Why you never feel safe in a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
You don't feel safe because you are not safe.
Pat Riley true
Exactly
True
In fact so simple . We make things complicated by enduring all that shit
In a relationship with a narcissist, there is no stability, consistency, comfort, or predictability. Who could be safe not knowing what may happen moment to moment. I was told, "I need you to trust me completely." I responded that I couldn't because he was sometimes very emotionally unpredictable, becoming angry with me for no reason whatsoever - and he became furious!
This lack of feeling safe takes a terrible toll on one's nervous system and immune system.
Heidi yes! Her video yesterday was very enlightening. Lots of auto immune diseases from being on edge with a narc
Hi Heidi. I agree 100%. I was raised by a severely narcissistic mother and the complex trauma and wounding has left me having neurological problems and a whole host of chronic illnesses, that I know are from absorbing all of that insanity. It's something that not a lot of people agree with but it is becoming scientifically proven that if you have lived with this kind of trauma your body will absorb it and you will have health conditions for sure. Thank you for your comment. I think it's important that people realize that. I hope that you take good care of yourself and I hope you're not suffering too much with health conditions.
Yes, absolutely, your adrenals are running full tilt, eventually they become exhausted.
I feel that
right!!!! my heartbeat becomes rapid simply waking up in the morning because I'm antisipating "what next?" I'm frozen all day until the drama kicks in! it's horrifying.
The ever present threat of being manipulated, harmed, and used.
Right ?! Fk it single for life 🤷🏾♂️ mental health is imperative to have a consistent quality of life for me . Good luck out there
persistently driven well stated
and devalued
You said it perfectly.
what is a bt/s survivor?
You can’t feel safe with these people, they don’t want you relaxed , is a way to keep you distracted from everything else.
No you sure can't. Lots of confusion and chaos.
Yes, that's why you sometimes need to have patience like a prophet, being aware of this and not giving in.
Unable to focus, what's wrong with this picture and those in it!
Trevor Bacque Pathetically, all by design.
Indeed
Life with a narcissist is a zero-sum game. In order for the narc to feel safe and secure, the other person has to feel destabilized and like they are constantly walking on thin ice.
SparkJoy spot on. What is peace for us it is a dangerous and nightmare place to be to them. they need to rub us of from our balance and happiness so they can mess with our head and senses way more effective. That's their way to break down their subjects. In my opinion these creatures are not human only their body is.
Yup, they throw you curbs where there are not! Guess what? I was born with a very weak eye, deemed legally blind on my right side. That means seeing 3-D a challenge, boy do I have a balance problem, knee surgery to prove it on that side!
You don't feel safe because abusive behaviour might come your way at any time.
Niles Guy- I'm living the exact same nightmare. 8 years I will never get back. This video nailed it, I don't think I Will ever recover from this.
True. What's made it so bad for me is when it happens seconds after I made the mistake of thinking to myself how "we're getting along so well". Once while on vacation w/ our 4yr old grandson I thought,"we make a good team," the next words out of his mouth were telling me how I needed to shut up & stop telling him where to put the cameras in the backpack & let him do it his way,the better way. My grandson stood between us. I was shocked into silence. Later when I brought it up to him,he of course denied having said anything like that. That was the day I realized he has a serious hatred for me. GOD help me get out of this relationship. He disrespected me in front of my daughter now my grandson. I can't stand the sound of his voice most days because theres always the possibility he'll say something hurtful in the middle of a regular conversation then tell me I'm too sensitive. He can't tolerate anything but praise or he's wounded. I no longer give it to him so it'll be over soon I'm sure.
Yes
@@cjok8367 I'm sorry for what you're going through. May God bless you, keep and carry you!
@@cjok8367 Be strong 💪 I’m going through the same thing. Big hugs to you. We will make it through.
I walked on eggshells with my ex ( narcissist husband ) Finally got up the courage to leave. Was afraid he'd kill me but I got away. Life with him was Hell for 20 yrs. And it's been 20 yrs since I left. I remarried . A wonderful man who treated me so good I almost couldn't get used to it. I've never been that happy. He passed away 6 yrs ago. If you're in a narccistic relationship GET OUT !!. PLEASE!
So easy for people to say this 😒
Trying
Thank you for sharing your experience of removing yourself. I appreciate it alot. Tells me it can be done. And I’m very sorry for your loss of your partner. Wishing you all the best, TJ in U.K.
I'm almost 50 and just got out. I don't trust anyone but you give me hope may be there is someone out there that's nice and trustworthy. I'm so scared to start over n I don't even trust my own intuition and judgement. I.miss the imaginary man he was before his mask fell off n the lies were revealed. just devastating.
How? It is so dangerous with children. I don't want to leave my children to him
I never felt safe, I remember being a baby feeling that way. I grew up with that. Today I still deal with that sensation.
Me too!! Isn't it Tragic.
Same here .
Omg same...lately I’ve been really tryna figure out perhaps the first time I felt that but I know I use to feel that way around my dad n he is a narc I haven’t talked to him in over 5yrs now
I grew up with it, but didn't understand until a couple of months ago why I always felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious as a child
Mar Ana, I'm with you - me too.
After leaving a narcissist it's like you can take a breath. You feel a little bit safer.....you're going thru withdrawal...a mourning....but it is so much easier to breathe a little. You are free to do whatever you want. You aren't under their critical thumb. That first breath of freedom is a Godsend.
I love this comment. Perfectly said. So true!
Exactly. "You are living in the past". Well yes, I am. Because it was so horrible and I never experienced 'a normal life'.
This.
SAME!
The past is over and you don't have to go back which recreates it for the rest of your life every time you go back. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You don't have to analyze everything to heal, but find the good in life and find people who treat you well.
Sounicka Zet. I completely understand. I feel the same way. Here is something that encourages me immensely. A promise found in the Bible at Isaiah 65:17. For look! Here I am creating new heavens and a new earth; And the former things will not be called to mind, Nor will they come up into the heart.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that. It's been my experience that the ones that behaved badly in the past are the ones that don't want it brought up. If I hadn't examined my past I would not have figured out what was happening to me therefore better protecting myself. I do have trouble with ruminating too much but I think the past should be paid attention to. Seems like the narcissists & flying monkeys would rather I have amnesia.
I can’t believe the amount of time it is taking to heal. It really is a demonic thing to deny a victims reality and society does it so often. Your videos makes invisible folks like myself get our health back. Thank you so much.
I agree! The depth & severity of the damage never ceases to amaze me, even after 30 years on my healing journey away from my only sister.♥️
Its difficult when out 8n the world the service providers are of the generations that seem to be liking in empathy, hate boomers and don't listen. So the already shaky sense of safety gets reinforced as un safe. I've had a cashier at a drive through through all my coin change at me because I couldn't understand her accent, so in effect I was assaulted by coins I called for the manager, who was same ethnicity who saw the situation and slammed the window closed and locked it. These kind of encounters on top of the narc at home....yikes.
@@windsordance3698 I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this too. Huge hugs
When you've seen what people are capable of, it naturally makes you wary. You've gone through the door you can't go back through, you can't unsee what you've seen. Now you know that people can do horrendous things and still seem completely normal. ANYONE you meet, regardless of how wonderful they seem, could be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't beat yourself up, just appreciate that you're having a normal reaction after being confronted with the evil that is possible in people.
This so prevalent in the workplace...you fund yourself in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.
You can't feel vulnerable, you can't express your real feelings, you just can't be yourself with the narc! It's like you think things maybe okay, but suddenly you are flung around into a huge spin and by the time you recuperate, there is another roller-coaster ride and this cycle continues to that point that you start doubting yourself. And the Worst part, no one close to you (family or friends) know what has really happened to you. They think you are the one who is just complaining for no reason. Fear just grows. I was forced to leave my job due this fear and threats in the relationship. I was so afraid, that I feared even to go back to the house I stayed with her after office! Unfortunately I have no friends at all now and the loneliness is just beyond words that I can explain. I am still running/jogging, praying, meditating, had been to some therapy (stopped this as it was expensive for long-term) and still looking for a job. It's a process. Also I just hope I can find a friend.
P.S.: Dr. Ramani thank you so much . You understand what we go through so perfectly.
sending you srtenght💫
Sending you positive and warm hugs❤️ I'm in the same path righ now
@@rosettarosetta9686 Thanks
@@larendijacosmica Thanks Gaby.
This is how I feel about cultural issues that are not popular to discuss, despite the fact they are inherently toxic.
Dating after a narcissisticly abusive relationship is difficult. It takes a very empathetic and emotionally healthy partner to patiently wade through the pervasive aftermath.
I haven't recovered enough to try yet.
This is so true. I know my partner was sent to me because NO ONE ELSE on earth would go through what he's been through. He's very special.
Was I the issue with my gf? Because I felt like she was a covert narc (all the red flags, discomfort throughout the relationship) but she blamed it on me being paranoid, that was distrustful despite her proving to me otherwise. I think what destroyed my trust with her was when I found texts of her talking disrespectfully about me behind my back, saying that she wants to be toxic due to something I said or did. Idk I just felt unsafe with her but I’m wondering if I was just the problem and too traumatized?
Oddly i have always automatically trusted people, as if seeking a nurturing person in my life, but as soon as something triggers me about them- mostly betrayal , i cant trust again. Same end result...isolation
I think I was naively trusting because I had trustworthy adults in my life as a child. I grew up in a wonderful, close-knit multicultural neighborhood, up until high school. Because even our neighbors were so nice, I ended up thinking people are inherently good, generous and caring - only to learn in my adulthood (in other places) that many are severely damaged and dangerous.
Me too, I understand this 100%
Hard to feel safe once you realize you’re dealing with a soul sucking con artist who can’t keep their mask on anymore. ✌🏼
Just get away from the people who hurt you and don't go back. Parents may mellow out when older, but then don't take it personally any more since they are their best self even if not perfect.
Literally.
@@Shasha8674 Typically narcissists get worse as they get older. If the person mellows out, they probably weren't narcissistic to begin with.
@@danielkaiser8971 Gluten issues may get worse with age and they are less healthy unless they change their diet. Usually it is the natural help people who mention about gluten and not Conventional doctors so many people never get help, but instead drugs to cover symptoms with many side effect which really don't help. People do mellow out due to being lonely and desperate for people to help/have company. Labels like narcissism etc. have a spectrum depending on what they eat and amount of sunlight they get which helps gluten issues. People can heal, but may not get the right kind of help. ADD/narcissism/Bipolar/depression/anxiety/no sleep/panic/suicidal thoughts/codependency/eating disorders/addictions etc can be due to gluten.
@@Shasha8674 Gluten issues are resolved in the absence of gluten. When the absence of gluten is established, what remains cannot be attributed to gluten.
These videos are so reassuring and make me feel validated and calm. It’s like yes, someone has put into words what I have endured. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! God bless you.
so true
Me too.
I feel exactly the same 🙏
Absolutely x
It's funny, I never felt safe with my parents or my husband, I felt safe for the first time when I moved out on my own in my early 50s.... late 50s now, still on own and loving it, oh the freedom is wonderful. Took a while to get used to realising i can do whatever i like whenever i like and nobody is going to say "you can't do that, or say that". Dr Ramani is spot on.
Love reading this!
@@UCZG thank you, it is so true, anyone can get out and really start to live. I know a lot of women that are scared to be on their own, but I think that comes from the gaslighting that is going on, and the sheer confusion it causes that you don't actually know it's happening. I have no family but have great friends... it helps that I love my own company too😊
@@sharlesb7735 I agree.... maybe your example will help others
At 51 I feel I have to do the same.
@@frankfranco3626 you won’t regret it. Make a plan and don’t tell anyone unless you can truly trust them. Take one day at a time. For your own peace of mind. And down the track, yes there will be the good times that you miss but remember all the twisted game playing and mind games and that they would only get worse if you go back because they know they can control you again. Best wishes to you.
I’m experiencing this right now, and it’s not a very good feeling. From the damage my narcissistic mother has caused me, yes I admit it, I have trust issues and am afraid of being gaslit again. Anyone else who is experiencing this you have my sympathy and I wish all of you well in your healing journey. Thank you Dr. Ramani for another great video. ❤️
Hi hon, stay no contact, keep telling that witch to screw off!
RELATE!!!! I was raised buy a severely narcissistic mother as well. And I have never felt safe ever and I'm 62 years old now. I've been through so much therapy it's unbelievable. And still I have those deep wounds from the trauma I endured. I never want to be in another relationship again ever. I just can't trust the other person because I have been in relationships that were so toxic I'd rather be alone. I really felt your comment. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
@@Oceans780 Hi. Thanks for your reply. I wish I could understand what you meant.
Go no contact. Stay no contact.
@@josephuk2609 hi Joseph. I don't know if your reply was meant for me or not. If it was meant for me as I stated I'm 62 years old now I went no contact in my forties my early forties. That's the only way to do it, no contact whatsoever. Have a great day.
This is one of the best videos yet about gaslighting and the narc. The narc is ice cold and self involved. Yes, a lack of empathy. There is always drama. As soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out. It is as if real intimacy is threatening to them. They always ruin closeness. My heart goes from feeling love to feeling isolation and being shut out for no reason. It is so painful. IT IS LIKE A WHIPSAW.
Yes good analogy on your part. Funny what you wrote, come to think about it 'they are' more comfortable ruining a good time than just a good old fashioned that's all folks, they definitely worsen with age, it was covert's mom's downfall, no wonder she fought it ageing so hard, dementia probably a friend to her in the end, oh how she hates being 'in' all day, but that's karma!
@vicki “as soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out”. Yes. That explains SO much of my confusion over the years... like, what just happened?
WHY is intimacy so horrible for them? Why can’t they feel safe and content when love is exchanged?
@@kellystrait1341 Money is their God.
Do you refer to intimacy as solely sex or more than that ?
There is always the issue of "drama" where the four cluster B personality disorders are concerned, also referred to as the "narcissistic spectrum" or the "dramatic spectrum" personality disorders.
Since I’ve been healing, I’ve cleaned up my friends circle. When I confronted a (ex) friend about her behaviour, she straight up gaslite me. It was so black and white. Once I saw this I completely said, nope, not here, not ever again.
Surviving narcissism makes you feel like a wild animal. Hyper cautious, suspicious, reactive, defensive
💯💯💯
Relatable
Absolutely spot on
@@justmemother2!!! Your name is my favorite
YES.
I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, when I realized what a toxic situation I was in: The fact that I wasn't safe with my "closest" family members. The people I was supposed to be safest with, were instead the ones hurting me most. Really tough pill to swallow!!
It just feels good there is a science to explain what we go through
Always you are an angel for us Dr.Ramani.
I wait for your videos every day! When I was fully entwined in the abuse I would listen to you to go to sleep :) It breaks my heart that in 45mins 2.5k people have viewed this video.. we’re all searching for clarity xx
Same. I entered another narc relationship recently. Ended it right away. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I'm married with a narc, 38 years feeling alone in the middle of the ocean, growing up my children and solving the problems always alone.
Maria:Yes, 37 years, raising children, solving problems, Always Alone! My heart weeps for you.
Maria I am glad you are taking steps to reach out & share your experience with others who understand & are willing to listen. I hope this will help you feel less alone. Sending support your way! 🌹🙏
@@vicbaker8367 thank you
@@marren6323 thank you
Maria though it may feel you are alone, God sees you. He loves you and knows every tear you have cried. Read his word, hear him speaking to you. Feel him wrap his big, loving arms around you and hold you. He knows everything about you. I want you to know he died for you. You are not alone. He is with you everyday.
Incredible, when you start to see that you have created so many ways to watch what you say, do, to not set off the narcissist.
No safety=eggshells
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. What I learned is to listen to my gut...and never to jump into the deep end of the pool again.
I love the "baked-in" description of mistrust from a narcissistic family of origin you gave
Yes. Perfect description!
Thank you Dr Ramani. The stress of being in Narcissistic relationships and being raised by a narcissist showed up in my body in the form of an stomach ulcer. I never felt safe at home with my mother and never knew when she would just go into a rage! When I was about 25 years old the dr told me that the ulcer had eaten out the lining of my stomach as if I was an alcoholic and I was not a drinker. It was due to the stress on my body. It is vital to our lives to stay out of high stress situations. Like myself, I realize I can’t handle it! The feeling of lack of safety is unhealthy long term. And it will manifest itself through sickness as your body is indicating it’s had enough. Take care everyone. Love yourself
I was very hyper-vigilant. My father was a covert narcissist and an alcoholic.
Gluten may cause alcoholism/narcissism/codependency etc.. They crave the gluten in alcohol and gluten hurts the stomach/intestines so less nutrients absorb which can affect the brain/body/health issues/personality/mood/addictions.
Sabine, my experience is like yours. I am sending you healing energy, and blessings.
Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for your remarkable insight. I feel at age 59, that I've suddenly woken up to realize how many flipping narcissists I've been dealing with all my life. And, yes, I had a narcissist mother who was charming to everyone but me and my father. She'd show her true character to others, then wonder why she lost so many dear friends.
I always wondered why with some people I felt uptight and extremely uncomfortable all the time.
The day I left my ex I said “I am scared you’re going to speak to me like this again. In fact I know you will. I don’t trust that you won’t intentionally hurt me again. I don’t trust that you will keep yet another promise. I am SCARED I am starting to lose my sanity.” And I couldn’t live like that. I was exhausted.
Exactly what I'm going through after finally get out of a toxic narcissistic relationship!!
I just talked to my mom until half hour before Dr. R posted this video about how I wasn't feeling safe as a child while my dad was alive and how that stuck with me growing up. Yesterday was 20 years since he died. He checked off a lot of narcissistic boxes 😔
My condolences. May you find peace
@@Niles-Guy Thank you, you're most kind. I'm in therapy, hoping for the best. 🤞
Hope you're OK. Empathising and praying for you.
@@MazBringsby Thank you so much. ❤ I'm working through this trauma.
@@donato286 My mom is still in denial.
Don't let that get to you. Maintain your truth.
Don't wait your whole life waiting for confirmation/assurance from her. It was probably *EVEN MORE* difficult for her to deal with.
Having that kind of standpoint in the background kinda helps me not fuel resentment and preserve sanity.
All the best and God bless you.
His unexpected silent treatment continually made me feel unsafe. Plus the projections and rage. If you said something he didn’t like and you never knew what could trigger that, he would walk out of a restaurant, hang up on you, walk out of the house and not speak to you for days.
This is so true, I never felt truly safe, on reflection it was the deep down feeling that I knew that my partner was loosely hinged and he was also in control of my life... 35 years together, 17 months No Contact. Thank you Dr Ramani.
How did you do it? Final straw?
Congratulations!💪👍
Gwen13061 The final straw was bad...
AJ I understand.
Gwen13061 Thank you... I'd like to say that leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done but it wasn't. The last few years of living with my husband who was a Covert Narcissist (I had no idea) was worse. You try and protect yourself but you can't. I have my Freedom now I'm pleased to say...
It’s not living in the past ; it’s dealing with the current PTSD and or trauma. Better to not try to educate people to what we learned and endured.; if they didn’t endure it they will never fully understand it.
During the last narcissistic relationship I was in, I found myself frequently dreaming that a man was trying to break into my space, by prying open the door/ somehow getting in against my wishes. It was some time after I had finally made 'no contact' with the narcissist, that I realized that I no longer had these anxiety-producing dreams/ nightmares. Talk about my subconscious telling me I wasn't feeling safe/ that my life was being 'invaded' by someone whose presence I didn't want!
I always laugh at the timing of the videos, perfect. Not trusting is exhaustion, deflated. He’s so textbook that I see it for what it is and I thank you, it’s a journey alone. The family isn’t ready yet and I understand, I’m tip toeing it also. Peace ☮️ I love you doctor, in all the right not weird ways ☀️
Thank you doc ramani.. This is what I felt to my bf now.. Everything is always for him.. I can't tell everything I want to tell because he's the one who always talk and right.
@Mary Carroll thanks for this ♥️
Thank you so much, your work has helped me and others so much and always continues to 🌞💓
You nailed it Dr Ramini; I haven’t heard anyone address this particular issue the way you did here.
It’s also sad to know I probably won’t spontaneously fall in love but I’m more likely to interview people I really watch what people show me about themselves and that feels cynical.
@Mary Carroll I agree Mary !
this explains so much, it goes so well with her "why there is a lack of safety in narcissistic relationships" video. it helps me understand where my PTSD comes from. it was hard for me to find the source of things, but now i know why. my narc mother, my underhanded enabler narc father, and one of my ex boyfriends. my safe place was always my animals, and animals in general. i always felt safer with animals than i did people. i also felt safer in nature than with people. i still do. the person i feel the safest with is my husband and my cousin, but i am still working on that too.
Thank you for this video
I didn’t feel safe in my own home, the day came where he hit me and pushed me, jumped at my 13 year old daughter. Thank God he is gone. It will be scary but I’m happy he is gone. Time to heal
So true, not being yourself is exhausting?
It's also a lack of trust for them which also creates a lack of safety you never know when they might go off on you
The only need that is lower (on hierarchy of needs) than safety is food & water. Wow.
It's amazing how exact you are... the hard thing is really that people don't understand and they beleive him.
Thank you for posting videos about this.
I didn’t feel safe growing up, yet my parents convinced me, and still try to convince me, that I need them to feel safe.
I was just thinking of all of this yesterday and this video is so true. I have figure out for me the feeling of feeling safe was: we think all the people are looking or expecting us to be a people pleaser and they need to control us. So I remain authentic and I could feel the it was related to those projection of the narc and nothing else. Believing in ourselves without having expectation and trusting others is new path for a better life. We repeat the projections in others of the narc in others for a safe place. I learn to recreate my own safe place pattern and its working I notice that everytime we are good and strong the narc try to keep us away from our comfort zone because they want to control but focusing of my comfort space gives me protection and limiting time with narc is a must. The body keeps scores with those narc and listen to my body when I don't feel good in the presence of a narc is important to take care. :-) thanks again for this wonderful video.
Yes this is the exact disruption I’m having in my life.
Sends your central nervous system into overdrive. Once you leave you really start to realize how you were consistently always in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, for the duration of the relationship, for the most part. Eventhough you're able to finally breathe, and relax after you leave, the reality of the damage the relationship did to you hits you. You realize just how bad things actually were, and the aftermath is devastating. It hurts, it leaves you upset with yourself, and aware of how its changed you.💔
Hi Dr Romani, I doubt you will get the chance to see this but I just wanted to thank you. About 7 months ago I introduced my mother who was finally starting to understand my fathers behaviour after 30 years of marriage and raising 5 children who all suffered (I am the eldest) as a result of narcissistic parental behaviour, she has finally had the courage to leave my father to protect my younger brother and sister from further abuse as this had been picked up by the services at their schools and during counselling sessions. Leaving, as I am sure you can appreciate, has not been straight forward or easy in any way, and ultimately pushed my father to display his issues full force. It has been painful. The way you are able to explain this phenomenon and its effects on people in their lives, particularly the vulnerable has been invaluable to myself and other family members. It has been a very difficult year but I sincerely hope that my younger siblings with the appropriate support won't suffer as much as the elder ones in our family due to them finally being separated. Thank you for providing the clarity that we all need when we grow up with a constant storm cloud above us not knowing what it is, now we do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much Dr. I can't begin to explain how much your videos are helping cope with this abuse I have endured for over 10 years. Thank you!!!!!!
Your understanding is rare, very rare
He broke the lock on my door, so I can't lock him out if I'm upset with him.
Can you move away from him soon? Prayers 🙏 and good vibes 💫 for you. I grew up with narcs, married narcs, divorced & was divorced by narcs. 15 years alone... Not lonely since my own company is my best company. I've parred down my 'friends' since I realized how many were narcs or high on the list of narcissistic behaviors. Life isn't perfect, yet it's better than in my past.
Judy, I saw this post and your prior one about him coming in to your room with a flashlight on his head. I wonder if you should be considering a safe plan to separate and find shelter?
@@goodintentions1302 Congratulations on discovering that being alone and being lonely are two very separate things!
Judy Menzel my gosh, this just happened last week. Scared me.
@@homefryniles3983 I second this...I'd talk with someone local you trust for a physical safe place to go any time of day. Violence and extreme behavior...possibly sociopathic or psychopathic....
This is 100% exactly true….living in a crime movie when you aren’t in a crime movie. EXACTLY. From childhood to one relationship to another…. I’m ready to FINALLY grow beyond all this insanity. I just want to meet someone Normal.
After leaving countless jobs for standing up for myself to bullies, I thought i would try something new, so I reported them to my manager, still the same outcome and had to involve someone higher to get my wages. Luckily this was only a temporary contract so I wasn't too bothered. Its so hard to ignore them, I did try but they just thought I was a soft touch.
After I basically ran away in the middle of the night, we had our one and only couples therapy session. I told the therapist that I left home, because I don't feel safe. He immediately started to explain to the therapist, that I have absolutely no reason to feel unsafe, that he never did anything wrong and it is all in my head, that I am just super anxious and crazy, making stuff up. His behaviour in this one couples therapy session really opened my mind, seeing how he was confidently trying to persuade another person that I am crazy and trying to win them to his side with his sad life story, instead of doing anything to actually save our relationship... I could not believe it.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. This was both essential and difficult to listen to and process. I am the child of a narcissist who, despite what I thought was caution and care, ended up married to one (divorced now, hallelujah!), because children of narcissists are all-too-often colorblind when it comes to red flags. While watching this video, I realized that I have NEVER felt safe when living with other people.
I finally feel safe enough to truly heal ❤️🙏🏻Thank you God.
Thank you for explaining why throughout my life I don't feel "Safe" and Do Not trust anyone. There is a positive side concerning trusting people in this day and age. Because of my distrust in people in general I am not taken advantage of easily. I am always looking for an alterior motive. Is that a bad thing? Unfortunately though when I talk to ANYONE, including my husband I listen intently and diasect the conversation. I am always looking for lies in a conversation. Yes, I am suspicious of everyone.
Once you get to know the signs, it's amazing how you think to yourself, "How did I not see this before?" You realise its obvious, there is literally nothing behind the eyes, apart from when they are love bombing you or sneering derisively because. you don't match up to their ideal. Or of course, when they are talking about themselves...
I was with my husband for almost 11 years. After we separated and I started healing, I started to realize that I never felt safe around him. In the beginning, I would push myself to endure the discomfort of feeling like I was in danger. Simple gestures like hugs, all the way up to being intimate, it was always filled with me trying to push myself to just keep up a façade for x number of minutes. To pretend that I wasn’t upset or scared because I was more invested in protecting his ego. I thought it was a me-problem. I thought I was hurting him if I reacted to the fear and anxiety coursing through me. Then I discovered he was getting gratification from of my fear. To the point where I was not allowed to initiate. If I was in the mood too much, he would cut me off from intimacy (all the way down the ladder to hugs, kisses, cuddling) for months. Our longest dry spell was 6 months. He never cared if I had any pleasure. It was pretty shocking to realize that he enjoyed triggering my past sexual trauma and inflicting more on me for his own gratification.
Yea 😊🤗😁
Grey rock, therapy and your videos are true lifesavers 💙
Thank you Dr. Ramini
Only after I started researching toxic parents did I realize it not normal to feel as if I'll never find someone I truly open up to. This video had me in tears, thank you for putting it into words Dr. Ramani!
Thank you, Dr. Rumani. This was very helpful and the timing was so right.
Developed autoimmune condition at 9 years old, grew up with covert narc mother and then a step dad who is an overt narc. Your video series is amazing they help so much! No contact seems to be the only way to heal.
Its like standing on a cliff,you are once pulled back like you are gonna be saved the next moment you have no idea how you are pushed so much into a depth of chaos and torturous life.
Exactly. I lost my job due to the mental trauma I had to go through because of her. It was always threats or manipulation or lies and much more. It's really hard.
True , can not let our guard down at all , we have think about every word that come out from us , unfortunately can not be explained to anyone, to get support, can not be proved to law officials
I hope some day they come with some law of protection people who are going through these kind of emotional torture . They watch you when your are happy what makes you happy etc , and they plan to ruin that . it is like avoiding to go on opposite side of freeway , have to avoid bumping into them face to face as much as possible
Not easy at all
@@mjayanthi3425 true dear
Your message clearly resonate my life with my ex narciccist husband and his family.
i've been there. I was on another country living in a small apartment with them... 🤦🏻♀️
I'm 55 and this is the most useful lesson I have learnt particularly in the modern workplace. You usually feel unsafe for good reason. I used to doubt myself but now trust my spidy senses implicitly, especially when dealing with those displaying NPD.
What helped me to a better understanding of who I am and feeling safe again was reflecting on my accomplishments and realizing that for everything I had achieved I had to work twice as hard because of ongoing sabotage trying to hinder me from achieving anything and denying what I had achieved, minimizing, degrading and hereby keeping me at low self-worth and feeling insecure. This reality check put things in proper perspective, that it is I who is the strong one, the able one, the competent one, whereas all abusers again and again failed in everything they did, always needed someone else to pull them through and out of jealousy didn't want me to make it on my own and have anything they don't have. Today, at 63, I fully enjoy the fruits of my labor and have plenty, while the abusers are just getting by and would love to get their foot back into my door to continue their sharade of dunking me and once again taking advantage of what I have worked for so hard against them holding me down. To me this is a perfect example of everyone reaping what they sow, people who do nothing but throw shite all their life mustn't wonder to find themself stuck in shite up to their neck, after all, their amunition has to come from somewhere.
Thank you Dr Ramani, after 5 yrs of being Free of the Covert Narriciss I still fear I'm not emotionally free,
This video gave me that awh moment ! Thank you for your information 💟
I have shared so many of your videos with my sisters in order to try to educate them on what it is that I have endured. Their narrative is that it could not have been as bad as I describe it. And I told them recently that if they cannot support and unconditional love me, to have a relationship with them is unhealthy for me. To have people in my life who invalidate my experience it who give advice on what it is that I need to heal, such as I simply to get a job so I don’t have time to think about these feelings. And what is so sad is that they know that he physically, psychologically, and emotionally abused me but because they couldn’t see the gaslighting and all of the other were hidden abusive behaviors, they simply say it could not have been as bad as I describe it. And this is my family. His family has totally walked away from me as what I have to share embarrasses them so they, naturally, must lie about me as they all are perpetrators themselves.
So thank you for educating the masses on with narcissism is in with narcissistic abuse looks like. It is time with the world open their eyes and see what we have all been living through and with. .
Something I noticed that I can't express emotions in my mother language even in my head although I don't know the second language that good I still only use it when trying to express my emotions. I never knew why but think it's because I wasn't allowed to express them at the home I grew up in and that l learned them through watching movies in that second language!!! Just a thought.
That is interesting. I also feel more like myself in English, rather than my mother tongue.
I left my country in age 26 just to be free of my controlling and physically abusive parents they have hurt both my Sis and me since day one... My whole childhood is a miserable story all I can remember is the fear and anxiety both parent inflicted on us. I had suicidal thoughts in age 6 first time and as soon as I learned to write and read I wrote a letter to my mum that I'm going somewhere where people don't hit my head and don't hurt my body... Looking back at it as a 40 years old woman now I'm tearing up and cannot understand how my sis and I survived growing up in that house. When my father died in 2010 I was lost. I felt sudden freedom yet I was sad about his death.
When I started fresh in a new country at age 26 made me feel like is the first time I have given possibility and time to discover myself and my abilities. I feel like my whole childhood and the beginning of my 20's are stollen from me by my father and mother.
Anytime I return to my country majority of my childhood spent , I fall back into the same state when I left.
It is because new language and new country can help us to separate ourself from the abuse we went through and our confidence can thrive without being scared of mocking ....
Isn't that interesting. I noticed that when I bang my foot, cut my hand, drop something which smashes I don't express myself, at all, undoudtedly it fruitless in my younger days!
@@goldsteinist awful parents, glad you escaped!
Josee Noel thank you for your kind words. Wishing you the best in life ✨
Among many other episodes, this one came on timely for me. I was feeling unsettled for an unknown reason, as I was walking back home. Diving deeper, I noticed that I was scared about failing, first providing comfortable living for myself, then actually being successful in life alone. After 30 years of marriage, I finally found the courage to step out if the relationship. This is our last year together, finishing up a contract internationally. This past year hasn’t been easy, but it was filled with hopes, dreams of my upcoming freedom. Now that I have only couple weeks left to remove myself from this 30 years long phenomena, I keep fearing that something horrible is going to happen and I’ll fail. The stress of this has been causing me acute abdomen cramps and other physical discomforts. My therapist told me exactly the same things you suggested: mindfulness, meditation, exercise.
As the days are getting less with him, his anxiety of feeling abondened is getting stronger, hence the vindictive undermining behavior is appear more often. Practicing the suggestions, I escape to things that I like… going to the beach (currently in Malta-sunny gorgeous beaches), playing my favorite songs and sig along our loud, even after he arrives, pretend that he is not around to ruin my moment, the list goes on. As I run up the stairs, I pump each stair with step exercises each time I go up, gives me a good heart beat by the time I’m finished. I see the change. I’m happier, more excited, and escape to those pockets of happiness several times each day. So, this topic has arrived to my UA-cam notifications in a perfect time. Thank you.
Exactly! I could not forgive myself for many years for having married another abusive/narcissistic man/boy-child; now I know why and can stop blaming myself. I've been trying to figure this out for a large part of my life. THANK YOU!
Interesting title because I haven’t talked to my narcissistic mother and narcissistic family in almost 2 years. To think about ever going back to that dynamic really scares me. When I think of my family I still get a little scared. How is this my life? It has been heartbreaking and devastating for me but I am slowly radically accepting my reality. I’m better off and I finally feel like I will heal from years of abuse. I’m hopeful and feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for this video. God please bless, heal and protect everyone here!!❤️🙏🏼
like the third grade teacher used to say, "consider the source." ;/
So true. Such weird feelings constantly nudging at you things are not right safe or honest. Your inner gutt knows the lies and when you ignore that feeling it shows up in the unsafe feelings and constant distrust of what is really happening !
I woke up from a dream reliving the abuse with chest pains and anxiety from the fear. I literally journaled all these same feelings. The thought of letting my guard down again makes me physically sick and I hate it. I hate that this trauma can't just disappear from my life the way he did. I wish he never existed, truly. There is no good that will ever come of this.
Lack of safety, reliability and such a sense of absolute chaos and unpredictability really messes with you. It creates a sense of fear that often is the root of why you feel like you can't get away and therefore be able to survive on your own. You are constantly in survival mode get through each moment is your main focus.
I have been fired from jobs bcz boss didn't like me and said, "you look around like you dont trust or believe in anything. You've got to go."
So , yeah u nailed it, dr r.
Also, this shell shocked way of going thru life helps predators identify you as a potential victim. Whether sexual predators, or narcissistic partners, etc.
This is seriously one of the worst things I've felt and took longer to get out of. That feeling of not being safe. I do still get it sometimes. Meditation and those grounding reiki videos really helped me get out of this.
I’m sending you the biggest and most sincere hug. Thanks, this is really helping
Thank you so much Doctor Ramani!
Feeling unsafe has been with me since early childhood. It was so "normal" to me feeling that way that it was already something to discover! I feel like I shut myself down completely. I didn't even feel safe within myself. Now at least I know my blind spot.
Every word she said is so true!....
Good counseling and awareness will get you past this, and life is beautiful. Don't jump into another relationship based on the idea that you want to be married, etc. The best advice I ever received from a friend was to not get into a relationship for 5 years. To give MYSELF the gift of learning, knowing and enjoying my own company. It sounded like a long time for me, but it gave me a sense of baseline reality and identity and enjoyment. The gift of yourself is wonderful. You were created to be wonderful, no matter how humble. In itself this gives you a chance to know what you would wish from others in your chosen relationships. Integrity, self respect, confidence, surety, and joy can be lost in an instant if we don't find these in ourselves for whatever reasons. Counseling can help you to find or recover these things. Counseling can help you to watch for the garbage that may clutter up before it's suffocation. And there is joy after all of it.
Thank you for your words of hope.
Working out regularly is helping me a lot with feeling safer and staying motivated. When I was living with my parents, I had a boxing bag and used to punch it ten minutes a day imagining I am hitting the people who hurt me. I don’t think I could have made it without it.
No security. No safety. Always waiting for the next shoe to drop and it always did.
I felt scared, violated and unsafe my whole childhood. In my last relationship with my ex narc fiancé, during the love bombing stage, I had told him I felt safer with him than I ever had with any man. Little did I know at the time, he was looking for other women on dating sites and doing God knows what else. They really fool you during the love bombing stage. When I found out what he was doing, I forgave him...but it set a tone of constant anxiety and feeling off-balance for me, throughout the whole rest of the relationship. I still can't believe I did that to myself (stay with someone who I could never trust), but then again, that's what "love" looked like for me during my whole childhood.
As always, thank you Dr. Ramani. It seems the world is full of Narcissist men. The start off putting on a really good show, baiting decent caring women. Once they know they got you, the true self reveals itself. Gaslighting, fits of childish rage and cursing, and when it suits them, treating you as being invisible
When I don't feel safe I run like hell and I don't look back.
I go for walks which helps me put things in perspective, and get away from the constant toxic words and situations I find myself in. Even 2 hours away in a park is strengthbuilding and refreshing. Even staying away at a friend's house helps, and even better when the friend is far away from the Narc
Oh my goodness, when doc said the conditional regard part...that hit home.
the worst part is when youre in a healthy relationship after a Narc and you constantly suspect them when theyve done nothing wrong, currently dealing with that