TLDR: the word Love being spoken is a truthiness. But "How" you Love each other IS the definition of Love. Does he ever ask them "do you know what Love is? the dictionary definition of it? I bet he will find wrong answers only, like " she doesn't love me when she questions me", which is not the definition of love.
Yes, so exact this is. Love as a sentiment, is just not going to be enough. I have just realized this and reflected this back to this person, I think they realize it is the how, the connection I need to feel, not the word love.
This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships. Friendships, familial relationships, literally any instance where you are in some kind of relationship with someone.
True. I lived with an aunt who would never take accountability, always throw blame, and be very passive-aggressive, amongst other qualities. Those 12 years sucked. I felt like I was going insane, with suicidal thoughts screaming in my head from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep. I left, I'm healing and doing a lot better. She's lonely and trying to get me to go back.
I'm working on my social anxiety and rejection sensitivity towards communication. It can always feel like your suggestion for accommodation will be immediately turned down based on the way you were raised. Giving up on trying to connect but still love them is how you'll cry on your mother's deathbed but wouldn't come home to spend watching a movie with her. I'm so mentally exhausted and deprived of parental love to start somewhere with a mother that comes home at 9pm everyday and leave before I wake up in the morning. By the time she's home, I'm drowned with homework. Our window of bonding moments are cut fruits and movie night once in two weeks. I think I rather relish that than trying something new
It’s usually d lack of responsibility, capacity/capability, and willingness/commitment. That’s y arranged marriages have a higher rate of success, especially in d East. Responsibility and commitment, in front of d gods r sacrosanct.
My mother often said, "Respect is more important in a marriage than love." When my teenage neice asked me for advice on how to pick a good boyfriend, I told her, "Pick someone who respects himself, respects you, and respects others." It's hard to go wrong with someone like that.
Fact! I love that quote, "Saying 'I do' is not just you can, it's 'I want to'". Yes, just yes. Love this short! It's all true! I'm not married, but I think this applies for live-in partnerships too.
The solemn vows and commitment of a wedding are I think taken far too lightly as just part of the old ceremony we are expected to perform; I wonder whether a lot of people who get married actually think about what they’re swearing to *DO* for the rest of their lives, actually think about it after the wedding’s over (except to do fun, jabby wordplay to get their way), and actually recognize that the oath they took is genuinely more important in their lives than any personal whims they might experience. (While it remains unbroken by the other party in the covenant, you have a divine, existential, or however else you want to define it, duty to uphold your end by genuinely cherishing and taking care of your partner, mutually)
@@vulpezerdavulcan9055 Yes, I think many take it too lightly and many use it as a social ticket to be allowed to be sexually active - which in my opinion is ridiculous because the actual 'in sickness and in health do death do us part...I DO' us FAR more important than whether two people are active in the bedroom. I agree, it's about the legal, moral and ethical oath you take to commit, standby, look after and LOVE the other. A lot of people think marriage is the end goal, not the beginning and a lot of these younger people especially only think as far as the wedding day and not about the marriage itself. Could not agree more!!! It's why live-in partners are more and more common in non-US countries and less and less people are getting married progressively over the years. I actually saw an article that they're dropping relatively considerably in Europe. People often spend years together first and then get married later.
@@strawberrykatnzYes, I live in Europe and everyone I know lives with their partner way before they start thinking about marriage. I've been living with my boyfriend for 1,5 years and I think it's generally much better this way because this is how you truly get to know a person and how your dynamic works out.
I remember hearing about a study on couples who viewed loved as a feeling vs those who viewed it as a choice. Those who treated it like a daily choice has a vastly lower divorce rate.
Initial attraction and romantic love isn’t a choice as far as “who” we will fall in love with…But continuing to love them is. Speaking as someone who has both chosen to stop loving people and succeeded, as well as currently choosing to love my partner even when it’s not easy to do so… Two things I’ve heard from other people have allowed me as a women to stay in love with the man of my dreams! 1. It’s okay to not be in awe and feel like you are always inspired by them. They are human after all. Sometimes they don’t do the right things, and sometimes they are boring to us at times…If you feel unimpressed with them sometimes it’s not a sign that they aren’t the one. It’s a sign that your rose colored lenses are fading, and that is a good thing. 2. We as people tend to value and get attached to what we invest in. During the early stages of our relationship when I couldn’t see him as much I felt like some of the good feelings were fading. And I realized I hadn’t done anything for him in a while. So I did some errands and other things for him that I knew would help him that would take up a bit of my personal time. For me the love feelings returned because choosing to do things for him that took a lot of effort made me reflect on why I was doing it. And it was because I loved and appreciated him and wanted to show it!💗
@@Nashleyism Right! That is a real problem for so many things in life. Just like the word high value. People confuse it with high earnings. Yes money has value, but money is not connected with a human beings value. A man or woman’s value is…. Personal qualities. Not earnings or belongings.
Genuine question, how can you love your abusers? It was my understanding that love is something that requires an environment where you trust a person enough to be vulnerable and intimate. My mother was the person who caused me the most misery growing up. So her saying "I love you" is hollow. I certainly don't have any affection for her. My understanding of love is only theoretical as I have no recollection of experiencing such a supposedly profound bond. I've grieved for a grandfather and the family dog, but otherwise my feelings for people don't seem to surpass fondness.
You can love your family from a distance and it does not mean you are obligated to be around them and be abused. You can also love yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to be abused by anyone. Abuse does not equal love. No matter who it comes from
@@Verboten_Joey I’m not sure if what. I say will make sense. I grew up being conditioned to believe that without my Mother, I could do nothing. I would work, give her money and gifts, give her most of my time and attention. I was her person who took care of her every need and want but I was her child. I was brainwashed into believing this was normal. But I still loved her. Now that I have gotten help ( for all the bad things in my childhood such) I can see how it all really was and now I try not to feel anything at all, no love, just nothing. Some people can relate or empathize with their abusers. After what she did to me when I had my twins, I can’t emphasize with her.
@@lacesspace That's messed up. I'm sorry your mother subjected you to such extreme manipulation. My mother didn't attempt that specifically. She was however, verbally and emotionally abusive, while claiming to be a nurturing and loving mother. As well as being bipolar and a hoarder. As I've become desensitized to her abuse, her tactics have become transparent. When she's confronted with her abuses, she'll redirect the conversation by going on a long emotional rant about her past suffering, which may or may not be accurate. It's intended to distract from her abuses and recast herself as the victim, manipulating the one confronting her into empathizing with her, while blaming everyone else for their estrangements. My two sisters have gone no contact, one of which is now married with a toddler. My mother hasn't met her son in law or grand daughter. I don't blame my sisters at all, it's a reasonable response to years of abuse.
@@Asura1733most people don’t even know what they like or love. They don’t even love their own body enough to eat healthy and exercise. Forget actually studying or building a solid future. How many r able to kick bad habits when they realize it?? When such people love, it’s just as weak as their love for other things in their lives. So… simply having that feeling doesn’t mean that they’re capable of delivering that love.
I’m a marriage counselor in Texas I work remotely with people from all over the United States). I’ve been seeing couples for well over a decade, and I am delighted to hear these sorts of ideas being talked about openly online! Every word you say is the truth. I’ve met too many people who aren’t interested in putting in the work. Intimate relationship will bring up the most tender places in us. It can make us sooo happy, and it can make us sooo miserable… Why? A romantic relationship is supposed to trigger the places in you where you need to face yourself most. it is in our intimate relationships that we are given our best chance for healing and conscious growth in ourselves. And what a gift it is to be able to offer that kind of healing and conscious growth to our partner as well. Paige Bartholomew 🌿
I wish I had heard these things before my divorce. Before the problems got to the point of no return. I know, all we can do now is try to be better for our future partners but in my soul…I never wanted another. I was just too ignorant to understand that I was arrogant and didn’t have all the answers..
“Saying ‘I do’ doesn’t mean you can, it just means that you want to.” Wow. I think this broke something in my brain that needed to be broken. Thank you.
Goddamn can we get this guy massively famous already!?! He needs to be everywhere talking to everyone cuz this guy freakin gets it! He needs a way bigger platform, way more followers, this is the pace that needs to be set for people everywhere.
💯💯💯 been with my husband over 16 years and I truly believe the thing that has kept us strong is that we whole heartedly trust each other and we just get better and better at communicating.. we were terrible at it at first because we both just got out of severely toxic relationships when we met (which bonded us) but the longer we’ve been together the better we’ve gotten and now we hardly ever argue or bicker anymore.. communication is definitely key! ❤
Those first couple years are always guttural for me! It's like working out the kinks in a new skill: it's naturally going to take time to get the hang of something new to us, let alone an entire human being! I love my partner with all my heart and I want to see it through with him, but he has a lot of unresolved trauma he needs to work through. Even still he's beaten all the odds and I'm so proud of him 🙂
The realest short speech I heard in awhile..LOVE is not a perfect thing. It acquires all that he just mentioned. Love is so misunderstood, misused and devalued nowadays.U get into one simple argument with someone U "LOVE" and it's the end of the world, then U both hurry to find someone else and do the toxicity thing all over again. LOVE is not that..
How do I like this a million more times? This is absolute truth. Thank you for doing this channel you’re so inspiring and remind me each time what’s important.
Great message. I wanted to share my other thoughts on a successful relationship, which took me decades to figure out. I never understood that a marriage is a partnership, kinda like a business. Someone brings in the money, someone runs operations and someone looks after the people, training and development etc. Like work there is conflict, errors, trials and tribulations. Along with wins and celebrations. Essentially, you are building an empire together with a joint vision, based on solid values. If you are not in it for that same vision to build something together as a partnership.... then it's not for you.
Thank you for your channel. My sister finally found someone that seems perfect for her, but the two struggle with the same relationship skills. They're falling apart but are still so in love and want to make it work. I showed them this video. They're talking again and taking responsibility for how they hurt the other. I have hope again for them. Thank you.
THANK YOU! i've been saying since i was in my 20s "love doesn't have anything to do with it." you can love someone who turns into an alcoholic or a drug addict or an abusive psycho. it doesn't matter that you love them, you have to protect yourself if the situation isn't addressed. the "but i love him/her" is craziness and a fast trip to unhappiness.
I feel like relationship videos like this shouldn't be just for people in relationships but also people looking to be in one or just everyone in general. I'm about to walk into a relationship myself for the first time and these have been really helpful to me.
Everything you said, PLUS (and this cannot be overstated enough) aligned values and lifestyles are absolutely fundamental for a good, harmonious relationship to be sustained in the long term. You can have all the love in the world for one another but if you don’t share the same values and your lifestyles don’t match up, it’s going to feel like you’re trekking Mt. Everest blind with 2000 pounds of dead weight. 😮💨😫 (Can you tell I’m speaking from experience?)
Exactly. That's why i feel frustrated when i hear " i love you" from someone who cares about nothing but his/her needs and satisfaction in a relationship , wether it's a friend a spouse or a family member. I feel numb and disgusted.
I learned this lesson a long time ago. Love is not enough. It’s an emotional connection that gives you the strength and motivation to work hard on being trustworthy, being respectful, being willing to trust, hanging in there for the hard times, but all that needs to be returned. If it’s not, it’s just a one sided relationship that leaves you hurt and lonely.❤
So that means you totally could and should be in a relationship with someone that you absolutely do *not* love, but it will be fine, because if you commit enough and can settle arguments and all those stuff, it is absolutely of no importance if you love each other because "love comes and goes"? I beg to differ. Loving soneone means to deeply care about them. And if you don't even really care for someone, there is neither use nor hope for a lastimg relationship.
@@mikef2811 There is no love without loyalty. How can you call it "love" if you aren't even loyal? Wtf. Loyalty is one part of what love is. Only love is far, f a r more than simple loyalty.
@@elektra121 DUTY, it has nothing to do with loving someone. It is about doing one's duty. I have known women who were arrange marriage to ugly men and they stay with them out of duty.
This man has thought this through .. amazing insight! Relationships can affirm feelings but loyalty , respect , getting through the hard times and standing up for each other .. that counts more, in my opinion.
Unfortunately growing up without a good example of “love”, I am genuinely not sure to this day if the loves I have had were ever real. They were messy, stressful, unsafe, hurtful & isolating. Looking back is all very well & good, but with all the self reflection I have done, I am now to scared to date as I don’t want to be burnt again. My vulnerability is still perhaps mending, but at the same time I have addressed so many of my childhood trauma & relationship nightmares, as well as understanding more about my own areas that may come off as mistrusting, weak or a push over. I have been over accommodating, too forgiving, will compromise all the way, therefore no longer an actual definition of compormise! I hope there is a partner out there for me, one who enjoys my passion for adventure, loves my idiosyncrasies, my sarcastic sense of humour, my eclectic taste in music & need to sing super loud on car journeys! I want to be able to melt into someone’s arms & KNOW that those arms are not protecting anyone else. I would love my partner to feel proud when we are out together, to have their hand placed on the small of my back - gently letting me know that we’re a WE so I never need to have negative thoughts encroach. I am getting older, but I needed to find myself & I am happy to continue being single until the right one comes along. In 2021 year I had a great spark ✨ with someone, but something changed overnight & I know it wasn’t me. They tried to play the let’s be friends, you’re such an amazing woman card, but if I am THAT AMAZING why aren’t we together?! I have no need for “friends” like that. They are out there somewhere. Until that day I will continue to be the best me I can be so I feel good about myself & know I have CHOSEN to be single & not SETTLE. 🖤🪽
I am finally starting to accept that. My heart hurts because I love him very much but it also hurts from all the pain that came with it along the way. Unfortunately for us love alone isn’t gonna fix this.
As much as I don’t like hearing the hard truths you’re not wrong and I’m grateful that you’re putting messages like these out I probably have a lot to work on in my relationship and you’re to thank for it
I blamed my ex for all these problems when I myself was not a safe place for him. It’s taken a long time to self reflect and see my wrong doings. I will continue to do the work so I don’t repeat the same patterns in the future. 🙏
That's what I told my ex husband when we divorced amicably. Love is not enough to keep us together. We just married too quickly. Great insight, thank you.
When I got married my uncles pearls of wisdom where "it's great you fell in love, but it is more important to fall in like" there are going to be hard days. But if you both like each other and want to make it work you will make space for the others needs.
You can fall out of love just as easily as you can fall in love... my favorite line about relationships is "it doesn't matter how strong your walls are, if your foundation is broken, your house will crumble."
This is for all of the relationships in your life. So many people stay in unhealthy relationships with so many people in their lives because they "love" love that person. There's so many different kinds of love. Loving someone who doesn't treat you the same way isn't love. It's a trauma response.
This is the most true thing he has said. After 14years and 4kids. I realized this and started listening and working together better. It's respect, love and common goals. I got lucky that she put up with me till I realized how to fully commit and hear her. To emphasize that she is stressed also and needs support. Love her more each and everyday.❤
How beautiful, am glad things worked out. I have also been with my partner 14 years & we have 4 children together. I sadly ended it last week, i could no longer do it. Love just wasnt enough. Its heart breaking but life goes on
@nolaaaxx3579 Sorry for needing to make that desicion. Well done for your bravery. Hope you have the support you in this time to assist in the healing process. All the very best. Lots of blessings your way 🌻
💯💯💯. Love alone is never enough. Or rather you can't just feel love for one another, you have to both ACT with love. Treat each other with kindness and respect, take care of one another, support each other.
It actually sad how many grown adults dont even know what love is not even you love is not a feeling and "falling in love" doesnt exist love is a choice
My darling had a catastrophic stroke 10 years ago. He’s been basically in dementia since then. The ONLY thing that has kept me going, in caring for him, in remaining faithful, in putting his needs first - is love. I think about the man he was and I can’t betray him. In sickness and in health is what I promised and it’s what Im delivering. He can’t thank or respect me anymore but I have enough love for two. I “miss” him everyday.
@@IbelongtoJesus311I am a Christian. Unfortunately just because Jesus can, doesn't mean he will. God doesn't promise us no hardships or healing from trauma/hurt while here on earth, but he does promise us eternal joy once we're in heaven. Though it is true He can, it's very easy to ask, be told no, and get somewhat bitter. Try not to get her hopes up.
@briannaphillips3633 Why do you think Jesus will say no to your request or prayer? Matthew 7:7-8 He promised in His word that whoever asks will receive. Have faith in Him and His love for you and your loved ones
Arlen the guy always has to do all the work in a relationship.I can not find any women today that are wife material.Feminism and social media has totally killed dating for men.All the women today are 304's and have high body counts.Once a woman starts going over a 9 in body count they can not pair bond with a guy.They wiill sabotage a relationship and eventually cheat.
Love is definitely enough and the only way what the guy in the video is talking about is "being in love" in other words a feeling which feelings fade love does not fade love is ever ending love is the main imgredient in love, trust, connection and intimacy
Having been in a relationship where I did not feel safe to be open with my emotions, damn is this true. Still sad I could not make that one work, but I think we are better as friends then as a couple
The last woman I loved died last year and I have known her since I was 13. She went through a lot in life and when her brother passed away she lost the will to live. I reconnected with her after her brother died, and she just had a baby. I could see it in her eyes how tired she was with life and part of me was drawn to that because I have lost all three childhood friends and my grandmother in a 2 year period prior to our relationship along with the stress of my mother fighting lung cancer. For me she made life feel whole my stories about my friends weren't just stories to her but memories of people she also knew. I found her unconscious hanging half way out the shower with blood on the floor and her face down. I turned her over to see her face pale with a hazy white glaze starting to go over her eyes. Lips ears around the eyes had turned blue. I gave her CPR and in the first minute I threw up because of the adrenaline and the poor condition of my lungs from being a smoker. I quit cigarettes after this. I could only think of the child and pulled myself together and continued to do CPR. I finally got the color back and a faint pulse. I called for help and that is when I found out she was fighting an addiction. I couldn't sleep without wondering if she was going to die. After a few sleepless days I took a break and it wasn't because of lack of sleep. She seemed more upset that she was revived and that it wasn't a big deal to her that it happened. I realized then she was going to eventually kill herself regardless of what I did. I went to help my family out because they needed it and we talked off and on and eventually she disappeared and then I got the phone call that she died. I know that there wasn't anything that could change that, but it is still hard to forgive myself for not trying. Because regardless of her flaws she was the only woman I dated that made me feel loved and valued. But, life must go on and holding on to regret does nothing to protect you from regretting something else in the future.
@pattyofurniture agreed. If you think doing the necessary things in your relationship (communication, intimacy, and the like) are "sacrifices"? You may not be ready for a relationship
I agree in the sense that often life is not like the movies and you'll have to sacrifice some things, like my SO had to sacrifice the idea of us having a wedding or being "traditional". Those are things he wanted, but sacrificed for our relationship. But in the day-to-day of being together, love should not feel like a sacrifice. Sure sometimes you give up some of your free time or sleep to care for them and vice versa, but being together and in a relationship shouldn't feel like sacrifice. I've always disagreed with thr sentiment that love is hard. Life is hard, but love should always be easy imo. Loving my partner is easy, one of the easiest things that I do.
Sounds like toxic "Why do you alwayshang out with your friends, I thought you would ditch them ater marriage" Disney BS. I'm not compromising my happines and comfort for the sake of anyone. What oyu descripe doesn't sound like love to me, it sounds like obsession. Something a 50 year old housewife who hates her husband would say.
The best definition I've heard is this: "Love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object." -Voddie Baucham
"Love is not going to be enough, how you love each other is what's going to make the difference" just a beautiful and true statement.
True love is not just a feeling. It shows itself in action by caring for and doing what’s best for your partner
Yup.
TLDR: the word Love being spoken is a truthiness.
But "How" you Love each other IS the definition of Love. Does he ever ask them "do you know what Love is? the dictionary definition of it? I bet he will find wrong answers only, like " she doesn't love me when she questions me", which is not the definition of love.
That's how it should be
Yes, so exact this is. Love as a sentiment, is just not going to be enough. I have just realized this and reflected this back to this person, I think they realize it is the how, the connection I need to feel, not the word love.
This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships. Friendships, familial relationships, literally any instance where you are in some kind of relationship with someone.
ayo a wild goblin guy. very nice take as always
True. I lived with an aunt who would never take accountability, always throw blame, and be very passive-aggressive, amongst other qualities.
Those 12 years sucked. I felt like I was going insane, with suicidal thoughts screaming in my head from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep.
I left, I'm healing and doing a lot better.
She's lonely and trying to get me to go back.
I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SHOW UP ON THIS CHANNEL SOONER OR LATER- hi comrade!!
There is no more communication, even with family members. Luckily my daughter makes this effort, and I hope that generation follows suit.
I'm working on my social anxiety and rejection sensitivity towards communication. It can always feel like your suggestion for accommodation will be immediately turned down based on the way you were raised.
Giving up on trying to connect but still love them is how you'll cry on your mother's deathbed but wouldn't come home to spend watching a movie with her. I'm so mentally exhausted and deprived of parental love to start somewhere with a mother that comes home at 9pm everyday and leave before I wake up in the morning. By the time she's home, I'm drowned with homework. Our window of bonding moments are cut fruits and movie night once in two weeks. I think I rather relish that than trying something new
“Saying I do doesn’t mean you can, it just means you want to”🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
I can, and I will, and I do.
Action- to do.
Not always ..the xhusband was in it to get what he could for himself.
@@crankiemanx8423
Ah, the sting of betrayal due to lack of respect and integrity.
Tres mal.
Completely agreed 👍
Many don’t even want to. They have zero desire to actually put in the work.
as Nietzsche says “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
It’s usually d lack of responsibility, capacity/capability, and willingness/commitment. That’s y arranged marriages have a higher rate of success, especially in d East. Responsibility and commitment, in front of d gods r sacrosanct.
Yeah, well, Nietzsche was a hack philosopher who also said all humans strive for power and the ubermensch will be born from this struggle.
Well my marriage feels like just living with a best friend. Its not exactly lovely
@@kman9884Okay, and? Being wrong about one thing doesn't mean you're wrong about everything. Is smoking good because Hitler was anti-smoking?
@@keroki932Why is that not lovely?
Absolutely true. I rather respect and trust anytime over hearing " I love you," with disrespect and no trust.
Indeed
My mother often said, "Respect is more important in a marriage than love." When my teenage neice asked me for advice on how to pick a good boyfriend, I told her, "Pick someone who respects himself, respects you, and respects others." It's hard to go wrong with someone like that.
This is great! Love can be fleating respect will get you through highs and lows amd all the difficult times
Really hard for people whose parents never respected them even given the same advice. Bc what does respect look like
What is one respecting own self to you mean ? What behaviors or action you take as this person is rescpecting ownself and others show the opposite.
@aleynamutlu4206 what do you even mean. Self love, a person that treat their mind, body and spirt with love, etc. Etc.
I like it❤
Fact! I love that quote, "Saying 'I do' is not just you can, it's 'I want to'". Yes, just yes. Love this short! It's all true! I'm not married, but I think this applies for live-in partnerships too.
Yea, the only difference between the two is that one includes a ring
@@Zazabazaa Yes, and the piece of paper.
The solemn vows and commitment of a wedding are I think taken far too lightly as just part of the old ceremony we are expected to perform; I wonder whether a lot of people who get married actually think about what they’re swearing to *DO* for the rest of their lives, actually think about it after the wedding’s over (except to do fun, jabby wordplay to get their way), and actually recognize that the oath they took is genuinely more important in their lives than any personal whims they might experience. (While it remains unbroken by the other party in the covenant, you have a divine, existential, or however else you want to define it, duty to uphold your end by genuinely cherishing and taking care of your partner, mutually)
@@vulpezerdavulcan9055 Yes, I think many take it too lightly and many use it as a social ticket to be allowed to be sexually active - which in my opinion is ridiculous because the actual 'in sickness and in health do death do us part...I DO' us FAR more important than whether two people are active in the bedroom. I agree, it's about the legal, moral and ethical oath you take to commit, standby, look after and LOVE the other. A lot of people think marriage is the end goal, not the beginning and a lot of these younger people especially only think as far as the wedding day and not about the marriage itself. Could not agree more!!! It's why live-in partners are more and more common in non-US countries and less and less people are getting married progressively over the years. I actually saw an article that they're dropping relatively considerably in Europe. People often spend years together first and then get married later.
@@strawberrykatnzYes, I live in Europe and everyone I know lives with their partner way before they start thinking about marriage. I've been living with my boyfriend for 1,5 years and I think it's generally much better this way because this is how you truly get to know a person and how your dynamic works out.
My mom always said "love is a verb". It's more than a feeling, it's how we treat each other ❤
Right… If you are truly in love with each other the actions he just explained should be the examples of that love.
😊 that's what I always say about parent,.mother and father. They're verbs not just titles. We need to actively make an effort in our relationships.
“A fish and a bird can fall in love, it doesn’t mean that they can have a life together.” Love is not enough. Great video.
"A fish and a bird can fall in love, but where would they build their nest?"
-Corrina Corrina
Saying "I do" doesn't mean you can. It just means you want to.
Powerful words!
Powerful word's
I remember hearing about a study on couples who viewed loved as a feeling vs those who viewed it as a choice. Those who treated it like a daily choice has a vastly lower divorce rate.
Yeah cuz the wise ones are aware that the feeling is the honeymoon phase, and the honeymoon phase is temporary.
Because in love is a feeling. Loving someone is a choice. Loving someone is not just happening overnight, it’s practicing everyday.
Initial attraction and romantic love isn’t a choice as far as “who” we will fall in love with…But continuing to love them is. Speaking as someone who has both chosen to stop loving people and succeeded, as well as currently choosing to love my partner even when it’s not easy to do so… Two things I’ve heard from other people have allowed me as a women to stay in love with the man of my dreams!
1. It’s okay to not be in awe and feel like you are always inspired by them. They are human after all. Sometimes they don’t do the right things, and sometimes they are boring to us at times…If you feel unimpressed with them sometimes it’s not a sign that they aren’t the one. It’s a sign that your rose colored lenses are fading, and that is a good thing.
2. We as people tend to value and get attached to what we invest in. During the early stages of our relationship when I couldn’t see him as much I felt like some of the good feelings were fading. And I realized I hadn’t done anything for him in a while. So I did some errands and other things for him that I knew would help him that would take up a bit of my personal time. For me the love feelings returned because choosing to do things for him that took a lot of effort made me reflect on why I was doing it. And it was because I loved and appreciated him and wanted to show it!💗
@@nnthotExactly! And we use the word 'love' for both, so there's a lot of confusion
@@Nashleyism Right! That is a real problem for so many things in life. Just like the word high value. People confuse it with high earnings. Yes money has value, but money is not connected with a human beings value. A man or woman’s value is…. Personal qualities. Not earnings or belongings.
I love my family but I don't like them. My love for them is not enough to accept their abuse.
To me, that means you love yourself so much that abuse is unacceptable. Good work!
Genuine question, how can you love your abusers? It was my understanding that love is something that requires an environment where you trust a person enough to be vulnerable and intimate.
My mother was the person who caused me the most misery growing up. So her saying "I love you" is hollow. I certainly don't have any affection for her.
My understanding of love is only theoretical as I have no recollection of experiencing such a supposedly profound bond. I've grieved for a grandfather and the family dog, but otherwise my feelings for people don't seem to surpass fondness.
You can love your family from a distance and it does not mean you are obligated to be around them and be abused. You can also love yourself enough to know that you don't deserve to be abused by anyone. Abuse does not equal love. No matter who it comes from
@@Verboten_Joey I’m not sure if what. I say will make sense. I grew up being conditioned to believe that without my Mother, I could do nothing. I would work, give her money and gifts, give her most of my time and attention. I was her person who took care of her every need and want but I was her child. I was brainwashed into believing this was normal. But I still loved her. Now that I have gotten help ( for all the bad things in my childhood such) I can see how it all really was and now I try not to feel anything at all, no love, just nothing. Some people can relate or empathize with their abusers. After what she did to me when I had my twins, I can’t emphasize with her.
@@lacesspace That's messed up. I'm sorry your mother subjected you to such extreme manipulation. My mother didn't attempt that specifically. She was however, verbally and emotionally abusive, while claiming to be a nurturing and loving mother. As well as being bipolar and a hoarder.
As I've become desensitized to her abuse, her tactics have become transparent. When she's confronted with her abuses, she'll redirect the conversation by going on a long emotional rant about her past suffering, which may or may not be accurate. It's intended to distract from her abuses and recast herself as the victim, manipulating the one confronting her into empathizing with her, while blaming everyone else for their estrangements.
My two sisters have gone no contact, one of which is now married with a toddler. My mother hasn't met her son in law or grand daughter. I don't blame my sisters at all, it's a reasonable response to years of abuse.
I've never seen someone articulate my own questions back at me so clearly. Thank you!!!
And each question I'm like, "no. No. Nah. Nope. Nuh uh... Nnnnn...well its complicated.. but no"
He's taking a risk and being vulnerable about his experiences and lessons which is the easiest occupation the world.
So true. Love isn't how you feel about someone it's how you uplift them.
He said loving won't be enough, then described REAL love
What his talking about is true love. Unconditional with no selfish ambition or thoughts.
@@abaskabawhen you love, you don't have to think a lot, you just love. Love is the thing that affects your thoughts, not the opposite.
@@Asura1733most people don’t even know what they like or love. They don’t even love their own body enough to eat healthy and exercise. Forget actually studying or building a solid future. How many r able to kick bad habits when they realize it?? When such people love, it’s just as weak as their love for other things in their lives. So… simply having that feeling doesn’t mean that they’re capable of delivering that love.
@@abaskaba a crush has non conditions. but love has one condition. that you receive love back.
@@Exl_KaldraDAMN THIS COMMENT GOT ME SHOOK
I’m a marriage counselor in Texas I work remotely with people from all over the United States). I’ve been seeing couples for well over a decade, and I am delighted to hear these sorts of ideas being talked about openly online! Every word you say is the truth.
I’ve met too many people who aren’t interested in putting in the work. Intimate relationship will bring up the most tender places in us. It can make us sooo happy, and it can make us sooo miserable…
Why?
A romantic relationship is supposed to trigger the places in you where you need to face yourself most. it is in our intimate relationships that we are given our best chance for healing and conscious growth in ourselves. And what a gift it is to be able to offer that kind of healing and conscious growth to our partner as well.
Paige Bartholomew
🌿
Ummm, you should start your own UA-cam channel. Well said and thank you for posting your comment.👍🫶
Totally agree ❤
Thank you for sharing your knowledge! ❤
Best comment ever! Pure relationship wisdom.
Thank you for this! 💙
Damn. This hits hard. Just because you WANT to doesn't mean you CAN. Life lesson. Thank you.
Fifty one years together this weekend. I’ve never heard anything phrased more beautifully than his words here.
Congratulations!!! 🎊 🎊 🎊 💐
Love is patient, love is kind, love has no bounds and most importantly, love is eternal.
I was looking for this comment!
It's so easy to say 'I love you'. Following that up with meaningful actions each day is a whole different thing.
This short is relationship gold.
The most honest advice you'll ever hear.
I always was told growing up that love without respect isn’t sustainable. Your advice is so solid.
I wish I had heard these things before my divorce. Before the problems got to the point of no return. I know, all we can do now is try to be better for our future partners but in my soul…I never wanted another. I was just too ignorant to understand that I was arrogant and didn’t have all the answers..
The JESUS_Status?? Arrogance admitted? Are we sure about this 😉
Same.
Agree marriages fall apart when arrogance seeps in and we fail to admit we are wrong.
I respect a human who can see and admit their own mistakes and shortcomings. Sending hugs.
Perhaps you can tell her this & then who knows what the Lord can do (re-marriage perhaps)
I always used to say that love doesn't solve anything, it just gives you the motivation to keep trying. Which can be good or bad, depending.
“Saying ‘I do’ doesn’t mean you can, it just means that you want to.”
Wow.
I think this broke something in my brain that needed to be broken.
Thank you.
Goddamn can we get this guy massively famous already!?! He needs to be everywhere talking to everyone cuz this guy freakin gets it! He needs a way bigger platform, way more followers, this is the pace that needs to be set for people everywhere.
💯💯💯 been with my husband over 16 years and I truly believe the thing that has kept us strong is that we whole heartedly trust each other and we just get better and better at communicating.. we were terrible at it at first because we both just got out of severely toxic relationships when we met (which bonded us) but the longer we’ve been together the better we’ve gotten and now we hardly ever argue or bicker anymore.. communication is definitely key! ❤
Those first couple years are always guttural for me! It's like working out the kinks in a new skill: it's naturally going to take time to get the hang of something new to us, let alone an entire human being! I love my partner with all my heart and I want to see it through with him, but he has a lot of unresolved trauma he needs to work through. Even still he's beaten all the odds and I'm so proud of him 🙂
😮 saying you do doesn't mean you can... that is something to think about - should be a part of every marriage counseller's must give advice!
The realest short speech I heard in awhile..LOVE is not a perfect thing. It acquires all that he just mentioned. Love is so misunderstood, misused and devalued nowadays.U get into one simple argument with someone U "LOVE" and it's the end of the world, then U both hurry to find someone else and do the toxicity thing all over again. LOVE is not that..
I agree 💯. You don't understand this when you are young. You think Love is everything. But it's not enough. When you get older, you realize this.
How do I like this a million more times? This is absolute truth. Thank you for doing this channel you’re so inspiring and remind me each time what’s important.
Great message. I wanted to share my other thoughts on a successful relationship, which took me decades to figure out. I never understood that a marriage is a partnership, kinda like a business. Someone brings in the money, someone runs operations and someone looks after the people, training and development etc. Like work there is conflict, errors, trials and tribulations. Along with wins and celebrations. Essentially, you are building an empire together with a joint vision, based on solid values. If you are not in it for that same vision to build something together as a partnership.... then it's not for you.
“ Do you WORK to appreciate each other?” Amazing!! All good things take intentionality!!! ❤❤❤
Thank you for your channel. My sister finally found someone that seems perfect for her, but the two struggle with the same relationship skills. They're falling apart but are still so in love and want to make it work.
I showed them this video. They're talking again and taking responsibility for how they hurt the other. I have hope again for them. Thank you.
I think that’s when true love comes into play because when you truly love someone, those things matter to you and you work on them.
THANK YOU! i've been saying since i was in my 20s "love doesn't have anything to do with it." you can love someone who turns into an alcoholic or a drug addict or an abusive psycho. it doesn't matter that you love them, you have to protect yourself if the situation isn't addressed. the "but i love him/her" is craziness and a fast trip to unhappiness.
Gave me chills. Thank you so much for spreading this message. This is so important, and we need more people saying this. It would save so much trauma
I feel like relationship videos like this shouldn't be just for people in relationships but also people looking to be in one or just everyone in general. I'm about to walk into a relationship myself for the first time and these have been really helpful to me.
At 59 years old I have learnt to always always trust your gut feelings because it’s never wrong 💕🇨🇦
" saying I do , doesn't mean I CAN IT JUST MEANS YOU WANT TOO!".... DANGGGG JIMMY...
Everything you said, PLUS (and this cannot be overstated enough) aligned values and lifestyles are absolutely fundamental for a good, harmonious relationship to be sustained in the long term. You can have all the love in the world for one another but if you don’t share the same values and your lifestyles don’t match up, it’s going to feel like you’re trekking Mt. Everest blind with 2000 pounds of dead weight. 😮💨😫 (Can you tell I’m speaking from experience?)
So true 👍 vulnerability, Trust, respect, passion, kindness, conflict resolution and stay calm and talk through it.
Exactly. That's why i feel frustrated when i hear " i love you" from someone who cares about nothing but his/her needs and satisfaction in a relationship , wether it's a friend a spouse or a family member. I feel numb and disgusted.
I learned this lesson a long time ago. Love is not enough. It’s an emotional connection that gives you the strength and motivation to work hard on being trustworthy, being respectful, being willing to trust, hanging in there for the hard times, but all that needs to be returned. If it’s not, it’s just a one sided relationship that leaves you hurt and lonely.❤
Thank you, your little homilies are healing my old heart.❤
True that. Love comes and goes, fades in and out over decades. Commitment and loyalty are to the grave.
So that means you totally could and should be in a relationship with someone that you absolutely do *not* love, but it will be fine, because if you commit enough and can settle arguments and all those stuff, it is absolutely of no importance if you love each other because "love comes and goes"? I beg to differ.
Loving soneone means to deeply care about them. And if you don't even really care for someone, there is neither use nor hope for a lastimg relationship.
Women are only loyal to their feelings.
I hold loyalty above all else, even above love.
@@mikef2811 There is no love without loyalty. How can you call it "love" if you aren't even loyal? Wtf.
Loyalty is one part of what love is. Only love is far, f a r more than simple loyalty.
@@elektra121 DUTY, it has nothing to do with loving someone. It is about doing one's duty. I have known women who were arrange marriage to ugly men and they stay with them out of duty.
I learned this from my dad. Love is an action. It’s hard work everyday to choose to love somebody.
100%! It’s a feeling put into action and we all know, actions speak louder than our words do
Amen!!
This applies to spouses, children, and parents too.
This man has thought this through .. amazing insight! Relationships can affirm feelings but loyalty , respect , getting through the hard times and standing up for each other .. that counts more, in my opinion.
Unfortunately growing up without a good example of “love”, I am genuinely not sure to this day if the loves I have had were ever real. They were messy, stressful, unsafe, hurtful & isolating.
Looking back is all very well & good, but with all the self reflection I have done, I am now to scared to date as I don’t want to be burnt again. My vulnerability is still perhaps mending, but at the same time I have addressed so many of my childhood trauma & relationship nightmares, as well as understanding more about my own areas that may come off as mistrusting, weak or a push over. I have been over accommodating, too forgiving, will compromise all the way, therefore no longer an actual definition of compormise!
I hope there is a partner out there for me, one who enjoys my passion for adventure, loves my idiosyncrasies, my sarcastic sense of humour, my eclectic taste in music & need to sing super loud on car journeys!
I want to be able to melt into someone’s arms & KNOW that those arms are not protecting anyone else.
I would love my partner to feel proud when we are out together, to have their hand placed on the small of my back - gently letting me know that we’re a WE so I never need to have negative thoughts encroach.
I am getting older, but I needed to find myself & I am happy to continue being single until the right one comes along.
In 2021 year I had a great spark ✨ with someone, but something changed overnight & I know it wasn’t me. They tried to play the let’s be friends, you’re such an amazing woman card, but if I am THAT AMAZING why aren’t we together?! I have no need for “friends” like that.
They are out there somewhere. Until that day I will continue to be the best me I can be so I feel good about myself & know I have CHOSEN to be single & not SETTLE.
🖤🪽
I am finally starting to accept that. My heart hurts because I love him very much but it also hurts from all the pain that came with it along the way.
Unfortunately for us love alone isn’t gonna fix this.
What kind of pain are you talking about?Did you cheat on him?
@@frank1fm634Wow. I'm sad for your pain, too, Frank.
Dude, you are so good at this and helping so many people save their relationship or gain the insight that they need to get out. Thanks!
Love is the reason I will make everything of the latter you mentioned, even though those things will cost me all my energy, time and struggle.
Love isn't a feeling, its action. And that is what he was explaining.
As much as I don’t like hearing the hard truths you’re not wrong and I’m grateful that you’re putting messages like these out I probably have a lot to work on in my relationship and you’re to thank for it
Jesus, relational clarity couldn’t be better defined ❤
I blamed my ex for all these problems when I myself was not a safe place for him. It’s taken a long time to self reflect and see my wrong doings. I will continue to do the work so I don’t repeat the same patterns in the future. 🙏
Good for you and good luck!
Your definition of sustainability of a couple defines "love".
That's what I told my ex husband when we divorced amicably. Love is not enough to keep us together. We just married too quickly. Great insight, thank you.
I love my partner, because of the respect, the vulnerability and the safe space he gave me. And I am grateful for this every day.
When I got married my uncles pearls of wisdom where "it's great you fell in love, but it is more important to fall in like" there are going to be hard days. But if you both like each other and want to make it work you will make space for the others needs.
Exactly, especially the trust. Once you've lost that trust it's hard to get it back
Connection, intimacy, respect, kindness, safety are the fruits of real love which sustains the relationship.
It is not love that creates commitment. Instead, it is commitment that nurtures love 💖
Perfectly said!!!! 13 years married and going strong due to every point you just made.
You can fall out of love just as easily as you can fall in love... my favorite line about relationships is "it doesn't matter how strong your walls are, if your foundation is broken, your house will crumble."
You give the best relationship advice ❤
This is pretty spot on!! May the young adults get this kind of wisdom and knowledge!!ASE!!!
That’s all part of the definition of love. Love is not words, love is actions in large part. ❤
This is for all of the relationships in your life. So many people stay in unhealthy relationships with so many people in their lives because they "love" love that person.
There's so many different kinds of love. Loving someone who doesn't treat you the same way isn't love. It's a trauma response.
Straight up facts, right here! Communication and how you resolve conflicts is key at the end of the day!
Very very well said! Respect, trust and feeling safe are important and those lead to love not vise Versa.
Wow. This feels like he summed up everything you ever needed to know about relationships in one minute 😳
This is so important. This truth is eye-opening and life-saving. Thank you for saying this
More people need to be taught this stuff!!! ❤❤❤
Love is always enough.
The only thing insufficient is people's understanding of what it means to truly love.
Love is enough 💯
Thank you, LOVE IS ENOUGH. So sad the millions know not what love is 😢
This is the most true thing he has said. After 14years and 4kids. I realized this and started listening and working together better. It's respect, love and common goals. I got lucky that she put up with me till I realized how to fully commit and hear her. To emphasize that she is stressed also and needs support. Love her more each and everyday.❤
I'm beyond glad this has worked for some.
That's so great ❤
How beautiful, am glad things worked out. I have also been with my partner 14 years & we have 4 children together. I sadly ended it last week, i could no longer do it. Love just wasnt enough. Its heart breaking but life goes on
@nolaaaxx3579 Sorry for needing to make that desicion. Well done for your bravery. Hope you have the support you in this time to assist in the healing process.
All the very best.
Lots of blessings your way 🌻
@@nolaaaxx3579 what was happening that you told yourself you could no longer, "do it"?
Words that make you think good and hard especially when you get physically abused and verbally abused 😢
I wish I had found this channel before one meeting one of my exes. I think we would’ve both been better towards each other if we had this knowledge
Yesss!!! I tell everyone that will listen that love is a decision, and action, not a feeling.
You are bringing healing wisdom and understanding to families and doing incredible work for couples and families ❤ brilliant
💯💯💯. Love alone is never enough. Or rather you can't just feel love for one another, you have to both ACT with love. Treat each other with kindness and respect, take care of one another, support each other.
It actually sad how many grown adults dont even know what love is not even you love is not a feeling and "falling in love" doesnt exist love is a choice
Sounds like a deep, honest, and straightforward Tony Robbins talk
Everything he describes which is all valid is all in my definition of love. Love isn't a feeling, it's a lifestyle of caring in everyday.
My darling had a catastrophic stroke 10 years ago. He’s been basically in dementia since then. The ONLY thing that has kept me going, in caring for him, in remaining faithful, in putting his needs first - is love. I think about the man he was and I can’t betray him. In sickness and in health is what I promised and it’s what Im delivering. He can’t thank or respect me anymore but I have enough love for two. I “miss” him everyday.
just wanted to say thank you, I hope god gives you all the strength in the world and happiness
You are amazing, and know how to love.
Jesus heals dementia. Give Him a try. God bless your heart
@@IbelongtoJesus311I am a Christian. Unfortunately just because Jesus can, doesn't mean he will. God doesn't promise us no hardships or healing from trauma/hurt while here on earth, but he does promise us eternal joy once we're in heaven. Though it is true He can, it's very easy to ask, be told no, and get somewhat bitter. Try not to get her hopes up.
@briannaphillips3633 Why do you think Jesus will say no to your request or prayer? Matthew 7:7-8 He promised in His word that whoever asks will receive. Have faith in Him and His love for you and your loved ones
Thank you. This is definitely something everyone needs to hear and understand about relationships.
I agree this quote «Love is not gonna be enough. How you love each other is what’s going to make the difference»
Arlen the guy always has to do all the work in a relationship.I can not find any women today that are wife material.Feminism and social media has totally killed dating for men.All the women today are 304's and have high body counts.Once a woman starts going over a 9 in body count they can not pair bond with a guy.They wiill sabotage a relationship and eventually cheat.
Love is definitely enough and the only way what the guy in the video is talking about is "being in love" in other words a feeling which feelings fade love does not fade love is ever ending love is the main imgredient in love, trust, connection and intimacy
He's right
Too many people see love as a " prize"
A " reward"
Authentic Love has Nothing to do with acquisition
Love IS enough.. because love IS connection, intimacy, trust, safety, accountability, respect, willingness to build all of them.. love IS enough
Having been in a relationship where I did not feel safe to be open with my emotions, damn is this true.
Still sad I could not make that one work, but I think we are better as friends then as a couple
This goes for any kind of relationship! Also for friends and especially family members.. needed to hear that especially during that time of the year..
Thank you for those words, I just understood why I broke up with my last partner
The last woman I loved died last year and I have known her since I was 13. She went through a lot in life and when her brother passed away she lost the will to live. I reconnected with her after her brother died, and she just had a baby. I could see it in her eyes how tired she was with life and part of me was drawn to that because I have lost all three childhood friends and my grandmother in a 2 year period prior to our relationship along with the stress of my mother fighting lung cancer. For me she made life feel whole my stories about my friends weren't just stories to her but memories of people she also knew. I found her unconscious hanging half way out the shower with blood on the floor and her face down. I turned her over to see her face pale with a hazy white glaze starting to go over her eyes. Lips ears around the eyes had turned blue. I gave her CPR and in the first minute I threw up because of the adrenaline and the poor condition of my lungs from being a smoker. I quit cigarettes after this. I could only think of the child and pulled myself together and continued to do CPR. I finally got the color back and a faint pulse. I called for help and that is when I found out she was fighting an addiction. I couldn't sleep without wondering if she was going to die. After a few sleepless days I took a break and it wasn't because of lack of sleep. She seemed more upset that she was revived and that it wasn't a big deal to her that it happened. I realized then she was going to eventually kill herself regardless of what I did. I went to help my family out because they needed it and we talked off and on and eventually she disappeared and then I got the phone call that she died. I know that there wasn't anything that could change that, but it is still hard to forgive myself for not trying. Because regardless of her flaws she was the only woman I dated that made me feel loved and valued. But, life must go on and holding on to regret does nothing to protect you from regretting something else in the future.
Bro, that’s the definition of love.
True love is sacrifice. Which includes all those things. Love is not just a feeling but a choice
If it's a sacrifice, I don't think it's love.
@pattyofurniture agreed. If you think doing the necessary things in your relationship (communication, intimacy, and the like) are "sacrifices"? You may not be ready for a relationship
I agree in the sense that often life is not like the movies and you'll have to sacrifice some things, like my SO had to sacrifice the idea of us having a wedding or being "traditional". Those are things he wanted, but sacrificed for our relationship. But in the day-to-day of being together, love should not feel like a sacrifice. Sure sometimes you give up some of your free time or sleep to care for them and vice versa, but being together and in a relationship shouldn't feel like sacrifice. I've always disagreed with thr sentiment that love is hard. Life is hard, but love should always be easy imo. Loving my partner is easy, one of the easiest things that I do.
Sounds like toxic "Why do you alwayshang out with your friends, I thought you would ditch them ater marriage" Disney BS. I'm not compromising my happines and comfort for the sake of anyone. What oyu descripe doesn't sound like love to me, it sounds like obsession. Something a 50 year old housewife who hates her husband would say.
Exactly!!!! This is soooo true !!!! I love watching your videos. They are always making a great point. ❤❤❤
I needed this channel 20 years ago!
The best definition I've heard is this:
"Love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object."
-Voddie Baucham
You are by far the best relationship expert on youtube. Thank you!
Really beautifully said ❤