For the cousin who is misgendering... it's likely a response to visual stimuli. Your brain is subconsciously aligning the face with the birth name and old pronouns. Practice using the correct ones with the cousin or even having pretend conversations with them while looking at a picture or video or something of them. It'll train your brain to start aligning the correct name and pronouns with the face.
this is really solid advice!! i'm trans myself, and i never thought of talking to a picture to train your brain into learning the new pronouns and name. that's really clever
This is way better advice than the people saying "just use the right name" 😂. Lol, I also just assumed the cousin might be female presenting or still look quite feminine, because I'm in the same situation. It's not nearly as bad as the rest of the family, but my sister who is nonbinary is female presenting and hardly ever corrects anyone when they are called she.
This may not be similar, but I think this is funny. When I used to be very young kid there was a guy at a school that had a long ponytail and I used to refer to them as a girl/think of them like that. it took a while for my ADHD brain to realize that they were a guy, even with teachers, and likely him, telling me he was a dude. Skip forward to today and I’m a femboy rocking a ponytail myself.
I did not socially transition until I was 48. I didn't want to do it because I knew I would not go back to boy mode. I was punished at a young age if I showed any female traits or actions. The only reason I started when I did was I almost died from two heart attacks and was afraid of not being myself. I still haven't told most of my family due to religious and political leanings on their part. My son knows and completely supports me and is even referring to me as she/her.
I'm glad you have some safe places to be yourself, and hope that the rest of your family comes around. Clearly you raised a great kiddo, supporting his mom 😊
I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm very glad you can express yourself now. My stepmom delt with the same thing but she was able to come out to us last year and me and my family have been making sure she feels welcome. So I'm very glad that your son is supportive, you clearly raised him very well. I hope you live a long and happy life as a wonderful woman and mom!
I have a friend who's been on HRT since she was 12 because of chemo-related long term side effects. Nobody batted an eye or asked if she would not regret it. She's doing great now, btw, 5 years cancer free!
My sibling actually misgenders me more when we're next to each other than when we're not. They're also non-binary, they're just used to A misgender me next to our parents because they're kinda transphobic and B the visual que does actually confuse them.
On the stopping misgendering thing: I remember when I was younger I had a teacher who got divorced halfway through the school year and changed back to her maiden name (I know it's not the same thing but this comparison will make sense in a second). I didn't really struggle with the new name but my mom did. My mom always called her the right name when talking to me and then said the wrong name when talking to my teacher. She said it was because when she was in front of my teacher all she could think was "don't say *old name* don't say *old name* don't say *old name*" and because it was all that was on her mind that's what she ended up saying. I think it's likely a similar concept with that person's cousin. In person they're probably putting extra pressure on themselves so all they're thinking is "don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname*" and that's making them say it. I would encourage them to try to swap their thinking to "do say *name*" instead, so the deadname isn't on their mind and the person's actual name is. That and maybe chill out a bit cause the extra pressure is likely what's causing them to mess up if this is something they actually care about
I identify as Demi sexual - I need to feel a connection to a person and who they are before I can feel sexual attraction, I do also describe myself as pan/bi romantic in that I can feel romantic attraction to any gender/person and that sexual attraction follows. I can see where this question comes from as I know that people do want to have sexual experiences with people they don’t know (I’ve never wanted that) but will also be sexually and romantically attracted after getting to know someone. But that’s just how I understand myself, as you say everyone is different.
I only recently heard that nonbinary is considered under the trans umbrella, and based on the definition that absolutely makes sense. Personally, I (enby) don’t refer to myself as trans because I feel like that would be stepping on the trans experience. I have many trans friends and a couple of trans exes, and since I often present as my assigned birth gender and am almost 100% of the time treated as if I am, I feel like my lived experience differs greatly from what they’ve explained to me living as a trans person is like. I have my own experiences of bigotry and social denial of my gender, but it’s nothing compared with what they live with. I am looking into gender affirming surgery, so maybe once I stop presenting as aligned with my birth gender that will change, but for now I wouldn’t be comfortable referring to myself as trans because I feel like that’s appropriating an experience I don’t share. It was very interesting to learn I technically belong under that umbrella though, and I enjoy talking about it because it often becomes a very nuanced conversation and opportunity to share experiences with other cool people.
I'm nonbinary as well and I don't consider myself trans because I feel like the term is too associated with the binary for me to be comfortable with other people referring to me (specifically) that way. Like if I told someone "I'm trans" they might think I'm a man which I'm not. I like hearing other people's perspectives as well, very interesting :)
I'm enby and I think if an enby person is trans that's ok and that's them. It can be really harmful to shove unwilling NBs under an umbrella that some don't want. As an enby person, whether or not an enby is trans is up to them and them alone
That makes sense! I’m non-binary and only kind of identify as trans (mostly if I comes up I’ll just say I’m queer or use any pronouns or whatever). Both labels are so versatile, and for me it helps having several in my arsenal for when my preferences change (I might be she/they one day and he/they the next, or they/them and later they/it… you get the idea) Both of my friends are non-cis as well (trans and agender) so I try to be careful and keep in mind that my experiences are different than theirs!
There's this concept that I did some googling on after I saw someone else comment about it a few months ago, called gender modality. It basically encompasses the different ways that a person relates their AGAB and actual gender. There are obviously the big two, transgender and cisgender, and then there are a bunch more. A bunch of them are related to intersex people, but some of them, for example, absgender, describe people who don't identify with being trans or cis. I personally relate to this, and it seems like y'all are describing something similar as well. I feel like I've always been my gender identity, it just took me a while to realize what that gender identity was.
This was also more recent news to me. I (nonbinary) don't really consider myself trans. Some parts of my experience overlap with that of trans people, and I'm not opposed to being trans, but it just doesn't feel like a term that fits me. Idk. I haven't really had the trans experience of 'transitioning'. I've always been nonbinary, it was just a matter of learning a word to describe it. Nothing about me has really changed or transitioned upon realizing that the gendered term I was given didn't fit. I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I did have gender affirming surgery. 🤔 (I'd be curious to find out lol.)
The Pan Question: there's a thing called the "Split Attraction Model." Basically there arr multiple types of Attraction that might align or might differ from each other. The "main" types of Attraction often discussed are: Aesthetic, Sensual, Platonic, Romantic, and Sexual attraction. These different attractions can interact and synergize in very... queer ways. Attraction to the "character" or personality sounds similar to "intellectual attraction" which is is basically someone you would want to have a conversation with, could also fit other types of attraction as well. Part 2 of answering that question. In th A-spec communities, there's an understanding of Sex/Romance-Favourable to Sex/Romance-Repulse spectrum. Speaking from experience, Sex-Repulsion can make one lose any desire/interest/attraction to another person or the scale of repulsion overpowers whatever attraction there might have been. Maybe someone could feel a type of Bi or Pan attraction but they have a repulsion that's just too great. Or maybe they just feel a mono-attraction.
I find it so weird that people refuse medical or just even social care for trans people. As someone who sadly will have to transition later in life even with all support, it just seems so cruel to me to actively deny care in any way.
Attraction definitely is more than genitals. I'm a lesbian, yet can sometimes find guys attractive with absolutely zero desire towards them. Also there are certain characteristics (features or personality traits) I find appealing in one gender that when held by the opposite gender are not so appealing at all. Plus the enby crowd throws me for a whole other loop of confused attraction. Sure I desire my partner is penis-less but I also desire them to be a non smoker, non drinker, along with a whole slew of other preferences/attractions. So sexual orientations are relatively minor in comparison to everything else we base our attractions on.
wow, it's the first time I see someone who also prefers their partner to not smoke or drink. I personally will never do either of these and it would be better if my partner also had similar priorities in life:]
Yeah, I don't mind if they have an occasional drink when celebrating (I do like my mimosas at christmas) but overall I find drinking (and especially being drunk) to be off-putting. Smoking is a big no go for me.@@liza-uw3sq
As a neurospicy person, when I’m really involved in a conversation and am excited and having fun I tend to be less careful with my words (mispronouncing words, using similar sounding but entirely incorrect words). I can see how misgendering someone only when you’re with them could come from something similar.
The "isn't everyone bi/pan" question gives me the ick because it reminds me of how straight men can't understand that lesbians exist, especially the lesbians who have never dated or slept with a man before to "fully know". Idk... It just makes me feel weird as if gay, lesbian, or AroAce people (and the spectrum) don't exist... Btw, i used to think that i was pan, so I'm not trying to hate people who have asked that question before because i understand that it's a first step for some people into understanding who they are but it just gives me the ick.
I find it hard to believe that there are straight men in the world that don't believe lesbians exist. Where are you finding these men? Seeing two women together is a straight man's holy grail if they want to get themselves off.
I’ve come out twice, my friends graciously helped me come out to the rest of my friends. First time i told a couple of friends i was very close to, and they overreacted (positively) and it was very overwhelming since id never told anyone. I love them, but it was a lot and i had a surge of anxiety and proceeded to never bring it up again until 8 months later because it was too much and if each reaction was gonna be like that, or every time i asked for my correct pronouns, I couldn’t do that. The second time my one friend turned to the other and said something along the lines of “called it” then they both turned to me and said “we noticed” 😂 Best experience i had coming out, ofc not for everyone but I wasn’t exactly hiding my bios pronouns. (Don’t do this tho if your friend comes out even if you thought they were trans, worked out in my situation but not for everyone)
The face to face deadnaming/misgendering, I've experienced and figured it out. Everyone tells me when I'm not there my mom never misgenders me. But with me around, she does. Here's what I think is happening. Away from me: She is talking to someone else about _me_ specifically. So I'm on her mind. I'm the topic of conversation. She has me, her trans son, actively in her head. Face-to-face: She's mentioning me casually. Like to my sister, us all getting out of the car, "Oh, she can grab my bags." (Instead of he.) She's not talking _about_ me, more just referencing me without thought, and the old pronouns slip in. I hope that made sense and understanding what was happening helped me to not get so upset. I don't like it, but it's at least understandable now.
6:05 I believe it’s just that they still have a connection between their name and face. I had this problem with all my trans friends where i just linked their face to a specific name.
My old housemate at uni was a philosophy student. As far as he knew he was straight but legitimately talked about how it seemed illogical for people to not be at least somewhat bi/pan. This was in the context of me explaining I'm ace and he seemed to understand that easier than his own sexuality, because it had a clear rule in his mind (at the time I didn't get into microlabels and other forms of attraction which make it a bit more complex).
My tip for misgendering: if you are with that person really remember it the whole time you are with them. And if you want to refer to them pause before you are going to say something and mentally put in the right word. Hope that makes sense haha
I love answering questions!! I feel like people do seem scared to ask and possibly ‘insult’ me, which is sad even when people pass off asking questions as they ‘don’t have any’. I don’t push people though, I would never force someone if they aren’t comfortable 🤷🏽♀️
About insulting cis/straight people: I had contact with someone, who saw women and therefore straight men as disgusting. He could not grasp the concept of someone being interesting in a female person. He was the most... heterophobic person i have ever seen. It was really weird.
The worry of reacting wrong to a their friend coming out reminds me of how I reacted to my friend coming out to me. My reaction to her telling me she was into women was just “Oh, ok”.
On the last question, I think there's also a lot of LGBT+ folks who have trauma around religion and the experience of growing up in a religious environment where they weren't accepted or supported
With the stopping misgendering/deadnaming: when my daughter came to me & told me that she is my daughter I would slip because I was just so used to deadname. When referring to her in thought/conversation with others it was easier to remember her request because she told me that reinforcing it with others in our family was more important than keeping up with what her name of the day might be. She got to the point that she told me to check what her name on Discord was that day to see how to refer to her because 1) she changed her name several times that first week so keeping up with that was on a day to day thing still. 2) reminding people that she was herself was the important thing. I will say that Facebook doesn’t help when they pop up memories of your loved one that is now a deadname & cannot be brought up with anyone. Those are the times that I slip the most. My daughter refuses to allow those to be shared or brought up to her. It’s like being back in the previous generations & not being able to talk about a miscarriage, but it’s what she wants. I’m working instead on focusing on making new memories with my daughter. There are so many less “first time” moments as she gets older. So I’m trying to not miss any.
I've read a sci fi book where plastic surgery is so easy that changing your sex every couple of years is the norm. And I think that's where the "will there even be sexual orientation" guy is coming from . A thing that I like about the book is the writer saying how people still have preferences, there's just more options. some people are always gay no matter their body, others are always attracted to women, etc
i don't know a whole lot about this but I think theyre often desirable for trans people to look less like their AGAB, such as T blockers reducing facial hair and balding patterns, E blockers reducing or eliminating periods, removing the opposite hormone when taking HRT to prevent imbalance, if you wanna learn more about it maybe ask on a trans subreddit or tumblr, i think hormones also affect mood and behaviour so that could be a desirable effect, idk much tho im not a doctor
It is true the best time to start Puberty blockers is right before it would start, and it sucks if you can't get them until you're 13, 14, 15, or even 16 years old as changes will occur, but it is worth still taking them even later into puberty as they can prevent further changes from happening. An amab person might already have a voice drop or lower growth by 15, but starting blockers then might prevent them from ever starting to get facial hair or an adam's apple. An afab person might already have their period at 14 and some breast growth, but starting blockers then will hopefully prevent them from growing any bigger and their hips getting wider.
"how do you feel about non-queer people using the word 'queer'" feels like such a more-societally-accepted-queer-person kind of question. there are some queer people for whom 'queer' is the ONLY word that exists for us yet. some queer folk for whom our correct and only identity-term IS 'queer', because society just doesn't recognise or understand our form of queerness to the point that there's no other word FOR it yet. some forms of queerness are so extremely marginalised that so few of us even understand this aspect of ourselves yet, and no-one has been able to coin a term for it yet. or if they have it's in some hidden corner that hasn't been able to gain the traction and reach far enough for the rest of us who'd share the identity to be aware of the word yet. not to mention the many, many kinds of queerfolk for whom 'queer' is the only SAFE word to use for ourselves, and have others call us, because the accurate specific term for our queer identities is either so vanishingly rare and unheard-of, or so widely misunderstood, that using our specific identity term results in being forced to either endure bigoted attacks on our identity's existence, or slog through an exhausting conversation about what our identity even means, every time we refer to ourselves as queer. do you know how exhausting, how othering and invalidating and soul-destroying it is, to have to explain and justify your own existence every single time you even mention your identity to someone? would you want a cishet nonqueer person to be in a position of explaining your extremely misunderstood and unknown queer identity to other people when you're not around? we wouldn't. and all the kinds of queerfolk who experience so many different kinds of queerness at once, that the only word that can comfortably recognise our identity is 'queer' because it's an umbrella term that includes and validates all of our queer identities equally. and the only other way to refer to us would be an entire laundry list of queer identity terms, and that's just tiring and cumbersome and most people aren't willing to do it, and wouldn't even want others to refer to them that way. some queer people do not have the LUXURY of being "uncomfortable" with nonqueer people using the word 'queer' for us, because it is the only word, or the only safe word, that can be used for us at all.
As a non-binary person, I refer to myself as trans-masc or trans non-binary. I am not speaking for all nb people when I say this and like he said in the video, it depends on the individuals :D
About the cousin keeps misgendering them when they're in person only. It makes sense. I was taught from a young age to identify older generations and call them by the perspective titles like ma'am, miss, sir, etc. So our mindset goes too physical descriptions. I had this problem too and I've gotten better at not misgendering people but if OP is saying the wrong pronouns just apologize to the cousin & work with them on changing your mindset. It takes time.
I had a hard time talking about my friend and stories about them in the past with other people and constantly corrected myself because I was so used to telling the stories using their old pronouns. It took a while since we’d just reconnected so I hadn’t talked about them in a long time, but the more we started hanging out the struggle faded very quickly.
24:45 i identify as queer for both my gender and sexuality, so i think about this a lot. my personal take is that cishet people can say "queer" as a specified identity label or community term when applicable like "so and so identifies as queer or genderqueer" or "this will impact the entire queer community" but not as a noun or unspecified identity label/adjective like "look at those queers" or "that was really queer of you" or "are you queer?" im on the fence about this one in the video though because it seems out of line in a way, especially since we don't know the preferences of the friends involved. i feel like shes trying to say "queer community" as a catch all term for multiple different identities, which i think is fine, but its coming out a little more like "i know queers" which is a hard no. definitely don't think any ill-intent went behind this post or anything though. and thats all only one queer's perspective! lol. generally as advice for cishet people i would avoid the term altogether apart from respecting individual identity labels and default to saying LGBTQ+ because "queer" can still very much be used as a slur and some people have different preferences for that stuff. like i said, i do think about this a lot because of just how reclaimed it is at this point and the way i identify myself, its a toughie. *edit for time stamp
I've been learning about sexual configuration theory and it makes so much more sense to my experience than just defining things within orientation. We have an older family member who consistently misgendered and deadnamed a trans family member in conversation (the person themselves wasn't present) and each time we'd point out it was not OK. Well, they went off to the library and got out books about trans lives after realising they need to learn. They're an older generation and quite conservative so I was quite amazed. The jump scare did make me laugh, but hopefully your nerves have settled and the fox is OK too! 💛🦊
24:45 as someone who identifies as queer (ace + bi). I personally prefer it when my friends describe me as queer, because it's more of an "umbrella" term.
I just have to tell you how hard I chuckled at the "oh my god, you gave me a fright!" I'm an American, from Southern West Virginia. I have a deep "hillbilly" accent. I absolutely would have hollered "oh shit! You scared the tar out of me!" 🤣🤣🤣
A lot of us have trauma because of the religion we were raised in. I now worship a deity who is pansexual and gender fluid. I tend to try to avoid people who belong to my former religion because of my trauma.
The topic of if kids should transition medically always hits a hot button for me as a trans guy. I've known I was a guy my entire life, there is not time I didn't know. Unfortunately I grew up in a different time so while my first memory of thinking maybe I should say something goes back as 4-ish years old I didn't come out until I was 29. I work with local schools sometimes as an art educator and have come to know a kid that's trans and just seeing her get all the things I was never allowed has been so healing. Having said that having to listen to them run into the same road blocks I hit as an adult is frustrating and heart breaking. There are many children out there who I'm sure don't have their gender figured out so cut and dry, but given the chance I would have gone in for phallo the moment it was safe, not when someone else decided I was 'old enough' by their personal standards. I'm still facing that issue. It is a straight up transphobic thing to say to anyone of any age, because many steps in my medical transition were road blocked by people saying I wasn't old enough because I was still technically in my 20's at 29. This argument isn't being made towards exclusively children and it's not about age, just like it's not about restrooms.
for the first one, I think it should be used to help start to make people completely out of the loop. It isn't a permanent answer but one that will work to help begin understanding
re: "isn't everybody pan?" this is why kinsey described sexuality as a spectrum. very, very few people would say they are ONLY attracted to genitals, and those few people are almost certainly also transphobic so it wouldn't matter if you're trans, whether or not they're attracted to you depends on the genitals you possess. but for the vast majority of people, sexual orientation is more like a preference, and there's a little bit of wiggle room for someone who differs from their usual criteria but is nonetheless attractive to them. i think i would be best described as asexual and biromantic - i don't really want to have anything to do with penises OR vaginas, trans or cis, but i have had crushes on both men and women. and whether i assign that attraction to "man" or "woman" is based on presentation, not genitalia. so because jamie presents as a man, i evaluate how attracted i am on what male qualities i find desirable. a trans woman would not meet those same criteria, even if she hadn't undergone any surgery, so if i was crushing on a trans woman i would still consider that a woman-to-woman attraction.
For the misgendering problem, I understand the difficulty for face to face. I had the same problem because my brain found it easier to bring up old memories of before I knew my friend was trans and then related her to my old perception of her. What I found helpful was looking at photos of her now and saying her name and she/her pronouns out loud. That way I got used to it and the new memories became stronger than the old ones.
Pansexual/Panromantic polyamorous trans man with 2 bi partners here! Pan and Bi coexist under the same umbrella and which term you use depends on what you personally are more comfortable with, but- In my experience the difference has just been Pan has no gender preference at all. Bi *could* have a gender preference but doesn’t have to. (like for example attracted to more than one gender but prefers fem presenting identities) As a pan, I really don’t like the rhetoric that for pans it’s about identity not gender. Because for many bi people it’s still also or even just about identity. Pans just lack a preference in general.
re. cishet using queer. in australia (and particularly victoria) queer is a commonly used umbrella term by lots of people. like government policies etc use queer as well as lgbtqi+. my university had a ‘queer lounge’. i know this differs in different countries but here it’s pretty commonly used.
3 months late but I have an opinion I’d like to share: TLDR: Queer (adjective): no issues with cishets using it. It actually makes me feel more accepting than LGBTQ+ (perhaps oddly) Queer (noun): a reclaimed slur, it’d be inappropriate for non-queer people to use I’ve actually become slightly uncomfortable with the LGBTQ+ title for our community. It’s hard to say, I’m always unsure how far I should go (I don’t want to exclude anyone), and lately, it sounds almost…corporate? Idk and I feel kinda crazy typing that out When I hear “queer” as an adjective, I feel empowered. It feels loud of proud and learning more about our history, it represents (at least to me) protest against assimilation, a rejection of respectability politics. This is how I feel, though. People who are hurt by the use of the word are valid!
"I don't think I reacted right when someone came out". People have *YEARS* to plan how to come out to someone. However, to the person receiving information, they literally have milliseconds to react and respond to the person coming out. You are going to probably trip. If you want to be more supportive. Follow up. "Hey, I know coming out is hard and I am concerned I sounded dismissive. I just want to say that I 100% support you and care about you. Thank you for telling me. I've been told coming out isn't an easy thing" That said, read the room. Sometimes people like the "Great. What's for dinner?" because it doesn't make a big deal out of it.
Jamie, you're such a great guy!!! I love how you are always so respectful but still have a little bit of cheekyness here and there in your reactions, you're the best. Shaba is a lucky woman! And you're a lucky man too, because she is just as wonderful a person as you are! I truly love both of your content! Much love, an enby from the Netherlands ;)
When I'm talking to/thinking of my middle daughter I have to remind myself that she is my daughter & to call her as such. When speaking about my daughter to others it's easier because I'm used to having to explain that my daughter introduced herself to me "x" # of years ago. When I picture my middle daughter I'm not allowed to think of her when she was an infant/toddler (by her rule) because she wasn't herself then. So I'm only allowed to think about her from when she came out & then on. Which is hard. Because there was so much time, so much that has happened in her life, but I'm forbidden from talking or even thinking about those things. My daughter has told me that I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything to do with LGBTQ+ anything, down to telling me that I'm not allowed to say that the Trans representation cake that she made looked nice.
Back in my straight girl days, I HATED all the straight people jokes. I felt so invalidated and it was horrible. There was so much pressure from my all-queer friendship group to be a certain way, like a certain group of people, to dress a certain way... I absolutely felt like it was taboo to talk about liking men. I wanted my friends to support me when I had a crush on someone, not "ew men." This may be a hot take here, but it absolutely was as hurtful to me as someone being homophobic and telling me it's not okay to like girls. It had the same effects - and while it did turn out that I do like girls and I'm bisexual, this behaviour and all the nastiness actually pushed me further into the closet and because I was so hurt by the LGBT+ community, it took me far longer to come to terms with my sexuality and I only realised and felt safe exploring it when I knew I was in a place that would accept me for who I was, no matter who I was. It also took me a long time to realise that it was okay to want to dress and express femininely. That friendship group was incredibly toxic and did cause me a lot of harm. I get the odd straight people joke, I make them myself sometimes - but please, please, *know when to stop.* The stuff they said to me was framed as a joke, but it just went too far and got to the point where it clearly wasn't a joke any more.
they way i see it. if you wouldn't want a joke turned around and directed at you, then don't make the joke. Imagine if you said ew to their attraction. maybe because Im bi I end up trying to defend both sides, but I hate the hypocrisy.
@@autumnagain I feel like if it gets to the point of continous and outright bullying then yeah it's wrong. But I just don't think it really makes sense to exactly compare them. Like there is such a thing as punching up or down. Making _occasional_ jokes about men, or straight people, or cis people, or people who generally have more systemic power, is not at all equivalent to people making bigoted jokes about marginalised people who are constantly hated and mistreated by society. Punching up often does not really hurt or affect the majority group in a mjaor way, or very rarely does. Punching down almost always affects the minority group and contributes to their societal marginalisation in very tangible ways (Street harrassment, assault, employment, sustainable housing, mental health, acceptance). Like making a cis joke will often at most hurt a single cis person's feeling, often when they are engaging in the toxic behaviour being criticised. Making a trans joke can contribute to the negative stereotypes about trans people that can get them literally killed. The difference is that a straight person can 100% experience verbal or emotional abuse from their queer friends if the 'jokes' aren't really jokes and turn into all out bashing. But that is a singular experience that is not that common, or just not as common as the frequency of homophobia or queerphobia queer people experience on a _regular_ basis from straight people and society. Most straight jokes aren't toxic or abusive, and at the end of the day, a straight person can leave a toxic queer friend group and will have a much easier time of finding other straight people to befriend because they are the majority. But a queer person often cannot escape societal queerphobia as easily or even at all, and it can be hard to find community because we are the minority. Punching up or making jokes about people who are in the majority or have more societal power or privilege is also a way marginalised people cope with the constant trauma of being oppressed. We make jokes about straight people being awful because they so often are, or _enough_ are for our lives to be miserable, and there is often not much we can do in the present moment to change how we are being treated, so we joke about it. Again it shouldn't go too far, but I don't think there's anything wrong with joking about it. I also don't think there's anything wrong with venting about it either, in a way that is healthy and respectful to someone's boundaries and emotional capacity of course - I think a lot of straight people are able to understand they are not the ones being addressed if a person is talking about how difficult it is to deal with straight coworkers or family members or The Straights. In the same way thar there are men who don't get offended when women and enbies make fun of toxic behaviours that are predominantly displayed by men. Like if the person making the joke isn't being outright toxic, and you don't display the behaviours being fairly criticised, then there is not much reason to be offended or hurt imo. They aren't talking about you. There are SO many ways it just isn't the same for a gay person to make a joke about a straight person than it is vice versa. Again, it should never be veering into actual verbal abuse, and if someone has friends who mask actual emotional or verbal abuse as 'straight jokes' or punching up, they have every right to be upset and leave. But interpersonal mistreatment isn't really the same as homophobia or transphobia, in that one is specific to certain situations and often avoidable or escapable and not linked to pervasive long term societal oppression that will affect literally every area of your life.
There's also a whole conversation to be had about _how_ people make straight jokes and how often people make them in a way that is biphobic and hurtful to specifically bi people. It's kind of like when people make Karen jokes but use them as a way to say misogynistic things about women. It isn't to say all the jokes are bad but we all have biases against marginalised people and that can affect how we joke about people who are more societally powerful than us but marginalised in some ways. I'm sorry your ex friends treated you that way. I think sometimes queer people who are visibly queer can overcompensate for the homophobia they experience or have internalised for not being straight presenting or straight passing by making those traits inherently bad. Like lesbians receive constant and overwhelming pressure to date and be sexually available to men, and are made to feel less than or abnormal for not liking men, so they push back by making liking men inherently bad or wrong in some way. Like, 'i'm not weird and inferior, you are!'. Or 'I can't like men no matter how much you want me too, because liking men is actually inherently awful and bad.' If people can't accept that we just don't like men and it isn't a choice nor wrong in any way, then it can feel like criticising the concept of dating men in it's entirety is the only avenue that doesn't make us feel abnormal or inferior to women who can date men. It doesn't ultimately deal with the problem and is often the toxic and emotionally immature response. It isn't especially reasonable or fair, especially to bi women. It often makes liking men seem diametrically opposed to liking women and it isn't fair to make bi people choose or feel guilty for any attraction. But it is tempting especially for younger insecure queer people, and with how much biphobia and transmisogyny lingers in certain facets of queer communities, it isn't surprising. Some queer people can also just be really toxic and cliquey. I often struggle to find the line with saying 'ew men' to actual men who try to force themselves on lesbians, or straight women who think liking women is disgusting and liking men is natural and makes them superior to lesbians when their male partners often treat them very poorly. And when society is basically constantly trying to force feed you something you know you don't like, it's only natural to develop a pretty intense aversion to that thing. But that certainly doesn't justify bashing bi women for having male love interests or partners, and lesbians need to be careful with how and how often we express these feelings. Not wanting to date men doesn't justify bashing people who do. And it certainly doesn't justify not supporting your friend in their crushes. Just thought I'd explain where some of these behaviours come from. Not an excuse at all, ots a very self centred way to think, but it is often born out of some form of unprocessed trauma that is unfortunately being taken out on bi people.
@@Lisa_Flowers Yeah, no, I found it really hard - especially as I still have a strong preference for men. I now identify as LGBT+ in three different ways (bisexual, demisexual, genderfae) but I'm still not "queer enough" for some people
3rd person reminds me of when I came out as trans. Quite a few people asked how my partner feels about it, and depending on the person asking they got a short "none of your business". Most people got that answer actually. A family member of mine that I confide in often did not ask this at all but I brought it up to him and how annoying it was in some of the cases. My family member said "well, I haven't really questioned if your relationship would be different... well for one, I assume he knew before anyone else, and second... I mean, we are all a little pan, aren't we?" (he asked rhetorically). I didn't say anything and just thought "wow, he just outed himself to me". 😂 People often judge others their own perspective, "takes one to know one". Or as we say in swedish "Från sig själv känner man andra" (from oneself we know others). 4th person... When I came out as trans I got mostly "ok cool, so just to be clear, what are your pronouns", some "ok, trans man och non-binary" (if I had only said trans initially), a few "congratulations" (mostly gen z tbh, I myself are gen y/millenial), and some "ok... how long have you known?" and a few more nosy upfront questions that made me feel uncomfortable. I was prepared to stand up for myself and was positively surprised by the support... and then realised that I had spent like five years before hand ridding my life of toxic or lgbt-phobic people overall. Edit, I almost forgot, I got a few "Oh good finally he is out!" 😂 This was all my middle and high school friends that I still talked to, they were not the least bit surprised and reacted with various degrees of this statement, pure joy from all of them. I did get some that did not respond at all and a few that thought I had been hacked (For aquaintanes I used fb messenger, since I have a youtube channel and an open instagram I told them only because I wanted it to come from me personally and these were people I rarely interacted with). 5th... For me dysphoria feels like wanting to step out of my own skin, like there should be a zipper somewhere that I haven't found yet (getting there slowly tho). A friend of mine, when I said this, said "Oh, like the Edgar suit from Men in Black?" Yes, yes, yes.
8:06 My perspective as a lesbian is that i am not attracted PHYSICALLY (or at all) to men. I can see that they look good, but i only am attracted to women
I looked up puberty blockers. They were approved for use in treating precocious puberty in children by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in 1993 (in use for precocious puberty since the 1980s. So I would almost certainly have not been able to get on them before my natural puberty, because I'm old. As someone who started T in their late 40s and has been on it for a little over 6 months, yes, my voice has dropped naturally. So I think even age is not particularly a factor in that. I don't think a cis-straight person should be able to use the term queer. Even if you're genderqueer, that makes you not cis, if your heteroflexible, you're not really straight. So in those instances you could be queer, but not cis-straight. Of note, though, when I found myself feeling very very offended/hurt by being called cisgender, I discovered that I was, in fact, not cisgender. I just hadn't had the words, and had never felt I could explore my gender. So perhaps this person is simply questioning the validity of what they had believed about themselves for their whole life?
So the answer to the first question… there is no single answer. I think the way he explains it in this video is perfect. For me, I can describe the feeling, because for me, being trans very strongly manifests with gender dysphoria. I was a “Green Beret” in the US Army. As a portion of our survival training, I was locked into a very tight enclosed space, with no light and barely enough room to fit. After a time that seemed to me like an eternity, I panicked and started begging for them to let me out. It was sheer, utter panic at feeling like I was trapped in a place that I was trapped didn’t belong, and I just had to get out. One day early in my transition, after my egg had cracked, I had a strong panic attack, feeling like I was trapped in what I will call a “meat prison”. That panic and feeling gave me instant flashbacks to my survival school. The only problem was that I couldn’t scream and beg for someone to let me out this time. I experienced a few more attacks periodically, but as I have progressed in my transition, and have become slowly more comfortable in my skin, those panic attacks have thankfully subsided. However, that is MY experience with being trans… others’ experiences may be completely different!
Yeah, the shoe analogy didn’t really work for me either. My experiences feel way too visceral to describe them as something that… ‘uncreative’ or mundane I guess.
I’m honestly a little shocked at how many people are heavily identifying with the shoe analogy, given how little it fits how I feel. Goes to show the difference in experiences I guess.
@@gem3763 yeah I’ve found that trans people’s experiences with it vary so widely that there really isn’t a correct answer to the question “what does it feel like to be trans”
I’m cool with cishets using the word queer if they’re not being bigoted, either as an umbrella term or for someone like me where it’s a bit fuzzy and I usually don’t wanna load people up with jargon so I default to “bi” or “queer”
Oh I think I can understand why it's in person that the misgendering happens! In a sense a mix of habit and like. Conceived notions of appearance is the only way I can think of saying it. Pretty much. It's easier to associate something "new" when removed at the time, only going off memory. The picture can warp more easily ergo allowing a better grasp on pronoun change. But once you're in person, especially with someone you knew before, then that rigid picture is there instead so you fall into old habits. You grew up with this person being perceived as a different gender, and while memory is easy to change, seeing them in person refreshes that old memory and habit. Making it so you more easily slip up. This can also apply without knowing someone before hand. For example: My cousin has a friend who is trans, goes by she/her pronouns. When not around her friend I can more easily use She/her cause no social standing is getting in the way. In person? She still looks and sounds very much masculine which isn't bad, I need that noted, but my dumb ADHD lizard brain running on autopilot and not thinking misgenders her often cause I'm not thinking before words come out my mouth and I've been conditioned by society to see her voice and features as "masculine". So autopilot goes with those perceptions. It's frustrating to me and makes me feel bad cause I myself am non-binary and while I don't mind being called by my assigned sex, I can also understand as it feels better being called "they/them". But yeah. Pretty much brains stupid, society has put labels on certain features and your brain LOVES easy categories so falls back on them when on autopilot. Think like RAM. At some point the "new" pronouns become habit and part of your RAM but until then that's an active file you have to purposefully access. If you aren't running manually then you often don't access it going with the wrong one stored in you RAM Pretty much the best thing to do is probably try to be more "manual" when in person with this person. Aka run all your thoughts through a filter and truly think them out first.
@@XXIIXIIIXXXIXXXIXthe only “child endangerment” going on here is parents forcing their children to be someone they aren’t and actively working to cause them misery by refusing to treat them as human beings (which is what you are doing)
I accidentally misgender nonbinary people and repeatedly use the prior assumed gender (which I know is itself an archaic habit). I keep interrupting myself: he-- THEY / she-- THEY. And I am doing my best, but my instinct gets in my way. This would be easier in Persian, because we don't have exclusive pronouns. He is او (eú) she is او him is او her is او his dog is سگش sag-ash, her dog is سگش . I really wish ze/zer caught on, because my language training (which was very rigorous, growing up) pushed so hard that They/Them can only be plural.
a gay ss teacher in my school explained how attraction to only one gender worked for him. he described it as just gravitating and clicking with males in a way he doesn’t seem to get with females or people somewhere else on the gender spectrum hope this helps!
@@pathevermore3683is someone mad about a normal person having an opinion 😢😢 btw you just used a term that they don’t like (cis), so what if I “misgender” and show you what we mean
@@larryharrison4396 yup. they got mad that normal people do not cry about trans people 24/7 like hilarious snowflakes. don't get triggered and cry about a word, you don't want the world to think you are angry, now would you?
@@pathevermore3683 Peope crying about a word are trans people when you call them the wrong pronouns 🥱 you don’t need to be the 13 year old white knight of trans people lil bro
It’s essentially dealers choice. There’s not really some specific version of son/daughter for non-binary people, but there are a lot of non gender specific terms for your child. My personal favorite is spawn, but it’s really up to you. As for “child” seeming wrong for an adult, I would honestly say it sounds fine, but that’s just me
When referring to one's own children, even adult children, the appropriate term would be child or children. As in "This is my child./ These are my children."
I am Non-Binary and my best friend recently said I wasn't Trans. It really hurt, because I identify as trans (I certainly am not Cis), but the tone of her voice was really offensive to me. She shut up because she obviously didn't want to argue but it still upset me :(
regarding the person who keeps misgendering in the person's presence. Keep in mind i am NOT a doctor, working scientist, etc etc. i'm just a nerd who studies random things to a sometimes irrational degree. This boils down to 1 fact. the Brain is Lazy AF. 99/100 your brain operates using the path of least resistance unless you intentionally work to change things. making new memories or associations is not just an ephemeral experience, it actually involves the physical action of connecting new neurons and neural pathways. so if you had referred to your cousin using she/her for say 20 years before they came out as trans, your brain has had that 20 years of associating his face to their deadname, wrong gender, etc. while they are not directly in front of you, your brain doesn't have that immediate associative reaction, and lets your descision making processes make the correct choice in what gender and name you actually say. however when he is actually there, and you're talking about him, your brain will automatically insert the "easiest option", or the one that takes the least amount of time and energy to come up with, even if you know its the wrong one. its biologically very usefull, as it allows us to communicate very rapidly and while it might be more error prone, due to not being able to "update" as quickly as more deliberate and cognizant speech. But you have the right idea. practice. the more often you can force your brain into associating him as the correct gender and name, the stronger that connection will become in your mind, and the weaker the wrong information will get. especially since you seem happy and supportive of their transition, your brain will be able to reinforce the new information faster as you will feel better and happier when using the correct gender and name, and feel bad when you mess up. the brain doesn't want bad feelings, it wants good feelings. so when it does something that makes good feelings, it can restructure itself much more quickly to make good feelings happen more often. ironcially thats also how addiction works. BECOME ADDICTED TO CORRECTLY GENDERING PEOPLE
Would just like to pop in and correct the misconception about T making your voice drop. It very likely will, but it also may not. I'm speaking from the perspective of a trans man whose been on T for 5 years and has grown full body and facial hair, as well as everything else. My voice never dropped, and over the phone I am always referred to as "ma'am" and "miss". It doesn't happen for everyone. I also have a colleague whose ftm trans with the same predicament. T can drop your voice, but it also may not. You may have to voice train yourself.
I felt so weird and uncomfortable about my own body when I got a freaking SPRAY TAN. I can’t even imagine being born a different gender than the one you identify with
When I came out to my mom, it was bc I was sick and tired of her talking sbout marriage even tho to her knowledge at the time I was single. And when I told my bestie she was mad bc they wanted to be there when I came out to my mom. Lol. Thry wanted to be there to support me when i did come out. And before you ask questions, she accepts me but not my choices. But she supports me. Even tho it's not a choice.
[EXPLANATION] I think the PAN question was more just: if the "only" thing determining someones gender is how they feel on the inside (like someone afab could be a man even without changing anything about their body or style or anything. They could "look like a woman" whatever that means in their society but still be a man, because the only thing that matters is how they identify) then how can someone be attracted to one gender only. Cause this would kinda mean you have to ask how someone identifies before being able to decide whether or not you're attracted to them. So you can't just look at a person on the bus and think they're attractive. Because let's say you're a straight man, you think a very feminin looking person on the bus is attractive, but what you don't know is he's a man (trans without any affirming physical changes or just otherwise feminin looking, you assume they are an attractive woman). So you are (without even knowing) attracted to a man, therefore you can't really be straight, right? So really the only way someone could be anything but pansexual is if they are only attracted to people after asking what their gender is (and also if they're attracted to someone and that person comes out as trans, they immediately stop being attracted to them because they're now a gender they're not attracted to) ....I overcomplicated this explanation, didn't I😂
It's not common that I want a content creator to see my comment so bady, but I feel like I have the explanation to the exact thing he's misunderstanding and/or confused about in this question😅 or just a very similar question I myself have had about the topic for a while. So if anyone has any answers to it please lemme know😅
7:51 for me, it's personally a lot easier to end up misgendering someone when they are early in their transition or aren't out to everyone around them and thus have to dress like their assigned gender at birth. Like for example, my sister has an online transfemme friend and I sometimes catch myself misgendering her in my head when I'm on voice calls with her cuz her voice is still deep and I think my brain just wrongly autocorrects to he/him bc of that even tho ik she uses she/her. I never have this problem outside of vcs with her tho, so maybe this is sort of a similar thing? I just think spending more time with the person and reforming the habits takes time, and you have to retrain your brain.
i understand the pansexual qustion a lot actually my understanding of gender is that while each gender sorta has tropes, in reality iut's nothing more than something one calls themselves so the idea that attraction can be (and is primarily) labeled by well uhhh a different type of label over what character traits one is attracted to is a little strange
I think cishet people using the word queer depends on who they're using it for because a lot of lgbtq+ people use queer as part of their identity, so if their friends use queer to refer to themself I think it would be fine, especially if it's the preferred label of the friends
I had a hard time with accidentally misgendering my daughter's best friend, afab, who socially transitioned at 13yo. I've known him since they were in kindergarten. He knew I was completely supportive and really trying, and eventually I stopped misgendering him. Never had an issue with accidentally dead naming him.
9:35 I think what the person meant was, and this is my assumption, is it gay to like a trans-woman pre-bottom surgery since she has a penis/vice versa. And I guess I understand the confusion it's the reason most folks say they wouldn't date trans people since they're uncomfortable with the trans individuals genitalia when they have sex. But to answer the question no it's not gay to date a pre-op trans-woman. (If you're a straight man) Anyways brief statement I have. Most people WOULD date a trans person 100%, but the issue most people have is they're allosexuals and don't want to have sex with that trans person, due to genitals, so they say no to dating even though the only issue is sex. That's my only issue with trans guys, I would absolutely date a trans guy if he asked me out but the idea if sex with him kinda puts me off I can't explain it really.
As an asexual trans person I find it hilarious that I understand the question about everyone being pan, because I, too, wonder how someone could be sexually attracted to only one gender, regardless of genitals, possibly because I can't even fathom sexual attraction, to me the only thing that makes sense is "is how I want sex to feel", so wouldn't the man in that situation be pansexual and homoromantic? Like, yeah, they're definitely both men, but I thought genitals mattered to some allosexuals?
i live in norway and kontaktede riksen (where you transition through the goverment or really at all in norway) to get on pubertyblokers and they said i wasnt allowed because i am ftm instead of mtf
The question about whether someone is pan is poorly communicated and based on a misunderstanding / confusion of certain descriptors, but from what I can tell I *think* I understand the gist of the question and what this person is saying... although it is difficult. There is some undertones of transphobia going on here, even if unintentional, by insinuating that a transman who hasn't had bottom surgery doesn't "qualify" as a man where sexuality is concerned by implying that a man attracted to this individual would be 'straight' because of the lack of GCS. I'm also getting similar vibes to a later post in the video, the one about in hypotheticals "does any kind of identity matter if it can be changed on a whim" stuff, because the person seems to be saying that if the attraction towards an individual is based only on character and not gender or sex, they fit the definition of "pan"... which is technically true, but is also overlooking a lot of other possibilities. It doesn't look at what this hypothetical person _isn't_ attracted to, if anything, which would impact whether or not they were pan. There's also the matter of the difference between being pansexual and panromantic... as someone could be one, both or neither. I imagine its harder to imagine panromantic as this person is describing because gender is an amorphous and self-defined concept, independent of sex, as is character, and they can both evolve and change over time and experience, which makes it difficult to put a rigid criteria on what someone finds attractive and what they don't. I don't think its farfetched to say anyone / everyone is a least a little bit pan (besides aro-aces), or at least has the potential to be so. Because gender expression, gender identity, biological sex, sexual orientation and romantic orientation are all independent of each other, anyone can be any combination of labels, and limiting one's attraction to a single set does seem difficult, but attraction doesn't immediately lead to pursuit or interest, either. And some people will always see gender and sex as the same thing and only experience attraction towards individuals that fit their definition of what a man or a woman is, so in that scenario, I can definitely see how someone can only be attracted to one gender. I know I probably didn't illuminate or explain the poster's intentions super well but that is the general feeling I got from it.
I’m 40 and I recently started working with a 20-something non-binary person whose pronouns are they/them. I practiced alone, picturing their face and holding mock conversations. I was READY! First chance presented itself and…… “him” came out of my mouth. Why, brain? Why? But literally nothing happened. I continued the conversation and got it right after that. We’re very conditioned and we do have to learn, but I have yet to meet anyone who does more than a quick correction with a grin. Still salty about it after all that practice, but it’s not about me.
For me being trans feels like someone shoving something down my throat, not being able to breath and then pushing that away and using my voice and mind like I was sopposed to. Not restricted by panic, discomfort and being stuck in one position. (Im nonbinary, they/them)
For the pansexual one, I think the question being asked there is "if gender is a matter of personal identity rather than a concrete group of physical characteristics, when you're attracted to a specific gender, what are you attracted to?" which is a pretty interesting question and not one I really know how to answer even as someone attracted exclusively to men. The followup question or one along the same lines would probably be "if you were attracted to someone before knowing their gender, could finding out what their gender is change that and why?" Trans people do definitely play a part in the reasoning behind the question but I do think there's more to it than that, and it is interesting to think about especially given the line between AFAB and AMAB biology itself is a lot less clear than most people believe it to be.
when it comes to accidental misgendering, to what ive found, if you appear very feminine as a trans man or vet masculine as a trans woman, it can be hard for people to gender you correctly, especially at first, even more so if they knew you by your deadname and previous pronouns. its why i use any pronouns and a gender neutral version of my name in conversation, its to make it bearable for others while i transition. this is usually only the case early on in transitioning, but, as long as you talk about it with the person misgendering you continually and accidentally, or if youre accidentally misgendering someone, and there is a desire to change to reflect support, i think its totally fine to take time and slowly switch that around in your heads, though, as i said a conversation needs to be had
So some people have been talking about the visual stimuli that unfortunately makes misgendering more common even from supportive people. But from my experience it also has to do with auditory stimuli. I have a long distance friend who is a trans man and I will use he/him pronouns when I refer to him but when I get into a vc with him and hear his voice my brain instinctively goes she/her since his voice still leans feminine
I think the best non-body-centered description I can think of is like... Imagine that you, as a man, regardless of how you act or look or feel about yourself, everyone around you treats you like a woman. Nobody asks, people doint you when you say you aren't, nobody agrees when you say otherwise, and regardless of what you do or say, people still treat you like/interact with you as a woman (and vice versa).
I don't know about other people, but for me misgendering and deadnaming someone, no matter the context or necessity or whether they're there or not just feel very fundamentally... wrong. I have a very strong belief system, general respect for others, and sense of justice and truth, which I suppose is the source of my discomfort, but calling someone by their deadname or the wrong pronouns feels like one of the most abhorrent types of lying there is.
About the misgendering: I used to feel the same way with a friend whom I knew years before the transition. The image of him and the pronouns that were used before always came to my mind when we were together. The feeling is horrible because this is so stupid, like it doesn't happen with cis people! I guess I made him feel really uncomfortable for some time, but I felt bad as well. So, I always corrected myself immediately until I stopped with such stupidity.
I'm gender queer, and I didn't start experiencing dysphoria until I started getting curvier. I feel like a fraud, because there are all of these stories online about people knowing that they are trans since they were 5 years old. I haven't medically transitioned, but I have mostly socially transitioned.
I think that a good, but way too long alternative to the "born in the wrong body" phrasing would be: imagine you, cis man or woman, are as you are now, except since your birth everyone around you kept calling you by incorrect name and pronouns, and dressed you like the kids of another gender to yours. All while you see all the other kids of your gender acting, dressing, looking, and being named in ways you'd be more comfortable with. Eventually you just internalize the fact that you are a gender you aren't, until one day you find out you were always a man/woman/enby! Trans people, upon realizing this, choose to change different things about their body or presentation to look the way they want to look, instead of conforming blindly to societal standards. Some might want to change a lot, some might want to change some things here and there, and some might even stay the same! Realizing you're trans just allows you to make those decisions easier.
There was after all, the tragic case of the boy who suffered a severe genital injury, and Dr. John Money persuaded his parents that his male genitalia could not be adequately restored, but a conversion could be achieved: he could be given surgery and then groomed into being a girl by an intensive program of reparative therapy. The unfortunate child grew up feeling as though he was not the girl everyone kept telling him he was. Even though he was subjected to a relentless series of conversion therapy sessions from early childhood, he still knew, deep inside, that he wasn't the girl he was told he was. When he learned the truth, he was horrified, but also relieved to finally understand what had been wrong for so long. Speaking as a cis person, I suspect the nightmarish story of David Reimer is one of the best analogies to explain the experience of trans people - as well as a perfect response to the large minority of people who keep on trying to argue in favor of "conversion therapy", "reparative counseling" or (when they're feeling especially honest) "therapeutic rape".
something was always off, and then a couple years after i learned about trans people (about a month after i had my femboy "phase" [only a phase because i ended up transfem]) that i was a girl. It always kinda felt forced and boy names never felt like they worked for me, and i had never thought of the girl names.
My guess for the question about misgendering when around someone: When you’re talking ABOUT someone (they’re not present) you have to think about them and it’s very easy to remember. But when you’re talking with someone you aren’t thinking about the person, you’re thinking about the things they’re saying. Then it’s easier for instincts built up over a long time to come out. Def goes away with practices and changing those instincts
This. Also, if they haven't transitioned (completely) yet, it could be that for example the voice just makes op's brain slip up. Registers as female voice and brain goes: female pronouns! Even though you know better.
and those instincts are hard to overcome but i remember reading that it takes 21 days to build a habit. when my friend came out as nonbinary, it took me that long to stop using their old pronouns instinctively whenever i was on call with them. as long as you're trying, that issue tends to work itself out with time and practice.
This is how I would explain it too. I have the same experience with a friend of mine who's currently in the very early stages of transitioning but started using she/her pronouns and it's the same as with this person - it's so easy to use the correct pronouns when talking about her but I keep slipping when I'm with her and it makes me feel so bad every time. Like I'm somehow disgenuine in my support even though I don't really believe that
That feels like a good take. I'm very defensive of my sibling, who's in the early stages of coming out as gender-fluid. But after I spend time with them, I find my brain resetting to their old pronouns. Feel like thumping my brain to reset!
I knew a trans guy once, where after some innitial confusion I got it down pat, but then he played a woman character in pf and it set me back ages lol.
Yea, it IS bullshit that some people out there are still ignorant and needlessly cruel to innocent people trying to live in a way that makes them comfortable and doesn't harm anybody else at all!! You're so right. Some people are so close-minded. Thank you for your support! (Sarcasm. I'm about 99% sure you were calling LGBT topics bullshit. If that's the case: move past middle school biology and read actual studies by scientists who spent years studying the intricacies of that topic, and concluded that queer people are very real and NORMAL) (Additionally, because Some people really really love to use the argument that "oh they're mutilating their bodies", first: Not all Trans people get surgeries in the first place. Some use hormone replacement. And others still decide not to physically transition at all. And the people who do get surgery are adults with autonomy who have spent thousands of dollars to get this procedure done for THEMSELVES. They are not forcefully strapping You down to a table and forcing You to get a surgery. It's no different than an adult choosing for example to get a fat removal surgery, a cis woman getting a chest job, a cis man getting an enlargement surgery, etc. Less than 1% of people who get these sort of surgeries actually go on to regret it. Because, like I said, getting a surgery isn't the answer for all trans people. Do you think that life saving treatments such as chemo should be stopped Just because they don't work for every single patient who gets them? If somebody is getting a life-saving heart surgery but there's a 1% chance that the procedure *could* go wrong, should we then just let that person die and not go ahead with the surgery? Of course not.) @TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jz
For the cousin who is misgendering... it's likely a response to visual stimuli. Your brain is subconsciously aligning the face with the birth name and old pronouns. Practice using the correct ones with the cousin or even having pretend conversations with them while looking at a picture or video or something of them. It'll train your brain to start aligning the correct name and pronouns with the face.
this is really solid advice!! i'm trans myself, and i never thought of talking to a picture to train your brain into learning the new pronouns and name. that's really clever
This is exactly what I would've recommended as well
I'm the mom of a trans kid and I have memory issues. Plus I studied neuroscience and psychology. I'm weirdly prepared to answer that question.
This is way better advice than the people saying "just use the right name" 😂. Lol, I also just assumed the cousin might be female presenting or still look quite feminine, because I'm in the same situation. It's not nearly as bad as the rest of the family, but my sister who is nonbinary is female presenting and hardly ever corrects anyone when they are called she.
This may not be similar, but I think this is funny. When I used to be very young kid there was a guy at a school that had a long ponytail and I used to refer to them as a girl/think of them like that. it took a while for my ADHD brain to realize that they were a guy, even with teachers, and likely him, telling me he was a dude. Skip forward to today and I’m a femboy rocking a ponytail myself.
I did not socially transition until I was 48. I didn't want to do it because I knew I would not go back to boy mode. I was punished at a young age if I showed any female traits or actions. The only reason I started when I did was I almost died from two heart attacks and was afraid of not being myself. I still haven't told most of my family due to religious and political leanings on their part. My son knows and completely supports me and is even referring to me as she/her.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Good on the kiddo for being supportive of his mom, though. Best wishes, girl!
I'm glad you have some safe places to be yourself, and hope that the rest of your family comes around. Clearly you raised a great kiddo, supporting his mom 😊
Cool, hope u can express yourself fully now
I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm very glad you can express yourself now. My stepmom delt with the same thing but she was able to come out to us last year and me and my family have been making sure she feels welcome. So I'm very glad that your son is supportive, you clearly raised him very well. I hope you live a long and happy life as a wonderful woman and mom!
I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. I’m glad that you got the chance to transition at all, and I hope you’re happy now! ❤❤
I have a friend who's been on HRT since she was 12 because of chemo-related long term side effects. Nobody batted an eye or asked if she would not regret it. She's doing great now, btw, 5 years cancer free!
Glad your friend is doing well :)
HRT?
@@helene4397 HRT is short for Hormone replacement therapy.
My sibling actually misgenders me more when we're next to each other than when we're not. They're also non-binary, they're just used to A misgender me next to our parents because they're kinda transphobic and B the visual que does actually confuse them.
On the stopping misgendering thing: I remember when I was younger I had a teacher who got divorced halfway through the school year and changed back to her maiden name (I know it's not the same thing but this comparison will make sense in a second). I didn't really struggle with the new name but my mom did. My mom always called her the right name when talking to me and then said the wrong name when talking to my teacher. She said it was because when she was in front of my teacher all she could think was "don't say *old name* don't say *old name* don't say *old name*" and because it was all that was on her mind that's what she ended up saying. I think it's likely a similar concept with that person's cousin. In person they're probably putting extra pressure on themselves so all they're thinking is "don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname*" and that's making them say it. I would encourage them to try to swap their thinking to "do say *name*" instead, so the deadname isn't on their mind and the person's actual name is. That and maybe chill out a bit cause the extra pressure is likely what's causing them to mess up if this is something they actually care about
Hello all cool people watching this video 👋
hello to you too, love your pfp :D
OMG pfp bestie
Hello other cool person!
Hi-li! 👋🏽
hi :3
I identify as Demi sexual - I need to feel a connection to a person and who they are before I can feel sexual attraction, I do also describe myself as pan/bi romantic in that I can feel romantic attraction to any gender/person and that sexual attraction follows. I can see where this question comes from as I know that people do want to have sexual experiences with people they don’t know (I’ve never wanted that) but will also be sexually and romantically attracted after getting to know someone. But that’s just how I understand myself, as you say everyone is different.
I only recently heard that nonbinary is considered under the trans umbrella, and based on the definition that absolutely makes sense. Personally, I (enby) don’t refer to myself as trans because I feel like that would be stepping on the trans experience. I have many trans friends and a couple of trans exes, and since I often present as my assigned birth gender and am almost 100% of the time treated as if I am, I feel like my lived experience differs greatly from what they’ve explained to me living as a trans person is like. I have my own experiences of bigotry and social denial of my gender, but it’s nothing compared with what they live with. I am looking into gender affirming surgery, so maybe once I stop presenting as aligned with my birth gender that will change, but for now I wouldn’t be comfortable referring to myself as trans because I feel like that’s appropriating an experience I don’t share. It was very interesting to learn I technically belong under that umbrella though, and I enjoy talking about it because it often becomes a very nuanced conversation and opportunity to share experiences with other cool people.
I'm nonbinary as well and I don't consider myself trans because I feel like the term is too associated with the binary for me to be comfortable with other people referring to me (specifically) that way. Like if I told someone "I'm trans" they might think I'm a man which I'm not.
I like hearing other people's perspectives as well, very interesting :)
I'm enby and I think if an enby person is trans that's ok and that's them. It can be really harmful to shove unwilling NBs under an umbrella that some don't want. As an enby person, whether or not an enby is trans is up to them and them alone
That makes sense! I’m non-binary and only kind of identify as trans (mostly if I comes up I’ll just say I’m queer or use any pronouns or whatever). Both labels are so versatile, and for me it helps having several in my arsenal for when my preferences change (I might be she/they one day and he/they the next, or they/them and later they/it… you get the idea)
Both of my friends are non-cis as well (trans and agender) so I try to be careful and keep in mind that my experiences are different than theirs!
There's this concept that I did some googling on after I saw someone else comment about it a few months ago, called gender modality. It basically encompasses the different ways that a person relates their AGAB and actual gender. There are obviously the big two, transgender and cisgender, and then there are a bunch more. A bunch of them are related to intersex people, but some of them, for example, absgender, describe people who don't identify with being trans or cis. I personally relate to this, and it seems like y'all are describing something similar as well.
I feel like I've always been my gender identity, it just took me a while to realize what that gender identity was.
This was also more recent news to me. I (nonbinary) don't really consider myself trans. Some parts of my experience overlap with that of trans people, and I'm not opposed to being trans, but it just doesn't feel like a term that fits me.
Idk. I haven't really had the trans experience of 'transitioning'. I've always been nonbinary, it was just a matter of learning a word to describe it. Nothing about me has really changed or transitioned upon realizing that the gendered term I was given didn't fit. I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I did have gender affirming surgery. 🤔 (I'd be curious to find out lol.)
The Pan Question: there's a thing called the "Split Attraction Model." Basically there arr multiple types of Attraction that might align or might differ from each other. The "main" types of Attraction often discussed are: Aesthetic, Sensual, Platonic, Romantic, and Sexual attraction. These different attractions can interact and synergize in very... queer ways. Attraction to the "character" or personality sounds similar to "intellectual attraction" which is is basically someone you would want to have a conversation with, could also fit other types of attraction as well.
Part 2 of answering that question. In th A-spec communities, there's an understanding of Sex/Romance-Favourable to Sex/Romance-Repulse spectrum. Speaking from experience, Sex-Repulsion can make one lose any desire/interest/attraction to another person or the scale of repulsion overpowers whatever attraction there might have been. Maybe someone could feel a type of Bi or Pan attraction but they have a repulsion that's just too great. Or maybe they just feel a mono-attraction.
Is sensual more like cuddling and making out? Like foreplay stuff?
you gave me a fright is so adorably British, i would have been like "s*** you scared the f*** outta me"
I find it so weird that people refuse medical or just even social care for trans people. As someone who sadly will have to transition later in life even with all support, it just seems so cruel to me to actively deny care in any way.
Attraction definitely is more than genitals. I'm a lesbian, yet can sometimes find guys attractive with absolutely zero desire towards them. Also there are certain characteristics (features or personality traits) I find appealing in one gender that when held by the opposite gender are not so appealing at all. Plus the enby crowd throws me for a whole other loop of confused attraction. Sure I desire my partner is penis-less but I also desire them to be a non smoker, non drinker, along with a whole slew of other preferences/attractions. So sexual orientations are relatively minor in comparison to everything else we base our attractions on.
wow, it's the first time I see someone who also prefers their partner to not smoke or drink. I personally will never do either of these and it would be better if my partner also had similar priorities in life:]
Yeah, I don't mind if they have an occasional drink when celebrating (I do like my mimosas at christmas) but overall I find drinking (and especially being drunk) to be off-putting. Smoking is a big no go for me.@@liza-uw3sq
@@liza-uw3sq I think lots of people prefer partners that don't smoke or drink, especially the religious crowd
The shoe metaphore is AMAZING!!!!
After Jamie getting jumpscared I have to see him play a horror game😂
As a neurospicy person, when I’m really involved in a conversation and am excited and having fun I tend to be less careful with my words (mispronouncing words, using similar sounding but entirely incorrect words). I can see how misgendering someone only when you’re with them could come from something similar.
neurospicy? I love that term oml
@@animeartist888 agreed
The "isn't everyone bi/pan" question gives me the ick because it reminds me of how straight men can't understand that lesbians exist, especially the lesbians who have never dated or slept with a man before to "fully know". Idk... It just makes me feel weird as if gay, lesbian, or AroAce people (and the spectrum) don't exist... Btw, i used to think that i was pan, so I'm not trying to hate people who have asked that question before because i understand that it's a first step for some people into understanding who they are but it just gives me the ick.
I find it hard to believe that there are straight men in the world that don't believe lesbians exist. Where are you finding these men? Seeing two women together is a straight man's holy grail if they want to get themselves off.
Hi Jamie, I love your jumper. It is super cute. I wish I had a warm looking jumper like that right now.
I’ve come out twice, my friends graciously helped me come out to the rest of my friends.
First time i told a couple of friends i was very close to, and they overreacted (positively) and it was very overwhelming since id never told anyone. I love them, but it was a lot and i had a surge of anxiety and proceeded to never bring it up again until 8 months later because it was too much and if each reaction was gonna be like that, or every time i asked for my correct pronouns, I couldn’t do that.
The second time my one friend turned to the other and said something along the lines of “called it” then they both turned to me and said “we noticed” 😂
Best experience i had coming out, ofc not for everyone but I wasn’t exactly hiding my bios pronouns. (Don’t do this tho if your friend comes out even if you thought they were trans, worked out in my situation but not for everyone)
off topic but jamie has such david tennant eyes😍😍
Jamie has a very David Tennant face overall imo, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who had this thought!
The face to face deadnaming/misgendering, I've experienced and figured it out. Everyone tells me when I'm not there my mom never misgenders me. But with me around, she does. Here's what I think is happening.
Away from me: She is talking to someone else about _me_ specifically. So I'm on her mind. I'm the topic of conversation. She has me, her trans son, actively in her head.
Face-to-face: She's mentioning me casually. Like to my sister, us all getting out of the car, "Oh, she can grab my bags." (Instead of he.) She's not talking _about_ me, more just referencing me without thought, and the old pronouns slip in.
I hope that made sense and understanding what was happening helped me to not get so upset. I don't like it, but it's at least understandable now.
6:05 I believe it’s just that they still have a connection between their name and face. I had this problem with all my trans friends where i just linked their face to a specific name.
My old housemate at uni was a philosophy student. As far as he knew he was straight but legitimately talked about how it seemed illogical for people to not be at least somewhat bi/pan. This was in the context of me explaining I'm ace and he seemed to understand that easier than his own sexuality, because it had a clear rule in his mind (at the time I didn't get into microlabels and other forms of attraction which make it a bit more complex).
1:58 That is the most energy I’ve seen in a Jammi video in a long time.
My tip for misgendering: if you are with that person really remember it the whole time you are with them. And if you want to refer to them pause before you are going to say something and mentally put in the right word. Hope that makes sense haha
I love answering questions!! I feel like people do seem scared to ask and possibly ‘insult’ me, which is sad even when people pass off asking questions as they ‘don’t have any’.
I don’t push people though, I would never force someone if they aren’t comfortable 🤷🏽♀️
About insulting cis/straight people: I had contact with someone, who saw women and therefore straight men as disgusting. He could not grasp the concept of someone being interesting in a female person. He was the most... heterophobic person i have ever seen. It was really weird.
The worry of reacting wrong to a their friend coming out reminds me of how I reacted to my friend coming out to me. My reaction to her telling me she was into women was just “Oh, ok”.
On the last question, I think there's also a lot of LGBT+ folks who have trauma around religion and the experience of growing up in a religious environment where they weren't accepted or supported
Probably because religious extremists are inherently anti-LGBTQ
With the stopping misgendering/deadnaming: when my daughter came to me & told me that she is my daughter I would slip because I was just so used to deadname. When referring to her in thought/conversation with others it was easier to remember her request because she told me that reinforcing it with others in our family was more important than keeping up with what her name of the day might be. She got to the point that she told me to check what her name on Discord was that day to see how to refer to her because 1) she changed her name several times that first week so keeping up with that was on a day to day thing still. 2) reminding people that she was herself was the important thing.
I will say that Facebook doesn’t help when they pop up memories of your loved one that is now a deadname & cannot be brought up with anyone. Those are the times that I slip the most. My daughter refuses to allow those to be shared or brought up to her. It’s like being back in the previous generations & not being able to talk about a miscarriage, but it’s what she wants.
I’m working instead on focusing on making new memories with my daughter. There are so many less “first time” moments as she gets older. So I’m trying to not miss any.
I've read a sci fi book where plastic surgery is so easy that changing your sex every couple of years is the norm. And I think that's where the "will there even be sexual orientation" guy is coming from . A thing that I like about the book is the writer saying how people still have preferences, there's just more options. some people are always gay no matter their body, others are always attracted to women, etc
what would the point of puberty blockers be if you can't take them until you're already like 90% past puberty lol
i don't know a whole lot about this but I think theyre often desirable for trans people to look less like their AGAB, such as T blockers reducing facial hair and balding patterns, E blockers reducing or eliminating periods, removing the opposite hormone when taking HRT to prevent imbalance, if you wanna learn more about it maybe ask on a trans subreddit or tumblr, i think hormones also affect mood and behaviour so that could be a desirable effect, idk much tho im not a doctor
It is true the best time to start Puberty blockers is right before it would start, and it sucks if you can't get them until you're 13, 14, 15, or even 16 years old as changes will occur, but it is worth still taking them even later into puberty as they can prevent further changes from happening. An amab person might already have a voice drop or lower growth by 15, but starting blockers then might prevent them from ever starting to get facial hair or an adam's apple. An afab person might already have their period at 14 and some breast growth, but starting blockers then will hopefully prevent them from growing any bigger and their hips getting wider.
@@ellieprobablythose are general hormone blockers. Specifically, puberty blockers, do not work properly AFTER puberty.
"how do you feel about non-queer people using the word 'queer'" feels like such a more-societally-accepted-queer-person kind of question.
there are some queer people for whom 'queer' is the ONLY word that exists for us yet. some queer folk for whom our correct and only identity-term IS 'queer', because society just doesn't recognise or understand our form of queerness to the point that there's no other word FOR it yet. some forms of queerness are so extremely marginalised that so few of us even understand this aspect of ourselves yet, and no-one has been able to coin a term for it yet. or if they have it's in some hidden corner that hasn't been able to gain the traction and reach far enough for the rest of us who'd share the identity to be aware of the word yet.
not to mention the many, many kinds of queerfolk for whom 'queer' is the only SAFE word to use for ourselves, and have others call us, because the accurate specific term for our queer identities is either so vanishingly rare and unheard-of, or so widely misunderstood, that using our specific identity term results in being forced to either endure bigoted attacks on our identity's existence, or slog through an exhausting conversation about what our identity even means, every time we refer to ourselves as queer.
do you know how exhausting, how othering and invalidating and soul-destroying it is, to have to explain and justify your own existence every single time you even mention your identity to someone? would you want a cishet nonqueer person to be in a position of explaining your extremely misunderstood and unknown queer identity to other people when you're not around? we wouldn't.
and all the kinds of queerfolk who experience so many different kinds of queerness at once, that the only word that can comfortably recognise our identity is 'queer' because it's an umbrella term that includes and validates all of our queer identities equally. and the only other way to refer to us would be an entire laundry list of queer identity terms, and that's just tiring and cumbersome and most people aren't willing to do it, and wouldn't even want others to refer to them that way.
some queer people do not have the LUXURY of being "uncomfortable" with nonqueer people using the word 'queer' for us, because it is the only word, or the only safe word, that can be used for us at all.
As a non-binary person, I refer to myself as trans-masc or trans non-binary. I am not speaking for all nb people when I say this and like he said in the video, it depends on the individuals :D
The fact that I completely understand what the question about pan romanticism is saying makes me rethink my own attraction.
About the cousin keeps misgendering them when they're in person only. It makes sense. I was taught from a young age to identify older generations and call them by the perspective titles like ma'am, miss, sir, etc. So our mindset goes too physical descriptions. I had this problem too and I've gotten better at not misgendering people but if OP is saying the wrong pronouns just apologize to the cousin & work with them on changing your mindset. It takes time.
I love your shoe analogy. Thank you so much for the longer videos.
I had a hard time talking about my friend and stories about them in the past with other people and constantly corrected myself because I was so used to telling the stories using their old pronouns. It took a while since we’d just reconnected so I hadn’t talked about them in a long time, but the more we started hanging out the struggle faded very quickly.
24:45 i identify as queer for both my gender and sexuality, so i think about this a lot. my personal take is that cishet people can say "queer" as a specified identity label or community term when applicable like "so and so identifies as queer or genderqueer" or "this will impact the entire queer community" but not as a noun or unspecified identity label/adjective like "look at those queers" or "that was really queer of you" or "are you queer?" im on the fence about this one in the video though because it seems out of line in a way, especially since we don't know the preferences of the friends involved. i feel like shes trying to say "queer community" as a catch all term for multiple different identities, which i think is fine, but its coming out a little more like "i know queers" which is a hard no. definitely don't think any ill-intent went behind this post or anything though. and thats all only one queer's perspective! lol. generally as advice for cishet people i would avoid the term altogether apart from respecting individual identity labels and default to saying LGBTQ+ because "queer" can still very much be used as a slur and some people have different preferences for that stuff. like i said, i do think about this a lot because of just how reclaimed it is at this point and the way i identify myself, its a toughie.
*edit for time stamp
I've been learning about sexual configuration theory and it makes so much more sense to my experience than just defining things within orientation.
We have an older family member who consistently misgendered and deadnamed a trans family member in conversation (the person themselves wasn't present) and each time we'd point out it was not OK. Well, they went off to the library and got out books about trans lives after realising they need to learn. They're an older generation and quite conservative so I was quite amazed.
The jump scare did make me laugh, but hopefully your nerves have settled and the fox is OK too! 💛🦊
24:45 as someone who identifies as queer (ace + bi).
I personally prefer it when my friends describe me as queer, because it's more of an "umbrella" term.
I just have to tell you how hard I chuckled at the "oh my god, you gave me a fright!"
I'm an American, from Southern West Virginia. I have a deep "hillbilly" accent. I absolutely would have hollered "oh shit! You scared the tar out of me!" 🤣🤣🤣
A lot of us have trauma because of the religion we were raised in. I now worship a deity who is pansexual and gender fluid. I tend to try to avoid people who belong to my former religion because of my trauma.
The topic of if kids should transition medically always hits a hot button for me as a trans guy. I've known I was a guy my entire life, there is not time I didn't know. Unfortunately I grew up in a different time so while my first memory of thinking maybe I should say something goes back as 4-ish years old I didn't come out until I was 29. I work with local schools sometimes as an art educator and have come to know a kid that's trans and just seeing her get all the things I was never allowed has been so healing. Having said that having to listen to them run into the same road blocks I hit as an adult is frustrating and heart breaking. There are many children out there who I'm sure don't have their gender figured out so cut and dry, but given the chance I would have gone in for phallo the moment it was safe, not when someone else decided I was 'old enough' by their personal standards. I'm still facing that issue. It is a straight up transphobic thing to say to anyone of any age, because many steps in my medical transition were road blocked by people saying I wasn't old enough because I was still technically in my 20's at 29. This argument isn't being made towards exclusively children and it's not about age, just like it's not about restrooms.
Polite questions can save the world.
for the first one, I think it should be used to help start to make people completely out of the loop. It isn't a permanent answer but one that will work to help begin understanding
"Oh my God you've gave me a fright." Is the most British thing I've heard in a while. I love this channel so much.
"who wears the pants in your relationship?"
"On a good day, nobody."
re: "isn't everybody pan?" this is why kinsey described sexuality as a spectrum. very, very few people would say they are ONLY attracted to genitals, and those few people are almost certainly also transphobic so it wouldn't matter if you're trans, whether or not they're attracted to you depends on the genitals you possess. but for the vast majority of people, sexual orientation is more like a preference, and there's a little bit of wiggle room for someone who differs from their usual criteria but is nonetheless attractive to them. i think i would be best described as asexual and biromantic - i don't really want to have anything to do with penises OR vaginas, trans or cis, but i have had crushes on both men and women. and whether i assign that attraction to "man" or "woman" is based on presentation, not genitalia. so because jamie presents as a man, i evaluate how attracted i am on what male qualities i find desirable. a trans woman would not meet those same criteria, even if she hadn't undergone any surgery, so if i was crushing on a trans woman i would still consider that a woman-to-woman attraction.
For the misgendering problem, I understand the difficulty for face to face. I had the same problem because my brain found it easier to bring up old memories of before I knew my friend was trans and then related her to my old perception of her. What I found helpful was looking at photos of her now and saying her name and she/her pronouns out loud. That way I got used to it and the new memories became stronger than the old ones.
Pansexual/Panromantic polyamorous trans man with 2 bi partners here!
Pan and Bi coexist under the same umbrella and which term you use depends on what you personally are more comfortable with, but-
In my experience the difference has just been
Pan has no gender preference at all.
Bi *could* have a gender preference but doesn’t have to.
(like for example attracted to more than one gender but prefers fem presenting identities)
As a pan, I really don’t like the rhetoric that for pans it’s about identity not gender. Because for many bi people it’s still also or even just about identity. Pans just lack a preference in general.
re. cishet using queer. in australia (and particularly victoria) queer is a commonly used umbrella term by lots of people. like government policies etc use queer as well as lgbtqi+. my university had a ‘queer lounge’. i know this differs in different countries but here it’s pretty commonly used.
3 months late but I have an opinion I’d like to share:
TLDR:
Queer (adjective): no issues with cishets using it. It actually makes me feel more accepting than LGBTQ+ (perhaps oddly)
Queer (noun): a reclaimed slur, it’d be inappropriate for non-queer people to use
I’ve actually become slightly uncomfortable with the LGBTQ+ title for our community. It’s hard to say, I’m always unsure how far I should go (I don’t want to exclude anyone), and lately, it sounds almost…corporate? Idk and I feel kinda crazy typing that out
When I hear “queer” as an adjective, I feel empowered. It feels loud of proud and learning more about our history, it represents (at least to me) protest against assimilation, a rejection of respectability politics.
This is how I feel, though. People who are hurt by the use of the word are valid!
"I don't think I reacted right when someone came out". People have *YEARS* to plan how to come out to someone. However, to the person receiving information, they literally have milliseconds to react and respond to the person coming out. You are going to probably trip. If you want to be more supportive. Follow up.
"Hey, I know coming out is hard and I am concerned I sounded dismissive. I just want to say that I 100% support you and care about you. Thank you for telling me. I've been told coming out isn't an easy thing"
That said, read the room. Sometimes people like the "Great. What's for dinner?" because it doesn't make a big deal out of it.
Jamie, you're such a great guy!!! I love how you are always so respectful but still have a little bit of cheekyness here and there in your reactions, you're the best. Shaba is a lucky woman! And you're a lucky man too, because she is just as wonderful a person as you are! I truly love both of your content!
Much love,
an enby from the Netherlands ;)
Day 229 of asking for OT, Jammidodger, TheClick and TheLexiKitty to collab
When I'm talking to/thinking of my middle daughter I have to remind myself that she is my daughter & to call her as such. When speaking about my daughter to others it's easier because I'm used to having to explain that my daughter introduced herself to me "x" # of years ago. When I picture my middle daughter I'm not allowed to think of her when she was an infant/toddler (by her rule) because she wasn't herself then. So I'm only allowed to think about her from when she came out & then on. Which is hard. Because there was so much time, so much that has happened in her life, but I'm forbidden from talking or even thinking about those things.
My daughter has told me that I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything to do with LGBTQ+ anything, down to telling me that I'm not allowed to say that the Trans representation cake that she made looked nice.
I love how nuanced you are!
Back in my straight girl days, I HATED all the straight people jokes. I felt so invalidated and it was horrible. There was so much pressure from my all-queer friendship group to be a certain way, like a certain group of people, to dress a certain way... I absolutely felt like it was taboo to talk about liking men. I wanted my friends to support me when I had a crush on someone, not "ew men." This may be a hot take here, but it absolutely was as hurtful to me as someone being homophobic and telling me it's not okay to like girls. It had the same effects - and while it did turn out that I do like girls and I'm bisexual, this behaviour and all the nastiness actually pushed me further into the closet and because I was so hurt by the LGBT+ community, it took me far longer to come to terms with my sexuality and I only realised and felt safe exploring it when I knew I was in a place that would accept me for who I was, no matter who I was. It also took me a long time to realise that it was okay to want to dress and express femininely. That friendship group was incredibly toxic and did cause me a lot of harm. I get the odd straight people joke, I make them myself sometimes - but please, please, *know when to stop.* The stuff they said to me was framed as a joke, but it just went too far and got to the point where it clearly wasn't a joke any more.
they way i see it. if you wouldn't want a joke turned around and directed at you, then don't make the joke. Imagine if you said ew to their attraction. maybe because Im bi I end up trying to defend both sides, but I hate the hypocrisy.
@@autumnagain Exactly. Is the whole point not "let people love who they love ffs"?
@@autumnagain I feel like if it gets to the point of continous and outright bullying then yeah it's wrong. But I just don't think it really makes sense to exactly compare them. Like there is such a thing as punching up or down. Making _occasional_ jokes about men, or straight people, or cis people, or people who generally have more systemic power, is not at all equivalent to people making bigoted jokes about marginalised people who are constantly hated and mistreated by society. Punching up often does not really hurt or affect the majority group in a mjaor way, or very rarely does. Punching down almost always affects the minority group and contributes to their societal marginalisation in very tangible ways (Street harrassment, assault, employment, sustainable housing, mental health, acceptance). Like making a cis joke will often at most hurt a single cis person's feeling, often when they are engaging in the toxic behaviour being criticised. Making a trans joke can contribute to the negative stereotypes about trans people that can get them literally killed.
The difference is that a straight person can 100% experience verbal or emotional abuse from their queer friends if the 'jokes' aren't really jokes and turn into all out bashing. But that is a singular experience that is not that common, or just not as common as the frequency of homophobia or queerphobia queer people experience on a _regular_ basis from straight people and society. Most straight jokes aren't toxic or abusive, and at the end of the day, a straight person can leave a toxic queer friend group and will have a much easier time of finding other straight people to befriend because they are the majority. But a queer person often cannot escape societal queerphobia as easily or even at all, and it can be hard to find community because we are the minority. Punching up or making jokes about people who are in the majority or have more societal power or privilege is also a way marginalised people cope with the constant trauma of being oppressed. We make jokes about straight people being awful because they so often are, or _enough_ are for our lives to be miserable, and there is often not much we can do in the present moment to change how we are being treated, so we joke about it. Again it shouldn't go too far, but I don't think there's anything wrong with joking about it. I also don't think there's anything wrong with venting about it either, in a way that is healthy and respectful to someone's boundaries and emotional capacity of course - I think a lot of straight people are able to understand they are not the ones being addressed if a person is talking about how difficult it is to deal with straight coworkers or family members or The Straights. In the same way thar there are men who don't get offended when women and enbies make fun of toxic behaviours that are predominantly displayed by men. Like if the person making the joke isn't being outright toxic, and you don't display the behaviours being fairly criticised, then there is not much reason to be offended or hurt imo. They aren't talking about you.
There are SO many ways it just isn't the same for a gay person to make a joke about a straight person than it is vice versa. Again, it should never be veering into actual verbal abuse, and if someone has friends who mask actual emotional or verbal abuse as 'straight jokes' or punching up, they have every right to be upset and leave. But interpersonal mistreatment isn't really the same as homophobia or transphobia, in that one is specific to certain situations and often avoidable or escapable and not linked to pervasive long term societal oppression that will affect literally every area of your life.
There's also a whole conversation to be had about _how_ people make straight jokes and how often people make them in a way that is biphobic and hurtful to specifically bi people. It's kind of like when people make Karen jokes but use them as a way to say misogynistic things about women. It isn't to say all the jokes are bad but we all have biases against marginalised people and that can affect how we joke about people who are more societally powerful than us but marginalised in some ways.
I'm sorry your ex friends treated you that way. I think sometimes queer people who are visibly queer can overcompensate for the homophobia they experience or have internalised for not being straight presenting or straight passing by making those traits inherently bad. Like lesbians receive constant and overwhelming pressure to date and be sexually available to men, and are made to feel less than or abnormal for not liking men, so they push back by making liking men inherently bad or wrong in some way. Like, 'i'm not weird and inferior, you are!'. Or 'I can't like men no matter how much you want me too, because liking men is actually inherently awful and bad.' If people can't accept that we just don't like men and it isn't a choice nor wrong in any way, then it can feel like criticising the concept of dating men in it's entirety is the only avenue that doesn't make us feel abnormal or inferior to women who can date men. It doesn't ultimately deal with the problem and is often the toxic and emotionally immature response.
It isn't especially reasonable or fair, especially to bi women. It often makes liking men seem diametrically opposed to liking women and it isn't fair to make bi people choose or feel guilty for any attraction. But it is tempting especially for younger insecure queer people, and with how much biphobia and transmisogyny lingers in certain facets of queer communities, it isn't surprising. Some queer people can also just be really toxic and cliquey.
I often struggle to find the line with saying 'ew men' to actual men who try to force themselves on lesbians, or straight women who think liking women is disgusting and liking men is natural and makes them superior to lesbians when their male partners often treat them very poorly. And when society is basically constantly trying to force feed you something you know you don't like, it's only natural to develop a pretty intense aversion to that thing. But that certainly doesn't justify bashing bi women for having male love interests or partners, and lesbians need to be careful with how and how often we express these feelings. Not wanting to date men doesn't justify bashing people who do. And it certainly doesn't justify not supporting your friend in their crushes. Just thought I'd explain where some of these behaviours come from. Not an excuse at all, ots a very self centred way to think, but it is often born out of some form of unprocessed trauma that is unfortunately being taken out on bi people.
@@Lisa_Flowers Yeah, no, I found it really hard - especially as I still have a strong preference for men. I now identify as LGBT+ in three different ways (bisexual, demisexual, genderfae) but I'm still not "queer enough" for some people
3rd person reminds me of when I came out as trans. Quite a few people asked how my partner feels about it, and depending on the person asking they got a short "none of your business". Most people got that answer actually. A family member of mine that I confide in often did not ask this at all but I brought it up to him and how annoying it was in some of the cases. My family member said "well, I haven't really questioned if your relationship would be different... well for one, I assume he knew before anyone else, and second... I mean, we are all a little pan, aren't we?" (he asked rhetorically). I didn't say anything and just thought "wow, he just outed himself to me". 😂 People often judge others their own perspective, "takes one to know one". Or as we say in swedish "Från sig själv känner man andra" (from oneself we know others).
4th person...
When I came out as trans I got mostly "ok cool, so just to be clear, what are your pronouns", some "ok, trans man och non-binary" (if I had only said trans initially), a few "congratulations" (mostly gen z tbh, I myself are gen y/millenial), and some "ok... how long have you known?" and a few more nosy upfront questions that made me feel uncomfortable. I was prepared to stand up for myself and was positively surprised by the support... and then realised that I had spent like five years before hand ridding my life of toxic or lgbt-phobic people overall. Edit, I almost forgot, I got a few "Oh good finally he is out!" 😂 This was all my middle and high school friends that I still talked to, they were not the least bit surprised and reacted with various degrees of this statement, pure joy from all of them. I did get some that did not respond at all and a few that thought I had been hacked (For aquaintanes I used fb messenger, since I have a youtube channel and an open instagram I told them only because I wanted it to come from me personally and these were people I rarely interacted with).
5th... For me dysphoria feels like wanting to step out of my own skin, like there should be a zipper somewhere that I haven't found yet (getting there slowly tho). A friend of mine, when I said this, said "Oh, like the Edgar suit from Men in Black?" Yes, yes, yes.
8:06 My perspective as a lesbian is that i am not attracted PHYSICALLY (or at all) to men. I can see that they look good, but i only am attracted to women
I looked up puberty blockers. They were approved for use in treating precocious puberty in children by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in 1993 (in use for precocious puberty since the 1980s. So I would almost certainly have not been able to get on them before my natural puberty, because I'm old.
As someone who started T in their late 40s and has been on it for a little over 6 months, yes, my voice has dropped naturally. So I think even age is not particularly a factor in that.
I don't think a cis-straight person should be able to use the term queer. Even if you're genderqueer, that makes you not cis, if your heteroflexible, you're not really straight. So in those instances you could be queer, but not cis-straight. Of note, though, when I found myself feeling very very offended/hurt by being called cisgender, I discovered that I was, in fact, not cisgender. I just hadn't had the words, and had never felt I could explore my gender. So perhaps this person is simply questioning the validity of what they had believed about themselves for their whole life?
So the answer to the first question… there is no single answer. I think the way he explains it in this video is perfect. For me, I can describe the feeling, because for me, being trans very strongly manifests with gender dysphoria. I was a “Green Beret” in the US Army. As a portion of our survival training, I was locked into a very tight enclosed space, with no light and barely enough room to fit. After a time that seemed to me like an eternity, I panicked and started begging for them to let me out. It was sheer, utter panic at feeling like I was trapped in a place that I was trapped didn’t belong, and I just had to get out. One day early in my transition, after my egg had cracked, I had a strong panic attack, feeling like I was trapped in what I will call a “meat prison”. That panic and feeling gave me instant flashbacks to my survival school. The only problem was that I couldn’t scream and beg for someone to let me out this time. I experienced a few more attacks periodically, but as I have progressed in my transition, and have become slowly more comfortable in my skin, those panic attacks have thankfully subsided. However, that is MY experience with being trans… others’ experiences may be completely different!
Yeah, the shoe analogy didn’t really work for me either. My experiences feel way too visceral to describe them as something that… ‘uncreative’ or mundane I guess.
I’m honestly a little shocked at how many people are heavily identifying with the shoe analogy, given how little it fits how I feel. Goes to show the difference in experiences I guess.
@@gem3763 yeah I’ve found that trans people’s experiences with it vary so widely that there really isn’t a correct answer to the question “what does it feel like to be trans”
💜💜💜
I’m cool with cishets using the word queer if they’re not being bigoted, either as an umbrella term or for someone like me where it’s a bit fuzzy and I usually don’t wanna load people up with jargon so I default to “bi” or “queer”
Oh I think I can understand why it's in person that the misgendering happens! In a sense a mix of habit and like. Conceived notions of appearance is the only way I can think of saying it. Pretty much. It's easier to associate something "new" when removed at the time, only going off memory. The picture can warp more easily ergo allowing a better grasp on pronoun change.
But once you're in person, especially with someone you knew before, then that rigid picture is there instead so you fall into old habits. You grew up with this person being perceived as a different gender, and while memory is easy to change, seeing them in person refreshes that old memory and habit. Making it so you more easily slip up.
This can also apply without knowing someone before hand. For example: My cousin has a friend who is trans, goes by she/her pronouns. When not around her friend I can more easily use She/her cause no social standing is getting in the way. In person? She still looks and sounds very much masculine which isn't bad, I need that noted, but my dumb ADHD lizard brain running on autopilot and not thinking misgenders her often cause I'm not thinking before words come out my mouth and I've been conditioned by society to see her voice and features as "masculine". So autopilot goes with those perceptions. It's frustrating to me and makes me feel bad cause I myself am non-binary and while I don't mind being called by my assigned sex, I can also understand as it feels better being called "they/them".
But yeah. Pretty much brains stupid, society has put labels on certain features and your brain LOVES easy categories so falls back on them when on autopilot. Think like RAM. At some point the "new" pronouns become habit and part of your RAM but until then that's an active file you have to purposefully access. If you aren't running manually then you often don't access it going with the wrong one stored in you RAM
Pretty much the best thing to do is probably try to be more "manual" when in person with this person. Aka run all your thoughts through a filter and truly think them out first.
I love how this chick thinks....it's so crazy that I just get to laugh at it. Horrible advice from a horrible woman.
in what manner is he a bad person?
@@hirandompeopled4968 She tells people to lie almost every upload. Then promotes child endangerment.
@@XXIIXIIIXXXIXXXIXlmao. Trans people make cry like a toddler. special!.
He* is a man* and you’re literally arguing against proven science.
@@XXIIXIIIXXXIXXXIXthe only “child endangerment” going on here is parents forcing their children to be someone they aren’t and actively working to cause them misery by refusing to treat them as human beings (which is what you are doing)
I accidentally misgender nonbinary people and repeatedly use the prior assumed gender (which I know is itself an archaic habit). I keep interrupting myself: he-- THEY / she-- THEY. And I am doing my best, but my instinct gets in my way.
This would be easier in Persian, because we don't have exclusive pronouns. He is او (eú) she is او him is او her is او his dog is سگش sag-ash, her dog is سگش .
I really wish ze/zer caught on, because my language training (which was very rigorous, growing up) pushed so hard that They/Them can only be plural.
a gay ss teacher in my school explained how attraction to only one gender worked for him. he described it as just gravitating and clicking with males in a way he doesn’t seem to get with females or people somewhere else on the gender spectrum
hope this helps!
Hey, stop using cis on normal people....then maybe I'll play along 😂
but you are not normal. you cry about trans people as a personality trait way to hard to be normal.
@@pathevermore3683is someone mad about a normal person having an opinion 😢😢 btw you just used a term that they don’t like (cis), so what if I “misgender” and show you what we mean
Womp Womp
@@larryharrison4396 yup. they got mad that normal people do not cry about trans people 24/7 like hilarious snowflakes.
don't get triggered and cry about a word, you don't want the world to think you are angry, now would you?
@@pathevermore3683 Peope crying about a word are trans people when you call them the wrong pronouns 🥱 you don’t need to be the 13 year old white knight of trans people lil bro
Is there a non gendered term for son/daughter? "Child" doesn't feel appropriate for an adult, "offspring" doesn't feel right either.
It’s essentially dealers choice. There’s not really some specific version of son/daughter for non-binary people, but there are a lot of non gender specific terms for your child. My personal favorite is spawn, but it’s really up to you. As for “child” seeming wrong for an adult, I would honestly say it sounds fine, but that’s just me
When referring to one's own children, even adult children, the appropriate term would be child or children. As in "This is my child./ These are my children."
Goblin/Gremlin.
Kid
I am Non-Binary and my best friend recently said I wasn't Trans. It really hurt, because I identify as trans (I certainly am not Cis), but the tone of her voice was really offensive to me. She shut up because she obviously didn't want to argue but it still upset me :(
Your friend's right you know.
@@science_bearno they aren’t. Transgender means not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth. That includes non-binary
@@ScarletTiger109 except nonbinaries do identify that way, look at Anderson Aldrich identifying as male like they're cisgender
regarding the person who keeps misgendering in the person's presence. Keep in mind i am NOT a doctor, working scientist, etc etc. i'm just a nerd who studies random things to a sometimes irrational degree.
This boils down to 1 fact. the Brain is Lazy AF. 99/100 your brain operates using the path of least resistance unless you intentionally work to change things. making new memories or associations is not just an ephemeral experience, it actually involves the physical action of connecting new neurons and neural pathways. so if you had referred to your cousin using she/her for say 20 years before they came out as trans, your brain has had that 20 years of associating his face to their deadname, wrong gender, etc. while they are not directly in front of you, your brain doesn't have that immediate associative reaction, and lets your descision making processes make the correct choice in what gender and name you actually say. however when he is actually there, and you're talking about him, your brain will automatically insert the "easiest option", or the one that takes the least amount of time and energy to come up with, even if you know its the wrong one. its biologically very usefull, as it allows us to communicate very rapidly and while it might be more error prone, due to not being able to "update" as quickly as more deliberate and cognizant speech.
But you have the right idea. practice. the more often you can force your brain into associating him as the correct gender and name, the stronger that connection will become in your mind, and the weaker the wrong information will get. especially since you seem happy and supportive of their transition, your brain will be able to reinforce the new information faster as you will feel better and happier when using the correct gender and name, and feel bad when you mess up. the brain doesn't want bad feelings, it wants good feelings. so when it does something that makes good feelings, it can restructure itself much more quickly to make good feelings happen more often. ironcially thats also how addiction works.
BECOME ADDICTED TO CORRECTLY GENDERING PEOPLE
Would just like to pop in and correct the misconception about T making your voice drop. It very likely will, but it also may not. I'm speaking from the perspective of a trans man whose been on T for 5 years and has grown full body and facial hair, as well as everything else. My voice never dropped, and over the phone I am always referred to as "ma'am" and "miss". It doesn't happen for everyone. I also have a colleague whose ftm trans with the same predicament. T can drop your voice, but it also may not. You may have to voice train yourself.
I felt so weird and uncomfortable about my own body when I got a freaking SPRAY TAN. I can’t even imagine being born a different gender than the one you identify with
When I came out to my mom, it was bc I was sick and tired of her talking sbout marriage even tho to her knowledge at the time I was single. And when I told my bestie she was mad bc they wanted to be there when I came out to my mom. Lol. Thry wanted to be there to support me when i did come out. And before you ask questions, she accepts me but not my choices. But she supports me. Even tho it's not a choice.
The shoes analogy was awesome
[EXPLANATION]
I think the PAN question was more just: if the "only" thing determining someones gender is how they feel on the inside (like someone afab could be a man even without changing anything about their body or style or anything. They could "look like a woman" whatever that means in their society but still be a man, because the only thing that matters is how they identify) then how can someone be attracted to one gender only. Cause this would kinda mean you have to ask how someone identifies before being able to decide whether or not you're attracted to them. So you can't just look at a person on the bus and think they're attractive. Because let's say you're a straight man, you think a very feminin looking person on the bus is attractive, but what you don't know is he's a man (trans without any affirming physical changes or just otherwise feminin looking, you assume they are an attractive woman). So you are (without even knowing) attracted to a man, therefore you can't really be straight, right?
So really the only way someone could be anything but pansexual is if they are only attracted to people after asking what their gender is (and also if they're attracted to someone and that person comes out as trans, they immediately stop being attracted to them because they're now a gender they're not attracted to)
....I overcomplicated this explanation, didn't I😂
It's not common that I want a content creator to see my comment so bady, but I feel like I have the explanation to the exact thing he's misunderstanding and/or confused about in this question😅 or just a very similar question I myself have had about the topic for a while. So if anyone has any answers to it please lemme know😅
7:51 for me, it's personally a lot easier to end up misgendering someone when they are early in their transition or aren't out to everyone around them and thus have to dress like their assigned gender at birth. Like for example, my sister has an online transfemme friend and I sometimes catch myself misgendering her in my head when I'm on voice calls with her cuz her voice is still deep and I think my brain just wrongly autocorrects to he/him bc of that even tho ik she uses she/her. I never have this problem outside of vcs with her tho, so maybe this is sort of a similar thing? I just think spending more time with the person and reforming the habits takes time, and you have to retrain your brain.
i understand the pansexual qustion a lot actually
my understanding of gender is that while each gender sorta has tropes, in reality iut's nothing more than something one calls themselves
so the idea that attraction can be (and is primarily) labeled by well uhhh a different type of label over what character traits one is attracted to is a little strange
I think cishet people using the word queer depends on who they're using it for because a lot of lgbtq+ people use queer as part of their identity, so if their friends use queer to refer to themself I think it would be fine, especially if it's the preferred label of the friends
I had a hard time with accidentally misgendering my daughter's best friend, afab, who socially transitioned at 13yo. I've known him since they were in kindergarten. He knew I was completely supportive and really trying, and eventually I stopped misgendering him. Never had an issue with accidentally dead naming him.
Whenever Jamie does the pitch-shift effect to lower his voice, he sounds so much like Christopher Lee as Saruman.
9:35
I think what the person meant was, and this is my assumption, is it gay to like a trans-woman pre-bottom surgery since she has a penis/vice versa. And I guess I understand the confusion it's the reason most folks say they wouldn't date trans people since they're uncomfortable with the trans individuals genitalia when they have sex.
But to answer the question no it's not gay to date a pre-op trans-woman. (If you're a straight man)
Anyways brief statement I have. Most people WOULD date a trans person 100%, but the issue most people have is they're allosexuals and don't want to have sex with that trans person, due to genitals, so they say no to dating even though the only issue is sex.
That's my only issue with trans guys, I would absolutely date a trans guy if he asked me out but the idea if sex with him kinda puts me off I can't explain it really.
As an asexual trans person I find it hilarious that I understand the question about everyone being pan, because I, too, wonder how someone could be sexually attracted to only one gender, regardless of genitals, possibly because I can't even fathom sexual attraction, to me the only thing that makes sense is "is how I want sex to feel", so wouldn't the man in that situation be pansexual and homoromantic? Like, yeah, they're definitely both men, but I thought genitals mattered to some allosexuals?
i live in norway and kontaktede riksen (where you transition through the goverment or really at all in norway) to get on pubertyblokers and they said i wasnt allowed because i am ftm instead of mtf
The question about whether someone is pan is poorly communicated and based on a misunderstanding / confusion of certain descriptors, but from what I can tell I *think* I understand the gist of the question and what this person is saying... although it is difficult. There is some undertones of transphobia going on here, even if unintentional, by insinuating that a transman who hasn't had bottom surgery doesn't "qualify" as a man where sexuality is concerned by implying that a man attracted to this individual would be 'straight' because of the lack of GCS.
I'm also getting similar vibes to a later post in the video, the one about in hypotheticals "does any kind of identity matter if it can be changed on a whim" stuff, because the person seems to be saying that if the attraction towards an individual is based only on character and not gender or sex, they fit the definition of "pan"... which is technically true, but is also overlooking a lot of other possibilities. It doesn't look at what this hypothetical person _isn't_ attracted to, if anything, which would impact whether or not they were pan. There's also the matter of the difference between being pansexual and panromantic... as someone could be one, both or neither.
I imagine its harder to imagine panromantic as this person is describing because gender is an amorphous and self-defined concept, independent of sex, as is character, and they can both evolve and change over time and experience, which makes it difficult to put a rigid criteria on what someone finds attractive and what they don't. I don't think its farfetched to say anyone / everyone is a least a little bit pan (besides aro-aces), or at least has the potential to be so.
Because gender expression, gender identity, biological sex, sexual orientation and romantic orientation are all independent of each other, anyone can be any combination of labels, and limiting one's attraction to a single set does seem difficult, but attraction doesn't immediately lead to pursuit or interest, either. And some people will always see gender and sex as the same thing and only experience attraction towards individuals that fit their definition of what a man or a woman is, so in that scenario, I can definitely see how someone can only be attracted to one gender.
I know I probably didn't illuminate or explain the poster's intentions super well but that is the general feeling I got from it.
I’m 40 and I recently started working with a 20-something non-binary person whose pronouns are they/them. I practiced alone, picturing their face and holding mock conversations. I was READY!
First chance presented itself and…… “him” came out of my mouth. Why, brain? Why?
But literally nothing happened. I continued the conversation and got it right after that.
We’re very conditioned and we do have to learn, but I have yet to meet anyone who does more than a quick correction with a grin.
Still salty about it after all that practice, but it’s not about me.
For me being trans feels like someone shoving something down my throat, not being able to breath and then pushing that away and using my voice and mind like I was sopposed to. Not restricted by panic, discomfort and being stuck in one position. (Im nonbinary, they/them)
For the pansexual one, I think the question being asked there is "if gender is a matter of personal identity rather than a concrete group of physical characteristics, when you're attracted to a specific gender, what are you attracted to?" which is a pretty interesting question and not one I really know how to answer even as someone attracted exclusively to men. The followup question or one along the same lines would probably be "if you were attracted to someone before knowing their gender, could finding out what their gender is change that and why?" Trans people do definitely play a part in the reasoning behind the question but I do think there's more to it than that, and it is interesting to think about especially given the line between AFAB and AMAB biology itself is a lot less clear than most people believe it to be.
when it comes to accidental misgendering, to what ive found, if you appear very feminine as a trans man or vet masculine as a trans woman, it can be hard for people to gender you correctly, especially at first, even more so if they knew you by your deadname and previous pronouns. its why i use any pronouns and a gender neutral version of my name in conversation, its to make it bearable for others while i transition. this is usually only the case early on in transitioning, but, as long as you talk about it with the person misgendering you continually and accidentally, or if youre accidentally misgendering someone, and there is a desire to change to reflect support, i think its totally fine to take time and slowly switch that around in your heads, though, as i said a conversation needs to be had
So some people have been talking about the visual stimuli that unfortunately makes misgendering more common even from supportive people. But from my experience it also has to do with auditory stimuli. I have a long distance friend who is a trans man and I will use he/him pronouns when I refer to him but when I get into a vc with him and hear his voice my brain instinctively goes she/her since his voice still leans feminine
I think the best non-body-centered description I can think of is like... Imagine that you, as a man, regardless of how you act or look or feel about yourself, everyone around you treats you like a woman. Nobody asks, people doint you when you say you aren't, nobody agrees when you say otherwise, and regardless of what you do or say, people still treat you like/interact with you as a woman (and vice versa).
For me, dysphoria feels like wanting to go home when you're already in your house.
I don't know about other people, but for me misgendering and deadnaming someone, no matter the context or necessity or whether they're there or not just feel very fundamentally... wrong.
I have a very strong belief system, general respect for others, and sense of justice and truth, which I suppose is the source of my discomfort, but calling someone by their deadname or the wrong pronouns feels like one of the most abhorrent types of lying there is.
About the misgendering: I used to feel the same way with a friend whom I knew years before the transition. The image of him and the pronouns that were used before always came to my mind when we were together. The feeling is horrible because this is so stupid, like it doesn't happen with cis people! I guess I made him feel really uncomfortable for some time, but I felt bad as well. So, I always corrected myself immediately until I stopped with such stupidity.
Can I just say I just found out panphobia exists with comparing it to bisexuality and I’d like to possibly see you react to that and maybe explain it
I'm gender queer, and I didn't start experiencing dysphoria until I started getting curvier. I feel like a fraud, because there are all of these stories online about people knowing that they are trans since they were 5 years old. I haven't medically transitioned, but I have mostly socially transitioned.
I think that a good, but way too long alternative to the "born in the wrong body" phrasing would be: imagine you, cis man or woman, are as you are now, except since your birth everyone around you kept calling you by incorrect name and pronouns, and dressed you like the kids of another gender to yours. All while you see all the other kids of your gender acting, dressing, looking, and being named in ways you'd be more comfortable with. Eventually you just internalize the fact that you are a gender you aren't, until one day you find out you were always a man/woman/enby! Trans people, upon realizing this, choose to change different things about their body or presentation to look the way they want to look, instead of conforming blindly to societal standards. Some might want to change a lot, some might want to change some things here and there, and some might even stay the same! Realizing you're trans just allows you to make those decisions easier.
Second Marcy pfp in this coment section!
@@3CatsInATrenchoat Yup! I noticed :P Honestly she just looks good in pfp form.
Or, The Matrix when NOT employed by manosphere dipsh!ts.
There was after all, the tragic case of the boy who suffered a severe genital injury, and Dr. John Money persuaded his parents that his male genitalia could not be adequately restored, but a conversion could be achieved: he could be given surgery and then groomed into being a girl by an intensive program of reparative therapy.
The unfortunate child grew up feeling as though he was not the girl everyone kept telling him he was. Even though he was subjected to a relentless series of conversion therapy sessions from early childhood, he still knew, deep inside, that he wasn't the girl he was told he was. When he learned the truth, he was horrified, but also relieved to finally understand what had been wrong for so long.
Speaking as a cis person, I suspect the nightmarish story of David Reimer is one of the best analogies to explain the experience of trans people - as well as a perfect response to the large minority of people who keep on trying to argue in favor of "conversion therapy", "reparative counseling" or (when they're feeling especially honest) "therapeutic rape".
something was always off, and then a couple years after i learned about trans people (about a month after i had my femboy "phase" [only a phase because i ended up transfem]) that i was a girl. It always kinda felt forced and boy names never felt like they worked for me, and i had never thought of the girl names.
My guess for the question about misgendering when around someone: When you’re talking ABOUT someone (they’re not present) you have to think about them and it’s very easy to remember. But when you’re talking with someone you aren’t thinking about the person, you’re thinking about the things they’re saying. Then it’s easier for instincts built up over a long time to come out. Def goes away with practices and changing those instincts
This. Also, if they haven't transitioned (completely) yet, it could be that for example the voice just makes op's brain slip up.
Registers as female voice and brain goes: female pronouns! Even though you know better.
and those instincts are hard to overcome but i remember reading that it takes 21 days to build a habit. when my friend came out as nonbinary, it took me that long to stop using their old pronouns instinctively whenever i was on call with them. as long as you're trying, that issue tends to work itself out with time and practice.
This is how I would explain it too. I have the same experience with a friend of mine who's currently in the very early stages of transitioning but started using she/her pronouns and it's the same as with this person - it's so easy to use the correct pronouns when talking about her but I keep slipping when I'm with her and it makes me feel so bad every time. Like I'm somehow disgenuine in my support even though I don't really believe that
That feels like a good take. I'm very defensive of my sibling, who's in the early stages of coming out as gender-fluid. But after I spend time with them, I find my brain resetting to their old pronouns. Feel like thumping my brain to reset!
I knew a trans guy once, where after some innitial confusion I got it down pat, but then he played a woman character in pf and it set me back ages lol.
It’s such a nice change of pace to have people that actually want to learn instead of asking nosy or just straight up rude questions.
@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzwhats the point in commenting that?
@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jz no u
Yea, it IS bullshit that some people out there are still ignorant and needlessly cruel to innocent people trying to live in a way that makes them comfortable and doesn't harm anybody else at all!! You're so right. Some people are so close-minded. Thank you for your support!
(Sarcasm. I'm about 99% sure you were calling LGBT topics bullshit. If that's the case: move past middle school biology and read actual studies by scientists who spent years studying the intricacies of that topic, and concluded that queer people are very real and NORMAL)
(Additionally, because Some people really really love to use the argument that "oh they're mutilating their bodies", first: Not all Trans people get surgeries in the first place. Some use hormone replacement. And others still decide not to physically transition at all. And the people who do get surgery are adults with autonomy who have spent thousands of dollars to get this procedure done for THEMSELVES. They are not forcefully strapping You down to a table and forcing You to get a surgery. It's no different than an adult choosing for example to get a fat removal surgery, a cis woman getting a chest job, a cis man getting an enlargement surgery, etc. Less than 1% of people who get these sort of surgeries actually go on to regret it. Because, like I said, getting a surgery isn't the answer for all trans people. Do you think that life saving treatments such as chemo should be stopped Just because they don't work for every single patient who gets them? If somebody is getting a life-saving heart surgery but there's a 1% chance that the procedure *could* go wrong, should we then just let that person die and not go ahead with the surgery? Of course not.)
@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jz
@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzi agree. Its bullshit to be rude.
@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzWhat is your intention behind this comment?