That's The Main Point People Judge Them WRONG "AS A HIGH VALUED MAN A SPIRITUAL GURU/INTELLECTUAL MAN WHO'S JST A BARE MINIMUM MAN IN CHARACTER WISE & COULD BE BELOW LVL HUMAN THAN ANIMALS.. " 😊
I have a big amount of experience on this area and my red flags are: 1) He overshare on early stages or the opposite, just let you speak without sharing anything (in the first is trying to sell you an image, in the second is getting usefull information). 2) He talk a lot, but don't seem much interested in you (he is looking for a cheerleader, not a partner). 3) He pretends to fall for you too quick and make you feel like an exception in order to emotionally drag you too (if he falls quickly for you, he's just proyecting and probably does it often with anyone). 4) Invades your physicall space. 5) Try to convince you to go to his territory (his house, his room or his bed). Real men takes their time, move gradually and give you proof in form of actions.
cried for 2 weeks with the same kind of guy. felt guilty that I didn't go to his house coz he had problems. then he says let's be friends and take our time. 😂
Had a group leader like this. Knew right off what he was up to based on the reaction of some of the other women in the group. One woman actually yelled at him (probably his last victim) when he tried to draw an answer out of me. The guy flirted relentlessly but it was all about getting me to pay attention to him. He never asked anything about me. Just wanted another notch on his bed post. He lead a group of vulnerable women & made it his dating pool. Glad I was smart & knew his game
Most people don’t go to therapy for the right reason. Instead of working on themselves and wanting to change, they try to excuse their shitty behavior & gaslight you for not being understanding.
This is so spot on! Acting like they're available, but actually dating several other women at once behind your back and never committing to just one. Even calling you their girlfriend and making you believe it's serious. It took me so long to fathom that some people are that calculated and selfish, but I have gone through too much grief to go on and now I have accepted it. I have so much more peace of mind now cause I don't want anyone like that in my life, no matter how special they can make me feel.
This happens for both sides. I was dating a woman for two months before I found out that she was dating two other men. Makes one feel like a pair of shoes being compared and then selected. But after this happens once or twice you learn to look out for the obvious signs. She was a clinical psychologist btw.
Words, by text or talk, are easy. The only way to know if someone is who they say they are is the passage of time, by demonstrating through actions of their character, consistency and the courage to care. Give someone a certain amount of time to reveal themselves.
I went on a couple dates with a guy who was a recovered heroin addict. His recovery was impressive, and I'm not judging, but he had a TON of support. His story became a badge of honor (& nothing wrong with being proud of that) but he spent 0 time getting to know about my past traumas and it was apparent he automatically walked in to dates assuming he was THE Survivor and no one else had their own journey.
Amen! Some Don't want to Ask about other people's Past, out of Respect. Not a lot of people are Comfortable with Sharing their Business. Maybe that's why they didn't Ask? Not sure if this was the case in your Situation... Know, if you're Comfortable Sharing Past Trauma...if the other person Let's you, Please, Feel Free to Share & Don't wait to be Asked :) But, Yes... if the Convo's are 1-sided. Ditch them! ;P
Lolololol I worked in rehab and met this exact guy. Heroine cocaine addict, talked recovery talk, but only interested in himself. No one has had it "bad" as he did. Lololllol
I know quite a few addicts like this. They maybe have quit the drugs or alcohol but they are still addicted to their past traumas and attention seeking behaviors. They identify as “in recovery” but it stops at that. Really recovering from a challenge or trauma is no longer identifying with it and growing beyond the person you were when you used.
OMG! You all nailed it! "Massive lack of self-awareness," "Love the sound of their own voice," "Spoon-feed their own values." I can tag about 10 of my last dates.
9:00 This is EXACTLY what happened to me. He forced me to be vulnerable with him, then immediately started condescending to me telling me what I should've done. WOW. You are right. SUPER Red Flag!
Totally agree with this. Tbh in today's dating world you can never tell who's showing their genuine feelings for you or hides through a mask. If you're not attentive enough to their red flags early on, they will keep you stringing along to their game until you get fully emotionally attached to them, which makes it harder to detached or walk away in the long run since you've already built a connection. They may even let you think about good memories that you have spent together, make you believe that they really cared and it's such a waste to throw it all away, when in reality it's all a blur. It's just a cycle and a waste of time. Ladies, never settle for less than you deserve. Be willing to walk away.
Dating at all honestly is a huge waste of time and soul draining. Social media , in my opinion , killed it. I've been burned a lot and can't and will never trust any girl ever again , i'll avoid them completely forever. #tons of negativity but w/e Have a happy day 🙂
This happenned to me too. I was fresh out of a three year situashionship with a guy, and suddenly I meet him - warm, kind, understanding, and above all else, spiritual and able to understand me on the deepest level. To me at that point he was everything that my "ex" wasnt. When I was around him, I felt like I was bathing in warm sunshine, like this guy was my own haven of safety, only with him I could be myself. He was like a best friend and a boyfriend in the same body. Add to that - tall, handsome, with tonns of girls swooning over him. So we were seeing each other, he expressed lots of interest and admiration, I was starting to fall head over heels in love, and then he dissapeared. He only reappeared months later, telling me that he had just broken up with his girlfriend - apparently, whom he was dating while seeing me at the same time. And then he dissapeared again, leaving me confused and frustrated. It still blows my mind how someone that profound, spiritual and warm turned out to be a f*ckboy.
Did you get clear on what he wanted from you from the beginning?? Sometimes I wonder if being more agressive in our questioning early on can make the difference. I met a guy online who said he was looking for a wife. On the date though he said he didnt know what he was looking for and was in transition. I left it at that. But I think perhaps we must pry deeper to get answers. Cause a man is looking for something in general..but what he wants with us specifically may be the same or different as what he wants in his life in general.
That is ridiculous. I've been in similar situations. Let's pray that we will grow in the wisdom necessary to notice the red flags earlier and cut them off when we do. We have to be stronger.
@@juliaskagfjord6207 "Sometimes I wonder if being more agressive in our questioning early on can make the difference." Absolutely. Asking the right questions on THE FIRST DATE can save us a lot of heartache down the road. Find out these four essential things: His attitude toward his mother, his attitude toward his exes, his goals in life, and his one regret.
A three-year situationship with a guy who was not warm, kind and understanding, and with the new guy "only with him I could be myself"... Sounds like what happened in the three years would have really chipped away your (or anyone's) self esteem. To be close with someone for so long who isn't kind or understanding really does some damage. I would imagine you couldn't be your true self with that guy because it would open you up to even worse damage. So you became timid, shy, fake or closed off to some extent. Then you meet a guy who is attractive and who knows the key to really having people eat out of the palm of one's hand is to make them feel seen and appreciated. It would be like water in the desert to someone who's been in your shoes. I'm sure the previous guy, if he wasn't kind or understanding, was not very self aware. But this new guy's trick is actually simple to do and his intentions don't have to be pure to make it seem sincere. He just has to be observant (about what you say/respond to), intelligent (to make accurate predictions) and motivated (to stick with a strategy). And to believe everything is a numbers game which justifies the constant "trading up" and playing the field. It's entitlement wrapped in a pretty "follow your heart/honor your feelings" bow. For someone like yourself who wasn't expecting a person to be that strategic (or probably in his mind "tactful") with emotions it would be quite the wakeup call. It definitely got the better of me with some people, too! I'm so sorry that happened to you. But really it's not profound at all. He just read How to Win Friends and Influence People or something like it. People's feelings are just another topic like anything else. They can be learned and used like chemistry to make either a bomb or toothpaste. I would actually recommend reading that book if it interests you, so that you could sense it when someone is pulling those strings.
They are the best manipulators- they use the language- they dance around the sensitive issues but never , never - really get committed to anything! They paint the best picture of how wonderful they are ….. in reality they are scoping out on what you can do for them or what they can get out of you!!! Be aware
Agreed, someone shouldn’t feel the need to dazzle you when they first meet you. They should be comfortable being themselves in your presence. It shouldn’t be forced. Social media has destroyed this process for many.
I dont know whether it is social media or what but it seems there is no value for the charming quality of a calm , reflective , poise personality these days. Everything has to be instant and therefore a person has to show all his capability in one date or one meet.. if not then there is no chemistry or no attraction. or you are friendzoned whatever.. everyone is so paranoid.
@@Valkyri3Zwell said. Don't ever let yourself get put in the friend zone. You can tell if she's into you or not. What Rich Cooper calls, strong burning desire for you. If she doesn't have it, bounce. I agree everyone's paranoid LOL and you only get like speed dating no matter what
I think it’s also fair to recognize that some people are -nervous- and that can cause them to come off as showy on occasion. It doesn’t always have to mean they’re a self absorbed narc. Maybe they’re just learning how to date and want to make a good impression.
@@Valkyri3Z the gym was the same time he's a good 😊🤗 and the family is doing my nut and I am not able until tomorrow to see if you have any other reason than you think I can get the best way of asking if we have the opportunity of the week after that time to think
“They forget that other people exist” “they lack humility”. Broke up with him last week after 20 months. I was starting to feel invisible and turning against myself. This type of relationship will ruin you. Run away!!!
So funny - I said the exact, word-to-word exact sentence to my ex: he is very sensitive to his own needs but not when it comes to mine or others. He was sensitive, emotional but it took me years to realise they were HIS NEEDs and I was there as a provider for his needs while my own was never noticed, taken care of or reciprocated. I will tell all girls this: don’t be fooled into any mothering instinct by feeling protective of a sensitive man. There are guys using masculinity or materials to win over women, there are also men using tears or vulnerability to get girls. Focus only on how he treats you and how he takes care of your soul. Keep in check what you really ‘benefit’ from his efforts in the relationship and don’t be dragged into filling his emotional black hole. He used to place me in a seemingly very high position by saying he needs me or he doesn’t know how to live without me. This is a red flag if he otherwise puts very little to none effort in relationship to make you happy or meet your needs. He is triggering your mothering instincts by being the needy one so he sets the basic tone of your relationship that he always will be the needy ‘asker’ and you will always be the understanding ‘provider’.
And when you bring up your needs they get philosophical with it like, "But what makes you think others are supposed to give you that? Can you meet your own needs? Are you sure you even have needs?"
I had a situationship with such a guy (masculine, sporty, intellectual, artistic, sensitive, shy, traumatised by parents' divorce, mama's boy, sick mum) yet he wasn't all about his own voice. He was actually an introvert and a great listener who showed he cared. That's why it was so difficult and it took me so long to realise he was no good (on-and-off girlfriend, constantly on Tinder with real and fake profiles, etc). I am so glad I was able to resist even my strongest impulses until the end and did not have sex with him. I think he was self-aware, he just chose to hide behind excuses and technicalities, and not grow. I think he got off the "romantic connection" high. He certainly did not have, as you said, "character". He did not deserve me.
They can also be very observant and a good listener. Even a good supporter. But after they have made sure you feel seen and special, they freak out and start getting flaky with you. This especially happens when you are starting to want to define the relationship or make any future plans. They pull away and start focusing on other girls doing the exact same thing to them as they did to you. They are not only f*ck boys, they are serial heart breakers.
Here’s a fun tinder story: matched with a guy who asked me out on the same day. I said ok what did you have in mind. He replies hours later that his grandpa had a heart attack and because he is like a father figure to him he had to immediately jump in the car and drive to see him like 100 miles away. Fast forward a few hours we were talking still and I mentioned I had just got my license and he was like ”it must feel so freeing to be able to drive. I don’t have a license”. I said ”hang on I thought you just drove to see your grandpa”. And guess what. He unmatched. So either he was lying about the grandpa or the fact that he drove a car to see him or the license and he just forgot his own plot. Telling about dying grandpas and father issues in the first few messages does seem like a plot to make a girl feel sorry for the guy and thus making her easier to be controlled by him in the future. If my father figure of a grandpa was dying I wouldn’t be on tinder nor would I tell that kinda information on the first interaction. Anyway, I think I dodged a bullet.
Yes and ı have come to a point of losing all trust for men , İt is such a point that I even dont want to meet or talk to a man , I am emotionally so exhausted .
Omg, this is my ex husband also. Into meditation, yoga, talked about HIS feelings a lot, but didn’t ask me about mine. Also was having various affairs during our marriage (I found out about them after). I’m still detoxing from the gaslighting
I have definitely felt called out in a good and constructive way. I tend to share and be vulnerable with people that I feel a connection to. For me, I always saw it as a way to open the door to a more honest relationship, kindof setting the example, which I don't think is wrong...so long as I've taken the time to physically be with that person and gained a natural repore. I even felt called out with the "If you have to say you're X, you're probably not X." I've done this, and felt super icky about it afterward. I am glad to know that my gut is trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. Thank you for calling out my ego. You're wisdom and clarity in communication really helps!
I feel like sharing something more personal with someone you feel a connection with and opening up to them isn’t something bad tho? It also allows the two of you to have deeper conversations because you’d be sharing someone more important rather than superficial stuff. Of course you shouldn’t overshare but being super closed off doesn’t feel like a good option either 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t see how it could be seen as something bad
I guess it's just that it's do rare that it makes the whole thing feel special. Just sort of a "i want you to know what you're getting yourself into". But it still is early in the "relationship" (possibly too early to even call it one). You'd think someone wouldn't spit their whole life story to you if they didn't trust you and feel for you, but no, sometimes it's just because they want to be practical. And then the relationship ends after a month and the other person is like "But he was so open and vulnerable with me!...". I don't think this is the issue. The issue is with getting into sex too early. That's the thing that makes you feel used and gives you the negative feelings post "breakup".
I overshare too, rarely, only with people I feel I have a strong or rare connection too and I've noticed people come alive when we get into deeper talks rather than just "what's up". I hear them and they make sense and I thought about toning it down but I still don't think it's super bad.
@@OzmaOfOzz it’s tough job to just keep it surface ish while dating, and when over doing it, it can feel calculated and cunning. Just like small talks can be tough. So I guess we have to figure out the right “degree “ or “amount “.
Okay i have a confession to make. I am recovering narcissic. I used to lecture and coach people constantly until a good friend told me the whole truth, much to my gratitude. I am glad because although i have always been self centered my Ego didnt prevent me for hearing the truth and understanding i needed to change. It is such a crazy journey. But it is soooo worth it.
You aren't a narcissist then, by the sheer definition of a narcissist.... You can't be able to take criticism or judgement or feedback at all, or self reflect or be aware of your imperfections and willing to grow and do better... Literally everything you said is the exact opposite of the requirements one has to have to be a narcissist. I'd look up the dsm-5 requirements for a narc diagnosis. Being unaware doesn't make you a narc. Being selfish and self absorbed is treatable,.. narcissism isn't.
@@samanthanelson1333That's not true. Narcissists who start therapy can be self-aware. The actual problem is with changing. Many who are self-aware, despite that, do not change.
15:19 I would like to say few words about Matthew’s believe that it is a red flag when you open up to somebody and they start to give you a solution. Lot’s of people simply doesn’t know how to support others and validate their feelings and experiences, rather than “stuffing them down” (I am personally appeared to be not as good at it as I thought). So it doesn’t mean they are players or manipulative. They just trying to do their best sometimes, with really good intentions behind.
Crazy how you guys dropped this video right in the wake of my most recent and most painful breakup. I couldn't bring myself to believe that such a person could exist and that such agreeable traits could coexist with such selfishness, even though a single friend of mine hit the nail on the head well before I did with the words 'emotional fuckboy', but I was in denial for a while. This video and the comments underneath it from all the people going through the same thing has really opened my eyes... he was almost word for word exactly what's been described here. It's scary that such people even exist and can hurt you even if you're careful and vigilant.
Omgggg hahahah I just got out of a situation with this guy who fits exactly what was described by Matthew in the beginning. It’s dazzling to come across this kind of person who seem to be emotionally vulnerable, strong self awareness, yet downright manipulative when you are asking for a relationship, but yet getting all the relationship benefits. It was quite a toxic moment for me and it’s still mindfcked me a lot. I’m glad it’s short and it’s over now.
You're describing my ex boyfriend!!!! These kind of men are the worst!! They know all your weaknesses and no matter how smart you are as a woman you can barely escape them.
Came to this video because I was feeling confused about a new man. Wow, the clarity!!! Thank you for helping me understand why his behavior was making me so uncomfortable. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, my biggest fear is being back in that situation. You helped me catch a few major red flags 🚩
I was once in a situation with a guy who called himself *a holistic sex coach* and he tried to get me into bed using his 'wisdom' and saying how I should just follow my body's desire and let myself flow. It felt that he was kind of manipulating me.. And boy did he get offended when he received a big NO from me. I guess, learning never stops! I share some juicy stories on my channel 😉
@@katarinadmitrieva1114 It would be a total turn of to me. Would make me think that’s creepy even if I was joining a group therapy, workshop of a training …
I think it's more subtle than what you are saying. It's more covert. It's about looks, how close he sits to you. everything is sexualised, but only between you and him. So no one else sees. Everyone thinks he's a great guy. But you know he's doing the same with everyone of the opposite sex that will potentially feed his ego. You can't call him out as you'll be labelled as a bitter b****, and jealous...
OMG I LITERALLY just got out of this type of situation and I was trying to piece together how I could have been so fooled and then this video 🙌🏽 Matthew explains it all 💅
When we are in a relationship or we have children our energies are mostly focused on those people and our job and we don’t have much extra time for other people. So if you are single then that opens you up to be a gift to a lot more people. When single it’s an opportunity to be able to invest in yourself and To be more available and present to other people in your life that you care about. It’s a time to be cherished. I wouldn’t waste it on feeling anxious Or worried that you’re not going to find love.
It is rare these days to meet people who don’t talk At you the moment they meet you. The level of self promotion is preoccupying. Thank you for this video. I agree with all points made, and above all - to cultivating humility 😊
I really appreciate the criticism because I feel like I jump to giving others unsolicited advice when maybe I don’t have enough experience to back it up and they don’t ask for it lol. I just feel I really needed to hear this
Omg I started dating again after a few years and this type of guy was a total shock to be on a coffee date with. It was our first date and already he was arguing that sex was a deeply profound, spiritual experience to him and we should do it as soon as possible. He didn’t like being thought of or spoken to like he was a fuck boy he got soooo sensitive about it lmao he said he’d do whatever it took to get my trust (so we could start sleeping together) I declined, set up a few boundaries and he suddenly had no interest in continuing to try. He was in therapy and we had many spiritual talks etc. He even said women mainly stopped seeing him because he “Made them feel confused…” I wonder why😂
Lmaoooo 😂 I remember my ex said things like “sex with the one you love is the best feeling ever” when we had just started talking and I was like “why do you feel so close to me already to start saying things about sex” He told me he’s not like the other guys, that he doesn’t like sex like other men, that he’s different from them and other bs and got soooo mad when I told him that I felt that he only wanted to have sex and used me I mean of course, who would say “yes you’re right” And after he moved to Thailand and we broke up he showed everyone who the f he truly is. The “ons suck” guy didn’t exist anymore 🤡
The moment you start to over identify with things you do like yoga, retreats, therapy etc. you lose yourself in those things. Everyone and everything has to comply with this way of living. That’s not healthy 🤷🏾♀️ thank you for this episode! What a nice mixture of opinions 😊♥️
Women love to feel like the exception honestly… I’ve seen it with friends so many times and confident women can fall into this just as easily as insecure women who doubt themselves… If you know you are great, you expect someone else to think you are and it isn’t shocking to have them try to wow you… If you are insecure in yourself, you can be easily flattered into feeling like you are the exception that this man has finally connected with. Like said in this video I always remind myself that somebody who is opening up immediately just does that often… It has nothing to do with ME being great. My lack of dropping my entire life on somebody I just met has nothing to do with anything but the fact that someone I barely know doesn’t need to be privy to these things… I am confident and comfortable either way…
Wow. I was there recently. He told me that he wanted to know me deeply and with patience and thar he was emotionally available to a relationship with me. I been 1 month waiting him for a date, and during that month every time that I invited him to spend some time together, he rejected the proposal saying that he was very bussy. Yesterday I saw him with a girl, he saw me too, and just ignored me. I taught he was the one bc he made me feel safety and I showed him my vulnerability.
My ex wasn't spiritual but did trick me into thinking he was emotionally intelligent enough for a commitment. He was not. Wasted years of my life on that man. Never again!!!
@@FruityHachi He kept promising me he'd be ready for a commitment soon, but just needed a little more time. I really should have left him after the first convo about all this, but I wanted to believe him. So I stayed, and tried to "fix" myself so I'd be more worthy of his love and commitment. That's on me - a lesson I needed to learn for my own self, and a mistake I won't be making again!
I’m sorry, I can relate. I was in a situationship for a year with this super sweet and sensitive guy. Eventually he ended things because he said we were “too different” to solve our recurring problem (he wanting to fck around and me wanting a relationship). Spent all this time trying to prove myself worthy and waiting for him to be ready to commit and heal from his former relationship. Got my heart broken when he broke up; now I’m happy he was honest in the end and didn’t make me waste any more time.
First off - thank you. It’s helpful to hear how I’m not the only one that “fell for it.” Secondly, the person I was involved with was a romance addict (in my opinion, whatever it’s worth). I believe he didn’t get high off his own voice but he did get high off the romance. It wasn’t about me or us, but about how he was affected and felt in the moment. Many of the flags you mentioned still apply in my experience.
I was in a very similar situation. Vice called them softboi's. The guy I was in a situationship with was just like this, he talked like he had it all figured out but then just sent mixed signals and used me for sex without giving me what I needed. It messed me up for a good few months before I got over it but now I know better.
Sounds exactly like my situation. Saying all the eighth things, making promises - then actions do not reflect his words.. Hope to get over it in a month or two.
I love this! I always find it so funny with online dating when men have to share in their profiles how honest they are, they have integrity, etc. To me that should be a given and you shouldn’t have to try to convince me of that. Show it, be it.
My ex husband had narcissistic personality disorder. He read self help books, including Elkhart Tolle, and used them to preach to everyone else and not actually do any of the stuff in the books. He also went to therapy just to tell everyone he was going. It was all to look good! He didn’t do any of the self improvement.
I just can’t trust male friends anymore. They’ve all been sweet talkers, promising a loyal friendship and won’t let me down. Very manipulating. My problem is I’m too trusting and obviously naive
There is a group of guys called red pill they claim to love women but hate compliant about them not sleeping with them to them they don't see any female as a friend they just want to use pretty women for sex and to maybe wife if they cook clean take care of their kids. basically, a woman is an object or a slave. These creatures can't see females as friends by pretend to be friends to win over some sex or perhaps other physical material Servies they want for free like personal maid. small amount might pay for cheap things and see it as you now owe them, they think women are items you buy and throw away once new model comes along. Their form of love is nothing but lust. if your looks fade or they meet a girl they find more attractive you are thrown out like a garbage broken old toy
@@certified_proffesional Yeah maybe men shouldn't play games trying to win sex then get angry their friend sees them as a friend. A woman is honestly having a friendship don't get mad your hidden agenda didn't pan out
@@bunnyboo6295 As far as I know the red pills dont even date or have any relation with women. Then how come they will keep women as slaves ? They are literally celibates. LOL Self contradictory.
I often find these videos useful in non romantic relationships too. This one in particular, when you talked about believing in your own narrative while your actions say otherwise , made me think of a former friend. It was almost a regular occurrence when someone disageed with her she would go into a screaming fit, yelling about "I don't deserve this! I'm a good person and you need to be good to me!" Whenever someone disageed with her
I identified myself in this video when you mentioned the red flag of advice-giving! I cringed! But I know why I do it: I want to feel needed. So this was hugely helpful to me and I’m a woman! 😂
I honestly think it's not a red flag if the person has good intention and simply just want to help instead of flaunting! but at the receiving end, people can perceive it as a condescending act, or feel inferior about themselves... ultimately, in my core value, I think seeking truth and betterment comes first than the feeling of inferiority. Plus, we all need each other, we're human!
Omg I'm a relationship coach, and I TOTALLY give my support... AND advice when someone shares (on dates I mean) 😱😳🥺 Thanks for calling me out, Matthew! 💜🤗
Awe give yourself compassion. If you’re giving advice, you probably also recognized the fact that the date just ended. One day you’ll meet your match like another dating coach and you’ll be relieved to not feel inclined to fill that helper role.
I agree not to 'beat yourself up', for the natural instinct to be helpful. I do have to catch myself with people I have a long-standing relationship with, but I was taught by my spiritual counselor years ago to... Ask permission. Simply asking the person, 'are you just needing to talk this out/are you simply needing a sounding board, or would you like my advice/opinion/thoughts on this'? Changed everything when I started utilizing this. 🙂
I dated a guy just like that, totally a player but also came accross totally intelligent and eloquent and spirituality aware, also talking openly about his childhood wounds.He said that spirituality and personal growth changed his life and that he actually read Erchart Tolle and Osho.It was total BS, he was so immature and non commital, also used this to draw me in because I'm actually into spirituality and I'm a spiritual coach.He was seeing and talking to multiple women while he was seeing me behind my back.That is not evolved at all and it does show in people's behavior no matter how much spiritual lingo they use.Lesson learned for me and now I really take a guy talking about spirituality as just that words, if you are spiritual, it is really about growth and transformation and actually living it and embodying it.
I use to tell people about myself. It wasn’t because I wasn’t those things. It’s because I never felt understood. I’ve tried to live a good path and yes I make mistakes but I own them. Yet I have spent most of my life people thinking I’m not legit at the beginning because of their experiences. When I made that change, I realized I was impatiently trying to fast forward that part. 😅 Sometimes it’s just good people that are ignorant to how it seems in a world full of red flags. ❤
Yeah I grew up around people who would give advice if you share a problem and I never thought how some people could be doing this to get something out of you!!! I thought all decent people help ppl!
love the group chats. props to Matt too for not only allowing but encouraging his team to give advice equally valid to his own. he doesn't have such an ego that can't do that
This podcast is gold, I lived this last year with an ex who was grandiose spiritual and seemed to have it all, but at the same time I felt so confused around him. There was something off with his energy, it took me about 2 months to realize he was a covert narcissist pretending to be humble. I was always listening and he wanted to be heard like he was a God. I kept saying to myself "" if he's so special why is he always grandiose about everything" 😢 Thank God there's awareness on utube, we can learn from these videos. God bless your channel 🙏 ❤
Yes!!! Was dating someone who seemed so spiritual and into feelings, emotional. Sent flowers. Went through a divorce, was in a “getting over divorce group” because she cheated. All of a sudden he became totally different. Then I got a phone call from his “girlfriend.” She saw my number as one of the many on his phone. She kicked him out (yes, he didn’t have his kids, was staying with her) because he was dating girl number 3. And she met his kids. Unexpectedly. He called her “the cleaning lady.”🥵
HUMILITY is exactly the word that has been loudest in my mind while listening to this conversation, then y’all said it 🍃 absolutely! And the point about confusing knowledge for wisdom. 100%
When are people gonna learn… it ain’t what you know or the “power” they have; it’s how they use it. Not once is patterns of behavior mentioned as something to watch for in others; patterns never lie…
Yes - what she said about addictive personalities…they are addicted to the high of a new romance or chase..it’s just another high, same as the retreats, the classes, the drugs, etc..soon it will end and they will chase the next one. The one I dated even knew this…and because he could tell me what he was doing, I should understand no excuse it because he’s “working on it”
This!!! Liked, saved.... This is by far is one of the best video/podcasts/vlogs, whatever you want to call it, that you've done so far!! Thanks J.A.M.S💕💕 "Don't assume knowledge is character!"- best quote
I'm not a man but I'm that dazzling kind of person with a lot of great things to say. Last year, I got involved with a guy exactly like me and IT WAS MESSED UP........ We discussed the deepest of shit which was basically meaningless while having all the problems in our lives we didn't want to pay attention too. As Matthew said, lack of self awareness proves malicious.
If a friend confides in, he usually seeks advice ... empathy and having the best possible intentions towards friends or even strangers is not a teaching lesson, but an ordinary manifestation of good heart and willingness to help.
3:02 yes, yes, yes, all the above. As someone that graduated from the radical sport of navigating and getting addicted to the type, they are the best for the fun, if you are in in the joke. But, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE if you have real feelings for them.
My ex-husband's portrait exactly. Still works as "psychotherapist" and facilitates men's groups, where he encourages other men to leave their children from a marriage in order to "not show" their children how "they are treated by abusive wives". By leave I mean disappear from the child's life and avoid paying child support. Convenient spirituality:) Thanks for the term!
A guy told me he was ‘spiritual’ and he could feel how strong our connection was the night that we met. And then after sleeping with him a week or so later I didn’t hear from him
great conversation! I know people being 20 years on therapy but bad character remains, the only thing that differ is that they feel releifed and understood for all bad things they ve done
Human development is very interesting and why that bad character is there. Sometimes all people get from therapy is being heard and validated for their experience; at least they are not drowning in the past and have support.
@@VocalGymnast exactly, but the aim should be for all of us to be better persons and not to redo all mistakes including hurting and manipulating others. It's not that therapy is tottaly useless but most of it is that all of it looks like coffee converation with best friend.
I'm at the beginning of this conversation, and I'm already thinking covert narcissism. And how scary to think that now they are weaponizing self-help tools and psychological concepts. 🤦🏻♀️
😆😆😆 OMG! This was enlightening and entertaining. Men are selfish by nature. When a man loves a woman he will be eager to please and is naturally more "giving". I'm a little hungover as I text this. This is all of the mental energy I have to offer on this right now😆
Hahahaha you described my ex! He was a trained and practicing counsellor and actively worked out at 5am every day, yet he ran away from intimacy and even abstained from sex. He seemed like a gentle giant in his own space but behind behind closed doors he was cold and malicious at times! Hated meeting any of my needs :( got angry when I asked him for a blanket when I was cold. He eventually told me he was diagnosed as a psychopath, so there we go. You never really know your boyfriend or whether a trained therapist is actually a psychopath!…
So many times I felt myself being into a guy and all of a sudden, knowing and unknowingly, find myself being put in the position of a therapist. It's draining and unfair because I have no desire to preach to anyone or give advice because my life has its issues as well that I'm not trauma dumping onto others.
Yes! I met a man like this. So manipulative, using women. He had been hooking up with several women while seeing me. He would always talk to be like he had all the answers and tell me what I should do. Sadly I fell for his act.
At 9:00. I realized I do that. Recently did that with a girlfriend when we had coffee. I actually thought I was helping. It’s been a month and we still haven’t talked. I think this could be why I don’t have friends. Also, have been on the receiving end of this with 2 guys this past year. Will never do this again. Thank you Matthew! 😊
Oh my fucking gosh I am going through exactly same situation with this type of “ great guy” and feeling horrible, your video saved me thank you for saving my life
I went to Therapy with my now Ex, he was willing to go. He was willing to go because he was Narcissistic and wanted to prove he was that much smarter than the Therapist. He turned our relationship issues to be all me. I walked out of that session stunned, confused, devalued. Of course, at the time I didn't realize he was Narcissistic; I don't know if I would ever do therapy again.
I agree with the guy in a hat. What he said is so true! "just bc you diagnosed yourself, doesn't mean you're going to be a superior partner. It might not tell you the qualities about that person and THERE'S PEOPLE who have had therapy for 3 decades and not applied anything in their life." That's funny 🤣
Partnerships based on Traumabonding or Rebound are not working. create new experiences together... don't dig in the old ones... thanks Audrey ACTION IS IMPORTANT 😍 thanks Stephen KNOWLEDGE ISNT CHARAKTER 🤩
Just experienced this ;_; I only saw him like 5 times, but this did a doozy on me for a few days. I had just been working on my trust issues from the past. I feel like when you have gone through some very serious things, that have given you trust issues, it is a truly bad thing to mess with that person's trust. He also pried for deep and personal conversation, without even being emotionally invested. I had placed my deep trust in him, not even as some one to date seriously, but as another human who I expected to act honestly and respectfully. The fact is, certain people cannot be trusted at all. More than self-awareness, people need to have accountability.
Sometimes people talk a lot because they are still dealing with pain and trauma it does not necessarily mean that they don’t have character. That too shall pass. They are often themselves again and have space for others. That has been my experience.with others and with myself.
OMG!!! I have connected with a few of these, figured them out quickly, thankfully!! They are so selfish, and their true colors come out as soon as a you say you are not sleeping with them 😅😅😅😅😅 I think they truly believe themselves...
Yes. They talk AT you versus With you. Give you advice/scolding. They go hard functioning within The Karpman Drama Triangle. It's the "All About Me Show". They want Adulation, they do it for the applause, they do it for the bow. Ignore their words, go by what they are actually demonstrating! Stay safe and Evolving up y'all!
Love your discussion on this. I had a wonderful mom and a hard working dad, who was wonderful when around. Sports kept me from doing all the fun drugs, sure I tried them. I have to say I feel self indulgent if I go to therapy. I went to UIC not Oxford. I did go to couples therapy, and almost felt bad when the therapist took my side and mot my ex's. She is doing well now. She finally is away from guys and id working on herself. One of the most briliant people I have known, but always worked on others rather than herself.
2 роки тому+4
The video I was looking for! Spiritual people loves to talk about non attachment to not commit to you, spiritual shit that I can’t take no more…. ❤
Definitely dated that guy. Cut it off fast. "They're sensitive when it comes to their needs but not when it comes to yours" - absolutely right.
Omg yes
Boom! 💥 That’s what popped out to me too!!!
Same. I literally broke up with him a week ago because of this.
Sooo truuee ❤
Just broke up with him 3 days ago after almost 3 years.
"Don't assume knowledge is character" - yep, perfectly said.
OOOF that sums up my very short last "relationship"
That's The Main Point People Judge Them WRONG "AS A HIGH VALUED MAN A SPIRITUAL GURU/INTELLECTUAL MAN WHO'S JST A BARE MINIMUM MAN IN CHARACTER WISE & COULD BE BELOW LVL HUMAN THAN ANIMALS.. " 😊
I have a big amount of experience on this area and my red flags are:
1) He overshare on early stages or the opposite, just let you speak without sharing anything (in the first is trying to sell you an image, in the second is getting usefull information).
2) He talk a lot, but don't seem much interested in you (he is looking for a cheerleader, not a partner).
3) He pretends to fall for you too quick and make you feel like an exception in order to emotionally drag you too (if he falls quickly for you, he's just proyecting and probably does it often with anyone).
4) Invades your physicall space.
5) Try to convince you to go to his territory (his house, his room or his bed).
Real men takes their time, move gradually and give you proof in form of actions.
Omg scary! Ive dated someone like this!!!
Right on 💯
cried for 2 weeks with the same kind of guy. felt guilty that I didn't go to his house coz he had problems. then he says let's be friends and take our time. 😂
*proof in form of actions ❤
Had a group leader like this. Knew right off what he was up to based on the reaction of some of the other women in the group. One woman actually yelled at him (probably his last victim) when he tried to draw an answer out of me. The guy flirted relentlessly but it was all about getting me to pay attention to him. He never asked anything about me. Just wanted another notch on his bed post. He lead a group of vulnerable women & made it his dating pool. Glad I was smart & knew his game
Your feelings and intuition never lies. Be present and observe, more then 8 dates ideally.
Most people don’t go to therapy for the right reason. Instead of working on themselves and wanting to change, they try to excuse their shitty behavior & gaslight you for not being understanding.
Damn. Mic drop. So true.
This is so spot on! Acting like they're available, but actually dating several other women at once behind your back and never committing to just one. Even calling you their girlfriend and making you believe it's serious. It took me so long to fathom that some people are that calculated and selfish, but I have gone through too much grief to go on and now I have accepted it. I have so much more peace of mind now cause I don't want anyone like that in my life, no matter how special they can make me feel.
spiritual bypassing
Yes it just happened to me cried with me in the morning. And party with other girl at night. How fucked up is that 😮
This happens for both sides. I was dating a woman for two months before I found out that she was dating two other men. Makes one feel like a pair of shoes being compared and then selected. But after this happens once or twice you learn to look out for the obvious signs.
She was a clinical psychologist btw.
It can also be symptoms/signs of sexual addiction. Trust me, I know. There’s all this supply all over the place.
It happened to me 😢
Words, by text or talk, are easy. The only way to know if someone is who they say they are is the passage of time, by demonstrating through actions of their character, consistency and the courage to care. Give someone a certain amount of time to reveal themselves.
I went on a couple dates with a guy who was a recovered heroin addict. His recovery was impressive, and I'm not judging, but he had a TON of support. His story became a badge of honor (& nothing wrong with being proud of that) but he spent 0 time getting to know about my past traumas and it was apparent he automatically walked in to dates assuming he was THE Survivor and no one else had their own journey.
Omg! Matthew just said this very thing @14:15, amazeballs
Often after recovering from drugs and alcohol, the person beneath it , seems to be a narcist.
Amen! Some Don't want to Ask about other people's Past, out of Respect. Not a lot of people are Comfortable with Sharing their Business. Maybe that's why they didn't Ask? Not sure if this was the case in your Situation... Know, if you're Comfortable Sharing Past Trauma...if the other person Let's you, Please, Feel Free to Share & Don't wait to be Asked :) But, Yes... if the Convo's are 1-sided. Ditch them! ;P
Lolololol I worked in rehab and met this exact guy. Heroine cocaine addict, talked recovery talk, but only interested in himself. No one has had it "bad" as he did. Lololllol
I know quite a few addicts like this. They maybe have quit the drugs or alcohol but they are still addicted to their past traumas and attention seeking behaviors. They identify as “in recovery” but it stops at that. Really recovering from a challenge or trauma is no longer identifying with it and growing beyond the person you were when you used.
OMG! You all nailed it! "Massive lack of self-awareness," "Love the sound of their own voice," "Spoon-feed their own values." I can tag about 10 of my last dates.
9:00 This is EXACTLY what happened to me. He forced me to be vulnerable with him, then immediately started condescending to me telling me what I should've done. WOW.
You are right. SUPER Red Flag!
Totally agree with this. Tbh in today's dating world you can never tell who's showing their genuine feelings for you or hides through a mask. If you're not attentive enough to their red flags early on, they will keep you stringing along to their game until you get fully emotionally attached to them, which makes it harder to detached or walk away in the long run since you've already built a connection. They may even let you think about good memories that you have spent together, make you believe that they really cared and it's such a waste to throw it all away, when in reality it's all a blur. It's just a cycle and a waste of time.
Ladies, never settle for less than you deserve. Be willing to walk away.
Dating at all honestly is a huge waste of time and soul draining. Social media , in my opinion , killed it. I've been burned a lot and can't and will never trust any girl ever again , i'll avoid them completely forever. #tons of negativity but w/e Have a happy day 🙂
My time is too precious.
This is why women need to benefit from dating. In terms of experiences, gifts, and bills being paid. That way we won’t lose out.
@@FitnessSweets Sounds materialistic!
@@MsCatwoman111 They want access to our bodies, they need to provide resources in any form.
This happenned to me too. I was fresh out of a three year situashionship with a guy, and suddenly I meet him - warm, kind, understanding, and above all else, spiritual and able to understand me on the deepest level. To me at that point he was everything that my "ex" wasnt. When I was around him, I felt like I was bathing in warm sunshine, like this guy was my own haven of safety, only with him I could be myself. He was like a best friend and a boyfriend in the same body. Add to that - tall, handsome, with tonns of girls swooning over him. So we were seeing each other, he expressed lots of interest and admiration, I was starting to fall head over heels in love, and then he dissapeared. He only reappeared months later, telling me that he had just broken up with his girlfriend - apparently, whom he was dating while seeing me at the same time. And then he dissapeared again, leaving me confused and frustrated. It still blows my mind how someone that profound, spiritual and warm turned out to be a f*ckboy.
hoovering
Did you get clear on what he wanted from you from the beginning?? Sometimes I wonder if being more agressive in our questioning early on can make the difference. I met a guy online who said he was looking for a wife. On the date though he said he didnt know what he was looking for and was in transition. I left it at that. But I think perhaps we must pry deeper to get answers. Cause a man is looking for something in general..but what he wants with us specifically may be the same or different as what he wants in his life in general.
That is ridiculous. I've been in similar situations. Let's pray that we will grow in the wisdom necessary to notice the red flags earlier and cut them off when we do. We have to be stronger.
@@juliaskagfjord6207 "Sometimes I wonder if being more agressive in our questioning early on can make the difference." Absolutely. Asking the right questions on THE FIRST DATE can save us a lot of heartache down the road. Find out these four essential things: His attitude toward his mother, his attitude toward his exes, his goals in life, and his one regret.
A three-year situationship with a guy who was not warm, kind and understanding, and with the new guy "only with him I could be myself"... Sounds like what happened in the three years would have really chipped away your (or anyone's) self esteem. To be close with someone for so long who isn't kind or understanding really does some damage. I would imagine you couldn't be your true self with that guy because it would open you up to even worse damage. So you became timid, shy, fake or closed off to some extent. Then you meet a guy who is attractive and who knows the key to really having people eat out of the palm of one's hand is to make them feel seen and appreciated. It would be like water in the desert to someone who's been in your shoes. I'm sure the previous guy, if he wasn't kind or understanding, was not very self aware. But this new guy's trick is actually simple to do and his intentions don't have to be pure to make it seem sincere. He just has to be observant (about what you say/respond to), intelligent (to make accurate predictions) and motivated (to stick with a strategy). And to believe everything is a numbers game which justifies the constant "trading up" and playing the field. It's entitlement wrapped in a pretty "follow your heart/honor your feelings" bow. For someone like yourself who wasn't expecting a person to be that strategic (or probably in his mind "tactful") with emotions it would be quite the wakeup call. It definitely got the better of me with some people, too! I'm so sorry that happened to you. But really it's not profound at all. He just read How to Win Friends and Influence People or something like it. People's feelings are just another topic like anything else. They can be learned and used like chemistry to make either a bomb or toothpaste. I would actually recommend reading that book if it interests you, so that you could sense it when someone is pulling those strings.
They are the best manipulators- they use the language- they dance around the sensitive issues but never , never - really get committed to anything! They paint the best picture of how wonderful they are ….. in reality they are scoping out on what you can do for them or what they can get out of you!!!
Be aware
Agreed, someone shouldn’t feel the need to dazzle you when they first meet you. They should be comfortable being themselves in your presence. It shouldn’t be forced. Social media has destroyed this process for many.
I dont know whether it is social media or what but it seems there is no value for the charming quality of a calm , reflective , poise personality these days. Everything has to be instant and therefore a person has to show all his capability in one date or one meet.. if not then there is no chemistry or no attraction. or you are friendzoned whatever.. everyone is so paranoid.
@@Valkyri3Zwell said. Don't ever let yourself get put in the friend zone. You can tell if she's into you or not. What Rich Cooper calls, strong burning desire for you. If she doesn't have it, bounce. I agree everyone's paranoid LOL and you only get like speed dating no matter what
I think it’s also fair to recognize that some people are -nervous- and that can cause them to come off as showy on occasion. It doesn’t always have to mean they’re a self absorbed narc. Maybe they’re just learning how to date and want to make a good impression.
@@maddyG7414 I kind of quit looking for the why, just actions and patterns.
@@Valkyri3Z the gym was the same time he's a good 😊🤗 and the family is doing my nut and I am not able until tomorrow to see if you have any other reason than you think I can get the best way of asking if we have the opportunity of the week after that time to think
“They forget that other people exist” “they lack humility”. Broke up with him last week after 20 months. I was starting to feel invisible and turning against myself. This type of relationship will ruin you. Run away!!!
So funny - I said the exact, word-to-word exact sentence to my ex: he is very sensitive to his own needs but not when it comes to mine or others. He was sensitive, emotional but it took me years to realise they were HIS NEEDs and I was there as a provider for his needs while my own was never noticed, taken care of or reciprocated. I will tell all girls this: don’t be fooled into any mothering instinct by feeling protective of a sensitive man. There are guys using masculinity or materials to win over women, there are also men using tears or vulnerability to get girls. Focus only on how he treats you and how he takes care of your soul. Keep in check what you really ‘benefit’ from his efforts in the relationship and don’t be dragged into filling his emotional black hole. He used to place me in a seemingly very high position by saying he needs me or he doesn’t know how to live without me. This is a red flag if he otherwise puts very little to none effort in relationship to make you happy or meet your needs. He is triggering your mothering instincts by being the needy one so he sets the basic tone of your relationship that he always will be the needy ‘asker’ and you will always be the understanding ‘provider’.
Thank you for your informing. This was my ex.
And when you bring up your needs they get philosophical with it like, "But what makes you think others are supposed to give you that? Can you meet your own needs? Are you sure you even have needs?"
Triggering your mothering instincts! So right on!! I cannot fall for this!!
Well said.
Just broke up with him a week ago.. this exact guy
I had a situationship with such a guy (masculine, sporty, intellectual, artistic, sensitive, shy, traumatised by parents' divorce, mama's boy, sick mum) yet he wasn't all about his own voice. He was actually an introvert and a great listener who showed he cared. That's why it was so difficult and it took me so long to realise he was no good (on-and-off girlfriend, constantly on Tinder with real and fake profiles, etc). I am so glad I was able to resist even my strongest impulses until the end and did not have sex with him. I think he was self-aware, he just chose to hide behind excuses and technicalities, and not grow. I think he got off the "romantic connection" high. He certainly did not have, as you said, "character". He did not deserve me.
THIS. Yes.
Hey what state was he in and what year? Lol. Sounds exactly like my guy.
Fake profile? Gross
Gotta get woke boys lmao
But literally same
Omg… that sounds like the guy I was seeing who also turned out to be f*ckboy… yeah “introvert” code for “tend to MY NEEDS”
Aww, poor Eckhart 😆
Audrey has a great point with paying attention if the guy is giving a monologue or is genuinely engaging with you in conversation.
They can also be very observant and a good listener. Even a good supporter. But after they have made sure you feel seen and special, they freak out and start getting flaky with you. This especially happens when you are starting to want to define the relationship or make any future plans. They pull away and start focusing on other girls doing the exact same thing to them as they did to you. They are not only f*ck boys, they are serial heart breakers.
@@TearOfTheFallen This! This is what happened to me for the majority of the situationship!
I just want a real relationship… that’s it.
Is it possible ? Had my 7th dodgy man in 8 months.. well he tried to have me but failed and ghosted!
@@CJ-ft9yo …she used me to make her soon to be ex husband jealous.
She said she filed the paperwork but lied about it.
I’m crushed.
@@excelself That's lousy. 😟
@@excelself you're lucky...that's the smart way to look at it, and you're smart. Don't change, just be cautious.
@@CJ-ft9yo where do you meet them? I only meet like one a year these days.
Here’s a fun tinder story: matched with a guy who asked me out on the same day. I said ok what did you have in mind. He replies hours later that his grandpa had a heart attack and because he is like a father figure to him he had to immediately jump in the car and drive to see him like 100 miles away. Fast forward a few hours we were talking still and I mentioned I had just got my license and he was like ”it must feel so freeing to be able to drive. I don’t have a license”. I said ”hang on I thought you just drove to see your grandpa”. And guess what. He unmatched.
So either he was lying about the grandpa or the fact that he drove a car to see him or the license and he just forgot his own plot. Telling about dying grandpas and father issues in the first few messages does seem like a plot to make a girl feel sorry for the guy and thus making her easier to be controlled by him in the future. If my father figure of a grandpa was dying I wouldn’t be on tinder nor would I tell that kinda information on the first interaction. Anyway, I think I dodged a bullet.
I've met many men like that. Ive lost alot of trust for men. You definitely dodged a bullet
That is a funny tinder story 😂. Good he unmatched coz he's story doesn't match at all. Thank you next LoL 😂
he sounds dumb lol
Yes and ı have come to a point of losing all trust for men , İt is such a point that I even dont want to meet or talk to a man , I am emotionally so exhausted .
He must think women don't have ears!
Omg, this is my ex husband also. Into meditation, yoga, talked about HIS feelings a lot, but didn’t ask me about mine. Also was having various affairs during our marriage (I found out about them after). I’m still detoxing from the gaslighting
I have definitely felt called out in a good and constructive way.
I tend to share and be vulnerable with people that I feel a connection to. For me, I always saw it as a way to open the door to a more honest relationship, kindof setting the example, which I don't think is wrong...so long as I've taken the time to physically be with that person and gained a natural repore.
I even felt called out with the "If you have to say you're X, you're probably not X." I've done this, and felt super icky about it afterward. I am glad to know that my gut is trying to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Thank you for calling out my ego. You're wisdom and clarity in communication really helps!
I feel like sharing something more personal with someone you feel a connection with and opening up to them isn’t something bad tho?
It also allows the two of you to have deeper conversations because you’d be sharing someone more important rather than superficial stuff.
Of course you shouldn’t overshare but being super closed off doesn’t feel like a good option either 🤷🏻♀️
I don’t see how it could be seen as something bad
I guess it's just that it's do rare that it makes the whole thing feel special. Just sort of a "i want you to know what you're getting yourself into". But it still is early in the "relationship" (possibly too early to even call it one).
You'd think someone wouldn't spit their whole life story to you if they didn't trust you and feel for you, but no, sometimes it's just because they want to be practical.
And then the relationship ends after a month and the other person is like "But he was so open and vulnerable with me!...".
I don't think this is the issue.
The issue is with getting into sex too early. That's the thing that makes you feel used and gives you the negative feelings post "breakup".
I overshare too, rarely, only with people I feel I have a strong or rare connection too and I've noticed people come alive when we get into deeper talks rather than just "what's up". I hear them and they make sense and I thought about toning it down but I still don't think it's super bad.
@@OzmaOfOzz it’s tough job to just keep it surface ish while dating, and when over doing it, it can feel calculated and cunning. Just like small talks can be tough. So I guess we have to figure out the right “degree “ or “amount “.
@@joincoffee9383 I'm so bad at small talk, I zone out within 5 minutes 🥲
Okay i have a confession to make. I am recovering narcissic. I used to lecture and coach people constantly until a good friend told me the whole truth, much to my gratitude. I am glad because although i have always been self centered my Ego didnt prevent me for hearing the truth and understanding i needed to change.
It is such a crazy journey. But it is soooo worth it.
You aren't a narcissist then, by the sheer definition of a narcissist.... You can't be able to take criticism or judgement or feedback at all, or self reflect or be aware of your imperfections and willing to grow and do better... Literally everything you said is the exact opposite of the requirements one has to have to be a narcissist. I'd look up the dsm-5 requirements for a narc diagnosis. Being unaware doesn't make you a narc. Being selfish and self absorbed is treatable,.. narcissism isn't.
@@samanthanelson1333That's not true. Narcissists who start therapy can be self-aware. The actual problem is with changing. Many who are self-aware, despite that, do not change.
@@samanthanelson1333very knowledgeable but not true, narcs can change for the better through lots of therapy
@@samanthanelson1333💯
15:19 I would like to say few words about Matthew’s believe that it is a red flag when you open up to somebody and they start to give you a solution.
Lot’s of people simply doesn’t know how to support others and validate their feelings and experiences, rather than “stuffing them down” (I am personally appeared to be not as good at it as I thought).
So it doesn’t mean they are players or manipulative. They just trying to do their best sometimes, with really good intentions behind.
The type of guy they are referring to is a 'Player' - Oversharing too soon in a relationship is a major RED FLAG of poor boundaries.
Crazy how you guys dropped this video right in the wake of my most recent and most painful breakup. I couldn't bring myself to believe that such a person could exist and that such agreeable traits could coexist with such selfishness, even though a single friend of mine hit the nail on the head well before I did with the words 'emotional fuckboy', but I was in denial for a while. This video and the comments underneath it from all the people going through the same thing has really opened my eyes... he was almost word for word exactly what's been described here. It's scary that such people even exist and can hurt you even if you're careful and vigilant.
I’m learning the hard way that it’s never about what he says but his actions. A lot of guys are talkers and they know what to say.
Omgggg hahahah I just got out of a situation with this guy who fits exactly what was described by Matthew in the beginning. It’s dazzling to come across this kind of person who seem to be emotionally vulnerable, strong self awareness, yet downright manipulative when you are asking for a relationship, but yet getting all the relationship benefits. It was quite a toxic moment for me and it’s still mindfcked me a lot. I’m glad it’s short and it’s over now.
It can be difficult to process right?
You're describing my ex boyfriend!!!! These kind of men are the worst!! They know all your weaknesses and no matter how smart you are as a woman you can barely escape them.
Came to this video because I was feeling confused about a new man.
Wow, the clarity!!! Thank you for helping me understand why his behavior was making me so uncomfortable.
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, my biggest fear is being back in that situation. You helped me catch a few major red flags 🚩
I love these talks with Audrey, Steve and Jamison. They all bring different brilliant ideas into the conversation.
I was once in a situation with a guy who called himself *a holistic sex coach* and he tried to get me into bed using his 'wisdom' and saying how I should just follow my body's desire and let myself flow.
It felt that he was kind of manipulating me..
And boy did he get offended when he received a big NO from me.
I guess, learning never stops!
I share some juicy stories on my channel 😉
Happend to a friend
Got promises of tantric bliss... It ended after a minute or so 🤣🤣🤣💁🏼♀️
@@katarinadmitrieva1114 oh yes yes yes.. The tantric bliss 😁😁😁
@@katarinadmitrieva1114 It would be a total turn of to me. Would make me think that’s creepy even if I was joining a group therapy, workshop of a training …
Yeah weird reactions are definitely a red flag.
My ex partner had a female one - felt bad for him
I think it's more subtle than what you are saying. It's more covert. It's about looks, how close he sits to you. everything is sexualised, but only between you and him. So no one else sees. Everyone thinks he's a great guy. But you know he's doing the same with everyone of the opposite sex that will potentially feed his ego. You can't call him out as you'll be labelled as a bitter b****, and jealous...
"Spiritual fuck boys" omg, I love this description! So true!
OMG I LITERALLY just got out of this type of situation and I was trying to piece together how I could have been so fooled and then this video 🙌🏽 Matthew explains it all 💅
Same here, I was amazed myself how did that happen to me. Thank you Matthew 😅
When we are in a relationship or we have children our energies are mostly focused on those people and our job and we don’t have much extra time for other people. So if you are single then that opens you up to be a gift to a lot more people. When single it’s an opportunity to be able to invest in yourself and To be more available and present to other people in your life that you care about. It’s a time to be cherished. I wouldn’t waste it on feeling anxious Or worried that you’re not going to find love.
“There’s just no shortcuts in relationships” Great Sentence 🙏🏼
Recently experienced this. Thought he was the most profoundly self aware person I had met. Safe to say how it ended left me baffled.
It is rare these days to meet people who don’t talk At you the moment they meet you. The level of self promotion is preoccupying. Thank you for this video. I agree with all points made, and above all - to cultivating humility 😊
I really appreciate the criticism because I feel like I jump to giving others unsolicited advice when maybe I don’t have enough experience to back it up and they don’t ask for it lol. I just feel I really needed to hear this
Omg I started dating again after a few years and this type of guy was a total shock to be on a coffee date with. It was our first date and already he was arguing that sex was a deeply profound, spiritual experience to him and we should do it as soon as possible. He didn’t like being thought of or spoken to like he was a fuck boy he got soooo sensitive about it lmao he said he’d do whatever it took to get my trust (so we could start sleeping together) I declined, set up a few boundaries and he suddenly had no interest in continuing to try. He was in therapy and we had many spiritual talks etc. He even said women mainly stopped seeing him because he “Made them feel confused…” I wonder why😂
Lmaoooo 😂 I remember my ex said things like “sex with the one you love is the best feeling ever” when we had just started talking and I was like “why do you feel so close to me already to start saying things about sex”
He told me he’s not like the other guys, that he doesn’t like sex like other men, that he’s different from them and other bs and got soooo mad when I told him that I felt that he only wanted to have sex and used me
I mean of course, who would say “yes you’re right”
And after he moved to Thailand and we broke up he showed everyone who the f he truly is. The “ons suck” guy didn’t exist anymore 🤡
Did you have to establish those boundaries because your hymen was already penetrated?
gaslight
@@JeffCaplan313 you’re disgusting
This sounds accurate to what this lady described.
The moment you start to over identify with things you do like yoga, retreats, therapy etc. you lose yourself in those things. Everyone and everything has to comply with this way of living. That’s not healthy 🤷🏾♀️ thank you for this episode! What a nice mixture of opinions 😊♥️
It’s another form of religion
And they are usually narcissistic- often covert! Great great subject Matt and team
7:30 when a person overshares on a first or second date you think the person is a crybaby or a hidden narcissist and you stay away.
So so right. Either they want to use your empathy to get into your pants or they are really narcissistic person who is there to use you for 2 3 weeks.
First of all I’m glad Jameson is not camera shy anymore as usual great content congrats to both Mathew and his team ❤️.
Women love to feel like the exception honestly… I’ve seen it with friends so many times and confident women can fall into this just as easily as insecure women who doubt themselves… If you know you are great, you expect someone else to think you are and it isn’t shocking to have them try to wow you… If you are insecure in yourself, you can be easily flattered into feeling like you are the exception that this man has finally connected with. Like said in this video I always remind myself that somebody who is opening up immediately just does that often… It has nothing to do with ME being great. My lack of dropping my entire life on somebody I just met has nothing to do with anything but the fact that someone I barely know doesn’t need to be privy to these things… I am confident and comfortable either way…
Wow. I was there recently. He told me that he wanted to know me deeply and with patience and thar he was emotionally available to a relationship with me.
I been 1 month waiting him for a date, and during that month every time that I invited him to spend some time together, he rejected the proposal saying that he was very bussy. Yesterday I saw him with a girl, he saw me too, and just ignored me.
I taught he was the one bc he made me feel safety and I showed him my vulnerability.
My ex wasn't spiritual but did trick me into thinking he was emotionally intelligent enough for a commitment. He was not. Wasted years of my life on that man. Never again!!!
how do you need years to find out someone is emotionally intelligent?
it boggles my mind that someone needs that long to figure that out
@@FruityHachi He kept promising me he'd be ready for a commitment soon, but just needed a little more time.
I really should have left him after the first convo about all this, but I wanted to believe him. So I stayed, and tried to "fix" myself so I'd be more worthy of his love and commitment. That's on me - a lesson I needed to learn for my own self, and a mistake I won't be making again!
I’m sorry, I can relate. I was in a situationship for a year with this super sweet and sensitive guy. Eventually he ended things because he said we were “too different” to solve our recurring problem (he wanting to fck around and me wanting a relationship). Spent all this time trying to prove myself worthy and waiting for him to be ready to commit and heal from his former relationship. Got my heart broken when he broke up; now I’m happy he was honest in the end and didn’t make me waste any more time.
First off - thank you. It’s helpful to hear how I’m not the only one that “fell for it.” Secondly, the person I was involved with was a romance addict (in my opinion, whatever it’s worth). I believe he didn’t get high off his own voice but he did get high off the romance. It wasn’t about me or us, but about how he was affected and felt in the moment. Many of the flags you mentioned still apply in my experience.
I think it was also the romantic connection high for the f*** guy I was in a situationship with.
Damn, reading this just hurts because I’m going through it now!
@@DeAnnaChoi ouch, yeah it hurts. So much love your way.
The title of the video ...🔥😂
I was in a very similar situation. Vice called them softboi's.
The guy I was in a situationship with was just like this, he talked like he had it all figured out but then just sent mixed signals and used me for sex without giving me what I needed.
It messed me up for a good few months before I got over it but now I know better.
going through the same situation now.
@@lexcorp213 omg same here! Currently processing how this “unicorn” of a man turned out to a fk boy
Sounds exactly like my situation. Saying all the eighth things, making promises - then actions do not reflect his words.. Hope to get over it in a month or two.
I love this! I always find it so funny with online dating when men have to share in their profiles how honest they are, they have integrity, etc. To me that should be a given and you shouldn’t have to try to convince me of that. Show it, be it.
My ex husband had narcissistic personality disorder. He read self help books, including Elkhart Tolle, and used them to preach to everyone else and not actually do any of the stuff in the books. He also went to therapy just to tell everyone he was going. It was all to look good! He didn’t do any of the self improvement.
I just can’t trust male friends anymore. They’ve all been sweet talkers, promising a loyal friendship and won’t let me down. Very manipulating. My problem is I’m too trusting and obviously naive
You are explaining my experience but just with opposite gender. haha but i feel for you.
It is very difficult for me and women to be friends. One side is usually just biding their time until they get wtvr they want.
There is a group of guys called red pill they claim to love women but hate compliant about them not sleeping with them to them they don't see any female as a friend they just want to use pretty women for sex and to maybe wife if they cook clean take care of their kids. basically, a woman is an object or a slave. These creatures can't see females as friends by pretend to be friends to win over some sex or perhaps other physical material Servies they want for free like personal maid. small amount might pay for cheap things and see it as you now owe them, they think women are items you buy and throw away once new model comes along. Their form of love is nothing but lust. if your looks fade or they meet a girl they find more attractive you are thrown out like a garbage broken old toy
@@certified_proffesional Yeah maybe men shouldn't play games trying to win sex then get angry their friend sees them as a friend. A woman is honestly having a friendship don't get mad your hidden agenda didn't pan out
@@bunnyboo6295 As far as I know the red pills dont even date or have any relation with women. Then how come they will keep women as slaves ? They are literally celibates. LOL Self contradictory.
I often find these videos useful in non romantic relationships too.
This one in particular, when you talked about believing in your own narrative while your actions say otherwise , made me think of a former friend.
It was almost a regular occurrence when someone disageed with her she would go into a screaming fit, yelling about "I don't deserve this! I'm a good person and you need to be good to me!"
Whenever someone disageed with her
I identified myself in this video when you mentioned the red flag of advice-giving! I cringed! But I know why I do it: I want to feel needed.
So this was hugely helpful to me and I’m a woman! 😂
I honestly think it's not a red flag if the person has good intention and simply just want to help instead of flaunting!
but at the receiving end, people can perceive it as a condescending act, or feel inferior about themselves...
ultimately, in my core value, I think seeking truth and betterment comes first than the feeling of inferiority.
Plus, we all need each other, we're human!
That's called co-dependency. These behaviours have caught the best of us.
Or Unsolicited advice giving can arise from sudden panic for the speaker's well-being. It's still, as Matthew says, "the opposite of connection"
Omg I'm a relationship coach, and I TOTALLY give my support... AND advice when someone shares (on dates I mean) 😱😳🥺 Thanks for calling me out, Matthew! 💜🤗
Awe give yourself compassion. If you’re giving advice, you probably also recognized the fact that the date just ended. One day you’ll meet your match like another dating coach and you’ll be relieved to not feel inclined to fill that helper role.
I agree not to 'beat yourself up', for the natural instinct to be helpful. I do have to catch myself with people I have a long-standing relationship with, but I was taught by my spiritual counselor years ago to... Ask permission. Simply asking the person, 'are you just needing to talk this out/are you simply needing a sounding board, or would you like my advice/opinion/thoughts on this'? Changed everything when I started utilizing this. 🙂
I've started asking if it's okay for me to suggest something.
I have the same issue. I felt personally attcked by this episode 😂 (im not being serious)
I dated a guy just like that, totally a player but also came accross totally intelligent and eloquent and spirituality aware, also talking openly about his childhood wounds.He said that spirituality and personal growth changed his life and that he actually read Erchart Tolle and Osho.It was total BS, he was so immature and non commital, also used this to draw me in because I'm actually into spirituality and I'm a spiritual coach.He was seeing and talking to multiple women while he was seeing me behind my back.That is not evolved at all and it does show in people's behavior no matter how much spiritual lingo they use.Lesson learned for me and now I really take a guy talking about spirituality as just that words, if you are spiritual, it is really about growth and transformation and actually living it and embodying it.
I use to tell people about myself. It wasn’t because I wasn’t those things. It’s because I never felt understood. I’ve tried to live a good path and yes I make mistakes but I own them. Yet I have spent most of my life people thinking I’m not legit at the beginning because of their experiences. When I made that change, I realized I was impatiently trying to fast forward that part. 😅
Sometimes it’s just good people that are ignorant to how it seems in a world full of red flags. ❤
I'm also very open woth people..I don't think it's wrong..but people like us have to becareful though
You sound like one of them sorry 😄
Yeah I grew up around people who would give advice if you share a problem and I never thought how some people could be doing this to get something out of you!!! I thought all decent people help ppl!
love the group chats. props to Matt too for not only allowing but encouraging his team to give advice equally valid to his own. he doesn't have such an ego that can't do that
Therapy is like the dentist. It’s brushing your teeth that keeps the smile bright.
This podcast is gold, I lived this last year with an ex who was grandiose spiritual and seemed to have it all, but at the same time I felt so confused around him. There was something off with his energy, it took me about 2 months to realize he was a covert narcissist pretending to be humble. I was always listening and he wanted to be heard like he was a God. I kept saying to myself "" if he's so special why is he always grandiose about everything" 😢 Thank God there's awareness on utube, we can learn from these videos.
God bless your channel 🙏 ❤
Yes!!! Was dating someone who seemed so spiritual and into feelings, emotional. Sent flowers. Went through a divorce, was in a “getting over divorce group” because she cheated.
All of a sudden he became totally different.
Then I got a phone call from his “girlfriend.” She saw my number as one of the many on his phone. She kicked him out (yes, he didn’t have his kids, was staying with her) because he was dating girl number 3.
And she met his kids. Unexpectedly.
He called her “the cleaning lady.”🥵
HUMILITY is exactly the word that has been loudest in my mind while listening to this conversation, then y’all said it 🍃 absolutely! And the point about confusing knowledge for wisdom. 100%
Some red flags (like giving advice when someone is being vulnerable) is just lack of social skills, not always because you are toxic
Eckart's work is producing f-boys made me snort-laugh. 🤣
Gigglesnort 😂
When are people gonna learn… it ain’t what you know or the “power” they have; it’s how they use it. Not once is patterns of behavior mentioned as something to watch for in others; patterns never lie…
Yes - what she said about addictive personalities…they are addicted to the high of a new romance or chase..it’s just another high, same as the retreats, the classes, the drugs, etc..soon it will end and they will chase the next one. The one I dated even knew this…and because he could tell me what he was doing, I should understand no excuse it because he’s “working on it”
This!!! Liked, saved.... This is by far is one of the best video/podcasts/vlogs, whatever you want to call it, that you've done so far!! Thanks J.A.M.S💕💕 "Don't assume knowledge is character!"- best quote
I'm not a man but I'm that dazzling kind of person with a lot of great things to say. Last year, I got involved with a guy exactly like me and IT WAS MESSED UP........ We discussed the deepest of shit which was basically meaningless while having all the problems in our lives we didn't want to pay attention too. As Matthew said, lack of self awareness proves malicious.
If a friend confides in, he usually seeks advice ... empathy and having the best possible intentions towards friends or even strangers is not a teaching lesson, but an ordinary manifestation of good heart and willingness to help.
I agree with Matthew’s brother, Steven, 100% - spending money in therapy could be a narcissistic exercise
I mean but in that same token, then everything can be a narc exercise.., i like what they suggested of pairing actions with words
3:02 yes, yes, yes, all the above. As someone that graduated from the radical sport of navigating and getting addicted to the type, they are the best for the fun, if you are in in the joke. But, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE if you have real feelings for them.
My ex-husband's portrait exactly. Still works as "psychotherapist" and facilitates men's groups, where he encourages other men to leave their children from a marriage in order to "not show" their children how "they are treated by abusive wives". By leave I mean disappear from the child's life and avoid paying child support. Convenient spirituality:) Thanks for the term!
can be sued for alienation of affection
😮 A wolf in sheep's clothing.
Ah that type ot spirituality that involves fleeing from all responsibilities lol love it
Wow that's gross...he's an intellectual misogynist.
A guy told me he was ‘spiritual’ and he could feel how strong our connection was the night that we met. And then after sleeping with him a week or so later I didn’t hear from him
great conversation!
I know people being 20 years on therapy but bad character remains, the only thing that differ is that they feel releifed and understood for all bad things they ve done
Human development is very interesting and why that bad character is there. Sometimes all people get from therapy is being heard and validated for their experience; at least they are not drowning in the past and have support.
@@VocalGymnast exactly, but the aim should be for all of us to be better persons and not to redo all mistakes including hurting and manipulating others. It's not that therapy is tottaly useless but most of it is that all of it looks like coffee converation with best friend.
I'm at the beginning of this conversation, and I'm already thinking covert narcissism. And how scary to think that now they are weaponizing self-help tools and psychological concepts. 🤦🏻♀️
😆😆😆 OMG! This was enlightening and entertaining. Men are selfish by nature. When a man loves a woman he will be eager to please and is naturally more "giving". I'm a little hungover as I text this. This is all of the mental energy I have to offer on this right now😆
Hahahaha you described my ex! He was a trained and practicing counsellor and actively worked out at 5am every day, yet he ran away from intimacy and even abstained from sex. He seemed like a gentle giant in his own space but behind behind closed doors he was cold and malicious at times! Hated meeting any of my needs :( got angry when I asked him for a blanket when I was cold. He eventually told me he was diagnosed as a psychopath, so there we go. You never really know your boyfriend or whether a trained therapist is actually a psychopath!…
Damn, yeah I bet there is lots more of those undiagnosed out there too...
So many times I felt myself being into a guy and all of a sudden, knowing and unknowingly, find myself being put in the position of a therapist. It's draining and unfair because I have no desire to preach to anyone or give advice because my life has its issues as well that I'm not trauma dumping onto others.
Yes! I met a man like this. So manipulative, using women. He had been hooking up with several women while seeing me. He would always talk to be like he had all the answers and tell me what I should do. Sadly I fell for his act.
"The power of now" killed me... :-D
Audrey knows where it's at! Her insight about character was spot on ❤❤
At 9:00. I realized I do that. Recently did that with a girlfriend when we had coffee. I actually thought I was helping. It’s been a month and we still haven’t talked. I think this could be why I don’t have friends. Also, have been on the receiving end of this with 2 guys this past year. Will never do this again. Thank you Matthew! 😊
Oh my fucking gosh I am going through exactly same situation with this type of “ great guy” and feeling horrible, your video saved me thank you for saving my life
I went to Therapy with my now Ex, he was willing to go.
He was willing to go because he was Narcissistic and wanted to prove he was that much smarter than the Therapist. He turned our relationship issues to be all me. I walked out of that session stunned, confused, devalued. Of course, at the time I didn't realize he was Narcissistic; I don't know if I would ever do therapy again.
Exactly the same situation with me and my ex husband!
I agree with the guy in a hat. What he said is so true! "just bc you diagnosed yourself, doesn't mean you're going to be a superior partner. It might not tell you the qualities about that person and THERE'S PEOPLE who have had therapy for 3 decades and not applied anything in their life." That's funny 🤣
Partnerships based on Traumabonding or Rebound are not working. create new experiences together... don't dig in the old ones... thanks Audrey ACTION IS IMPORTANT 😍
thanks Stephen KNOWLEDGE ISNT CHARAKTER 🤩
Oh my god! Everything makes so much more sense! Self-awareness gets used in such a manipulative way by these people, you don't even realise sometimes.
I like having the female perspective on your show with your fiancee. She seems so lovely and adorable. ❤
Don't assume Knowledge is character... Another great video, thank you.
Just experienced this ;_; I only saw him like 5 times, but this did a doozy on me for a few days. I had just been working on my trust issues from the past. I feel like when you have gone through some very serious things, that have given you trust issues, it is a truly bad thing to mess with that person's trust. He also pried for deep and personal conversation, without even being emotionally invested. I had placed my deep trust in him, not even as some one to date seriously, but as another human who I expected to act honestly and respectfully. The fact is, certain people cannot be trusted at all. More than self-awareness, people need to have accountability.
Sometimes people talk a lot because they are still dealing with pain and trauma it does not necessarily mean that they don’t have character. That too shall pass. They are often themselves again and have space for others. That has been my experience.with others and with myself.
OMG!!! I have connected with a few of these, figured them out quickly, thankfully!! They are so selfish, and their true colors come out as soon as a you say you are not sleeping with them 😅😅😅😅😅 I think they truly believe themselves...
Yes. They talk AT you versus With you. Give you advice/scolding. They go hard functioning within The Karpman Drama Triangle. It's the "All About Me Show". They want Adulation, they do it for the applause, they do it for the bow.
Ignore their words, go by what they are actually demonstrating! Stay safe and Evolving up y'all!
going to therapy shows openness ,effort, and yes humility I believe as well
This has opened my eyes to a current situation thank you for posting
Crikey, I learnt sooooo much from this on a much deeper level than finding a partner. This is awesome life advice.
Love your discussion on this. I had a wonderful mom and a hard working dad, who was wonderful when around. Sports kept me from doing all the fun drugs, sure I tried them. I have to say I feel self indulgent if I go to therapy. I went to UIC not Oxford. I did go to couples therapy, and almost felt bad when the therapist took my side and mot my ex's. She is doing well now. She finally is away from guys and id working on herself. One of the most briliant people I have known, but always worked on others rather than herself.
The video I was looking for! Spiritual people loves to talk about non attachment to not commit to you, spiritual shit that I can’t take no more…. ❤