Small talk is planting a seed to see what might grow out of it. Starting your conversations deep and random will cause people to go on the defense and not open up to you.
I read in a magazine, as a kid, a phrase that stuck with me about small talk, "small talk is about learning how people interact, not learning about their day"
Oof, so good. Here's one that stuck with me: People don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel. It was actually advice for presentations, but it helped me realize to let myself focus on having fun when interacting w/people, instead of worrying about "What should be said."
This sound similar to something I once heard, someone said "small talk is a test. A test to see if the other person feels safe to talk to/can be trusted/seems like a kind person, etc."
I ask strangers what kind of creative expression they enjoy. Off-putting for many adults until we talk about hairstyles, gardening, cooking, decorating their space, etc. Everyone enjoys some sort of creative expression.
@@TheRainyHome In the most general sense, it is any product. Creative expression has two sides, comfortable and uncomfortable. Comfortable expression is anything you are already good at and enjoy doing. It could be styling your hair, how you dress, any way you present yourself to the world, gardening, baking, decorating your space, visual art, dancing, whatever. Then there are things we may have always wanted to do, but we are afraid. We are culturally indoctrinated to feel not good enough to paint, draw, dance, sing, write music, write books, publicly speak, design clothes, etc. Our internalized critic shames us into inaction. It takes courage to free ourselves from the shadow side of dismissal of our unique creative expression. Each of us has a talent to share with the world.
i love when strangers make small talk with me. i just have no idea how to end the conversation in a way that lets them know i appreciated the interaction lol i'm just like _bye_
How about brutal honesty: I really like how you talk to me, but mind if I ask you a bit of advice... I really got no idea how to end the conversation but I want you to know that I really appreciated the interaction with you before I get going. How would you do that if you were in my shoes? :)
damn you posted this at the best time for me cause ive been struggling to talk to people so much these days that every time i go out i feel like im going to war 😭😭
Whenever i try to go deeper- which I 1000% always do in any conversation that is halfway pleasant, I find there are occasionally people who just don't want to think deeply, and actually deem to become uncomfortable.
This guys is teaching me more about socialize stuff than me myself for the major part of my life and I'm not sure if it says great about him or really poorly about me. But I'll take it and one day will use all that to take over the world! I mean, get out of my shell. Yeah.
These videos are so good, and I love how you really break things down in a way that resonates on an emotional level, rather than a mechanical/transactional level. I've never thought of small talk as being something that prevents hurt, as an autistic person it has been the opposite for me, but I did not understand its function either on a rational or emotional level. This definitely helps me a LOT!
As a confirmed introvert, small talk is poison. If someone is blathering at me I tend to drop down into 'receptive' and 'agreeable to everything'. I never had the tips described here, and I would literally wait until they stopped to breathe or drop dead which ever came first. Taking initiative requires a level of certainty for me, it involves wearing a mask that I probably won't be able to sustain long term, so I would take it very slowly.
Relate so hard to this! I never feel comfortable disagreeing with someone I just met - might have to try it though bc dropping into ‘smile and nod’ is exhausting
@@proven1125 I am lead to believe that being highly introverted is a result of certain structures in the brain, and there is nothing that can be done about it. When I was young, many people attempted to help me by bringing me out of my shell, but that never lasted very long. My parents also tried to coach me into being more outgoing which only worked temporarily. I got through adulthood by wearing a mask of a happy well adjusted person, then I needed long periods of recuperation. I still hope there is a solution even though I'm now in retirement, I would welcome it.
I've only watched two videos from this channel but I already think it's one of my favorites. Everything you say is wonderfully clear and concise, but simultaneously deep and insightful. We need more channels like this on UA-cam.
YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET PERSON. OH MY DAYS. The, "if you're a skilled conversationalist... Which you are." with the following point at the camera. Made my day. Thank you for the videos. They've been so encouraging to me lately. Stay amazing. :)
Saying out loud in a conversation "what should we talk about" puts a huge responsibility on your shoulders because if the others dont come up with something and you dont know either then it becomes 5x more awkward
I agree so much with your point at around 5 minutes. It's not just about changing the subject. To me personally, it's more about realizing that most things someone says, have something to do with who this person is. For example, for some reason "the weather" is regarded as the worst, most superficial small talk topic, even though there are a lot of people with strong feelings and memories connected to the weather.
Totally relate! Small talk can feel like a drag, especially when you're hoping for something more meaningful. But I’ve realized it’s just the gateway to deeper discussions. Instead of waiting for a lull, I now actively steer the conversation to something more intriguing. Asking about unique interests or sharing a quirky thought can shift the vibe. Plus, everyone has their own hidden stories and passions; you just need to tap into them! Just like in the Sense of Humor Improvement Program by Habit10x, finding that deeper connection keeps things engaging and fun.
As a personal trainer who had to approach people there's: Observations, Statements , conclusions about the person's story, you can use in conversation and most importantly being genuinely curious about the person helps. Ofcourse this takes initiative but people hate things they are bad at, think initiative is just lazy or entitled peoples worst nightmare.
Hmmmm so what if the person told you that the specific topic which you know nothing about? 🫠 I always have this issue in small talk and then I’ll just say “Right” then into the void
@@fran991213 I usually say something like "oh, I don't know much about this topic, tell me about it!/what do you enjoy about it?/how did you get into that?", just to get the other person talking. They brought it up so they're usually happy to have someone listen to them talk about it, and eventually they'll hopefully say something you can latch onto and contribute to the conversation again :)
I hate small talk with a passion, and this is exactly why. I still have to do it often at church or at work, but only if it serves me. Otherwise I usually try to disengage.
It feels empowering to know we have the power to steer the conversation. Thought the problem was just how two people click socially, but it's just that we haven't had the chance to truly connect yet!
Lewis, seeing your videos gives me hope, especially knowing that young men have examples like you reaching a hand to them, as you learn and grow alongside them.
Wow your channel is growing so fast, I’m so happy to see you’re getting the recognition you absolutely deserve sir. Your videos are a net positive to society.
Thanks, I like how you focus on better social skills in order to understand and relate to people as an end in itself, as opposed to so much online content promoting it as a means to an end e.g. getting laid.
I remember telling myself and others that I hate small talk and only want to talk about what matters. I must have grown out of that without knowing it because I don’t even remember what is not considered small talk 😅
Don't be too hard on yourself. Small talk for the most part is trash, a pointless, surface level interaction with no substance. There is nothing wrong with going straight into a serious conversation without first making small talk. Conversations with no small talk involved usually make the best and most interesting conversations. I walked in a restaurant and the waiter said to me "let me see your rings." After showing him my rings, we talked to each other as if we known each other all our lives. There is nothing lazy about that. He didn't ask how I was doing. He didn't say anything about the weather. He didn't say "how was your weekend?" "How's it going?" "How's your day going?" None of that old, boring, stale, dried out, tired, worn out, dead small talk. I've had plenty of conversations without small talk. One of the many problematic things with small talk is you and the other person could end up getting stuck in that small talk phase. Every time you see each other it's the same old, boring,stale, dried out, tired, worn out, ,dead small talk. As a result, you never really get to know each other. And this is why I say this video is trash and small talk is trash, for the most part. Hell, if I had a kryptonite, it would be small talk.
Im autistic and exhausted. I feel like you're describing an alien species and I don't have the energy to deal with these games. Confirming to these rules leads to significant loss to my sanity with no positive outcome for me but a positive outcome for the other party. More often the other party fails to return the favor making the whole interaction a net negative for my braincells. Difficult to be altruistic in a system where no one values you and where everyone is selfish.
Good point about everyone’s responsibility in a conversation. I had someone who just wanted to be entertained. “Tell me a story!” they said. I have plenty of stories, but I’m not a performing monkey.
They're probably awkward and in the process of learning to have conversation 😅 because that's one of the common/key advice given to awkward/shy people, to ask people to talk about themselves or tell you a story etc... taught in all communication courses/classes etc...
This guy is good. I thought that I liked this guy and then realized that this was him using what he was teaching. At this point, I then realized the effectiveness of this technique was demonstrated so well that it took hold of me through a monologue.
That "initiative" bit was brilliant. We often blame other people for forcing us to engage in small talk but very rarely do we take responsibility upon ourselves and move the conversation in a different direction.
When I used to date, I used to ask what weird hobbies or interests the other person might have, while sharing one of mine first. It always made for a great transition from small tall to a deep conversation about our interests. Saying a random hobby like "I like to watch football" or "I play piano" might not always be interesting, but saying "I love Jurassic Park, and dinosaurs" or "I have a racing game set up in my office at home" might do the trick. I highly recommend you do this!
Thank you, I have a friend who really likes how I talk, and there are a friend and my husband who think I should improve. It feels suspicious to talk to the people on the streets as I always think they will be a bother or need something from me. I feel like I'm mediocre in small talk, and I don't even know who to practice on. But so far I'm happy with the amount of people I communicate with. Thank you for the advice.
Video idea: My girl friend has been having a hard time lately with depression and anxiety etc. I would like to know what I can do to help her through it and make her feel better.
It has everything to do with TWO people not just one. In order to have a deep Convo, it goes both ways. Most boring people are actually the ones who don't build off on the small talk. Because usually the person who's initiating it is WANTING the other person to build off. But if they reply with a boring reply, then that's a cycle that they're causing. Not you. 😂
some people just aren't leveling up to the conversations they start or the direction we take, they end up being avoidant of any future convos. are they intimidated? what's the science of being scared of embarrassment to know less than what the other person is talking about? cuz i swear i lost few of my cousins talking about financial freedom, self awareness and spirituality topics, they basically enjoy very shallow convos for loooooong hours. it is not fair that people choose to avoid people because those people have deep thoughts and more knowledge. i would love to hear your way of dealing with the body language/signs people usually give in those kind of conversations.
That can be very frustrating. Small talk can be a way of finding out what interests you both have in common and going from there. Also being careful not to too far outpace their understanding in a subject bc that could be overwhelming/confusing for them. I’m glad you brought this up. It helped me see where and why I often lose people in conversation. I tend to hyperfocus on my interests and just assume other people would be excited about it to if they knew enough 😂
@@RhymeandRamblings i get your perspective completely. Do you think we practice pleasing others if all that they could like to talk about is their own views/ways/style/interests?
I recently discovered i have ADHD (38) I joined a staff networks to support people who are ‘neurodiverse’ We have MS Teams meetings. It’s really interesting because about 15 people sit on it without cameras on and they say nothing. Me and three other people who primarily present as ADHD waffle on like hell. We were worried about others not getting a word in. But others said they were fine with this. They enjoyed the total lack of pressure to join in. They were happy to listen and take comfort. Occasionally they would come in. I found that the silent people (most of which appeared to confess to more autistic traits than ADHD) would understand that they don’t say much until someone hit on a subject they’re passionate about. Then they couldn’t stop. Those of us with ADHD talked about many subjects and changed often. But we did also delve into our passions and maybe spent too long. But this delve was supported by the other people with ADHD. They became absorbed into it. I have rambled here too but the lesson is to just give space to other people. See what you get back. If they continue it easily, then it’s good. If they don’t, feel free to say some more but maybe ask them a question. Don’t be put off by not getting much back. And at the end of it it’s always ok to just stop a conversation and “thank you I have to go now”. It’s ok to walk away. Or even be honest “really sorry but I struggle when it comes to as it’s not really something that interests me. It goes over my head!” I pulled off a great relationship development. My friend is obsessed by cars. I’m obsessed by computers. He would always ramble about cars and my brain shut off. I would talk about computers and he would shut off. When I realised that I could equate cars and their engines to PC’s and their processors/graphics card etc we related so much better. We began explaining things to each other in each others passion. I would relate PC things to cars and he would do the reverse. It’s ok not to like someone else’s passion. But you can try to relate. And usually in the end people like to talk to someone they can ‘teach’ and explain. I’ve seen so many difficulty conversations with two people about the same passion. They disagree and try to out-expert each other. Not that that always happens. Sorry for going on. ADHD 😅
@@MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMJ Yes I do think that is a risk. That’s a good point. It does take a lot of discernment to know who to open up to, confide in, share your interests with. If the other person isn’t also interested in finding common ground then it can’t be a deep relationship, at least not at that time. I’m curious your thoughts on this. It’s an area I struggle with too. I think it’s best to stay in shallow waters with shallow people and save your energy for other things. But this is easier said than done.
I am "New to Newel". I am glad I found this channel. I am always looking out for ways to improve in this and other areas of communication, as well as connecting with others. In small talk situations, all that keeps going through my mind is that people, in general, talk about the weather when they have nothing else to talk about. I would like to step beyond this. Thanks for the tips.
Plot twist. I'm actually finding the women I speak to on "the apps" to be ULTRA BORING. Like for real. All of these "if we match please talk!" profiles, the woman barely say anything interesting at all! 5 word questions like "hey, how are you today" make me want to flip tables. Women, why are you so boring?! I genuinely spent 20 mins being expressive and interesting to get "oh I see" to which I just unmatched them. Absolutely woeful waste of time. Talk to people in public, even if you're scared to, just a simple compliment about their hair or smile or clothes goes a long way, as does just being direct! Not rude...just direct "I think you're very pretty" etc. Take the plunge, confidence does a lot of the work for you.
Something I find myself doing when the small talk slows down a bit is asking questions about things that have already been said or around those topics. I once heard we all love to talk about ourselves, we just need a bit of prompting
There's a poem about how people floating along a river make small talk with everyone they bump into on the river about any little thing that they can just to find something in common, while forgetting that they're already on the same river (the human experience)
I have a "friend" who called me on the phone and after talking non stop for 40 minutes in excruciating detail about her work, various perceived injustices and snubs, the personalities and interactions of people I don't know and never will, medical problems, doom and gloom remarks about news headlines, and then finally exhausted her monologue, said to me, "So, do you have anything interesting to say?" How should I have responded?
I would respond - "do you actually want to hear what I have to say? Or would you like to carry on talking about yourself and your own life for another 40 minutes?" See if they get the point. I used to have a friend like this - I had to learn that I needed to be more assertive at just interjecting in the convo and wrestling it so I could also talk and not just her have a huge monologue. Easier said then done.
When i think about it, the most charismatic people i've met, they all have this in common, they start small talk literally with anyone and do it naturally like having a glass of water.
Starting small talk with anyone is not safe. There are dangerous people in this world. Get too comfortable with some people, next thing you end up in their living room and that's it, never to be seen or heard from again. Or they can turn out to be lunatic, the kind of person you wish you never talked too.
A rather interesting video. I have always seen small talks pointless because it doesn't show how the other person thinks, what their thought process is. So I just stay silent instead of initiating any conversations. However, if people do decide to talk to me, I ask questions and give my view to sort of, sustain the conversation. Never thought of small talks to be the foundation of deeper talks. Thanks.
This is the video I always dreamed of seeing. I am on the autism spectrum and find it difficult to make new friends. I always wondered how I actually made friends in the first place. I never understood how one goes from stranger to friend. This THE missing piece. THANK YOU SO MUCH
i love small talk, and i really resonated when you said that people who don't like it just don't understand its purpose. you can learn SO MUCH about a person from their small talk. in deep talk, it's the information contained in the words that hold the most importance, but in small talk it's *how* people talk about the subject that holds the most meaning. like your parking ticket example: their small talk isn't about the fact they got a parking ticket, it's primarily about their distrust of authority, or maybe they have strong feelings about how laws are made and applied, or any number of other things. the parking ticket conversation is just the conduit through which they're expressing their deeper thoughts and feelings about the larger world. i'm convinced that people who hate small talk don't see the deeper meaning behind the words. like you said, appearances are not reality.
People who don't like small talk, we are more interested towards information or ideas and not people it self. I can discuss or talk about a subject for hours, but can't stand 5 min of small talk with someone who I don't know because the only information about this person that can I recibe it's how they feel at this moment and not how it's personality truly is.
@@SliderGNU not interested toward people? like... you just don't care about connecting with others? like you don't want to make friends? i don't understand that.
@@dursty3226 Let me explain better, English it's my second language and I'm trying to improve my write skill. I think people are interesting, how process information, how creative they are, but only though deep conversations and share some similar leves of values I can "connect" with people. Think about it, I'm surely know you can connect with people you has never meet, like writers, philosophers, communicators and other public personalities. In this case the "connection" it's unidirectional, but still a connection. Taking this, friends are people who share similar values with you and, reciprocally, you/they like how they think or how creative they are, plus you like to expense time with them. May I have a strange or different definition of what a friend are, but this is how I view the life. In the other hand, I don't search actively for new friends or even a girlfriend, I think this should be things that happens without pushing, like coincidences in the journey of your life. I think about it a lot and this remember one sentence from one of my professor: "You have born with two parts of brain and only half of heart"
@@dursty3226 Oh? You seems like a attractive person. I am personally a Introvert with some problems talking to people due to small talk. Anyways, it sounds fun to talk you so i was going to ask if that the reason why im having hard time resonating with people is due to me denying the feelings of the what is the person is feelings. A i meant, I personally wanted to know what of people there are but i just goes direct asking question instead of taking time to ask simple things which makes it very boring technically because u know, it just goes down directly to the bottom. I can ask simple things to start a conversation but as an introvert, its hard for me to start talking when social anxiety plays the part of what to talk about. Anyways you seems a great person to talk to and this comment may seems random since haha i don't know where to start with.
What i mean is that, since i deny the feelings of someone its hard for me to talk with others plus the social anxiety. Um, u said that small talk is about knowing what kind of person they are and Deep talk is about knowing what they know. haha sorry if it seems confusing, i just bable a lot afterall in first conversation without knowing what others would say
This is the only “self help” UA-camr on this website that has ever gotten through and affected my life in the years of watching self improvement videos
I guess even calling it small talk is the first mistake. If someones talking to you, then you are making them feel good if youre listening and asking questions
The problem is that you might entertain small talk for a while, then when big talk time is finally there, you realize the other person is an idiot with no concrete idea of their own and/or very shallow reasoning ability.
My problem with small talk is that i don't like doing it even with people close to me 💀💀💀💀 I want to know Who they are , their struggles, share who i am and my struggle, our stories values and ideas. Thats the sad part... I really don't care about how you are good in this consumistic society. You travel? Idc. You have learned something? Tell me. You have a goal? Tell me. You have a story important for you? Tell me. Idgaf about you going to holiday... About your car, house. It's boring.
I liked the suggestions at the end about asking if they have a secret hobby or passion. I heard another one that goes "whats the most important lesson you've learned in life and who taught it to you". Does anyone have more conversation topics like these?
I remember when i first watched one of your videos a few months ago when you had less than 20k subscribers and youve made crazy progress since then. Keep it up!!!
"are you single? moving on" 😭 i had been single since 16 years of my birth 💀 am optimistic that a cute girl likes me back as she showed 5 green flags within one month of our friendship
Bro you're 16 years old, it'll work out I promise. As long as you try to put yourself out there and talk to people genuinely something will happen, just recognise that girls are people too just like you. Come on son
@@user-ts1yw6ji2o like I gotta double comment bro, I know exactly how you feel, I was in the same position as you once where I genuinely thought I was unlovable. What would always make me better is, no offense, walking along the street and seeing two crackheads together holding hands - if they can find love then so can you. Work on yourself and success will come to you
4:05 I asked her if she had a fairy godmother like Cinderella what would she want to do for that one night. Lead to a whole conversation about growing up as a child.
When i sit here listening to an old 61 year old rant about how shes old from 9am-5pm and the complain how she needs quiet. This doesn't work for me. This totally turned me off. I am fed up of rambling. lord SHAT uP.
UPD: Ah, yes, something like this is mentioned at the end of the video. Those transitions into deeper conversations don’t have to be random either. Even the flight troubles, the greyness outside, or the knee pain ramblings can be gateways into something really fun and engaging, like weird but funny travel episodes, favourite kind of warm drink, or taking care of the body. Again, they don’t have to be perky and chirpy, but pivoting and weaving the conversation rather than dropping your topic on a person might work quite effectively
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Small talk is planting a seed to see what might grow out of it. Starting your conversations deep and random will cause people to go on the defense and not open up to you.
This is true but not always
Maybe true for neuronormies
I came to value small talk; deep discussions are not necessarily the ultimate goal, but rather being present and experiencing the moment.
This should be obvious lol.
oooo yes
I read in a magazine, as a kid, a phrase that stuck with me about small talk, "small talk is about learning how people interact, not learning about their day"
Oof, so good. Here's one that stuck with me: People don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel.
It was actually advice for presentations, but it helped me realize to let myself focus on having fun when interacting w/people, instead of worrying about "What should be said."
I love that
I don't get it 🥲 an example please? 😅
This sound similar to something I once heard, someone said "small talk is a test. A test to see if the other person feels safe to talk to/can be trusted/seems like a kind person, etc."
I ask strangers what kind of creative expression they enjoy. Off-putting for many adults until we talk about hairstyles, gardening, cooking, decorating their space, etc. Everyone enjoys some sort of creative expression.
That's a good open question
Explain creative expression..please
@@TheRainyHome
In the most general sense, it is any product.
Creative expression has two sides, comfortable and uncomfortable.
Comfortable expression is anything you are already good at and enjoy doing. It could be styling your hair, how you dress, any way you present yourself to the world, gardening, baking, decorating your space, visual art, dancing, whatever.
Then there are things we may have always wanted to do, but we are afraid. We are culturally indoctrinated to feel not good enough to paint, draw, dance, sing, write music, write books, publicly speak, design clothes, etc. Our internalized critic shames us into inaction. It takes courage to free ourselves from the shadow side of dismissal of our unique creative expression. Each of us has a talent to share with the world.
@@DoodleBean4 oh my God you are sooo positive, thank for this comment. I just love people like you ❤
@@sameeep Thanks and you are welcome! 😎✌️✨
Small talk leads to big talk.
Little Alex Horne from task master has a song about this.
Welcome to Big Talk! I'm Raymond Terrific!
i love when strangers make small talk with me. i just have no idea how to end the conversation in a way that lets them know i appreciated the interaction lol i'm just like _bye_
“I really appreciated our interaction and need to go now”
“I need to get going but it was nice talking to you!”
How about brutal honesty:
I really like how you talk to me, but mind if I ask you a bit of advice... I really got no idea how to end the conversation but I want you to know that I really appreciated the interaction with you before I get going. How would you do that if you were in my shoes? :)
Oh listen to me running on, I won't keep you. Or- I'll let you get on.
@@robertreimann1846 I wish it was socially acceptable to say this
One of the highest value channels on UA-cam.
truly
Agreed!!
Lankybox better I love my daily dose or youtube slop
If a person is a good listener small talk can be lovely. Most people are not really interested in other people's details!
damn you posted this at the best time for me cause ive been struggling to talk to people so much these days that every time i go out i feel like im going to war 😭😭
"every time i go out i feel like im going to war" what a perfect sentence for my situation 💀
Not alone brother
Thank god we have phones and can pretend to look focused on something until they go away
I'm sorry y'all are struggling, I feel that
Me too
Whenever i try to go deeper- which I 1000% always do in any conversation that is halfway pleasant, I find there are occasionally people who just don't want to think deeply, and actually deem to become uncomfortable.
This guys is teaching me more about socialize stuff than me myself for the major part of my life and I'm not sure if it says great about him or really poorly about me. But I'll take it and one day will use all that to take over the world!
I mean, get out of my shell. Yeah.
These videos are so good, and I love how you really break things down in a way that resonates on an emotional level, rather than a mechanical/transactional level. I've never thought of small talk as being something that prevents hurt, as an autistic person it has been the opposite for me, but I did not understand its function either on a rational or emotional level. This definitely helps me a LOT!
What an incredible video. Just shown it to my mum who despises small talk but also wonders why she has no friends.
"are you single?" lol, that made my day already. thanks mate ^^
As a confirmed introvert, small talk is poison. If someone is blathering at me I tend to drop down into 'receptive' and 'agreeable to everything'. I never had the tips described here, and I would literally wait until they stopped to breathe or drop dead which ever came first. Taking initiative requires a level of certainty for me, it involves wearing a mask that I probably won't be able to sustain long term, so I would take it very slowly.
Relate so hard to this! I never feel comfortable disagreeing with someone I just met - might have to try it though bc dropping into ‘smile and nod’ is exhausting
@@paigewhitehead2157dropping in to agree. I’m gonna try to act bored usually people get the hint
Hey buddy, I have to disagree that it has got anything to do with being introverted. More to do with childhood conditioning.
@jsleamer2046 I want to know more about that, what does it have to do with childhood? is there a solution for that?
@@proven1125 I am lead to believe that being highly introverted is a result of certain structures in the brain, and there is nothing that can be done about it. When I was young, many people attempted to help me by bringing me out of my shell, but that never lasted very long. My parents also tried to coach me into being more outgoing which only worked temporarily. I got through adulthood by wearing a mask of a happy well adjusted person, then I needed long periods of recuperation. I still hope there is a solution even though I'm now in retirement, I would welcome it.
this guy should call himself a "speech philosopher".
He is a philosopher, and a good one at that.
I've only watched two videos from this channel but I already think it's one of my favorites. Everything you say is wonderfully clear and concise, but simultaneously deep and insightful. We need more channels like this on UA-cam.
YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET PERSON. OH MY DAYS. The, "if you're a skilled conversationalist... Which you are." with the following point at the camera. Made my day.
Thank you for the videos. They've been so encouraging to me lately. Stay amazing. :)
Saying out loud in a conversation "what should we talk about" puts a huge responsibility on your shoulders because if the others dont come up with something and you dont know either then it becomes 5x more awkward
true
I agree so much with your point at around 5 minutes. It's not just about changing the subject. To me personally, it's more about realizing that most things someone says, have something to do with who this person is. For example, for some reason "the weather" is regarded as the worst, most superficial small talk topic, even though there are a lot of people with strong feelings and memories connected to the weather.
02:38 was a scene straight out of so many of us men's lives. I was audibly chuckling 😂
Bro stood up for all of us in the last part. He is a real hero 💪
Totally relate! Small talk can feel like a drag, especially when you're hoping for something more meaningful. But I’ve realized it’s just the gateway to deeper discussions. Instead of waiting for a lull, I now actively steer the conversation to something more intriguing.
Asking about unique interests or sharing a quirky thought can shift the vibe. Plus, everyone has their own hidden stories and passions; you just need to tap into them! Just like in the Sense of Humor Improvement Program by Habit10x, finding that deeper connection keeps things engaging and fun.
The insights on how to transition from small talk to more engaging topics are helpful; it encourages us to dig deeper
As a personal trainer who had to approach people there's: Observations, Statements , conclusions about the person's story, you can use in conversation and most importantly being genuinely curious about the person helps. Ofcourse this takes initiative but people hate things they are bad at, think initiative is just lazy or entitled peoples worst nightmare.
An amazing question to continue a conversation is just “what’s your favorite conversation topic” it’s genuinely overpowered
Hmmmm so what if the person told you that the specific topic which you know nothing about? 🫠 I always have this issue in small talk and then I’ll just say “Right” then into the void
@@fran991213 I usually say something like "oh, I don't know much about this topic, tell me about it!/what do you enjoy about it?/how did you get into that?", just to get the other person talking. They brought it up so they're usually happy to have someone listen to them talk about it, and eventually they'll hopefully say something you can latch onto and contribute to the conversation again :)
I hate small talk with a passion, and this is exactly why. I still have to do it often at church or at work, but only if it serves me. Otherwise I usually try to disengage.
It feels empowering to know we have the power to steer the conversation. Thought the problem was just how two people click socially, but it's just that we haven't had the chance to truly connect yet!
That look at 4:34 😂😂 stabbed right into my soul
Lewis, seeing your videos gives me hope, especially knowing that young men have examples like you reaching a hand to them, as you learn and grow alongside them.
Waffling about is my favorite phrase
Wow your channel is growing so fast, I’m so happy to see you’re getting the recognition you absolutely deserve sir. Your videos are a net positive to society.
Thanks, I like how you focus on better social skills in order to understand and relate to people as an end in itself, as opposed to so much online content promoting it as a means to an end e.g. getting laid.
I remember telling myself and others that I hate small talk and only want to talk about what matters. I must have grown out of that without knowing it because I don’t even remember what is not considered small talk 😅
You called me lazy! Guilty lol, I will use your techniques. Thank you.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Small talk for the most part is trash, a pointless, surface level interaction with no substance. There is nothing wrong with going straight into a serious conversation without first making small talk. Conversations with no small talk involved usually make the best and most interesting conversations. I walked in a restaurant and the waiter said to me "let me see your rings." After showing him my rings, we talked to each other as if we known each other all our lives. There is nothing lazy about that. He didn't ask how I was doing. He didn't say anything about the weather. He didn't say "how was your weekend?" "How's it going?" "How's your day going?" None of that old, boring, stale, dried out, tired, worn out, dead small talk. I've had plenty of conversations without small talk. One of the many problematic things with small talk is you and the other person could end up getting stuck in that small talk phase. Every time you see each other it's the same old, boring,stale, dried out, tired, worn out, ,dead small talk. As a result, you never really get to know each other. And this is why I say this video is trash and small talk is trash, for the most part. Hell, if I had a kryptonite, it would be small talk.
Im so tired of it always being about getting a girl. I just want to talk to people in general lol
Samll talk is simply a way to get a sense of someone's personality.
Im autistic and exhausted.
I feel like you're describing an alien species and I don't have the energy to deal with these games.
Confirming to these rules leads to significant loss to my sanity with no positive outcome for me but a positive outcome for the other party.
More often the other party fails to return the favor making the whole interaction a net negative for my braincells.
Difficult to be altruistic in a system where no one values you and where everyone is selfish.
Small talk is foreplay for conversation
I've always hated, feared small talk. Watching this has completely changed my views!
consider "small talk" as an "ice-breaker" -- to see if you're willing to talk at all
or give a cold-shouldered snub to that person.
Good point about everyone’s responsibility in a conversation.
I had someone who just wanted to be entertained.
“Tell me a story!” they said.
I have plenty of stories, but I’m not a performing monkey.
They're probably awkward and in the process of learning to have conversation 😅 because that's one of the common/key advice given to awkward/shy people, to ask people to talk about themselves or tell you a story etc... taught in all communication courses/classes etc...
I love small talk. It's like saying literal bullshit, but everyone loves it.
This guy is good. I thought that I liked this guy and then realized that this was him using what he was teaching. At this point, I then realized the effectiveness of this technique was demonstrated so well that it took hold of me through a monologue.
That "initiative" bit was brilliant. We often blame other people for forcing us to engage in small talk but very rarely do we take responsibility upon ourselves and move the conversation in a different direction.
When I used to date, I used to ask what weird hobbies or interests the other person might have, while sharing one of mine first. It always made for a great transition from small tall to a deep conversation about our interests. Saying a random hobby like "I like to watch football" or "I play piano" might not always be interesting, but saying "I love Jurassic Park, and dinosaurs" or "I have a racing game set up in my office at home" might do the trick. I highly recommend you do this!
Such an intelligent analysis of human interaction, thank you for this!
Not me actually wondering if they have the same opinion than me about the weather
Thank you, I have a friend who really likes how I talk, and there are a friend and my husband who think I should improve. It feels suspicious to talk to the people on the streets as I always think they will be a bother or need something from me. I feel like I'm mediocre in small talk, and I don't even know who to practice on. But so far I'm happy with the amount of people I communicate with. Thank you for the advice.
Video idea:
My girl friend has been having a hard time lately with depression and anxiety etc. I would like to know what I can do to help her through it and make her feel better.
It has everything to do with TWO people not just one.
In order to have a deep Convo, it goes both ways.
Most boring people are actually the ones who don't build off on the small talk. Because usually the person who's initiating it is WANTING the other person to build off. But if they reply with a boring reply, then that's a cycle that they're causing. Not you.
😂
some people just aren't leveling up to the conversations they start or the direction we take, they end up being avoidant of any future convos.
are they intimidated? what's the science of being scared of embarrassment to know less than what the other person is talking about?
cuz i swear i lost few of my cousins talking about financial freedom, self awareness and spirituality topics, they basically enjoy very shallow convos for loooooong hours.
it is not fair that people choose to avoid people because those people have deep thoughts and more knowledge.
i would love to hear your way of dealing with the body language/signs people usually give in those kind of conversations.
thank you for being such an amazing human in front of a camera caring for other humans. all the way from Yemen, THANK YOU VM.
That can be very frustrating. Small talk can be a way of finding out what interests you both have in common and going from there. Also being careful not to too far outpace their understanding in a subject bc that could be overwhelming/confusing for them.
I’m glad you brought this up. It helped me see where and why I often lose people in conversation.
I tend to hyperfocus on my interests and just assume other people would be excited about it to if they knew enough 😂
@@RhymeandRamblings i get your perspective completely. Do you think we practice pleasing others if all that they could like to talk about is their own views/ways/style/interests?
I recently discovered i have ADHD (38)
I joined a staff networks to support people who are ‘neurodiverse’
We have MS Teams meetings.
It’s really interesting because about 15 people sit on it without cameras on and they say nothing.
Me and three other people who primarily present as ADHD waffle on like hell.
We were worried about others not getting a word in. But others said they were fine with this. They enjoyed the total lack of pressure to join in. They were happy to listen and take comfort. Occasionally they would come in.
I found that the silent people (most of which appeared to confess to more autistic traits than ADHD) would understand that they don’t say much until someone hit on a subject they’re passionate about. Then they couldn’t stop.
Those of us with ADHD talked about many subjects and changed often. But we did also delve into our passions and maybe spent too long. But this delve was supported by the other people with ADHD. They became absorbed into it.
I have rambled here too but the lesson is to just give space to other people. See what you get back. If they continue it easily, then it’s good.
If they don’t, feel free to say some more but maybe ask them a question. Don’t be put off by not getting much back.
And at the end of it it’s always ok to just stop a conversation and “thank you I have to go now”.
It’s ok to walk away. Or even be honest “really sorry but I struggle when it comes to as it’s not really something that interests me. It goes over my head!”
I pulled off a great relationship development. My friend is obsessed by cars. I’m obsessed by computers.
He would always ramble about cars and my brain shut off. I would talk about computers and he would shut off.
When I realised that I could equate cars and their engines to PC’s and their processors/graphics card etc we related so much better.
We began explaining things to each other in each others passion.
I would relate PC things to cars and he would do the reverse.
It’s ok not to like someone else’s passion. But you can try to relate.
And usually in the end people like to talk to someone they can ‘teach’ and explain. I’ve seen so many difficulty conversations with two people about the same passion. They disagree and try to out-expert each other. Not that that always happens.
Sorry for going on. ADHD 😅
@@MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMJ
Yes I do think that is a risk. That’s a good point.
It does take a lot of discernment to know who to open up to, confide in, share your interests with.
If the other person isn’t also interested in finding common ground then it can’t be a deep relationship, at least not at that time.
I’m curious your thoughts on this. It’s an area I struggle with too.
I think it’s best to stay in shallow waters with shallow people and save your energy for other things. But this is easier said than done.
Slick and to the point, well articulated.
I am "New to Newel". I am glad I found this channel. I am always looking out for ways to improve in this and other areas of communication, as well as connecting with others. In small talk situations, all that keeps going through my mind is that people, in general, talk about the weather when they have nothing else to talk about. I would like to step beyond this. Thanks for the tips.
Plot twist. I'm actually finding the women I speak to on "the apps" to be ULTRA BORING. Like for real. All of these "if we match please talk!" profiles, the woman barely say anything interesting at all! 5 word questions like "hey, how are you today" make me want to flip tables. Women, why are you so boring?! I genuinely spent 20 mins being expressive and interesting to get "oh I see" to which I just unmatched them. Absolutely woeful waste of time.
Talk to people in public, even if you're scared to, just a simple compliment about their hair or smile or clothes goes a long way, as does just being direct! Not rude...just direct "I think you're very pretty" etc. Take the plunge, confidence does a lot of the work for you.
Introverts, let's gather down here and express our hatred towards small talk.
thanks brah, i always say; small talk leads to big talk
Something I find myself doing when the small talk slows down a bit is asking questions about things that have already been said or around those topics. I once heard we all love to talk about ourselves, we just need a bit of prompting
There's a poem about how people floating along a river make small talk with everyone they bump into on the river about any little thing that they can just to find something in common, while forgetting that they're already on the same river (the human experience)
Simpler solution. Be genuinely curious about the other person. Be invested in learning about who they are, and small talk disappears.
At least your theory is one sided, if you both hates small talk then the room got insanely quiet😂
A sarcastic joke helps me out in that situation. The annoyance is an opportunity to bond, IMO.
MAN I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS
Thank you
I have a "friend" who called me on the phone and after talking non stop for 40 minutes in excruciating detail about her work, various perceived injustices and snubs, the personalities and interactions of people I don't know and never will, medical problems, doom and gloom remarks about news headlines, and then finally exhausted her monologue, said to me, "So, do you have anything interesting to say?"
How should I have responded?
I would respond - "do you actually want to hear what I have to say? Or would you like to carry on talking about yourself and your own life for another 40 minutes?" See if they get the point.
I used to have a friend like this - I had to learn that I needed to be more assertive at just interjecting in the convo and wrestling it so I could also talk and not just her have a huge monologue. Easier said then done.
I absolutely adore this channel ❤
I love him, he's brilliant and funny
When i think about it, the most charismatic people i've met, they all have this in common, they start small talk literally with anyone and do it naturally like having a glass of water.
Starting small talk with anyone is not safe. There are dangerous people in this world. Get too comfortable with some people, next thing you end up in their living room and that's it, never to be seen or heard from again. Or they can turn out to be lunatic, the kind of person you wish you never talked too.
@@nyc4life448 and also they rarely or never, overthink.
bro's got the cleanest moustache ive seen, im fk'n jealous mate
A rather interesting video. I have always seen small talks pointless because it doesn't show how the other person thinks, what their thought process is. So I just stay silent instead of initiating any conversations. However, if people do decide to talk to me, I ask questions and give my view to sort of, sustain the conversation. Never thought of small talks to be the foundation of deeper talks. Thanks.
Good on you man. it’s not only lazy. It’s friggin PRESUMPTUOUS. !!! People who are worth your time are worth the WORK to get to know.! Sorry.
This is the video I always dreamed of seeing. I am on the autism spectrum and find it difficult to make new friends. I always wondered how I actually made friends in the first place. I never understood how one goes from stranger to friend. This THE missing piece. THANK YOU SO MUCH
i think this might be one of my favorite videos of yours so far
straight up, no bullshit, watched, learned - great video, all should be like that
People always put a mask over their words out of fear of judgment from others
Thanks for teaching me how to enjoy “smo toke”
i love small talk, and i really resonated when you said that people who don't like it just don't understand its purpose.
you can learn SO MUCH about a person from their small talk. in deep talk, it's the information contained in the words that hold the most importance, but in small talk it's *how* people talk about the subject that holds the most meaning.
like your parking ticket example: their small talk isn't about the fact they got a parking ticket, it's primarily about their distrust of authority, or maybe they have strong feelings about how laws are made and applied, or any number of other things. the parking ticket conversation is just the conduit through which they're expressing their deeper thoughts and feelings about the larger world.
i'm convinced that people who hate small talk don't see the deeper meaning behind the words. like you said, appearances are not reality.
People who don't like small talk, we are more interested towards information or ideas and not people it self. I can discuss or talk about a subject for hours, but can't stand 5 min of small talk with someone who I don't know because the only information about this person that can I recibe it's how they feel at this moment and not how it's personality truly is.
@@SliderGNU not interested toward people? like... you just don't care about connecting with others? like you don't want to make friends? i don't understand that.
@@dursty3226 Let me explain better, English it's my second language and I'm trying to improve my write skill. I think people are interesting, how process information, how creative they are, but only though deep conversations and share some similar leves of values I can "connect" with people. Think about it, I'm surely know you can connect with people you has never meet, like writers, philosophers, communicators and other public personalities. In this case the "connection" it's unidirectional, but still a connection. Taking this, friends are people who share similar values with you and, reciprocally, you/they like how they think or how creative they are, plus you like to expense time with them.
May I have a strange or different definition of what a friend are, but this is how I view the life. In the other hand, I don't search actively for new friends or even a girlfriend, I think this should be things that happens without pushing, like coincidences in the journey of your life.
I think about it a lot and this remember one sentence from one of my professor: "You have born with two parts of brain and only half of heart"
@@dursty3226 Oh? You seems like a attractive person. I am personally a Introvert with some problems talking to people due to small talk. Anyways, it sounds fun to talk you so i was going to ask if that the reason why im having hard time resonating with people is due to me denying the feelings of the what is the person is feelings. A i meant, I personally wanted to know what of people there are but i just goes direct asking question instead of taking time to ask simple things which makes it very boring technically because u know, it just goes down directly to the bottom. I can ask simple things to start a conversation but as an introvert, its hard for me to start talking when social anxiety plays the part of what to talk about. Anyways you seems a great person to talk to and this comment may seems random since haha i don't know where to start with.
What i mean is that, since i deny the feelings of someone its hard for me to talk with others plus the social anxiety. Um, u said that small talk is about knowing what kind of person they are and Deep talk is about knowing what they know. haha sorry if it seems confusing, i just bable a lot afterall in first conversation without knowing what others would say
This is the only “self help” UA-camr on this website that has ever gotten through and affected my life in the years of watching self improvement videos
6 min no BS, straight to the point. I hope I can be less introverted and more bold in taking initiative.
I guess even calling it small talk is the first mistake. If someones talking to you, then you are making them feel good if youre listening and asking questions
4:34 What was I going to say? 😂 Got me there
Didn't expect much from this clickbaity title, but this was pretty good. Insightful thoughts and observations, great style of conveying them.
The purpose of snall talk is up to the user of it.
Awesomeness. This guy gets it
Namasté & Ho’Oponopono everything 🕊️❤️
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🎖️🥇
Thanks for your vidéos Lewis.I love the way you speak and your humour. Recently subscribed. Greetings from France.
Are you calling me lazy!? How dare you! I'm not... well, maybe a little bit... but small talk is boring!
Dude that's amazing stuff very well put; when you're saying "boy" to your viewer haha I've felt something weird
This was so mind opening thank you
the secret to small talk is to not small talk
The problem is that you might entertain small talk for a while, then when big talk time is finally there, you realize the other person is an idiot with no concrete idea of their own and/or very shallow reasoning ability.
As an autistic person this is very helpful
My problem with small talk is that i don't like doing it even with people close to me 💀💀💀💀
I want to know Who they are , their struggles, share who i am and my struggle, our stories values and ideas.
Thats the sad part... I really don't care about how you are good in this consumistic society. You travel? Idc.
You have learned something? Tell me.
You have a goal? Tell me.
You have a story important for you? Tell me.
Idgaf about you going to holiday... About your car, house. It's boring.
I liked the suggestions at the end about asking if they have a secret hobby or passion. I heard another one that goes "whats the most important lesson you've learned in life and who taught it to you". Does anyone have more conversation topics like these?
I like the phrase attributed to Charles Stewart:
"Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." 😅
Easy mode: find out what person is passionate about and you can relax as listening will be your main activity for a while...
I remember when i first watched one of your videos a few months ago when you had less than 20k subscribers and youve made crazy progress since then. Keep it up!!!
You mean smalltalk isn't a trap for the soul, ensnaring one in a mask? I'm open to consider it 🤔
"are you single? moving on" 😭
i had been single since 16 years of my birth 💀
am optimistic that a cute girl likes me back as she showed 5 green flags within one month of our friendship
I’m rooting for you 💯🫡
Bro you're 16 years old, it'll work out I promise. As long as you try to put yourself out there and talk to people genuinely something will happen, just recognise that girls are people too just like you. Come on son
@@user-ts1yw6ji2o like I gotta double comment bro, I know exactly how you feel, I was in the same position as you once where I genuinely thought I was unlovable. What would always make me better is, no offense, walking along the street and seeing two crackheads together holding hands - if they can find love then so can you. Work on yourself and success will come to you
@@mannyj.3317 sorry for late reply but tysm 👍
@@connorkapooh2002 praying for your success too 🙏
4:05 I asked her if she had a fairy godmother like Cinderella what would she want to do for that one night. Lead to a whole conversation about growing up as a child.
nice bro you nailed it... im the blah blah guy with no dad lol i spark conversation to avoid awkwardness or silence.
When i sit here listening to an old 61 year old rant about how shes old from 9am-5pm and the complain how she needs quiet. This doesn't work for me. This totally turned me off. I am fed up of rambling. lord SHAT uP.
Subscribed when lewis had 8k subs. Now we’re up to 122k?! Let’s go!
YOU'RE AN OG!
It's crazy, some of his old videos have 1k views, but his stuff is so good, he definitely deserves it! He's up to 171k subs 3 weeks later!
i see it more like exploring the map, looking for an interesting morsel to bite into
Just a beautiful presentation here. Loved this video.
UPD: Ah, yes, something like this is mentioned at the end of the video.
Those transitions into deeper conversations don’t have to be random either. Even the flight troubles, the greyness outside, or the knee pain ramblings can be gateways into something really fun and engaging, like weird but funny travel episodes, favourite kind of warm drink, or taking care of the body. Again, they don’t have to be perky and chirpy, but pivoting and weaving the conversation rather than dropping your topic on a person might work quite effectively