Bellesa Scam: Be careful with the "free" toys! They may try to switch your "gift" out with a different feal and you will be screwed, they do not take back toys, even if all packaging is intact and unopened. I used paypal and it was paid for before i could see what the final bill would be, so i didnt know that i was not getting the free giveaway. If you call the second it goes out they say they can't help until the item is received. However, the second that You can't get anything back the second it leaves the warehouse! It takes forever to get a hold of customer service, days in fact, and if you do, its completely unhelpful. My "free" give away cost $200. BE CAREFUL.
Agreed, as someone with ADHD and CPTSD. Telling myself I'm going to/I have to have a good day makes me feel like I'm trapped. As soon as anything bad or inconvenient happens I spiral because I'm not only bothered by the thing that happened, but by feeling like I'm failing at having a good day.
@@maggiedk Yeah, same here! I realized recently that I can’t really set myself up for a good day, I can mostly just do the morning things that make me happy (coffee, yoga, yummy breakfast ) but that doesn’t do everything. It’s helped to understand that it’s OK to not have a good day sometimes and it’s not a reflection of me!!
Interesting :) opposite for me (ADHD), if I don't start the day planning to have a good day and be productive I will spiral and accomplish nothing lol. Reminding myself that even if something happens I can still make it a good day keeps me from spiraling.
It’s not a surprise considering she married late (according to the standards of her community). And you could see in her content before how she was all about “preparing for your future husband”.
This is exactly why I did not get married when I was in the culture. I knew I only liked this boy as a friend and that it isn't the right way to fulfill the dream of being married (aka having someone take care of finances and take care of my housing and insurance needs lol). I dumped him, became a pagan, and got therapy. Way better decision XD
@@idkwuzgoinon There was a rumor that Dav (Bethy's husband) was gay and went through conversion therapy, but they have openly stated that's not true. I'm not a Girl Defined fan, but I don't think we should be spreading rumors either.
Another great example of that was Ben Shapiro saying that if a vagina is wet, there's something medically wrong....and his wife, the doctor, assured him of that. 😂 I bet she did, buddy. I bet she did. lmao When you demonize sex and you are taught from birth that sex is for procreation only and that, if you are a woman, you are allowed not a single moment of sexual pleasure or sexual thought, of course you are going to live your life unsatisfied until you work through unpacking all of that. And I do not see Bethy EVER unpacking these things and trying to deconstruct. I believe Morgan probably will at some point. But Bethy and Kristin? I don't think so. And I think their personal dissatisfaction is a big part of why they are ALL so damn obsessed with what everyone else is doing with their bodies. It's sour grapes, especially for the women in these communities and the people who are hiding their true sexuality because of their religious teachings. They feel like they are living their restrictive beliefs and it's not "fair" that the rest of us aren't doing the same thing.
I agree with you. We have no right to speculate on other people sexuality, and honestly in this type of extreme religious setting can be dangerous and distructive (even more than it already is in this shitty homofobic world). I know that they spread a lot of harmful bullshit and hate around the LGBTQAI+ community, and it can be VERY tempting to call them out, but I don’t believe that make someone unsafe is ever a good move.
I had a youth leader who (while still advocating for waiting until marriage) said that she had an identity crisis after her wedding night and had a major breakdown that morning on the way to their honeymoon. She had a new name, a new family, and on top of that, she was no longer a virgin, this thing that had defined her for her entire life.
There was a famous 19th century art critic who never consummated his marriage, it lasted for 6 years I think until his wife got it annulled! Though a reason was never given, his biographer thinks that the only naked females he ever saw (pre wedding) were classical sculptures-and guess what they never have - yep he didn’t know that women have hair in places besides their heads and this so scarred him he couldn’t touch her. The ultimate, and quite Victorian, example of what going into a marriage with no sex ed can do
That experience is so weird to me and I'm glad I was privileged enough to not be inserted in that type of culture, I literally felt nothing different after I lost my virginity, I was the same exact person with a new experience, it must have been so hard to deal with essentially losing your value in the eyes of others.
@@bluester7177 Right?? People in my life (Christian AND not) kept telling me I'd feel like a whole new person and I was like ... nope. Just me with a new thing in my life
I love the idea that as a single woman I mark Valentine’s Day on my calendar with a big black frowny face and spend it curled up sobbing as I binge watch romance movies while wailing “Oh God why, why, why”. When people feel ‘sorry’ for me being single and ‘childless’ I tell them my favourite joke: what do people with kids and people without kids have in common? They feel sorry for each other. I promise you there is no comeback to that.
@@qwandary no one ever does. That propaganda. Feminists support whatever it is you want to do, but Christianity doesn't lend the same grace to women who don't want kids or marriage
I love how conservative Christian influencers think they’re being so cool & edgy & groundbreaking by talking about sex when Tammy Faye was promoting vibrators on PTL in the 80s
I feel this, but it must be very difficult to walk away from the amount of shame that they grew up in. In some way I feel empathy, the BIG problem is that they perpetuate that harm in a really public and large setting. I don’t know if they realize the kind of Cognitive Dissonance they display
It seems like they’re trying to be more “open” in some ways, but it’s kinda worse. They can’t admit any wrong. I would be ok if they were sharing their PERSONAL journey, the problem is that they spread this shit as “THE ONLY WAY FOR EVERYBODY (to not be a satanic mess)”
@@katherinec4360 I adore her. I know she was complicit in defrauding vulnerable people, but she was vulnerable herself & she ultimately used her platform for good unlike other televangelists. I mean she interviewed an openly gay AIDS patient in the mid-80s & showed him so much love & compassion when even mainstream television networks were reluctant to humanise people with HIV or AIDS, especially queer people. & promoting sex toys on a Christian TV network? Iconic.
It’s so interesting, growing up non-religious and with frank, open and age appropriate conversations around sex I actually waited longer than most of my peers to have sex. I felt comfortable saying no and taking care of myself. As an adult I have a really healthy relationship with sex, despite the SA I did experience in my youth. It’s amazing how being open about it actually helps you
I made a comment on transformed wife's page once about the need for comprehensive sex Ed. I don't remember how the one dude worded it exactly, but the idea was basically that the more women know about sex, the more they want to sleep around. 🤷♂️
It’s so weird how Beth said that she would find “mentors” to talk about sex-related topics but doesn’t even mention talking about it with her partner, the person she is going to have sex with.
I can’t explain the joy it brings me to see a woman openly and confidently discussing her toys. People who are AFAB are often raised to feel ashamed of exploring their own bodies, I love seeing us break away from that!!
hell yeah i been trying to normalize it by talking about it to my friends. theyre always weirded out at first but eventually get used to it. (and i only do this with my closest friends who ik wont mind it btw i dont just go around to people saying this lol) and ive gotten to the point where one of my male friends and i often talk about whatever toy we just bought. i actually got him into buying toys for himself and he had never used lube before. i like that just talking about it can help other people branch out and try new things.
@@arandomcatheehee yeah mine too - in fact when I separated from my first husband, my mom gave me a vibrator. She said “this is healthy” and “sex with one is better than none” 😂
The problem with this culture is that it teaches that sex is required of a woman, no matter what’s going on, or how she feels. What I can tell you , from being a fundie wife, is that obligation will dry up anyone’s bonds. Edit to add that it’s sad that young women are discouraged from having their own work, hobbies, and passions. Valentine’s Day might not even cross your mind, if you’re doing something you love.
It's so damaging, especially if there is pressure and coercion involved. Whether it's conscious or not, her body will register sex she doesn't want as rape. She will not feel safe with him and her body will no longer respond to him the same way. So many think they've lost their desire or that it's normal, but if they find a respectful partner they learn that they do have a normal sex drive, it was just shut off to an unsafe person. No matter how much you love something, turning it into an obligation or weapon will destroy that love and replace it with disgust and resentment. If you love chocolate cake, you will be physically ill at the smell of it if someone guilts you into choking it down constantly when you're already full or not feeling well. It makes me sick to know that so many think this is normal. It's not, and it will not only destroy a woman's attraction and trust, but can permanently damage her ability to feel as safe and fulfilled as she should.
Yes. Unfortunately, I didn't think Bethy was encouraging wives to get themselves in the mood JUST for their sake, to enjoy sex, but because husbands are owed sex, and they shouldn't have to try to get you in the mood, you owe it to them to be in the mood when they want sex.
@@Nosfermarki Sooo accurate. I was in an abusive relationship for 3.5y and although I have a very high libido usually, I absolutely dreaded sex with my abusive partner by the end and hardly ever orgasmed during it. (Happy to report that libido rebounded once I was single again, and am now very fulfilled in every way by an incredibly loving, giving, healthy, compassionate partner who totally respects my off days or triggered moments)
As a former fundie, this mentality is why I have a very sex positive household and make sure my daughter knows sex is not bad, before or after marriage, it’s natural, and while I want to make sure she is protected when she decides the time is right for her to start exploring, I don’t expect her to wait for Mr., Mrs., or Mx. right to come along and marry her before she does start figuring things out.
The "you can't just give your husband dry bones and expect him to resurrect them" thing frustrates me so much bc from that you could go, "it's important to not force yourself if you're not feeling up for it, there are some nights where it's just not gonna happen and that's ok" and instead she turns it into "so that's why YOU have to do all the work to get into the mood and get yourself off even when you're not into it!" like dude...
its giving "lie back and think of England". men "need" sex and its your "wifely duty" to "give" it to him. your husband wouldnt have cheated on you if you had sex with him more theres a blatant disregard and neglect for the needs and desire of women and a lack of accountability or standards for the male partner. its as if to say that marriage or partnership is ABOUT the female partner making the male partner happy. Like thats your responsibility as the female partner to make the male partner satisfied with your relationship but reciprocity isnt something you should expect from male partners. As if simply gaining the validation from the male by his willingness to "make an honest woman out of you" (being in a relationship with you) is and should you be enough to sustain your relationship satisfaction. even though men are generally more satisfied with the relationship anyway (if the amount of bitter divorced men online and historically sexist gender role expectations within relationships are anything to go by)
The cool girl monologue from gone girl mentions “presenting your mouth for fucking” and Bethy and co make me think of that lol ew how tf do we have grown ass women on the internet telling girls they need to present their vaginas for fucking in 2023 I can’t
I have a feeling she has never been into it. It's almost like checking sexual compatibility before shackling yourself to a person forever might be important. But what do I know? I'm just a sinful harlot.
I mean I'm not gonna lie as a queer woman and a top I feel like a lot of women do kind of feel like sex is an activity where they just lie there and do nothing and then their partner does everything and makes it a great experience for them and then they wonder why they're disappointed, like I agree that not having sex you're not up for is an important thing that we should be telling everyone but equally I feel like you do need to put some effort into sex if you want it to be good, learn what you like and how to direct your partner to what you like, learn what your partner likes, find ways you can compromise so both of you are enjoying yourself and it's not just one person's fantasy dominating every time, and most importantly so that you can be an active participant and not just a passive receiver, that kind of thing. Also, performance anxiety can be a real thing and it sometimes can help to get yourself in the mood before you have sex so that you're not feeling as nervous about it and you're ready to seek out your own pleasure.
Tell me when female sexual satisfaction was ever a concern for that set? When was it discussed? When was it mentioned as a thing to do, let alone a priority? Enjoying sex us fir degraded, unworthy women, wives are just so grateful to be there to serve their men.
I'm all for making fun of Girl Defined content, but making fun of someone's mental health and saying it was probably due to their bad sex life seems a little extra cruel/unnecessary. He could be in the midst of becoming less religious, he could be depressed since a young age, he could be dealing with past/present trauma, and his depression may or may not contribute to the quality of their sex life. Lots of men deal with depression and I don't think it's a helpful take to jump to it. Particularly as a lot of men when they have depression can really struggle with their sense of identity when depression impacts their sex lives (given patriarchal norms around sex). (I 100% realize this was just a quick joke and nothing serious, I'm just expanding for anyone who may feel hurt by your comment. My male partner has depression and at various points due to meds or the depression itself certain or all forms of sex can be off the table. We have built a satisfying sex life and intimate connection despite this challenge!)
I’m honestly thinking that for people like the Girls Defined, the Pauls & Morgan, the Classicallys Abby, etc, the reason they make this content is because they think they “get to” now. *They* played by the purity culture rules, and now *they* get to wear the lingerie, do the sex, and even broadcast it to the world. They did it right! (Side note: I do think Bethy in particular does not make the connection that her audience is teenage girls. I think she genuinely believes her audience is *her* age & dealing with the same things she is… and she’s in her *mid 30s* mind you)
Kinda goes hand in hand with repression culture though. Fundies want emotional stunting so no matter how old these influencers get, they're going to keep "discovering" things other people who are not Fundies discovered a long time ago, or they're going to be in a state of arrested development emotionally because they've purposefully been brought up to think essentially like teenagers with no growth afterward.
This tracks with some sermons I heard from friends of mine who'd get on stage and *brag* that they get to talk about Sex because they waited (I'll admit that I revisited sites and social media from my old church to keep tabs on how my old friends are now doing...but that was a couple years ago). Also, as someone in their early 30s, who left Fundamentalism years ago, dated, has been with her now-spouse for almost 7 years (been married for 6 months), Bethy's newly discovered energy about Sex just screams I'm-a-teenager-and-just-discovered-my-sexuality. Ever see an older dog just being Done with an excited puppy nipping at them? Yeah, I feel the same with Bethy...
@@Resilient_Sage88 What a depressingly insightful comment. But I'd feel still sorrier for many of them if they weren't also complicit in perpetuating the oppression
@@Resilient_Sage88 THIS! They’re also in such insular bubbles, that they don’t grasp just how big the world actually is (despite ironically having hundreds of thousands of followers). So when they have ANY human experience for the first time, they think they’ve cracked a code and discovered something so profoundly new, with *zero* awareness that it’s so much a part of life, and literally millions of people have already experienced it, and much earlier in life than they did
One of the worse mental health events I had was after I first had sex. I was 21 and had been raised fundamentalist Assemblies of God. My whole value as a person had been tied to being a virgin by my family my whole life (including 3 different purity vow ceremonies). On Mother's day the pastor would call up by name every girl who had "become women" (started getting their periods, I was 12 and still liked playing pretend) up to be given these gold tone rose pins and book marks for our bibles while the church members prayed over us with oil as "the future mothers of the church" after watching a similar thing was done for the mothers and grandmothers. We were taught that "love isn't an emotion, it's a choice that you make every day." and that set me for an abusive relationship.
@@annaalessandrini9965 My partner has helped me come a long way since then. Leaving fundamentalism was one of the most important things in my mental health
Omg that is horrifying. I was 9 when I started I would have died in front of church no child should be subjected to that. No one should be subjected to that.
I still believe love is a choice and it’s healthier to choose your partner every day than rely on fleeting emotions like how happy or “in love” you are. Obviously abuse doesn’t play into this and if you’re in a permanent state of fear, doubt and general dissatisfaction then leaving is the best choice, even within the I choose you framework of mind you will always have that choice whether to leave or not, instead of being caught up in the love you may feel for this person, you don’t feel obligated to stay because of the love but rather the continuous choices made every day to establish connection and love.
I always go out and have a movie night with my fellow aro/ace bestie (and any single friends who want to join in that year) and we eat dinner and have a good time on valentines. We call it "the single pringle mingle" because we always gotta have chips for it instead of chocolate. you can make your own traditions and meaning for any day at any time imo, and they can be just as important as the idea of romantic love holiday.
Sex in marriage still feels shameful and dirty and wrong in my head - I never have sex without hiding to cry and cuss myself out (such as “whore”) before I go back to bed. THAK YOU for helping others get past or not get to this point. Cognitive dissonance is hell. ✌🏼
I don't know if this would work for you, but finding people like myself in various aspects made it harder to hate myself on those bases. Like... plenty of "whores" are great and happy people. I hope this thought process can help. Disarming negative self talk helps - And if you just don't want to have sex, that's a fully legit path. Sex should be fun
I get it. My mother in law knew we had sex before marriage and she brought it up FOR YEARS after we were married. EVEN THOUGH my husband had lost a pregnancy with someone before we got together. EVEN THOUGH I lost my virginity to him. I was the nasty slut. I hate that women. I hate she is in my head when I have sex. I still feel guilty and we have been married 17 years. BUT I'm trying new things. I'm trying really hard to talk to my husband about things I enjoy. I'm trying to enjoy my own life without her in it.
@@jonipitcher7185 💜! Thank you, and I know we’re stronger than we think we are. I’m wishing better things for you, I admire your courage and tenacity. ✌🏼
I’ve noticed that viewing Valentine’s Day as a painful reminder of your failure to find love is most common with straight women that I’ve talked to. I think it says a lot about how our society still equates a woman’s value with being in a relationship with a man. If you aren’t, then there must be something wrong with you. Straight men and queer people might be lonely, but it doesn’t seem like we have the same pressure. People still see us as complete even if we aren’t in relationships.
i think its connected to misogyny and sexism. Under patriarchy, women must always be subordinate to and validated by some man to maintain her social relevance. Whether that male is her father, male partner, male relative, etc. The only women that have value are those who submit themselves to the "leadership and guidance" of men and those who dont are immoral and worthless because they refuse to value male validation and submit to men unquestioningly and without hesitation. Because she refuses to submit to the gendered subordination set by patriarchy. Its the Madonna-whore complex. if you dont maintain the subordinate position to men as youre expected to, then youre a worthless whore. If you do, then youre the madonna who is respectable and has value and are worth protecting, up to a point. The kicker is that neither the madonna or the whore are well liked or respected by the society theyre are subjected to and constantly remain vulnerable and never truly respected. the madonna only buys you time before your vulnerability is revealed and the opportunity to climb the ranks of the power structure of patriarchy, but you never get too close as to create a matriarchy. i think its like how men treat women differently when a man is with her. They respect a woman or stop trying to get her attention when a man comes into the picture because she already has a man to submit to and is no longer "fair game" to try to subjugate himself. He's acknowledging the presence of another man (shes someone's mother, sister, grandmother, etc). It would be a trespassing on another man's "property" to try to get her attention and thats not very bro-code to do.
I disagree with the part about queer people. Maybe you mean queer men? People who were raised as women and later realize they’re queer were still raised as women and still have that experience internalized, and those who outwardly present femininely and are viewed as a woman by others still experience that heteronormative need for a man being pushed onto them. It doesn’t just go away when they realize they like other women or a more diverse range of people. If you’ve ever talked to a lesbian about their experiences, you would know that the need ingrained by the society they grew up in to be loved by a man is still there in many lesbians and other queer people raised as women, and even in some queer women who weren’t raised as women!
Former Christian here. The churches I went to weren’t fundie, but still. It is pounded into girls minds from childhood on that your place in the world is to be a support system for men, and that includes your role in sex. You are taught to believe that life is inherently harder for men, so you are supposed to be meek and supportive. Never critical, never harsh. So, you definitely don’t tell them that they aren’t pleasing you sexually, not that they would care.
I grew up in a fundamentalist house hold. I was 20 when I lost my 'virginity' (lost in long time ago but that "didn't count" because I was sa'ed) I had literally no idea what an orgasm was. I assumed that I was there as an object for my ex to use. When I first had one I was very very confused and upset that I had done something wrong. This type of bs these girls spout is hurting people and I'm so happy there's someone like you who's willing to talk about it without flinching.
Im 24 finna be 25. Lmao bruuh im athiest but it gonna be while before i lose mine, im not in rush at same. Makin due with toys, but purity culture is a b, i wint raise my kids in tht mess either. And im bisexual so im so happy i didnt get married to man long time ago. Would have been horrible
I'm so sorry that a sexual climax was such an alien idea/ feeling that it made you feel like you did something wrong! I had a weird opposing experience where I had been... self-exploring, let's say, for so long, that I had had orgasms *well* before I knew what the word was, or even the term "masturbation." (Though i sure knew that it upset the shit out of my mom when she "caught" me - was never told "don't do that" in so many words but, yeah). So, it *felt* natural, but the lack of vocabulary left me feeling really weird about it! When I finally learned the terms, it was like a ray of light straight into my brain! It's so important to just *talk* about these things.
I've always wondered to what degree my disgust with sex is due to 16 years of Catholic purity culture. I was in 4th grade wearing 3 camis at a time with my school polo because I was so scared of boys making comments about my developing chest. When I left the church, I figured that fear stemmed from purity culture. But now I'm nearing 30 and I'm still having issues figuring out the completely muddied lined of purity culture and asexuality.
I was quite disgusted with sex for a long time and it had nothing to do with purity culture, sometimes it's just normal. In fact I had an opposite experience, where at 14 you'd be considered a prude for not wanting to have sex, as well as sexual content being everywhere online. I obviously can't tell you why you feel the way you do, but for me it was more comforting to let myself be uncomfortable with sex and to not try to change my feelings about it - but at the same time, not feeling bad if I feel differently in the future.
@ahuman5772 Agreeing with you here. I struggled trying to figure out what "shade" of gray-asexual i was for a long time. In the end I've decided to just seek out what I like and leave what I don't without worrying about categorizing it all
They literally cannot admit that they might have been wrong about anything. I mean, they’ve constructed their entire identities, worldview, business, and marriages on this being the only way. But yikes.
I have a theory about this actually. I think fundies have a hard time believing they have said or done anything wrong in the past because they tell themselves “I have read and followed the Bible and listened to what God has told me to do whenever I need to make a decision. God is never wrong, so if I always do what he says, how can I ever be wrong?” To them, if they acknowledge that they have done something wrong, but what they did is what they believe God “told” them to do, then by their logic God was ALSO wrong. That logic doesn’t make sense to them, so they can’t ever admit that they did/said anything wrong. But like I said, this is just a theory. I was raised Christian and I operated under this same mentality for a while, so I imagine fundies do too, to some degree.
@@daniellereynolds8759 Yeah I think this is a big thing for them. My FIL is a huge perpetrator of the whole, "well I prayed first, so my actions could not have been wrong, all of this is YOUR fault."
Thank you for adding the 'if that is something that's important to you and your relationship' As an asexual individual, it's something really small but also really meaningful that makes me know my identity is being thought of and included in the conversation🖤
I feel like theres something A LOT deeper than just "dry bones" in the bedroom...like maybe you both don't have chemistry? he doesn't just turn you on with how he is as a person? like...i think there's a lot here. (yes, i'm speaking to bethy specifically)
It saddens and angers me that they don't understand how much they're hurting young women. I struggle with sex and intimacy because of how badly my parents shamed me when I was in high school. It wasn't based in religion for the most part but the end results have left me looking for therapy and feeling upset because I cannot do these things. I don't want anyone else to go through this hell. I just wish they would stop talking and doing these things since they don't help
It's really great that Valentine's Day tip no. 1 is: Don't deal with difficult emotions (or really, even acknowledge them), just push them down and force yourself to enjoy making someone else happy. :/ Reminds me of the way I was raised, too.
I think a single woman on the Valentine Day should do exactly the same what an Protestant or Mormon woman does on the Day of Saint Mary of the Herbs or the Day of Saint Mary of Storm Candles.
You also notice when these people talk about premaritial counseling, a lot of the time they arent referring to actual counseling - they mean meeting with random people or friends at church
It’s also not just the problem it goes ‘0-100’ but when it was 0, it was shamed, and then when it goes to 100 it’s supposed to create pleasure or love. Shame is not easily changed so it’s not surprising so many have bad sex lives.
In this culture, being single *is* that upsetting. Your entire identity and self-worth in a fundamental culture as a woman is being a wife and mom. It's literally engrained in your psyche that's all you could ever amount to. The older you get, the more crushing being single is. It's not even about what *you* really want, it's about you being a failure. Those feelings took a LONG time to unpack, even once I abandoned religion, and is the reason why I stayed in toxic relationships despite being miserable for so long.
Exactly. I hate being single and feel like it's just one more way I failed as an adult: no marriage (former partner spent 13 years with me and wouldn't marry me; that's the only serious relationship I ever had), no kids, no steady job, no driver's license, no ability to drink or socialize in bars or do whatever adults are supposed to do. I've achieved no markers of adulthood, which is why being single hurts even more.
Yeah back when I was in church it was always so weird having purity culture shoved down my throat but thennnnn doing a 180 when it was time for the young women to get married. Buying lingerie for a church friend that never wore shorts above the knee was jarring. 😅
I’m single on purpose AND one of my best friends is married and I get genuine enjoyment and happiness seeing a love and respecting relationship. Bethy sitting there and saying like “oh it’s so sad, take your mind off of being single!” screams of desperation and fear of being alone. By the way Bethy, this is going to sound crazy, but you can in fact be incredibly sad and lonely and isolated in a marriage lmao honestly I feel so sorry for people like her because she was told her only worth is through reproduction and the only happiness she can conceive of is marriage. Except that’s not how life works and marriage isn’t some magical wand wave where you’re led to some promise land of eternal happiness or whatever 🤦🏻♀️ these people see marriage as something to check off of a list and it’s sad.
Growing up in purity culture myself in an orthodox Mormon home, I can relate to what we're all witnessing these various Christian creators go through. When they had no experience of their own to draw on, they believed and had faith in what their loved ones and communities taught them. They honestly believed purity/chastity could lead them to happiness. They just needed that magical final piece: marriage! Now that many of them have that, they are coming to the crippling realization that it *isn't* healing them. It *isn't* fixing them. It's not a magical threshold that they can finally be okay now that they've crossed it. All their struggles still exist, but now they have them with the complication of another person being intimately involved. I was lucky enough to get to the place where I finally stopped questioning why I wasn't happy with the bent that it was my failing somehow. I finally was able to see that it was my religion that was failing me and my needs. My spouse and I are happily separated now. They've come to understand that they are non-binary and grey asexual. I've come to understand that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, demisexual and kinky as all fuck. Purity culture and the Mormon religion made no space for us. No plan that could lead to us being happy. So, now, having left it behind, we are charting our own courses to happiness. I don't know if Paul and Morgan and/or Girl Defined will ever find their way out. I agree with you that this is all very disingenuous, but it also smacks of the phase of apologetics, which will hopefully be followed by nuanced thinking, that are hallmarks of spiritual growth. They may go the way of God is Grey in time, becoming progressive believers. They may not. Thank you for making this content @MikeyAtkins! I love your channel and the perspective you provide here! Thank you for dissecting this harmful content and pointing out the bullshit. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Omg, when you started talking about the "backdoor to God's secret design," I instantly thought of the song The Loophole by Garfunkel & Oates 😂 (aka "f*ck me in the a*s cause I love Jesus")
and also, if you are unsatisfied in your relationship, leaving it is always an option. No matter how close or distant of an option it may be. You can still work towards leaving a relationship even if its not as simple a process as walking out the door. Youre not bound or obligated to stay in a relationship for any reason. If youre not satisfied with your relationship, then youre not satisfied with your relationship and you deserve to have a satisfying relationship. How you can achieve that is up to you, but in the end, you dont have to stay partnered and miserable.
@@jamiezuzu7326 i could talk until im blue in the face, but people only accept what theyre ready to accept and I cant undo a lifetime of indoctrination/brainwashing in one conversation. I agree that most fundi women are raised to scorn the prospect of divorce or singleness and idolize and idealize partnership just as much as their god. And that's like a murder of the spirit and personal peace.
Quite. They're taking sexual intimacy to be this deeply clinical problem when that isn't how it works. The cynical side of me is persuaded that "going to a mentor" is done to prop up their coercive culture by pushing people to entrust leaders with their deep, personal matters and information.
"The way to deal with your emotions is just to....not" oof that hit too close 😂 Would explain why my deconstruction was so painful too. You're just told not to listen to your "deceptive" heart, it's really damaging.
I’m so grateful to be able to listen to you Mickey, thank you for the amazing inclusive space you are creating. I’m kinda asexual (not really sure already) and every time someone talk about sexuality and exploring is ALWAYS prescriptive in a way or another. Masturbation is always a sin or a MUST to be a feminist/liberated and empowered woman. I always feel left out, I tried several things and time but masturbation is not appealing at all for me, every time I tried to be open about it I am deminished and label a “prude” or a “liar”. It’s really upsetting and honestly even with terapists sometimes is medicalized or frame as a problem to resolve.
Ugh that’s so frustrating! I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that. You’re so valid in your experience and *very much* not alone! You’re always safe to be exactly who you are here!
@@MickeyAtkins I'm not ace, but I would so dearly love to see you make some content (unless I misssed it?) about asexuality. I know that might not be your wheelhouse, though.
I'm not asexual but I've also felt pushed that as a woman I'm either "boring" if I'm not into really violent kinks or I'm a s*** if I don't wait for marriage or serious commitment. Even feminist spaces get co opted by "feminist" men and their opinions about us. As a woman nothing you ever do in terms of sexuality will be considered acceptable. It's ridiculous. There's no right or wrong way to enjoy (or not enjoy) s*x as long as you aren't harming other people along the way.
I’ve been single for 5 years now. And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Being single just works for me. I cannot imagine being happier and it infuriates me when people say “One day the right one will come along.” 🙄🙄 I don’t want them to! Lol I’m happy
Ikr and even if they did show up, you can’t even imagine what I’d want to scream in their face about how they weren’t there when I did want them, it’s too late, they took too long, f*ck them it’s over, etc. but our religious peers would say “but you’ve just met, how can you turn them down when you’ve only just met?” Blah blah blah! BS! You have any idea how hard it is for someone in my position to be able to experience that? It’s damn near impossible for people like me on the autism spectrum to experience that kind of relationship. Spare me the shame, I don’t want to hear it.
Mickey, I just want to thank you for all of this amazing content. You have been such an integral part of my sexual healing journey. I grew up in that repressive and oppressive Christian cult, and the brainwashing has permanent affects. There are things I just don't think I'll ever be able to get over. I have strange quirks - for instance, I simply cannot bring myself to use my hands on myself during masturbation/sex with a partner. I still struggle with porn, though I've found cartoon porn and smut something I can enjoy because there's an element of psychological removal from reality with it. Anyway, I'm just glad to see time and time again how right I was to leave the church and its (not kinky) strangle hold behind.
I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I am so sorry you experienced all of that and still have those struggles today - and I am also incredibly happy to hear that you've been healing and accessing joy! I wish you health and good vibes (pun intended) going forward!!!
@@FiddlebirdBlue I live for strangers on the internet! Over the years they have become some of my best mentors and closest friends. I'm actually helping my girlfriend of 3 years move into our apartment this weekend, and we started off as strangers on the internet!
I happy to hear that you've broken away from the that cult xx I encourage you to not conflate the teachings of that cult with Christianity Before you write Christianity off, I hope that you would read the bible and look into what Christianity actually is and the fact that Jesus lived their life we couldn't live and died the death we should've died, so that we can be reunited with God
You know, with a lot of these women you review who claim they basically need to force themselves to get into the mood, it makes me wonder how many are just asexual and have no clue because "Go FoRtH aNd MuLtIpLy".
Not just that but also realising they may have other conditions making it harder for them to be in the mood, women who grow in cultures like the one GD propagates often believe women don't like to have sex or have much lower libidos than their husbands always.
I was raised in a very religious environment, and I didn't date until college. When I did get my first boyfriend (now husband) I would break down crying after every time we kissed or made out, because I felt so so guilty. We dated for a couple years before we got married and I continued to feel like a terrible person. It definitely was a huge strain on our relationship and didn't just magically get better after we got married. We're no longer religious and being free of the guilt is the best feeling.
I discovered for my own sex life with my partner that my libido can stagnate if I'm not feeding and maintaining it. So I have steamy texts with my partner, read steamy books, etc and that helps keep my desire alive when it's time to get aroused with my partner. But, I've also had to work hard on asking for the foreplay that I need, because that absolutely is something we need to be sharing together, and is not my responsibility to just take care of on my own.
mickey i am such a stan u don’t understand. My partner was like which is the lady you watch all the time? and i was like mickey atkins. and they were like OHHHH okay. i’ve gotten them to watch you too hehe.
I 100% related to the “some people choose to be single/singleness is not a disease” part 😂 About 3 years ago, when I was 19, I dated a 29 year old man who took advantage of me in most ways bc I was super naive and trusting (and being MUCH older than me, he knew that). I barely escaped that relationship. Ever since then I’ve been EXTREMELY content being single. Like Valentine’s Day goes by and I’m not even a little bit sad about the fact that I don’t have a partner. I still fuck, yeah, but I don’t need or want a relationship- and I think a LOT of people can relate to that sentiment. I’m so sick and tired of this culture peddling the idea that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a partner, or that even if you say you’re happy, carefree, and content with not having a partner that you’re secretly sad, miserable, and lonely on the inside (bc how could you ever be happy when you’re alone?). 😂 sometimes single people *choose*/*want* to be single 😂
Mickey,, you're legitimately the coolest 🥰 Thank you for all your inclusiveness, open mindedness, respect, genuineness, all you bring to the table on these topics. You are doing "god's" work lol 😉 But seriously, you're making a difference out there, keep it up Mickey ❤❤❤❤ We need many more like you out there.
I’d like to believe their revisionist history of suddenly accepting wearing lingerie & other things is because they’ve realized their messaging about being “sexually broken” people was bad, but I’m doubting that’s the reason.
Even in the first TikTok, it's delivered in the guise of "you can't expect to bring dead bones into the bedroom; you have to do the work on your own to find the sex enjoyable." The onus is still firmly on the female partner to be available sexually even when they're not in the mood or being satisfied.
I'm so grateful to have found your channel recently, I have many issues with sexuality, anxiety, depression that include shame, disgust etc. I have so many questions that need answering and can't wait to dive into your video history. You're uhh mazing! I love how you just cut to the chase and don't beat around the bush, no pun intended...
Hey Mickey. Good work again my fine Sista. At 52 and a gay atheist I find that I am very happy being single. Ive had many a romp through my twenties and thirties and have been celibate for about twenty years. In celibacy, I found masturbation a wonderful way of working through my sexual hang-ups and discovering a nice sense of maturity within my gay persona. All I want to do now is dedicate the rest of my life to University and research into Psychology and then leave the world a better place. These fundamentalists are being brainwashed into thinking that it's about marriage and having to have someone. In my opinion, I seriously feel that its just about pumping out more fundamentalists to go forth and take over the world.
They put such an emphasis on sex that it becomes this almost mythical thing. Then they have it and they're like, "Oh, that's it? I thought there would be literal fireworks..." Well, yeah, "that's it" because sex is just a thing animals do. Maybe if they didn't have such a weird view of it drilled into their heads every day they might have gone out and experienced it to figure out what they like and what they don't. I've had great sex and I've had bad sex, but I didn't make having sex my entire personality and the pinnacle of my existence.
I'm glad you mentioned drag. I'm so so shocked by the puritanical attitudes drag. In the UK it's part of our culture. Pantomime goes back as far as the 16th century. There are Pantomimes every Christmas up and down the country and this would banned in Tenassee! Also I'm single and loving it!
Same here in Germany. One of the greatest honours when you live as a man in Cologne is to portrait the Virgin during Carnival as part of the Dreigespann. You have to proof yourself and spend an awful lot of money and time before you are even considered for the list of candidates. The only ones that ever had a problem with it where the Nazis.
Same in Ireland, we literally have multiple Pantos every year at Christmas, they are aimed at kids, and men dressing up as women was always part of it. These days those parts are played by drag queens and it's completely not a big deal
@@HollyComstock15 Right! Can you imagine the response if someone tried to stop pantos! It would cause uproar! Even if they said 'no widow twanky'! Or mr Tumble being forced to axe aunt polly! No Paul OGrady because no Lily Savage! No Bagga Chips popping up on every other advert!
I kind of forgot about how awkward some people feel being single on valentine's day. Or rather, not individual people, but subcultures that generate such shame about being single. I was just stoked to buy candy at a massive discount on the 15th. But it makes me feel sad and upset that people feel this pressure, that people feel so lonely in themselves and feel personal failure about being single. Wanting to be partnered or being partnered is great but people really NEED to be allowed to feel secure in themselves as single people, single femmes, knowing that being single doesn't mean you're broken or defective in ANY way.
So they believe women should be available to their husbands sexually at all times, only for making a baby, and also they can't want sex but they have to please their husband....?
It’s interesting that her idea of “warming up” is putting on laundry. She’s thinking about getting ready to *be sexy* not *be sexual* like the two are related and wanting to be sexy is great. But there’s nothing about getting ready to enjoy, only to take pleasure from being enjoyed.
I’m one of those people who grew up in purity culture and really struggled to “flip the switch” to being super sex positive and free because internally there’s still so much shame around the concept. In fact my husband and I did explore sexually a little bit before, as it felt natural and consensual, and were so so so heavily shamed/rebuked for it… that makes me so sad now, as I see it as it was the natural progression of our love and closeness to each other :/
Bethys tip about avoiding stores on Valentine's day is pretty good actually lol. I went grocery shopping on Valentine's day and it was an absolute madhouse 😵💫
I adore your videos and have been watching for a number of months now. There is something delightfully cathartic about your approach to these topics and I giggle every time you say, "Pushes my f*cking buttons!" You're doing good work and are also very entertaining. I have a long-term partner and still chose to spend Valentine's Day by myself, getting high and watching dumb movies! I feel both disgusted by and sympathy for these fundie women because even though they are actively spreading shame and misinformation, they are also victims. Thank you for the amazing work you do and the wonderful content you create 💜
I completely agree about the clothing. They contrdict themselves. Ttw made a video about it being our fault as women dressing a way is our faults for men who can't control themselves. How about men learn control like a decent person?
Mickey!! I just have to say THANK YOU for all this awesome educational content , it has helped me become more emotionally aware and definitely a kinder friend, partner, and teacher:) I really appreciate what youre doing because you help put words to things I don’t have words for :) Thanks for doing what you do!
"A Christian White Woman told me that sexuality and maturation is OK, so now *I'm* OK with it!!" That's a line from a recent reaction episode from Jordan and McCay (two Former Mormons) where Bethany interviewed another Christian blogger/influencer who's a lot more liberal in her views...but not by **that** much
Mikey, I also don't like to speak perscriptively about what people should or shouldn't do but, you need merch with "pushes my fucking buttons" on it. I get that it can get a little sticky with curse words and such, but I truly think this is something that the world needs, or at least me. That being said the banana pancakes stuff is friggin adorable and I plan on getting some soon.
I remember when i was sad about being single because i was in this culture. When i realized i didn't need another, but might want someone someday, i was much less upset or unhappy on Valentine's.
I grew up in the Seventh-Day Adventist church, which I now know is a fundamentalist religion, and it's absolutely insane to me watching all of your videos on Paul and Morgan and Girl Defined. While they do take certain things farther than my specific family did (like the woman of the house being solely a homemaker), a lot of things are absolutely on par with the beliefs I grew up being taught. I no longer associate with the church and have known for a while that their beliefs are pretty backwards, but I guess I never realized that the beliefs were so much different from normal Christian beliefs. It's crazy to watch your videos and here you say now certain things are very much fundamentalist only and not normal Christian beliefs, with those beliefs being EXACTLY what I was taught growing up. I still have trauma from the religion I'm trying to overcome, and I just want to thank you for these videos. They've really opened my eyes more than ever before and make me feel extremely validated.
Bruh not even with a gun to my head would i ever say what bethy just said on the actual internet???? Also hell ya I'm loving that so many of my fave lady creators are getting sponsored by Bellesa 💕💕
Thank you for this video Mickey! Finding your channel was the final straw that convinced me to start pursuing a therapy degree myself and I'm wrapping up my first year of college :)
Just found your channel and don't typically comment. The most I know about fundie culture is what I've learned from Fundie Fridays, another channel I recently found. Maybe the algorithm is getting better after all? But I digress. The only point I really needed to make is that I could never take a grown person seriously if they go by Bethy. I mean, seriously? Thank you for being able to stay on message after all the times you had to say Bethy. You didn't even make a weird face or anything. That's how I know you're a professional. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Imagine being her husband and having your wife put out to all of these people that essentially you have trouble “exciting her” if you don’t get your chores done.
I’m bringing a photo to my stylist (when I have some money)😅 I’m the kind of person who dye her hair every meltdown (once a month) in crazy color, but not so skilled yet ahahaha
As always, this conversation about marriage and love and relationships is almost always extremely exclusionary to Aromantic and asexual people. So I always appreciate you for talking about people who may not even want sex or romance.
Just a side note … I have so much going on in my life with my mental health and am struggling - your videos calm me down and make me laugh at the same time so thank you ❤
I feel a lot of sadness for those who died without feeling like there was enough space for their emotions. I hope I get to meet them to let them know that they were enough, their emotions were enough, and there was enough space for that. I wish it was possible to mourn for everyone and everything.
growing up Christian myself, I am so thankful that the first day of college at a private Christian school, we had a speaker come in to tell us "masturbation is GOOD and here's why" with like, a biblical background to it. It really helped me feel less shame about myself, especially since at that time, I was sex-repulsed and had never really explored my own body out of fear/guilt.
@@designerdiva423 oh, geez, that was over 10 years ago now.... I would love to help you more specifically, but the mindset I came away with was, Our bodies are our own and God made them for us, so we should feel free to explore and love ourselves physically. We take care of our bodies with eating and exercise, and basically so long as you're not like lusting after something specific, masturbation is a great way to help you relax and feel happy when you're down. :) I hope that makes sense!
It's frustrating how much the stigma of being single is. I still get occasionally asked when I'll get married even though I'm focused on saving up for a move & am not looking to starting dating at the moment as I still remember the last time I was kind of pushed into a relationship in highschool when I wasn't looking for one. It thankfully ended on good terms & it taught me that it's both okay to be single & that when I'm ready to start dating it will be because the woman I'm wanting to date & I both want to not something we're forced into. For now I will spend valentine's day doing some much needed self care & self-love by eating a box of chocolates & watching horror movies
I remember the first time I masturbated when I was a teenager, I felt so much shame for it. Like, I thought I was a huge sinner, that I was bad, and I would never do it again. And every time I would give in to the desire, I’d go through it all again. One time, I even gave myself a time limit. I could masturbate until Easter because Jesus would wash away my sins. I didn’t stop after Easter. So the shame and guilt continued, until I worked through that religious trauma. Growing up and being told I’m a used piece of gum, or that I am responsible for “my brothers in Christ stumbling,” really messed me up, because on top of it, I’d been SAed. So really, in Christianity, I would be considered used already. I guess that’s why the shift makes me mad now, especially because it doesn’t go far enough. It doesn’t get rid of the shame and guilt I went through, and it’s harming another generation of kids.
Belief It or Not has a GREAT video in his 7 deadly sins series about lust. The problem in Christianity is sex is the only thing that is both a sin, AND something that is supposed to be “beautiful and celebrated” as soon as you get married. Most of us can’t just flip that switch in our brain! I got married at 20 and I never had an orgasm with my first husband. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t. And I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about that. I’m 31 now and have been divorced (and recently remarried) and went through a long stage of experimenting sexually to figure out what works for me and I finally reached a point where I know how to reach satisfaction. I talk to my younger sister about sex (just very generalized check-ins and giving her space to ask questions if she ever has any) because I don’t want her to be in the same space I was.
It's so funny how now she's changing her ideas because she's realizing things aren't actually working. I could have sworn that all of that stuff was bad before. I could have sworn they were talking about how getting yourself mentally stimulated was bad. Isn't it funny to watch them realize that they were full of s*** before
100% if it weren't for purity culture, my parents probably would have had a summer fling, my mom would've realized my dad was bad for her and they would have moved on.
It’s really weird to me how fundies just go: “the world is obsessed with sex,” but literally I’ve never met a sexually confident person that always talked about sex. Sex is literally like 10% or less of what I think or talk about in a week. Granted I’m on the Ace spectrum but still. Normal people really do not think about sex as much as they think we do lmao
I just want to say thank you for making this content. I grew up in an extremely fundamentalist Christian community .I’m am in my 40s now, and still working on deconstructing all that shit. Being able to hear an articulate, qualified person respond directly to this type of messaging is important, and so helpful! I’m so grateful.
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Does this gift card expire ever? I dont have the money right now yet 🥺
Bellesa Scam:
Be careful with the "free" toys! They may try to switch your "gift" out with a different feal and you will be screwed, they do not take back toys, even if all packaging is intact and unopened. I used paypal and it was paid for before i could see what the final bill would be, so i didnt know that i was not getting the free giveaway.
If you call the second it goes out they say they can't help until the item is received. However, the second that You can't get anything back the second it leaves the warehouse!
It takes forever to get a hold of customer service, days in fact, and if you do, its completely unhelpful. My "free" give away cost $200. BE CAREFUL.
@@Skag_Sisyphus also reddit reviews say that bellesa toys are very loud and disappointing
I'm autistic and I find that if I "plan to have a great day" and ANYTHING crap happens, the spike to meltdown is so, so much worse.
Agreed, as someone with ADHD and CPTSD. Telling myself I'm going to/I have to have a good day makes me feel like I'm trapped. As soon as anything bad or inconvenient happens I spiral because I'm not only bothered by the thing that happened, but by feeling like I'm failing at having a good day.
@@maggiedk Yeah, same here! I realized recently that I can’t really set myself up for a good day, I can mostly just do the morning things that make me happy (coffee, yoga, yummy breakfast ) but that doesn’t do everything. It’s helped to understand that it’s OK to not have a good day sometimes and it’s not a reflection of me!!
Oh this is so true! No plan and it’s much easier to appreciate the good things that pop up.
@@maggiedk thank you for putting this feeling into words!
Interesting :) opposite for me (ADHD), if I don't start the day planning to have a good day and be productive I will spiral and accomplish nothing lol. Reminding myself that even if something happens I can still make it a good day keeps me from spiraling.
After cringe watching Bethys content, I’m convinced she loves being married more than she loves her actual husband.
Absolutly
without a doubt
It’s not a surprise considering she married late (according to the standards of her community). And you could see in her content before how she was all about “preparing for your future husband”.
That is Christian culture bs for you
This is exactly why I did not get married when I was in the culture. I knew I only liked this boy as a friend and that it isn't the right way to fulfill the dream of being married (aka having someone take care of finances and take care of my housing and insurance needs lol). I dumped him, became a pagan, and got therapy. Way better decision XD
I love how all these guys are slowly coming out with their unsatisfaction and fail to see the common denominator
Didn’t one of them marry a gay man? 😭
@@idkwuzgoinon No, there was a rumor that Bethany’s husband went through conversion therapy twice, but it’s not true
@@idkwuzgoinon There was a rumor that Dav (Bethy's husband) was gay and went through conversion therapy, but they have openly stated that's not true. I'm not a Girl Defined fan, but I don't think we should be spreading rumors either.
Another great example of that was Ben Shapiro saying that if a vagina is wet, there's something medically wrong....and his wife, the doctor, assured him of that. 😂 I bet she did, buddy. I bet she did. lmao
When you demonize sex and you are taught from birth that sex is for procreation only and that, if you are a woman, you are allowed not a single moment of sexual pleasure or sexual thought, of course you are going to live your life unsatisfied until you work through unpacking all of that. And I do not see Bethy EVER unpacking these things and trying to deconstruct. I believe Morgan probably will at some point. But Bethy and Kristin? I don't think so. And I think their personal dissatisfaction is a big part of why they are ALL so damn obsessed with what everyone else is doing with their bodies. It's sour grapes, especially for the women in these communities and the people who are hiding their true sexuality because of their religious teachings. They feel like they are living their restrictive beliefs and it's not "fair" that the rest of us aren't doing the same thing.
I agree with you. We have no right to speculate on other people sexuality, and honestly in this type of extreme religious setting can be dangerous and distructive (even more than it already is in this shitty homofobic world).
I know that they spread a lot of harmful bullshit and hate around the LGBTQAI+ community, and it can be VERY tempting to call them out, but I don’t believe that make someone unsafe is ever a good move.
I had a youth leader who (while still advocating for waiting until marriage) said that she had an identity crisis after her wedding night and had a major breakdown that morning on the way to their honeymoon. She had a new name, a new family, and on top of that, she was no longer a virgin, this thing that had defined her for her entire life.
Ugh and I'm sure she told yall that story thinking that's a normal thing to experience. Very sad.
There was a famous 19th century art critic who never consummated his marriage, it lasted for 6 years I think until his wife got it annulled! Though a reason was never given, his biographer thinks that the only naked females he ever saw (pre wedding) were classical sculptures-and guess what they never have - yep he didn’t know that women have hair in places besides their heads and this so scarred him he couldn’t touch her. The ultimate, and quite Victorian, example of what going into a marriage with no sex ed can do
That experience is so weird to me and I'm glad I was privileged enough to not be inserted in that type of culture, I literally felt nothing different after I lost my virginity, I was the same exact person with a new experience, it must have been so hard to deal with essentially losing your value in the eyes of others.
@@sonder122 that said: he must have been the exeption. Victorian men had plenty of sex and access to sex, as well as depictions of sex.
@@bluester7177 Right?? People in my life (Christian AND not) kept telling me I'd feel like a whole new person and I was like ... nope. Just me with a new thing in my life
I love the idea that as a single woman I mark Valentine’s Day on my calendar with a big black frowny face and spend it curled up sobbing as I binge watch romance movies while wailing “Oh God why, why, why”. When people feel ‘sorry’ for me being single and ‘childless’ I tell them my favourite joke: what do people with kids and people without kids have in common? They feel sorry for each other. I promise you there is no comeback to that.
I have got to remember that next time someone asks me when I’m having kids 😂
I like that joke because it doesn't shit on either choice too :)
Lmao that is GREAT!
@@qwandary no one ever does. That propaganda. Feminists support whatever it is you want to do, but Christianity doesn't lend the same grace to women who don't want kids or marriage
Well, some people really wish they never had kids
I love how conservative Christian influencers think they’re being so cool & edgy & groundbreaking by talking about sex when Tammy Faye was promoting vibrators on PTL in the 80s
I feel this, but it must be very difficult to walk away from the amount of shame that they grew up in. In some way I feel empathy, the BIG problem is that they perpetuate that harm in a really public and large setting. I don’t know if they realize the kind of Cognitive Dissonance they display
It seems like they’re trying to be more “open” in some ways, but it’s kinda worse. They can’t admit any wrong. I would be ok if they were sharing their PERSONAL journey, the problem is that they spread this shit as “THE ONLY WAY FOR EVERYBODY (to not be a satanic mess)”
We stan the queen
@@katherinec4360 I adore her. I know she was complicit in defrauding vulnerable people, but she was vulnerable herself & she ultimately used her platform for good unlike other televangelists. I mean she interviewed an openly gay AIDS patient in the mid-80s & showed him so much love & compassion when even mainstream television networks were reluctant to humanise people with HIV or AIDS, especially queer people. & promoting sex toys on a Christian TV network? Iconic.
Tammy Faye was an absolute saint for this. I can still bless her from beyond the grave for her empathetic nature.
It’s so interesting, growing up non-religious and with frank, open and age appropriate conversations around sex I actually waited longer than most of my peers to have sex. I felt comfortable saying no and taking care of myself.
As an adult I have a really healthy relationship with sex, despite the SA I did experience in my youth. It’s amazing how being open about it actually helps you
So you mean to tell us that living by the musings of old men 2000 years ago *_isn't_* a healthy means to experience life?
(end sarcasm)
@@user-mv5zt8qd9l yes, yes I am lol 😂
Same here.
I made a comment on transformed wife's page once about the need for comprehensive sex Ed. I don't remember how the one dude worded it exactly, but the idea was basically that the more women know about sex, the more they want to sleep around. 🤷♂️
@@hache521 yeah, I think the failure rate if abstinence only education would suggest otherwise
It’s so weird how Beth said that she would find “mentors” to talk about sex-related topics but doesn’t even mention talking about it with her partner, the person she is going to have sex with.
I can’t explain the joy it brings me to see a woman openly and confidently discussing her toys. People who are AFAB are often raised to feel ashamed of exploring their own bodies, I love seeing us break away from that!!
hell yeah i been trying to normalize it by talking about it to my friends. theyre always weirded out at first but eventually get used to it. (and i only do this with my closest friends who ik wont mind it btw i dont just go around to people saying this lol) and ive gotten to the point where one of my male friends and i often talk about whatever toy we just bought. i actually got him into buying toys for himself and he had never used lube before. i like that just talking about it can help other people branch out and try new things.
I got really lucky in that my mom just outright told me masturbation is healthy and normal, despite being Christian herself.
@@arandomcatheehee yeah mine too - in fact when I separated from my first husband, my mom gave me a vibrator. She said “this is healthy” and “sex with one is better than none” 😂
But if a man talks about a fleshlight he's called a lonely loser
@@andrea2kx Why are you mad about this post dude
The problem with this culture is that it teaches that sex is required of a woman, no matter what’s going on, or how she feels. What I can tell you , from being a fundie wife, is that obligation will dry up anyone’s bonds.
Edit to add that it’s sad that young women are discouraged from having their own work, hobbies, and passions. Valentine’s Day might not even cross your mind, if you’re doing something you love.
It's so damaging, especially if there is pressure and coercion involved. Whether it's conscious or not, her body will register sex she doesn't want as rape. She will not feel safe with him and her body will no longer respond to him the same way. So many think they've lost their desire or that it's normal, but if they find a respectful partner they learn that they do have a normal sex drive, it was just shut off to an unsafe person. No matter how much you love something, turning it into an obligation or weapon will destroy that love and replace it with disgust and resentment. If you love chocolate cake, you will be physically ill at the smell of it if someone guilts you into choking it down constantly when you're already full or not feeling well.
It makes me sick to know that so many think this is normal. It's not, and it will not only destroy a woman's attraction and trust, but can permanently damage her ability to feel as safe and fulfilled as she should.
@@Nosfermarki You described this perfectly. Thank you for your insights and empathy.
Vaginismus is real common among fundie and ex fundie women.
Yes. Unfortunately, I didn't think Bethy was encouraging wives to get themselves in the mood JUST for their sake, to enjoy sex, but because husbands are owed sex, and they shouldn't have to try to get you in the mood, you owe it to them to be in the mood when they want sex.
@@Nosfermarki Sooo accurate. I was in an abusive relationship for 3.5y and although I have a very high libido usually, I absolutely dreaded sex with my abusive partner by the end and hardly ever orgasmed during it. (Happy to report that libido rebounded once I was single again, and am now very fulfilled in every way by an incredibly loving, giving, healthy, compassionate partner who totally respects my off days or triggered moments)
As a former fundie, this mentality is why I have a very sex positive household and make sure my daughter knows sex is not bad, before or after marriage, it’s natural, and while I want to make sure she is protected when she decides the time is right for her to start exploring, I don’t expect her to wait for Mr., Mrs., or Mx. right to come along and marry her before she does start figuring things out.
I agree but I can’t imagine the implementation of having a sexually actively minor
My mom is Christian, but she told me if I want to have sex, she would find a way to get me on birth control, and I think that's really cool
The "you can't just give your husband dry bones and expect him to resurrect them" thing frustrates me so much bc from that you could go, "it's important to not force yourself if you're not feeling up for it, there are some nights where it's just not gonna happen and that's ok" and instead she turns it into "so that's why YOU have to do all the work to get into the mood and get yourself off even when you're not into it!" like dude...
its giving "lie back and think of England".
men "need" sex and its your "wifely duty" to "give" it to him.
your husband wouldnt have cheated on you if you had sex with him more
theres a blatant disregard and neglect for the needs and desire of women and a lack of accountability or standards for the male partner. its as if to say that marriage or partnership is ABOUT the female partner making the male partner happy. Like thats your responsibility as the female partner to make the male partner satisfied with your relationship but reciprocity isnt something you should expect from male partners. As if simply gaining the validation from the male by his willingness to "make an honest woman out of you" (being in a relationship with you) is and should you be enough to sustain your relationship satisfaction. even though men are generally more satisfied with the relationship anyway (if the amount of bitter divorced men online and historically sexist gender role expectations within relationships are anything to go by)
The cool girl monologue from gone girl mentions “presenting your mouth for fucking” and Bethy and co make me think of that lol ew how tf do we have grown ass women on the internet telling girls they need to present their vaginas for fucking in 2023 I can’t
Talk about rapey...
I have a feeling she has never been into it. It's almost like checking sexual compatibility before shackling yourself to a person forever might be important. But what do I know? I'm just a sinful harlot.
I mean I'm not gonna lie as a queer woman and a top I feel like a lot of women do kind of feel like sex is an activity where they just lie there and do nothing and then their partner does everything and makes it a great experience for them and then they wonder why they're disappointed, like I agree that not having sex you're not up for is an important thing that we should be telling everyone but equally I feel like you do need to put some effort into sex if you want it to be good, learn what you like and how to direct your partner to what you like, learn what your partner likes, find ways you can compromise so both of you are enjoying yourself and it's not just one person's fantasy dominating every time, and most importantly so that you can be an active participant and not just a passive receiver, that kind of thing. Also, performance anxiety can be a real thing and it sometimes can help to get yourself in the mood before you have sex so that you're not feeling as nervous about it and you're ready to seek out your own pleasure.
So... Bethany is casually telling the entire world that her husband doesn't satisfy her? It feels odd.
Just being chaste and quiet like women are supposed to be in their culture… OH WAIT
Him admitting to suicidal ideation definitely makes a lot of sense now.
Tell me when female sexual satisfaction was ever a concern for that set? When was it discussed? When was it mentioned as a thing to do, let alone a priority? Enjoying sex us fir degraded, unworthy women, wives are just so grateful to be there to serve their men.
I'm all for making fun of Girl Defined content, but making fun of someone's mental health and saying it was probably due to their bad sex life seems a little extra cruel/unnecessary.
He could be in the midst of becoming less religious, he could be depressed since a young age, he could be dealing with past/present trauma, and his depression may or may not contribute to the quality of their sex life. Lots of men deal with depression and I don't think it's a helpful take to jump to it. Particularly as a lot of men when they have depression can really struggle with their sense of identity when depression impacts their sex lives (given patriarchal norms around sex).
(I 100% realize this was just a quick joke and nothing serious, I'm just expanding for anyone who may feel hurt by your comment. My male partner has depression and at various points due to meds or the depression itself certain or all forms of sex can be off the table. We have built a satisfying sex life and intimate connection despite this challenge!)
I’m honestly thinking that for people like the Girls Defined, the Pauls & Morgan, the Classicallys Abby, etc, the reason they make this content is because they think they “get to” now. *They* played by the purity culture rules, and now *they* get to wear the lingerie, do the sex, and even broadcast it to the world. They did it right!
(Side note: I do think Bethy in particular does not make the connection that her audience is teenage girls. I think she genuinely believes her audience is *her* age & dealing with the same things she is… and she’s in her *mid 30s* mind you)
My cousin that is her age is goofy like her. She acts like a teen girl so makes sense
Kinda goes hand in hand with repression culture though. Fundies want emotional stunting so no matter how old these influencers get, they're going to keep "discovering" things other people who are not Fundies discovered a long time ago, or they're going to be in a state of arrested development emotionally because they've purposefully been brought up to think essentially like teenagers with no growth afterward.
This tracks with some sermons I heard from friends of mine who'd get on stage and *brag* that they get to talk about Sex because they waited (I'll admit that I revisited sites and social media from my old church to keep tabs on how my old friends are now doing...but that was a couple years ago).
Also, as someone in their early 30s, who left Fundamentalism years ago, dated, has been with her now-spouse for almost 7 years (been married for 6 months), Bethy's newly discovered energy about Sex just screams I'm-a-teenager-and-just-discovered-my-sexuality. Ever see an older dog just being Done with an excited puppy nipping at them? Yeah, I feel the same with Bethy...
@@Resilient_Sage88 What a depressingly insightful comment. But I'd feel still sorrier for many of them if they weren't also complicit in perpetuating the oppression
@@Resilient_Sage88 THIS!
They’re also in such insular bubbles, that they don’t grasp just how big the world actually is (despite ironically having hundreds of thousands of followers).
So when they have ANY human experience for the first time, they think they’ve cracked a code and discovered something so profoundly new, with *zero* awareness that it’s so much a part of life, and literally millions of people have already experienced it, and much earlier in life than they did
One of the worse mental health events I had was after I first had sex.
I was 21 and had been raised fundamentalist Assemblies of God.
My whole value as a person had been tied to being a virgin by my family my whole life (including 3 different purity vow ceremonies).
On Mother's day the pastor would call up by name every girl who had "become women" (started getting their periods, I was 12 and still liked playing pretend) up to be given these gold tone rose pins and book marks for our bibles while the church members prayed over us with oil as "the future mothers of the church" after watching a similar thing was done for the mothers and grandmothers.
We were taught that "love isn't an emotion, it's a choice that you make every day." and that set me for an abusive relationship.
I’m so so sorry. It must have been really traumatic. Hope you can find support and healing. You’re so strong and brave, give you a big hug
@@annaalessandrini9965
My partner has helped me come a long way since then.
Leaving fundamentalism was one of the most important things in my mental health
So happy for you, you deserve a lot of love❤️
Omg that is horrifying. I was 9 when I started I would have died in front of church no child should be subjected to that. No one should be subjected to that.
I still believe love is a choice and it’s healthier to choose your partner every day than rely on fleeting emotions like how happy or “in love” you are. Obviously abuse doesn’t play into this and if you’re in a permanent state of fear, doubt and general dissatisfaction then leaving is the best choice, even within the I choose you framework of mind you will always have that choice whether to leave or not, instead of being caught up in the love you may feel for this person, you don’t feel obligated to stay because of the love but rather the continuous choices made every day to establish connection and love.
I NEED the quote “just because you call it “self-cultivating” doesn’t mean you’re not flicking the bean Bethy” on a piece of your merch IMMEDIATELY! 🤣
Nothing gives me dead bones in the bedroom quite like a Girl Defined video.
This comment gave me a good, hearty laugh. Thank you for that 💜
I want Mickey to make Dead Bones in the Bedroom Merch, I'd buy it in a heartbeat!
😂😂😂😂
i wish people knew valentines day was about celebrating people you love IN GENERAL and not just about romance
I always go out and have a movie night with my fellow aro/ace bestie (and any single friends who want to join in that year) and we eat dinner and have a good time on valentines. We call it "the single pringle mingle" because we always gotta have chips for it instead of chocolate. you can make your own traditions and meaning for any day at any time imo, and they can be just as important as the idea of romantic love holiday.
It’s always that way for little kids, we should bring that “a card for every kid in class” type deal into the workplace!
@@edvh88 i think about that a lot!! I always try and bring cupcakes to work :)
“The things they are teaching are not working in their own lives”. Nailed it!!
Sex in marriage still feels shameful and dirty and wrong in my head - I never have sex without hiding to cry and cuss myself out (such as “whore”) before I go back to bed. THAK YOU for helping others get past or not get to this point. Cognitive dissonance is hell. ✌🏼
AW im so sorry you feel you have to do this. You dont. Glad you are healing, sending love and hugs to you xxx
I don't know if this would work for you, but finding people like myself in various aspects made it harder to hate myself on those bases. Like... plenty of "whores" are great and happy people.
I hope this thought process can help. Disarming negative self talk helps
- And if you just don't want to have sex, that's a fully legit path. Sex should be fun
I wish you the best in getting through that
I get it. My mother in law knew we had sex before marriage and she brought it up FOR YEARS after we were married. EVEN THOUGH my husband had lost a pregnancy with someone before we got together. EVEN THOUGH I lost my virginity to him. I was the nasty slut. I hate that women. I hate she is in my head when I have sex. I still feel guilty and we have been married 17 years. BUT I'm trying new things. I'm trying really hard to talk to my husband about things I enjoy. I'm trying to enjoy my own life without her in it.
@@jonipitcher7185 💜!
Thank you, and I know we’re stronger than we think we are.
I’m wishing better things for you, I admire your courage and tenacity.
✌🏼
I’ve noticed that viewing Valentine’s Day as a painful reminder of your failure to find love is most common with straight women that I’ve talked to. I think it says a lot about how our society still equates a woman’s value with being in a relationship with a man. If you aren’t, then there must be something wrong with you. Straight men and queer people might be lonely, but it doesn’t seem like we have the same pressure. People still see us as complete even if we aren’t in relationships.
i think its connected to misogyny and sexism. Under patriarchy, women must always be subordinate to and validated by some man to maintain her social relevance. Whether that male is her father, male partner, male relative, etc. The only women that have value are those who submit themselves to the "leadership and guidance" of men and those who dont are immoral and worthless because they refuse to value male validation and submit to men unquestioningly and without hesitation. Because she refuses to submit to the gendered subordination set by patriarchy.
Its the Madonna-whore complex. if you dont maintain the subordinate position to men as youre expected to, then youre a worthless whore. If you do, then youre the madonna who is respectable and has value and are worth protecting, up to a point. The kicker is that neither the madonna or the whore are well liked or respected by the society theyre are subjected to and constantly remain vulnerable and never truly respected. the madonna only buys you time before your vulnerability is revealed and the opportunity to climb the ranks of the power structure of patriarchy, but you never get too close as to create a matriarchy.
i think its like how men treat women differently when a man is with her. They respect a woman or stop trying to get her attention when a man comes into the picture because she already has a man to submit to and is no longer "fair game" to try to subjugate himself. He's acknowledging the presence of another man (shes someone's mother, sister, grandmother, etc). It would be a trespassing on another man's "property" to try to get her attention and thats not very bro-code to do.
I disagree with the part about queer people. Maybe you mean queer men? People who were raised as women and later realize they’re queer were still raised as women and still have that experience internalized, and those who outwardly present femininely and are viewed as a woman by others still experience that heteronormative need for a man being pushed onto them. It doesn’t just go away when they realize they like other women or a more diverse range of people. If you’ve ever talked to a lesbian about their experiences, you would know that the need ingrained by the society they grew up in to be loved by a man is still there in many lesbians and other queer people raised as women, and even in some queer women who weren’t raised as women!
Huh. Yeah, I don't think there was a lot of external pressure, but I know I beat myself up a ton for never having had a valentine
Former Christian here. The churches I went to weren’t fundie, but still. It is pounded into girls minds from childhood on that your place in the world is to be a support system for men, and that includes your role in sex. You are taught to believe that life is inherently harder for men, so you are supposed to be meek and supportive. Never critical, never harsh. So, you definitely don’t tell them that they aren’t pleasing you sexually, not that they would care.
I grew up in a fundamentalist house hold. I was 20 when I lost my 'virginity' (lost in long time ago but that "didn't count" because I was sa'ed) I had literally no idea what an orgasm was. I assumed that I was there as an object for my ex to use. When I first had one I was very very confused and upset that I had done something wrong. This type of bs these girls spout is hurting people and I'm so happy there's someone like you who's willing to talk about it without flinching.
Im 24 finna be 25. Lmao bruuh im athiest but it gonna be while before i lose mine, im not in rush at same. Makin due with toys, but purity culture is a b, i wint raise my kids in tht mess either. And im bisexual so im so happy i didnt get married to man long time ago. Would have been horrible
I'm so sorry that a sexual climax was such an alien idea/ feeling that it made you feel like you did something wrong! I had a weird opposing experience where I had been... self-exploring, let's say, for so long, that I had had orgasms *well* before I knew what the word was, or even the term "masturbation." (Though i sure knew that it upset the shit out of my mom when she "caught" me - was never told "don't do that" in so many words but, yeah). So, it *felt* natural, but the lack of vocabulary left me feeling really weird about it! When I finally learned the terms, it was like a ray of light straight into my brain! It's so important to just *talk* about these things.
I've always wondered to what degree my disgust with sex is due to 16 years of Catholic purity culture. I was in 4th grade wearing 3 camis at a time with my school polo because I was so scared of boys making comments about my developing chest. When I left the church, I figured that fear stemmed from purity culture. But now I'm nearing 30 and I'm still having issues figuring out the completely muddied lined of purity culture and asexuality.
I was quite disgusted with sex for a long time and it had nothing to do with purity culture, sometimes it's just normal. In fact I had an opposite experience, where at 14 you'd be considered a prude for not wanting to have sex, as well as sexual content being everywhere online. I obviously can't tell you why you feel the way you do, but for me it was more comforting to let myself be uncomfortable with sex and to not try to change my feelings about it - but at the same time, not feeling bad if I feel differently in the future.
@ahuman5772 Agreeing with you here. I struggled trying to figure out what "shade" of gray-asexual i was for a long time. In the end I've decided to just seek out what I like and leave what I don't without worrying about categorizing it all
They literally cannot admit that they might have been wrong about anything. I mean, they’ve constructed their entire identities, worldview, business, and marriages on this being the only way. But yikes.
I have a theory about this actually. I think fundies have a hard time believing they have said or done anything wrong in the past because they tell themselves “I have read and followed the Bible and listened to what God has told me to do whenever I need to make a decision. God is never wrong, so if I always do what he says, how can I ever be wrong?” To them, if they acknowledge that they have done something wrong, but what they did is what they believe God “told” them to do, then by their logic God was ALSO wrong. That logic doesn’t make sense to them, so they can’t ever admit that they did/said anything wrong.
But like I said, this is just a theory. I was raised Christian and I operated under this same mentality for a while, so I imagine fundies do too, to some degree.
@@daniellereynolds8759 Yeah I think this is a big thing for them. My FIL is a huge perpetrator of the whole, "well I prayed first, so my actions could not have been wrong, all of this is YOUR fault."
@daniellereynolds8759 This is exactly what happened to me, so there's one more for your theory
Thank you for adding the 'if that is something that's important to you and your relationship' As an asexual individual, it's something really small but also really meaningful that makes me know my identity is being thought of and included in the conversation🖤
I feel like theres something A LOT deeper than just "dry bones" in the bedroom...like maybe you both don't have chemistry? he doesn't just turn you on with how he is as a person? like...i think there's a lot here. (yes, i'm speaking to bethy specifically)
It saddens and angers me that they don't understand how much they're hurting young women. I struggle with sex and intimacy because of how badly my parents shamed me when I was in high school. It wasn't based in religion for the most part but the end results have left me looking for therapy and feeling upset because I cannot do these things. I don't want anyone else to go through this hell. I just wish they would stop talking and doing these things since they don't help
It's really great that Valentine's Day tip no. 1 is: Don't deal with difficult emotions (or really, even acknowledge them), just push them down and force yourself to enjoy making someone else happy. :/ Reminds me of the way I was raised, too.
Gotta remember that JOY is Jesus first, others second, and yourself last!
What a disturbing thing to teach a child.
I think a single woman on the Valentine Day should do exactly the same what an Protestant or Mormon woman does on the Day of Saint Mary of the Herbs or the Day of Saint Mary of Storm Candles.
@@autumnrambleuh..what's that
@@depressedphilosopherbitch7581 Whatever she wants.
You also notice when these people talk about premaritial counseling, a lot of the time they arent referring to actual counseling - they mean meeting with random people or friends at church
It’s also not just the problem it goes ‘0-100’ but when it was 0, it was shamed, and then when it goes to 100 it’s supposed to create pleasure or love. Shame is not easily changed so it’s not surprising so many have bad sex lives.
In this culture, being single *is* that upsetting. Your entire identity and self-worth in a fundamental culture as a woman is being a wife and mom. It's literally engrained in your psyche that's all you could ever amount to. The older you get, the more crushing being single is. It's not even about what *you* really want, it's about you being a failure. Those feelings took a LONG time to unpack, even once I abandoned religion, and is the reason why I stayed in toxic relationships despite being miserable for so long.
Exactly. I hate being single and feel like it's just one more way I failed as an adult: no marriage (former partner spent 13 years with me and wouldn't marry me; that's the only serious relationship I ever had), no kids, no steady job, no driver's license, no ability to drink or socialize in bars or do whatever adults are supposed to do. I've achieved no markers of adulthood, which is why being single hurts even more.
Yeah back when I was in church it was always so weird having purity culture shoved down my throat but thennnnn doing a 180 when it was time for the young women to get married. Buying lingerie for a church friend that never wore shorts above the knee was jarring. 😅
how can she be surprised about her incompatibility w her husband they literally didnt even kiss before marriage😭😭
I’m single on purpose AND one of my best friends is married and I get genuine enjoyment and happiness seeing a love and respecting relationship. Bethy sitting there and saying like “oh it’s so sad, take your mind off of being single!” screams of desperation and fear of being alone. By the way Bethy, this is going to sound crazy, but you can in fact be incredibly sad and lonely and isolated in a marriage lmao honestly I feel so sorry for people like her because she was told her only worth is through reproduction and the only happiness she can conceive of is marriage. Except that’s not how life works and marriage isn’t some magical wand wave where you’re led to some promise land of eternal happiness or whatever 🤦🏻♀️ these people see marriage as something to check off of a list and it’s sad.
“Get yourself into the mood,” ?But Bethany, you said we aren’t allowed to masterbate 😬🤦🏻♀️
Growing up in purity culture myself in an orthodox Mormon home, I can relate to what we're all witnessing these various Christian creators go through. When they had no experience of their own to draw on, they believed and had faith in what their loved ones and communities taught them. They honestly believed purity/chastity could lead them to happiness. They just needed that magical final piece: marriage!
Now that many of them have that, they are coming to the crippling realization that it *isn't* healing them. It *isn't* fixing them. It's not a magical threshold that they can finally be okay now that they've crossed it. All their struggles still exist, but now they have them with the complication of another person being intimately involved.
I was lucky enough to get to the place where I finally stopped questioning why I wasn't happy with the bent that it was my failing somehow. I finally was able to see that it was my religion that was failing me and my needs.
My spouse and I are happily separated now. They've come to understand that they are non-binary and grey asexual. I've come to understand that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, demisexual and kinky as all fuck. Purity culture and the Mormon religion made no space for us. No plan that could lead to us being happy. So, now, having left it behind, we are charting our own courses to happiness.
I don't know if Paul and Morgan and/or Girl Defined will ever find their way out. I agree with you that this is all very disingenuous, but it also smacks of the phase of apologetics, which will hopefully be followed by nuanced thinking, that are hallmarks of spiritual growth. They may go the way of God is Grey in time, becoming progressive believers. They may not.
Thank you for making this content @MikeyAtkins! I love your channel and the perspective you provide here! Thank you for dissecting this harmful content and pointing out the bullshit. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Omg, when you started talking about the "backdoor to God's secret design," I instantly thought of the song The Loophole by Garfunkel & Oates 😂
(aka "f*ck me in the a*s cause I love Jesus")
Ah yes, the old "poop hole loophole" lol
Every time bethy posts like: 💀 omg girlies NO don't settle so hard in your relationships!!!
seems like thats what she did. ngl.
@@kaitlynn1402 I agree. She's definitely not satisfied.
and also, if you are unsatisfied in your relationship, leaving it is always an option. No matter how close or distant of an option it may be. You can still work towards leaving a relationship even if its not as simple a process as walking out the door. Youre not bound or obligated to stay in a relationship for any reason. If youre not satisfied with your relationship, then youre not satisfied with your relationship and you deserve to have a satisfying relationship. How you can achieve that is up to you, but in the end, you dont have to stay partnered and miserable.
@@elleofhearts8471 try telling that to a fundamentalist woman tho..,like I agree it’s just I don’t think most of them are raised yo think like that
@@jamiezuzu7326 i could talk until im blue in the face, but people only accept what theyre ready to accept and I cant undo a lifetime of indoctrination/brainwashing in one conversation.
I agree that most fundi women are raised to scorn the prospect of divorce or singleness and idolize and idealize partnership just as much as their god. And that's like a murder of the spirit and personal peace.
When she said "trusted mentors" instead of "your fiance" at 24:46 my brain short-circuited.
Quite. They're taking sexual intimacy to be this deeply clinical problem when that isn't how it works.
The cynical side of me is persuaded that "going to a mentor" is done to prop up their coercive culture by pushing people to entrust leaders with their deep, personal matters and information.
@@user-mv5zt8qd9l Exactly, if you want to have sex you can't deal with it entirely in theory.
"The way to deal with your emotions is just to....not" oof that hit too close 😂 Would explain why my deconstruction was so painful too. You're just told not to listen to your "deceptive" heart, it's really damaging.
I’m so grateful to be able to listen to you Mickey, thank you for the amazing inclusive space you are creating. I’m kinda asexual (not really sure already) and every time someone talk about sexuality and exploring is ALWAYS prescriptive in a way or another. Masturbation is always a sin or a MUST to be a feminist/liberated and empowered woman. I always feel left out, I tried several things and time but masturbation is not appealing at all for me, every time I tried to be open about it I am deminished and label a “prude” or a “liar”. It’s really upsetting and honestly even with terapists sometimes is medicalized or frame as a problem to resolve.
Ugh that’s so frustrating! I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that. You’re so valid in your experience and *very much* not alone! You’re always safe to be exactly who you are here!
@@MickeyAtkins I'm not ace, but I would so dearly love to see you make some content (unless I misssed it?) about asexuality. I know that might not be your wheelhouse, though.
Me too!
Thank u so much ❤️❤️❤️ yes!! I’ll love to see some content about the ACE community if you’ve ever had the chance or time to
I'm not asexual but I've also felt pushed that as a woman I'm either "boring" if I'm not into really violent kinks or I'm a s*** if I don't wait for marriage or serious commitment. Even feminist spaces get co opted by "feminist" men and their opinions about us. As a woman nothing you ever do in terms of sexuality will be considered acceptable. It's ridiculous. There's no right or wrong way to enjoy (or not enjoy) s*x as long as you aren't harming other people along the way.
I’ve been single for 5 years now. And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Being single just works for me. I cannot imagine being happier and it infuriates me when people say “One day the right one will come along.” 🙄🙄 I don’t want them to! Lol I’m happy
Ikr and even if they did show up, you can’t even imagine what I’d want to scream in their face about how they weren’t there when I did want them, it’s too late, they took too long, f*ck them it’s over, etc. but our religious peers would say “but you’ve just met, how can you turn them down when you’ve only just met?” Blah blah blah! BS! You have any idea how hard it is for someone in my position to be able to experience that? It’s damn near impossible for people like me on the autism spectrum to experience that kind of relationship. Spare me the shame, I don’t want to hear it.
Love your content! Would love to see a whole video on toxic positivity... anyone else?
Yes please!!
You have my third vote!
Hell yes
Mickey, I just want to thank you for all of this amazing content. You have been such an integral part of my sexual healing journey. I grew up in that repressive and oppressive Christian cult, and the brainwashing has permanent affects. There are things I just don't think I'll ever be able to get over. I have strange quirks - for instance, I simply cannot bring myself to use my hands on myself during masturbation/sex with a partner. I still struggle with porn, though I've found cartoon porn and smut something I can enjoy because there's an element of psychological removal from reality with it. Anyway, I'm just glad to see time and time again how right I was to leave the church and its (not kinky) strangle hold behind.
Brittany I’m so happy that you’re feeling better and choosing you!! I’m happy to give any help and validation I can! You deserve it!
I know I'm just an internet stranger, but I am so sorry you experienced all of that and still have those struggles today - and I am also incredibly happy to hear that you've been healing and accessing joy! I wish you health and good vibes (pun intended) going forward!!!
@@FiddlebirdBlue I live for strangers on the internet! Over the years they have become some of my best mentors and closest friends. I'm actually helping my girlfriend of 3 years move into our apartment this weekend, and we started off as strangers on the internet!
I happy to hear that you've broken away from the that cult xx
I encourage you to not conflate the teachings of that cult with Christianity
Before you write Christianity off, I hope that you would read the bible and look into what Christianity actually is and the fact that Jesus lived their life we couldn't live and died the death we should've died, so that we can be reunited with God
Tbf I still don’t like porn because most of it is toxic and exploitative.
You could be reacting to that.
You know, with a lot of these women you review who claim they basically need to force themselves to get into the mood, it makes me wonder how many are just asexual and have no clue because "Go FoRtH aNd MuLtIpLy".
Not just that but also realising they may have other conditions making it harder for them to be in the mood, women who grow in cultures like the one GD propagates often believe women don't like to have sex or have much lower libidos than their husbands always.
I was raised in a very religious environment, and I didn't date until college. When I did get my first boyfriend (now husband) I would break down crying after every time we kissed or made out, because I felt so so guilty. We dated for a couple years before we got married and I continued to feel like a terrible person. It definitely was a huge strain on our relationship and didn't just magically get better after we got married. We're no longer religious and being free of the guilt is the best feeling.
I discovered for my own sex life with my partner that my libido can stagnate if I'm not feeding and maintaining it. So I have steamy texts with my partner, read steamy books, etc and that helps keep my desire alive when it's time to get aroused with my partner. But, I've also had to work hard on asking for the foreplay that I need, because that absolutely is something we need to be sharing together, and is not my responsibility to just take care of on my own.
mickey i am such a stan u don’t understand. My partner was like which is the lady you watch all the time? and i was like mickey atkins. and they were like OHHHH okay. i’ve gotten them to watch you too hehe.
I 100% related to the “some people choose to be single/singleness is not a disease” part 😂 About 3 years ago, when I was 19, I dated a 29 year old man who took advantage of me in most ways bc I was super naive and trusting (and being MUCH older than me, he knew that). I barely escaped that relationship. Ever since then I’ve been EXTREMELY content being single. Like Valentine’s Day goes by and I’m not even a little bit sad about the fact that I don’t have a partner. I still fuck, yeah, but I don’t need or want a relationship- and I think a LOT of people can relate to that sentiment. I’m so sick and tired of this culture peddling the idea that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a partner, or that even if you say you’re happy, carefree, and content with not having a partner that you’re secretly sad, miserable, and lonely on the inside (bc how could you ever be happy when you’re alone?). 😂 sometimes single people *choose*/*want* to be single 😂
Mickey,, you're legitimately the coolest 🥰 Thank you for all your inclusiveness, open mindedness, respect, genuineness, all you bring to the table on these topics. You are doing "god's" work lol 😉 But seriously, you're making a difference out there, keep it up Mickey ❤❤❤❤ We need many more like you out there.
Thank you so much for that! It can feel like *a lot* sometimes but y’all are the best community and make it all worth it! 🥰
When she describes arousal as bringing her to life
***WAKE ME UP***
Bethy girl this is sad. Bless her heart
“There’s a back door to God’s design!” I lost it here 😂😂
I’d like to believe their revisionist history of suddenly accepting wearing lingerie & other things is because they’ve realized their messaging about being “sexually broken” people was bad, but I’m doubting that’s the reason.
Even in the first TikTok, it's delivered in the guise of "you can't expect to bring dead bones into the bedroom; you have to do the work on your own to find the sex enjoyable." The onus is still firmly on the female partner to be available sexually even when they're not in the mood or being satisfied.
And they ask why some women don't want marriage.
I'm so grateful to have found your channel recently, I have many issues with sexuality, anxiety, depression that include shame, disgust etc. I have so many questions that need answering and can't wait to dive into your video history. You're uhh mazing! I love how you just cut to the chase and don't beat around the bush, no pun intended...
Hey Mickey. Good work again my fine Sista. At 52 and a gay atheist I find that I am very happy being single. Ive had many a romp through my twenties and thirties and have been celibate for about twenty years. In celibacy, I found masturbation a wonderful way of working through my sexual hang-ups and discovering a nice sense of maturity within my gay persona. All I want to do now is dedicate the rest of my life to University and research into Psychology and then leave the world a better place. These fundamentalists are being brainwashed into thinking that it's about marriage and having to have someone. In my opinion, I seriously feel that its just about pumping out more fundamentalists to go forth and take over the world.
They put such an emphasis on sex that it becomes this almost mythical thing. Then they have it and they're like, "Oh, that's it? I thought there would be literal fireworks..." Well, yeah, "that's it" because sex is just a thing animals do. Maybe if they didn't have such a weird view of it drilled into their heads every day they might have gone out and experienced it to figure out what they like and what they don't. I've had great sex and I've had bad sex, but I didn't make having sex my entire personality and the pinnacle of my existence.
I'm glad you mentioned drag. I'm so so shocked by the puritanical attitudes drag. In the UK it's part of our culture. Pantomime goes back as far as the 16th century. There are Pantomimes every Christmas up and down the country and this would banned in Tenassee! Also I'm single and loving it!
Same here in Germany. One of the greatest honours when you live as a man in Cologne is to portrait the Virgin during Carnival as part of the Dreigespann. You have to proof yourself and spend an awful lot of money and time before you are even considered for the list of candidates. The only ones that ever had a problem with it where the Nazis.
@@sisuguillam5109 I'm gonna Google that. Seems really interesting
@@liz-qq9kb it is! And maybe you can come to Germany one day and celebrate Fasching/Karneval yourself?
Same in Ireland, we literally have multiple Pantos every year at Christmas, they are aimed at kids, and men dressing up as women was always part of it. These days those parts are played by drag queens and it's completely not a big deal
@@HollyComstock15 Right! Can you imagine the response if someone tried to stop pantos! It would cause uproar! Even if they said 'no widow twanky'! Or mr Tumble being forced to axe aunt polly! No Paul OGrady because no Lily Savage! No Bagga Chips popping up on every other advert!
I kind of forgot about how awkward some people feel being single on valentine's day. Or rather, not individual people, but subcultures that generate such shame about being single. I was just stoked to buy candy at a massive discount on the 15th. But it makes me feel sad and upset that people feel this pressure, that people feel so lonely in themselves and feel personal failure about being single. Wanting to be partnered or being partnered is great but people really NEED to be allowed to feel secure in themselves as single people, single femmes, knowing that being single doesn't mean you're broken or defective in ANY way.
So they believe women should be available to their husbands sexually at all times, only for making a baby, and also they can't want sex but they have to please their husband....?
It’s interesting that her idea of “warming up” is putting on laundry. She’s thinking about getting ready to *be sexy* not *be sexual* like the two are related and wanting to be sexy is great. But there’s nothing about getting ready to enjoy, only to take pleasure from being enjoyed.
I’m one of those people who grew up in purity culture and really struggled to “flip the switch” to being super sex positive and free because internally there’s still so much shame around the concept. In fact my husband and I did explore sexually a little bit before, as it felt natural and consensual, and were so so so heavily shamed/rebuked for it… that makes me so sad now, as I see it as it was the natural progression of our love and closeness to each other :/
OMG, I read "Dry Bones in the Bedroom" and I was thinking it was a criticism of the guy, but then OF COURSE it's all the woman's fault!
Bethys tip about avoiding stores on Valentine's day is pretty good actually lol. I went grocery shopping on Valentine's day and it was an absolute madhouse 😵💫
Bethy, "Just avoid the stores."
Single retail workers: ........
I adore your videos and have been watching for a number of months now. There is something delightfully cathartic about your approach to these topics and I giggle every time you say, "Pushes my f*cking buttons!" You're doing good work and are also very entertaining. I have a long-term partner and still chose to spend Valentine's Day by myself, getting high and watching dumb movies! I feel both disgusted by and sympathy for these fundie women because even though they are actively spreading shame and misinformation, they are also victims. Thank you for the amazing work you do and the wonderful content you create 💜
I completely agree about the clothing. They contrdict themselves. Ttw made a video about it being our fault as women dressing a way is our faults for men who can't control themselves. How about men learn control like a decent person?
Mickey!! I just have to say THANK YOU for all this awesome educational content , it has helped me become more emotionally aware and definitely a kinder friend, partner, and teacher:) I really appreciate what youre doing because you help put words to things I don’t have words for :) Thanks for doing what you do!
‘Calling it self-cultivation and lighting a lavender candle doesn’t make it godly’ I would buy that shirt 😂
"A Christian White Woman told me that sexuality and maturation is OK, so now *I'm* OK with it!!"
That's a line from a recent reaction episode from Jordan and McCay (two Former Mormons) where Bethany interviewed another Christian blogger/influencer who's a lot more liberal in her views...but not by **that** much
Mikey, I also don't like to speak perscriptively about what people should or shouldn't do but, you need merch with "pushes my fucking buttons" on it. I get that it can get a little sticky with curse words and such, but I truly think this is something that the world needs, or at least me.
That being said the banana pancakes stuff is friggin adorable and I plan on getting some soon.
I remember when i was sad about being single because i was in this culture. When i realized i didn't need another, but might want someone someday, i was much less upset or unhappy on Valentine's.
I grew up in the Seventh-Day Adventist church, which I now know is a fundamentalist religion, and it's absolutely insane to me watching all of your videos on Paul and Morgan and Girl Defined. While they do take certain things farther than my specific family did (like the woman of the house being solely a homemaker), a lot of things are absolutely on par with the beliefs I grew up being taught. I no longer associate with the church and have known for a while that their beliefs are pretty backwards, but I guess I never realized that the beliefs were so much different from normal Christian beliefs. It's crazy to watch your videos and here you say now certain things are very much fundamentalist only and not normal Christian beliefs, with those beliefs being EXACTLY what I was taught growing up. I still have trauma from the religion I'm trying to overcome, and I just want to thank you for these videos. They've really opened my eyes more than ever before and make me feel extremely validated.
Bruh not even with a gun to my head would i ever say what bethy just said on the actual internet???? Also hell ya I'm loving that so many of my fave lady creators are getting sponsored by Bellesa 💕💕
Yeah, I feel bad for the husband...
Thank you for this video Mickey! Finding your channel was the final straw that convinced me to start pursuing a therapy degree myself and I'm wrapping up my first year of college :)
Just found your channel and don't typically comment. The most I know about fundie culture is what I've learned from Fundie Fridays, another channel I recently found. Maybe the algorithm is getting better after all? But I digress. The only point I really needed to make is that I could never take a grown person seriously if they go by Bethy. I mean, seriously? Thank you for being able to stay on message after all the times you had to say Bethy. You didn't even make a weird face or anything. That's how I know you're a professional. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Imagine being her husband and having your wife put out to all of these people that essentially you have trouble “exciting her” if you don’t get your chores done.
Mickey, that hair looks damn good😭💕
I’m bringing a photo to my stylist (when I have some money)😅
I’m the kind of person who dye her hair every meltdown (once a month) in crazy color, but not so skilled yet ahahaha
Please make merch of a picnic basket that says “there’s so much to unpack here” written on it lol
thank you for inclusive language! 💗
Love how respectful Mickey is 💗
As always, this conversation about marriage and love and relationships is almost always extremely exclusionary to Aromantic and asexual people. So I always appreciate you for talking about people who may not even want sex or romance.
Just a side note … I have so much going on in my life with my mental health and am struggling - your videos calm me down and make me laugh at the same time so thank you ❤
I feel a lot of sadness for those who died without feeling like there was enough space for their emotions. I hope I get to meet them to let them know that they were enough, their emotions were enough, and there was enough space for that. I wish it was possible to mourn for everyone and everything.
Can you imagine telling yourself you need to get yourself excited to be disappointed?
your videos have helped me talk to my boyfriend about sex and honestly just navigate my relationship better
growing up Christian myself, I am so thankful that the first day of college at a private Christian school, we had a speaker come in to tell us "masturbation is GOOD and here's why" with like, a biblical background to it. It really helped me feel less shame about myself, especially since at that time, I was sex-repulsed and had never really explored my own body out of fear/guilt.
Oh my gosh please tell me what they said and what the background was! I need this I’m struggling with this!
@@designerdiva423 oh, geez, that was over 10 years ago now.... I would love to help you more specifically, but the mindset I came away with was, Our bodies are our own and God made them for us, so we should feel free to explore and love ourselves physically. We take care of our bodies with eating and exercise, and basically so long as you're not like lusting after something specific, masturbation is a great way to help you relax and feel happy when you're down. :) I hope that makes sense!
It's frustrating how much the stigma of being single is. I still get occasionally asked when I'll get married even though I'm focused on saving up for a move & am not looking to starting dating at the moment as I still remember the last time I was kind of pushed into a relationship in highschool when I wasn't looking for one. It thankfully ended on good terms & it taught me that it's both okay to be single & that when I'm ready to start dating it will be because the woman I'm wanting to date & I both want to not something we're forced into. For now I will spend valentine's day doing some much needed self care & self-love by eating a box of chocolates & watching horror movies
I remember the first time I masturbated when I was a teenager, I felt so much shame for it. Like, I thought I was a huge sinner, that I was bad, and I would never do it again. And every time I would give in to the desire, I’d go through it all again. One time, I even gave myself a time limit. I could masturbate until Easter because Jesus would wash away my sins. I didn’t stop after Easter. So the shame and guilt continued, until I worked through that religious trauma.
Growing up and being told I’m a used piece of gum, or that I am responsible for “my brothers in Christ stumbling,” really messed me up, because on top of it, I’d been SAed. So really, in Christianity, I would be considered used already.
I guess that’s why the shift makes me mad now, especially because it doesn’t go far enough. It doesn’t get rid of the shame and guilt I went through, and it’s harming another generation of kids.
Belief It or Not has a GREAT video in his 7 deadly sins series about lust. The problem in Christianity is sex is the only thing that is both a sin, AND something that is supposed to be “beautiful and celebrated” as soon as you get married. Most of us can’t just flip that switch in our brain! I got married at 20 and I never had an orgasm with my first husband. I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t. And I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about that. I’m 31 now and have been divorced (and recently remarried) and went through a long stage of experimenting sexually to figure out what works for me and I finally reached a point where I know how to reach satisfaction. I talk to my younger sister about sex (just very generalized check-ins and giving her space to ask questions if she ever has any) because I don’t want her to be in the same space I was.
Headcannon that Bethy listened to Evanescence before recording that video
good afternoon Mickey! happy Saturday🌞
It's so funny how now she's changing her ideas because she's realizing things aren't actually working. I could have sworn that all of that stuff was bad before. I could have sworn they were talking about how getting yourself mentally stimulated was bad. Isn't it funny to watch them realize that they were full of s*** before
I am so curious about how much of a role religion plays in directly and indirectly creating and widening of the orgasm gap.
100% if it weren't for purity culture, my parents probably would have had a summer fling, my mom would've realized my dad was bad for her and they would have moved on.
It’s really weird to me how fundies just go: “the world is obsessed with sex,” but literally I’ve never met a sexually confident person that always talked about sex. Sex is literally like 10% or less of what I think or talk about in a week. Granted I’m on the Ace spectrum but still. Normal people really do not think about sex as much as they think we do lmao
I just want to say thank you for making this content. I grew up in an extremely fundamentalist Christian community .I’m am in my 40s now, and still working on deconstructing all that shit. Being able to hear an articulate, qualified person respond directly to this type of messaging is important, and so helpful! I’m so grateful.
Every time she says "bring me to life" Evanescence starts playing in my head