this attraction in a non-sexual context usually. As I say, I wouldn't describe me as asexual, but a bit different in this respect. I am not neither aromantic or demisexual.
One thing that concerns me a bit about the topic is that: 1) A lot of the traditional taboos and rules exist to create safe spaces for vulnerable populations in light of the fact that the amount of emotion tied up in sex makes it really easy to inadvertently or maliciously traumatize others. 2) Autistics are a vulnerable population. 3) PDA and social deficits tend to make us resistant to rules we don't understand, but some taboos, for example, exist mostly to allow people excuses to exit a situation that won't be questioned. As a minority we're vulnerable to being shamed for being different. 4) Neurotypicals tend to be better than us at navigating social situations with no explicit rules, but also at finding and exploiting loopholes in explicit rules. So I'm not sure that the societal trend towards discarding all of the old sexual mores is great for us, but the previous situation had its own set odd problems for us.
When you tackle Autism and Sexuality in the future, could you talk about verbalizing? Strong feelings and/or being fully engaged in an activity can shut down verbalizing completely--to ourselves and others. As children, it's like: "Why do I have the cookie jar? I don't know! How did Mom know I was going to take a cookie before I knew!?" As adults it's like: "Am I in love with you!? I was just being with you," or "Well, it's a Big feeling, like--Too Big." or even, "Can't we just have feelings now and talk later?" Likewise, translating someone else's spoken ideas and feelings into new patterns of behavior is really tough, too. Like: "We can't just run away together!" or "How long will 'being intimate' take?" This can get messy, really fast!
I had quite some problems with my ex too... like when she would say: "I want you"... okay... but how? Cuddles, sex, deep kissing but no sex... to what point? But you're tired right? Help. Internal panic. It was only after we broke up that a friend told me that typically most people mean sex with "I want you", and it cleared many thing up. Have to admit that if my mind says "I want you" (my partner) it means deep intimate hugs, and I can't think about anything else then being in her arms.
This is such an important topic! I think my parents should have known I was autistic as I started stimming with maturbation before age 5. I even did it at school! This was the number one clue for me as an adult that I was autistic. In a religious community there can be a lot of shame about this. I self shamed for years and blamed my inability to stop maturbation as the reason I wet the bed! Lol another autistic check mark. My parents never shamed me, they just told me that God didn't want me to do that. :( I still have a lot of shame surrounding it but with my kids I have tried to be careful with how I talk about it.
Thank you, really appreciate this topic as I’ve struggled with many aspects. So grateful to be here amongst openness, understanding, support & sharing such important information.
This is a rough subject for me. Back when I was young and single, I never had an instance of mutual interest, at least not that I could pick up on. And then later, when I finally had a partner, the combination of pathological demand avoidance and rejection sensitivity would get in the way of getting physical on a regular basis. Now, I feel like I'm too old to worry about it anymore.
I appreciate this video, as I think non-hetero sexuality/other gender identities and neurodivergence intersect quite often. I particularly appreciate that you point out masturbation as something that is not only acceptable, but as something that can be very positive and helpful. It is not for me, but it absolutely is a great way to explore your own body and likes. You reminded me of Doctor Doe with the "be curious" comments, which I liked, because I find that to be a very positive view to take. One nitpick of the video, though I appreciate the acknowledgement of asexuality in general: you phrase asexuality as an end of a spectrum of one's engagement with or interest in sexual activity, with hypersexuality at the opposite end, though you defined it correctly as a lack of sexual attraction. Hypersexuality would really go with hyposexuality, which is another categorization of sexual interest/sexual behavior. Pansexuality is the more accurate "opposite end" of the spectrum, being sexually attracted to any gender. Neither pansexuality nor asexuality are markers of sexual behavior; I am asexual, but am not averse to sex, for example. I will say, it is a bit confusing for those sexualities to have -sexual in the name for this reason, as it often leads to this confusion; asexual people having no interest in sex, or bi- or pan- people being naturally promiscuous,. Also, many people don't understand having an interest in sex without having sexual interest in another person, which I get. I just have to bring it up when it is put on a spectrum like that as people often conflate asexuality with celibacy, when they are not the same thing. They may converge often, but are not the same. Thank you for reading my late night thoughts. I look forward to the next video.
Yeah, there is a massiv overlap, we are disproportionally prone to be queer or any flavor. Well, the one end of the ace spec would be the opposite end of hypersexuality but just saying ace excludes the massiv bulk of variation that still is under the ace umbrella too. There absolutely is an endpoint of zero sexual attraction, zero desire, zero sexual activity, it just is not the only way to be ace.
I have not been formerly diagnosed, but i have recently been feeling that i may be on the autism spectrum and trying to make sense of what that means for me, and also in terms of my past experiences. I saw your video about stimming and started wondering what type of stims i myself may hsve and one thing to come to mind was that often when i was feeling a lot of stress i would masturbate, the coincidental timing of your video is perfect lol
I had to laugh when you were talking about an aversion to light touch....my husband can attest to this. I've said over the years either touch like you mean it, or not at all!!!
Light touches or slight brushes drive me insane. It's like having a fan on when the room you're in is cold AF. It almost hurts. I hate unsolicited touches but if you're going to do it, do it like you mean it or not at all.
I have not had a sexual experience with another since unmasking and I can say with certainty that my emotions and sensations have increased dramatically. I'm a virgin as an autistic person and my empath emotions are super strong and not sure if you know but I also share my partners emotions and feelings during sex and it's gonna be amazing!! Also the amount of stimulation I get with so many senses during masturbation and the release of negative energy is so healthy. Everything has to be right and even on occasion you lose that build up and are too exhausted to try again because your mind wandered elsewhere, the struggle is real!!🤭 Thanks Taylor for sharing!!👍😎👻🌶
I am the neurodivergeant in my marriage and this resonates a lot. I only learned about my difference a couple of years ago and I'm in my 40s. I have completely given up on this aspect of my life and regret even trying some days. I wish I had learned about this years ago. Good video!
I am newly diagnosed as autistic, and so now have to educate myself about this disorder. When you mentioned that some of us don't like light touch, I felt validated, and so grateful!
Thank you. My least favorite part of being touched inappropriately, besides the act was people telling me it's not a big deal. Not until I went full potentially lethal meltdown did anyone do anything. If someone says stop it means stop. So many people I've met also don't get being touched is very difficult for me. At best a hug feels like a bad tickle, at worst it's painful. Always have to put my hand wherever I'm touched or it tingles or semi itches. Odors are worse because my sense of smell and taste are linked. Like a snake's Jacobson Organ.
@@tracirex that kind of judgements and decisions made after one happening makes it scary to even get close to people and want to be yourself and unmask.... what if youve been together for a little while and you think everythings fine but accidentally fart and then your single.... that feels toxic to me.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that light touch sets all my nerves on edge but firm or deep pressure touch hurts. So no matter what I cringe away and the whole thing becomes a state of self defence. Couple that with the fact that I cannot speak/go mute during sexual encounters and there is just no way to find a middle ground. It’s all irrelevant to me now since I have zero desire after menopause, and it feels like a blessed relief, but I wish I had realised this about myself when I was younger as perhaps I would now not find all my sexual memories traumatic.
Omg…I also have to rub or itch my arm after someone brushes by me. It’s nice living way up North so I almost always can wear long sleeves…so I feel safe from that maddening light touch tickle!
I was blessed to have been high functioning and in mainstream classes with neurotypicals...because I was able to take sex education classes, learn about boundaries/consent, etc. From what I understood, in some cases..people on the spectrum are not taught those things...and it does them a great disservice. I'm noticing nowadays that the old saying 'if you've met one autistic person, you've only met one autistic person' is being forgotten.
Jesus. That sounds intense. Thanks for sharing that. It's a slow process. I'm in a similar phase right now and it seems like I can't go a week without some world-shifting realization. It's getting exhausting lol, but I know it needs to be done. It sounds like I have less stuff to unpack than you do but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can get there too. I wish you well on that journey, friend ❤
Taylor, another beautiful example for us! I REALLY appreciate this, especially how you talk about non-judgmental conversations with ourselves and reminding us that we can just be kind and curious instead. Beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for having this discussion.And I honestly would really like to see some more discussion regarding this in a long format where you can dive deep and dig in. And? I honestly can't wait to hear the different definitions for the differentypes because I am unfamiliar with The majority of those types. But I also get the vibe that I'm probably gonna resonate with many of them.
Thank you Taylor for talking about this issue and helping to destigmatize it. I am on the Autism Spectrum and was super fortunate to have a very sex positive mom who educated me about sex from an early age. Nothing was taboo between us, and I am living my best life because of it.
Sexuality is a major special interest of mine, it's led to a great deal of the unusual shape of my sex life, and learning about autistic sensory differences and adhd attention differences have really helped me understand why I work the way I do. Needing to communicate the ways in which my sensory response is unusual is a lot of why I'm an excellent communicator around sex. Also, so many ND folks in the kink community! The communication clarity that's socially expected there is a wonderful break from the NT expectations of the broader world, and it's a great place to find ways to get the kind of deep and intense sensations that work for me.
Same interest and noticing how the kink community is all about upfront communication about likes and dislike no guessing. There are just so many connections which makes me wonder if alot of ND ppl tend to naturally gravitate to it. Since it's not all about sex sometimes so you can still get other needs met that don't have to involve actual sex.
Thank you so much for this series Taylor! I just got my official diagnosis less than two weeks ago. I'm also a trans woman and definitely hypersexual. The part about the light touch was interesting because I am the exact opposite, in the sense that light touch feels so pleasurable.
I get mad at myself because in the morning I will be like "I'm giving my spouse some good loving tonight! But by the time bedtime comes I'm like so exhausted and overwhelmed 😪. Then I feel like I disappointed my spouse.
Thank you so much for this topic. I was totally unaware that autistic people have a higher chance of not being heterosexual. I've only just discovered I'm autistic and I do consider myself asexual. It's not that I'm 100% without sexual feelings. I really like my alone time to the point where I don't think someone would be happy to be my partner and I don't feel it would be fair to put someone through that. Also I'm clueless when it comes to women, being autistic, being introverted, and having no relationship experience in my 40s. I think someone about my age won't want someone with no relationship experience.
Autistic people are statistically more likely to identify as MOGAI, although many posit we’re just less likely to be closeted than allistics or NTs. Unfortunately, many ableist and homophobic/transphobic people take this greater statistical likelihood to mean that Autistics who identify as MOGAI are just “confused” by our neurotype. It’s a common transphobic talking point, in fact.
I wouldn’t assume that limited experience is automatically undesirable. There could be someone else with limited experience who would be SUPER grateful that you aren’t bringing a lot of expectations and performance pressure to the relationship.
Most aces are not compleatly without sexual feelings, we have a lot of variety between those who feel no attraction, desire or arousal and those who very much feel desire, just no attraction. Some are sex repulsed, sone enjoy mastubation, some can and enjoy sex with their partner, but no more then eating something good and would not bother if it where not for their partner. The best most healthy and happyerst relationship I know is between an autistic woman with sexual trauma and her adhd wife. Neither identifies as ace but they still pretty much nevet sleep with eachother, cause it is kinda a chore and needs to worth it. Either can mastubate if they feel like it. Especially the autistic wife kust really rarely feel like it. Her wife used to absolutely crave it in het former relationship, cause sex was the only validation and emotional conection she ever got. In this relationship she is happy without it cause both give eachother love and conection in other ways. They text eachother dirty role plays, listen with care to what the ither says, make sure to accomodate the other, plain put effort into the relationship and find out what works for them, what they need and make it work even if it is unconventional. While some people absolutly cant, way more peoole then you would think could be perfectly happy in a relationship without sex! Sex is in no way as fundamentaly needed for everyone as media likes to to make us believe... If it fits it fits
You should also consider going into things like fetishes. Just like tags in clothes, certain fabrics, textures, etc. can be so unpleasant, other things can be so pleasurable that they might even turn into fetishes. I know both my daughter and I as children loved to rub on the satin edging of blankets, or other satiny items (we both wore holes in such fabrics). This is one reason why I knew my daughter had to also be evaluated in her teens when I was diagnosed at 43 (while preparing for my divorce no less). But for me, I always found that certain other things all but demanded that they be touched, which translated into fetishes as I grew up. That was one of the many things about which I had an "Ah-ha" moment when I was finally diagnosed.
Please make more videos on this topic!! I am positive there is more to expand on and understand and personally I am trying so hard to find what I need to have balance and good relationships ..even friendship as 34 yr old autistic female( no children ) realization hit that after I stopped, masking that am having trouble with sexuality,gender identity and self in general. Please keep up conversations like this. I really hope they continue. Thank you so much for the work you do ❤
This is a great topic to discuss well done Taylor for discussing autism and sexuality and what the tramas like for people with autism who struggle with sexuality
I've felt like I'm not like other girls since I was a kid, and now as an adult, I like to think I'm a person with female parts but not a woman. In my 20s I figured out that I was demi/greysexual, and then realized I was bisexual. Then that I was autistic. At every realization, I understood why things have been a bit challenging in the relationship arena. I've basically just given up hope of ever finding someone I could be that close to. The social difficulties part of autism is really in the way, especially because queer people are rare where I live. I guess it leaves more time for other stuff.
There are lots of ways to be a woman. If you are an adult and you're female, you're doing "woman" right. Don't feel the need to succumb to patriarchal stereotypes in order to be able to enjoy yourself. There is great joy in finding how to be comfortable with yourself. Wear what you like. Find what makes you special. Take joy into woman you are right now.
@@katyjean862 My sense of gender has nothing to do with patriarchy. I just don't feel like a woman, never have. I feel uncomfortable being called a woman, but where I live, we don't use gendered pronouns or have any strict rules about how certain genders should behave, so situations where I get called a woman are rare. I'm either genderfluid or somewhat agender, going from feeling like a girl to feeling like a genderless person.
@@Leena79 If you are female and adult, then how it feels to be a woman is how it feels to be you. You are your body. You have a woman's body. How you feel in your body is what a woman's body feels like. No woman has to project or perform any stereotypes in order to be a woman or feel like a woman. You just are a woman.
@@katyjean862you also could understand that there are a lot of ways for people to perceive their gender and while it's true that you don't have to fulfill stereotypes to be a woman, it's also true that some people don't feel like women despite being assigned female at birth.
It was interesting to me to hear about light touch being such a no amongst the community. For me, light touch is AMAZING, and It think it goes along with the stimming you were talking about at the end. I can do it to myself, running my fingers along my arm for example, or have a partner do it, and it calms me right down. However, if I’m tickled? I will freak out. Very interesting.
Sexuality is such a loaded topic. So much allistic toxicity revolves around taboos surrounding sex. It’s normal for them to lie, cheat, and manipulate people using their sexual power to get things that have nothing to do with sex. This always causes me pain and confusion and shame when I’m caught up in it. I’m very direct. If I’m attracted to someone, I’ll often tell them so. This generally gets one of two reactions from the allistic: Embarrassed withdrawal and ghosting or exploitative manipulation. Not so with women I suspect are like me (autistic or otherwise herd divergent) They tend to be more straightforward. I’m 59. I’ve “been with” dozens of women over the years. The ones who became long term partners I now realize were different than the others. Very different. Like me. That doesn’t mean we live together happily ever after though. Since my diagnosis I’ve come to understand that being autistic is at it’s core, about being alone. On my own. Without the general understanding, and social support most people take for granted. That carries over into intimacy as well, especially as I age. …but judging from what I’ve seen happen to almost all the marriages of my colleagues and peers, I’m better off for it. Romantic love is beautiful, but it comes and it goes. Autism is beautiful too - and it’s forever ❤😊
It is interesting to see, how I partially relate and dont relate, I am autistic and I experience being alone a lot, moved for university, failed in university dont have the mony to move back, so I am pretty fare away from my friends and did. Not manage to make new ones here. I never had an interest in romantic or sexual partners, but I have very intense stable friendships and only the most distant is with another autist. Neither of my two extresmly close friends is autistic and we can still connect to a level many neurotypical friendships do not. Obe of them married an autistic woman who therefor also very much is not alone.... It so depends in the people you encou ter and what you want from life
"stay curious" - such a great phrase. I'm used to hearing it from Sexplanations, and I don't know if that's been an influence for you (it's certainly not the only place I've heard it), and so hearing it from another creator that's also talking about sexuality just brings me joy. Thanks for encouraging curiosity!! 😊
Relatively recently, one of my therapists has identified that I may be on the spectrum. I am unfamiliar with the term “stem” or “stim”, and this is the first time I’ve seen any of your videos, or any other videos that have featured autism and how to navigate the world as someone who is neurodivergent , I am in the dark about a lot of what you covered, but I think a lot of it resonated with me. Much of what you have mentioned in this video may help me understand more about myself, and my connection with others, and how I relate to women that I am attracted to. I look forward to the next video! Thanks for sharing! Please have an excellent and awesome day! ☀️✨🙏🏻
Stim or stimming referes to self stimmulating behavior, whixh usually is very innocent if not in this video. Common stims are handflapping, rocking yourself, repeating sounds, lifting yourself up to your toes, chewing your lips, tapping your fingers, playing with hair ir jewlery, ..... Pretty much, mostly repetitive, movements that give you sensory imput to focus on to better deal with other sensory imput as a to noisy enviroment, or better deal with feelings. Pretty mich everyone engages with some stimming, but adhd and autism usually have most stim a lot more then other people and stim in bigger more noticable ways. Listening to a song on repeat can also be a stim, basically everything where you use sensory input to regulate how you feel. In Adhd stims often are used to occupy yourself to be able to keep giving your attention, there a lack of imput tends to be the problem, with autists usually to much imput is the problem ..... And if you got both, it is both and an extreamly delicate balance to keep trying to accomodate both
My bf and I feel are on the spectrum. I also think he has ADHD as his symptoms match mine. Our main issue is when his brain isn't working he falls a sleep which means when we try to have sex he falls asleep. He also doesn't like exercise and his arms are really weak which means he can't hold himself up. So I've tried doing everything but he falls asleep. I'm so sad. I've asked him to get some help because the lack of touch is starting to get to me. I just don't know how to help him anymore.
I've been waiting to be able to take the Autism and Adhd tests, I definitely suspect I am but I don't wanna say for sure. I've always been curious, but also always feeling different from others for many reasons. I identify as Genderfluid, Asexual & Omnisexual (more Asexual) and I can definitely say my feelings fluctuate due to moods and things, so it depends. I always find your videos helpful, even if I find out I'm not on the Autism Spectrum or have Adhd it's nice to know I can relate to people who have similar issues. Also I have had traumatic experiences with emotional and physical so that might be a part of it. Also I have moments when I get very uncomfortable thinking about physical intimacy with others, so it makes things difficult. I haven't been in relationships before so thinking of those types of things makes me uncomfy (I'm 20 going to be 21 this year just for context).
I'm demisexual. I can be romantically attracted to someone and have a crush on them, but I won't be even thinking about sex stuff (a lot of times not even kissing) until I have an emotional connection with them. I never understood how other people could want a one-night stand or just see a person and think they want to have sex with that person. It doesn't make sense to me. However, this does have its benefits. I'm a member of the LDS Church. I want to wait until marriage. Being demi will probably be very helpful in that aspect. I also have a very personality-based type rather than liking someone for their looks. Looks are a bonus. Personality is important.
Thank you for putting words into my experience, it is so important to hear all I feel being voiced out like this - it enables me to accept myself a lot better!
Really interesting, thanks! Having identified as neurotypical and heterosexual for most of my adult life (or rather just assumed I was), I have ended up changing my mind on both in the last year or so. I hadn't even heard the term demisexual before my daughter suggested it might fit and I was dubious for a while, but that's me. Some other things you mentioned fit too...
This was a very informative and very good video addressing sexuality in the neurodivergence world. I'm not autistic (I study psychology that's how I got here) but even I can say sexual encounters with someone else can be a very overwhelming experience. Thank you so much for making videos about this topics that are necessary 😊
Hi, I think this is a great topic to discuss & a great starting off point. Can you consider covering abuse, boundaries and manipulation in this area. Perhaps exploring how alexithymia affects our experience as individuals on the spectrum. Like, for example, How to speak up if someone wants to do something you are not comfortable with. Unfortunately I think many on the spectrum struggle in this area. How to have a healthy experience for individuals with Ptsd. This can be a touchy subject, so please just take this as a suggestion that I think could be helpful to some individuals.
I’d also like Taylor to speak to that. Considering Autistic children across the country are funneled into abusive compliance training (ABA), where they’re taught they’re not allowed to set boundaries or say no, it’s a particularly important discussion to have.
Where i find myself feeling shame is each new thing about myself differs from the norm. I have adhd (was the first, asexual aromatic sex repulsed (as the second), too being trans (third), and now both a chronic illness and probably being autistic (having a hard time accepting that i am despite al evidence pointing towards yes). Each new thing, makes it harder for me to accept. While i don't look at other people that way, for myself i can't help feeling like there is more and more wrong with me
Hi Tay, thanks for this video. I have identified myself agender since kindergarten, because gender is just a social construct. About sexuality, I think I'm aromantic (because I can't manage the stress of being constantly with another human being), and asexual. Sexuality talks cause me distress and I'm very ashamed of it. But I think I really need a sexual education, because I don't want to think it's an evil act anymore.
Are you anywhere near Austin TX? I have a fantastic sex therapist I could introduce you to. And it's not strict methodology, just casual talk therapy, so it's very relaxed and groovy.
My bf is autistic/adhd and I am on a waitlist for an assessment. I've discovered that he has a very low sex drive and doesn't even like kissing or making out that much and it has made me feel very depressed about our relationship because physical touch, kissing, making out and sex are all super important to me and I feel like i want to do that all the time with him but he isn't interested and it makes me feel unwanted even though I know he loves me I can't help feeling rejected. He mentioned feelings of numbness and disconnection. Do you have any advice?
@emharper Just something to wonder about...would he happen to be diabetic or have any diabetic traits because Diabetes can cause a low sex drive as well, because of blood flow.
Fortunately, I don't have to grapple with concerns about my sexuality since, by general consensus, I'm considered quite unappealing. My mother has even attempted to set up a marriage for me, but the photos she circulated garnered a less-than-positive reaction. I've grown accustomed to it, though. As time passes, I find myself becoming increasingly invisible. No one has desired me thus far, and it seems unlikely that they ever will. But that's okay, I've come to accept it.
I can relate…I’ve had to come to love myself, since in society’s terms, I’m boring and unattractive. I got so used to it over the decades, that on the rare occasion that I am flirted with, I shut down.
@TheMusicalElitist I’m sorry you’ve had these terrible experiences and internalized a negative self image. You are a human being who is worthy of love. Even if you aren’t able to find a partner who recognizes that, it’s still true.
@GhostIntoTheFog stop lying to people to make yourself feel good. Some people are not worthy of love. This is why so many men, especially back in the day, did not get to produce and died virgins. Just like op, accepting your fate as undesirable is the first step of being content with life. Cheers to op cause I feel ya, and all I got to say people ain't worth it, just enjoy life and try to find good purpose in life.
I am an autistic 17 year-old. One of the issues I have around sensuality is that I want to know what set feels like but I have never even had a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything (the only reason I kissed anyone other than my famiy was because she found out I was almost 17 and had never kissed anyone and wanted to show me what it was like) and I want to know the person and trust them but I don't know how to form a relationship with anyone like that
Hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, my adult life could have been spared a lot of confusion, hurt, and self loathing if someone had told me thirty-odd years ago that asexuality is real and valid.
I hated being touched by anyone for any reason as long as I can remember. Part of it might be that a babysitter was highly inappropriate with me whenever I was under her care when I was a little boy, but as I've started exploring whether or not I'm on the Spectrum or might fall more in line with some other diagnosis, I've come to see that there's a good chance I always hated physical contact. I literally get nauseated when someone is touching me. It feels like tiny needles where they're touching too. The hard part is, I've always had a very strong sexual appetite as well. I cannot recall a time when I didn't find girls/women attractive. When I hit my teens, I dated a few girls (in the "sort of" way that kids "date" before they can drive or be without parents somewhere nearby), then had my first real girlfriend at 15, and we became sexually active soon after. I would LOVE the experience of being close with her and giving her pleasure, but when it was over for both of us, I would quietly throw up in the bathroom. It was so confusing to love being that sensual, yet that overtly anti-touch as well. By my 20s, I had resigned myself to the idea that nausea and sexual desire would be my experience for life... but when I was 27, I met a woman, and when we kissed for the first time, there was ZERO nausea, ZERO needles. It was like this moment when Dorothy goes from black and white to full color. It was so shocking, and the first few months of falling in love with her (which was also notable because I literally never before believed that I could feel love) were SO outside my nearly 30yrs of experience that I actually had a complete mental breakdown and basically disappeared. She didn't take it personally, and kept expressing support, and even accidentally talked me down from ending things via a perfectly timed and perfectly expressed voicemail, so we've been together ever since - and I just turned 46, to give you an idea how much things changed thanks to her loving me and letting me be me. Our sex life is magnificent, and that still makes me marvel every day, because I still can't stand touch from anyone - other than her. Sounds dumb and "Hollywood make-believe," but that's how it is. I'm very pleasantly surprised (no pun intended) to hear that masturbation is a common go-to for people on the Spectrum. I have no problem saying that it's probably my number one stress relief technique, the only problem is it usually takes a LONG time because I'm blessed/cursed with freakishly long stamina, so I really only have time to do it about as often as our actual sex life's encounters. Is this common for other Autistic people? Anyway, I could say so much more, but I suspect people are already thinking "TMI, homie." I just want to say thank you for starting this series. I've long struggled with what to think about how libidinous I am, while also hating contact of any kind from anyone by my wife. I even thought my sexual appetite might inherently mean I wasn't Autistic after all, so it's already been educational to know that's not the case at all.
Note: I am not diagnosed autistic, but I do have a lot of the symptoms. Also, autism was suspected when I was a child by a therapist, but it didn’t get tested unfortunately. So please take my self diagnosis with a grain of salt. You are likely not the only one who feels that way. I feel very similar about sexuality. Though I never had a relationship yet, due to low self confidence and self isolation (I’m 27 years old). - I tend to masturbate a lot more when stressed, which also takes a lot of time due to my stamina. I don’t think this high stamina is a blessing though. - I also hate being touched, though somehow I know that I want one person in my life who would. I would only like it if I find the person attractive. If someone touches me and I don’t feel attracted to that person, I’m actually getting angry and have to control myself. - Still, I might be hypersexual, to a degree where I think a lot about it. Though I it does vary a lot. There are times where I don’t think much about sexuality, and sometimes It increases by a lot.
So helpful being autistic and still a virigin! It's hard to find a woman to lose my virginity to. mainly because I'm so shy around them. Lately I've been dying to have sex, to finally engage with the opposite gender, not just for stress release, but also for a deep connection. dating apps suck in my personal experience, so no hope there.
being 30 and a virigin doesn't embarrass me anymore. I want to find the person who understands me 100% so I can be in a comfortable place for sex.@@MomontheSpectrum
I gotta find the person who understands me so I can be comfortable with them. so I am not embarrassed or shamed to be a virgin in my 30s.@@MomontheSpectrum
If you're the caregiver to small children, you may also be "touched out." Small children constantly touch, tap, hang on, etc. If you work with the kids all day, the last thing you want is MORE touching, especially unsolicited.
30%. Wow. I thought I'd keep my sexuality to myself because I thought folks would think I was just making things up. Like autism wasn't enough. I thought folks would think, "So you are autistic, lesbian AND asexual?! Oh, come on!" Thanks for sharing.
sis female here--I've only experience sex with males and it never really did it for me. I always thought that I was gay. in the last few years, I've started to consider that I'm asexual. and in really reviewing the experiences I've had, I remember MULTIPLE times thinking, "this is the cost I pay to get to snuggle time." yes, in retrospect, that's not super healthy. but it's really hard to understand everything at the time. and as someone who is potentially autistic (waiting on the official diagnosis, but the self evaluations say > 80% chance, yes), I really struggle with understanding what the heck I'm feeling on a Tuesday, let alone when I'm in a really intense experience. personally, I always found that I could GIVE pleasure or I could RECEIVE pleasure, but if they were both happening at the same time, I could only focus on one or the other. it's hard to find someone to talk openly about sex without it being a clinical diagram that could be in a medical textbook or something that is scuzzy and salacious that belongs on an XXX site. THANK YOU for this honest, non-icky conversation.
A combination of abuse by a friend’s stepfather when I was about 5, being shamed by parents for having desire, having had numerous operations in my groin area and being on the autism spectrum have made sex very difficult to navigate.
Autism made my sexuality make so much more sense. In a way, I was masking when I first talked about having crushes on boys in 4th grade. I don't think I understood what I was meant to feel when I liked someone, so I would make a logical choice (ie he is cute and is in advanced math too so I should have a crush on him). I had my first real crush on a girl my senior year of highschool and it was wayyyy different. There's also the way I acted around my male crushes but that's embarrassing so I'm just not gonna dwell on it. Now I'm 22 and haven't had sex, but I've been in two relationships with girls and it has been great (while they lasted anyway). Alexithymia makes me understand why my sexuality journey happened the way it has. I hope I find my person someday
This really explains my preference twards bdsm D/s and having a narrow band of type of sensations i like and don't like. Ugh. 53yrs old before I've come to this information. If you look into some cross-reference stuff, look into Starseeds, indigo, crystal, and rainbow children please!!!! I believe we are very spiritual beings having grown up in a very controlling dysfunctional judgemental society. The different frequency we operate on is a closer connection to God/source, and trying to conform to outdated beliefs is why we've jad so much trouble being narcissist magnets. We're here to break cycles! Thank you SO much for sharing!!!!!
I've got so many thoughts about this topic but I've never been able to talk about it, even with my wife of 20 years (separated for a year now after getting diagnosed 18months ago at 59)
Autistic people can have a lot of trauma in this area, so I think this is a great topic to tackle. Well done, Taylor. You did so very respectfully. 💞
Thanks Whitney! I really value your perspective so it's good to hear your feedback on this topic. :)
Yes! Unfortunately, I think sexual trauma is a big part of this convo too. Especially when autistic people can have a hard time reading the social cues of potentially dangerous situations.
@chloebunde4455 I was trafficked for 2 decades because I was socially in ept to see the signs. Essentially, I thought I was going on blind dates to potential suitors, because i always wanted a hunsband and nuclear family growing up. However, my "friend" was taking money from others promising them the "girlfriend experience ". I lost 20 years because of a misogynistic female who exploited my need to stem ("dance" being my suitable go to accepted stemming to move energy out of my body).
The healing journey here will likely take up the entirety of the remainder of my life. 😔
Yes, I think this trauma ought to be tackled as part of this series. I mean, autistic people, and women in particular are targeted.
I'm in a support group for late diagnosed autistic women that meets weekly(ish). We've all been victims of SA, often at a young age and often at more than one point in our lives. While my sample size is small, it's not an insignificant finding. SA is traumatic, and if autistic individuals are at an increased risk of being victimized, this needs to be included in the discussion on autism and sexuality. Think of the influence this specific type of trauma has on a person's sexuality and how they go about navigating that aspect of life.
"horse hands" - the term for more firm touch (because horses don't like light touches either, it feels like flies to them)
Thanks for explaining, because the image I conjured up in my head was a human but with hooves for hands. I like yours better lmao 😂
@@scobeymeister1LOL 😂🤣 😅
I imagined a horse with hands instead of hooves. 🐴 🖐️
@@TheCimbrianBull i was just imagining a full on horse giving someone a massage, which would probably be pretty firm unavoidably..
@@scobeymeister1 personally i like mine best lol
In my relationships, I have had a lot of women who become upset or even angry that I have phases when I do not want to be intimate. They always take it personally even though I explain that I have disorders and traumas.
It is totally normal to go through phases where you do not want to be intimate. I'm sorry to hear about the struggle it has caused.
You're not alone with this experience. I have had the same thing happen to me.
This has been my experience as well.
Thank you for sharing this. While the genders are opposite in my story, I do understand this. You're not alone. It is so disheartening to be misunderstood especially in intimate relationships.
Hmm, no wonder so many male incels are autistic
Light touch is HORRIBLE. I have told my massage therapist "you can't use too much pressure". She took it as a challenge, and now I get the best deep tissue massage that I have ever had.
Same here!! My massage therapist is always like ARE YOU SURE. and I’m always like 💯. And they’re always shocked I can take it.
@@MomontheSpectrum Part of it for me is taking it as a challenge to relax into the pain and let my muscles move with the therapist instead of tensing up.
I just recently hear another neurospicey person mention this. Until then I had no idea that being icked by light feathery touch was a commonality for us.
Absolutely!
@@MomontheSpectrumI spoke with my massage therapist and called her ‘Karate fingers’, after she worked deep tissue massage into my treatment, for the first time. 😊
I wish that I lived near you and your massage therapist!!
Thank you so much for having this conversation. It seems nobody wants to touch this important topic. I came out as a gay man 30 years ago. Now, I have to come out again as Autistic since my diagnosis five months ago. I’ve felt very much excluded so far. Sexuality is part of our identity and should not be hidden but spoken about openly. Thank you again.
You’re welcome! Glad you are here and thanks for your comment
I've said I've been doing double masking, my sexuality and my neurotype. One has been conscious, the other has mostly been subconscious. I've been sort of out of the gay closet for over 20 years now, but not really openly - family, closest friends, some colleagues. I've not been keeping it a secret, but also haven't e.g. posted about my relationship on facebook. I've really started discovery into my autism very recently. I don't have an official diagnosis (my suspicion was pretty much confirmed as a psychologist/therapist brought the topic up), and will probably not be getting one in the near future, as where I live, I don't think it will actually grant any support for me, and there can be some downsides. It feels quite exhausting to think again who do I tell to, what do I say, what will they say (I guess here an official diagnosis would help, but feels stupid to get it just for that)... On one hand, I don't want to be again in a closet, on the other hand, I don't know what telling would really change.
hi fintux. double masker here too. a video that helped me decide to self identify instead of going formal is called "rethinking my dx by youtuber Sydney zarlengo". hope this helps.
@@fintuxI thought coming out as gay would free me in a way. That wasn’t true because something was still off. I realize it was because of autism. I’m finding it really difficult to unmask now. I’ve tried, but reactions of people have not been very positive. I didn’t receive abuse, but I could see people distancing themselves from me. I deleted facebook and X because of that. I don’t think I will attempt coming out as autistic soon. We should give ourselves time and see who our safe people are. Thank you for sharing your story.
@@tracirex okay, thanks for the tip, I'll watch that one. I think many people et the diagnosis to get some accommodations (this is especially true for children). I think, however, that instead of everyone having access to diagnosis, we should instead have the possibility for accommodations for everyone who needs them. Doesn't matter if it's autism, ADHD, PTSD or what.
This has been a huge point of confusion for me. I was SA by my uncle in my early teens, but I also never experienced any sort of sexual feelings prior to that. The wonder for me has always been, does sex freak me out/am I completely disinterested because of trauma or am I just asexual. Digging deeper into autism (I’m in what I’m referring to as my Enlightenment period, where it feels like every day I realize something else about myself that is perfectly explained by neurodivergence and I finally have the words to articulate) I have realized it’s probably a combination of both. AND in some ways, I think my naïveté regarding sex and my having no sexual feelings led me to be more vulnerable to being groomed by my uncle because I couldn’t conceptualize that he or other people might be having feelings of wanting sex/sex-related acts, my brain is literally just thinking he must really love listening to me talk about film. I’ve found myself, a number of times, realizing too late that someone has been making comments or insinuating things they want (related to me) that are sexual and I will have had absolutely no clue they wanted to be anything other than friends discussing school or one of my special interests. These situations always terrify me and make me so ashamed that I couldn’t understand their intentions which spirals into total isolation and being much more distant with other humans than I’d like to be. All that to say, this is SUCH an important topic to be discussing because education and enlightenment can help us (a vulnerable population) navigate this area of life in a much safer way. Thank you for talking about this despite the taboo nature. I’m excited to be joining this community! ❤
I’m excited you’re joining the community too. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience here. I know others will relate!
It is sadly super common for autistic women and girls to be vulnerable to sexual predation.
Very often we don't even realize a sexual subtext is even part of the conversation, much less realize that we're participating in it.
Being undiagnosed increases this vulnerability.
I am so sorry you had these horrible experiences, and I hope you dedicate at least a little time each day to loving and valuing yourself and healing a bit more.
I feel the same in regards to the fear and strangeness I feel when other people ask me out or see me as someone to be sexual with- it's always made me deeply uncomfortable. It's like so many people, men especially, constantly have this ulterior motive in talking with me (I get into it a lot with people at the gym about special interests or talking about their interests) and I'm always left feeling icky and stupid for not realizing I've "led them on", even though I understand that I'm in the minority for feeling this way and that I was just being my friendly self. I like connecting with people, seeing them as a being, hoping they see me as a being.
@@TriforceLiz If a neurotypical would have picked up on it, then I'm not sure it counts as an 'ulterior motive'. I think people, in general, tend to assume that others are "on the same page" unless they obviously aren't.
Miscommunication is a thing that does happen and it can be particulary bad across the neurotypical/neurodivergent divide.
It's probably fair to assume that men may be assessing the potential of you (a woman) as a sexual partner, especially if they are single and you might be.
That doesn't mean it's a "will this work? great, sexy time!" kind of thing. But it does mean that it might come up at some point in the future if you're attractive and they like you.
@@jnharton I don't want to be assessed by someone as a potential sexual partner, though. I'm sick of it, and I do personally feel it is a gendered and cultural issue as much as it is an allistic/autistic thing. I've also had to start saying "I'm seeing someone" because not a single man has taken, "I'm not interested" as a valid reason to stop pursuing me. In two instances, I was abundantly clear that I was only interested in friendship, and they agreed, only for me to later realize they were lying and were trying to convince me otherwise. I enjoy connection and I'm friendly, and I feel, as a culture, it would be great if we could humanize people first before assessing them as potential sexual partners, and then a lot of us would be on the same page, because I know plenty of people feel similarly to me.
Thank you. I almost cried when you talked about masturbation as a stim. I've been doing it ever since I was a toddler.
I didn't know it was an example of stimming and I do it in my private time to relieve any stress during the day.
This explains a lot. I used to be addicted to masturbation. I learned to have a lot more control now. I've been feeling benefits from cutting back.
So much this!!!
Same.
Me too, since I was in school, and its something that embarrases me till this day.
Everybody, on the Spectrum or not, needs to learn that it's OK never to have dated or to have had sex.
I just stumbled on this page. I’m a mid-30s male. While I don’t have autism, I do have cerebral palsy, and the topic of sexuality isn’t discussed around the disabled community. In fact, we’re left out of this conversation entirely, which bothers me a ton!! I’m a virgin who’s never been kissed or been on an official date do to confidence and self-esteem related to my disability. Channels / conversations like these need to be happening more frequently. I absolutely love and agree with what you said!
It's perfectly ok once they don't join an Incels community. That's where it gets problematic,at best.
Depends, if ur a 18+ male and never had sex/dated, then there is something wrong with you. If ur a 18+ girl and never had sex or dated, then u are a unicorn, a endangered species that most be protected at all cost.
I have one eight-month relationship in my entire 45 years on this planet, which was one too many. I made a complete fool of myself during my teens and twenties because I thought being in a relationship was "the done thing" and felt much better when I realised that no, I much prefer my solitude, so that's how I'm going to stay from now on. If I want companionship I have a dog 🐶
@@philiphunn194 Wow, that's exactly why I used to go to clubs, play sports and have girlfriends. It's so inorganic, a delusion.
Thank you for including the aces!
✌🏻
Thank you for this. This is starting to be something I’m talking to my husband about. As a former people-pleaser, I learned that I was saying yes to things that I didn’t necessarily want to do because I was afraid of what would happen with whatever relationship it was. This is relevant as we had broken up for a few years (we both needed personal growth, and I value that separation now), however, it led to some not so… pleasant interactions when seeing other people. When we got back together, I had learned to say NO, and felt relatively comfortable saying no, especially because he always felt like a particularly safe person (he brought up autism to me separately from my own personal in-depth investigation, so I unmask around d him to an extent.” He took it personally for a couple of years and I know it was hard for him, but he respected my limits even though he felt like my feelings for him changed-no, I just don’t like being hugged or kissed unless I’m asked and only when I’m in the right mental space for it ie regulated. I didn’t have words for it at the time because I wasn’t considering autism at that point.. that came a few years later (we’ve been back together for 10 years.) after explaining some of these experiences with the knowledge of autism post my diagnosis, My husband asked “were you R’d?” I don’t really see it that way, but I suppose it was in a way as there was coercion and badgering involved, but personally I categorize it under S assault, and I don’t associate strong trauma with it, more discomfort and disinterest.
Anyway, I look forward to a series on this.
😁😁😁😁 I'm glad that you & your husband are doing better & are able to work on issues!! I understand a lot of this more than I'd normally say. You put into words, part of what I'd normally, mentally skip over. I really also got tired of people being pushy when I didn't feel well & couldn't get ebough of a rest from things & heal more, etc. I actually need time to process stuff better, rather than feel like I'm at a job & not allowed to work on things when I can focus better at my own pace, etc. I can generally do that now, off & on.
I hope things continue to go well for you & your husband & everyone else!! Stay safe!! Blessings, always!! 😁
This was really enlightening, thank you for sharing. I was wondering also, in addition to you learning about yourself, if it let you see your husband differently as well? I am assuming he is "neurotypical" and that he probably feels differently than you when it comes to physical touch and such. How do you, as a couple, balance his need to be hugged or kissed / his need to hug and kiss vs your need to not be hugged and kissed as often? Have you made any strategies together to let him fill his needs for "neurotypical" needs for physical contact? Do you for instance choose some evenings where you would actively go out of character and provide him with "steamy" physical contact with the sole purpose of giving that to him, or has he put those needs and sides of himself away for you? I am sorry for the maybe awkward questions - hopefully they are not too intrusive, and you feel that it is ok to reply to them :)
@@keny7269 More neurotypical than me, that’s for sure! He’s a very blunt, logical person that had a hard time understanding rules from authority without a valid explanation, introverted, but he can ‘play’ extroverted when needed and it doesn’t exhaust him for days afterwards. He lacks a lot of the repetitive/restrictive behaviors/thought patterns that tends to come along with autism but can relate to them. We’ve done a bunch of embrace(autism)’s tests and he usually scores right under or just barely over the threshold for ASD males, but low on things like masking traits.
That being said, he balances out a lot of the things that i have difficulty with. He’s assertive, so he’ll take lead I need it. He can actually decide on a choice between a thru z without getting hung up on trying to figure out what pros outweigh what cons (like buying a protective case for my iPad… i was a week into it and i still couldn’t decide, and he just looked at a few i brought up, picked one, and its been fine.) He’s timely, (I’m timeblind, it’s like a family trait between all my sisters and I.) Knowing what i know now, I GET why i was attracted to him-he balances out all those things that I seemed to struggle with all my life and did it with much more ease. That’s not to say he doesn’t get depressed, and doesn’t have anxiety or insomnia, cuz he does, but he does balance a lot of things.
Funny thing is.. when i first met him, i knew him through an ex’s guild on World of Warcraft. Man I thought he was ASS. But honestly, it was because i wasn’t used to people being so straightfoward, not sugarcoating things, and just.. blunt. It sounded harsh to me at the time because I used to manipulative behaviors and i was stuck thinking about what the undertones would be, i couldn’t fathom what his ulterior motives were. Once it clicked that there wasn’t really anything behind it, and he acted like that around his guy friends and family, I kinda just stuck like glue. I dunno, maybe it was skewed expectations based on past experiences, but i appreciate being told things VERY bluntly, and i have always been able to trust him to tell me the truth.
That being said, don’t get me wrong here, we haven’t quite gotten all things figured out. We have an understanding of what to expect out of me, what makes things work a bit better for me-like don’t come after me after a long day of errands or a troubling drs appointment, or bad weather day. There’s a lot “bad” things for put me off, and it does mean I do sometimes have to be willing to compromise to help meet his needs. In fact, we actually had a bit of argument about it today (while i was waiting for my adhd meds to kick in after eating breakfast, he went to give me a tight hug from behind and my body automatically jumped and recoiled and I said “You didn’t ask first” and it let to a bit from him.) I admit that I have perhaps been a bit too selfish, but this is kind of a new revelation for me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it (I only just got my diagnoses of ADHD & autism in February) and what it means, and I’ve been seriously struggling since a new psychiatrist took over my case and fked with my meds.) I know more about WHY things don’t work, or why it’s not going to work in that way this night or whatever. It’s still honestly rather confusing and I don’t always know what to do in a way that helps BOTH of us. I don’t know how many times I can say “I don’t mean to react like this, but when it’s unexpected I can’t override my instinctual reaction.” I even pointed out that I’m even jumpy and/or push my pets away when they get demand/affectionate/pushy/jump on me unexpectedly especially since I’ve been out of my stimulant this last past week (which also makes me sleep POORLY which lowers my threshold for all kinds of touch, even my close.) I don’t think it’s THAT hard to ask for consent for touch, but I understand his hurt feelings over being rejected. But like, I already feel like a terrible wife and guilty/shameful as it is without it being pointed out to me, and we had JUST talked about that a week before so I’m feeling both unsupported, unsupportive, guilty, and like a failure all at once.
It’s strange, because i used to be VERY touch-seeking, and now I’m horribly avoidant unless it’s under just the right circumstances. I do think that’s where a lot of his confusion and hurt comes from, but I also know that’s a need of his too. I try when i can, but it doesn’t always feel like it’s enough or noticed. My love language is more… doing things, service things.. like “Hey you want eggs for breakfast?”, “can i get you a refill?”, grabbing him a treat, when i drop in a store for household things, popping by his work to drop off some food or a drink, stuff like that.. but adhd issues are getting in a way of a lot of that. We’re still trying to figure it out. These conversations from the perspective of what HE needs tends to come up after a couple of days of rejection from me (in this case because i was overwhelmed after discussing potentially firing my psychiatrist which also involved us discussing some of my trauma-past, week long lapse in meds (out of my control), 4 rounds of vet visits & 4x a day medicating his cranky ole man cat all in less than 2 weeks when i can barely manage 3 short errands a week on a good week.) So it’s hard for me to not feel defensive in the moment, and ultimately we haven’t completely resolved things, and I know he’s feeling underloved atm. It’s just been such a hard time for me over the last 6 months with this new psychiatrist, and I feel like I took 12 steps back, but with a bonus diagnosis at the end.
Long story short, I don’t really have an answer for you. We’ve intellectualized it a lot and have talked about what works for me, why things don’t work work, etc, but we haven’t quite figured out what works BEST, especially to meet both of needs. Honestly my needs are rock bottom atm, i dont even think about it weeks or months unless I’m prompted to. Role playing wouldn’t work, I just can’t do stuff like that. That’s not to say I’m not open and willing to try to new things, I just kinda need.. to get into a more touch-friendly mood first, you know? Hard to get there sometimes when the best way to get there is to accept tough, but sometimes it just makes me squirm in my skin even more. I have been making a lot of effort in being amendable to requests by him, like taking him up when he asks if we can watch a movie in bed for the afternoon, or use a massage gun on my upper/lower back when I’ve had a bad day.. once i get relaxed, I’m pretty open to things, but it takes a lot for me to relax and not feel like I’m crawling in my own skin (I also have RLS and body dysmorphia, so woo multiple layers of discomfort with my own body.) Scheduling times feels very weird to me, and it flairs my PDA up like nothing else. Anyway, next step is to sit down and talk about this again when he NOT looking for intimate time to see where we can potentially build up more of a compromise or understanding of each other and our varying love languages.
My hope is to find some resources to share with him that can help us explore this together because I think we both need help seeing the other persons side, and find more ideas for mutually beneficial actions. I do think the official diagnosis helps him understand the WHY, but I don’t think he really gets it fully. He tries. Unfortunately, this is where his problem-solving personality clashes quite a bit with my mental health struggles, and honestly i don’t want HIM fixing anything expect how we relate and understand eachother.
I’d have dumped you on day one. That’s just me though.
❤
Thank you for this information. I have decided to see someone about my ADHD and possibly have an ADD.
I guess I didn’t understand why autism would have anything to do with sexuality until I watched your video
I’m glad I watched right up to the end because I’ve been having quite a problem with self pleasuring myself. Now I know the term of what it’s called stemming and you are totally spot on of probably why I’m doing it too much.
Thanks again for your information. Looking forward to keeping up with you.
Can I just say: thank you for starting off talking about ridding ourselves of shame when it comes to talking about sex. That's so important. ❤
💓
Growing up in a super-strict, super religious household where any divergence, including neurodivergence, was sinful, these concepts would never be considered when I was a kid. Hence why my first partner was disappointed when I didn't make "pleasure noises" when we were together. I had to explain that those had never been an option before. I was used to having to practice stealth when I had alone time, because God forbid I got caught. I was threatened with having my bedroom door removed from its hinges so I wouldn't have the privacy required for such activities.
Many things started making sense after I found out that I’m an Autistic with ADHD including the things you mentioned on this video. Thank you for this it’s really helpful.
I'm still a virgin at 36 but I do a lot of "self-pleasure" to alleviate tons of stress. I won't delve into why I've been single (over 15 years now) & sex-less for so long, i will say, i want to be in a relationship that's comfortable & genuine & less of a "put-on". Dealt with a lot of BS as a kid, even adults years that messed my headspace up. It's difficult, sometimes.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story here. 💓
Relationship will not fix anything. You will be worse off
@stephonh.5207 Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Virginity is a social construct that has been used to shame and control people in one way or another for millennia. Even if you’ve never explored your sexuality with a partner (which can be more difficult for a lot of we Autistics for a variety of reasons), your thoughts and experiences on the topic are just as valid as the next person’s.
Try being a virgin at 62…guy with BPD and OCD
Try being a virgin at 62…man with BPD and Ocd….a lot of guys just turn to prossies, who can be quite simpathetic and nice…but you are viable to manipulation and ridicule
Thank you. I'm 68, was only diagnosed about 5 years ago, but found that it explained so much about who I am and why I do what I do, etc. This video has just given me another huge chunk of the picture, and much more understanding.
I’m glad it’s helpful to you! Thanks for your comment.
Thank you for this video. Autistic woman here. I have been hyper sexual my whole life however I’ve only had five partners. I’m 41 now I can relate to a lot of the things that you’re saying as far as the harder pressure and using masturbation as a stem. I sought out many answers to why I am so sexually gratified. The more I learn the more I make sense to myself and the more kind I can be to myself.
@@dreamthedream8929 Maybe many people who are her age have had more? We don't know the average for her area.
@@dreamthedream8929most people have more than 5 by 40, yes.
@@dreamthedream8929 5 partners is very little compared to some sufferers from hypersexuality, though confusingly a virgin can suffer from that especially if they're neurodivergeant and can develop trauma responses from events that wouldn't cause the same in an average person.
There's no 'normal' or 'required' number of partners its just required added detail since hypersexuality has implications so has to be talked about precisely.
Hypersexuality is not the same thing as just having a healthy but above average sex drive but you just have to trust the opinion of the person making the claim to as to which is which.
@@dreamthedream8929
Just giving a reply out of courtesy not assuming i'm saying anything you don't know.
The important thing isn't to stereotype personality and other issues to behaviours.
Though being non-judgemental and not sorting people into 'sympathetic' and 'unsympathetic' based on their behavior does also matter a lot.
Autism is a lot about hyper and hypo sensitives, avoiding and seeking stimulation, makes sense that both aceness and hypersexuality are disproportionally common amoungst us.
As an ace myself I still kinda get it giben how strong I seek the sensations and experiences that make me feel good. Its just different things for us, but the principle stays the same
Anyone else feel as if it is not something you want to do but rather it is something you are expected to desire?
Yes, definitely! Sex can be performative and almost follow a script.
After a few relationships figuring out you desired to be 'really seen' and misunderstood the attention for love and thus did anything that was asked without longing for it yourself. Makes finding a new relationship covered in hurdles.
I wanted to respond because this is such an unpopular view and needs more support. You are not alone. I can certainly relate to feeling like everybody just takes for granted that everybody else really wants sex, not just could take it or leave it, but like they always really want it, and that is something that has always been confusing to me because it seems like there are so many other priorities in a relationship. For me personally I can do sex because my husband enjoys it but there's never a moment where it feels like /I/ need this or want this, it isn't fulfilling to me. If given the choice I will always choose something else over sex, even though my husband is great at doing his best to make it good - for me it's just not that interesting or important, arousal can feel kind of annoying and easily becomes too much sensation, and doesn't really make me feel closer to someone or more euphoric or whatever else it seems to do for others. Also the common idea of it being so expected by culture that you /have/ to do this for your partner or you're not lovable or your not loving them can add to the sense that it's a chore to be done, something to be ticked off the to do list. For me, I desire deep connection, but that doesn't happen via sexual acts.
No, I actually do want to. But I think this is a different perspective that makes sense bc amabs are "supposed" to be very sexual and sexually driven.
While I feel like I'm the opposite of what is expected from afabs, not enjoying it, or what I am expected to enjoy from it.
Definitely. It feels expected but I don’t particularly like it. I don’t really enjoy being touched to be honest.
Your bravery in discussing the topic is inspiring - it would give anyone nerves to talk about this. Gives a voice to many who are silently struggling.
Thanks for covering this Taylor! This is so helpful! I’ve had a hard time finding resources on autistic people and sex. I’m specifically interested in learning how to navigate/create sensory accommodations during sex. But also PSA for neurodivergent couples stimming with your partner during sex is very fun!
This is great insight! And ok I’ll keep this suggestion in mind when making more vids :)
The quick expression while reading, "Half of 247 autistic women..." Made me laugh and summed up pretty much every autistic person's thoughts while hearing it. 🤣 It's so nice finding like-minded people that see and experience things the same as yourself. 💜
haha I know as I was reading it I was like 🧐
Is that because you're fighting the urge to say "twentyfour-seven"?
It's because 247 is an odd number. If you take the word "half" as literally as possible, that would be 123.5 people. Obviously the study is not implying that half a person participated, but that's where a lot of autistic minds are going to go first. @argh1989
@@MisterFeline Oh, that actually went all over my head somehow, thanks!
@@MisterFeline It's like averages that end with .something of a person/animal/etc. is impossible. Immediate error bells in my head. Obviously no one is literally using .something, is just how the math works out, but it is basically impossible unless you're a monster.
I stopped having intimate relationships. It's like ruining conversations but with bodies. It was too confusing and painful that I just quit. I experienced long term physical and sexual violence for years growing up, the manipulations of unhealthy people damages that ability to have sexual connections. I just cannot cope with getting things wrong. I also have no ability to visualise what I would even want. Thank you so much for this. I really, really need help with this intellectually ❤
I'm sorry you endured all that pain!! I think a beautiful thing such as masturbation and exploring yourself and really discovering who you are and let your thoughts run free until you find things you enjoy while exploring. Once we find comfort in ourselves we become more comfortable around other people. Never give up and keep healing!!💯👍😎👻🌶
Unrelated to sex specifically, thank you for the phrase "I just cannot cope with getting anything wrong." This is the very heart and soul of the majority of my problems, and this just summarizes it PERFECTLY. Thank You!
@@kateshiningdeer3334 I'm so glad I could help. It's one of my most favorite feelings! Getting something right 😂 although I never thought about the opposite of the feeling until just then, how it feels to get things right. Hmm. Thank you too? 🌟🙏
So many people have experienced sexual trauma and yet we pretend to like nobody has. I hope Taylor talks about sexual trauma and recovery, boundaries and consent, sexual safety, and is trauma-informed in future episodes.
I'm sorry for your sexually violating experience. Somebody (s) stole something from you. I hope you can find ways to value and treasure yourself. Find your worth.
@@kateshiningdeer3334 same for me! I am literally at the point where I am afraid to even open my mouth because I am so so so sick of getting everything wrong. 12:53
I always appreciate the candid way you talk about sensitive topics
Some times when I have had a difficult day I find that I really want a hug but I will hate it if someone else initiates the hug
Demand avoidance too maybe 😅 but yeah that makes sense!
Just 1 thing that might help some people - someone can potentially be quite hypersexual and also asexual. This describes younger me and it was incredibly confusing and hard to navigate and I’ve read many comments of people saying similarly - asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction to others. So you can have a high drive, or even be hypersexual. I was this way and it was difficult because I lacked attraction to others, it feels like you struggle to find an appropriate way to express your feelings that works for you. A big thing that helped me was writing erotica because you can express yourself without having to engage in these experiences. From my understanding a lot of autistics especially women benefit from that route. Also very complicated in relationships as you can imagine :(
Yeah, I can relate. I am not asexual and I have a strong drive, but I have never understood the fixation with just one individual that turns you own. People can long to some women in bikini and I go: What? Am I supposed to be interested just because they are sum bathing? So, if I have a girlfriend, I am not turned on just by her body - that doesn't work that way for me and she might be disappointed that I don't tell her she is hot or similar things. I get turned on by the visual and seeing sexual organs and so on, but that is another thing is not connected to the attraction of a specific person and I don't feel this attraction in a non-sexual context usually. As I say, I wouldn't describe me as asexual, but a bit different in this respect. I am not neither aromantic or demisexual.
One thing that concerns me a bit about the topic is that:
1) A lot of the traditional taboos and rules exist to create safe spaces for vulnerable populations in light of the fact that the amount of emotion tied up in sex makes it really easy to inadvertently or maliciously traumatize others.
2) Autistics are a vulnerable population.
3) PDA and social deficits tend to make us resistant to rules we don't understand, but some taboos, for example, exist mostly to allow people excuses to exit a situation that won't be questioned. As a minority we're vulnerable to being shamed for being different.
4) Neurotypicals tend to be better than us at navigating social situations with no explicit rules, but also at finding and exploiting loopholes in explicit rules. So I'm not sure that the societal trend towards discarding all of the old sexual mores is great for us, but the previous situation had its own set odd problems for us.
When you tackle Autism and Sexuality in the future, could you talk about verbalizing? Strong feelings and/or being fully engaged in an activity can shut down verbalizing completely--to ourselves and others. As children, it's like: "Why do I have the cookie jar? I don't know! How did Mom know I was going to take a cookie before I knew!?" As adults it's like: "Am I in love with you!? I was just being with you," or "Well, it's a Big feeling, like--Too Big." or even, "Can't we just have feelings now and talk later?" Likewise, translating someone else's spoken ideas and feelings into new patterns of behavior is really tough, too. Like: "We can't just run away together!" or "How long will 'being intimate' take?" This can get messy, really fast!
I had quite some problems with my ex too... like when she would say: "I want you"... okay... but how? Cuddles, sex, deep kissing but no sex... to what point? But you're tired right? Help. Internal panic. It was only after we broke up that a friend told me that typically most people mean sex with "I want you", and it cleared many thing up. Have to admit that if my mind says "I want you" (my partner) it means deep intimate hugs, and I can't think about anything else then being in her arms.
This is such an important topic! I think my parents should have known I was autistic as I started stimming with maturbation before age 5. I even did it at school! This was the number one clue for me as an adult that I was autistic. In a religious community there can be a lot of shame about this. I self shamed for years and blamed my inability to stop maturbation as the reason I wet the bed! Lol another autistic check mark. My parents never shamed me, they just told me that God didn't want me to do that. :( I still have a lot of shame surrounding it but with my kids I have tried to be careful with how I talk about it.
So glad you're learning how to reframe your patterns without the shame element, especially for your kids! It's so important.
I did this exact thing. And I shamed myself from my mid teens about it.
Religion just does so much damage...
@@onlysilv I still love my religion. I just don't shame myself or my kids over things we cannot help.
@@KetoChaos thank you for your insightful response.
Thank you, really appreciate this topic as I’ve struggled with many aspects.
So grateful to be here amongst openness, understanding, support & sharing such important information.
This is a rough subject for me. Back when I was young and single, I never had an instance of mutual interest, at least not that I could pick up on. And then later, when I finally had a partner, the combination of pathological demand avoidance and rejection sensitivity would get in the way of getting physical on a regular basis. Now, I feel like I'm too old to worry about it anymore.
Thanks for sharing your perspective on this. It can definitely be complicated. 😮💨
i feel very seen and validated by this video, thank you so much!
You’re very welcome!
I appreciate this video, as I think non-hetero sexuality/other gender identities and neurodivergence intersect quite often. I particularly appreciate that you point out masturbation as something that is not only acceptable, but as something that can be very positive and helpful. It is not for me, but it absolutely is a great way to explore your own body and likes. You reminded me of Doctor Doe with the "be curious" comments, which I liked, because I find that to be a very positive view to take.
One nitpick of the video, though I appreciate the acknowledgement of asexuality in general: you phrase asexuality as an end of a spectrum of one's engagement with or interest in sexual activity, with hypersexuality at the opposite end, though you defined it correctly as a lack of sexual attraction. Hypersexuality would really go with hyposexuality, which is another categorization of sexual interest/sexual behavior. Pansexuality is the more accurate "opposite end" of the spectrum, being sexually attracted to any gender. Neither pansexuality nor asexuality are markers of sexual behavior; I am asexual, but am not averse to sex, for example.
I will say, it is a bit confusing for those sexualities to have -sexual in the name for this reason, as it often leads to this confusion; asexual people having no interest in sex, or bi- or pan- people being naturally promiscuous,. Also, many people don't understand having an interest in sex without having sexual interest in another person, which I get. I just have to bring it up when it is put on a spectrum like that as people often conflate asexuality with celibacy, when they are not the same thing. They may converge often, but are not the same.
Thank you for reading my late night thoughts. I look forward to the next video.
Great comment
Yeah, there is a massiv overlap, we are disproportionally prone to be queer or any flavor.
Well, the one end of the ace spec would be the opposite end of hypersexuality but just saying ace excludes the massiv bulk of variation that still is under the ace umbrella too.
There absolutely is an endpoint of zero sexual attraction, zero desire, zero sexual activity, it just is not the only way to be ace.
I have not been formerly diagnosed, but i have recently been feeling that i may be on the autism spectrum and trying to make sense of what that means for me, and also in terms of my past experiences. I saw your video about stimming and started wondering what type of stims i myself may hsve and one thing to come to mind was that often when i was feeling a lot of stress i would masturbate, the coincidental timing of your video is perfect lol
I had to laugh when you were talking about an aversion to light touch....my husband can attest to this.
I've said over the years either touch like you mean it, or not at all!!!
Haha yes to this!
Totally!
Light touches or slight brushes drive me insane. It's like having a fan on when the room you're in is cold AF. It almost hurts.
I hate unsolicited touches but if you're going to do it, do it like you mean it or not at all.
Really refreshing to here conversation about sex without judgement, stigma or shame.
Thank you for opening up the dialogue!
It is definitely a thing, muddled attitudes about sex, gender, orientation etc. your videos are great and I love watching them!
I have not had a sexual experience with another since unmasking and I can say with certainty that my emotions and sensations have increased dramatically. I'm a virgin as an autistic person and my empath emotions are super strong and not sure if you know but I also share my partners emotions and feelings during sex and it's gonna be amazing!! Also the amount of stimulation I get with so many senses during masturbation and the release of negative energy is so healthy. Everything has to be right and even on occasion you lose that build up and are too exhausted to try again because your mind wandered elsewhere, the struggle is real!!🤭 Thanks Taylor for sharing!!👍😎👻🌶
You're welcome! And thank you for putting your own experiences into words here. I know it will help others!
I am the neurodivergeant in my marriage and this resonates a lot. I only learned about my difference a couple of years ago and I'm in my 40s. I have completely given up on this aspect of my life and regret even trying some days. I wish I had learned about this years ago. Good video!
I am newly diagnosed as autistic, and so now have to educate myself about this disorder. When you mentioned that some of us don't like light touch, I felt validated, and so grateful!
I love that you covered this topic. I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone talk about autism and sensuality before. Looking forward to more on this.
Love that you did this! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I'll be on the lookout for the next video 😊
Thank you.
My least favorite part of being touched inappropriately, besides the act was people telling me it's not a big deal. Not until I went full potentially lethal meltdown did anyone do anything. If someone says stop it means stop.
So many people I've met also don't get being touched is very difficult for me. At best a hug feels like a bad tickle, at worst it's painful. Always have to put my hand wherever I'm touched or it tingles or semi itches.
Odors are worse because my sense of smell and taste are linked. Like a snake's Jacobson Organ.
Absolutely. Stop means stop. No means no. And sometimes touch that feels good to others can feel painful to us.
I broke up with a boyfriend because I smelled his fart and knew I never wanted to smell that stink ever again
@@tracirex that kind of judgements and decisions made after one happening makes it scary to even get close to people and want to be yourself and unmask.... what if youve been together for a little while and you think everythings fine but accidentally fart and then your single.... that feels toxic to me.
I have had to come to terms with the fact that light touch sets all my nerves on edge but firm or deep pressure touch hurts. So no matter what I cringe away and the whole thing becomes a state of self defence. Couple that with the fact that I cannot speak/go mute during sexual encounters and there is just no way to find a middle ground. It’s all irrelevant to me now since I have zero desire after menopause, and it feels like a blessed relief, but I wish I had realised this about myself when I was younger as perhaps I would now not find all my sexual memories traumatic.
Omg…I also have to rub or itch my arm after someone brushes by me. It’s nice living way up North so I almost always can wear long sleeves…so I feel safe from that maddening light touch tickle!
I was blessed to have been high functioning and in mainstream classes with neurotypicals...because I was able to take sex education classes, learn about boundaries/consent, etc.
From what I understood, in some cases..people on the spectrum are not taught those things...and it does them a great disservice.
I'm noticing nowadays that the old saying 'if you've met one autistic person, you've only met one autistic person' is being forgotten.
This video resonated with me so much, it helped me more than you can know, thank you.
Jesus. That sounds intense. Thanks for sharing that.
It's a slow process. I'm in a similar phase right now and it seems like I can't go a week without some world-shifting realization. It's getting exhausting lol, but I know it needs to be done.
It sounds like I have less stuff to unpack than you do but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can get there too. I wish you well on that journey, friend ❤
Bravo 👏! Very brave to mention this aspect of human experience.
Taylor, another beautiful example for us! I REALLY appreciate this, especially how you talk about non-judgmental conversations with ourselves and reminding us that we can just be kind and curious instead. Beautiful. Thank you.
You’re welcome! I’m so glad to hear it is helpful to you. Thank you for your kind comment.
Thank you so much for having this discussion.And I honestly would really like to see some more discussion regarding this in a long format where you can dive deep and dig in.
And?
I honestly can't wait to hear the different definitions for the differentypes because I am unfamiliar with The majority of those types.
But I also get the vibe that I'm probably gonna resonate with many of them.
Thank you Taylor for talking about this issue and helping to destigmatize it. I am on the Autism Spectrum and was super fortunate to have a very sex positive mom who educated me about sex from an early age. Nothing was taboo between us, and I am living my best life because of it.
Sexuality is a major special interest of mine, it's led to a great deal of the unusual shape of my sex life, and learning about autistic sensory differences and adhd attention differences have really helped me understand why I work the way I do. Needing to communicate the ways in which my sensory response is unusual is a lot of why I'm an excellent communicator around sex. Also, so many ND folks in the kink community! The communication clarity that's socially expected there is a wonderful break from the NT expectations of the broader world, and it's a great place to find ways to get the kind of deep and intense sensations that work for me.
Same interest and noticing how the kink community is all about upfront communication about likes and dislike no guessing. There are just so many connections which makes me wonder if alot of ND ppl tend to naturally gravitate to it. Since it's not all about sex sometimes so you can still get other needs met that don't have to involve actual sex.
Thank you so much for this series Taylor! I just got my official diagnosis less than two weeks ago. I'm also a trans woman and definitely hypersexual. The part about the light touch was interesting because I am the exact opposite, in the sense that light touch feels so pleasurable.
Me, too! On hormones, I'm multiorgasmic, especially when my feet are massaged!
I get mad at myself because in the morning I will be like "I'm giving my spouse some good loving tonight! But by the time bedtime comes I'm like so exhausted and overwhelmed 😪. Then I feel like I disappointed my spouse.
Yeah... I understand! it might be helpful to learn more about spoon theory to help manage energy throughout the day!
Consider doing it in the morning
Really refreshing to here conversation about sex without judgement or stigma or shame.
Thank you for opening up the dialogue
Thank you so much for this topic. I was totally unaware that autistic people have a higher chance of not being heterosexual. I've only just discovered I'm autistic and I do consider myself asexual. It's not that I'm 100% without sexual feelings. I really like my alone time to the point where I don't think someone would be happy to be my partner and I don't feel it would be fair to put someone through that. Also I'm clueless when it comes to women, being autistic, being introverted, and having no relationship experience in my 40s. I think someone about my age won't want someone with no relationship experience.
Autistic people are statistically more likely to identify as MOGAI, although many posit we’re just less likely to be closeted than allistics or NTs. Unfortunately, many ableist and homophobic/transphobic people take this greater statistical likelihood to mean that Autistics who identify as MOGAI are just “confused” by our neurotype. It’s a common transphobic talking point, in fact.
Yep. I am just not interested in being with another person all the time.
I wouldn’t assume that limited experience is automatically undesirable. There could be someone else with limited experience who would be SUPER grateful that you aren’t bringing a lot of expectations and performance pressure to the relationship.
Most aces are not compleatly without sexual feelings, we have a lot of variety between those who feel no attraction, desire or arousal and those who very much feel desire, just no attraction.
Some are sex repulsed, sone enjoy mastubation, some can and enjoy sex with their partner, but no more then eating something good and would not bother if it where not for their partner.
The best most healthy and happyerst relationship I know is between an autistic woman with sexual trauma and her adhd wife. Neither identifies as ace but they still pretty much nevet sleep with eachother, cause it is kinda a chore and needs to worth it. Either can mastubate if they feel like it. Especially the autistic wife kust really rarely feel like it. Her wife used to absolutely crave it in het former relationship, cause sex was the only validation and emotional conection she ever got. In this relationship she is happy without it cause both give eachother love and conection in other ways. They text eachother dirty role plays, listen with care to what the ither says, make sure to accomodate the other, plain put effort into the relationship and find out what works for them, what they need and make it work even if it is unconventional.
While some people absolutly cant, way more peoole then you would think could be perfectly happy in a relationship without sex! Sex is in no way as fundamentaly needed for everyone as media likes to to make us believe... If it fits it fits
@@JMA864this!
Excited to see a part 2/series on this!
You should also consider going into things like fetishes. Just like tags in clothes, certain fabrics, textures, etc. can be so unpleasant, other things can be so pleasurable that they might even turn into fetishes. I know both my daughter and I as children loved to rub on the satin edging of blankets, or other satiny items (we both wore holes in such fabrics). This is one reason why I knew my daughter had to also be evaluated in her teens when I was diagnosed at 43 (while preparing for my divorce no less). But for me, I always found that certain other things all but demanded that they be touched, which translated into fetishes as I grew up. That was one of the many things about which I had an "Ah-ha" moment when I was finally diagnosed.
Totally unrelated to sex but I had no idea the satin thing was related to autism! Wow I totally did that as a kid too 😮
Thank you so much. This is really helpful.
Please make more videos on this topic!! I am positive there is more to expand on and understand and personally I am trying so hard to find what I need to have balance and good relationships ..even friendship as 34 yr old autistic female( no children ) realization hit that after I stopped, masking that am having trouble with sexuality,gender identity and self in general.
Please keep up conversations like this. I really hope they continue.
Thank you so much for the work you do ❤
I’ll keep the videos coming!
This is a great topic to discuss well done Taylor for discussing autism and sexuality and what the tramas like for people with autism who struggle with sexuality
I've felt like I'm not like other girls since I was a kid, and now as an adult, I like to think I'm a person with female parts but not a woman. In my 20s I figured out that I was demi/greysexual, and then realized I was bisexual. Then that I was autistic. At every realization, I understood why things have been a bit challenging in the relationship arena. I've basically just given up hope of ever finding someone I could be that close to. The social difficulties part of autism is really in the way, especially because queer people are rare where I live. I guess it leaves more time for other stuff.
There are lots of ways to be a woman. If you are an adult and you're female, you're doing "woman" right. Don't feel the need to succumb to patriarchal stereotypes in order to be able to enjoy yourself. There is great joy in finding how to be comfortable with yourself. Wear what you like. Find what makes you special. Take joy into woman you are right now.
@@katyjean862 My sense of gender has nothing to do with patriarchy. I just don't feel like a woman, never have. I feel uncomfortable being called a woman, but where I live, we don't use gendered pronouns or have any strict rules about how certain genders should behave, so situations where I get called a woman are rare. I'm either genderfluid or somewhat agender, going from feeling like a girl to feeling like a genderless person.
@@Leena79 If you are female and adult, then how it feels to be a woman is how it feels to be you. You are your body. You have a woman's body. How you feel in your body is what a woman's body feels like.
No woman has to project or perform any stereotypes in order to be a woman or feel like a woman. You just are a woman.
@@katyjean862 I see we'll never agree on this matter, so you do you, and I'll continue to do my thing.
@@katyjean862you also could understand that there are a lot of ways for people to perceive their gender and while it's true that you don't have to fulfill stereotypes to be a woman, it's also true that some people don't feel like women despite being assigned female at birth.
It was interesting to me to hear about light touch being such a no amongst the community. For me, light touch is AMAZING, and It think it goes along with the stimming you were talking about at the end. I can do it to myself, running my fingers along my arm for example, or have a partner do it, and it calms me right down. However, if I’m tickled? I will freak out. Very interesting.
Love your content and love that your talking about this issues and always appreciate direct honest brave talking on this subject.
Sexuality is such a loaded topic. So much allistic toxicity revolves around taboos surrounding sex. It’s normal for them to lie, cheat, and manipulate people using their sexual power to get things that have nothing to do with sex.
This always causes me pain and confusion and shame when I’m caught up in it. I’m very direct. If I’m attracted to someone, I’ll often tell them so. This generally gets one of two reactions from the allistic:
Embarrassed withdrawal and ghosting or exploitative manipulation.
Not so with women I suspect are like me (autistic or otherwise herd divergent) They tend to be more straightforward.
I’m 59. I’ve “been with” dozens of women over the years. The ones who became long term partners I now realize were different than the others. Very different. Like me. That doesn’t mean we live together happily ever after though. Since my diagnosis I’ve come to understand that being autistic is at it’s core, about being alone. On my own. Without the general understanding, and social support most people take for granted. That carries over into intimacy as well, especially as I age.
…but judging from what I’ve seen happen to almost all the marriages of my colleagues and peers, I’m better off for it.
Romantic love is beautiful, but it comes and it goes.
Autism is beautiful too - and it’s forever ❤😊
It is interesting to see, how I partially relate and dont relate, I am autistic and I experience being alone a lot, moved for university, failed in university dont have the mony to move back, so I am pretty fare away from my friends and did. Not manage to make new ones here.
I never had an interest in romantic or sexual partners, but I have very intense stable friendships and only the most distant is with another autist. Neither of my two extresmly close friends is autistic and we can still connect to a level many neurotypical friendships do not. Obe of them married an autistic woman who therefor also very much is not alone....
It so depends in the people you encou ter and what you want from life
"stay curious" - such a great phrase. I'm used to hearing it from Sexplanations, and I don't know if that's been an influence for you (it's certainly not the only place I've heard it), and so hearing it from another creator that's also talking about sexuality just brings me joy. Thanks for encouraging curiosity!! 😊
LOL. When she said that, I thought of Sexplanations, too. They should do a collab.
@@GhostIntoTheFog That would be delightful. :)
Relatively recently, one of my therapists has identified that I may be on the spectrum. I am unfamiliar with the term “stem” or “stim”, and this is the first time I’ve seen any of your videos, or any other videos that have featured autism and how to navigate the world as someone who is neurodivergent , I am in the dark about a lot of what you covered, but I think a lot of it resonated with me. Much of what you have mentioned in this video may help me understand more about myself, and my connection with others, and how I relate to women that I am attracted to.
I look forward to the next video!
Thanks for sharing!
Please have an excellent and awesome day! ☀️✨🙏🏻
Stim or stimming referes to self stimmulating behavior, whixh usually is very innocent if not in this video.
Common stims are handflapping, rocking yourself, repeating sounds, lifting yourself up to your toes, chewing your lips, tapping your fingers, playing with hair ir jewlery, .....
Pretty much, mostly repetitive, movements that give you sensory imput to focus on to better deal with other sensory imput as a to noisy enviroment, or better deal with feelings. Pretty mich everyone engages with some stimming, but adhd and autism usually have most stim a lot more then other people and stim in bigger more noticable ways.
Listening to a song on repeat can also be a stim, basically everything where you use sensory input to regulate how you feel. In Adhd stims often are used to occupy yourself to be able to keep giving your attention, there a lack of imput tends to be the problem, with autists usually to much imput is the problem ..... And if you got both, it is both and an extreamly delicate balance to keep trying to accomodate both
@@SingingSealRiana Thank you very much for clarifying this terminology!
Please have an excellent and awesome day!
I really needed this today, thank you for this video! Really appreciated starting with a deep breath :)
Neuroqueer is the best concept and label, I think, for those (like me) whose gender/sexuality is hughly complex and variable because of ND.
I kinda relate
Eye opening and super helpful. Thank you!
My bf and I feel are on the spectrum. I also think he has ADHD as his symptoms match mine. Our main issue is when his brain isn't working he falls a sleep which means when we try to have sex he falls asleep. He also doesn't like exercise and his arms are really weak which means he can't hold himself up. So I've tried doing everything but he falls asleep. I'm so sad. I've asked him to get some help because the lack of touch is starting to get to me. I just don't know how to help him anymore.
I've been waiting to be able to take the Autism and Adhd tests, I definitely suspect I am but I don't wanna say for sure. I've always been curious, but also always feeling different from others for many reasons. I identify as Genderfluid, Asexual & Omnisexual (more Asexual) and I can definitely say my feelings fluctuate due to moods and things, so it depends. I always find your videos helpful, even if I find out I'm not on the Autism Spectrum or have Adhd it's nice to know I can relate to people who have similar issues. Also I have had traumatic experiences with emotional and physical so that might be a part of it. Also I have moments when I get very uncomfortable thinking about physical intimacy with others, so it makes things difficult. I haven't been in relationships before so thinking of those types of things makes me uncomfy (I'm 20 going to be 21 this year just for context).
i’m not diagnosed but thanks to this i was able to talk to my partner about my discomfort in this area, thank you
I'm demisexual. I can be romantically attracted to someone and have a crush on them, but I won't be even thinking about sex stuff (a lot of times not even kissing) until I have an emotional connection with them. I never understood how other people could want a one-night stand or just see a person and think they want to have sex with that person. It doesn't make sense to me. However, this does have its benefits. I'm a member of the LDS Church. I want to wait until marriage. Being demi will probably be very helpful in that aspect. I also have a very personality-based type rather than liking someone for their looks. Looks are a bonus. Personality is important.
Yes! We will be covering demisexuality in the next video. Thanks for sharing your experience with it.
I am demisexual as well and you just put it perfectly into words! I used to naively think everyone was like that.
Please in your videos explain the difference between demisexual and semidemisexual. I think that there may be some confusion here.
Thank you for putting words into my experience, it is so important to hear all I feel being voiced out like this - it enables me to accept myself a lot better!
Give yourself full expression honey
Really interesting, thanks! Having identified as neurotypical and heterosexual for most of my adult life (or rather just assumed I was), I have ended up changing my mind on both in the last year or so. I hadn't even heard the term demisexual before my daughter suggested it might fit and I was dubious for a while, but that's me. Some other things you mentioned fit too...
Thanks so much for this, it explains a lot for me too. Looking forward to seeing the rest of the series 😊
Thank you so much for covering this topic so well ❤
Great video! Thank you!
You’re welcome! Thanks for watching.
I think it's amazing that you talk about this! I felt like this was very helpful. Thanks for sharing
Great video Taylor!! Thank you so much!!
Glad it was helpful!
This was a very informative and very good video addressing sexuality in the neurodivergence world. I'm not autistic (I study psychology that's how I got here) but even I can say sexual encounters with someone else can be a very overwhelming experience. Thank you so much for making videos about this topics that are necessary 😊
Hi, I think this is a great topic to discuss & a great starting off point. Can you consider covering abuse, boundaries and manipulation in this area. Perhaps exploring how alexithymia affects our experience as individuals on the spectrum. Like, for example, How to speak up if someone wants to do something you are not comfortable with. Unfortunately I think many on the spectrum struggle in this area. How to have a healthy experience for individuals with Ptsd. This can be a touchy subject, so please just take this as a suggestion that I think could be helpful to some individuals.
I’d also like Taylor to speak to that. Considering Autistic children across the country are funneled into abusive compliance training (ABA), where they’re taught they’re not allowed to set boundaries or say no, it’s a particularly important discussion to have.
Where i find myself feeling shame is each new thing about myself differs from the norm. I have adhd (was the first, asexual aromatic sex repulsed (as the second), too being trans (third), and now both a chronic illness and probably being autistic (having a hard time accepting that i am despite al evidence pointing towards yes). Each new thing, makes it harder for me to accept. While i don't look at other people that way, for myself i can't help feeling like there is more and more wrong with me
Hi Tay, thanks for this video. I have identified myself agender since kindergarten, because gender is just a social construct. About sexuality, I think I'm aromantic (because I can't manage the stress of being constantly with another human being), and asexual. Sexuality talks cause me distress and I'm very ashamed of it. But I think I really need a sexual education, because I don't want to think it's an evil act anymore.
There can definitely be a lot of stress in constantly being with another human. Totally get that!
I watched insects and animals doing the business to convince my mind that sex is not evil
Are you anywhere near Austin TX? I have a fantastic sex therapist I could introduce you to. And it's not strict methodology, just casual talk therapy, so it's very relaxed and groovy.
@@inspectre27 Europe.
Did UA-cam censor my comment?
Scarlet
Plus teen
But only one t
They're a great resource
(Sorry if it was manually deleted)
My bf is autistic/adhd and I am on a waitlist for an assessment. I've discovered that he has a very low sex drive and doesn't even like kissing or making out that much and it has made me feel very depressed about our relationship because physical touch, kissing, making out and sex are all super important to me and I feel like i want to do that all the time with him but he isn't interested and it makes me feel unwanted even though I know he loves me I can't help feeling rejected. He mentioned feelings of numbness and disconnection. Do you have any advice?
@emharper Just something to wonder about...would he happen to be diabetic or have any diabetic traits because Diabetes can cause a low sex drive as well, because of blood flow.
Fortunately, I don't have to grapple with concerns about my sexuality since, by general consensus, I'm considered quite unappealing. My mother has even attempted to set up a marriage for me, but the photos she circulated garnered a less-than-positive reaction. I've grown accustomed to it, though. As time passes, I find myself becoming increasingly invisible. No one has desired me thus far, and it seems unlikely that they ever will. But that's okay, I've come to accept it.
I can relate…I’ve had to come to love myself, since in society’s terms, I’m boring and unattractive. I got so used to it over the decades, that on the rare occasion that I am flirted with, I shut down.
@TheMusicalElitist I’m sorry you’ve had these terrible experiences and internalized a negative self image. You are a human being who is worthy of love. Even if you aren’t able to find a partner who recognizes that, it’s still true.
@StilliRise314 The heck with society.
@GhostIntoTheFog stop lying to people to make yourself feel good. Some people are not worthy of love. This is why so many men, especially back in the day, did not get to produce and died virgins. Just like op, accepting your fate as undesirable is the first step of being content with life.
Cheers to op cause I feel ya, and all I got to say people ain't worth it, just enjoy life and try to find good purpose in life.
What is this "well rested" you speak of?
Haha I know right 😅
I am an autistic 17 year-old.
One of the issues I have around sensuality is that I want to know what set feels like but I have never even had a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything (the only reason I kissed anyone other than my famiy was because she found out I was almost 17 and had never kissed anyone and wanted to show me what it was like) and I want to know the person and trust them but I don't know how to form a relationship with anyone like that
Great explanation of a very underrated topic that can prevent a lot of misunderstanding among partners.
Hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, my adult life could have been spared a lot of confusion, hurt, and self loathing if someone had told me thirty-odd years ago that asexuality is real and valid.
I hated being touched by anyone for any reason as long as I can remember. Part of it might be that a babysitter was highly inappropriate with me whenever I was under her care when I was a little boy, but as I've started exploring whether or not I'm on the Spectrum or might fall more in line with some other diagnosis, I've come to see that there's a good chance I always hated physical contact. I literally get nauseated when someone is touching me. It feels like tiny needles where they're touching too.
The hard part is, I've always had a very strong sexual appetite as well. I cannot recall a time when I didn't find girls/women attractive. When I hit my teens, I dated a few girls (in the "sort of" way that kids "date" before they can drive or be without parents somewhere nearby), then had my first real girlfriend at 15, and we became sexually active soon after. I would LOVE the experience of being close with her and giving her pleasure, but when it was over for both of us, I would quietly throw up in the bathroom. It was so confusing to love being that sensual, yet that overtly anti-touch as well.
By my 20s, I had resigned myself to the idea that nausea and sexual desire would be my experience for life... but when I was 27, I met a woman, and when we kissed for the first time, there was ZERO nausea, ZERO needles. It was like this moment when Dorothy goes from black and white to full color. It was so shocking, and the first few months of falling in love with her (which was also notable because I literally never before believed that I could feel love) were SO outside my nearly 30yrs of experience that I actually had a complete mental breakdown and basically disappeared. She didn't take it personally, and kept expressing support, and even accidentally talked me down from ending things via a perfectly timed and perfectly expressed voicemail, so we've been together ever since - and I just turned 46, to give you an idea how much things changed thanks to her loving me and letting me be me. Our sex life is magnificent, and that still makes me marvel every day, because I still can't stand touch from anyone - other than her. Sounds dumb and "Hollywood make-believe," but that's how it is.
I'm very pleasantly surprised (no pun intended) to hear that masturbation is a common go-to for people on the Spectrum. I have no problem saying that it's probably my number one stress relief technique, the only problem is it usually takes a LONG time because I'm blessed/cursed with freakishly long stamina, so I really only have time to do it about as often as our actual sex life's encounters. Is this common for other Autistic people?
Anyway, I could say so much more, but I suspect people are already thinking "TMI, homie." I just want to say thank you for starting this series. I've long struggled with what to think about how libidinous I am, while also hating contact of any kind from anyone by my wife. I even thought my sexual appetite might inherently mean I wasn't Autistic after all, so it's already been educational to know that's not the case at all.
Note: I am not diagnosed autistic, but I do have a lot of the symptoms. Also, autism was suspected when I was a child by a therapist, but it didn’t get tested unfortunately. So please take my self diagnosis with a grain of salt.
You are likely not the only one who feels that way. I feel very similar about sexuality. Though I never had a relationship yet, due to low self confidence and self isolation (I’m 27 years old).
- I tend to masturbate a lot more when stressed, which also takes a lot of time due to my stamina. I don’t think this high stamina is a blessing though.
- I also hate being touched, though somehow I know that I want one person in my life who would. I would only like it if I find the person attractive. If someone touches me and I don’t feel attracted to that person, I’m actually getting angry and have to control myself.
- Still, I might be hypersexual, to a degree where I think a lot about it. Though I it does vary a lot. There are times where I don’t think much about sexuality, and sometimes It increases by a lot.
So helpful being autistic and still a virigin! It's hard to find a woman to lose my virginity to. mainly because I'm so shy around them. Lately I've been dying to have sex, to finally engage with the opposite gender, not just for stress release, but also for a deep connection. dating apps suck in my personal experience, so no hope there.
no shame in virginity!
being 30 and a virigin doesn't embarrass me anymore. I want to find the person who understands me 100% so I can be in a comfortable place for sex.@@MomontheSpectrum
Get Red pilled and learn Pick Up.
I gotta find the person who understands me so I can be comfortable with them. so I am not embarrassed or shamed to be a virgin in my 30s.@@MomontheSpectrum
What does it mean to learn pick up? @nikleiser5888
This was an important and helpful topic for me. Thank you!
Terrific topic. No matter how we experience sex. It’s all for that lovely dopamine release.
The dopamine release is real 😊
Oh, yes. That release of endorphins is a benefit that can’t be understated.
If you're the caregiver to small children, you may also be "touched out." Small children constantly touch, tap, hang on, etc. If you work with the kids all day, the last thing you want is MORE touching, especially unsolicited.
FYI - you seem like a pretty awesome human. As a therapist, your channel has been a good resource for me.
30%. Wow. I thought I'd keep my sexuality to myself because I thought folks would think I was just making things up. Like autism wasn't enough. I thought folks would think, "So you are autistic, lesbian AND asexual?! Oh, come on!"
Thanks for sharing.
sis female here--I've only experience sex with males and it never really did it for me. I always thought that I was gay. in the last few years, I've started to consider that I'm asexual. and in really reviewing the experiences I've had, I remember MULTIPLE times thinking, "this is the cost I pay to get to snuggle time." yes, in retrospect, that's not super healthy. but it's really hard to understand everything at the time. and as someone who is potentially autistic (waiting on the official diagnosis, but the self evaluations say > 80% chance, yes), I really struggle with understanding what the heck I'm feeling on a Tuesday, let alone when I'm in a really intense experience. personally, I always found that I could GIVE pleasure or I could RECEIVE pleasure, but if they were both happening at the same time, I could only focus on one or the other. it's hard to find someone to talk openly about sex without it being a clinical diagram that could be in a medical textbook or something that is scuzzy and salacious that belongs on an XXX site. THANK YOU for this honest, non-icky conversation.
Missus is AuDHD and finds it helps a lot in getting to sleep quickly, myself, I weirdly don't get tired from it.
A combination of abuse by a friend’s stepfather when I was about 5, being shamed by parents for having desire, having had numerous operations in my groin area and being on the autism spectrum have made sex very difficult to navigate.
Autism made my sexuality make so much more sense. In a way, I was masking when I first talked about having crushes on boys in 4th grade. I don't think I understood what I was meant to feel when I liked someone, so I would make a logical choice (ie he is cute and is in advanced math too so I should have a crush on him). I had my first real crush on a girl my senior year of highschool and it was wayyyy different. There's also the way I acted around my male crushes but that's embarrassing so I'm just not gonna dwell on it. Now I'm 22 and haven't had sex, but I've been in two relationships with girls and it has been great (while they lasted anyway). Alexithymia makes me understand why my sexuality journey happened the way it has. I hope I find my person someday
This really explains my preference twards bdsm D/s and having a narrow band of type of sensations i like and don't like. Ugh. 53yrs old before I've come to this information.
If you look into some cross-reference stuff, look into Starseeds, indigo, crystal, and rainbow children please!!!! I believe we are very spiritual beings having grown up in a very controlling dysfunctional judgemental society.
The different frequency we operate on is a closer connection to God/source, and trying to conform to outdated beliefs is why we've jad so much trouble being narcissist magnets. We're here to break cycles! Thank you SO much for sharing!!!!!
I've got so many thoughts about this topic but I've never been able to talk about it, even with my wife of 20 years (separated for a year now after getting diagnosed 18months ago at 59)