My avoidant partner is a therapist herself... very charming as well.. had a few months of awesome time... she supported me in every situation... but suddenly she started pulling away especially after some conflict or argument... And now silent treatment ongoing since 20 days... she sometimes put status indicating that I dint treat her right... all my msgs and calls are unanswered... any advice what to do? I really love her :( Earlier the silence used to last 3-4 days but now it just feels unending
@@RahulSharma-dp2cg 20 days is BS my friend, you wouldn't do that to anyone, don't let anyone do that to you. Time to move on, you're not an option. You deserve to be loved fully, not like this.
@@madreusthanks brother! I am trying ... havent reached out since 2nd jan ! Its so hard and i never seen this kinda behaviour ever in my life before ... this makes me more anxious :(
I love your channel and your content. I was happy single and celibate for almost 2 decades before I met and avoidant. ( I was so far removed from the dating world & its toxicity). I spent three years giving love and care to him because I am very empathetic. But just like a light switch it all turned off. Time ran out Like God took my head off one day, scraped out the inside like a pumpkin, and screwed it back on without all the cobweb crap on the inside. And then it was over. I walked away
This is the best channel for avoidant attachment style. Gave me much clarity and helped me realize there was nothing wrong with me. I was actually too good for him and He doesn't want good he wants toxic.
It broke my heart, but I broke up with her. Those of us, who grew up in a hellish environment find it hard to keep boundaries in our private life. Healing is almost as painful as being in the dance. However, for the first time in my life, I felt centred and calm on my own.
Thank you.!! Boundaries are huge in caring for oneself. ❤❤❤❤❤ i put down Boundaries and my person was clear about not being able to do those thing and it has been "no contact" since that time. Hard truth
Don't reward appalling behaviour (which, from bitter personal experience, is the modus operandi for a DA). Thanks Coach for another timely and on topic video.
Your channel really helped me understand what I was going through with a DA (and probable narcissist) and to make the descision, after giving them a chance, to confront their issues and disconnect. I will heal and move forward with more awareness of what to look out for in the future so I can have better relationships. Thank you. I recommend to everyone, don't torture yourself, there's someone better out there.
The last bit was great…that a healthy relationship is where both partners will share their boundaries so that both know what the others wants/needs/expects.
I've already been married to an avoidant woman for 3 years. And the conclusion I came to concerning avoidant women is that the best thing you do to them is to buy a one-way plane ticket for them to go to Japan and stay there forever. Let them be happy there eating sushi, looking at Mount Fuji and dating Japanese men. They don't acknowledge they have a problem and don't accept your offer to treat their disorders through therapy. They will not be poor in Japan. There are lots of good and well-paying jobs for them there
I’ve been dealing with an avoidant for over a year. Sex is cut off. He will get stonewalled just like he stonewalls me. Leave these people alone! They will NEVER change!
That's right! My ex tried to pull some BS and reached out after a month. Cut that off real quick. Told him I need reciprocity and I will not settle for less because I am my own priority. I won't be treated like he treated his ex. See ya!
Trust me I didn't...I'm SA & it was easy to walk away in less than 3 months of trying to get to know a DA 🚹 & him starting up the push/pull cycles, ghosting for days/weeks, & breadcrumbing.He wanted to have a endless situationship type of thing & he found out the hard way that I wasn't willing to invest myself into a bottomless 🕳️ and I'm no enabler.Folks this is why we save physical intimacy for dead last, make sure those emotional bonds are strong 1st to avoid regrets🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Soo true snd well said. In the Bible it tells us to hold out on physical intimacy. At first I thought it was religious, but there’s definitely deep wisdom to this. If you give yourself to someone you can’t depend on, you can put yourself through emotional hell
@GesuHeche-fv4hx Exactly.I've been an atheist since childhood but I strictly adhere to saving intimacy for whoever loves me enough & is actually reliable enough to marry me... It's something very precious that loses it's emotional value if you run around giving it away for free.So many people out there are just running around having mindless sex when in reality it's NOT true intimacy, a deep emotional bond is what turns it into intimacy & it's an expression of your love for each other.It's like nasty cheap gas station body spray vs a fine perfume, there's simply no comparing the 2.
I am sad that I kept enabling my avoidant ex to breadcrumb me. I realize that I need to work on myself, but I can tell with my last conversation with her, that she still needs to work on herself. She is very absorbed into her work, hobbies, etc. She was still not over her toxic ex that cheated on her, I called her out on this and she got very offended, I can tell I struck something in her, but it confirmed my assumptions about her behavior, I acknowledged my mistakes when I was together with her, but she disregarded me very quickly after our second official date. She came up with so many vague red flags, and I have been working on myself since then, but she wanted to only stay friends despite I worked on all my flaws and was fixing myself. Even after, I fixed my flaws, she kept bringing them back up like I never worked on them in the first place.
Guys, this is the most important video on having DA partner ever made. Sir, I applaud you. I'd like to a schedule some time with you. My DA wife has chosen to "do the work" as a result of me (SA) communicating our issues to her stemming from her avoidant qualities she's pressuring the marriage with. We've entered a moment of hope.
They have the magical gift of never having to take ownership of their nonsense. Without professional help, they will remain toxic and blind to their juvenile relationship behaviours. They are not partners, they are immature adults always ready to turn and run from anything that might trigger them. Their rules, their ball! Fuck that…let them run, and consider it a favour.
Thank you!!! For beating this into my stubborn head!! Communication is the bare minimum for a healthy relationship! On another note, your shirt is so rad, where can I get one?
me and my avoidant ex talked off and on about a month after no contact but she seems really flaky, sometimes its a fun talk and other times she ignores me for days, the last thing i sent her was owning some of my mistakes during the relationship like smothering her when she needed space and she has been ignoring me since then, i told her i was working on fixing my mistakes and would like another chance, she also told me she felt trapped in the relationship after we had a month filled with ups and downs which led to her discarding me over text im not really sure what to do now she also said she needs to figure out what she wants but i know she drinks almost every day now im assuming to deal with the pain of how she discarded me, she knows something is wrong with her because she tells me she is afraid of commitment and apologizes when she's drunk about how she gets mad about random stuff and doesn't know why
Just tell her she needs therapy for her Avoidant attachment style & then stay away to protect yourself.... History will in all likelihood repeat itself if you go back.Also the alcohol use is a bad sign that she's still coping in very toxic ways.
History will definitely repeat itself until finally, you will say, "I need to get away from this person fast and quickly." Then run and never look back. Take a leaf out of our books. Those os us who left before the DA killed our souls.
@@declanadams9825 I forgot to mention you didn't smother her by the way, you were most likely just trying to reach out like a normal person...Even as a SA I triggered a DA 🚹 I was trying to get to know & I 🏃🏻♀️ like my butt was on 🔥 in under 3 months.They're not mentally ill but they're far from normal & healthy, I honestly only consider Avoidant attachment styles a baby step down from a mental illness because the dysfunction is usually so severe & their behavior is so far off the map from normal😬.
any suggestions on how to (better) enforce your own values as a people pleaser? My decades of adhd people pleasing definitely is the main cause of not enforcing my values (I'd say, I could be wrong but..,,,)
Seeing eachother once a week is my standard minimum of a relationship. If he is on a job trip this weekend, then he can arrange e g Wednesday with me. Or maybe I can make it Tuesday. If he has standards of meeting less than once a week, then he is welcome to find another woman instead of me. Byebye.
Can you do a video on co- parenting with an avoidant and how to do boundaries. I am in need of cutting ties. I get emotionally invested on my kids and I struggle with having those boundaries
Ok well maybe not the word value… I’m FA and if I’m avoidant it’s not no value or disrespect or anything of the other person. it’s extreme fear of abandonment or rejection. If anything, I’m not valuing or respecting myself And if you have adhd, there is rejection sensitivity dysphoria added. So I get afraid to engage in anything because im Afraid of them not replying, or saying no, etc. so if I don’t engage, then I don’t initiate a situation to possibly maybe get rejected (regardless of evidence saying otherwise) Overall, I’m self sabotaging and it’s all extreme anxiety and fear and etc. in fact, I am only avoidant to people who I respect, love, value, etc because of the risk of losing them.
If you only replied to them, you would not get rejected and abandoned. The only way a person who truly loves you (but really truly loves you) can reject you, is when they are so fed up with your avoidant behaviour, they can't take it anymore. When they tried and tried to communicate and consistently and lovingly showed up for you for maybe years, and have been repaid with distance and silence. They would have never abandoned you, if you didn't abandon them first. Signed: a person who was deeply hurt and whose life was deeply affected by an avoidant.
Then if you know your situation, it's time to work on yourself. If you want this dumb situation to end and be happier, kick your own butt and ask for help, especially to your partner. Choose to ignore your fears at least a little more each day. It's doable only if you are onboard.
Not 100% sure if my wife is an avoidant but boy do a lot of these videos sound familiar. And here we are after 12 years of marriage and two kids she wants out. And I'm trying to figure out how to build boundaries when we have to co-parent. And both as a Christian man, and someone who does still love her, I don't want to close that door, even though she clearly has.
I think you're using the concept of "boundaries" incorrectly because most of the time you're referring to standards, not boundaries. "I want someone to do xyz in a relationship" is a standard, not a boundary. Good message otherwise though.
@@dante6985 yeah, I actually think there's a way to parse this out to a finer degree but I can't remember the explanation I heard well enough to explain it, lol. for all intents and purposes, sure, that could be a boundary.
@ Yes! I totally get what you're saying. If, let's say, your partner keeps disrespecting a boundary that you've set by let's say not alerting you before they come over - and you then break up with them for it - it becomes a standard (I'm holding a partner to this). The words are kind of used interchangabley. They're related but not exactly the same.
@ yes they're so similar and used interchangeably that it's hard to make a distinction but I have heard it explained. I'm gonna try to reiterate what I heard--it's something like this: a boundary only pertains to your physical person or your choices. So if I say I don't like onions, and you try to force me to eat onions, that's a boundary violation. What I put in my body is my own business. On the other hand, if i insist that in order for me to get emotionally close to someone they must do xyz, that may be a standard or a boundary, depending. If I insist that someone must be, let's say college educated, that's a standard, because I have no authentic claim on someone else's education. If we're talking about actual abuse, say, I won't allow people to call me disrespectful names, I think that's setting a boundary even though it involves someone else's actions because there's an assumption that I deserve to be treated with dignity. But something like calling before coming over...I'm honestly not sure which one that is. Intuitively, I'd say it's a boundary if you've already expressed it and the other person violates it, but I'm honestly not sure. But in general I think whether something is one or the other depends on whether it intrisically "belongs" to someone. Like when Jonah Hill got mad at his girlfriend for posting sexy bikini pics on social media and he characterized *that* as violating his boundary, it was kinda absurd because it's not really his right to dictate how his girlfriend behaves. However, it *is* a standard he can uphold, if he wants. Ugh hope that makes sense.
@@VeryImportantPerson1234 Yes that makes sense and was a great way to explain the distinction. Let me see if I got this right: To use your diet example, let's say my partner is a vegan and I cook her something with pork in it. That's crossing a boundary. But let's say I'm a vegan and I criticize my partner, who I know isn't vegetarian or vegan, for eating pork. That's a standard.
Unless they are getting therapy there is no point in being with an avoidant
Best statement on the internet
My avoidant discarded me, then we met up, told me she has been going to therapy, I thought the same as you and she then discarded me again lol
My avoidant partner is a therapist herself... very charming as well.. had a few months of awesome time... she supported me in every situation... but suddenly she started pulling away especially after some conflict or argument...
And now silent treatment ongoing since 20 days... she sometimes put status indicating that I dint treat her right... all my msgs and calls are unanswered... any advice what to do? I really love her :(
Earlier the silence used to last 3-4 days but now it just feels unending
@@RahulSharma-dp2cg 20 days is BS my friend, you wouldn't do that to anyone, don't let anyone do that to you. Time to move on, you're not an option. You deserve to be loved fully, not like this.
@@madreusthanks brother! I am trying ... havent reached out since 2nd jan ! Its so hard and i never seen this kinda behaviour ever in my life before ... this makes me more anxious :(
I love your channel and your content. I was happy single and celibate for almost 2 decades before I met and avoidant. ( I was so far removed from the dating world & its toxicity). I spent three years giving love and care to him because I am very empathetic. But just like a light switch it all turned off. Time ran out Like God took my head off one day, scraped out the inside like a pumpkin, and screwed it back on without all the cobweb crap on the inside. And then it was over. I walked away
This is the best channel for avoidant attachment style. Gave me much clarity and helped me realize there was nothing wrong with me. I was actually too good for him and He doesn't want good he wants toxic.
Same thing here 🤝🏻
Yep, it's hard to accept that but it's true. They don't love you enough to talk to you or consider your feelings. Just run and hide from you
@
It broke my heart, but I broke up with her. Those of us, who grew up in a hellish environment find it hard to keep boundaries in our private life. Healing is almost as painful as being in the dance. However, for the first time in my life, I felt centred and calm on my own.
Thank you.!! Boundaries are huge in caring for oneself. ❤❤❤❤❤ i put down Boundaries and my person was clear about not being able to do those thing and it has been "no contact" since that time. Hard truth
you are like a loving brother giving this advice and insight. thank you for sharing
Don't reward appalling behaviour (which, from bitter personal experience, is the modus operandi for a DA). Thanks Coach for another timely and on topic video.
Yes. "Appalling" is definitely a perfect description for their behaviour
I watch these videos everyday and have started to ignore the other toxic content
Thank you so much, keep doing what you do to drill it in our brains
Your channel really helped me understand what I was going through with a DA (and probable narcissist) and to make the descision, after giving them a chance, to confront their issues and disconnect. I will heal and move forward with more awareness of what to look out for in the future so I can have better relationships. Thank you. I recommend to everyone, don't torture yourself, there's someone better out there.
Ok I'm going to listen to this 10 times!
The last bit was great…that a healthy relationship is where both partners will share their boundaries so that both know what the others wants/needs/expects.
I've already been married to an avoidant woman for 3 years. And the conclusion I came to concerning avoidant women is that the best thing you do to them is to buy a one-way plane ticket for them to go to Japan and stay there forever. Let them be happy there eating sushi, looking at Mount Fuji and dating Japanese men. They don't acknowledge they have a problem and don't accept your offer to treat their disorders through therapy. They will not be poor in Japan. There are lots of good and well-paying jobs for them there
I’ve been dealing with an avoidant for over a year. Sex is cut off. He will get stonewalled just like he stonewalls me. Leave these people alone! They will NEVER change!
That's right! My ex tried to pull some BS and reached out after a month. Cut that off real quick. Told him I need reciprocity and I will not settle for less because I am my own priority. I won't be treated like he treated his ex. See ya!
Trust me I didn't...I'm SA & it was easy to walk away in less than 3 months of trying to get to know a DA 🚹 & him starting up the push/pull cycles, ghosting for days/weeks, & breadcrumbing.He wanted to have a endless situationship type of thing & he found out the hard way that I wasn't willing to invest myself into a bottomless 🕳️ and I'm no enabler.Folks this is why we save physical intimacy for dead last, make sure those emotional bonds are strong 1st to avoid regrets🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Soo true snd well said. In the Bible it tells us to hold out on physical intimacy. At first I thought it was religious, but there’s definitely deep wisdom to this. If you give yourself to someone you can’t depend on, you can put yourself through emotional hell
@GesuHeche-fv4hx Exactly.I've been an atheist since childhood but I strictly adhere to saving intimacy for whoever loves me enough & is actually reliable enough to marry me... It's something very precious that loses it's emotional value if you run around giving it away for free.So many people out there are just running around having mindless sex when in reality it's NOT true intimacy, a deep emotional bond is what turns it into intimacy & it's an expression of your love for each other.It's like nasty cheap gas station body spray vs a fine perfume, there's simply no comparing the 2.
I am sad that I kept enabling my avoidant ex to breadcrumb me. I realize that I need to work on myself, but I can tell with my last conversation with her, that she still needs to work on herself. She is very absorbed into her work, hobbies, etc. She was still not over her toxic ex that cheated on her, I called her out on this and she got very offended, I can tell I struck something in her, but it confirmed my assumptions about her behavior, I acknowledged my mistakes when I was together with her, but she disregarded me very quickly after our second official date. She came up with so many vague red flags, and I have been working on myself since then, but she wanted to only stay friends despite I worked on all my flaws and was fixing myself. Even after, I fixed my flaws, she kept bringing them back up like I never worked on them in the first place.
Brilliant. This is so good. Thanks Coach Ryan ❤️
Guys, this is the most important video on having DA partner ever made. Sir, I applaud you. I'd like to a schedule some time with you. My DA wife has chosen to "do the work" as a result of me (SA) communicating our issues to her stemming from her avoidant qualities she's pressuring the marriage with. We've entered a moment of hope.
They have the magical gift of never having to take ownership of their nonsense. Without professional help, they will remain toxic and blind to their juvenile relationship behaviours. They are not partners, they are immature adults always ready to turn and run from anything that might trigger them. Their rules, their ball! Fuck that…let them run, and consider it a favour.
❤
i'm listening...thank you!!
Yes! Thank you for say it out loud! Sir.❤
Coach Ryan why you gotta be so cute in all your videos .. 😊haha
Thanks for the informative video! Your videos are very helpful.
Thank you!!! For beating this into my stubborn head!! Communication is the bare minimum for a healthy relationship!
On another note, your shirt is so rad, where can I get one?
me and my avoidant ex talked off and on about a month after no contact but she seems really flaky, sometimes its a fun talk and other times she ignores me for days, the last thing i sent her was owning some of my mistakes during the relationship like smothering her when she needed space and she has been ignoring me since then, i told her i was working on fixing my mistakes and would like another chance, she also told me she felt trapped in the relationship after we had a month filled with ups and downs which led to her discarding me over text im not really sure what to do now she also said she needs to figure out what she wants but i know she drinks almost every day now im assuming to deal with the pain of how she discarded me, she knows something is wrong with her because she tells me she is afraid of commitment and apologizes when she's drunk about how she gets mad about random stuff and doesn't know why
Just tell her she needs therapy for her Avoidant attachment style & then stay away to protect yourself.... History will in all likelihood repeat itself if you go back.Also the alcohol use is a bad sign that she's still coping in very toxic ways.
History will definitely repeat itself until finally, you will say, "I need to get away from this person fast and quickly." Then run and never look back. Take a leaf out of our books. Those os us who left before the DA killed our souls.
@@declanadams9825 I forgot to mention you didn't smother her by the way, you were most likely just trying to reach out like a normal person...Even as a SA I triggered a DA 🚹 I was trying to get to know & I 🏃🏻♀️ like my butt was on 🔥 in under 3 months.They're not mentally ill but they're far from normal & healthy, I honestly only consider Avoidant attachment styles a baby step down from a mental illness because the dysfunction is usually so severe & their behavior is so far off the map from normal😬.
Thank you so much. ❤
I told him to stop contacting me and we will stop seeing eachother after he dumped me and wants stay friends I said no
any suggestions on how to (better) enforce your own values as a people pleaser?
My decades of adhd people pleasing definitely is the main cause of not enforcing my values (I'd say, I could be wrong but..,,,)
Seeing eachother once a week is my standard minimum of a relationship. If he is on a job trip this weekend, then he can arrange e g Wednesday with me. Or maybe I can make it Tuesday.
If he has standards of meeting less than once a week, then he is welcome to find another woman instead of me. Byebye.
Can you do a video on co- parenting with an avoidant and how to do boundaries. I am in need of cutting ties. I get emotionally invested on my kids and I struggle with having those boundaries
If he makes one please let me know, I'm in a very similar place
Ok well maybe not the word value… I’m FA and if I’m avoidant it’s not no value or disrespect or anything of the other person. it’s extreme fear of abandonment or rejection.
If anything, I’m not valuing or respecting myself
And if you have adhd, there is rejection sensitivity dysphoria added. So I get afraid to engage in anything because im Afraid of them not replying, or saying no, etc. so if I don’t engage, then I don’t initiate a situation to possibly maybe get rejected (regardless of evidence saying otherwise)
Overall, I’m self sabotaging and it’s all extreme anxiety and fear and etc. in fact, I am only avoidant to people who I respect, love, value, etc because of the risk of losing them.
❤
You are losing them, because you are avoidant with them
If you only replied to them, you would not get rejected and abandoned. The only way a person who truly loves you (but really truly loves you) can reject you, is when they are so fed up with your avoidant behaviour, they can't take it anymore. When they tried and tried to communicate and consistently and lovingly showed up for you for maybe years, and have been repaid with distance and silence. They would have never abandoned you, if you didn't abandon them first. Signed: a person who was deeply hurt and whose life was deeply affected by an avoidant.
Then if you know your situation, it's time to work on yourself. If you want this dumb situation to end and be happier, kick your own butt and ask for help, especially to your partner. Choose to ignore your fears at least a little more each day. It's doable only if you are onboard.
Really appreciate this perspective
Not 100% sure if my wife is an avoidant but boy do a lot of these videos sound familiar.
And here we are after 12 years of marriage and two kids she wants out. And I'm trying to figure out how to build boundaries when we have to co-parent. And both as a Christian man, and someone who does still love her, I don't want to close that door, even though she clearly has.
I think you're using the concept of "boundaries" incorrectly because most of the time you're referring to standards, not boundaries. "I want someone to do xyz in a relationship" is a standard, not a boundary. Good message otherwise though.
It could be a boundary. Like "I want someone to text before they come over" is a boundary.
@@dante6985 yeah, I actually think there's a way to parse this out to a finer degree but I can't remember the explanation I heard well enough to explain it, lol. for all intents and purposes, sure, that could be a boundary.
@ Yes! I totally get what you're saying. If, let's say, your partner keeps disrespecting a boundary that you've set by let's say not alerting you before they come over - and you then break up with them for it - it becomes a standard (I'm holding a partner to this). The words are kind of used interchangabley. They're related but not exactly the same.
@ yes they're so similar and used interchangeably that it's hard to make a distinction but I have heard it explained. I'm gonna try to reiterate what I heard--it's something like this: a boundary only pertains to your physical person or your choices. So if I say I don't like onions, and you try to force me to eat onions, that's a boundary violation. What I put in my body is my own business. On the other hand, if i insist that in order for me to get emotionally close to someone they must do xyz, that may be a standard or a boundary, depending. If I insist that someone must be, let's say college educated, that's a standard, because I have no authentic claim on someone else's education. If we're talking about actual abuse, say, I won't allow people to call me disrespectful names, I think that's setting a boundary even though it involves someone else's actions because there's an assumption that I deserve to be treated with dignity. But something like calling before coming over...I'm honestly not sure which one that is. Intuitively, I'd say it's a boundary if you've already expressed it and the other person violates it, but I'm honestly not sure. But in general I think whether something is one or the other depends on whether it intrisically "belongs" to someone. Like when Jonah Hill got mad at his girlfriend for posting sexy bikini pics on social media and he characterized *that* as violating his boundary, it was kinda absurd because it's not really his right to dictate how his girlfriend behaves. However, it *is* a standard he can uphold, if he wants. Ugh hope that makes sense.
@@VeryImportantPerson1234 Yes that makes sense and was a great way to explain the distinction.
Let me see if I got this right:
To use your diet example, let's say my partner is a vegan and I cook her something with pork in it. That's crossing a boundary.
But let's say I'm a vegan and I criticize my partner, who I know isn't vegetarian or vegan, for eating pork. That's a standard.
I don't care about him your gorgeous 😂
True
It helps with the healing 😂