Suicidal binge drinker here. Stopped drinking 6.5 years ago. Years of relapsing. If I relapse now, I know it’ll be the last. I do not have another recovery in me. I sobered up in 2017 after a 10 year relapse, a few attempts in those 10 years but never could put together a meaningful recovery. 5 stints in rehab. The last one, I was on the train returning home, thinking I’ve got 2 choices, I go home, pick up and die or I take this chance and run with it with all that I have. I ran with it and each day is a reprieve. I shattered my own life and others with drinking and still have lingering guilt and shame on so many things I said and did. My behaviour was so removed from my personal moral compass. That’s the stuff that needs healing. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏽
Yeah that's crazy to me too. It's such a powerful addiction - we know exactly what the consequences are yet we are drawn back to it until it kills us. We're strange and complicated animals.
@Izahdnb it's insanity. Pure and simple. The Oxford Group realized that alcoholism is a spiritual malady that requires a spiritual solution and that no human power could relieve us of our alcoholism.
Mine was actually a big help in sobering up and I still think about it in my sobriety, to remind me. But you're right, it wasn't my first one! Sure was my the most violent tho. The last one was the most violent. So scary it helps me stay sober, 16 years on!
The way you are able to speak so fluently without verbal garbage is amazing, makes it super easy to listen along and picture the story in my head! Keep making these videos they are definitely helping those that are struggling with alcohol addiction to know they aren’t alone… these videos are definitely helpful for those who don’t suffer from addiction either because it shows how serious and dangerous alcohol can be if not used in moderation!
@_BatCountry man you are describing exactly what I felt to the point that I'm cringing. After 14 1/2 years sober I still feel the effects of my drinking with a foggy short term memory and not feeling like I'm here at times if that makes sense, I remember finding my bottles of vodka in a cold sweat with my clothes drenched to the point that I had to dry off and change clothes and drinking the tiny bits left in them, rooting around for loose change so I could just get a bottle to feel better, stealing money to buy more and every day saying I won't do it today and an hour later finding myself at the liquor store just to stop seeing things and the shaking and sweating and a few hours later blacking out, passing out in my yard nearly drowning in a puddle because it was raining so bad and coming to in my room naked and covered in mud wondering what the hell happened, I lost 2 days and was embarrased....did that stop me? Hell no...not yet. It was bad, not as bad as your story but bad for me.....God bless you and thank you for your honesty and for sharing so much on your channel
Thank you. I was feeling like I was going to relapse today. I have been watching your videos today and it saved me from making that choice. The craving came from nowhere after 11 months clean. I’ll be a year out on the 4th of July and almost didn’t make it. My addiction was so bad I had an emergency liver transplant and still my brain wants some to to drink today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
After my last relapse a few weeks ago it was clear that you don‘t ever stop. You just hit the pause button. I just continued at the same pace and quantity before I stopped 9 months prior that relapse. Thanks friend, I love your storys, really helped me kept me going on.
Man, that story of what you made your parents go through and that it haunts you every day really hits home. I went to something very similar when I was 26. My parents did everything for me and I made them go through hell by being a useless drunk. They saved my life by not throwing me out, by getting me into the hospital when I hit my rock bottom and my liver almost failed. I promised them to never drink again, only to betray their trust a couple months later until I had my relapse, that ended in a 3 week bender. I remembet passing out in my room with a bottle of wine in my hand, my mother found me and I still tried to convince her that I didn't drink, and I even got angry at her and said hurtful things. I'm really glad I discovered your channel yesterday! It's good to know that we're not alone. I'm 4 years sober now, I never thought I'd reach my 30th birthday. But we get through it, day by day! Greatings from Germany!
Hey Sleezy, wie geht es mit dir? Alcoholism is a selfish disease and we ignore the hurt and damage it does to everyone around us. I owe so much to my parents. Massive congratulations on 4 years sober, and thanks for the comment!
@@_BatCountry danke, alles bestens, ich hoffe bei dir auch! Someone reposted one of your videos to Reddit, that's how I discovered your channel! I've binge watched tons of your videos already! Great stuff man, love your honest and raw videos! Congratulations on turning your life around ♥️
Most people don't understand just how dangerous alcohol withdrawal and addiction is. You are spot on, it is a medical emergency and it can be fatal, most people don't know alcohol is the most dangerous substance to withdraw from (alongside benzos ). When I started my training as a psychiatric nurse it was surprising to find heroin is far safer to withdraw from than alcohol. One of my mentors said basically it's like this - if you leave a heroin addict to withdraw in a room alone and an alcoholic to withdraw in a room alone the heroin addict will be very uncomfortable but they won't die - the alcoholic will die. Also heroin withdrawal doesn't send you into seizures, and withdrawing from smack won't cause a psychotic episode. Having worked in mental health for many years I don't work in alcohol and addiction services anymore, and haven't for many years. It is hard, the patients are very, very unwell - like you say in a medical emergency, they are also very disturbed as many are hallucinating and delusional from the psychosis. Stay well and sober, it's the best decision you can make - just for today, all you need to do is stay sober today. Big love 💚
It's surprising to me too. I think it's because you can easily find heroin withdrawal in movies and media, but there are very few depictions of alcohol withdrawal.
@@_BatCountry exactly and you wont find smack for sale in every supermarket, high street, garage, restaurant, pub, club, hotel, bar, sports club ... it's everywhere in plain sight.
Almost 9 years sober. Haven't relapsed. (or had the desire to) The experiences during my 1st year were terrifying. I couldn't get more than an hour or 2 of sleep each day, with night terrors happing around the clock. Made it impossible to do simple tasks. Like showering, taking off my shirt to find small bits of comfort, using the bathroom, even eating was decimated to bland rice or noodles. All foods gave me severe heart palpitations. Was always weak and tired. Walking upstairs took forever because of the palpitations that would surely come on and last for hours. Issues even to this day that still exist. Mainly the palpitations after eating, lack of energy, and motivation to perform tasks. Mental fog is 70% of my daily life. Struggling with verbal impulse control. The need for frequent isolation. There's so much more that didn't exist before the 3 year period of suicidal drinking. Boy, I regret all of it. I'm not who I used to be. For myself, and most of all, the ones I love.
As I've been dealing with this for almost a decade, I still haven't found any answers as to why these symptoms still persist. Best wishes on your journey of sobriety, friend ❤@kevinlynch256
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes traumatized people self-sabotage subconsciously when things start going well because they want to be in charge of their own suffering. It’s so helpful to hear your journey and everything you’ve overcome. Very inspiring to me!
Gosh, the ending was extraordinary, as was the whole thing. Life tells us stories like this, shows us hints and clues. I have no idea why, but there is something guiding all this and I call that God. There is something dark about alcohol, something that wants to degrade your humanity, and sometimes a spirit seems to enter your body and take you over. I have tried many rec drugs and have never known anything like the weird evil of alcohol. I'm on day 5 of no alcohol and last night finding your channel got me through the evening. It really shocked me, I had no idea how bad it could get. You are doing a great service with these, thank you very much. You talk so well and clearly and seem to be incredibly honest. Once again, many thanks.
I am a major binge drinker, hospitalised many times, in recovery many times and currently in recovery right now, 43 days and in this period is when I discovered your videos. Your descriptions of alcoholism from that first drink through to the point you are in the abyss of chronic alcoholism and the terrifying effects therein are absolutely spot on and conveyed so eloquently, simply, graphically and honestly. Anyone out there who thinks they may have a problem with alcohol or are in recovery or in the midst of relapse or even haven't thought of getting into recovery and currently staring into the abyss I highly highly reccommend watching Stu's videos, they are without doubt the best I have watched in describing alcoholism. Despite the depressing, honest and horrific subject Stu hits the nail on the head in every video and are/have been nothing short of inspirational, keep up the brilliant work my celtic comrade.
I like the way you tell your story. I'm sober 146 days today. Quit nicotine 9 days ago, so I'm going through more withdrawals like brain fog, depression and insomnia at the moment, so doing the youtube surfing to keep my mind occupied. Love hearing how human we all are. Thanks for sharing. My AA sponsor told me to watch out when you are either very happy or very sad as a relapse trigger. Your story reminded me of what he told me.
Hey Smoozer, thanks for the compliment. Congrats on your days, that's a lot of time. You should be proud. And it sounds like you have a smart sponsor too!
Great videos! I connected most with your video on alcohol hallucinosis. I've never experienced full-on DTs, seizures, etc. but I have had shakes, sweating, insomnia, paranoia, half your mind is sane observing the other half of your mind going insane at the same time, auditory/visual hallucinations. The delirium i've had has led me to do things like hide in my attic because a police car flashing its lights across the street convinced me they were there for me, and they were imposters pretending to be real cops. There is so much more to that episode, which isn't even the most ridiculous one. Alcohol withdrawal is serious, and it seems like struggling alcoholics and professionals who administer benzos to them are the only people who understand it.
Im just about 3 years sober, recovering alcoholic and truly love my sober life. I don't go to the rooms any more but your channel is a really good reminder about what is was like. What happened. And makes me thankful for where I am now. I have horrible psychosis and hallucinations in the last 6 months of my drinking and I hope I never have to go there again. Thank you for your service.
I’m so lucky to be a man in my forties with a wife and two kids and no alcohol addiction because the way I drank in my twenties, I would have spiralled into the gutter if I had the genetics for addiction. Hearing your story makes me so grateful that I didn’t utterly destroy myself in my twenties. And it was all luck, I believe. I had no concern for the destruction that alcohol causes. I encouraged it. And then I had to quit when my anxiety, which I was trying to medicate with alcohol in the first place, almost got the best of me. Alcohol is indeed scary. All the best wishes for your future as a sober man - and thank for your honesty. I believe you make a difference for a lot of people ❤
I am so sorry for everyone affected this way by alcohol. I lost my son at 42 because of alcoholism. Several others in my family suffer from it as well. "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
The way you describe the hallucinations is so powerful and so relatable for me. Honestly, it is exactly as you describe, especially about how even when you KNOW it's not real, that knowledge is of no comfort to you whatsoever. In fact, it gives it more power. I remember sitting in A&E with these voices in my head and I knew they weren't real, so I was responding to them by writing replies in the notes app on my phone so that nobody else in the room knew I was having a very real argument with these imaginary voices. I was writing things like, "I know you're not real, I'm here to get medication that will get rid of you." And they started to get angry and more abusive and threatening as a result. I mean how absolutely ludicrous is that? It's so hard to explain and most people find it so hard to listen to they don't want to, so thankyou for sharing your experience and allowing me to share my own here.
and it really is THAT quick. For me it went from thinking I can handle a couple of glasses of wine one night to full blown lying in bed for a week round the clock drinking, not eating, curtains drawn, ordering wine online, ignoring everyone, self pity, self loathing....Just from 0-100000 in under 12 hours. And the shame. The shame and the terror when I stop. The trauma of knowing what I've done. The suicidal nature of knocking back a full glass in one, just one after the other, like self harming. I'm so pleased you're giving us all a platform where we can be open and honest without judgement.
@@_BatCountry it's the whole delusional/rational thinking combined that makes it so insidious. I was having these auditory hallucinations that (I don't need to tell you) were as real to me as if someone was sat next to me talking. Yet, I knew that if I was to reply out loud in a room full of people, I'd look completely insane, so to rationalise that I decided to write it down because OBVIOUSLY, these imaginary voices could read that, and then reply back to me. Writing this now, in sobriety, seems so unbelievably ridiculous yet at the time it made perfect sense to me.
Wtf I had something similar but crazier like you except alien like demons were appearing when I rubbed my iPhone screen when it was off and I was responding to them but by writing with my finger smudging on the screen when it’s off but only I could see like demons lookin at me as if they had their own will / intelligence and responding to me having conversations
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. It really is traumatic. You have a quiet strength and you and you’re a captivating speaker. I could listen to you for hours. I just went through a relapse period after 1.5 years and it was the worst one yet. I managed the withdrawal at home myself and it felt like an exorcism. I hope that was the last. Sending strength to everyone fighting this challenge. ❤
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. It really hurts to reset the clock after that amount of time. I hope you're doing well today, and I appreciate the comment.
This has been really helpful for me. Thank you. It’s so easy to relapse. Especially with alcohol everywhere, including pressure to drink from family members that aren’t even big drinkers, in my case. When I don’t drink my skin clears up - that is a huge motivator for me these days to abstain entirely.
I been waiting to hear this! I remember my dt trip a few years ago. I'll never forget that. On a good note, I'm still working out everyday, eating great. Quit ciggs cold turkey almost 2 months ago. I'm addicted to this lifestyle now no b.s. I appreciate the content brother. Thank you an take care!
DT being exacerbated by head trauma is actually pretty well documented in medical literature, especially in patients who have sustained multiple TBIs. I have vague memories of being around my late grandpa when he would sober up enough to have us over around holidays and the breaks he would have, he eventually passed away from withdrawal syndrome. He used to race dirt track cars and sustained quite a few severe concussions from being involved in wrecks that I am sure played into it and it was a topic I researched quite a bit for university psych classes I took. The mechanism behind it is still beyond my level of understanding but injured nervous tissues never quite fully recover so the effects of any other neurological conditions are usually much more severe. There is also just a general link between head trauma and depressive states and impaired impulse control which in turn leads to a higher risk of alcoholism so it just creates this feedback loop of self destruction.
Thank you so much for your share. I too experienced delirium tremens 2 years ago come late October. I count November 1, 2022 as my sobriety date, as that was the day I was released from hospital. I never planned for my life to take this turn when I took my first drink at 17 years of age. Multiple attempts at sobriety, but today, I am staying sober just for today. God Bless you and everyone affected by this disease.
Your videos are so important. I am 2 weeks post detox after a relapse binge of 3 weeks after 4 years sober. Hearing your stories keeps me from binging again as it terrifies me my withdrawels getting worse. I have been lucky to only get moderate withdrawals so far. I don't want to take the gamble again and experience what you have. Keep doing what your doing boss, the community Will grow!
After binge watching all your videos I am now looking forward going into a inpatient detox/rehab next week. I feel incredibly lucky that I have the help available because many people can not take the time off from work to go into treatment. I am fully disabled from a brain injury so scared shitless about what the next month will be like. At least I will be medically monitored in case I experience DTs. Your videos have scared me enough to seek help. God Bless you my friend. And after I had my major brain injury in 2012, I had at least 7 concussions and realize every time I banged my head the drinking always got worse. There is a 100% correlation between a brain injury and suicidal drinking. And just heard you mention you practice Krav Maga. You are definitely my hero now. Thanks again for your videos. Just trying to mentally prepare for treatment next week. Won't be my first time in Rehab (been in 6 over last decade) but it will be my very last rehab because I can't live this lifestyle anymore. Plus my family DR said my liver is in bad shape and if I do not stop drinking I will have serious liver damage. So it's now a life/death situation. Stay healthy my friend.
Hey! Apologies for the slow reply, and thank you greatly for this comment. I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, but I'm reassured that in a couple of weeks you'll still be here to talk about it. Hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get your injury?
You know, some people drink heavy into their 60's 70's and 80's. Then some drink themselves to death in their 20's and 30's. You have functional, and non-functional alcoholics- happy, and violent drinkers. Some experience DT's, withdrawals and some don't. Alcohol affects everyone differently. However, I believe misery and death is the most common outcome for those that drink heavily. And, as someone who has been in the hospital several times for acute alcohol withdrawal, you better quit while you can. I wouldn't wish my dark experiences with alcohol on my worst enemy. Demons exist. Hell exists. And, alcohol gave me an all expenses paid, vacation tour inside Hell. Edit: I would like to applaud your courage for making this video. I admire your bravery, Sir -- I've seen your first video, and that's when I subscribed. It serves as a grim reminder to myself and others what will happen if we start drinking again. God Bless 🙏
Thank you mate. And I agree - there are no good outcomes for people who drink heavily. It's ALL bad news. Quitting is the best thing most of us can do.
I find this really hard to listen to as a fellow alchoholic. It makes me want to writhe and put my hands over my ears, i'm sure you know why. God knows how you have the bravery to share it.
@@_BatCountry Absolutely. And don't be sorry. That bit about securing a big win and then immediately going for beer and KNOWING you're fucking up. Tough stuff man.
Speaking as someone who still suffering I will say this man is so helpful it's almost unreal. It is what it is and and it's terrible@@JamieAldridge-z9h
You are such an amazing storyteller. It’s terrifying just listening to you describe these vivid hallucinations I can’t imagine actually living it in your mind.
I can relate to all you have just shared. The hallucinations, all of it. I remember being so saturated with hallucinating that I figured them out, knew what they were and would just fearlessly endure them. There were times drinking rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, and empties for their backwash. My God. How did I survive that madness, I'll never know. More importantly, I'll not forget. Hell on earth in the most sadistic form of slavery I could ever imagine is what it became for me. And for sure there's defenseless children out there somewhere being afflicted with far worse. God help them. But for those reasons, in my own little world, I equate my ordeal as WWIII.
I'm sorry. May I ask, did he stop cold turkey? how long after his last drink did withdrawals become serious? I'm 8 days sober. No medical intervention. I assume I am out of the danger zone.
You sir, are an INCREDIBLE story teller and an absolutely eloquent linguist. Appreciate your honesty on the subject. I've learned a lot as an individual on my sobriety journey of 3 years. Appreciate you and keep it up. Godspeed.
It's wild how the hallucinations can go from benign as you descibe the puppy in your chair to full on horror with violence. Your puppy reminded me that last time I was withdrawing in hospital I saw a basket of kittens under the bed oppostie and kept berating the nurses for not looking after them. That's my most benign and i thanked my brain on that occasion for not unleashing the shit show it had on previous occasions. Thanks for your videos, im binging them right now as I need to hear someone speak eruditely on their personal experiences with this ❤
I used to walk my buddy home..we drank together but after a while he could not walk..he had scares on his face from falling down..and his place was near..in the cold of the winter in Canada we would be there on his couch..Bobby had passed out..i was still there until his room mate showed up..drunk..and belligerent..i excused myself and went home..i did not have have head trauma as far as i can remember..but i was in the army and we certainly drank alot..thank you for the your candid conversation...but i know that when i stopped drinking beer i did go into some withdrawal..i could not sleep i was anxious and everything i had done wrong in my life came back to haunt me.
Hey Brian, thanks for sharing your experience. That withdrawal you had, that sounds like a close call. Once you've walked up to that line and crossed it, there's no crossing back to moderate drinking. It's sobriety, or worse.
My story. I drank 0.75l of vodka and a lot of beer in the morning for 2 weeks. I decided to quit: after three days of insomnia, terrible tremors and vomiting green liquid, I saw a dwarf in the kitchen (I lived alone) who was sitting at the table, smoking a cigarette and asked me: “Who are you?” Well... I ran into the street in my vomited pants, the police caught me and took me to the hospital emergency department...
😂😂😂 Of all the things your mind could have conjured up, it chose to conjure a nonchalant, trespassing, chain-smoking dwarf. So funny as an anecdote, but at the same time terrifying while it was happening, I’m sure. If you’d stayed in the house, maybe you’d have found another 6 of them in there.
My alcohol support team say that we shouldn't call it a relapse. We should call it a lapse. We made a bad decision but we can revover from our lack of judgement. Your very lucky to have a loving family. My father has stood by me through my alcoholism. Stuart we are lucky to have such loving families.
This is the first vid I watch on your channel. What a story. I knew about withdrawal symptoms that could be quite severe, but I had no idea at all about these hallucinations. The way you told what happened and described them being virus-like was very realistic to me. Thanks for sharing your experience. Your story telling skills are exceptional, imo.
Another 10/10 video. Felt myself getting a bit emotional during your description of your hallucinations, I think because I found it so relatable . Personally I haven't had direct hallucinations from alcohol, but I have had extremely vivid dreams which can compete with reality for their lucidness. They are usually violent and disturbing in nature, and leave you wondering "how did my mind even conjure up such things? I must be completely insane". They have been so horrifying that I have, in the past, actually felt afraid to go to sleep after drinking heavily because I do not want to see what my brain will confront me with next. Please continue making videos, and also I must reiterate the point that your channel deserves to be 100x more popular than it is!
Thanks for the comments Harry. I would also like a bigger audience, but it'll come in time. Fr now, I'm more interested in keeping it honest. That thing about being afraid to close your eyes, that's so real, and so scary. What a horrible way to live.
Btw I’m glad you’re still here and documenting your human experience for the world. This may save someone’s life. Your story is horrible yet beautiful.
You hit the nail on the head. People don't realise it's like still being able to see through your eyelids. Strange but absolutely true. I think of it this way. Your brain is conjuring up an alternative reality.
Another watch of this and it resonates even harder. The minesweeping leftovers, the daily spirits until I couldn’t physically walk through malnutrition and weakness 5 minutes to the shop for more, these factors are only three months past. I’m I had alcoholic hallucinations in withdrawal but not DT. Don’t laugh but it was of the clown from the BBC test card from the 70’s and he meant business. It terrified me as a child and now it was back as a subtle kick up the arse and wouldn’t go away. Allied to Bubbles were the maggots on the floor, shadows in the peripheral and voices of US policemen. Only some Librium faded them all away. I’ve been scared sober since. Thankyou BC.
Oh god, "minesweeping leftovers" - I can't believe I've never heard that before, that's so perfect and so bleak. And I can totally imagine that clown - I dunno about you but i feel like a weird electrical current in my body in withdrawal, and i can totally see how that crackly, static image fits in with that. Congrats on your sober time - long may it continue - and thanks for the comment mate.
I just came here from what happens after DTs- the 1st video I’ve seen of yours and the 1st I’ve been able to relate to in trying to make sense of my own experience. Once again, I can relate with the traumatic brain injury. I had an accident in which I was in a coma for several days. Many years before the DT experience but alcohol was always involved to some degree. It’s really interesting to find these similarities.
You certainly are lucky to be alive, Stu! I had almost 2 years of sobriety before relapsing a couple of weeks ago. I'm almost over the withdrawals now and I've been sober for 6 days already! Luckily, this latest binge wasn't as severe as previous ones! Great video!
Thank you so much for your story. As yourself, I’m really in awe over the similarities in these experiences across both ages and land borders (I’m from Denmark). I feel almost every single account you describe - not the specific accounts, but the experience going through them. And it absolutely sticks with you! I had my first experience twenty years ago, and I recall every single thing that happened, but mostly I recall the feelings. They are so hard to explain, and you’re doing a great job doing just that. I’m NEVER going back to that place again. Not in a million years. All the best to you.
Thanks so much for the comment! And yeah, I recall the feelings too. I had written a lot of this stuff down at the time which is why I'm able to recall some of the specific details, but without my notes, I mostly remember the feelings, and snapshots of images.
I have also had extremely violent imagery during closed eye hallucinations and in very real feeling night terrors. I had a concussion when I was younger on the Ski slopes, a woman was out of control and crashed into my friend and I hit a patch of ice trying to stop to avoid them and slammed the back of my head onto solid ice. About eight years ago, I had a car accident where my head burst through my sunroof and the car kind of laid on my head until the rescue crew got there. After reflecting a lot on my past use while thinking about the connection of these violent images and head trauma, I realized that after the car accident is where my drinking started to get out of hand. I have been tempted to start making videos similar to yours where I talk about the things that I saw and had dreams about. While they were not open eye hallucinations, they were extremely horrifying and it's still difficult to talk about sometimes. To put it simply, one of the worst things I saw when I was having closed eye visual hallucinations, was a view out of the sliding doors of a local grocery store, except the parking lot was this hellish wasteland with piles of dismembered body parts. A tall, thin demonic figure walked into my view with a machete, and a naked child ran past it and he grabbed the child and cut it's head clean off with the machete and proceeded to rape the corpse in the neck wound it created. It did not break eye contact with me the entire time and I cannot get the image of how bright white the eyes were. After that, I didn't close my eyes for more than 5 seconds at a time for almost 90 hours. I believe this is the first time I have actually written that out or told somebody about it, because it was so shocking to me that my brain would create such an awful thing and it really made me question who I am as a person.
Hey buddy. As hard as it was for you to share that horror, and as hard as it must be for people to hear, that is what makes this stuff so essential, and so important. Because I saw stuff very similar to that, and I always assumed that it only happened to me, and therefore I must be a terrible person who didn't deserve help. If we want people to get sober, we have to make space for the uncomfortable stories like yours and mine, otherwise those who have also experienced them will continue to feel isolated and turn back to the bottle instead of to help. I really appreciate you putting that in writing. I would gently encourage you to make a video or two too. I know not everyone has the freedom I do to talk about stuff that might show us in a bad light, but it helps me, so you might find something useful in doing it to.
Another really brave, eloquent and honest post. Your candour and desire to help is immense, fella. I really get a lot from your videos and they are helping me understand my own history. Please keep it up.
Thanks Giles, I really appreciate the support for this kind of stuff. It's not easy to put this kind of raw, disturbing stuff out there, and there isn't much of it, so it always makes me nervous. I'm glad you're getting something out of it.
This touched me so much I couldn’t help crying. Thank you for sharing. 🙏❤️ My dad died of alcoholism and my brother is a very bad alcoholic now… I noticed I was going the same route. I started praying to god to take this demon out of me. God help me. 🙏 8 days sober and I want to stay sober for a year.
I'm sorry you've had such tragedy in your life, it must be incredibly difficult. Congratulations on 8 days - just do the same tomorrow, and keep doing that. We're all with you.
Yes regarding the head injury I was reflecting on it. I started drinking fairly late in my life. Not like as people say the typical alcoholic, who starts early drinking. When I was 25 I suffered a kick to the head. My girlfriend at the time even noticed and said you started drinking all the alcohol at my home after this incident happened. And that was not usual to me. It’s super interesting how impulsive control can get lost. I didn’t make a medical check yet. But know I’m convinced to do so. Keep up the great work! Thank you!
I got my most memorable Delirium Tremens while in Prison and as you say, those hallucinations are so vivid, I was glad I was in jail at the time. Can't imaging what I would have done that could have ended up killing me if I had been out there. Mine was also very very violent with things I still unfortunately perfectly remember nearly 20 years later. Thank you for your work.
@@_BatCountry I wasn't sure if you referenced this site in previous videos, but a site you should check out is called "DeliriumTremens" on UA-cam. It should be quite interesting to you as he, like yourself, is also one of the few people to go through this and live to tell the tale(s). He starts out explaining how rare it is and that in fact very few people live to tell the tale and only they can truly understand how chillingly real it is to the person experiencing it. It was posted about 3 years ago and if memory serves me is actually part of a series of videos he put out going into detail about one particular experience that I certainly will never forget. .
Man the story of trying to stave off the withdrawals by any way necessary really hit me. You feel it coming and you know the agony. I would beg and steal to keep drinking. I would take any shame or embarrassment, I would voluntary lose jobs, abandon my family. Alcohol should be illegal. My hallucinations came when I closed my eyes. Faces, gory medieval faces would fly at me. I couldn’t sleep for days because I was so scared to see the faces. Then you have the shaking, sweating and your heart pounding out of your chest. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke, I just go to the hospital when I relapse now. Can’t do it without being heavily drugged with Valium.
The faces, man. Always the disfigured face. There's a few of us who see those - for you it's medieval faces, for me it's world war 1 faces. That similarity in our experiences is really interesting - any theories where that comes from/what it means?
@@_BatCountry I just think perhaps it is nightmarish. I don't know man, but I don't want to see them again. I'm getting shivers just thinking about them. I screamed so loudly at one point the nurses came and injected me with valium. I was on a ward of 5 other alcoholics, all of them were homeless and going through DTs. Thank god I never got to that level, but hearing their stories and screaming was haunting. The worst part is that it takes a few days for them to really start, so you know what you are in for at you lowest (end of a relapse). You know you aren't in for a few days of a hangover and back to normality, you are going to hell for days. Love your videos dude, it really helps me identify my own experience with this evil drug. Long may we remain free and sober.
I had full blown DT's in February 2023 at 39 years old. I had a bad fall and I split my forehead to the skull. I decided to quit drinking about a half gallon of vodka everyday for a very long time even if I was sick. I ended up vomiting 3/4 of a 5 gallon bucket of blood, catatonic seziors, brain swelling, Hepatic Encephalopathy. I spent 13 days in ICU renal cardiac wing because I went straight into Delirium Tremons. I went straight to hell and I brought back a lot of new diagnosis including liver cirrhosis. It's unbelievable what alcoholism can and will do to you. Prayers for those struggling. Do medical detox because it will kill you.
It's so important that people know your experience can happen to them. People know alcohol isn't good but they just don't know HOW BAD it can be. Hope you're doing good today mate.
@@_BatCountry yeah, I appreciate what youre doing man. I hope you are well. I'm still needing a transplant. I don't want anyone to ever experience what we've been through. It's the worst way to die. I'd rather be burned to death. It'd be quicker
Have never experienced DTs myself, but I used to have an alcoholic girlfriend (now deceased) who had them while she was in hospital after being knocked down by a car. When I went to visit her I was told by the senior ward nurse not to give her a cigarette lighter or any matches because they’d had some “trouble” with her overnight. They didn’t say what this trouble consisted of but when I asked my girlfriend she told me that spiders had been crawling all over her during the night and as she couldn’t get out of bed due to her leg being in a cast, she’d had to try and burn them off the bedsheets with her cigarette lighter.
Withdrawing from alcohol without medical supervision from alcohol can kill you. Ditto benzos. I've been addicted to both simultaneously, and found out the hard way that quitting without medical supervision is terrifying and incredibly dangerous.
Thank you for your strength and honesty in sharing this. I had an experience like this in my first weeks of sobriety last year and have never had the courage to further uncover it and talk about it in hopes of finding resolve. (The halucinating the puppy experience, impending doom experience, amongst some other parts) You sharing this is inspiring me to work towards being honest about my true experiences in getting sober… thank you 🙏🏼
Hey! Thanks for the comment. In all seriousness, honesty has been the difference for me this time. Brutal honesty means accountability, and I've come to believe that's essential for long-term sobriety, I hope you're doing good today!
I actually suffered from DTs from fentanyl precipitated withdrawal. I was hallucinating my dead grandma, seeing shadows, and having auditory hallucinations of people talking to me in my brain. I also have a history of head trauma, I fractured my skull and got a concussion back in high school. I don’t hear too many people talk about opiate withdrawal coming with DTs, mainly just alcohol, so I didn’t expect to experience that whatsoever. It traumatized me. Ironically I relapsed after as if it didn’t traumatize me enough.
Wow just as I’m continuing my to watch this video and hear more… I also had one pupil bigger than the other for years, it’s not as noticeable now. I never gotten it checked out but I always assumed it had something to do with the head trauma I experienced.
I think you're great. I'm so sorry about your withdrawal nightmares; no-one believes how terrifying they can be until they've lived it for themselves. I didn't know my brain was capable of conjuring some of my withdrawal scenes, they were so repulsive and disgusting and yes, often themed around torture, blood and the fear of imprisonment. It's not your fault man - you were cursed with the same awful genetic disposition that other people with alcohol/substance abuse have. Now, you look well, you look healthy, and you have a lovely manner of speech. Keep that going; keep being in control; the sun shines brighter everyday when you're grateful that another day is to be had.
My last 50 relapses were instant suicidal drinking and drug taking I would not wish them on my worst enemy if had some very dangerous home alone detox’s I’m now 4 and a half years sober 🙏🙏🙏📕📕📕📕
Oh God this took me right there again, it's good to remember sometimes. The DT hallucinations I had were more detailed, vivid and horrific than any drug I've ever taken. They're seared into my brain. I was in hospital detox most times but the benzodiazepines don't stop them. I really want to say never again! Thank you for this
Tanks Davey, I'm sorry to hear you went through it, but happy you made it out alive. And yeah, it's so hard to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it - it's just not like a drug trip.
Thankfully, I have not experienced full-blown DTs. I've had glimpses through both auditory and tactile hallucination..man...they were traumatic enough. Thank you again Stuart. @_BatCountry
Stuart we are brother and sisters who are suffering. I see you as an equal who just happens to have a UA-cam channel. Your a voice for all of us alcoholics. Your a very brave man who speaks for us. I have total respect for you.
@@_BatCountry I have to keep rewatching your videos because I keep finding something new that I missed before. You're doing very important work to help people Stuart. I could not get on with AA that's why I'm giving Project 6 my time.
Another great video. The hallucinations that come with the DTs can be really strange - my delirium lasted a few days but the hallucinations took about two weeks to subside.
There could be a connection yes. I have had numerous head traumas from a young age. I was a footballer and knocked out a few times with the ball and head collisions. I was a junior boxer for 3 yrs. I have been kicked unconscious when drunk in street brawls and Other accidents. I am a keen painter and I can throw paint on a canvas and immediately see faces and shapes that look familiar and I bring these images to life in my work. I have been a alcoholic most of my life a binge drinker and have been in and out of therapy since 1995. I have just reach the antabuse therapy decision at 53 and have suffered the DT's and hospitalised. As a child of 7 yrs I had a medical emergency where My heart stopped 3 times and i was in a coma from a bad reaction to junior dispirin doctors say it was Rheays Syndrome and I believe near death experiences open doors of perception. Anyway im still sober and love your pod cast.
Hey man, I just found your channel yesterday, I've been trying for a few months to get clean, I'll do two weeks here, three there (putting myself through the withdrawals basically everytime). Finding your channel cut this relapse very short, as when i found your channel yesterday it had "only" been my third day back on the bottle, so here's to another day 1. Im beginning to think i may need to go to meetings, I can deal with the physical stuff, but when the strong cravings happen, my mind is very good at convincing me that somehow im the exception, that i can go back to having a normal relationship with alcohol. Foolish. Kind of a rambly comment but the point im trying to get to is, thank you for the content you make, for having the bravery to share your story with everyone willing to listen, and congratulations on your sobriety. I will not drink with you today.
And to reply to your inquiry in the video, I've been a drinker since 18 (27 now), I fell out of a tree about four years back, broke my nose, I don't remember much of anything surrounding that event so I probably had at least a minor concussion, I never really thought about it but I guess it's possible that there's a connection, as I feel the drinking has only become an actual problem (noticable decline in mental health and general well being along with struggling to quit) in the past few years
Hey Moony, thanks so much for this, and I'm happy this has been useful to you. Yeah maybe hit some meetings, that's what they're for so don't be shy, and keep us posted on your progress.
@@_BatCountry day 2 man, I appreciate the reply, I reached out to the helpline today to find a meeting. In one of your videos you mentioned trying to stop through pure willpower, kinda white knuckling it without doing the actual work, I related a lot, that's what I was doing, and every time it's ended the same. It's time for a change. The work you're doing is so important man, I've been watching slayer-sober too, you all are showing the rest of us we're not alone
took me 2 years till now,, Delirium phases then a Hosptalisation when severe Halucinations hit ,, 10 years drinking abrupt stop,,and on Baclofen,, then 6 months later Bad Hemorage Stroke left side wasnt ment too survive 7 weeks no memory,, left hospital after 4 months recovery to get hit with 2nd Hemorage Stroke right side,,heart stopped many times through all this,,,, i have Aphasia now memory and talking is complicated but not known how i survived so much bleed and sezures,,still getting scans Nurology hospital but can still walk n talk ok,, the Delirium shadows never really leave,, they remind me every week there still suprise me,,
I've been binging your channel for a couple days, it's too interesting not to. But that whole discussion about the puppy hallucinations and the way you describe it is so fucking fascinating. I'm really glad you're doing much better, making these vids and that I was able to stumble across them.
The style of your videos is very appealing to me, the mellow background music, your incredibly good manner to tell stories, the whole setting and not least the content. I didn´t drink nearly as much as you but I also had my problems and have been sober since over two years now. I watched quite every video of yours and I´m excited for every one to come. I wish you all the best, keep on! Greetings from south Germany - Bavaria.
I recently went through another of two relapses. I was pretty afraid of withdrawal and decided to go back to detox. This withdrawal story is pretty harrowing. I am glad you made it out, man.
Very old story I suppose. I've spent 5 years in & out of AA. I was doing well up until late March. By the time the early June came around I was arguing about the 12th step with my AA Sponsor. One night we had a bad argument and for want of a better word said goodbye. Since that day until a week or two ago, I've been back in the mess. Thanks for asking.
I genuinely like what you're doing, love the mention of Delirum Dirk, not many people get this shit and it's scary beyond words. You aren't mentally ill, your an alcoholic, that unfortunately had to much on a bender. Personally I lost it, and called the police on my friend, who wasn't him, but it was, same day I yelled at someone that ... wasn't real in my carport while on the phone with another alcoholic and he told me to go to the ER. I should have, but this crap is mortifying. I thankfully didn't get the hell dreams but, the rest was hell. Not for 1 second did I think liquor can drive you nuts. It can, and similar to Dirk, I don't think people in the ER could understand I'm not using drugs, I'm just a drunk, but when you get that bad, according to numbers it's 3-4%, and I don't wish that upon anyone to go through what you or I did. Your experience was worse, but, not a contest, it just sucks any way you look at it.
I ones had 2 acid tablets 30 years ago I was tripping terrible for 24 hours it scared me that bad I never did it again and can remember it like it was last week but alcohol a smashed my life and my sanity over and over again 😢
I came across your channel quite by accident. I found what you had to say riveting! That, together with your clear gift of the ability to relate a set of circumstances perfectly! I've subscribed to your channel and look forward to more!! You have a gift, sir, and you should be very proud.
Thank you for such a well explained,descriptive account of the sheer Hell of delirium tremens.My horrific experiences have been somewhat similar but taken on a slightly different narrative nevertheless just as petrifying and hard to believe in the sober light of day that my subconscious mind is able to conjure up such demonic events.I think that anyone who has gone through it and the profound effect it has on you afterwards because there is not a day that I don’t think about the auditory and visual Hell that my body and mind put me through for depriving it of what it wanted.I have often tried to explain to people in alcohol group or to other individuals trying to quit what can happen only to be met with the look that I have a very vivid imagination or have watched to many horror films but the reality is I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.Keep up the good work Stuart it’s helping a lot of people and your ability to tell a well explained story with absolute honesty is incredible.
Thanks TK, I appreciate the support. This is pretty raw stuff to put out in the world so I'm grateful that it connects with people who've had similar experiences. That thing that people suspect you've soon too many Saw movies? That's so accurate.
i hallucinated that i accidentely killed my own (very much loved) cat by breaking all of her legs, beceause i thought she was a doll and i swung her around. i cried after that couple of times but i know my cat was alive and well, that expirence broke my heart.
My grandfather had delirium…. He’d yell at the vacuum cause a neighbor was inside taunting him, or inside the radiator, even once he hit the floor convinced another guy was outside with a rifle trying to kill him…. He drank really heavy ever since his time in the merchant marine during ww2. It’s horrible..
PTSD and alcoholism are common, and it can lead to the most disturbing DTs of ALL of them. All the horrible shit you've seen in your life gets dragged up and used against you. Sorry for your experience, I hope you came out of it ok.
Great video, yet again! A little side remark: it’s amazing that you remember a lot of details form your drunken states, not just in this story but also in others. I have tried recollecting my own drunken states and relapses, but can do that only with a fraction of the details that your stories have. Good on ya’!
My last DTs experience was in 2005. Vikings climbing out of the TV screen carrying severed heads, then leaving through the patio door, and standing in the garden staring at me through the windows. My Mothers voice coming from inside the radiators, telling me what a useless and hopeless piece of sh*t I was. My dead Maternal Grandmother standing motionless in the corner of the kitchen, staring at me, then 'teleporting' all around the house wherever I went, and cute looking cartoon Mice, dressed in Victorian style clothing, dancing around a Maypole while singing Erika and Georgie Girl. . . If it hadn't been for my Father breaking in, and getting me into the Royal Berks Hospital, I question if I'd be around today. 6257 days. Both AA and Rational Recovery.
Thanks so much for having the courage to share just how progressively violent the hallucinations associated with delirium tremens get. This is no joke. Like you my hallucinations started pretty tame-- a song I like playing quietly in another room. Then it's playing inches from my face. Then it's playing loud enough that the bass rhythm rattles my eyeballs. Then the closed-eye visuals of unimaginable cruelty and sadism-- the sight of which I still haven't completely recovered from. It's so hard to describe because it's so abstract-- everything is writhing, undulating, screaming, bleeding, eating. Dirk's videos were great because his warning was so unambiguous-- if you're in withdrawal and experiencing hallucinations of any kind, go to the hospital immediately; don't wait for it to get worse because it almost certainly will.
Hey Seb! Thanks for the support, this stuff isn't easy to talk about so as many similar experiences like yours I read in the comments, the more I'm sure this stuff is of benefit. I hope you're good mate.
Can i just say dude that you are infact Hot shit.... no matter what comes ahead you are an absoloute badass to have dealt with and survived the horrible terrible things that you have.. youre such a badass honestly and please keep doing what your doing because at this point you are such a positive inspiration.. your story is yours and it will always be yours to tell.. but im thankful you decided to share your horrors with us, thank you dude 🖤
I'll tell you what you have helped me so much this week, especially about the brain injury, I had lots to drink on my birthday after drinking only a few beers every night for year's, well since I ended up in hospital after going over the handle bars of my bike straight onto my forehead which led to a bleed on the brain. Well I woke up after this drink and my head felt like I'd fallen of my bike again, the same feeling I'd had after months of hard drinking. I just thought how can I feel like this ,it was terrible I thought I've not been drinking heavily except for my birthday, I had the shakes vivid dreams no hallucinations thank God. But yeah a real wake up call, in fact I still had a beer in the evening just to stop the sudden withdrawal symptoms, fkn hell this is hard to put down, let's just say I felt like I'd been drinking hard for months that's how my brain felt, so when you mentioned the brain injury it clicked it really did. So today is the first day of my abstinence from drink, because now I know my next drink could kill me. Thank you for sharing
Amazing discussions on the Darkest Side of the end-game of a booze lifestyle: hell on earth, psychosis. You’ve endured this in jails, home, and the worst hospitals I can imagine. Would be fascinated on your take on things like quit lit, supplements for recovery, CBT therapy, attempts at moderation, brain chemistry, your hangovers earlier in your journey, anything and everything you have tried, experienced, or researched during your recovery periods. Someone, I think Jordan Peterson, explained that for some people, booze hits the brain like opioids. And for that group: lookout. Anyway, keep the content going!
Suicidal binge drinker here. Stopped drinking 6.5 years ago. Years of relapsing. If I relapse now, I know it’ll be the last. I do not have another recovery in me. I sobered up in 2017 after a 10 year relapse, a few attempts in those 10 years but never could put together a meaningful recovery. 5 stints in rehab. The last one, I was on the train returning home, thinking I’ve got 2 choices, I go home, pick up and die or I take this chance and run with it with all that I have. I ran with it and each day is a reprieve. I shattered my own life and others with drinking and still have lingering guilt and shame on so many things I said and did. My behaviour was so removed from my personal moral compass. That’s the stuff that needs healing. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏽
Yes
Amen. @@lynnsanchez8261
It took me four rehabs, untold destruction of self and loved ones. Now I'm 14 years clean but it's a daily reprieve only. Thanks for sharing
Hats off to you mate, please stay strong
Happy to hear this ive been struggling for the past 5 years
10 days sober. Early days. This is needed motivation.
Congratulations, and welcome to the best decision you'll ever make.
@@LiltleT Congratulations, you can do it! 🙌✨
Stay with it king 👑 you got this. The first two weeks are the first hurdle. It gets easier after about a month.
Trust me. If you are anything like the type described in the book, everything that AA states is 100 percent accurate. The only real option is Church.
I hope this is going well for you mate
The trauma of the psychotic experience is like it actually happened. The brain doesnt know the difference. Dear man, Thank you for sharing
Exactly, the brain doesn't know the difference.
The craziest thing to me is that these horror experiences, living nightmares are sometimes not enough to stop us from starting to drink again.
Yeah that's crazy to me too. It's such a powerful addiction - we know exactly what the consequences are yet we are drawn back to it until it kills us. We're strange and complicated animals.
@Izahdnb it's insanity. Pure and simple. The Oxford Group realized that alcoholism is a spiritual malady that requires a spiritual solution and that no human power could relieve us of our alcoholism.
Mine was actually a big help in sobering up and I still think about it in my sobriety, to remind me. But you're right, it wasn't my first one! Sure was my the most violent tho. The last one was the most violent. So scary it helps me stay sober, 16 years on!
Man I’ve never drank anywhere near these amounts and I can feel the damage alcohol has done to my body I can’t imagine how you went through all this
The way you are able to speak so fluently without verbal garbage is amazing, makes it super easy to listen along and picture the story in my head! Keep making these videos they are definitely helping those that are struggling with alcohol addiction to know they aren’t alone… these videos are definitely helpful for those who don’t suffer from addiction either because it shows how serious and dangerous alcohol can be if not used in moderation!
Hey Quincy, thanks so much for the positivity, I appreciate it.
Very well said.
@_BatCountry man you are describing exactly what I felt to the point that I'm cringing. After 14 1/2 years sober I still feel the effects of my drinking with a foggy short term memory and not feeling like I'm here at times if that makes sense, I remember finding my bottles of vodka in a cold sweat with my clothes drenched to the point that I had to dry off and change clothes and drinking the tiny bits left in them, rooting around for loose change so I could just get a bottle to feel better, stealing money to buy more and every day saying I won't do it today and an hour later finding myself at the liquor store just to stop seeing things and the shaking and sweating and a few hours later blacking out, passing out in my yard nearly drowning in a puddle because it was raining so bad and coming to in my room naked and covered in mud wondering what the hell happened, I lost 2 days and was embarrased....did that stop me? Hell no...not yet. It was bad, not as bad as your story but bad for me.....God bless you and thank you for your honesty and for sharing so much on your channel
Thank you. I was feeling like I was going to relapse today. I have been watching your videos today and it saved me from making that choice. The craving came from nowhere after 11 months clean. I’ll be a year out on the 4th of July and almost didn’t make it. My addiction was so bad I had an emergency liver transplant and still my brain wants some to to drink today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
After my last relapse a few weeks ago it was clear that you don‘t ever stop. You just hit the pause button.
I just continued at the same pace and quantity before I stopped 9 months prior that relapse. Thanks friend, I love your storys, really helped me kept me going on.
Man, that story of what you made your parents go through and that it haunts you every day really hits home. I went to something very similar when I was 26. My parents did everything for me and I made them go through hell by being a useless drunk. They saved my life by not throwing me out, by getting me into the hospital when I hit my rock bottom and my liver almost failed. I promised them to never drink again, only to betray their trust a couple months later until I had my relapse, that ended in a 3 week bender. I remembet passing out in my room with a bottle of wine in my hand, my mother found me and I still tried to convince her that I didn't drink, and I even got angry at her and said hurtful things. I'm really glad I discovered your channel yesterday! It's good to know that we're not alone. I'm 4 years sober now, I never thought I'd reach my 30th birthday. But we get through it, day by day! Greatings from Germany!
Hey Sleezy, wie geht es mit dir? Alcoholism is a selfish disease and we ignore the hurt and damage it does to everyone around us. I owe so much to my parents. Massive congratulations on 4 years sober, and thanks for the comment!
@@_BatCountry danke, alles bestens, ich hoffe bei dir auch! Someone reposted one of your videos to Reddit, that's how I discovered your channel! I've binge watched tons of your videos already! Great stuff man, love your honest and raw videos! Congratulations on turning your life around ♥️
Most people don't understand just how dangerous alcohol withdrawal and addiction is. You are spot on, it is a medical emergency and it can be fatal, most people don't know alcohol is the most dangerous substance to withdraw from (alongside benzos ). When I started my training as a psychiatric nurse it was surprising to find heroin is far safer to withdraw from than alcohol. One of my mentors said basically it's like this - if you leave a heroin addict to withdraw in a room alone and an alcoholic to withdraw in a room alone the heroin addict will be very uncomfortable but they won't die - the alcoholic will die. Also heroin withdrawal doesn't send you into seizures, and withdrawing from smack won't cause a psychotic episode.
Having worked in mental health for many years I don't work in alcohol and addiction services anymore, and haven't for many years. It is hard, the patients are very, very unwell - like you say in a medical emergency, they are also very disturbed as many are hallucinating and delusional from the psychosis.
Stay well and sober, it's the best decision you can make - just for today, all you need to do is stay sober today. Big love 💚
It's surprising to me too. I think it's because you can easily find heroin withdrawal in movies and media, but there are very few depictions of alcohol withdrawal.
@@_BatCountry exactly and you wont find smack for sale in every supermarket, high street, garage, restaurant, pub, club, hotel, bar, sports club ... it's everywhere in plain sight.
Almost 9 years sober. Haven't relapsed. (or had the desire to) The experiences during my 1st year were terrifying. I couldn't get more than an hour or 2 of sleep each day, with night terrors happing around the clock. Made it impossible to do simple tasks. Like showering, taking off my shirt to find small bits of comfort, using the bathroom, even eating was decimated to bland rice or noodles. All foods gave me severe heart palpitations. Was always weak and tired. Walking upstairs took forever because of the palpitations that would surely come on and last for hours. Issues even to this day that still exist. Mainly the palpitations after eating, lack of energy, and motivation to perform tasks. Mental fog is 70% of my daily life. Struggling with verbal impulse control. The need for frequent isolation. There's so much more that didn't exist before the 3 year period of suicidal drinking. Boy, I regret all of it. I'm not who I used to be. For myself, and most of all, the ones I love.
Thanks for sharing this
This is me on the 96th hour of withdrawl to the TEE. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone
As I've been dealing with this for almost a decade, I still haven't found any answers as to why these symptoms still persist. Best wishes on your journey of sobriety, friend ❤@kevinlynch256
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes traumatized people self-sabotage subconsciously when things start going well because they want to be in charge of their own suffering. It’s so helpful to hear your journey and everything you’ve overcome. Very inspiring to me!
Thanks for watching Suz - and you just explained it very articulately. I hope you don't mind if I quote you in future videos!
Wow... from heady mountain peaks to the depths of hell in just a few days.... you tell it in a masterfully exquisite way! The book floored me
Gosh, the ending was extraordinary, as was the whole thing. Life tells us stories like this, shows us hints and clues. I have no idea why, but there is something guiding all this and I call that God. There is something dark about alcohol, something that wants to degrade your humanity, and sometimes a spirit seems to enter your body and take you over. I have tried many rec drugs and have never known anything like the weird evil of alcohol. I'm on day 5 of no alcohol and last night finding your channel got me through the evening. It really shocked me, I had no idea how bad it could get. You are doing a great service with these, thank you very much. You talk so well and clearly and seem to be incredibly honest. Once again, many thanks.
I am a major binge drinker, hospitalised many times, in recovery many times and currently in recovery right now, 43 days and in this period is when I discovered your videos. Your descriptions of alcoholism from that first drink through to the point you are in the abyss of chronic alcoholism and the terrifying effects therein are absolutely spot on and conveyed so eloquently, simply, graphically and honestly. Anyone out there who thinks they may have a problem with alcohol or are in recovery or in the midst of relapse or even haven't thought of getting into recovery and currently staring into the abyss I highly highly reccommend watching Stu's videos, they are without doubt the best I have watched in describing alcoholism. Despite the depressing, honest and horrific subject Stu hits the nail on the head in every video and are/have been nothing short of inspirational, keep up the brilliant work my celtic comrade.
Go well Edd ... stay the hand
I like the way you tell your story. I'm sober 146 days today. Quit nicotine 9 days ago, so I'm going through more withdrawals like brain fog, depression and insomnia at the moment, so doing the youtube surfing to keep my mind occupied. Love hearing how human we all are. Thanks for sharing.
My AA sponsor told me to watch out when you are either very happy or very sad as a relapse trigger. Your story reminded me of what he told me.
Hey Smoozer, thanks for the compliment. Congrats on your days, that's a lot of time. You should be proud. And it sounds like you have a smart sponsor too!
Great videos! I connected most with your video on alcohol hallucinosis. I've never experienced full-on DTs, seizures, etc. but I have had shakes, sweating, insomnia, paranoia, half your mind is sane observing the other half of your mind going insane at the same time, auditory/visual hallucinations. The delirium i've had has led me to do things like hide in my attic because a police car flashing its lights across the street convinced me they were there for me, and they were imposters pretending to be real cops. There is so much more to that episode, which isn't even the most ridiculous one. Alcohol withdrawal is serious, and it seems like struggling alcoholics and professionals who administer benzos to them are the only people who understand it.
Oof, that cop thing really hits close to home. I'm glad - with obvious caveats - that you connected with this stuff
Im just about 3 years sober, recovering alcoholic and truly love my sober life. I don't go to the rooms any more but your channel is a really good reminder about what is was like. What happened. And makes me thankful for where I am now. I have horrible psychosis and hallucinations in the last 6 months of my drinking and I hope I never have to go there again. Thank you for your service.
I’m so lucky to be a man in my forties with a wife and two kids and no alcohol addiction because the way I drank in my twenties, I would have spiralled into the gutter if I had the genetics for addiction. Hearing your story makes me so grateful that I didn’t utterly destroy myself in my twenties. And it was all luck, I believe. I had no concern for the destruction that alcohol causes. I encouraged it. And then I had to quit when my anxiety, which I was trying to medicate with alcohol in the first place, almost got the best of me. Alcohol is indeed scary. All the best wishes for your future as a sober man - and thank for your honesty. I believe you make a difference for a lot of people ❤
I am so sorry for everyone affected this way by alcohol. I lost my son at 42 because of alcoholism. Several others in my family suffer from it as well. "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
I've listened to your original DT video atleast 3-4 times over, it's morbidly fascinating and terrifying so I can't wait to listen to this one.
I hope you enjoy it. Actually "enjoy" is probably not the right word - I hope you get something out of it.
The way you describe the hallucinations is so powerful and so relatable for me. Honestly, it is exactly as you describe, especially about how even when you KNOW it's not real, that knowledge is of no comfort to you whatsoever. In fact, it gives it more power. I remember sitting in A&E with these voices in my head and I knew they weren't real, so I was responding to them by writing replies in the notes app on my phone so that nobody else in the room knew I was having a very real argument with these imaginary voices. I was writing things like, "I know you're not real, I'm here to get medication that will get rid of you." And they started to get angry and more abusive and threatening as a result. I mean how absolutely ludicrous is that? It's so hard to explain and most people find it so hard to listen to they don't want to, so thankyou for sharing your experience and allowing me to share my own here.
and it really is THAT quick. For me it went from thinking I can handle a couple of glasses of wine one night to full blown lying in bed for a week round the clock drinking, not eating, curtains drawn, ordering wine online, ignoring everyone, self pity, self loathing....Just from 0-100000 in under 12 hours. And the shame. The shame and the terror when I stop. The trauma of knowing what I've done. The suicidal nature of knocking back a full glass in one, just one after the other, like self harming. I'm so pleased you're giving us all a platform where we can be open and honest without judgement.
That bit about writing replies: that is just such a perfect encapsulation of the surreality of these experiences. That makes such perfect sense to me.
@@_BatCountry it's the whole delusional/rational thinking combined that makes it so insidious. I was having these auditory hallucinations that (I don't need to tell you) were as real to me as if someone was sat next to me talking. Yet, I knew that if I was to reply out loud in a room full of people, I'd look completely insane, so to rationalise that I decided to write it down because OBVIOUSLY, these imaginary voices could read that, and then reply back to me. Writing this now, in sobriety, seems so unbelievably ridiculous yet at the time it made perfect sense to me.
Wtf I had something similar but crazier like you except alien like demons were appearing when I rubbed my iPhone screen when it was off and I was responding to them but by writing with my finger smudging on the screen when it’s off but only I could see like demons lookin at me as if they had their own will / intelligence and responding to me having conversations
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. It really is traumatic. You have a quiet strength and you and you’re a captivating speaker. I could listen to you for hours. I just went through a relapse period after 1.5 years and it was the worst one yet. I managed the withdrawal at home myself and it felt like an exorcism. I hope that was the last. Sending strength to everyone fighting this challenge. ❤
Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. It really hurts to reset the clock after that amount of time. I hope you're doing well today, and I appreciate the comment.
hope you're on a good road now 😍
This has been really helpful for me. Thank you. It’s so easy to relapse. Especially with alcohol everywhere, including pressure to drink from family members that aren’t even big drinkers, in my case. When I don’t drink my skin clears up - that is a huge motivator for me these days to abstain entirely.
I been waiting to hear this! I remember my dt trip a few years ago. I'll never forget that. On a good note, I'm still working out everyday, eating great. Quit ciggs cold turkey almost 2 months ago. I'm addicted to this lifestyle now no b.s. I appreciate the content brother. Thank you an take care!
How’d you stop drinking? Did you go to AA? Any advice?
DT being exacerbated by head trauma is actually pretty well documented in medical literature, especially in patients who have sustained multiple TBIs. I have vague memories of being around my late grandpa when he would sober up enough to have us over around holidays and the breaks he would have, he eventually passed away from withdrawal syndrome. He used to race dirt track cars and sustained quite a few severe concussions from being involved in wrecks that I am sure played into it and it was a topic I researched quite a bit for university psych classes I took. The mechanism behind it is still beyond my level of understanding but injured nervous tissues never quite fully recover so the effects of any other neurological conditions are usually much more severe. There is also just a general link between head trauma and depressive states and impaired impulse control which in turn leads to a higher risk of alcoholism so it just creates this feedback loop of self destruction.
Thank you so much for your share. I too experienced delirium tremens 2 years ago come late October. I count November 1, 2022 as my sobriety date, as that was the day I was released from hospital. I never planned for my life to take this turn when I took my first drink at 17 years of age. Multiple attempts at sobriety, but today, I am staying sober just for today. God Bless you and everyone affected by this disease.
Thank you Marty, congratulations on your progress, long may it continue.
Even though I don’t know I’m glad you’re here sharing with us. What a storyteller
Thank you Zeus, good to see you here!
Your videos are so important. I am 2 weeks post detox after a relapse binge of 3 weeks after 4 years sober. Hearing your stories keeps me from binging again as it terrifies me my withdrawels getting worse. I have been lucky to only get moderate withdrawals so far. I don't want to take the gamble again and experience what you have. Keep doing what your doing boss, the community Will grow!
Try lots ov aa meeting mate our own will power is not enough 🙏🏻
After binge watching all your videos I am now looking forward going into a inpatient detox/rehab next week. I feel incredibly lucky that I have the help available because many people can not take the time off from work to go into treatment. I am fully disabled from a brain injury so scared shitless about what the next month will be like. At least I will be medically monitored in case I experience DTs. Your videos have scared me enough to seek help. God Bless you my friend. And after I had my major brain injury in 2012, I had at least 7 concussions and realize every time I banged my head the drinking always got worse. There is a 100% correlation between a brain injury and suicidal drinking. And just heard you mention you practice Krav Maga. You are definitely my hero now. Thanks again for your videos. Just trying to mentally prepare for treatment next week. Won't be my first time in Rehab (been in 6 over last decade) but it will be my very last rehab because I can't live this lifestyle anymore. Plus my family DR said my liver is in bad shape and if I do not stop drinking I will have serious liver damage. So it's now a life/death situation. Stay healthy my friend.
Hey! Apologies for the slow reply, and thank you greatly for this comment. I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, but I'm reassured that in a couple of weeks you'll still be here to talk about it.
Hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you get your injury?
The drinking of leftovers…..”incomprehensible demoralization!” 🤣❤️
You know, some people drink heavy into their 60's 70's and 80's. Then some drink themselves to death in their 20's and 30's. You have functional, and non-functional alcoholics- happy, and violent drinkers. Some experience DT's, withdrawals and some don't.
Alcohol affects everyone differently. However, I believe misery and death is the most common outcome for those that drink heavily. And, as someone who has been in the hospital several times for acute alcohol withdrawal, you better quit while you can. I wouldn't wish my dark experiences with alcohol on my worst enemy.
Demons exist. Hell exists. And, alcohol gave me an all expenses paid, vacation tour inside Hell.
Edit: I would like to applaud your courage for making this video. I admire your bravery, Sir -- I've seen your first video, and that's when I subscribed. It serves as a grim reminder to myself and others what will happen if we start drinking again. God Bless 🙏
Thank you mate. And I agree - there are no good outcomes for people who drink heavily. It's ALL bad news. Quitting is the best thing most of us can do.
I find this really hard to listen to as a fellow alchoholic. It makes me want to writhe and put my hands over my ears, i'm sure you know why. God knows how you have the bravery to share it.
I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable, other people's stories do that to me too. But I think that's what makes them essential, right?
@@_BatCountry Absolutely. And don't be sorry. That bit about securing a big win and then immediately going for beer and KNOWING you're fucking up. Tough stuff man.
Speaking as someone who still suffering I will say this man is so helpful it's almost unreal. It is what it is and and it's terrible@@JamieAldridge-z9h
right @@_BatCountry
You are such an amazing storyteller. It’s terrifying just listening to you describe these vivid hallucinations I can’t imagine actually living it in your mind.
Thank you so much, that's a lovely thing to say :)
I can relate to all you have just shared. The hallucinations, all of it. I remember being so saturated with hallucinating that I figured them out, knew what they were and would just fearlessly endure them. There were times drinking rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, and empties for their backwash. My God. How did I survive that madness, I'll never know. More importantly, I'll not forget. Hell on earth in the most sadistic form of slavery I could ever imagine is what it became for me. And for sure there's defenseless children out there somewhere being afflicted with far worse. God help them. But for those reasons, in my own little world, I equate my ordeal as WWIII.
You have a wonderful way with words, very poetic. Thank you for sharing, it will no doubt help so many.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate the compliment.
My dad died of alcohol withdrawals at age 52 , stay safe people
🙏💜🕯💧🌱🐾👣🌿🌎🕊
I'm sorry. May I ask, did he stop cold turkey? how long after his last drink did withdrawals become serious? I'm 8 days sober. No medical intervention. I assume I am out of the danger zone.
Stay safe Lolo ok
@@johnjoe3386 Thank you
You sir, are an INCREDIBLE story teller and an absolutely eloquent linguist. Appreciate your honesty on the subject. I've learned a lot as an individual on my sobriety journey of 3 years. Appreciate you and keep it up. Godspeed.
Thanks brother! I appreciate the support, and congrats on your time.
It's wild how the hallucinations can go from benign as you descibe the puppy in your chair to full on horror with violence. Your puppy reminded me that last time I was withdrawing in hospital I saw a basket of kittens under the bed oppostie and kept berating the nurses for not looking after them. That's my most benign and i thanked my brain on that occasion for not unleashing the shit show it had on previous occasions. Thanks for your videos, im binging them right now as I need to hear someone speak eruditely on their personal experiences with this ❤
I used to walk my buddy home..we drank together but after a while he could not walk..he had scares on his face from falling down..and his place was near..in the cold of the winter in Canada we would be there on his couch..Bobby had passed out..i was still there until his room mate showed up..drunk..and belligerent..i excused myself and went home..i did not have have head trauma as far as i can remember..but i was in the army and we certainly drank alot..thank you for the your candid conversation...but i know that when i stopped drinking beer i did go into some withdrawal..i could not sleep i was anxious and everything i had done wrong in my life came back to haunt me.
Hey Brian, thanks for sharing your experience. That withdrawal you had, that sounds like a close call. Once you've walked up to that line and crossed it, there's no crossing back to moderate drinking. It's sobriety, or worse.
My story. I drank 0.75l of vodka and a lot of beer in the morning for 2 weeks. I decided to quit: after three days of insomnia, terrible tremors and vomiting green liquid, I saw a dwarf in the kitchen (I lived alone) who was sitting at the table, smoking a cigarette and asked me: “Who are you?” Well... I ran into the street in my vomited pants, the police caught me and took me to the hospital emergency department...
Haha I saw a black magic priest and I was like yep my time has come , hope you are doing well🎉
@@morgoth1946 Thank you, I'm fine. I gave up drinking and bought a road bike)
@@УшастоеКенгуру amazing to hear brother if u ever come to India on the bike let me know !
What happened to the dwarf
😂😂😂 Of all the things your mind could have conjured up, it chose to conjure a nonchalant, trespassing, chain-smoking dwarf. So funny as an anecdote, but at the same time terrifying while it was happening, I’m sure. If you’d stayed in the house, maybe you’d have found another 6 of them in there.
My alcohol support team say that we shouldn't call it a relapse. We should call it a lapse. We made a bad decision but we can revover from our lack of judgement. Your very lucky to have a loving family. My father has stood by me through my alcoholism. Stuart we are lucky to have such loving families.
We are indeed, and I don't take it for granted.
This is the first vid I watch on your channel. What a story. I knew about withdrawal symptoms that could be quite severe, but I had no idea at all about these hallucinations. The way you told what happened and described them being virus-like was very realistic to me. Thanks for sharing your experience. Your story telling skills are exceptional, imo.
Thank you so much for the compliment Ann, and for watching!
Another 10/10 video. Felt myself getting a bit emotional during your description of your hallucinations, I think because I found it so relatable . Personally I haven't had direct hallucinations from alcohol, but I have had extremely vivid dreams which can compete with reality for their lucidness. They are usually violent and disturbing in nature, and leave you wondering "how did my mind even conjure up such things? I must be completely insane". They have been so horrifying that I have, in the past, actually felt afraid to go to sleep after drinking heavily because I do not want to see what my brain will confront me with next. Please continue making videos, and also I must reiterate the point that your channel deserves to be 100x more popular than it is!
Thanks for the comments Harry. I would also like a bigger audience, but it'll come in time. Fr now, I'm more interested in keeping it honest.
That thing about being afraid to close your eyes, that's so real, and so scary. What a horrible way to live.
Those words are very true. It’s like you can see through your eyelids when you close them. They are absolutely relentless.
Btw I’m glad you’re still here and documenting your human experience for the world. This may save someone’s life. Your story is horrible yet beautiful.
Thank you, I hope it's all of use to someone out there.
You hit the nail on the head. People don't realise it's like still being able to see through your eyelids. Strange but absolutely true. I think of it this way. Your brain is conjuring up an alternative reality.
@@cjh0751Yep
Another watch of this and it resonates even harder. The minesweeping leftovers, the daily spirits until I couldn’t physically walk through malnutrition and weakness 5 minutes to the shop for more, these factors are only three months past. I’m I had alcoholic hallucinations in withdrawal but not DT. Don’t laugh but it was of the clown from the BBC test card from the 70’s and he meant business. It terrified me as a child and now it was back as a subtle kick up the arse and wouldn’t go away. Allied to Bubbles were the maggots on the floor, shadows in the peripheral and voices of US policemen. Only some Librium faded them all away. I’ve been scared sober since.
Thankyou BC.
Oh god, "minesweeping leftovers" - I can't believe I've never heard that before, that's so perfect and so bleak. And I can totally imagine that clown - I dunno about you but i feel like a weird electrical current in my body in withdrawal, and i can totally see how that crackly, static image fits in with that. Congrats on your sober time - long may it continue - and thanks for the comment mate.
I just came here from what happens after DTs- the 1st video I’ve seen of yours and the 1st I’ve been able to relate to in trying to make sense of my own experience. Once again, I can relate with the traumatic brain injury. I had an accident in which I was in a coma for several days. Many years before the DT experience but alcohol was always involved to some degree. It’s really interesting to find these similarities.
You certainly are lucky to be alive, Stu! I had almost 2 years of sobriety before relapsing a couple of weeks ago. I'm almost over the withdrawals now and I've been sober for 6 days already! Luckily, this latest binge wasn't as severe as previous ones! Great video!
Thank you so much for your story. As yourself, I’m really in awe over the similarities in these experiences across both ages and land borders (I’m from Denmark). I feel almost every single account you describe - not the specific accounts, but the experience going through them. And it absolutely sticks with you! I had my first experience twenty years ago, and I recall every single thing that happened, but mostly I recall the feelings. They are so hard to explain, and you’re doing a great job doing just that. I’m NEVER going back to that place again. Not in a million years. All the best to you.
Thanks so much for the comment! And yeah, I recall the feelings too. I had written a lot of this stuff down at the time which is why I'm able to recall some of the specific details, but without my notes, I mostly remember the feelings, and snapshots of images.
Welcome back brother! Excited to listen to this tonight at work! 💯
Thanks mate, it's not an easy watch but I hope you get something out of it
I have also had extremely violent imagery during closed eye hallucinations and in very real feeling night terrors. I had a concussion when I was younger on the Ski slopes, a woman was out of control and crashed into my friend and I hit a patch of ice trying to stop to avoid them and slammed the back of my head onto solid ice. About eight years ago, I had a car accident where my head burst through my sunroof and the car kind of laid on my head until the rescue crew got there. After reflecting a lot on my past use while thinking about the connection of these violent images and head trauma, I realized that after the car accident is where my drinking started to get out of hand.
I have been tempted to start making videos similar to yours where I talk about the things that I saw and had dreams about. While they were not open eye hallucinations, they were extremely horrifying and it's still difficult to talk about sometimes. To put it simply, one of the worst things I saw when I was having closed eye visual hallucinations, was a view out of the sliding doors of a local grocery store, except the parking lot was this hellish wasteland with piles of dismembered body parts. A tall, thin demonic figure walked into my view with a machete, and a naked child ran past it and he grabbed the child and cut it's head clean off with the machete and proceeded to rape the corpse in the neck wound it created. It did not break eye contact with me the entire time and I cannot get the image of how bright white the eyes were. After that, I didn't close my eyes for more than 5 seconds at a time for almost 90 hours. I believe this is the first time I have actually written that out or told somebody about it, because it was so shocking to me that my brain would create such an awful thing and it really made me question who I am as a person.
Hey buddy.
As hard as it was for you to share that horror, and as hard as it must be for people to hear, that is what makes this stuff so essential, and so important. Because I saw stuff very similar to that, and I always assumed that it only happened to me, and therefore I must be a terrible person who didn't deserve help. If we want people to get sober, we have to make space for the uncomfortable stories like yours and mine, otherwise those who have also experienced them will continue to feel isolated and turn back to the bottle instead of to help.
I really appreciate you putting that in writing. I would gently encourage you to make a video or two too. I know not everyone has the freedom I do to talk about stuff that might show us in a bad light, but it helps me, so you might find something useful in doing it to.
Another really brave, eloquent and honest post. Your candour and desire to help is immense, fella. I really get a lot from your videos and they are helping me understand my own history. Please keep it up.
Thanks Giles, I really appreciate the support for this kind of stuff. It's not easy to put this kind of raw, disturbing stuff out there, and there isn't much of it, so it always makes me nervous. I'm glad you're getting something out of it.
This touched me so much I couldn’t help crying. Thank you for sharing. 🙏❤️ My dad died of alcoholism and my brother is a very bad alcoholic now… I noticed I was going the same route. I started praying to god to take this demon out of me. God help me. 🙏 8 days sober and I want to stay sober for a year.
I'm sorry you've had such tragedy in your life, it must be incredibly difficult. Congratulations on 8 days - just do the same tomorrow, and keep doing that. We're all with you.
@@_BatCountry Thank you for your kind words and support. 🙌 Staying strong and away from this poison.
Yes regarding the head injury I was reflecting on it. I started drinking fairly late in my life. Not like as people say the typical alcoholic, who starts early drinking. When I was 25 I suffered a kick to the head. My girlfriend at the time even noticed and said you started drinking all the alcohol at my home after this incident happened. And that was not usual to me. It’s super interesting how impulsive control can get lost. I didn’t make a medical check yet. But know I’m convinced to do so. Keep up the great work! Thank you!
Thanks Smitty, keep us posted on the results of that medical check
I got my most memorable Delirium Tremens while in Prison and as you say, those hallucinations are so vivid, I was glad I was in jail at the time. Can't imaging what I would have done that could have ended up killing me if I had been out there. Mine was also very very violent with things I still unfortunately perfectly remember nearly 20 years later. Thank you for your work.
I love this man I look forward to hear he’s stories much respect ❤
Thanks!
. Thanks for sharing! These recollections of yours are truly enthralling.
Thank you Katman, it's not an easy watch so I'm glad you stuck with it.
@@_BatCountry I wasn't sure if you referenced this site in previous videos, but a site you should check out is called "DeliriumTremens" on UA-cam. It should be quite interesting to you as he, like yourself, is also one of the few people to go through this and live to tell the tale(s). He starts out explaining how rare it is and that in fact very few people live to tell the tale and only they can truly understand how chillingly real it is to the person experiencing it. It was posted about 3 years ago and if memory serves me is actually part of a series of videos he put out going into detail about one particular experience that I certainly will never forget. .
Unbelievably relatable. You have the rate gift of being able to present the entire reality in an incredibly honest, articulate way. Be safe xx
I can relate to it all its so hard to hear but helpful to know I’m
Not alone
Man the story of trying to stave off the withdrawals by any way necessary really hit me. You feel it coming and you know the agony. I would beg and steal to keep drinking. I would take any shame or embarrassment, I would voluntary lose jobs, abandon my family. Alcohol should be illegal. My hallucinations came when I closed my eyes. Faces, gory medieval faces would fly at me. I couldn’t sleep for days because I was so scared to see the faces. Then you have the shaking, sweating and your heart pounding out of your chest. Alcohol withdrawal is no joke, I just go to the hospital when I relapse now. Can’t do it without being heavily drugged with Valium.
The faces, man. Always the disfigured face. There's a few of us who see those - for you it's medieval faces, for me it's world war 1 faces. That similarity in our experiences is really interesting - any theories where that comes from/what it means?
@@_BatCountry I just think perhaps it is nightmarish. I don't know man, but I don't want to see them again. I'm getting shivers just thinking about them. I screamed so loudly at one point the nurses came and injected me with valium. I was on a ward of 5 other alcoholics, all of them were homeless and going through DTs. Thank god I never got to that level, but hearing their stories and screaming was haunting.
The worst part is that it takes a few days for them to really start, so you know what you are in for at you lowest (end of a relapse). You know you aren't in for a few days of a hangover and back to normality, you are going to hell for days.
Love your videos dude, it really helps me identify my own experience with this evil drug. Long may we remain free and sober.
I had full blown DT's in February 2023 at 39 years old. I had a bad fall and I split my forehead to the skull. I decided to quit drinking about a half gallon of vodka everyday for a very long time even if I was sick. I ended up vomiting 3/4 of a 5 gallon bucket of blood, catatonic seziors, brain swelling, Hepatic Encephalopathy. I spent 13 days in ICU renal cardiac wing because I went straight into Delirium Tremons. I went straight to hell and I brought back a lot of new diagnosis including liver cirrhosis. It's unbelievable what alcoholism can and will do to you. Prayers for those struggling. Do medical detox because it will kill you.
It's so important that people know your experience can happen to them. People know alcohol isn't good but they just don't know HOW BAD it can be. Hope you're doing good today mate.
@@_BatCountry yeah, I appreciate what youre doing man. I hope you are well. I'm still needing a transplant. I don't want anyone to ever experience what we've been through. It's the worst way to die. I'd rather be burned to death. It'd be quicker
Have never experienced DTs myself, but I used to have an alcoholic girlfriend (now deceased) who had them while she was in hospital after being knocked down by a car. When I went to visit her I was told by the senior ward nurse not to give her a cigarette lighter or any matches because they’d had some “trouble” with her overnight. They didn’t say what this trouble consisted of but when I asked my girlfriend she told me that spiders had been crawling all over her during the night and as she couldn’t get out of bed due to her leg being in a cast, she’d had to try and burn them off the bedsheets with her cigarette lighter.
Withdrawing from alcohol without medical supervision from alcohol can kill you. Ditto benzos. I've been addicted to both simultaneously, and found out the hard way that quitting without medical supervision is terrifying and incredibly dangerous.
Much agreed.
Thank you for your strength and honesty in sharing this. I had an experience like this in my first weeks of sobriety last year and have never had the courage to further uncover it and talk about it in hopes of finding resolve. (The halucinating the puppy experience, impending doom experience, amongst some other parts) You sharing this is inspiring me to work towards being honest about my true experiences in getting sober… thank you 🙏🏼
Hey! Thanks for the comment. In all seriousness, honesty has been the difference for me this time. Brutal honesty means accountability, and I've come to believe that's essential for long-term sobriety, I hope you're doing good today!
I actually suffered from DTs from fentanyl precipitated withdrawal. I was hallucinating my dead grandma, seeing shadows, and having auditory hallucinations of people talking to me in my brain. I also have a history of head trauma, I fractured my skull and got a concussion back in high school. I don’t hear too many people talk about opiate withdrawal coming with DTs, mainly just alcohol, so I didn’t expect to experience that whatsoever. It traumatized me. Ironically I relapsed after as if it didn’t traumatize me enough.
Wow just as I’m continuing my to watch this video and hear more… I also had one pupil bigger than the other for years, it’s not as noticeable now. I never gotten it checked out but I always assumed it had something to do with the head trauma I experienced.
I think you're great. I'm so sorry about your withdrawal nightmares; no-one believes how terrifying they can be until they've lived it for themselves. I didn't know my brain was capable of conjuring some of my withdrawal scenes, they were so repulsive and disgusting and yes, often themed around torture, blood and the fear of imprisonment. It's not your fault man - you were cursed with the same awful genetic disposition that other people with alcohol/substance abuse have. Now, you look well, you look healthy, and you have a lovely manner of speech. Keep that going; keep being in control; the sun shines brighter everyday when you're grateful that another day is to be had.
My last 50 relapses were instant suicidal drinking and drug taking I would not wish them on my worst enemy if had some very dangerous home alone detox’s I’m now 4 and a half years sober 🙏🙏🙏📕📕📕📕
Oh God this took me right there again, it's good to remember sometimes. The DT hallucinations I had were more detailed, vivid and horrific than any drug I've ever taken. They're seared into my brain. I was in hospital detox most times but the benzodiazepines don't stop them. I really want to say never again! Thank you for this
Tanks Davey, I'm sorry to hear you went through it, but happy you made it out alive. And yeah, it's so hard to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it - it's just not like a drug trip.
Truly harrowing Stuart. Thank you for baring your soul, my friend.
Thanks for your constant support here Asif, I do appreciate it.
Thankfully, I have not experienced full-blown DTs. I've had glimpses through both auditory and tactile hallucination..man...they were traumatic enough. Thank you again Stuart. @_BatCountry
Stuart we are brother and sisters who are suffering. I see you as an equal who just happens to have a UA-cam channel. Your a voice for all of us alcoholics. Your a very brave man who speaks for us. I have total respect for you.
Thank you CJ. Honesty is the path, and this youtube account is keeping me honest.
@@_BatCountry I have to keep rewatching your videos because I keep finding something new that I missed before. You're doing very important work to help people Stuart. I could not get on with AA that's why I'm giving Project 6 my time.
Another great video. The hallucinations that come with the DTs can be really strange - my delirium lasted a few days but the hallucinations took about two weeks to subside.
Thanks Paul! Even now with a lot of sobriety under my belt, I still fear those hallucinations, do you have that too?
There could be a connection yes. I have had numerous head traumas from a young age. I was a footballer and knocked out a few times with the ball and head collisions. I was a junior boxer for 3 yrs. I have been kicked unconscious when drunk in street brawls and Other accidents. I am a keen painter and I can throw paint on a canvas and immediately see faces and shapes that look familiar and I bring these images to life in my work. I have been a alcoholic most of my life a binge drinker and have been in and out of therapy since 1995. I have just reach the antabuse therapy decision at 53 and have suffered the DT's and hospitalised. As a child of 7 yrs I had a medical emergency where My heart stopped 3 times and i was in a coma from a bad reaction to junior dispirin doctors say it was Rheays Syndrome and I believe near death experiences open doors of perception. Anyway im still sober and love your pod cast.
Hey man, I just found your channel yesterday, I've been trying for a few months to get clean, I'll do two weeks here, three there (putting myself through the withdrawals basically everytime). Finding your channel cut this relapse very short, as when i found your channel yesterday it had "only" been my third day back on the bottle, so here's to another day 1. Im beginning to think i may need to go to meetings, I can deal with the physical stuff, but when the strong cravings happen, my mind is very good at convincing me that somehow im the exception, that i can go back to having a normal relationship with alcohol. Foolish. Kind of a rambly comment but the point im trying to get to is, thank you for the content you make, for having the bravery to share your story with everyone willing to listen, and congratulations on your sobriety. I will not drink with you today.
And to reply to your inquiry in the video, I've been a drinker since 18 (27 now), I fell out of a tree about four years back, broke my nose, I don't remember much of anything surrounding that event so I probably had at least a minor concussion, I never really thought about it but I guess it's possible that there's a connection, as I feel the drinking has only become an actual problem (noticable decline in mental health and general well being along with struggling to quit) in the past few years
Hey Moony, thanks so much for this, and I'm happy this has been useful to you. Yeah maybe hit some meetings, that's what they're for so don't be shy, and keep us posted on your progress.
@@_BatCountry day 2 man, I appreciate the reply, I reached out to the helpline today to find a meeting. In one of your videos you mentioned trying to stop through pure willpower, kinda white knuckling it without doing the actual work, I related a lot, that's what I was doing, and every time it's ended the same. It's time for a change. The work you're doing is so important man, I've been watching slayer-sober too, you all are showing the rest of us we're not alone
took me 2 years till now,, Delirium phases then a Hosptalisation when severe Halucinations hit ,, 10 years drinking abrupt stop,,and on Baclofen,, then 6 months later Bad Hemorage Stroke left side wasnt ment too survive 7 weeks no memory,, left hospital after 4 months recovery to get hit with 2nd Hemorage Stroke right side,,heart stopped many times through all this,,,, i have Aphasia now memory and talking is complicated but not known how i survived so much bleed and sezures,,still getting scans Nurology hospital but can still walk n talk ok,, the Delirium shadows never really leave,, they remind me every week there still suprise me,,
I've been binging your channel for a couple days, it's too interesting not to. But that whole discussion about the puppy hallucinations and the way you describe it is so fucking fascinating. I'm really glad you're doing much better, making these vids and that I was able to stumble across them.
The style of your videos is very appealing to me, the mellow background music, your incredibly good manner to tell stories, the whole setting and not least the content. I didn´t drink nearly as much as you but I also had my problems and have been sober since over two years now. I watched quite every video of yours and I´m excited for every one to come. I wish you all the best, keep on! Greetings from south Germany - Bavaria.
servus heiko, wi geht es mit dir? Hit me up if you're ever in Berlin buddy, and congratulations on more than two years. That's inspirational.
I recently went through another of two relapses. I was pretty afraid of withdrawal and decided to go back to detox. This withdrawal story is pretty harrowing. I am glad you made it out, man.
My first ever comment on UA-cam. Lad, you are the best. I'm Totally tired of drinking.
Hey Colin, sorry for the slow reply, but I'm very proud to be your first comment. Have you packed the drinking in yourself?
Very old story I suppose. I've spent 5 years in & out of AA. I was doing well up until late March. By the time the early June came around I was arguing about the 12th step with my AA Sponsor. One night we had a bad argument and for want of a better word said goodbye. Since that day until a week or two ago, I've been back in the mess. Thanks for asking.
Thank you for making these videos… It invoke a lot of suppressed horrific memories, but I guess I need that. Keep up the good work.
This is nuts. I never had DTs but I can't even imagine how horrific they must be. Great video and thanks for sharing :)
DTs: one star, do not recommend.
Thanks for the comment, always good to see you here. Hope you're doing good.
@@_BatCountry Thanks :) hope you are too!!
Wow, all i can say is im proud of you man! you've you gone through a lot.
I genuinely like what you're doing, love the mention of Delirum Dirk, not many people get this shit and it's scary beyond words. You aren't mentally ill, your an alcoholic, that unfortunately had to much on a bender. Personally I lost it, and called the police on my friend, who wasn't him, but it was, same day I yelled at someone that ... wasn't real in my carport while on the phone with another alcoholic and he told me to go to the ER. I should have, but this crap is mortifying. I thankfully didn't get the hell dreams but, the rest was hell. Not for 1 second did I think liquor can drive you nuts. It can, and similar to Dirk, I don't think people in the ER could understand I'm not using drugs, I'm just a drunk, but when you get that bad, according to numbers it's 3-4%, and I don't wish that upon anyone to go through what you or I did. Your experience was worse, but, not a contest, it just sucks any way you look at it.
Thank you for the comment mate. If I can prevent a single person from going through it, it'll all be worth it.
I ones had 2 acid tablets 30 years ago I was tripping terrible for 24 hours it scared me that bad I never did it again and can remember it like it was last week but alcohol a smashed my life and my sanity over and over again 😢
stay well sir
I came across your channel quite by accident. I found what you had to say riveting!
That, together with your clear gift of the ability to relate a set of circumstances perfectly!
I've subscribed to your channel and look forward to more!!
You have a gift, sir, and you should be very proud.
Thank you for the subscription, and welcome aboard!
Thank you for such a well explained,descriptive account of the sheer Hell of delirium tremens.My horrific experiences have been somewhat similar but taken on a slightly different narrative nevertheless just as petrifying and hard to believe in the sober light of day that my subconscious mind is able to conjure up such demonic events.I think that anyone who has gone through it and the profound effect it has on you afterwards because there is not a day that I don’t think about the auditory and visual Hell that my body and mind put me through for depriving it of what it wanted.I have often tried to explain to people in alcohol group or to other individuals trying to quit what can happen only to be met with the look that I have a very vivid imagination or have watched to many horror films but the reality is I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.Keep up the good work Stuart it’s helping a lot of people and your ability to tell a well explained story with absolute honesty is incredible.
Thanks TK, I appreciate the support. This is pretty raw stuff to put out in the world so I'm grateful that it connects with people who've had similar experiences.
That thing that people suspect you've soon too many Saw movies? That's so accurate.
i hallucinated that i accidentely killed my own (very much loved) cat by breaking all of her legs, beceause i thought she was a doll and i swung her around. i cried after that couple of times but i know my cat was alive and well, that expirence broke my heart.
You have a very calm way of expressing yourself. Really good speaker.
Thank you very much!
My grandfather had delirium…. He’d yell at the vacuum cause a neighbor was inside taunting him, or inside the radiator, even once he hit the floor convinced another guy was outside with a rifle trying to kill him…. He drank really heavy ever since his time in the merchant marine during ww2. It’s horrible..
PTSD and alcoholism are common, and it can lead to the most disturbing DTs of ALL of them. All the horrible shit you've seen in your life gets dragged up and used against you. Sorry for your experience, I hope you came out of it ok.
8 days, gonna try. It’s so painful
Keep it up, and keep us posted. Good luck.
Great video, yet again! A little side remark: it’s amazing that you remember a lot of details form your drunken states, not just in this story but also in others. I have tried recollecting my own drunken states and relapses, but can do that only with a fraction of the details that your stories have. Good on ya’!
My last DTs experience was in 2005. Vikings climbing out of the TV screen carrying severed heads, then leaving through the patio door, and standing in the garden staring at me through the windows. My Mothers voice coming from inside the radiators, telling me what a useless and hopeless piece of sh*t I was. My dead Maternal Grandmother standing motionless in the corner of the kitchen, staring at me, then 'teleporting' all around the house wherever I went, and cute looking cartoon Mice, dressed in Victorian style clothing, dancing around a Maypole while singing Erika and Georgie Girl. . . If it hadn't been for my Father breaking in, and getting me into the Royal Berks Hospital, I question if I'd be around today. 6257 days. Both AA and Rational Recovery.
Thanks for your comments recently mate, and huge congratulations on your sobriety. Long may it continue.
Thanks so much for having the courage to share just how progressively violent the hallucinations associated with delirium tremens get. This is no joke. Like you my hallucinations started pretty tame-- a song I like playing quietly in another room. Then it's playing inches from my face. Then it's playing loud enough that the bass rhythm rattles my eyeballs. Then the closed-eye visuals of unimaginable cruelty and sadism-- the sight of which I still haven't completely recovered from. It's so hard to describe because it's so abstract-- everything is writhing, undulating, screaming, bleeding, eating. Dirk's videos were great because his warning was so unambiguous-- if you're in withdrawal and experiencing hallucinations of any kind, go to the hospital immediately; don't wait for it to get worse because it almost certainly will.
Hey Seb! Thanks for the support, this stuff isn't easy to talk about so as many similar experiences like yours I read in the comments, the more I'm sure this stuff is of benefit. I hope you're good mate.
Can i just say dude that you are infact Hot shit.... no matter what comes ahead you are an absoloute badass to have dealt with and survived the horrible terrible things that you have.. youre such a badass honestly and please keep doing what your doing because at this point you are such a positive inspiration.. your story is yours and it will always be yours to tell.. but im thankful you decided to share your horrors with us, thank you dude 🖤
Wow thank you Robyn, that is an incredibly generous compliment.
@@_BatCountryit's okay dude, I really mean it
I'll tell you what you have helped me so much this week, especially about the brain injury, I had lots to drink on my birthday after drinking only a few beers every night for year's, well since I ended up in hospital after going over the handle bars of my bike straight onto my forehead which led to a bleed on the brain. Well I woke up after this drink and my head felt like I'd fallen of my bike again, the same feeling I'd had after months of hard drinking. I just thought how can I feel like this ,it was terrible I thought I've not been drinking heavily except for my birthday, I had the shakes vivid dreams no hallucinations thank God. But yeah a real wake up call, in fact I still had a beer in the evening just to stop the sudden withdrawal symptoms, fkn hell this is hard to put down, let's just say I felt like I'd been drinking hard for months that's how my brain felt, so when you mentioned the brain injury it clicked it really did. So today is the first day of my abstinence from drink, because now I know my next drink could kill me. Thank you for sharing
I so appretiate you sharing this side of alcoholism.
I really appreciate the comments you've been posting, thank you so much for watching.
Thanks, man. These videos really help me
Thanks for watching, and for the comment.
"I do things in a blackout which I am proud of" said no one ever.😢
Amazing discussions on the Darkest Side of the end-game of a booze lifestyle: hell on earth, psychosis. You’ve endured this in jails, home, and the worst hospitals I can imagine. Would be fascinated on your take on things like quit lit, supplements for recovery, CBT therapy, attempts at moderation, brain chemistry, your hangovers earlier in your journey, anything and everything you have tried, experienced, or researched during your recovery periods. Someone, I think Jordan Peterson, explained that for some people, booze hits the brain like opioids. And for that group: lookout. Anyway, keep the content going!
I'm glad this video was recommended, thank you for uploading.