What is The Anxious Attachment Style?
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- Опубліковано 10 чер 2024
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In today's video, Thais Gibson goes back to basics with each of the attachment styles. Today the focus is on the anxious preoccupied attachment style (anxious attachment style). Watch now to learn about the key characteristics of this insecure attachment style as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Stop Abandonment & Rejection in A Relationship (Anxious Attachment Style Re-Programming)", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:07 - What Is the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style
00:01:22 - Object Permanence
00:02:09 - Fear of Abandonment Conditioning
00:02:34 - AP Traits As An Adult
00:03:40 - 14-Day Free Trial
00:04:29 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our UA-cam videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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Are you familiar with the anxious attachment style? Have you had a current or past relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style? What was your experience like? ❤
It was a mix. One was jealous and controlling and didn't want us doing anything separately. Another was very manipulative. Another was fun and loved adventures, but never knew how to end time spent together. He would make plans to see each other next while we were still on the date or ask if we can extend our time together. Either way, unless it's an aware AP who is doing the work, I'm not interested in dating this type.
I lived with a couple where one was anxiously attached. It was an absolute nightmare. She sat on her rump and did nothing outside of work except complain and control her spouse. Even when he did everything she wanted, she had to invent some fiasco so there'd be a ruckus to give her some energy. She was also a hoarder. When he went away on hunting trips, she collapsed in a trembling mess and drank high sugar beverages that messed with her diabetes- leaving them around to gather mould. It was sad because she was trying to make friends but who in the world in their right mind would want to be friends with all of that?
My heart goes out to Anxiously attached people. Usually some of the most loving people in the world, yet that fear of abandonment can push people away thus reinforcing that same trauma 🙏🏼
I appreciate your kind comment, thank you! There are definitely lots of incredible people with this attachment style ❤
I am one of them. I fell for a DA. I only wanted that person to say I love you and show it. Without me asking. However, now I am working on myself and training.
I had several exes like this before I understood attachment styles. Not to disparage them, but I felt they were literally sucking the life of of me in the relationship. I had to tip toe around their feelings all the time, they would stick to me every minute (and was mad when I had to be away from them for an extended period), tried to isolate me from my friends, and never wanted me to have a life outside of the relationship. One ex even tried to get me to quit going to the gym and training the martial arts. 😵💫I'm glad I found this knowledge because now I can see the signs a mile away and adjust accordingly by running in the opposite direction. 🏃🏿♂️
Thank you for sharing your personal experience! It's important to know that any insecure attachment style can do the work to heal and become secure. It's also important to know what you are looking for or not looking for! 😅
I've had similar experiences. I wonder if it's because they're personalizing their partner having a healthy need for space. Or maybe it's that they feel a loss of control if they aren't getting what they need so in turn, they push even further into you which makes one want to retreat. Having conversations about this isn't easy either because they get mad and there's usually conflict. Definitely not ideal for those who appreciate time to ourselves.
@@LeeChrissy one of the things I've learned about the AP attachment style is that they have a strong need to control their outer world because they have a hard time controlling their inner world. I think it's a coping mechanism so they can hide from their abandonment wounds.
What a shame that anxious videos don't get more activity when it's predominantly anxious people commenting on avoidant videos. You'd think they might want to learn more about themselves and how to show up better in relationships.
Nope, most want to externalize and point the finger. You can see it in other comment sections in this channel. “wHaT sO tHe aP dOeSnt HaVE tO cHanGE?!?!?” They don’t seem to think anything is wrong with them so why come to this video? If the big meanie head avoidant would have just accepted their all encompassing and Christ like love all would have been OK. Most of the anxious, at least the ones in the comment section, seem to use the avoidant videos as bandages. Some want to hear that the avoidants are suffering without them. Others want to learn to game the system, how to coerce the avoidant into playing ball with them. This sort of video won’t stroke the ego so of course it gets less views.
@@sj3969 I don't see me comment but head over to Coach Ryan "Avoidants Can Discard Partners" and look under my comment. Someone with an AP attachment is literally going off on me. I woke up it.
Thanks. I think the names in attachment theory are doing a disservice. For instance, the impression is that the anxiously-attached is the only one with anxiety. Indeed, anxiety is driving behaviours, differently expressed, in avoidants too. Same root, different action. Future iterations of AT ought to adopt more "blank" terms.
Great point.
Would love to hear more about Secure attachment style, and how to sustain it 🙂
This is me. I always wondered why I worried about people leaving. My mother has cancer for 4 years of my childhood until she passed which I think affected my attachment because she was home but then sometimes would go to hospital for treatment.
Thais, I had a thought and maybe an idea for a future topic. I'm curious as to why some are able to feel empathy because of the trauma that the AP has gone thru, but not have the same empathy for a FA/DA. Are they incapable of seeing past their particular situation with their ex avoidant so they project onto others?
I've had pretty awful experiences with AP's, but I know enough not to think every one of those with anxious attachments are the same because like avoidant attachments, they're not.
Also, do you find that people who think they're secure are not? Sometimes these comments get insane which is why I don't participate much on here, but essentially a lot of people who say they're secure are clearly not by the way they insult and laugh at others with unhealed attachments. It would be nice if this felt like a safer environment for those of us here to actually heal and learn.
I know. I get wrapped up in these comments sometimes myself. There was a guy who kept repeating he was secure while calling people names and just being vile. He said two therapists deemed him secure and boy he was absolutely not.
That's only one example. There are many on here unfortunately.
I think maybe they just don't know how to do something that helps them process the pain positively and because their negative energy gets so much attention in here there's less motivation to change. They're what you may call energy vampires.
@@Littleowl85352 I also call that pot calling kettle black. They scream others are unhealthy while they clearly need help.
@@UnicornsAreReal1yes but I'm too tired to talk to them myself, I just ignore em, that's what really serves the fire.
To all the da's, yes some ap's are mean in the comments, I'm sorry that they are, but let's not forget that da's can be quite mean too. Plus there's a wide spectrum for all the attachment styles. Most of the time the attachment style stems from childhood traumas, and how we had to cope and deal with our surroundings/families systems. And yes we all (no matter the attachment) project and use our maladaptive ways of relating and communicating if we aren't aware of it or not healing. Those coping mechanisms don't disappear out of nowhere, they're one of the sole reasons we made it where we are. They're not the solutions though. Yes, the ap tend to want to help or fix their partner. But why ? Because they always had to fight to get validation or love, they're just reliving their childhood and hoping for a different ending. Will it work ? Most of the time it won't. We should all focus on ourselves, think back on how we relate to people (and ourselves) and question it. And then change it for the better. Pointing fingers doesn't change anything. Improving ourselves is the key, it's the sole thing we can change. You can't force people to change if there's no will for it.
I'm FA and in relationships I may lean more anxious (expecially at the beginning) depending on the other person
It really was news to me that some people consider others responsible for their emotional wellbeing. That must be horribly difficult, wouldn't you just be angry and upset all the time? I feel for those folks. I don't think I ever dated one. We clash immediately.
This is true! Embarrassingly enough, when I leaned in my anxious part of my FA attachment, I remember getting pissed at my ex for not wanting to help me through my emotional mess. He was so confused and didn't know what to do. I've healed since then and recognize that thinking anyone but me should be responsible for my emotions is truly unhealthy. Not to mention, I had plenty of friends who were there for me but for some reason, I felt he was the one who should help me.
On another note, my good friend who is a DA started dating an AP who told her he loves her WAY too soon. She immediately saw that as a red flag and ended it then and there. This man would not accept the break up and asked her to at least talk it out. Her words "Your emotions are your responsibility and you need to learn to handle that." It was perfect and very eye opening.
@@LeeChrissy that's the thing. People don't know what to do unless they're trained in all of this mental health stuff. I most certainly don't. When it comes to people who have some problems I'm way back over here doing my thing unless they're getting outside help and sticking to it.
It's repeating patterns of childhood traumas. Just like the da or fa. I had to handle my parent's moods and emotions, even soothing them, throughout childhood. Just to not be faced with emotional abuse or constant criticism. So the brain register it as the sole way of getting love. Hence why people reproduce that behavior unconsciously in relationships later in life. It's a maladaptive way of relating.
@@RubyLine that's a perspective I never thought of. Thank you for sharing.
@@LeeChrissy A lot of people tend to think that anxious attached persons chose to become codependent. It's not true if it stems from childhood traumas, there was no other choice to survive. It's a constant drain to feel like you're responsible of other people's emotions and feelings. Hence why there's no energy left to handle ours, self-soothing wasn't modeled and if you come from a dysfunctional family, you don't even know boundaries or how to set them either. We're all by products of our family of origins, potential generational traumas, I'd even say culture trauma sometimes and of our environment. We just find different ways to cope with our situations as children.
I am in the cusp of being secure and avoidant/anxious and my love interest is DA….
What would be Fosu response/feelings if I simply pulled back, in a healthy way of course.
Also, he opens up when he’s had a few drinks, is this something I could trust?
OCCASIONALLY he’ll say things when no spirits are sipped, but not a lot….
So this also applies to fearful avoidants? I don’t find that with mine.
With fa, it depends on which side they lean on. It can vary depending on many different things. Your attachment style is one of it, or the amount of stress in their life, etc.
@@RubyLine I’m secure attachment. So I’m very patient with them, kind. I thought they were a DA. Now I’m pretty sure they’re FA with strong DA lean.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w Probably their environment or life stressors then. Just know when to set boundaries for each of you. You can be kind and patient but please don't forget that the will and actions to heal and change have to come from your partner too. Modeling security can improve things, but if there's no will to change or improve, it's a dead end. I did that for 2 years with someone and setting boundaries ended up in breaking up because he chose to stonewall me.
I can tell you as an FA at first we will be okay with the AP and really want the closeness also. But over time as the AP gets more needy and clingy the FA just gets angry and annoyed with the AP. It leads to explosive anger and gaslighting etc. then avoiding them. FA and AP do not go together at all yet tend to attract each other the most.
@@coltenkelso5764 I am secure attachment. I am not needy or clingy so there’s no explosive anger. Right now I don’t like that he didn’t wish me a Happy Mother’s Day today. What is he afraid of?? We met up for only the second time about a month ago, and I guess it went better than he thought it would.
Wow ! REALLY ??
😅