HOW I KNEW I WAS TRANSGENDER [CC]
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- Опубліковано 17 вер 2024
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![FEAR OF TRANSITIONING [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TfpPldcFfUQ/mqdefault.jpg)
I have this cat who's really in tune with people's distress and whenever someone is upset, she curls up with them until they're better. When she heard you getting emotional, she hopped up onto my bed next to the laptop and curled up by the speaker and just sat there for the rest of the video watching you. Thought that was too precious not to share, thank you for the video! I remember the podcast on this topic was one of the most eye-opening for me.
ow D: my heart. oh it's too cute owowowow.
Ari Eppert i'm dead..
I once cried at a friend's house/ her cat, her dog and her parakeet came to snuggle with me. The cat laid on my lap, the dog was at my feet and the parakeet at my thigh, snuggling against me
My cat did that when I started crying, my parents kept telling me I’m a girl and that I will never be who I want to be. To be honest, I think animals are the only living creatures I can trust ._.
that is so cute! You basically have an emotional support cat. When I was little my cat would walk in my room at night and check on me because I was his kitten. Now he's old and lazy so he just sits there like a lump lol. Animals care so much about us.
basically the guidance councillor at my school was like "do you have any troubles with your gender identity" and I said "nononono" but then I went home and I was like "waiT A MINUTE" and i looked up trans man on youtube and found Chase. 3 years later, today, I'm one week on Testosterone
Oliver Clonis congrats! My therapist stopped seeing me for some reason, and it’s been three months since I’ve been questioning my gender identity. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it, my parents are super religious(they’re orthodox) so all I can do is bind with whatever I have and use beanies
Donutzbadoodie are you binding safely?
Bill The Rock I tried ace bandages, but it hurt so I stopped. I’m not sure what to use since sports bras trigger my dysphoria.
Donutzbadoodie I’ve heard that you can make one from a swimsuit if that helps? not sure how good the results would be though, i haven’t tried it myself
The cool thing is, now kids like Chase are having their "click" moments from watching Chase. :D
Meeeee
I had my click moment..... like yesterday thanks to him! Im so grateful!
That's not a good thing, kids do not need to harm their bodies like this.
I am an Arab, i didn’t speak English, until i was 18 maybe , I always know there is something wrong with me , but WTF is it i never knew, my mother was and still so abusive because i am not a normal girl to her, one day i was on Facebook and i saw an article says my boyfriend was a girl, I thought it’s a clickbait, so i click in read this story about this FTM guy i start crying so bad this is me!! I couldn’t tell anyone because it’s so fucking dangerous in my country I worked hard in high school and got scholarship i ran away to Europe start my transition 1 year four months
you're very brave, congratulations on the transition
Rafa Leão thank you so much bro ❤️
I wish you peace, health, love and kindness.
Sola112358 thank you so much,i am trying my best, i still suffer from loneliness because my family stopped talking to me for more than a year, and i still suffer from nightmares how my mother used to abuse me physically .
I wih you the best!! Which part of Europe are you?
Repress. Readdress. Repeat. That was my cycle for about 13 years. When I came to terms, I was disgusted at myself. I'm at a point in my life, now, where I still have negative intrusive thoughts... But I'm moving forward. :) Some things just take time.
"Men can be women but women can't be men"- this stigma is so common. I felt the same way until seeing you and Aaron. Thank you.
Im not sure when I realized, probably in grade 9 when I IDed as genderfluid, and then I just slowly started to realize that hey, being a boy makes me feel so much better about myself!
fast forward a year or so and I insist on shopping in the boy's section for clothes, all my friends and teachers call me Kevin... and my mom says to me "Your father and I think you're a lesbian". honey WHAT?
Since then Ive gone through periods where I can wear makeup and "girl" clothes, but I still identify as a man. If a cis guy can do it and people tell him he's brave for breaking gender stereotypes, why cant a trans guy do the same without people seeing it as proof that he's "really a girl"?
If Im a "girl" then why do I recoil in disgust when someone calls me one? Why do I envision myself with a beard and a dick? Just because I once identified as genderfluid (I was in ninth grade, dude) and I like to wear makeup on the days when my dysphoria isnt threatening to literally kill me, does not mean that I'm a girl.
I still feel like I don't "know" because I doubt myself. I know being called Sam and wearing masculine clothing makes me happy. I know being addressed as "he/him" or "they/them" makes me feel better than feminine pronouns. I like having a flat chest, and I bind sometimes. I would rather have a penis than what I have now.
I learned about being "trans" from people online. And I was always like nah, not me. But then I thought about what makes me feel better. And that was being called a boy
And you dislike being put into a 'female role', right? Does it make you want to scream inside if someone puts you in a female role? or tells you how to behave because you're a girl? If you said yes, it's very likely you are transgender, but only you can decide that, even though it maybe hard to wrap your head around for a while. I know I had to struggle a bit to 'get it'.
"The new boy in town!" My heart!
Chase, this was sooooo emotional for me to watch. I believe, you and I started our transitions around the same time: around 2007.
I had a near death experience that led me to question what I really wanted out of my life. It's a long story, but after a major surgery, I ended up in the hospital with a severe case of pneumonia. When I finally got back home, I got on my laptop and researched Google. When I found the Standards of Care to transition, my life would never be the same. I realized that there was medical terminology to address what I knew deep down I had always experienced.
When I returned to College-I was a sophomore that year-I came back telling everyone I was agender. Not long afterwards, I had an incident with my crush, which caused me to withdraw HARD. That was the moment I let go. I called my Dad and told him I was a woman. And, that was my true beginning.
I have always been a standard "girl" like dance, scouts, singing, etc and I never thought to question my gender bc no one ever suggested that I might be different. I didn't even meet a trans person until college, and then I realized binders were a thing. I bought one for cosplay, put it on, and got hit with a wave of "oh. This is different. This is much better" and I've been in a gender cycle of identifying btn trans guy and nonbinary for like two years. I know what I want but I'm not sure what I want to call it, but that's okay! I'm me and that's okay
I found out that I was trans last summer and I'm already 26. I had a phase when I thought I was genderfluid but I came to accept the fact that I'm actually a man when I understood that womanhood was just not a part of me. I hate myself for finding out so late in life but I didn't even know what transness was when I was a kid because I've also been raised by my father we NEVER talked about gender or stuff like that. I was rather tomboyish during my childhood (and I wanted to be one of the boys soooo bad) but I repressed everything when I started high school because I love men and I wanted them to like me even though I hated my body and was never comfortable with my identity. I discovered the existence of trans people on youtube when I was in college and at first I thought it was bullshit but then I watched some videos by trans youtubers and everything finally clicked. You, Chase, are part of that and I wanted to thank you for helping me figuring out my identity because if it weren't for you and Riley Denis I would probably have lived all my life "acting" as a woman and.. well, it wouldn't have been a happy life.
Anyway, thanks for this video, keep up the great work ;)
Wow...your story is similar to mine!! I'm 33 and just came out as non binary when I was 32. I wish it wouldn't have taken so long, but I never knew there was a word for how I felt. I just knew from a young age that I wasn't a girl. Or at least fully one.I identified as a tomboy for a long time. There are days where I absolutely feel non binary and there are other days where I seriously wonder if I'm a dude. Ever since coming out as non binary, 90% of the time I don't feel feminine. And I kinda feel "free" of womanhood now because it didn't feel like me. Some days, I'm unsure :( Most days I like they/them pronouns and there are other days where I like being called he. I've been thinking about/researching microdosing T to see how it makes me look and feel, hoping to achieve a more androgynous/masculine look but I'm scared, unsure, and everything else that we feel as trans people. I guess I'm just waiting for that click. And I haven't had it yet. For now, I'm going with non binary, but if I honestly came out as male in a few years it wouldn't entirely shock me or those around me either. I'm sure you won't read this and it's silly for me to comment all this on a 2 year old video. But your comment resonated with me, so I just wanted you to know. Thank you :)
@@AshtontheCryptid Hey, I read your comment and I'm honestly so happy that mine resonated with you! First I want to congratulate you on your coming out as non binary: coming out is never easy and non binary people are even less understood by cis people so it's a huuuge step! I also want to tell you that I also recognise myself in your story and it feels really good to not be alone in this.
Two years after my comment I can also give you a little insight on how my life went on, if that can help you figure things out. I've been on T for two years and a half and my life has completely changed but it took a long time. For at least a year I still struggled with my body because T made me gain a lot of weight. My thighs and butt were still to 'feminine' for my taste and I didn't feel really good. T also took a long time to affect my face and body hair so I still looked very feminine even after one year on T (but T in France is different from the one in the US and it works wayyy slower compared to some stories in the US where guys already have beards after six months lol). Anyway, I kept going, hoping for the best and as time passed by I got less and less misgendered. I'm still very feminine after two years and a half on T but I have come to like it because I'm finally seen as a guy by other people - and I'd rather be a 'feminine man' than a 'manly woman'. Being seen as a guy and treated like one really changed my life. My body finally took a more masculine shape thanks to weight training and some dieting, and I now feel very comfortable in my body. In doing so, I started to do drag to reclaim my feminine side on my OWN terms and I love it.
In a nutshell, transitioning made me realize that womanhood is not a part of me BUT that femininity is and now that T has done it's work I feel comfortable living my gender how I see fit and not how others want me to (but I'm still a man because neutral pronouns don't exist in French and it's basically impossible to be respected as non binary in this country). Don't get me wrong, I still get misgendered when wearing a mask or when I shave, but most of the time it's smooth sailing and it's amazing.
I'm telling you all that to reassure you: I might not be 100% a manly man - and sometimes I feel more genderfluid than anything - but it's okay and you can choose to transition on your own terms without having to fit in any particular box. Microdosing T can also be a good idea because then you'll know if you feel better or not with slighly more masculine changes. It's a big decision and it's yours to make but I felt like telling you my story to show you that even on T you can still be non binary or genderfluid (I also have an IG account with the same username where you'll find some drag photoshoots to show you what I'm talking about ;p).
Also, I still sometimes doubt whether transitioning was the right decision because I miss wearing dresses and makeup in public but then my boyfriend reminds me of how happy it makes me to be called 'sir' and how much more comfortable I now am to be seen as a man and it makes everything worth it. In the end I guess gender euphoria is more important than dysphoria: if the changes make you happy it's probably the right decision
@@thedasvitania Thank you so much for writing me back!! :D I really appreciate it and I'm happy for you and all your positive changes. Most people don't realize that it's a process and gender isn't something you can figure out overnight. Maybe for some, but certainly not me. I'm little by little accepting that I am probably male or at least trans masculine. I definitely get you where you said you'd rather be seen as a feminine man than a masculine woman. I had a dental appointment the other day and when someone called me "ma'am" it felt like someone just stabbed me in the heart. I just took a deep breath and turned around and acknowledged them like all was well. Then I think to myself, if they would have called me sir, I would have felt better. I've been watching a ton of trans youtubers lately to try and wrap my mind around everything that I'm feeling inside. It's definitely helping. I have 2 other trans people in my life (both mtf) and even though they are the opposite side of the coin, they have both helped give me some insight as well, as far as "how did you know you were trans and how did you come to terms with it" goes. Even as a kid, I would say things like "I wish I was a boy" or "I want to feel male confidence." I got so tired of being told who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to like just because "I'm a girl." I guess it just never clicked back then because I had a highly abusive childhood and I wasn't exactly focused on gender at the time. I was just trying to survive. And to be fair, if I would have come out back then, it would have just been worse for me.Your boyfriend sounds amazing. That's super sweet that he reminds you of your euphoria
‘Fuck, I have to deal with this’ is exactly where I’m at right now with gender identity. Thanks for posting this.
Your hair looks outrageously awesome!
This is the first time I've ever typed it all out so it got really long lmao. I figured out I was nb about two years ago when I was 16. All of my friends realized they were trans before I did, so I'd give a lot of disclaimers like "I'm a cis girl, but..." to be able contribute to discussions. It got increasingly uncomfortable to keep saying that and one day our high school health class was separated by "boys and girls" to we could get separate talks about prostate cancer for the "boys" and breast cancer for the "girls." My nb friend wasn't there that day so I was more able to focus on myself and how it impacted me. It was very focused on calling us ladies and of course every five seconds equating our biology to meaning we're girls. I finally realized how unfitting that was, how uncomfortable it made me feel, and how I was actually dissociating during it all. The next day, my friend asked what they had missed so I explained how uncomfortable the presentation was making me and they were like "but you're cis, why is it impacting you like that?" and I realized that maaaaaybe I wasn't actually cis.
I started saying "I'm a girl" and realizing how unfitting it was but then saying "I'm nonbinary" or "I'm agender" and feeling the gender euphoria it came with. I hadn't realized sooner because I don't really have an understanding of what it means to be a girl or what gender means etc. I didn't realize that what I thought it felt like to be a cis girl was just what it felt like for me to be agender. I primarily experience social dysphoria so I also didn't realize how strong it was until I started going by a different name and pronouns because then I was able to experience how wrong it felt to be misgendered. Having nb and binary trans youtubers to turn to for information and their experiences was definitely super helpful too. A lot of things just make a lot more sense now and I'm a lot happier that I've figured out who I am.
thanks for sharing :) I've recently started really questioning my gender and I feel like I'm kind of genderqueer/genderfluid. But I also hadn't realized this before even though I knew what nb and trans experiences may be like. But recently, I've noticed quite strong discomfort with being categorized as a woman and being referred in that way. I don't feel like I quite fit into that. And I've slowly started using they pronouns, but I find it very scary and intimidating to have to put my identity out there like that so often to get people around me to refer to me in the correct way.. I guess I'm just not very confident on that front
Np! Some people just know as soon as they hear about other trans/nb people that the label fits them, but for people like me and maybe you as well, it can be hard to see trans/nb stuff as something that connects to you at first. It always felt like those things were in a separate box away from me and until I was really forced to think about it, I'd never tried looking in that box for myself. But even though it was scary, I'm rly glad I accepted it.
Being nb is such a loaded identity because yeah, you have to put yourself out there so often with pronouns a lot of people don't understand and just existing as a gender most people haven't heard of. When that type of atmosphere is out there, it's difficult to find the confidence to be yourself despite it. It's also hard to have to be that learning experience for the people who don't understand. But your identity is so valid and you deserve to be heard and recognized for the gender you are. As someone who's been out for a while, yeah, it's still scary sometimes, but all of it definitely gets easier!
yeah it was the same for me, separate for a long time, then only realised it may apply to me too. Glad to get encouragement, I feel like not enough people in my life rn are validating my identity and that can be tough even though I know that I'm valid anyway.
Same! and yes definitely 💜💜💜 I feel so moved and empowered by surrounding myself with people who get it and sometimes that is on the internet which is cool :)
I'm happy for you as well! Being able to be who you are is a wonderful thing, no matter how long it takes you to get there
I knew in much the same way you did. Lots of back and forth, crying over it, wearing clothes to hide my figure. Before I even knew what being trans was I started binding my chest with an ace bandage (DO NOT RECOMMEND) and cutting off all my hair, then being happy when people called me he in public. The real turning point came in college. I was in the dorm of the LGBT club's president (who I had just met days ago) drinking a bit of wine and talking. We got on the topic of gender and sexuality and I just started crying. I started sobbing on her lap how it would just be easier if I was a girl and she said, and I'll never forget this: "easier for you, or for everyone else?" And that was the point where I decided I couldn't ignore this anymore. It literally kept slapping in the face every time I tried to ignore it, but she gave me the strength to come out and say enough is enough. A year later, I came out and began my transition and I haven't looked back since 😊❤
*trigger warning-suicide, self harm, possibly more*
I never knew when I was a kid, but there were “signs”. I would always shop in the boys/men’s section and my aunt would try to force me to wear girly stuff. I always hung out with the guys. I rode bmx, dirt bikes, quads. Played football. Lifted weights. I had no feminine bone in my body. I was the typical “tomboy” if you will... until... I wasn’t. I tried the fem side. It almost made me so depressed that I attempted 3 times to kms. When I graduated high school, I never was happy. Attempted to go to college. Nope. My dad had passed away during my second year and I had to drop out so I can get a second job to pay the bills he left us. He was very abusive so it was kind of a good thing that he’s gone. Then I moved north searching for a better life... that didn’t come. Moved back. Then was one night that I had a thought “what if I’m not this girl everyone thinks I am?”
I spent months searching for clues and researched almost everything online. I talked to a friend of mine who is also trans and he said “I was the same way”
So I did more research. Then experimented with genderfluid, Demi boy, and others, just to come to the realization that the words “ma’am, she, her” hurt me so deep inside that I can’t stand hearing those words. I couldn’t stand “aunt flow” or anything feminine like make up. My chest is so large, it made me feel terrible unless I couldn’t see it. It made me so uneasy. So I experimented with he/him pronouns and male clothes and binding and my face started to glow when I felt like I found the right fit for me. So I came out to my mom through a “booklet” I made at 2am. And started T a few months later, and now 9 months on T, I am happy. I haven’t had a depressive episode in that span of time. I’m feeling like myself. Changed my name legally, came out to friends and family then to coworkers. Now I’m working on finding a therapist to get my letter for top surgery.
And through all of the trial and error and putting the puzzle pieces together, I can confidently say that I am a trans male and proud. Came out at 22yrs old.
This is how I knew I was trans.
Coldvisitor are you going to copy and paste the same shit on every comment? your statement is partially valid, however for some people being a masculine woman/feminine man isnt the case. how dare you police other people's identity.
That is so wonderful. I'm so glad you have found a way to be yourself and be happy. I feel like I'm in this hole right now too. I just started puberty, and it's just like the whole world is crashing on top of me. I'm really just saying the same thing a ton on youtube because I feel the need to tell somebody what's going on, and I can't bring myself to say anything in real life. I dream of being in the place you are in. Sorry, I feel like I'm just sobbing all over every bodies comments ;/
I feel like I knew my whole life but also had no idea. Like you did I repressed a lot and because I am into typical “girly” activities like baking and being obsessed with cats I clung onto that as “see? I’m cis, look at my life. I’m a proud woman clearly.” It wasn’t until I played a video game of all things that forced my character to be a man (Witcher 3 hell yeah!) and I couldn’t choose a girl character that I realized how much I craved feeling masculine and how much better I felt about myself when in that mind set. (I literally played the whole game in 5 days, I could not stop playing.) I was so good at parading around as a girl I had even fooled myself into thinking that was the truth. Also my best friend since jr high is a trans man so talking with him and going with him to a support group really solidified my gender identity and made me finally feel valid. Then your videos and the podcast helped even more. I’m now on my way to getting on T and starting to live my life as my genuine self. I might be 26 turning 27 but I feel like I’m getting a second chance at growing up again. It’s awesome!
I was raised pretty much gender neutral. I was addressed as female because my language doesn't have gender-neutral pronouns, but that's all. So my whole childhood I was just me, a boy, without ever knowing that I was. I didn't have any concept of gender. Until I hit puberty, that's when things got complicated. I started to hate my body for reasons I didn't understand. This was also the time where the difference between boys and girls became visible at school. I was already a social outcast because I have autism, and being this 'in between' made me even lonelier. A few years of self-hatred and anorexia later I came across the word "transgender" and "non-binary" online. I started doing research and watching youtube videos. I instantly knew I was trans too, but I just couldn't accept it. One night in 2013 I stayed up until 2am watching videos, and while watching Alex Bertie I finally broke down and cried "I'm a boy I'm a boy I'm a boy" to myself for two hours. It took a while before I really knew who I was and what I wanted, but this breakdown was the start. I'm now well over a year on T and am having top surgery in a few months. Without your videos I might not have been able to do this, thank you so much Chase!
Yaël OMG. That’s so close to my story, but I was raised super girly! I actually have autism too, but my dysphoria started slightly before puberty hit
Yaël hey! We have similar stories is there any way we can get in contact? I have a couple of questions I’d like to ask
I am going through that cycle of "yes I am" "no I'm not" right now and it is so hard. I will get gender therapy in the next few weeks. I have to deal with this.
I'm in that endless cycle right now, my last boyfriend told me that the thought of me being trans made him puke. While I might have left him for saying those things to me, they have left a mark on me. I dont have anyone who supports me at the moment, and I dont think I ever will. I cant afford Hormones, and without anyone who's there for me, I might just end up doing some stupid things
I’m here for you
Please don't self medicate, it is dangerous. It's best for you to wait until an actual doctor can give the hormones to you.
Please don’t overdose in hormomes
chase the thought of u not being here breaks my heart
When you talk about how you were looking through youtube and randomly clicked on a video and found out about trans people, your "Shit trans guys say" video did that for me 4 years ago. It just clicked. I had toyed around with gender fluidity, but it was always more than that. So thank you.
Alec W YES!! That was exactly me! His video introduced me to trans people...I identified as genderfluid but it never fit. As I searched more on UA-cam, I found Ty Turner, Cameron Russo, Aiden, Stef, Reed and their experiences truly highlighted how I felt inside. They created a word for me. Transgender.
After I came out October of this year I keep having flashbacks to how I was as a kid, and much like you so many of these are about gender. Just little things like being confused why my brothers could run around shirtless but I couldn’t. I figured it out at about 14 because I joined tumblr to find out more about someone close to me in my life coming out as gay, so I wanted to be a good ally and learn everything I could about everything LGBT. Well fast forward a month or two and I start finding things about gender, which I’d never thought of before. Then I go to a counsellor and he flat out asks first session “are you trans?” And I went “uhhhhh?” Because at the time I didn’t know. I then do research on it and get a lot of “born in the wrong body” stuff and my mom asks me if I feel like I was and I go “...no?” Because I’d never really felt like that. I ended up joining an online chat room for ftm guys and talking in there and watching a slam poet perform and what they said was “I’m not born in the wrong body. I was born into a world that doesn’t know what my body means” and everything clicked. At seventeen I finally came to terms with it because of this :)
Thank you for this video. I just came out this year, but I've been having a lot of moments of "ug I don't want to deal with this" and it's hard. I actually think the fact that you're very open about how you've taken breaks with your transition make me feel better about my anxiety. I realized there's no right way to feel and any major change, even ones that bring a lot of good, can be scary.
Thank you for making this video! This is definitely the most relatable “how I knew I was trans” video I’ve watched. Not many videos talk about the repressing things for years. I too have many childhood memories relating to gender specificity. I also would binge watch trans videos then repress those feelings for months or even years. This year I finally decided to accept myself and now I’m 6 weeks on T. Full heartedly agree on wishing that I knew what a trans person was when I was younger. Thank you Chase, this video is fantastic and will definitely help a lot of guys.
Paperclown I am working towards an operation, my top surgery is going to be sometime in May, I’m just selecting a date. I have no idea why I you think I have to validate who I am with this information. I’m not goth, hippy, grunge, emo, or a millennial. I’m a kid trying to follow his dreams of running sled dogs. I don’t feel misunderstood by society in the slightest. I hope you can feel more understood by society considering you’re insecure enough to feel the urge to write senseless comments
Thans for sharing your story Chase
I knew I was trans, legitimately, after I saw a video about ‘chest binding’. I was like ‘dah fuck is this shizzle’ and I clicked on the video and I was like ‘oh ‘Chase?’ That’s a cool name...Why is he chest binding? Wait, trans? What’s that **google searches** **loud screaming**’
Honestly. Self reflection after watching your videos and more importantly the podcast. Talking with one of my best friends (and learning I'd come out to his as NB 4 years earlier). And then more so, finding a support group through you when you and Stef has the meetup in Toronto. I feel like I've come SO far from then - having just come out to my mom to about to start T. So, from the bottom of my heart: thank you.
You’re so gorgeous in this video 💜 thank you for sharing everything you do with us, Chase. I’m a cis but you feel like a friend to me and I’ve honestly learned so much from you so thank you 💜
Thank you so much for this video. What you described as the beginning of realizing what trans means - that it EXISTS - and the struggle of whether or not it applies to you is what I'm currently going through. You know you're an inspiration, I am so incredibly thankful to have what you didn't: people who share their stories and that I can relate to. Everything you do here is worth so much to me. Thank you.
Thank you for much for this and for being here and with us! I'm your age and I discovered my identity in October 2016. I always felt that something was wrong. That I don't fit anywhere. I'm nonbinary (transmasculine) and I didn't know that something like this exist. I learned from the Ash Hardell's video. And It was just it. At the beginning I tried to hit it. I tried to be just a guy but it didn't work. Now I almost ending my diagnosis with a psychologist. Keep your fingers crossed! Love from Wroclaw!!!
I resonate with this so much! My identity as trans was a cycle like that for a bit but especially when it came to starting hormones or not, I CONSTANTLY cycled between wanting and not wanting it. That cycle was so confusing but also really did a lot in knowing I was trans.
Chase, our experiences are very VERY similar. I am like 99.9999% sure that YOU were the person I randomly found on youtube when I was 18, and it all clicked and I cried and cried. Suppressed it, then the feelings went back and forth for years until I finally transitioned at 23. Almost 3 years on T now. Thank you for all that you do.
Thank you for this video, it's such an inspiration, and I'm so proud of you for sharing this. I definitely relate to a lot of this, as a child I always got my brothers hand me down clothes, but I never understood why that made me so happy until I was in high school and found UA-cam. Knowing that you too had that awful back and forth really gives me hope for the future, so thank you again.
I remember having dysphoria as a kid. I remember wanting to be a wife and a mother. I remember wanting to be Lola Bunny and having to pretend that I just meant her basketball skills ( as if lmao ). I remember asking a boy if he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I remember wanting to play with Barbie. I remember wanting an Easy Bake Oven. I remember being incredibly proud that I resembled my mother.
And when I started to learn about transgender people in high school, I started questioning if maybe I was a woman but I decided that I couldn't be because I didn't want breasts or a vagina ( as if that has anything to do with anything ). Then I came back to the subject as an adult and I started listening to trans people with the intention of choosing to believe that they understood their experiences better than any cis person can. And I realized that while I'm not a woman I am very adjacent to one. I've since settled on agender femme and demiwoman as my identity labels.
sara So are you saying im not a girl or what? Like, whats your aim here?
sara So whats your point? "The reality of being female" seems really suspicious in the context of this conversation, so what are you really saying to me right now?
How about i rephrase. I was a girl who liked stereotypically feminine things and because of my amab status i was not allowed to enjoy those things, which caused the social dysphoria that has allowed me to realize that i was never a boy and am not a man. Satisfied?
sara So ur basically just here to engage in transantagonism. I have never been a boy and it has taken me decades of introspection and reeducation to understand that. Thats the last thing i'll say
sara Its so funny how i opened with the fact that i wanted to be a wife and mother. You hopped and skipped over that to make a huge deal out of one of two stereotypically feminine things.
sara I've never heard of a man being someone's wife or mother😒
I think ur just being transantagonistic and hiding it behind this faux concern about stereotyping✌
I just kinda floated around for my teenage years, I was already seriously depressed so I didn't really care(?) about my gender or anything else for that matter. Then like 5 years ago my psychologist just went "do you know what trans means?" And of course I didn't so she explained it to me and it was at that moment I knew why I'd been so depressed and anxious. Of course it wasn't all because of feeling different and "wrong" in a way, there's a lot more to my depression. But it really helped when I found out about trans people. Then I found the comnunity here on youtube and other social media and I wasn't alone anymore. Now a long journey later I am almost a year on testosterone, had my name changed legally and top surgery is coming up really soon! I am so glad you make these videos and just hearing people talk about these things make me so happy and a lot less lonely! Keep making these videos, you're saving lives! 💜 sorry about the long comment tbh 😅😅
Thank you, chase, for sharing your story! I’m glad you went through with it and are happier now. :)
I know I’m trans because no matter how much I tried to suppress and ignore and deny all of my discomfort and dissonance of “being female”, it kept coming back and I knew if I kept denying myself that I would be unhappy for the rest of my life and would regret my decision.
I though I was Genderfluid, but I think it might just be me making myself be a girl, and then the boy rising up and being happy, but scared
NotPMHarper Same!
NotPMHarper same
When I was a kid I didn’t think gender was something I would ever question. I was a girl so I acted as one not really knowing there was a spectrum. Then the internet hit and there were chat rooms and I’d chat with friends and random people online. One day I started introducing myself as a guy on a whim. And I liked being called he and him but I never really told anyone about it. I went about the rest of my childhood and kind of forgot about all of that. Till two years ago I met some very strong trans friends online and they knew who they were and were open about what it meant to be trans. I started digging around on youtube and I found this channel. I noticed some similarities but I couldn’t relate to everything. I would end up feeling fake because how can I be trans if I didn’t feel everything the same way. Dysphoria was never something I knew or had felt before. And not having what I thought to be the true trans experience, I thought I was faking it. My cis friends would tell me your just nb you’re not trans you didn’t know from the start that you felt more masculine, or if you were trans you would have to feel so dysphoric that you need to transition. Or things like you’re either nb or trans, implying I had to choose. I ended up not feeling trans enough because of their input. My mistake was letting them tell me what I felt wasn’t enough. Although thanks to them I really did get dysphoria because sharing selfies they’d say I looked very feminine. I felt like shit man I just thought I looked nice today. Thankfully I don’t talk to this person anymore. Last year I chopped off all my hair and now I openly go by he/him. I came out to my mom and she respects it despite still not completely understanding it. I really hope to get a binder this year when money isn’t as tight! Your videos really helped me come to terms with being nb trans, they were educational and uplifting and to that, I say thank you Chase.
I found out I was trans when I was 13-14 years old. Growing up my life was weird. Sure I wore girly clothes once in a while but I never, ever felt like they were meant to me. Then one day I got on UA-cam and saw a few videos. The first was from Skylar kiergil, the others from you. I remember watching them and being all "holy shit. This is me" everything fit, everything was making sense. I pushed away all thoughts of it as best as I could because "there was no way I would be accepted by my family " (which.. became very true later on). But it kept popping up hitting me harder. I got into such a dark place by the time I was in 11th grade I wasn't even sure if I was going to make it to being 18, or 12th grade/senior year of high school. But I did and everything hit me like a million times over. I remember I explict detail when I was younger I would shove socks in my undies and look down and be so comfortable with how it looked. I also remember every single time I was kicked out of the house. And then the feeling when I got my first binder.. just seeing how flat I was .. that was another nail, that alone was a "I can't repress this anymore". I went to college and decided on a name and I remember every single time I heard it I felt so close to tears because that was my name and it was a guys name. I am currently 20 and working on moving out of my mother's house.. and getting myself to a safer environment to where I can finally be out and proud
Boy oh Boy this is extremely close to how I am right now thankfully I manged to break free after 7 years ever since 14 and am now 3 months from 22 and beginning my first appointment in late October to eventually start HRT!
I found out pretty late compared to most people I feel like. I had always been a major tomboy and did every "stereotypically male thing" I could, but my parents bounced through various religions and all of them were very strict gender roles which just left me incredibly depressed and anxious. When I got to college I finally had some more freedom and my junior year I started to google some of the issues and vivid imagery I was constantly having in my head. Which led me to a whole board of people talking about being trans and their body issues, how they felt during childhood, disassociation issues, etc. And made me realize that these were a lot of the problems I was having. Now I am 5 months on T and hopefully going to schedule top surgery soon!
I discovered it like you on youtube.... And I'm pretty sure it was with you and Ty videos... Because you two are the "oldest" ftm youtubers I discovered. Thank you for all btw. You're awesome.
I relate to everything you're saying Chase. Been out to my friends for over 6 years and I just came out to my dad today. It starts here as I'm not going to let this sad cycle repeat - gonna try and take control. You have been such a big part of accepting myself so thank you for all your hard work and for simply being you
I just want to say thank you. Your videos are helping my family in a way that I don’t even have words to describe. I am beyond grateful that you are willing to put yourself out there and tell your story. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Chase! It is so incredibly reaffirming to know, how not every trans person knew with absolute certanty that they were trans since childhood. (Or at least didn't know the right word for the way they were feeling).
I think I'm currently in a cycle of my own. I'm 27 and I think I have been doing some excessive repressing about my identity. Looking back on the last 15 years, being trans would explain a hell of a lot! But I think I ran out of space to stuff my feelings into. Hearing your story gives me confidence to reach out to my local lgbtq+ community / support to tackle the toppic of being trans.
Thank you so much! For sharing and for being yourself.
All the best
I’m 17 and questioning I think I am non binary but i don’t know how to be sure
Take your time with it! Its okay not to know right away. ^^
Yes, take your time. Just live with the idea for a while and see if it still feels right.
my word of advice for questioning is to not over-think about it for a while, but just be aware of how you respond to thinks like pronouns and being treated like your assigned gender- then from there it will probably be easier to figure out. Wish you luck bud
Ask yourself what you want to experience in life b/c you can actually answer this question and it may help you get to the answer of whether you are binary or not.
Sameeee ugh I thought I was a trans boy and then my dysphoria got really bad and I thought I was Agender and I thought I was a nonbinary boy and I just don't know and I'm having so many problems emotionally right now tbh
I was a tomboy growing up, and I had always struggled with my gender identity. I only had my mom and my sister so I didn’t really know what was going on. It wasn’t until I found you on UA-cam that I knew who I was for the first time, and I just wanted to say thank you.
It's crazy how much your story resonates with me, Chase. Everything you say is everything I'm going through right now. I have been watching your videos since early high school and you the youtuber that helped me realize this wasn't fake in my head. I started college last year and finally stopped going back and forth and have committed to the fact that this is me, it's not disgusting, and I need to live my authentic self without being so riddled with doubt and fear. I love your words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for sharing your story Chase! Also I knew I was transgender when I was in 9th grade when I learned what trans was and I began to cry because I felt like that for years and realized it wasn't just me.
This video helped me so much. I’ve always thought that the back and forth cycling of if I’m trans or not meant that I wasn’t trans. My parents have gaslit me my whole life so I don’t trust my emotions, especially surrounding being trans. This video was very validating for me and that I am trans.
Bro, thank you so much for this video. I am glad to have finally found a video I could somewhat relate to with the repressing emotions part. When I was little, I liked feeling pretty and sometimes wearing dresses. I really liked boys and whenever I had a crush on one, they would immediately know that I liked them. Despite those facts, I have always leaned toward what appealed to me rather than thinking that I had to do girly things because that is what girls do. I always asked for boys toys at McDonald's, played with legos, Lincoln logs, and I loved trains and cars simply because I believed they were fun and offered a more creative outlet to my thoughts than just changing clothes of Barbies. The huge moments in my life where I noticed that something was off was how at the playground or when I was with a boy group, sometimes I would get discriminated against because I was a "girl" and when I started puberty. My self image was great before puberty; I was skinny, average height, and really fast. Then, all of my female friends started growing boobs and the girls were separated from the boys to have a puberty lesson and it kind of scared me. I would look at my chest trying to imagine what it would look like with two huge lumps and it really disgusted me. I'd have to say, running has saved my life because it has kept puberty at bay and made the process really slow. Since boobs are made of fat, my motivation was ignited with running hard so that they wouldn't grow. I figured out the meaning of being transgender from one of my friends. They showed me a UA-cam video of Jammie Dodger transitioning and how awesome that people could feel good in their own skin. I guess you could say I knew this was probably me although I didn't really understand what gender meant to me. The only thing I thought with more research that most trans guys knew because they liked girls and that that was the first sign. I know now that gender and sexuality are completely different, but when I first heard of the word transgender, I took any excuse not to be it. I knew that if I accepted this fate, my life could be so much harder to live so from then on, I tried so hard to suppress these feelings. I wore dresses and skirts almost all of my freshman year, but just like Chase had said in his video, it came back 2X as hard. For the first time in my life, I had gotten a B and an -A the first year of High School. I was extremely depressed and I tried to surround myself with people because I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts. That summer, I went more in-depth with transgender and did intense research. I stopped trying to 'fit in' and I started dressing more masculine. For the first time in a while, I felt better about myself, I started being truthful with myself, got a masculine haircut, and I came out to my friends (Thankfully, they were all supportive). That year, I got all A's both semesters and I wasn't as depressed. As I got older, the puberty was harder to suppress. No matter how hard I ran, I knew my body was going to change. I faced countless nights with dysphoria by my side. The two lumps forming, being called out/discriminated as a 'girl,' but what held me on was the support from my friends. Although I was on and off like cycles of being trans, not, or androgynous, I finally accepted myself for who I was thanks to all of the positivity on UA-cam and Instagram about these topics and started planning out my life in the future. So all in all, although I am way in the preT stage, UA-cam has helped me so much and Thank You to everyone who have been supporting each other and me through hard times it really means a lot.
I have so much fear visiting home next week to talk about my transition with my family (who haven’t been supportive). But wow, I 100% relate to your experiences. It was so comforting to watch this Chase, I really needed it to get my head on straight.
Thank you!!
I went to a transgender panel discussion my first year of college (spring 1999). That's when I finally got the vocabulary to describe how I felt and the very specific way I didn't fit in. I had periodically asked girls in school, would you rather have been born a boy? Because that's how I felt; it was the only way I had to describe it. They would always be horrified and disgusted, so I kept everything else to myself. I only started transitioning in October 2016, because I finally felt safe enough and independent enough to do it, and I felt that pressure of now-or-never. But from 1999 forward, whenever I had the opportunity to identify (forms, surveys, etc.) as transgender, I did so.
I love when you do videos like this and just talk to the camera telling us stories (:
Also, your hair looks super good!!!
I grew up in a catholic school for girls, so i always had to hide myself and try to be a lady. But one day we watched a documentary about trans children on English class, and i made the connection. I googled it and found your channel, your video "FTM-What is dysphoria" was the first o thousands that i watched.
Today is my two year T birthday :)
Thank you so much for this. You are the youtuber who made me finally understand myself. I'm 29 now (birthday was yesterday) but growing up I always felt different. I always chalked it up to my asperger's that I was not relating to girls and felt more comfortable hanging with guys. I hadn't met a trans until I was 24 and that's when I actually started to really question what I was. It got to the point by last fall, I began to ask my trans friends their opinion on how they knew and some got offended I asked and saying they always knew they were. It wasn't until I spoke to one older than me that knew the struggle growing up just being called a tomboy that things really clicked. I've only been slowly coming out the past two months that I am trans and it feels like a weight off my chest. A few friends have been very rude, mainly people from high school years but others have been super supportive. Until I found you a month ago though, I felt like I was the only one who didn't instantly know why I felt different.
When I was a kid I was always a tomboy, I always felt more comfortable in "boy" clothes, when I went through puberty I literally tried to pretend I hadn't started menstruating and I refused to wear anything except a training bra until I physically couldn't avoid getting a "real" bra. I remember in 5th grade we had to do ballroom dancing class to start socializing with the other elementary schools (we had 6 elementary schools go into 1 middle school) and I remember distinctly hating it because I had to wear a dress and I had to wear gloves and I had to wear heels and I had to be called a "lady" and all this other gendered shit. Then in middle school I was bullied so much for being a tomboy that I forced myself to be girly and wear dresses and skirts and stuff but I never felt like me. When I learned about trans people, I knew that wasn't me though because I didn't want to go on T, but I also didn't feel like a girl and I wanted top surgery, but I thought I was just crazy and so I repressed it (lol). Then I met one of my best friends who is non binary, but I was so far in my repression that I didn't take time to process that that was me, until I was in The Addams Family Musical and was cast as Uncle Fester. I remember my director saying "Fester, he does this, wait no she, screw it we're gonna call you they" and ALL of the emotions came back. I didn't truly accept the fact that I'm transmasculine (I identify as a demiboy) until I got to college and met a bunch of other non binary people who were in various phases of transitioning and was like "oh shit. I'm actually really uncomfortable in skirts. and dresses. and don't ever call me a girl. and I hate the term lady. wait, why am I obsessively researching top surgery?". By that point though I was super out and proud, but it took until college to truly understand just how boyish I am. There's probably more but I have severe PTSD relating to childhood bullying so living that #repression life and have a brick wall around childhood memories loooool
I agree. 10 years ago even this was not talked about. When I was growing up being gay was a horrid scandal in my family/town and being trans was unheard of. I knew early on I wasn't "normal" and when I partially cracked the door open the only person who accepted me was my grandmother. I lost friends. Their parents thought I was a bad influence and they were grossed out by me and slightly afraid. I didn't tell my father out of fear of him. My mother said it was a phase and took me to Christian counseling. They put me on antidepressants at 12 years old. A year later I overdosed in a suicide attempt I was so miserable. My grandmother and only support died my junior year of high school. I recanted. My family happily let it go and everyone moved on but me. Instead I buried it all. I still live in ghost mode. I'm too afraid to lose the only good parts about my life. I admire you and anyone brave enough to be themselves.
Honestly I’ve been watching your videos for awhile and I keep coming back to this one. I told my mom once about me being trans and she accepted me but forgot about it and ignored it so now, years later I’m having to try and come out again, but your videos always help me get through it. Thank you Chase!
Since I was really little I was aware of what gay meant and I knew there were "men who dressed as women" which I thought it was just drag queens. Then it wasn't until degrassi that I ever heard the word ftm and trans. I searched on UA-cam and I found this channel when it was just starting. I watched a lot of other UA-camr's as well but they would stop after getting top surgery. You're the only one who kept going. So thank you. It still took me a while to accept it but I always knew.
In 6th grade when no one was at the house I used to bind my chest with ace bandages and put on my brother's clothes (around that time I also entered into a state of depression)
I'm now 3 months on T feeling more confident and myself then I ever have.
I knew I was trans from when I was a young teen, I kept talking about transitioning with my parents and family and friends. But they all kept telling me that I wasn't mature enough to know and specifically my twin (who I love and she is one of the most supportive people now) told me that she would be sad if I "became Aman" she had a lot of dependency and identity problems. So I sat in my little brain and I actually banned myself from owning anything masculine because I just had to make everyone else happy... And the "it coming in waves" is so accurate to my life, it was awful but I ignored it. I am now 25 years old and I am now out. I'm seeking transition and where as I feel I'm starting late, I am very excited to see how everything turns out...
Omg. Listening you you right now is like listening to myself. It’s crazy. Like, I’m recording videos now that I won’t post because I don’t wan my dad to see them. I’m fucking 40 dude. I’ve been going back and forth since I found UA-cam in 2005-ish. Ugh, I wish that I could talk to you about this. I am one week on T. I couldn’t wait anymore. I knew that if I waited that it was just a sleeping giant that was going to wake up again. Thank you for posting this. Thank you so much
Just sat through a 4 minute ad to watch this video. totally worth it.
That back and forth cycle, with the suppression and the increased distress each time it resurfaces, and that awful moment when you give in and realize, "Oh fuck, I have to deal with this"...Holy. Shit. Yes. Exactly all of that, word for word. It is amazing and so validating to hear someone else describe my own experience down the the smallest detail. My Oh Fuck moment happened later in my life than yours (I'm 38) but it finally happened, and as much as I am terrified I am also so goddamn relieved.
How did I know I was trans? I didn't only a few months ago. I was in a cycle of extreme discomfort regarding my hair. I had shaved my head for charity back in 2016. I was trying to grow it out after, and by 6 months, I couldn't how it looked. I grabbed my clippers and shaved it all off again. Another 6 months, and shaved it all off again, with worse discomfort over it growing back. Then I thought, why do I hate my hair so much? I used to love growing my hair long, and I thought it was my best physical feature.
For me, hair was very feminizing. I used to grow it as long as I could, and a decade ago I started cutting it, shorter and shorter each time. I wanted super short, but was afraid of looking butch, I wanted so bad to look feminine, to finally fit in with women. And it hit me- I didn;t like my hair feminizing me. And then... "Dear God, what if I'm trans?!"
Follow with a month of crying, soul searching, denial, youtube videos about how to tell if you're transgender. I didn't to be trans. At this point in US culture, transgender people are so low on the ladder, I didn't want to deal with any of the added drama of coming out.
But I realized there were certain behaviors I exhibited as a child, from not liking dresses to craving toys in the boy aisle at the store, to being sad about the boys rejecting me for playtime simply because I was a girl. I never looked like a boy, never went against mom's etiquette corrections. Did what I could to not look masculine. But by October 2017, I realized I'm not cis, and I started looking into transitioning.
I've still got my lesbian wardrobe (plaid flannel, logo tee, and basic jeans), my hair is shaved minus a tuft at the top for fun, I have a gender therapist, and I've socially changed my name, though not legally yet. I have accepted that I never felt I fit in because my body does not present as I feel, and I am okay with being a citizen in a global human rights shift. I look forward to starting T, and I plan to legally change my name and gender marker this year.
Chase is one of many transgender youtubers I follow who have helped me start this journey, there was no "one moment" for me, really. There was a lot of tears and thought. It took me into my late 30's to dig up what I'd hid my whole life, and this community has been a huge help. Much gratitude to everyone who has shared their journey.
I wasn't anything when I was a kid. Like I didn't play with dolls but my brother didn't let me play with his legos. I wore whatever people bought me until I was 15. I got pissed off when people insulted me by saying I did stuff "like a girl" or told me to act "like a lady" but I wasn't a feminist either. I honestly didn't know what transgender was until one of my friends came out to me and in my brain something lit up. And that's when I _started figuring out I was ftm trans_ and I still am figuring it out more and more over 3 years later.
Those last few minutes of this video are so real. You’re phenomenal!
Maaaan, I'm so glad for your video. I've been repressing most of my feelings for years. These (sometimes obsessive) thoughts of 'Am I trans or not' have been coming and going for... 15 years. I begin to realize that this is making me a wreck. This video made another piece 'click' for me in this whole self-discovery machinery.
Just hearing this makes me feel not so alone...I had a bad experience (among many) yesterday where some of my family was saying very transphobic things and just not listening to me when I was trying to explain something and I think I was having a panic attack in the car...I felt so alone,like I'm the only one like me,like there's no life out there for me as someone who is trans & non binary.This made me feel a little bit better Chase ❤️ I'm feeling slightly better...thank you
I rather not explain how I knew because that's to long (and I'm not in the best mental state to explain) but a short answer would be I knew I wasn't what everyone was saying I was (a women,I was afab) from a young age (like 7-8 is when I started questioning & knew) then repressed it for years because puberty took over etc then it came right back...
Hey chase, thanks for showing us that it’s ok to take your time and go back and forth until you figure things out for sure. I though that I was trans for 5 years and had pretty substantial dysphoria on and off. After 5 years, it’s mostly subsided. It’s still there sometimes, like when I’m trying to fit into men’s clothing and it won’t work for my female body, but it’s not nearly as bad as it once was, like when I couldn’t even take my shirt off during sex. I’m not sure exactly sure why/how it went away. I know that part of it was that I started valuing my body as what it does for me (keeps me alive and makes me feel good in so many ways) versus how it was being perceived/gendered by the world. Easier said than done, which is why it took my so many years, but I’m really glad that I took my time figuring things out while I lived in the “grey area”. It’s nice knowing that taking your time and trying out a bunch of things allowed you to become solidified in your identity. I feel similarly, we just happened to have different outcomes. Anyways, thanks for the video!
Your hair is on point, Chase!
I'm older than you (by over 10 years), and yeah, there were no representation or anything of trans men on tv or online, etc. My only knowledge of trans anything was the trans women that were on talk shows like Jerry Springer (ugh; my stepdad watched that all the time).
In my early 20s is when I began questioning my gender. I had a DSM-IV at home and came across "Gender Identity Disorder" and realized that I probably had that....BUT, for some weird reason, I didn't think "women" could have "gender identity disorder," and so I thought something was wrong with me. It also didn't click for me that people who are trans were the ones who were "diagnosed" with "gender identity disorder."
A few years alter, I came across the term genderqueer, and came out to only a few friends (and my husband) as genderqueer...that felt safer than acknowledging I was trans. It was only after a lot of back and forth the last few years that I finally accepted that I am a trans guy.....but still have not transitioned (not sure I will) because of my husband. :( He's not very supportive.
Honestly, if your husband isn't supportive, why do you even stay with him? Wether you decide to transition or not, you deserve better than that! And remember that loving someone means supporting them no matter what. If your husband isn't supportive he probably doesn't really love you. And as I said... you deserve better than that.
I'm only 16....i had such a sheltered childhood that I had no idea what any part of the LGBTQ community was till about three years ago. Once I found this I was able to find people like you and Ty Turner and Miles McKenna,,,I had always been a tomboy but the day I found out what transgender was I could not have been happier. It took me about a year to accept myself. I told a friend about two years ago and that was what kinda locked this in for me....he was so okay with it and has helped me thru so much,he will even call me his brother sometimes and it's so amazing. This story is all over the place. Sorry. But I'm out to most of my friends and a few teachers at school but am still closeted from my parents but im okay living a double life. Ive now become the "father" for three other young ftms at my school and i csnt wait to help and watch them grow. Much love being sent to all💙
I realised I was trans in 2002 after reading the synopsis of Boys don’t cry in the TV guide. I was around 13 at the time and secretly snuck up to watch it in the early hours and stuck the subtitles on. The film resonated with me so much, I realised that was me too. The only problem was the ending was so traumatic that I felt I needed to keep my identity a secret or the same would happen to me. Luckily my family are accepting of me and at least in many parts of the world, times are changing.
Thank you so much for being transparent. I could really relate to the pain the struggle wanting to wear boys clothing all the time and your dad just not accepting any of it that was really really tough. Thank you Chase for your willingness to tell this part of your story
Thank you so much Chase. I really needed this video. I'm non-binary and I've only really just come out. I'm still having a really hard time with it. Definitely going back and forth with the dysphoria just like you did. I'm really glad I'm not alone.
I knew thanks to the drag kings when I was 18. One thing led me to discover another!
I "cross dressed" and bound my chest with like camisole tank tops and when I looked in the mirror, nothing "clicked" or anything. I just felt comfortable. I've always felt like something was off with me or like I'm in drag, I guess, but in that moment, I just felt... Normal. After that, I realized that being seen as a guy had never been uncomfortable and slowly realized that being seen as a girl had always felt off in a way I couldn't explain, at the time.
I'm having difficulty with the knowing right now and it's getting kind of frustrating like, I'm 32 freaking years old, shouldn't I have some kind of clue about my gender identity by now?
That's okay, dear. I didn't realize I was trans until I was 47...well, I knew at 5 but I suppressed it until 47.
I realized I was trans not to long ago actually (3 weeks ago) when I was little I acted like a girl, but wanted to be seen as a boy. I hanged out with them and they never said I had “cuties” like the other girls. Puberty was literally shocking for me. I cried for days when the monthly started and I even wrote in my journal that I wanted to be a boy and that I wanted to change genders. I was confused back then. I didn’t know what “transgender” meant. I just thought I’m a boy, not a girl and I wanted to yell at my family and say I’m not a girl! whenever they said something like “that’s not lady like”.
Last year (freshmen year) these all emotions and thoughts resurfaced. I didn’t know who I was and I dove head first into self discovery. Lucky their was on trans guy at school who kinda helped me. I told him that I wanted my breast gone and had subconscious conversations with a “surgeon” about removing my breasts when I was younger. I watched a bunch of your videos and some other ones. One of which said:
Imagine you’re on an island. You have the choice of transitioning or not. I finally said screw it. I know this is what’s gonna make me happy. I’ve been so depressed sense puberty as Ive been so confused about myself. I’m transgender. That was three weeks ago, and though I haven’t come out yet I feel 1000x better about myself.
A bit off topic, but you have one supporter here for those dogs. I believe what Caesar Milan says, "There are no bad dogs, just bad owners." Some people shouldn't have animals, especially if they make them mean.
@ Jacob Proudheart Please refrain from making comments on a subject you obviously don't understand. A lot of times surgery is the only thing that keeps a person from killing themselves because of the mental stress this causes. And some people can't deal with other things, like the mole you mentioned. If someone committing suicide is okay with you, I'M not okay with YOU. Either accept the way people feel or bugger off. Some things affect people emotionally and it's not always dysphoria.I don't always agree with how people think, but that's not for me, or you, to decide which feeling to validate. Either agree and support or say nothing.
ell keyy hey !! This isn’t for you to decide.
Straight cis girl here. I just wanted to tell you how interesting and valuable I find your insights. I have so much respect for you and your courage in sharing so much about your life. It's inspiring just to listen to someone be so vulnerable and honest and I'm really proud of you!
Side note, if your channel is permanently crippled or deleted (especially during Pride month, wtf?), IMA BE PISSED. I'll do whatever I can to help you.
It's a bit comforting to hear other trans people who kept changing their mind. I came out as a trans boy when I was 12. I was also dealing with bad depression and ptsd at the time, and later in my teens as my mental health got way better, my dysphoria also decreased to the point where I thought I wasn't trans anymore (I also had internalized a bunch of transphobic ideas and felt horrible about how miserable my parents seemed to be around me, so the thought that I could "go back to being normal" was very appealing to me).
Over time, I began to realize that going back to a female identity was making me dissociate and although the dysphoria wasn't nearly as severe as it was, it wore me down over the two years of gender suppression. Yesterday was my breaking point when I realized I truly am suppressing my gender just so that I can have a better relationship with my parents. But I already "took back" my coming out, and my parents are so happy and used to me being their daughter again, so I'm really scared and unsure of what to do. I'm taking my time, but even with time I don't know how I can come out to them again. Yet I know I'll have to, because ultimately me living a happy life is more important. It's been a rough couple of days...
I love you chase! I’m so glad i found your channel, you are so real and funny! I love your story. I love who you are as a human. ❤️
I don't have a moment that I figured it I was trans, but I have a moment I figured out that I wasn't. I tracked my feelings of gender along with my PTSD symptoms and figured out that my feelings of being agender were actually due to my times of dissociation. I worry that sometimes people will use stories like mine to invalidate experiences of others.
Genderflux/genderfluid is also a thing. You're allowed to have differing feelings and identify differently at different times, or have your presentation not match your gender identity/identities.
Thank you for making this video. I relate to your experience a lot and thank you for putting your story out there.
I realisered that I was trans when I saw a show that interviewed three Trans people on the day of trans remembrance, they talked about how they felt before and after transitioning, but also the harassment they went through, I was home alone when it all made sense, and when my mother and sister came home, I dared not tell them
You have help me so so much to come to terms with being trans! I have an appointment on Feb 27th finally to start T!!!!! Thank you so so much ❤️❤️
this video gave me like 7 epiphanies. Thanks btw ur vids give me (a young trans) so much needed information and direction
How I knew I was trans was acctually you. I heard about you and went oh my God. This is who I am.
I don't exactly identify as trans, but when I was very little, I used to wish I was a boy because, like you, I always played with the boys, playing with trucks, climbing trees, playing floor hockey and I love tractors. Not to mention my hate for dolls and pink. Eventually I threw myself into everything girly and tried to fit in. It didn't really work, but as I grew into the teens, I knew I didn't want to be a boy anymore. It took me a while, but once I found out that non-binary people and demigirls exist, I feel like I fit under that. The pressures I gave into in hopes of fitting the typical girl mold in my very tiny school and Christian circle have kind of come back to bite me, so I'm almost 2 different people depending on my location and who I'm with. I do have accepting friends, and that's the main thing. My hobby being cosplay, I like to explore gender through that too.
"If you repress things it's just gonna come back full force" is the most true shit, everyone, especially trans youth, need to hear this.
Very important video. As always salute your courage, depth and selflesness. ❤❤❤
I'm 18 and over a year ago I just had a realisation that I was nonbinary just everything clicked and it's been on my mind all the time since then and I've tried to ignore it but I can't anymore bc like you said whenever I repress it it just comes back harder and Ik I have to do something about it in order to move on with my life and I gotta start socially transitioning and wearing I binder bc the fact I'm not is slowly killing me inside :)
i’m nonbinary. i had a whole lot of confusion growing up. i hated being called a girl. i hated dresses. i hated having to wear girly clothes. i was a huge tomboy growing up. i always knew what a trans person was because my aunt is a trans woman (love her to death.) so i had been exposed to that at a very early age. i always felt connected to her, but couldn’t place why. i’d question “am i a guy?” and immediately would think “god, no. guess i MUST be a girl. ugh, ew.” so i went through that for YEARS. i used to dress really masc, and a lot of people thought i was a guy. then i started to overperform femininity hardcore. “not a guy so i guess i’ll just really throw myself into this girl thing!” and god, i hated it. then one day, i met someone who used they/them pronouns. and fuck, did it click. there was more options!!!!!! and i’m one of those!!!!!!!!!! now i’m fully out in college, and i still struggle a lot. it’s hard to have to tell people your pronouns over and over again. it’s hard when people see your gender as a complete joke. but the people who get it right... are so wonderful. i feel so good when i hear someone referring to me as they/them. and i still have doubts because of those good ol’ transphobes and TERFS, but i always come back to this is who i am regardless of what they think.
Didn't even have to read your whole comment to know you're a dumbass, just read the first sentence.
Oh my fuck that and the comment below is hilarious.
i’m also nonbinary!! i use he/him and kei/keir. i’m so glad you’ve found out who you are :)
(Not regarding the content of the video) I was feeling a bit sad and anxious and just hearing your voice and the happiness in it made me feel a lot better
Every time I feel sad, Chase makes me feel better :)
Love this. Also, did anyone else notice the orb in the bottom right corner at 5:32?!
Hailey Hanson probably a car driving by and the light reflecting.
I am a mom of two girls and I just want to hug you and let you know that it will be all ok. I just want to wrap my motherly arms around you to let you feel the love and acceptance. My heart goes out to you ... I wish that you did not have to go through all that uncertainty in an already difficult teenage time - I wish I was there to support you.
This video is so real and this is the place I’m in now...to repress or not is the question. I didn’t fully know anything about my gender until I moved across the country (US) by myself and started a new job. Day one of orientation we were told to introduce ourselves with our name and pronouns. I was 29 and had never been asked what my pronouns were. But in that moment, in front of 30 new people and my new boss I was just I don’t know what they are for me. There was a lot of panic and fear but I’ve taken the last 5 months to finally really look at who I am and answer those questions. But I struggle with being a professional and a teacher and how to navigate all of it. To be hidden and safe at work or to be visible and a trail blazer for my students?
Thank you for sharing your story! You are awesome, Chase :)
When I was a kid I would ask myself sometimes "Why am I not a boy ?". And I always tried to do what society expected from me but I would feel embarassed or uncomfortable so I just stopped. I knew being trans was a thing like 3 years ago but I didn't get it that much. Then I learned what being nb was 18 months ago and I was way more interested but I couldn't understand why. Then I learned that fluidity was a thing and I started to tell myself "Oh yeah that's me. Sometimes I feel like a guy but most times I'm a girl." I started questioning a month later and came out several times as some kind of genderfluid. The first time was seven months ago. I can't really grasp my gender identity yet, but I feel like nb boy is an effective label and I don't need anything else
I don't get it. Non-binary boy? Isn't that the purpose of the non-binary definitioin, feeling like neither and/or both? So, nb boy? Am I missiing something?
SRWill64 Well, my gender is really, really hard to define. The best term I found to define it is "boyflux" which means I'm a boy but my gender is fluid in intensity. Like sometimes I'm 100% a boy, sometimes I'm demiboy and sometimes I'm agender. And I feel like nb boy is a good way to acknowledge that I'm both nb and on the masc spectrum
Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining that. I wasn't doubting how you define yourself, just confused. I know what it's like to have someone tell you who you are and no one has the right to do that. We all get to decide for ourselves.