Or she is so controlling he can't buy a beer. Imagine same call and the man saying she is buying makeup we can't afford and has a hidden account because I won't let her buy it.
Definitely could be addiction. I blew through everything I could and took out terrible loans in order to fund my formerly active opiate addiction. I didn't have one care in the world other than not being sick.
Girl, I married "secret account, I'm not sharing any information with you man" and he was having a whole secret life and taking vacations with another woman. He had the mom issue.... RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!
@@californiacoast7021 1000000% and a marriage in secrecy can not last... She is not saying what she is truly feeling. She couldn't say it out loud yet and I know exactly how she feels. It's the rage bubbling under and it's coming.
Open another account and transfer all the money to the checking account and leave his "budget" on the original one. Like 50 cents lol Or buy yourself reusable gift cards and put that money on there. Better yet, draw the line. Get a lawyer and go through some discovery.
Her husband is so selfish. It's bad enough to overspend, but refusing to tell his wife what he uses the money for is absolutely ridiculous. This is not going to end well.
My ex husband asked me if he could buy a biiliards pooll stick. I said, of course. Not realizing he had already bought it. Until our son who was 10 at the time. Told me dad had already taken him and our other son to the bilkiards store😮
Absolutely get him off accounts. Open new ones so he has no access to your money. And don’t deposit another penny into his separate account. Cancel credit cards if you can and lock your credit. See an attorney.
That's not how marriage works . If you have to do all of that then you may as well get divorced and be done with it . This is what happens when you don't communicate within a marriage
And the problems going to end up being how do you deposit your husband's checks when he's the only one with the authority to do that!! Good luck on that part! They need to sit down with a financial coach and a therapist!!
@@furryplantsandcoins9070 he can deposit them into his own account. No more access to the joint account. I doubt he’s going to do counseling. She had to protect herself and any kids they have. .
"He doesn't want me know what he spend his money on" Listen to yourself, he's not truthful, deceit and lies. It's not about spending, it's his behavior and you are his mother.
i can’t understand how people allow this. “maybe he just doesn’t want me to know maybe he thinks he spends too much on drinking and if i say something he might not feel like he can do what he wants to do” jesus christ 🤦🏻♀️
It is hard to come right out and say my husband is a big liar...you have to focus on the little things first because it is so hard to see the truth you do not want to admit to yourself.
He has a secret double life. Counseling won’t help because he won’t tell the truth anyway if he went there. He is a liar and gaslighter. He doesn’t care about anything but what he wants at the expense of his wife and children. Hire a private investigator and get to the bottom of what he is doing. I hope the best for this wife and children.
I lived this exact situation and he stole our kids college money. Protect yourself. His mom and dad did the same thing and you can’t compete with that. Alcohol was a big factor too.
I went through this too. I finally divorced him and worked my butt off for my retirement. I made it. Retired for 4 years. This guy sounds exactly like my ex - a kid.
Right?! 😂 I think that every time I listen to him. Like, I used to be an overly empathetic, people pleasing doormat (but fam. still seemed mad at me ALL the time) and it broke me, and now I'm just kinda, "Facts don't care about your feelings," "I don't have time for this BS, do the right thing!" But there are days when I miss being the really compassionate person everyone could talk to, and listening to Dr. John tends to precede that, lol.
Actually we do this, $100 each per month of no questions asked personal spending. Everything else goes thru the budget/ joint account and has to be agreed on/ budgeted. You have to communicate and be transparent and it works well.
Many years ago my sister had to separate her finances from those of her husbands. She was the primary earner whose job covered their family insurance, 401K contributions, etc. He was a man baby who sought seasonal employment to work as little as possible. While he was layed off, she asked him to do the banking, pay the mortage (his is before online banking was a thing). Fastforward three months - she gets a letter from the bank saying they were three months behind on their mortage. Turns out he kept the money and blew it on golf, drinking and drugs. Luckily, the bank let them go into a forebearance program so they didn't lose the house. But, yeah, after that she severed herself financially from him. Ironically enough, they are still married.
There is not a single di$& in the world that is worth that. She could get divorced, and every other dude on tinder will share his di$& with her. For free. These losers seek out strong accomplished women, for a free ride. I got rid of a freeloader a few years ago. Best and worst thing I ever had to do.
@@marilynnelson3559 Yes, he's from a very wealthy family and he recently inherited a large sum of $$$ when his mom passed. She knew about the inheritance all along and stayed (I think) because of it. To me no amount of money would be worth all the crap she's put up with over the years. Very dysfunctional relationship.
Her "He's never made me feel unsafe" Also her "I was seeing a therapist because I was having a lot of anxiety: Ok! I think she needs to save up for a good lawyer because you know his mommy will get him one.
Getting the silent vibe that she is shamed into "staying married" because "divorce is wrong." Because she "can't divorce him, all she can do is to try and change him. She knows that this disgusting trap is not a marriage. She's afraid of him, and what is eventually going to happen...and what she is going to discover; as in alcoholism, strange absences, unexplained expenses, side chicks/babies, and burner phones. Believe me, I know. My late-MFC husband talked to his 84-year-old mother 2-3 times a week on the phone. When I married him, I did not know he already owed her $30,000+...a supposed gift. When he was unhappy or feeling resentful of adult responsibilities, she reveled in knowing that "He still needs me. We've always been close. No one will ever come between us." College money, new 4x4 truck, new house. She absolutely loved that he was "dependent" on her. I am still haunted by this betrayal of a marriage.
He’s not husband material. He doesn’t want her to know where he’s spending money. This IS NOT EASILY SOLVED. Take him off all accounts today and divorce him.
Oh you poor woman, I have been there too, in the end when I said NO and meant it he left. The house was sold and me and the kids started again. I was the " fixer ", I started a new relationship after a while and fell into the same role, but this time I said NO and ended it. My kids are grown, I have no debt and I have never been happier, please don't allow him to use you anymore, invest that money for your kids college fund, not into a personal bank account for the man child, let him run back to Mom and have her fix his wants !
I was the fixer in my relationship, my husband had a huge debt with the IRS the came from years, when they did the garnishment, we were living very tight financially, things got better, I decided to help him, I did my taxes together with him, we paid any balance due, his credit score improved, but because he has a bad record on everything and he wanted to open a business I helped him with that too, we open his business account on my name, later we open a $10k business line of credit to help with his projects, everything on my name, when all started getting better and his credit score was optimal, stores and banks started sending credit card offers and he decided to open 2 credit cards behind my back, and guess what? he forgot about the line of credit I open for his business and he didn’t pay it, not only he didn’t pay my line of credit but now he has more debts with those credit cards he opened, he maxed them up and he couldn’t pay them, when the pandemic came he lost clients and he wasn’t making enough money, we had a balance due from our taxes again but not money saved, that debt came in both names because we did our taxes together and remember? His business was on my name, he dragged me in all his bad financial decisions just because I wanted to help him, but it didn’t work, i know now that he is and was the problem to our financial issues, and I also realized that if i continue with him, the rest of my life will be miserable! And I can’t do this to myself anymore.
I was married to someone who was never told no. She spent money like no problem because she knew her father or grandfather would bail her out. We would travel and I'd pay for half so that she wouldn't shoulder the entire trips. Once it started to become to much for me financially I asked her if could scale it back to one trip a year and she was not happy. I was honest and told her it was too much for me. She didn't understand. By the time the divorce happened and I saw how much she owed I was in shock. She blamed me for it and also said that if I fought her on anything that she would make sure I also owed her debts. I'm so glad we are divorced now.
Omg girl. Hes a manchild. My ex was and is EXACTLY the same. His mom? Will never stop. He will never stop running to her. When I kicked my ex out, I packed his boxes (because he “hurt his back”) and guess who came to pick up his stuff? His mom. His 72 year old mom who needs a double hip replacement. Moving his stuff. Run now. Let him stay stagnant but you can grow.
@@doctorpostingwhen people are young starting out they're both immature or at least the maturity gap isn't that big. Over time one can stay in that stage and the other outgrows it. You can't see that coming 20 years beforehand
OH MY GOD its so bad;;;; his mom just pays his credit card debt? oh god......I think she needs to leave. not my place to say but all I see is down hill.....;
Open your own account and start transferring the money over and then tell him he doesn't get to see how she's spending money on and see how quickly he turns into a hypocrite. 🤔
@@cyrenedomogalla5127but it would be revealing about his character which would help her come out of denial about the deception levels in this relationship. So it’s petty and hypocritical but temporarily, might serve a purpose that could be positive.
My heart goes out to this caller. She does not even want to see or know what her husband’s been up to. And for most people this is understandable. This is fear. I agree that she needs to get her financial plan outlined. She needs to pre-set up all new accounts and close down current existing accounts before having any financial discussions with her husband. She might even have to boot him out of the house based on how the conversation goes… I personally think that he has another side piece or two . Which is very dangerous because of the diseases that come with risky behaviors. Hard discussions, hard actions, but 30 years from now she’ll be glad she did it.
I am a Christian and I know divorce shouldn’t be an option. However, this guy is a major liability and a ticking time bomb that can do serious harm to his wife and kids financially and otherwise… Asking the wife to have separate accounts will not solve the problem if he decided to overspent and have tons of debt. My father is exactly like that. He had a mother as an enabler and spoiled him. Then he kept marrying wives that also acted like his mommy and nannies who doesn’t have the financial, education and maturity to say no to him. He was an unfit father and misguided person who was sad and depressed before he passed away. This isn’t helping anyone.
I disagree, people can and do change, but they need to want to, they need a reason. Spenders arent gonna become savers unless they get rejected when they swipe and wake up, they have no reason to change without consequences
I had a husband that spend like that and wouldn’t tell me where the money went. Well I found out he was gay and funding his dates with men. I left him immediately. He is probably in debt today but that’s his own fault
She married a momma’s boy and is just now complaining after years of enabling his sh*tty behavior and his mommy rescuing him and ignoring over her? My goodness. They’re all at fault; hopefully she wakes up and makes drastic changes asap.
Husbands that view wives as objects to be obtained and retained, rather than people, do things like this. You can't change his mindset, but you can change how you view him and your relationship. You have the power to change you and change your reaction to him. If that scares you, that tells you something powerful that you need to know.
So true! When I pleaded for the nth time when my ex was doing this, he had no empathy. He said “You are my wife, not my friend” that told me all I needed to know
Tell him to go to his Mum's place until he can grow up because it is serious boundary time as your relationship is at risk and he isn't behaving like a role model for the kids like you need. This is 30-day separation territory to me. He may shape up after 30 days! If he's the right guy he will see sense and start making changes with a solid plan.
I mean I have my own account too, and I don't think it's my partner's business what I spend that money on, but it's more that I want to stay independent and pay for my own stuff so that I don't feel like I'm using his money to pay for my stuff. You know, joint accounts for rent, utilities, grocery shopping, but my own account for buying gifts and stuff for myself. I would show him what I spend, it's nothing crazy, usually like some Amazon stuff, fan merch, clothes etc but I just like having that account and that money to myself, so that in itself is not weird I think. What I think is weird is if you make it a big secret, and it starts getting really bad if you start taking money from joint accounts for God knows what
My son took over the household finances from my daughter in law due to this same issue. She has no access to the account bills are paid from. He set her up an account and has automatic deposits are put into the account for her to do whatever she wants, however, once the money is gone it is gone you get no more for the Month. If she needs to purchase something after the money is gone she has to go to him and justify the purchase before he will give her anything extra. It works for them. She is ok with it.
My husband was like this, I eventually got my own accounts with my paychecks depositing into my own account and I would transfer money for bills. While i put a percentage of my money towards my savings and paying down debt. BUT by the time i did this the damage was already done. He was upset i got my own accounts but I told him I gave him chance after chance to take charge and fix the problems and he didn't. At this point I have been thinking about divorce because I think about my future 10 yrs from now and i dont see good
I think it would be easier just to divorce him, you are never going to be able to trust him, it takes a lot for someone to change, a LOT, but the first thing is to acknowledge you have a problem and it seems he doesn’t think so. He’s probably just gonna pretend to put in the work and once you stop “nagging”, he’ll go back to his old ways, I know the type.
Don’t think you’d be able to cut him off the accounts. Usually when accounts are opened as joint, both have to be present when any action is taken on the account…at least for my bank.
Or she can stop putting money into the joint bank account, let him clear it out and then it closes on its own. However in some states as long as they're married she will be responsible for his debt.
Epidemic of bums happening in real time in the west. Laziness in general. Thankful I was brought up seeing my father work hard and give us everything we could want. I’ll never rely on anyone to support me unless I’m on my deathbed.
My husband and I always had a joint account but I had an account in my name only that was for the children. He always knew what was in the account and how it was spent for the children, like Christmas, birthdays, winter clothes, school clothes. The account was also for in the event that we went our separate ways, the children would be provided for (I would have custody of the children). We agreed to this before we had children of course. I also will say not once did we ever have an argument over money in 25 years, not once (he is deceased now)
The deceit of not telling your spouse what you spend is what would bother me. Not to say you need to watch every purchase, but if you actively hide it, that's just not a healthy way to operate a marriage.
I feel like she is talking about my husband, 15 years together and we don’t even have a house, so sad! He made great money because he is smart, but the same way he earned he spent it, we could never save for a down payment, or pay off his debts with the IRS, we used to have a joint account, we both working and he literally spent all the money I didn’t have any control of what I was making, so I had to close that account and have my own separate one, but now I’m done! I finally realized that if I continued the relationship with him, I will never have anything. Ready to separate from him and watch for myself.
I'm currently having this issue. I forced his hand and took majority of our tax refund and we have it saved for emergencies. I don't know what he spends his money on in his separate account (just realized) and I'm planning on leaving him. NOW and she should too.
The trouble is - even if she cuts him off - his debt is her debt in the marriage. Been there - the settlement went to court and we each got 50-50 . Sadly, legal separation may be the only way to safeguard your finances.
I was with an overspender. It created anxiety for me. I did know where the money was going, but that didn't help much. I ended up spending very little on myself to accomodate the overspending.
I am sorry but I disagree when it comes to bank accounts. Yes you should have a joint account for bills etc but keep the rest separate. You never know what might happen. And in this case you can’t trust this man with money, she needs to protect herself. I hope she will find the courage to dump his ass
11:40 She doesn't get it... unless SHE introduces serious consequences in his life, nothing will change. SHE NEEDS THERAPY to empower herself to make it happen in her life, because he won't move a finger unless he is forced to. She is one to decide what life she wants and needs for herself, if he changes to fit in it great, if not he will be left behind.
Alcohol gambling drugs the only way for every family member to help the person, is by making them take resposibiltiy for their actions by STOP Helping them and covering for them.
A family intervention may be required. If his mom would agree to it. She definitely needs to have her own separate account. Then transfer her pay into it . only put money into joint account just in time to pay the bills.
I know a woman was married to her husband for 25 years and close to retirement . He borrowed from he and his wife’s joint retirement early to go gambling with it. He gambled and lost their entire retirement fund and now did not even have the money to pay the fees from taking it out early and taxes to pay on it. They divorced as he doesn’t even have a car anymore because he lost everything. She also had to pay the fees since they were both in the account and he couldn’t. She had to have her 45 year son (not his) move in with her to help her pay her mortgage.
I'm really interested to know what makes this guy so amazing that keeps her around and makes up for his massive flaw of secretly spending his family into oblivion.
Have separate accounts and one joint account. Pay bills out of the joint account. If he overspends his account that's his problem until you figure out what your going to do.
He's already stealing from his family to fund his addictions, wants, etcetera - money he knows he can't replace, he will just pull money from any joint account to spend the money he wants to. I absolutely understand this callers anxiety - I lived it. My Mom had a massive ADHD overspending problem that caused us to be evicted from apartment after apartment for years, leaving us homeless for months the last time it happened. When we finally found by fluke a decent apartment, the same habits continued. She was still my representative disability payee - completely in charge of my finances in my early 20s. I went to my GP and talked to him, got him to sign paperwork so I could take charge of my own finances. When I got the letter of approval, I went to the bank and opened new accounts with only my name on them, I kept one joint savings account - that would allow me to move money i.e. my half of the shared bills rent, power, and internet. Then I came back and told her what I'd done. She was furious in part because I hadn't talked to her about it first. There was nothing left to talk about, I'd talked to little effect for years she overspent my income on things trying to build a hyperfixation jewelry making business (well intended trying to create income to support us), buying "rescuing" a $1,000+ parrot from a pet store, on things that weren't our bills. The bills weren't paid first! She was going to be furious either way. Thankfully in my case it forced her to come to a realization, it forced her to change: I'm giving contributing my half of the bills and not a cent more. I have two checking accounts and 1 savings account at the beginning of each pay period a certain amount of money goes into the account for bills, some goes into savings, the rest goes into the second checking account for groceries and anything else. My mom has adopted a similar system which reduces some of her overspending. Several years ago she told me she was grateful - I'd done more to teach her about finances than she'd taught me. She still refuses to get treatment for her ADHD because she doesn't think it's that bad, people with ADHD often don't - I have it too, I just recognize that treatment in the variety of different forms available can be very helpful.
We each have allowances that we can spend however we want(within reason) but these come out of a joint account and we can each see how the other is spending money
Secrets and lies. You’re being manipulated and you know this but you’re not looking at the reality of this situation. He’s got an addiction. Drugs porn gambling or prostitutes. Who knows. Take him off the joint bank account now.
Okay so why when he had credit cards was she the one cleaning up his mess? He should have been sitting down with her while they both worked on it! They both need to sit down and do a budget together!
I wouldn’t ever share an account with my husband however we do go over each others statements when checking over the budget. If he didn’t let me see his statements I’d be really concerned!!!!!
My wife and i have our joint as well as separate accounts. Im the cheap one and we both work and she doesnt want me busting her balls for paying $70 for nails or $120 for a haircut. Separate accounts doesn't necessarily mean something nefarious
That’s how I found out that my ex was cheating on me , bank accounts and I was suspicious about him also about drug addiction. He was showing all the signs about co…e addiction.
It’s a parent child relationship where she gives him allowance and he hides his dirty deeds from his mommy so he won’t get in trouble. No accountability.
My partner is kind of the same way. He doesnt want me to know how much money he has, or what he spends it on. He will only show me how much money he pays in bills for HIS house. We live together and have a child. He makes 150,000/year compared to my 25,000/year. He always complains about money, but at the same time likes to tell me he has over 20k in saving while I struggle to pay my own bills. I buy all of our childs toys because he says that kids dont need them, but he also doesnt want our child to watch too much tv. I get anxious when I have to ask him for money. Says we will only go on vacation when I can pay my half, after he promised to take me on one. My career got sidelined because Im the primary caregiver. So even though we practucally have the same job, he was able to finish his apprenticeship while I struggle to get one because I have to take so much time off work whenever daycare is closed or our child is sick. So Im finacually just stuck where Im at.
There’s so much wrong here. I would call the show and see if they’d put your situation on the air. Also, I would see a therapist who can walk you through how wrong this is and what you can do to change it.
You are in a financially Abusive Relationship. Caring for children is A FULLTIME CAREER. He needs to start paying you for Cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and Sexual services, and see if he still feels like you don't t pull your financial weight. The Real cost of all those things is FAR MORE than his paltry $150,000/ yr.
How do people get themselves in these situations in the first place? This is not a rhetorical question. There are no good answers for this woman at this point, so it seems like what listeners need is advice on how to avoid getting into a mess like this.
I think certain personalities are predisposed to this, however there are likely qualities she’s enjoyed about her husband and while living together realized this is his dynamic with money…she said “there’s other great qualities about him”, so she is overcompensating for him. She likely has always overcompensated for him in some capacity
You can't know at the beginning. My ex was a master manipulator. He seemed like the best person to everyone else. But in private he is a narcissist and sociopath. My mom used to say, "He tricked us all."
Ann, I hope you read this~ You, my friend, are worth sooooo much more than how your husband is treating you.I've gone through this kind of marriage and it's he11 on earth. And it quietly SCREAMS at you, every single day, that YOU don't matter to him _at all._ When I left my ex, the peace that came was indescribable. You deserve to be with someone who loves you enough to admit they're wrong. Someone who loves you enough that they will do _anything_ to make sure you feel safe & protected, encouraged and supported. You deserve to be with someone who will be introspective and be daily looking at themselves in order to see where they're issues and redirect, especially when it comes to how it is affecting the woman they vowed to love, honor and cherish forever. Trauma therapy is helping me work through my experience with all kinds of abuse, including financial abuse~ which is what this is. ❤ Sending you a big hug, my friend!!
I have had a separate checking account from my husband from the beginning of our marriage. I used to be a teacher and I knew it would upset him to see how much personal $ I used to fund things for my classroom! Sad but true.
My hubby and I have have joint accounts for checking and savings, but we also have our own sperate accounts so we can buy our own things separate of bills. But we're very open about what we spend. But we also agreed that hubby was better at budgeting so we stick to his budget and he keeps me involved and updated on changes.
Whew, my ex husband was like this. I swear I’d rather been cheated on than to have some siphon your life savings and your children’s inheritance away. This is a 911 emergency. My Mom did this to my Dad, and he is 77 years old barely making ends meet STILL working
We have separate accounts, because it helps us keep track of everything and what gets spent where, but our name is on all of our accounts. I can’t imagine not knowing what my spouse is spending their money on!
If both your names are on all of your accounts, and you each have access, you don’t have separate accounts. You have several different accounts but not separate.
@Gemmarose9012 I guess I say separate, because outside our account we pay our bills out of we use them separately. So even though we both have access to all 3 accounts two of those accounts we only use individually and only one do we both use.
Listen to this man, he is speaking the true, I have been living this for 34 years, and yeah these guys have some great qualities(when they want or need something, like continuing their dependance on you). It's hard to change your life, harder when children are involved. Please get help for yourself, you deserve it, you are only going yo get sicker, and sicker.
I got married at 38 to my wife who is 34, she had a son who is 10 now. She moved into my house and told me after we married she didn’t work full time before so isn’t going to now, also same comment about her 2-3 hr daily naps. She told me her brother and wife said it’s weird she doesn’t have access to my bank account. I added her for emergencies only and I’ve been waiting 6 years for her to add me to her bank account. She opened a savings account for our daughter and I have no access. Don’t get married it’s a constant battle with someone who isn’t logical, controlling and ungrateful. Marriage is forever unless one spouse cheats or tries to kill you 😂
It's ok to have both joint and separate accounts but the issue is him refusing to tell his wife where it's going and taking so much out of their joint as a unit that funds all the big life things like the family mortgage, bills etc. whatever he's hiding isn't good
I think she should lead this conversation like this, Babe, you know what, I am so sorry, now that I see things clearly, I realized I have been acting like your mom, and I need to stop doing that. You are absolutely right, you have every right to keep secrets and overcharge, and not let me in on your whole life, you have a right to that life, and I'm sorry I pushed you into wanting something different. Now, I want something different, and I of course have the right to that. I don't agree with your life choices, and the way they impact me. Here's what I'm doing: insert your boundary, kiss him and say you're heading out the door and you love him and you'll be back in a few days. Then get some time to be clear and look into what you want, pray, and go forward. Detach from someone else's immaturity, dishonesty and unloving actions to give it to you. You'll find the situation starts to clear up a lot faster.
It doesn't sound like she's ready to protect her family's future from him. She's not even ready to demand answers about what he's buying secretly. She's crying because she doesn't want to hold him accountable. Why bother calling then...very weak character.
I had a husband like that. One day I realized that if I stayed with him I’d be eating dog food in retirement. We had no children. I left him.
How old were you when you left him?,how long were you with him?
@@simoneXox long enough and old enough to know he was bad news.
GLAD YOU LEFT
@@deeprollingriver52🙄 what did you tell us for? If when someone has questions about a story you volunteered, you clam up.
Wow, that’s me now! After 15 years together and not having anything together I said I’m done, leaving him now!
Either drug addiction, porn addiction, gambling or a side chick.
E. All of the above
Or she is so controlling he can't buy a beer. Imagine same call and the man saying she is buying makeup we can't afford and has a hidden account because I won't let her buy it.
I wonder how the side chick thing works. Maybe I should get one 😂. I'm single by the way.
@@JudePi-jx7yo Get help soon.
Definitely could be addiction. I blew through everything I could and took out terrible loans in order to fund my formerly active opiate addiction. I didn't have one care in the world other than not being sick.
Would love for her to call back in a few months with an update
Girl, I married "secret account, I'm not sharing any information with you man" and he was having a whole secret life and taking vacations with another woman. He had the mom issue.... RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!
AMEN
Exactly. He is living a double life
@@californiacoast7021 1000000% and a marriage in secrecy can not last... She is not saying what she is truly feeling. She couldn't say it out loud yet and I know exactly how she feels. It's the rage bubbling under and it's coming.
Open another account and transfer all the money to the checking account and leave his "budget" on the original one. Like 50 cents lol
Or buy yourself reusable gift cards and put that money on there.
Better yet, draw the line. Get a lawyer and go through some discovery.
My mom always said to find a man who loves his mother
Her husband is so selfish. It's bad enough to overspend, but refusing to tell his wife what he uses the money for is absolutely ridiculous. This is not going to end well.
I promise it does not end well, they are ALWAYS up to no good.....
My guess is it’s coca and 304s
Online porn or gambling .
My ex husband asked me if he could buy a biiliards pooll stick. I said, of course. Not realizing he had already bought it. Until our son who was 10 at the time. Told me dad had already taken him and our other son to the bilkiards store😮
@@CMM726 what is that????
This woman doesn’t have a husband, she has a middle aged child.
True!
Most of them do. 😂🤷🏻♂️
This man doesn’t have a wife, he has a mother. She’s the problem.
@@paulh1745 it's fascinating like men are incapable of calling each other out on anything.
@@lancaster.198what? You do know which gender is more likely to emotionally react than logically react right?
Absolutely get him off accounts. Open new ones so he has no access to your money. And don’t deposit another penny into his separate account. Cancel credit cards if you can and lock your credit. See an attorney.
Financial abuse in a nutshell. Switch roles and let the spender be a mother then have this make sense
That's not how marriage works . If you have to do all of that then you may as well get divorced and be done with it . This is what happens when you don't communicate within a marriage
And the problems going to end up being how do you deposit your husband's checks when he's the only one with the authority to do that!! Good luck on that part! They need to sit down with a financial coach and a therapist!!
@@Muzzy0085 well until the divorce she has to protect the family from being bankrupted.
@@furryplantsandcoins9070 he can deposit them into his own account. No more access to the joint account. I doubt he’s going to do counseling. She had to protect herself and any kids they have. .
"He doesn't want me know what he spend his money on" Listen to yourself, he's not truthful, deceit and lies. It's not about spending, it's his behavior and you are his mother.
i can’t understand how people allow this. “maybe he just doesn’t want me to know maybe he thinks he spends too much on drinking and if i say something he might not feel like he can do what he wants to do”
jesus christ 🤦🏻♀️
It is hard to come right out and say my husband is a big liar...you have to focus on the little things first because it is so hard to see the truth you do not want to admit to yourself.
Omg!!! He doesn’t want her knowing what he spends money on????? What?!
Drugs or infidelity for sure
Side chick
Saving up for a nice vacation for her birthday
@@Opxbest
lol😂 no
I am a hardcore investor. I wouldn't let a spouse know what I put away. Day 1 stuff.
He has a secret double life. Counseling won’t help because he won’t tell the truth anyway if he went there. He is a liar and gaslighter. He doesn’t care about anything but what he wants at the expense of his wife and children. Hire a private investigator and get to the bottom of what he is doing. I hope the best for this wife and children.
Yeah, my ex with the secret life, who wouldn’t even try counseling and had side chicks, has been an ex for twenty years.
I divorced my husband and now he can spend his money however he wants. When he goes bankrupt, it won't be my problem.
I lived this exact situation and he stole our kids college money. Protect yourself. His mom and dad did the same thing and you can’t compete with that. Alcohol was a big factor too.
The Mother is a big Enabler!
I went through this too. I finally divorced him and worked my butt off for my retirement. I made it. Retired for 4 years.
This guy sounds exactly like my ex - a kid.
What a man-baby... never being told no is the death of responsibility.
One of my first thoughts is that he's hiding the fact he may be cheating
Man you're jaded lol
Gambling?
Supporting child ?
Porn and alcohol
Agree! Buying gifts for side chick.
@@spriggy4382and you're in denial...
Amazing how Dr. John was able to pick up on her past living experiences of being a people-pleaser!
He definitely didn't miss his calling 😇
Right?! 😂 I think that every time I listen to him. Like, I used to be an overly empathetic, people pleasing doormat (but fam. still seemed mad at me ALL the time) and it broke me, and now I'm just kinda, "Facts don't care about your feelings," "I don't have time for this BS, do the right thing!" But there are days when I miss being the really compassionate person everyone could talk to, and listening to Dr. John tends to precede that, lol.
And this is one of many reasons that staying single isn't a bad thing.
True
I agree with this, and I have a very high regard for marriage.
Or just date
@@isay207date and never stop dating 😅😅😅
For women safer to stay single for many many reasons
You might actually stay alive
A separate allowance of $50=-$100 each / month is reasonable, but hiding hundreds of dollars each month is sneaky & she should get a lawyer ASAP!!
A month ? ... In 1990 maybe
Actually we do this, $100 each per month of no questions asked personal spending. Everything else goes thru the budget/ joint account and has to be agreed on/ budgeted. You have to communicate and be transparent and it works well.
I bet her husband is gambling . I would be checking his phones and emails and securing the family money .
This was my.first thought also... sounds like gambling to me !
Could be hookers and blow.
Yes
Unless he's playing craps, i don't get how people could get addicted to gambling.
Probably drugs and whites. That was
My es.
She's enabled him. I bet everyone has enabled him his whole life. See a lawyer ASAP.
Kick him out.
Nurse. Nurse or teacher
DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE! If she talks to him about closing the accounts, he'll probably just open a new secret one. Just bail, lady, and be free! 🕊
He will get half of the money in the divorce settlement. Do it now before you are broke in retirement.
Many years ago my sister had to separate her finances from those of her husbands. She was the primary earner whose job covered their family insurance, 401K contributions, etc. He was a man baby who sought seasonal employment to work as little as possible. While he was layed off, she asked him to do the banking, pay the mortage (his is before online banking was a thing). Fastforward three months - she gets a letter from the bank saying they were three months behind on their mortage. Turns out he kept the money and blew it on golf, drinking and drugs. Luckily, the bank let them go into a forebearance program so they didn't lose the house. But, yeah, after that she severed herself financially from him. Ironically enough, they are still married.
There is not a single di$& in the world that is worth that. She could get divorced, and every other dude on tinder will share his di$& with her. For free. These losers seek out strong accomplished women, for a free ride. I got rid of a freeloader a few years ago. Best and worst thing I ever had to do.
Noooo they're still married ?
Your sister don’t love herself a bit. How sad!
@@st6576 They must be twins!
@@marilynnelson3559 Yes, he's from a very wealthy family and he recently inherited a large sum of $$$ when his mom passed. She knew about the inheritance all along and stayed (I think) because of it. To me no amount of money would be worth all the crap she's put up with over the years. Very dysfunctional relationship.
Her "He's never made me feel unsafe"
Also her "I was seeing a therapist because I was having a lot of anxiety:
Ok!
I think she needs to save up for a good lawyer because you know his mommy will get him one.
Oh yes you are right!
She thinks he is not capable of physically abusing her.
She didn't consider financial abuse.
Getting the silent vibe that she is shamed into "staying married" because "divorce is wrong." Because she "can't divorce him, all she can do is to try and change him. She knows that this disgusting trap is not a marriage. She's afraid of him, and what is eventually going to happen...and what she is going to discover; as in alcoholism, strange absences, unexplained expenses, side chicks/babies, and burner phones. Believe me, I know. My late-MFC husband talked to his 84-year-old mother 2-3 times a week on the phone. When I married him, I did not know he already owed her $30,000+...a supposed gift. When he was unhappy or feeling resentful of adult responsibilities, she reveled in knowing that "He still needs me. We've always been close. No one will ever come between us." College money, new 4x4 truck, new house. She absolutely loved that he was "dependent" on her. I am still haunted by this betrayal of a marriage.
This is a bigger issue than money.
This lady is telling herself everything is okay but knows deep down it’s over 😅
Wow that's why there are so many divorces. This is easily solvable . Not every marriage has to fail at the sign of a problem
@@Muzzy0085it’s not up to the woman to solve a broken man.
@@Muzzy0085What’s the solution, @Muzzy0085?
@@Muzzy0085depends on how many years this problem has been happening.
He’s not husband material. He doesn’t want her to know where he’s spending money. This IS NOT EASILY SOLVED. Take him off all accounts today and divorce him.
Oh you poor woman, I have been there too, in the end when I said NO and meant it he left. The house was sold and me and the kids started again. I was the " fixer ", I started a new relationship after a while and fell into the same role, but this time I said NO and ended it. My kids are grown, I have no debt and I have never been happier, please don't allow him to use you anymore, invest that money for your kids college fund, not into a personal bank account for the man child, let him run back to Mom and have her fix his wants !
I was the fixer in my relationship, my husband had a huge debt with the IRS the came from years, when they did the garnishment, we were living very tight financially, things got better, I decided to help him, I did my taxes together with him, we paid any balance due, his credit score improved, but because he has a bad record on everything and he wanted to open a business I helped him with that too, we open his business account on my name, later we open a $10k business line of credit to help with his projects, everything on my name, when all started getting better and his credit score was optimal, stores and banks started sending credit card offers and he decided to open 2 credit cards behind my back, and guess what? he forgot about the line of credit I open for his business and he didn’t pay it, not only he didn’t pay my line of credit but now he has more debts with those credit cards he opened, he maxed them up and he couldn’t pay them, when the pandemic came he lost clients and he wasn’t making enough money, we had a balance due from our taxes again but not money saved, that debt came in both names because we did our taxes together and remember? His business was on my name, he dragged me in all his bad financial decisions just because I wanted to help him, but it didn’t work, i know now that he is and was the problem to our financial issues, and I also realized that if i continue with him, the rest of my life will be miserable! And I can’t do this to myself anymore.
I was married to someone who was never told no. She spent money like no problem because she knew her father or grandfather would bail her out. We would travel and I'd pay for half so that she wouldn't shoulder the entire trips. Once it started to become to much for me financially I asked her if could scale it back to one trip a year and she was not happy. I was honest and told her it was too much for me. She didn't understand. By the time the divorce happened and I saw how much she owed I was in shock. She blamed me for it and also said that if I fought her on anything that she would make sure I also owed her debts. I'm so glad we are divorced now.
He’s not the only problem, she enables him as well.
If he knows she or his parents will always bail him out why should he change. It's working for him. Keep your money in your own account. 😕
Ehh no, there’s no “keep your money in your own account”. It’s more “we’re separating because I married a child”
Omg girl. Hes a manchild. My ex was and is EXACTLY the same. His mom? Will never stop. He will never stop running to her.
When I kicked my ex out, I packed his boxes (because he “hurt his back”) and guess who came to pick up his stuff?
His mom. His 72 year old mom who needs a double hip replacement. Moving his stuff.
Run now. Let him stay stagnant but you can grow.
This is why you should be on the same page when it comes to money too. One being a spendthrift is a big deal.
@@wordsalad01 I left the comment before I was finished listening. Sounds like he might buy drugs or gamble.
you need to be on the same page for everything. this is ridiculous. she must have known he was a manchild before
@@doctorpostingwhen people are young starting out they're both immature or at least the maturity gap isn't that big.
Over time one can stay in that stage and the other outgrows it. You can't see that coming 20 years beforehand
OH MY GOD its so bad;;;; his mom just pays his credit card debt? oh god......I think she needs to leave. not my place to say but all I see is down hill.....;
Open your own account and start transferring the money over and then tell him he doesn't get to see how she's spending money on and see how quickly he turns into a hypocrite. 🤔
You do realize that would also make her a hypocrite too!
That's petty, not a solution
@@cyrenedomogalla5127but it would be revealing about his character which would help her come out of denial about the deception levels in this relationship.
So it’s petty and hypocritical but temporarily, might serve a purpose that could be positive.
Good one! I’m petty.
She doesn't know it yet. It hasn't hit her yet. It's over.
My heart goes out to this caller. She does not even want to see or know what her husband’s been up to. And for most people this is understandable. This is fear. I agree that she needs to get her financial plan outlined. She needs to pre-set up all new accounts and close down current existing accounts before having any financial discussions with her husband. She might even have to boot him out of the house based on how the conversation goes… I personally think that he has another side piece or two . Which is very dangerous because of the diseases that come with risky behaviors.
Hard discussions, hard actions, but 30 years from now she’ll be glad she did it.
“This not a money problem, it’s a marriage problem.”
~ Dave Ramsey
You usually can’t force someone to grow up when they don’t want to and mommy is still around. Shame on his mother for keeping him a perpetual child.
Shane on him too though.
Its not controlling its taking care of yourself😢
I am a Christian and I know divorce shouldn’t be an option. However, this guy is a major liability and a ticking time bomb that can do serious harm to his wife and kids financially and otherwise…
Asking the wife to have separate accounts will not solve the problem if he decided to overspent and have tons of debt.
My father is exactly like that. He had a mother as an enabler and spoiled him. Then he kept marrying wives that also acted like his mommy and nannies who doesn’t have the financial, education and maturity to say no to him. He was an unfit father and misguided person who was sad and depressed before he passed away. This isn’t helping anyone.
Money is always a dealbreaker it seems. People are wired the way they are. A spender will never become a saver and vice versa.
I disagree, people can and do change, but they need to want to, they need a reason. Spenders arent gonna become savers unless they get rejected when they swipe and wake up, they have no reason to change without consequences
I had a husband that spend like that and wouldn’t tell me where the money went. Well I found out he was gay and funding his dates with men. I left him immediately. He is probably in debt today but that’s his own fault
You lying
omg that's awful. Major deceit!
She married a momma’s boy and is just now complaining after years of enabling his sh*tty behavior and his mommy rescuing him and ignoring over her? My goodness. They’re all at fault; hopefully she wakes up and makes drastic changes asap.
Husbands that view wives as objects to be obtained and retained, rather than people, do things like this. You can't change his mindset, but you can change how you view him and your relationship. You have the power to change you and change your reaction to him. If that scares you, that tells you something powerful that you need to know.
So true! When I pleaded for the nth time when my ex was doing this, he had no empathy. He said “You are my wife, not my friend” that told me all I needed to know
Good call on her voice pattern, Dr John. That was super insightful.
I had a friend who gambled away her whole home. Her husband stayed and then she started gambling online. I would be gone.
I loved how Ramsey had the exact opposite call yesterday, and they coddled the wife.
Just get a divorce and call it a day. Problem solved.
I looked for that call, can you put a link? I can’t find it.
Tell him to go to his Mum's place until he can grow up because it is serious boundary time as your relationship is at risk and he isn't behaving like a role model for the kids like you need. This is 30-day separation territory to me. He may shape up after 30 days! If he's the right guy he will see sense and start making changes with a solid plan.
Good idea.
This is exactly why Dave Ramsey's living on another planet as far as pooling marital finances is concerned.
They love to ask what do I do when they already know the answer.
I've always said this to my friends when they ask for advice. You know what to do. You're just wanting permission from someone to do it.
Don't marry someone you can't trust to combine your finances with. Why would you ever?
This is what i never understood. How do women end up saying I DO to men like this?? Don't they see it during dating.
Joint finances are not working but I want joint finances to work. Logic folks.
I feel this so hard.Secret accounts are bad and cause financial instability.
I mean I have my own account too, and I don't think it's my partner's business what I spend that money on, but it's more that I want to stay independent and pay for my own stuff so that I don't feel like I'm using his money to pay for my stuff. You know, joint accounts for rent, utilities, grocery shopping, but my own account for buying gifts and stuff for myself. I would show him what I spend, it's nothing crazy, usually like some Amazon stuff, fan merch, clothes etc but I just like having that account and that money to myself, so that in itself is not weird I think. What I think is weird is if you make it a big secret, and it starts getting really bad if you start taking money from joint accounts for God knows what
My son took over the household finances from my daughter in law due to this same issue. She has no access to the account bills are paid from. He set her up an account and has automatic deposits are put into the account for her to do whatever she wants, however, once the money is gone it is gone you get no more for the
Month. If she needs to purchase something after the money is gone she has to go to him and justify the purchase before he will give her anything extra. It works for them. She is ok with it.
She can't know what he gets?!?
Possibly side chicks or online women?
Guesswork at best
Online gambling?
My husband was like this, I eventually got my own accounts with my paychecks depositing into my own account and I would transfer money for bills. While i put a percentage of my money towards my savings and paying down debt. BUT by the time i did this the damage was already done. He was upset i got my own accounts but I told him I gave him chance after chance to take charge and fix the problems and he didn't.
At this point I have been thinking about divorce because I think about my future 10 yrs from now and i dont see good
I think it would be easier just to divorce him, you are never going to be able to trust him, it takes a lot for someone to change, a LOT, but the first thing is to acknowledge you have a problem and it seems he doesn’t think so. He’s probably just gonna pretend to put in the work and once you stop “nagging”, he’ll go back to his old ways, I know the type.
Easier???? The world we live in😑
John floors me with how he just cut’s to the bone (in a nice way) of the issue.
Run, don’t walk out of this relationship unless you want to live paycheck to paycheck and live in subsidized housing in retirement.
Don’t think you’d be able to cut him off the accounts. Usually when accounts are opened as joint, both have to be present when any action is taken on the account…at least for my bank.
Yes but she can open another account and move everything over or just take the debit card and access away from him.
She can open a separate account preferably in another bank.
I took all of my money from the joint account and put it in my own, and then filed for divorce.
Or she can stop putting money into the joint bank account, let him clear it out and then it closes on its own. However in some states as long as they're married she will be responsible for his debt.
She can move it and leave a little money in it
Epidemic of bums happening in real time in the west. Laziness in general. Thankful I was brought up seeing my father work hard and give us everything we could want. I’ll never rely on anyone to support me unless I’m on my deathbed.
My husband and I always had a joint account but I had an account in my name only that was for the children. He always knew what was in the account and how it was spent for the children, like Christmas, birthdays, winter clothes, school clothes. The account was also for in the event that we went our separate ways, the children would be provided for (I would have custody of the children). We agreed to this before we had children of course. I also will say not once did we ever have an argument over money in 25 years, not once (he is deceased now)
The deceit of not telling your spouse what you spend is what would bother me. Not to say you need to watch every purchase, but if you actively hide it, that's just not a healthy way to operate a marriage.
I feel like she is talking about my husband, 15 years together and we don’t even have a house, so sad! He made great money because he is smart, but the same way he earned he spent it, we could never save for a down payment, or pay off his debts with the IRS, we used to have a joint account, we both working and he literally spent all the money I didn’t have any control of what I was making, so I had to close that account and have my own separate one, but now I’m done! I finally realized that if I continued the relationship with him, I will never have anything. Ready to separate from him and watch for myself.
You can do this. Your future is for YOU.
@@chrissyellem7397 that’s right! Thanks!
@@carlel121 I wish you well.
I'm currently having this issue. I forced his hand and took majority of our tax refund and we have it saved for emergencies.
I don't know what he spends his money on in his separate account (just realized) and I'm planning on leaving him. NOW and she should too.
Good luck.
Go girl!
People don’t realize what they have until they’re gone. When you get out of that stressed situation you will be glad.
The trouble is - even if she cuts him off - his debt is her debt in the marriage. Been there - the settlement went to court and we each got 50-50 . Sadly, legal separation may be the only way to safeguard your finances.
I'm glad John dug. This woman was trying to be positive beyond measure!
I was with an overspender. It created anxiety for me. I did know where the money was going, but that didn't help much. I ended up spending very little on myself to accomodate the overspending.
I am sorry but I disagree when it comes to bank accounts. Yes you should have a joint account for bills etc but keep the rest separate. You never know what might happen. And in this case you can’t trust this man with money, she needs to protect herself. I hope she will find the courage to dump his ass
supergirl…What’s to stop him from draining the joint “bill” account?
💯
11:40 She doesn't get it... unless SHE introduces serious consequences in his life, nothing will change. SHE NEEDS THERAPY to empower herself to make it happen in her life, because he won't move a finger unless he is forced to. She is one to decide what life she wants and needs for herself, if he changes to fit in it great, if not he will be left behind.
Alcohol gambling drugs
the only way for every family member to help the person, is by making them take resposibiltiy for their actions by STOP Helping them and covering for them.
A family intervention may be required. If his mom would agree to it. She definitely needs to have her own separate account. Then transfer her pay into it . only put money into joint account just in time to pay the bills.
I know a woman was married to her husband for 25 years and close to retirement . He borrowed from he and his wife’s joint retirement early to go gambling with it. He gambled and lost their entire retirement fund and now did not even have the money to pay the fees from taking it out early and taxes to pay on it. They divorced as he doesn’t even have a car anymore because he lost everything. She also had to pay the fees since they were both in the account and he couldn’t. She had to have her 45 year son (not his) move in with her to help her pay her mortgage.
I'm really interested to know what makes this guy so amazing that keeps her around and makes up for his massive flaw of secretly spending his family into oblivion.
Have separate accounts and one joint account. Pay bills out of the joint account. If he overspends his account that's his problem until you figure out what your going to do.
I don't think this poor woman can even trust him with a joint account for bills. He's completely out of control.
He's already stealing from his family to fund his addictions, wants, etcetera - money he knows he can't replace, he will just pull money from any joint account to spend the money he wants to.
I absolutely understand this callers anxiety - I lived it. My Mom had a massive ADHD overspending problem that caused us to be evicted from apartment after apartment for years, leaving us homeless for months the last time it happened. When we finally found by fluke a decent apartment, the same habits continued. She was still my representative disability payee - completely in charge of my finances in my early 20s. I went to my GP and talked to him, got him to sign paperwork so I could take charge of my own finances. When I got the letter of approval, I went to the bank and opened new accounts with only my name on them, I kept one joint savings account - that would allow me to move money i.e. my half of the shared bills rent, power, and internet. Then I came back and told her what I'd done. She was furious in part because I hadn't talked to her about it first. There was nothing left to talk about, I'd talked to little effect for years she overspent my income on things trying to build a hyperfixation jewelry making business (well intended trying to create income to support us), buying "rescuing" a $1,000+ parrot from a pet store, on things that weren't our bills. The bills weren't paid first! She was going to be furious either way. Thankfully in my case it forced her to come to a realization, it forced her to change: I'm giving contributing my half of the bills and not a cent more. I have two checking accounts and 1 savings account at the beginning of each pay period a certain amount of money goes into the account for bills, some goes into savings, the rest goes into the second checking account for groceries and anything else. My mom has adopted a similar system which reduces some of her overspending. Several years ago she told me she was grateful - I'd done more to teach her about finances than she'd taught me. She still refuses to get treatment for her ADHD because she doesn't think it's that bad, people with ADHD often don't - I have it too, I just recognize that treatment in the variety of different forms available can be very helpful.
That sounds like what they have now.
We each have allowances that we can spend however we want(within reason) but these come out of a joint account and we can each see how the other is spending money
Secrets and lies. You’re being manipulated and you know this but you’re not looking at the reality of this situation. He’s got an addiction. Drugs porn gambling or prostitutes. Who knows. Take him off the joint bank account now.
Okay so why when he had credit cards was she the one cleaning up his mess? He should have been sitting down with her while they both worked on it! They both need to sit down and do a budget together!
I wouldn’t ever share an account with my husband however we do go over each others statements when checking over the budget. If he didn’t let me see his statements I’d be really concerned!!!!!
My wife and i have our joint as well as separate accounts. Im the cheap one and we both work and she doesnt want me busting her balls for paying $70 for nails or $120 for a haircut. Separate accounts doesn't necessarily mean something nefarious
That’s how I found out that my ex was cheating on me , bank accounts and I was suspicious about him also about drug addiction. He was showing all the signs about co…e addiction.
Delony got it spot on after 2:00
This could be me as a caller and I empathize with her exactly.
Well get yourself. a backbone , do you think you deserve this?
It’s a parent child relationship where she gives him allowance and he hides his dirty deeds from his mommy so he won’t get in trouble. No accountability.
I’m dying to look through his bank info!!!
It's not controlling at all. a joint account is JOINT! it's not for only one spouse to abuse and misuse.
My partner is kind of the same way. He doesnt want me to know how much money he has, or what he spends it on. He will only show me how much money he pays in bills for HIS house. We live together and have a child. He makes 150,000/year compared to my 25,000/year. He always complains about money, but at the same time likes to tell me he has over 20k in saving while I struggle to pay my own bills.
I buy all of our childs toys because he says that kids dont need them, but he also doesnt want our child to watch too much tv. I get anxious when I have to ask him for money. Says we will only go on vacation when I can pay my half, after he promised to take me on one. My career got sidelined because Im the primary caregiver. So even though we practucally have the same job, he was able to finish his apprenticeship while I struggle to get one because I have to take so much time off work whenever daycare is closed or our child is sick. So Im finacually just stuck where Im at.
There’s so much wrong here. I would call the show and see if they’d put your situation on the air. Also, I would see a therapist who can walk you through how wrong this is and what you can do to change it.
Yeah... You guys are a team, this division is fatal (related to the relationship).
You are in a financially Abusive Relationship. Caring for children is A FULLTIME CAREER. He needs to start paying you for Cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and Sexual services, and see if he still feels like you don't t pull your financial weight. The Real cost of all those things is FAR MORE than his paltry $150,000/ yr.
You need to file for child support.
Why are you still with him? Wake up woman!
How do people get themselves in these situations in the first place? This is not a rhetorical question. There are no good answers for this woman at this point, so it seems like what listeners need is advice on how to avoid getting into a mess like this.
It's not that simple, it's a process, it is very gradual and it takes a while before you can't see the wood for the trees.
@@ShoJ369absolutely spot on.
I think certain personalities are predisposed to this, however there are likely qualities she’s enjoyed about her husband and while living together realized this is his dynamic with money…she said “there’s other great qualities about him”, so she is overcompensating for him. She likely has always overcompensated for him in some capacity
You can't know at the beginning. My ex was a master manipulator. He seemed like the best person to everyone else. But in private he is a narcissist and sociopath. My mom used to say, "He tricked us all."
Ann, I hope you read this~
You, my friend, are worth sooooo much more than how your husband is treating you.I've gone through this kind of marriage and it's he11 on earth. And it quietly SCREAMS at you, every single day, that YOU don't matter to him _at all._
When I left my ex, the peace that came was indescribable.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you enough to admit they're wrong. Someone who loves you enough that they will do _anything_ to make sure you feel safe & protected, encouraged and supported. You deserve to be with someone who will be introspective and be daily looking at themselves in order to see where they're issues and redirect, especially when it comes to how it is affecting the woman they vowed to love, honor and cherish forever.
Trauma therapy is helping me work through my experience with all kinds of abuse, including financial abuse~ which is what this is. ❤
Sending you a big hug, my friend!!
Ive NEVER had a joint account no chance
I understand
I have had a separate checking account from my husband from the beginning of our marriage. I used to be a teacher and I knew it would upset him to see how much personal $ I used to fund things for my classroom! Sad but true.
It wasn’t personal money if you were married
@dennisdupuI don't care whether or not I am married, once the household bills are paid, the rest of MY money is my own personal money. 1567
Whether I am married or not, after all of the household bills are paid, the rest of MY money is my own personal money.
My hubby and I have have joint accounts for checking and savings, but we also have our own sperate accounts so we can buy our own things separate of bills. But we're very open about what we spend. But we also agreed that hubby was better at budgeting so we stick to his budget and he keeps me involved and updated on changes.
Whew, my ex husband was like this. I swear I’d rather been cheated on than to have some siphon your life savings and your children’s inheritance away.
This is a 911 emergency. My Mom did this to my Dad, and he is 77 years old barely making ends meet STILL working
We have separate accounts, because it helps us keep track of everything and what gets spent where, but our name is on all of our accounts. I can’t imagine not knowing what my spouse is spending their money on!
If both your names are on all of your accounts, and you each have access, you don’t have separate accounts. You have several different accounts but not separate.
@Gemmarose9012 I guess I say separate, because outside our account we pay our bills out of we use them separately. So even though we both have access to all 3 accounts two of those accounts we only use individually and only one do we both use.
Listen to this man, he is speaking the true, I have been living this for 34 years, and yeah these guys have some great qualities(when they want or need something, like continuing their dependance on you). It's hard to change your life, harder when children are involved.
Please get help for yourself, you deserve it, you are only going yo get sicker, and sicker.
I got married at 38 to my wife who is 34, she had a son who is 10 now. She moved into my house and told me after we married she didn’t work full time before so isn’t going to now, also same comment about her 2-3 hr daily naps. She told me her brother and wife said it’s weird she doesn’t have access to my bank account. I added her for emergencies only and I’ve been waiting 6 years for her to add me to her bank account. She opened a savings account for our daughter and I have no access.
Don’t get married it’s a constant battle with someone who isn’t logical, controlling and ungrateful.
Marriage is forever unless one spouse cheats or tries to kill you 😂
It's ok to have both joint and separate accounts but the issue is him refusing to tell his wife where it's going and taking so much out of their joint as a unit that funds all the big life things like the family mortgage, bills etc. whatever he's hiding isn't good
He doesn't just listen to what they say, but also the tone, cadence, and word choices. It's interesting.
I think she should lead this conversation like this, Babe, you know what, I am so sorry, now that I see things clearly, I realized I have been acting like your mom, and I need to stop doing that. You are absolutely right, you have every right to keep secrets and overcharge, and not let me in on your whole life, you have a right to that life, and I'm sorry I pushed you into wanting something different. Now, I want something different, and I of course have the right to that. I don't agree with your life choices, and the way they impact me. Here's what I'm doing: insert your boundary, kiss him and say you're heading out the door and you love him and you'll be back in a few days. Then get some time to be clear and look into what you want, pray, and go forward. Detach from someone else's immaturity, dishonesty and unloving actions to give it to you. You'll find the situation starts to clear up a lot faster.
It doesn't sound like she's ready to protect her family's future from him. She's not even ready to demand answers about what he's buying secretly. She's crying because she doesn't want to hold him accountable. Why bother calling then...very weak character.
She's scared to "lose" him. To be a divorced woman.