How to date with a disorganized attachment style
Вставка
- Опубліковано 17 лют 2024
- Disorganized attachment is a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It stems from a childhood where the caretakers couldn't be counted on, and were also, at some level, abusive.
This person has learned that connection isn't regularly available, and, when they do get it, it might be unsafe anyway.
I'm going to show you how this push/pull relationship type plays out in dating and what to do about it - whether you're dating as a disorganized, or you're dating someone who is disorganized.
Understanding Attachment Workshop
www.jasonvr.com/understanding...
Get my New Book, Get Past Your Past
amzn.to/3PsrC0Y
Connect with me:
Instagram: / jason.vanruler
website at www.jasonvr.com/connect
For more relationship tips that actually work, subscribe to the channel: ua-cam.com/users/Jasonvrcoun...
If anyone else with DA is watching this and made the unfortunate mistake of reading the comments from blessed children that weren't abused, take a breath. They don't speak for everyone and they have their own underlying issues for looking down on those less fortunate. You have been through hell. You will continue to go through hell. You've got a hell of a lot more work to do for love, and that will make your love more worth it and so much stronger than others. Hang in there. When you find that securely attached person that works with you, doesn't even give you the chance to act crazy, and shows you what real love is... you'll realize you weren't the problem. You were a victim. Maybe you still are. But you heal. You work for it, you seek help. That is why you are here. You are trying. Some people don't have to try, so they never apppreciate the gravity of what it is to achieve love after trauma. To never stop working to improve yourself because you know what you want. So, don't give up. Don't ever be discouraged. Onto the next video, onto the next article, whatever it takes.
Thank you. You made me cry. I'm already a good ways on my healing journey, but that was exactly what I needed to hear as I'm in the midst of a rough day with my toddler. I had just entered the comment section and saw some of those comments right before I saw your comment. Much love and hugs to you on your healing journey as well. ❤
Thank you so much for saying what so many of us need to hear (and want to say!)
Thank you ❤
At 48 i just learned why i always craved intimacy but am terrified of it. Sad to see how it has affected my life but happy i finally know so i can work on it.
Kudos
I have this. First I'm madly in love with someone next thing i know i can't stand them anymore and want them gone even from my memory
Started counseling, he is an avoidant, I'm secure attachment. 5 months of roller coaster, all long distance, both late 50's. Both took a decade off from relationships/dating. I'm investing because I think he's worth it & the pro's outweigh the con's. Not giving up.
I feel like when I started dating my current gf (8yrs and now my fiance ce) I was securing attached to begin with, then after a year or so, it was clear to me that she is a DA. This combined with life stresses brought me into being a AP. After years of attempting and failing to get her to open up & us to be closer, I'm definitely on this disorganized attachment spectrum.
It's not that I don't want us to be closer, it's that I'm out of ideas.. like a kicked puppy.. I just shutdown & avoid anything meaningful. I'm essentially worn down to nothing with nothing else to give. -JSFG / Afterthought
Enmeshment. Check out Heidi Priebe, she has great videos on the topic.
I know you love this person, but you're not married yet. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this other person improving at all or working to meet your needs as you endlessly try to meet theirs?
Ouch, that sounds painful and you deserve so better. You are having a tough time leaving not the person you e described, but the one you created in your head that you think she is or will be. No reason to get married until you accept what you wrote is your reality.
Leave, before it's too late. Do not get married if you don't want a life time of the problematic behaviour. You said you was a secure attachment, now this girl's turned you avoidant? My love, the writing is on the wall.... Exit stage left ⬅️
Love should heal you, not make you sick.
Thank yu man that really helps
Very said!
thanks man 🙏
They are most highly at risk of developing codependency. So long as their partner is not being narcissistic, and being patient and consistent and stable and committed, and know and are supportive of their individual interests and family and friend relationships instead of trying to push/drag them to bond only through their own interests/hobbies/passions, things will improve.
Or if you’re me as an DA, the easiest step is don’t bother thinking about dating/marriage.
Can’t pass on the baggage/trauma to anyone else, no toxic relationships, and you live a stress free life.
Yes. I can't take it anymore. I'd rather be alone. All the work I have done to change hasn't made anything easier or better in relationships. I just get out faster because I am less toxic so I don't hold people to my side anymore. I just let them go.
That’s kinda what I’m doing right now😂 It could also be cuz of my last relationship with a narcissist. Now my trust issue worsen than ever 🤪
This applies to deep friendships, too? Or only when some level of emotional bonding gets involved?
Doesn't really sound stress free tbf.
Additionally, I think I can overcome my traume and all of it's consequences, at least to a point where I can have a meaningful, happy and , fulfilling relationship.
No, you will not live a stress-free life. Not only do you not have another person to split your mental load or to bounce ideas off, and not only are you missing out on richer aspects of human life, you will also live a shorter life. A lonely life is the equivalent of smoking 12 cigarettes a day, and the GABA-release pathway (which comes from oxytocin bonding) is unavailable to you.
The "cope" way is to don't bother. The courageous way is to face down your trauma and do somthing about it.
Just don't. :(
Maybe you're right ... But I have this attachement style, I'll work a lot on it, and I hope I find at last a beautiful, stable, very long-term relationship
@@adelacelleall the best to you. 🙏
I hear you! I’m secure but was sating an FA, it’s not cool :(
@@dominiquecadet5976 FA is the toughest one. You are dealing with two people at the same time, one Anxious, one avoidant. In my experience they appear as secure first, with some anxious tendencies (often telling you to not leave them), then finally shift into their avoidant side, which often is surprisingly strong towards DA. Also I believe many FAs had some really intense and devastating experiences in their lives, family tragedy, severe abuse... it's a bit more than just a parent being a somewhat neglectful or not always being there for them.
They're problematic and toxic especially to secure attachment people. Don't ask questions just slip away if you know their behaviour is not 🚫 for you. Then watch videos that expose their behaviour and take notes so you can discern the next person you date well. If you're not careful you'll be turned into an avoidant by trying to have a relationship, or you could become anxious. I've dogged both now I understand their behaviour better and I try to have a friendship only, I don't want my peace disturbed constantly, but I want to understand so I know who to date and who to turn away sooner rather than later. You've been warned, especially secure attachment people just because we can deal with avoidant people does not mean we should always and risk our own sanity, they must get therapy and do the work. Let them date each other or not at all, we are not door mats with endless empathy for their behaviour.
Exactly! Hear! Hear! These avoidants are low key narcissists, I'm telling you! You could be as secure as they come, with double padlocks and CCTV, they will turn you anxious just by the sheer nature of the push/pull game they play. Nah, I'm not buying it sorry. They're not worth it, they're not 'THAT' special. And besides most are boring. Really, really boring!
@@HippieZippy That's... disgusting.
I agree, avoidant behaviour is disgusting.....
No, sorry. You misunderstood. I meant everything you've said here is really disgusting. The lack of empathy especially. I'm really sorry about whoever hurt you enough to come here and start taking it out on the people this video was meant to help. But I think you should find professional help and learn to heal and forgive.
@meli4329 I'm fully aware of the meaning or intent behind the comment. And I'm unapologetic about what I wrote. That's because it's true. I do have empathy, I really do. However, the hurt and pain inflicted on others by avoidants are simply unacceptable!
"Sometimes they act up?" In other words, they're disrespectful and rude and will treat you look crap? I'm sorry, whilst there may be underlying trauma , it does not give anyone a right or justification to treat another human being badly. The thing is dismissive avoidants or disorganised individuals know exactly what they're doing. They come across as nice in the initial stages of the relationship, then pull away. You say it's due to them feeling 'unsafe', but as soon as the other person pulls back, they start being nice! It's all very childlike to me. And unsafe gives one the impression that the person they're in a relationship with has suddenly morphed into a scary character from a horror movie, dripping with blood, looking for their next victim. They're not children anymore! Rather, they're adults who now live in the real world. We all should take accountability for how we behave and treat others. I do believe they know this deep down.
Unsafe is a misnomer; I'd say overwhelmed is better. Avoidants show attachment by granting space. So when you cling, we distance ourselves because we don't show our feelings like that. It's not that we're ignoring, but that we simply don't appreciate the gesture; because when we do care, we respect you by the value of the space between us. Of course, there must always be a balance, and we can adapt to please our partner, but this is not something that comes natural to us and so it will always carry a cost and we will need time away from you to recover. You must understand this going in with an avoidant. Those are the rules, so accept them or find another partner. It's very simple.
@@dontforget3113 I agree that everyone has a choice and that we can simply accept it or not. And I thank you for elaborating further, and in actual fact , using the word 'overwhelmed ' seems in my mind to be more logical. You said that "avoidants need time away." How much would you consider enough time? Is sending a text message twice a week to check in and say hello too much,? I'm not being facetious here, I'm genuinely curious. I know an avoidant, I would say is probably FA, & so I'm genuinely interested.
@@HippieZippy Oh, you're welcome! It's always nice to see some genuine interest. To your question, maybe reframe it like this: instead of asking "how much" or "too often," think "what tone?" Frequency is less important than motive when it comes to avoidants, and this is because avoidants generally despise open ended or nebulous requests. Things like: "How have you been?" "Where have you been?" "What have you been doing?" "Hello?" These fill our minds with many questions about intent; people become avoidant by dealing with a violation of personal boundaries or absenteeism, and because of this experience, we have learned to always consider the worst-case scenario in people's behavior. Because of this, we prefer a close ended observation, something that demonstrates a clear knowledge of our likes or dislikes or a communication that clarifies a specific intention. "I was thinking of you!" "Check this out, it reminded me of you." "I'm heading out to do x or y on Thursday - it's an open invitation. Maybe I'll see you there!" And of course, non-sequitur memes, shit posts, and humor is welcome as well; random interest in things we have a passion for is also enjoyable. To summarize, when the tone is warm and personal, it is welcome, even if the frequency is high. In the beginning, I would advise 1-2 communications every other week until you can establish a new dynamic. Good luck!
@@dontforget3113 I guess I can finally throw out the "just be yourself" advice we keep hearing from women, SMH...
@@Lukearthwalker Straight into the trash, my bro; that mess is just a test - and a trap - ferreting out your true nature and exposing vulnerability. "Don't complain. Don't explain" is much better.