People often say they didn’t feel like a woman or they didn’t feel like a man, when in reality, no one knows what anyone other than themselves feels like. If your a girl and don’t like feminine things be masculine or be androgynous. Do whatever makes you happy, just don’t rush out and make unhealthy and irreversible changes to your body.
What does someone here mean when they say they have masc and fem inside? Cannot one simply have a female body and an expansive and creative character that doesn’t want to be confined to society’s stereotypes?
you could also be genderqueer or gender-nonconforming....or, if you don't relate to anything, not even a spectrum, you could be agender. None of that means that some don't have a strong sense of feeling both masculine and feminine in their core. Definitions exist and only matter when trying to figure things out for yourself or wanting (not having) to explain yourself.
I think you can deffinitely be a women who doesn't conform to stereotypical gender roles, but it also could be the other way around- maybe you feel male and because of this you try to conform to male stereotypical gender norms.
@@estefaniaboujon6830 Hard agree. Overlabelling leads to problems embracing the whole or nothing at all, imo. You have less chance of putting yourself in the wrong box if you don't fucking touch the boxes to begin with and just... live.
Sounds like your mother’s expectations were suffocating, and you had to get away from them. Not that that’s the only thing going on but your whole story was quite interesting.
31:14 I honestly didn't expect to relate to this, but at this time stamp, I did. As a teen, an Indian (from India) doctor convinced my mom my asthma was all in my head. I literally spent my entire 15th year sleeping upright so I wouldn't suffocate lying down. My mom literally believed this until a couple years ago, down to outright blaming me for "doing" asthma attacks on purpose to make her life harder, until a brief boyfriend of hers told her "No, seriously, look, if she's got asthma and doesn't get medication, she could die" and he gave me the last of his current inhaler. Prior to the day she handed me that inhaler, I had been awake 5 or 8 days (no idea how long, in truth, because the days fly by after 2 awake) because I could not lay down and there was no way to sleep sitting up at that apartment. Thank goodness for coffee, because that was how I survived staying awake the whole time. Parents, if you do this crap to your children, you are the worst of the worst, right up there with the molesters. By saying your children fake serious debilitating conditions just to make your life harder is hardcore mental abuse.
I think narcissist parents see any problem with their child as a reflection on themselves, but in reality, illnesses just happen, pretending they're not happening only makes things worse for everyone involved.
I am so blown away by you story, your intelligence, your self actualization and your insight. This is such a unique story and I hope you will continue to share your journey cuase you are an incredible storyteller. I also send you all my best wishes for continued understanding and growth of your world and how you fit into it. Truly incredible!
I don’t want to be a human either. Many of us Autists relate better to animals. They love unconditionally and are so accepting. My mom was just like you too. Narc mothers help to further harm Autistic daughters.
That's the thing, I have no problem with being human, I am extroverted, I like people, very social. Where as Otherkin are socially awkward and anxious and have trouble connecting to others. So I don't quite fit into that group either. But I will do a video focusing on otherkin.
I label myself as otherkin leaning. I don't desire to have a human body (why would anyone?), but while I acknowledge that I have a human biology I struggle to see or feel myself as human internally in the way other people seem to be human.
@@someonesomeone25 I mean, I just don't know what legal or societal options you would have. How do you renounce humanity? What do you do if you have no legal rights or adult obligations? I wish i could offer something more than questions but if you aren't human what are you?
@@madamvaudelune3298 Legal options, none. Which doesn't matter. I obey only laws I want to anyway. Socially? I just tell people if it arises in conversation, and their reaction doesn't matter.
As someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) it is so intriguing to me you arent able to feel emotions. As being extremely highly emotional is the only thing ive ever known!
When you talked about wanting to serve people, and getting genuine satisfaction out of it, I kind of resonate with it on some deep level. Especially when you said about serving a family of some kind. My favorite line was "I'm a servant, not a slave"
I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 25 minutes deep and wow does it feel good hearing about someone elses problematic family. My family is similar especially with the mother aspect. Our mothers would probably get along, that is if mine got along with anyone. I'm from a small town with very unproblematic lives. Thank you for making me feel less alone, even if its in the most unconventional way!
Back in the day when I was first in the hospital for depression, they thought I could have autism, but I passed their tests. I've been medically transitioning for the past 2.5 years and I'm very happy with the results, but sometimes I worry that my semi-autistic characteristics have somehow tricked me into being trans. (I also have a LOT of anxiety.)
Autism is finding to be hugely undiagnosed, especially in girls, as for some reason we learn the art of "masking" better than the male species seems to do... I am 45 and- after getting my youngest child diagnosed- have come to realize I'm on the spectrum as well... but it's been pretty refreshing really, to be able to connect so many dots and find REASONING behind so many traits that I once just chalked up to just being extremely awkward (like being socially inept and people constantly pointing out my lack of eye contact, to name a couple;))... I can't tell you how many times in my life I heard "I always thought you were stuck up", when I really just couldn't 'connect' with people as easily as most... not that I didn't WANT to, I just found it difficult, or even draining! Lol... I'm actually marathonning all the detransitioning videos I come across, as my 2nd child just recently (out of the blue) moved across country, changed names and is planning to start "T" in March. I also believe (s)he's ASD so I'm really here just trying to make some sort of sense of it all. I gotta say that: being the parent of someone struggling with these issues is a STRUGGLE as well! And I think it's especially hard when 1) it's a sudden/rapid change and 2) you are called every name under the sun for expressing concern for your child, especially when there were ZERO signs in the 20+ years leading up to the change. Grace is huge.. and needs to be extended from every angle or position, I guess is what I'm trying to get at here... So much love, hugs and compassion going out to ALL who find themselves struggling in these times ❤🙏❤ & Thanks to the OP for telling your story! BE BLESSED ❤🙏❤
@@susanjoneskemper Thanks! I hope your kid has figured out what makes them happy. It can be hard for parents to see their kid's internal life sometimes, but I hope you two can come to terms with each other.
Your facial features are wonderful. The wig suits you. I was suicidal at one point too. I also considered the effect on others. Most of all, I stayed for my cat. Hope you are finding your place.
I also had chronic fatigue syndrome and recovered by clearing my digestive system of candida. there are many connections between autism and digestive system. take care of your tummy xxx
I like your voice. I'm somewhere on the spectrum but I don't want to physically transition, but I wish my voice were lower and yours is right where I'd like to be. ❤
@@_sofie I agree that voice training can do wonders. But I must say that while voice training by default is not easy, my problem is that keeping my voice lowered gets even more difficult (if not impossible) in occasions where I have to speak loudly or yell, my voice would immediately be at a higher pitch than usual. I have yet to find a workaround, I haven't seen anyone bringing up this issue either
This was so interesting, thank you for sharing your experience. I related to more of this than I expected so you got me thinking about some things, but it makes sense with some overlaps of family background, autism things, CFS, digestive issues, different personalities without it being DID, dissociation, sexuality, emotional stuff etc. The last one is totally different now but me a few years ago didn't really feel emotions and never consciously had so I still could relate. Even the compulsive scratching image took me back a few years which I hadn't even put into words before, so thank you for expressing it. Surprisingly to me though, the not so human thing also hit home even if android doesn't quite fit for me. I've always existed in this weird gender space of not really identifying with nonbinary trans as a label, and being pretty neutral about my birth sex. I would love to look like a man but just changing the way I dress isn't enough, and medical treatment to get there doesn't appeal personally (I also have the contrast of a sister who is trans so her experience helps me see my own as different to that). Honestly it would be fun if there was a switch I could push to choose man or woman based on the day, like switching an avatar, but I look like a woman and my body doesn't really do androgynous so whatever. It's not as overt as it used to be but I still get flashes of it occasionally, usually when I see/hear my name or get reminded of my human existence in some other way, I just didn't really give it language because I didn't realise it wasn't what other people experienced until I finally started working with therapists who were a good fit. Building healthier relationships has helped too cause I've been able to find a couple people who take all the 'weird' stuff in their stride and are good at both validating and questioning at the same time which helps my self awareness, so that's nice. All the best on your journey, I'm glad you were able to move away from your birth family and I hope you find that new family set up for yourself :)
Yep! I'm starting to wonder which one of us was truly crazy. She specialised in transgender issues, so clearly all she knows is affirmation therapy. It's left me worse off than before.
listening to your story reminded me a lot of myself and my experiences with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder not otherwise specified) or more recently known as OSDD-1a (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder) personally, the disconnection from my body/depersonalization takes the form of an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety that comes and goes depending on who's "fronting" or whoever of my inner beings is strongest. i feel as though I have barriers in my brain between several different fragmented personalities or souls but I am fully aware of everything I am doing. i am a very contradictive person and oftentimes ironic as well. maybe do some research on this? overall, I am very intrigued by your story and willing to learn more about you 🌺 I wish you the best
@Sienna Waters i used to think I have OSDD 1-b with emotional amensia an 'parts'/alters not that different, all was me but in different gender, sexuality, political ideology, dreams. I dont want to diagnose or to label my self with osdd but i have these changes on my mind since childhood . I have transition, detransition, changed legally my name 3 times. My view of thw world changes a lot, thats why i uses to think in osdd Therapists told me I was bigender or genderfluid, but I dont believe or thinks so, bc not only my 'gender identity' changes, but also other aspects of my mind. But most therapist not believe on this mental condition. I dont label myself with this, but Im sure what happen to me is bc of childhood traumas (constant), emotional incest of my parents, lack of healthy boundaries, society norms and bullying in childhood, I think i dont develop a single and atrong sense of self in childhood.
I would like to suggest that part of the difficulty you may have had could be that most people have no idea what identity is, and how then can we communicate about such an important issue? When people talk about identity they seem to talk about belonging to a tribe or a group or a category: identity is the opposite of this. If one *identifies with* something one essentially pays fealty to something external. But surely identity is *internal*. When I changed gender I was confused about how everyone else, it seemed at the time, knew that they needed to change. I did not know for sure. I had read widely and felt I knew all the arguments and had none of the answers. I don't know if I can say "like you", but I was very aware of the ideas but very unclear about the feelings: I did have feelings but could not map them to a clear meaning. So I decided I had to experiment and gave myself permission to stop or reverse if ever it seemed to feel wrong. Fortunately, for me, it didn't. I was lucky to find a community of different people changing gender who I was able to watch and observe, and I managed to avoid therapists with their loaded ideas. I now live in the opposite gender to the one my biology tried to dictate; it's not fully satisfying or successful, since, as you say for yourself, the mental image I have of who I would like to be is not possible, but for me what I have achieved is so much better than where I started. But I see it less as changing my body (though I have somewhat) as changing the attitudes of those around me, giving them the signals they need so I can feel comfortable and not feel my identity, my inner self, is being violated by their demands and expectations. But the preferred gender is not my identity, it is a tool which is necessary in a society that believes so strongly in gender: a tool which allows me to feel more nearly myself. It is this self which is my identity. Categories, nouns, adjectives, taxonomies, species, genders - these are all the map and not the territory: they are not real, but myths necessary for the rationing parts of our minds, for our linguistic selves, when it tries to conceive of the complexity of the universe. I may not be understanding you correctly, but it seems to that your perception of the world around you is subtle and does not fit with what people are saying and so you are turning to ideas not commonly used to find a space to be comfortable. Yet you say you are delusional, which I think is part of your great insight. If we agree the map is not the territory, then all ideas and concepts fail to describe reality, and yet by a slip of the mind most people end up believing in the map: I think *everyone* is delusional, but most people do not realise it. Without wishing to be contrary I'd like to suggest you are not at all transhuman but are, on the contrary, very human but aware of it with a very subtle and discriminating mind. But in that situation, surrounded by others who think differently, then perhaps relating to a concept such as transhuman may be a very eloquent myth to work with. As well as delusional, you call yourself immature, but perhaps you merely require a much more full understanding of some things than others do because you detect more shades of grey, and that will take more time. I don't know you, of course, but you strike me from your upload as being very thoughtful, intellectually creative, philosophical, tending more towards rational thought than emotion, desiring good things for other people and very altruistic in outlook as well as, perhaps being something of a sophist. These are great qualities. I would suggest looking inward at these motivations and tendencies and not outward at categories for a sense of your identity. I wish you the very best. Keep thinking and keep exploring, but I would suggest it may be safe to trust the categories and the diagnoses a bit less.
I abruptly moved out in June because I couldn't take how toxic and abusive living with my mom was. I'm living with a friend now. It was an extremely good decision
Thank you for your willingness to share your story. As a therapist, I am burdened by how many young people are falling under the spell of this dangerous Movement.
I could be physiological. Dr. Wakefield found that his autistic patients all had gastrointestinal damage as well. His research lead to conclusions about the results of vaccine reactions causing the damaged intestines. Some kids may be getting this damage from inoculation and experiencing personality changes that are not full blown autism but on the spectrum. It's not a spell. It is an agenda.
@@vikki4now Andrew Wakefield no longer holds the title of Dr as he is no longer allowed to practice medicine, due to the abuse he subjected autistic children to during the study he did that you think concluded that there was a link between autism and vaccines. It did not conclude this, it concluded that there "could" be, there were only 12 participants in the study and some of his data was entirely fictious. He was very pro-vaccine at the time of conducting that study, his motivation being to sow doubt about that specific MMR vaccine, in order to sell his own separate vaccine. He's only antivax now because it's the only way for him to make money, as his followers are antivax and no one in the medical field will ever work with him again
Doctors can only go on what is reported to them by patients. Gender dysphoria is not unique in occasionally being misdiagnosed, anything that can be diagnosed, is occasionally misdiagnosed in someone who doesn't have it. Misdiagnosis is unfortunate, and something to be dealt with on an individual basis, rather than throwing the entire baby out with the bath water and condemning the care of an entire group of people as a "dangerous movement". Trans people discussing their existence is not a dangerous movement. Trans people having access to healthcare is not a dangerous movement. A tiny percentage of people who transition, detransition, and a tiny percentage of those people genuinely aren't trans, most are trans and detransition due to social pressure.
I loved your sense of humor and candidness. Thank you for sharing this. As a woman, myself I completely understand your hesitance to want to be a woman with all of the expectations we face. Strangely, I’ve experienced the vast majority of them coming from other women (aka Moms and peers). With that said, since its our own ‘kind’ who we feel most judged by, it would seem we would collectively stop the cycle to give ourselves a break lol. As a mother I’ve also experienced the pressure of societal standards regarding my parenting, yet that self awareness, many times, doesn’t happen with mothers (due to difficult marriages/divorces, busy schedules, etc) and we end up passing on the same expectations to our daughters. I commend you for digging deep into who you truly feel you are, and aren’t and embracing that without letting anyone influence you in the end. That is most hard to do for us people pleasers. God bless, little love💜
That's really refreshing, we seem to be in a culture right now that is obsessed with projecting the ego onto whatever person or character they are viewing. I think it's much healthier to try to view the other as the other, respect people as individuals.
Great you’re sharing so candidly. You mention not experiencing emotional consequences, but you said you hated - and hate is definitely an emotion. So I wonder if there might be methods to get in touch with the emotions you clearly have but seem not to be in touch or regulate well. You present as happy (also an emotion). Great take on yourself and life. So my guess is it’s about exploring how to notice and be in touch with the emotions you appear to have.
No, you have misunderstood, I am perfectly aware of my feelings, it's not that I am not in touch with them. I do not have alexithymia. As everyone else has emotions, I have to use the same kind of English as everyone else. So I don't feel hatred, I'm just using it a a figure of speech, otherwise I would have to talk like a Vulcan and that wouldn't be very charismatic now would it?
I'm STILL trying to get on disability pension. I'm in Queensland (Brisbane). My husband should be getting Carers Payment/Allowance because he helps me do basic things like buying food, showering, washing up. It's not like I CAN'T but that I feel tortured doing those things these days.
Amazing video! Although I am different from you in some ways, I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I am biologically male (haven't transitioned yet) and have been dealing with gender dysphoria since I was 7 and got diagnosed with autism at 11. My dysphoria is a bit different than yours since it wasn't rapid onset and I've been dealing with it for many years. I am 21 now and in college. I think the android/emotionless feeling is related to autism in some way because people on the spectrum tend to be very logical and have straightforward thinking. I also think the dating difficulties are too since I have only been in one relationship my whole life and the girl broke up with me. Im glad to see you've grown as a person and that gives me hope for my life. I think you are beautiful just the way you are! I find masculine women attractive and cool.
If you're moving out of home for the first time, I recommend a sharehouse, especially with friends. Not only is it cheaper but it helps you ease into independent living and you can learn to manage a household and a budget together. My advice to anyone considering transitioning is to really explore why they can't simply live as gender non-conforming. Every cell in your body has male chromosomes, so female hormones are going to wreak havoc with your body. Transgender people often live shorter lives due to related health complications. We simply don't have good or safe methods of convincingly changing someone into the opposite sex. But changing the brain is easier to do, try to find a therapist who won't just affirm you, they're rare but they exist. I'm not against transitioning, but I think everyone needs to be properly informed of the lifelong commitment and risks. It's a huge decision.
You are so interesting and delightful. I wish I lived near you and could be your therapist. It would be fun to get to know you on that level and work with the layers and support you in your self exploration and understanding.
Some years ago I was chatting to someone in a Trans club & they said that they were male & female, then I realised many are, & that can be quite normal, although not generally understood by the general public. I now think it's like having 2 computer programmes running simultaneously in one head, one being male & one being female. As I am MtF the female programme runs in default mode, it's always there, but the male side can click in under certain circumstances, & that's not a problem. I suspect FtM is a mirror image....I have talked to hundreds of Trans people & one common factor is the ability to think in both male & female modes at the same time...
that’s not how it works. you were born male. you reify social misconceptions about gender in your head, making you think you’re “female”. being female isn’t a feeling, it’s a physiological reality.
I don’t know if you have looked into ASD in any detail but a lot of what you say is consistent with the experiences of people on the spectrum. Not feeling human, for instance. Autism is present from from birth, not caused by outside factors, and doesn’t go away. Maybe you have just learned to manage it better.
That is the commonly perpetuated narrative now, however there is growing evidence that autoimmune autism is a thing. It is admittedly mostly anecdotal at this stage, and believe me I've been searching for science on this as much as I can. Regardless of what the data says right now, I cannot deny the reality of my own experience. I was not born autistic, I am no longer autistic, I just have autism symptoms when I eat things I'm intolerant to. I should do a video covering autism specifically at some stage.
I had my hair dyed (only with one streak to imitate GoGo Tomago) and my crazy grandparents on my Mum's side said I was becoming worldly. Mind you, I'm Christian, and they are too but not my kind of Christian (they are/were really weird about it all), so they were saying all of this from a religious perspective. To be honest, I wasn't even satisfied with the haircut in the first place. They did a really crappy job. I'm not going back there. Humans sure are interesting, aren't they. Interesting specimens.
Yup. Mental health is directly influenced by gut health (the microbiome). The carnivore diet did wonders for me, it was like from night to day, but I had to modify it because of adverse reactions a few months later. Watch out for those. I find root vegetables are an acceptable source of carbohydrates for me
Ever played Detroit: Become Human? Being an android seems interesting. I love the game. I love the outfits, the LED temple thing, the communication abilities, the weird blue blood... it's all SO COOL!!! What an interesting dystopia. Ooh, and the multi-choice aspect of the game is really good for seeing the consequences of your actions. EDIT: It turns out that you do play Detroit: Become Human. I just was so excited that I commented before getting to this part of the video. Haha!
I feel like the not feeling your emotions might have something to do with being a Capricorn. I can definitely relate to that. I have had a hard time feeling my emotions much less even realizing I had them in the first place.
Same!! always wondered if im neurotypical or autistic because I am perceived by everyone as being too harsh or emotionless. Very lonely time being a capricorn woman tbh x
I went through a phase like that , it was something I'd developed when I was younger as a counter to actually feeling things so strongly / being quite sensitive. Now I'm finding a balance.
Your story is incredibly interesting. It's so cool to hear how you describe your thoughts/your brain. My feeling (I could be wrong) is that as a child you maybe experienced some kind of trauma (whether it be emotional, physical or due to your illness) and that led to the unspecified DID - you see yourself as an android who doesn't really "feel", but your underlying humanity shows from time to time (when you're laughing, when you're making a sassy comment, your creativity etc). Please don't get me wrong, I just try to make my mind up about how this could happen in your brain. I wish you all the best, your video was absolutely fascinating to me and I hope you are in a place you feel right.
I agree with not liking the "non-binary/androgynous box" because it just reinforces the gender stereotypes imposed on sexes. What you said about just letting people do what they want without it changing their being a man or a woman is precisely something I love about radical feminism: it's about removing these artifices and constraints
I agree. I always hated any restrictions put on me because I was female…so much so I thought about transitioning when I was in high school to get away from the objectification and expectations. I was obsessed with gender and androgyny in high school through college…this was long before it was a popular trend. We should be celebrating diversity within males and females rather than saying one way of behaving is only for one sex. I’ve evolved a lot over time too.
❤️you're dope thanks for this video. My strong impression is that you don’t feel emotions because you’re used to shielding yourself from really feeling and expressing your emotions. That’s sounds very much like a defense mechanism to protect yourself. I have a very critical opinionated mother too and for a lot of people that makes you bottle up because you become used to your mother not being that receptive when you do express yourself (in a way that doesn't support their opinion) Not a therapist just my impression based on watching 1/3 of the video
Nah, I ain't repressing anything, I'm just very emotionally resilient and nothing bothers me, but when I live in a world where everyone else is in constant emotional discomfort or pain, I'm the weirdo. Thanks for watching.
Our identity is not tied to our gender. If you want to be someone who likes and identifies more with masculine energy, then be a girl who likes guy stuff. And vice versa. We ahould embrace who we are wholly and learn to love ourselves unconditionally.
Thanks. The Major is actually a cyborg, but I've been thinking about her a lot lately, I relate to her now more than ever. I even dyed my hair purple because of her recently.
Good luck in the future and I look forward to seeing your film reviews. I have a lot to say, but no way to say it so here's a fave quote of mine from William Blake: I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. 'Oceans of Love' from a slightly dissociative vampyre :)
I came across the Abigail Shrier book a few weeks ago and considered reading it. I usually post the books Im reading on my Instagram but I was like I wouldn't be able to post this book, people will get so mad 😩
Oh yeah, I've angered plenty of people by mentioning that book, there's absolutely nothing offensive or untrue in there, critics are twisting it the wrong way. They just don't want to acknowledge detransitioners exist.
Hey Pearl and Courtney, I’m really happy to have found this corner of UA-cam! I work at a really fancy inpatient treatment center in So Cal and over the past 4 years we’ve seen a huge influx of teens coming in with gender dysphoria and I would say, unsurprisingly, most end up being diagnosed with autism. I’ve done some reading on the link between the two and it seems that autistic women tend to have more testosterone than the average woman. Anyway my reason for replying to this particular post is because I see the complete unwillingness to take a closer look at transgenderism at work and it’s both sad and dangerous. I’m grateful to Abagail Shrier for writing that book and for you making this video! I also listen to a lot of Scott Newgent. He’s an FtM transgender man who speaks loudly against the “Wild Wild West” that this issue has become. I just really wish that I could share this video with some of my clients, give them a better perspective on the topic at large!
I hope my videos can help some of your patients, I really wish someone sat me down and gave me this perspective. Sure I was hyperfixated on transitioning at the time, but I was also lacking any kind of opposing perspective. I didn't have abnormally high testosterone prior to transitioning, it was within the normal range, and yet I didn't go through female puberty properly the first time either. No idea what that's about.
@@CourtneyCoulson just asking for following all you have live. I watched all your videos last night. I do live very similar situation, thank you for sharing.
You should meet my husband. He loves health and working out at the gym. He also goes really meta with his thinking. Existential crises is basically his identity. But he loves it! I do to.
P.S severe depression will cause chronic fatigue and depersonalization. I’m glad you’re doing good but I wonder how you would feel taking SSRIs? (Zoloft, etc.)
I don't have depression, but if I did, I would cure it the way I cured all my other problems, by addressing the underlying metabolic problems. I think the pharmaceutical industry is evil and SSRIs cause more problems than they solve, including obesity and permanent sexual dysfunction.
@@CourtneyCoulson I’m glad you found solutions to your health problems, that is always the best way to solve them, with lifestyle changes. Glad you’re doing well and have no need for them!
A Tom girl is a girl that just likes doing things outside, playing traditional boy sports, not wearing dresses much, liking to shoot guns and such. That was always me. On the other hand I love makeup, dressing up, love being a female and love my husband. I’m 100% female but I just don’t mind getting dirty and doing traditionally guy things like building things. You can be a lesbian without changing into a man.
I agree too many labels no wonder young people are so Confused . Go back to simple labels girl boys lesbian and homosexual. At least people are not so confused. No offense intended
Can we talk? I'm an engineer in a neuroscience lab, and a trans woman. I'm a huge cyberpunk nerd and grew up with all of it. I'm also diagnosed autistic from the age of 5, but am regularly told now that I don't look or read like it. So much of what you've said here is super relatable, and I think we'd both learn something from a conversation. Happy to put it up for public consumption too, so we can further the discourse here. I am not an active youtuber, but am familiar with the scene here. I can provide my creds/identity offline.
it's sad to hear that when faced you a person with genuine deep psychological problems that therapist are completely out of their depths. On another note all these billion of bipeds with these emotions that you have to mind not hurting. You are one interesting person . . . Android
OMG identifying so hard with 8:51 "....and that's very much how I think about everything: I don't really have emotions. the best way to describe it is that I can't suffer emotionally, I don't know what emotional pain feels like, never have, probably never will. Doesn't mean you can't have mental issues, so you - I can suffer mentally, I can't suffer emotionally...." and 9:35 ".... So it's kind of like that, where something's going wrong with me - mentally, but I'm not getting any of those warning signs - emotionally I just feel - okay, all the time."
and the description of the accident and the triple-zero call, bingo, spot on me.... down to complimenting the person on the other end of the convo; that's my idea/understanding of relationship.
@@CourtneyCoulson In a psychological way, or was it more physical? Like, do you think the CFS directly affected your brain in the way that gut imbalances can affect your neurological state?
Could be both, it's hard to draw the line between neurology and biology. But put anyone in solitary confinement, be it a healthy person in a concrete prison, or a sick person in a prison of their own body and they will go insane.
I love your wig!!! I was and still am a tomboy however once I hit maybe 18ish I started liking to wear more feminine clothes sometimes. Not all the time, in fact I’m sitting here writing this in my comfty more masculine clothes.
Sometimes I feel so emotionless, like an android like you said, yet at times, I get too emotional and start crying and can't stop, the slightest little thing will set me off to crying. I do not understand it. I can hear of something true that has happened that is tragic and sad and it won't phase me yet ball my eyes out over something that happened in a movie.
Hey! I just want to (not angrily!!) correct you on what it means to be non binary :) Non Binary people are not always androgenous - gender expression and gender identity don't have to align in the traditional sense (men CAN wear heals and be men). Being non binary is about having a gender that is not fully man or woman - or that is neither. Non binary identity does not reinforce gender norms. Being non binary just means that you're not a man or a women (or not fully one). Anyone can dress however they like - identity is a different matter 💗
It’s not about gender identity. Trust me, I had a time were thought I was genderfluid. But I found out that I can choose as what I identify as, it’s just a choice. It’s more about THE DYSPHORIA that you feel. As a trans man I can feel like a girl but that doesn’t change anything at all, I still feel the strong dysphoria. The strong physical discomfort that I feel when I run or jump or try to lay in a position in which I don’t feel dysphoric. I mean, do what you want, be an elefant or be an Uno card but don’t assosiete this gender identity non binary nonsense with transgenders and dysphoria.
I’m so glad you realized you are a simply different type of woman, not a man. I understand the android feeling as a person with anxiety. It’s a great analogy. All the best to you ❤
I grew up with a psychiatrist stepfather, surgical tech mum, & straight feminine sister who was also goth yet is a surgeon & just got a job at Soace X. I grew up identifying as male, born female, yet went by either Mike or Tom. My parents tried to lean into the questions in the mid 90s (born 1993) yet I'd run away going, "pervert!" They left it alone & allowed me to just... be. I was treated well by my peers, teased by some, yet there was no politicizing of the issue in said 2001, let's just name a year. Knowing how easily suade I once was, I would've yes, disowned family & leaned into the trans issue despite already knowing one day I could change into a boy. TV taught me so. However in 2018, around 25 when my brain fully formed it disappeared for the most part? Found it interesting in the theory of waiting until the brain forms many channels speak on now. Turns out too, if I had leaned into testosterone, I would've died unaware I had a severe predisposition I am already at 29 being treated for already. Prayers to you. Sorry I am half asleep but to anyone reading, please don't be suggestive to already vulnerable people xo
If you are a woman and you make a certain motion, that by definition *is* feminine. Drives me crazy that ppl try to *define* make our female mannerisms, and other superficial aspects.
I still have a beard, some detrans women never lose them, some cisgender women grow beards due to PCOS and other conditions. There's plenty of options to manage facial hair. I use an epilator or just pluck the hairs out. If the beard doesn't go away I will look into permanent hair removal.
I don’t know how your video showed up in my suggestions, but I watched it all. I have so many questions. I would love to sit and talk with you! This was both enlightening and entertaining (for lack of a better term). Genetics has fascinated me for many years. I hope you will continue to make videos of your journey to happiness whatever that looks like to you.
Hey there... found you through Rivalmavericks channel.. I'm sorry your life was/is full of problems that seem to compound in all areas!! I know we dont know each other... but I'm glad that you dont think that you are a burden to the world!! I'm about 10 min into your video.. and have a few things to say and ask....but I'll be quiet and watch the rest of your video. Thank you for your courage!!!! You are awesome!!!
Have you seen blade runner? I mean you've probably seen it but if you haven't you have to watch it! It's super good! Also I'm talking about the original 1987 one.
Of course I have, many times! I plan on doing a podcast about Blade Runner 2049 eventually, but for now, you can find Prometheus-by-Minute on most podcast platforms.
Doctors are always in awe of my Stoicism. So I recently looked it up. I think you are a natural Stoic. It's actually considered a religious (or not) way of life. 😊
@@CourtneyCoulsonit has different meanings for different people. For example it could be about having a preferred body plan that is neither exclusively male or female. It can also serve as an intellectual framework for someone to explore their gender identity. I for example identify as NB because I have bodily gender dysphoria but it's not consistent. I'd say that 80% of the time I feel completely comfortable in my male body but then my brain just switches and suddenly I feel awful for not having an hour glass shape, being hairy and not having a vagina. It's weird, like a female version of me just takes over.
I think I'm autistic. I wish there was a way to find out. I used to dress like a boy for a year or two. I identified as a lesbian for 5 years, but ultimately I realized I was bi. I look very feminine big lips, boobs, hips. I like sundresses with boots and I like earrings, makeup. I'm loud and awkward for how "feminine" I am. Oh well. Thank you for sharing. It's really helpful when others share their stories.❤🧡💛💚💙💜
People often say they didn’t feel like a woman or they didn’t feel like a man, when in reality, no one knows what anyone other than themselves feels like. If your a girl and don’t like feminine things be masculine or be androgynous. Do whatever makes you happy, just don’t rush out and make unhealthy and irreversible changes to your body.
and if there is something in their mind that messes with the "who am I" it complicates it
Beautiful said Benjamin
Your voice is 100% masculin !
@@fatoumata7624 this is what testosterone does to vocal chords.
@@Gingerblaze I know.
What does someone here mean when they say they have masc and fem inside? Cannot one simply have a female body and an expansive and creative character that doesn’t want to be confined to society’s stereotypes?
you could also be genderqueer or gender-nonconforming....or, if you don't relate to anything, not even a spectrum, you could be agender. None of that means that some don't have a strong sense of feeling both masculine and feminine in their core. Definitions exist and only matter when trying to figure things out for yourself or wanting (not having) to explain yourself.
@@frankandreaswenzel yeah, but thats basically everybody, nobody can be 100% the stereotypes of men or woman, everybody is a mix of all those things
I think you can deffinitely be a women who doesn't conform to stereotypical gender roles, but it also could be the other way around- maybe you feel male and because of this you try to conform to male stereotypical gender norms.
@@estefaniaboujon6830 Hard agree. Overlabelling leads to problems embracing the whole or nothing at all, imo. You have less chance of putting yourself in the wrong box if you don't fucking touch the boxes to begin with and just... live.
@@estefaniaboujon6830 finally someone has said it. This is what I tried saying to someone and was shot down and told I don't understand
Sounds like your mother’s expectations were suffocating, and you had to get away from them. Not that that’s the only thing going on but your whole story was quite interesting.
Yes, the space has definitely done both of us a lot of good, I think.
“I stayed up late - writing fan fiction -“
31:14 I honestly didn't expect to relate to this, but at this time stamp, I did. As a teen, an Indian (from India) doctor convinced my mom my asthma was all in my head. I literally spent my entire 15th year sleeping upright so I wouldn't suffocate lying down. My mom literally believed this until a couple years ago, down to outright blaming me for "doing" asthma attacks on purpose to make her life harder, until a brief boyfriend of hers told her "No, seriously, look, if she's got asthma and doesn't get medication, she could die" and he gave me the last of his current inhaler. Prior to the day she handed me that inhaler, I had been awake 5 or 8 days (no idea how long, in truth, because the days fly by after 2 awake) because I could not lay down and there was no way to sleep sitting up at that apartment. Thank goodness for coffee, because that was how I survived staying awake the whole time.
Parents, if you do this crap to your children, you are the worst of the worst, right up there with the molesters. By saying your children fake serious debilitating conditions just to make your life harder is hardcore mental abuse.
I think narcissist parents see any problem with their child as a reflection on themselves, but in reality, illnesses just happen, pretending they're not happening only makes things worse for everyone involved.
@homesteadgamer1257, your mother sounds like the opposite of Eddie Kaspbrak's mother from Stephen King's IT
I am so blown away by you story, your intelligence, your self actualization and your insight. This is such a unique story and I hope you will continue to share your journey cuase you are an incredible storyteller. I also send you all my best wishes for continued understanding and growth of your world and how you fit into it. Truly incredible!
Aw thanks!
I don’t want to be a human either. Many of us Autists relate better to animals. They love unconditionally and are so accepting. My mom was just like you too. Narc mothers help to further harm Autistic daughters.
That's the thing, I have no problem with being human, I am extroverted, I like people, very social. Where as Otherkin are socially awkward and anxious and have trouble connecting to others. So I don't quite fit into that group either. But I will do a video focusing on otherkin.
I don t blame, my love... Humans can be quite scary and strange at times... I send you a big hug... 🤗💐
I label myself as otherkin leaning. I don't desire to have a human body (why would anyone?), but while I acknowledge that I have a human biology I struggle to see or feel myself as human internally in the way other people seem to be human.
@@someonesomeone25 I mean, I just don't know what legal or societal options you would have. How do you renounce humanity? What do you do if you have no legal rights or adult obligations? I wish i could offer something more than questions but if you aren't human what are you?
@@madamvaudelune3298 Legal options, none. Which doesn't matter. I obey only laws I want to anyway. Socially? I just tell people if it arises in conversation, and their reaction doesn't matter.
As someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) it is so intriguing to me you arent able to feel emotions. As being extremely highly emotional is the only thing ive ever known!
When you talked about wanting to serve people, and getting genuine satisfaction out of it, I kind of resonate with it on some deep level. Especially when you said about serving a family of some kind. My favorite line was "I'm a servant, not a slave"
I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 25 minutes deep and wow does it feel good hearing about someone elses problematic family. My family is similar especially with the mother aspect. Our mothers would probably get along, that is if mine got along with anyone. I'm from a small town with very unproblematic lives. Thank you for making me feel less alone, even if its in the most unconventional way!
Hey Courtney,
I hope you're doing okay, I know you don't know me, but I'm proud of you for making it to where you are today.
Thanks, fam
Back in the day when I was first in the hospital for depression, they thought I could have autism, but I passed their tests. I've been medically transitioning for the past 2.5 years and I'm very happy with the results, but sometimes I worry that my semi-autistic characteristics have somehow tricked me into being trans. (I also have a LOT of anxiety.)
Autism is finding to be hugely undiagnosed, especially in girls, as for some reason we learn the art of "masking" better than the male species seems to do... I am 45 and- after getting my youngest child diagnosed- have come to realize I'm on the spectrum as well... but it's been pretty refreshing really, to be able to connect so many dots and find REASONING behind so many traits that I once just chalked up to just being extremely awkward (like being socially inept and people constantly pointing out my lack of eye contact, to name a couple;))... I can't tell you how many times in my life I heard "I always thought you were stuck up", when I really just couldn't 'connect' with people as easily as most... not that I didn't WANT to, I just found it difficult, or even draining! Lol...
I'm actually marathonning all the detransitioning videos I come across, as my 2nd child just recently (out of the blue) moved across country, changed names and is planning to start "T" in March. I also believe (s)he's ASD so I'm really here just trying to make some sort of sense of it all.
I gotta say that: being the parent of someone struggling with these issues is a STRUGGLE as well! And I think it's especially hard when 1) it's a sudden/rapid change and 2) you are called every name under the sun for expressing concern for your child, especially when there were ZERO signs in the 20+ years leading up to the change.
Grace is huge.. and needs to be extended from every angle or position, I guess is what I'm trying to get at here...
So much love, hugs and compassion going out to ALL who find themselves struggling in these times ❤🙏❤
& Thanks to the OP for telling your story! BE BLESSED ❤🙏❤
@@susanjoneskemper Thanks! I hope your kid has figured out what makes them happy. It can be hard for parents to see their kid's internal life sometimes, but I hope you two can come to terms with each other.
@@susanjoneskemper it sounds like your kiddos are lucky to have you !!
Your facial features are wonderful. The wig suits you. I was suicidal at one point too. I also considered the effect on others. Most of all, I stayed for my cat. Hope you are finding your place.
cats save lives
I also had chronic fatigue syndrome and recovered by clearing my digestive system of candida. there are many connections between autism and digestive system. take care of your tummy xxx
How did you do that?
@@CourtneyCoulson Check out Mark Hymen's podcasts on UA-cam, he has a well of videos to help.
@Keebs i think they found though, recently, that autistic behaviors can appear with digestive disorders
I like your voice. I'm somewhere on the spectrum but I don't want to physically transition, but I wish my voice were lower and yours is right where I'd like to be. ❤
Thanks. And yeah maybe T can actually benefit in that respect. The change is pretty permanent.
You’d be surprised how low you can get with voice training
I get voice dysphoria the only thing really stopping from hormonal transition is the bottom growth ugh
I didn't experience any changes down there, not sure how common that is. Granted, I was on a low dose.
@@_sofie I agree that voice training can do wonders. But I must say that while voice training by default is not easy, my problem is that keeping my voice lowered gets even more difficult (if not impossible) in occasions where I have to speak loudly or yell, my voice would immediately be at a higher pitch than usual. I have yet to find a workaround, I haven't seen anyone bringing up this issue either
This was so interesting, thank you for sharing your experience.
I related to more of this than I expected so you got me thinking about some things, but it makes sense with some overlaps of family background, autism things, CFS, digestive issues, different personalities without it being DID, dissociation, sexuality, emotional stuff etc. The last one is totally different now but me a few years ago didn't really feel emotions and never consciously had so I still could relate. Even the compulsive scratching image took me back a few years which I hadn't even put into words before, so thank you for expressing it.
Surprisingly to me though, the not so human thing also hit home even if android doesn't quite fit for me. I've always existed in this weird gender space of not really identifying with nonbinary trans as a label, and being pretty neutral about my birth sex. I would love to look like a man but just changing the way I dress isn't enough, and medical treatment to get there doesn't appeal personally (I also have the contrast of a sister who is trans so her experience helps me see my own as different to that). Honestly it would be fun if there was a switch I could push to choose man or woman based on the day, like switching an avatar, but I look like a woman and my body doesn't really do androgynous so whatever. It's not as overt as it used to be but I still get flashes of it occasionally, usually when I see/hear my name or get reminded of my human existence in some other way, I just didn't really give it language because I didn't realise it wasn't what other people experienced until I finally started working with therapists who were a good fit. Building healthier relationships has helped too cause I've been able to find a couple people who take all the 'weird' stuff in their stride and are good at both validating and questioning at the same time which helps my self awareness, so that's nice.
All the best on your journey, I'm glad you were able to move away from your birth family and I hope you find that new family set up for yourself :)
Always glad to find others who relate, that's why I make these videos.
Being so analytical of how the body works definitely makes things super weird.
1:03:26 Wait, you went to a therapist saying you think you are a robot and she wanted to "affirm" that? WTF?
Yep! I'm starting to wonder which one of us was truly crazy. She specialised in transgender issues, so clearly all she knows is affirmation therapy. It's left me worse off than before.
@@CourtneyCoulson I'm curious, worse in what way, can you give a concrete example?
Very dangerous path we're headed down
@Rygir Dissociating, thinking I was a robot, developing a split personality.
listening to your story reminded me a lot of myself and my experiences with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder not otherwise specified) or more recently known as OSDD-1a (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder) personally, the disconnection from my body/depersonalization takes the form of an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety that comes and goes depending on who's "fronting" or whoever of my inner beings is strongest. i feel as though I have barriers in my brain between several different fragmented personalities or souls but I am fully aware of everything I am doing. i am a very contradictive person and oftentimes ironic as well. maybe do some research on this? overall, I am very intrigued by your story and willing to learn more about you 🌺 I wish you the best
That is very much like what I experience, I don't have completely split personalities, but I feel like someone else.
I relate.
@Sienna Waters i used to think I have OSDD 1-b with emotional amensia an 'parts'/alters not that different, all was me but in different gender, sexuality, political ideology, dreams.
I dont want to diagnose or to label my self with osdd but i have these changes on my mind since childhood .
I have transition, detransition, changed legally my name 3 times. My view of thw world changes a lot, thats why i uses to think in osdd
Therapists told me I was bigender or genderfluid, but I dont believe or thinks so, bc not only my 'gender identity' changes, but also other aspects of my mind. But most therapist not believe on this mental condition.
I dont label myself with this, but Im sure what happen to me is bc of childhood traumas (constant), emotional incest of my parents, lack of healthy boundaries, society norms and bullying in childhood, I think i dont develop a single and atrong sense of self in childhood.
I would like to suggest that part of the difficulty you may have had could be that most people have no idea what identity is, and how then can we communicate about such an important issue? When people talk about identity they seem to talk about belonging to a tribe or a group or a category: identity is the opposite of this. If one *identifies with* something one essentially pays fealty to something external. But surely identity is *internal*.
When I changed gender I was confused about how everyone else, it seemed at the time, knew that they needed to change. I did not know for sure. I had read widely and felt I knew all the arguments and had none of the answers. I don't know if I can say "like you", but I was very aware of the ideas but very unclear about the feelings: I did have feelings but could not map them to a clear meaning. So I decided I had to experiment and gave myself permission to stop or reverse if ever it seemed to feel wrong. Fortunately, for me, it didn't. I was lucky to find a community of different people changing gender who I was able to watch and observe, and I managed to avoid therapists with their loaded ideas. I now live in the opposite gender to the one my biology tried to dictate; it's not fully satisfying or successful, since, as you say for yourself, the mental image I have of who I would like to be is not possible, but for me what I have achieved is so much better than where I started. But I see it less as changing my body (though I have somewhat) as changing the attitudes of those around me, giving them the signals they need so I can feel comfortable and not feel my identity, my inner self, is being violated by their demands and expectations. But the preferred gender is not my identity, it is a tool which is necessary in a society that believes so strongly in gender: a tool which allows me to feel more nearly myself. It is this self which is my identity.
Categories, nouns, adjectives, taxonomies, species, genders - these are all the map and not the territory: they are not real, but myths necessary for the rationing parts of our minds, for our linguistic selves, when it tries to conceive of the complexity of the universe.
I may not be understanding you correctly, but it seems to that your perception of the world around you is subtle and does not fit with what people are saying and so you are turning to ideas not commonly used to find a space to be comfortable. Yet you say you are delusional, which I think is part of your great insight. If we agree the map is not the territory, then all ideas and concepts fail to describe reality, and yet by a slip of the mind most people end up believing in the map: I think *everyone* is delusional, but most people do not realise it. Without wishing to be contrary I'd like to suggest you are not at all transhuman but are, on the contrary, very human but aware of it with a very subtle and discriminating mind. But in that situation, surrounded by others who think differently, then perhaps relating to a concept such as transhuman may be a very eloquent myth to work with.
As well as delusional, you call yourself immature, but perhaps you merely require a much more full understanding of some things than others do because you detect more shades of grey, and that will take more time.
I don't know you, of course, but you strike me from your upload as being very thoughtful, intellectually creative, philosophical, tending more towards rational thought than emotion, desiring good things for other people and very altruistic in outlook as well as, perhaps being something of a sophist. These are great qualities. I would suggest looking inward at these motivations and tendencies and not outward at categories for a sense of your identity.
I wish you the very best. Keep thinking and keep exploring, but I would suggest it may be safe to trust the categories and the diagnoses a bit less.
I abruptly moved out in June because I couldn't take how toxic and abusive living with my mom was. I'm living with a friend now. It was an extremely good decision
Thank you for your willingness to share your story. As a therapist, I am burdened by how many young people are falling under the spell of this dangerous Movement.
I could be physiological. Dr. Wakefield found that his autistic patients all had gastrointestinal damage as well. His research lead to conclusions about the results of vaccine reactions causing the damaged intestines. Some kids may be getting this damage from inoculation and experiencing personality changes that are not full blown autism but on the spectrum. It's not a spell. It is an agenda.
@@vikki4now I couldn't agree more.
@@vikki4now Andrew Wakefield no longer holds the title of Dr as he is no longer allowed to practice medicine, due to the abuse he subjected autistic children to during the study he did that you think concluded that there was a link between autism and vaccines. It did not conclude this, it concluded that there "could" be, there were only 12 participants in the study and some of his data was entirely fictious. He was very pro-vaccine at the time of conducting that study, his motivation being to sow doubt about that specific MMR vaccine, in order to sell his own separate vaccine. He's only antivax now because it's the only way for him to make money, as his followers are antivax and no one in the medical field will ever work with him again
Doctors can only go on what is reported to them by patients. Gender dysphoria is not unique in occasionally being misdiagnosed, anything that can be diagnosed, is occasionally misdiagnosed in someone who doesn't have it. Misdiagnosis is unfortunate, and something to be dealt with on an individual basis, rather than throwing the entire baby out with the bath water and condemning the care of an entire group of people as a "dangerous movement".
Trans people discussing their existence is not a dangerous movement. Trans people having access to healthcare is not a dangerous movement. A tiny percentage of people who transition, detransition, and a tiny percentage of those people genuinely aren't trans, most are trans and detransition due to social pressure.
Wow! These complexities are so well articulated! Amazing, amazing, ah-amazing! 🙂👍 Kudos!
Please write that memoir! xo
Love and respect to you on this journey ❤️
I loved your sense of humor and candidness. Thank you for sharing this. As a woman, myself I completely understand your hesitance to want to be a woman with all of the expectations we face. Strangely, I’ve experienced the vast majority of them coming from other women (aka Moms and peers). With that said, since its our own ‘kind’ who we feel most judged by, it would seem we would collectively stop the cycle to give ourselves a break lol. As a mother I’ve also experienced the pressure of societal standards regarding my parenting, yet that self awareness, many times, doesn’t happen with mothers (due to difficult marriages/divorces, busy schedules, etc) and we end up passing on the same expectations to our daughters. I commend you for digging deep into who you truly feel you are, and aren’t and embracing that without letting anyone influence you in the end. That is most hard to do for us people pleasers. God bless, little love💜
Thank you for sharing your story I hope you do write a memoir!
You fascinate me.. your self awareness and genuineness is so amazing. I don’t relate to you whatsoever but find your personality just incredible
That's really refreshing, we seem to be in a culture right now that is obsessed with projecting the ego onto whatever person or character they are viewing. I think it's much healthier to try to view the other as the other, respect people as individuals.
you're amazing for speaking like this. thank you!
Great you’re sharing so candidly. You mention not experiencing emotional consequences, but you said you hated - and hate is definitely an emotion. So I wonder if there might be methods to get in touch with the emotions you clearly have but seem not to be in touch or regulate well. You present as happy (also an emotion). Great take on yourself and life. So my guess is it’s about exploring how to notice and be in touch with the emotions you appear to have.
No, you have misunderstood, I am perfectly aware of my feelings, it's not that I am not in touch with them. I do not have alexithymia. As everyone else has emotions, I have to use the same kind of English as everyone else. So I don't feel hatred, I'm just using it a a figure of speech, otherwise I would have to talk like a Vulcan and that wouldn't be very charismatic now would it?
I'm STILL trying to get on disability pension. I'm in Queensland (Brisbane). My husband should be getting Carers Payment/Allowance because he helps me do basic things like buying food, showering, washing up. It's not like I CAN'T but that I feel tortured doing those things these days.
Best of luck, I know how hard it is to get the pension.
@@CourtneyCoulson thanks :D
Your so well spoken you had me intrigued the entire story
Amazing video! Although I am different from you in some ways, I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I am biologically male (haven't transitioned yet) and have been dealing with gender dysphoria since I was 7 and got diagnosed with autism at 11. My dysphoria is a bit different than yours since it wasn't rapid onset and I've been dealing with it for many years. I am 21 now and in college. I think the android/emotionless feeling is related to autism in some way because people on the spectrum tend to be very logical and have straightforward thinking. I also think the dating difficulties are too since I have only been in one relationship my whole life and the girl broke up with me. Im glad to see you've grown as a person and that gives me hope for my life. I think you are beautiful just the way you are! I find masculine women attractive and cool.
Do you have any advice for me by the way?
Well that depends on what you'd like advice on.
@@CourtneyCoulson moving out of home, transitioning/coping with dysphoria, and living as an autistic adult in general.
If you're moving out of home for the first time, I recommend a sharehouse, especially with friends. Not only is it cheaper but it helps you ease into independent living and you can learn to manage a household and a budget together. My advice to anyone considering transitioning is to really explore why they can't simply live as gender non-conforming. Every cell in your body has male chromosomes, so female hormones are going to wreak havoc with your body. Transgender people often live shorter lives due to related health complications. We simply don't have good or safe methods of convincingly changing someone into the opposite sex. But changing the brain is easier to do, try to find a therapist who won't just affirm you, they're rare but they exist. I'm not against transitioning, but I think everyone needs to be properly informed of the lifelong commitment and risks. It's a huge decision.
@@CourtneyCoulson thanks so much for this advice, I really appreciate it.
You are so interesting and delightful. I wish I lived near you and could be your therapist. It would be fun to get to know you on that level and work with the layers and support you in your self exploration and understanding.
I have yet to find a therapist who has been useful, so I'd be down with that!
Some years ago I was chatting to someone in a Trans club & they said that they were male & female, then I realised many are, & that can be quite normal, although not generally understood by the general public. I now think it's like having 2 computer programmes running simultaneously in one head, one being male & one being female. As I am MtF the female programme runs in default mode, it's always there, but the male side can click in under certain circumstances, & that's not a problem. I suspect FtM is a mirror image....I have talked to hundreds of Trans people & one common factor is the ability to think in both male & female modes at the same time...
that’s not how it works. you were born male. you reify social misconceptions about gender in your head, making you think you’re “female”. being female isn’t a feeling, it’s a physiological reality.
I don’t know if you have looked into ASD in any detail but a lot of what you say is consistent with the experiences of people on the spectrum. Not feeling human, for instance. Autism is present from from birth, not caused by outside factors, and doesn’t go away. Maybe you have just learned to manage it better.
That is the commonly perpetuated narrative now, however there is growing evidence that autoimmune autism is a thing. It is admittedly mostly anecdotal at this stage, and believe me I've been searching for science on this as much as I can. Regardless of what the data says right now, I cannot deny the reality of my own experience. I was not born autistic, I am no longer autistic, I just have autism symptoms when I eat things I'm intolerant to. I should do a video covering autism specifically at some stage.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I had my hair dyed (only with one streak to imitate GoGo Tomago) and my crazy grandparents on my Mum's side said I was becoming worldly. Mind you, I'm Christian, and they are too but not my kind of Christian (they are/were really weird about it all), so they were saying all of this from a religious perspective. To be honest, I wasn't even satisfied with the haircut in the first place. They did a really crappy job. I'm not going back there.
Humans sure are interesting, aren't they. Interesting specimens.
fantastic video, I am so happy for you. xxx
You're beautiful, and a fascinating story teller.
Yup. Mental health is directly influenced by gut health (the microbiome). The carnivore diet did wonders for me, it was like from night to day, but I had to modify it because of adverse reactions a few months later. Watch out for those. I find root vegetables are an acceptable source of carbohydrates for me
Adverse reactions? What happened for you? I've been carnivore for two years now, so far so good.
Ever played Detroit: Become Human?
Being an android seems interesting. I love the game. I love the outfits, the LED temple thing, the communication abilities, the weird blue blood... it's all SO COOL!!! What an interesting dystopia. Ooh, and the multi-choice aspect of the game is really good for seeing the consequences of your actions.
EDIT: It turns out that you do play Detroit: Become Human. I just was so excited that I commented before getting to this part of the video. Haha!
You have an amazing story and are very generous to share it. You are also very skillful at storytelling.
I feel like the not feeling your emotions might have something to do with being a Capricorn. I can definitely relate to that. I have had a hard time feeling my emotions much less even realizing I had them in the first place.
I’m a Capricorn too and I can totally relate. I can be very emotionless.
Same!! always wondered if im neurotypical or autistic because I am perceived by everyone as being too harsh or emotionless. Very lonely time being a capricorn woman tbh x
I went through a phase like that , it was something I'd developed when I was younger as a counter to actually feeling things so strongly / being quite sensitive. Now I'm finding a balance.
Your story is incredibly interesting. It's so cool to hear how you describe your thoughts/your brain. My feeling (I could be wrong) is that as a child you maybe experienced some kind of trauma (whether it be emotional, physical or due to your illness) and that led to the unspecified DID - you see yourself as an android who doesn't really "feel", but your underlying humanity shows from time to time (when you're laughing, when you're making a sassy comment, your creativity etc). Please don't get me wrong, I just try to make my mind up about how this could happen in your brain. I wish you all the best, your video was absolutely fascinating to me and I hope you are in a place you feel right.
I agree with not liking the "non-binary/androgynous box" because it just reinforces the gender stereotypes imposed on sexes. What you said about just letting people do what they want without it changing their being a man or a woman is precisely something I love about radical feminism: it's about removing these artifices and constraints
I agree. I always hated any restrictions put on me because I was female…so much so I thought about transitioning when I was in high school to get away from the objectification and expectations. I was obsessed with gender and androgyny in high school through college…this was long before it was a popular trend. We should be celebrating diversity within males and females rather than saying one way of behaving is only for one sex. I’ve evolved a lot over time too.
This is authentic
❤️you're dope thanks for this video. My strong impression is that you don’t feel emotions because you’re used to shielding yourself from really feeling and expressing your emotions. That’s sounds very much like a defense mechanism to protect yourself. I have a very critical opinionated mother too and for a lot of people that makes you bottle up because you become used to your mother not being that receptive when you do express yourself (in a way that doesn't support their opinion) Not a therapist just my impression based on watching 1/3 of the video
Nah, I ain't repressing anything, I'm just very emotionally resilient and nothing bothers me, but when I live in a world where everyone else is in constant emotional discomfort or pain, I'm the weirdo. Thanks for watching.
We all best serve others by just being ourselves. Try to set boundaries that let you be you.
Our identity is not tied to our gender. If you want to be someone who likes and identifies more with masculine energy, then be a girl who likes guy stuff. And vice versa. We ahould embrace who we are wholly and learn to love ourselves unconditionally.
you have a really interesting story i loved hearing it
Hello fellow robot man!
All the very best to you, bright eyes.
Also I’m surprised you never mentioned the android from Ghost in the Shell. A female that is assertive and a leader. Just like you.
Thanks. The Major is actually a cyborg, but I've been thinking about her a lot lately, I relate to her now more than ever. I even dyed my hair purple because of her recently.
Good luck in the future and I look forward to seeing your film reviews. I have a lot to say, but no way to say it so here's a fave quote of mine from William Blake: I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create.
'Oceans of Love' from a slightly dissociative vampyre :)
I love that quote
I came across the Abigail Shrier book a few weeks ago and considered reading it. I usually post the books Im reading on my Instagram but I was like I wouldn't be able to post this book, people will get so mad 😩
Oh yeah, I've angered plenty of people by mentioning that book, there's absolutely nothing offensive or untrue in there, critics are twisting it the wrong way. They just don't want to acknowledge detransitioners exist.
Hey Pearl and Courtney, I’m really happy to have found this corner of UA-cam! I work at a really fancy inpatient treatment center in So Cal and over the past 4 years we’ve seen a huge influx of teens coming in with gender dysphoria and I would say, unsurprisingly, most end up being diagnosed with autism.
I’ve done some reading on the link between the two and it seems that autistic women tend to have more testosterone than the average woman.
Anyway my reason for replying to this particular post is because I see the complete unwillingness to take a closer look at transgenderism at work and it’s both sad and dangerous. I’m grateful to Abagail Shrier for writing that book and for you making this video! I also listen to a lot of Scott Newgent. He’s an FtM transgender man who speaks loudly against the “Wild Wild West” that this issue has become.
I just really wish that I could share this video with some of my clients, give them a better perspective on the topic at large!
I hope my videos can help some of your patients, I really wish someone sat me down and gave me this perspective. Sure I was hyperfixated on transitioning at the time, but I was also lacking any kind of opposing perspective.
I didn't have abnormally high testosterone prior to transitioning, it was within the normal range, and yet I didn't go through female puberty properly the first time either. No idea what that's about.
“Defining yourself through thought is limiting yourself.”
- Eckhart Tolle
How old are you now? Amazing speaker. Well done. So inteligent and articulate
I'm 29 (and a half, if we want to get technical).
@@CourtneyCoulson just asking for following all you have live. I watched all your videos last night. I do live very similar situation, thank you for sharing.
You should meet my husband. He loves health and working out at the gym. He also goes really meta with his thinking. Existential crises is basically his identity. But he loves it! I do to.
P.S severe depression will cause chronic fatigue and depersonalization. I’m glad you’re doing good but I wonder how you would feel taking SSRIs? (Zoloft, etc.)
I don't have depression, but if I did, I would cure it the way I cured all my other problems, by addressing the underlying metabolic problems.
I think the pharmaceutical industry is evil and SSRIs cause more problems than they solve, including obesity and permanent sexual dysfunction.
@@CourtneyCoulson I’m glad you found solutions to your health problems, that is always the best way to solve them, with lifestyle changes. Glad you’re doing well and have no need for them!
I want your thumb nail outfit where did you get it from?
That photo is ten years old, I'd have no idea.
I think you have emotions just not in the way you previously understood emotions. You’re fine. Enjoy your life!
you're great! more vids pls
Yes!
Why can't there still be tom boys? Too many little boxes too much rubbish being taken seriously.
Great vid.
Bella L
Let's bring back tomboys and butch women!
A Tom girl is a girl that just likes doing things outside, playing traditional boy sports, not wearing dresses much, liking to shoot guns and such. That was always me. On the other hand I love makeup, dressing up, love being a female and love my husband. I’m 100% female but I just don’t mind getting dirty and doing traditionally guy things like building things. You can be a lesbian without changing into a man.
I agree too many labels no wonder young people are so Confused . Go back to simple labels girl boys lesbian and homosexual. At least people are not so confused. No offense intended
Evans beautifully written, I 100% agree
Can we talk? I'm an engineer in a neuroscience lab, and a trans woman. I'm a huge cyberpunk nerd and grew up with all of it. I'm also diagnosed autistic from the age of 5, but am regularly told now that I don't look or read like it. So much of what you've said here is super relatable, and I think we'd both learn something from a conversation. Happy to put it up for public consumption too, so we can further the discourse here. I am not an active youtuber, but am familiar with the scene here. I can provide my creds/identity offline.
Sure. Reach me at courtneycoulsonprime@gmail.com.
it's sad to hear that when faced you a person with genuine deep psychological problems that therapist are completely out of their depths.
On another note all these billion of bipeds with these emotions that you have to mind not hurting.
You are one interesting person . . . Android
OMG identifying so hard with 8:51 "....and that's very much how I think about everything: I don't really have emotions. the best way to describe it is that I can't suffer emotionally, I don't know what emotional pain feels like, never have, probably never will. Doesn't mean you can't have mental issues, so you - I can suffer mentally, I can't suffer emotionally...." and 9:35 ".... So it's kind of like that, where something's going wrong with me - mentally, but I'm not getting any of those warning signs - emotionally I just feel - okay, all the time."
Yeah, and I am trans (since age 3, I'm old now ha ha) and autistic.
and the description of the accident and the triple-zero call, bingo, spot on me.... down to complimenting the person on the other end of the convo; that's my idea/understanding of relationship.
Ay, always great to find someone who relates!
This was so interesting. Thanks for sharing.
I'm also a CFS sufferer and can really relate to the awfulness of that experience. That combined with mental suffering - ouch.
I honestly think CFS made me crazy.
@@CourtneyCoulson In a psychological way, or was it more physical? Like, do you think the CFS directly affected your brain in the way that gut imbalances can affect your neurological state?
Could be both, it's hard to draw the line between neurology and biology. But put anyone in solitary confinement, be it a healthy person in a concrete prison, or a sick person in a prison of their own body and they will go insane.
@@CourtneyCoulson Hmm, good example.
You are a really interesting person.
Keep going! Do you!
Good android! Thanks for helping this person
I love your wig!!!
I was and still am a tomboy however once I hit maybe 18ish I started liking to wear more feminine clothes sometimes. Not all the time, in fact I’m sitting here writing this in my comfty more masculine clothes.
"girl's don't get autism" I hate this so much.
It's a pretty destructive idea, not sure it's changed much recently.
Sometimes I feel so emotionless, like an android like you said, yet at times, I get too emotional and start crying and can't stop, the slightest little thing will set me off to crying. I do not understand it. I can hear of something true that has happened that is tragic and sad and it won't phase me yet ball my eyes out over something that happened in a movie.
Sounds like some kind of emotional regulation disorder, I'm no professional of course, but it might be something worth exploring.
@@CourtneyCoulson Thanks for replying. :-) I appreciate it
@@CourtneyCoulson Oh and I'm A New Subscriber Here Too
Hey! I just want to (not angrily!!) correct you on what it means to be non binary :) Non Binary people are not always androgenous - gender expression and gender identity don't have to align in the traditional sense (men CAN wear heals and be men). Being non binary is about having a gender that is not fully man or woman - or that is neither. Non binary identity does not reinforce gender norms. Being non binary just means that you're not a man or a women (or not fully one). Anyone can dress however they like - identity is a different matter 💗
That's a bunch of nonsense, it's meaningless.
It’s not about gender identity. Trust me, I had a time were thought I was genderfluid. But I found out that I can choose as what I identify as, it’s just a choice. It’s more about THE DYSPHORIA that you feel. As a trans man I can feel like a girl but that doesn’t change anything at all, I still feel the strong dysphoria. The strong physical discomfort that I feel when I run or jump or try to lay in a position in which I don’t feel dysphoric. I mean, do what you want, be an elefant or be an Uno card but don’t assosiete this gender identity non binary nonsense with transgenders and dysphoria.
I’m so glad you realized you are a simply different type of woman, not a man. I understand the android feeling as a person with anxiety. It’s a great analogy. All the best to you ❤
Thank you for sharing the details about how you experience yourself and life in general.
I saw your face and I thought what a pretty girl then you spoke 😳 I really hope it gets softer over time
My voice will never change and I don't want it to.
I grew up with a psychiatrist stepfather, surgical tech mum, & straight feminine sister who was also goth yet is a surgeon & just got a job at Soace X. I grew up identifying as male, born female, yet went by either Mike or Tom. My parents tried to lean into the questions in the mid 90s (born 1993) yet I'd run away going, "pervert!" They left it alone & allowed me to just... be. I was treated well by my peers, teased by some, yet there was no politicizing of the issue in said 2001, let's just name a year. Knowing how easily suade I once was, I would've yes, disowned family & leaned into the trans issue despite already knowing one day I could change into a boy. TV taught me so. However in 2018, around 25 when my brain fully formed it disappeared for the most part? Found it interesting in the theory of waiting until the brain forms many channels speak on now. Turns out too, if I had leaned into testosterone, I would've died unaware I had a severe predisposition I am already at 29 being treated for already. Prayers to you. Sorry I am half asleep but to anyone reading, please don't be suggestive to already vulnerable people xo
If you are a woman and you make a certain motion, that by definition *is* feminine. Drives me crazy that ppl try to *define* make our female mannerisms, and other superficial aspects.
Since I found you, I love listening to you ❤️. Also autistic and been on the hormone
I'm female to male but I want to be a woman .... I'm 3 years on T now. Unfortunately now I have an Beard, what can I do that this left? 😭😭
I still have a beard, some detrans women never lose them, some cisgender women grow beards due to PCOS and other conditions. There's plenty of options to manage facial hair. I use an epilator or just pluck the hairs out. If the beard doesn't go away I will look into permanent hair removal.
I don’t know how your video showed up in my suggestions, but I watched it all. I have so many questions. I would love to sit and talk with you! This was both enlightening and entertaining (for lack of a better term). Genetics has fascinated me for many years. I hope you will continue to make videos of your journey to happiness whatever that looks like to you.
I plan on doing a Q&A episode one day, so if you do have questions, let me know.
I like your brain. 💜
Have you researched alexithymia?
Yes, I don't have it.
My thoughts too it explains alot . I have it .
Seems to me there are worse delusions to have. And thankfully you have a moral code.
Hey there... found you through Rivalmavericks channel.. I'm sorry your life was/is full of problems that seem to compound in all areas!! I know we dont know each other... but I'm glad that you dont think that you are a burden to the world!! I'm about 10 min into your video.. and have a few things to say and ask....but I'll be quiet and watch the rest of your video. Thank you for your courage!!!! You are awesome!!!
As a woman or man 👨you are so unique 💙✨and amazing 👏💙💖✨thank you for sharing 😊
Have you seen blade runner? I mean you've probably seen it but if you haven't you have to watch it! It's super good! Also I'm talking about the original 1987 one.
Of course I have, many times! I plan on doing a podcast about Blade Runner 2049 eventually, but for now, you can find Prometheus-by-Minute on most podcast platforms.
@@CourtneyCoulson I'll check it out :)
Doctors are always in awe of my Stoicism. So I recently looked it up. I think you are a natural Stoic. It's actually considered a religious (or not) way of life. 😊
I've been a stoic since I was about 11 when I realised that the Catholicism I was being raised with was utter rubbish.
Please write a book
I don't think you've understood non-binary tbh, you don't have to be androgynous to be non binary. Nor is it particularly about gender presentation.
So what is it about then?
@@CourtneyCoulsonit has different meanings for different people. For example it could be about having a preferred body plan that is neither exclusively male or female. It can also serve as an intellectual framework for someone to explore their gender identity. I for example identify as NB because I have bodily gender dysphoria but it's not consistent. I'd say that 80% of the time I feel completely comfortable in my male body but then my brain just switches and suddenly I feel awful for not having an hour glass shape, being hairy and not having a vagina. It's weird, like a female version of me just takes over.
Did you write your book yet?
I have been writing it, but they take a long time to finish, unless you're Stephen King. But I'm glad to hear there's interest.
19:30 OMG I keep doing the same thing xD
I don't think it looks masculine on you at all, I think we're both exaggerating here
I'm so aware of every little gesture!!
in detransitioning you are bringing another shade of colour back to womanhood. I support you and send all the love from Scotland x
Bless you baby x x
Your video seems interesting for me because I really need help, but as non english speaker I don't understand the ambiguity of the video..
Fascinating
I think I'm autistic. I wish there was a way to find out. I used to dress like a boy for a year or two. I identified as a lesbian for 5 years, but ultimately I realized I was bi. I look very feminine big lips, boobs, hips. I like sundresses with boots and I like earrings, makeup. I'm loud and awkward for how "feminine" I am. Oh well. Thank you for sharing. It's really helpful when others share their stories.❤🧡💛💚💙💜
There is a way to find out. Have you ever seen a therapist for a diagnosis?
Whatever... you both male & female, but looks more female and so beautiful and so well spoken. Its amazing.
Please tell me you played through Cyberpunk 2077!! The same way you compare yourself to Conner i compare myself to V
Not yet, I might get around to it eventually, I'm trying to get through all the Metal Gear games lately.