Thank you!! I stopped watching as soon as she said that. Saying it's love in disguise only makes you feel more guilty for being frustrated about the guilt tripping!
Victim? Lol. Do you have kids? No one is worried about their children abandoning them they just want to spend time with them but don't know how to communicate that properly. How do you not get that? 😂
@@wavy6470 she do recognize that they do it at that reason and she understands and she definitely doesn’t feel like a poor victim like ppl playing a victim which doesn’t help.Recognizing is.
Over the years I came to the realization that other people's expectations are not my responsibility. It gets tough at times, especially with the people I love, but at the end of the day it's worth it. It still upsets me sometimes, but not doing things against myself is more important than pleasing others, even family.
@@blank1505 I think it requires a degree of selfishness. Being selfish, contrary to popular belief, typically improves the lives of others simultaneously. They will see your results in real time, you start to set precedents. This goes for family, friends, peers, all of it. But do know and understand this, everyone, and I mean everyone will gossip or talk about you eventually. The important thing to remember is to stay true to your character and hold firm to your own pursuit of happiness. Most leaders end up being target for the blame, that is how it always works. Comes with the territory. Just ask yourself this: Would you rather be the one in the crowd, talking and joking about the person on stage, or would you rather be the one on the stage, with the mic, and the power to face the spotlight? Either way, the one on the stage is ultimately the one thats worth anything at all, and the one that doesnt die with regret and realization that they just completely locked away their own potential in fear of judgement from others.
Finally! Real adult wisdom on this topic. Cutting people off is the easy answer that fixes nothing. I want to actually fix this stuff with the people that are important to me. I appreciate you.
Oh I feel you to some degree. I got this kind of neighbour, which is not as critical as a narcicistic parent. It must be very hard at times for you I guess...
Mel. This vid was the “a-ha” moment I needed. My family was masters at this and it resulted in not so cool life changing results. I have been trying to figure out for 11 years why people guilt and why people never speak up. I witnessed my mom go to an early grave never speaking up and I vowed to be the generational curse breaker. I knew what I was doing was the right thing by standing up and speaking out. Lord did it eat at me like a virus. Well I finally got the peace I was seeking. Woman if I ever see you on the street I am giving you the biggest grateful and most loving doubled arm squeeze hug you can imagine. Thank you and love you , your crew and all you do!!!💋❤️😍
Same situation am going through dear how have you managed to deal with it especially apologising to your mum and she says it's your life, do whatever you want, l give up😭
@@khakimay1505 normally mom/women said opposite things, when they said those things they are hurt inside too ! dont give up so easily just like when she dont give up teaching and helping you when you are younger ~ keep doing something with love and good :)
Thank you so much I totally needed this as the holidays approach . I get guilted and bribed into going to events with toxic abusers literally people who physically abused me ! My gift to myself at age 44 this season is the gift of saying no and if I can do without guilty and consequences even better !
What the?! Guilt is disguised as love?!?!? Are you kidding me?! That is soooo wrong. It's called, emotional abuse. A healthy relationship has boundaries, boundaries that are respected. Guilt is no way used in a healthy relationship.
Yep, I have abusive parents and that sounded like something they would do. Addressing it, or doing anything really, only makes it worse and they start being worse towards me. It's a trap that's difficult to get out of
Guilt CAN be disguised as love, some people just have trouble expressing their emotions. But what is definitely true is that guilt will only affect you if you let it do so.
Parents use guilt usually because they have an invest in you as a child and expect something in return. That's why it's so mandatory to become independent as soon as possible to net let your parents lead your life.
Sorry, Mel, but guilt tripping is not an expression love. Instead, it's an expression of enmeshment and control. It's very dangerous to romantize those behaviors, real love makes you feel good about yourself and free to do what's best for you. Where there's demands and drama like that, love went out of the window.
Thank you! Guilt tripping is a manipulative technique to control you, that’s it. No love in guilt tripping. Definitely address it and set firm boundaries. If they refuse to change, then you know what boundaries you need to set. I’m sick of abusive parents getting some sort of pass.
My grandma would guilt trip me and my parent because of our family problem and divorce, saying everyone in the house is ignorant while refusing help , never ask for help, and ignoring/never acknowledge good thing we did I know no one asked but I just wanna type it in once..
Thank you for this refreshing perspective. I am chronically ill and it debilitates me leaving me out of most events such as travel birthdays holidays because I’m just so chronically ill the pain inhibits me badly trust me I go to every single doctor under the sun I’ve had surgeries I’ve been hospitalized I work at my health every single day people have no idea what goes on behind the scenes even though I’ve tried gently to explain the severity of my health situation. Husbands family they have the gift of health and the ability to show up. They have tried to guilt us with statements like “aunt so-and-so is getting older she’s not gonna be around so much anymore“ or “are you coming to the wedding or not it’s only Teresa‘s most special day of her entire life“ even though my husband and I did go to a small ceremony for Teresa and her husband last year at the height of the pandemic. I’m tired of this guilt I’m tired of these guilt trips I don’t want to go on them anymore and my husband is a passive non-confrontational person who feels really uncomfortable and I guess doesn’t want to damage the relationship or kick up any dust but I think it makes a lot of sense what you’re saying that his family is expressing that they want to see us through guilt the problem is that seeing us and being reliable and being present and showing up or not gifts that I can give anybody anymore that is not the kind of support that I can offer. We can absolutely support an offer congratulations we can offer physical gifts I can offer emotional support but Because of my illness being reliable and actually physically showing up is not some thing that is a guarantee anymore and I feel absolutely devastated and depressed over it I cannot control my body believe me I want to it saddens me deeply that I cannot contribute and participate in family events like I used to years ago it is horribly depressing and then to have people try to guilt you on top of it so I’ve been really trying to work on this and understand how to free myself of this how to explain to people that my illness is not my fault and that I need their understanding and then I will try to support them in any other ways that do not Physically being there and that it has absolutely nothing to do with them or my love for them or my caring for them. Being chronically ill and being sick all the time and not feeling well is so difficult on its own and then all the complexities that come along with family members being annoying and insensitive. Thank you for your help on this I need to continue to set boundaries and to lovingly address my husbands family so that they continue to understand that I do love them and then it’s not within my control and I do want to support them and love them in the ways that I can within my health abilities
It's important to note that there's a difference between making *yourself* feel guilty and your parents making you feel guilty. The latter hasn't really been a problem for me. But myself, I put a lot of pressure on myself and have a lot of self induced guilt
I'm the adult kid that makes my parents try and feel guilty. I'm very open about my need to see them for more quality time. As we both live in different countries, and they are getting older.. I now understand why they physically find travel hard.
Not always the case. Sometimes ppl just want u to feel guilty. There's no love. Typical scene in Indian community. The daughter in law made to feel guilty for spending more time at her parents home ( which IS her home!). I have been in that situation and completely broke out of it. No regrets whatsoever.
I’m almost sure everyone writing it’s not love it’s form of control are under 25 or just haven’t grown yet... it is totally form of love not only parents do it but friends and your other half and ppl who love you and can’t control their need to be more with you yet they don’t know any better ways to express it.. I know that because I’m quite the free spirit that needs time away from relationships I only understood the guilt trap after I had the same thing from parents, friends and almost every one who loves me truly,, I had to confront myself and understand the problem the hard way... be thankful that there’s someone like this lady to walk you the easier way and that’s sharing experience..
Guilt is NOT love in disguise. It's a means that others try to limit your feelings of worthiness. When you try to project darkness into another's mind, it's coming from a corner of darkness in your own mind. All guilt is a projection of darkness because we were told to believe guilt should be present... there is NO child born feeling guilt. And guilt is only there when you decide to inherit it. and ONLY when you realize that no guilt can touch you unless you choose for it to be there do you ever learn to be free from it. So rather than projecting darkness, we project light. I've given workshops on guilt. I could counter-lecture this lady for hours.
@ Joe Sielski, as much as a agree with many teachings of Mel Robbins, I too do not agree with her saying 'guilt is love in diguise'. True love, and even more parental love does never evoque the feeling of guilt, of shame or of unworthiness. Love never goes with these feelings. And I agree with you...>>there is NO child born feeling guilt
Best video ever. I always feel guilty. Even when I feel happy I feel guilty 😔 my family is very toxic abs always complains about everything and I feel so guilty about every situations
No need to come for this commenters throat that hard? In my experience there is actually a lot of truth to that comment, it's a given that that doesn't go for EVERY parent. It ties in well with what Mel says too because at the core it's a problem of expectations and reality. Healthy relationships develop the best if we try to really communitcate and meet eye-to-eye instead of letting our expectations cloud the real circumstances.
Not all parents are the same. I have a wonderful relationship with my sons and we are real to one another. I have taught them and myself to love, respect and accept who we are independently from our relationship. Rather than forcing them to be who I want them to be, I taught them to make conscious choices and chose who they want to be. Old parenting styles thrived for shaping your child into your vision of them. Those were my parents. I chose to become and accept me in spite of who they expected me to be. Am I a perfect parent? No way, I am human, yet, I have given my all, to the best of my ability so that they can pursue their own lives and identities. I do not own my children. I am their steward. I hope that what I am sharing with you will help you view parents with different eyes.
This video is one of the most helpful from Mel Robbins, thank you so much, from time to time I'm going back to watch it and remind myself the procedure.
OR it is Control from a Narcissist who wants to have the perfect family to show the world. Narcissists are all about wording everything that you are wrong. That is not love.
SewingMachineLust OMG, you just said what I have experienced. Wording the world about your faults while you cant say anything wrong about them. And so true, what they want is to show the world that they are good. I am so sick of these.
Well spot on Mel :) thank you for that . My mam does that all the time and she achieves the opposite effect . As if someone complains that I dont talk to them enough , at the end of nice 2 hour conversation, i just feel , well f**k it, even if I call every day for 2 hours there will be always some but, and something that could be better . As you said , we dont call them often enough , we dont see them enough, we dont live close enough... so there will always be a reason to play guilt... i live abroad , so whenever we speak , my parents want me to move back .. so i dont call them too often as I dont want to talk about it .. and obviously so i dont call them enough . But the issue is people don’t appreciate anything these days . Today is mothers day in my country , i rang in the middle of the day , w chatted easy over 2 hours .. everyrhing was nice , she will also receive flowers tonight but she doesnt know. Still, at the end of the chat she had to (!) add: bye bye , call more often ! Ehhh .. and you feel like you spent that time for nothing :/
Mel, I've been going through this for the last 15 years of my life. Recently I had a fight with them because I decided to move away and they thought it's too early. And when I explained I'm going to do it no matter what they think, do you know what was their reaction? They told me: "IT WAS ABOUT TIME YOU MADE YOUR OWN DECISIONS!" I'm still shocked to this very day that I spent 15 years of my life feeling guilty for doing things my own way.
@@corinatralala2556 You are right! It was just such a wrong way - they tried to make me stronger by opposing my every decision. I became insecure instead of strong! Everything was always a struggle - with them, because they know better, and with myself because I'm guilty for doing wrong to my parents by making my decisions. And now when it got to the point where I decided I'm moving out no matter what, they suddenly became supportive?? It was unbelieveable. :)
When I was a child, I had the guilt trip lots and it felt absolutely horrible...as a result I became a people pleaser... Only now, I am doing what I want to do, happily married with children and I certainly do not guilt trip my children...now they are grown up, they have their own minds and are great people...
Yeah that is true. My parents are just very traditional, and it just not holidays. i gotta get away from them. i will do my distance from them so it won't get so toxic and put the guilt trip on me.
Wow!! This is the clearest advice on the subject that I’ve ever heard...I know the “create emotional distance” but never knew a way to throw words back at my parents and I think the phrase example she gives could be very useful. Definitely trying this approach this year!
The whole guilting thing is passive aggressive behavior. They may have learned it from their parents, but we know enough nowadays about dealing with these forms of communication to call it what it is: a non-direct way of attempting to control another's actions.
I think guilt also works to teach you a lesson if you've genuinely done something wrong and need to make amends. Not allowing true guilt to play out when it is necessary is called denial.
I disagree with this advice. It’s not good to correct other people’s love language, even if it’s guilt tripping. Just stand up for yourself, give the love you can give, and then go away.
I wonder if this a cultural thing ...? As an Australian, I don’t find parents guilt-shaming their offspring very common. I feel as though we are not a guilt driven nation. Seems to me to be a very passive aggressive way to communicate
My parents always guilt trips me after a long day of work, even as a child they would say "We worked the whole day and you were at home sleeping." And sometimes I would help them 3-4 times throughout the week, but would still be discredited. So I don't think Guilt = Love.
@@kathrynj.hernandez8425 your comment shows a great lack of knowledge of how abusive dynamics can trap persons for years and years. If you are trying to get out of those dynamics and are told by Mel that those are just love it can set you back enourmously. So no, people dont volunteer to be abused unless they are into sadomasoquism and that one is argueable too.
@@womynislandnow2206 I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Now that I'm beginning to heal, I'm starting to move away from the idea of being a victim and starting to take my life back. Since I'm a full-grown adult who is now fully aware of what's happening, I don't intend to "volunteer" to be my mother's victim.
@@toughsoftieyogi good for you that you are beginning to be awake but not everyone is ready or has the same current level of awareness aka you are judging everyone by your own experience and essentially telling them if you dont have the awareness that I have its your fault anyway for choosing it? Sorry do not agree!
@@womynislandnow2206 I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. That's not what I meant. I just wanted to share my story. I hope that you things will get better for you in the future. Stay strong. You are loved.
Thank you for this video. I've been feeling quite suicidal lately, and feeling agitated. My parents excommunicated me because I'm gay. And my mother told me she wishes the worst for me, and that she doesn't want to see me prosper, because it am deformed in her words. She has been abusing me psychologically for my whole life. And no therapist had helped me with these feelings of guilt and shame. Constant verbal abuse such as "crack your demented head open, you're sick the way you dress" and "your never going to be happy being gay is a curse" and the thousands of other things she has said to me, its so hard, I'm beside myself at the moment and I've been crying watching this video. Knowing there is hope but at the same time still feeling hopeless.
@@tommachniak8899 I appreciate you being open about it as well. It must take a lot of strength to admit that you have problems anywhere, whether it be irl or online.
How to use this trick for my grandparents who constantly ask me when I'll get married, find a boyfriend etc.? I'm so tired so those questions and starting to feel that I'm worse than others, "late" or somehow. I'm just 20 yo, but because of them I starting to think that maybe I'm "late" and should find someone. But I'd like to focus on my college.
"Anyway" The word "Anyway", is the pathway, to master guilt. Use it as a bridge, to become what you want to overcome. Because when you become, what you want to overcome, you overcome what you want to become. "Anyway" begins as being consciously unconscious and being unconsciously conscious. The simple, hard truth is that it's often difficult to integrate, when you have to carry the heavy burden of it. That's why it's good to go slowly with it. How to slowly go into cold water. You can even expand your comfort zone. Enter suffering willingly. If you willingly enter into suffering, you purify yourself of it. Because only if you can face the suffering, you can change it. The courage to be strong is the shield against the manipulative fears that attack you. Nevertheless, being strong and not letting yourself be manipulated, is the courage to be strong. A sacrifice for love, is a sacrifice worth dying for. We don't have to undo the things we do wrong or have done wrong in life. We die for it and thus sacrifice ourselves for love. Die for your negative qualities and live for your positive qualities. This is the sacrifice and salvation of the human spirit. Positive and negative imprints in the early days largely determine who we are. Some are positive and some are negative. However, the negative imprints can be overwritten. And how something begins only determines one's own end, the old experience and not the next new beginning of the new experience. We find new ways to leave old ways. This is how we find salvation. The guilt we feel is the one that enslaves us. Only when we also remember our innocence, are we free at the same time. I'm Sorry For many years I carried a deep sense of guilt with me. Which has shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized for something to a person. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself for many years. Until I realized that the only one I really had to apologize to, was myself. I have tortured myself, the most. So every day I apologize to myself for what I've done to myself. This is how I find my innocence; that I once lost, again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my feelings of guilt. And so I don't do anything to others either. Because I am at peace with myself and therefore with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you feel guilty about yourself. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts sorrow. And apologizing takes away sorrow. Master the guilt and regret by becoming one with it in a way that all resistance to it is accepted and integrated. Because guilt and regret are qualities of a good heart. To finally be free, apologize to yourself and so integrate the guilt and regret. The solution to every problem is the problem itself. It came into existence and it will not leave you. However, the point of view changes, from a different perspective. This is how problems, become solutions. No bad deed will ever be forgotten by the conscience. Treasure those bad deeds. They remind you, that you have not forsaken your humanity. The patterns within us lead us like marionettes, on threads. Patterns are stuck resistances that can bring you a lot of suffering. Because if we fight them, we fight ourselves. The way out of the pattern, is therefore not possible, as a marionette in resistance. We can only become one with the patterns and resistances as a marionette and thus pull ourselves, by the strings. Because in order to overcome something, you have to become one with it. It is the shift from the receiver within, to the creator within. Therefore I am not afraid. I am fear. I'm not in the dark, I am the dark. I don't project evil. I am evil. I am not suffering. I am the suffering. I don't feel guilty. I am guilt. This is the way of overcoming. Become it, overcome it. At the same time, the patterns still exist. We have evil in us, that accuses the other evil in us. Evil accuses the other evil, as evil. And evil, that evil, accused of being evil, does not itself believe to be evil? Isn't the evil that accuses other evils of being evil, not evil in itself? If you really seek good, you will not find it in condemnation. When you realize that the condemned in you, is also the judge, then you can choose to drop the judgement. The important thing is to look within yourself, for if you had the intention to harm someone, before you start blaming yourself, for creating something, that was not even in your control. And you will see that there is nothing to regret. Because the intention counts. To get out of something, you have to go in. This is how you free yourself and at the same time, consciously, keep yourself captive. Because the paradoxical opposites, carry the respective opposites within themselves. This is the way out and the way in. Pain is strength in disguise waiting, to be revealed. The reaction determines the content. Whether something is good or bad is ultimately decided in your own mind. It doesn't live in anything or anywhere, but in your own mind's response to something. When you shift your perception of something in a more lovable way, even the worst on earth can become the best on earth.
Have been thinking about how to talk to my parent about not being home for this Christmas due to our travel plans .....and out of no where your vid just popped up.... I believe in signs too now ....thanks Mel
There's no point in feeling guilt. Understood. For some, guilt does not enter into the scenario. What it does however is set up defensiveness. A need to always have to defend oneself.
Some ppl are so stifled mentally, that they can’t see emotions and characteristics don’t all come from someone being a bad person. It is very possible guilt trip is an expression of love. Everyone doesn’t grow up with a book on life and love.
Guilt is my mothers currency. She makes me feel so guilty for everything. She once ruined a Mother’s Day dinner my sister and I planned for her at a beautiful restaurant by picking at us about how much she hated our boyfriends and everything she dislikes about them until it started a fight and she stormed out crying.
I don't feel guilty about most things. Logically it doesn't really make sense but I do feel guilty about doing some things. I would love to never feel guilty again.
I carry this guilt. Especially because they have health struggles, then I feel like a bad person. There is no I love you, I miss you talk, I never heard that in my life. They express this through food and complaining for not staying longer.
Guilt is a response to someone trying to force you to do something you don't want to or can't do. If the feeling of guilt doesn't cause you to change your behavior to match their desires, then feeling guilty serves no purpose to you or the other person. (unless they are downright mean and want you to suffer)
Guilt tripping is not love in disguise, it’s fear of abandonment, and a reactionary response to the potential loss of control, over the victim.
Thank you!! I stopped watching as soon as she said that. Saying it's love in disguise only makes you feel more guilty for being frustrated about the guilt tripping!
Victim? Lol.
Do you have kids?
No one is worried about their children abandoning them they just want to spend time with them but don't know how to communicate that properly. How do you not get that? 😂
@@dommiedarkoh8816 You don't see this behavior as harmful and manipulative? Your poor kids...
@@wavy6470 she do recognize that they do it at that reason and she understands and she definitely doesn’t feel like a poor victim like ppl playing a victim which doesn’t help.Recognizing is.
@@dommiedarkoh8816 then learn how to communicate properly before instilling negativity into your children?
So many people deal with this family guilt so this is well needed. Thanks for sharing Mel!
Over the years I came to the realization that other people's expectations are not my responsibility. It gets tough at times, especially with the people I love, but at the end of the day it's worth it. It still upsets me sometimes, but not doing things against myself is more important than pleasing others, even family.
Can you teach me? Please
@@blank1505 I think it requires a degree of selfishness. Being selfish, contrary to popular belief, typically improves the lives of others simultaneously. They will see your results in real time, you start to set precedents. This goes for family, friends, peers, all of it. But do know and understand this, everyone, and I mean everyone will gossip or talk about you eventually. The important thing to remember is to stay true to your character and hold firm to your own pursuit of happiness. Most leaders end up being target for the blame, that is how it always works. Comes with the territory. Just ask yourself this: Would you rather be the one in the crowd, talking and joking about the person on stage, or would you rather be the one on the stage, with the mic, and the power to face the spotlight? Either way, the one on the stage is ultimately the one thats worth anything at all, and the one that doesnt die with regret and realization that they just completely locked away their own potential in fear of judgement from others.
Finally! Real adult wisdom on this topic. Cutting people off is the easy answer that fixes nothing. I want to actually fix this stuff with the people that are important to me. I appreciate you.
My experience with a narcissistic parent tells me this doesn’t apply to them. ☹️
Don't respond to negative comments .if positive n constructive.. Cooperate . Smile more in response... Stay self dependent as much you can.
Bingo
They SO want you to feel guilty and put the blame on you!! Did you cut off all communication?
@@NB-dq6ku Absolutely and certainly don't engage if you are stressed out by the idea of communicating with them!
Oh I feel you to some degree. I got this kind of neighbour, which is not as critical as a narcicistic parent.
It must be very hard at times for you I guess...
Mel. This vid was the “a-ha” moment I needed. My family was masters at this and it resulted in not so cool life changing results. I have been trying to figure out for 11 years why people guilt and why people never speak up. I witnessed my mom go to an early grave never speaking up and I vowed to be the generational curse breaker. I knew what I was doing was the right thing by standing up and speaking out. Lord did it eat at me like a virus. Well I finally got the peace I was seeking. Woman if I ever see you on the street I am giving you the biggest grateful and most loving doubled arm squeeze hug you can imagine. Thank you and love you , your crew and all you do!!!💋❤️😍
Lori Lynette 😊✨✨
Stalker
That explanation made me feel guilty.
Guilt is a way for parents to manipulate you. Needs to be addressed in a loving way.
TRUTH! Guilt = manipulation not love.
it's not just parents, children can do this too in their adult years.
freetobeme, absolutely 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾!!
I like kindness and genuine connection between people. Thank you
This made me cry😢😭. Communication has been hard between my mom and I lately. I'm not giving up hope though.
Same situation am going through dear how have you managed to deal with it especially apologising to your mum and she says it's your life, do whatever you want, l give up😭
@@khakimay1505 normally mom/women said opposite things, when they said those things they are hurt inside too ! dont give up so easily just like when she dont give up teaching and helping you when you are younger ~ keep doing something with love and good :)
A lot of ppl do this to control. And sometimes guilt works because you’ve been taught to hate yourself by your parents. This over simplified guilt.
Thank you so much I totally needed this as the holidays approach . I get guilted and bribed into going to events with toxic abusers literally people who physically abused me ! My gift to myself at age 44 this season is the gift of saying no and if I can do without guilty and consequences even better !
Nice
What the?! Guilt is disguised as love?!?!? Are you kidding me?! That is soooo wrong. It's called, emotional abuse. A healthy relationship has boundaries, boundaries that are respected. Guilt is no way used in a healthy relationship.
Yep, I have abusive parents and that sounded like something they would do. Addressing it, or doing anything really, only makes it worse and they start being worse towards me.
It's a trap that's difficult to get out of
She's not talking about those cases, she's talking about the cases where the parents care about you.
Guilt CAN be disguised as love, some people just have trouble expressing their emotions.
But what is definitely true is that guilt will only affect you if you let it do so.
Shes talking about most people who love their children. I'm not sure why you brought up emotional abuse.
Um calm down. She's not wrong. You just clearly aren't understanding. Unfortunately most people with the loudest opinions don't.
Parents use guilt usually because they have an invest in you as a child and expect something in return. That's why it's so mandatory to become independent as soon as possible to net let your parents lead your life.
Yep. It has to do with emeshment and control. Not love really.
@Krishna Patel I feel ya pain.
@@viviane_casella Yeah I didn't get the guilt = love message on the screen
Sorry, Mel, but guilt tripping is not an expression love. Instead, it's an expression of enmeshment and control. It's very dangerous to romantize those behaviors, real love makes you feel good about yourself and free to do what's best for you. Where there's demands and drama like that, love went out of the window.
Oh Thank You
But some parents actually do it as an expression of love
Thank you! Guilt tripping is a manipulative technique to control you, that’s it. No love in guilt tripping. Definitely address it and set firm boundaries. If they refuse to change, then you know what boundaries you need to set. I’m sick of abusive parents getting some sort of pass.
Agree
My grandma would guilt trip me and my parent because of our family problem and divorce, saying everyone in the house is ignorant while refusing help , never ask for help, and ignoring/never acknowledge good thing we did
I know no one asked but I just wanna type it in once..
Thank you for this refreshing perspective. I am chronically ill and it debilitates me leaving me out of most events such as travel birthdays holidays because I’m just so chronically ill the pain inhibits me badly trust me I go to every single doctor under the sun I’ve had surgeries I’ve been hospitalized I work at my health every single day people have no idea what goes on behind the scenes even though I’ve tried gently to explain the severity of my health situation. Husbands family they have the gift of health and the ability to show up. They have tried to guilt us with statements like “aunt so-and-so is getting older she’s not gonna be around so much anymore“ or “are you coming to the wedding or not it’s only Teresa‘s most special day of her entire life“ even though my husband and I did go to a small ceremony for Teresa and her husband last year at the height of the pandemic. I’m tired of this guilt I’m tired of these guilt trips I don’t want to go on them anymore and my husband is a passive non-confrontational person who feels really uncomfortable and I guess doesn’t want to damage the relationship or kick up any dust but I think it makes a lot of sense what you’re saying that his family is expressing that they want to see us through guilt the problem is that seeing us and being reliable and being present and showing up or not gifts that I can give anybody anymore that is not the kind of support that I can offer. We can absolutely support an offer congratulations we can offer physical gifts I can offer emotional support but Because of my illness being reliable and actually physically showing up is not some thing that is a guarantee anymore and I feel absolutely devastated and depressed over it I cannot control my body believe me I want to it saddens me deeply that I cannot contribute and participate in family events like I used to years ago it is horribly depressing and then to have people try to guilt you on top of it so I’ve been really trying to work on this and understand how to free myself of this how to explain to people that my illness is not my fault and that I need their understanding and then I will try to support them in any other ways that do not Physically being there and that it has absolutely nothing to do with them or my love for them or my caring for them. Being chronically ill and being sick all the time and not feeling well is so difficult on its own and then all the complexities that come along with family members being annoying and insensitive. Thank you for your help on this I need to continue to set boundaries and to lovingly address my husbands family so that they continue to understand that I do love them and then it’s not within my control and I do want to support them and love them in the ways that I can within my health abilities
Guilt feeling is really really important you are best person if you feel guilty on your mistakes .
~vijitraghuwanshi
This is *gold* ! My life and emotional well-being has changed dramatically because of your help, Mel. Thank you very much!
It's important to note that there's a difference between making *yourself* feel guilty and your parents making you feel guilty.
The latter hasn't really been a problem for me. But myself, I put a lot of pressure on myself and have a lot of self induced guilt
Productive You Children would grew up with the criticizing voices of the parents so the adults become self doubt and self guilt, self shame, etc.
Putting your comment and this video together, could you have an honest conversation with yourself and get to the bottom of it?
I'm the adult kid that makes my parents try and feel guilty. I'm very open about my need to see them for more quality time. As we both live in different countries, and they are getting older.. I now understand why they physically find travel hard.
Weird weird weird. I was just lying in bed thinking about how my parents make me feel guilty...then 💥 out of no where this video is posted.😳
ArdelleVision 😲✨
That is law of attraction
kimiutp, yes quite possible!
Akagami interesting...
roger daily 1 wow. What are the odds...
Not always the case. Sometimes ppl just want u to feel guilty. There's no love. Typical scene in Indian community. The daughter in law made to feel guilty for spending more time at her parents home ( which IS her home!). I have been in that situation and completely broke out of it. No regrets whatsoever.
I feel you😔✊
I’m almost sure everyone writing it’s not love it’s form of control are under 25 or just haven’t grown yet... it is totally form of love not only parents do it but friends and your other half and ppl who love you and can’t control their need to be more with you yet they don’t know any better ways to express it.. I know that because I’m quite the free spirit that needs time away from relationships I only understood the guilt trap after I had the same thing from parents, friends and almost every one who loves me truly,, I had to confront myself and understand the problem the hard way... be thankful that there’s someone like this lady to walk you the easier way and that’s sharing experience..
Guilt is NOT love in disguise. It's a means that others try to limit your feelings of worthiness. When you try to project darkness into another's mind, it's coming from a corner of darkness in your own mind. All guilt is a projection of darkness because we were told to believe guilt should be present... there is NO child born feeling guilt. And guilt is only there when you decide to inherit it. and ONLY when you realize that no guilt can touch you unless you choose for it to be there do you ever learn to be free from it. So rather than projecting darkness, we project light. I've given workshops on guilt. I could counter-lecture this lady for hours.
@ Joe Sielski, as much as a agree with many teachings of Mel Robbins, I too do not agree with her saying 'guilt is love in diguise'. True love, and even more parental love does never evoque the feeling of guilt, of shame or of unworthiness. Love never goes with these feelings. And I agree with you...>>there is NO child born feeling guilt
This changed my life thank you sometimes I feel guilty now I feel love
Best video ever. I always feel guilty. Even when I feel happy I feel guilty 😔 my family is very toxic abs always complains about everything and I feel so guilty about every situations
Parents love the idea of their children, not their actual children.
False.
No need to come for this commenters throat that hard? In my experience there is actually a lot of truth to that comment, it's a given that that doesn't go for EVERY parent. It ties in well with what Mel says too because at the core it's a problem of expectations and reality. Healthy relationships develop the best if we try to really communitcate and meet eye-to-eye instead of letting our expectations cloud the real circumstances.
That is scarily true, if not in every case.
Wow this comment speaks volumes
Not all parents are the same. I have a wonderful relationship with my sons and we are real to one another. I have taught them and myself to love, respect and accept who we are independently from our relationship. Rather than forcing them to be who I want them to be, I taught them to make conscious choices and chose who they want to be. Old parenting styles thrived for shaping your child into your vision of them. Those were my parents. I chose to become and accept me in spite of who they expected me to be. Am I a perfect parent? No way, I am human, yet, I have given my all, to the best of my ability so that they can pursue their own lives and identities. I do not own my children. I am their steward. I hope that what I am sharing with you will help you view parents with different eyes.
Fear accepted becomes freedom
Fear denied,condemned,rejected becomes guilt
Hi guru :) how are you?
This video is one of the most helpful from Mel Robbins, thank you so much, from time to time I'm going back to watch it and remind myself the procedure.
Thank you for this video. I needed it so much. The guilt can be so painful, such an uncomfortable feeling.
OR it is Control from a Narcissist who wants to have the perfect family to show the world. Narcissists are all about wording everything that you are wrong. That is not love.
SewingMachineLust OMG, you just said what I have experienced. Wording the world about your faults while you cant say anything wrong about them. And so true, what they want is to show the world that they are good. I am so sick of these.
Agreed. Guilt-tripping children is a method of control. It isn't "love", it's manipulation.
Exactly what I was thinking the entire time. I could never address this issue with my narcissistic mother!
@@toughsoftieyogi Is she still alive? did you have to cut all communication with her?
@@annalieff-saxby568 Pretty much but if you address things clearly i guess parents can back off a little ;-)
Parents want their kids to be like they want. I feel like if a couple want that it's better to buy a robot.
Well spot on Mel :) thank you for that .
My mam does that all the time and she achieves the opposite effect .
As if someone complains that I dont talk to them enough , at the end of nice 2 hour conversation, i just feel , well f**k it, even if I call every day for 2 hours there will be always some but, and something that could be better . As you said , we dont call them often enough , we dont see them enough, we dont live close enough... so there will always be a reason to play guilt... i live abroad , so whenever we speak , my parents want me to move back .. so i dont call them too often as I dont want to talk about it .. and obviously so i dont call them enough . But the issue is people don’t appreciate anything these days . Today is mothers day in my country , i rang in the middle of the day , w chatted easy over 2 hours .. everyrhing was nice , she will also receive flowers tonight but she doesnt know. Still, at the end of the chat she had to (!) add: bye bye , call more often !
Ehhh .. and you feel like you spent that time for nothing :/
I really love the advice that Mel gives.
Ughh going thru this right now… thanks for making me feel like a normal person
Mel, I've been going through this for the last 15 years of my life. Recently I had a fight with them because I decided to move away and they thought it's too early. And when I explained I'm going to do it no matter what they think, do you know what was their reaction? They told me: "IT WAS ABOUT TIME YOU MADE YOUR OWN DECISIONS!" I'm still shocked to this very day that I spent 15 years of my life feeling guilty for doing things my own way.
Maybe your parents have a problem expressing that they are proud of you. They are proud of you making your own decisions!
@@corinatralala2556 You are right! It was just such a wrong way - they tried to make me stronger by opposing my every decision. I became insecure instead of strong! Everything was always a struggle - with them, because they know better, and with myself because I'm guilty for doing wrong to my parents by making my decisions. And now when it got to the point where I decided I'm moving out no matter what, they suddenly became supportive?? It was unbelieveable. :)
When I was a child, I had the guilt trip lots and it felt absolutely horrible...as a result I became a people pleaser... Only now, I am doing what I want to do, happily married with children and I certainly do not guilt trip my children...now they are grown up, they have their own minds and are great people...
Love this, excellent points, looking behind the complaints to find the emotions underneath!
I really love Mel. She's very wise
I still love my mum sooooooooooo much
Wow - can’t believe of all situations, Mel touched on the one I was specifically going through…
Thank you, Mel, I really need to hear it!
Another engaging, informative, and no BS short video by Mel Robbins. Suppressed guilt kills creativity, passion, vitality, and libido 🙏💖
Yeah that is true. My parents are just very traditional, and it just not holidays. i gotta get away from them. i will do my distance from them so it won't get so toxic and put the guilt trip on me.
So good! Another reason to love Mel Robbins! ♥️
I wish my parents were still alive to make me feel guilty, l miss them both
If you wish so, they never made you really feel guilty. I don't miss my parents one single day. But I respect the love you have for yours.
crap just went from 0 to 100 real quick
I am so sorry
Sorry for your loss but it’s toxic for parents to make you feel guilty about trying to help them out yet live the life God gave you
this kind of statement makes people feel gulity. so coool
Wow!! This is the clearest advice on the subject that I’ve ever heard...I know the “create emotional distance” but never knew a way to throw words back at my parents and I think the phrase example she gives could be very useful. Definitely trying this approach this year!
You are absolutely phenomenonal to me! This video had the power to get me out of bed this morning and I thank you ever so much for it!
What about when you are the one creating your own guilt?
What about when you killed someone last summer?
Phantom Apprentice don’t blame yourself they just taste too good.
I recently just got caught by my cousin not wanting to call so I lied. Created my own guilt, I feel horrible. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
The whole guilting thing is passive aggressive behavior. They may have learned it from their parents, but we know enough nowadays about dealing with these forms of communication to call it what it is: a non-direct way of attempting to control another's actions.
There is love, and then there is ownership. How about we learn the stark difference between the two?
Very good video and can be used along with a spouse as well as parents.
I think guilt also works to teach you a lesson if you've genuinely done something wrong and need to make amends. Not allowing true guilt to play out when it is necessary is called denial.
This is brilliant!!
I’m always complaining about my daughter not calling or texting after moving to college. I don’t want to over do it. I’m just worry
Wow. Thanks. Really. It will work for many other issues as well.
Mum and Dad were fine, it's my sister who loves making me feel guilty.
That's life changing, I really needed to hear that
I disagree with this advice. It’s not good to correct other people’s love language, even if it’s guilt tripping. Just stand up for yourself, give the love you can give, and then go away.
Yes💕
Agreed! When Mel in her example said "Mom would you stop complaining" the next thing I would hear if I did this is nonstop Yelling! Bad idea.
I wonder if this a cultural thing ...? As an Australian, I don’t find parents guilt-shaming their offspring very common. I feel as though we are not a guilt driven nation. Seems to me to be a very passive aggressive way to communicate
It is the perfect video I could watch today, perfectly matches my current situation with my mom expecting something from me that I couldn't do
i agree with mel that guilt can sometimes be an expression of love, just maybe an unhealthy way of expressing it
So glad I stumbled across this channel. Also, I really dig those glasses….great look! 😁
My parents always guilt trips me after a long day of work, even as a child they would say "We worked the whole day and you were at home sleeping." And sometimes I would help them 3-4 times throughout the week, but would still be discredited. So I don't think Guilt = Love.
i had tears not about the video but because of reminding of my guilt.
Thanks ❤
I feel guilty by my dad about my study performance after two days I see the video and I realized I am not guilty about this.
Not useful if your parents are abusive.
In that case, you are an adult. You are not a victim but a volunteer.
@@kathrynj.hernandez8425 your comment shows a great lack of knowledge of how abusive dynamics can trap persons for years and years. If you are trying to get out of those dynamics and are told by Mel that those are just love it can set you back enourmously. So no, people dont volunteer to be abused unless they are into sadomasoquism and that one is argueable too.
@@womynislandnow2206 I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Now that I'm beginning to heal, I'm starting to move away from the idea of being a victim and starting to take my life back. Since I'm a full-grown adult who is now fully aware of what's happening, I don't intend to "volunteer" to be my mother's victim.
@@toughsoftieyogi good for you that you are beginning to be awake but not everyone is ready or has the same current level of awareness aka you are judging everyone by your own experience and essentially telling them if you dont have the awareness that I have its your fault anyway for choosing it? Sorry do not agree!
@@womynislandnow2206 I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. That's not what I meant. I just wanted to share my story. I hope that you things will get better for you in the future. Stay strong. You are loved.
Planning to move out and the guilt was eating me alive. I needed this
What an amazing advice 😍
Thank you... Iam a parent.......i totally understand this. superb ....the perspective you tap!
My parents always acted like it was wonderful when I traveled (elsewhere) for the holidays.
Youngest of 10 kids...
Thank you for this video. I've been feeling quite suicidal lately, and feeling agitated. My parents excommunicated me because I'm gay. And my mother told me she wishes the worst for me, and that she doesn't want to see me prosper, because it am deformed in her words. She has been abusing me psychologically for my whole life. And no therapist had helped me with these feelings of guilt and shame. Constant verbal abuse such as "crack your demented head open, you're sick the way you dress" and "your never going to be happy being gay is a curse" and the thousands of other things she has said to me, its so hard, I'm beside myself at the moment and I've been crying watching this video. Knowing there is hope but at the same time still feeling hopeless.
Are you doing better now?
@@BeachioSandschannel I am, with additional medications and some counselling, it’s been really arduous, I really appreciate you reaching out
@@tommachniak8899 I appreciate you being open about it as well. It must take a lot of strength to admit that you have problems anywhere, whether it be irl or online.
@@BeachioSandschannel thanks so much, I just subscribed to your channel, also :)
@@tommachniak8899 Thx!
How to use this trick for my grandparents who constantly ask me when I'll get married, find a boyfriend etc.? I'm so tired so those questions and starting to feel that I'm worse than others, "late" or somehow. I'm just 20 yo, but because of them I starting to think that maybe I'm "late" and should find someone. But I'd like to focus on my college.
Just smile but say nothing when they ask those questions. Then say how much you are enjoy getting a college education. Do this every time.
I know trap dustbin 😜💪💔😂😀🔫want kill me
"Anyway"
The word "Anyway", is the pathway, to master guilt. Use it as a bridge, to become what you want to overcome.
Because when you become, what you want to overcome, you overcome what you want to become. "Anyway" begins as being consciously unconscious and being unconsciously conscious.
The simple, hard truth is that it's often difficult to integrate, when you have to carry the heavy burden of it. That's why it's good to go slowly with it. How to slowly go into cold water. You can even expand your comfort zone.
Enter suffering willingly.
If you willingly enter into suffering, you purify yourself of it. Because only if you can face the suffering, you can change it.
The courage to be strong is the shield against the manipulative fears that attack you. Nevertheless, being strong and not letting yourself be manipulated, is the courage to be strong.
A sacrifice for love, is a sacrifice worth dying for. We don't have to undo the things we do wrong or have done wrong in life. We die for it and thus sacrifice ourselves for love. Die for your negative qualities and live for your positive qualities. This is the sacrifice and salvation of the human spirit.
Positive and negative imprints in the early days largely determine who we are. Some are positive and some are negative. However, the negative imprints can be overwritten.
And how something begins only determines one's own end, the old experience and not the next new beginning of the new experience. We find new ways to leave old ways. This is how we find salvation.
The guilt we feel is the one that enslaves us. Only when we also remember our innocence, are we free at the same time.
I'm Sorry
For many years I carried a deep sense of guilt with me. Which has shifted again and again, as soon as I apologized for something to a person. I carried the guilt with me and tortured myself for many years. Until I realized that the only one I really had to apologize to, was myself. I have tortured myself, the most. So every day I apologize to myself for what I've done to myself. This is how I find my innocence; that I once lost, again. And by apologizing to myself, I release my feelings of guilt. And so I don't do anything to others either. Because I am at peace with myself and therefore with the world. Therefore, apologize to yourself if you feel guilty about yourself. Because you can't torture yourself and apologize to yourself at the same time. Tormenting inflicts sorrow. And apologizing takes away sorrow.
Master the guilt and regret by becoming one with it in a way that all resistance to it is accepted and integrated. Because guilt and regret are qualities of a good heart. To finally be free, apologize to yourself and so integrate the guilt and regret.
The solution to every problem is the problem itself. It came into existence and it will not leave you. However, the point of view changes, from a different perspective. This is how problems, become solutions.
No bad deed will ever be forgotten by the conscience. Treasure those bad deeds. They remind you, that you have not forsaken your humanity.
The patterns within us lead us like marionettes, on threads. Patterns are stuck resistances that can bring you a lot of suffering. Because if we fight them, we fight ourselves. The way out of the pattern, is therefore not possible, as a marionette in resistance. We can only become one with the patterns and resistances as a marionette and thus pull ourselves, by the strings.
Because in order to overcome something, you have to become one with it. It is the shift from the receiver within, to the creator within. Therefore I am not afraid. I am fear. I'm not in the dark, I am the dark. I don't project evil. I am evil. I am not suffering. I am the suffering. I don't feel guilty. I am guilt. This is the way of overcoming. Become it, overcome it.
At the same time, the patterns still exist. We have evil in us, that accuses the other evil in us. Evil accuses the other evil, as evil. And evil, that evil, accused of being evil, does not itself believe to be evil? Isn't the evil that accuses other evils of being evil, not evil in itself? If you really seek good, you will not find it in condemnation. When you realize that the condemned in you, is also the judge, then you can choose to drop the judgement.
The important thing is to look within yourself, for if you had the intention to harm someone, before you start blaming yourself, for creating something, that was not even in your control. And you will see that there is nothing to regret. Because the intention counts.
To get out of something, you have to go in. This is how you free yourself and at the same time, consciously, keep yourself captive. Because the paradoxical opposites, carry the respective opposites within themselves. This is the way out and the way in.
Pain is strength in disguise waiting, to be revealed.
The reaction determines the content. Whether something is good or bad is ultimately decided in your own mind. It doesn't live in anything or anywhere, but in your own mind's response to something. When you shift your perception of something in a more lovable way, even the worst on earth can become the best on earth.
such a specific context
I bet 90% of what we say and hear is misunderstood. Just step outside of "me." And it's easier to get along...
thank you
"Guilt only works if you allow it to affect you" 🙌🙌
Feeling guilty makes you walk on the right path in this life, whether it is with yourself or with your parents
You're so right!!!
Have been thinking about how to talk to my parent about not being home for this Christmas due to our travel plans .....and out of no where your vid just popped up.... I believe in signs too now ....thanks Mel
There's no point in feeling guilt. Understood. For some, guilt does not enter into the scenario. What it does however is set up defensiveness. A need to always have to defend oneself.
Wow! 😳 Thank you! I needed to understand this. Very helpful.👍
That really helps. Thank you.
In case anyone needs to know, if you stretch you can get this to apply to guilt from calling out from work.
My lovely parents are both in heaven waiting for me.
Good one! thanks, Mel. with respects, Prakash
Great video. Thanks!
Some ppl are so stifled mentally, that they can’t see emotions and characteristics don’t all come from someone being a bad person. It is very possible guilt trip is an expression of love. Everyone doesn’t grow up with a book on life and love.
Guilt is my mothers currency. She makes me feel so guilty for everything. She once ruined a Mother’s Day dinner my sister and I planned for her at a beautiful restaurant by picking at us about how much she hated our boyfriends and everything she dislikes about them until it started a fight and she stormed out crying.
I don't feel guilty about most things. Logically it doesn't really make sense but I do feel guilty about doing some things. I would love to never feel guilty again.
I carry this guilt. Especially because they have health struggles, then I feel like a bad person. There is no I love you, I miss you talk, I never heard that in my life. They express this through food and complaining for not staying longer.
Guilt is a response to someone trying to force you to do something you don't want to or can't do. If the feeling of guilt doesn't cause you to change your behavior to match their desires, then feeling guilty serves no purpose to you or the other person. (unless they are downright mean and want you to suffer)
This is scary for people with manipulative parents
Thank you for this video 🌹🌹🌹🙏🧿
Thank you!
Love this!!!!
It's not just parents who do it either!
I love you ....u r so amazing..we don't talk about real issues that's absolutely true and reason for screwed relationships