I don’t know if I’m ace or just have a low sex drive, but it’s very refreshing to hear men share their thoughts on how our society perceives romantic attraction and the pressures men have to seek out relationships.
Get your testosterone levels checked and you will find yóu may have some very low levels. I have been celibate myself for over 9 yrs by choice but í am female, aged 55. My main reasons are due to havíng CFS and fibromyalgia for over 24 yrs and pretty disabled. We can all heal
I’m asexual demiromantic. I suppose I wouldn’t have eyes, by your analogy? 😂 I can tell if someone is conventionally *unattractive,* most of the time. Mainly things that could be a sign of a health problem. But I can’t tell the difference between an “average” person and an “attractive” person unless someone points out exactly what features they think are attractive.
As an ace woman, I honestly appreciated hearing from men within the ace spectrum. I don't, personally, have many friends around me that identify as asexual. Of those that do they are women, so this was such a tremendous joy to see. Thank you for having these precious pumpkins on the show. I greatly appreciated hearing about their own personal experiences!
Ignore @ville_ , he does a lot of trolling. He won't listen and will only insult you if you respond by lashing out in a childish way and calling you offensive things. It may be tempting to respond. Don't. Please don't interact with him if you see him again. Ignore his comments. Talk around him.
I agree that it's nice to hear from ace men, but please don't call them "precious pumpkins," it's infantilizing. I know you mean well, but it would be weird to call an adult man that right??
Ace dude here. I enjoyed your previous Ace assumptions video, Anthony. The Asexual spectrum is underrepresented, misunderstood, and still at least somewhat obscure. Thank you Anthony for making this kind of content, and Happy Pride Month to anyone reading this. If you are questioning if you’re Ace or not, just know that you’re not alone
Asexuality is a stupid concept, the lack of a orientation is not itself an orientation. Im not saying feeling asexual is stupid, but the whole language surrounding it is really dumb to me
I labeled myself as gay for so long because i knew early on I wasn't attracted sexually to women. Took several years for me to realize no, I'm just not into anybody like that.
We really need to talk more about how in many ways the ace experience is closer to the gay experience than the straight experience. People tend to assume you're gay anyways when you're just Not Interested in locker-room-talk. Distinguishing not being into it from being closeted or in denial isn't always easy or obvious.
I thought I was pan for the longest time, because I knew I was attracted to everyone equally - it gave me the same feeling to imagine either. Going from 'same feeling' to 'no feeling at all' took a little more to realize.
This is so interesting because I’ve heard the opposite happen from women friends irl (starting thinking they were ace because they weren’t attracted to guys, eventually realizing they were gay). I wonder if cultural norms have any impact, like it’s more “unnatural” for guys to have no attraction at all/low attraction than be gay. Vs women culturally it’s more acceptable for them to be “sexless” than be attracted to other women. (Huge oversimplification of what it means to be ace but I’m trying to paraphrase popular perception, not necessarily reality.)
@@elsa_g Men have been expected to be hypersexual by default, while women where historically considered nonsexual (at least in European context), so there's most certainly lingering remnants that could be at play here.
ABSOLUTELY. Like that is an absurd premise. "Ah yes I want to slam my naked body into your naked body and not for kids or anything no no no just cause it feels good and that is the cornerstone of what it means to be in age group XX-XX"; it's bullshit.
As an ace person. I've never seen Asexuality talked about so deeply before, let alone more than one person being platformed to talk about it. My friends who are excessively allo look at me like a puzzle and constantly struggle to understand, so it's nice that people can start to learn about how we view the world 🙌
@@mazzy_ivyIt’s funny how other people are puzzled by something that doesn’t immediately have affection to their daily lives (by affection I mean being affected by, not in the I fondness sense). I’ve had many well meaning friends who have voiced concern that I’m not in a relationship or actively having sex.
Yeah. When I came out to my friends they were supporting but also so puzzled by how I could not feel what they do? 😂 We still have some conversations where they go like "but how do you live without (insert sex thing)!?" and I'm there like "what, like it's hard?"
That dude realizing not all people feel like him is reminiscent of how every late bloomer lesbian eventually realizes that no, not all women are secretly thinking about women that way and no, it isn’t true that “everyone is a little gay”. No, baby. That’s you (me) 😂😅
I'm graysexual bi and I always thought "everyone thinks women are pretty", which is made more complicated by the fact that bi people tend to like more than one gender. But on top of that I am aromantic. 😵💫
I’m asexual demiromantic. I was so deep in the “everyone feels like this” fog when I was in highschool that I genuinely believed that the only reason my peers were dating anyone was because of peer pressure from adults. 😂 So stupid, looking back, but that’s what I genuinely thought was going on. Because how could all these people possibly want to date people they didn’t even know personally?
Disagree, I think everyone can see why certain people are attractive, attraction especially in the face is not just tied to sex and being gay isn’t just about sex either it’s just that you are more drawn to the same sex/gender that you identify as and it’s easy for heteronormative people to find their same sex attractive in varying ways, no straight man would’ve wanted Paul Giammati over Chris Evans as Captain American Idealism lol So the truth is it’s a spectrum of bisexuality more than it is a binary of gay or straight (that’s partly why gay men adore figures like Marylin Monroe)
@@vlogily8043 Sorry… who are you disagreeing with? Cause yeah, sexuality is a spectrum in terms of gay/straight, but it’s also a spectrum in terms of how much you actually *experience* sexual attraction to begin with, not just who it’s directed towards. And I don’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender.
My male friends can't seem to wrap their head around me being ace. They say I just lack experience or have a low libido. But no, my libido is actually annoyingly high, and I don't want "experience" for the sake of it.
@@Mihsinger Don't worry about it, trying to learn is a sign of respect. I understand it might be hard to wrap your head around it, but humans can be so insanely different in multiple ways, so it's hard to understand everything xD
I've viewed sexual attraction and libido as like a vector in maths. Libido is the scalar quantity (length of the vector), and who you're attracted to is direction the vector points in. A horny asexual would be just the scalar amount, like how a weightless person in space only has the scalar mass.
Wild how many people learnt about asexuality on tumblr, dismissed it as just being what everyone feels/a randomlolz microlabel.... only to remember it later in life when you realise, right, not everyone is like that
I had my gender figured out before I had my sexuality figured out. In high school, I remember thinking I was various sexualities all because I was overcompensating for my lack of interest in sexuality. Finding out about asexuality was like finally figuring out why I behaved the way I did and why I didn't get sexuality like everyone else did.
@@solareclipse6098 Just a troll. Report it and move on. They're putting this under tons of comments. I been noticing this pattern on popular videos where people spam these awful comments. I think YT needs to step up the filters because the current ones just aren't doing it.
I really appreciate especially that there were black men here as representation, because I feel like black people especially are overly sexualized in general by the media and in our own culture it’s still perpetuated. It’s so refreshing to see men of color embracing asexuality. I agree that it’s so weird how a lot of straight people don’t consider things outside of p.i.v as sex. I had an argument with a friend years ago before I was really aware that virginity is not a real thing, because during a game of never have I ever heard and I were the only 2 who didn’t drink at the losing virginity statement and I stood up for him when they made fun of him, only for a few turns later he drank at the getting head statement. When multiple people called him out including me, he argued that it didn’t count as sex. I argued that sex is literally in the name, it’s oral SEX. When he doubled down I asked him if he considered our lesbian friends who had only slept with other women to be virgins had the nerve to tell me that he guessed so, other than reevaluating his backwards Catholic loophole-ass thinking.
I definitely think men have it harder in distinguishing different types of attraction because men are not allowed to compliment other people's appearances in the same way
@@ivorreal I compliment people's appearances a lot and many of my guy friends have told me they struggle to do the same without feeling like they're coming off as creeps or people think they're gay
@@Sootielove You are very right. I personally struggle whit giving compliments since I don't want to seem like a creep. Since I'm very masculine looking I just don't want to make people uncomfortable.
I have been wondering for years why a male coworker became visibly uncomfortable after I complimented his hair, I'm talking, it's been like 8 YEARS. Thank you for finally clearing up this mystery for me.
The idea that you can enjoy looking at someone and not want to do anything more than look makes perfect sense to me, and I don't understand why it doesn't make sense to others.
This is fantastic, Anthony! It’s always been such a struggle to find other AMAB Asexual people who do identify with the label, as the stigma that surrounds ‘masculinity’ and even ‘virginity’ has always been a struggle. Hearing the stories of other AMAB people who use the label or partial-label of Asexuality is so incredibly powerful and important. Thank you so much for giving these people a voice!! x
Well… this is how I learned I was ace. I thought I might be years ago, but someone I was friends with at the time said there was no way I was ace because they were ace and I wasn’t exactly like them. Dang.
My sister came out as Ace before me and she's apathetic about sex- it never comes to mind for her. As someone cursed with a libido that I have very complicated feelings about, I thought I couldn't be asexual because I wasn't like my sister. I started identifying as asexual spectrum (sex repulsed specifically) when I realized that asexual could be an umbrella term for anyone with a complicated relationship to sex that was noticably different from the norm. Like, you don't have to transition from male to female to qualify as gender nonconforming.
That's like saying "you as an adult aren't autistic because your not like my 3 month old nephew who's overloaded all the time". Almost like everybody is different.
4:50 I remember when my friend first explained the concept of asexuality, I literally though the exact same thing! It took another year or two for me to realize that yes, some people do in fact feel sexual attraction and I am therefore asexual. It feels so nice to know I'm not alone in my experience.
It's extra confusing if people around you are very conservative and would demonise any signs or acts of attraction to another person. The kind of people that expect you to get married but yell at you for talking to a boy they don't know.
I’m so happy you managed to find men on the ace spectrum. The cis man community (and even non-cis) tend to put high sex drives and interest in the category of masculinity.
As an ace lady, I support my asexual brothers! It's so sad, espcially when a lot of the basis of Rowling's TERF movement is "all men are inherent predators." :(
We had a male Asexual character on a daily drama we have in New Zealand called Shortland Street probably 15 years ago now. Based on this it was quite an accurate portrayal. Seems so ahead of its time now. EDIT: sootmouthnz has put together the whole storyline on UA-cam for anyone interested. It’s named “Shortland Street Asexuality storyline”. Just keep in mind it’s a daily soap. Turns out Gerald is believed to be the first asexual character on mainstream TV.
"We don't have the language to express attraction vs sex." I'm not even ace and this made me feel so seen. I recently just had a conversation with a close friend where he and I talked openly about sex and attraction and what that means in our lives and with our respective partners. But just the act of having that conversation made his partner completely flip out. She is now trying to end our friendship because she thinks I'm trying to somehow steal him away from her... and all he and I did was talk. It hurts a lot because this assumption that I'm a threat just because I'm a woman, (she's fine with him talking about sex with his guy friends) it makes me feel guilty just for expressing myself... Even as adults, we can't express how we feel, much less express our respect for other people's feelings, without someone getting the wrong impression and being upset. It's infuriating.
That is absolutely infuriating and completely unprecedented. It's not completely heteronormativity, but instead a lot of other harmful social norms jammed into one thing, but that shit does sadly affect how straight people function within their own relationships, since lot's of social norms against queer people also target non-queer people, as well. Men and women are given their own set of expectations within a strictly monogamous romantic relationship and are expected to not do anything outside of norm within that relationship; which yes, an "outside of norm" thing can sadly be a platonic relationship between a man and a woman who are not single. It's not right, and it's completely bunk.
@@anothercarttogo1819 Yeah and it's getting way more complicated the longer it goes on... An unfortunate but very common trait is that folks tend to double down in their beliefs, and refuse to communicate or see eye to eye. I feel like they just want someone to blame rather than to sit down and resolve the issue. Sadly, I think the eventual upshot is that I've just lost two close friends over a jealous misunderstanding. Now I wish he and I had never talked at all... the only thing I want to do is apologize... 😔
@@themisfitowl2595 It is frustrating when people don't even want to actually use the double-sided nature of communication; as in, you state what has been bothering you and then you listen to what the other person has to say, and then conversation continues from there. But, I'm so sorry for all that going on :( I would say that it was not your fault at all in you two having that kind of conversation, and a conversation like that between two friends, who are a man and a woman, should be absolutely normalized. It's the irrational jealousy that is the problem here and not the sharing of you and your friend's experiences - but I do understand the feeling of wishing the conversation didn't happen at all.
@@anothercarttogo1819 Hey thanks. I've really felt bad about this for a while now, and just having someone (anyone) actually listen and talk to me is really validating. I appreciate you taking the time to respond, friend.
@@themisfitowl2595 It is no problem at all, I'm happy to listen if someone ever wants me to. This struggle in-between relationships is real and deserves to be validated, always. I've seen it unfold between other friends of mine and it always felt quite stupid to me. I hope that it could be resolved with you and your friend's partner, but on the off chance that it doesn't, just know that it wasn't your fault. This struggle with our platonic relationships may always be prevalent in our lives, but there are people out there who will accept your platonic standing with their own friends/partners, or at least, will communicate a lot more better than what happened between you and your friend's partner.
As someone in the ace spectrum (demisexual and demiromantic) I relate to a lot of what they are talking and super happy that they elaborate so much on these topics and feelings. Thank you guys so much for doing this and I look forward to the other assumptions you do as well!
@ville__ 1. demi has nothing to do with being trans lol 2. what is it about people going about their lives that has nothing to do with you that makes you so angry causing you to not only click on videos you dont like, but to read the comments to tell random people to kill themselves? like lets put into perspective how depressingly sad that is LMAO
It’s wacky to realize that people can easily recognize this statement as problematic, but will not see a thing wrong if you modify it to apply to aces…
Wouldnt that be homo-romantic? Liking men but not needing to have sex with them? The part of the word is "sexual" for a specific reason. Without the rules of language, we wont be able to understand each other easily.
Well, there's definitely a degree of exaggeration for comedic purposes, in that sense it's a joke. But yeah, sex is highly valued by most people, just look at groups of people like incels.
As someone who is asexual and is also a biology student: if male asexuality was a symptom of low testosterone, then it would be correlated with other symptoms of low testosterone (which it is not) and it would be reversible with testosterone supplementation (which it also is not). Asexuality and hormonally reduced sex drive are not the same thing, and asexuality is no more deserving of being pathologized than any other sexual minority.
Well said! And might I also add, there were experiments done to "cure" homosexual men back when it was considered a disorder in the DSM-V somewhere I found, where they used testosterone supplementation. The results depicted men that turned out to be hornier and were _still_ gay. Sad part is, people still think that gay men have Low-T despite how mostly all the attempts that were made to "change" them didn't work.
The assumption about seeing the first two Transformers movies is so funny, because I’m that guy who was more excited about the Camaro and the big fighting robots then Megan whatever-her-name-is 😂
It's also an interestingly arbitrary take because it frames asexuality as this relatively new concept. Like why go back to just 2007, did conventionally attractive people not exist before that point? I remember watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my older siblings and Im still an ace guy.
17:02 - YES. I struggled to explain masturbation to a friend of mine in regards to asexuality. In the end, I pretty much said, "pleasure is pleasure, it's perfectly healthy and normal to masturbate. The difference is, never in my life have I ever fantasised about a real person sexually. I've never felt attracted to anyone in that way." ...but it could be different for others who identify as ace, it's individualised 🤷♀️
Him saying, "It's just an extra new label, why?"" because he thought everyone already felt like that so the label was redundant--I vibe with that so hard LOL.
The number of times people have asked “do I find this person attractive” and when I respond that they are nice-looking, it’s immediately assumed I want to jump their bones. Like, no? I can appreciate that someone is attractive without being (sexually) attracted to them. For the longest time, I just thought maybe I was the weird one in the conversations. What a relief it was when I learned about being ace.
Don't be ashamed of who you are! You are a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best! I can't tell you not to be afraid because even at 51, I am still afraid. I'm conquering one of my fears tomorrow. Talking to my doctor about my possible ADHD that has never been diagnosed but started to affect my life.
@@3ch1dna07 I was never ashamed to be gay, but being Ace feels so... alieninating. I also feel the struggles of undiagnosed ADHD. I hope you get the answers you are looking for!
@@Normalizeewee ❤️❤️❤️ ❤️ My youngest son is asexual and I don't love him any less. It's scary out there but know that someone out there does care about you and how you are doing. Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
As a woman, I’m both and tbh I think for me it’s been far more difficult to get people to understand what being aromantic means. Everyone always acts like I’m being dramatic. I think people get hung up on how a person can be aromantic and still care about someone. I still can experience friendship, love for my family, and close connections. I still want to be around those people, I’m Meg Ryan but I don’t need a Tom Hanks. I’m good with just having a Rosie or Heather. Also yes, I can like romance films and still be Aroace.
@@allyson-- Stephen Universe. The idea of just having a close fusion relationship where you work together is so sweet. I mean you do have fusions built on romantic love like Garnet, but you also have Smoky Quartz, Opal, Sardonyx, Rainbow Quartz, etc. They are close enough to have that bond and be platonic. It’s my fav!
@@Luscious_Nature Yeah, aromanticism is less known than asexuality. I can list on just one hand the number of people who have come out as aromantic, and they're all online influencers. I never tell anyone that I'm aromantic unless they are aromantic themselves because I don't want to have to do a whole lecture on what that means, especially in combination with not being asexual.
@@queenemmers I came out to one friend once and that was enough attempts for me. You get burnt out pretty quick. Most of us are INFJ so I’m sure we can get the satisfaction of coming out when we practice our interactions in the morning lol.
Asexuality is not a preference. It also doesn't mean that a person doesn't want to have sex. It means that a person experiences low or no sexual ATTRACTION (or only in specific instances such as with demisexuality). Desire for sex and attraction are not the same. At the end of the day, a person can feel attraction without needing that attraction to lead to a physical encounter AND a person can have sex, enjoy it even, without experiencing sexual attraction. I'm so happy they went into the differences of what ace can mean. But the assumptions themselves got to me.
I'm asexual, but I can still have sex. It's just, I don't enjoy sex for sexual reasons. Rather, I get other things out of sex, like emotional connection with someone and enjoying making someone happy. Granted, I'm far from a typical case on the ace spectrum.
@@Cyberweasel89 I'm in that same boat with you. I'm Ace but also married. I don't necessarily enjoy sex all the time, but I do very much enjoy that time with my partner.
@@willowdragonheart Yeah I tend to look at sexual activities with my partner as a way of connecting with them emotionally and physically. I suppose it's a bit like playing Twister together? It can be fun, just not for sexual reasons. It's more about the shared experience. That and the affection and trust involved.
What you said was true except the "you can enjoy sex without experiencing sexual attraction". That isn't true or makes any sense lol. It's like saying, "I enjoy running without having legs". There's a difference between enjoying the activity called sex and just seeing your partner happy because y'all had sex. *That* doesn't mean you enjoy sex.
@@_anonymous_creature_ While I am very glad ace guys are getting this representation (and ace gals a while back), especially during Pride month when many people feel ace doesn't count as a "real" sexuality (it's the LACK of one, people! that is queer as hell), let's not talk about it in terms of "winning"/this year being "for" any one group. This is meant to unite people, but wording our excitement like this can feel like we're pitting groups against one another, seeing a certain group as superior or not being as important/valid as that group. Rather voice your excitement without any comparing-language (I don't believe it was your intention to hurt anyone with this at all, just trying to show you why non-ace queer people might take offense to/be put off by this. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and we're all fully within our rights to celebrate Pride in whatever capacity we wish to
Hoping to watch all of this later today, but I just want to say how grateful I am to see ace men chatting together, because ace men are really under represented in communities online and in person. Appreciate you all, and appreciate this channel for giving them this space.
"Well if you don't want to then don't" which turns into "BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DON'T YOU WANT TO????? THAT'S WEIRD JUST TRY WHAT DO YOU MEANT YOU TRIED YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH BLAH BLAH BLAH" and just... Bingo board!
As an Asexual Woman. I thank you! In a culture predominated by words used to describe sex and sexual attraction it can be dificult to articulate our asexuality and nuanced experiences to allosexual people.
I identify as grey, for many years sex was such a huge problem for me. I couldn't explain to myself why I don't want it (yet I like the person romantically)... Now i understand that I would force myself to have sex just for that person not to think of me weirdly. It's such a huge problem to explain to oneself that not having sex with a person that you are romantically attached to is normal... Yes, it may be difficult to explain to you partner, but I encourage you to take your time and for the sake of your sanity do not break yourself over the concept of "normal"
I'm not asexual, but hearing them comment about "locker room" talk and they go "oh your actually serious" made me just appreciate there are other people out there that see these kinds of talks or general like, HEAVY sexual desire/discussion about people they're into, and cock an eyebrow to it. I was not the type of teenager in high school to go seeking relationships or wanting to have sexual activity with people during that time and it always felt so *weird* how often and casual it was for so many of my classmates like, aren't you guys worried about the math test coming up or a cool video game coming out soon? If anything, it felt like I was the only normal person in school who knew how to keep that kind of shit to myself and be more in tune with my hormones than most people, and actually see reason vs impulse.
French ace men here, thank you so much for such a wonderful visibility on the matter with an interesting and engaging conversation ! It took me soooo long to understand, learn about asexuality, find myself and stop thinking that "I am broken, I am the problem, I must be the problem.". So If you're on that path of understanding and healing right now, know that you're not alone ! At all ! Love !
As a genderfluid asexual, it’s really comforting to me to see asexual men talking about these assumptions and their own experiences. I feel like the way society has been built up over several decades has really put the pressure on men/masculine people to seek out sex all the time, when in reality it’s not what all men want. It’s also interesting listening to them talk about how sexuality can be fluid and change at any moment. There’s so many people out there who think your sexual/romantic attraction can’t change, when in reality it can change very frequently as you develop, or it might not change at all. In my case, I’ve identified as asexual and aromantic since I was 13. I’m 19 now, and while I’m still ace aro, I recently discovered in 2023 that I’m genderfluid.
Sexual orientation isn't fluid and can't change. That's just a scientific fact. The way you feel attraction might change as you grow, but not to who you feel it. If you're gay it's because you were born gay. If you're acearo like me, it's because you were born this way. You can't "arrive" at queerness. It's not a place. It's a sexual orientation 💀
Thank you so much for this episode!! As an aroace person myself it's hard enough to find any aspec visibility at all, let alone perspectives from ace men, so I really appreciate the opportunity to hear their thoughts and experiences.
I think it's very important to point out that sex positive is a political stance towards sex in society, it's about not having sex as a taboo and believing that people should be free to express their sexuality. What they were trying to talk about was sex-favourable, meaning someone open to the idea of sex in their own life. I feel the distinction is important because they has been a lot of sex-negative discourse lately with the rise of conservative views
I am sex positive. I am also sex repulsed. I would never do it with another person, but I don't seek to control what other people do. Keep it safe, sane, and consensual. I used to be on the other end of the spectrum- sex phobic. I had a panic attack once when my friend joked that our other friend was ditching school to have sex. Now I realize that my own weirdness shouldn't intrude on the behavior of others in the privacy of their own homes. So, yes. The distinction is important and necessary.
there is also a lot lf sex-negative discourse amongst ace content creators. even ones that are sex-favourable. a hell of a lot of them still act like being alo is somehow just uncivilised or something. quite a few of them say alo people should absolutely be OK with dating ace people. because to some of them, only the ace person really matters.
@@NoiseDayThank you!!! I'm the exact same; I'm sex-repulsed myself and would never do it with anyone, AND I'm also sex positive towards society at large. As long as you keep it safe, consensual, and in the bedroom, enjoy yourselves.
When my partner and I got together in college (we grew up 1 hour apart but only met when we both went out of state for college) I presented as a bi/pansexual cis woman. With an asterisk, I'd tell you "Well I'm definitely a woman BUT" lol. They presented as a cis het man. We dated, moved in together, got married... we'd both always wanted to be parents, and at the time we both were performing what we thought we were supposed to- doing the "you have sex thing, that's what you do"... I at the time tied a lot of my worth to the sexual attention a partner would give me; hypersexual due to trauma and my own stuff. Often our relationship would be strained when I didn't feel like they were attracted to me 'enough' or didn't feel like they wanted sex when that, again, was how I was deriving so much of my worth. We did a lot of growing together, and a lot of growing up, and a lot of supporting each other. After ten years together I came out as nonbinary trans masc, and my partner a few months later came out as non binary and ace- which in the end, from the place I was at when they finally said it, it finally made perfect sense. And it took so much pain and pressure off of that feeling of tension and sex life and... everything. I've been on T now for 2+ years and we are a very visibly queer couple these days, which feels really funny from the people we met each other as. We have an amazing 12 yo kid who is absolutely the light of our lives, and it's just.... been truly the best part of my life living together with the love of my life, and becoming happier together. I've wrestled with my sexuality a lot over the years because of trauma and come to a place where I realized I am demisexual/ace adjacent; it's truly weird because it feels like I've really lived two different lives, but holding them up to each other I can see the life that feels empowering and correct for me, and compare it to the pained 20something trying to meet expectations that I used to be. We've been together 17 years, married for 14, and I am happy to think that soon I will have spent more time with them in my life than without them. I'm poly, and my girlfriend of 4 years is also ace and has a demi fiancee (who is an absolutely wonderful person). Attraction and sexuality is complex in some ways, but understanding and accepting that people experience them differently is so simple.
Wow this comment made me cry, it is so nice to hear of asexual people discovering themselves and forging happy lives together. It gives me hope. Thank you!
I had a friend tell me that they had to ask someone what my situation was called, and that was when I realized that there may be people in my life who would benefit from a “coming out” conversation with me. I was 26 and the two responses I got were that they’d already figured out I was a hermit (inside joke because I enjoy my alone time) or that they’d thought I might be a lesbian. We frequently joke that the closest I come to dating is having friends. And while there are downsides to not having a partner in a society that is built on the assumption of a partner, I am so much happier just living my life as my hermit self. 😊😊
Its fantastic too see more ace representation, plus it was really refreshing to see ace black men, being able to personally relate is rare for me on the internet. Keep up the dope work Anthony ❤!
Thank you Anthony for your constant support of the Ace Community through your content! I’m Ace with an Ace partner. This is amazing to see from the male perspective. I only know a few male Aces, my partner included. There’s not enough representation.
My best friend is ace man, possibly AroAce (his words, not mine). Dude be more flithy than I am (I'm a demisexual woman) when we joke around with our other friends. Just because he makes dirty jokes doesn't mean he wants or needs sex/secretly having sex behind our backs and not telling us. I will forever remember the day he came out to me. He first came out to three people - myself included. I'm honored that he felt comfortable to tell me (and he was in for a surprise to know his bff was also within the spectrum). To be fair, we both agree that it's hard for any one of us to explain our sexuality (or queerness) to others, and sometimes feel shunned or misunderstood even by the LGBTQA+ community. I appreciate these kinds of videos because they help others learn about Asexuality and Ace people in general. To my fellow Aces, Demisexuals and Grays - Happy Pride to us all!
"My uncle from another world" the MC is ace af! Then there is Saiki from "The Disastrous Life of Saiki K." who is also aggressively ace. I'm sure there are more but these two are my favorites!
My friend has this excellent metaphor: for their asexual experience, sex = bowling. Do I think about bowling a lot in my daily life? Not...really...ever. But some people are REALLY into bowling and go regularly! If someone suggests we go bowling, I'd probably be game? But I wouldn't necessarily enjoy bowling with a stranger.
The fact that I completely off the cuff had the same freaking Megan Fox conversation with another Ace friend of mine with zero prompting just last week made that bit for me lmao what are the odds
THANK YOU! Oh my god, I feel so seen with that comment about the Ace flag. Like, not only do the colors not go together, but I resent the implication that my life is less colorful simply because I'm not having sex.
20 years ago, as an 18 year old, I told another teenager that asexuality wasn't a thing in humans after she attempted to come out. I am Queer and should have been a safe space. Psychology said sex was a basic human need (just like food, water, and shelter) at the time. I was a dipshit. Understandable given I was 18 and speaking based on a special interest in psychology..... but I've wanted to go back and apologize to that person for damn near the whole 20 years. Sexuality is.. complex.. to say the very least. It is the point of so many intersecting identities that it's really hard to figure out our own sexuality, much less any other human beings. I just really hope that she forgot that moment as unimportant and irrelevant and didn't carry it with her and I have tried to be mindful of how I speak to people when they share anything about themselves. If I've learned one thing, it's when someone tells you who they are: believe them.
Thank you so much for this!!! It is so comforting to hear from ace men and knowing that they are out there. I'm an aroace trans guy and I hope to find more ace men to be friends with (or at least men who don't talk about sex all the time).
@10:18 I have explained it to straight women (since I am an Ace woman) as "girl crushing". I can love her hair, attitude and soul but I'm not about to bed her. I am excitable and friendly, so I easily make friends, but I also keep an inner trusted circle, like anyone else. There's just no objectification of them from my end. Another Ace person online said it differently with "It's like admiring art at a museum. You recognize beauty and intelligence, you just don't take it home." For those who are fluid, if and when we do have sex, it's still a different experience for us and we don't seek it out the way society expects us to, so we still don't "fit in" with societal norms. We also get equally rewarding feeling from very normal things so the "reward" for sex isn't better than [insert Ace personal high reward]. I don't hate sex, its just not the highest reward for me and I'm fantastic at "handling it myself".
There are so many assumptions that only women are ace. As an AMAB masc agender person, it's nice to see the representation. They're dead on, in talking about what i experienced growing up in Texas. Lots of conflicting messaging: "you're GOING to want this, but also DON'T, and if you don't want it you're doing it right because GOD, but wrong because MEN." I got really good at making and imitating what others appeared to experience and want, for fear of seeking like an "other."
The fundamentalist christian angle on asexuality is completely brutal. You’re somehow in the wrong for not having an innate desire to “sin,” and are considered to be a freak because you have no trouble following the teachings that say not to have sex before marriage. Just yet another great aspect of fundamentalism
I’ve felt that. As a teenager, I was congratulated by adults for not having romantic or sexual attraction. Now as an adult, they’re grilling me on marriage and babies. You do know how those happen, right? People generally don’t start having these attractions only once they’re 18. I made it extremely clear that I wasn’t interested as a teenager and you can’t change who I am.
@@theshire9173 I finally got my mother say out loud the words "I understand that I will not get grandchildren from you, until and unless you decide to adopt in the future, and I'm okay with either option."
"If you dont want to have sex dont have it" The thing is Asexuality isnt a choice to not have sex. Its the lack of sexual attraction. Asexuality ≠ Abstinence
@@Slim333yBoi Abstinence: The practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something. Asexuality: The lack of sexual attraction to others. They are not the same thing whatsoever, not all asexuals choose to be abstinent and being abstinent does not make you asexual.
I spent 40 years thinking I was broken, less than whole, or in need of sex therapy when I was actually an ace woman all along. The day I realized was immense .. a freeing moment in my life but also tragic when I realized the enormous negative impact of all those decades not knowing... not understanding. And I can't relive my youth. The modern pride movement and freedom of information & support is SO VALUABLE. SO CRUCIAL! Thank you for your channel and all who participate.
27:25 As an allosexual person with a very high drive who is married to a person currently on a journey of potential ace spectrum self-discovery, the first part about finding his partner beautiful made me cry. Our relationship is rock-solid and I feel very secure in my spouse's desire to be with me, but something about hearing it from a person who isn't talking directly to/in front of someone with an emotional stake in their response hit a little different. 🥺💜
I am sooo happy to hear the men in our community have a platform to speak up and share their ace/aro spectrum experience 💜 Ignorant people will say ace/aro specs don't experience challenges and hardships in society. I mean HELLO have you looked around at how our society is constructed? The significant importance placed on sex. The fact that people determine a person's worth and "attraction" solely based on looks, swiping left and right as if they're objects of interest. The insane expectations and norms placed on men for how they're expected to present and be. Arg, I get so fed up living in a society sometimes that is so narrow-minded in how it views and constructs attraction, relationships, sex and dating.
So, I am female, and I realize this is about men, but I definitely related to a lot of what was said here. Locker room talk happens with girls too, and I hated every moment of it. I couldn't understand why the first question out of girls' mouths were "did you kiss?" after I went on a first date. There is so much more to people than just seeing them as satisfying a sexual desire. I am not really sure if I am ace, or just religious, or just autistic. It's hard to tell, honestly. I don't like people touching me, and the thought of intercourse terrifies me (as does kissing on the lips). I've had sexual fantasies, but really began to see that they were just that--fantasies. I don't actually want them to be real and am content to keep them in the fantasy realm. I can definitely see myself being intimate with someone, though, like the cuddling/hugging. There are very very select few guys I have felt comfortable enough with to imagine I would be okay with it. But even then, when I am actually with them and enjoying their presence, I'm not constantly thinking of wanting more than what we are already doing. About 3 years ago, I decided to identify to myself as demi-sexual and alloromantic. I definitely want a relationship with a guy. But I feel like I need to be extremely close to them emotionally before considering trying out something like sex. About a year ago, I discovered I am most probably autistic and it began to muddle things a bit for me. I am not sure what is me just having trouble processing things, not liking certain textures or sensations, or my sexuality. I also think I have a high libido, which further confuses me. I get that you can have both a high libido and a low desire for sex, but I am trying to navigate it and failing spectacularly. I've had times where I am in an extremely high arousal state and can't calm it down (again, this could be because of processing issues that come with autism). And finally, I have a best friend who is male and to whom I find myself extremely attracted to. I definitely want a romantic relationship with him, but I am struggling to understand if I want anything sexually or not. I feel very comfortable with him, and emotionally close to him, and I could see myself being willing to explore sex with him. I just can't tell if I DESIRE doing it with him. I sometimes feel like this could be resolved if I just actually experienced sexual intercourse, but I don't really wish to just willy nilly do that. I'd rather do it with someone I am married to and have made a commitment to. On top of all this, I also can't tell if this is a normal thought process everyone else goes through or not. In my head, it is hard to imagine people DON"T go through this, but then I see what media puts out there and I am left to question what is really "normal" and what has been blown out of proportion by the media. And I guess it is okay that I am still figuring things out. I just worry (because of being a people pleaser) that I am going to put other people off without meaning to and I already feel pretty ostracized from the world. Not really looking for any responses, but maybe someone reads this and feels like they aren't alone because they are experiencing the same thing.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate somewhat to the autistic/ace confusion at least. It took me a long time to accept I'm aroace. At first I thought my autistic brain was just processing things differently and I WAS experiencing attraction but not recognising it. Then I decided I wasn't a "real" aroace because despite relating to so many stories from the community, I couldn't prove my autistic brain wasn't the source of those feelings. It took too many years of self-doubt and quietly feeling broken to decide that it doesn't matter where these feelings (or lack thereof) come from, I'm not going to stop being autistic and I'm probably not going to stop being aroace, so what does it matter how they're intertwined? I can only imagine the additional confusion of navigating high libido, romantic attraction and (what sounds like) sexual repulsion. I wish you the best of luck A big part of accepting myself was reading stories just like this under UA-cam videos. So every person brave enough to post their own experiences is so deeply appreciated, even if we don't share all the same experiences.
I've always thought of arousal/libido as a physical sensation, while attraction is an emotion. If I bite into a strawberry, I taste it. That's a physical sensation that happens regardless of my input. However, if I like strawberry, then that's an emotional reaction. It's a similar thing with desire, I think.
That's interesting I see it as exactly the opposite I see libido or desire as an emotion and I see attraction as physical it's biology chemistry I also see the strawberry is different whether you like or dislike his physical is it compatible with your chemistry however if you crave or love the strawberry that's emotional
yeah, that ''i can be sexually attracted to someone, but i know the actual act itself isnt as enjoyable''. that's how i feel as an AroAce guy. im attracted to the ideas, but know i can't really enjoy it irl. im fine with just dating my right hand. also i have contamination OCD, and i kind of hate how you kinda have to sacrifice feeling of cleanliness to have sex. im not gonna trust how much someone else cleaned themself, or if they have STDs or something. none of that matters in imagination, which is why i'd actually rather just daydream.
this is so interesting. I also have contamination ocd that prevents me from having sex (or even kissing) but I never thought of myself as asexual because I still experience sexual attraction.
@@cvsistheft the ocd is just part of it, but not having the attraction irl to even make me want to do it is the main part for me. there is no battle between ''attraction'' and ''turn off'', as there is simply zero attraction to draw me towards doing it. i've had my first and last relationship, which was as an adult, and i realized i was just going through the motions that society ingrains in us, and that i didn't actually want anything to do with a relationship or irl sex, so i had to end it. been happily single ever since. also, kissing is so repulsive to me 🤢
The cleanliness part is so real It's why i also prefer fictional characters over real people in terms of attraction action Also probably why I also find robot characters so attractive lol wjekkcks Because they don't have gross bodily fluids and diseases lol Like, even for non-sexual acts like kissing, which is also gross to me irl lol
@@_anonymous_creature_ yeah, fictional characters are where it's at for me too. even kissing is ok in 2D stuff, even tho it repulses me when seeing real people kiss.
But like...what does sexual attraction FEEL like? That's what has always perplexed me and prevented me from figuring out if I'm really on the ace spectrum.
as a Demi Sexual i explaine it to myself as such. do i like sex, yes. do i crave sex, no. is there a person in the world that i would say i want sexualy, no. have there been in my past, yes and no, and i only say yes because i found their company relaxing and refreshing and they made me feel comphertable enough that if a situsation arose where we where in a position to have sex i might have said yes. but other then that. no. no imediate thought of how can i "jump his bones" never came to mind.
As a female Demisexual, for me it's: - I don't wanna have sex with people based on their looks, like celebrities. - To even want to have sex with someone, I have to connect on some level. Aka get to know them. - If I do connect with someone, it doesn't mean I'll start crushing on them. There is still deeper attraction needed. - Basically, if all the boxes are ticked, yes, I'd like to sleep with that person. If not, then I won't even have the desire to sleep with them. It just won't happen, and it's not forcable.
Great video, thank you. I have been frustrated with my sexuality all my life and listening to this has helped me feel a little better about myself. It's nice to not feel alone.
Throwing in my two cents about the "what can non-ace folks learn from ace folks", there's this thing that can happen when you're in a relationship with an allo person, where the ace elephant in the room actually makes you kinda have to go all the way back to the beginning and find out what y'all ACTUALLY want from your partner and how your relationship can work, versus what you think a relationship has to be because of how society has conditioned you. I feel like a lot of people could absolutely benefit from going thru that process, because I've seen so many relationships fail because they weren't able to distance themselves from the idea they had of what they should be/had to do or how their relationships or partners needed to be, even when that was making them deeply miserable. As an example: in my relationship, my partner actually discovered that the need for intimacy (be it emotional or physical) was actually totally separate for them to wanting to engage sexually with someone, and re-building our relationship from the ground up, from the most innocent of cuddling to where we're at currently, totally divorced from societal expectation and just listening to and communicating our own wants and needs, has been hugely helpful in making us happier and more comfortable as people and as a couple.
That's beautiful ♥ In my last relationship, my partner said for him there was a level of intimacy he could only get through PIV sex and that's why it didn't work out. For me I would have been fine without, or for him to get it elsewhere if he wanted, but he was strictly monogamous and only wanted that with me.
The talk about being in a friend group that makes a lot of sex jokes is so real 😅 I still feel embarrassed thinking back to weird things I'd say when pressed on the topic (I was avoidant of the subject and often when teens notice that sort of thing they feel the need to make a fuss about it.)
I'm ace and the normal assumption is "Oh you're gay, then" and just give up nowadays explaining it. Funny thing is my sense of humour is quite sexual and don't have issues with that kinda stuff lol In school I "forced" myself to have crushes on girls as that was the normal and "gay" was the negative. I put up posters of pop-star women in my room cause that was the normal thing to do, but I felt so uncomfortable with it. Having pictures of a women I have never met, they have no idea who I am and I am suppose to be attracted to them? I found it very confusing. Once I learnt of Ace people I felt alot more comfortable about it, as up until then I felt broken.
@JohnJones-of5ze you are bizarre creature. Your rambling is inherently incoherent. What is the question "nice hat. Did you buy it at a store?😂😂😂" even supposed to mean. Like, where's the part that you think is funny? It's pretty normal to buy a hat at a store. Are you, perhaps, an alien trying (and failing) to blend into human society?
It's nice to see more content for aces to try to talk about their world and experiences. It took me time and heartbreak to find out I was ace and sex repulsed. Like these men, I never make it a talking point. If it comes up I'm happy to discuss it with genuinely inquisitive people, but I understandably find many to be rather confused about it. I don't mind if someone can't grasp it, but it's a matter of respecting and attempting to learn. At the same time I want more people to be aware (for the sake of young aces figuring it out), it really can cause unnecessary drama or weirdness with friends and family. I date a heterosexual man and I would hate for strangers or friends to see him as less manly because of our relationship so that's more reason for me not to make an open/pride/educational post to FB. Closer friends are aware and we make jokes all day in good faith. I wish more people could be cool enough to share with.
I can sympathize with living in a hypersexualized society and feeling alienated, or like an outlier. However, a take I dont agree with that I always hear discussed in ace circles, is that non-asexual people mostly think in terms of sex, and dont have the deeper depth to relationships ( even platonic ones ) outside of sexualized discussion and/or an overtly sexual lense. As someone who IS hypersexual ( and ofc, even if I can sympathize with aces, I will never claim to understand their experience ), my relationship does not strictly revolve around sex, and sexual attraction. It's THERE, dont get me wrong. And I DO have an exceptionally high lebido. But being fully transparent, my attraction and love for my partner didnt stem from sexual feelings, even if they DID develope over time. I wasnt drawn to them just cuz "sex sex sex!" I just kinda feel like a lot of aces ( especially in my friendgroup, which has more aces than not, ironically ) seem to kinda group us all in a box ( again ironic ), where we all supposedly only think like the hyper masculinized, hypersexual, one-minded 2-Dimensional barely fleashed out characters. There is SO much depth to intimacy, not just in the sexual acts. And then there is so much depth WITH the sexual acts. There's nothing wrong with being ace! And Im not gonna be an asshole and say "yOuRe MiSsiNg OuT!" I guess my point is, we, TOO ( at least some of us, lol ), appreciate all the nuances that go into forging relationships, and all the varias forms of attraction. The real enemy here is heteronomativity and the patriarchy, lmfao. Anyway, Happy Pride! Im glad we got an episode with Ace Male perspectives, cuz I do feel like people assume it's a mostly female ( or xx chromosome ) experience; and it's important to shed light onto the diversity within every community!
It's definitely one of the issues that, while ace people are probably confronted with a bit harder, so many people face. Men especially are thought of as being hypersexual or that sex is always key to a relationship, but anyone can value romantic or platonic intimacy over sexual and it's a shame that's not the expectation
As an ace person myself (I can't speak for the whole community) I think the notion is not that allosexual (non-asexual) people can only think in the dimension of sex, but that sex is an ever-present factor. There are seldom spaces or discussions about personal relationship in which some form of sexual dynamic isn’t a significant factor in how each party behaves (I specify *personal* relationships because more distant relationships, e.g. transactional ones, can often avoid this by their ephemeral and more formal nature). Even if that sexual dynamic is negative, like "oh I don't want to behave this way because I don't want to give him the idea that I'm into him." It's still very different from how many aces navigate the world, who may often forget to even consider that it's possible for them to be read as being "into" someone. So it's less about allosexuals ONLY seeing intimacy on a sexual axis, and more about them often not being able to even fathom intimacy WITHOUT a sexual axis. At least, that's a more realistic observation imo. Which, for the record, isn't and should not be viewed as a failing in any way, simply something that we should be aware of that may create obstacles in the way aces navigate the world and their personal relationships so that we continue to overcome such obstacles in our effort to build bridges and community :)
I agree and this is why I really hate that one of the ace stereotypes in media is ace people who think not wanting sex makes them "better" or a heightened form of human and that wanting sex is like cavemen nonsense ace people are superior not to have. It's something I see a lot and it makes me angry.
@pajama-sam As another ace woman, this is my feeling exactly. Of course there's nuance on either side, it's more an over-exaggeration of the differences so that people with other experiences can have more of a chance of understanding ours. But it's definitely not that black and white, which OP points out perfectly
@@pajama-sam I second everything you're saying! The problem is not people experiencing sexual attraction, it's that they assume everyone else does in the same way. I don't think that sexual relationships are somehow shallower, but I do think that a lot of allosexual people end up being so focused on their romantic/sexual relationships that they don't pay as much attention to their friends and when they do it's only to talk about sex and relationships. That's not to say all of them are like that! But it's a trend that I've noticed among my friends which makes me feel a bit alienated from them. That's probably why your ace friends talk like that - from our perspective it seems like sex takes up a lot more space in your lives, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make us feel like outsiders.
18:14 My then gf said to me that I'm not demisexual, that I just have a low libido, and then also sort of shamed me for not wanting to have sex all that often. It is very important to talk about these sorts of things and even though I identify as demisexual and not asexual I still relate to a lot of the things that were said here. 10 years later, I still haven't been in a relationship with anyone or had sex and some part of me think that it's a bit of a failure since I wasn't in that good of a relationship (I want to replace it with a good experience), but at the same time I don't really care. I'm fine the way things are.
As an Ace person, I squeaked with happiness, seeing this pop up in my recommendations!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! IM so glad to see this and the earlier one. Happy pride, everyone.
Fun fact: there are (at least) 6 types of attraction. Familial, attraction towards family or family-like love; Platonic, friendly love; Aesthetic, attraction to someone's looks, but not necessarily them as a person (aka, you just think they look pretty); romantic, non-physical deep love; sensual, physical attraction, though not to the level of having sex; and sexual, shocker, you are attracted to them in a way that makes you want to sleep with them. Any of these can have the same labels we add to sexuality (bi-romantic, a-platonic, etc.)
Mentioning Ace men in media, there is a character in the show Hazbin Hotel. He’s from the 1930s, and it seems he doesn’t understand fully grasp labels. The broader viewers only discovered he’s Ace when his best friend made the joke of him being with a girl, then said, “I’m just kidding. I know you’re an ace in the hole.” To which he replied, very confused, “A what now?” I had to pause it, and rewatch because I wasn’t sure I had heard them correctly. I then proceeded to watch it on repeat, happy and laughing that it was in the show. To make things better, when asked how Alastor could be ace because of how he acts, his actor replied with “You don’t have to fuck to be fab.”
the best way ive come up with to describe my attraction to people as an asexual is i find people pretty like how people find flowers, butterflies, fairy lights and fireworks pretty. however i do not want any of those things in or around my body.
Why insecure? Are you unsure if you are or are there outside factors making it harder? It's all right to say asexual now and change later. Being an "invisible" sexuality you don't have to share with others unless you want to
7:19 Reducing asexuality as just "not wanting/having sex" is such a superfical take. Asexuality isn't just not having sex. It is the lack of, or low, attraction towards people. There are ace folks who will have sex, for a variety of reasons, and remain ace. It not about not having sex, it's more than that, and because of that fact, it stands as an identity.
I'm a 61 year old bi/demi-romantic ace, who came to that knowledge in my late 40s. In my case, I've _never_ experienced any sexual attraction, nor had any _innate_ desire to engage in sexual activities. The only term I ever heard to describe women - who I now presume - were in the same boat, was the word "frigid" (keep in mind that I came of age in the late 70s/early 80s. Different times). That was an ugly word that always made me feel so uncomfortable, because I *am* a very passionate person...just not in terms of sex. When I finally found AVEN, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my mind. There were others like me! All within a spectrum called Asexuality. I can't tell you how wonderful that 'coming home' realization was, and continues to be. Happy Pride 2024 to all...and especially all others in the Ace spectrum! 🖤 🩶🤍💜
The thing about preference and it being about who you want to do certain things with is inaccurate because it is about the attraction element. Say let's compare attraction to craving cake if you see cake. You can eat a cake if you aren't craving cake but are hungry. You can eat it if you aren't hungry or craving and still enjoy. You can choose not to eat cake regardless of if you are hungry, craving or not. Eating a cake doesn't change whether you crave cake or not. If you are ace it means you don't experience a specific kind of attraction. Being attracted to people doesn't guarantee you will act on it. Not being attracted doesn't mean you can't do certain things with other people. You don't need to feel attraction to someone to enjoy spending time with another person.
I don’t know if I’m ace or just have a low sex drive, but it’s very refreshing to hear men share their thoughts on how our society perceives romantic attraction and the pressures men have to seek out relationships.
Get your testosterone levels checked and you will find yóu may have some very low levels. I have been celibate myself for over 9 yrs by choice but í am female, aged 55. My main reasons are due to havíng CFS and fibromyalgia for over 24 yrs and pretty disabled. We can all heal
@@ozgal6929?? What
@@ozgal6929 i never had my testosterone levels tested before but I am taking test now and I feel exactly the same. higher libido but no desire for sex
@@ozgal6929 Asexuality and low libido are two seperate things.
@@I_am_Lauren I beg to différ
Something I like to say when I observe how attractive someone is: "I might be asexual, but I have eyes."
This is why I love the split attraction model
I use the sunset analogy.
I wish I never had sex because I’m attracted to gay men but some of them don’t like transsexuals 😢
I’m asexual demiromantic. I suppose I wouldn’t have eyes, by your analogy? 😂
I can tell if someone is conventionally *unattractive,* most of the time. Mainly things that could be a sign of a health problem. But I can’t tell the difference between an “average” person and an “attractive” person unless someone points out exactly what features they think are attractive.
I've said this a few times when I point out women to my transbian friend when she says "but your asexual" "I maybe asexual but I'm not blind"
As an ace woman, I honestly appreciated hearing from men within the ace spectrum. I don't, personally, have many friends around me that identify as asexual. Of those that do they are women, so this was such a tremendous joy to see. Thank you for having these precious pumpkins on the show. I greatly appreciated hearing about their own personal experiences!
I’m surprised to hear so many people saying they only know ace women because most of the ace people I know/see are non-binary or trans men.
Ignore @ville_ , he does a lot of trolling. He won't listen and will only insult you if you respond by lashing out in a childish way and calling you offensive things. It may be tempting to respond. Don't.
Please don't interact with him if you see him again. Ignore his comments. Talk around him.
I agree that it's nice to hear from ace men, but please don't call them "precious pumpkins," it's infantilizing. I know you mean well, but it would be weird to call an adult man that right??
Also an ace woman! I agree completely. This was some wonderful perspective.
@@raylielume Exactly. He's desperate for negative attention. Pretending he's not there is the worst punishment he can receive.
Ace dude here. I enjoyed your previous Ace assumptions video, Anthony. The Asexual spectrum is underrepresented, misunderstood, and still at least somewhat obscure. Thank you Anthony for making this kind of content, and Happy Pride Month to anyone reading this. If you are questioning if you’re Ace or not, just know that you’re not alone
Asexuality is a stupid concept, the lack of a orientation is not itself an orientation. Im not saying feeling asexual is stupid, but the whole language surrounding it is really dumb to me
@ville__ dude are you okay, I think you need some serious professional help, you seem quite delusional.
I hope you will get better.
❤ happy Pride 🏳️🌈
@@RealCutPlay it's a bot don't respond to it
Happy late pride from a trans ace dude💜
I labeled myself as gay for so long because i knew early on I wasn't attracted sexually to women. Took several years for me to realize no, I'm just not into anybody like that.
We really need to talk more about how in many ways the ace experience is closer to the gay experience than the straight experience. People tend to assume you're gay anyways when you're just Not Interested in locker-room-talk. Distinguishing not being into it from being closeted or in denial isn't always easy or obvious.
I thought I was pan for the longest time, because I knew I was attracted to everyone equally - it gave me the same feeling to imagine either. Going from 'same feeling' to 'no feeling at all' took a little more to realize.
Right.. I have never felt the desire to fully undress and be close and intimate with anyone. Hygiene is the main reason I identify as ace.
This is so interesting because I’ve heard the opposite happen from women friends irl (starting thinking they were ace because they weren’t attracted to guys, eventually realizing they were gay). I wonder if cultural norms have any impact, like it’s more “unnatural” for guys to have no attraction at all/low attraction than be gay. Vs women culturally it’s more acceptable for them to be “sexless” than be attracted to other women. (Huge oversimplification of what it means to be ace but I’m trying to paraphrase popular perception, not necessarily reality.)
@@elsa_g Men have been expected to be hypersexual by default, while women where historically considered nonsexual (at least in European context), so there's most certainly lingering remnants that could be at play here.
Thinking the protagonists trying to get laid is the joke is SUCH a mood
reall
How so?
ABSOLUTELY. Like that is an absurd premise. "Ah yes I want to slam my naked body into your naked body and not for kids or anything no no no just cause it feels good and that is the cornerstone of what it means to be in age group XX-XX"; it's bullshit.
@ville__ dude.... Go find something to hug. One person dying isnt going to fix the darkness in your head. Get some help.
@ville__make you a example, do it first
As an ace person. I've never seen Asexuality talked about so deeply before, let alone more than one person being platformed to talk about it. My friends who are excessively allo look at me like a puzzle and constantly struggle to understand, so it's nice that people can start to learn about how we view the world 🙌
"excessively allo" is so real
Excessively allo? F right off.
@@mazzy_ivyIt’s funny how other people are puzzled by something that doesn’t immediately have affection to their daily lives (by affection I mean being affected by, not in the I fondness sense). I’ve had many well meaning friends who have voiced concern that I’m not in a relationship or actively having sex.
Yeah. When I came out to my friends they were supporting but also so puzzled by how I could not feel what they do? 😂
We still have some conversations where they go like "but how do you live without (insert sex thing)!?" and I'm there like "what, like it's hard?"
That dude realizing not all people feel like him is reminiscent of how every late bloomer lesbian eventually realizes that no, not all women are secretly thinking about women that way and no, it isn’t true that “everyone is a little gay”. No, baby. That’s you (me) 😂😅
I'm graysexual bi and I always thought "everyone thinks women are pretty", which is made more complicated by the fact that bi people tend to like more than one gender. But on top of that I am aromantic. 😵💫
I’m asexual demiromantic. I was so deep in the “everyone feels like this” fog when I was in highschool that I genuinely believed that the only reason my peers were dating anyone was because of peer pressure from adults. 😂 So stupid, looking back, but that’s what I genuinely thought was going on. Because how could all these people possibly want to date people they didn’t even know personally?
Disagree, I think everyone can see why certain people are attractive, attraction especially in the face is not just tied to sex and being gay isn’t just about sex either it’s just that you are more drawn to the same sex/gender that you identify as and it’s easy for heteronormative people to find their same sex attractive in varying ways, no straight man would’ve wanted Paul Giammati over Chris Evans as Captain American Idealism lol
So the truth is it’s a spectrum of bisexuality more than it is a binary of gay or straight (that’s partly why gay men adore figures like Marylin Monroe)
@@vlogily8043 Sorry… who are you disagreeing with? Cause yeah, sexuality is a spectrum in terms of gay/straight, but it’s also a spectrum in terms of how much you actually *experience* sexual attraction to begin with, not just who it’s directed towards. And I don’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of their gender.
@@Munchkin.Of.Pern09 but you find no one on this earth cute, pretty, or handsome?
My male friends can't seem to wrap their head around me being ace. They say I just lack experience or have a low libido. But no, my libido is actually annoyingly high, and I don't want "experience" for the sake of it.
AMEN. My libido makes me want to throw up.
There are very few allos who can wrap their heads around asexuality.
@@ellanina801when you find them. Make sure to keep them around. haha
I'm trying to understand, I always thought asexuals didn't have libido. I'm still confused
@@Mihsinger Don't worry about it, trying to learn is a sign of respect. I understand it might be hard to wrap your head around it, but humans can be so insanely different in multiple ways, so it's hard to understand everything xD
I've viewed sexual attraction and libido as like a vector in maths. Libido is the scalar quantity (length of the vector), and who you're attracted to is direction the vector points in.
A horny asexual would be just the scalar amount, like how a weightless person in space only has the scalar mass.
That's such a good way of looking at it! - Sincerely, a math student ❤
wait- you mean to tell me i'm not the only person who thinks like this?!
for people who have the required understanding of math, this is a great way to explain lol
Ok that is damn brilliant.
Yeah! Or like you can be hungry but not for something specific, just hunger.
Wild how many people learnt about asexuality on tumblr, dismissed it as just being what everyone feels/a randomlolz microlabel.... only to remember it later in life when you realise, right, not everyone is like that
I had my gender figured out before I had my sexuality figured out. In high school, I remember thinking I was various sexualities all because I was overcompensating for my lack of interest in sexuality. Finding out about asexuality was like finally figuring out why I behaved the way I did and why I didn't get sexuality like everyone else did.
@ville__are you okay
@@solareclipse6098 Just a troll. Report it and move on. They're putting this under tons of comments. I been noticing this pattern on popular videos where people spam these awful comments. I think YT needs to step up the filters because the current ones just aren't doing it.
@@zenith1931agreed
I really appreciate especially that there were black men here as representation, because I feel like black people especially are overly sexualized in general by the media and in our own culture it’s still perpetuated. It’s so refreshing to see men of color embracing asexuality.
I agree that it’s so weird how a lot of straight people don’t consider things outside of p.i.v as sex. I had an argument with a friend years ago before I was really aware that virginity is not a real thing, because during a game of never have I ever heard and I were the only 2 who didn’t drink at the losing virginity statement and I stood up for him when they made fun of him, only for a few turns later he drank at the getting head statement. When multiple people called him out including me, he argued that it didn’t count as sex. I argued that sex is literally in the name, it’s oral SEX. When he doubled down I asked him if he considered our lesbian friends who had only slept with other women to be virgins had the nerve to tell me that he guessed so, other than reevaluating his backwards Catholic loophole-ass thinking.
The as-lophole is al religion that ban sex before marriage not just catolics.
/Swedish bi-cis-woman
As an asexual person I’m so happy this is up to give ppl some context!!
@JohnJones-of5ze what does that even mean?
@JohnJones-of5zeI saw some of your other comments, you're pretty hateful. Are you religious or just dumb?
@JohnJones-of5ze seriously, what are you even saying? It makes literally zero sense.
@JohnJones-of5ze what?
I definitely think men have it harder in distinguishing different types of attraction because men are not allowed to compliment other people's appearances in the same way
Why do you think that is
@@ivorreal I compliment people's appearances a lot and many of my guy friends have told me they struggle to do the same without feeling like they're coming off as creeps or people think they're gay
@@Sootielove You are very right. I personally struggle whit giving compliments since I don't want to seem like a creep. Since I'm very masculine looking I just don't want to make people uncomfortable.
I have been wondering for years why a male coworker became visibly uncomfortable after I complimented his hair, I'm talking, it's been like 8 YEARS. Thank you for finally clearing up this mystery for me.
The idea that you can enjoy looking at someone and not want to do anything more than look makes perfect sense to me, and I don't understand why it doesn't make sense to others.
This is fantastic, Anthony!
It’s always been such a struggle to find other AMAB Asexual people who do identify with the label, as the stigma that surrounds ‘masculinity’ and even ‘virginity’ has always been a struggle. Hearing the stories of other AMAB people who use the label or partial-label of Asexuality is so incredibly powerful and important. Thank you so much for giving these people a voice!! x
@s0ckman247there’s should be an aro and ace dating app because this shits ridiculous lmao
@@Jesterisim There's an app in development called A-Cafe but its completion may take awhile
@@JesterisimI found one website I signed up for that only has like 6 other people on it
Well… this is how I learned I was ace.
I thought I might be years ago, but someone I was friends with at the time said there was no way I was ace because they were ace and I wasn’t exactly like them. Dang.
Congrats! Welcome :)
My sister came out as Ace before me and she's apathetic about sex- it never comes to mind for her. As someone cursed with a libido that I have very complicated feelings about, I thought I couldn't be asexual because I wasn't like my sister. I started identifying as asexual spectrum (sex repulsed specifically) when I realized that asexual could be an umbrella term for anyone with a complicated relationship to sex that was noticably different from the norm. Like, you don't have to transition from male to female to qualify as gender nonconforming.
That's like saying "you as an adult aren't autistic because your not like my 3 month old nephew who's overloaded all the time".
Almost like everybody is different.
♥♥♥
4:50 I remember when my friend first explained the concept of asexuality, I literally though the exact same thing! It took another year or two for me to realize that yes, some people do in fact feel sexual attraction and I am therefore asexual. It feels so nice to know I'm not alone in my experience.
It's extra confusing if people around you are very conservative and would demonise any signs or acts of attraction to another person. The kind of people that expect you to get married but yell at you for talking to a boy they don't know.
I’m so happy you managed to find men on the ace spectrum. The cis man community (and even non-cis) tend to put high sex drives and interest in the category of masculinity.
As an ace lady, I support my asexual brothers! It's so sad, espcially when a lot of the basis of Rowling's TERF movement is "all men are inherent predators." :(
We had a male Asexual character on a daily drama we have in New Zealand called Shortland Street probably 15 years ago now. Based on this it was quite an accurate portrayal. Seems so ahead of its time now.
EDIT: sootmouthnz has put together the whole storyline on UA-cam for anyone interested. It’s named “Shortland Street Asexuality storyline”. Just keep in mind it’s a daily soap. Turns out Gerald is believed to be the first asexual character on mainstream TV.
Love that
Wait which character?
@@yourratnextdoor4185I believe his name was Gerald.
"We don't have the language to express attraction vs sex."
I'm not even ace and this made me feel so seen. I recently just had a conversation with a close friend where he and I talked openly about sex and attraction and what that means in our lives and with our respective partners. But just the act of having that conversation made his partner completely flip out. She is now trying to end our friendship because she thinks I'm trying to somehow steal him away from her... and all he and I did was talk.
It hurts a lot because this assumption that I'm a threat just because I'm a woman, (she's fine with him talking about sex with his guy friends) it makes me feel guilty just for expressing myself... Even as adults, we can't express how we feel, much less express our respect for other people's feelings, without someone getting the wrong impression and being upset. It's infuriating.
That is absolutely infuriating and completely unprecedented. It's not completely heteronormativity, but instead a lot of other harmful social norms jammed into one thing, but that shit does sadly affect how straight people function within their own relationships, since lot's of social norms against queer people also target non-queer people, as well. Men and women are given their own set of expectations within a strictly monogamous romantic relationship and are expected to not do anything outside of norm within that relationship; which yes, an "outside of norm" thing can sadly be a platonic relationship between a man and a woman who are not single. It's not right, and it's completely bunk.
@@anothercarttogo1819
Yeah and it's getting way more complicated the longer it goes on... An unfortunate but very common trait is that folks tend to double down in their beliefs, and refuse to communicate or see eye to eye. I feel like they just want someone to blame rather than to sit down and resolve the issue.
Sadly, I think the eventual upshot is that I've just lost two close friends over a jealous misunderstanding. Now I wish he and I had never talked at all... the only thing I want to do is apologize... 😔
@@themisfitowl2595 It is frustrating when people don't even want to actually use the double-sided nature of communication; as in, you state what has been bothering you and then you listen to what the other person has to say, and then conversation continues from there.
But, I'm so sorry for all that going on :(
I would say that it was not your fault at all in you two having that kind of conversation, and a conversation like that between two friends, who are a man and a woman, should be absolutely normalized. It's the irrational jealousy that is the problem here and not the sharing of you and your friend's experiences - but I do understand the feeling of wishing the conversation didn't happen at all.
@@anothercarttogo1819
Hey thanks. I've really felt bad about this for a while now, and just having someone (anyone) actually listen and talk to me is really validating. I appreciate you taking the time to respond, friend.
@@themisfitowl2595 It is no problem at all, I'm happy to listen if someone ever wants me to. This struggle in-between relationships is real and deserves to be validated, always. I've seen it unfold between other friends of mine and it always felt quite stupid to me. I hope that it could be resolved with you and your friend's partner, but on the off chance that it doesn't, just know that it wasn't your fault. This struggle with our platonic relationships may always be prevalent in our lives, but there are people out there who will accept your platonic standing with their own friends/partners, or at least, will communicate a lot more better than what happened between you and your friend's partner.
As someone in the ace spectrum (demisexual and demiromantic) I relate to a lot of what they are talking and super happy that they elaborate so much on these topics and feelings. Thank you guys so much for doing this and I look forward to the other assumptions you do as well!
Demi crew represent!! 🤍💜🖤
@@I_am_Lauren hell ya!!!!
@ville__ 1. demi has nothing to do with being trans lol
2. what is it about people going about their lives that has nothing to do with you that makes you so angry causing you to not only click on videos you dont like, but to read the comments to tell random people to kill themselves?
like lets put into perspective how depressingly sad that is LMAO
@@JaelleJaenjust report them as spam, they are spamming the same garbage everywhere
@@JaelleJaen homophobes when people live their life
"Homosexual isn't a sexuality. If you like men, just date men"
It’s wacky to realize that people can easily recognize this statement as problematic, but will not see a thing wrong if you modify it to apply to aces…
Wouldnt that be homo-romantic? Liking men but not needing to have sex with them? The part of the word is "sexual" for a specific reason. Without the rules of language, we wont be able to understand each other easily.
@@ChristinaMoralesMindfuqed I was pointing out the hypocrisy in saying "Asexual isn't a sexuality. If you don't like having sex, just don't have sex"
@@Uggnogohhhhhh i see! 😮 Makes sense! Totally agree
your right Homosexuality is not a sexuality its a word to describe people who are attracted to the opposite gender. gay straight bi are sexuality
Wait those movies about guys trying to get laid... They aren't meant to be taken as a joke?
People actually value sex THAT much?
Yeah, they do :/
Yes, plenty of people do. Which isn't innately a problem on its own either.
yes, its kind of the default programming in the west anyways
Well, there's definitely a degree of exaggeration for comedic purposes, in that sense it's a joke. But yeah, sex is highly valued by most people, just look at groups of people like incels.
I’m a hypersexual person and I also thought that was the joke of those movies 🤷🏻
As someone who is asexual and is also a biology student: if male asexuality was a symptom of low testosterone, then it would be correlated with other symptoms of low testosterone (which it is not) and it would be reversible with testosterone supplementation (which it also is not). Asexuality and hormonally reduced sex drive are not the same thing, and asexuality is no more deserving of being pathologized than any other sexual minority.
Well said!
And might I also add, there were experiments done to "cure" homosexual men back when it was considered a disorder in the DSM-V somewhere I found, where they used testosterone supplementation. The results depicted men that turned out to be hornier and were _still_ gay.
Sad part is, people still think that gay men have Low-T despite how mostly all the attempts that were made to "change" them didn't work.
Thanks 🏵️
The assumption about seeing the first two Transformers movies is so funny, because I’m that guy who was more excited about the Camaro and the big fighting robots then Megan whatever-her-name-is 😂
I liked all of those things haha. That was a funny question though.
Young me liked Jazz more than Meghan fox if I'm gonna be honest. rip my boi
For real, I’m here to see a bunch of vehicles and planes transform into giant robots and fight kaiju-style, get out of here, Megan, you’re in the way
It's also an interestingly arbitrary take because it frames asexuality as this relatively new concept. Like why go back to just 2007, did conventionally attractive people not exist before that point? I remember watching a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my older siblings and Im still an ace guy.
I've never conformed to really society standards type so once I found out I'm aroace I wasn't scared of saying I'm aroace
17:02 - YES. I struggled to explain masturbation to a friend of mine in regards to asexuality. In the end, I pretty much said, "pleasure is pleasure, it's perfectly healthy and normal to masturbate. The difference is, never in my life have I ever fantasised about a real person sexually. I've never felt attracted to anyone in that way."
...but it could be different for others who identify as ace, it's individualised 🤷♀️
Him saying, "It's just an extra new label, why?"" because he thought everyone already felt like that so the label was redundant--I vibe with that so hard LOL.
Now we just need to an Allo vs Aro vs Ace conversation.
Quick question what does allo mean? Not being rude just wanting to learn 🫶🏻
@@kettlecorn2197 Allo, just means someone who experiences sexual attraction...so like "the norm" kinda....if that makes sense
@@Nikki-lh1tu ohhhh ok thank you!
@@kettlecorn2197 No problem, always happy to help 🤍
@@Nikki-lh1tu well allo is short for either allosexual, those who feel sexual attraction, or alloromantic, those who feel romantic attraction.
The number of times people have asked “do I find this person attractive” and when I respond that they are nice-looking, it’s immediately assumed I want to jump their bones. Like, no? I can appreciate that someone is attractive without being (sexually) attracted to them.
For the longest time, I just thought maybe I was the weird one in the conversations. What a relief it was when I learned about being ace.
As an asexual girl, I thought it was the standard to appreciate someone looks good without feeling attracted to them
It's like a nice sunset.
They're very pretty. Don't want to screw them.
@ville__ Get a hobby, child. Grow up.
@@Roadent1241 Ignore and report with these sorts of assholes. Responses scratch their vile itch
i didn’t even know people immediately thought of sleeping with someone if they found them attractive what-
Closeted A-sexual female here.
Thank you for all of this.
I am so very ashamed and afraid, but this helps ❤
Don't be ashamed of who you are! You are a wonderful person who deserves nothing but the best! I can't tell you not to be afraid because even at 51, I am still afraid. I'm conquering one of my fears tomorrow. Talking to my doctor about my possible ADHD that has never been diagnosed but started to affect my life.
@@3ch1dna07 I was never ashamed to be gay, but being Ace feels so... alieninating. I also feel the struggles of undiagnosed ADHD. I hope you get the answers you are looking for!
@@Normalizeewee ❤️❤️❤️ ❤️ My youngest son is asexual and I don't love him any less. It's scary out there but know that someone out there does care about you and how you are doing. Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@3ch1dna07 Oooh good luck for that! I'm sure it will go well regardless of the outcome!
@@blazeflappybird thank you! I hope so. This sucks.
I think that asexual men and aromantic women have a lot of similar experiences based on gendered expectations regarding sex and romance.
As a woman, I’m both and tbh I think for me it’s been far more difficult to get people to understand what being aromantic means. Everyone always acts like I’m being dramatic. I think people get hung up on how a person can be aromantic and still care about someone. I still can experience friendship, love for my family, and close connections. I still want to be around those people, I’m Meg Ryan but I don’t need a Tom Hanks. I’m good with just having a Rosie or Heather. Also yes, I can like romance films and still be Aroace.
Is there any representation of aromanticism in media that you enjoy or connect with?
@@allyson-- Stephen Universe. The idea of just having a close fusion relationship where you work together is so sweet. I mean you do have fusions built on romantic love like Garnet, but you also have Smoky Quartz, Opal, Sardonyx, Rainbow Quartz, etc. They are close enough to have that bond and be platonic. It’s my fav!
@@Luscious_Nature Yeah, aromanticism is less known than asexuality. I can list on just one hand the number of people who have come out as aromantic, and they're all online influencers. I never tell anyone that I'm aromantic unless they are aromantic themselves because I don't want to have to do a whole lecture on what that means, especially in combination with not being asexual.
@@queenemmers I came out to one friend once and that was enough attempts for me. You get burnt out pretty quick. Most of us are INFJ so I’m sure we can get the satisfaction of coming out when we practice our interactions in the morning lol.
Asexuality is not a preference. It also doesn't mean that a person doesn't want to have sex. It means that a person experiences low or no sexual ATTRACTION (or only in specific instances such as with demisexuality). Desire for sex and attraction are not the same.
At the end of the day, a person can feel attraction without needing that attraction to lead to a physical encounter AND a person can have sex, enjoy it even, without experiencing sexual attraction.
I'm so happy they went into the differences of what ace can mean. But the assumptions themselves got to me.
I'm asexual, but I can still have sex. It's just, I don't enjoy sex for sexual reasons. Rather, I get other things out of sex, like emotional connection with someone and enjoying making someone happy. Granted, I'm far from a typical case on the ace spectrum.
soooo what abt those who dont have the desire to or anything like that
@@Cyberweasel89 I'm in that same boat with you. I'm Ace but also married. I don't necessarily enjoy sex all the time, but I do very much enjoy that time with my partner.
@@willowdragonheart Yeah I tend to look at sexual activities with my partner as a way of connecting with them emotionally and physically. I suppose it's a bit like playing Twister together? It can be fun, just not for sexual reasons. It's more about the shared experience. That and the affection and trust involved.
What you said was true except the "you can enjoy sex without experiencing sexual attraction". That isn't true or makes any sense lol. It's like saying, "I enjoy running without having legs". There's a difference between enjoying the activity called sex and just seeing your partner happy because y'all had sex. *That* doesn't mean you enjoy sex.
Ace rep for pride???! Thank you!!
Aces be winning this pride!!! This is the pride year for the aces!!! 🖤🩶🤍💜
@@_anonymous_creature_ While I am very glad ace guys are getting this representation (and ace gals a while back), especially during Pride month when many people feel ace doesn't count as a "real" sexuality (it's the LACK of one, people! that is queer as hell), let's not talk about it in terms of "winning"/this year being "for" any one group. This is meant to unite people, but wording our excitement like this can feel like we're pitting groups against one another, seeing a certain group as superior or not being as important/valid as that group. Rather voice your excitement without any comparing-language
(I don't believe it was your intention to hurt anyone with this at all, just trying to show you why non-ace queer people might take offense to/be put off by this. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and we're all fully within our rights to celebrate Pride in whatever capacity we wish to
@bondvabond where's this energy when YOUR side is talking shit and popping off against us asexual?
Hoping to watch all of this later today, but I just want to say how grateful I am to see ace men chatting together, because ace men are really under represented in communities online and in person. Appreciate you all, and appreciate this channel for giving them this space.
"Well if you don't want to then don't" which turns into "BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DON'T YOU WANT TO????? THAT'S WEIRD JUST TRY WHAT DO YOU MEANT YOU TRIED YOU DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH BLAH BLAH BLAH" and just... Bingo board!
As an Asexual Woman. I thank you!
In a culture predominated by words used to describe sex and sexual attraction it can be dificult to articulate our asexuality and nuanced experiences to allosexual people.
As someone who identifies as questioning and someone who is questioning being ace, i'm so excited to watch this video. Thanks Anthony! ❤🎉
I identify as grey, for many years sex was such a huge problem for me. I couldn't explain to myself why I don't want it (yet I like the person romantically)... Now i understand that I would force myself to have sex just for that person not to think of me weirdly. It's such a huge problem to explain to oneself that not having sex with a person that you are romantically attached to is normal... Yes, it may be difficult to explain to you partner, but I encourage you to take your time and for the sake of your sanity do not break yourself over the concept of "normal"
I'm not asexual, but hearing them comment about "locker room" talk and they go "oh your actually serious" made me just appreciate there are other people out there that see these kinds of talks or general like, HEAVY sexual desire/discussion about people they're into, and cock an eyebrow to it. I was not the type of teenager in high school to go seeking relationships or wanting to have sexual activity with people during that time and it always felt so *weird* how often and casual it was for so many of my classmates like, aren't you guys worried about the math test coming up or a cool video game coming out soon? If anything, it felt like I was the only normal person in school who knew how to keep that kind of shit to myself and be more in tune with my hormones than most people, and actually see reason vs impulse.
French ace men here, thank you so much for such a wonderful visibility on the matter with an interesting and engaging conversation ! It took me soooo long to understand, learn about asexuality, find myself and stop thinking that "I am broken, I am the problem, I must be the problem.". So If you're on that path of understanding and healing right now, know that you're not alone ! At all ! Love !
As a genderfluid asexual, it’s really comforting to me to see asexual men talking about these assumptions and their own experiences.
I feel like the way society has been built up over several decades has really put the pressure on men/masculine people to seek out sex all the time, when in reality it’s not what all men want.
It’s also interesting listening to them talk about how sexuality can be fluid and change at any moment. There’s so many people out there who think your sexual/romantic attraction can’t change, when in reality it can change very frequently as you develop, or it might not change at all. In my case, I’ve identified as asexual and aromantic since I was 13. I’m 19 now, and while I’m still ace aro, I recently discovered in 2023 that I’m genderfluid.
@JohnJones-of5ze They aren’t even talking about pronouns?
@ville__ No one cares!!
@JohnJones-of5ze how is telling another human being to die 'good work'?
Sexual orientation isn't fluid and can't change. That's just a scientific fact. The way you feel attraction might change as you grow, but not to who you feel it.
If you're gay it's because you were born gay. If you're acearo like me, it's because you were born this way. You can't "arrive" at queerness. It's not a place. It's a sexual orientation 💀
Thank you so much for this episode!! As an aroace person myself it's hard enough to find any aspec visibility at all, let alone perspectives from ace men, so I really appreciate the opportunity to hear their thoughts and experiences.
I think it's very important to point out that sex positive is a political stance towards sex in society, it's about not having sex as a taboo and believing that people should be free to express their sexuality.
What they were trying to talk about was sex-favourable, meaning someone open to the idea of sex in their own life.
I feel the distinction is important because they has been a lot of sex-negative discourse lately with the rise of conservative views
I am sex positive. I am also sex repulsed. I would never do it with another person, but I don't seek to control what other people do. Keep it safe, sane, and consensual.
I used to be on the other end of the spectrum- sex phobic. I had a panic attack once when my friend joked that our other friend was ditching school to have sex. Now I realize that my own weirdness shouldn't intrude on the behavior of others in the privacy of their own homes. So, yes. The distinction is important and necessary.
Thank you!
there is also a lot lf sex-negative discourse amongst ace content creators. even ones that are sex-favourable. a hell of a lot of them still act like being alo is somehow just uncivilised or something. quite a few of them say alo people should absolutely be OK with dating ace people. because to some of them, only the ace person really matters.
@@NoiseDayThank you!!! I'm the exact same; I'm sex-repulsed myself and would never do it with anyone, AND I'm also sex positive towards society at large. As long as you keep it safe, consensual, and in the bedroom, enjoy yourselves.
My husband is demisexual, a sexuality on the ace spectrum, and he’s my favorite person. ❤
When my partner and I got together in college (we grew up 1 hour apart but only met when we both went out of state for college) I presented as a bi/pansexual cis woman. With an asterisk, I'd tell you "Well I'm definitely a woman BUT" lol. They presented as a cis het man. We dated, moved in together, got married... we'd both always wanted to be parents, and at the time we both were performing what we thought we were supposed to- doing the "you have sex thing, that's what you do"... I at the time tied a lot of my worth to the sexual attention a partner would give me; hypersexual due to trauma and my own stuff. Often our relationship would be strained when I didn't feel like they were attracted to me 'enough' or didn't feel like they wanted sex when that, again, was how I was deriving so much of my worth. We did a lot of growing together, and a lot of growing up, and a lot of supporting each other. After ten years together I came out as nonbinary trans masc, and my partner a few months later came out as non binary and ace- which in the end, from the place I was at when they finally said it, it finally made perfect sense. And it took so much pain and pressure off of that feeling of tension and sex life and... everything. I've been on T now for 2+ years and we are a very visibly queer couple these days, which feels really funny from the people we met each other as. We have an amazing 12 yo kid who is absolutely the light of our lives, and it's just.... been truly the best part of my life living together with the love of my life, and becoming happier together. I've wrestled with my sexuality a lot over the years because of trauma and come to a place where I realized I am demisexual/ace adjacent; it's truly weird because it feels like I've really lived two different lives, but holding them up to each other I can see the life that feels empowering and correct for me, and compare it to the pained 20something trying to meet expectations that I used to be. We've been together 17 years, married for 14, and I am happy to think that soon I will have spent more time with them in my life than without them. I'm poly, and my girlfriend of 4 years is also ace and has a demi fiancee (who is an absolutely wonderful person). Attraction and sexuality is complex in some ways, but understanding and accepting that people experience them differently is so simple.
Wow this comment made me cry, it is so nice to hear of asexual people discovering themselves and forging happy lives together. It gives me hope. Thank you!
I felt the same way about the “sex-coms” I still do. Idk if I am ace but I find this extremely cathartic, thank you.
I had a friend tell me that they had to ask someone what my situation was called, and that was when I realized that there may be people in my life who would benefit from a “coming out” conversation with me. I was 26 and the two responses I got were that they’d already figured out I was a hermit (inside joke because I enjoy my alone time) or that they’d thought I might be a lesbian.
We frequently joke that the closest I come to dating is having friends. And while there are downsides to not having a partner in a society that is built on the assumption of a partner, I am so much happier just living my life as my hermit self. 😊😊
Are you aroace?
@@spaceorc1397 yeah, which means I was giving nothing lol
Its fantastic too see more ace representation, plus it was really refreshing to see ace black men, being able to personally relate is rare for me on the internet. Keep up the dope work Anthony ❤!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ANTHONY!!! THIS SERIES IS SO MUCH FUN!
Thank you Anthony for your constant support of the Ace Community through your content! I’m Ace with an Ace partner. This is amazing to see from the male perspective. I only know a few male Aces, my partner included. There’s not enough representation.
My best friend is ace man, possibly AroAce (his words, not mine). Dude be more flithy than I am (I'm a demisexual woman) when we joke around with our other friends. Just because he makes dirty jokes doesn't mean he wants or needs sex/secretly having sex behind our backs and not telling us.
I will forever remember the day he came out to me. He first came out to three people - myself included. I'm honored that he felt comfortable to tell me (and he was in for a surprise to know his bff was also within the spectrum). To be fair, we both agree that it's hard for any one of us to explain our sexuality (or queerness) to others, and sometimes feel shunned or misunderstood even by the LGBTQA+ community. I appreciate these kinds of videos because they help others learn about Asexuality and Ace people in general. To my fellow Aces, Demisexuals and Grays - Happy Pride to us all!
Happy pride!
shut up
@@Schtaggy someone's triggered (I was reply to someone who told OP to shut up)
Happy pride to you too! 🏳️🌈🫶🏻
@@jkdonnie23😅
@@LukeyLaughs buddy what is u on about
"My uncle from another world" the MC is ace af! Then there is Saiki from "The Disastrous Life of Saiki K." who is also aggressively ace. I'm sure there are more but these two are my favorites!
I love Saiki K!!
My friend has this excellent metaphor: for their asexual experience, sex = bowling. Do I think about bowling a lot in my daily life? Not...really...ever. But some people are REALLY into bowling and go regularly! If someone suggests we go bowling, I'd probably be game? But I wouldn't necessarily enjoy bowling with a stranger.
Happy pride, y'all! 🏳️🌈🖤🩶🤍💜🏳️🌈
The fact that I completely off the cuff had the same freaking Megan Fox conversation with another Ace friend of mine with zero prompting just last week made that bit for me lmao what are the odds
THANK YOU! Oh my god, I feel so seen with that comment about the Ace flag.
Like, not only do the colors not go together, but I resent the implication that my life is less colorful simply because I'm not having sex.
20 years ago, as an 18 year old, I told another teenager that asexuality wasn't a thing in humans after she attempted to come out. I am Queer and should have been a safe space. Psychology said sex was a basic human need (just like food, water, and shelter) at the time. I was a dipshit. Understandable given I was 18 and speaking based on a special interest in psychology..... but I've wanted to go back and apologize to that person for damn near the whole 20 years. Sexuality is.. complex.. to say the very least. It is the point of so many intersecting identities that it's really hard to figure out our own sexuality, much less any other human beings.
I just really hope that she forgot that moment as unimportant and irrelevant and didn't carry it with her and I have tried to be mindful of how I speak to people when they share anything about themselves. If I've learned one thing, it's when someone tells you who they are: believe them.
Thank you so much for this!!! It is so comforting to hear from ace men and knowing that they are out there. I'm an aroace trans guy and I hope to find more ace men to be friends with (or at least men who don't talk about sex all the time).
@10:18 I have explained it to straight women (since I am an Ace woman) as "girl crushing". I can love her hair, attitude and soul but I'm not about to bed her. I am excitable and friendly, so I easily make friends, but I also keep an inner trusted circle, like anyone else. There's just no objectification of them from my end.
Another Ace person online said it differently with "It's like admiring art at a museum. You recognize beauty and intelligence, you just don't take it home."
For those who are fluid, if and when we do have sex, it's still a different experience for us and we don't seek it out the way society expects us to, so we still don't "fit in" with societal norms. We also get equally rewarding feeling from very normal things so the "reward" for sex isn't better than [insert Ace personal high reward]. I don't hate sex, its just not the highest reward for me and I'm fantastic at "handling it myself".
There are so many assumptions that only women are ace. As an AMAB masc agender person, it's nice to see the representation.
They're dead on, in talking about what i experienced growing up in Texas. Lots of conflicting messaging: "you're GOING to want this, but also DON'T, and if you don't want it you're doing it right because GOD, but wrong because MEN."
I got really good at making and imitating what others appeared to experience and want, for fear of seeking like an "other."
The fundamentalist christian angle on asexuality is completely brutal. You’re somehow in the wrong for not having an innate desire to “sin,” and are considered to be a freak because you have no trouble following the teachings that say not to have sex before marriage. Just yet another great aspect of fundamentalism
@@dawert2667 absolutely.
I’ve felt that. As a teenager, I was congratulated by adults for not having romantic or sexual attraction. Now as an adult, they’re grilling me on marriage and babies. You do know how those happen, right? People generally don’t start having these attractions only once they’re 18. I made it extremely clear that I wasn’t interested as a teenager and you can’t change who I am.
@@theshire9173 I finally got my mother say out loud the words "I understand that I will not get grandchildren from you, until and unless you decide to adopt in the future, and I'm okay with either option."
"If you dont want to have sex dont have it"
The thing is Asexuality isnt a choice to not have sex. Its the lack of sexual attraction. Asexuality ≠ Abstinence
100%
It means both. (as in either not that you have to be both)
@@Slim333yBoi It literally doesn’t.
@@Jack_Flapper yes it does. it means a lack of interest in sexual activity too.
@@Slim333yBoi
Abstinence:
The practice of restraining oneself from indulging in something.
Asexuality:
The lack of sexual attraction to others.
They are not the same thing whatsoever, not all asexuals choose to be abstinent and being abstinent does not make you asexual.
I spent 40 years thinking I was broken, less than whole, or in need of sex therapy when I was actually an ace woman all along. The day I realized was immense .. a freeing moment in my life but also tragic when I realized the enormous negative impact of all those decades not knowing... not understanding. And I can't relive my youth. The modern pride movement and freedom of information & support is SO VALUABLE. SO CRUCIAL! Thank you for your channel and all who participate.
27:25 As an allosexual person with a very high drive who is married to a person currently on a journey of potential ace spectrum self-discovery, the first part about finding his partner beautiful made me cry. Our relationship is rock-solid and I feel very secure in my spouse's desire to be with me, but something about hearing it from a person who isn't talking directly to/in front of someone with an emotional stake in their response hit a little different. 🥺💜
I am sooo happy to hear the men in our community have a platform to speak up and share their ace/aro spectrum experience 💜 Ignorant people will say ace/aro specs don't experience challenges and hardships in society. I mean HELLO have you looked around at how our society is constructed? The significant importance placed on sex. The fact that people determine a person's worth and "attraction" solely based on looks, swiping left and right as if they're objects of interest. The insane expectations and norms placed on men for how they're expected to present and be. Arg, I get so fed up living in a society sometimes that is so narrow-minded in how it views and constructs attraction, relationships, sex and dating.
So, I am female, and I realize this is about men, but I definitely related to a lot of what was said here. Locker room talk happens with girls too, and I hated every moment of it. I couldn't understand why the first question out of girls' mouths were "did you kiss?" after I went on a first date. There is so much more to people than just seeing them as satisfying a sexual desire.
I am not really sure if I am ace, or just religious, or just autistic. It's hard to tell, honestly. I don't like people touching me, and the thought of intercourse terrifies me (as does kissing on the lips). I've had sexual fantasies, but really began to see that they were just that--fantasies. I don't actually want them to be real and am content to keep them in the fantasy realm. I can definitely see myself being intimate with someone, though, like the cuddling/hugging. There are very very select few guys I have felt comfortable enough with to imagine I would be okay with it. But even then, when I am actually with them and enjoying their presence, I'm not constantly thinking of wanting more than what we are already doing.
About 3 years ago, I decided to identify to myself as demi-sexual and alloromantic. I definitely want a relationship with a guy. But I feel like I need to be extremely close to them emotionally before considering trying out something like sex. About a year ago, I discovered I am most probably autistic and it began to muddle things a bit for me. I am not sure what is me just having trouble processing things, not liking certain textures or sensations, or my sexuality.
I also think I have a high libido, which further confuses me. I get that you can have both a high libido and a low desire for sex, but I am trying to navigate it and failing spectacularly. I've had times where I am in an extremely high arousal state and can't calm it down (again, this could be because of processing issues that come with autism).
And finally, I have a best friend who is male and to whom I find myself extremely attracted to. I definitely want a romantic relationship with him, but I am struggling to understand if I want anything sexually or not. I feel very comfortable with him, and emotionally close to him, and I could see myself being willing to explore sex with him. I just can't tell if I DESIRE doing it with him. I sometimes feel like this could be resolved if I just actually experienced sexual intercourse, but I don't really wish to just willy nilly do that. I'd rather do it with someone I am married to and have made a commitment to.
On top of all this, I also can't tell if this is a normal thought process everyone else goes through or not. In my head, it is hard to imagine people DON"T go through this, but then I see what media puts out there and I am left to question what is really "normal" and what has been blown out of proportion by the media.
And I guess it is okay that I am still figuring things out. I just worry (because of being a people pleaser) that I am going to put other people off without meaning to and I already feel pretty ostracized from the world.
Not really looking for any responses, but maybe someone reads this and feels like they aren't alone because they are experiencing the same thing.
Nothing to add, but good luck. Being ace or trying to figure out if your ace is hella confusing
Thanks for sharing. I can relate somewhat to the autistic/ace confusion at least. It took me a long time to accept I'm aroace. At first I thought my autistic brain was just processing things differently and I WAS experiencing attraction but not recognising it. Then I decided I wasn't a "real" aroace because despite relating to so many stories from the community, I couldn't prove my autistic brain wasn't the source of those feelings. It took too many years of self-doubt and quietly feeling broken to decide that it doesn't matter where these feelings (or lack thereof) come from, I'm not going to stop being autistic and I'm probably not going to stop being aroace, so what does it matter how they're intertwined?
I can only imagine the additional confusion of navigating high libido, romantic attraction and (what sounds like) sexual repulsion. I wish you the best of luck
A big part of accepting myself was reading stories just like this under UA-cam videos. So every person brave enough to post their own experiences is so deeply appreciated, even if we don't share all the same experiences.
@@driftpaw5955 thank you for your response. It honestly touched me deeply, and it is helping me think about a few things 🥰
Happy pride! Aro/Ace women here. Glad to see the men's side of things!
I've always thought of arousal/libido as a physical sensation, while attraction is an emotion. If I bite into a strawberry, I taste it. That's a physical sensation that happens regardless of my input. However, if I like strawberry, then that's an emotional reaction. It's a similar thing with desire, I think.
That's interesting I see it as exactly the opposite I see libido or desire as an emotion and I see attraction as physical it's biology chemistry
I also see the strawberry is different whether you like or dislike his physical is it compatible with your chemistry however if you crave or love the strawberry that's emotional
16:42 "Maybe they're just bored on a Tuesday." This was uploaded on a Tuesday...
Thinking sexual attraction was a joke before you realised you were ace is one of the biggets ace moods
yeah, that ''i can be sexually attracted to someone, but i know the actual act itself isnt as enjoyable''. that's how i feel as an AroAce guy. im attracted to the ideas, but know i can't really enjoy it irl. im fine with just dating my right hand. also i have contamination OCD, and i kind of hate how you kinda have to sacrifice feeling of cleanliness to have sex. im not gonna trust how much someone else cleaned themself, or if they have STDs or something. none of that matters in imagination, which is why i'd actually rather just daydream.
this is so interesting. I also have contamination ocd that prevents me from having sex (or even kissing) but I never thought of myself as asexual because I still experience sexual attraction.
@@cvsistheft the ocd is just part of it, but not having the attraction irl to even make me want to do it is the main part for me. there is no battle between ''attraction'' and ''turn off'', as there is simply zero attraction to draw me towards doing it. i've had my first and last relationship, which was as an adult, and i realized i was just going through the motions that society ingrains in us, and that i didn't actually want anything to do with a relationship or irl sex, so i had to end it. been happily single ever since.
also, kissing is so repulsive to me 🤢
The cleanliness part is so real
It's why i also prefer fictional characters over real people in terms of attraction action
Also probably why I also find robot characters so attractive lol wjekkcks
Because they don't have gross bodily fluids and diseases lol
Like, even for non-sexual acts like kissing, which is also gross to me irl lol
@@_anonymous_creature_ yeah, fictional characters are where it's at for me too. even kissing is ok in 2D stuff, even tho it repulses me when seeing real people kiss.
But like...what does sexual attraction FEEL like? That's what has always perplexed me and prevented me from figuring out if I'm really on the ace spectrum.
as a Demi Sexual i explaine it to myself as such. do i like sex, yes. do i crave sex, no. is there a person in the world that i would say i want sexualy, no. have there been in my past, yes and no, and i only say yes because i found their company relaxing and refreshing and they made me feel comphertable enough that if a situsation arose where we where in a position to have sex i might have said yes. but other then that. no. no imediate thought of how can i "jump his bones" never came to mind.
*comfortable
I once saw someone describe their demisexuality as "asexual until proven otherwise" and as a demiromantic I clung on to that
As a female Demisexual, for me it's:
- I don't wanna have sex with people based on their looks, like celebrities.
- To even want to have sex with someone, I have to connect on some level. Aka get to know them.
- If I do connect with someone, it doesn't mean I'll start crushing on them. There is still deeper attraction needed.
- Basically, if all the boxes are ticked, yes, I'd like to sleep with that person.
If not, then I won't even have the desire to sleep with them. It just won't happen, and it's not forcable.
Aroace enby here, so happy to see this series continue. Thank you for giving a platform to queer voices Anthony!
🖤🩶🤍💜 Love seeing more videos like this!!
Great video, thank you.
I have been frustrated with my sexuality all my life and listening to this has helped me feel a little better about myself. It's nice to not feel alone.
Throwing in my two cents about the "what can non-ace folks learn from ace folks", there's this thing that can happen when you're in a relationship with an allo person, where the ace elephant in the room actually makes you kinda have to go all the way back to the beginning and find out what y'all ACTUALLY want from your partner and how your relationship can work, versus what you think a relationship has to be because of how society has conditioned you. I feel like a lot of people could absolutely benefit from going thru that process, because I've seen so many relationships fail because they weren't able to distance themselves from the idea they had of what they should be/had to do or how their relationships or partners needed to be, even when that was making them deeply miserable.
As an example: in my relationship, my partner actually discovered that the need for intimacy (be it emotional or physical) was actually totally separate for them to wanting to engage sexually with someone, and re-building our relationship from the ground up, from the most innocent of cuddling to where we're at currently, totally divorced from societal expectation and just listening to and communicating our own wants and needs, has been hugely helpful in making us happier and more comfortable as people and as a couple.
That's beautiful ♥
In my last relationship, my partner said for him there was a level of intimacy he could only get through PIV sex and that's why it didn't work out. For me I would have been fine without, or for him to get it elsewhere if he wanted, but he was strictly monogamous and only wanted that with me.
The talk about being in a friend group that makes a lot of sex jokes is so real 😅 I still feel embarrassed thinking back to weird things I'd say when pressed on the topic (I was avoidant of the subject and often when teens notice that sort of thing they feel the need to make a fuss about it.)
I'm ace and the normal assumption is "Oh you're gay, then" and just give up nowadays explaining it. Funny thing is my sense of humour is quite sexual and don't have issues with that kinda stuff lol
In school I "forced" myself to have crushes on girls as that was the normal and "gay" was the negative. I put up posters of pop-star women in my room cause that was the normal thing to do, but I felt so uncomfortable with it. Having pictures of a women I have never met, they have no idea who I am and I am suppose to be attracted to them? I found it very confusing.
Once I learnt of Ace people I felt alot more comfortable about it, as up until then I felt broken.
I'm sad the assumption videos don't perform as well. I love watching them ❤
@JohnJones-of5ze What?
@JohnJones-of5ze Dude, your take is bad. Bring your nonsense somewhere else.
@JohnJones-of5zeYou can't be serious, the "them" being referred to are *VIDEOS*🤦♀️This has to be bait.
@JohnJones-of5ze you are bizarre creature. Your rambling is inherently incoherent. What is the question "nice hat. Did you buy it at a store?😂😂😂" even supposed to mean. Like, where's the part that you think is funny? It's pretty normal to buy a hat at a store. Are you, perhaps, an alien trying (and failing) to blend into human society?
@JohnJones-of5ze where else do you buy stuff
I'm so glad this conversation is up. Happy Pride!
I'm really happy to see ace men proudly out and challenging assumptions about their orientation. they are seen and valid 🙏
It's nice to see more content for aces to try to talk about their world and experiences. It took me time and heartbreak to find out I was ace and sex repulsed. Like these men, I never make it a talking point. If it comes up I'm happy to discuss it with genuinely inquisitive people, but I understandably find many to be rather confused about it. I don't mind if someone can't grasp it, but it's a matter of respecting and attempting to learn. At the same time I want more people to be aware (for the sake of young aces figuring it out), it really can cause unnecessary drama or weirdness with friends and family. I date a heterosexual man and I would hate for strangers or friends to see him as less manly because of our relationship so that's more reason for me not to make an open/pride/educational post to FB. Closer friends are aware and we make jokes all day in good faith. I wish more people could be cool enough to share with.
I can sympathize with living in a hypersexualized society and feeling alienated, or like an outlier. However, a take I dont agree with that I always hear discussed in ace circles, is that non-asexual people mostly think in terms of sex, and dont have the deeper depth to relationships ( even platonic ones ) outside of sexualized discussion and/or an overtly sexual lense. As someone who IS hypersexual ( and ofc, even if I can sympathize with aces, I will never claim to understand their experience ), my relationship does not strictly revolve around sex, and sexual attraction. It's THERE, dont get me wrong. And I DO have an exceptionally high lebido. But being fully transparent, my attraction and love for my partner didnt stem from sexual feelings, even if they DID develope over time. I wasnt drawn to them just cuz "sex sex sex!" I just kinda feel like a lot of aces ( especially in my friendgroup, which has more aces than not, ironically ) seem to kinda group us all in a box ( again ironic ), where we all supposedly only think like the hyper masculinized, hypersexual, one-minded 2-Dimensional barely fleashed out characters.
There is SO much depth to intimacy, not just in the sexual acts. And then there is so much depth WITH the sexual acts. There's nothing wrong with being ace! And Im not gonna be an asshole and say "yOuRe MiSsiNg OuT!"
I guess my point is, we, TOO ( at least some of us, lol ), appreciate all the nuances that go into forging relationships, and all the varias forms of attraction.
The real enemy here is heteronomativity and the patriarchy, lmfao. Anyway, Happy Pride! Im glad we got an episode with Ace Male perspectives, cuz I do feel like people assume it's a mostly female ( or xx chromosome ) experience; and it's important to shed light onto the diversity within every community!
It's definitely one of the issues that, while ace people are probably confronted with a bit harder, so many people face. Men especially are thought of as being hypersexual or that sex is always key to a relationship, but anyone can value romantic or platonic intimacy over sexual and it's a shame that's not the expectation
As an ace person myself (I can't speak for the whole community) I think the notion is not that allosexual (non-asexual) people can only think in the dimension of sex, but that sex is an ever-present factor. There are seldom spaces or discussions about personal relationship in which some form of sexual dynamic isn’t a significant factor in how each party behaves (I specify *personal* relationships because more distant relationships, e.g. transactional ones, can often avoid this by their ephemeral and more formal nature). Even if that sexual dynamic is negative, like "oh I don't want to behave this way because I don't want to give him the idea that I'm into him." It's still very different from how many aces navigate the world, who may often forget to even consider that it's possible for them to be read as being "into" someone. So it's less about allosexuals ONLY seeing intimacy on a sexual axis, and more about them often not being able to even fathom intimacy WITHOUT a sexual axis. At least, that's a more realistic observation imo. Which, for the record, isn't and should not be viewed as a failing in any way, simply something that we should be aware of that may create obstacles in the way aces navigate the world and their personal relationships so that we continue to overcome such obstacles in our effort to build bridges and community :)
I agree and this is why I really hate that one of the ace stereotypes in media is ace people who think not wanting sex makes them "better" or a heightened form of human and that wanting sex is like cavemen nonsense ace people are superior not to have. It's something I see a lot and it makes me angry.
@pajama-sam As another ace woman, this is my feeling exactly. Of course there's nuance on either side, it's more an over-exaggeration of the differences so that people with other experiences can have more of a chance of understanding ours. But it's definitely not that black and white, which OP points out perfectly
@@pajama-sam I second everything you're saying! The problem is not people experiencing sexual attraction, it's that they assume everyone else does in the same way. I don't think that sexual relationships are somehow shallower, but I do think that a lot of allosexual people end up being so focused on their romantic/sexual relationships that they don't pay as much attention to their friends and when they do it's only to talk about sex and relationships. That's not to say all of them are like that! But it's a trend that I've noticed among my friends which makes me feel a bit alienated from them. That's probably why your ace friends talk like that - from our perspective it seems like sex takes up a lot more space in your lives, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make us feel like outsiders.
18:14 My then gf said to me that I'm not demisexual, that I just have a low libido, and then also sort of shamed me for not wanting to have sex all that often. It is very important to talk about these sorts of things and even though I identify as demisexual and not asexual I still relate to a lot of the things that were said here.
10 years later, I still haven't been in a relationship with anyone or had sex and some part of me think that it's a bit of a failure since I wasn't in that good of a relationship (I want to replace it with a good experience), but at the same time I don't really care. I'm fine the way things are.
Woah! That’s nuts man, I’m glad you’re not in that situation anymore.
As an Ace person, I squeaked with happiness, seeing this pop up in my recommendations!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! IM so glad to see this and the earlier one. Happy pride, everyone.
dude on the left is so well spoken about this!! good shit! everyone did good but he stood out for sure
love the shout out to our secret ace pirate king luffy!!
I'm ace and I'm the one in my friend group that makes the sex jokes because that is all it is to me, a joke
Fun fact: there are (at least) 6 types of attraction. Familial, attraction towards family or family-like love; Platonic, friendly love; Aesthetic, attraction to someone's looks, but not necessarily them as a person (aka, you just think they look pretty); romantic, non-physical deep love; sensual, physical attraction, though not to the level of having sex; and sexual, shocker, you are attracted to them in a way that makes you want to sleep with them. Any of these can have the same labels we add to sexuality (bi-romantic, a-platonic, etc.)
Mentioning Ace men in media, there is a character in the show Hazbin Hotel. He’s from the 1930s, and it seems he doesn’t understand fully grasp labels. The broader viewers only discovered he’s Ace when his best friend made the joke of him being with a girl, then said, “I’m just kidding. I know you’re an ace in the hole.” To which he replied, very confused, “A what now?”
I had to pause it, and rewatch because I wasn’t sure I had heard them correctly. I then proceeded to watch it on repeat, happy and laughing that it was in the show. To make things better, when asked how Alastor could be ace because of how he acts, his actor replied with “You don’t have to fuck to be fab.”
I'm gonna hope for a badge with "you don't have to fuck to be fab" because that is perfect.
As an asexual transwoman.. my T level pre transition was way above the normal level 🫣
We need an episode on the aromantics dude. We need more representation dawg.
the best way ive come up with to describe my attraction to people as an asexual is i find people pretty like how people find flowers, butterflies, fairy lights and fireworks pretty. however i do not want any of those things in or around my body.
Feeling insecure abt my asexuality thus makes me feel much more welcome in the community
Why insecure? Are you unsure if you are or are there outside factors making it harder? It's all right to say asexual now and change later. Being an "invisible" sexuality you don't have to share with others unless you want to
@@AllanDatGuy insecure about being it cuz of stuff mentioned in the video but turns out other aces have it so I’m ace afterall
Yeah me too, good timing for this to come up in my recommended
7:19 Reducing asexuality as just "not wanting/having sex" is such a superfical take. Asexuality isn't just not having sex. It is the lack of, or low, attraction towards people. There are ace folks who will have sex, for a variety of reasons, and remain ace. It not about not having sex, it's more than that, and because of that fact, it stands as an identity.
I'm a 61 year old bi/demi-romantic ace, who came to that knowledge in my late 40s. In my case, I've _never_ experienced any sexual attraction, nor had any _innate_ desire to engage in sexual activities. The only term I ever heard to describe women - who I now presume - were in the same boat, was the word "frigid" (keep in mind that I came of age in the late 70s/early 80s. Different times). That was an ugly word that always made me feel so uncomfortable, because I *am* a very passionate person...just not in terms of sex. When I finally found AVEN, it was like a lightbulb turned on in my mind. There were others like me! All within a spectrum called Asexuality. I can't tell you how wonderful that 'coming home' realization was, and continues to be.
Happy Pride 2024 to all...and especially all others in the Ace spectrum! 🖤 🩶🤍💜
The thing about preference and it being about who you want to do certain things with is inaccurate because it is about the attraction element. Say let's compare attraction to craving cake if you see cake. You can eat a cake if you aren't craving cake but are hungry. You can eat it if you aren't hungry or craving and still enjoy. You can choose not to eat cake regardless of if you are hungry, craving or not. Eating a cake doesn't change whether you crave cake or not.
If you are ace it means you don't experience a specific kind of attraction.
Being attracted to people doesn't guarantee you will act on it. Not being attracted doesn't mean you can't do certain things with other people. You don't need to feel attraction to someone to enjoy spending time with another person.
Very good analogy
Happy pride Anthony! Thanks for Highlighting all sorts of folks!