Dating & Relationships | Dan Ariely | Talks at Google
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
- Googler Logan Ury talks to behavioral economist and "Predictably Irrational" author Dan Ariely in the second of our Modern Romance talks. They discuss the paradox of choice in the "Age of Tinder," why a canoe is the best place to test your long-term compatibility, and other research-based insights and advice for modern dating and relationships.
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- 11:40
Partners in a successful relationship convey the amount of work they're putting into it
- 19:03
Consider "opportunity cost" when selecting a partner
- 24:40
Use a "canoe test" or other mildly stressful situation to gauge a compatibility
- 34:39
Market asymmetry magnifies differences in negotiating power or "date-ability"
- 46:10
Dating websites cheat users by using shortcuts that convey little about what people are actually like, while at the same time letting users show off only their most positive aspects
- 54:40 First date idea: Bring a favorite book and describe it
Hwan Hong thanks for this summary
my man be taking notes
Today is a special day because I discovered Dan Ariely (on youtube :)
Same. He's an interesting man.
TheLHShowChannel Same but today :)
Mine too.
Bro. I've seen about 100s of talks. This interview right here was worth it all. He's detail and stats provided was immensely helpful
It's one of the best discoveries you'll probably have in your life, don't get me wrong, there's a lot to discover, but the knowledge that Dan brings, may improve your decisions and life as a consecuence
Greetings from Mexico!
Dan Ariely never disappoints, this was a great talk.
+Baris Baser He is amazing! I just started reading his books too, awesome.
+Baris Baser I couldn't agree more.
ААrе уоu mааking thеsеее mistaaаkеs with уооur mаn? twitter.com/792a5f97c2a018822/status/804693412402241537 Dаn Аriееееlу Оn Dаting Rеlаtiоnshiрs Таlks аt Gооglе
sarah chantika လိုးကား
Looks like you did tell. I take it this is nothing I would have wanted to watch in case I ever get a boyfriend, khincho aye.
this looks like it was shot in the 80s
Alex Kennedy - Haha, it definitely does! Thanks for the laugh. Best to you from Atlanta. -Paige
Alex Kennedy 😂😂😂😂 I was going to say the same thing....
They’re on the Dick Cavett Show.
Haha nice catch^^
Yes. That was a bizarre effect. Even the audio sounds "80s".
only now realised that the video is from 2015 lol
It is interesting to hear him talk about "playing hard to get," because in my reading, specifically on attachment theory, what playing hard to get gets you, is someone who doesn't want someone who is actually available. Playing hard to get, I've read, tends to attract people who have issues with emotional intimacy. Then too, there is such a thing as being too available - so there's a balance in there somewhere between not being too unavailable, and not too available.
Hard to get is often misunderstood. What it boils down to is being hard to get sexually. If women hold off on having sex, the men who are just interested in something casual will leave. It also speaks to men's primal need for paternity assurance. Men generally don't want long term partnerships with women who are easy. Hard to get is basically don't have sex too soon before you've vetted the guy. A guy who is interested in a long term partnership will wait.
@@woollyprimate thank you for explaining this idea, how you've put it makes perfect sense.
1. The ending matters a lot: like dessert after dinner
2. Leave something for the imagination
3. Share meaningful store: ask & share personal questions
4. Playing hard to get works: cognitive dissonance
5. In a relationship, it is a good idea to show/share your effort
6. Short-term decisions prevent you from investing deeply in it
7. Friends & family are better at measuring long-term compatibility
8. Fundamental attribution error: how much do you blame your partner for bad events - canoeing test
I don't agree with number four though. In this day and age of high speed dating, I can't imagine, playing hard to get works for anybody.
The major problem with people playing hard to get is that if some person genuinely does not want to get into a relationship it confuses the person who is hoping for a relationship. The person who is hoping doesn't understand if the other person is just playing hard to get or is just not interested.
and that it is dishonest :)
i never thought i could listen* to a person talk for 58 minutes straight!
welcome to my life
You must be very young. XD
saaame it didn't even feel like 58 minutes had passed!
I really like the day-to-day apartment lease analogy! What he said about playing hard to get kinda caught me off guard though, as I know from first-hand experience that it could turn your life into an emotional rollercoaster if you are a serial overthinker and/or have lower self-esteem.
I am a woman and I have developed a flowchart for my (biennal = once every 2 years) dates.
This is randomisable.
1) Are you good to each other? (Empathy)
No -> Stop
Yes -> Go to step 2
2) Do you communicate well? (Communication)
No -> Stop
Yes -> Go to step 3
3) Does you back eachother when there is a problem? (Reliability)
No -> Stop
Yes -> Enjoy the ride! :)
Very simple and effective. Thanks!
*Is he tall?
God I wish I have discovered Dan earlier. These perspectives are so amazing! Thank you!
I like the way he’s thinking! He looks at daily situations and most common attitudes from an above point of view without getting involved by himself. This is the best way to live your life. Don’t get let you get involved into the normal perspective of your daily personal lies. You’re not only betray others but mostly you betray yourself! Learn to accept that you’re not as perfect as you pretend to be. BE YOURSELF! You’re a unique type of mankind... Never let anybody live your life!
The canoe test is a good test for relationships. Trust me, it can predict a lot about how things will turn out.
Contrary to what Dan says, traveling together to a distant location also does wonders, especially if it's on bicycles, by hitchhiking or sailboat where you can't really drop out at any point.
I was gonna say do The Amazing Race. Travelling refers exactly going somewhere far, you wouldn't equate cycling to traveling. Traveling or going on a tri's downside is it can be a tad too long. Canoeing is half a day, but because it can be high stress, it is a good test.
This is the first time I have seen Dan Ariely. He is very interesting and I really enjoyed this talk.
Can you guy set up a MOOC on behavioural economics ...I think a lot of people would love and benefit from it
+kuwait85 Ariely is on Coursera from time to time with his course "A Beginner’s Guide to Irrational Behavior", but they keep taking it down when it's not active. Keep checking, it's great stuff.
+Adam Hosman thanks man. Much appreciated
damn Ive been thinking about that whole blame the world thing since i was in elementary. by 8th grade I only blamed myself. that helped me excel exponentially in all aspects of my life. i forgot about that. i stop blaming myself because everyone said i try to hard. this video reminded me that i need to blame myself because how else do you get better without recognizing what's wrong, without seeing where you are weak/lacking, i just got to be constructive about it. I haven't been excelling in the last 4 years, because I stopped blaming myself. Ive been stagnant and staying still is the same as going backwards because not moving forward, is not moving forward.
Best advice anyone will ever get is this: you can't control how the world will react to you, but you can control how you react to the world.
People acting crazy can make you lose your way if you let them. However if you have a solid sense of yourself and reality then no one can shake you.
This was perfect, so interesting, this man is an excellent speaker👏🏻
I have always done day-dates. That what I call them but they don’t necessarily have to be in the day. I don’t believe that dinner and a movie is a good first date at all. I things like going to a fair or carnival, an amusement park, or something a tourist would do. Maybe like zip-lining, or some activity that is more likely to make each other less nervous, share an activity, and have something to talk about. You can discuss your opinion on say the booth you just left, or ride you just went on, or the thing that was for sale. Then if it passes a meal time then what you are eating is not fancy or stiff and you don’t have to worry about the other person watching you eat to see if you are an animal or not. It’s carnival food. You’re expected to eat half human-like and half animal-like. It also gives you something in common to talk about on your next conversation after the date. It has always worked out great. Even if I knew the person wasn’t for me it still wasn’t a horrible time unless the person is just a complete ass. And in that case, you are lucky to see that side right away and you can always stop the date at anytime if they are a jerk. But I haven’t really ran into anybody horrible. Just people who aren’t the right fit or in some cases a great fit. I highly recommend it. But for God’s sake, don’t go to a museum! Unless it’s like a science museum or an aquarium. No staring at art unless you already know 100% that you two of you are both art fanatics. Even like a sporting event can do great if you both are into that sport. It’s a great way to get to know that person way better than a dinner that you both are nervous at and a movie where you don’t talk.
Totally in agreement here. Worst first date idea are movies by far. Can’t talk during it. It’s ok if you’re spending a bit more time together before and after but for a first date it’s so awkward. I’ve done things like take guys on cycling dates to beaches and castles (when I lived in Scotland). Rock climbing is good especially if you have a nice bum 😉 I think art galleries can be fun if they aren’t too stuffy but I like art so that’s me!
Good advices, it's sad that I read this when I am not single anymore
Do what you enjoy, only then you can be excited, it doesn't mean do only what you enjoy but that's the thing, find a person who shares the interest. Besides if a girl expects a guy to do the planning, let him show his world. Movie on the first date isn't a bad idea if it's something both of you will enjoy. Same principle, don't watch something just for the other person's sake. Then there's something to talk about. It really is not where, what, when, of even how much, any of those is fine as long as both people are into it. If you realize you don't share interest or open to each other's interest, that's one red flag. Same thing with choosing places to eat, don't need to go to fancy places on first dates, go to your fav places.
@@ginavanulzen6681 Like you can talk when cycling? Like you can carry a conversation when climbing rocks/walls? If you want conversation to get to know each other, then find a place where you can talk, go to the park, take nice walks, find a place where you can sit and talk. But there are first dates where people already kinda know each other, nothing wrong with a movie to start the date or even a rock concert if two people enjoy the same things. Who says you need to talk first?
You ladies create these fantasies of dream dates. It prevents you from enjoying getting to know someone.
The guy who just wants to invite you for coffee in an attempt to get to know you automatically becomes less appealing because he didn't fulfill your fantasy.
Can't believe Dan never had Google talk. Awesome!
People laughed at the woman that only picked 2% of men. This is closely aligned to the statistical data that is about 5% on dating apps.
Clearly, because women are constantly complaining about the state of dating and relationships. Their pickiness is filtering out the men who want relationships and selecting the men who just want sex or casual interactions.
Such an insightful talk, learned tons of new things. Can't thank *Talks at Google* enough for all these talks! Thank you!
Great information. Thanks Dan.
It changed my perspective
Great talk, one of my all-time favorites Dan and one of my new favorites, Amy!
What you say is much wiser than those said in many videos with million clicks!
7 years later. Tinder killed realistic expectations in women completely.
First off I'd like to say I enjoyed the lecture. I learned something about myself and maybe why I never married. I was never all in with anyone. So unfortunately the information is about 40 years too late for me, but I will pass it on. Around the 20 min. mark and the secretary scenario, wouldn't the person have that "one foot in, one foot out" feeling about the "temporarily trying you out" situation? The employer may not get their all from the temporary worker. Thank you, cindy
No. Its existed for 40,000 years. You chose to believe in your DELUSION of UNREALISTIC expectations.
Playing hard with me will not work at all. I think is not such a good advise. If you make it difficult you are telling me "I'm not interested".
Long term commitment and work fully in the relationship (both feet in) is really a key point indeed. I agree in this.
32:05 So how is that a gap in income if men and women aren't doing the same job? Dan's example doesn't demonstrate similarity in work at all: one works in tech, while the other from home, in fact, in the home. So how is that an income gap for "same work, but different genders, so different pay." Very intelligent discussion, but this confounding was a little surprising.
Personally, I don’t know any women who work as "homemakers". That was in the 1980s and earlier, or rich people, like maybe the spouses of our male executives. Side note since COVID, I heard a study recently that young women outnumber young men going into college by a big gap. In 4-7 years, those cohorts entering the workforce as they graduate college will be then be more skewed towards females. Not that this a good or bad thing, but the dynamic looks like it’s changing.
this guy is good
Biggest takeaways:
-What truly matters to people is the end of situations or experiences, because that's what people remember the most.
-Forget generic, boring questions like "what's your job?" or "where did you go to school?" because they don't form any deep bond and don't show the person's true colors. Instead, use the 36 questions formula.
-Your perception of an objective is correlated with how much effort and hard work you put into it: things that are easy are not worthwhile. And even more, it's not only the effort but SHOWING and EXPLAINING and CLARIFYING the effort to the outside and the other person.
-Imagine that you have an apartment. And you have a deal with the landlord that the lease is day to day. And every morning you wonder if you want to extend the lease. How much would you invest in the apartment? Would you paint the walls, buy flowers, fix the doors? Of course not. You'd continously be with one foot out. So if you have that short term thinking, your investment in the relationship will be low.
-The canoeing test for a relationship: when you canoe, unexpected or stressful events occur like hitting rocks, flipping over, getting wet from waves. The question is, how much do you blame the other person? The fundamental attribution error is the idea that when bad things happen to us it's not our fault and we blame external events, but if it happens to other people, it's their fault and we blame them. When things happen out of our control, we tend to blame the world, but if it happens to other people we tend to blame them. So it's a great situation to simulate.
-Love marriage versus arranged marriage: arranged marriage tend to improve over time in contrast to love marriage that spiraled downhill over time.
-An effective date where you can see the other person's character includes: solving puzzles, showing meaningful objects, facing moral dilemmas.
great talk.
really informative.
so we girls really should play hard to get to leverage the cognitive bias.
the canoe test and the 20 questions for dating are brilliant.
Dr. David Buss had great insights into looking at 4 or 5 characteristics we should look for and prioritize in choosing:
1 intelligence
2 compatibility
3 physical attractiveness
4 commonality
5 values
I know this comments old though I gotta chime in and say I hate the 'tactics' he advocates for. If a girl plays hard to get I will likely think she is immature and not continue talking with her. Just my thoughts!
It is an art, better not play if not very good at at it.
3 years down the line I'm wondering how playing hard to get worked out for OP.
Please don’t do hard to get. Although it might work in some cases, it can potentially disqualify good long term partners. Just know them a bit and just turn them down later if not interested. I never understood that concept - it’s basically a deception tactic. That’s my 2 cents.
I agree it might be good to have an "outside" woman (whether affair or non) for a man to talk about relationships with, but I'll add that I think it's just as helpful and important for a woman to have an "outside" man (affair or non) to talk about relationships with. Talking about how to deal with men amongst other women usually doesn't turn out to be particularly wise or successful.
Barb Thornell I get the same advice from men and women rofl! But perhaps I know metrosexual men.
good,i am reading this woman s book recently
So women care about height and income, while men care more about BMI. I can say that is close to the wealth and status vs youth and beauty preference that we know about.
Rommel V As a woman, I have to agree that height and income are almost deal breakers for me. Women aren’t gold diggers and it’s not a wish to be rich so much as it is that we don’t want to be poor and to have to struggle. We want to feel financially secure. We want to know that we and our children could be financially taken care of if need be. It’s also very nice when you are going to work because you want to and not because you have to in order to pay the rent or mortgage. As for height, we want to feel like we could be protected and it seems that the taller the man is the more likely that is. Plus it makes us feel physically smaller. Now in reality, we understand that strength and fighting ability is not solely dependent on height. It just somehow makes us feel secure. Unless you are an immature woman, we are not looking for our men to fight. We hope that situation never comes up. I those two things makes us seem shallow but it’s not in a shallow way that makes them important. Sorry if I bored you with this longer than intended reply.
@@katiekat4457 No evidence supports the idea that someone has to have money to eventually make money. Plenty of evidence suggest that even if the person is low income or even unemployed that this does not always mean it will be that way forever. If they are going to trade school, diligent and have a support system odds are that between 2-4 years they may even dwarf the income of their partner. That is a fact and I only deal with facts not future projections based off of feelings and prejudice = (all low income people are always low income). If you really truly think that then their is no hope for the world. All poor people can just forget any dreams of success. Is that really what you want to teach your children?
Dating Fighter
Nobody said you have to have money in the present to be able to make money in the future. It’s like a man saying he doesn’t date fat women. And a fat woman telling him he should give fat women a chance because she might potentially lose weight in a few years. There’s also a chance that she gains more weight.
In the case of dating a poor man and hoping he will eventually be financially secure, it’s a similar concept. He may end up better. He may end up worse as time passes.
Dating someone with the hope that they may change for the better is a bad idea. They may not change and you’ve just wasted your time hoping they could be different
Dating Fighter What are these evidence that you speak of? Can you link them, or is it anectdotal? Also apples to apples, if we have two 25 year old guy, one making 80k with a STEM degree, another making 25k in a service job, what is the probability that in 10 years one is steadily accruing wealth while the other one is still living paycheck to paycheck?
@@katiekat4457 I would believe this nonsense if women didn't modify their financial requirements based on their own status.
The average woman wants her partner to make at least 58% more money than her.
If a woman gets a promotion and suddenly makes more than her husband the odds they will get divorced jump 33%. If a woman outearns her husband from the start that marriage has an 88% likelihood of divorce.
This is why millionaire women look to marry other millionaires. Those women are financially secure, why not marry a man for something other than income?
This is a huge issue woman will have to resolve in themselves. Women are earning more degrees and making more money. The math simply won't allow for all the high earning women to get a high earning man. Some of you will have to compromise or be alone.
this was a cool talk. insightful
I think we should leave dating and looking for mates as a natural process rather than getting into the science behind it. A badly gone date is also necessary to learn about different mates.
Dan is a modern day Einstein.
Not really, he is the Einstein of his field is a better way to put it.
Can someone make a 500 word essay about this video pleaseeee🥺🤝🏻
Love the canoeing tip! 😊
Next guy I start to date I’ll go canoeing 😅
28:14 This is a good example of how political correctness gets in the way of telling facts or discussing research. Dan had no problem "triggering" aka offending some people in the audience, Logan Ury apparently had.
reMAG I thought the same. Met Dan a few months back at Zurich University, great guy. Wonder how long people like him and Jordan Peterson will be tolerated at Universities?
@@thetruthwillsetyoufree9209 Hopefully for a very long time
There is more to it: why the online profiles are still meaningless? Lots of dating startups, lots of established websites and not improvements over all these years? The answer is .. profit! The less meaningful profiles are on the site, the more people search and keep on searching. And pay the companies for the subscription. If suddenly all dating apps\websites could match people well, then these apps will have much fewer users (and less profit).
Genuine information that's non-biased, polarising or obfuscated, love it can't say the same for JP though.
How about that huge confounding about income gap? He says that because a tech worker makes more than a homemaker, and that they're different genders, it's proof of the income gap. Like how can you make such a silly statement. It's clearly wrong.
22:03 So does infatuation usually overshadow the remainder of the relationship?
It always amuses me how the academic researchers who study human sociosexual interaction end up coming to the same conclusions as the PUA community, albeit in a much slower, more roundabout way. Glad they are doing this research, although if you want to learn from the real experts in this field, you should check out teachers with serious experience doing this in real life, like Todd V or RSD!
15:27 This gets really interesting from here
for me it's comparing dating to the landlord relationship 16:15
49:00 but friendship and relationships are different in many ways. Unless of course if we are talking about arranged marriage. I'd like to see data on random roommates becoming good friends. But if not equating arranged marriage to friendships, then sure, I'll buy it.
Really Enjoyed. Thanks so much for sharing!
Magnificent content; parallel to a book I deeply respect for its intelligence. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
This should be a ted talk . Great video .
There is one
16:03 did that girl just sleep in the middle of such an gripping lecture!!!
I mean wtf!!
She wasn't there for the talk, but for the asmr experience. Hahahaha
Maybe she was tired because of an unexpected event, cut her some slack will ya?
She was on a hot date canoeing earlier that day.
Nice.
Learned something.
‘What did you Learn from Google Talks?’
“Things Happen!”
1:43 Tips on designing the perfect date
The explanation at 19:50 is very insightful! The whole discussion is very nice to learn from.
Isn't Okcupid more like what Ariely is calling for?
OkCupid has been ruined by its new owners.
It is. It's the only online dating site I recommend - although not so much these days. It's pretty terrible but it's still better than most since you can do more than just swipe and have one or two lines on your bio. Met quite a few great friends there as well as my partner. Never would have met them through tindr though.
OKC is no more OKC once it adopted swipe right swipe left
@@rc.... That's not the OkCupid I use. Is there another one? I message men and they message me.
Yes he right so Though that has a lot to do with the woman's maturity as well what she might want is a young woman a middle aged woman and an older woman in a man.
My imagination is great but when I'm with the person it's always much better than I imagined always.
47:00 Maybe I am odd but I would love a restaurant like that. I believe that it all comes down to knowing our true motive to eat or the true motive we have to meet a person...it needs to be properly defined.
She should not have cut him off at the end he was making a point.
boliussa maybe that was the point lol
I havent got there
They will have been working to a time. She likely let it go as far as she could.
Note to self: make 20,000 more
Where have I been besides here now
After watching this, men will be reporting their height in half inches. $20,000 is a lot of bacon.
I was having lunch when he went into details about colonoscopy.
40:09 - What's happening with the woman sitting in front of the man asking the question?
What do you mean? I see nothing special but the fact that she's using the phone
This guy is great
The Ashley Madison thing is BS, there are no women on the site, 90% of the female profiles there are fake. However I would agree with the part where he says when women start to make more money they start looking to trade up to a better more successful partner.
49:45: but if the companies got effective people would find their partners quicker and not use their service anymore
DS try appeal to emotion
What is Hinge? Never heard
Had Paul McCartney gone to MIT...
Does anybody found exact paper about arranged marriages? I found only Marriage Satisfaction and Wellness
in India and the United States (by Jane E. Myers, Jayamala Madathil, and Lynne R. Tingle), but it's defenietly not "so huge" as DA putted here.
Thanks!
Yes. Also it doesn’t account for the arranged marriages just self selecting people who have low expectations. The conclusion could be not that arraigned marriages are happier but If you have low expectations you are happier.
What's funny is that the thing that makes relationships last is the fact that the couple were friends - they're each other's best friend. Romance probably isn't at the top of people's minds at the 30 year mark. If after only a handful of years the romance disappears, that's rather strange and I don't think that's as a result of prioritising friendship and leaving out romance.
Very cool stuff!
Arranged marriages working out better makes sense when you think about it. Your parents are choosing for you and your parents, especially your mother knows you better than you know yourself. So when it comes to picking a spouse that is compatible it makes sense that your mom could choose a better match for you then you, yourself can. FYI this is just my own thinking. I am not nor do I know anybody who has had an arranged marriage.
When she said "That's a good note to end on"
I thought, "Dang, I wish I could hear him talk more"
go to gym, make big muscles and say your scars are from fights. If they dont believe it, say something like this: "once I tried to bench/deadlift/clean and jerk 700 kg and my bicep tendon snapped and ripped out the whole biceps all the way to my spine and torn my skin all around my body thats where my scar comes from”
So what's men's favorite BMI???
Something around 19 I would say
why prevention of the fights should be the goal???
What q? the animal q, If you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have and why? The why is what qualities they value in a mate.
I've never clicked like so fast, damn.
The questions are not meaningless. It is incorrectly stated. I think yeah, it's not exciting, but yes, I need to remember your brother's name is X so I can address him when I see him and show you that I care who he is as a person. We choose to start out slowly because it's safe. All he's done is speed things up, and while nothing is wrong with that, it really asks ... how fast do you want your relationship to start? How much time do you really have?
This seemed to be cut short
Jordan Peterson should consider this in relation to the gender pay gap
i'm really sceptical about that wage gap argument.
He's saying that a wife with low financial value is less likely to cheat on her high value guy. Which makes sense and I would imagine that most people would find this to be in line with reality.
Not true with sugar babies, but that's not what he's talking about.
Well, TRP.
Thumbnail legit looks like a still from The Price is Right
Does anybody have the reference for that math problem he talked about?
25:00,38:14,46:15
Fyi, San Francisco has the most single men per single women in the US.
Did he mean, to earn 40$ or $40,000 more for each inch per year?
If you go to hobo town it's $40.
Kharga pur
12:55 Who is Kayak? Whats the name of this show?
Its a travel website. Kayak .com
Those are merv griffins drapes
And now we know how old you are :)
Agree in advance, not to exchange useless information. I agree, sex on the first date can make things complicated.
49:45 easy come easy go?
🦁🙋🏻♂️HEY FIVE!
Dont you meant HIGH?
ahahahah its so true Dan is so brilliant. if your reading this and your thinking about changing the video stay for the end.
5'9 have to earn more money 40,000 a year to compete 5'10.
He's wrong on the pay gap and equal income in a relationship.
Be wary of relying on pop science hacks for good relationships
So what do you rely on?
@@rc.... not evolution, I guess
11:30 What he’s saying about playing hard to get should make people more aware of how much value they put on something that is not worth it.
In other words, you idealize something mundane, because you’ve already invested in it. So as not to loose face, you overestimate that thing/person, to rationalize your wastefull spending. The obvious downside is that you then continue spending you recources on something that wasn’t worthwile from the very start.