Thank you for explaining that people with dementia need more care than an untrained adult can offer. My mother-in-law is in assisted living with dementia, and so many people have judged my husband and I for not moving her into our home. I know we made the right decision despite the criticism.
You made the right choice. You can't control what other people think. Many people are driven by fear and ignorance, not their fault, but true none the less.
I am going to be 70 next year and live alone. I know your channel is geared towards caregivers, but I'm finding them useful. Recently I approached my son about the possibility that I may one day not be able to stay in my home alone. My son is my only child. He is recently married and they have a new born. I'm enjoying the new role of grandmother and at the same time dreading being a burden on him. Your videos so far have been food for thought. Thank you And most of all thank you for protecting your mother's dignity.
This is me too. I am 54 and my only child is 19. When I do the math, I realize she may just be entering her adult prime with a career and/or children at the same time I need more direct care. So Swedish Death cleaning, preparing my elderly care and setting up my funeral are huge priorities. It's the last gift I'll be able to give her.
@@MyFocusVaries Although that's lovely and something we would all love, I think it's super important that we have a plan should that not be possible. Just like all the other stages in our lives, we. have to prepare for being old. It's commendable to do so.
When we enrolled my Dad in Adult Daycare, I had the doctor write it as a prescription. When Dad protested, I showed him the prescription and said that I had to do it because the doctor ordered it. He was fine with that because his generation never questioned what the doctor ordered. And just as a side note, he loved it! When he and Mom wanted to renew their vows for their 50th anniversary, he insisted the ceremony be there. All his daycare friends and staff loved it!
The head of admissions at an assisted living residence we considered for my father told me, “everyone thinks it’s too soon, until it’s too late.” So true
Thank you, Jen, for such an amazing video. My parents have both passed, so this painfully difficult period is over for me, but I was nodding along with so many of your insights. For anyone going through this, PLEASE take Jen's advice to stop "correcting" your loved one in cognitive decline. Their reality has changed. Find a way to meet them in their reality. It will make both of your lives much, much less stressful. During one nursing home visit to my Dad he cheerfully told me that my sister (who lives in another state) was also there with her students. They had just walked past his open door, he excitedly told me. I said "Great! Let's go find them." and rolled his wheelchair out of the room. In a minute or two I changed the subject and we had a nice visit - the sister-sighting forgotten. You & your family are doing an amazing job, Jen. Hang in there. ❤
I as well. I always feel like I could come up with a better idea. Or if "I do this" or "do that." One thing that worked out real well though is this... We went up to Yellowstone for a week. I planned for a different friend, grandkid, or relative to go see my mom everyday. It worked great. No one was overwhelmed and my mom really had fun. I think what made it work is... I put out the request/invite to everyone in one text thread. That way everyone could see which day had been "taken." It worked great!
My could not remember a thing but she remembered I took her car away!!! Also told her she had black mold from a leak in the house and assisted living would let her live there while they fixed the house. Did not ask about the house again after she moved. Learned to bend lots of truths to keep her happy and redirected.
I can’t believe you’re making these videos and that they showed up on my home page. I need this so much. I’m going thru this right now with my mom. She wants to live with me but I just can’t see this not taking a toll on my marriage and family. It makes me sad to tell her no. Thank you!!! Please make more videos - and hugs to you.
Thank you so much. I think my biggest struggle was making the decision to put my mom in a facility. But it really was a matter of my mental and physical health or hers. I can relate with you in many ways. My difference is that I have 11 siblings and half came after me. It was the most difficult time in my life. I literally thought about taking my life. But 4 years later there has been more support from siblings so I am so thankful. Your UA-cam videos have been so helpful. I’m grateful. Blessings to you. 💕
It took a while, but I finally realized that I needed to bend to my Dad's "reality." He was in assisted living and kept asking to go to the gift shop. I kept telling him that there was no gift shop until I realized that he was thinking he was in a hotel. I told him that the gift shop was closed, but we could go tomorrow, knowing that by tomorrow, he would have forgotten about it. The other advise is have checks and balances within the roles you and your siblings have taken on. Family dysfunction does not go away easily, and it rears its head even when you think you are all acting responsibly. Unfortunately, I know all too well.....
WOW! Never heard that. Even if you give 100%, it won't be enough. That makes so much sense. Both of my parents had to go to a care facility. I had so much guilt. I think you just erased most of it. I was an only child with 3 preteen children. No way I could have taken care of either of them. Thank you!
These videos are invaluable. My late mother suffered from dementia and died in 2014. Everything you have talked about is spot on in my experience. I'm sure some of my points will be mentioned by other commenters but the assisted living facility I was able to find for my mother did not have a nursing home/end of life care facility. After 2 years I was told the ALF could no longer handle my mother and she needed to go into a nursing home. Luckily I was able to find one that could take her; unfortunately it was a "crap hole" . A horrific place. My mom died 2 months after moving in there so that was somewhat of a blessing I suppose. At the end of my mother's life the pushback I got from doctors to extend her life was exhausting and frustrating. Thank god for an angel of a nurse at the hospital that overheard me arguing with a doctor, suggested I absolutely stand my ground and ask for a hospital patient advocate. Which I did and everything changed after that. I highly suggest anyone with a Medical POA request the same if your loved one's doctor and you disagree. I could go on and on. Finally all of this happened in my late 40s. It damn sure got me off my A$$ and I got my affairs in order: wills, POAs, DNR, long term care insurance, pre-paid cremation, decluttering, etc. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone most especially my adult children. THANK YOU!
Wow, really insightful info you shared here. Thank you! I didn't even know there was such a thing as a hospital patient advocate. Invaluable. And how wonderful that you're being so considerate of your adult children. My parents refused to discuss any of this with me when they were in their 70's and now that they're nearing 90 and every manner of illness, dementia, etc. has set in, my brother and I are so overburdened, it truly sucks. It's horrible teeter-tottering between grief at them losing their health and all the fun activities they used to enjoy, AND- resentment at having our lives overturned trying to manage their needs now. I don't wish it on anyone so I want to cheer for you that you are getting your affairs in order to spare your adult kids that nightmare. Which it truly is. Thanks again
@@elbee1290 Thank you for your kind words. It's like most things in life-you just don't know until you've been through it. Best of luck to you and your brother. ♥
Yes, we're in the same stages of life. My Dad, whom I love dearly, is well "something is wrong". He needs care. THe problem is he's very proud so to get cooperation is tough. I am preparing him foods. We put a lift stair chair on his steps. He can drive short distances and NOT at night. But he understands his mobility is limited. He still has his home. He's always taken care of other people so he just won't give up his house. I can't tell my DAD what to do. My daughter is busy with college so I am living with him. He says he's worked his whole life for this house. He knows if he went in assisted living; it would eat up his whole life savings in a heartbeat and, what if he feels they mistreat him there. He's very independent. So to anyone in this situation. It's tough. Blessings be with you because your trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.No one tells you this stuff that once your kids are grown, you may need to take care of your PARENTS????? Nope, no one mentioned this one to me. Best wishes with this situation.
Dear Lord thank you for sharing the details, the challenges and advice through a parent with dementia. We went through it and your sharing helps guide others and lessen all the guilt about how we handled it. It is never easy to see your parent 'lost'. Thank you
I appreciate your transparency in discussing the care of your mother. I am in a situation where my mother died in 2007, my father is now remarried and has dementia. He's only 72 but we've known for YEARS that his mental faculties are declining. My brother and I are in a situation where YEARS ago we asked he and his wife to put legal paperwork in place (wills, POA, medical POA, etc) and they've not done it. In fact, they've all but refused and said they do not need our help. It's a terrible situation. Your discussion about "the big incident" is where I fear we are headed. And we feel helpless. We know from one appointment to the next that his cognitive test declines, but that's all we know. We are not included in appointments and his wife continues to insist this is "just getting older." So frustrating and I have no idea what the next step should be. I will look into your resources in the notes of this video. Thank you again for the honest content that I know is not easy to curate on this topic.
I was with my husband and mother through terminal cancer, and my father through undiagnosed dementia. His Dr specialized in elder care but never witnessed Dad's increasingly frequent episodes. Eventually, the big event happened ..... he fell and hit his head on concrete, causing a brain bleed. He had successful surgery. His Dr kept telling us he would recover. However, it became clear that the Dr was only seeing him while he was " asleep." I finally cornered the Dr and told him that my Dad was mostly unconscious, not sleeping. The next day, he recommended hospice care. Dad died 10 days later. I'm grateful that I was able to help my family .... but it's all hard.
Thank you, thank you. It is so important to share experiences so others can understand. Mum was a difficult narcissistic woman but, as is often the case as the dementia took hold she switched personalities and became a scared, little old lady. I had to do everything from halfway round the world, my brother (who lived a 4 hour drive away from her) was in denial. She had been a widow for 35 years, and when I married she lived a lone for 29 years. She already had someone visit 3 times a week but I increased it to daily home visits. I arranged assessments which she was furious about. Because of the time difference I would stay up until 1:00am to phone the Social Workers/ caregivers as it was an 8 hour time difference. Your words about bladder and bowel rang true. One of the ladies who did the daily visits came in to find Mum had had diarrhea and didn’t understand what had happened. It was heartbreaking. She was admitted to hospital. I flew back (from theUS to England) and had 9 days to find a place and get the house as cleared out as much as possible. I dreaded bringing it up with her but on the second day of my visit she said “I really like it here (the hospital), I have so many friends (the nurses and other patients), I am lonely in the other place (her home).” So I said would you like to live in a place like this with many friends, and she responded “yes……. can you arrange that”. I almost burst into tears. BTW she had been telling the nurses that her niece was visiting her … she never had a niece. I wasn’t able to be there for the actual move but a team was assembled to take care of her move. Words can never express by gratitude to them. I had been told that her life expectancy was a year at most. She lasted 6 months but in that time she was in the company of caring people who took care of her, who sent me regular updates including photos of her joining in the singalongs (she loved to sing) and even dancing. For the first 2 months we spoke weekly on the phone but it got harder for her to understand the concept. Brother remained in denial. After her estate was settled he basically stopped communicating. There was only the two of us, so that was sad but I knew in my heart I had done the best for Mum.
My husband and I had his mother in our house for one year. 4 months into her living with us, we recognized that something was off. We were blessed to get an appointment with a neurologist 90 days later who gave the vascular dementia diagnosis and the neurologist was very transparent about the prognosis and guided us to finding a day program. The neurologist said the same to us that we needed to take care of ourselves first and that we needed to understand that she would need more care than we could provide but having that day program would give us a buffer. Unfortunately once the day program closed, she refused to go to another one and we had to move her into a nursing facility.
Jen, I’m so engrossed in your stories and advice. My IRL friends and I are all about your same age, and most of us are also going through the process of helping our parents with their health issues, downsizing, etc.-all the challenges of these life stages. Hearing you talk is like sitting in on a conversation with a wise, trusted friend. I’m sorry for all that you and your family are going through, and at the same time, I’m so grateful you’re sharing about it. It makes me feel less alone! And, your advice is so, so helpful! Thank you! ❤❤❤
Thank you for your bravery and kindness toward your Mum…Best wishes to you, your Mum and family …I loved the closeness that this hardship has brought for you and your siblings!
This is all excellent advice. I have been through it with an elderly aunt that I cared for, and that move went fairly smoothly. I was lucky that she asked first help finding a retirement home. I thought she would be going into independent living, but when my dad brought her from her home, in Montreal, to Ottawa, where I live, to “look” at places he did not bring her walker, the raised toilet seat and it quickly became apparent that she had a system in her apartment, but she could not live in independent living. Three years later we had to move to an “extended care” facility, because she needed more hands-on support. She had mild dementia, but lucky for me went willingly, and was there for 3 years before her death. We quickly learned to let her lead the conversation when we visited. Some of the stories were 100% true, but 20 years previously. Two years ago my husband was diagnosed with dementia, he was 74 and I was 70, as well as a host of other physical ailments. He was in the military for 37 years, and thank god, our Veterans Affairs stepped up to the plate with incredible home care support, 24 hour a day in home support for a little over a month. Then they had a bed in the Veterans Health Care facility. It is ranked in the top 10 facilities in Canada. I thank god every day, because the care is excellent, and mostly, that he is content. He is mostly non communicative, but I visit 6 days a week to feed him his supper and watch TV. He still tells me he loves me each day as I am leaving. You have to look after yourself, give yourself grace and take it one day at a time. Thanks for sharing Jen❤❤❤
Great series! I really agree, appreciate and empathize. I unexpectedly lost my Father 6 years ago, he was doing everything in the home for my Mother who had an undiagnosed mental issue. Suddenly my Mother was in the home alone refusing to cook, clean and take care of her daily needs. I live 30 miles away and my sister and I took turns checking on Mom daily at lunch and bringing meals. Fast forward to ‘the big event” and in addition we were in a pandemic. The hospital would not discharge Mom home and now (my Mother refused earlier and I didn’t have family support to force placement) we took her straight from the hospital to assisted living. She NEVER returned to her home. Even in AL Mom Dominated our lives, we could NEVER give enough. One piece of advice I Would offer is to have boundaries with your parent. Do not jump In and do the work that you are paying AL to do, most are understaffed and will gladly let you take it on and your parent will expect it and refuse the help from staff. Example; laundry, cleaning, showering. In addition, I have felt the judgment from others vocally criticizing the fact we didn’t move Mom in. From my Aunt to my sister in law and many in between. So Unnecessary as the emotion surrounding this issue is so broad and personal, guilt is real and doesn’t need to be heaped on by others. My Mother passed 9/21/24 and the years of leading her care have taken a toll. My sister and I say we have PTSD, I am really working on healing and making changes personally to avoid putting my children through this awful turmoil.
Thank you for saying that about PTSD. You said what I'm afraid to say. It's seems dramatic, but I feel the same. My parents' health and finances have dominated my life since 2018. And it's taken a toll on my 17 year old daughter as well. 😢
My husband just died in July after many many years with FTD/Alzheimer's. I miss him terribly. Being a caregiver to someone with dementia is the hardest thing one can endure. I was his 24/7 until close to the very end when he went into a facility with hospice. ❤️
As mother started exhibiting signs I put camera up all over so I could make sure she was safe. As she stopped being able to use phone I started chatting with her several times thru day. It was a huge peace of mind to put eyeballs on her and chat to make sure she was ok. She was in retirement living so safe put still needed to make sure she was safe in her unit.
My parents didnt have dementia but were mentally ill and in their elder years got worse! I am an only child and glad of it because it seems there is always one kid that ends up taking care of most everything anyway and i didn't have anyone argue with my decisions! But it was an exausting nightmare! I am so glad its over! I will never be the same! But what i have learned has been very valuable! I am hoping we die fast and our kids dont have to go through any of what we went through.
Thank you! My brother and I are in the middle of navigating all of this and you provide so many common sense strategies. Now I don't feel so lost and alone.
Thank you for the video. Ive been dealing with my Mom who has dementia for 3 years. I dread putting her in a home when she gets worse - these homes are horrible, they are feed horrible food, not cared for, barely washed, despite the almost $18K monthly price tag. Glad people have found a good place for their loved one..I'm going to try and keep my Mom with me for as long as possible.
Yes I agree....these places ARE horrible. I keep wondering why no one has done an Expose on this topic of neglect/abuse at nursing/rehab centers and the like....the elder abuse, the ignoring of patients needs, letting them sit in soiled diapers all day, let's not even discuss the food which is beyond bad to the point of being revolting, and then them giving patients laxatives but not answering the call bell to help them get to the bathroom, so the poor patient has to suffer the indignity of soiling their bed, clothes, etc. while feeling humiliated when the person they share the room with covers their face to not smell the stench....it's sub-human, and we've had our elder in various places, all with huge price tags. No one seems to care, and we are being gaslit and treated as if we're prima donnas when we complain to management at these places. Someone really needs to expose this, like in a Sixty Minutes episode.
I'm an Activity Coordinator for Assisted Living and Memory Care facility. Your video will be helpful to so many family members who want to care for their declining relative but don't know how to start. The *best* advice you gave was to not argue with them. Meeting them where they are is the key. Arguing causes strife for everyone involved.
I'm right where you are. I'm on about the same timeframe with my mom. She's been in assisted living since February 2023. She says that she's ready to go home now. -That she can take care of herself. I listen to your videos just nodding my head. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting navigating all this while trying to lovingly give your parent their dignity.
Such good advice about "the big incident." And yes, keep doing the next right move. Keep doing what's best, safest, go with your gut. And... so very good about "let them wind down." My mom will call me in an all out anxiety attack. (Where's dad, where's my mom, where's my home, where's my stuff.) Poor thing. I'm getting better about "walking through" with her. I've finally stopped trying to "talk" her out of her current crisis.
Jennifer, you're my new YT "sister." I'm not a real administrative, go-getter type of person. My siblings are so thankful that I'm handling everything concerning my parents, but hearing you talk about how all this is like being a "project manager" IS SO TRUE. My husband leads a midsize electrical contracting company. So I know a little about project managing. Your comment was very affirming to me. (I often feel quite "alone.") I've homeschooled all my kids K-12. Nothing, nothing compares to what a I've been through with BOTH my parents now. Some days, I kind of feel like, I don't know who I am anymore. 😢 Okay... enough whining. Hugs and gratitude from Flagstaff. 🙏🏻 🏔️ 🌲
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this. I am going through this with my Mom, but her issues stem from bitterness over an incident with a sibling 50 yrs ago! She eventually pushed her 8 siblings away, her grandchildren and myself. I was designated her POA, personal representative, executor. After Dad died, she became more vicious. Anyone I hire - from roof, to drywall, to lawncare - she finds a reason to be suspicious, fires them. She has even physically grabbed me and thrown things. Always angry and demanding. For a long time, I backed out of events and recreation with my 21 grandchildren and my 7 kids because of her demands. But my eyes were eventually opened by several nurses who were observing. Since listening today, I've been taking down notes and listing concerns to bring up to her doctor. Thank you!
@@KGW_Park hello, While my father isn’t doing the same things, some are similar. Recently we went back to an excellent neurologist. I write notes ahead of time to give the doctor before the visit. This visit we got a medications for acute and long term ( anxiety, behavior and wandering). This is such a tough road for a family. Your involvement, at any level, is a gift of love. Be kind to you.
Jennifer ~ you articulate/communicate SO much of what my sister & I experienced, and you’ve done it beautifully. So much so, I had tears while watching. These videos will be more helpful than you know. God bless you and your family.💕
Just lost my mom to dementia. We went through exactly what you did except my mom kept falling at the ALF so my sister and I had to figure what was next. We found a family home setting that turned out to be such a blessing. She died less than a year later. It was the hardest thing I ever did was navigating her treatment through the stages of dementia. She fought us every step of the way. I’m still grieving.
Thank you for reminding us that some people's minds are lying to them. It's easy to forget that dementia is an illness. Even without a dementia diagnosis, most of us will find it difficult to admit that we can no longer manage life as we once did. The added burden of mental illness makes that admission even more difficult.
Yes the first thing you needed to do is look after you. Listing to this it brings me back to the days I looked after my mother n law with Dementia. We put her in adult day care three days a week and I worked pt.
You are teaching others who need this as a life line! Everyone Who hears this should know, this woman speaks truth! It was the hardest time of my life but today I have NO REGRETS. Being a caregiver for a loved one is a calling of epic proportions. Wish you were here to teach me this 5 years ago.
Not to be ridiculous but I wish I had MYSELF to say this 5 years ago too!! It's why I felt so strongly about making the videos. I needed these lessons!! Thanks for the kind words.
Making these videos and supporting other caregivers has been on my heart since my Dad and then my Mom’s aging with Alz. and Dementia, downsizing and ultimately passing on. I am now on the brink of guiding my MIL on her journey of “growing old gracefully” at age 95. Whew!
So helpful my boyfriend and I currently trying to navigate these uncharted waters with his mom … who is newly widowed and now in early stages of dimensia
Watched my Mother-in-law struggle through Dementia until she died. It was definitely harder on the loved ones. The beginning stages are gut wrenching, heartbreaking,devastating seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months. Until…… they reach the stage of dementia where they remember LESS, which in turn makes us even more sad. It is such a cruel disease with so many different stages that they bounce back and forth between…until the “slide” happens. Love to all who are or have gone through this.😢❤❤❤❤
Thank you for these videos! Although my mother has a terminal *physically* debilitating disease, my family has had to navigate some of the same issues: helping her to realize she was no longer able to drive, searching for assisted living, etc. She and my dad are in denial about how much longer they will be able to continue in their lifestyle, and your advice about *just listening* without trying to use logic is fantastic. It is so important to preserve a person's dignity and allow as much autonomy as is safe.
Great advice! We had to tell my father-in-law that the VA was paying for his assisted living place in order to get him to stay. So, I resonated with you in saying whatever it takes to be at their level. My husband to this day feels guilty about all the lying, So, I'm going to remind him you had to do it in order to keep him safe.
We used the same scenario when my dad went into assisted living. Whatever it takes to keep your family member from being upset is way more important than how “lying” makes you feel. We had to learn that lesson, too.
❤️ Your message at the end made me let out a big sigh of relief. It's the conclusion both my brother, myself and our spouses have had to settle on. Our health and our individual families, first. My parents get what they get, at this point. We poured so much into the beginning of summer, TRYING EVERYTHING just to have it all backfire (although we came out wiser and with a pocket full of tools when we finally get to use them). We had to move on. On the topic of "the big incident" . . . Don't wait to take those keys away. My aunts waited too long. My mom was on the other side of the country, pleading with them to take the car away. They didn't, because chauffeuring her around would be a pain for them. The "big incident" took my gram's life. So, when it came to the point where my mom then needed to have the keys taken away, one time of getting lost and my Dad made the decision, thank goodness!! At least he's done that. The rest . . . ((Sigh))
Not my parents, but a friend of over 30 plus years, and this is so right and spot on with the problems. The friend has no children , only cousin/s in another country. Finally he had to go into dementia care. He did give up his keys as he felt there was something wrong. Now we are clearing out 80 odd years of buying "stuff"... it is traumatic .I go there to clear, have to leave , in tears again. I was blessed that my parents did not have dementia.
Jen, I love the name of your channel! You are a great problem solver. We have no children of our own but, if we did, I would want my daughter to be just like you. I would feel safe and not fear growing older. My grandmother had dementia, but not my mother, thank goodness. That was a true blessing during her last years. I know people who have or have had loved ones with dementia, and it is very difficult to deal with. You are an inspiration to those going through it. God bless you for sharing such personal experiences. You are doing God’s work by doing so. Thank you❣️
From the UK. Today I came across your channel and watched the previous video. Thank you for sharing. My mother in law was diagnosed 3 years ago. My father in law is her main carer. We have been trying to future proof both of them to protect him as a proud elderly man. Unfortunately it has been hard to get him to listen to, not just us, but also professionals when it comes to her care before a crisis. If anyone is in the same position as me, don’t give in (in a caring way) - you are doing everything you can in this horrible situation. We did get both medical and financial POA for both of them a long time ago - future proofing. We explained it as being an advocate for their care just in case something should happen to either of them. I could go on but again thank you for sharing and showing me that what we’re trying to do is ok. 🏴
Much love to you. We are in the same situation. Dad won't listen to the "proof" and we can't move on things because he ultimately has POA for my mother, before us. It's frustrating, but we are educating ourselves and have things ready if/when Dad decides it's time that our mother needs more care than he can provide. It's difficult to sit back and watch the inevitable. Take care of yourselves, in the meantime.
Thank you for sharing this experience and your resources. My family is in the earlier stages of dealing with dementia and I've been needing to hear exactly this. Thank you
I am closer to your age than your mother's but am retired and was the caregiver for both of my parents. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your story. I am sharing your video's with my adult kids to help them with me, for when the time comes. The lessons you are sharing are helpful wether there is dementia or other aging related issues.
I worked in healthcare over 22 yrs in health care and worked mostly with pts who were not only physically but also had mental disabilities including dementia and alzthimers . Mornings are always the best time for people with dementia they seem better at remembering things who people are and carrying on a cinversation as the day progresses and they become tired thats when youll notice they cant carry on conversation to well or rember who a person is. I did this with the dementia pts i had and it was amazing how it works. They may not rember from one day to the next who the current president maybe but if you spend time and start looking at old pictures they may have talking to them bout what it was like for them growing up brothers and sisters children people they met or dated even putting music on they know and grew up to it triggers memory of these times and they will tell you amazing things bout growing up when they did. Its like seeing them before dementia took over. Im not a dr or expert but read bout type of thearpy and used it and is amazing the results you can get
🥰 This is the exact lessons we also had when my mother in law got sick with alzheimer´s. Thank you for charing. Love from Sweden! (And no, my mother in law did not do the Swedish death cleaning before she got sick so I very much understand your video where you are angry about having to deal with all the stuff instead of seeing your mother) ❤
I've heard from a few of you from Sweden and all have said the same thing - yes this is a tradition we do and NO we don't all do it either! I think it's a human problem, truly. Thank you for your kind words!
As a mid 70 yr old, I've gone through the years of parent (and parent-in-law) care. Yet even though they planned ahead, did all they could to prepare, and for the most part, were graceful in their transitions, it was still so challenging. I so appreciated your thoughts. You've reminded us to do our homework and to prepare for our own transitions. Hoping for the grace to allow our children guide us through this maze. Thank you, Jen.
You captured all of this so well. Your approach of not arguing is something I've adopted, too. I try to restate things that are true but that don't promise any upholding of her status quo. Exploring the practice of non-violent communication has helped me embrace this.
Oh man! We are almost in the same exact situation. Thank you so so so very much for sharing! We are right in the exact same position, safety is our concern! We are trying right now to make the hard decisions! God bless you! 💙🙏💙🙏💙
I can’t thank you enough as this is the first channel I’ve found on dealing with a parent with dementia! Appreciate you covering all the steps! Oh what a challenge.
Love ya Jen and praying for you and your family 🫶🏼 I’m an SLP that worked in memory care units pre-Covid, your point about safety+dignity is so important and well put!
Am I allowed to acknowledge the thousands who do make the choice to take care of their aging parents in their homes? I don't think we want to make anyone feel guilty for doing that. The frustration is real. I have been in church settings that would never think of not taking care of their parents. For myself, I don't regret a day spent with a very sweet dad that died with Alzheimer's. He wasn't difficult at all, and I felt privileged for him to trust me, to help with his toileting needs and personal care. It was the utmost trust. He was easy to love. The FB Alzheimer's support group, was invaluable along the way. We had some of our closest moments and hearty laughter - I wouldn't trade it for the world! Often, we can do far more than we think we can. I did hire a hospice nurse for help the last few weeks.
I wish I had seen this video six years ago. 1000% thank you. You did exactly what I did for my mom, but did this by myself. Thank you for the videos. I share them with friends at the beginning of their journey with a parent.
Thank you so much, Olivia! I've always been one to be super calm in the midst of the chaos (and have my well deserved breakdown later) so I knew filming DURING the mess was the way to go.
I’ve been through this and you explained and provided guidance beautifully! Both my parents passed in 2012, 30 days apart. It was tough but there love carried me through even though they didn’t remember who I was. God bless you and your family through this difficult time.
I'm 79 and found your video very informative, thoughtful of your mom, and did your best for her. I hope my children never have to deal with this situation with myself or my husband. But if they do I hope they do it like you with love and grace.❤
My husband is 75, I am 73. We are both active and healthy. There is a 3-5 year waiting list for the senior living situation we are planning on. It offers everything from independent living through assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing care. We are making plans now to get on the waiting list for independent living. We plan to move at least by the time my husband is 80. We want to spare our children from having to “put us in a home”. We prefer to make these decisions ourselves if at all possible. We went through hell with my in-laws, getting them moved into assisted living. I will not put my kids through this. I so appreciate you sharing your experiences as this reinforces the decisions we’ve made.
I tell my kids all the time, the day you tell me that I need hearing aids, is the day I make an appointment with an audiologist. Kind of the same idea. (I'm only 57, but my mom has fought us on everything. -And has for so long.)
And when you can't make any headway back up and wait for another time! I should have put that in there too. Not everything is an emergency (although it can feel that way).
Jen, what a powerful message!!! Bless you for sharing your wisdom and understanding of this important issue. I believe it will help a lot of folks who are struggling with this right now! Hubby & I are amazed how many baby boomers going thru this right now 🙏🏽😇🫶🙋🏽♀️
Thankyou for doing this…I needed to hear this about 15 yrs ago with my mom. She gave me SO much and I still feel like I let her down and didn’t do enough. It’s a heart wrenching time being squeezed by ill parents and trying to maintain your job and looking after a spouse and three kids. The guilt never leaves. I hope she forgives me😢Alice
I live in phoenix and have had wrong way drivers on roads and freeways suffering from dementia which can be very scary not only for the person with dementia but the cars they are heading towards and glad you did take her keys for her safety.
Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to talk about these issues, I found it really helpful and freeing. I lost both of my parents just over a year ago (three and a half months apart and my Dad had dementia) and it was incredibly stressful and traumatic and I still feel guilt that I did not do enough. I was their main carer and my only brother lives overseas. My husband and I ended a 30 year marriage earlier that year so I navigated the care arrangements and end of life stuff on my own. When you said towards the end of the video that no matter how much you give it will never be enough, I just cried. I realised the truth of it and it helped to set me free to know I did what I could
Hi Jen. I wish so much that I had this resource when I was going through things with my mom. There were so many health issues going on. She lived close to a couple of her sisters and other extended family members. But none of her 3 daughters lived close to her. We would talk to her often, but only saw her maybe 2 or 3 times a year. When I would ask about things with her health, I would get the typical "my doctor says I'm fine, just old and fat". Unbeknownst to any of us, she was never going to the doctor and had cancelled her medicare supplement insurance as well as her life insurance policies. I feel certain she had been told that she was diabetic, and that's probably when she stopped going to the doctor. We had "the big event" (as you called it) and my aunts told me that they were no longer able to take care of her. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that I had one sister who couldn't help and another sister who refused to help. So it all fell on me. I had to make all of the decisions and make all of the arrangements as well as physically be there when she needed anything. Of course, the sisters and aunts took turns criticizing the choices made and kept telling me what I should have done. It really took a mental and emotional toll on me. I am blessed to have an extremely supportive husband and I could not have made it through all of that season without him. She ended up being hospitalized after "the big event" and the doctor who treated her would only release her to a skilled nursing facility. We had an assessment done while she was in the facility and due to many factors (mobility issues, medications, etc.), it was highly recommended that she have either in-home care or move into assisted living. Our home was not a viable place for her, so we moved her into assisted living. I went through a lot of the things you have described with taking the car away, conversations about when she could go home, encouraging her to do the PT that was prescribed, etc. The visible dementia issues started about a year after going into assisted living and she became more and more confrontational and belligerent. We had her for 3 1/2 years after "the big event". But, as I've told so many friends and family since then, I lost my mom well before that. Having to be the main caregiver for a parent and managing everything in their life creates an entirely different relationship - one that I was not prepared for. I don't think any of us are. I will be praying for you and your family - and especially for your mom - as you all navigate this road.
I am 36 but because of my mom passing found myself in late 2019 earl 2020 the primary caretaker for her parents one with cancer & other Alzheimer's. The decisions are many & so hard. Both health decisions & financial on top of protecting your mental & emotional well being while the world is falling apart. Your video brought back so many memories of caretaking & I agree with everything you said. Grace to you- it's a rough journey and very humbling.
Very helpful video. My family is dealing with Lewy Body Dementia in my uncle. After several very scary incidents, he was finally put in an assisted living facility. I FaceTimed with him yesterday but he unfortunately had no idea who I was. Otherwise, he still looks well and seems to have good accommodations, which is comforting.
Thank you for sharing your story. My dad ended up with caregiver stress taking care of my mom with dementia. So we ended up with him in the hospital and my sister and I living with my mom. After my dad’s doctors told him they had to move we already had a place so we were able to move fast. It’s so emotionally draining.
This one could not have come at a better time. Thank you so much especially for your supportive wise words about taking care of yourself. I’m keeping this one to pass along to friends. Also keeping in mind what we can do now for our children down the road. It’s a lot, but so important.
My husband does not have dementia but he had a mild stroke a few months ago and any appointment that he has, I go with him and take notes. I keep the notes from each doctor visit in a file at home.. Helps a lot when looking back on what they said. Maybe you could do that and tell your Mom when she forgets what was said from her appointments. Jen, you have explained your situation and we all learn and benefit from your experiences. One never knows when we will be in your place and I look forward to your wisdom and advice.
Jen, your series is giving excellent information. I wish I'd had this information when my parents were aging. You're providing a wonderful service. It's too late for me, but you'll help many others through a terrible journey. X
Jen, I don’t know if you’ll see this, but your story so far, mirrors mine with my dad, who lived in the south Phoenix area. After my mom had passed away, he did okay for the first couple years, but gradually he was having memory issues. I live in Texas & found I had to fly there to do things like file his taxes or pay his property insurance that he didn’t do and was having to put out many important fires. He refused to come to TX, stop driving or move. I had ALL the same concerns you did about him getting hurt or killing others in a car accident etc. Let me tell you a game changer: with MUCH guilt & trepidation, we visited him at Thanksgiving & I put a camera in his house (because he wouldn’t always answer the phone) and it saved his life when he had ‘the big incident’. Long story short, we got him near us in TX in an assisted living facility at age 88 last year (what a nightmare to find a decent one), and I would HIGHLY encourage you to put a camera in your mom’s room you can view from your phone. My dad fell twice & at least once I could see what happened, the 2nd time, he was out of range of the camera until I saw him fall. I could check on him 24 hours a day & ensure he was okay when I wasn’t hanging out with him. And, I could monitor the staff to make sure they were taking care of him. He never knew it was in the room as he would have not wanted it, but as you said, you just have to do those things. Anyway, you’re doing great and I can totally empathize with you. Thanks for sharing.
I hope she finds comfort in her new place and contentment! I must say I am so happy that as siblings you have come together. My Brother avoided coming home the entire last year of her life and awful health situations. She was with me as I was her caretaker. After she passed he told me he didn’t want to see her fragile. (Deep breath) Be proud of yourself for caring, for making the hard decisions and sharing this difficult journey.
In caring for my grandmother (I'm an only child of an only child who passed away in '08), after her Long Term Care policy expired the best option for her was to set up a reverse mortgage to help pay for in-home care. We ended up only needing it for 6 months before she broker her (other) hip and ended up with Covid. They were REALLY quick to collect but there are a ton of safeguards in place to make it a very legit option.
I would much prefer to not have to talk about this at all and have mom be still at home but thriving, but sharing the story is what she would want and I'm hoping it can help somebody. Thanks, Liam!
Safety and dignity needs to be stated. Safety is crucial but cannot be the only focus. Great information and tips. We are at the beginning stages for my mom’s dementia Dx. Thank you.
Thank you. Well done! Been there and I don’t think anyone is fully prepared. Wish I’d seen more of this topic videos before I found myself in a similar position. You were fortunate that your siblings were on board and that they weren’t in denial about the diagnosis. I wish you many more good times with your Mom. I’m sure you treasure each one. Again - thanks! Super advice from a fresh perspective!
Very good video and thanks for sharing all of that information in such a detailed fashion and from a personal perspective. My mom is 84 and I'm almost 66. My mom is still driving and living alone closer to my only sibling, my brother. I live 40 minutes away down a mountain. For the last 4 or 5 years I have been helping her more and more with things as her memory is not as good as it used to be. She doesn't have full blown dementia yet. She still manages some bills and goes to a few doctor appointments alone (not all). But I know it's just a matter of time before we have to deal with a similar situation.
I missed the previous video but plan to watch it too. I apologize if you mentioned this resource which helped my brother and I greatly called the SPECAL method of communicating with loved ones who have dementia. I binge watched videos on it and ordered some resources from the organization. Using the SPECAL method changed everything for how I relate to and help mom. I have a very good idea what you are experiencing except my brother and I share the care for our 86 y/o mother. She does not have the resources for independent living. My brother lives 4 hours away and my sister-in-law is great. We've been doing this for about 3 years now and it was sooo hard for the first two years. My health, family relationships, and work, all suffered, so I appreciate how you ended the video with the reminder that giving everything will, still, never be enough.
Thank you. I’ve already had a mild stroke, many other health issues. I’ve told my children to not listen to me if I put up a fight. I hope I take my own keys to them and help them find an assisted living facility.
you are fortunate to have siblings to present a united front, despite any past issues. i think its different as a spouse with no kids to help. So this really is helpful to know what to look out for. I'm already concerned about the driving, and we have large disagreements about stuff he agreed to then "changed his mind" (such as downsizing, selling stuff, etc). I potentially have a long, lonely road ahead.
Thank you for sharing. You are blessed to have siblings who help. My brother does not. Unfortunately, we did not avoid the big incident with my dad. His was more like a psychotic break and it happened really fast. Even the doctors were surprised. Two and a half years later he is still in memory care, but more balanced mentally thanks to medication. It’s so hard.
Your story is so similar to to mine. Thank you for sharing. Dad passed away in January after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 yrs ago. The hardest thing we had to do was placing him in a long term facility. I still feel guilty but know it was the right thing to do. He needed more care than we could provide. Thanks again for sharing and hopes it helps at least one person.
Such a terrible thing for anyone to have go through,but you can sort of understand how she felt about the car. We’re at that stage with my dad…he lives on his own and we think he should stop driving it’s a tricky situation. It gives him his independence and I get that,but he’s not really capable.. Your doing a great job….you and your siblings….👍🇬🇧
Thank you for explaining that people with dementia need more care than an untrained adult can offer. My mother-in-law is in assisted living with dementia, and so many people have judged my husband and I for not moving her into our home. I know we made the right decision despite the criticism.
Yes, it's unimaginable and literally EVERY professional we talked to told us not to try. You absolutely did the right thing!
My 2cents? You absolutely made the right choice. It's for her safety and your sanity.
You made the right choice. You can't control what other people think. Many people are driven by fear and ignorance, not their fault, but true none the less.
They just don't understand. -But I do.
I'm sorry dear one. 😢
So much judgement for sure. I get the same.
I am going to be 70 next year and live alone. I know your channel is geared towards caregivers, but I'm finding them useful. Recently I approached my son about the possibility that I may one day not be able to stay in my home alone. My son is my only child. He is recently married and they have a new born. I'm enjoying the new role of grandmother and at the same time dreading being a burden on him. Your videos so far have been food for thought. Thank you
And most of all thank you for protecting your mother's dignity.
You will prepare well and your son will know how to best care for you. You sound like a wonderfully considerate person.
@@MadonnaoftheGinkoLeaves your son is lucky to have you as is your grandchild. I know he appreciates you thinking of the future.
This is me too. I am 54 and my only child is 19. When I do the math, I realize she may just be entering her adult prime with a career and/or children at the same time I need more direct care. So Swedish Death cleaning, preparing my elderly care and setting up my funeral are huge priorities. It's the last gift I'll be able to give her.
You can hope for the best. My dad lived independently until the end of his life at nearly 90.
@@MyFocusVaries Although that's lovely and something we would all love, I think it's super important that we have a plan should that not be possible. Just like all the other stages in our lives, we. have to prepare for being old. It's commendable to do so.
When we enrolled my Dad in Adult Daycare, I had the doctor write it as a prescription. When Dad protested, I showed him the prescription and said that I had to do it because the doctor ordered it. He was fine with that because his generation never questioned what the doctor ordered. And just as a side note, he loved it! When he and Mom wanted to renew their vows for their 50th anniversary, he insisted the ceremony be there. All his daycare friends and staff loved it!
@@KarenEverett-u2x love your post!
Wonderful!
And yes, my mom never questions her doctor. Great point ! 🙌🏻
One of the few times not questioning is a good thing.
The head of admissions at an assisted living residence we considered for my father told me, “everyone thinks it’s too soon, until it’s too late.” So true
Thank you, Jen, for such an amazing video. My parents have both passed, so this painfully difficult period is over for me, but I was nodding along with so many of your insights. For anyone going through this, PLEASE take Jen's advice to stop "correcting" your loved one in cognitive decline. Their reality has changed. Find a way to meet them in their reality. It will make both of your lives much, much less stressful. During one nursing home visit to my Dad he cheerfully told me that my sister (who lives in another state) was also there with her students. They had just walked past his open door, he excitedly told me. I said "Great! Let's go find them." and rolled his wheelchair out of the room. In a minute or two I changed the subject and we had a nice visit - the sister-sighting forgotten. You & your family are doing an amazing job, Jen. Hang in there. ❤
This is so true, “even if you gave everything, it would not be enough”.
I needed so badly to hear that!
I as well. I always feel like I could come up with a better idea. Or if "I do this" or "do that."
One thing that worked out real well though is this...
We went up to Yellowstone for a week. I planned for a different friend, grandkid, or relative to go see my mom everyday. It worked great. No one was overwhelmed and my mom really had fun.
I think what made it work is... I put out the request/invite to everyone in one text thread. That way everyone could see which day had been "taken." It worked great!
My could not remember a thing but she remembered I took her car away!!! Also told her she had black mold from a leak in the house and assisted living would let her live there while they fixed the house. Did not ask about the house again after she moved. Learned to bend lots of truths to keep her happy and redirected.
I've heard black mold and termites are the main reason people end up in assisted living (and good job:)
I can’t believe you’re making these videos and that they showed up on my home page. I need this so much. I’m going thru this right now with my mom. She wants to live with me but I just can’t see this not taking a toll on my marriage and family. It makes me sad to tell her no. Thank you!!! Please make more videos - and hugs to you.
Thank you so much. I think my biggest struggle was making the decision to put my mom in a facility. But it really was a matter of my mental and physical health or hers. I can relate with you in many ways. My difference is that I have 11 siblings and half came after me. It was the most difficult time in my life. I literally thought about taking my life. But 4 years later there has been more support from siblings so I am so thankful. Your UA-cam videos have been so helpful. I’m grateful. Blessings to you. 💕
It took a while, but I finally realized that I needed to bend to my Dad's "reality." He was in assisted living and kept asking to go to the gift shop. I kept telling him that there was no gift shop until I realized that he was thinking he was in a hotel. I told him that the gift shop was closed, but we could go tomorrow, knowing that by tomorrow, he would have forgotten about it. The other advise is have checks and balances within the roles you and your siblings have taken on. Family dysfunction does not go away easily, and it rears its head even when you think you are all acting responsibly. Unfortunately, I know all too well.....
"Even if you gave everything it would not be enough". So very true.
WOW! Never heard that. Even if you give 100%, it won't be enough. That makes so much sense. Both of my parents had to go to a care facility. I had so much guilt. I think you just erased most of it. I was an only child with 3 preteen children. No way I could have taken care of either of them. Thank you!
These videos are invaluable. My late mother suffered from dementia and died in 2014. Everything you have talked about is spot on in my experience. I'm sure some of my points will be mentioned by other commenters but the assisted living facility I was able to find for my mother did not have a nursing home/end of life care facility. After 2 years I was told the ALF could no longer handle my mother and she needed to go into a nursing home. Luckily I was able to find one that could take her; unfortunately it was a "crap hole" . A horrific place. My mom died 2 months after moving in there so that was somewhat of a blessing I suppose.
At the end of my mother's life the pushback I got from doctors to extend her life was exhausting and frustrating. Thank god for an angel of a nurse at the hospital that overheard me arguing with a doctor, suggested I absolutely stand my ground and ask for a hospital patient advocate. Which I did and everything changed after that. I highly suggest anyone with a Medical POA request the same if your loved one's doctor and you disagree. I could go on and on.
Finally all of this happened in my late 40s. It damn sure got me off my A$$ and I got my affairs in order: wills, POAs, DNR, long term care insurance, pre-paid cremation, decluttering, etc. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone most especially my adult children. THANK YOU!
Wow, really insightful info you shared here. Thank you! I didn't even know there was such a thing as a hospital patient advocate. Invaluable. And how wonderful that you're being so considerate of your adult children. My parents refused to discuss any of this with me when they were in their 70's and now that they're nearing 90 and every manner of illness, dementia, etc. has set in, my brother and I are so overburdened, it truly sucks. It's horrible teeter-tottering between grief at them losing their health and all the fun activities they used to enjoy, AND- resentment at having our lives overturned trying to manage their needs now. I don't wish it on anyone so I want to cheer for you that you are getting your affairs in order to spare your adult kids that nightmare. Which it truly is. Thanks again
@@elbee1290 Thank you for your kind words. It's like most things in life-you just don't know until you've been through it. Best of luck to you and your brother.
♥
@@quickflip7185 Thank you so much!
Yes, we're in the same stages of life. My Dad, whom I love dearly, is well "something is wrong". He needs care. THe problem is he's very proud so to get cooperation is tough. I am preparing him foods. We put a lift stair chair on his steps. He can drive short distances and NOT at night. But he understands his mobility is limited. He still has his home. He's always taken care of other people so he just won't give up his house. I can't tell my DAD what to do. My daughter is busy with college so I am living with him. He says he's worked his whole life for this house. He knows if he went in assisted living; it would eat up his whole life savings in a heartbeat and, what if he feels they mistreat him there. He's very independent. So to anyone in this situation. It's tough. Blessings be with you because your trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.No one tells you this stuff that once your kids are grown, you may need to take care of your PARENTS????? Nope, no one mentioned this one to me. Best wishes with this situation.
Dear Lord thank you for sharing the details, the challenges and advice through a parent with dementia. We went through it and your sharing helps guide others and lessen all the guilt about how we handled it. It is never easy to see your parent 'lost'. Thank you
I appreciate your transparency in discussing the care of your mother. I am in a situation where my mother died in 2007, my father is now remarried and has dementia. He's only 72 but we've known for YEARS that his mental faculties are declining. My brother and I are in a situation where YEARS ago we asked he and his wife to put legal paperwork in place (wills, POA, medical POA, etc) and they've not done it. In fact, they've all but refused and said they do not need our help. It's a terrible situation. Your discussion about "the big incident" is where I fear we are headed. And we feel helpless. We know from one appointment to the next that his cognitive test declines, but that's all we know. We are not included in appointments and his wife continues to insist this is "just getting older." So frustrating and I have no idea what the next step should be. I will look into your resources in the notes of this video. Thank you again for the honest content that I know is not easy to curate on this topic.
I was with my husband and mother through terminal cancer, and my father through undiagnosed dementia. His Dr specialized in elder care but never witnessed Dad's increasingly frequent episodes. Eventually, the big event happened ..... he fell and hit his head on concrete, causing a brain bleed. He had successful surgery. His Dr kept telling us he would recover. However, it became clear that the Dr was only seeing him while he was " asleep." I finally cornered the Dr and told him that my Dad was mostly unconscious, not sleeping. The next day, he recommended hospice care. Dad died 10 days later. I'm grateful that I was able to help my family .... but it's all hard.
Thank you, thank you. It is so important to share experiences so others can understand. Mum was a difficult narcissistic woman but, as is often the case as the dementia took hold she switched personalities and became a scared, little old lady. I had to do everything from halfway round the world, my brother (who lived a 4 hour drive away from her) was in denial. She had been a widow for 35 years, and when I married she lived a lone for 29 years. She already had someone visit 3 times a week but I increased it to daily home visits. I arranged assessments which she was furious about. Because of the time difference I would stay up until 1:00am to phone the Social Workers/ caregivers as it was an 8 hour time difference. Your words about bladder and bowel rang true. One of the ladies who did the daily visits came in to find Mum had had diarrhea and didn’t understand what had happened. It was heartbreaking. She was admitted to hospital. I flew back (from theUS to England) and had 9 days to find a place and get the house as cleared out as much as possible. I dreaded bringing it up with her but on the second day of my visit she said “I really like it here (the hospital), I have so many friends (the nurses and other patients), I am lonely in the other place (her home).” So I said would you like to live in a place like this with many friends, and she responded “yes……. can you arrange that”. I almost burst into tears. BTW she had been telling the nurses that her niece was visiting her … she never had a niece. I wasn’t able to be there for the actual move but a team was assembled to take care of her move. Words can never express by gratitude to them. I had been told that her life expectancy was a year at most. She lasted 6 months but in that time she was in the company of caring people who took care of her, who sent me regular updates including photos of her joining in the singalongs (she loved to sing) and even dancing. For the first 2 months we spoke weekly on the phone but it got harder for her to understand the concept. Brother remained in denial. After her estate was settled he basically stopped communicating. There was only the two of us, so that was sad but I knew in my heart I had done the best for Mum.
My husband and I had his mother in our house for one year. 4 months into her living with us, we recognized that something was off. We were blessed to get an appointment with a neurologist 90 days later who gave the vascular dementia diagnosis and the neurologist was very transparent about the prognosis and guided us to finding a day program. The neurologist said the same to us that we needed to take care of ourselves first and that we needed to understand that she would need more care than we could provide but having that day program would give us a buffer. Unfortunately once the day program closed, she refused to go to another one and we had to move her into a nursing facility.
Jen, I’m so engrossed in your stories and advice. My IRL friends and I are all about your same age, and most of us are also going through the process of helping our parents with their health issues, downsizing, etc.-all the challenges of these life stages. Hearing you talk is like sitting in on a conversation with a wise, trusted friend. I’m sorry for all that you and your family are going through, and at the same time, I’m so grateful you’re sharing about it. It makes me feel less alone! And, your advice is so, so helpful! Thank you! ❤❤❤
Wow what a kind and welcome compliment! Thank you so much!
I wish someone had told me not to argue with mom! This is great advice!
Thank you for your bravery and kindness toward your Mum…Best wishes to you, your Mum and family …I loved the closeness that this hardship has brought for you and your siblings!
This is all excellent advice. I have been through it with an elderly aunt that I cared for, and that move went fairly smoothly. I was lucky that she asked first help finding a retirement home. I thought she would be going into independent living, but when my dad brought her from her home, in Montreal, to Ottawa, where I live, to “look” at places he did not bring her walker, the raised toilet seat and it quickly became apparent that she had a system in her apartment, but she could not live in independent living. Three years later we had to move to an “extended care” facility, because she needed more hands-on support. She had mild dementia, but lucky for me went willingly, and was there for 3 years before her death. We quickly learned to let her lead the conversation when we visited. Some of the stories were 100% true, but 20 years previously.
Two years ago my husband was diagnosed with dementia, he was 74 and I was 70, as well as a host of other physical ailments. He was in the military for 37 years, and thank god, our Veterans Affairs stepped up to the plate with incredible home care support, 24 hour a day in home support for a little over a month. Then they had a bed in the Veterans Health Care facility. It is ranked in the top 10 facilities in Canada. I thank god every day, because the care is excellent, and mostly, that he is content. He is mostly non communicative, but I visit 6 days a week to feed him his supper and watch TV. He still tells me he loves me each day as I am leaving.
You have to look after yourself, give yourself grace and take it one day at a time.
Thanks for sharing Jen❤❤❤
Great series! I really agree, appreciate and empathize. I unexpectedly lost my Father 6 years ago, he was doing everything in the home for my Mother who had an undiagnosed mental issue. Suddenly my Mother was in the home alone refusing to cook, clean and take care of her daily needs. I live 30 miles away and my sister and I took turns checking on Mom daily at lunch and bringing meals. Fast forward to ‘the big event” and in addition we were in a pandemic. The hospital would not discharge Mom home and now (my Mother refused earlier and I didn’t have family support to force placement) we took her straight from the hospital to assisted living. She NEVER returned to her home. Even in AL Mom Dominated our lives, we could NEVER give enough. One piece of advice I Would offer is to have boundaries with your parent. Do not jump
In and do the work that you are paying AL to do, most are understaffed and will gladly let you take it on and your parent will expect it and refuse the help from staff. Example; laundry, cleaning, showering.
In addition, I have felt the judgment from others vocally criticizing the fact we didn’t move Mom in. From my Aunt to my sister in law and many in between. So
Unnecessary as the emotion surrounding this issue is so broad and personal, guilt is real and doesn’t need to be heaped on by others.
My Mother passed 9/21/24 and the years of leading her care have taken a toll. My sister and I say we have PTSD, I am really working on healing and making changes personally to avoid putting my children through this awful turmoil.
Thank you for saying that about PTSD. You said what I'm afraid to say. It's seems dramatic, but I feel the same. My parents' health and finances have dominated my life since 2018. And it's taken a toll on my 17 year old daughter as well. 😢
My husband just died in July after many many years with FTD/Alzheimer's. I miss him terribly. Being a caregiver to someone with dementia is the hardest thing one can endure. I was his 24/7 until close to the very end when he went into a facility with hospice. ❤️
As mother started exhibiting signs I put camera up all over so I could make sure she was safe. As she stopped being able to use phone I started chatting with her several times thru day. It was a huge peace of mind to put eyeballs on her and chat to make sure she was ok. She was in retirement living so safe put still needed to make sure she was safe in her unit.
My parents didnt have dementia but were mentally ill and in their elder years got worse! I am an only child and glad of it because it seems there is always one kid that ends up taking care of most everything anyway and i didn't have anyone argue with my decisions! But it was an exausting nightmare! I am so glad its over! I will never be the same! But what i have learned has been very valuable! I am hoping we die fast and our kids dont have to go through any of what we went through.
Thank you! My brother and I are in the middle of navigating all of this and you provide so many common sense strategies. Now I don't feel so lost and alone.
Thank you for the video. Ive been dealing with my Mom who has dementia for 3 years. I dread putting her in a home when she gets worse - these homes are horrible, they are feed horrible food, not cared for, barely washed, despite the almost $18K monthly price tag. Glad people have found a good place for their loved one..I'm going to try and keep my Mom with me for as long as possible.
Yes I agree....these places ARE horrible. I keep wondering why no one has done an Expose on this topic of neglect/abuse at nursing/rehab centers and the like....the elder abuse, the ignoring of patients needs, letting them sit in soiled diapers all day, let's not even discuss the food which is beyond bad to the point of being revolting, and then them giving patients laxatives but not answering the call bell to help them get to the bathroom, so the poor patient has to suffer the indignity of soiling their bed, clothes, etc. while feeling humiliated when the person they share the room with covers their face to not smell the stench....it's sub-human, and we've had our elder in various places, all with huge price tags. No one seems to care, and we are being gaslit and treated as if we're prima donnas when we complain to management at these places. Someone really needs to expose this, like in a Sixty Minutes episode.
I'm an Activity Coordinator for Assisted Living and Memory Care facility. Your video will be helpful to so many family members who want to care for their declining relative but don't know how to start. The *best* advice you gave was to not argue with them. Meeting them where they are is the key. Arguing causes strife for everyone involved.
I'm right where you are. I'm on about the same timeframe with my mom. She's been in assisted living since February 2023. She says that she's ready to go home now. -That she can take care of herself.
I listen to your videos just nodding my head. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting navigating all this while trying to lovingly give your parent their dignity.
Such good advice about "the big incident."
And yes, keep doing the next right move. Keep doing what's best, safest, go with your gut.
And... so very good about "let them wind down." My mom will call me in an all out anxiety attack. (Where's dad, where's my mom, where's my home, where's my stuff.) Poor thing. I'm getting better about "walking through" with her. I've finally stopped trying to "talk" her out of her current crisis.
Jennifer, you're my new YT "sister." I'm not a real administrative, go-getter type of person.
My siblings are so thankful that I'm handling everything concerning my parents, but hearing you talk about how all this is like being a "project manager" IS SO TRUE. My husband leads a midsize electrical contracting company. So I know a little about project managing. Your comment was very affirming to me. (I often feel quite "alone.")
I've homeschooled all my kids K-12. Nothing, nothing compares to what a I've been through with BOTH my parents now. Some days, I kind of feel like, I don't know who I am anymore. 😢
Okay... enough whining. Hugs and gratitude from Flagstaff. 🙏🏻 🏔️ 🌲
Thanks for being so open about this. We don't realize how much effort and resources it takes to take care of a loved one in a situation like this
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this. I am going through this with my Mom, but her issues stem from bitterness over an incident with a sibling 50 yrs ago! She eventually pushed her 8 siblings away, her grandchildren and myself. I was designated her POA, personal representative, executor. After Dad died, she became more vicious. Anyone I hire - from roof, to drywall, to lawncare - she finds a reason to be suspicious, fires them. She has even physically grabbed me and thrown things. Always angry and demanding. For a long time, I backed out of events and recreation with my 21 grandchildren and my 7 kids because of her demands. But my eyes were eventually opened by several nurses who were observing. Since listening today, I've been taking down notes and listing concerns to bring up to her doctor. Thank you!
@@KGW_Park hello, While my father isn’t doing the same things, some are similar. Recently we went back to an excellent neurologist. I write notes ahead of time to give the doctor before the visit. This visit we got a medications for acute and long term ( anxiety, behavior and wandering). This is such a tough road for a family. Your involvement, at any level, is a gift of love. Be kind to you.
@@KK-rc5ds , I should say that my Mom's behaviors are not from a diagnosis of dementia. She has been like this for 50+ years!
@@KK-rc5dsGreat idea. I will try this with my husband's primary care doctor.
Jennifer ~ you articulate/communicate SO much of what my sister & I experienced, and you’ve done it beautifully. So much so, I had tears while watching. These videos will be more helpful than you know. God bless you and your family.💕
Just lost my mom to dementia. We went through exactly what you did except my mom kept falling at the ALF so my sister and I had to figure what was next. We found a family home setting that turned out to be such a blessing. She died less than a year later. It was the hardest thing I ever did was navigating her treatment through the stages of dementia. She fought us every step of the way. I’m still grieving.
Thank you for reminding us that some people's minds are lying to them. It's easy to forget that dementia is an illness. Even without a dementia diagnosis, most of us will find it difficult to admit that we can no longer manage life as we once did. The added burden of mental illness makes that admission even more difficult.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your generosity of spirit to share this whole process from your perspective. Thank you! ❤️
Yes the first thing you needed to do is look after you. Listing to this it brings me back to the days I looked after my mother n law with Dementia. We put her in adult day care three days a week and I worked pt.
You are teaching others who need this as a life line! Everyone
Who hears this should know, this woman speaks truth! It was the hardest time of my life but today I have NO REGRETS. Being a caregiver for a loved one is a calling of epic proportions. Wish you were here to teach me this 5 years ago.
Not to be ridiculous but I wish I had MYSELF to say this 5 years ago too!! It's why I felt so strongly about making the videos. I needed these lessons!! Thanks for the kind words.
Making these videos and supporting other caregivers has been on my heart since my Dad and then my Mom’s aging with Alz. and Dementia, downsizing and ultimately passing on. I am now on the brink of guiding my MIL on her journey of “growing old gracefully” at age 95. Whew!
So helpful my boyfriend and I currently trying to navigate these uncharted waters with his mom … who is newly widowed and now in early stages of dimensia
Such a helpful video. Just moved my mom into an ALF this month. I needed a "pep talk". Thank you for sharing your story.
It's a lot - hang in there!!!!
Watched my Mother-in-law struggle through Dementia until she died. It was definitely harder on the loved ones. The beginning stages are gut wrenching, heartbreaking,devastating seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months. Until…… they reach the stage of dementia where they remember LESS, which in turn makes us even more sad. It is such a cruel disease with so many different stages that they bounce back and forth between…until the “slide” happens. Love to all who are or have gone through this.😢❤❤❤❤
Thank you for these videos! Although my mother has a terminal *physically* debilitating disease, my family has had to navigate some of the same issues: helping her to realize she was no longer able to drive, searching for assisted living, etc. She and my dad are in denial about how much longer they will be able to continue in their lifestyle, and your advice about *just listening* without trying to use logic is fantastic. It is so important to preserve a person's dignity and allow as much autonomy as is safe.
Great advice! We had to tell my father-in-law that the VA was paying for his assisted living place in order to get him to stay. So, I resonated with you in saying whatever it takes to be at their level. My husband to this day feels guilty about all the lying, So, I'm going to remind him you had to do it in order to keep him safe.
We used the same scenario when my dad went into assisted living. Whatever it takes to keep your family member from being upset is way more important than how “lying” makes you feel. We had to learn that lesson, too.
@HBManx I think of it as bending the truth a little!
❤️ Your message at the end made me let out a big sigh of relief. It's the conclusion both my brother, myself and our spouses have had to settle on. Our health and our individual families, first. My parents get what they get, at this point. We poured so much into the beginning of summer, TRYING EVERYTHING just to have it all backfire (although we came out wiser and with a pocket full of tools when we finally get to use them). We had to move on.
On the topic of "the big incident" . . . Don't wait to take those keys away. My aunts waited too long. My mom was on the other side of the country, pleading with them to take the car away. They didn't, because chauffeuring her around would be a pain for them. The "big incident" took my gram's life.
So, when it came to the point where my mom then needed to have the keys taken away, one time of getting lost and my Dad made the decision, thank goodness!! At least he's done that. The rest . . . ((Sigh))
@@annaburch3200 so sorry for the loss of your gram.
Not my parents, but a friend of over 30 plus years, and this is so right and spot on with the problems. The friend has no children , only cousin/s in another country. Finally he had to go into dementia care. He did give up his keys as he felt there was something wrong. Now we are clearing out 80 odd years of buying "stuff"... it is traumatic .I go there to clear, have to leave , in tears again. I was blessed that my parents did not have dementia.
Amen! Major project management! But hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Jen, I love the name of your channel! You are a great problem solver. We have no children of our own but, if we did, I would want my daughter to be just like you. I would feel safe and not fear growing older. My grandmother had dementia, but not my mother, thank goodness. That was a true blessing during her last years. I know people who have or have had loved ones with dementia, and it is very difficult to deal with. You are an inspiration to those going through it. God bless you for sharing such personal experiences. You are doing God’s work by doing so. Thank you❣️
From the UK. Today I came across your channel and watched the previous video. Thank you for sharing. My mother in law was diagnosed 3 years ago. My father in law is her main carer. We have been trying to future proof both of them to protect him as a proud elderly man. Unfortunately it has been hard to get him to listen to, not just us, but also professionals when it comes to her care before a crisis. If anyone is in the same position as me, don’t give in (in a caring way) - you are doing everything you can in this horrible situation. We did get both medical and financial POA for both of them a long time ago - future proofing. We explained it as being an advocate for their care just in case something should happen to either of them. I could go on but again thank you for sharing and showing me that what we’re trying to do is ok. 🏴
Much love to you. We are in the same situation. Dad won't listen to the "proof" and we can't move on things because he ultimately has POA for my mother, before us. It's frustrating, but we are educating ourselves and have things ready if/when Dad decides it's time that our mother needs more care than he can provide. It's difficult to sit back and watch the inevitable. Take care of yourselves, in the meantime.
Thank you for sharing this experience and your resources. My family is in the earlier stages of dealing with dementia and I've been needing to hear exactly this. Thank you
Hang in there. It’s so incredibly difficult.
I am closer to your age than your mother's but am retired and was the caregiver for both of my parents. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your story. I am sharing your video's with my adult kids to help them with me, for when the time comes. The lessons you are sharing are helpful wether there is dementia or other aging related issues.
I worked in healthcare over 22 yrs in health care and worked mostly with pts who were not only physically but also had mental disabilities including dementia and alzthimers . Mornings are always the best time for people with dementia they seem better at remembering things who people are and carrying on a cinversation as the day progresses and they become tired thats when youll notice they cant carry on conversation to well or rember who a person is. I did this with the dementia pts i had and it was amazing how it works. They may not rember from one day to the next who the current president maybe but if you spend time and start looking at old pictures they may have talking to them bout what it was like for them growing up brothers and sisters children people they met or dated even putting music on they know and grew up to it triggers memory of these times and they will tell you amazing things bout growing up when they did. Its like seeing them before dementia took over. Im not a dr or expert but read bout type of thearpy and used it and is amazing the results you can get
🥰 This is the exact lessons we also had when my mother in law got sick with alzheimer´s. Thank you for charing. Love from Sweden! (And no, my mother in law did not do the Swedish death cleaning before she got sick so I very much understand your video where you are angry about having to deal with all the stuff instead of seeing your mother) ❤
I've heard from a few of you from Sweden and all have said the same thing - yes this is a tradition we do and NO we don't all do it either! I think it's a human problem, truly. Thank you for your kind words!
As a mid 70 yr old, I've gone through the years of parent (and parent-in-law) care. Yet even though they planned ahead, did all they could to prepare, and for the most part, were graceful in their transitions, it was still so challenging. I so appreciated your thoughts. You've reminded us to do our homework and to prepare for our own transitions. Hoping for the grace to allow our children guide us through this maze. Thank you, Jen.
You are GOOD at what you do. Maureen, Paris, France
Oh Merci, Maureen!
(Jane) What family doesn't have dysfunction! Thank you for not sugar coating this.
You captured all of this so well. Your approach of not arguing is something I've adopted, too. I try to restate things that are true but that don't promise any upholding of her status quo. Exploring the practice of non-violent communication has helped me embrace this.
Oh man! We are almost in the same exact situation. Thank you so so so very much for sharing! We are right in the exact same position, safety is our concern! We are trying right now to make the hard decisions! God bless you! 💙🙏💙🙏💙
I can’t thank you enough as this is the first channel I’ve found on dealing with a parent with dementia! Appreciate you covering all the steps! Oh what a challenge.
Love ya Jen and praying for you and your family 🫶🏼 I’m an SLP that worked in memory care units pre-Covid, your point about safety+dignity is so important and well put!
My mother is in the early stages and these videos have been so helpful. Thank you. It seems like not enough, but thank you.
God bless you for dealing with this difficult time with such calm, love and grace.
Am I allowed to acknowledge the thousands who do make the choice to take care of their aging parents in their homes? I don't think we want to make anyone feel guilty for doing that. The frustration is real. I have been in church settings that would never think of not taking care of their parents. For myself, I don't regret a day spent with a very sweet dad that died with Alzheimer's. He wasn't difficult at all, and I felt privileged for him to trust me, to help with his toileting needs and personal care. It was the utmost trust. He was easy to love. The FB Alzheimer's support group, was invaluable along the way. We had some of our closest moments and hearty laughter - I wouldn't trade it for the world! Often, we can do far more than we think we can. I did hire a hospice nurse for help the last few weeks.
I wish I had seen this video six years ago. 1000% thank you. You did exactly what I did for my mom, but did this by myself. Thank you for the videos. I share them with friends at the beginning of their journey with a parent.
This was such a graceful delivery, I'm sure it will help some people going through these difficult life events x
Thank you so much, Olivia! I've always been one to be super calm in the midst of the chaos (and have my well deserved breakdown later) so I knew filming DURING the mess was the way to go.
I’ve been through this and you explained and provided guidance beautifully! Both my parents passed in 2012, 30 days apart. It was tough but there love carried me through even though they didn’t remember who I was. God bless you and your family through this difficult time.
I'm 79 and found your video very informative, thoughtful of your mom, and did your best for her. I hope my children never have to deal with this situation with myself or my husband. But if they do I hope they do it like you with love and grace.❤
My husband is 75, I am 73. We are both active and healthy. There is a 3-5 year waiting list for the senior living situation we are planning on. It offers everything from independent living through assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing care. We are making plans now to get on the waiting list for independent living. We plan to move at least by the time my husband is 80. We want to spare our children from having to “put us in a home”. We prefer to make these decisions ourselves if at all possible. We went through hell with my in-laws, getting them moved into assisted living. I will not put my kids through this. I so appreciate you sharing your experiences as this reinforces the decisions we’ve made.
I tell my kids all the time, the day you tell me that I need hearing aids, is the day I make an appointment with an audiologist. Kind of the same idea. (I'm only 57, but my mom has fought us on everything. -And has for so long.)
Fantastic nuggets of wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in such a clear and organized way 🙏
Totally great advice. Don’t argue. Just move along. Agree. The goal is keep them calm and just move things along.
And when you can't make any headway back up and wait for another time! I should have put that in there too. Not everything is an emergency (although it can feel that way).
Jen, what a powerful message!!! Bless you for sharing your wisdom and understanding of this important issue. I believe it will help a lot of folks who are struggling with this right now! Hubby & I are amazed how many baby boomers going thru this right now 🙏🏽😇🫶🙋🏽♀️
Thankyou for doing this…I needed to hear this about 15 yrs ago with my mom. She gave me SO much and I still feel like I let her down and didn’t do enough. It’s a heart wrenching time being squeezed by ill parents and trying to maintain your job and looking after a spouse and three kids. The guilt never leaves. I hope she forgives me😢Alice
There’s nothing to forgive. You did the best you could.
I live in phoenix and have had wrong way drivers on roads and freeways suffering from dementia which can be very scary not only for the person with dementia but the cars they are heading towards and glad you did take her keys for her safety.
Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to talk about these issues, I found it really helpful and freeing. I lost both of my parents just over a year ago (three and a half months apart and my Dad had dementia) and it was incredibly stressful and traumatic and I still feel guilt that I did not do enough. I was their main carer and my only brother lives overseas. My husband and I ended a 30 year marriage earlier that year so I navigated the care arrangements and end of life stuff on my own. When you said towards the end of the video that no matter how much you give it will never be enough, I just cried. I realised the truth of it and it helped to set me free to know I did what I could
Hi Jen. I wish so much that I had this resource when I was going through things with my mom. There were so many health issues going on. She lived close to a couple of her sisters and other extended family members. But none of her 3 daughters lived close to her. We would talk to her often, but only saw her maybe 2 or 3 times a year. When I would ask about things with her health, I would get the typical "my doctor says I'm fine, just old and fat". Unbeknownst to any of us, she was never going to the doctor and had cancelled her medicare supplement insurance as well as her life insurance policies. I feel certain she had been told that she was diabetic, and that's probably when she stopped going to the doctor. We had "the big event" (as you called it) and my aunts told me that they were no longer able to take care of her. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that I had one sister who couldn't help and another sister who refused to help. So it all fell on me. I had to make all of the decisions and make all of the arrangements as well as physically be there when she needed anything. Of course, the sisters and aunts took turns criticizing the choices made and kept telling me what I should have done. It really took a mental and emotional toll on me. I am blessed to have an extremely supportive husband and I could not have made it through all of that season without him. She ended up being hospitalized after "the big event" and the doctor who treated her would only release her to a skilled nursing facility. We had an assessment done while she was in the facility and due to many factors (mobility issues, medications, etc.), it was highly recommended that she have either in-home care or move into assisted living. Our home was not a viable place for her, so we moved her into assisted living. I went through a lot of the things you have described with taking the car away, conversations about when she could go home, encouraging her to do the PT that was prescribed, etc. The visible dementia issues started about a year after going into assisted living and she became more and more confrontational and belligerent. We had her for 3 1/2 years after "the big event". But, as I've told so many friends and family since then, I lost my mom well before that. Having to be the main caregiver for a parent and managing everything in their life creates an entirely different relationship - one that I was not prepared for. I don't think any of us are. I will be praying for you and your family - and especially for your mom - as you all navigate this road.
Hugs to you.
I will take to heart the agreeing with them and not arguing or logic-izing. I can see how that would be SO helpful.
Thank you. I think I may be behind you in the process.
I am 36 but because of my mom passing found myself in late 2019 earl 2020 the primary caretaker for her parents one with cancer & other Alzheimer's. The decisions are many & so hard. Both health decisions & financial on top of protecting your mental & emotional well being while the world is falling apart. Your video brought back so many memories of caretaking & I agree with everything you said. Grace to you- it's a rough journey and very humbling.
Very helpful video. My family is dealing with Lewy Body Dementia in my uncle. After several very scary incidents, he was finally put in an assisted living facility. I FaceTimed with him yesterday but he unfortunately had no idea who I was. Otherwise, he still looks well and seems to have good accommodations, which is comforting.
Thank you for sharing your story. My dad ended up with caregiver stress taking care of my mom with dementia. So we ended up with him in the hospital and my sister and I living with my mom. After my dad’s doctors told him they had to move we already had a place so we were able to move fast. It’s so emotionally draining.
This one could not have come at a better time. Thank you so much especially for your supportive wise words about taking care of yourself. I’m keeping this one to pass along to friends. Also keeping in mind what we can do now for our children down the road. It’s a lot, but so important.
My husband does not have dementia but he had a mild stroke a few months ago and any appointment that he has, I go with him and take notes. I keep the notes from each doctor visit in a file at home.. Helps a lot when looking back on what they said. Maybe you could do that and tell your Mom when she forgets what was said from her appointments. Jen, you have explained your situation and we all learn and benefit from your experiences. One never knows when we will be in your place and I look forward to your wisdom and advice.
Jen, your series is giving excellent information. I wish I'd had this information when my parents were aging. You're providing a wonderful service. It's too late for me, but you'll help many others through a terrible journey. X
Jen, I don’t know if you’ll see this, but your story so far, mirrors mine with my dad, who lived in the south Phoenix area. After my mom had passed away, he did okay for the first couple years, but gradually he was having memory issues. I live in Texas & found I had to fly there to do things like file his taxes or pay his property insurance that he didn’t do and was having to put out many important fires. He refused to come to TX, stop driving or move. I had ALL the same concerns you did about him getting hurt or killing others in a car accident etc. Let me tell you a game changer: with MUCH guilt & trepidation, we visited him at Thanksgiving & I put a camera in his house (because he wouldn’t always answer the phone) and it saved his life when he had ‘the big incident’. Long story short, we got him near us in TX in an assisted living facility at age 88 last year (what a nightmare to find a decent one), and I would HIGHLY encourage you to put a camera in your mom’s room you can view from your phone. My dad fell twice & at least once I could see what happened, the 2nd time, he was out of range of the camera until I saw him fall. I could check on him 24 hours a day & ensure he was okay when I wasn’t hanging out with him. And, I could monitor the staff to make sure they were taking care of him. He never knew it was in the room as he would have not wanted it, but as you said, you just have to do those things. Anyway, you’re doing great and I can totally empathize with you. Thanks for sharing.
I hope she finds comfort in her new place and contentment! I must say I am so happy that as siblings you have come together. My Brother avoided coming home the entire last year of her life and awful health situations. She was with me as I was her caretaker. After she passed he told me he didn’t want to see her fragile. (Deep breath) Be proud of yourself for caring, for making the hard decisions and sharing this difficult journey.
In caring for my grandmother (I'm an only child of an only child who passed away in '08), after her Long Term Care policy expired the best option for her was to set up a reverse mortgage to help pay for in-home care. We ended up only needing it for 6 months before she broker her (other) hip and ended up with Covid. They were REALLY quick to collect but there are a ton of safeguards in place to make it a very legit option.
My friend, you are crushing it. So much love
I would much prefer to not have to talk about this at all and have mom be still at home but thriving, but sharing the story is what she would want and I'm hoping it can help somebody. Thanks, Liam!
Safety and dignity needs to be stated. Safety is crucial but cannot be the only focus. Great information and tips. We are at the beginning stages for my mom’s dementia Dx. Thank you.
Thank you. Well done! Been there and I don’t think anyone is fully prepared. Wish I’d seen more of this topic videos before I found myself in a similar position. You were fortunate that your siblings were on board and that they weren’t in denial about the diagnosis. I wish you many more good times with your Mom. I’m sure you treasure each one. Again - thanks! Super advice from a fresh perspective!
Very good video and thanks for sharing all of that information in such a detailed fashion and from a personal perspective. My mom is 84 and I'm almost 66. My mom is still driving and living alone closer to my only sibling, my brother. I live 40 minutes away down a mountain. For the last 4 or 5 years I have been helping her more and more with things as her memory is not as good as it used to be. She doesn't have full blown dementia yet. She still manages some bills and goes to a few doctor appointments alone (not all). But I know it's just a matter of time before we have to deal with a similar situation.
I missed the previous video but plan to watch it too. I apologize if you mentioned this resource which helped my brother and I greatly called the SPECAL method of communicating with loved ones who have dementia. I binge watched videos on it and ordered some resources from the organization. Using the SPECAL method changed everything for how I relate to and help mom. I have a very good idea what you are experiencing except my brother and I share the care for our 86 y/o mother. She does not have the resources for independent living. My brother lives 4 hours away and my sister-in-law is great. We've been doing this for about 3 years now and it was sooo hard for the first two years. My health, family relationships, and work, all suffered, so I appreciate how you ended the video with the reminder that giving everything will, still, never be enough.
Thank you for sharing. Love hearing the lessons learned. This is very eye opening. Share more tips regarding parents/dementia.
Thank you. I’ve already had a mild stroke, many other health issues. I’ve told my children to not listen to me if I put up a fight. I hope I take my own keys to them and help them find an assisted living facility.
I'm going to write my future self a letter for the to give to me should I start to be a problem and need care I would accept!
you are fortunate to have siblings to present a united front, despite any past issues. i think its different as a spouse with no kids to help. So this really is helpful to know what to look out for. I'm already concerned about the driving, and we have large disagreements about stuff he agreed to then "changed his mind" (such as downsizing, selling stuff, etc). I potentially have a long, lonely road ahead.
Thank you for sharing. You are blessed to have siblings who help. My brother does not. Unfortunately, we did not avoid the big incident with my dad. His was more like a psychotic break and it happened really fast. Even the doctors were surprised. Two and a half years later he is still in memory care, but more balanced mentally thanks to medication. It’s so hard.
Your story is so similar to to mine. Thank you for sharing. Dad passed away in January after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 yrs ago. The hardest thing we had to do was placing him in a long term facility. I still feel guilty but know it was the right thing to do. He needed more care than we could provide. Thanks again for sharing and hopes it helps at least one person.
Really appreciate you putting yourself out there with all this, Jen. You are absolutely helping other people with this information. Thank you.
Such a terrible thing for anyone to have go through,but you can sort of understand how she felt about the car.
We’re at that stage with my dad…he lives on his own and we think he should stop driving it’s a tricky situation. It gives him his independence and I get that,but he’s not really capable..
Your doing a great job….you and your siblings….👍🇬🇧
Oh this came at the perfect time for me. We’re beginning to go through this right now
TY for sharing. Witnessing so much of what you describe in our family situation, too. Robert in NYC.