My husband and I have a rule: no obligatory gifting. Ever. No holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. We do _Just Becauses_ when we see something that we makes us think of someone and we think they'd like it. It's been 19 years and 10/10 would recommend! I get serious ick from gifts given because the calendar says that's what we're supposed to do.
Me and my close friends regularly walked by this antique store next to the cafe we used to always hang out. There, in the window, was a small oil painting that my friend told me she liked very much. The next time we walked by the store the painting was gone, and my friend was sad that it wasn't there anymore. On her birthday she was very moved when she found out that I had bought it for her. The gifts we give each other are always things that the other really loves. Probably because we've known each other for 35 years. Also, she's an ex-girlfriend of mine from 30 years ago and we still remain best friends.
My friend last year gave me a bag with some used books (loved that!), chocolates, and literal 1/2 used 25 year old nail polishes. She is an unconventional lady and the nail polishes were such an odd gift that they still amuse me. I laugh every time I think of them and that is one of the BEST gifts ever.
This brought me an insight onto why christmas has been so uncomfortable for me at times since my early teens. I am obviously grateful when a relative gives me a present, but most of the times I'm left feeling decieved and misunderstood, as if they had got me the present because they are supposed to.... which is probably what happens. I can't think of anything I've received from my family that has felt as if they had put heart, thought and/or effort on it in like 7 years (I'm 19 y/o now and I dont blame them, we have been through the thick and thin and especially my mother has gone thorugh serious hardships, but still). I love making stuff whether it is food or crafts and giving it away to my friends and family, and I dont think that getting that as a birthday or christmas gift would bother me at all, whatsmore, I would be the happiest person ever.
The way I clicked on the link when I saw the title. SAME. I'm so tired of dealing with gifts, they are seldom truly needed or useful as I am fortunate to be able to afford to buy them myself. People assume I say I don't want anything because I am humble or polite. I'm going to have to start biting people when they ask what I want. A friend decided to settle for edible/drinkable gifts for me only, so I at least can consume and be done with them. I still don't want anything but at least what she buys me no longer clutters my flat anymore.
Hello there cinzia, that was a very interesting analogy from your perspective, because I am the total opposite. I really enjoy gift receiving, but my family and friends never celebrated anything (including Christmas and my birthday), so actually I never received any gifts at all (maybe in my childhood). Every time that there is something to be celebrated, I actually go out to buy gifts for myself, because I am tired of waiting for someone to give me something and it always end up as nothing. I find it fascinating that different people have different experiences, and we often find ourselves in opposite situations that we wish to be in. Happy holidays in advance!
Not only do I hate the act of receiving gifts but I also have loads of anxiety about the money spent(wasted) the wrapping/packaging in land fills, the panic of what to do with unwanted gifts. I wind up hoarding everything from tissue paper to bags, to ribbons just to reuse them which takes up a lot of room in my tiny home. I always have supplies to give the obligatory gifts though. Some gift tags I have had for 35 years and every Christmas I go through them and admire how lovely they are but I cant throw them away or have more use for them.
Merry & well wishes dear Cinzia. This was a great topic. I’m one to enjoy time together exploring places instead of gifts. If someone absolutely insists then buying an admission ticket to an event, a historic site, museum etc is my go to. It’s even better when the person wants to attend with me :) My husband and I never get each other holiday gifts we just find something like that to do and enjoy our time. That way the holidays aren’t stressful because honestly they shouldn’t be.♥️
OMG, I thought I was the only one feeling that way. Thanks for putting this out. It’s very comforting to know we’re not alone and it’s ok to be and feel this way.
I think the love styles argument has some force. I wouldn't say I never like receiving gifts but I hate receiving gifts which make me wonder why the giver thought I would like it. I often wonder if the person knows me at all based on some presents I have received and that feeling induces another sort of guilt because you 'aren't allowed' to not be grateful for a gift, however ill thought out.
The thing that is difficult is when gift giving is the big love language of someone and they can't easily understand other perspectives around receiving gifts. This can be such a touchy subject and it's difficult to communicate what you don't want without seeming ungrateful and rude. I have parents who have a strong need to provide whether it be food or presents. Last Christmas one parent basically said "I need you to have multiple presents to open from me" and that is nice when it is things I've asked for or use but it's uncomfortable when it's just there to be a gift or something to change me as a person. I hate being told what I want is too boring/simple to buy for me. Yes nice earplugs are boring, I don't care, I will use it and appreciate it. I struggle with keeping organized and decluttering, and unwanted gifts make both of these harder. I feel so much guilt in getting rid of gifts especially when my parents make me feel bad for not keeping stuff they got me. I basically have to actively say no don't buy me clothes without me trying them on and specifically saying I want it. I hate being body shamed for not fitting a piece of clothing I didn't ask for and not wanting to buy clothes that don't fit. Before I took this stance I've received so many shoes I've been badgered into being gifted, obligated into wearing and ended up with my feet being bruised, blistered, crushed toes and painful corns/calluses. No more.
My family’s Christmas gift giving is a circus and always makes me feel terrible. I can never afford to give gifts and I always get a pile of them. I asked my mom this year to make my Christmas very small.
I love presents, I'm not very keen on surprises tough. In my family we usually gift books to one another and we generally pick our own for the other to give us.
great video. I personally don't even like giving gifts, for financial reasons and also cause I don't think there's anything I can buy that's not gonna be clutter
As a recovered guilty gift giver, I really appreciated everything you had to say. Very true! I do love the Christmas display, the Christmas tree with twinkling lights and presents piled beneath and all that sensory overload. I also love your idea that we should celebrate the season they way we want to and even create different Christmas traditions. I knew someone along time ago who once a year, would take a day and listen to all his Elvis records! For him, it wasn't on Christmas but he did do it religiously !
We haven’t exchanged gifts for years and Christmas isn’t diminished in the slightest. I want for nothing and prefer nothing to stuff I don’t want, need or like cluttering up my space … headspace, too! Excellent post, thank you.
I've told both of my adult children that I don't want anything; not for Christmas, not for my birthday, Mother's Day, etc. I've said that if you feel you absolutely must; give me a gift card for a grocery store, or restaurant. I'm trying to downsize my possessions and I have all of the clothes, shoes, jewelry, books, household items, and so forth, that I will ever need.
Cheers for actually communicating with people about their preferences vs societal assumptions. Very much support the giving to a charity of the loved one/friend's choosing worked this out with a coworker and family member. Much rather support that then passing around more gifts. Thank you Cinzia and hope you are having a peaceful December.
I hate receiving and giving gifts. I just want to be left out of the whole thing. I don't even have anyone that I spend enough time with to even know what they would want, yet I'm still expected to buy gifts for people at Christmas, and they are expected to magically know what I want. We all live far from each other so these holidays are the only time we see each other anyway.
My honors paper for my major was around the power dynamics of gifting and this was a really great video to watch! There’s an anthropological position that the indebtedness of the person receiving the gift was even stronger before capitalism because gifts of meaning were harder to make or procure, esp in smaller communities with very strong social institutions like the Polynesian diaspora :) Your point about love languages is so spot on-I used to give one friend a coupon for an activity instead of a gift because she really didn’t like receiving physical gifts, something like “This Coupon Entitles the Bearer to Panda Express Lunchdate” (one of our go-to lunch spots in high school), or something like that, they could “cash it in” at the time of their choosing and it was always an activity we shared and connected during-as a gift-giver I try to make sure that my generosity isn’t the point of the exchange and try to give to people in ways that will actually make them happy and not just because I really want to show them they are valued and cherished Great topic, love the length of the video-rooting for you and hoping your mouth feels better soon! 💛
Most of the time I feel this way, specially on my birthday, which was this Novermber btw. Most of the times I truly mean it when I say I don't know what I want to get, either because I already have the thing I wanted or because there is really nothing new I want at the moment. When I do give in and say something such as you said, small and/or consumable like indeed soaps (which I do like), or worse when I say something they don't consider special enough to count as a gift like a book or something fairly cheap (crochet yarn), they act offened. Why? If I don't mind that it's something inexpensive or "not special enough" why should you? If that's what I said I wanted I will like it as it. Most of the time they do end up giving me extra stuff or buying a more expensive version of the thing I said I wanted.
So much yes! (Except for the fact that I love wrapping, too. :D) Also, I don’t get that gift giving culture when it comes to grown-ups who earn their own money. It makes sense to buy stuff for children and teens, but when you have your own money, you just get what you want or need. Gift giving among adults only makes sense to me when someone gets me something that is perfect for me, but I wouldn’t have thought of it myself, but we can’t expect that skill to be present in everybody nor there being enough things out there to perfectly fit everybody’s situation several times a year.
I’m so thankful my family does gifts we actually want. For example I know I’m getting flavored floss in my stocking from my husband because I needed and wanted it. I try not to buy random crap for people ever. But yes it is SO awkward to open a gift in front of the person who gave it to you! (Other than my husband and daughter)
Through my twenties my mom would always ask what I wanted for Christmas and I was always very uncomfortable with it. I love gifts when I am able to do the same for the other person. I also love receiving gifts. But in this situation, it first felt like her trying to make up and earn love from being absent during my childhood, and not exactly organic. But I also value gifts as a sign that the person is paying attention to who I am, my needs, and interests. Just asking for a list so they can check me off the holiday obligation list feels empty, and I’d rather receive nothing. This goes double for the awkward family Secret Santa and I just get a scarf from a step sibling that I barely know.
Great video! I have a mother that will say "i don't want anything for Christmas, being with you is the best gift I could receive" but will be in cold rage if she does not receive a proper gift. At least as an artist/crafter, I have always the default option of making something because what she secretely and pervertly craves is that someone makes an effort for her against any signal she can manifest, and she will never help you by saying sometimes that she wants something, except if it is excessively luxe and expensive, which did fall into my father's gifts category. But by all the gross history I had growing up with her, I can attest, it is linked to a utterly manipulative and ill psychically mind. I totally believe that most people like you that say "I don't want any gift" are truthworthy.
I feel quite similar about it. I don't like to celebrate my birthday and only use it as an excuse to invite two good friends of mine over for dinner. My family doesn't understand it, so even though I am an adult and live on myself, I will get dragged away to a (noisy) restaurant this January for my 26th birthday... My family are nice people, and I certainly don't mind going to their birthdays and giving them gifts. But for my own birthday, I just want to be left to my own devices.
Thank you for your video, I agree with you 100%. And I'd also add that for me personally there's another reason to why I love giving gifts but don't like receiving them. I take note of what my friends say and like, can read their expression quite well when they see something that they like, and therefore I know what to give them and make sure they like their gift. Naturally, I'd expect the same treatment for myself, but I can't remember many good gifts for me. I know people aren't obliged to listen to me the way I listen to them, that's not the point. The point for me is to respect someone. One of my friends once gifted me mascara, even though I hadn't worn makeup for many years. Another time, someone decided to handmade chokers for everyone in our friend group out of some velvet and crystals, and when she was making it for me, she couldn't find velvet in the colour I asked her. So she made it out of what looks to be a shoelace. So everyone would have their chokers made of velvet and I'd be the only person to have a shoelace around my neck. I personally find it disrespectful.
Shout this from the rooftops!! I sent this to my cousin who responded with “but I want to get you something”. I said “don’t. Just come to Christmas dinner”. She still insisted so I told her two things I do use and enjoy and will use up but my god, I don’t want anything
This made me laugh because it reminds me of my autistic sister. She is very much in the hate receiving gifts / feels cringe camp. She often gives a persuasive speech to me about how gift giving is entirely selfish and as someone who loves gifts it did blow my mind but I do weirdly understand it and she opens her presents in private. My mum won’t let her so I made a joke that every gift says FU from mum so I can see her trying not to laugh when she reads the tag each time. She later sent me an article about the autistic loathing for receiving gifts which probably isn’t a coincidence! She has a superpower for seeing through the bulls I take for granted every day 😂 . Great video I enjoyed your take on it and I’ll share this with my sister who will definitely be in accord haha
I am autistic as well and I love gifts but I HATE opening them in front of people. I feel like I have to perform the emotions that people are supposed to have when opening things and I tend to be fairly flat about things, or at least appear that way on the outside. It is an exhausting period of hyper masking. Now..opening them in private would be amazing.
I agree with you on feeling uneasy and uncomfortable recieving gifts, because very often it's not something I like. My family doesn't do gifts, but we go to a nice restaurant together and have a nice meal with the money instead. With my best friend we plan surprise activities instead of some physical gifts.
I am SO GLAD to see this. I don’t fully dislike getting gifts, but I don’t like getting a gift just because it’s an expectation. Mainly because if someone gives me something I don’t want and have no use for, I feel a great burden to do something with it rather than throw it away. That would be wasteful, and it’s likely someone DOES want this, that person is just not me.
My grandfather , father and I had a pact. We didn't give each other presents. The agreement was that we would find a very thoughtful christmas card (same with birthdays). Not just cheap and cheerful; something that spoke to us - or really to them. Serious, silly, sweet - just personal. And if in the process we saw something small (a pound or thereabouts) that was ok, and we never expected a return.
I'm like you!! I got given SO much flack, and got made to feel so extremely guilty because one of my family members love languages was gift giving and I said no thank you not anymore. It really wrecked me and I have felt like a horrible person since. I'm glad I'm not alone
I feel seen. ❤🙏 YT algorithm must be reading minds today! This came up as I was thinking about terrible gifts. It gets so exhausting having to declutter and rehome things that I do not like and won't use. No one ever asks me what I would like. Which would actually be a gift card to Chewy or nothing at all, TYVM! Thank you for normalizing not wanting gifts!
One year I gave each family member a single book tailored for them, with a note inside mentioning an environmental charity donation. But these felt like pretty crappy gifts compared to what they were getting me!! So I haven't done that again. I feel frustrated
A tailored book sounds like something that is a quite personal gift, so that does not sound like a crappy gift, but quite the opposite, as it shows that you put some effort into it. The monetary value of gifts should also never be a factor; just because somebady buys expensive gifts for you, does not mean that you should do the same for them.
@@CharlieTangoAlfa thank you for the encouraging reply! Maybe this year i will do just books again, with a gift card inside. I'll get my brother the official Studio Ghibli piano score, for instance
I love recieving gifts but i have to agree that unless someone really put effort into thinking about me and what id like, i often end up with another member of the hundreds of unused perfumes in my collection 😅. I think the obligation of occasions can lead to us giving each other crap. That being said, reciving gifts on occasions feels a bit more like someone telling me i matter to them, rather than being given something just for then to sace face. Even if the gift is not great, it feels nice.
I recently bought a gift for a friend "just in case" they got me a gift. I didn't want to look bad if they got me something and I didn't get them a gift 😆
I just want to be told nice things. I spend about 30 mins on everyone's cards, funneling all my feelings and gratitude for them into one bundle of words. I'm not talented with words and I don't try to be profound, I just write whatever feels right. But then when I receive cards its simply 'to x, merry christmas, from y'. At that point what is even the point in writing me a card? Feels like they only wrote it because they had to, rather than because they wanted to? This makes me feel UNloved, rather than loved. Feels like people want to prove their love to me by spending money on things I never show interest in, and then they make me feel guilty if I don't put on a happy face, they call me miserable etc. But that's how they make me feel, they make me feel like I'm playing happy families. Next Christmas I'm going to do what I want, not be a people pleaser. I'll celebrate on my own if I have to, as I just hate everyone feeling like they're entitled to decide how I should spend my time, how I should spend my money, how I should feel, and what I should want. ugh. Thanks for the video
My mother never respect my choice about gifts. I always said I just want something to eat (like some chocolates for example) or just nothing! she'll buy something more expensive. And I would feel guilty not doing the same. It's ridiculous to be in this dynamic.🤦♀️ I don't like when this day is making you obsessed about gifts. It shouldn't be that way. Happy holidays!❤💚🌟 from France
Watching this video, I had the realization that I'm not someone who loves gifts and my love language probably falls into quality time + deep conversations. The best gift someone could give me would be an invitation to get coffee and then go deep into a topic of conversation. I think this is different from the "words of affirmation" designation - I don't crave words of affirmation. However, I do want to know everything you thought about the movie we both saw, the mutual acquaintance we have, the mayor and city government, what your hobbies are and how deeply they enrich your life, your birth order and the intricacies of your relationship with your family dynamic. Whenever someone keeps me at the shallow end of their thoughts and emotions, I don't feel connected with them, even if they're someone I socialize with often.
Usually, I adore getting gifts. This year I've been on a huge decluttering journey and I'm feeling overwhelmed by stuff. Decision fatigue is real. I certainly do not want to receive stuff for Christmas this year. And . . . I have a feeling I will be less receptive to receiving things as gifts in the future.
Hello, I'm a new subscriber within the last few months and I've really enjoyed your content. It's so funny you say that about gifts as I've come to realize gift giving is at the bottom of my love languages. I enjoy receiving gifts but I generally dislike surprises. Perhaps the problem is low effort obligatory gifts. This has also been affected by my socioeconomic status. Preemployment and unemployment gift giving was so very clearly a struggle. The careful budgeting but also wanting to give a "thoughtful gift personally suited to the receiver" was a lot of pressure. This is also more invisible work and mental load that seems to fall to women the most. I can recall asking my former partner about gift ideas for his mother, he refused to shop for it himself or give me ideas but put down every single suggestion I made. Oh, did I mention I was a postpartum, breastfeeding, working mother with an infant who had been extremely sick and unemployed during my pregnancy. Thankfully my gift giving has shrunk to my household with a new partner and nearly grown son which suits me perfectly. I do hope your recovery goes well and your pain is relieved and you don't receive any gifts this year. 😊
Yes to all of this. Receiving gifts just makes me feel anxious and guilty. The whole thing makes me want to avoid participating in holidays and celebrations that would involve someone giving me a gift, but I still end up going mostly due to feelings of obligation. I like giving people gifts because I am very careful and considerate about it, but it does tax me with stress and anxiety because it takes a lot of time and there are a lot of unknowns (you never know if they truly like it or not, you don’t know how long they’ll use it before they don’t anymore, etc…). And it is so true that people do not need to give me a gift in return. My brothers and I have a great understanding on this- I have told them that I don’t want gifts unless it makes them super happy to give them (if they wanted to ask me if I’ve had my eye on anything in particular, if they happened to find something special they knew I would love without having gone out of their way, or if they think of something we could do/enjoy together, etc…). I always get them gifts because it makes me happy, they are always 100% honest with me if they do not like something, and I never feel negatively when they don’t get me something in return (I actually feel happy and relieved because they respect my wishes).
I'm very into gift giving, I think and listen a lot to what people want and really try to go after it. On my end, I also love gifts. But I'm also very specific about what I want and I don't think people like that. They want a bit of freedom in their choice of something I want. Rather than just gifting the specific thing I ask for. I'm also anti 'saving face gifts' cause it's a waste. You just gave me something to hold on to that I never wanted. It's best to just have gotten me nothing. It's one less piece of something I have to hold on to out of guilt.
I used to have a similar problem with gifts. I love giving presents now that are more about an event but I ususally give them either as the physical ticket if possible or a nicely written card with a bow and, maybe, homemade cookies or my absolute favourite brand of ginger bread or a fancy pack of beef jerkey or wine or something that I know the other person enjoys so the present will feel like a physical thing (to me), but can be consumed and/or experienced so that it doesn't actually remain in their homes. edit: that only works if my people do not explicitly tell me they don't want anything - it's more a thing of me not wanting to burden people who actually like getting gifts with a physical object
My teacher partner and I both sighed happily in relief when we didn't get each other things. Neither of us like to receive gifts. We hadn't discussed it, and it was a happy moment for both of us. We'd both rather hang out together instead!
I am a person who loves giving gifts and while I don't have a person in my family or circle of friends who never wants anything, sometimes a person just doesn't know what I should get them. In this case, I get them a nice card (just so I have something physical to give them) with an invitation to a nice restaurant or somewhere else where I know they like to go. This is a good compomise, in my opinion.
Beautifully worded. Though I feel like it stopped being about love long time ago and there's only this hollow capitalist obligation left. As someone whose love language is actually gift receiving - I don't like to get anything for my birthday, or christmas or any other time where it's not random act of love. It feels very uncomfortable, like you said - it's about their need to recompensate for their own feelings about societal pressure. Very ew.
It feels like there are lots of expectations on how others should give their gifts to us, we feel slighted if we perceive their gift does not measure up to the time and effort we spend choosing a "perfect" gift. Maybe we can feel gratitude for their efforts? "Is there a way to receive with grace and generosity? The practice of true generosity is rare; it is an exchange in which both giver and receiver are enriched. In the Tibetan tradition, the custom of exchanging ceremonial scarves, or khatas, perfectly evokes this spirit of giving and receiving freely."
I have a hard time parting with items, especially if they were gifts so unless it's something very specialized to my specific interests I really would rather someone did not give me another 'thing.'
My family have finally admitted to one-another that giving stuff for the sake of it is just cluttering our homes. We are fortunate enough to have everything we would reasonably need or want, at least anything that could potentially be given as a small Christmas gift. It's so nice to not have to worry and just focus on what is important for us at Christmas - good times with friends and family.
I remember seeing a meme about the difference between northern European and southern European cultures and offering food to guests. Basically the meme said that northern Europe doesn't offer food to guests because in history the laws of hospitality required hosts to offer food, but the guests were in indebted to the hosts for their hospitality. Because most people don't like becoming debtors whenever they leave the house this practice of offering food or a place to stay died in northern Europe. I really wonder if the practice of giving gifts around Christmas has a similar cultural history. Obviously, the history of giving gifts around Christmas is deeply rooted in Christianity. But I wonder if there's a southern European or Levantine Christian origin instead of northern European. Not trying to start an argument about cultural differences. I really hate giving and getting gifts and this thought runs through my mind every Christmas. Edit: I forgot to mention that I have no idea if the meme is true or historically inaccurate. Gifts make me remember this meme anyway.
Very interesting and well-formulated. The urge the reciprocate gifts is older out of fear of indebtedness is older than capitalism though. It is as old as the notion of ownership, which is related to capitalism, but not quite the same.
OMG I'VE NEVER FELT MORE SEEN!! I've always said this to my friends but for DECADES they did not believe me. Until I made it clear one day and they finally understood (that was after like 15 years of friendship, so you know). Thankfully, my partner and I aren't gift givers. We have similar love languages, focusing more on quality time and physical touch (although probably in different orders). We don't give gifts for our birthdays and anniversaries, focusing instead on meaningful experiences and deep talks whenever we have the chance. I can't tell you how liberating that feels!
Wow, fascinating and fun as always. I like getting and giving gifts. so glad that I watched , definitely going to be conscious when somebody says they don't want one that they really don't want one, and that's okay. Thank You❤ Have a lovely day ❤️
I HATE receiving gifts beyond words. The best I can realistically hope for is a gift card for something universally useful, but usually people give me junk I'll never use
This is a very complex social problem, and yet again, the best solution may be to surround yourself with people who are like-minded. Which is not always possible because of family and stuff, so duh.
You sounded fine. My solution after telling someone not to get me a gift but yet they insist, list off unreasonably expensive things I want and the tell them I already buy myself the things I want and need.
As i understand it, "a gift demands a gift" far predates capitalism; David Graeber argued that early human economies tended to be gift economies. But that worked because the gifts were asynchronous: i gift shoes to you when you need shoes, you gift prepared meals to me when I'm depressed and can't cook. Capitalism's f'd up contribution was the idea that to be indebted is horrific, so the gift must be returned IMMEDIATELY, rather than allowing that small debt to remain as a social tie (& by the time it's returned, there will be other owed gifts maintaining community ties). Anyway: highly recommend his book "Debt: the First 5000 Years". & Loved your observations on people who won't just let us not-gift people be different! 👏
I hate receiving gifts since I love budgeting and buy myself gifts when I reach my financial goals. I don't want other people to interfere with my game. 😂 I don't buy gifts either, only to my daughter and sometimes mum and dad, but they have NEVER bought me anything for my birthday and for Christmas since I was 6-7. With my partner we gift ourselves money to SPEND on a private weekend away or experiences extra to our usual "pleasure/restaurant/travel" budget.
I made it quite clear to my loved ones that I don't want gifts but I do love receiving a card but made it clear also that I don't expect one and it's not 'obligatory'. When I do receive one I notice it's a well thought out card, I love cards, always have.
it helps to remember that love languages are a concept developed by a white baptist pastor in the early 90s as a means of describing they dynamics of the relationships he saw around him; they are not actually some true or immutable human trait, and at best only open a conversation to how we can demonstrate our care for others and how we prefer to receive affection.
I completely agree Cinzia. I'm one of those that would rather not receive any gifts. But particularly with my in laws, I haven't had the courage to tell them that I don't want any gifts since it's so engrained in their Christmas and birthday traditions to do gifts that I just don't know what to say. So year after year I receive things that I don't want at all nor need and they eventually get tossed when next year's Christmas comes around to make room for more unwanted things. Capitalism at its finest and much of it my own fault :/
People buy me pens but it's always novelty pens .... which I hate!!!! I love giving gifts though....mind you, I make a lot of the gifts I give . Love your channel Cinzia. Xx
I'd rather give cash if/when I ever can. Not only can people buy what they want, you never know if people are in a bad way and how grateful they are with a 20 and how much of a help that can be in tough times.
I don't do excitement very well, so, my son understands this, so when I respond quite monotone, it's real, I'm acknowledging it, I just don't know how to seem more excited. So when getting gifts, I look so strange I think, like I don't enjoy it or something. I like getting gifts one on one, during Christmas when my parents were alive, I would wait until everyone else was done, so that my dad could see me opening them. I'm honestly just rambling. [Solo]
I hate being given things. When I was a kid I was spoiled rotten and it's led me to hoping people will give me stuff which makes me feel guilty. I feel like all I want out of relationships is to get something from others so to combat this I don't let anyone do anything nice for me. On top of that my aunt was a very manipulative person and I can sense that sometimes I'm doing or saying things in hopes it will lead to me getting things so I double-down on not letting people do nice things for me. Even when I know for certain I'm not expecting or wanting anything from anyone and doing things for them in a sincere manner (which is most of the time) I feel guilty when they do nice things for me in return. I feel like I don't deserve nice things both because of all that and due to my shitty self-esteem. It's led to people close to me feeling they can't give me things and so they don't and I end up feeling sad. I do like gifts. I just wish I felt I deserved them and didn't feel so guilty about it.
I love this video. My own solution to this problem though is that I deliberately avoid buying myself stuff, so that other people can buy it as a gift for me. Free stuff is fine by me. Also, I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with capitalism. Reciprocity is a human cultural universal, and that does almost always turn into gifts being an imposition of debt on others.
I like gifts, but it is getting harder for me to give gift ideas, because most of what I want (books and manga), I buy myself throughout the year, so by the time the holidays come around, I have it all already lol.
i wish christmas was like that here, in my country i only expect gifts from my parents (just one) and that's it. mine will probably be a book or something this year.
As an only child, I’d rather do something together where we could spend time together. That’s my love language, spending quality time together. I’m grown and can buy my own whatnots.
i like receiving genuine gifts, not bc of some holiday, but bc the person genuinely wanted to (and wont shove it to my face after a petty argument lol im traumatized), i also like giving genuine gifts
All one would presumably need to do is tell everyone in your life you don’t want any gifts and you’re not participating in gifts. And move on 🤷♀️ maybe enjoy each others time instead.
I totally understand It makes you feel ... A burden to give back as well. If you spent $20 from me and I didn't get you a $20 gift now I'm seen as ungiving and selfish . I just want to give and get from my. Husband and kids For holidays I prefer to hang out with my friends . Qualify time love language .
That compulsion to repay value for value does not come from capitalism. IT has existed everywhere, from feudal Japan to African tribal peoples. If anything, capitalism mitigates its effects by creating material abundance. We can compartmentalize it to ceremonial or seasonal events.
Yeah, well, this one is not entirely on capitalism. I can't explain it properly, but I learned a bit about it in anthropology + in a book by an Indiginous person. Indiginous cultures think about gifts in terms of reciprocity. Direct quote from Braiding Sweetgrass: "From the viewpoint of a private property economy, the “gift” is deemed to be “free” because we obtain it free of charge, at no cost. But in the gift economy, gifts are not free. The essence of the gift is that it creates a set of relationships. The currency of a gift economy is, at its root, reciprocity. In Western thinking, private land is understood to be a “bundle of rights,” whereas in a gift economy property has a “bundle of responsibilities” attached."
I don’t mind gifts, I prefer hanging out (quality time). If you do happen to find something that you think I might like, I always appreciate the thought. And it makes it less anxiety provoking if you don’t wrap it, I know it sounds weird but I’m happy if you give me the book you got me in the Barnes and noble bag. Lol
My husband and I have a rule: no obligatory gifting. Ever. No holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries. We do _Just Becauses_ when we see something that we makes us think of someone and we think they'd like it. It's been 19 years and 10/10 would recommend!
I get serious ick from gifts given because the calendar says that's what we're supposed to do.
Love it!
Me and my close friends regularly walked by this antique store next to the cafe we used to always hang out. There, in the window, was a small oil painting that my friend told me she liked very much. The next time we walked by the store the painting was gone, and my friend was sad that it wasn't there anymore. On her birthday she was very moved when she found out that I had bought it for her. The gifts we give each other are always things that the other really loves. Probably because we've known each other for 35 years. Also, she's an ex-girlfriend of mine from 30 years ago and we still remain best friends.
looks like you love her!! 😊 thats cute
I'm with you. I don't like receiving gifts either.
My friend last year gave me a bag with some used books (loved that!), chocolates, and literal 1/2 used 25 year old nail polishes. She is an unconventional lady and the nail polishes were such an odd gift that they still amuse me. I laugh every time I think of them and that is one of the BEST gifts ever.
😍
Does this count as a gift? 😜💛
This brought me an insight onto why christmas has been so uncomfortable for me at times since my early teens. I am obviously grateful when a relative gives me a present, but most of the times I'm left feeling decieved and misunderstood, as if they had got me the present because they are supposed to.... which is probably what happens. I can't think of anything I've received from my family that has felt as if they had put heart, thought and/or effort on it in like 7 years (I'm 19 y/o now and I dont blame them, we have been through the thick and thin and especially my mother has gone thorugh serious hardships, but still). I love making stuff whether it is food or crafts and giving it away to my friends and family, and I dont think that getting that as a birthday or christmas gift would bother me at all, whatsmore, I would be the happiest person ever.
The way I clicked on the link when I saw the title. SAME. I'm so tired of dealing with gifts, they are seldom truly needed or useful as I am fortunate to be able to afford to buy them myself. People assume I say I don't want anything because I am humble or polite. I'm going to have to start biting people when they ask what I want. A friend decided to settle for edible/drinkable gifts for me only, so I at least can consume and be done with them. I still don't want anything but at least what she buys me no longer clutters my flat anymore.
Hello there cinzia, that was a very interesting analogy from your perspective, because I am the total opposite. I really enjoy gift receiving, but my family and friends never celebrated anything (including Christmas and my birthday), so actually I never received any gifts at all (maybe in my childhood). Every time that there is something to be celebrated, I actually go out to buy gifts for myself, because I am tired of waiting for someone to give me something and it always end up as nothing. I find it fascinating that different people have different experiences, and we often find ourselves in opposite situations that we wish to be in. Happy holidays in advance!
Not only do I hate the act of receiving gifts but I also have loads of anxiety about the money spent(wasted) the wrapping/packaging in land fills, the panic of what to do with unwanted gifts. I wind up hoarding everything from tissue paper to bags, to ribbons just to reuse them which takes up a lot of room in my tiny home. I always have supplies to give the obligatory gifts though. Some gift tags I have had for 35 years and every Christmas I go through them and admire how lovely they are but I cant throw them away or have more use for them.
Merry & well wishes dear Cinzia. This was a great topic. I’m one to enjoy time together exploring places instead of gifts. If someone absolutely insists then buying an admission ticket to an event, a historic site, museum etc is my go to. It’s even better when the person wants to attend with me :) My husband and I never get each other holiday gifts we just find something like that to do and enjoy our time. That way the holidays aren’t stressful because honestly they shouldn’t be.♥️
OMG, I thought I was the only one feeling that way. Thanks for putting this out. It’s very comforting to know we’re not alone and it’s ok to be and feel this way.
I think the love styles argument has some force. I wouldn't say I never like receiving gifts but I hate receiving gifts which make me wonder why the giver thought I would like it. I often wonder if the person knows me at all based on some presents I have received and that feeling induces another sort of guilt because you 'aren't allowed' to not be grateful for a gift, however ill thought out.
The thing that is difficult is when gift giving is the big love language of someone and they can't easily understand other perspectives around receiving gifts. This can be such a touchy subject and it's difficult to communicate what you don't want without seeming ungrateful and rude.
I have parents who have a strong need to provide whether it be food or presents. Last Christmas one parent basically said "I need you to have multiple presents to open from me" and that is nice when it is things I've asked for or use but it's uncomfortable when it's just there to be a gift or something to change me as a person. I hate being told what I want is too boring/simple to buy for me. Yes nice earplugs are boring, I don't care, I will use it and appreciate it.
I struggle with keeping organized and decluttering, and unwanted gifts make both of these harder. I feel so much guilt in getting rid of gifts especially when my parents make me feel bad for not keeping stuff they got me. I basically have to actively say no don't buy me clothes without me trying them on and specifically saying I want it. I hate being body shamed for not fitting a piece of clothing I didn't ask for and not wanting to buy clothes that don't fit. Before I took this stance I've received so many shoes I've been badgered into being gifted, obligated into wearing and ended up with my feet being bruised, blistered, crushed toes and painful corns/calluses. No more.
My family’s Christmas gift giving is a circus and always makes me feel terrible. I can never afford to give gifts and I always get a pile of them. I asked my mom this year to make my Christmas very small.
I love presents, I'm not very keen on surprises tough. In my family we usually gift books to one another and we generally pick our own for the other to give us.
great video. I personally don't even like giving gifts, for financial reasons and also cause I don't think there's anything I can buy that's not gonna be clutter
As a recovered guilty gift giver, I really appreciated everything you had to say. Very true!
I do love the Christmas display, the Christmas tree with twinkling lights and presents piled beneath and all that sensory overload. I also love your idea that we should celebrate the season they way we want to and even create different Christmas traditions. I knew someone along time ago who once a year, would take a day and listen to all his Elvis records! For him, it wasn't on Christmas but he did do it religiously !
We haven’t exchanged gifts for years and Christmas isn’t diminished in the slightest. I want for nothing and prefer nothing to stuff I don’t want, need or like cluttering up my space … headspace, too! Excellent post, thank you.
I've told both of my adult children that I don't want anything; not for Christmas, not for my birthday, Mother's Day, etc. I've said that if you feel you absolutely must; give me a gift card for a grocery store, or restaurant. I'm trying to downsize my possessions and I have all of the clothes, shoes, jewelry, books, household items, and so forth, that I will ever need.
Cheers for actually communicating with people about their preferences vs societal assumptions. Very much support the giving to a charity of the loved one/friend's choosing worked this out with a coworker and family member. Much rather support that then passing around more gifts. Thank you Cinzia and hope you are having a peaceful December.
I hate receiving and giving gifts. I just want to be left out of the whole thing. I don't even have anyone that I spend enough time with to even know what they would want, yet I'm still expected to buy gifts for people at Christmas, and they are expected to magically know what I want. We all live far from each other so these holidays are the only time we see each other anyway.
My honors paper for my major was around the power dynamics of gifting and this was a really great video to watch! There’s an anthropological position that the indebtedness of the person receiving the gift was even stronger before capitalism because gifts of meaning were harder to make or procure, esp in smaller communities with very strong social institutions like the Polynesian diaspora :)
Your point about love languages is so spot on-I used to give one friend a coupon for an activity instead of a gift because she really didn’t like receiving physical gifts, something like “This Coupon Entitles the Bearer to Panda Express Lunchdate” (one of our go-to lunch spots in high school), or something like that, they could “cash it in” at the time of their choosing and it was always an activity we shared and connected during-as a gift-giver I try to make sure that my generosity isn’t the point of the exchange and try to give to people in ways that will actually make them happy and not just because I really want to show them they are valued and cherished
Great topic, love the length of the video-rooting for you and hoping your mouth feels better soon! 💛
Most of the time I feel this way, specially on my birthday, which was this Novermber btw. Most of the times I truly mean it when I say I don't know what I want to get, either because I already have the thing I wanted or because there is really nothing new I want at the moment.
When I do give in and say something such as you said, small and/or consumable like indeed soaps (which I do like), or worse when I say something they don't consider special enough to count as a gift like a book or something fairly cheap (crochet yarn), they act offened. Why? If I don't mind that it's something inexpensive or "not special enough" why should you? If that's what I said I wanted I will like it as it.
Most of the time they do end up giving me extra stuff or buying a more expensive version of the thing I said I wanted.
Thank you for saying this. Being like this my whole life, it's so frustrating as people don't want to listen and don't understand.
So much yes! (Except for the fact that I love wrapping, too. :D) Also, I don’t get that gift giving culture when it comes to grown-ups who earn their own money. It makes sense to buy stuff for children and teens, but when you have your own money, you just get what you want or need. Gift giving among adults only makes sense to me when someone gets me something that is perfect for me, but I wouldn’t have thought of it myself, but we can’t expect that skill to be present in everybody nor there being enough things out there to perfectly fit everybody’s situation several times a year.
I buy adults consumables and groceries!
I’m so thankful my family does gifts we actually want. For example I know I’m getting flavored floss in my stocking from my husband because I needed and wanted it.
I try not to buy random crap for people ever.
But yes it is SO awkward to open a gift in front of the person who gave it to you! (Other than my husband and daughter)
Through my twenties my mom would always ask what I wanted for Christmas and I was always very uncomfortable with it. I love gifts when I am able to do the same for the other person. I also love receiving gifts. But in this situation, it first felt like her trying to make up and earn love from being absent during my childhood, and not exactly organic. But I also value gifts as a sign that the person is paying attention to who I am, my needs, and interests. Just asking for a list so they can check me off the holiday obligation list feels empty, and I’d rather receive nothing. This goes double for the awkward family Secret Santa and I just get a scarf from a step sibling that I barely know.
Great video! I have a mother that will say "i don't want anything for Christmas, being with you is the best gift I could receive" but will be in cold rage if she does not receive a proper gift. At least as an artist/crafter, I have always the default option of making something because what she secretely and pervertly craves is that someone makes an effort for her against any signal she can manifest, and she will never help you by saying sometimes that she wants something, except if it is excessively luxe and expensive, which did fall into my father's gifts category. But by all the gross history I had growing up with her, I can attest, it is linked to a utterly manipulative and ill psychically mind. I totally believe that most people like you that say "I don't want any gift" are truthworthy.
I feel quite similar about it. I don't like to celebrate my birthday and only use it as an excuse to invite two good friends of mine over for dinner. My family doesn't understand it, so even though I am an adult and live on myself, I will get dragged away to a (noisy) restaurant this January for my 26th birthday...
My family are nice people, and I certainly don't mind going to their birthdays and giving them gifts. But for my own birthday, I just want to be left to my own devices.
I love this. You’ve verbalised what’s been in my head for decades. I thought I was alone in this ❤️
Thank you for your video, I agree with you 100%. And I'd also add that for me personally there's another reason to why I love giving gifts but don't like receiving them. I take note of what my friends say and like, can read their expression quite well when they see something that they like, and therefore I know what to give them and make sure they like their gift. Naturally, I'd expect the same treatment for myself, but I can't remember many good gifts for me. I know people aren't obliged to listen to me the way I listen to them, that's not the point. The point for me is to respect someone. One of my friends once gifted me mascara, even though I hadn't worn makeup for many years. Another time, someone decided to handmade chokers for everyone in our friend group out of some velvet and crystals, and when she was making it for me, she couldn't find velvet in the colour I asked her. So she made it out of what looks to be a shoelace. So everyone would have their chokers made of velvet and I'd be the only person to have a shoelace around my neck. I personally find it disrespectful.
Thank you so so much for this fascinating gift video Cinzia! Tbh all I wanted this year was a new Cinzia video and here it is! 🙆♀️
Shout this from the rooftops!! I sent this to my cousin who responded with “but I want to get you something”. I said “don’t. Just come to Christmas dinner”. She still insisted so I told her two things I do use and enjoy and will use up but my god, I don’t want anything
This made me laugh because it reminds me of my autistic sister. She is very much in the hate receiving gifts / feels cringe camp. She often gives a persuasive speech to me about how gift giving is entirely selfish and as someone who loves gifts it did blow my mind but I do weirdly understand it and she opens her presents in private. My mum won’t let her so I made a joke that every gift says FU from mum so I can see her trying not to laugh when she reads the tag each time. She later sent me an article about the autistic loathing for receiving gifts which probably isn’t a coincidence! She has a superpower for seeing through the bulls I take for granted every day 😂 . Great video I enjoyed your take on it and I’ll share this with my sister who will definitely be in accord haha
SAME WITH MY SISTER!!!!
I am autistic as well and I love gifts but I HATE opening them in front of people. I feel like I have to perform the emotions that people are supposed to have when opening things and I tend to be fairly flat about things, or at least appear that way on the outside. It is an exhausting period of hyper masking. Now..opening them in private would be amazing.
Also..your sister sounds awesome.
I agree with you on feeling uneasy and uncomfortable recieving gifts, because very often it's not something I like.
My family doesn't do gifts, but we go to a nice restaurant together and have a nice meal with the money instead.
With my best friend we plan surprise activities instead of some physical gifts.
I am SO GLAD to see this. I don’t fully dislike getting gifts, but I don’t like getting a gift just because it’s an expectation. Mainly because if someone gives me something I don’t want and have no use for, I feel a great burden to do something with it rather than throw it away. That would be wasteful, and it’s likely someone DOES want this, that person is just not me.
Get better Cinzia. I just want relax and enjoy being around family. I hope you get people listening and respecting your wishes.
My grandfather , father and I had a pact. We didn't give each other presents. The agreement was that we would find a very thoughtful christmas card (same with birthdays). Not just cheap and cheerful; something that spoke to us - or really to them. Serious, silly, sweet - just personal. And if in the process we saw something small (a pound or thereabouts) that was ok, and we never expected a return.
Oh my word I feel so seen...I love this video and how you put the feeling into words 😭🫶💕
I'm like you!! I got given SO much flack, and got made to feel so extremely guilty because one of my family members love languages was gift giving and I said no thank you not anymore. It really wrecked me and I have felt like a horrible person since. I'm glad I'm not alone
I feel seen. ❤🙏
YT algorithm must be reading minds today! This came up as I was thinking about terrible gifts. It gets so exhausting having to declutter and rehome things that I do not like and won't use. No one ever asks me what I would like. Which would actually be a gift card to Chewy or nothing at all, TYVM! Thank you for normalizing not wanting gifts!
One year I gave each family member a single book tailored for them, with a note inside mentioning an environmental charity donation. But these felt like pretty crappy gifts compared to what they were getting me!! So I haven't done that again. I feel frustrated
A tailored book sounds like something that is a quite personal gift, so that does not sound like a crappy gift, but quite the opposite, as it shows that you put some effort into it.
The monetary value of gifts should also never be a factor; just because somebady buys expensive gifts for you, does not mean that you should do the same for them.
Dude I'd love that gift
@@CharlieTangoAlfa thank you for the encouraging reply! Maybe this year i will do just books again, with a gift card inside. I'll get my brother the official Studio Ghibli piano score, for instance
I love recieving gifts but i have to agree that unless someone really put effort into thinking about me and what id like, i often end up with another member of the hundreds of unused perfumes in my collection 😅. I think the obligation of occasions can lead to us giving each other crap. That being said, reciving gifts on occasions feels a bit more like someone telling me i matter to them, rather than being given something just for then to sace face. Even if the gift is not great, it feels nice.
I recently bought a gift for a friend "just in case" they got me a gift. I didn't want to look bad if they got me something and I didn't get them a gift 😆
I just want to be told nice things. I spend about 30 mins on everyone's cards, funneling all my feelings and gratitude for them into one bundle of words. I'm not talented with words and I don't try to be profound, I just write whatever feels right. But then when I receive cards its simply 'to x, merry christmas, from y'. At that point what is even the point in writing me a card? Feels like they only wrote it because they had to, rather than because they wanted to? This makes me feel UNloved, rather than loved. Feels like people want to prove their love to me by spending money on things I never show interest in, and then they make me feel guilty if I don't put on a happy face, they call me miserable etc. But that's how they make me feel, they make me feel like I'm playing happy families.
Next Christmas I'm going to do what I want, not be a people pleaser. I'll celebrate on my own if I have to, as I just hate everyone feeling like they're entitled to decide how I should spend my time, how I should spend my money, how I should feel, and what I should want. ugh.
Thanks for the video
My mother never respect my choice about gifts. I always said I just want something to eat (like some chocolates for example) or just nothing! she'll buy something more expensive. And I would feel guilty not doing the same. It's ridiculous to be in this dynamic.🤦♀️
I don't like when this day is making you obsessed about gifts. It shouldn't be that way.
Happy holidays!❤💚🌟 from France
Watching this video, I had the realization that I'm not someone who loves gifts and my love language probably falls into quality time + deep conversations. The best gift someone could give me would be an invitation to get coffee and then go deep into a topic of conversation. I think this is different from the "words of affirmation" designation - I don't crave words of affirmation. However, I do want to know everything you thought about the movie we both saw, the mutual acquaintance we have, the mayor and city government, what your hobbies are and how deeply they enrich your life, your birth order and the intricacies of your relationship with your family dynamic. Whenever someone keeps me at the shallow end of their thoughts and emotions, I don't feel connected with them, even if they're someone I socialize with often.
Usually, I adore getting gifts. This year I've been on a huge decluttering journey and I'm feeling overwhelmed by stuff. Decision fatigue is real. I certainly do not want to receive stuff for Christmas this year. And . . . I have a feeling I will be less receptive to receiving things as gifts in the future.
Hello, I'm a new subscriber within the last few months and I've really enjoyed your content.
It's so funny you say that about gifts as I've come to realize gift giving is at the bottom of my love languages. I enjoy receiving gifts but I generally dislike surprises.
Perhaps the problem is low effort obligatory gifts. This has also been affected by my socioeconomic status. Preemployment and unemployment gift giving was so very clearly a struggle. The careful budgeting but also wanting to give a "thoughtful gift personally suited to the receiver" was a lot of pressure.
This is also more invisible work and mental load that seems to fall to women the most. I can recall asking my former partner about gift ideas for his mother, he refused to shop for it himself or give me ideas but put down every single suggestion I made. Oh, did I mention I was a postpartum, breastfeeding, working mother with an infant who had been extremely sick and unemployed during my pregnancy.
Thankfully my gift giving has shrunk to my household with a new partner and nearly grown son which suits me perfectly.
I do hope your recovery goes well and your pain is relieved and you don't receive any gifts this year. 😊
Yes to all of this. Receiving gifts just makes me feel anxious and guilty. The whole thing makes me want to avoid participating in holidays and celebrations that would involve someone giving me a gift, but I still end up going mostly due to feelings of obligation. I like giving people gifts because I am very careful and considerate about it, but it does tax me with stress and anxiety because it takes a lot of time and there are a lot of unknowns (you never know if they truly like it or not, you don’t know how long they’ll use it before they don’t anymore, etc…). And it is so true that people do not need to give me a gift in return. My brothers and I have a great understanding on this- I have told them that I don’t want gifts unless it makes them super happy to give them (if they wanted to ask me if I’ve had my eye on anything in particular, if they happened to find something special they knew I would love without having gone out of their way, or if they think of something we could do/enjoy together, etc…). I always get them gifts because it makes me happy, they are always 100% honest with me if they do not like something, and I never feel negatively when they don’t get me something in return (I actually feel happy and relieved because they respect my wishes).
I'm very into gift giving, I think and listen a lot to what people want and really try to go after it.
On my end, I also love gifts. But I'm also very specific about what I want and I don't think people like that. They want a bit of freedom in their choice of something I want. Rather than just gifting the specific thing I ask for.
I'm also anti 'saving face gifts' cause it's a waste. You just gave me something to hold on to that I never wanted. It's best to just have gotten me nothing. It's one less piece of something I have to hold on to out of guilt.
I'm the same.
I used to have a similar problem with gifts. I love giving presents now that are more about an event but I ususally give them either as the physical ticket if possible or a nicely written card with a bow and, maybe, homemade cookies or my absolute favourite brand of ginger bread or a fancy pack of beef jerkey or wine or something that I know the other person enjoys so the present will feel like a physical thing (to me), but can be consumed and/or experienced so that it doesn't actually remain in their homes.
edit: that only works if my people do not explicitly tell me they don't want anything - it's more a thing of me not wanting to burden people who actually like getting gifts with a physical object
My teacher partner and I both sighed happily in relief when we didn't get each other things. Neither of us like to receive gifts. We hadn't discussed it, and it was a happy moment for both of us. We'd both rather hang out together instead!
Hope you are feeling better!
I am a person who loves giving gifts and while I don't have a person in my family or circle of friends who never wants anything, sometimes a person just doesn't know what I should get them. In this case, I get them a nice card (just so I have something physical to give them) with an invitation to a nice restaurant or somewhere else where I know they like to go. This is a good compomise, in my opinion.
Beautifully worded. Though I feel like it stopped being about love long time ago and there's only this hollow capitalist obligation left. As someone whose love language is actually gift receiving - I don't like to get anything for my birthday, or christmas or any other time where it's not random act of love. It feels very uncomfortable, like you said - it's about their need to recompensate for their own feelings about societal pressure. Very ew.
It feels like there are lots of expectations on how others should give their gifts to us, we feel slighted if we perceive their gift does not measure up to the time and effort we spend choosing a "perfect" gift. Maybe we can feel gratitude for their efforts? "Is there a way to receive with grace and generosity? The practice of true generosity is rare; it is an exchange in which both giver and receiver are enriched. In the Tibetan tradition, the custom of exchanging ceremonial scarves, or khatas, perfectly evokes this spirit of giving and receiving freely."
I have a hard time parting with items, especially if they were gifts so unless it's something very specialized to my specific interests I really would rather someone did not give me another 'thing.'
My family have finally admitted to one-another that giving stuff for the sake of it is just cluttering our homes. We are fortunate enough to have everything we would reasonably need or want, at least anything that could potentially be given as a small Christmas gift. It's so nice to not have to worry and just focus on what is important for us at Christmas - good times with friends and family.
I remember seeing a meme about the difference between northern European and southern European cultures and offering food to guests. Basically the meme said that northern Europe doesn't offer food to guests because in history the laws of hospitality required hosts to offer food, but the guests were in indebted to the hosts for their hospitality. Because most people don't like becoming debtors whenever they leave the house this practice of offering food or a place to stay died in northern Europe. I really wonder if the practice of giving gifts around Christmas has a similar cultural history. Obviously, the history of giving gifts around Christmas is deeply rooted in Christianity. But I wonder if there's a southern European or Levantine Christian origin instead of northern European.
Not trying to start an argument about cultural differences. I really hate giving and getting gifts and this thought runs through my mind every Christmas.
Edit: I forgot to mention that I have no idea if the meme is true or historically inaccurate. Gifts make me remember this meme anyway.
Very interesting and well-formulated.
The urge the reciprocate gifts is older out of fear of indebtedness is older than capitalism though. It is as old as the notion of ownership, which is related to capitalism, but not quite the same.
OMG I'VE NEVER FELT MORE SEEN!! I've always said this to my friends but for DECADES they did not believe me. Until I made it clear one day and they finally understood (that was after like 15 years of friendship, so you know). Thankfully, my partner and I aren't gift givers. We have similar love languages, focusing more on quality time and physical touch (although probably in different orders). We don't give gifts for our birthdays and anniversaries, focusing instead on meaningful experiences and deep talks whenever we have the chance. I can't tell you how liberating that feels!
Wow, fascinating and fun as always. I like getting and giving gifts. so glad that I watched , definitely going to be conscious when somebody says they don't want one that they really don't want one, and that's okay. Thank You❤ Have a lovely day ❤️
I HATE receiving gifts beyond words. The best I can realistically hope for is a gift card for something universally useful, but usually people give me junk I'll never use
Ohh I canrelate so much!! Thank you once more Cinzia
This is a very complex social problem, and yet again, the best solution may be to surround yourself with people who are like-minded.
Which is not always possible because of family and stuff, so duh.
You sounded fine. My solution after telling someone not to get me a gift but yet they insist, list off unreasonably expensive things I want and the tell them I already buy myself the things I want and need.
As i understand it, "a gift demands a gift" far predates capitalism; David Graeber argued that early human economies tended to be gift economies. But that worked because the gifts were asynchronous: i gift shoes to you when you need shoes, you gift prepared meals to me when I'm depressed and can't cook.
Capitalism's f'd up contribution was the idea that to be indebted is horrific, so the gift must be returned IMMEDIATELY, rather than allowing that small debt to remain as a social tie (& by the time it's returned, there will be other owed gifts maintaining community ties).
Anyway: highly recommend his book "Debt: the First 5000 Years". & Loved your observations on people who won't just let us not-gift people be different! 👏
I hate receiving gifts since I love budgeting and buy myself gifts when I reach my financial goals. I don't want other people to interfere with my game. 😂 I don't buy gifts either, only to my daughter and sometimes mum and dad, but they have NEVER bought me anything for my birthday and for Christmas since I was 6-7. With my partner we gift ourselves money to SPEND on a private weekend away or experiences extra to our usual "pleasure/restaurant/travel" budget.
I made it quite clear to my loved ones that I don't want gifts but I do love receiving a card but made it clear also that I don't expect one and it's not 'obligatory'. When I do receive one I notice it's a well thought out card, I love cards, always have.
it helps to remember that love languages are a concept developed by a white baptist pastor in the early 90s as a means of describing they dynamics of the relationships he saw around him; they are not actually some true or immutable human trait, and at best only open a conversation to how we can demonstrate our care for others and how we prefer to receive affection.
I completely agree Cinzia. I'm one of those that would rather not receive any gifts. But particularly with my in laws, I haven't had the courage to tell them that I don't want any gifts since it's so engrained in their Christmas and birthday traditions to do gifts that I just don't know what to say. So year after year I receive things that I don't want at all nor need and they eventually get tossed when next year's Christmas comes around to make room for more unwanted things. Capitalism at its finest and much of it my own fault :/
What a great topic. Thank you!
People buy me pens but it's always novelty pens .... which I hate!!!!
I love giving gifts though....mind you, I make a lot of the gifts I give .
Love your channel Cinzia. Xx
I'd rather give cash if/when I ever can.
Not only can people buy what they want, you never know if people are in a bad way and how grateful they are with a 20 and how much of a help that can be in tough times.
Omg so lovely to find someone like myself! Thanks for sharing
You sound fine, and I wish you a speedy recovery!
I don't do excitement very well, so, my son understands this, so when I respond quite monotone, it's real, I'm acknowledging it, I just don't know how to seem more excited.
So when getting gifts, I look so strange I think, like I don't enjoy it or something.
I like getting gifts one on one, during Christmas when my parents were alive, I would wait until everyone else was done, so that my dad could see me opening them.
I'm honestly just rambling.
[Solo]
I hate being given things. When I was a kid I was spoiled rotten and it's led me to hoping people will give me stuff which makes me feel guilty. I feel like all I want out of relationships is to get something from others so to combat this I don't let anyone do anything nice for me. On top of that my aunt was a very manipulative person and I can sense that sometimes I'm doing or saying things in hopes it will lead to me getting things so I double-down on not letting people do nice things for me. Even when I know for certain I'm not expecting or wanting anything from anyone and doing things for them in a sincere manner (which is most of the time) I feel guilty when they do nice things for me in return.
I feel like I don't deserve nice things both because of all that and due to my shitty self-esteem. It's led to people close to me feeling they can't give me things and so they don't and I end up feeling sad. I do like gifts. I just wish I felt I deserved them and didn't feel so guilty about it.
I really dislike the love language theory. It lacks all the nuances of human preferences in an intersocial relationship and I think that is dangerous.
I love this video. My own solution to this problem though is that I deliberately avoid buying myself stuff, so that other people can buy it as a gift for me. Free stuff is fine by me.
Also, I don't think this has anything whatsoever to do with capitalism. Reciprocity is a human cultural universal, and that does almost always turn into gifts being an imposition of debt on others.
I like gifts, but it is getting harder for me to give gift ideas, because most of what I want (books and manga), I buy myself throughout the year, so by the time the holidays come around, I have it all already lol.
i wish christmas was like that here, in my country i only expect gifts from my parents (just one) and that's it. mine will probably be a book or something this year.
I hate it too but I’d rather be gracious to my friends than rude.
Its just shit i need to find a place in the house. This girl gave me a gift which was lovely, but im always uncomfortable receiving gifts.
Finally someone who understands when I say that I genuinely do not want any gifts 😂
As an only child, I’d rather do something together where we could spend time together. That’s my love language, spending quality time together. I’m grown and can buy my own whatnots.
Peace on Earth, good will toward all.
Regifting is the way forward. I either buy presents from the charity shop, or give away books I've finished reading
i like receiving genuine gifts, not bc of some holiday, but bc the person genuinely wanted to (and wont shove it to my face after a petty argument lol im traumatized), i also like giving genuine gifts
All one would presumably need to do is tell everyone in your life you don’t want any gifts and you’re not participating in gifts. And move on 🤷♀️ maybe enjoy each others time instead.
2:59 preach it!!!!! "Happy Birthday" singing needs to go away
I totally understand
It makes you feel ... A burden to give back as well.
If you spent $20 from me and I didn't get you a $20 gift now I'm seen as ungiving and selfish .
I just want to give and get from my. Husband and kids
For holidays I prefer to hang out with my friends . Qualify time love language .
Some friends and I agree to an activity instead if gifts.
The ending made me laugh a lot, you’re wonderful😂and I feel the same about gifts
That compulsion to repay value for value does not come from capitalism. IT has existed everywhere, from feudal Japan to African tribal peoples. If anything, capitalism mitigates its effects by creating material abundance. We can compartmentalize it to ceremonial or seasonal events.
Yeah, well, this one is not entirely on capitalism. I can't explain it properly, but I learned a bit about it in anthropology + in a book by an Indiginous person. Indiginous cultures think about gifts in terms of reciprocity. Direct quote from Braiding Sweetgrass: "From the viewpoint of a private property economy, the “gift” is deemed to be “free” because we obtain it free of charge, at no cost. But in the gift economy, gifts are not free. The essence of the gift is that it creates a set of relationships. The currency of a gift economy is, at its root, reciprocity. In Western thinking, private land is understood to be a “bundle of rights,” whereas in a gift economy property has a “bundle of responsibilities” attached."
I don't want anything but jokingly I always ask for pet food for my cat or for money to go towards car mot or food shopping
I would blame this on the human proclivity for reciprocity, not capitalism; since insecurities around gift giving/receiving predate capitalism.
I don’t mind gifts, I prefer hanging out (quality time). If you do happen to find something that you think I might like, I always appreciate the thought. And it makes it less anxiety provoking if you don’t wrap it, I know it sounds weird but I’m happy if you give me the book you got me in the Barnes and noble bag. Lol