Dismissive avoidants do that. They come on strong and love-bomb you, then they get scared and run. Don't get emotionally attached to them. If you like them, keep them in a friendzone. I had to put up that boundary and say we're just friends until he's healed in therapy. He's got a lot of other things going on in his life that would make dating difficult per se. He's still sending me good morning messages. I know it's like breadcrumbing, but due to my emotional detachment now, I look at it neutrally for what it is: a good morning text. Someone thinking of me. Just something sweet my "friend" is doing. He's not a big conversation starter, but always there if I need to talk and I'm there for him on that rare occasion he opens up to me since I'm one of the few he trusts. If I were emotionally attached and dating him, yes, he'd be totally wasting my time given his emotional unavailability and other chaos in his life.
Thanks for sharing. So long as reaching out to him isn't lowering your hunger to create new connections, keep going. If you reach out when you feel "the void" or loneliness, a different approach might work out better for you long term. : )
@@BernMendez I understand what you're saying. And yes, I know about the "void". I was on my own healing journey many years ago and consider myself "secure" after having dealt with a malignant narcissist. So yes, I noticed how this DA pushed me back into an anxious space I don't belong in anymore when the push-and-pull occurred. I even believed he was a narcissist at first, but the manipulation was missing. We talked this over so many times and he was always listening and became more and more self-aware. It was then that he told me his therapist diagnosed him being a DA. I wish he had told me earlier or he didn't know in the beginning. He started therapy (primarily due to military PTSD which triggered his avoidant behavior). I'm not desperate to reach out to him to fill a void anymore once we had decided to create the "friend" boundary between us and emotionally detach from the connection. We started out as friends, so we just went back where we came from so to speak. I don't think he's a bad person. He's just very lonely, depressed, and stuck where he's at. In fact, we have a lot in common and I realized I'm somewhat avoidant, too, just not as scared of commitment and intimacy as he is. I feel like throwing away what we have would be very selfish of me given his situation. I think, many times, I've been an eye-opener to him and he has corrected his behavior. He said time and time again he had no intention to hurt other people because he hurt enough people in Afghanistan and thinks of himself as being a bad person. He's afraid people are hating on him for his service. He helped me with my own application for the military last year, so it would be impossible to break this connection anyways.
@@cup_o_TMarie That's a good question. He's a popular UA-camr who talks to many people and also in the military, so eventually a co-worker should I get accepted. But he has also expressed to me that I deserve a man in my life who is reliable and unlike him (as long as he is dismissive avoidant). He even went as far as telling me that he could help me find a good man. It was almost heartbreaking to hear this. I would assume the contact would just fizzle out and we also don't talk as much as before already. This being said, I'm not looking for anybody in my life. People stumble in, and out of friendship grows something else. In that regard I might somewhat avoidant, too, because I feel like I don't "need" anybody, but if the right person happens to come along, I would "want" to. I truly hate how men and women just can't be friends at a certain age anymore it seems. I'm struggling with that because when I was a kid, all my friends were boys, and as an adult, I prefer male friends more than female friends. I would be able to keep it totally platonic, but I do understand being in a relationship would make such friendships difficult if not impossible. Sadly. And I would never want my partner be uncomfortable or insecure. I know what triangulation feels like from my experience with a narcissist.
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Dismissive avoidants do that. They come on strong and love-bomb you, then they get scared and run. Don't get emotionally attached to them. If you like them, keep them in a friendzone. I had to put up that boundary and say we're just friends until he's healed in therapy. He's got a lot of other things going on in his life that would make dating difficult per se. He's still sending me good morning messages. I know it's like breadcrumbing, but due to my emotional detachment now, I look at it neutrally for what it is: a good morning text. Someone thinking of me. Just something sweet my "friend" is doing. He's not a big conversation starter, but always there if I need to talk and I'm there for him on that rare occasion he opens up to me since I'm one of the few he trusts. If I were emotionally attached and dating him, yes, he'd be totally wasting my time given his emotional unavailability and other chaos in his life.
Thanks for sharing. So long as reaching out to him isn't lowering your hunger to create new connections, keep going. If you reach out when you feel "the void" or loneliness, a different approach might work out better for you long term. : )
@@BernMendez I understand what you're saying. And yes, I know about the "void". I was on my own healing journey many years ago and consider myself "secure" after having dealt with a malignant narcissist. So yes, I noticed how this DA pushed me back into an anxious space I don't belong in anymore when the push-and-pull occurred. I even believed he was a narcissist at first, but the manipulation was missing. We talked this over so many times and he was always listening and became more and more self-aware. It was then that he told me his therapist diagnosed him being a DA. I wish he had told me earlier or he didn't know in the beginning. He started therapy (primarily due to military PTSD which triggered his avoidant behavior). I'm not desperate to reach out to him to fill a void anymore once we had decided to create the "friend" boundary between us and emotionally detach from the connection. We started out as friends, so we just went back where we came from so to speak. I don't think he's a bad person. He's just very lonely, depressed, and stuck where he's at. In fact, we have a lot in common and I realized I'm somewhat avoidant, too, just not as scared of commitment and intimacy as he is. I feel like throwing away what we have would be very selfish of me given his situation. I think, many times, I've been an eye-opener to him and he has corrected his behavior. He said time and time again he had no intention to hurt other people because he hurt enough people in Afghanistan and thinks of himself as being a bad person. He's afraid people are hating on him for his service. He helped me with my own application for the military last year, so it would be impossible to break this connection anyways.
Sending hugs to ya. This sounds like my life for past 8 years minus the military.
@@SaraX2024Would you keep contact with him if you were in another relationship?
@@cup_o_TMarie That's a good question. He's a popular UA-camr who talks to many people and also in the military, so eventually a co-worker should I get accepted. But he has also expressed to me that I deserve a man in my life who is reliable and unlike him (as long as he is dismissive avoidant). He even went as far as telling me that he could help me find a good man. It was almost heartbreaking to hear this. I would assume the contact would just fizzle out and we also don't talk as much as before already. This being said, I'm not looking for anybody in my life. People stumble in, and out of friendship grows something else. In that regard I might somewhat avoidant, too, because I feel like I don't "need" anybody, but if the right person happens to come along, I would "want" to. I truly hate how men and women just can't be friends at a certain age anymore it seems. I'm struggling with that because when I was a kid, all my friends were boys, and as an adult, I prefer male friends more than female friends. I would be able to keep it totally platonic, but I do understand being in a relationship would make such friendships difficult if not impossible. Sadly. And I would never want my partner be uncomfortable or insecure. I know what triangulation feels like from my experience with a narcissist.
I like your sense of humor along with the good points :)
Thanks Olga! : )
Excellent advice, as always.
Wow, so good to hear and timely! Thanks!! Three cheers for raising one's standards!
Thank you for being so caring to us women
Good tips. Thanks.
Terry, you're welcome!
What are #1 and 2? It seems like you start with #3. It's good info. The numbering just seems off.