So many great points. My biggest takeaway and what I've learned the most from PDS is to never abandon yourself and your non-negotiables to try and make a relationship work. Staying for "potential" or hopes they will change into your ideal partner is probably not the greatest idea... especially if you're looking for long-term, children and marriage. Hanging around just flowing is fine if you don't have particular needs or relationship goals, but don't sacrifice what you want or wait around for anybody if you are ridden with anxiety because you aren't standing by your convictions.
The basic issue with modern dating is this: it's all about staying safe and mysterious because there's no trust there. And why would there be? You're complete strangers. By shifting human relationships into a space that is inherently dangerous or at least unsafe, you artificially trigger people's narcissistic traits and fear responses. By extension, this causes people (especially women) to confuse their preferences with their deal-breakers, and at my age (36), I'm beyond the point of self-discovery and am looking for a compatible relationship that is likely to lead to marriage. And no one seems to want that anymore.
That's the same as it's always been. So you meet someone online, at the bar, in supermarket, and party, through friends, or what ever. You are still strangers till you date for for while. What I see as the issue online is people don't want to meet. So you don't even get to date let alone the dating phase. Most people on dating sites aren't looking to meet. They looking for you send the Itunes cards.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I find though, that it was more organic the old way, and that's my point. It used to be that you came recommended by someone, so even though you were strangers, there was at least a mutual understanding that someone you know knows the person they're setting you up with and there isn't as much fear going into it. Obviously, it wasn't a sure way to lead to a meaningful relationship, but that familiarity coupled with the constant reminder that people are living, sentient beings, gave it more of a chance of success. Now that it's online, no one knows each other in any real way. And I wonder if this fear is what drives people to not want to meet. But that's the whole point of the app. If you're not there to meet people, what the hell are you even doing on there? I gave up on it because honestly, videos like this shouldn't even be being made. When stuff gets produced teaching you how to "thrive" in a hostile environment (which you fundamentally can't and never can), that's how you know it's beyond redemption.
My dating coach actually had me do something similar to this. He had me write down 10 good and 10 bad qualities and then had me bring everything down to five of each (Green flags and red flags). What's interesting is that over the years things slowly changed. Many of the things I thought I could handle have become non-negotiable (i.e. smokers), and most textbook is the woman who doesn't have any hobbies or interests.
Could you clarify point 5? You said don't invest in somebody who has non negotiables but you also said when looking for somebody to consider your non negotiables. I get some non negotiables are an issue, but there are also non negotiables like not wanting to be with somebody who isn't interested in personal growth or somebody or somebody who displays a certain personality trait that was in your last relationship that I think would be ok.
I think she means if someone displays one of your “deal breaking” characteristics, then don’t continue to spend time with them with the idea they will change or you will change them or through the course of being with them it will magically disappear. Sooner or later it will resurface and have to be addressed. At that point , you could probably get the “you knew this when we first started dating” response. Then potentially you’re upset at them, the relationship ending, the time lost, but more importantly yourself. That then leads to regret and possibly not trusting yourself to make good decisions in the future. Ultimately could creat a chain reaction leading into your next relationship that gets put off onto that person your dating. I think. Just my observation.
@@dl5054 Thank you. Gotcha! I read it as, “Don’t be with someone who has their own non~ negotiables”, as opposed to, “Don’t be with someone who has YOUR non~negotiables.” I get it now. Thank you.
So many great points. My biggest takeaway and what I've learned the most from PDS is to never abandon yourself and your non-negotiables to try and make a relationship work. Staying for "potential" or hopes they will change into your ideal partner is probably not the greatest idea... especially if you're looking for long-term, children and marriage. Hanging around just flowing is fine if you don't have particular needs or relationship goals, but don't sacrifice what you want or wait around for anybody if you are ridden with anxiety because you aren't standing by your convictions.
The basic issue with modern dating is this: it's all about staying safe and mysterious because there's no trust there. And why would there be? You're complete strangers. By shifting human relationships into a space that is inherently dangerous or at least unsafe, you artificially trigger people's narcissistic traits and fear responses. By extension, this causes people (especially women) to confuse their preferences with their deal-breakers, and at my age (36), I'm beyond the point of self-discovery and am looking for a compatible relationship that is likely to lead to marriage. And no one seems to want that anymore.
That's the same as it's always been. So you meet someone online, at the bar, in supermarket, and party, through friends, or what ever. You are still strangers till you date for for while. What I see as the issue online is people don't want to meet. So you don't even get to date let alone the dating phase. Most people on dating sites aren't looking to meet. They looking for you send the Itunes cards.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I find though, that it was more organic the old way, and that's my point. It used to be that you came recommended by someone, so even though you were strangers, there was at least a mutual understanding that someone you know knows the person they're setting you up with and there isn't as much fear going into it. Obviously, it wasn't a sure way to lead to a meaningful relationship, but that familiarity coupled with the constant reminder that people are living, sentient beings, gave it more of a chance of success.
Now that it's online, no one knows each other in any real way. And I wonder if this fear is what drives people to not want to meet. But that's the whole point of the app. If you're not there to meet people, what the hell are you even doing on there? I gave up on it because honestly, videos like this shouldn't even be being made. When stuff gets produced teaching you how to "thrive" in a hostile environment (which you fundamentally can't and never can), that's how you know it's beyond redemption.
No one wants commitment anymore, including me.
😂im 57, honestly quality, and quantity are two very different species 😂Do not settle or become a foster parent for stray broke dusty stray cats.
@@chrismaxwell1624 I don't know where my reply went.
My dating coach actually had me do something similar to this. He had me write down 10 good and 10 bad qualities and then had me bring everything down to five of each (Green flags and red flags). What's interesting is that over the years things slowly changed. Many of the things I thought I could handle have become non-negotiable (i.e. smokers), and most textbook is the woman who doesn't have any hobbies or interests.
Online dating is such a drag but this is full of great guidelines! Thanks!
Thais, you're going to make an amazing mom!❤❤❤
I love Rumi!❤❤❤
Followed your channel and watched it grow.. i respect that effort
Could you clarify point 5? You said don't invest in somebody who has non negotiables but you also said when looking for somebody to consider your non negotiables. I get some non negotiables are an issue, but there are also non negotiables like not wanting to be with somebody who isn't interested in personal growth or somebody or somebody who displays a certain personality trait that was in your last relationship that I think would be ok.
That confused me too. What a few of us have decided is that she means don't invest in someone who has YOUR non-negotiables.
So, who is interested in "dating" these days ? Just get a dog & be happy. Woof !
Wait.
#5~ Do not invest in somebody who HAS non~ negotiables??
I think she means if someone displays one of your “deal breaking” characteristics, then don’t continue to spend time with them with the idea they will change or you will change them or through the course of being with them it will magically disappear. Sooner or later it will resurface and have to be addressed. At that point , you could probably get the “you knew this when we first started dating” response. Then potentially you’re upset at them, the relationship ending, the time lost, but more importantly yourself. That then leads to regret and possibly not trusting yourself to make good decisions in the future. Ultimately could creat a chain reaction leading into your next relationship that gets put off onto that person your dating. I think. Just my observation.
@@dl5054 Thank you. Gotcha!
I read it as, “Don’t be with someone who has their own non~ negotiables”, as opposed to, “Don’t be with someone who has YOUR non~negotiables.”
I get it now. Thank you.
@@marybruce76 It's okay, it confused me too.
The idea of traditional dating in general as an asexual + demiromantic makes me leery. Modern dating? FUCK that no thank you.