On Black Men, Vulnerability + Tenderness, Interview w/ Kiese Laymon | @Jouelzy
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- Опубліковано 19 сер 2021
- Heavy by Kiese Laymon jouz.es/heavy
SBG Syllabus for Heavy by Bry Reed bit.ly/heavy-syb
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**Q+A Timestamps 💬**
07:18 How was the experience writing Heavy different from your writing journey with Long Division and How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America?
09:03 In the beginning of the book, you express that you wanted to write a lie, however you beautifully told an honest black experience that felt very familiar. At any point during the process of writing did you find yourself starting to veer from writing the truth in its rawness and have to course correct?
13:31 How many books do you have unpublished or half written stashed away?
13:05 What parts of the book did your mother suggest you change?
15:45 How did you go about initiating these hard conversations with people (specifically mom). It feels like in the Black community any sort of sticking up for yourself is disrespect.
23:48 How are you currently practicing vulnerability?
24:35 Did Kiese ever attend therapy? If he did, before or after writing the book?
27:26 Oftentimes when people share vulnerable and intimate details of their life with me they apologize for it being heavy. I usually tell them it’s heavy because you are trying to carry it alone. After revealing so many truths and unburdening the lies you have held for years, do you feel less heavy? What steps are you taking to make sure that you aren’t picking back up the weight of lies again?
33:17 “Heavy” really dares the reader to be honest with ourselves and those in our lives. With such a vulnerable memoir that really exposes a lot about you and the intimate details of your life, were there consequences to having that honesty and vulnerability displayed to such a wide audience? How did you manage through the consequences and practice self care during the book tour, interviews, and just daily life?
34:42 Have any of the unnamed white people in the book (ex - the students who sent racist letters after you wrote the article for your school paper) reached out to you?
36:17 How has this memoir affected your personal life in meeting new people and reengaging with people whom you may have lost contact with?
38:30 Did you feel the need to change the characters' names?
38:00 In your opinion, was the absence of your father the primary motivator for your womanist-leaning viewpoints, or were there other factors at play?
39:57 How would you describe your relationship with your body and food today?
41:13 Eating disorders and body dysmorphia are often considered a white women’s problem. Heavy really challenges the notion that mental crisis and trauma can be exhibited in black people in the form of disordered eating and body dysmorphia. How does fat phobia and anti blackness work together against black people getting the care they deserve and need?
44:22 Do you think there will ever be an evolution in black male masculinity?
45:22 What are his thoughts on Black Men & expressing vulnerability?
49:24 As a cisgender black man who has had f boy tendencies in his past, what suggestions does he have for black men who are struggling to cultivate healthy relationships?
51:47 Throughout the book you discuss your journey into a Black feminist politic, but your last relationship with a woman in the book, Flora, ends with you telling her a lie that she does not forgive you for, after attending a rally for Black women. Black feminism teaches that the personal is political. Have you since been able to make that commitment and do you have advice for Black men who falter in this area?
56:27 What is his current relationship with his mother? Has it improved since the release of the book?
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Black women have a biological predisposition to misandry because they are more masculine and therefore compete against the men for the woman in their own families. If any woman pushing femininity on you that means she's nonheterosexual and so that's not even our women
Damn I wish I knew who this brother was a minute ago!
I swear I'm so mad that brothers like this don't have market share in these streets. Thank you for putting this out here!
I sent Kiese your video on Real Love. Heavy's film option was bought by Issa Rae, so we may see a TV series or film in the next couple of years.
@@jouelzy I could cry!
Thank you so much for that! Brothers got so much work to do we gotta amplify each other. A show with the Insecure team sounds like a fever dream.
@@OBSJake That homophobia is eating you alive! Lmfao...Seek some help for real!
His response to how he was (not) enacting self-care on tour reminds me of summer walkers issues on tour
Thank you.
tay???
I loved this and I agreed with him on black men feeling vulnerable and toxic masculinity being rooted in the feelings of vulnerability.
Two things resonated deeply with me - 1) his explanation on the difference between truth and honesty and 2) if we as our present selves show up in our fantasies. This was a lovely conversation, and I can't wait to read Heavy!
He literally taught me something about signs or signals of when a man or black man is experiencing vulnerability. As a black woman I tend to look for instead of pay attention to the signs and or signals. The question I’m asking myself is, do see my black men. I appreciate this video so much. ❤️
Just in time. I just finished reading his essay in You are Your Best Thing. I love me some Kiese Laymon. His writing is appreciated 💕
I liked this interview.
I've always believed, people go through alot, alot of people who are innocent go through alot more. There needs to be a time for men women children to lament. Men are told "Big Boys don't cry/men shouldn't cry". I truly honestly believe this is a false image and that men also hurt too and they should cry when the need arises. Those who cannot show love, should also not be entertaining women, unless they're of the same ilk.
Straight cold-hearted people should go and live where the sun doesn't shine too long i.e. Antarctica. Wanna be cold go and live in the cold! Leave people with a heart and feelings to enjoy the sunshine and life in peace (figuratively and literally)!
Good interview. He still seemed shy, cool, so long as he isn't deliberately hurting someone with that. We as a people go through ALOT ALOT ALOT! We NEED to have and put in the healing recuperation and restoration work and time! I love the fact he saw a problem and dealt with it DIRECTLY, OPENLY with where he felt it stemmed from. He a Man who KNOWS & Isn't afraid to use things not people. Manhood 10000001! ❤
I'm having a husband. Because the most High one has granted me that, direct and clean from the Ether. Having 7 brothers, growing nieces and nephews and platonic male friends who KNOW I'm the female, who have seen me in love with some1 and in love with self when alone, entitles and provides me the opportunity of being able to love and care for another with correct conditions in place, capably well.
Free love sometimes aka frivolous sex IS NOT for all of us! And can cause rage in some women, IJS!
Peace
Whew I wished this was another interview with him cuz I was hooked after watching this when it first dropped. Soooo good!
I could totally watch them dialogue all day and his book was such a worthy read.
He has other interviews on UA-cam
Jouelzy, your make-up is on fleek! You look so beautiful! Thank you for this very honest conversation! xxx
The connection that he made between a culturally competent therapist and a historian though 👏
This was so good. Jouelzy you looked absolutely beautiful. That was a refreshing conversation. Now I need the book. More of this. Honesty and reciprocity are rare in relationships - you’ve done for me what I needed, which is to help me manage my expectations around this. Thank you
Love you talks with Kiese. Didn't know this interview was coming but so glad it's here. I honestly love Heavy and recommend it to every single person.
This was so good. I don't identify with Black Feminism anymore but I appreciated the final exchange a lot. Thanks for this conversation. And your makeup is so gorgeous btw
Really why don’t you identify ?
@@kilecan I want to know too
@@dthomas1839 I know. It’s been crickets. She might have joined the fem… ty crowd
I identify with white feminism black feminism... but its like religion many of the views i believe in some I leave behind
This was such a good interview! I loved how you guys laughed together. The questions were really thought provoking. And it made me happy when he said he felt more comfortable in this interview than in any other
I've watched this one multiple times. Love it!
I also just finished reading long division. I see what he means when he said he was trying to heavy when he was writing long division. I still enjoyed it a lot
Webster defines Vulnerability:
"The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally."
Kiese is using the Webster definition of being EXPOSED to a threat (which he says black men are all the time - hence always vulnerable) // Jouelzy is defining vulnerability as A HEALTHY REACTION to the state of being exposed (which she infers black men don't often have).
I think Jouelzy's definition is a more new-age interpretation of vulnerability where one ACTIVELY exposes themselves to the possibility of being hurt by CHOOSING to be open & honest.
Keise is defining it traditionally as just being EXPOSED in the first place.
For example:
Jouelzy (I think) is arguing vulnerability is ACTIVELY SAYING: Hey everybody, I'm scared right now
Keise is saying the fact that I'm scared right now ~ is proof that I'm vulnerable.
Ahhhh!! This is a great explanation! I totally agree
This type of breakdown is needed so often in day to day conversations and larger scale ones such as this. I often interrupt my own personal convos asking how a person(s) is defining smthg we’re engaging around. I love that they were able to agree to disagree in a sense about how they were approaching the definition. His humility in this how conversation was soooooo refreshing to see in a black man.
This was such a great conversation.
Such an important conversation. Thank you for this, sis.
This is one of your best interviews! Loved hearing what Kiese had to say.
Wow that conversation though! Beautiful to watch and listen to.
I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation and plan on reading the book next
Jouelzy baby ❤️! I love heavy and the interview and how open he was.
You right! This was a dope ass conversation! I’m moving Heavy further up my TBR list
I’m definitely reading this book. I’m so excited.
This is a great conversation. WOW. thank you. Compassion, Accountability and Spiritual Integrity.
I enjoyed this conversation!❤
I love this book and this conversation.
Thoroughly enjoyed this interview. Will be purchasing the book on audible
Excellent interview, definitely ordering be back when I read it!
Amazingggggg interview
This was such an interesting conversation! When it came to the conversation about vulnerability you guys were just using different definitions... He was talking about the feeling of fearing vulnerability whereas you guys were talking about the act of embracing it without shame
Wow this was so good. I miss reading so much but teaching is really taking my time. Def going to go back this summer and catch up.
this was amazing, I need to read him book!
I enjoyed this conversation.
Such a good interview❤️
Beautiful discussion.
The people running away from "bad parent" had me juxtaposing how white people run away from "racist" lol but man do both run hard 😆
Happy Friday!
Great Conversation 👍🏾
Ugh the way I loved Heavy, such a great book!
So good. So good.
Throughout the video I just wish he would stop down playing his insight, intelligence and reach great interview
There ARE nonverbal cues of vulnerability… I understand
he is so brave to bare everything on this platform. he made such a good point about allowing others access to his life because they support him. what gives us the right to even dig into his life anymore than what he already gave us? not to say i wasn’t curious, but it’s almost as if his lies are to protect his boundaries.
Would you ever do "Belly of the Beast: The Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness" by Da'Shaun Harrison?
Thisssss!👏🏿👏🏿
Bitch you got to speak with Kise!!!!! Omg heavy is my everything
Thanks for doing this work guys, I really enjoyed listening to your convo. It's always nice to hear the Black mens perspective that isn't rooted in domination and toxicity. Great work guys.
Such a great interview, but these deep, heavy topics are tough to digest, especially on something so... Hmm, shrouded? So unknown? So nebulous? Whatever, they are tough to digest as a black man in his early 30s. But I'll be damned if I don't appreciate it and love y'all for making this kind of content that gives me the bare minimum basis to learn more and where to go to find that. For real, thank you
This was my favorite interview after Ms. Patricia's.
I really enjoyed this interview. I'm grateful that we're acknowledging how parenting is what ruined so many Black men for dating. I know too many Black men who can tell you about a time they were punched by their mother. Damn near everyone has a story about being cursed out like they were a stranger on the streets. We also have to look at how many of of the parents of Black millennials were incarcerated, teenagers, and/crack addicts. What I am grateful for is seeing how many of these parents are now making a better effort as grandparents and although the child birth rate has gone down with Gen Y and Z, most of the people I know with children are actually trying to raise their kids in a way that isn't harmful. Most of us aren't hitting our children, yelling at and or cursing out toddlers. That gives me hope for the future of our community.
Our dating? I really think between parenting, dating apps, and online communities like MGTOW, leveling up, etc are really doing and have done a disservice to us. People just aren't trying to come together like they have done previously. It's a shame how many won't see a therapist to get much needed healing and in some cases medication.
Also buying that Toni Morrison shirt and gifting it to a couple people.
Came back to say Kiese Layman's Long Division needs to become as movie
vulnerability vs insecurity
❤❤❤
Intelligent and breathtakingly beautiful
Hi! Love your commentary! I can’t find you on IG, did your name change?
We're creatures of habit, habits form with time and consistency. The bad ones had the time and consistency, the good ones are gonna need the same. The real difference is usually being deliberate. Being deliberate constantly for an extended period of time is work.
Even I as a woman have not gotten comfortable with men showing affection to another male that is not their son, father or any other blood relative. Men who are too sensitive and in touch with their emotions make me uncomfortable and I am not comfortable with seeing men cry if it’s not related to grief or their child or close loved one experiencing a traumatic event. If a man cries, it has to be for a good reason.
Our cultural programming, as long as a woman or man isn't using tears for emotional manipulation - it's fair game. But I do understand some people's discomfort when it is not a norm, to be honest anyone crying gets uncomfortable 😅😅
Truth or lies, you can honestly believe either.
This was good I think he misused vulnerable for insecurity but I got him
These are interchangeable? When I feel insecure I am also feeling emotionally vulnerable - seeking validation, empathy, respect or recognition.
@@yellowsun.1776 kinda but one is more specific and accurate descriptor
Let me get my drink
Clink clink clinkkkk
Hey Joulzey what was the book you mentioned at 53:51?
i think she said the author is aaronette white and the book is "ain't i a feminist?"
This was a great interview. Even though the discussion centered cis-men, I also relate to as a queer, male-assumed person. So much of those same tendencies create problems for gay, bisexual, trans, queer and non-binary black people who carry unhealed wounds by (toxic) masculinity, myself included.
The conversation on lying is a topic worth pursuing further. I feel like he couldn’t clearly vocalize why he feels the need to lie and I didn’t quite see the connection between being an American and also being a liar.
Oh I disagree, he has the language to clarify himself. He just didn’t. That could have been intentional.
I think because we are so driven by capitalism in our country, we tend to be inauthentic to our true passions and goals in pursuit of the "American dream." And due to the inherent inequity we face as black people, how many of us can afford to be honest about who truly desire to be when we caught in survival mode? For men, the pressure of conforming to traditional American masculinity and patriarchy handicaps their full self expression, so they are forced to live a lie with regard to their emotional experiences. So many possible layers to what he could have meant, just sharing possible views. And I agree with Tia that he definitely has the language for that discussion, and in many ways set the foundation for it, but possibly avoided it for this conversation due to time.
@@coachkrish she also didn’t really try to dig further or seem interested in knowing why. I thought it could have been pursued a bit more or at least tried to seem engaged with the idea of having to lie as seen from his perspective. But it may have also been edited. Who knows 🤷🏽♀️
Bomb interview. Joulzey looks beautiful. Just wish you would not cut off so much. It's not intentional just something I noticed.
Came just time"red pill" community is acting up on my timeline 😑 hopefully one of the four watch this video.
He doesn't sound like he's from the south to me
Does the lie detector pick up casual use of dehumanizing language? Asking for the culture.
Great interview!
Webster defines Vulnerability:
"The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally."
Kiese is using the Webster definition of being EXPOSED to a threat (which he says black men are all the time - hence always vulnerable) // Jouelzy is defining vulnerability as A HEALTHY REACTION to the state of being exposed (which she infers black men don't often have).
I think Jouelzy's definition is a more new-age interpretation of vulnerability where one ACTIVELY exposes themselves to the possibility of being hurt by CHOOSING to be open & honest.
Keise is defining it traditionally as just being EXPOSED in the first place.
For example:
Jouelzy is arguing vulnerability is ACTIVELY SAYING: Hey everybody, I'm scared right now
Keise is saying the fact that I'm scared right now ~ is proof that I'm vulnerable
(I think ✨)