Why you can't find a partner
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- Опубліковано 26 жов 2021
- Repeatedly choosing unsuitable partners may not be a sign of one’s misfortune. We’re more likely to be making the same mistakes on purpose - because, secretly, we believe we’re unworthy of love.
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"There is a particular kind of person who is always - it seems - unlucky in love. Despite their best intentions and efforts, they seem to move from one unsatisfying candidate to another without ever being able to settle. One lover turned out to be secretly married to someone else, another - after an initial period of enthusiasm - never called back, a third turned out to be alcoholic and violent… We can only express sympathy for what seems like so much bad luck..."
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Produced in collaboration with:
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90% of the time I really enjoy being alone. You have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever. But the 10% that I wish I had someone hits me particularly hard.
True. But feeling that 10% in the context of a marriage would be no picnic, either. Everyone on the planet experiences that 10%, even children. It's not singledom that's causing it, it's being alive. It's the price we pay for the 90%.
@@camez2345 rightly said
Being miserable 10% of the time to enjoy the the rest of the 90% is pretty much as good as life can get. Congratulations for figuring out the path which makes you happier.
I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same way!!!
Imagine those gay men who go to bed with a women every night simply because of their FEAR to be alone is Too Much.
Not being able to find a partner is very different from finding many "partners" and continuing to fuck it up due to self destructive tendencies or preferences.
Couldnt agree more.
Right. It's not that I've only picked partners that don't appreciate me. I have never found partners at all!
Agreed. Where's the video for those of us who's literally nobody's first, second, or nth choice?
Yeah I would say this vid is more geared towards women
You're right
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Stephen Chbosky
this video hit home like no other ever has
I agree. Most of this feeling of unworthiness comes from our childhood imprinting, and School of Life has an excellent video on this called "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person".
I spent 12 years in a terrible relationship for just this reason. I'm with someone now who deeply loves me and, there are days I still have no idea how to react.
@@Parasaurolophus476 😌😌😌
Because is the will of God. Or a law of nature?
Though we do not receive the love we think we deserve sometimes
This is very interesting. A friend of mine was deeply in love with a girl who, unfortunately, had many insecurity and self-esteem problems (mainly because of the family environment in which she lived). In the end, the girl decided to break up with the guy despite the fact that she loved him too. I always explained to my friend that it is very difficult for someone who has never been loved to know how to give love. In the end, my friend met someone else and is now happy with her.
On the other hand, I think it is important to mention that it is not "mandatory" for someone to have a partner. I have found many people who ended up living single, and they are satisfied, they are happy having the love of their nephews, brothers, etc. It is very beautiful to find a partner, but there are also people who manage to find fulfillment being alone, and that is fine.
Thanks for the comment, I'm also very insecure and I don't know how to give love back (also related to familly environment), never had a partner and, honestly, I've been single my entire life. I can't say it's been easy for there is so much pressure to find a partner, but I've managed to live with that and it's been getting less hard to be single as I mature.
You make an excellent point. It is a wonderful thing to find the love of your life but not mandatory by any means. Fulfillment can be found in the love of family & friends..self love is also a factor. It shouldn't just be expected. Many a heart & life has been adversely affected by the attitude of simply choosing someone because you feel somehow deficient without a partner.
Thank you for commenting. It’s true that some single folks do enjoy a happy life.
I gave up being happy in 1997. Every relationship failed and since I was the only common denominator, I took myself out of the equation.
I may be miserable but at least I’m not falling apart at another failed relationship, and another, and another…
I'm an introvert with a lot of friends and family, I prefer to be alone most of the time and I'm happiest that way, I'm also very lucky to find romantic partners that feel the same way as I do. I may be alone but I'm far from lonely.
@@elizabeth2416 Exactly. I know a lot of messed up people who would rather be in very destructive relationships just so they are not alone.
Being alone doesn't mean being unhappy. Solitude has given me (and the history of philosophers certifies it) the happiest moments of my life. Finding a partner means to be the authentical 'you' with that other person. Remember, if you're alone and probably feel misunderstood, then there are millions of people like you. Be patient and enjoy your solitude in the meantime
I agree. I've been in a couple of shit relationships and each time I daresay I lost more and more of my authenticity with people. As if shoved aside and left forgotten within myself, a defense mechanism to avoid additionally deprecating myself.
Solitude has shown me that the process of repairing oneself is not impossible, even less inevitable, but a slow and lengthy process.
Edit: Typos
Wise words brother
This can be true but if you don't jump on the oppurtunity when a potential match presents themselves, you might be alone forever. Even if there are a million matches out there, there won't be a million chances to connect with these people. You might be benefited by being open and let people in or you'll be hurt but if you don't give it a chance you might never even know.
The "economy" demands you be miserable. Live convinced you are this raging social creature who will die the second you wander from the herd. There's few dollars in promoting solitude and independence. If you think this is harsh, so be it. Truth is it's true. Live because it honors yourself and respects that right in others.
@@johndough23 Well said.
Finding someone right for you is a combination of effort (taking risks and putting yourself out there) and pure luck.
I did that with this Austrian. They flirted and I flirted, I made poetry and draw her. In the end 2 years. She said one day. "Stop messaging me" that broke me. But at least that I expressed myself. But as you say risk. You shouldn't feel anxiety that who you like. Risk of what? That you have feelings too for people?
This society sucks and is apathetic.
Must have shit luck then…
@@Thegingerbreadm4n😞 same
@@Thegingerbreadm4nEither they're not interested in the first place or they leave after only a few months..
It's 100% pure luck. No amount of working on yourself will be a guarantee that you will find someone because what about many people who have not done the work but at least have someone?
I would love to see a video on how unhealthy the ''hookup culture'' is in relation to durable human connections. It's a jungle out there!
Someone said this in another video which I liked: "Having too much sex make you shallow, unable to value anything beyond physical attraction. It wires your brain differently."
Jungle to put it mildly!
It's a growing topic, but in 10 years people will be completely desperate because fear of missing out that fast date apps gave to people kinda broke our code and result will be crazy
@@erossutra4064 i think it's the total opposite, having too little sex causes this
@@maherjarrah2758 its about having sex with different partners and affects more in woman .
I love all the topics and issues y'all talk about but I feel like we don't talk enough about the animations of the videos !!! amazing and the artists are sooo talented!
Agreed!! The animations are amazing!
Alcohol blamed, frustration is the result, no respect for marriage, doubt about attractiveness, make people suffer🚩✅
I agree with you. Some of the animations spot on so much that give the message of the video a deeper meaning. I would love to be able to draw in digital format but I don't know at all. I'm used to the tradicional media. That doesn't implies that it's boring, it has its own magic.
yeees i wanted to comment about thiss
My first relationship was with a women who threatened to hurt herself if I left her. My second relationship I was cheated on. My last relationship I was told that I was broken and not loved. I am still healing, but hope to someday learn that I don’t deserve to be treated badly. Thank you School of Life, your videos help me so much.
@@Sk9999-jr1gx we do NOT accept the love we deserve… we accept the love we THINK we deserve. Big difference. People don’t deserve maltreatment, from themselves or others.
Often, when we haven’t been properly loved in childhood, we are programmed to believe we deserve that. Until we change our subconscious programming, we continue to live that out.
Every human is worthy (deserving) of love. It needs to start with self acceptance and connection. We can only give and accept, what we already contain within.
I hope you can heal your attachment style. That’s where we develop who we attract and what we tolerate.
Heal the core wounds, subconscious programming, and you’ll be able to connect with yourself, identify red flags easier, advocate assertively for what you truly want…needs,boundaries. Once you stop violating your own needs and boundaries, betraying yourself, you will no longer attract others who do the same.
I wrote a much better comment, but it was deleted 😬
I had shared some other channels that helped me heal my fearful avoidant attachment style.
Guess this channel isn’t supportive of that…makes me wonder if they truly want others helped…or want monopoly on that🤷♀️
I’ll try to list the incredibly helpful channels in a separate comment below and see what happens!
These channels also helped me
The Personal Development School
Alan Robarge
Therapy in a Nutshell
Eckhart Tolle
@@Sk9999-jr1gx "choose more wisely then"
Stfu
@@Sk9999-jr1gx ok…it’s a significant difference, so I felt it important to point out.
One statement can be extremely invalidating…the other is understanding of an erroneous belief system.
what about when you literally cannot find a partner? when you can't even find a bad one? when your feelings have not been returned even once?
Depends on the person so hard to tell
I thought this was what the video was going to be about 😕
@@kelest4215 nah, its about finding partners who treat you bad over and over again
Exactly, the title for this vid is a little misleading. It doesn't really help people like us.
@@user-yh1nb8ls4b I want to know about that too!!
I’m kinda fed up with the fact that some people can just blink once and they have a new BF and I can’t even find one. Glad to see that I’m not alone in this, although I think everyone deserves to be loved and not feel this way!
Your female you have endless choices and endless matches there's always a willing dude that's just a lame excuse im sorry.
I have to admit, it makes me wonder too. As a single guy, I can't find any interest at all.
Quality over quantity. They may easily attract partners but what is the quality of the relationships they’re involved in?
@@daryl9799 that’s really not true but ok
@@cryaboutit7499 Sorry but it is the odds are stacked in females favor for choice bottom line. Men always chase women thats just the way the world works.
I'll give you simpler reasons as for why I can't find a partner: few opportunities to socialize with new people and not finding potential partners in those occasions; interesting people seem to always be already taken; being considered unattractive by most; only receiving the attentions of people I find unattractive.
This video tries to make us feel agency over our sentimental life, but the truth is that we also need to be in the right spot at the right time, and that could not happen for a looong time. This leads to getting a little depressed, but guess what? Depressed people are less desirable, so there's also the risk of the problem getting worse if you don't constantly repeat yourself it's going to get better. As if it ever did...
Truth. Add on top of that the pessimism we're feeling in these times and over previous failed relationships and being in your 30s, and it just gets worse.
Even so, should I care about my own feelings that say something I can't 100% be sure of?
If I heard all the mean things my mind tells me at the worst time possible I would definitely have killed myself. Sometimes I choose to don't listen to that part that I already had tried to help but couldn't. If it can't be helped, and moreover, if it truly doesn't help me, the best I could do is to never listen that again.
I choose to accept that I don't know what will happen, it's neither keeping positive mindset nor allowing myself getting depressed.
I agree. This video never mentions how everybody sees sexuality differently and that also affects keeping a partner. And it doesn't address emotional responsibility. Most people my age I've met just won't bother even stop doing things that hurt me. So at one point you just wonder if it's really worth it... I'm happy taking platonic love from friends, pets, family, etc, if it means actually being able to communicate without being judged or even bored.
Yes, luck has a lot to do with it. I'm never in a situation where it's appropriate to flirt with someone or approach for a date, and most people around my age-range are already dating or taken as it is. Plus dating apps like Tinder are terrible and I don't want to go to the club or a bar which isn't the right place for a long term relationship anyway.
Then throw mental issues into that and the situation becomes even more hopeless. I'm on disability and medicated for bipolar schizoaffective disorder and have faced everything from rejection to outright accusations of being a mental and physical threat. No one wants to get to know the me behind the stigma of my condition.
"Moves from bad partner to bad partner"
Y'all can get partners at all?
Same lol 😂
Same 😂😆
Not at all! Good or bad!!
Hah, y'all please don't jump into a relationship with a bad partner, shit's been almost a year and it still haunts me
yeah the best I can manage is a hook up :(
Relationship status: waiting for a miracle 😂😂
😂😂😂
🤣🤣
Stealing this!!
Same I've tirelessly waiting and maybe I still suck at building a attraction.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 relatable
I am not ugly or. Weird or childish
I am as manyand bold Incan be
The title and the video are not related. You are talking about people who constantly end up with bad or wrong partners. This is really different than not being able to find a partner. There are a lot of people who would rather have wrong partners than not having partners at all.
As someone who has long periods of time where I have been alone and had bad partners. I much rather be alone. When you have a bad partner, you feel just as shitty or even worse and you have less time and money.
That is merely a narrow, pedantic or singular reading. An elevated IQ should have given you multiple interpretations. Pick the one that fits that also fits with the general thrust of this site. In this instance the indefinite article has confused you. Try not to be confuddled, or (even worserer) show that you have been discombobulated.
It's not completely inaccurate, but I see what you mean. I wanted to share this with someone but I felt the need to clarify that the video wasn't necessarily about what the title sounded like.
Then those people haven't had the "right" wrong partners, I guarantee you.
One might argue the signifier "partner" could've been used in the title to denote more than simply a lover, but someone who behaves in a partner-like way; who shows a behavior that is commonly expected from another you'd refer to as being your "partner".
This video hits right in my weak point. Thinking back, in 21 years of my life I have never been in a real relationship, because I chased after unrequited affections and was so so SO blind to the signs from those who actually showed interest in me.
Because you couldn't quite believe it could be real interest, right? And that feels unconfortable so you push the person away. I know the feeling. But you are still very young and have so many opportunities. I'm now almost 32 and I'm terrified I'm running out of time to have my first real relationship.
@@Ljounieh wow
@@Ljounieh its better than to have bad person in your life but you are smart to already know that.
I can relate...
You were unrequited too them I see.... hm. That's interesting. I've met a confessed beloved that has confessing their sins.... ☕ beloved by that other: Why were you so apathetic too that other that gave you affection? And made them feel guilt? Tell me.... beloved why did your nature strike them down with just you "nah" notion.... tat tat tat....
*"Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking." - Marcus Aurelius*
Not quite.
One need a family in last few years of his/her life. Family can not be produced out of thin air.
@@scorpian6013 We never really know when the last few years of our lives are.
@@juliusevola2801 mindset influences everything.
I worked in critical care and now am going back for degrees in neuroscience and psychology….the way we use our mind influences every aspect of our lives.
It is never a situation that causes us misery, but our perception/interpretation of it. The lens we look through (created by subconscious programming, core wounding, societal conditioning etc) creates out reality.
That’s why I could have one patient with a condition, who was positive, empowered, etc and another (with the same condition) be negative, despondent, and overwhelmed.
Emotional regulation, perspective, are things we can do something about…most of the time. Once a person sees their enormous self agency, their self imposed barriers drop away.
Limiting beliefs, cognitive distortions, biases, all keep people locked in a self made mental prison…they can learn to become free, through mindfulness (which is disciplined thinking).
Spoken by a F#CKING EMPEROR
I WISH EVERYONE WILL EXPERIENCE TRUE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN LIFE
I hope you do too. Though I honestly assume you probably already do or did
YESS! you too bestie
This aptly describes my ex. She couldn’t accept appreciation in any form. The disdain for herself was only matched by her propensity to push others away who showed her affection. Despite the pain of our relationship ending suddenly, I am grateful she took the initiative to say it’s over. Otherwise, I believe I would have continued to contrive the existence of a real and intimate partnership. In fact, it had been hollow nearly from the start. I realize now how desperate I was to have some kind of relationship, however artificial.
You sound quite mature to recognize your own hypothetical error in judgment. Good insight. I think it has been true for myself and I am struggling to accept it.
@@imonymous Thanks. It’s taken years for the dust to settle and really let it go. If you’re open to advice, practice compassion toward the part of yourself that acted on what was desired. A lot of the time, we only know something is a mistake after it’s happened. At that point we can recognize it was the situation that failed, not us as individuals. We were doing what we thought was right.
Maybe check codependency
@@abstract3213 exactly what I was going to comment
this comment hit home. my ex was exactly like this too. at first, it was hard for me to accept he ended things between us but later on i felt grateful that he did. it was an experience.
I have seen many couples who feel more alone than me living just with my dogs. It's all in the head and soul. The problem is many people only focus on their bodies and don't take care of their minds
People often want contradictory things: they want stability and risk; commitment and freedom for indulgence; familiar love and novelty. Most of the people I know have the opposite problem: they think they're entitled to receive more than they're willing to give--"I'm the prize!"
Nobody is the prize
@@rawfootage313 Yes, that's my point.
Nailed it. And "the prize" can be selfish and resentful, too. It's a bad situation to be in.
'' Better the devil you know than the devil you don't''
Thank you for posting this video. Honestly, I've struggled with this for years now and only now am I acknowledging it.
This video is a detailed explanation of "We accept the love we think we deserve"
And some of us don't deserve any love at all.
@@mofomartianp that's really harsh, and I disagree
I thought the same thing
Deserving’s got nothing to do with it.
I think the biggest reason why so many of us have a hard time finding the right one is not that the lot of us have had a particularly troubled childhood and rejects anyone nice. The problem is that so many have a hard time to fall in love. I think we live in the most narcissistic societies of all times, due to different reasons. Would really love it if TSOL would make a video about that.
Hey Carl, I'm interested to hear your opinion on why it is hard for us to fall in love? What do you think are the social reasons behind this?
@@LadyLitka I could give you a little list of things that I think constitute our inability to love. Things that makes us not SEE people. Our super positivistic society removes all negativity and hence makes it harder to FALL in love (this I think can easily be verified)! But I suggest you read The agony of Eros instead, it's 100x better than anything I can conclude.
But I can say, social media and the pornographication are important.
I think the notion of "The right one" doesn't help either.
Almost no one ends up with a person that they are 100% compatible with.
Hard work is what keeps them together.
@@caha9583 thank you so much, I will definitely read it!
Not forgetting that (until very recently) most societies ‘arranged’ marriages, so that the freedom to fall in and out of love or find a life partner was restricted. At least bad, loveless marriages could be blamed on the ‘arrangers’, these days we analyse, find fault, blame and turn in on ourselves.
This video is about all the partners I have had, who didn't value how great persons they were and prefered to destroy the relationship by distancing themselves from me, being cold everytime I tried to support them. I made up my mind, I am not here to be anyone's psychologist, I will be waiting until I can find a proper psychologically healthy person to walk by their side.
You can also view it as if the video is about you choosing self-hating partners. There's always a trend behind choosing partners and the best way to understand it is to understand one's self.
@@nagyesszep So true, I realized about it after my last experience. For some reason I have never had a romantic relationship with anyone with a healthy selfsteem, and until I figure out the reason I am remaining out of the dating scene.
@@JSRenow54 perhaps you have the need to want to help others? To fix people? Not trying to diagnose your issue but just throw out a common possibility
nagyesszep good point!
Maybe that's your spiritual path to help people
Oh wouldn't I just love to be in a situation, where I could reject one partner after another because of my own insecurities...
How inconsiderate of you... Just because you cant find partners, doesnt mean that those who can have it easy. We all have different probl-uh who am I kidding?!
too narrowly explained, the reality is far more complicated than "self-hatred"
This is a very short video for general audiences who might not have a basic understanding of psychology or the terms used in it. Nobody said this was the whole picture, but it is a very useful and practical way of thinking about this issue. If the only thing someone - who recognised themselves - takes away from this video is that "I should hate myself less" then this video has already done well.
YM agreed.
its hypergamy, pure and simple
It's a piece of the puzzle.
@@cindyluwho602003 Exactly.
There are two ways to not find a partner. The one this video talks about, which is by its nature more self destructive, in that you find partners but you are unable to cope with the love they provide you due to your own self image. The other type, a type myself and many others struggle with, is just not being able to find anyone interested in us at all. That is another type of not finding a partner, and it really sucks because in many ways, you can't do anything about it but wait and hope everyone is right and that somebody will come around, when nobody ever does.
I feel safe and relieved while reading the comment sections💜 I’ve had my first relationship back when I was 18 but broke up an hour before new year. Ever since then, I’ve decided to focus on myself and eventually to this day, I don’t have desire to have a partner. I’m 26 now. I’ve grown to love solitude and happy when I get to do stuff at my own pace with my own volition. Though I won’t lie, sometimes I feel the odd one for being single because most of my friends are either taken or married. My parents never pushed me and they always said you’ll meet him when the time comes. I guess I’ll continue to take my time and build happiness from within. Cheers to fellow singles out there🥂
Love how all the videos have happy endings...There is always hope to turn your life around I know this from experience
I have made the decision that I don't deserve to be treated badly for the rest of my life and I did it. I have to admit knowing how many people are feeling the same and how to root the cause of it helped me and that was through this channel. Thank you School of Life ♥
There's is much more than simply not being able to accept love.
There is: if you trust in that love... + you might need or have a different "language" in love.
Not that I think these are the most important but maybe what I struggle the most.
@@4MXW exactly! There could be some incompatible values and other issues.
Lacking confidence and fear of rejection.
I mean… yes that’s one of the reasons why someone can’t find a partner. But there are others. So many things can make it hard to maintain a relationship. Differences in lifestyles, perspectives or future plans, having to move, stress-induced problems, etc. Self-love is important but unfortunately, not always enough and it might take time to find someone that fits in all the right places!
@Arrival MLBB I mean... This is a romantic idea of relationships. Back in time, marriage system was based on property and heritage.
Beside that, you can still build a worth relationship with someone without the romantic part of it. The only point is that it's not the way we were brought up for in this time we live.
@Arrival MLBB that’s a very immature, superficial, socially conditioned belief. It has an infusion of cognitive distortion as well…really deeply examine why you believe as you do, who influenced you to believe that. Too many times we don’t question where/why we got our beliefs and just blindly take on beliefs that others influences us with. To actively make choices about what we believe we need to employ deep introspection, evaluation of multiple aspects and analyze if it fits our deepest needs and what we want to stand for.
Attraction is important…but I can tell you it’s not even close to the most important. As you grow and evolve, you find that what you find attractive can change.
Authenticity is often the most attractive thing…once you really love/accept yourself and want that for others too.
Self love is the absolute most powerful and important thing for a good, healthy relationship.
It is the root of who we attract. What we contain within is what we will attract. If that’s not in line, we will attract unhealthy people into our lives.
If we dismiss, ignore, minimize our own needs/boundaries (even in seemingly innocuous ways, like…not getting enough sleep, eating too much/not enough (or unhealthy), engaging in toxic social media habits, putting anything toxic in our body or mind (or around toxic people)), we will attract others who dismiss, ignore etc.
It took me decades to really, really get this.
Learning to know and love myself, has been the most transformative and empowering thing I’ve ever done and I wish someone had truly taught me it years and years ago.
When you love yourself, through healing childhood wounds (subconscious programming, core wounds, limiting beliefs etc) your ability to determine red flags in others improves. You advocate for yourself and won’t tolerate things that you would when you aren’t fully practicing self acceptance and love.
Self love is the foundation from which all other relationships can have hope to thrive.
It helps one to see clearly what they want, rule out toxic people much quicker. It is imperative.
Problem with making relationships work is people’s overexpectations, the shallowness that develops when you sleep around, lack of flexibility, poor communication skills, so incapable both of having true intimacy…
Sitting alone in a coffee shop and this notification comes up. Thanks guys 💀😂
Go talk to someone else in there that's alone.
Guy or girl.... Maybe you need practice on conversation?
Talk to them about what your doing, see what they say
@@Shortkonner there's literally just one elderly couple 💀💀💀
@@TristanWilliamsonMusic join them. All them their story. Hey practice being social. Maybe they are awesome. Maybe they are asshats babe. Only one way to find out
@@Shortkonner you called me babe so that's all the social validation I need for the rest of the year, thanks Jen x :)
I'll be thirty next year and most of my life I had a self esteem so low that the relationships I was ever in (only twice!) were ridiculously awful. I am done with that, and whilst enjoying my single life I keep hoping that eventually it will work out for me.
Thank you for this video.
Keep hope friend. I just turned 30 and had a relationship end a month before my birthday and am currently lost. She ended it suddenly and got with another guy a week later so I'm conflicted on if she cheated or not.
I have had no self love and my prospects for the future looked bleak
I think this runs a lot deeper than just how we see ourselves. Yes we may not like certain qualities of us but we aren't entirely self hating people who wishes to be treated badly. From the lense of Intergenerational trauma, we have an innate drive to repeat until we resolve. The way we resolve is not by logically or consciously choosing 'better' partners but by working through the tough partnerships consciously. Until we do that, we will most likely not find the internal resolve we need. And many may choose to be alone. There is a higher body intelligence at play here than top down choice making. If we do that forcefully, we are sure to get attracted to others and won't enjoy a deeper connection even if all looks okay on the outside.
Generational trauma puts the subconscious and central nervous system into fight or flight. Once you become aware of the cycles that need breaking, and you know that the relationships that cause you harm is something you never want to repeat again, is it still a subconscious choice when your relationships fail or when your partner hurts you? Is it still our fault that the people we choose to believe were only putting on a good show? Actors love a good audience, but I don't like the pretty masks anymore. I don't want this cycle repetition for myself...
this resonates beautifully, thank you
Exactly.
@@RageTastesLovely yes, it still is a subconscious choice, or at least a subconscious directive. Being aware of something wouldn't automatically change how you behave or what you need, emotionally; merely knowing can't change one's whole personality and being. Though to say it is "our" fault is also not entirely true... it's not by choice, but by design, that such situations are sought after.
Either way, I wish you good luck, mate.
"working through the tough partnerships consciously" What would that look like in practice? What's the desired result? I'm genuinely curious what you mean by that. I understand your argument that we might end up failing at a positive relationship if we simply force ourselves to commit to one because our subconscious might sabotage our efforts but isn't it easier to try and have a relationship with a supportive partner and work on our issues in this kind of environment? In this scenario we are already at our desired end point and all that's left is to learn and deal with our emotional issues (not that that's easy but I don't understand how staying with an emotionally abusive partner is supposed to help someone to deal with their issues, especially since the end goal (at least I assume) is not to stay with that partner but to move on to a more supportive and loving individual)
At this point in my life I am going through a similar realization. The fact that I always had lovers who hated me was purely because I hated myself and it was only because people saw through my art my inner beauty and appreciated me for it that I realized my own self worth. This video is pure gold
"One lover turned out to be married"
I've been in this situation twice. What the Hell's wrong with people?
Life is difficult. Marriages fall apart. Loneliness. That and sociopathy.
@@guiraus and people are just fucked up. We do stupid shit when we're fucked up (speaking from experience)
They want there cake and eat it too people are greedy bottom line.
People who are cowards that cannot face thier marital problems so they distract themselves elsewhere.
*To find love, meet people a lot and simply filter based on those who possess the 3 attributes I'll talk about shortly.* That's how to find love. Love depends on context. For love needed for serious relationship and marriage, I'll firstly talk about 3 attributes.
*What I have discovered make marriage marriage and serious relationship serious relationship* (that should lead to marriage, BTW). I have been able to concisely put them as 3 fundamental attributes the individuals must keep possessing to really great extents, which *are 1) growth, 2) responsibility and 3) accountability.* No matter what science, psychology and common sense say about human nature, don't go into marriage if you can't be about those aforementioned 3 attributes. Don't complicate other people's lives who have managed to keep working on themselves striving to be about those 3 attributes in preparation for serious relationship and marriage.
*So, if a partner truly loves you, it is that love that would drive them to keep possessing those aforementioned 3 attributes.*
You know, for the longest time I thought that I was attracting mean partners because I didn't love myself enough, and that was true to an extent. But it's not the whole story. There's something missing in this video. It's not just the self hating folks who attract toxic partners, it happens with pretty much everyone. And yess, we can make the argument that pretty much everyone hates themselves in some way or the other, but I don't feel it's quite that simple. Theres another force at work here and I will figure it out.
I agree, and I'm with you on this.
I think the missing ingredient is those people who are infatuated with us don’t really have self love themselves. We can sense that as well. Because we know we aren’t perfect because no one is. However, those partners are not willing to call us out on our ways that are bad in fear of losing us.. therefore we just walk all over them… I believe that is partly why we don’t like people who treat us well.
@@Hannhbanana Agreed. Often, partners who are too nice are also hiding their own insecurities, and that is unattractive, whether we like to admit to it or not. The odds of finding someone who is not totally emotionally unavailable/mean and at the same time not too infatuated with us are low. There is luck in this and the video makes it sound like it is all in your hands. It is not always the case.
Not true. The fact that you are not surrounded by any couples who have healthy relationships (yes they do exist) probably gives you a clue that you not only attract romantic partners who are toxic, but perhaps friends and acquaintances too.
A lot of it is subconscious. Ask yourself what you think you deserve in terms of how you are being treated by others. Sometimes people that attract and settle for people who are mean may subconsciously believe that they deserve to be treated that way, or at the very least they are attracted to familiarity since they've experienced that in the past. If you truly think you deserve better, whether you draw these people in or not, you won't end up settling for them anyway so it's a moot point.
Our assessment of ourselves will determine the kind of love we seek and long for.
“If we aren’t totally convinced with our own lovability, another person’s affections could be a bit unnerving”
The School of Life - Why nice People Are Scary
Very true, and relatable to attachment theory which stems from our childhood. For instance, fearful avoidant people have low self esteem and confidence. They yearn for love and intimacy, but are unable or refuse to be vulnerable because they don’t trust others, and also because they don’t believe they are worthy of it. Complicated but interesting.
The main reason I'm still single is that I constantly hear from my friends that they can't always do the things they would actually like to do due to their relationship. Because relationship is about compromise. I mean, I don't think that's sort of egoistic that I just want to live my life the way I want without asking anyone else
🙄
Well that sounds like they are dating shitting ppl lol. Dating someone who is controlling is just pure narcissism.
School of Life always has a video specific to what Im dealing at certain points of my life. This hit hard for me.
I was isuffering from low self esteem all my life. At 33, i had my first bf who turned out to be a narcissist and emotionally abusive. A week ago, i met a guy who is kind, respectful, loving and communicates well. He's everything i prayed for and more but i feel that I dont deserve to be treated nicely. I was so used to being abused since childhood that it was my default mode of relationship. I feel that i am not worthy. But he still keeps showering me with love and plans a future with me. He said it's a challenge for him to build my trust again. Im so happy i met him and watched this video. I will enjoy our dating stage and continue to value myself so that I can accept his love, the love that i truly deserved. ❤️❤️❤️
I will let your experience affect me in a positive and encouraging way. You just break the cycle! Give up the childish misunderstanding and let him Love you. You know you want it.
I'll keep believing that can happen here as well.
In a sense, that's why some people tend to keep to themselves. By keeping to themselves, they avoid the conflict they feel when someone approaches them with interest. They feel uncomfortable that someone sees them as having value. This video is amazing! Thank you.
thats an interesting way to look at it - however you left out all the childhood abuse that causes people like us to have no idea what real love looks like. Or how to nurture it or hold on to it if it were to actually cross our paths.
I think one of the scenes in the video (though it wasn't mentioned verbally) was a picture of a little girl being hit by a man's (presumably her father's) hand.
You can wallow in it and continue being miserable or you can open your eyes and get help. There are plenty of models of true love in the world and, probably, in your own life
Mateo I agree with you. I grew up in a toxic household with my parents stuck in an unhappy marriage but i had people in my life like my uncles and aunts who had a great relationship with their partners and it showed me the kind of love i wanted for myself and my future partner and here i am now with a man much better than my father ❤️
Because this channel is from self proclaimed therapists that project their opinion through their videos :D social media in a nutshell
THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS
"They still deserve a lot of sympathy, but not for the problem they have ostensibly complained about."
Such a beautiful phrasing and summary of the cause for many people's struggles: being unable or unwilling to see that whatever it is one is complaining about might be happening (partly) as a result of their own actions, consious or not.
@David Phillips I'm not saying they are to blame for something they have no control over, or that they are to blame at all. What i mean is that a lot of people, for various reasons, don't consider how they contribute to their own problems with actions they *do* have control over.
This opened a vulnerable door inside which I haven't shed a light on for some years. Having started a relationship these weeks I knew it would be inevitable that these feelings would arise. But observing these directly really made me understand myself and the other person a little bit more. I think we all should open up to ourselves and just let us be as pure as we are, before starting to think anything else (any unconstructive thoughts about what we deserve or not deserve)
I have been alone my whole life, never had a romantic partner. And I never enjoyed being alone. But if no one loves you, there is nothing you can do about it except be okay with it. And now it has been so long that, it has turned into solitude. Thought it feels good to be in your own company sometimes but, it's a very very isolating experience, to be rejected by every single person you ever tried to be friends with.
I’ve been wondering this for 20 years homie
People are settling down later in life. My sister in law and brother both got married in their 30s
And this is not the answer for me aswell
Im right here homie 😏
You alright king?
90% chance that the reason is your looks incl. height and other appearance factors like your weight and stuff like that.
To the *incredible person* that's seeing this, I wish you all the best in life❤ don't ever blame yourself, accept things and go forward. Your smile is precious and the keys to a happy life is in your hands.
none of that is true.
This hit home. We are a reflection of the people with whom we choose to associate deeply and vice versa.
Tolerating treatment less than we deserve is telling of a) the treatment we think we deserve, and b) a pattern we have grown familiar with and, oddly, inclined. Familiarity does have that strange sense of comfort, even if it is not good for our well-being. For example, if we are used to growing intimate with people who refuse to communicate then we will most likely find the same characteristic in the next person. The challenge, then, is to be more mindful of these patterns so we spare ourselves from any vicious cycle that limits kindness and love toward ourselves.
Attachment theory people…choose energy that chooses you, communicate, and don’t win fights just compromise and make sure you and your partner feel heard and safe.
I never had the capacity for intimate romantic relationships. Never have I understood how people actually decide they're in love? One things that always escaped me was this "chemistry" thing. That's a complete mystery to me and I have no idea how it happens. How do you come to realize it's chemistry? Honestly, I've never felt anything I would describe as chemistry. When I was dating, I only got to a second date once in my life. The last date I had was in 2005 when I gave it up permanently. It's no longer a going concern for me and I rarely dwell on it. I sum it up this way: there were some things in life I got right, and some things I didn't. Life goes on.
I'm glad I've stopped making the same mistake of accepting partners who don't give me respect and loyalty. I'm so much happier alone because I've learned what self-worth and self-respect is. I also realised I had a lot of co-dependency issues. I think everyone needs to figure out themselves before jumping into relationships and hoping another person will be the key to happiness. That sort of love won't last long so you should only rely on yourself for that. And if you find someone who can add to your life and happiness, then you've found the right one.
The video is 100% on par. I also think it’s tougher for those of us that are comfortable being alone. It’s not about needing someone but more so finding that person that makes being alone seem less preferable.
Oh my goodness. I did not expect to learn so much from this video. I think there is so much truth to to this video. I totally recognize these behaviors in many people. I agree that most the reason most people can't find a partner who treats them nice is because from our childhood, that we are owed punishment. Great video!!
I love this channel so much.Ever since I found it,I just keep binge watching.The animations are soo creative and cool.Real advice.Thanks. Keep it up.👍
This was astonishingly thoughtful. Sadly what people also don't take into consideration is what their choises in a partner mean for those who get rejected or even those who don't get the chance to even apporach and be taken into consideration. They have to assume that their value is below that of the chosen partner, thereby hurting their perception of their self worth, making them doubt that showing kindness is valued as well as making them sad and in some cases bitter or even leading to self harm.
These videos and classes are really hitting home for me right now. I am taking notes, literally. Thank you guys. This is wonderful.
It's difficult not to become bitter if the framing is about the person who can't like what they want pleasing others who don't need more enjoyment.
"Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love." 💞
_Brené Brown.
May you find love, and more importanrly, be strong to walk away from what love isn't!
Love comes in many shapes and forms, it doesn't always have to be romantic love. And that is OK too.
Every girl i have ever loved in my life has been incapable of loving me back. I have gone through this my whole life. Why do i have these feelings if i can't share them with anyone? I think life would be better if was never born. I wish to be gone from this world. I'm so tired of never having my heartfelt feelings returned.
It's almost the same for me. Each time I fell in love the guy doesn't love me back and wants to be friends... I know it's tiring and painful but take your time and focus on yourself. Just because they don't love you doesn't mean you don't deserve love . All the best :)
Every dog has its days. Learn who you are and wait for this day to come. 🤗
The dating and relationship game can be great or brutal, superficial, and loaded with personal drama causing baggage. When I've been discouraged I try to remember those I rejected or never even gave a chance. Seeing it from their point of view helps me remember we are all generally playing by the same rules. We all can arbitrarily decide to pursue someone or reject someone's interest based sometimes on purely superficial reasons. Yes some people have great looks or money but most of us are in the middle I think. I really hope you stay in life. Things can really change in a short span of time and before you know it you may even be angry at yourself for ever letting the bad feeling get so serious. Take care, fellow traveler.
I hear you, friend! Word by word. The same happens to me everytime. It's exhausting but I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe your insecurities lead you to chose partners that aren't willing to give the love you need, like the video says. Don't give up, we can get through this .
@@Ljounieh Thanks for your words, but i never even got to date or be acknowledged in a romantic way by someone I liked. If I had gotten to be partners with any one of these girls/women I could at least be thankful for the fact that i was able to have been with them for however brief a time we were together. I appreciate your words, but I fear there is something terribly wrong with me, and I don't think life has much meaning or worth anymore. I have tried to keep a brave face and I've had the can-do attitude my whole life, but i finally realized how futile that all is. I may be smiling on the outside but no one knew i was really crying within... Sorry... but I just don't want to do this anymore. The answer can't always be no. Can it?
Wow. We will end up with someone who thinks of us the way we think of ourselves. It makes total sense. I am becoming a new person and will continue to work on it, thank you so much school of life
What about just not being physically attracted to the ones who like you
And not even just not physically. We're not obligated to give everyone who's nice to us a chance, any more than we don't become friends with every single person at work, or become buddies with every single one of our neighbors.
There's been so much talk in the past decade or so about how "women always choose the bad boy over the nice guy," as if being not an overt asshole is the only requisite men need to fulfill in order to be partner material. Overly nice and accommodating people can be and often are as unhealthy as jerks; it's just a different neurosis.
That means you have to put in more of and effort to make yourself attractive to the ones you are attracted to. Or find someone who's almost there and help them by suggesting a better way to dress or do their hair. Just a couple ideas that came to mind.
Honestly I found out that I liked different body types and kind of people when dating those who at the time I didn’t find the most attractive (but instead loved them for who they were). Sometimes you don’t actually know what you want until you have it imo so be open minded, not careless, but open minded
what u find physically attractive isnt hard coded or fixed, nor can physical and other parts of attraction be neatly disaggregated
@@rexiioper6920 You’re right
This video came righr on time! Last week I made a list of men I gravate to vs men that I run from. Right in alignment with this video. This helps so muchh
I think this explanation covers a percentage of the cases, but I would contend that there are different alternative explanations and that it all doesn’t boil down to “I don’t deserve it”
The more accurate title to this video would be "Why you will choose the wrong partner" or "Why do we sabotage relationships". It's not about being unable to get into a relationship in the first place. That's a whole different can of worms, though to be fair there is some overlap.
I think this definitely hearkens back to the idea that we need to be able to love ourselves first in order to properly love others. Some people because of where they grew up were never treated with love, therefore they were never taught how to love (oneself and others) nor how to accept/receive other people's love, and so any attempt at a loving relationship will be doomed to fail until the root cause has been thoroughly explored and addressed.
This has reaffirmed my belief that we need to be in a _secure_ mindset in terms of attachment styles (not avoidant or anxious) before attempting a relationship with another person and this has to be mutual, for it won't work if it only applies to one partner.
True, though one might argue the signifier "partner" could've been used in the title to denote more than simply a lover, but someone who behaves in a partner-like way; who shows a behavior that is commonly expected from another you'd refer to as being your "partner".
But either way, I agree completely with everything you've said. If a person is not sure about being in a relationship, or how to handle one, for whatever reason it may be, it'd quickly turn torturous for one or both partners.
No, it is just a myth that one has to love oneself before being able to be loved or love. It can be more uplifting to receive love from someone else than to try to "love yourself" if you have a bad self image.
SoL's founder, Alain de Boton, has a video on here called, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person." Check it out
@@caha9583 The argument the author was making is that if one doesn't love themselves then even if someone else gives them love they may not be able to accept it, because they don't think they deserve it. But if you love yourself you know that you are indeed deserving of love, therefore when somebody chooses to love you then you're able to fully embrace it.
@@camez2345 Yes, I'm aware. Thanks for mentioning it.
This is so true, finally there a person who speaks my mind, I think it's true for other kinds of relationship. Thanksfully, I've overcome my own trap. We all deserve kindness and love, people.
Damn that explains so much... My first girlfriend was in a really dark place when we met. I helped her get out of it and got her into my friendgroup. Always treated her kindly and complimented her. Got in 2 fights in a relationship of 18 months. After a while she became less and less affectionate. To which I responded with being even nicer because I thought it had to do with me. Which drove her to act even more unbearable. When I stood up for myself and broke up because I wasn't happy with how she acted after the 2 chances I gave her to change. I was still kind to her and tried to be a friend for her which ultimately led to her now having a relationship with the previously mentioned best friend which I introduced to her in the first place to get her out of her depressive episodes.... This really screwed me up. But I guess I understand a bit better now :\
The sad thing is that he in fact uses a lot of drugs and she kind off turned into a less desirable person. I guess she finally got what she thought she deserved :(
Wow. This is spot on. I lost an amazing relationship for this reason.
I watched this video before and I remember saving it to a playlist because it really resonated. I decided to rewatch it today, and it’s crazy but I finally feel like I love myself. It’s so crazy to think about, because it didn’t happen overnight at all. But I kept working on it because I was so tired of feeling worthless and misunderstood. It’s not something you really notice when it happens either, until you see a video like this or even when you see yourself treat yourself and others differently in a situation where you would’ve ended up feeling worthless before. But there’s hope. Like seriously, I’m at a point where I can admit my faults and still love myself. Just work on it. Do your affirmations, tell yourself you love yourself EVEN if you don’t believe it yet. You are worthy. It will happen. I love u.
I have loved these videos for so long but I must say that this is one of the best from an animation standpoint, and quite deep as well. I don’t think it’s untrue that some people are boring, I think because they aren’t that interested in too many things, but I understand the point of the video.
This video is a half truth. I'm proud of myself and happy of the person I've become. I have yet to find someone who feels the same about themselves.
I can’t find a partner because i don’t even try, since I know I’m probably going to get rejected. I’ve been made to feel like a reject my whole life so my mind has been conditioned that way.
Me too, friend. I understand completely. I put it off for years but now I regret it because I feel I'm getting too old to find anyone if I don't change how I see myself.
rejects unite
This channel is always speaking to my soul when it uploads 😭
This is so true. I'm kind of scared of "healthy" people. I feel almost sick and dissgusted by them. I feel not good enough, not loveable. I'm scared they will find something dissgusting in me and will leave me eventually. 😔🤧 I want to overcome those feelings and thoughts. They dont serve me anymore. They just make me stay isolated and alone. 💔♥️
I’m gonna be honest. This is for romantic relationships, but this also applies to platonic relationships and relationships with concepts
I think when finding a partner you should be able to enjoy their company better than being alone that’s if you’re already happy by yourself
these videos are always so thought-provoking and insightful!
This spoke VOLUMES to me. It was actually painful to watch. Kindness and affection usually seem fake to me and I stopped dating a guy a few days ago just because I was feeling that he was getting involved and I, surprisingly, too. But it is stronger than me, can't help it. I can only hope that the right person will not be able to let me go so easily
This stings harder than it should.
I been single for 5 years now. I haven't ran upon the right man yet and during these 5 years I've found myself and I love myself. I found out my favorite hobbies and doing the things that I love gave me fulfillment. I don't have to wakeup to arguments or nobody bossing me around telling me what to do or nobody trying to bring down my self esteem. I do have a few insecurities that I'm aware of and I'm working on that. I've been the most happiest being single than being in a relationship which is probably why God is making me wait for so long. I was able to see why my past relationships didn't work and take accountability on my part because I'm not perfect and it takes 2 people to make the relationship work. Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high or not. I have to pray about that.
thanks to the School of Life...this video makes great sense after you see it a couple of times because the subject if hard to accept in our lives...thanks with this kind of little suffering and acceptance we can really improve and find those candidates that can treat us well instead of those toxic ones we searched for in the past
For all our many yet utterly normal flaws, we don’t deserve to be treated badly for the rest of our lives.
Thank you so muchhhhhhhhh ❤❤❤
Remember, love is and always will be conditional.
love is not necessarily conditional. however, relationships are - which is a good thing.
what a depressing outlook
@@rexiioper6920, and realistic.
@@rexiioper6920 it's true. There is no such thing as unconditional love.
you are simply stating that you don't know what love is that's all.
...or maybe you met a person that just broke up with someone else and you are just someone they can see while they are on the rebound.. or you meet someone who is fickle and can not make up her mind...or you get involved with someone who is still in a relationship and they hid it from you....or you get lucky when they dump you after they find out you don't have as much money as they thought, or when they drink they become a crazy person and you overlooked it in the beginning because the sex was insane,,,. Breaking up because they loved me too much is a new one on me.
I agree!
Literally shedding tears in front of this video right now, hitting very close
As a person who gets revolted when people give me compliments and and show interest in me, being alone is truly important, I have begun to fall in love with myself, shed light on the parts of me I’d kept in the dark for so long. It hasn’t happened to me yet but I know it’ll happen when I’m fully healed, when I know who I am and I love that person. The universe is on your side.
Well, this came in the right time... I loved a girl like that not much time ago. One day she just stopped talking and it broke me apart, but I understood it wasn't because of me.
It's really hard not taking things personal in the topic of love, but it really isn't.
bruv im going through something similar.. its not your fault..gotta love yourself more and pick better women..once you know you deserve more you wont settle for less..even if shes really cute
@@mike0800000 logically I know is not my fault but feelings are hurted anyway
maybe she wasnt attracted to you and realized she was leading you on . its not always like what this video is showing for women . i can tell you most of the time they arent attracted enough to you . men are more likely to do the things shown in this video to women .
I want to cry, man. I just wish she would talk to me so I can show her my charity, my affections and give her everything that we can share together. But she is going through so much on her own, and doesn't desire my companionship anymore.
Others have already said, but this video is about how a lack of self love means pushing away those who shower positives on you and not how social media, TV and dating sites have changed the face of romance and left many with an over abundance of choice and a dopamine dependency.
I feel that's a different story and something people would benefit from insight on
Im literally crying. This has been on my mind for so long. I never could share it. I felt shame for sharing it because i myself feel so sad when the selft hating words leave my mouth. I feel so sorry for myself. This video made me feel so valid. I have never persuade a crush because i think why would they ever like someone like me. Im glad i clicked and saw it. I feel better.
Regardless of why I “can’t” find a partner… here is what I know: I am on my way and travelling to a place where I will meet with someone who will love me and whom I will love. I have faith in this and, beyond time & space, it’s just a matter of being prepared to appreciate them and be receptive to their appreciation. They DO exist and our meeting WILL take place. (This particular life, this here & now, is not the place for impatience.)
Patience is so painful especially dealing with sexual frustration and never had an experience being in a real relationship before with a particular woman.
@@christiansnaturestudio6599 truth spoken. Im 24 and i have 0 dates, 0 relationships and 0 kids because girls are blinded by looks and money. I tried to get to know them, but they never gave me the time of day. Also they lied to me which is why i cant trust them. I cant do it no more, its all pointless and meaningless. I always believed no real good honest women ever existed.
Because I'm not searching for one?
This video is so pretty and precious in many ways... Thank you, School of Life!
This has been a really great help in seeing a better perspective
As a psychotherapist, I’ve experienced this in so many clients’ stories….It’s almost a cliche but it’s so true.Good upload. Basically, if it’s love and companionship you’re looking for, learn how to love yourselves first. Whatever you put out there is what you’ll eventually receive.
Can't agree with this more. Fall in love with yourself and then only after that let someone fall in love with you. Be true and authentic to yourself, only then can you find "true love".
Most of us are gonna end up alone.
@@mofomartianp Yes, many will but it doesn’t have to be that way. You see people today are so conditioned into thinking that all the perfect couples they see on social media and movies are actually real that they go out in the world looking for that “perfectness” so they end up crashing again and again. Or they’re self esteem drops so much through constant exposure to other peoples’ “perfect” lives that they give up trying to be with someone all together! But real reality is totally different! Stop thinking of fictional perfection and re-learn real you , real others and real relationships! With flaws , with ugliness with imperfections….you may end up in great companionship that way. Get “real”
I'm put my self out there and then I got burnt out from rejections throughout last year
I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm a gay man at the age of 32. I'm losing what little pieces of hope I have left... I really hope the dream I have within me ever since I've known myself doesn't just fade away. It must hold a meaning that I have this calling...
Come on. I’m 31. I believe life is just beginning right now. 20s as I remember it now, were dull and very tiring. Now is far better.
Didn't know I needed this. Thank you
The fact that me and my therapist LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT THIS TODAY?!?? we project our insecurities onto others and/or retreat back to what we find comfort in (relations in which we are mistreated) when you are not used to the other side of the spectrum. We all deserve a healthy, encouraging, loving partner, EVERY PERSON. We need to find the greatness in ourselves and what we have to offer. (Something I struggle is pushing people away because I feel like I don’t add value to their lives) overall we all bring new ideas and perspectives to every relationship and that is VALUABLE.
I feel that if we can't be with ourselves we can't be with anyone else. We will be disappointed in everyone else. It will never be enough. 😔