“try throwing a ball or a small object at him. it’s a great excuse to start a conversation, like, ‘hey, where did that ball come from.’” i’m going to try this
@@azoz-so5qrno of course not 💀. Some women can’t get the guy they’re fucking to commit to them because they’re either fucking a guy 2-3 points hotter than her or she may have a terrible personality but obviously the guy knows he’s having sex with her and notices her
"Like accidentally brushing your hand against his while he's pounding you.." "Something to just plant the thought of you in the BACK of his mind" Harsh, but hilariously genius
Its funny because I don’t know if it’s roasting women being cowards about hitting on men, or men being so emotionally avoidant that they manage to forget about you even during sex
Ask him to help you open a jar, then talk about how strong he is. This gets me every time. Great advice. Why I keep a jar of peanut-butter (Creamy, not chunky) bye the bed.
I have been watching this channel for a while now and this is one of the best you guys have done. It's hilarious on so many levels, particularly the immature one that we all love.
@samy701 More likely it's the Simpson's Effect. The Simpson's were able to predict some things from pop culture and society, as has South Park, mainly because they've got a good read on the general populace and are able to tell which way the wind is blowing. If either of them air a U.S. Civil War 2, it's time to pack up and leave.
Ahh at least TheOnion news has professionals behind it, not just a bunch of internet geeks like Failblog. This is why you guys never FAIL to deliver well selected quality content!
Man those people are excellent actors, I would piss myself if I ever tried to record something like that, even if I tried thousands of times I would still giggle at jokes like "Definately, That's what we do!" HAHA
I always avoided eye contact automatically must be because of my ADHD so my doctor hooked me up on stimulants and anti-depressants, it helps a little bit.
pure genius! I love it how they look so natural, as if it was a perfectly normal conversation that makes perfect sense. Mad respect for making this :D 11 people (or more) don`t have a sharp sense of humor!
Every cosmopolitan magazine in two and half minutes
Damn this is funny. Why no comments after 5 years tho?
@@lindsay4659 ok
@@lindsay4659 cuz ur mum gay
Yhhh, no comments
Helen Gurley Brown wishes she was still alive
If I ever direct a porno, I'm going to make a play by play of this video.
Did you do it?
Have you done it yet?
Stuflames what the fuck
@@stuflames4769 if you're a top and you don't moan during sex you're a boring little bitch.
Stuflames Shut the fuck up
“try throwing a ball or a small object at him. it’s a great excuse to start a conversation, like, ‘hey, where did that ball come from.’”
i’m going to try this
Do woman actually have this problem?
Oooh, sassy!
"I don't know, but if you want, I can show you mine."
That'd be worse than the random living thing that touched you during.. which they never you about
@@azoz-so5qrno of course not 💀. Some women can’t get the guy they’re fucking to commit to them because they’re either fucking a guy 2-3 points hotter than her or she may have a terrible personality but obviously the guy knows he’s having sex with her and notices her
"Like accidentally brushing your hand against his while he's pounding you.."
"Something to just plant the thought of you in the BACK of his mind"
Harsh, but hilariously genius
But it must be accidental! Otherwise you'll come across as creepy.
Rebeccah is such a confident woman! Who wouldn't love to blow their load into her?
Its funny because I don’t know if it’s roasting women being cowards about hitting on men, or men being so emotionally avoidant that they manage to forget about you even during sex
@@RapidBlindfolds
Yes. The Onion, especially old The Onion regularly took shots at everyone.
Aw man I dont get it
"Who's this new girl sitting on my dick?!" LMAO!
OOOH SASSY!
perfect!
I choked on my drink I know to brace myself for the onion but his reaction absolutely destroyed me
1:32
😂😂
оооо сосииии (funny thing, there is a russian word "соси" which is pronounced as "sassy" and means "suck my dick")
This is pretty raw humor, even by Onion standards.
Yeah, it's not even lubricated.
Love it
It's very similar to the few "Who's Fucking?" videos the Onion did in this sense.
raw onion's good sometimes, like in a burger or pico de gallo
almost shocking to listen to. Imagine this on television in any era.
1:53 lol the way the guy says wow
Owen Wilson loves cookies during sex
That would win me over
"Compliment him on his sheets" Works every time.
"Ask about bookstore", hard to forget her if she asks that
😂
I would gladly pay $10 for the outtakes to just this video.
if there is any i'm pretty sure these actors and actresses have some sort of gift.
$20, adjusted for inflation
Absolutely! They had to have burst out laughing delivering those killer lines !!
Wait! Where can I learn more about avoiding cancer by removing all my organs?
Perhaps the same place you learned your jokes.
Karl Rosenqvist Angelina Jolie.
Your name can't be "Rebeccah Rachel". YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE.
I KNOW RIGHT!??
Wonder if her last name is "Bunch Bloom"
There are people with last names that would normally be first names
Almost as bad as Elton John
@@adriannissen I know this comment is two years old but I just want you to know someone got the reference
"Take your child to help you look for work day."
I could just feel the sting of that joke.
It's really great!
2024 and holy hell this aged perfectly
Dear theonion, thank you for bringing back Today Now!
hmm
hmmm
hmmmm
hmmmmm
HHHMMMMMMM
The onion somehow manages to make things like this extremely hilarious but also so true to life at the same time
it's a sad life if this is true for you. only someone with zero self-respect would let themselves be used like a jizz sock.
Ask him to help you open a jar, then talk about how strong he is. This gets me every time. Great advice. Why I keep a jar of peanut-butter (Creamy, not chunky) bye the bed.
Only works for deeply insecure guys.
Other guys might be turned on by challenge - glue the lid to the jar and give it to them.
Chunky is where it's at. Even as a lube. You're missing out.
(Can't open the jar)
It's all fun and games until the dog opens the door and join in.
@@cattysplat Then the contest begins.
"REPORT: Majority of doctors spend every waking moment thinking about all the genitals they have seen"
Hahahaha
Finishing it off with the ‘just be yourself’ is literally how every magazine/talk show ends haha.
Yup, in the end it’s meaningless entertainment.
Lol. The news anchor lady is insanely good. Her mannerisms. I love her.
Why don't you throw him a couple of doggy treats while your at it! Lmfao 😂
*you're
Lifehack: I always use "youre" when I'm too lazy to type the '. Doesn't look quite as stupid, but saves some time
Woof woof
Im really sorry abt all these sheep in ya reply 66 🙄💜
it needs at least two scooby snacks
1:20 that's not even a question! ;D
1:20
I don't know why but this is one of the funniest Onion sketches I've seen so far.
Because it's so painfully true
@@SJNaka101 this does not fucking happen lol men still have to do all the initiating
I don't know either. It doesn't make any sense but somehow it works.
not even close
“Say something like, Hey where’d that ball come from?” “Oooo sassy” I’m fucking DEEAAADDDD
Lmao imagine if your woman gave you a cookie when you came. You'd feel cheap. 😂😂😂
It's a reward for completing the quest.
Beats a plain ol’ sandwich.
Well you are already dehydrated, the cookie's a tough one
I’d love a cookie
I most certainly would not! I would feel in love!
I have been watching this channel for a while now and this is one of the best you guys have done. It's hilarious on so many levels, particularly the immature one that we all love.
Holy shit, that line at the end. The Onion predicted Angelina Jolie!
@samy701 More likely it's the Simpson's Effect.
The Simpson's were able to predict some things from pop culture and society, as has South Park, mainly because they've got a good read on the general populace and are able to tell which way the wind is blowing.
If either of them air a U.S. Civil War 2, it's time to pack up and leave.
I want to see someone actually take this seriously!
I know i'm 5 years late but find a radical feminist on twitter
@@u.m.rcentral868 Do your own work, bitch.
"Take your child to help you look for work day" HAHA!
lmfao the guy just not caring on the book cover at the end
it took 12 years for me to stumble across this, the Onion just kept outdoing itself.
"Hey! Where did that ball come from?" "Ooooh, Sassy. :D"
Wow.
Next Friday is "Take your child to help you look for work day".
Lmfao.
"Make him Notice you"
Yell: SENPAI NOTICE ME
When he said "sassy" I just lost it. LMAO!
This is still my favourite from The Onion
Hands down one of the funniest Onion videos EVER.
I laughed so hard. I loved the guy's in-between comments :-D
Thank you for making my day.
The Onion's upcoming stories are absolutely hilarious...
2:03 "That would win me over!"
Imagine a warm chocolate chip cookie suddenly brushing your lips after that big moment... 🤤🤭
See, that shit's not funny!
That kinda shit will get people engaged, let alone noticed.
Slowly and gently push it against his lips just to see if he's hungry 😤
By far the funniest thing I've seen from the onion.
"Hey where did that ball come from?"
"Oooooh Sassy!"
after a decade ive finally found a new onion video. This is gold.
Oh my goodness. This is as hard-hitting as it gets. Another win for team Onion!
old school onion is so good
This has to be one of their funniest videos
two years later and this still makes my sides hurt
This is hilarious. Best onion video in a while.
The best Onion video ever... my aunt nearly got a heart attack from this.
Over a decade later, this video still slaps. The onion is timeless.
Actually more relevant in the age of Tinder and hookup apps.
Ahh at least TheOnion news has professionals behind it, not just a bunch of internet geeks like Failblog.
This is why you guys never FAIL to deliver well selected quality content!
Thank you this is VERY Informational i couldn't get this from CNN FOX or MSNBC Thank you the onion your non biased! Keep up the great work!
I’m so happy instilled into this. The onion is great.
I lost it at 1:34 - oh for fuck's sake, he's too good an actor.
Love these old Onion videos. They had great writers back then.
A great message indeed, Jim.
I also think Tracy is a confident woman.
MILF
Easily the greatest news report I've ever seen.
The "Wolf Blitzer girl" is great, too
2:01 I feel like the actor was absolutely not lying when he said this
Just when I think I've seen all the Today Now's, another one pops up. Yay!
Made 12 years ago and has never felt more current day.
This is way less awkward than the real version of this kind of shows
I need to write this down, this will help me please my man! The Onion delivers such good advice.
"No doubt about that - that is a great message Rebecca." Lol, the balls on that guy.
I fucking love how blunt The Onion is with their satire.
Well then, with that kind of knowledge, you just earned a All notifications enabled status. Now make me laugh!
Today Now is what makes the onion funny!
I've watched this 10 times in the past 2 days, this is the funniest shit ever
Sometimes I think Tracy is dying a little inside when she says her lines, like the irony is just too much.
holy shit i think this is the best one yet!!!
i can't stop laughing
Yey, old ONN returned.
This is, hands down, the most surreal Onion video.
Man those people are excellent actors, I would piss myself if I ever tried to record something like that, even if I tried thousands of times I would still giggle at jokes like "Definately, That's what we do!" HAHA
next on cosmo tips!
On the off chance that someone from the Onion is reading this... Keep this kind of stuff coming guys!
"Ask him if he knows of a good bookstore."
1:33 OOH, SASSY!!!!
I wish that book was real so so badly.
"Ohh sassy" lool
Welcome back Onion!
I always avoided eye contact automatically must be because of my ADHD so
my doctor hooked me up on stimulants and anti-depressants, it helps a little bit.
[2]
Funny shit the way they all keep a straight face go onion Best comedy around
Have a cookie ready for him, “That would win me over!” 🤣🤣🤣
The Dr. Seuss font in the diagrams makes it all more potent :0)
Geez. I've been doing it wrong all this time! No wonder my last relationship didn't work. Well, good thing I found this! lol ;)
Onion, you have totally redeemed yourself over the past couple of months of lacklustre vids. This was brilliant, the old format kicks ass.
Onion..... you never cease to amaze me.
Before the video started I laughed my ass off at the title. It reminded me of so many of my experiences.
this is an accurate advice. damn
pure genius! I love it how they look so natural, as if it was a perfectly normal conversation that makes perfect sense. Mad respect for making this :D
11 people (or more) don`t have a sharp sense of humor!
The Onion is the real news channel
Finally, the Onion returns!
"Hey were did that ball come from" - Yea that did it for me!
This video is very Lacanian.
The Dr Seuss font is a really nice touch
OMG, I don't think I ever paid attention at the end. "Take your daughter to look for Work Day." lmfao
Oh man, the onion talks about what actually happens xD
i'm forwarding this to my gf...
How did it go?
@@MondeSerenaWilliams oh, wow.
we are not together anymore, so I'm guessing not great.
@@AndreasFilms man replied to after 9 years true mvp.
I lol'd at "ooh sassy"
Notice how the first question from viewers isn’t even a question