What Society Gets Wrong About Grief
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- Опубліковано 1 лип 2024
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Although grief is a universal human experience, we tend to think of it as something very private and individual. In this episode of Dead and Buried, Curly Velasquez explores how every society has culturally prescribed ways of mourning, and how we handle the experience of grief in today's world.
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My Mom was diagnosed with dementia six years ago, so in a very real way I've been grieving her death preemptively for that entire time. Dementia is profoundly weird, because the person you love is still in front of you but every day a little bit of their personality and memory erodes away. Eventually it just feels like you're talking to a ghost-- someone who looks like this person you love, but doesn't act like them at all. Grieving someone with dementia is so strange, because it comes in huge waves. I have days where I literally cry until my chest hurts, and then these long stretches of time where it feels (mostly) okay.
God bless and Jesus loves you ❤️🙌🙏 I pray for your comfort. Do you know God and Jesus?
My cousin brother killed himself in 2013. I'm still not over it. He was 33 and I was 30. The worst part was feeling like I couldn't grieve more than his mother and brother.
PBS really coming up. I love it
It's been nearly ten years since my mom died and I still have days where I can't function because the world took away my guiding light. And the littlest thing can trigger it, I saw a magazine ad for the perfume my mom wore and it cut into me like a hot knife and I cried for hours.
God bless and Jesus loves you ❤️🙌 🙏 I pray for your comfort. Do you know God and Jesus?
This is timely. My dad died on Saturday and we, the siblings, are all being less than gentle with each other right now because we all grieve so differently. Thank you for this video.
God bless and Jesus loves you ❤️🙌🙏 I pray for your comfort. Do you know God and Jesus?
"Grief is the price you pay for love" I vibe with that quote, thanks
I lost my mom suddenly less then three weeks ago and my tears very much come in waves. I will be fine and then something will remind me of my mom and I know that she isn't here anymore. I know that I will be greaving her the rest of my life and that as I watch my daughter as well as my niece and nephew grow up there will always be that thought of how I wish my mom was there to see it. I really love the Day of the Dead celebrations since they unlike a lot of Western European morning practices celebrate life and death rather then morn it. Greaf doesn't have a time line nore is there a right way to do it. Also it is ok to have a wide range of emotions with greaf. I get mad at my mom for not taking better care of herself and for not seeking better medical help after he hospitalization a few months ago and it is ok for me to feel that. I am giving myself time and grace to morn my mom and also trying to be there for my dad and sister.
I recently hit 10 years after my dad died, he was my only parent and was his only child. I went through an intense cyclical period of grief and loss not only for not having my dad but for losing my only family in a society that emphasizes family above all else.
I still remember vividly a conversation where a friend, who was completely well intentioned, suggested I was holding on to my grief 3 years later. I didn't have the words to explain how complicated it was, I even now have days where the grief feels so intense and real it's like it was yesterday and others where it's been so long that it feels like it was a lifetime ago. So much of the conversation is about like you get to feel broken up for x amount of time, then its well their dead, get over it. I hope things continue to change.
In Ashkenazi Judaism we say "may their memory be a blessing" which I think is better than being sorry for something you had no control over.
My bestie lost her fiance last year and I feel like thinking about his memory as a blessing to keep hold of rather than a regret to be sorry about has been helpful though it's obviously still difficult
I can't remember who said or what book it was in, but the words in burned into my brain "grief is the last way we get to love someone"
I lost my best friend this past Saturday. Life is so hard right now.
(((Hugs))))
Enveloping hugs from this reader and griever.
I really appreciated this, it's hard to convey in words without it ending up 30 pages long and still feeling like it's not clear. Grief is really hard and the medicalization/stigma around mourning a significant loss YEARS LATER cuts so many people down. Which is exactly what we need when we're mourning one of the most, if not THE MOST, significant loss in our lifetimes 🙄 Healing isn't always or even usually pretty.
This was 💯. Grief deserves an unashamed presence in society and more conversations like this.
Curly is impeccable as ever and please DO MORE OF THIS.
My dad passed unexpectedly in February and my college roommate of two years died before that in September. The combined grief left me not functioning and I didn’t do anything for months. I took a combined three months off of work because I just can’t handle anything. It’s hard. It’s sucks so much. All I write about is my dad dying and I’ll never get over it.
Sweetie, please get aid on this journey. It is essential. We can't do it alone. Find a therapist if there is no one else.
@@JoeJoe-ng9qb I’ve been in therapy for three years so I’m good
Yes! Whatever way works for you in that grief journey. That's the right way.
And it may look, sound, last, or be different than others. Don't let folks force their path through grief on you.
I lost my dad in January, i'm so grateful for this video. Grief is so difficult to navigate. The best thing those around my mom, brother, and I did was to provide meals and share their time. Just the presence of an old friend, even if no one speaks, is a great source of comfort. Seeing other's have genuine sorrow for my dad's passing and inviting me to grieve openly was such a kindness and im so grateful for those who said, "please just let it out."
This was really good. I remember when my mother got angry with me because I was not grieving the loss of her brother, my Uncle, the "right" way. It was a very difficult thing and clearly something that sticks with me some 33 years later,. It is a shame that because of our own loss and trauma we can literally inflict additional pain on others.
I now have a very troubled relationship with loss, because I always second guess myself, and try to engage in performance for others rather than actually grieving my own way. When my first cat, one who influenced my life choices profoundly and who had connected me to an earlier, different version of my life, died of cancer after six months of palliative care, and then an absolute nightmare drive through a hurricane, literally past a tornado, to get her to the vet for euthanasia, I felt unable to talk about it with my parents, because I was afraid that they'd think I loved my cat more than others I had lost. It's different, though, and I am still hesitant to mention it to my parents.
Thank you for putting this video together. I found it helpful and edifying.
I tell folks it never gets better it just gets less raw, less fresh.
Whenever someone tells me they've lost a loved one I give them a hug and try to relate. Then it opens a space to talk about their loved one where they feel more comfortable. I agree with grieving as long as you need. My grandma passed away about 10 years ago and as my daughter grows I know how long she's been gone and I get sad about her not being here and the time of year I would spend time with her. Any who, yeah, grieve as long as you need. These people in your life ARE your life and when they're gone, they took a part of your life away.
"We are taught to feel shame about grief that lingers. Like a stain on our clothes, it marks us as flawed, imperfect. To cling to grief, to desire its expression, is to be out of sync with modern life, where the hip do not get bogged down in mourning.
Love knows no shame. To be lovong is to be open to grief, to be touched by sorrow, even sorrow that is unending. The way we grieve is informed by whether we know love." -bell hooks "All About Love"
Wise words from Bell Hooks. Thanks for posting this!
Aaaaaah Curly!! Fantastic to see you again, and talking death positivity too? Yesssss!
i was told that the way to (try to) ensure that the trauma of grief doesn't warp your personality beyond the physical impact (as much as you can help it) is to try to remember whatever you lost as accurately and unromantically as possible, journal the romanticized perspectives when they flood you with emotions, and then check back on the romanticized entries later in order to check them against both the things you liked about what you lost and the things you didn't like.
The way they phrased it was "the best way to respect the dead is to remember them from all perspectives you can", neither making them out to be unequivocally good or unequivocally bad.
obviously, accuracy means that if they mostly hurt you a lot, it's okay to recall that dynamic.
that, plus leaving wiggle room for flights of fantasy so your emotions can fully process, and having support and ppl who you can trust to help you follow those steps while still allowing you to do pure emotional processing and not hold you to an impossible standard (they allow you to contradict yourself).
also thank you for explaining where the "five stages of grief" came from. that makes so much more sense. my friend and I were just talking about how we've never gone thru the anger stage and we couldn't see where the anger would come from (except for the obvious murder/manslaughter where someone is directly to blame)
I really really love this series. It's so good, so important, interesting, wholesome, funny. Very grateful that this exists.
My daughter passed away 10 years ago. I still grieve. The anniversary of her loss, her birthday & Mother’s Day remain the hardest days for me. I don’t expect that will change. There is no timeline for grieving. The worst thing I heard was “she’s in a better place now.” Absolutely not! Her better place was with her family & children!
I think of grief like the ocean. Some days, there isn’t a cloud in the sky. And some days it comes out in all its force.
Bravo!!!! Yaaaaas
Curly! Been waiting for the last of the good Buzzfeed people to jump ship.
CURLY!!!!!
I was so excited to see him!
I think 1 to 5 days of leave is not enough. The work you do can lose all meaning after losing someone you love, especially if it's a job you didn't enjoy to begin with.
I lost my husband if 28 years on January 1st 2022. He went into the hospital on December 25th 2021. COVID. He was set to come home on January 1st. So when I got the call to get there fast . I was in shock. He was going to come home. By the time I got there , he was gone. I miss him more and more everyday. People tell me to get over it. Move on ! I can't ! He was the love of my life😢. Am I going to be his wife in Heaven?
Hey, arms around you and so sorry for your loss. Another adult here who lost partner of 3+ decades and we're around the same date. Feb 2022. The love of my life and the persons we spent our lives and adventures with. And during covid pandemic and isolation. Virtual hug sent.
Is there a shift in these cultural practices, particularly the ones that celebrate the deceased when the death was unjust and never made right?
And there are death dulahs as well
I've always thought that "the first everything is the hardest" meant more by the second everything you can say "I've done it before I can do it again" not that it hurts less.
Unfortunately, not true. Lost by best buddy at 17. I was torn apart. But losing my partner in life, 5 decades later, after a beautiful life, perhaps harder. Definitely harder.
@@JoeJoe-ng9qb I think you misunderstood me, I'm not saying the second death of a close loved one is easier than the first death. I mean, 2nd birthday/anniversary/holiday without that someone is easier than the first time
I feel bad that someone I love is dead now. Apparently, i'm also not grieving correctly
There is no right way to grieve. My first major loss was my dog. People laugh at that but screw them. I was on my way to school for my senior finals and I drove past her mangled corpse on the road. I was an absolute emotional mess and sobbed in the school bathroom all day. A few years later in college, my friend called us over and sat us down to tell us she had terminal cancer in the bones of her spine and also began laying out the stages of how she was going to slowly lose her ability to walk, control her bowls, etc. Her death wasn't sudden and try as I might have, it was so hard not to openly grieve in front of her because she wanted people to be happy around her in the time she still had left. It was miserable at her funeral when her family "celebrated" her going to heaven and I wish I could burn the digital photo they forced me to take with her other friend of us fake smiling and holding a massive framed photo of her with our red tear stained faces. What I vividly remember thinking at the time was that everyone who did attempt to reach out did so more for the gossip more than they did to acknowledge the pain of the loss and the willingness to just sit and be there during our loss. While I didn't want to talk about the loss at the time, it simultaneously hurt when people seemed to actively just avoid being in my presence. Her death still hurts to talk about even almost a decade later. And after attending another half dozen funerals since then I've learned that there isn't a right way or length to grieve someone because there are so many things that can factor in, your bond, the way they died, etc. Everyone handles it differently on an emotional level. You can't control what emotions come out of someones death.
3:55 yes, exactly this. That's all you need to say at someones loss and offer some companionship. If they want their space, then give it to them. If they want to talk, then fine but don't force them to spill their guts out to you. Just having a presence and not being alone for long periods of time can be a huge benefit.
Life sucks, that's what you say.
God bless and Jesus loves everyone ❤️🙌 God is awesome and He makes beautiful and wonderful masterpieces ✝️🙏 God loves us so much that He gave Jesus to save us from our sins so we can go to Heaven when we repent, does anyone want to know Jesus Christ?😇🫂
Oy vey
@@JoeJoe-ng9qb What's wrong?