Long-term friend: "Why are you looking at my nose, not my eyes?" Me: "I'm autistic, it's a trick to mask it but you're too close" Friend: "You don't look autistic" Me: "You literally just...I mean...oh god...." That's a conversation that actually happened.
It is only a contradiction when you understand what it means. He just doesn't know what "autism" looks like. But the funny point is that usually the only thing that people know about ASD is that we do not look in the eyes (supposedly)
@@redpalex Don't be. My best friend reaction when I told her (I was diagnosed at 38): "Ah, that explains SO much!". Hasn't changed anything, really. Most people have reacted that way. Even the neurotypical people (like the above best friend).
The worst is when you stop listening and start seeing again and you realise your eyes have dropped and they are looking at the speakers' boobs. Just let me look at the wall.
"The thing is, as an adult you don't suddenly wake up and think about having an autism diagnosis because life is good and everything is going great. It usually happens after a period of intense stress or burnout. And the reason is, the more stressed the autistic person is, the more their traits pop and the more energy it takes to hide them and the less energy they have and it kind of goes round in a terrible circle." This is so accurate, thank you for describing it so very well.
and thank you for taking this part out. I've been trying to sum it up even for myself, since my diagnosis (4 months ago, age 35). This is exactly the perfect summary.
This bit really resonated with me too. Although my life is currently going a bit better than it was previously, I've been working through some stuff in therapy that was bringing up a lot of bad memories, and going through that is what made me realise that... oh... all of these things that happened to me, that I never understood and I believed were my fault, would be completely explained if I were autistic. I'd wondered about it for years but that was the thing that made me decide to consider formal diagnosis- I just couldn't handle all of that baggage without an explanation any more.
I had a strong suspicion for a long time that I was autistic. I finally got an official diagnosis that I am. I'm almost 60 years old. It's a bit of a personal tragedy finding out so late in life. If you were born prior to the 1980s and are autistic you were pretty much out of luck. I have easily seen a good dozen mental health professionals since my teens. Not one of them ever picked up on my autism. The sad truth is, there's a lot of ignorance about autism even among mental health professionals.
I’m 56 and awaiting my formal diagnosis… Also regret not being able to answer the question to why I don’t have the same energy levels than everyone else, sooner! Also I’m now finding gadgets and advice that is helpful in distressing… Rather late than never!
This I feel is because clinicians like to see a positive outcome from their interventions. Diagnosing old farts like me in my mid 50's does not leave them with the same warm glow that they would get from diagnosing a young person.
This is up there with the “you seem so chill socially” while internally I’m screaming and want to retreat to a corner and spend half an hour googling my special interest
Totally. Also, I feel like I never get to talk about what I want to talk about. At family gatherings, I'll often overhear my autistic nephew talking extensively about Star Wars and I'll be thinking, "If I weren't keeping such a tight lid on it right now, I could be delivering a lecture on the difference between the simple past tense and the present perfect or on Lithuanian noun declension -- and I'd be having a ball." But I know that sort of thing not socially acceptable so I keep quiet and listen to everyone talk pointlessly about things like what they did over the weekend. I'm somewhat jealous of my nephew who is less bothered about whether or not he's being socially acceptable.
@@sueannevangalen5186 I hope it's appropriate to say but it warms my heart as an Lithuanian person that someone has Lithuanian noun declension as their special interest
@@adelest9500 ❤️❤️❤️ I am thrilled to "meet" you online!!! I am not even a little bit Lithuanian, but I lived and worked there as an English language teacher from 2000 till early 2003 (actually, I was back and forth from Canada but I was mostly there). I was in Klaipeda mainly but then in Vilnius for half a year. I love Lithuania as well as your fascinating language. I had never studied a language that uses noun declension before and I found it a beautiful mode of self-expression. Also, I was pretty deeply in love with a young Lithuanian man at the time and had a female friend who didn't speak English. Something just happens when you use a language to do something meaningful like build relationships, doesn't it? The language becomes very near and dear. My favourite Lithuanian word is "pasivaikscioti" because you can take a long, leisurely walk just saying it ❤️❤️❤️ How wonderful to hear from you. LT is my home away from home.
The psychologist who diagnosed me (who also has ADHD & ASD) actually said something that I'd never heard of before. Apparently a large number of us with ASD have what gets described as an 'Autistic Accent'. It's not universal, and so isn't part of any assessment criteria, but is apparently common enough that it's something they listen out for. Specifically, it's a habit of pausing for a moment mid-sentence, like we're processing what we're about to say to make sure to make sure that it's still valid. Which.. I definitely do lol
Once I was talking with my sister and her husband. And all of sudden he started to giggle and said: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But you're sounding just like your brother right now. He talks the same way as you do". My brother has ASD, and I was actually really glad he said this! Because I was still in the process of figuring out wether I had ASD too or not. For us it was indeed the pausing a lot or thinking super hard about everything haha
Now that's interesting! I do that, too - not diagnozed with autism (yet), but for sure have autistic traits (and am still in the middle of the process of finding them all).
I actualyl had this "fight" with my GP.. who literally said, "you don't look autistic?" and ifinally had enough and went "NO.. i don't because i am a high masking 40 something year old female not a 6 year old in crisis!".. at which point they went uncomfortably quiet.. sometimes a meltdown is not throwing down on the floor and screaming..
I’ve suspected for most of my life that I was autistic. So about 10 years ago, I took the AQ test online and said “you might be autistic, talk to a professional” So I told my then therapist, who was an MD with a PhD in psychology, and he says: “you don’t look autistic” 🤦🏻♀️ Thankfully, a decade later, ai found a therapist who knew I was autistic/adhd even before I told her and sent me for an evaluation, which resulted in my getting my double diagnosis. It sucks that even mental health professionals have this bias
I just went through this myself- Friday, Feb 3rd. As a retired medic, the experience miffed me so much, it inspired me to start a substack. I totally agree that it sucks but am hoping we can change that. (In my first ever appointment with a psychotherapist for me- she nailed it right away; I was already diagnosed ADHD inattentive type at the type- but she encouraged me to consider autism. After a year of trying without considering it, I brought up again. She recommended "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price, PhD and the book just resonated with me. I then took an AQ online- and that's what lead me to my most recent appointment. The MD I saw was just an MD, but he was kinda naive to all of it- insteead pushing stuff I've long managed fairly successfully- like anxiety and depression. In the end, he acquiesced- saying he'll refer me to whoever I want to get an assesment, but the experience I had with him? It kinda f'd up my day... and I was expecting it. This needs to change.
I feel, “professionals” are as good as their training, what they have learnt. That’s why it’s important to follow your gut and get a second or third opinion.
@@tomyasko4100 I’ve pretty much given up on myself. I have dealt with my “weirdness” for all of my 65 years on this crazy little planet. So I have figured out how to exist, without getting in the way. I drive OTR solo. I have for almost 19 years. Before that, jobs were a struggle. Couldn’t hold on to one for very long before something happened. But in this job, I only have to view the world through the windows. And I can’t afford the expensive process, just to be sure. All of the online tests that were recommended to me I blew off the map. And I would take them again out of doubt and a feeling that maybe I made a mistake, didn’t read the questions right. But the score just got higher. I asked someone I knew who had been diagnosed, and they told me that that was mask coming down. 🤷♂️🤦♂️ I’m pretty sure. But more power to you! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
When I started loomong for a diagnosis I saw a psychiatrist who got her Master's in autism specifically. She took my $1200, ran me through some test, then told me I couldn't be autostic because of a couple story-telling behaviors. I knew exactly the behaviors she was talking about because those were the things that she asked me to do that made my skin crawl. Master's degree in autism and still doesn't know a single thing about masking 😑
Last time I was told "you don't look ADHD" was by my psychiatrist.... I'm 31, she'd been treating me for the last 7 years (in Spain, psychiatrist just prescribe meds, the ones who do the therapy are the psychologists) and didn't notice a single thing. So there I was, with a complete report from the therapist who diagnosed me, looking absolutely doumbfounded and then she says "anyway, even if you had ADHD as a child, the simptoms disapear when you grow up, so it's irrelevant now". That felt like an atack, like I was saying nonsense or liying. I masked SO HARD from then on, terribly stressed, feeling so little and invalidated, just wishing to go away. Ofc, never came back.
I very recently experienced a similar situation with my Psychiatrist after getting an autism diagnosis from my therapist and I just haven't gone back to see my psychiatrist since then hahaha
I'm autistic and I love people and conversations, I've stopped masking in the last year and it's really helped me find people who will respect me and love me for me.
Like, I don't try to force myself to be "normal". I don't follow scripts anymore. I just say what I'm thinking, even if I know it might not be the "right" thing to say. I'm not trying to pass anymore. I wear my Garfield hat to work, I let people know when I'm in distress and that I need time to myself, then put my headphones on.
I'm in a very similar place in my life with dropping the mask whenever possible. It's been more liberating than expected. Wishing you all the best from Oregon 🌲🌊
I feel like I compartmentalize my life (interests, feelings, opinions, expression, etc), so it feels like no one fully knows me... For example to some internet stranger, I might be more open about one side of me, but to people I meet irl, I hide those parts, and show a different side of me... etc. When I came out as Bi to my family, they were surprised, since they had never suspected it, and I think the reason above might be why.
Very relatable... Only once in my adult life have a bunch of my friends been assembed in one room together. Me thinks if it ever happens again, they might be a bit surprised as I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type at 38, I've been a closeted member of the LGBTQ family for some 30+ years and am just starting the process of obtaining an ASD diagnosis (with the encouragement of a psychotherapist who saw through all my masking). Generally, I would read the room and act appropriately, but I'm tired of masking, especially when it comes at my expense and it isn't helping anything. I'm now compartmentalized to the point of frustration (despite what they say in Ghostbusters, some times crossing the streams *is* a good thing)- so that will change, too.
Thank you for another wonderful video. I have not been officially diagnosed with Autism yet so I don't tell people about it but I was diagnosed with ADHD between 10-12 and my whole life I've heard "you don't look ADHD." And I'm like ... what? They believe a hyperactive bouncing off the wall can't sit still person is ADHD. I always use this opportunity to pull out my knowledge and educate the masses lol. I think by the time I'm done talking they realize I'm definitely ADHD.
"They believe a hyperactive bouncing off the wall can't sit still person is ADHD..." I know someone who nearly married a guy with ADHD and even she was dismissive of the idea that I have ADHD, because his behavior was very erratic even when medicated. The intersection of ASD and ADHD also surely results in behaviors that throw people off.
Another version of this is saying “but everyone is a little on the spectrum.” My sister is a school psychologist and said this to me, and I told her it is said actually a very dismissive comment that makes me feel like other people think I’m saying I’m autistic to be attention seeking or quirky or something. Thank you so much for this video. I often doubt my own autism because of these types of comments. It’s so hard to embrace it when the world constantly dismisses our experiences with autism!
I get the feeling that "everyone does that, try to show yourself some self compassion" is a big part of most psychologists' toolkits. I like my therapist, but she tends to default pretty quickly to that general approach. Yeah, I can certainly catastrophize. But a lot of things really are a bigger problem for me than for the "average person," and many of them create real problems. I'm not, in fact, that bad at recognizing real issues. If psychologists go that route automatically, it can start to resemble gaslighting.
Not everyone comes with fucked up brain architecture. Psychologists like her have obviously no neuroscience background and what they say is dismissive af
@@keylanoslokj1806 It's so frustrating. I am reminded at intervals how thoroughly separated physical medicine and behavioral science are. As if physiological conditions never influence cognitive function! I'd like to pursue my dysautonomia with a neurologist, but I have this idea they throw heavily to the physical medicine side. If I have POTS as part of it I might be able to get somewhere, but absent a "physical" symptom I suspect they would either suggest Xanax or just tell me to get counseling, which I've been in for years.. Those were the only two things my GP suggested a few years ago. At least my psyche did suggest Clonidine, which helps some.
My step mom looked serious at me and said "Excuse me, Kiki, but you don't have autism", when I told her about my diagnosis (that I received at 41). Still thinking about it three years later 😐
The reaction of disbelief is also the one I was met with when I announced my midlife autism diagnosis to my family, friends and co-workers. Some of them still refuse to accept the fact.
@@messyjessynavigatestheworld I wish! 😊 I tried to persuade her. We didn't speak about it since. It has been several years. I think she still doesn't believe me. But this is just her personality. I know I should let go, the diagnosis is valid and correct in my opinion and experience.
My coworker said "I had no idea that you were struggling with stuff like that," which felt pretty similar to "you don't look autistic." Also, my brother responded with the good ol' "maybe we're all a little bit autistic." You said something really profound in this video that resonated with me... that "a lot of what we think are autistic traits that will always be there and they're just a part of autism are actually expressions of autistic distress." Wow.
My mom tried to pull a version of "we're all a little autistic" and my sister and I are just lowkey trying to convince her /she's/ autistic and has adhd, because where else would we have gotten it.
I feel the thing your coworker said, could maybe have been meant truly sympathetic? Even though „stuff like that“ sounds a bit off 🙈 Probably depends very much on the tone it’s said in 😅
see, "everyone is a little autistic" makes me want to scream and I'm not even autistic myself, i just feel so strongly about invalidation and a lack of understanding...
@@Yeneney Yeah, i get that. To me personally it also sounds very much like "shut up now and get on with life, we all have problems". It's not a very empathetic thing to say T_T
It is terrible! 😔 I really hope you never had to come back to this ignorant prick. I had something similar experience once, he made me take antianxiety pills before believing me I have ADHD and ASD (both previously diagnosed by professionals) and prescribing me my ADHD non-stimulant medicine after all. I mean some doctors truly are dangerous. Take care! 💙
Yes I changed to another doctor and she is wonderful. My strategy for finding non narcissistic doctors is to really look at their photos on the website and notice who is smiling with their eyes. And choose them
@@BeautifulAwakening That's interesting! In my country almost no doctors are sharing pictures. They usually even don't have the website. I try to read the reviews but it is quite unreliable. Anyway I am happy you were able to find a great doctor! 😄
@@BeautifulAwakening That's really interesting! I have always chosen my medical professionals by their pictures without actually knowing why I trusted them. But my intuition has served me well. I actually have had amazing experiences with my medical providers.
There is a significant disconnect between the diagnosis and an understanding of the diagnosis. I had the unfortunate experience of working with a group of humans 20 years younger than me about 2 years ago, and I was expected to eat lunch with them. Due to sensory issues, I could not, and it forced me to explain to them the reason. From there out they ostracized me and talked about me, right in front of me, as though I was grossly unintelligent. I have a master's degree and function quite well with masking and hiding my stimming. I wish there was better understanding of what autism means. Thanks for this.
When anyone says to me -> "You don't look autistic" my thought is "that's good, my masking must be working" and I'd take it as a compliment. I hadn't occurred to me that it might be any form of aggression.
I find it hard to blame people who think I "don't look Autistic" and "don't look ADHD" because until a year ago I didn't seriously consider I had either condition myself. I was as unfamiliar with Aspergers and Inattentive ADHD as they are, much less that someone could have both. Even with the knowledge I have now, looking back at people I've known in my life I can only think of one person I've ever met who was probably Aspergers and one who was probably Inattentive (or otherwise subtle) ADHD. All the diagnosed ADHD kids I knew in high school were hyperactive and impulsive. Even my coworkers who are both very functional ADHD both "look ADHD" - one diagnosed has perpetual manic energy, the other undiagnosed but is very impulsive and constantly has one or both legs pumping when sitting. What I do resent is the people who are stubborn on the issue. It's one thing to be surprised, even skeptical of the idea that I have ASD and ADHD. It's quite another to insist it's impossible for superficial reasons. I'm also quite annoyed, and a bit perplexed, by the reaction I have gotten exclusively from some older adults (old enough to be my parents) is a sort of horrified denial. It's not that they're narrow-minded on their definition of the condition and can't/won't adapt to new information; they're actively mortified at the possibility and unwilling to consider it on emotional grounds.
I am diagnosed autistic (and my clinician said v.likely adhd too but that wasn't her field) and I can tend to recognise neurodivergent fellow humans immediately from tiny tiny things that others can't. Like the smallest facial movements, and I swear we have different eyes. I tend to find these signifiers magnetic and beautiful.
That's so interesting! Perhaps a skill that will be valued in the future ... imagine how many people could be helped by earlier diagnosis. So many people I feel deeply resonant with have said 'me too' when I confided that I am only now realising (in my 40s) that I'm autistic. And I see it in them somehow, like a deep knowing of some kind.
how would you describe the "eyes" you recognize? I have a hard time explaining how i can detect others also have autism, but i usually can and hate to say that I usually dont get along with them. I cannot explain either instances and feel like an asshole about it often
@@AnxiousCowboy i know you are asking op but may i answer this? (i'm also autistic btw) i say we tend to have very long eyelashes, our eyes usually sunk deep (hope this make sense lol) and we tend to have big dark eyebag. This obviously isnt diagnostic criteria, you may find autistic without this trait but allistic with it. But i'd say this is quite accurate to help me find fellow autistic in the wild
@@zalika8101 Yes, I agree. And the big, sunken, dark-lined eyes are a major tell-tale sign of genetic connective tissue disorders, like Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which many of us autistic people have (usually undiagnosed)
My youngest daughter was responsible for my diagnosis at 55. My husband didn't really believe it at first, but over the years, he's seen how my 'normal' activity (rocking babies on my hip, for example) didn't stop when the babies were grown. I rock and click and have the occasional quiet personal meltdown over the need to go into public, and he's slowly come to terms with it. To clarify, my husband has Cerebral Palsy, and wasn't diagnosed himself till he was 40. He really hates 'labels' because he thinks they can limit people, but my diagnosis was such a relief, he's worked thru all that.
Soooo It isn’t just boredom when I’m involved in a conversation, and my mind is going just about everywhere, while trying to maintain the conversation???? It honestly feels like the inside of the tornado scene in the Wizard of Oz sometimes. But yes, I haven’t actually been diagnosed, and probably won’t because of the expense here in the states 🇺🇸 But I have been told by many who have, that they’re pretty certain I am. And I have taken all of the “official” tests online and the scores don’t lie. In fact they’re overwhelming. But my friends and family are like “what?!?!, nooo you don’t….you’re not….nooo…. but you don’t….nooo”
Bit off-topic, but once at a family gathering I felt brave enough with just my mom and little sister in the room to say aloud that I think I might be autistic, and my sister kind of snapped at me and said "oh yeah right, I hear everybody's somewhere on the spectrum." That kind of stung. I wanted to say that just because everyone gets sad sometimes doesn't mean they suffer from clinical depression (which our mom does), but decided not to make a fuss and changed the subject instead. I've no interest at nearly 60 in getting a diagnosis, but know myself well enough by now to think I'm somewhere on the spectrum and have always done a lot of masking (edited typo).
I first heard about the possibility I could be autistic about 10 years ago, and I was only diagnosed very recently. Most of my psychotherapists would tell me "you don't look autistic" or would blame my problems on other causes. I lost my dad when I was 12 and, later on when I was 24, my mum. In both of these periods, my autistic traits were much visible because, on top being autistic, I had to deal with grief, changes in my life (starting high school or starting my first job). So when people told me "you're just going through a phase, it'll get better", that just didn't help. I felt pretty invalidated and I even partly believed those people. The thing is that I've always been autistic, and the signs were there even during my childhood when things were going alright. Going through grief is difficult for diagnosed autistic people, it's even harder when you're undiagnosed. People didn't believe me when I said I could be autistic but also, people didn't believe me when I said I was depressed/sad (because I didn't express my emotions the way neurotypicals would). So, I can say that I'm very relieved that I was finally diagnosed as autistic. Even after the diagnosis, some people still don't believe me but I don't care, because, at least, other people believe me and that's what matters.
The most horrifying response was straight up horror. My sister in law then asked if my husband of 22 years knew. Um yeah! She literally responded like I had a disease😢 left that conversation feeling like a big pile dog doo
The horrified reaction is really weird. Some of people seem like they'd be less in denial if I was telling them I was gay than telling them I think I have ASD+ADHD.
Sorry to hear your story. Many of us (myself included) do not have supportive families. In that case, you must build and maintain your support system in other ways.
This video is so timely. I recently made the difficult decision to "come out" professionally. As a lifetime unconscious masker, I hadn't necessarily needed to before, but every masker burms out, eventually. I burned out. I can't keep it up. So I've had to come clean. I think I'll be quoting this video extensively in future.
This. Never had a clue myself. Totally burned out after decades of masking. Selfdiagnosed AuDHD, but I want an official diagnosis now … for some „In your face!“ whenever needed. 😂
same here, burnout at 46 and it took me a year to self-diagnose first, now in the process of coming-out :-). Its actually fun to see people´s reactions and mine, well, i guess thats actually masking too :-)
Thanks, Sam! Another wonderful video. 😃I especially love "Au-DHD" to describe those of us with both Autism and ADHD- So clever! 💡Thank you for discussing masking/not masking in context of neurotypical definitions of what autism "looks" like (to them).
@@YoSamdySam I've heard it gaining a lot of traction in recent months, and I like it too. I do wonder where it first developed. I bumped into a Purple Ella video, about a year old, where she was trying to come up with a term for the combination...that was one of two, the other I forget but it wasn't a keeper. I didn't have the feeling she got it elsewhere, but I doubt she was the first to coin it -- probably it was a GMTA kind of thing. If she somehow did, I'd be happy for her to get the credit, because I always think she should have more subscribers. :) And yes, good video. You and Ella are my two mainstays on the topic of...well, AuDHD, and between the two of you I have sorted so much out about it. Your video of a few months back really helped me deal with the "I think I'm autistic, but I'm too X...and I think I'm ADHD, but I'm too Y" issue. (Also, your book.)
The more you research autism and adhd, the more you see them together in every individual labelled autistic or adhd. They are both very fluid presentations of the same underlying blueprint probably. You do not find autism or adhd on their own, and the notion of overlapping symptoms has been completely oversold.
I was diagnosed with dyslexia before I was with autism and I very clearly remember my uncle telling me that "everyone was a little dyslexic" which is the weirdest example of someone dismissing one of my diagnosis.
I don't look autistic is what many people say to me and it makes me sad. I get made fun of for it saying i am faking it. I have a guy who hates me just for who i am and makes fun of my disabilities which really upsets me a lot. Yet there is someone else i know with the same issues i have and he is really nice to her which makes me sad because i am nice to the guy yet he is still mean to me
Don't let mean people get you down for long. He's probably struggling with issues of insecurity, and also might not have developed much empathy yet (let's hope he does someday). His behavior is no reflection on you, and you're still nice to him. That's pretty great. ✨
I get that a lot. Sometimes I tell them to draw me a picture of what it looks like, then stare at them without speaking further. It seems to be a pretty good way to shine some light on their ignorance.
@@Ann-snowshoeingonEnceladus yeah i talk about the mean things he had done at times and have called him a as***** but mainly because others have and he had called himself one so i don't know if its bad to do so since others do it and he is one twords me but today his best friend said to me you see him as one and he isn't one. What you see as a as***** behavior I see as just crazy behavior. I tell the truth and forget that can get me into trouble at times but i don't like holding in my emotions and stuff. I don't like showing how i trully feel on xbox where i met the guy but sometimes it slips out and i can't help it. I was also told today by people that you don't like it when people get upset mad and leave xbox parties yet you do the same. Reason i do is because at times i don't realize i am doing it or realize i do what i don't like others doing and when i do realize others are already mad at me for it. Plus when people do that kinda stuff even if i know its not that big a deal and i tell myself that and try to not be like that my heart starts racing and i start crying and I have been that way my whole life. But i try to be a good person and a nice one to and try each day to not let minor stuff get to me but getting better for you and people around you takes time. I am only 23 with the mental state between 2 to 16 because of my autism so i am still learning things and just can't help the way i am. I try not to be a woes me type person and am glad when people tell me when i do wrong or can improve in as a way to help me realize what i am doing wrong in a nice way since i don't realize i do it very often and can't help that it still makes me sad to know i am doing something wrong but actions have consequences weather there good or bad no one gets off the hook every time. Just hope that this guy is not mean all his life
I like your background it's pretty, i also have ASD and ADHD as well as dyslexia. It is quite hard to camoflage sometimes, i wish i didn't have to but it's mainly to survive rather than because i want to be the same as everyone else. I like being different, but the nurotypicals see difference as a threat, so i hide, i mask and i keep up a fake act to keep myself safe. Maybe one day we won't have to, but i will be long gone by then.
I was officially diagnosed with ADHD at 47 and now, as I'm about to turn 50, I am pretty sure I am ASD. It's a struggle not to obsess about how life-changing an early diagnosis would have been, but I'm still grateful to now have a framework for understanding my past with more clarity. I wonder if having both ADHD and ASD make diagnosing either more difficult? I've been watching and emulating others my whole life, and I always thought that's just how you did it. I won awards for acting in high school and now wonder if that's because I've been "acting" my whole life. It's helpful finding a community of others and affirming finding these videos. I've been told "you're not ADHD" even though I was diagnosed. Or even worse, "aren't we all?!" It feels like being dismissed. People are exhausting. Probably why I prefer the company of dogs.
I totally get where you're coming from! I learned very early in life that being a good actor is critical to survival. Now I'm a regular Anthony Hopkins! Ha ha ha. Also prefer large, calm dogs over most people.
Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it❤ Join my club! I’m high masking… I was finally correctly diagnosed as HS autistic at age 67, I didn’t believe it at first. It took incompetent psychiatrists that misdiagnosed me as bipolar that woke me up-the wrong medications almost killed me… Forever grateful for hypnotherapy. Prayers too. I truly survived the extreme buzzing, erratic brain, etc. I do have ADHD and need low dosage Add erall nothing else besides an anti inflammatory gluten-free diet, organic, stationary bike, meditation, painting, sewing, stretching, calisthenics, etc. I couldn’t ignore the diagnosis after watching The Good Doctor TV show (🙄) it reminded me of my own childhood traumas. Time for more growth. Nothing like figuring out your own life puzzle on earth. I totally embrace my life now. I learned to avoid toxic people. I’ve always told I’m naïve but it’s actually autism. I miss social clues. I’m learning to read people, have plenty of books. I’m a happy 69 year old❤ 💔Sadly, my book on autism by a Phd. SAC doctor… only 3-7% of older adults are properly diagnosed?!
It’s just so inspiring how well you explain and navigate these issues. And I know, you’re well educated on this stuff, but still, the simultaneous clarity and depth is just always on point. I’m now a year into knowing I’m autistic, and all your videos are so incredibly relatable and validating.
Thanks for that, Sam, that was really good, as usual. P.S. I have my appointment for my autism assessment after over a year of bouncing from one psychologist to another and never getting anywhere. This one actually specializes in ASD (all ages). My appointment is less than two months away 🙂
I remember being in my 20's, having realized that I couldn't read emotions and body language particularly well, and being told that I should watch TV to learn how to read them properly. It never made sense to me because I knew by then that I could understand what was going on in the TV show, but that it didn't translate to real life. I ended up describing it as "Imagine that emotions are colours. TV show (and my ability to read emotions) come in 16 colours. Real life, however, exists in 256 or sometimes even in 512 colours". I'm glad I have my diagnosis now. It's truly a relief ☺️
I stim by singing a lot. I also stim by snapping my fingers. People just assume that I'm being musical. But it's stimming.swimming. I also use playing my instruments as a means of stimming. And I can't leave the house without either an instrument, or my noise cancelling earbuds.
"We have no picture of what a happy, fulfilled autistic person looks like." This makes me want to cry, but I feel relieved at the same time. Maybe... I didn't realize something was going on because for a significant portion of my life, I was happy. Or at least content.
Menopause broke my mask and I was diagnosed last year aged 51 , I have told virtually no one about my diagnosis because I am expecting exactly this response and because people don’t understand when you are diagnosed as an adult that you didn’t suddenly become autistic that actually you were born autistic and didn’t suddenly develop an allergy to NT life !
If I may: was getting diagnosed difficult, and was it worth it? Every time I try to imagine doing it panic rises and I can't make the surety of a concrete diagnosis override the terror of breaking away from my routine and dealing with a bunch of new situations & places, plus people who are literally there to test and judge me. I've decided a hundred times that I don't want to go through all that, but the question does insist on resurfacing even though I think I've buried it.
@@Ann-snowshoeingonEnceladus it’s quite difficult where I live in the UK there is a 4 year waiting list so I had to use my savings and have it done privately which from what I can gather was probably a better experience as the people were very kind and not in the least judgemental in the way you think they might be. I was absolutely terrified prior to the assessment, scared how it would change me , scared my husband would leave me as he didn’t sign up for an autistic wife but I struggle so badly with some of the traits I had to know so I could work out what was the right way to try and deal with them. I got my diagnosis on 1st December last year and it was life changing ..it totally reframed my miserable childhood ( my own mother told me I wasn’t right in the head and I would end up in an asylum) , and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel alone , I knew there were other people like me and that I wasn’t wrong I was just different and I fitted somewhere. For me it was totally worth every penny … I’ll be honest I found the process exhausting physically and emotionally but it was worth it , the only downside is that there is next to no support for adults post diagnosis here so that’s what I need to save up for next. If you want to ask anything else please do
@@cazridley5822 Wow, your journey has been quite something! Mine has been much less difficult. Sorry to read that your mother said such things, that's so sad. You're incredibly strong. Thank you so much for your response! If i decide to take the leap, I will definitely let you know. Best to you! 💙
Thank you for bringing up this issue. I have had mixed responses from people when I have told them I'm autistic. And I don't listen to the words but study the inclination as its said. Sometimes its said in an appologetic sort of "gosh I didn't realise, is there any accommodation I haven't made that you would like me to make for you because I genuinely care about you?" way. And I've had the "I don't believe you and stop making stupid excuses, I don't care" sort of way. Very different. You find out who really cares about you as a person and the asd community in one statement! Send out much love to all you beautiful people and thank you for your content lovely Sam. X
Thank you thank you thank you for your videos. I was struggling so much with burnout which kept repeating, and (without searching specifically for autism) I landed on your videos, which resonated with me so strongly. I have just received an adult autism diagnosis and I'm now trying to figure out life as an autistic person. I have definitely had people that tell me that "I can't be autistic" because I don't "look" autistic and I have learned to be so good at masking and mirroring (despite the energy it takes up).
I just got my dual diagnosis ADHD and Autism at 38 🎉🎉🎉 Sam, I just want to say thanks very much for your UA-cam videos as you gave me the confidence to ask for a dual diagnosis. I feel more at peace than I have in years. They were actually like, you know you have quite severe dysfunction in executive function right? 😂 I guess.... I just got on with it up til now. But I'm tired. And now I have answers
I guess that's why a lot of us ended up discovering our Autism during 2020 or after: major stress in the world thanks to Covid and its knock-on consequences.
Thats exactly what happened to me and weirdly also to two people I became friends with over twitter (lol). Pandemic hit, I was forced to study from home and live with my parents again, first year was "tolerable" but after some time it became pretty obvious.
I figured it out because of the shut down, but sort of for the opposite reason. It was the first time I didn't feel overwhelmed and in a constant state of burnout because I didn't have to socialize or mask.
For me it was actually the other way round. I realized I'm autistic during the pandemic because during lockdown I realized how much less stressful my life is when I don't have to go to uni every day and can stay in bed for the amount of time I actually need to recover from autistic burnout.
I would say the exact opposite. The lockdown was a lot of fun for me because I feel uncomfortable in a crowded world, and there was far fewer people everywhere I’d go. I got to take time off of work and spend time stress free doing things I enjoy at my own pace. It only occurred to me that I could be autistic when I saw a billboard that said “Sensory sensitivity is a sign of Autism” and it really spoke to me. I did the research and here I am now.
It was opposite for me. The intense relief I felt at being excused from socializing and shopping was a surprise. When the lockdown lifted, I never went back to “normal”.
Thanks Sam for yet another superb, informative and pertinent video. I've been told, "you don't look..." for both my ADHD and Autism. I'm tempted to just have a mask with those diagnoses written on it so I can rip it out whenever people question me. But I believe the phrase, "are you sure?" is actually worse and is something I get frequently too. None of it would happen if I said, "I've been diagnosed with (insert physiological condition here)." So frustrating! But we carry on don't we? 👍 Thank you again for being such a great advocate Yo Sandy Sam.
I was diagnosed ADHD in 2020 and autistic last year (though I actually requested the autism assessment before even realising ADHD was likely too!). I've said for years that I think my struggles may have gone unnoticed because my autistic traits and my ADHD traits can almost cancel each other out as far as what the outside world sees, and the psychiatrist who diagnosed my autism confirmed this - they mask each other. I'm still waiting for someone to tell me I don't look autistic, as I wonder if I will actually be brave enough to use my planned response of "and you don't look ignorant, yet here we are".
Damn, the singing, especially to myself or around people ive gotten to used to and feel safe around and finally the talking to myself especially when organizing my thoughts while doing a task are both things i do daily.
Diagnosed ADHD four years ago at age 50 (none too soon😅) and since then, as I learn more about autism symptoms, everything screams “yes, you too!!!” So far I haven’t been able to line up a full assessment, but I did present two different scores from self-assessments to my psychiatrist, who told me that yes, based on that, there’s a strong likelihood I’m on the ASD spectrum. So I’m now approaching life as if I’d been diagnosed such, and it’s definitely changed my attitudes about masking and maintaining comfortable environments for myself. (Also about boundaries - basically, “This is me, deal with it.”)😎😊
Outstandingly accurate, insightful and articulate, sometimes it is those who are closest to you are the least objective and ignorant at times. Thank God for the ‘Super Powers’ to maintain the balance in life, thank you for the excellent content Sam ❤️🙂
I'm unable to express the way i wish/able to, how much this resonates with me. To find someone that hits every single aspect of the way of living i've been struggling with. I finally don't feel so alone or alienated. I too decided to get a degree in psychology purely to understand social behaviour, to understand the many reasons as to why I can't figure out what's considered 'the norm' and the inability to fit in. I can't thank you enough for this video. I wish to find more people like you and others like me. It's quite lonely.
It's been so long since I've had friends to hang out with and people to see outside of my husband kids and my mom that I completely forgot how to mask. I'm starting to see what I'm like without outside influence. And before learning about all these autistic traits I started to display them before I learned that's what they were. And when I look back in my childhood there were so many obvious signs even with my masking
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 42. It took about 9 months to diagnose me because I also had Autistic traits. As the ADHD was more prevalent than the Autism, my official diagnosis (and support treatment) is for ADHD. With that in mind: I get the 'You can't have ADHD - your are too quiet' every time I reveal it to a friend or colleague. But it's the autistic part of met that makes my ADHD mostly internal. It's only when I explain that it means being distracted - or having difficulties to prioritise primary from secondary goals and tasks - that they say 'Oh yes, we recognise that in you'. It's the main reason why I only talk about it to close family, close friends and close colleagues. I don't want to hear the 'you can't be...' response too often.
5:45 I'm just now seeking a diagnosis at 32, and I'm already running into "I don't see it." But I've studied people and language obsessively my entire life, to the extent of studying anthropology and linguistics as an adult. I think that's why I might be so good at masking. But it's already getting frustrating to not be believed. 😔
Great video, both to the point and broad in coverage of the subject. You certainly described the process of my adult life: camouflage-exausthion-diagnostic-disclosure, ... Thank you Sam
"You don't look autistic" is something I've heard way too much, even from psychiatrists and psychologists and honestly it always hurts. I also want to say that I watched your "5 signs you have ADHD and autism" and it helped me a lot. I was already suspecting I had ADHD but your video was a big wake-up call for me to get diagnosed. I got diagnosed last week and got the medication I needed and, even tho I've been medicating just for a few days, it already changed my life so much and it's helping me a lot. I'm really glad I discovered your channel and I'm happy that people can hear from a psychiatrist that has autism and ADHD, as I often think that people that doesn't have those conditions tend to downplay it's symptomps and struggles, even other professionals tend to treat it as if it's not as big of a deal, but from the inside things are a lot different. Keep it up!
I was told that I couldn't be autistic because I hate trains. I am still confused 7 years later. Most of my stims are vocal or just noise (humming, tapping, clicking my tongue, etc). I masked by throwing myself into the busy work no one paid attention to or liked to do. I did paperwork, worked on coatumes, scheduled things out for the groups I was in, etc. My scripts changed depending on which group I was with. I look at eye brows, ears, hair, or over a shoulder. Now I start out with I am autistic, bear with me.
I think one of the most satisfactory reactions I've got after disclosing my diagnosis to someone was to listen. "Oh, so you have a lighter version" (the conversation wasn't in English and I don't know how to translate while passing the whole meaning but...). It was truly validating.
Wow you just made me realize that the stress in my life is why I’ve been struggling a lot more and have had asd and adhd traits become so obvious. I’ve also done a lot of deep inner healing which peeled masks off I didn’t know I was using. I relate very much to the push-pull of having both.
That's my son's key reason why I can't possibly be autistic - he was the manager of an autistic chap at work and I'm not anything like that person - I don't 'look' autistic. Also his friend is a carer for autistic people who need care and I'm not like them. And I cope too well with life apparently, I'm too 'smart'. Lols. Still awaiting diagnosis though I think I'm adhd and autistic.
Autism has brought me nothing but an incredibly hard life! ( I am a 56 year old female ) who has recently discovered she's autistic - I am struggling. My autism had the unfortunate side effect of alcoholism. I am sober 22 years now. So much of my unfortunate life was governed by autism and I didn't know it.
I've masked my symptoms so much that I live with constant back pain because my body is tensed to the max to 'behave normally'. When I need to burst out, I light a cigarette (it's still socially acceptable in my country). I have really struggled to stop smoking and I never realised how it's an important (but damaging) tool to occupy my hands and breathe heavily to release the intense pressure of keeping acceptably postured. I also use it as an excuse to get away from people for a moment before I scream. Now that I see this, it might make it easier to navigate through quitting.
I don’t really care what people tell me id rather correct them and educate them than just getting pissed off cause really not many people have done research on autism as much as the autistic community I’m kinda embarrassed for the world people really don’t have the average knowledge about what autism is most people think they know everything and then only knowing stereotypical autism in movies etc. but yea just my thoughts not meant to upset anyone it’s really just me kinda coping with thought my typing the out loud kinda. Also you really helped educate my parents I really didn’t have the energy to tell my parents everything about autism so I just send links to ur videos u spare me so much energy so thx
I've never been told, but I suspect those who say it do so coming from one of two places: either they mean it metaphorically and when they say "look" they actually mean "act" or "seem" or they're uninformed and actually think we have a certain look because they've conflated Autism with something visually distinguishing like Downs Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy. And masking... being a kid in the late '50s and early '60s and with a mother who truly believed that I was a deliberate contrarian with nefarious intentions, I had to learn to mask early and mask hard; so much so that it's hard to drop it even when I'm by myself. It is so exhausting; continual improvisational theater with ever-changing themes.
I finally figured out that I was autistic due to….menopause! Early onset menopause made all of the traits that I was already dealing with blow up to the point where I was past my normal miserable. Things are better now that I know that I have auditory sensitivities, tactile sensitivities, need about 23 hours of alone time a day, and have more support from my spouse. Thanks to Sam for her video on autism in Women. I would have never figured it out without having watched it.
The ironic thing is that even high masking autistics and AuDHD still has some traits that is fairly obvious to other ND people that NT's are either oblivious to or subconsciously repulsed by. Of course one of the main hint to me that someone else is also ND is that they are not put off (and usually seems more interested) when my own masking slips up and I break social conventions. And NT's would never do that because they're not masking (at least not that kind of masking) so they don't have access to that clue.
I'm AuADHD. I've disclosed my ADHD at work (The team leader stressed me too much that I had no choice but disclose so she understand that stressing me will just make things worse for me) . My team leader replied politely as if she understands. But her body language implied she doesn't believe me. I got fired two weeks later due to... "redundancy" 😑
I’ve told my coworkers about my adhd, because honestly it’s so obvious when I need to walk around the room or I talk non stop 😅 but one of them told me “oh but that’s normal, we all struggle with that” I said nope, u actually need meds, like it’s a real thing. I still think she doesn’t believe me. I suspect she too is neurodivergent but hasn’t realized yet, so she thinks my struggles are normal because she experiences them too
Dislike because of the shitty excuse of a reason for being fired and having the balls to officially say “redundant” employee. I’m so sorry you put yourself vulnerable out there and that was the response you got. Fellow AuADHD as well. I understand to the best I can.
@@AurorasWindow Some of my co-workers and even my manager said to me: 'oh, but we all have some autistic traits' .... One co-worker keeps pushing me to go to a psychiatrist for medication. Great support, really. Thankfully my friends and family are very supportive :)
@@AurorasWindow Whenever someone says "we all struggle with that," I want to give them the phone number of a reliable psychologist and say, "Take some time to get to know yourself better."
I'm in an ED recovery program and I'm also learning about my autistic traits and how they relate to ED. I'm 40 and if i get into an assessment I'll be late diagnosed. A 60 year old woman in the program says to me, "you don't look or seem autistic". It hurt because I'm actively trying to not mask but it's very difficult learning what is me and what is the mask. So her response told me I'm masking too much. I talked to my therapist about it and she said "when i asked you what you like to do for fun, you gave me the most neurodivergent response I've ever heard". My therapist specializes in treating patients who also have autism (but not like she's "treating" the autism) so that kind of reassured me.
It's weird for me: I've always looked very autistic, and never learned how to mask, but I also wasn't diagnosed until the age of 19. The thing is that when I was growing up as a little kid here in Spain in the 2000s, people had no idea what autism, or even "Asperger's" looks like. People thought, and still think honestly, that in order to have "Asperger's" a kid must look broken, very visibly & profoundly handicapped. And I didn't look broken, nor very visibly & profoundly handicapped. But I still was and still am to this a very eccentric, quirky & awkward oddball who wouldn't stop enthusiastically info-dumping everyone around me about whichever overly intellectual topic I was obsessed with at that moment & who clearly didn't get at all figurative language, body language, irony & sarcasm, idioms, hints, how conversations are meant to flow naturally & when was my turn to speak, the unspoken rules of interaction, social conventions, the different registers, what is & isn't appropriate to do or say in any given context, small talk... you know, the whole thing. And still, despite how obvious it was & my complete lack of masking throughout my life, nobody ever noticed, because I didn't look broken not very visibly & profoundly handicapped, quite the opposite, I was a very smart kid with a very high IQ who, despite being extremely socially awkward & not getting at all all the social rules I've listed above, was always very driven to socialize, make friends, etc (I'm also an ADHD'er, or an AuDHD'er if you will XD). But still, I think that I never passed as neurotypical either way, people just didn't have a word for my very obvious & unmasked oddness (oddness that nobody saw as a disorder, because, again, I didn't look broken), but they saw it, and all my life I've been treated as a neurodivergent person, not as a neurotypical, since, again, I've never masked.
I'm the same. I think part of the issue is that many autistic traits taken out of context could just be personality quirks, so many people think you must just have a weird, annoying personality. They don't look at the combination, frequency, and pattern of traits all together and think there could be a biological explanation. I think many people also assume there is a stark, obvious divide between disabled and nondisabled and are very resistant to the idea that someone could have a lot in common with them and still be disabled.
The mention of how NTs can end up associating other co-occurring disabilities as being caused by autism itself (and therefore dismissing autistic people who don't have these co-occurring disabilities) makes me really want a video about autisms comorbidities (and suspected comorbidities, because, let's face it, the Autistic community is often WAY ahead of the medical community when it comes to understanding us and it can take years for research to catch up and prove what we already knew). I'm in support groups for EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and support groups for autism and ADHD, and it's always entertaining when someone in the EDS group brings up being on the spectrum, and a large chunk of the group chime in with "ME TOO!" and vice versa in the ND groups. I find it especially entertaining in the real world where ND people tend to gravitate to each other. EDS is supposed to be rare (it's underdiagnosed though so rarity is debatable) but most of the people I know show signs of having it, I thought that was weird until I found out that 1.) I'm ND 2.) All my friends are ND 3.)EDS and Autism are comorbid... So my sample group for how frequently EDS occurs in the general population is incredibly skewed.
You are very clear on the subjects and also funnny in the way you talk about all these prety anoying comments you've come acrosse..👍😊 And you are very expressive in your intonation and facial expressions (not very like people on the spectrum, sorry I am joking🤭😁). I am also diagnosed on the spectrum, 7 years ago, at 43(!) Never thougt of that possibillity. Because of my social personality, empathie and sarcastic humor.. So I was also prejudiced.. I really enjoy your video's, keep it up!👍 Are we not all one of a kind, unique as individual and personalities?❤
Thank you for making such informative videos! I'm just vibing here as a neurotypical person who wants to understand others better because you guys often get judged so harshly and in real life it's harder to make sense of how you feel. Please keep up the good work 💕
Yes, I've had it said to me once, early after my diagnosis. I was 48 years old then though and had mastered masking. Now when I tell people, I find that they have no real interest and just carry on treating me like a neurotypical person and are happy for me to mask as long as they are comfortable.
That's also my general experience when it comes to disclosing my autism. As long as they don't perceive you and your otherness as a "threat" they don't really care about your diagnosis.
That sounds pretty much like me. I’m sure for many years that I got ADHD and after more time passed it would surprise me if a psychology pro would tell me that I also got Autism but I don’t want an official diagnosis but it could lead to more discrimination. Mostly people portrait me as a quiet, nerdy person but I also got lively loud side. It could switch pretty fast. I enjoy much alone time. It’s more fun that artificial small talk. When I enjoy something I could easily run a large group of people. Doing Muay Thai and K1 is fun and also that chaos during fights/sparring is relaxing. I think combat sport attract many neuro-diverse people😅
Your video made me realize that I probably have both too. I'm going to see a doctor to talk about ADHD, but I have things that I relate to ADHD but not necessarily strongly, so sometimes I wonder if I really have it. But then sometimes I see a few people with autism speaking about what they feel and it kinds of resonated with me but not as strongly neither, so I have this feeling that I have a little bit of both but I'm not 100% of any. So I feel like now everything makes sense! I feel like my inner confusion is finally explained.
Thank you for another great video! The reactions I've had to me saying I think I might be autistic or have ADHD has made me feel stupid before. I think a lot of it comes down to them not understanding how autism or ADHD can manifest, and also the fact that I hide most of my struggles from others. It feels like I can't talk to anyone except for a couple of neurodivergent friends because they don't judge me. I want to pursue a diagnosis but I'm worried that I've been masking too well, or maybe the assessor won't see the signs just like nearly everyone else in my life. I feel a bit defeated to be honest but if I can bring myself to call the GP we'll see.
It happens to me that I don’t know if I’m masking or not, most of the times. It’s been a year since I got my ASD diagnosis and I still feel really confused of who am I. The one that used to tell me “it’s normal that people get confused about you because you don’t look autistic!” it’s my father. It’s frustating that your family doesn’t accept you and your struggles. Thank you for your work, your videos are so useful.😊
I'm a preschool special education teacher. I'm also (self-identified) Autistic. I have found your videos validating and so helpful - thank you. Anyway, most of my students who are Autistic have been diagnosed and/or identified as eligible for special education services because they clearly present with the aspects of autism that many of us semi-professional mask-ers have-- to an extent-- learned to hide or to diminish. However: last school year, I had a student who didn't have an identified disability yet had difficulty with social interactions with the other kids, extreme reactions to situations that cognitively I would expect her to be able to manage, a passion for Pokemon and anime, and (I didn't deduce until the middle of the school year) sensory issues. Her language comprehension and expression are developmentally advanced. It took months until I had that "eureka" moment and realized that she is probably autistic and that part of her distress within my classroom was from trying to learn to mask. In other words, even as an Autistic person whose passion is learning about autism, it took me a long time to pinpoint that she is probably autistic *because* she is learning to mask. She was 3 years old, turning 4! She doesn't "look" autistic... Which just goes to show that we have to keep actively dismantling the stereotypes about what autism "looks" like, while honoring that many Autistic folks present with aspects of autism that the public has been taught to recognize. (I hope that all makes sense. Anyone please let me know if I've committed any microaggressions myself so that I can acknowledge them and learn to do better.)
I find it super upsetting when someone tells me " It's all in your head, if you wanted to stop this excuse called autism you could but instead you chose to hide behind it " as if to say I'm faking Autism for some reason. I've also gotten the few people telling me I don't look autistic. And when I ask why they think that they say because I look normal. And I don't act how they expect me too. It's annoying. But this is indeed a great video and I'm going to keep it handy next time someone says something like this maybe it'll help them understand if someone else explains it. lol. 👍
"It's all in your head, if you wanted to stop this excuse called autism you could but instead you chose to hide behind it" Which is laughable for pretty much anyone getting diagnosed in middle age. This isn't an excuse; this is the long-awaited explanation for what has been going on for decades!
@@jliller for me personally it stings when it’s something I live with that people are trying to reduce to an excuse. It’s what drives my anger sometimes. And shows that the other person doesn’t understand and refuses to understand. So I literally stop talking to them and walk away if they believe I’m just making excuses. Worse part is that some of these people are my own family. And that is hard to deal with when your own family thinks your making something up when it’s something real.
I've come to believe that, because so few people understand a damned thing about brain biology, most people have this image of the mind as this big, mysterious space, filled with nothing but thoughts and feelings, all freely chosen. That behavior is solely decided by free will, and neural functioning plays no role. I'm a huge fan of Robert Sapolsky, whose lecture series on Human Behavioral Biology is available on the Stanford UA-cam channel. He does an amazing job of laying out how many parts of our cognitive functioning are not solely the province of consciously made decisions. For someone not up for the full 40-hour course, #14, the limbic system (also includes the Triune Brain concept) is a good primer.
@@leosthrivwithautism All too often family simply isn't supportive in the way most people expect them to be, and autism-denial is unfortunately just the tip of that iceberg.
As a child and teenager I was obsessed with itching! I was constantly scratching wounds on myself. And we had a wallpaper with tiny, tiny like bubbles that I couldn't help but scratch away as I sat watching TV. As an adult I can’t help itching on my husbands back!!! And I have a 5 yrs old who WANTS me to itch her little wounds…And I have always since I was A child felt: ”I am different. And yes! I am a HSP. I also always was rocking on my chair at the table. Now I often start to play with my fingers on the table. But my family always tell me to STOP! 🙄🤔
I agree with you. There have been stereotypes in the media about autistic people since the 90's with geeky looking computer geeks that can spot fine details they call being 'detail orientated' and wear rectangular glasses. This stereotype was created by computer companies. Not every autistic person is like that. I have seen statistics that only about 2% of autistic people are so called 'gifted' like that. For many it seems to manifest in obsessional behavior's and interests that last for a long time in their life or their desire to accumulate categorical information or things.
Stress is actually why I started researching and talked to my friends about being autistic! Because I wasn’t in public school or had many/any peer friends growing up, and due to my family structure and micro-culture I was able to be quietly autistic and either mask many of my traits or indulge in them when alone/in a way that wasn’t disruptive. I really only started feeling and showing traits once I moved back in with my family after college and started experiencing things that weren’t completely explainable by my “abnormal upbringing” or my mom telling me I was an HSP (highly sensitive person, which I don’t actually know how that trend is going anymore but as far as I can tell looking back it was a mix of non-disruptive autistic behaviour, mostly sensory issues, and high anxiety). Being a quiet autistic kid has also meant that my parents didn’t have the best reaction to me telling them about my self diagnosis, lol. My friends are super supportive though, and my boss is super good about modifying stuff to my needs. Sometimes I feel like I’m taking advantage of them (both my friends and my boss) but I try to keep a positive mindset and remind myself that these people are doing this because they want to and because they love me, not because I’m a burden they’re now forced to carry by being in my proximity ^-^
I have ADD and Autisum......i actually had a full grown adult say to me..... " You can't have autism ur not a boy.....????" I was so stunned I just walked away without saying a word. Ive also gotten " You don't look autistic." Well that might be because you never observe me ever for longer than a half hour in public if I can help it because im super stressed outside of my home and will wear sunglasses and large headphones just so im not spoken to or interacted with because I became so stressed that ill just shut down and be unable to accomplish anything meaningful if I don't. Heck I have an immediate sense of dread at someone knocking on my front door and realising that ill have to interact with or engage with someone -anyone.
It's very real and important to understand. I need to monitor my emotional and physiological responses very carefully in order to manage my energy expenditure and other activities. No point in pushing myself if I really need to isolate and rest. Else things just get worse.
As a fellow autistic person when I was hired at my job the gm said he could tell I was on the spectrum the moment I spoke due to him having 2 kids on the spectrum but to everyone else they couldn't I wasn't on the spectrum As for my stimming I have headphones I where 24/7 I don't leave without music. I started a new stim where I just start whistling, hand shake violently (I have punched many of sinks on accident) I used to have a stim for stress that I'm so glad I was able to get rid of which was clawing my skin
Long-term friend: "Why are you looking at my nose, not my eyes?"
Me: "I'm autistic, it's a trick to mask it but you're too close"
Friend: "You don't look autistic"
Me: "You literally just...I mean...oh god...."
That's a conversation that actually happened.
It is only a contradiction when you understand what it means. He just doesn't know what "autism" looks like. But the funny point is that usually the only thing that people know about ASD is that we do not look in the eyes (supposedly)
Yeah I'm the process of getting a diagnosis and I'm SO scared to tell my long term neurotypical friend... I don't even know how.
@@redpalex
Don't be. My best friend reaction when I told her (I was diagnosed at 38): "Ah, that explains SO much!". Hasn't changed anything, really. Most people have reacted that way. Even the neurotypical people (like the above best friend).
@@Elora445 - yep, same here. In fact, most folk acted like I was just catching up with their assessment... ;)
The worst is when you stop listening and start seeing again and you realise your eyes have dropped and they are looking at the speakers' boobs. Just let me look at the wall.
"The thing is, as an adult you don't suddenly wake up and think about having an autism diagnosis because life is good and everything is going great. It usually happens after a period of intense stress or burnout. And the reason is, the more stressed the autistic person is, the more their traits pop and the more energy it takes to hide them and the less energy they have and it kind of goes round in a terrible circle."
This is so accurate, thank you for describing it so very well.
❤
That describes my experience perfectly prior to my autism diagnosis as a middle-aged adult.
@@TheCimbrianBull Me too, exactly : 6 months ago, M43.
and thank you for taking this part out.
I've been trying to sum it up even for myself, since my diagnosis (4 months ago, age 35). This is exactly the perfect summary.
This bit really resonated with me too. Although my life is currently going a bit better than it was previously, I've been working through some stuff in therapy that was bringing up a lot of bad memories, and going through that is what made me realise that... oh... all of these things that happened to me, that I never understood and I believed were my fault, would be completely explained if I were autistic. I'd wondered about it for years but that was the thing that made me decide to consider formal diagnosis- I just couldn't handle all of that baggage without an explanation any more.
I had a strong suspicion for a long time that I was autistic. I finally got an official diagnosis that I am. I'm almost 60 years old. It's a bit of a personal tragedy finding out so late in life. If you were born prior to the 1980s and are autistic you were pretty much out of luck. I have easily seen a good dozen mental health professionals since my teens. Not one of them ever picked up on my autism. The sad truth is, there's a lot of ignorance about autism even among mental health professionals.
Unfortunately, yes. And mental health professionals are just as biased about autism as the general population.
I’m 56 and awaiting my formal diagnosis… Also regret not being able to answer the question to why I don’t have the same energy levels than everyone else, sooner! Also I’m now finding gadgets and advice that is helpful in distressing… Rather late than never!
Welcome to the group
Me too..I'm half way through my assessment. It's bittersweet.
This I feel is because clinicians like to see a positive outcome from their interventions.
Diagnosing old farts like me in my mid 50's does not leave them with the same warm glow that they would get from diagnosing a young person.
This is up there with the “you seem so chill socially” while internally I’m screaming and want to retreat to a corner and spend half an hour googling my special interest
Totally. Also, I feel like I never get to talk about what I want to talk about. At family gatherings, I'll often overhear my autistic nephew talking extensively about Star Wars and I'll be thinking, "If I weren't keeping such a tight lid on it right now, I could be delivering a lecture on the difference between the simple past tense and the present perfect or on Lithuanian noun declension -- and I'd be having a ball." But I know that sort of thing not socially acceptable so I keep quiet and listen to everyone talk pointlessly about things like what they did over the weekend. I'm somewhat jealous of my nephew who is less bothered about whether or not he's being socially acceptable.
@@sueannevangalen5186 I hope it's appropriate to say but it warms my heart as an Lithuanian person that someone has Lithuanian noun declension as their special interest
@@sueannevangalen5186 as an autistic person with a degree in linguistics I can totally relate! 😀
@@adelest9500 ❤️❤️❤️ I am thrilled to "meet" you online!!! I am not even a little bit Lithuanian, but I lived and worked there as an English language teacher from 2000 till early 2003 (actually, I was back and forth from Canada but I was mostly there). I was in Klaipeda mainly but then in Vilnius for half a year. I love Lithuania as well as your fascinating language. I had never studied a language that uses noun declension before and I found it a beautiful mode of self-expression. Also, I was pretty deeply in love with a young Lithuanian man at the time and had a female friend who didn't speak English. Something just happens when you use a language to do something meaningful like build relationships, doesn't it? The language becomes very near and dear. My favourite Lithuanian word is "pasivaikscioti" because you can take a long, leisurely walk just saying it ❤️❤️❤️ How wonderful to hear from you. LT is my home away from home.
@@TheCimbrianBull 😊
The psychologist who diagnosed me (who also has ADHD & ASD) actually said something that I'd never heard of before.
Apparently a large number of us with ASD have what gets described as an 'Autistic Accent'. It's not universal, and so isn't part of any assessment criteria, but is apparently common enough that it's something they listen out for.
Specifically, it's a habit of pausing for a moment mid-sentence, like we're processing what we're about to say to make sure to make sure that it's still valid. Which.. I definitely do lol
Once I was talking with my sister and her husband. And all of sudden he started to giggle and said: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But you're sounding just like your brother right now. He talks the same way as you do". My brother has ASD, and I was actually really glad he said this! Because I was still in the process of figuring out wether I had ASD too or not.
For us it was indeed the pausing a lot or thinking super hard about everything haha
That's an interesting and new perspective for me. I have never heard of this before but it actually makes so much sense. I'm like this too.
I'm seeking a diagnosis at 56 years old and I do this. I didn't realize it was a trait.
Now that's interesting! I do that, too - not diagnozed with autism (yet), but for sure have autistic traits (and am still in the middle of the process of finding them all).
Ha ha ha. I do that. It seems to make some people uncomfortable. Sometimes they try to finish my sentence for me.
I actualyl had this "fight" with my GP.. who literally said, "you don't look autistic?" and ifinally had enough and went "NO.. i don't because i am a high masking 40 something year old female not a 6 year old in crisis!".. at which point they went uncomfortably quiet.. sometimes a meltdown is not throwing down on the floor and screaming..
I’ve suspected for most of my life that I was autistic. So about 10 years ago, I took the AQ test online and said “you might be autistic, talk to a professional”
So I told my then therapist, who was an MD with a PhD in psychology, and he says: “you don’t look autistic” 🤦🏻♀️
Thankfully, a decade later, ai found a therapist who knew I was autistic/adhd even before I told her and sent me for an evaluation, which resulted in my getting my double diagnosis.
It sucks that even mental health professionals have this bias
I just went through this myself- Friday, Feb 3rd. As a retired medic, the experience miffed me so much, it inspired me to start a substack. I totally agree that it sucks but am hoping we can change that. (In my first ever appointment with a psychotherapist for me- she nailed it right away; I was already diagnosed ADHD inattentive type at the type- but she encouraged me to consider autism. After a year of trying without considering it, I brought up again. She recommended "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price, PhD and the book just resonated with me. I then took an AQ online- and that's what lead me to my most recent appointment. The MD I saw was just an MD, but he was kinda naive to all of it- insteead pushing stuff I've long managed fairly successfully- like anxiety and depression. In the end, he acquiesced- saying he'll refer me to whoever I want to get an assesment, but the experience I had with him? It kinda f'd up my day... and I was expecting it. This needs to change.
I feel, “professionals” are as good as their training, what they have learnt. That’s why it’s important to follow your gut and get a second or third opinion.
@@tomyasko4100 I’ve pretty much given up on myself.
I have dealt with my “weirdness” for all of my 65 years on this crazy little planet.
So I have figured out how to exist,
without getting in the way.
I drive OTR solo.
I have for almost 19 years.
Before that, jobs were a struggle.
Couldn’t hold on to one for very long before something happened.
But in this job, I only have to view the world through the windows.
And I can’t afford the expensive process, just to be sure.
All of the online tests that were recommended to me I blew off the map.
And I would take them again out of doubt and a feeling that maybe I made a mistake, didn’t read the questions right.
But the score just got higher.
I asked someone I knew who had been diagnosed, and they told me that that was mask coming down.
🤷♂️🤦♂️
I’m pretty sure.
But more power to you!
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
When I started loomong for a diagnosis I saw a psychiatrist who got her Master's in autism specifically. She took my $1200, ran me through some test, then told me I couldn't be autostic because of a couple story-telling behaviors. I knew exactly the behaviors she was talking about because those were the things that she asked me to do that made my skin crawl.
Master's degree in autism and still doesn't know a single thing about masking 😑
@@marklambert4793this is a fascinatingly poetic comment! I hope you are being able to enjoy the way you have learned to live 😊
Last time I was told "you don't look ADHD" was by my psychiatrist.... I'm 31, she'd been treating me for the last 7 years (in Spain, psychiatrist just prescribe meds, the ones who do the therapy are the psychologists) and didn't notice a single thing. So there I was, with a complete report from the therapist who diagnosed me, looking absolutely doumbfounded and then she says "anyway, even if you had ADHD as a child, the simptoms disapear when you grow up, so it's irrelevant now". That felt like an atack, like I was saying nonsense or liying. I masked SO HARD from then on, terribly stressed, feeling so little and invalidated, just wishing to go away. Ofc, never came back.
I very recently experienced a similar situation with my Psychiatrist after getting an autism diagnosis from my therapist and I just haven't gone back to see my psychiatrist since then hahaha
It's like they're just handing out credentials for reading a book or two on the subject.
"Yeah, come to think of it, you don't look like a psychiatrist so... bye!"
@@kracklinkamphyre7142 the best 🤣🤣
I'm autistic and I love people and conversations, I've stopped masking in the last year and it's really helped me find people who will respect me and love me for me.
Can you give some concrete examples of stopping with masking? thank you!
Like, I don't try to force myself to be "normal". I don't follow scripts anymore. I just say what I'm thinking, even if I know it might not be the "right" thing to say. I'm not trying to pass anymore. I wear my Garfield hat to work, I let people know when I'm in distress and that I need time to myself, then put my headphones on.
I'm in a very similar place in my life with dropping the mask whenever possible. It's been more liberating than expected. Wishing you all the best from Oregon 🌲🌊
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I'm also trying to unmask and be myself more.
How do you stop masking without people getting angry at you and shunning you?
I feel like I compartmentalize my life (interests, feelings, opinions, expression, etc), so it feels like no one fully knows me...
For example to some internet stranger, I might be more open about one side of me, but to people I meet irl, I hide those parts, and show a different side of me... etc.
When I came out as Bi to my family, they were surprised, since they had never suspected it, and I think the reason above might be why.
This is so relatable. Thank you for sharing 💜
Very relatable... Only once in my adult life have a bunch of my friends been assembed in one room together. Me thinks if it ever happens again, they might be a bit surprised as I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type at 38, I've been a closeted member of the LGBTQ family for some 30+ years and am just starting the process of obtaining an ASD diagnosis (with the encouragement of a psychotherapist who saw through all my masking). Generally, I would read the room and act appropriately, but I'm tired of masking, especially when it comes at my expense and it isn't helping anything. I'm now compartmentalized to the point of frustration (despite what they say in Ghostbusters, some times crossing the streams *is* a good thing)- so that will change, too.
@@tomyasko4100 Good luck on your journey. I hope it goes well :)
Thank you for another wonderful video. I have not been officially diagnosed with Autism yet so I don't tell people about it but I was diagnosed with ADHD between 10-12 and my whole life I've heard "you don't look ADHD." And I'm like ... what? They believe a hyperactive bouncing off the wall can't sit still person is ADHD. I always use this opportunity to pull out my knowledge and educate the masses lol. I think by the time I'm done talking they realize I'm definitely ADHD.
Ahhh, I didn't even realise that it might also be common to be told "you don't look ADHD". I'm still new to it!
@@YoSamdySam HYPE YES 🥝💞But Kinda HOT That Look Thou😉🥝😂 #StressISHARD‼️For #ADHD Peepz Right‼️Ps Wot ABOUT #$HELDDON🌐 BigBang⚡🌌#THOERY 💞😀💞
"They believe a hyperactive bouncing off the wall can't sit still person is ADHD..."
I know someone who nearly married a guy with ADHD and even she was dismissive of the idea that I have ADHD, because his behavior was very erratic even when medicated.
The intersection of ASD and ADHD also surely results in behaviors that throw people off.
Another version of this is saying “but everyone is a little on the spectrum.” My sister is a school psychologist and said this to me, and I told her it is said actually a very dismissive comment that makes me feel like other people think I’m saying I’m autistic to be attention seeking or quirky or something. Thank you so much for this video. I often doubt my own autism because of these types of comments. It’s so hard to embrace it when the world constantly dismisses our experiences with autism!
Your sister need to go back in class they learn autism is on a different spectrum
Your autism is valid!
I get the feeling that "everyone does that, try to show yourself some self compassion" is a big part of most psychologists' toolkits. I like my therapist, but she tends to default pretty quickly to that general approach. Yeah, I can certainly catastrophize. But a lot of things really are a bigger problem for me than for the "average person," and many of them create real problems. I'm not, in fact, that bad at recognizing real issues. If psychologists go that route automatically, it can start to resemble gaslighting.
Not everyone comes with fucked up brain architecture. Psychologists like her have obviously no neuroscience background and what they say is dismissive af
@@keylanoslokj1806 It's so frustrating. I am reminded at intervals how thoroughly separated physical medicine and behavioral science are. As if physiological conditions never influence cognitive function! I'd like to pursue my dysautonomia with a neurologist, but I have this idea they throw heavily to the physical medicine side. If I have POTS as part of it I might be able to get somewhere, but absent a "physical" symptom I suspect they would either suggest Xanax or just tell me to get counseling, which I've been in for years.. Those were the only two things my GP suggested a few years ago. At least my psyche did suggest Clonidine, which helps some.
My step mom looked serious at me and said "Excuse me, Kiki, but you don't have autism", when I told her about my diagnosis (that I received at 41). Still thinking about it three years later 😐
💜
The reaction of disbelief is also the one I was met with when I announced my midlife autism diagnosis to my family, friends and co-workers. Some of them still refuse to accept the fact.
@@TheCimbrianBull It is so dismissive and invalidating. I truly hope you were able to get any help you need 💜
I hope you looked right back at her and said “excuse me, stepmom, but YOU are NOT a doctor.”
@@messyjessynavigatestheworld I wish! 😊 I tried to persuade her. We didn't speak about it since. It has been several years. I think she still doesn't believe me. But this is just her personality. I know I should let go, the diagnosis is valid and correct in my opinion and experience.
My coworker said "I had no idea that you were struggling with stuff like that," which felt pretty similar to "you don't look autistic." Also, my brother responded with the good ol' "maybe we're all a little bit autistic." You said something really profound in this video that resonated with me... that "a lot of what we think are autistic traits that will always be there and they're just a part of autism are actually expressions of autistic distress." Wow.
My mom tried to pull a version of "we're all a little autistic" and my sister and I are just lowkey trying to convince her /she's/ autistic and has adhd, because where else would we have gotten it.
In my experience it’s usually people with many autistic traits saying „we’re all a little autistic“ 😂
I feel the thing your coworker said, could maybe have been meant truly sympathetic? Even though „stuff like that“ sounds a bit off 🙈 Probably depends very much on the tone it’s said in 😅
see, "everyone is a little autistic" makes me want to scream and I'm not even autistic myself, i just feel so strongly about invalidation and a lack of understanding...
@@Yeneney Yeah, i get that. To me personally it also sounds very much like "shut up now and get on with life, we all have problems". It's not a very empathetic thing to say T_T
I had a doctor throw my diagnosis on the table and accuse me of producing a fake document. Gave me a panic attack and I left in tears
It is terrible! 😔 I really hope you never had to come back to this ignorant prick. I had something similar experience once, he made me take antianxiety pills before believing me I have ADHD and ASD (both previously diagnosed by professionals) and prescribing me my ADHD non-stimulant medicine after all. I mean some doctors truly are dangerous. Take care! 💙
Yes I changed to another doctor and she is wonderful. My strategy for finding non narcissistic doctors is to really look at their photos on the website and notice who is smiling with their eyes. And choose them
@@BeautifulAwakening That's interesting! In my country almost no doctors are sharing pictures. They usually even don't have the website. I try to read the reviews but it is quite unreliable.
Anyway I am happy you were able to find a great doctor! 😄
💜
@@BeautifulAwakening That's really interesting! I have always chosen my medical professionals by their pictures without actually knowing why I trusted them. But my intuition has served me well. I actually have had amazing experiences with my medical providers.
There is a significant disconnect between the diagnosis and an understanding of the diagnosis. I had the unfortunate experience of working with a group of humans 20 years younger than me about 2 years ago, and I was expected to eat lunch with them. Due to sensory issues, I could not, and it forced me to explain to them the reason. From there out they ostracized me and talked about me, right in front of me, as though I was grossly unintelligent. I have a master's degree and function quite well with masking and hiding my stimming. I wish there was better understanding of what autism means. Thanks for this.
I'm sorry you had this experience. I hope you don't have to experience this again.
When anyone says to me -> "You don't look autistic" my thought is "that's good, my masking must be working" and I'd take it as a compliment. I hadn't occurred to me that it might be any form of aggression.
I find it hard to blame people who think I "don't look Autistic" and "don't look ADHD" because until a year ago I didn't seriously consider I had either condition myself. I was as unfamiliar with Aspergers and Inattentive ADHD as they are, much less that someone could have both. Even with the knowledge I have now, looking back at people I've known in my life I can only think of one person I've ever met who was probably Aspergers and one who was probably Inattentive (or otherwise subtle) ADHD. All the diagnosed ADHD kids I knew in high school were hyperactive and impulsive. Even my coworkers who are both very functional ADHD both "look ADHD" - one diagnosed has perpetual manic energy, the other undiagnosed but is very impulsive and constantly has one or both legs pumping when sitting.
What I do resent is the people who are stubborn on the issue. It's one thing to be surprised, even skeptical of the idea that I have ASD and ADHD. It's quite another to insist it's impossible for superficial reasons. I'm also quite annoyed, and a bit perplexed, by the reaction I have gotten exclusively from some older adults (old enough to be my parents) is a sort of horrified denial. It's not that they're narrow-minded on their definition of the condition and can't/won't adapt to new information; they're actively mortified at the possibility and unwilling to consider it on emotional grounds.
I am diagnosed autistic (and my clinician said v.likely adhd too but that wasn't her field) and I can tend to recognise neurodivergent fellow humans immediately from tiny tiny things that others can't. Like the smallest facial movements, and I swear we have different eyes. I tend to find these signifiers magnetic and beautiful.
Interesting, a father whose son is autistic told me that he could tell I was autistic by my eyes. I am waiting to be diagnosed.
That's so interesting! Perhaps a skill that will be valued in the future ... imagine how many people could be helped by earlier diagnosis. So many people I feel deeply resonant with have said 'me too' when I confided that I am only now realising (in my 40s) that I'm autistic. And I see it in them somehow, like a deep knowing of some kind.
how would you describe the "eyes" you recognize? I have a hard time explaining how i can detect others also have autism, but i usually can and hate to say that I usually dont get along with them. I cannot explain either instances and feel like an asshole about it often
@@AnxiousCowboy i know you are asking op but may i answer this? (i'm also autistic btw) i say we tend to have very long eyelashes, our eyes usually sunk deep (hope this make sense lol) and we tend to have big dark eyebag.
This obviously isnt diagnostic criteria, you may find autistic without this trait but allistic with it. But i'd say this is quite accurate to help me find fellow autistic in the wild
@@zalika8101 Yes, I agree. And the big, sunken, dark-lined eyes are a major tell-tale sign of genetic connective tissue disorders, like Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which many of us autistic people have (usually undiagnosed)
My youngest daughter was responsible for my diagnosis at 55. My husband didn't really believe it at first, but over the years, he's seen how my 'normal' activity (rocking babies on my hip, for example) didn't stop when the babies were grown. I rock and click and have the occasional quiet personal meltdown over the need to go into public, and he's slowly come to terms with it. To clarify, my husband has Cerebral Palsy, and wasn't diagnosed himself till he was 40. He really hates 'labels' because he thinks they can limit people, but my diagnosis was such a relief, he's worked thru all that.
Soooo
It isn’t just boredom when I’m involved in a conversation, and my mind is going just about everywhere, while trying to maintain the conversation????
It honestly feels like the inside of the tornado scene in the Wizard of Oz sometimes.
But yes,
I haven’t actually been diagnosed, and probably won’t because of the expense here in the states 🇺🇸
But I have been told by many who have, that they’re pretty certain I am.
And I have taken all of the “official” tests online and the scores don’t lie.
In fact they’re overwhelming.
But my friends and family are like
“what?!?!, nooo you don’t….you’re not….nooo….
but you don’t….nooo”
Bit off-topic, but once at a family gathering I felt brave enough with just my mom and little sister in the room to say aloud that I think I might be autistic, and my sister kind of snapped at me and said "oh yeah right, I hear everybody's somewhere on the spectrum." That kind of stung.
I wanted to say that just because everyone gets sad sometimes doesn't mean they suffer from clinical depression (which our mom does), but decided not to make a fuss and changed the subject instead.
I've no interest at nearly 60 in getting a diagnosis, but know myself well enough by now to think I'm somewhere on the spectrum and have always done a lot of masking (edited typo).
I first heard about the possibility I could be autistic about 10 years ago, and I was only diagnosed very recently. Most of my psychotherapists would tell me "you don't look autistic" or would blame my problems on other causes. I lost my dad when I was 12 and, later on when I was 24, my mum. In both of these periods, my autistic traits were much visible because, on top being autistic, I had to deal with grief, changes in my life (starting high school or starting my first job). So when people told me "you're just going through a phase, it'll get better", that just didn't help. I felt pretty invalidated and I even partly believed those people. The thing is that I've always been autistic, and the signs were there even during my childhood when things were going alright. Going through grief is difficult for diagnosed autistic people, it's even harder when you're undiagnosed. People didn't believe me when I said I could be autistic but also, people didn't believe me when I said I was depressed/sad (because I didn't express my emotions the way neurotypicals would). So, I can say that I'm very relieved that I was finally diagnosed as autistic. Even after the diagnosis, some people still don't believe me but I don't care, because, at least, other people believe me and that's what matters.
The most horrifying response was straight up horror. My sister in law then asked if my husband of 22 years knew. Um yeah! She literally responded like I had a disease😢 left that conversation feeling like a big pile dog doo
Sorry that response from your sister in law happened. Nearly all my favourite people are Autistic/ADHD (I'm recently diagnosed AuDHD).
My mother said that for both autism and my litteral trans identity. Like yes HE has a brain he can see both if these things unlike you
The horrified reaction is really weird. Some of people seem like they'd be less in denial if I was telling them I was gay than telling them I think I have ASD+ADHD.
Sorry to hear your story. Many of us (myself included) do not have supportive families. In that case, you must build and maintain your support system in other ways.
I've had it as a misplaced compliment many times. Like, "oh wow, I never would have guessed, well DONE".
This video is so timely. I recently made the difficult decision to "come out" professionally. As a lifetime unconscious masker, I hadn't necessarily needed to before, but every masker burms out, eventually. I burned out. I can't keep it up. So I've had to come clean. I think I'll be quoting this video extensively in future.
This. Never had a clue myself. Totally burned out after decades of masking. Selfdiagnosed AuDHD, but I want an official diagnosis now … for some „In your face!“ whenever needed. 😂
same here, burnout at 46 and it took me a year to self-diagnose first, now in the process of coming-out :-). Its actually fun to see people´s reactions and mine, well, i guess thats actually masking too :-)
Thanks, Sam! Another wonderful video. 😃I especially love "Au-DHD" to describe those of us with both Autism and ADHD- So clever! 💡Thank you for discussing masking/not masking in context of neurotypical definitions of what autism "looks" like (to them).
I can't take credit for the term AuDHD, but thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed the video! :)
@@YoSamdySam I've heard it gaining a lot of traction in recent months, and I like it too. I do wonder where it first developed. I bumped into a Purple Ella video, about a year old, where she was trying to come up with a term for the combination...that was one of two, the other I forget but it wasn't a keeper. I didn't have the feeling she got it elsewhere, but I doubt she was the first to coin it -- probably it was a GMTA kind of thing. If she somehow did, I'd be happy for her to get the credit, because I always think she should have more subscribers. :)
And yes, good video. You and Ella are my two mainstays on the topic of...well, AuDHD, and between the two of you I have sorted so much out about it. Your video of a few months back really helped me deal with the "I think I'm autistic, but I'm too X...and I think I'm ADHD, but I'm too Y" issue. (Also, your book.)
The more you research autism and adhd, the more you see them together in every individual labelled autistic or adhd. They are both very fluid presentations of the same underlying blueprint probably. You do not find autism or adhd on their own, and the notion of overlapping symptoms has been completely oversold.
Totally not siting here fidgeting while watching this
I was diagnosed with dyslexia before I was with autism and I very clearly remember my uncle telling me that "everyone was a little dyslexic" which is the weirdest example of someone dismissing one of my diagnosis.
I don't look autistic is what many people say to me and it makes me sad. I get made fun of for it saying i am faking it. I have a guy who hates me just for who i am and makes fun of my disabilities which really upsets me a lot. Yet there is someone else i know with the same issues i have and he is really nice to her which makes me sad because i am nice to the guy yet he is still mean to me
Don't let mean people get you down for long.
He's probably struggling with issues of insecurity, and also might not have developed much empathy yet (let's hope he does someday).
His behavior is no reflection on you, and you're still nice to him. That's pretty great. ✨
I get that a lot. Sometimes I tell them to draw me a picture of what it looks like, then stare at them without speaking further. It seems to be a pretty good way to shine some light on their ignorance.
@@Ann-snowshoeingonEnceladus yeah i talk about the mean things he had done at times and have called him a as***** but mainly because others have and he had called himself one so i don't know if its bad to do so since others do it and he is one twords me but today his best friend said to me you see him as one and he isn't one. What you see as a as***** behavior I see as just crazy behavior. I tell the truth and forget that can get me into trouble at times but i don't like holding in my emotions and stuff. I don't like showing how i trully feel on xbox where i met the guy but sometimes it slips out and i can't help it. I was also told today by people that you don't like it when people get upset mad and leave xbox parties yet you do the same. Reason i do is because at times i don't realize i am doing it or realize i do what i don't like others doing and when i do realize others are already mad at me for it. Plus when people do that kinda stuff even if i know its not that big a deal and i tell myself that and try to not be like that my heart starts racing and i start crying and I have been that way my whole life. But i try to be a good person and a nice one to and try each day to not let minor stuff get to me but getting better for you and people around you takes time. I am only 23 with the mental state between 2 to 16 because of my autism so i am still learning things and just can't help the way i am. I try not to be a woes me type person and am glad when people tell me when i do wrong or can improve in as a way to help me realize what i am doing wrong in a nice way since i don't realize i do it very often and can't help that it still makes me sad to know i am doing something wrong but actions have consequences weather there good or bad no one gets off the hook every time. Just hope that this guy is not mean all his life
I get it a lot whenever I tell people about my ASD. I spent so much energy on masking it catches people off guard.
I like your background it's pretty, i also have ASD and ADHD as well as dyslexia.
It is quite hard to camoflage sometimes, i wish i didn't have to but it's mainly to survive rather than because i want to be the same as everyone else.
I like being different, but the nurotypicals see difference as a threat, so i hide, i mask and i keep up a fake act to keep myself safe.
Maybe one day we won't have to, but i will be long gone by then.
I was officially diagnosed with ADHD at 47 and now, as I'm about to turn 50, I am pretty sure I am ASD. It's a struggle not to obsess about how life-changing an early diagnosis would have been, but I'm still grateful to now have a framework for understanding my past with more clarity. I wonder if having both ADHD and ASD make diagnosing either more difficult? I've been watching and emulating others my whole life, and I always thought that's just how you did it. I won awards for acting in high school and now wonder if that's because I've been "acting" my whole life. It's helpful finding a community of others and affirming finding these videos. I've been told "you're not ADHD" even though I was diagnosed. Or even worse, "aren't we all?!" It feels like being dismissed. People are exhausting. Probably why I prefer the company of dogs.
I totally get where you're coming from! I learned very early in life that being a good actor is critical to survival. Now I'm a regular Anthony Hopkins! Ha ha ha. Also prefer large, calm dogs over most people.
Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it❤
Join my club! I’m high masking… I was finally correctly diagnosed as HS autistic at age 67, I didn’t believe it at first. It took incompetent psychiatrists that misdiagnosed me as bipolar that woke me up-the wrong medications almost killed me…
Forever grateful for hypnotherapy. Prayers too. I truly survived the extreme buzzing, erratic brain, etc.
I do have ADHD and need low dosage Add erall nothing else besides an anti inflammatory gluten-free diet, organic, stationary bike, meditation, painting, sewing, stretching, calisthenics, etc.
I couldn’t ignore the diagnosis after watching The Good Doctor TV show (🙄) it reminded me of my own childhood traumas. Time for more growth. Nothing like figuring out your own life puzzle on earth. I totally embrace my life now. I learned to avoid toxic people.
I’ve always told I’m naïve but it’s actually autism. I miss social clues. I’m learning to read people, have plenty of books. I’m a happy 69 year old❤
💔Sadly, my book on autism by a Phd. SAC doctor… only 3-7% of older adults are properly diagnosed?!
It’s just so inspiring how well you explain and navigate these issues. And I know, you’re well educated on this stuff, but still, the simultaneous clarity and depth is just always on point. I’m now a year into knowing I’m autistic, and all your videos are so incredibly relatable and validating.
Thanks for that, Sam, that was really good, as usual. P.S. I have my appointment for my autism assessment after over a year of bouncing from one psychologist to another and never getting anywhere. This one actually specializes in ASD (all ages). My appointment is less than two months away 🙂
I remember being in my 20's, having realized that I couldn't read emotions and body language particularly well, and being told that I should watch TV to learn how to read them properly. It never made sense to me because I knew by then that I could understand what was going on in the TV show, but that it didn't translate to real life. I ended up describing it as "Imagine that emotions are colours. TV show (and my ability to read emotions) come in 16 colours. Real life, however, exists in 256 or sometimes even in 512 colours".
I'm glad I have my diagnosis now. It's truly a relief ☺️
I stim by singing a lot. I also stim by snapping my fingers. People just assume that I'm being musical. But it's stimming.swimming.
I also use playing my instruments as a means of stimming. And I can't leave the house without either an instrument, or my noise cancelling earbuds.
"We have no picture of what a happy, fulfilled autistic person looks like."
This makes me want to cry, but I feel relieved at the same time. Maybe... I didn't realize something was going on because for a significant portion of my life, I was happy. Or at least content.
Menopause broke my mask and I was diagnosed last year aged 51 , I have told virtually no one about my diagnosis because I am expecting exactly this response and because people don’t understand when you are diagnosed as an adult that you didn’t suddenly become autistic that actually you were born autistic and didn’t suddenly develop an allergy to NT life !
That last sentence gave me a good old giggle! As a late-diagnosed adult I too am allergic to NT life and must take my precautions. 😁
If I may: was getting diagnosed difficult, and was it worth it?
Every time I try to imagine doing it panic rises and I can't make the surety of a concrete diagnosis override the terror of breaking away from my routine and dealing with a bunch of new situations & places, plus people who are literally there to test and judge me.
I've decided a hundred times that I don't want to go through all that, but the question does insist on resurfacing even though I think I've buried it.
@@Ann-snowshoeingonEnceladus it’s quite difficult where I live in the UK there is a 4 year waiting list so I had to use my savings and have it done privately which from what I can gather was probably a better experience as the people were very kind and not in the least judgemental in the way you think they might be.
I was absolutely terrified prior to the assessment, scared how it would change me , scared my husband would leave me as he didn’t sign up for an autistic wife but I struggle so badly with some of the traits I had to know so I could work out what was the right way to try and deal with them. I got my diagnosis on 1st December last year and it was life changing ..it totally reframed my miserable childhood ( my own mother told me I wasn’t right in the head and I would end up in an asylum) , and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel alone , I knew there were other people like me and that I wasn’t wrong I was just different and I fitted somewhere. For me it was totally worth every penny … I’ll be honest I found the process exhausting physically and emotionally but it was worth it , the only downside is that there is next to no support for adults post diagnosis here so that’s what I need to save up for next. If you want to ask anything else please do
@@cazridley5822 Wow, your journey has been quite something! Mine has been much less difficult. Sorry to read that your mother said such things, that's so sad. You're incredibly strong. Thank you so much for your response! If i decide to take the leap, I will definitely let you know.
Best to you! 💙
@@Ann-snowshoeingonEnceladus wishing you all the very best on your journey, do let us know how you get on 😊
Thank you for this great video. It is very relatable.
Thank you for bringing up this issue. I have had mixed responses from people when I have told them I'm autistic. And I don't listen to the words but study the inclination as its said. Sometimes its said in an appologetic sort of "gosh I didn't realise, is there any accommodation I haven't made that you would like me to make for you because I genuinely care about you?" way. And I've had the "I don't believe you and stop making stupid excuses, I don't care" sort of way. Very different.
You find out who really cares about you as a person and the asd community in one statement!
Send out much love to all you beautiful people and thank you for your content lovely Sam. X
Yes, can relate all too well to your experience. Or what about variations of "we're all a bit autistic".
@@TheCimbrianBull While anyone could have a few autistic traits you need to have a whole list of traits for diagnosis.
@@TheCimbrianBull oh yes! We are "all somewhere on the spectrum" according to some well meaning ( but sadly misinformed) people. 🤦♀️
Thank you thank you thank you for your videos. I was struggling so much with burnout which kept repeating, and (without searching specifically for autism) I landed on your videos, which resonated with me so strongly. I have just received an adult autism diagnosis and I'm now trying to figure out life as an autistic person. I have definitely had people that tell me that "I can't be autistic" because I don't "look" autistic and I have learned to be so good at masking and mirroring (despite the energy it takes up).
I just got my dual diagnosis ADHD and Autism at 38 🎉🎉🎉 Sam, I just want to say thanks very much for your UA-cam videos as you gave me the confidence to ask for a dual diagnosis.
I feel more at peace than I have in years.
They were actually like, you know you have quite severe dysfunction in executive function right? 😂 I guess.... I just got on with it up til now. But I'm tired. And now I have answers
I guess that's why a lot of us ended up discovering our Autism during 2020 or after: major stress in the world thanks to Covid and its knock-on consequences.
Thats exactly what happened to me and weirdly also to two people I became friends with over twitter (lol). Pandemic hit, I was forced to study from home and live with my parents again, first year was "tolerable" but after some time it became pretty obvious.
I figured it out because of the shut down, but sort of for the opposite reason. It was the first time I didn't feel overwhelmed and in a constant state of burnout because I didn't have to socialize or mask.
For me it was actually the other way round. I realized I'm autistic during the pandemic because during lockdown I realized how much less stressful my life is when I don't have to go to uni every day and can stay in bed for the amount of time I actually need to recover from autistic burnout.
I would say the exact opposite. The lockdown was a lot of fun for me because I feel uncomfortable in a crowded world, and there was far fewer people everywhere I’d go. I got to take time off of work and spend time stress free doing things I enjoy at my own pace. It only occurred to me that I could be autistic when I saw a billboard that said “Sensory sensitivity is a sign of Autism” and it really spoke to me. I did the research and here I am now.
It was opposite for me. The intense relief I felt at being excused from socializing and shopping was a surprise. When the lockdown lifted, I never went back to “normal”.
Thanks Sam for yet another superb, informative and pertinent video. I've been told, "you don't look..." for both my ADHD and Autism. I'm tempted to just have a mask with those diagnoses written on it so I can rip it out whenever people question me. But I believe the phrase, "are you sure?" is actually worse and is something I get frequently too. None of it would happen if I said, "I've been diagnosed with (insert physiological condition here)." So frustrating! But we carry on don't we? 👍 Thank you again for being such a great advocate Yo Sandy Sam.
Oh lord, yes! Or "we're all a bit autistic".
I was diagnosed ADHD in 2020 and autistic last year (though I actually requested the autism assessment before even realising ADHD was likely too!). I've said for years that I think my struggles may have gone unnoticed because my autistic traits and my ADHD traits can almost cancel each other out as far as what the outside world sees, and the psychiatrist who diagnosed my autism confirmed this - they mask each other.
I'm still waiting for someone to tell me I don't look autistic, as I wonder if I will actually be brave enough to use my planned response of "and you don't look ignorant, yet here we are".
Damn, the singing, especially to myself or around people ive gotten to used to and feel safe around and finally the talking to myself especially when organizing my thoughts while doing a task are both things i do daily.
Diagnosed ADHD four years ago at age 50 (none too soon😅) and since then, as I learn more about autism symptoms, everything screams “yes, you too!!!” So far I haven’t been able to line up a full assessment, but I did present two different scores from self-assessments to my psychiatrist, who told me that yes, based on that, there’s a strong likelihood I’m on the ASD spectrum. So I’m now approaching life as if I’d been diagnosed such, and it’s definitely changed my attitudes about masking and maintaining comfortable environments for myself. (Also about boundaries - basically, “This is me, deal with it.”)😎😊
Outstandingly accurate, insightful and articulate, sometimes it is those who are closest to you are the least objective and ignorant at times. Thank God for the ‘Super Powers’ to maintain the balance in life, thank you for the excellent content Sam ❤️🙂
Every time I see you have posted a video it brightens my day. Great video as always! :)
I'm unable to express the way i wish/able to, how much this resonates with me. To find someone that hits every single aspect of the way of living i've been struggling with. I finally don't feel so alone or alienated. I too decided to get a degree in psychology purely to understand social behaviour, to understand the many reasons as to why I can't figure out what's considered 'the norm' and the inability to fit in. I can't thank you enough for this video. I wish to find more people like you and others like me. It's quite lonely.
It's been so long since I've had friends to hang out with and people to see outside of my husband kids and my mom that I completely forgot how to mask. I'm starting to see what I'm like without outside influence. And before learning about all these autistic traits I started to display them before I learned that's what they were. And when I look back in my childhood there were so many obvious signs even with my masking
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 42. It took about 9 months to diagnose me because I also had Autistic traits.
As the ADHD was more prevalent than the Autism, my official diagnosis (and support treatment) is for ADHD.
With that in mind:
I get the 'You can't have ADHD - your are too quiet' every time I reveal it to a friend or colleague. But it's the autistic part of met that makes my ADHD mostly internal.
It's only when I explain that it means being distracted - or having difficulties to prioritise primary from secondary goals and tasks - that they say 'Oh yes, we recognise that in you'.
It's the main reason why I only talk about it to close family, close friends and close colleagues. I don't want to hear the 'you can't be...' response too often.
"you dont look autistic". just means: oh I'm surprised to hear that! I have to change my picture of the world
5:45 I'm just now seeking a diagnosis at 32, and I'm already running into "I don't see it."
But I've studied people and language obsessively my entire life, to the extent of studying anthropology and linguistics as an adult. I think that's why I might be so good at masking. But it's already getting frustrating to not be believed. 😔
Great video, both to the point and broad in coverage of the subject. You certainly described the process of my adult life: camouflage-exausthion-diagnostic-disclosure, ... Thank you Sam
"You don't look autistic" is something I've heard way too much, even from psychiatrists and psychologists and honestly it always hurts. I also want to say that I watched your "5 signs you have ADHD and autism" and it helped me a lot. I was already suspecting I had ADHD but your video was a big wake-up call for me to get diagnosed. I got diagnosed last week and got the medication I needed and, even tho I've been medicating just for a few days, it already changed my life so much and it's helping me a lot. I'm really glad I discovered your channel and I'm happy that people can hear from a psychiatrist that has autism and ADHD, as I often think that people that doesn't have those conditions tend to downplay it's symptomps and struggles, even other professionals tend to treat it as if it's not as big of a deal, but from the inside things are a lot different.
Keep it up!
I was told that I couldn't be autistic because I hate trains. I am still confused 7 years later. Most of my stims are vocal or just noise (humming, tapping, clicking my tongue, etc). I masked by throwing myself into the busy work no one paid attention to or liked to do. I did paperwork, worked on coatumes, scheduled things out for the groups I was in, etc. My scripts changed depending on which group I was with. I look at eye brows, ears, hair, or over a shoulder. Now I start out with I am autistic, bear with me.
I think one of the most satisfactory reactions I've got after disclosing my diagnosis to someone was to listen. "Oh, so you have a lighter version" (the conversation wasn't in English and I don't know how to translate while passing the whole meaning but...). It was truly validating.
This is probably my favorite UA-cam channel!
Wow you just made me realize that the stress in my life is why I’ve been struggling a lot more and have had asd and adhd traits become so obvious. I’ve also done a lot of deep inner healing which peeled masks off I didn’t know I was using. I relate very much to the push-pull of having both.
Hi again. I'm so happy to see you adjusted your ring light.
Keep being awesome Love your content.
That's my son's key reason why I can't possibly be autistic - he was the manager of an autistic chap at work and I'm not anything like that person - I don't 'look' autistic. Also his friend is a carer for autistic people who need care and I'm not like them. And I cope too well with life apparently, I'm too 'smart'. Lols. Still awaiting diagnosis though I think I'm adhd and autistic.
I have heard that before, and fortunately this person responded well to a UA-cam video on women with autism. And changed up staff orientation.
Always with the "too smart" and "too well adjusted"
Oh honey, I am not adjusted at all.
Autism has brought me nothing but an incredibly hard life! ( I am a 56 year old female ) who has recently discovered she's autistic - I am struggling. My autism had the unfortunate side effect of alcoholism. I am sober 22 years now. So much of my unfortunate life was governed by autism and I didn't know it.
So much valuable introspective information here!
I know how a happy fulfilled autistic looks like!!! would you make a video about the topic? it sounds like a very interesting topic to talk about
Thank you 🙏 .
The content is superb
For me the use of term “micro aggression” is a micro aggression 😅
I've masked my symptoms so much that I live with constant back pain because my body is tensed to the max to 'behave normally'. When I need to burst out, I light a cigarette (it's still socially acceptable in my country). I have really struggled to stop smoking and I never realised how it's an important (but damaging) tool to occupy my hands and breathe heavily to release the intense pressure of keeping acceptably postured. I also use it as an excuse to get away from people for a moment before I scream. Now that I see this, it might make it easier to navigate through quitting.
I don’t really care what people tell me id rather correct them and educate them than just getting pissed off cause really not many people have done research on autism as much as the autistic community I’m kinda embarrassed for the world people really don’t have the average knowledge about what autism is most people think they know everything and then only knowing stereotypical autism in movies etc. but yea just my thoughts not meant to upset anyone it’s really just me kinda coping with thought my typing the out loud kinda. Also you really helped educate my parents I really didn’t have the energy to tell my parents everything about autism so I just send links to ur videos u spare me so much energy so thx
I've never been told, but I suspect those who say it do so coming from one of two places: either they mean it metaphorically and when they say "look" they actually mean "act" or "seem" or they're uninformed and actually think we have a certain look because they've conflated Autism with something visually distinguishing like Downs Syndrome or Cerebral Palsy.
And masking... being a kid in the late '50s and early '60s and with a mother who truly believed that I was a deliberate contrarian with nefarious intentions, I had to learn to mask early and mask hard; so much so that it's hard to drop it even when I'm by myself. It is so exhausting; continual improvisational theater with ever-changing themes.
I finally figured out that I was autistic due to….menopause! Early onset menopause made all of the traits that I was already dealing with blow up to the point where I was past my normal miserable. Things are better now that I know that I have auditory sensitivities, tactile sensitivities, need about 23 hours of alone time a day, and have more support from my spouse. Thanks to Sam for her video on autism in Women. I would have never figured it out without having watched it.
The ironic thing is that even high masking autistics and AuDHD still has some traits that is fairly obvious to other ND people that NT's are either oblivious to or subconsciously repulsed by.
Of course one of the main hint to me that someone else is also ND is that they are not put off (and usually seems more interested) when my own masking slips up and I break social conventions. And NT's would never do that because they're not masking (at least not that kind of masking) so they don't have access to that clue.
I'm AuADHD. I've disclosed my ADHD at work (The team leader stressed me too much that I had no choice but disclose so she understand that stressing me will just make things worse for me) . My team leader replied politely as if she understands. But her body language implied she doesn't believe me.
I got fired two weeks later due to... "redundancy" 😑
I’ve told my coworkers about my adhd, because honestly it’s so obvious when I need to walk around the room or I talk non stop 😅 but one of them told me “oh but that’s normal, we all struggle with that” I said nope, u actually need meds, like it’s a real thing. I still think she doesn’t believe me. I suspect she too is neurodivergent but hasn’t realized yet, so she thinks my struggles are normal because she experiences them too
Dislike because of the shitty excuse of a reason for being fired and having the balls to officially say “redundant” employee. I’m so sorry you put yourself vulnerable out there and that was the response you got. Fellow AuADHD as well. I understand to the best I can.
@@AurorasWindow Some of my co-workers and even my manager said to me: 'oh, but we all have some autistic traits' ....
One co-worker keeps pushing me to go to a psychiatrist for medication.
Great support, really. Thankfully my friends and family are very supportive :)
@@AurorasWindow Whenever someone says "we all struggle with that," I want to give them the phone number of a reliable psychologist and say, "Take some time to get to know yourself better."
For better or worse, no one has ever said to me that I don't look autistic, after I told them I was. I guess I'm not masking that well?
B.
Thanks, Sam! You covered all the bases!
Once you've reach mid30ish,I must admit masking do requires a lot of energy.
This
I'm in an ED recovery program and I'm also learning about my autistic traits and how they relate to ED. I'm 40 and if i get into an assessment I'll be late diagnosed. A 60 year old woman in the program says to me, "you don't look or seem autistic". It hurt because I'm actively trying to not mask but it's very difficult learning what is me and what is the mask. So her response told me I'm masking too much. I talked to my therapist about it and she said "when i asked you what you like to do for fun, you gave me the most neurodivergent response I've ever heard". My therapist specializes in treating patients who also have autism (but not like she's "treating" the autism) so that kind of reassured me.
It's weird for me: I've always looked very autistic, and never learned how to mask, but I also wasn't diagnosed until the age of 19.
The thing is that when I was growing up as a little kid here in Spain in the 2000s, people had no idea what autism, or even "Asperger's" looks like.
People thought, and still think honestly, that in order to have "Asperger's" a kid must look broken, very visibly & profoundly handicapped.
And I didn't look broken, nor very visibly & profoundly handicapped.
But I still was and still am to this a very eccentric, quirky & awkward oddball who wouldn't stop enthusiastically info-dumping everyone around me about whichever overly intellectual topic I was obsessed with at that moment & who clearly didn't get at all figurative language, body language, irony & sarcasm, idioms, hints, how conversations are meant to flow naturally & when was my turn to speak, the unspoken rules of interaction, social conventions, the different registers, what is & isn't appropriate to do or say in any given context, small talk... you know, the whole thing.
And still, despite how obvious it was & my complete lack of masking throughout my life, nobody ever noticed, because I didn't look broken not very visibly & profoundly handicapped, quite the opposite, I was a very smart kid with a very high IQ who, despite being extremely socially awkward & not getting at all all the social rules I've listed above, was always very driven to socialize, make friends, etc (I'm also an ADHD'er, or an AuDHD'er if you will XD).
But still, I think that I never passed as neurotypical either way, people just didn't have a word for my very obvious & unmasked oddness (oddness that nobody saw as a disorder, because, again, I didn't look broken), but they saw it, and all my life I've been treated as a neurodivergent person, not as a neurotypical, since, again, I've never masked.
I'm the same. I think part of the issue is that many autistic traits taken out of context could just be personality quirks, so many people think you must just have a weird, annoying personality. They don't look at the combination, frequency, and pattern of traits all together and think there could be a biological explanation. I think many people also assume there is a stark, obvious divide between disabled and nondisabled and are very resistant to the idea that someone could have a lot in common with them and still be disabled.
Good call, I feel very similar.
The mention of how NTs can end up associating other co-occurring disabilities as being caused by autism itself (and therefore dismissing autistic people who don't have these co-occurring disabilities) makes me really want a video about autisms comorbidities (and suspected comorbidities, because, let's face it, the Autistic community is often WAY ahead of the medical community when it comes to understanding us and it can take years for research to catch up and prove what we already knew).
I'm in support groups for EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and support groups for autism and ADHD, and it's always entertaining when someone in the EDS group brings up being on the spectrum, and a large chunk of the group chime in with "ME TOO!" and vice versa in the ND groups.
I find it especially entertaining in the real world where ND people tend to gravitate to each other. EDS is supposed to be rare (it's underdiagnosed though so rarity is debatable) but most of the people I know show signs of having it, I thought that was weird until I found out that 1.) I'm ND 2.) All my friends are ND 3.)EDS and Autism are comorbid... So my sample group for how frequently EDS occurs in the general population is incredibly skewed.
You are very clear on the subjects and also funnny in the way you talk about all these prety anoying comments you've come acrosse..👍😊
And you are very expressive in your intonation and facial expressions (not very like people on the spectrum, sorry I am joking🤭😁).
I am also diagnosed on the spectrum, 7 years ago, at 43(!)
Never thougt of that possibillity. Because of my social personality, empathie and sarcastic humor.. So I was also prejudiced.. I really enjoy your video's, keep it up!👍
Are we not all one of a kind, unique as individual and personalities?❤
Yay! another video :) Your videos are amazing Sam :)
No insight from me, but thanks for this wonderful video that had validated my feelings and articulated many of my muddled thoughts!
Thank you for making such informative videos! I'm just vibing here as a neurotypical person who wants to understand others better because you guys often get judged so harshly and in real life it's harder to make sense of how you feel. Please keep up the good work 💕
Yes, I've had it said to me once, early after my diagnosis. I was 48 years old then though and had mastered masking. Now when I tell people, I find that they have no real interest and just carry on treating me like a neurotypical person and are happy for me to mask as long as they are comfortable.
That's also my general experience when it comes to disclosing my autism. As long as they don't perceive you and your otherness as a "threat" they don't really care about your diagnosis.
That sounds pretty much like me. I’m sure for many years that I got ADHD and after more time passed it would surprise me if a psychology pro would tell me that I also got Autism but I don’t want an official diagnosis but it could lead to more discrimination.
Mostly people portrait me as a quiet, nerdy person but I also got lively loud side. It could switch pretty fast. I enjoy much alone time. It’s more fun that artificial small talk. When I enjoy something I could easily run a large group of people.
Doing Muay Thai and K1 is fun and also that chaos during fights/sparring is relaxing. I think combat sport attract many neuro-diverse people😅
"what we think of as autistic traits is actually autistic distress" WOW. That sentence changed my way of thinking.
Your background sparkles and stims me while watching/listening to this video. Thanks for your content ♡☆
Your video made me realize that I probably have both too. I'm going to see a doctor to talk about ADHD, but I have things that I relate to ADHD but not necessarily strongly, so sometimes I wonder if I really have it. But then sometimes I see a few people with autism speaking about what they feel and it kinds of resonated with me but not as strongly neither, so I have this feeling that I have a little bit of both but I'm not 100% of any. So I feel like now everything makes sense! I feel like my inner confusion is finally explained.
Thank you for another great video! The reactions I've had to me saying I think I might be autistic or have ADHD has made me feel stupid before. I think a lot of it comes down to them not understanding how autism or ADHD can manifest, and also the fact that I hide most of my struggles from others. It feels like I can't talk to anyone except for a couple of neurodivergent friends because they don't judge me. I want to pursue a diagnosis but I'm worried that I've been masking too well, or maybe the assessor won't see the signs just like nearly everyone else in my life. I feel a bit defeated to be honest but if I can bring myself to call the GP we'll see.
It happens to me that I don’t know if I’m masking or not, most of the times. It’s been a year since I got my ASD diagnosis and I still feel really confused of who am I. The one that used to tell me “it’s normal that people get confused about you because you don’t look autistic!” it’s my father. It’s frustating that your family doesn’t accept you and your struggles. Thank you for your work, your videos are so useful.😊
I'm a preschool special education teacher. I'm also (self-identified) Autistic. I have found your videos validating and so helpful - thank you. Anyway, most of my students who are Autistic have been diagnosed and/or identified as eligible for special education services because they clearly present with the aspects of autism that many of us semi-professional mask-ers have-- to an extent-- learned to hide or to diminish. However: last school year, I had a student who didn't have an identified disability yet had difficulty with social interactions with the other kids, extreme reactions to situations that cognitively I would expect her to be able to manage, a passion for Pokemon and anime, and (I didn't deduce until the middle of the school year) sensory issues. Her language comprehension and expression are developmentally advanced. It took months until I had that "eureka" moment and realized that she is probably autistic and that part of her distress within my classroom was from trying to learn to mask. In other words, even as an Autistic person whose passion is learning about autism, it took me a long time to pinpoint that she is probably autistic *because* she is learning to mask. She was 3 years old, turning 4! She doesn't "look" autistic... Which just goes to show that we have to keep actively dismantling the stereotypes about what autism "looks" like, while honoring that many Autistic folks present with aspects of autism that the public has been taught to recognize. (I hope that all makes sense. Anyone please let me know if I've committed any microaggressions myself so that I can acknowledge them and learn to do better.)
Amazing video Sam!
I find it super upsetting when someone tells me " It's all in your head, if you wanted to stop this excuse called autism you could but instead you chose to hide behind it " as if to say I'm faking Autism for some reason. I've also gotten the few people telling me I don't look autistic. And when I ask why they think that they say because I look normal. And I don't act how they expect me too. It's annoying. But this is indeed a great video and I'm going to keep it handy next time someone says something like this maybe it'll help them understand if someone else explains it. lol. 👍
"It's all in your head, if you wanted to stop this excuse called autism you could but instead you chose to hide behind it"
Which is laughable for pretty much anyone getting diagnosed in middle age. This isn't an excuse; this is the long-awaited explanation for what has been going on for decades!
@@jliller for me personally it stings when it’s something I live with that people are trying to reduce to an excuse. It’s what drives my anger sometimes. And shows that the other person doesn’t understand and refuses to understand. So I literally stop talking to them and walk away if they believe I’m just making excuses. Worse part is that some of these people are my own family. And that is hard to deal with when your own family thinks your making something up when it’s something real.
I've come to believe that, because so few people understand a damned thing about brain biology, most people have this image of the mind as this big, mysterious space, filled with nothing but thoughts and feelings, all freely chosen. That behavior is solely decided by free will, and neural functioning plays no role.
I'm a huge fan of Robert Sapolsky, whose lecture series on Human Behavioral Biology is available on the Stanford UA-cam channel. He does an amazing job of laying out how many parts of our cognitive functioning are not solely the province of consciously made decisions. For someone not up for the full 40-hour course, #14, the limbic system (also includes the Triune Brain concept) is a good primer.
@@leosthrivwithautism All too often family simply isn't supportive in the way most people expect them to be, and autism-denial is unfortunately just the tip of that iceberg.
@@jliller agreed
As a child and teenager I was obsessed with itching! I was constantly scratching wounds on myself. And we had a wallpaper with tiny, tiny like bubbles that I couldn't help but scratch away as I sat watching TV. As an adult I can’t help itching on my husbands back!!! And I have a 5 yrs old who WANTS me to itch her little wounds…And I have always since I was A child felt: ”I am different. And yes! I am a HSP. I also always was rocking on my chair at the table. Now I often start to play with my fingers on the table. But my family always tell me to STOP! 🙄🤔
I've had people say they don't think I'm autistic.
It doesn't bother me.
I agree with you. There have been stereotypes in the media about autistic people since the 90's with geeky looking computer geeks that can spot fine details they call being 'detail orientated' and wear rectangular glasses. This stereotype was created by computer companies. Not every autistic person is like that. I have seen statistics that only about 2% of autistic people are so called 'gifted' like that. For many it seems to manifest in obsessional behavior's and interests that last for a long time in their life or their desire to accumulate categorical information or things.
We all look gifted to them, they never learn that much about a single topic
@@draalttom844 Yes, it is so true what you say.
Stress is actually why I started researching and talked to my friends about being autistic! Because I wasn’t in public school or had many/any peer friends growing up, and due to my family structure and micro-culture I was able to be quietly autistic and either mask many of my traits or indulge in them when alone/in a way that wasn’t disruptive. I really only started feeling and showing traits once I moved back in with my family after college and started experiencing things that weren’t completely explainable by my “abnormal upbringing” or my mom telling me I was an HSP (highly sensitive person, which I don’t actually know how that trend is going anymore but as far as I can tell looking back it was a mix of non-disruptive autistic behaviour, mostly sensory issues, and high anxiety).
Being a quiet autistic kid has also meant that my parents didn’t have the best reaction to me telling them about my self diagnosis, lol. My friends are super supportive though, and my boss is super good about modifying stuff to my needs. Sometimes I feel like I’m taking advantage of them (both my friends and my boss) but I try to keep a positive mindset and remind myself that these people are doing this because they want to and because they love me, not because I’m a burden they’re now forced to carry by being in my proximity ^-^
I have ADD and Autisum......i actually had a full grown adult say to me..... " You can't have autism ur not a boy.....????" I was so stunned I just walked away without saying a word. Ive also gotten " You don't look autistic." Well that might be because you never observe me ever for longer than a half hour in public if I can help it because im super stressed outside of my home and will wear sunglasses and large headphones just so im not spoken to or interacted with because I became so stressed that ill just shut down and be unable to accomplish anything meaningful if I don't. Heck I have an immediate sense of dread at someone knocking on my front door and realising that ill have to interact with or engage with someone -anyone.
Autistic distress?! That’s a new info idea to look into…thanks, Sam!
It's very real and important to understand. I need to monitor my emotional and physiological responses very carefully in order to manage my energy expenditure and other activities. No point in pushing myself if I really need to isolate and rest. Else things just get worse.
As a fellow autistic person when I was hired at my job the gm said he could tell I was on the spectrum the moment I spoke due to him having 2 kids on the spectrum but to everyone else they couldn't I wasn't on the spectrum
As for my stimming I have headphones I where 24/7 I don't leave without music. I started a new stim where I just start whistling, hand shake violently (I have punched many of sinks on accident)
I used to have a stim for stress that I'm so glad I was able to get rid of which was clawing my skin