Thank you so much for addressing ADHD in parenthood. Motherhood is like a mirror and a magnifying glass; it forces us to examine ourselves closely. My childhood ADHD resurfaced as an issue when I became a mother. All mothers struggle, but mothers with ADHD face unique challenges.
Thank you so much for acknowledging the importance of this dynamic. I feel like so much of the parenting literature and advice around ADHD kids assumes that parents are neurotypical and able to implement everything easily.
As a parent with ADHD you are a goldmine. My life worked quite alright until senior high school. I managed to get by by generally having an easy time learning things, but I later got kicked out of university. Four times. Managed to get a job (bassoon player in a symphony orchestra) and sort of managed by working a lot of 12 days and 2 days of an alternative weekend in a foetal position. That kind of management of course did not work when I met my wife and we got kids. I got recurring depressions which led me to finally getting my diagnosis. Now I am trying to get my life into shape by getting help with the structure and handling of everyday life. I think my largest problem right now is my bad conscience with regards to all the heavy lifting my wife is doing. I don't want to be an angry parent because I can't handle the situations parenting puts me in.
This is my story except i became a chef instead of a bassoon player. You know what's crazy? Both playing the bassoon well enough to play in a symphony and in my case working the line at one of the buskers kitchens in the world- a popular restaurant inside of the fanciest resort in Walt Disney world, both those things are incredibly challenging in their own regard. The fact we could do either but got kicked out of uni is insanely frustrating isn't it? I too floated on my laurels until college. I was a very smart kid and had an easy time with tests and remembering facts. But i was also always skipping school and chasing risky activities and friends. I wanted to eat the world in a giant bowl with whip cream on top! When i met my partner, i was just the fun crazy girl full of contradictions, that knew a little about everything, could blend into any situation with any group of people like a chameleon, and was probably intoxicating and addictive to others. I lived so hard and fast and everyone thought i was a good time girl who didn't take things seriously because they didn't know i would come home and collapse into a pile unmoving for 12 hours. And i could do that and disappear for 3 days because i had no children and i didn't live with my folks anymore. I was free, yet i was miserable plagued by feelings of mediocrity and being an unaccomplished jack of all trades. That's what led me to the kitchen to formalize one of my trades and prove i could do challenging things. I also worked 12 or 14 days followed by 2 off. And also spent the 2 in the fetal position. This was fine until i got pregnant. I unfortunately had an extreme case of pregnancy nausea which forced me out of work. I spent the next 3 years in a haze of depression, post partum depression, and rage episodes. After we had our second and everything got even worse, i realized i needed real help and nothing i had been told yet was the answer. It's been quite a journey hasn't it? Look at us on the other side with all this self awareness now... lol. Hugs mate from a fellow warrior. We keep marching!
Thank you for this, Dr.B. 💙 I wonder if other ADHD parents felt an upswell of shame watching this. I certainly did. Not because Dr. Barkley was harsh or shaming but because yes, I know that I am an imperfect parent and it can be painful to be told (even in the most straight-forward and non-judgmental of ways) the myriad ways I might be failing my sweet, annoying, hyper, unique offspring. (Edited due to ADHD-related rambling)
I really hope not. I am just trying to share the science as you note so we can manage families better by addressing some of these issues. And because the studies involve groups there are some adults in those groups who do just fine but it all gets averaged together with those coping less well and so are not as visible in the studies. I wish you all success.
It's like ADHD doesn't exist without shame. Mainly in adults or more grown children. You are so painfully aware of your shortcomings and your apparent inability to do much about it. The shame is for all the times we know we've let people down or ourselves down, which for many of us is unfortunately quite often.
I have ADHD and have 7 children, oldest is 13. We definitely see ADHD (and possibly ODD in youngers) in 4 of the 7. Looking forward to listening to this and more. I was diagnosed as a kid in the 90’s but left it untreated until a couple months ago when I learned about time blindness. I sketched out a 10-year vision where I put the ages of my kids at the end of 10 Years. Really helped me grasp the importance of getting my act together to both help my children build the right skills and enjoy our time while we can. Thank you for “retiring” and providing such great information in your channel!
@@petreangSure, it is definitely always a great Idea to blame the impaired person for their illness. Whenever I meet someone in a wheel chair I too tell them not to sit around so lazily and to finally stand up and walk around like everybody else does. People are always so thankful when I do that.
I have severe ADHD combined presentation, I am on strattera since my child was 6 mo ADHD doesn't impair responsability towards others. If I know that I have an highly impairing highly genetic neuropsychiatric disorder a) I treat my disorder (just for the risk while driving to kill someone) b) I think about this genetic risk well before the 7th child is 13
@@petreang If you are able to manage your ADHD, then good for you. Others aren't always as successful. You are right: One's responsibilities towards others remain the same wether you have ADHD or not. However, from my own experience I can tell you that ADHD when untreated can severely impair your perception of those responsibilities and also of what is required from you in order to fulfill them. And that is because you are just not up to the task and in my case I idid not even realize that. I was diagnosed in my fifties and even after that it took another couple of years until I finally started with the medication. People often tell how the medication changes or even enables their perception and compare it to finally putting the glasses on. And believe me: It hit me like a hammer when I looked around the emotional wasteland that I had created and in which I had made myself at home in fifty long years of delusion. That is not a situation where somebody barking at you from the side lines is of any help. IMO the connection between ADHD and ASPD (anti social personality disorder) in adults with untreated ADHD is still not recognized enough. Sure, who wants to accept and acknowledge that he has been and probably still is kind of an a-hole towards others? When it is so much more convenient to define oneself as a friendly but absentminded and easily confused soul? Starting with ADHD treatment later in life can be a rough and tumbly ride. For you and for your loved ones. Very probably you are going to have to ask people for forgiveness and first and foremost you need to be able to forgive yourself. Which includes a firm commitment to try and make good and make better in the future. The past is quite a sticky thing since it is engrained in our synaptical pathways. And these always lead us back into acting out those behavioural patterns that we've recognized as inappropriate.
Thank you for addressing this. So often I see such impossible advice for how to parent an ADHD child: all about adding routines and little checkpoints and sticker charts and point systems and basically making life SO much harder for the parent. I can't, I just can't. And sometimes I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, we do okay here. Some things that you suggest have been life savers for me. Taking turns putting the kids to bed, and my husband's in charge of making sure they brush their teeth regularly, and he does the bills. I am much more patient and playful with the kids than he is, though, and I have immense amounts of sympathy for my ADHD kid in his hatred of homework and know that it's not a matter of grinding it out but rather make it fun, or take a moment and send him to run around the house two times and then come back and write a bit more, etc. I don't get exasperated, or even if I do, it's not a shaming experience, because I completely sympathize. Like, "I know it's horrible! Look, your teacher just wants to know you understand, so how about you do these first three questions and then the last one and skip all those in the middle. Maybe she's okay with that." Or "hurry up, I'm so bored right now and I'm not leaving you until you've finished your homework, ahhh save me please do it quickly before your mother perishes of boredom!" Or, as he got older, silly threats. "Every time you say 'i don't know' before you even think about the question, I'm throwing a beanbag at your head!" And he fake-screams and laughs and tries again. I would suggest Janet Lansbury to parents of toddlers. Her way of parenting made all the difference for me. It just made so much sense and everything was easy. Also would recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Very good stuff in there. I have three kids and I do give them more freedom perhaps than is the case for many parents these days, but I'm fortunate that they are my hyperfocus. I always know what they're doing, when a fight is about to break out, what they're thinking, etc. It's exhausting but very interesting. I'm objectively a good enough mother, and at the same time I have gotten us into more risky situations than is ideal.😢 But then I got us out again. I am a SAHM, and aside from the house work and incessant need for cooking, I love it. I feel like my ADHD is an asset in that I can quickly switch from one task to another as needed, and actually it keeps me from getting bored. Also, it feels pretty meaningful to have kept these humans alive and helped them grow. That's important work right there! I have my suspicions that all three have ADHD, although only the oldest is diagnosed. We get along very well. No ODD at all. This is possible because I can stay home with them, and I don't think it would have been so "easy" if I'd had to work full-time. Even part-time was stressful and when allergies showed up in our family and most food had to be made from scratch, I couldn't cope with that plus work and I had to quit. I was getting way too snappy with the kids. I do hate cooking, and when you can't buy anything ready-made there's SO MUCH cooking.😢
I remember sending an email saying I'd love to see a book on parenting kids with ADHD when you as a parent have it! So happy to see you're putting info out there to help ❤ Thank you ❤️
Excellent point about medication. Now that my ADHD is medicated, I feel I have half a chance to engage in some kind of executive function training/occupational therapy. Without my meds I just wouldn't be compliant and would have become very frustrated and bored.
Where do you find that? Where should i look? I need people training classes lol! I'm ready to learn some coping mechanisms and learn how to work around my disorder
Thanks, Dr. Barkley, for this video. Unfortunately, there's no non-ADHD parent in our household to handle certain tasks or offload the stress of ADHD. Do you have specific tips for families where both parents have ADHD?
He is not a wizard maby it's a good idea to seek support outside the family? Or get a babysitter? Maby u can get accommodations, there is a lot of good devices on the market now. I've found excellent replacements for my working memory and time management, but they are costly. Still fighting for my rights.
I have severe ADHD, married at 36 after years together, first child at 37 totally planned and wanted. It's also a question of personality, if you have responsability as a value you try to live up to this value by any mean. It's not a moral judgement, but we ADHDs are different from one another, we are not "simply" our ADHD.
So true. The variability in symptoms is large among adults and the individual characteristics of each makes their case fairly unique. I hope things are going well for you.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 I am doing well, luckily I've found a lot of caring people and competent professionals. Thank you for your work, you are a giant in the field and still so dedicated, thank you.
So true! I’m a professional driver (certified) with ADHD. And I was certified long before realizing I have ADHD. I’ve heard from other ADHD people as well that they hyperfocus on driving so actually we can be much better drivers than NT people. When I drive around, I drive defensively and I’m often amazed at how distracted other drivers are. Basically, I follow every safety precaution recommended. I also hyperfocus on my child. When she is with me, everything else is irrelevant. And I have regular routines with her, including a very strict bedtime routine. Partially, this is because I was neglected as a child and I never want her to feel how I felt. I KNOW the importance of every single little thing that I do as a mother-because I’ve felt the pain of lacking that from my parents. Still, there are considerations that I have to keep in mind. For example, I probably won’t see or remember notes from her school-so her father has to tell me or remind me. I can handle appointments but it’s easier for her father (he doesn’t stress or forget about phone calls). With paying for summer camp, I might forget the checkbook so it’s better if her father handles it. Things like that… So her father is still a big help with some things that I may forget or not notice. I think the symptoms and challenges can greatly vary.
Respectfully, and I do actually mean that (arm chair comment, I’m not an expert), I think the advice to have the ADHD parent leave time sensitive task to the other parent might be a little strange the way it’s worded. I find time sensitive tasks are easier to be motivated to do. Anything that can be done “whenever” robs me of motivation to do it. Now, if you mean tasks that have delayed consequences, then I would agree, be you did say time sensitive tasks. I think time sensitive tasks that are close in their due date might be easier for ADHD individuals, not harder. Just my two cents. Thanks for these videos! Really glad you’re here.
There is of course great variability among parents with ADHD and your point is well taken that some, like yourself, can handle such tasks that are near in time. But I was focusing on tasks that had deadlines further out in time, such as bill paying, Childrens school projects, physician appointments, etc that were not imminent. Thanks for your insights.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 I appreciate the reply! In retrospect, I regret my tone in this comment. It was rather impulsive and nitpicking. Thank you for all that you do.
Thank you for the video once again. For me, I don't have issues with monitoring my kids, in fact I pay way too much attention and my youngest (Who is probably the one with ADHD) demands a lot of it. Which leads to me reacting (aka distracting me) to everything she does and says. And that would get me annoyed a lot sometimes. Now I just go with her pretend play and that is a lot of fun for both of us.
Thank you so much for this video. Becoming a parent has had me realise I most likely have behaviours linked with ADHD and that my kid certainly has. That this creates a pinball effect or a maelstrom is spot on. Thankfully I have been able to self regulate due to being in the 99th percentile of logical ability and my kid will have this benefit as well. But darn if it is not hard!
Just a word of encouragement- It’s not necessary to co-habitate with a co-parent in order to have a meaningful collaborative arrangement. The NT parent can still help in very similar ways. The only exception is when the co-parent isn’t around for bedtime. There, you could use a routine app like Brili to stay focused on bedtime routine.
Since getting my late-diagnosis at age 46, my mum has realised she very likely has ADHD. She and her siblings were referred to a psychiatrist as kids but it was 1960s Belfast and ADHD wasn't really diagnosed back then. My mum didn't bring me up (long story, she left my dad and he absconded to the Middle East with me. I ran away to my mum in the UK at age 14)....You will not be in the least bit surprised about our life outcomes, Erratic, unstable, unconventional, binge drinking, smoking, bad choices, lots of running away etc etc The only thing that has prevented us from ending up on the streets is that we're smart and creative (in other words, the talents that have nothing to do with our ADHD). I think that's what the psychiatrist meant when she said I had 'high functioning' ADHD. I was confused because I think I'm very poor functioning. I never meet my full potential because of ADHD impairments.
I wonder given the propensity to ADHD parents to engage in harsh punishment, if you have any thoughts on the usefulness of parenting styles which have a reduced reliance on punishment or even don't use it altogether? Such as Ross Greene's Collaborative Problem Solving, or the distinction between deliberate behaviour and stress behaviour as made by Mona Delahooke and Stuart Shanker? I feel these are highly useful in reducing reliance on punishment/reward in the first place.
Ross’ program is good but requires a lot of patience and negotiation by parents and was not intended specifically for those with ADHD. Where a propensity for harshness is found, then yes moving to all reward programs or one like Ross’ may be advisable if parents don’t find it too taxing of their own patience.
Very important information! We are encouraged to live like everyone else as positive thing on social media. But it is a disorder and it comes with challenges. Much needed information.
I hate that I struggle so much to converse with my kids because I feel so irritable with there loads of words in my fuzzy brain. No one talks about this…it’s so overwhelming, I love my children and they deserve better than a mom that’s overwhelmed by them simply speaking to her. I hate myself 😞
Dude, this video made me angry. I am an amazing parent. ADHD and how I was mistreated as a child I suspected helped me to be a better parent. As someone who initially co-parented it went precisely as you described and it ended in a horror show, BUT once I became a single parent EVERYTHING became obvious and EASY. I forgot about my hobbies, I didn't need time away, and I never lost my temper with my child. I was hoping you had positive things to say about ADHD sufferers and parenting.
I am a newly separated, soon to be divorced parent. Co-parenting. Being single has made parenting easier all of a sudden. So there's now defined non-parenting time when all the housework and self-care gets done quick and efficiently. I have a deadline. Get as much done as possible on Day One of no-parenting. Self care on day two of no-parenting. Plus, more stuff checked off the to-do list. Then it's awesome parenting time for the next 3-4 days! I've found THE BEST way to self-regulate is mindfulness. And for me, once I become aware of a problem, an issue, something lacking or something I need to work on or step back from... it becomes mind over matter. I can better choose my next action from a self-aware state. Which makes me choose more wisely and focus more and be in the present. And I think that's why that psychedelics video you made is missing the mark a bit, I think. The mindfulness gained is The Power we needed to inevitably be able to self regulate. -and im too tired to continue to edit my adhd out of my answer. Sorry if there are redundancies and grammatical errors.
I wish you focused more on single parents since you said many ADHD parents are single. What about tips that don't involve using another person to step in?
It is discussed in the book by Lydia Zylowska and John Mitchell, Mindfulness Based Practices for Adult ADHD. who have created a specific program for adults with ADHD. I would say the evidence base is small, not very rigorous, but promising and likely to help with stress and emotional dysregulation the most. Other reviewers have said the same.
I don't think I thank God enough for how I'm not part of the teenage pregnancy ADHD statistics - I'm 33 and still waiting for marriage - its by His grace. I'm scared to have kids though - worried I would snap and hurt their feelings because of over stimulation. I stopped taking medication - went low carb and its reduced alot of my symptoms Thank you for the tips!
My ADHD curiosity brought me here. I have severe combination ADHD and cannot take medication so this is very interesting for the future. My spouse also has moderate adhd and doesnt take medication either
Could you do a video specifically on exercise for ADHD? I've seen it mentioned in this video and others, but I don't really know what the execution is. 30 minutes of daily cardio? Does resistance training help? Do I need daily sessions, or just a few longer ones during the week?
The research suggests that while increased activity of any type may be helpful for coping routine exercise of longer durations, and of any type, such as running, weight training, walking, martial arts, dance aerobics, etc. seems to help. But I haven’t seen any studies showing that one type is any better than another.
I broke down today crying because I scheduled my kids parent teacher conference, at a wrong time, I am a school bus driver, so I have to schedule according to after the schools times, and it changes a lot which makes it so hard for me, I get frustrated with my daughter, she has adhd, she’s loud and gets hyper and I get so overwhelmed, I have learned on my own some techniques that’s helped, but when it comes to school things and remembering even just small and important stuff I forget and I get judged so harshly from my husbands family and teachers. I’m terrified of going to the doctors and asking to be medicated, I don’t even know if I’m allowed to take adhd medication being a school bus driver.
What? No, no - its NOT a good thing to have people with ADHD to do housework that isn't "time sensitive" - that means things that doesn't have a deadline. Then "we" properly won't even get stated. I NEED the deadlines! And.. really, not much is usually a catastrophy even if the bill is payed late 🙂 Talking from experience here.. But things without deadlines.. are just like "dead". They don't even engage me unless we are taking about fun things. The "ironing" would never get done. And really.. it doesnt have to usually - or get some other clothes 🙂🤔🤷♀️
@@joelwilliams3115 thank you 😊I think I have all the symptoms mentioned in Dr. Barkley's first video on CDS (my autocorrect wants to correct it to CD's), possibly minus the slow tinking, and the only two ADHD specific symptoms I have, though admittedly severily, are time blindness and bad short term memory. I have a catastrophically easy time sitting still. Always had. And the daydreaming and brain fog have caused endless lost opportunities. Before the videos on CDS I was wondering if I had autism, but I don't have any autism symptoms or indicators except for those that possibly coexist within CDS. Ok, one thing I do is sing when working on something or doing anything that requires action, which could be a form of stimming, but music moves you, and I believe I do it because it keeps me from stopping what I'm doing. Also, ADHD medication helps so much
People with ADHD are much more likely THAN AVERAGE to be young parents, less educated, poor managers of money, single or unhappily coupled, etc. But you will find many of us who do not fall into all or even any of these categories. Please don’t take the fact that you are becoming a first-time dad at 43 years old as a sign that you don’t have ADHD.
@@Handle8844 Don't worry, I'm not actually taking a it as a sign. But I never was hyperactive externally or internally, I never had an interest in drugs, cigarettes alcohol or adrenaline trips, I was the one trying to get my friends from doing dangerous, foolish or forbidden things, I could and can sit still and be fine for hours and days, I was never sexually promiscuous, I always had more than average self insight, etc. The only ADHD symptoms I have are problems with short term memory, sudden domain change, memory recall and time blindness. All potentially comorbid with CDS. I also have all the CDS symptoms mentioned in the video on CDD. So it's very clear that I have CDS
My husband and I both have ADHD and our daughter does too. There is no one in our home without ADHD. All of these tips about having the non ADHD partner doing things... Yeah. Maybe our cat can help? She might be neurotypical.
Great video! I would appreciate if you could answer a concern I have about taking medication - is increase in dopamine transporters after long-term stimulant use temporary or permanent (if you would stop taking it)? Should I be concerned about it?
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 Thanks for your reply. There is a study by Wang et al., suggesting a 24% increase in dopamine transporters after a year of stimulant use. I was concerned that stimulants could make ADHD symptoms worse after stopping medication.
At age 16 after moving in full time with my ex husband, my 3 children who formally had a strong bond with me suddenly and dramatically cut me out of there life. My daughter and I have worked through it best we could and are still in touch. But both my sons have never spoke to me again. They are ashamed of me and completely rejected me as toxic. I'm not but I see how they could think that. So ADHD can destroy your life as an adult way more than as a child.
We’re in Fresno Ca and struggling to find an ADHD coach for a parent and our child. Any recommendations on where we find a coach? Are there online/zoom adhd coaches?
Dr. Barkley, I desperately need help. I'm a single ADHD mom and my 12yo has downs syndrome and autism. He's none verbal and has not mastered toileting with constant constipation. My life is simply a black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel and I have researched and found nothing on adhd parenting autism. Can you help me?
What is your opinion on adderall specifically to other medication? Is it just as safe? Do you have alternatives to medication if a parent cant find one that works?
Dr. Barkley has videos on his page regarding medication but the short answer is yes, prescribed therapeutic doses of stimulant medication are generally safe if there are no medical contraindications.
I'm a little surprised at how this describes ADHD parents. Like, really? You need to be reminded that you have children? I'm certain that my mom has ADHD, and although she had her share of "freak out and slap your child" moments, I think that was more to do with her upbringing, and she didn't ignore us. (I had a 90s childhood with a lot of freedom, but that was normal for that time) She apologized for the hitting and really tried to do better, and she was better controlled with my little sister. She told me that she was doing better than her parents, and she thought I'd do better than her. And I am. Not perfect. I have freaked out and smacked my kids, but less than a handful of times. I hope that they're going to do better than I did. Fortunately I saw how hard it is to have kids really close together, and spaced mine out by at least 2.5 years. And I really enjoyed them. We had a wonderful time most of the time. It wasn't often too overwhelming except when there was a newborn and the older one was being aggressive. That passes within a few weeks, though, and my theory has always been that if you have a child who's acting up, increase that child's responsibility. Now the 5 year old is in charge of putting the cordless phone on the charger and opening doors for the stroller, and the 2 year old is in charge of getting the diapers for the baby and carrying my purse, and I am verbally appreciative of all these helpers, how lucky for me that they're in my family. 😍 And they respond beautifully, they want to help even more, and that delights me, and it's a very good cycle to get into. Overlook the little fails (only address if it's turning into a pattern) and notice the good. If every time your child comes into the room you respond with pleasure to see the child, you will have a loving relationship. I made a rule for myself that I'd have no screen time for myself while the children were awake. I allowed myself to read physical books, but not my phone. I think it was a good choice. Now that the youngest is 8 I'm not strict about that anymore, but it was good in the early years. And this was without meds. I didn't realize I had ADHD until my oldest was diagnosed at age 7 because of recommendations from the school. To me he seemed normal, just not beaten down by life yet. I figured he'd get his spirit broken, and learn about shame and how to second guess himself all the time, and I knew this had to happen so he could function in society, but I had been too soft to do it myself. 😢 Now I realize that it was ADHD, and shouldering immense shame and anxiety is not actually the normal process of growing up. I'm so glad that he doesn't have that. (Yet. He's only 13, so I guess we'll see. But I had it by 10) Meds were like glasses for my brain. It's amazing how nice it is to see clearly!!!
I'd love to see if you have found adhd parents that don't have these but still are considered to have adhd. Would like to give you a situation that may challenge this.
And, I suspect that the tips would make more sense if divided based upon gender. In the end, this seems very male-focused to me. My attention is always very much on my kid.
Thank you for talking about this! I dont get how there is so little information out there on how to parent with adhd. Alot of people dont even find out they have adhd till they become parents because parenting consists of all the skills we are missing. So suddenly the issues you have with Being on time, filling out forms or having structure in your day become really important.
As a professional seafarer, I find the cutesy portrayal of violent crime targeted at my line of work distasteful. When is "talk like someone holding the clinic at gunpoint day"?
You forget who your audience is here. "Tips for parents" and then you go on describing "them" - not us - but "them" and bring in things "are not often young parents" - perhaps "they" are - but I'm not. And it doesn't seem like a tip for parenting? And I don't need to know "who they are" - Im looking at this for tips, not to get a description "if me" that really isn't me anyway. 🙂
Look, I have a lot of respect for you and what you've done for those of us suffering from this unique and very common mental disorder, and I usually love your videos... but this one was extremely disappointing and pretty much completely useless for me. I came here for tips on how to be a good parent (you know, like the title of the video says), not a list of all the ways I'm likely to be bad at it and ways to dodge the responsibilities. Nearly the entire first half of this video (your first slide) is focused on all the ways ADHD adults are more likely to be bad parents, and then most of the rest of the video can be summed up as: "Tips for parenting with Adult ADHD: Let the non-adhd parent handle all the stuff that adhd makes difficult." First off, that's not advice on how to parent with ADHD, that's advice on how to AVOID parenting with ADHD. Second, what am I supposed to do when _both_ of us have ADHD, huh? I am hyperactive type and my wife is inattention type, both of us severely enough that medication does not even come close to normalizing us, even after extensive experimentation with different medications and the highest dose of the least ineffective of the ones we tried. And don't you dare tell me maybe we just shouldn't have children because A: accidents happen and B: it's already happening whether I want it to or not.
Yes. People with ADHD can have normal and wonderful lives. Especially since the stigma of it is dying and we have more help and info on it. My grandmother and parents have it, I have it, and my kids might have it. Life goes on. I’m glad I was born. And I don't think it's irresponsible for them to have fulfilled the human right of having a biological family.
Of course, but a parent with ADHD has a duty - a moral obligation - to inform themselves (through resources such as this) about the disorder and help their child with the issues that arise as a result of it and to lead by example (i.e. get their own condition reasonably under control).
If I had gotten help as a kid to develop strategies to handle planning and regulation I would probably never have gotten a diagnosis. I crashed and got a diagnosis only when my own abilities weren't enough, which for me was when I got a family. I think I am in a better position to help my kids than my parents were with regards to helping me.
Thank you so much for addressing ADHD in parenthood. Motherhood is like a mirror and a magnifying glass; it forces us to examine ourselves closely. My childhood ADHD resurfaced as an issue when I became a mother. All mothers struggle, but mothers with ADHD face unique challenges.
Thank you so much for acknowledging the importance of this dynamic. I feel like so much of the parenting literature and advice around ADHD kids assumes that parents are neurotypical and able to implement everything easily.
As a parent with ADHD you are a goldmine. My life worked quite alright until senior high school. I managed to get by by generally having an easy time learning things, but I later got kicked out of university. Four times. Managed to get a job (bassoon player in a symphony orchestra) and sort of managed by working a lot of 12 days and 2 days of an alternative weekend in a foetal position.
That kind of management of course did not work when I met my wife and we got kids. I got recurring depressions which led me to finally getting my diagnosis.
Now I am trying to get my life into shape by getting help with the structure and handling of everyday life. I think my largest problem right now is my bad conscience with regards to all the heavy lifting my wife is doing.
I don't want to be an angry parent because I can't handle the situations parenting puts me in.
This is my story except i became a chef instead of a bassoon player. You know what's crazy? Both playing the bassoon well enough to play in a symphony and in my case working the line at one of the buskers kitchens in the world- a popular restaurant inside of the fanciest resort in Walt Disney world, both those things are incredibly challenging in their own regard. The fact we could do either but got kicked out of uni is insanely frustrating isn't it?
I too floated on my laurels until college. I was a very smart kid and had an easy time with tests and remembering facts. But i was also always skipping school and chasing risky activities and friends. I wanted to eat the world in a giant bowl with whip cream on top!
When i met my partner, i was just the fun crazy girl full of contradictions, that knew a little about everything, could blend into any situation with any group of people like a chameleon, and was probably intoxicating and addictive to others. I lived so hard and fast and everyone thought i was a good time girl who didn't take things seriously because they didn't know i would come home and collapse into a pile unmoving for 12 hours. And i could do that and disappear for 3 days because i had no children and i didn't live with my folks anymore. I was free, yet i was miserable plagued by feelings of mediocrity and being an unaccomplished jack of all trades. That's what led me to the kitchen to formalize one of my trades and prove i could do challenging things. I also worked 12 or 14 days followed by 2 off. And also spent the 2 in the fetal position. This was fine until i got pregnant. I unfortunately had an extreme case of pregnancy nausea which forced me out of work. I spent the next 3 years in a haze of depression, post partum depression, and rage episodes. After we had our second and everything got even worse, i realized i needed real help and nothing i had been told yet was the answer.
It's been quite a journey hasn't it? Look at us on the other side with all this self awareness now... lol. Hugs mate from a fellow warrior. We keep marching!
Thank you for this, Dr.B. 💙 I wonder if other ADHD parents felt an upswell of shame watching this. I certainly did. Not because Dr. Barkley was harsh or shaming but because yes, I know that I am an imperfect parent and it can be painful to be told (even in the most straight-forward and non-judgmental of ways) the myriad ways I might be failing my sweet, annoying, hyper, unique offspring.
(Edited due to ADHD-related rambling)
I really hope not. I am just trying to share the science as you note so we can manage families better by addressing some of these issues. And because the studies involve groups there are some adults in those groups who do just fine but it all gets averaged together with those coping less well and so are not as visible in the studies. I wish you all success.
It's like ADHD doesn't exist without shame. Mainly in adults or more grown children. You are so painfully aware of your shortcomings and your apparent inability to do much about it. The shame is for all the times we know we've let people down or ourselves down, which for many of us is unfortunately quite often.
@@didimunoz24YES!!
I have ADHD and have 7 children, oldest is 13. We definitely see ADHD (and possibly ODD in youngers) in 4 of the 7. Looking forward to listening to this and more. I was diagnosed as a kid in the 90’s but left it untreated until a couple months ago when I learned about time blindness. I sketched out a 10-year vision where I put the ages of my kids at the end of 10 Years. Really helped me grasp the importance of getting my act together to both help my children build the right skills and enjoy our time while we can. Thank you for “retiring” and providing such great information in your channel!
Mmm, maybe you should take care of it 7 children ago.
@@petreangSure, it is definitely always a great Idea to blame the impaired person for their illness. Whenever I meet someone in a wheel chair I too tell them not to sit around so lazily and to finally stand up and walk around like everybody else does. People are always so thankful when I do that.
@@petreang
Go raise a dog or a cat
I have severe ADHD combined presentation, I am on strattera since my child was 6 mo ADHD doesn't impair responsability towards others. If I know that I have an highly impairing highly genetic neuropsychiatric disorder a) I treat my disorder (just for the risk while driving to kill someone) b) I think about this genetic risk well before the 7th child is 13
@@petreang If you are able to manage your ADHD, then good for you. Others aren't always as successful.
You are right: One's responsibilities towards others remain the same wether you have ADHD or not.
However, from my own experience I can tell you that ADHD when untreated can severely impair your perception of those responsibilities and also of what is required from you in order to fulfill them. And that is because you are just not up to the task and in my case I idid not even realize that.
I was diagnosed in my fifties and even after that it took another couple of years until I finally started with the medication. People often tell how the medication changes or even enables their perception and compare it to finally putting the glasses on.
And believe me: It hit me like a hammer when I looked around the emotional wasteland that I had created and in which I had made myself at home in fifty long years of delusion. That is not a situation where somebody barking at you from the side lines is of any help.
IMO the connection between ADHD and ASPD (anti social personality disorder) in adults with untreated ADHD is still not recognized enough.
Sure, who wants to accept and acknowledge that he has been and probably still is kind of an a-hole towards others? When it is so much more convenient to define oneself as a friendly but absentminded and easily confused soul?
Starting with ADHD treatment later in life can be a rough and tumbly ride. For you and for your loved ones. Very probably you are going to have to ask people for forgiveness and first and foremost you need to be able to forgive yourself. Which includes a firm commitment to try and make good and make better in the future. The past is quite a sticky thing since it is engrained in our synaptical pathways. And these always lead us back into acting out those behavioural patterns that we've recognized as inappropriate.
👍 Single dad with full-time custody of 2 with ADHD, looking forward to this thanks.
That's a shame.
Thank you for addressing this. So often I see such impossible advice for how to parent an ADHD child: all about adding routines and little checkpoints and sticker charts and point systems and basically making life SO much harder for the parent.
I can't, I just can't. And sometimes I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, we do okay here.
Some things that you suggest have been life savers for me. Taking turns putting the kids to bed, and my husband's in charge of making sure they brush their teeth regularly, and he does the bills.
I am much more patient and playful with the kids than he is, though, and I have immense amounts of sympathy for my ADHD kid in his hatred of homework and know that it's not a matter of grinding it out but rather make it fun, or take a moment and send him to run around the house two times and then come back and write a bit more, etc. I don't get exasperated, or even if I do, it's not a shaming experience, because I completely sympathize. Like, "I know it's horrible! Look, your teacher just wants to know you understand, so how about you do these first three questions and then the last one and skip all those in the middle. Maybe she's okay with that." Or "hurry up, I'm so bored right now and I'm not leaving you until you've finished your homework, ahhh save me please do it quickly before your mother perishes of boredom!" Or, as he got older, silly threats. "Every time you say 'i don't know' before you even think about the question, I'm throwing a beanbag at your head!" And he fake-screams and laughs and tries again.
I would suggest Janet Lansbury to parents of toddlers. Her way of parenting made all the difference for me. It just made so much sense and everything was easy.
Also would recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". Very good stuff in there.
I have three kids and I do give them more freedom perhaps than is the case for many parents these days, but I'm fortunate that they are my hyperfocus. I always know what they're doing, when a fight is about to break out, what they're thinking, etc. It's exhausting but very interesting.
I'm objectively a good enough mother, and at the same time I have gotten us into more risky situations than is ideal.😢 But then I got us out again. I am a SAHM, and aside from the house work and incessant need for cooking, I love it. I feel like my ADHD is an asset in that I can quickly switch from one task to another as needed, and actually it keeps me from getting bored. Also, it feels pretty meaningful to have kept these humans alive and helped them grow. That's important work right there!
I have my suspicions that all three have ADHD, although only the oldest is diagnosed. We get along very well. No ODD at all.
This is possible because I can stay home with them, and I don't think it would have been so "easy" if I'd had to work full-time. Even part-time was stressful and when allergies showed up in our family and most food had to be made from scratch, I couldn't cope with that plus work and I had to quit. I was getting way too snappy with the kids. I do hate cooking, and when you can't buy anything ready-made there's SO MUCH cooking.😢
I remember sending an email saying I'd love to see a book on parenting kids with ADHD when you as a parent have it! So happy to see you're putting info out there to help ❤ Thank you ❤️
Excellent point about medication. Now that my ADHD is medicated, I feel I have half a chance to engage in some kind of executive function training/occupational therapy. Without my meds I just wouldn't be compliant and would have become very frustrated and bored.
Where do you find that? Where should i look? I need people training classes lol! I'm ready to learn some coping mechanisms and learn how to work around my disorder
Our family has an ADHD parent and an ASD parent. In terms of emotional regulation and executive function, we both struggle
This video is about me, I'm gonna proudly set everything aside and watch it right now!! Thanks, professor, you're a gem!
I have it to and have no kids but I want kids and this type of information is very helpful
Thanks, Dr. Barkley, for this video. Unfortunately, there's no non-ADHD parent in our household to handle certain tasks or offload the stress of ADHD. Do you have specific tips for families where both parents have ADHD?
I did notice this too - especially as one of the earlier comments acknowledged that a lot of parents with ADHD are single parents!
Other than treatment for the adults ADHD, I haven’t seen anything on this specific issue besides the suggestions offered here.
He is not a wizard maby it's a good idea to seek support outside the family? Or get a babysitter? Maby u can get accommodations, there is a lot of good devices on the market now. I've found excellent replacements for my working memory and time management, but they are costly. Still fighting for my rights.
This is exactly what I was thinking about, it is super common to have ADHD people in relationship with other ADHD people
I have severe ADHD, married at 36 after years together, first child at 37 totally planned and wanted. It's also a question of personality, if you have responsability as a value you try to live up to this value by any mean. It's not a moral judgement, but we ADHDs are different from one another, we are not "simply" our ADHD.
So true. The variability in symptoms is large among adults and the individual characteristics of each makes their case fairly unique. I hope things are going well for you.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 I am doing well, luckily I've found a lot of caring people and competent professionals. Thank you for your work, you are a giant in the field and still so dedicated, thank you.
So true! I’m a professional driver (certified) with ADHD. And I was certified long before realizing I have ADHD. I’ve heard from other ADHD people as well that they hyperfocus on driving so actually we can be much better drivers than NT people. When I drive around, I drive defensively and I’m often amazed at how distracted other drivers are. Basically, I follow every safety precaution recommended.
I also hyperfocus on my child. When she is with me, everything else is irrelevant. And I have regular routines with her, including a very strict bedtime routine. Partially, this is because I was neglected as a child and I never want her to feel how I felt. I KNOW the importance of every single little thing that I do as a mother-because I’ve felt the pain of lacking that from my parents.
Still, there are considerations that I have to keep in mind. For example, I probably won’t see or remember notes from her school-so her father has to tell me or remind me. I can handle appointments but it’s easier for her father (he doesn’t stress or forget about phone calls). With paying for summer camp, I might forget the checkbook so it’s better if her father handles it. Things like that… So her father is still a big help with some things that I may forget or not notice.
I think the symptoms and challenges can greatly vary.
Respectfully, and I do actually mean that (arm chair comment, I’m not an expert), I think the advice to have the ADHD parent leave time sensitive task to the other parent might be a little strange the way it’s worded. I find time sensitive tasks are easier to be motivated to do. Anything that can be done “whenever” robs me of motivation to do it. Now, if you mean tasks that have delayed consequences, then I would agree, be you did say time sensitive tasks. I think time sensitive tasks that are close in their due date might be easier for ADHD individuals, not harder. Just my two cents.
Thanks for these videos! Really glad you’re here.
There is of course great variability among parents with ADHD and your point is well taken that some, like yourself, can handle such tasks that are near in time. But I was focusing on tasks that had deadlines further out in time, such as bill paying, Childrens school projects, physician appointments, etc that were not imminent. Thanks for your insights.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 I appreciate the reply! In retrospect, I regret my tone in this comment. It was rather impulsive and nitpicking. Thank you for all that you do.
Thank you for the video once again. For me, I don't have issues with monitoring my kids, in fact I pay way too much attention and my youngest (Who is probably the one with ADHD) demands a lot of it. Which leads to me reacting (aka distracting me) to everything she does and says. And that would get me annoyed a lot sometimes. Now I just go with her pretend play and that is a lot of fun for both of us.
Thank you so much for this video. Becoming a parent has had me realise I most likely have behaviours linked with ADHD and that my kid certainly has. That this creates a pinball effect or a maelstrom is spot on. Thankfully I have been able to self regulate due to being in the 99th percentile of logical ability and my kid will have this benefit as well. But darn if it is not hard!
Just a word of encouragement- It’s not necessary to co-habitate with a co-parent in order to have a meaningful collaborative arrangement. The NT parent can still help in very similar ways. The only exception is when the co-parent isn’t around for bedtime. There, you could use a routine app like Brili to stay focused on bedtime routine.
Since getting my late-diagnosis at age 46, my mum has realised she very likely has ADHD. She and her siblings were referred to a psychiatrist as kids but it was 1960s Belfast and ADHD wasn't really diagnosed back then. My mum didn't bring me up (long story, she left my dad and he absconded to the Middle East with me. I ran away to my mum in the UK at age 14)....You will not be in the least bit surprised about our life outcomes, Erratic, unstable, unconventional, binge drinking, smoking, bad choices, lots of running away etc etc
The only thing that has prevented us from ending up on the streets is that we're smart and creative (in other words, the talents that have nothing to do with our ADHD). I think that's what the psychiatrist meant when she said I had 'high functioning' ADHD. I was confused because I think I'm very poor functioning. I never meet my full potential because of ADHD impairments.
I wonder given the propensity to ADHD parents to engage in harsh punishment, if you have any thoughts on the usefulness of parenting styles which have a reduced reliance on punishment or even don't use it altogether? Such as Ross Greene's Collaborative Problem Solving, or the distinction between deliberate behaviour and stress behaviour as made by Mona Delahooke and Stuart Shanker? I feel these are highly useful in reducing reliance on punishment/reward in the first place.
Ross’ program is good but requires a lot of patience and negotiation by parents and was not intended specifically for those with ADHD. Where a propensity for harshness is found, then yes moving to all reward programs or one like Ross’ may be advisable if parents don’t find it too taxing of their own patience.
Very important information! We are encouraged to live like everyone else as positive thing on social media. But it is a disorder and it comes with challenges. Much needed information.
I hate that I struggle so much to converse with my kids because I feel so irritable with there loads of words in my fuzzy brain.
No one talks about this…it’s so overwhelming, I love my children and they deserve better than a mom that’s overwhelmed by them simply speaking to her.
I hate myself 😞
I feel the same. I'm sorry 😞 this is so hard
Dude, this video made me angry. I am an amazing parent. ADHD and how I was mistreated as a child I suspected helped me to be a better parent. As someone who initially co-parented it went precisely as you described and it ended in a horror show, BUT once I became a single parent EVERYTHING became obvious and EASY. I forgot about my hobbies, I didn't need time away, and I never lost my temper with my child. I was hoping you had positive things to say about ADHD sufferers and parenting.
What is this non-ADHD parent you speak of? 😅
Yep what do you do when there is no non adhd parent and just you 😢
Or my case where we both clarify as having ADD
I am a newly separated, soon to be divorced parent. Co-parenting.
Being single has made parenting easier all of a sudden.
So there's now defined non-parenting time when all the housework and self-care gets done quick and efficiently.
I have a deadline. Get as much done as possible on Day One of no-parenting. Self care on day two of no-parenting. Plus, more stuff checked off the to-do list. Then it's awesome parenting time for the next 3-4 days!
I've found THE BEST way to self-regulate is mindfulness.
And for me, once I become aware of a problem, an issue, something lacking or something I need to work on or step back from... it becomes mind over matter. I can better choose my next action from a self-aware state. Which makes me choose more wisely and focus more and be in the present.
And I think that's why that psychedelics video you made is missing the mark a bit, I think.
The mindfulness gained is The Power we needed to inevitably be able to self regulate.
-and im too tired to continue to edit my adhd out of my answer. Sorry if there are redundancies and grammatical errors.
Mr Barkley, can you give an example or illustrate what normal family looks like? This words "normal", I'm not sure what it exactly means. Thanks
❤ Thank you for always sharing info!
It’s my new and very rewarding hobby now besides my new companion, Gabriele, travel, our grandkids, and golf.
There was some great pointers, however…what are your suggestions for those that are single parents
I wish you focused more on single parents since you said many ADHD parents are single. What about tips that don't involve using another person to step in?
Thanks for this lecture. Can you please describe the literature on the effectiveness of mindfulness/meditation for adults with adhd. Thanks
It is discussed in the book by Lydia Zylowska and John Mitchell, Mindfulness Based Practices for Adult ADHD. who have created a specific program for adults with ADHD. I would say the evidence base is small, not very rigorous, but promising and likely to help with stress and emotional dysregulation the most. Other reviewers have said the same.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023 thanks
I don't think I thank God enough for how I'm not part of the teenage pregnancy ADHD statistics - I'm 33 and still waiting for marriage - its by His grace.
I'm scared to have kids though - worried I would snap and hurt their feelings because of over stimulation. I stopped taking medication - went low carb and its reduced alot of my symptoms
Thank you for the tips!
This was very helpful thank you
My ADHD curiosity brought me here. I have severe combination ADHD and cannot take medication so this is very interesting for the future. My spouse also has moderate adhd and doesnt take medication either
Could you do a video specifically on exercise for ADHD? I've seen it mentioned in this video and others, but I don't really know what the execution is. 30 minutes of daily cardio? Does resistance training help? Do I need daily sessions, or just a few longer ones during the week?
The research suggests that while increased activity of any type may be helpful for coping routine exercise of longer durations, and of any type, such as running, weight training, walking, martial arts, dance aerobics, etc. seems to help. But I haven’t seen any studies showing that one type is any better than another.
I broke down today crying because I scheduled my kids parent teacher conference, at a wrong time, I am a school bus driver, so I have to schedule according to after the schools times, and it changes a lot which makes it so hard for me, I get frustrated with my daughter, she has adhd, she’s loud and gets hyper and I get so overwhelmed, I have learned on my own some techniques that’s helped, but when it comes to school things and remembering even just small and important stuff I forget and I get judged so harshly from my husbands family and teachers. I’m terrified of going to the doctors and asking to be medicated, I don’t even know if I’m allowed to take adhd medication being a school bus driver.
I also wish there was more time in a day, I feel like there’s never enough time 🤦♀️
What? No, no - its NOT a good thing to have people with ADHD to do housework that isn't "time sensitive" - that means things that doesn't have a deadline. Then "we" properly won't even get stated. I NEED the deadlines! And.. really, not much is usually a catastrophy even if the bill is payed late 🙂 Talking from experience here.. But things without deadlines.. are just like "dead". They don't even engage me unless we are taking about fun things. The "ironing" would never get done. And really.. it doesnt have to usually - or get some other clothes 🙂🤔🤷♀️
But It causes no disturbance for the child, that's the point.
But I agree 👍
If all goes well, I'll become a dad this weekend 🤞🤞 thanks to Dr. Barkley I feel reasonably well prepared for anything that might come
Congratulations. Why do you think it's CDS not ADHD?
@@joelwilliams3115 thank you 😊I think I have all the symptoms mentioned in Dr. Barkley's first video on CDS (my autocorrect wants to correct it to CD's), possibly minus the slow tinking, and the only two ADHD specific symptoms I have, though admittedly severily, are time blindness and bad short term memory.
I have a catastrophically easy time sitting still. Always had. And the daydreaming and brain fog have caused endless lost opportunities. Before the videos on CDS I was wondering if I had autism, but I don't have any autism symptoms or indicators except for those that possibly coexist within CDS. Ok, one thing I do is sing when working on something or doing anything that requires action, which could be a form of stimming, but music moves you, and I believe I do it because it keeps me from stopping what I'm doing.
Also, ADHD medication helps so much
People with ADHD are much more likely THAN AVERAGE to be young parents, less educated, poor managers of money, single or unhappily coupled, etc. But you will find many of us who do not fall into all or even any of these categories. Please don’t take the fact that you are becoming a first-time dad at 43 years old as a sign that you don’t have ADHD.
@@Handle8844 Don't worry, I'm not actually taking a it as a sign. But I never was hyperactive externally or internally, I never had an interest in drugs, cigarettes alcohol or adrenaline trips, I was the one trying to get my friends from doing dangerous, foolish or forbidden things, I could and can sit still and be fine for hours and days, I was never sexually promiscuous, I always had more than average self insight, etc. The only ADHD symptoms I have are problems with short term memory, sudden domain change, memory recall and time blindness. All potentially comorbid with CDS. I also have all the CDS symptoms mentioned in the video on CDD. So it's very clear that I have CDS
Congratulations on the new arrival. I hope it all goes well. You got this!
My husband and I both have ADHD and our daughter does too. There is no one in our home without ADHD. All of these tips about having the non ADHD partner doing things... Yeah. Maybe our cat can help? She might be neurotypical.
Any tips when both parents have ADHD? (My family's situation)
Great video! I would appreciate if you could answer a concern I have about taking medication - is increase in dopamine transporters after long-term stimulant use temporary or permanent (if you would stop taking it)? Should I be concerned about it?
Not that we know of and there is little cause for concern.
@@russellbarkleyphd2023
Thanks for your reply. There is a study by Wang et al., suggesting a 24% increase in dopamine transporters after a year of stimulant use. I was concerned that stimulants could make ADHD symptoms worse after stopping medication.
At age 16 after moving in full time with my ex husband, my 3 children who formally had a strong bond with me suddenly and dramatically cut me out of there life. My daughter and I have worked through it best we could and are still in touch. But both my sons have never spoke to me again. They are ashamed of me and completely rejected me as toxic. I'm not but I see how they could think that. So ADHD can destroy your life as an adult way more than as a child.
We’re in Fresno Ca and struggling to find an ADHD coach for a parent and our child. Any recommendations on where we find a coach? Are there online/zoom adhd coaches?
Ahoy! National talk like a pirate day is also my birthday!
Dr. Barkley, I desperately need help. I'm a single ADHD mom and my 12yo has downs syndrome and autism. He's none verbal and has not mastered toileting with constant constipation. My life is simply a black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel and I have researched and found nothing on adhd parenting autism. Can you help me?
Just curious; does having comorbid ASD reduce the chances of someone with ADHD developing ODD?
No. It’s about the same.
Interesting. Thanks Dr Barkley.@@russellbarkleyphd2023
What can you do if both parents have adhd?
What is your opinion on adderall specifically to other medication? Is it just as safe? Do you have alternatives to medication if a parent cant find one that works?
Dr. Barkley has videos on his page regarding medication but the short answer is yes, prescribed therapeutic doses of stimulant medication are generally safe if there are no medical contraindications.
See the lecture on medications here.
I'm a little surprised at how this describes ADHD parents. Like, really? You need to be reminded that you have children? I'm certain that my mom has ADHD, and although she had her share of "freak out and slap your child" moments, I think that was more to do with her upbringing, and she didn't ignore us. (I had a 90s childhood with a lot of freedom, but that was normal for that time) She apologized for the hitting and really tried to do better, and she was better controlled with my little sister. She told me that she was doing better than her parents, and she thought I'd do better than her.
And I am. Not perfect. I have freaked out and smacked my kids, but less than a handful of times. I hope that they're going to do better than I did.
Fortunately I saw how hard it is to have kids really close together, and spaced mine out by at least 2.5 years. And I really enjoyed them. We had a wonderful time most of the time. It wasn't often too overwhelming except when there was a newborn and the older one was being aggressive. That passes within a few weeks, though, and my theory has always been that if you have a child who's acting up, increase that child's responsibility. Now the 5 year old is in charge of putting the cordless phone on the charger and opening doors for the stroller, and the 2 year old is in charge of getting the diapers for the baby and carrying my purse, and I am verbally appreciative of all these helpers, how lucky for me that they're in my family. 😍 And they respond beautifully, they want to help even more, and that delights me, and it's a very good cycle to get into. Overlook the little fails (only address if it's turning into a pattern) and notice the good.
If every time your child comes into the room you respond with pleasure to see the child, you will have a loving relationship. I made a rule for myself that I'd have no screen time for myself while the children were awake. I allowed myself to read physical books, but not my phone. I think it was a good choice. Now that the youngest is 8 I'm not strict about that anymore, but it was good in the early years.
And this was without meds. I didn't realize I had ADHD until my oldest was diagnosed at age 7 because of recommendations from the school. To me he seemed normal, just not beaten down by life yet. I figured he'd get his spirit broken, and learn about shame and how to second guess himself all the time, and I knew this had to happen so he could function in society, but I had been too soft to do it myself. 😢 Now I realize that it was ADHD, and shouldering immense shame and anxiety is not actually the normal process of growing up. I'm so glad that he doesn't have that. (Yet. He's only 13, so I guess we'll see. But I had it by 10)
Meds were like glasses for my brain. It's amazing how nice it is to see clearly!!!
I'd love to see if you have found adhd parents that don't have these but still are considered to have adhd. Would like to give you a situation that may challenge this.
ADHDの治療法としてのニューロフィードバックの有効性を教えてください❤
確かに他のレクチャーで有効性がないと言っていたと思います。
“What is the effectiveness of neurofeedback as therapy?”
And, I suspect that the tips would make more sense if divided based upon gender. In the end, this seems very male-focused to me. My attention is always very much on my kid.
YES
Any other ADHD parents who are also the family DD start to sweat a little during the driving part?
Thank you for talking about this!
I dont get how there is so little information out there on how to parent with adhd.
Alot of people dont even find out they have adhd till they become parents because parenting consists of all the skills we are missing.
So suddenly the issues you have with
Being on time, filling out forms or having structure in your day become really important.
What if both parents have adhd?
And both children too.
I feel so bad for my kids that they have such parents😞
😕☹️😞
I’m not going to remember any of this in the next 15 minutes.
As a professional seafarer, I find the cutesy portrayal of violent crime targeted at my line of work distasteful.
When is "talk like someone holding the clinic at gunpoint day"?
You forget who your audience is here. "Tips for parents" and then you go on describing "them" - not us - but "them" and bring in things "are not often young parents" - perhaps "they" are - but I'm not. And it doesn't seem like a tip for parenting? And I don't need to know "who they are" - Im looking at this for tips, not to get a description "if me" that really isn't me anyway. 🙂
Look, I have a lot of respect for you and what you've done for those of us suffering from this unique and very common mental disorder, and I usually love your videos... but this one was extremely disappointing and pretty much completely useless for me. I came here for tips on how to be a good parent (you know, like the title of the video says), not a list of all the ways I'm likely to be bad at it and ways to dodge the responsibilities.
Nearly the entire first half of this video (your first slide) is focused on all the ways ADHD adults are more likely to be bad parents, and then most of the rest of the video can be summed up as:
"Tips for parenting with Adult ADHD: Let the non-adhd parent handle all the stuff that adhd makes difficult."
First off, that's not advice on how to parent with ADHD, that's advice on how to AVOID parenting with ADHD. Second, what am I supposed to do when _both_ of us have ADHD, huh? I am hyperactive type and my wife is inattention type, both of us severely enough that medication does not even come close to normalizing us, even after extensive experimentation with different medications and the highest dose of the least ineffective of the ones we tried. And don't you dare tell me maybe we just shouldn't have children because A: accidents happen and B: it's already happening whether I want it to or not.
Is it ethical to have children when they are at high risk of developing ADHD?
Yes. People with ADHD can have normal and wonderful lives. Especially since the stigma of it is dying and we have more help and info on it. My grandmother and parents have it, I have it, and my kids might have it. Life goes on. I’m glad I was born. And I don't think it's irresponsible for them to have fulfilled the human right of having a biological family.
Of course, but a parent with ADHD has a duty - a moral obligation - to inform themselves (through resources such as this) about the disorder and help their child with the issues that arise as a result of it and to lead by example (i.e. get their own condition reasonably under control).
But ADHD isn't generally debilitating unless it's severe and/or unaddressed.
If I had gotten help as a kid to develop strategies to handle planning and regulation I would probably never have gotten a diagnosis. I crashed and got a diagnosis only when my own abilities weren't enough, which for me was when I got a family.
I think I am in a better position to help my kids than my parents were with regards to helping me.
Two perfectly healthy parents can still have offspring that have adhd.