ADHD + Emotional Dysregulation 🙁 Why we're so hard on ourselves
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
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ADHD + emotional dysregulation show up together a lot (unfortunately). If you've ever found yourself frozen... like, unable to do anything, because you were upset or even just overwhelmed with excitement, then you've experienced emotional dysregulation and it can be a challenge to deal with - whether you have ADHD or not.
In this video, I'm sharing some of the struggles that members of this ADHD community have shared with me about their emotional dysregulation, and how I've learned to manage my own emotional disregulation in my own life.
Whether you're dealing with losing track of time or feeling like a failure, I've got tips and advice to help you stay calm, centered, and focused. So if you're ready to take control of your ADHD and feel more empowered in your life, then hit that play button and let's get started!
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click here to sign up for my email and also snag the needs assessment👉 itsadhdfriendly.com/tools/
Hi Caren - I don't see a link to the needs assessment and can't find it on your site. I just see a Goals worksheet.
And thanks for all of your videos! They really are helping me. I was Dxed last year at 61.
On a random day I’ll be happy and doing fine…and then in a short amount of time my mood starts to drop even though it was untriggered…. Pretty soon I’m an emotional mess after I’ve realized I’ve been subconsciously telling myself that I’m worthless….That everything about me is undesirable and that the world wasn’t made for people like me. I beat myself into a pulp and then I can’t stop the sad emotions going through me and I break down. It ruins my day. It almost ruins my whole life. This just sucks and is so hard to deal with. The worst part is that I have many good things in my life and I can’t get my stupid brain to focus on those happy things. Tears just flow endlessly…
It makes me so mad at the world. It all feels so unfair.
Unfortunately I feel like this also 😢
I felt that way a lot as a child and teen & it lead me to dealing with anger/hatred of myself + suicidal depression back then, thinking "all I do is mess up" and "everyone would be better off if I was gone". In my teenaged years a friend of mine helped me realize that learning to conquer those emotions demonstrated more strength than giving up. And I was bound and determined to prove I was was stronger than the negative internal monologue.
I had no idea back then that depression was so interconnected with the ADHD I had been diagnosed with as a teen. With all the information I'm just now learning at 39 yrs old about ADHD, so many of my lifelong struggles makes sense now.
Add to all of that the facts that I'm married to an ADHD-diagnosed husband. Together we have an ADHD-diagnosed 18 yr old son & a 5 yr old daughter who needs to be tested for it. That's a lot of emotional dysregulation running rampant in our household.
The emotional struggles are REAL.
@@daemonikkateylarii9731 Thanks for sharing. I have a similar situation. I am 44, and have a 17 y.o. Son and an 8 y.o. Daughter Who both show struggles with adhd as well. I can relate. I appreciate you sharing your story with me. 🙂
I feel the same, one minute i'm laughing the next crying in a corner with that voice telling me how useless and inadequate i am.
I just turned 63 and I have not been officially diagnosed, but I realized that I was ADHD, when one of my children was diagnosed at an early age. The psychologist that diagnosed my child help me read a list of symptoms, to see how many I could relate to, as I read the list I thought I was reading a symptom list of my life. Anyways, fast forward to now and this podcast has just brought me to tears realizing that so much you wouldn’t be feeling it’s not just me or my post menopause but it’s also my ADHD. I have been fighting failure, the fear of failure, all of my life. Performance anxiety with every new job. Fear of people being angry at me fear disapproval. Sorry for the tirade. And I’m on the verge of facing another life change huge decision, whether or not I’m going to pursue a new career at my age and I’m doubting every step because I think I’m stupid.
I can relate to everything you just said. I'd encourage you to grab a piece of paper and a pen and write down 100 accomplishments you've made in your life, from learning how to walk, to making humans and raising them. You're not seeing your worth, but it's there. When you start focusing on everything you've done well, you'll have more self-trust. You deserve your own support. 😘
Hey, I read your comment and I just wanted to let you know I´m rooting for you. I hope whatever you choose to do, helps you find something that makes you feel more fulfilled and happier with yourself. It´s also valid to just try and see if it makes you feel good, and it it doesn´t, you haven´t made a mistake by trying it, you discovered something new about yourself (but don´t give up because of mere frustration, push a little too :) )
Big hugs. Go for it. You are not stupid. You are awesome. I know this, and we haven’t even met! I’m 56, your story sound like mine, in so many ways. Thanks for sharing so honestly. ❤
I felt exactly the same! Go for it - have faith in yourself!
Can you tell me how you can get assessed for ADD or ADHD?
I’m struggling with prioritizing and procrastination not procrastinating exactly but absolutely overwhelmed
I'm struggling with other people's procrastination as I try to stop curtail my own procrastination... 😢
The strangest thing, weekends are by far the worst for me. Not having work to anchor me/take up much of my day is tough. On the weekend I feel I’m thinking about everything I should do and everything I don’t like about my house and myself etc I feel overwhelmed, anxious, scattered - all while I should be enjoying time with my kids and wife. I suffer a lot inside.
Same! The structure at work really helps but then the blank canvas and not knowing where to start leaves a lot of room for spinning out and getting stuck. I get it.
I had a lovely epiphany the other day - I was waiting for someone to help me at the store and I started to feel overwhelmed with a sense that everyone was staring at me (which brought up feelings of being judged). I used to perform a lot (dance and music) and I thought to myself "I'm not on stage right now!" I took a couple of deep breaths and quickly felt the feelings of judgment go down. I was able to actually look around and see that no one was looking at me - they were all focused on their own problems. It definitely helps me when I can become aware of myself - what I'm feeling and how I got there - so I can regulate myself ❤
The combination ADHD and perimenopause is literally hell… for me anyway…. NOOOOO energy for anything, more anxiety than ever and feeling of complete failure…. Everything seems so much harder nowadays than before…. 😩
Same for me 🙏💗 that’s not your identity.. it’s ok to feel defeated however you are not a failure. One little step at a time. Berberine, high protein diet (no sugar, dairy, gluten) it all has helped tremendously. Day & night difference. Jesus will help you! Rest in Him.
@@andreaycharlie thankyou 🙏🏻❤️
Get HRT, it's a total game changer. I am almost 'normal' since I started. The cancer research turned out to be total BS as is often the case.
To the letter-writer: move into the extra bedroom if you have one! And take your decor with you to make it your own space!
I’m struggling with ADHD paralysis
I get my bag ready the night before- I charge all my devices and power bank, check if I have enough cash and double check if all my credit cards or debit cards are still in my wallet ( you never know ;)
I also, clean out my bag every night because I tend to just throw random things in it during the day.. sugar packets, napkins, straws, receipts etc 😅
If I need to bring something like my lunch or water bottle - I write myself a note the night before and put it on top of my bag 📝🤓 so I don’t forget.
I know myself, so even though I prep my things the night before I still need 1 hr to leave the house and give myself and extra 30 min to get to wherever I’m going because I hate stressing about being late ⏰ 😎
About a year ago I got really serious about not being "a shitty human being that fucks up everything he touches and whose life is a total mess that he is, despite great talents, unable to get into shape" and started telling myself that "I'm a normal person, with my suite of problems who deserves to be better and have a better life." Unfortunately, I have outright been told by my wife that "I know you think this is an improvement, but I don't." So, be prepared to find out the real nature of your relationships if you ever decide to "show up" as yourself.
That's such a harsh thing to say to someone you supposedly love. Maybe your wife needs therapy, better communication skills, or just needs to think before she speaks. Or maybe you need a divorce...her speaking to you like that isn't right. I understand people get frustrated, but she could have said things in a more caring way instead of making you feel bad that your efforts were worthless in her eyes.
Be proud of every little improvement regardless if it's enough for her.
Keep working on yourself. If your wife is not being supportive he may need to seek some counseling and find you another resource for good support. Everyday is a new day and as long as you're doing something you're making improvements.
Yep, I couldn't help but think that throughout this whole video, I've seen that partner reaction a ton online when the adhd person starts to speak up..
Thank you for this video. I feel the same one minute laughing then the next crying and listening to that voice saying how useless and inadequate i am.
I relate to the first story so much, only I have a 4 year old child, and I’m only 27. I have anxiety and depression, I’m late for work more often than I clock in on time and I’m constantly anxious and stressed about it and it makes me feel like a failure. Like I can’t get my life together and it depresses me even more.
I also had a routine and things I did to help me sleep at night and now that I’m living with my fiancé he can’t sleep when I do those things, so that’s changed and my sleep schedule is screwed. I also work evening shift and don’t get home until midnight or later, and I really wish I could just fix it all, and feel like a normal adult human who functions properly.
Oh and my house is beyond cluttered…
Wow, I’m a man but that first woman’s letter is very much what I experience.
Emotional dysfunction 😢
Hyper activity 😢
I cant get to work on time im meant to start at 8am but i get to the office at 9h30😢
Atleast my boss undestand 😅
I get drained after being hyper
Anxiety when i sense rejection 😢
I'm great at sensing and I always think when people are quiet ITS ME OR ITS AGAINST ME😢
Diagnosed at 30 and I'm so glad I've found you. I'm not broken!
Wow, this first person you are talking about with the lateness to work, the inability to wake up easy, partner not understanding.... sounds like me to a T!! My boss has made snide comments like "the other girls get here early." I've been late since I started this job and even asked about a flexible schedule when I got hired. Been here 2 years, but it doesn't stop my boss from throwing shade my way with her energy.
"The other girls" says a lot about your boss to begin with. Best of luck. I can't get to work in time ever. Been at my job 16 years, 15 minutes from my house. We will persevere
TIME BLINDNESS!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I was diagnosed with ADHD last year at 53 - just found your podcast & love your positive hopeful thoughts. I like how you explain the why’s too, especially this episode. I could totally relate!! Thank you!
I just had my autism assessment on Monday. I will be getting the answers soon. The more I learn about autism and adha. I say that’s me. I just turned 45 today. I’m struggling on how to say all my feelings.
I'm 57 and a mental health professional; diagnosed ADHD in my early 30's, had no idea I was probably on the spectrum as well - well, ADHD is on the neurodiversity spectrum, but yeah, the autism. Wife was diagnosed a coulple years ago - I learned how terribly unaware and ignorant we in the field are about autism, and the high percentage of us dually diagnosed, or not.
Your channel is so valuable and appreciated. I'm understanding myself in a much healthier mindset. Waiting on my ADHD diagnosis confirmation because I did score pretty high.
I'm realizing how much of my life is a mix of this and PTSD. Then after the 'Rona all the symptoms got heightened to the point I definitely needed professional help.
Wishing everyone the best and that we all find methods that help us function as well as people who understand and support us.
I am 43 and I feel like Bruce Banner. I am always angry.
I am always one small inconvenience away from Hulking out. I don't get violent. I will start being rough with inanimate objects, I get quite. My body goes hot and I start dripping sweat.
I ruminate on the inconvenience that set me off and how I am always falling short of goals and life in general.
I am also always in a hurry for no reason.
That song I'm In A Hurry by Alabama is all about me.
Ben SMASH! Good luck pal, we're all in this together
For HOUSEWORK help I find Diane in Denmark to be the best help, because she breaks it down step-by-step. Since I started 'cleaning along' with her my house is mostly under control- Alos please remember the importance of HORMONES in your ADHD journey. Since I started HRT my symptoms have diminished massively. Blessing!
0:24 I just watch a video about another psychologist actually recommending exactly what you do which is “only vent” when you have done or know that you will do about it because if not your brain tricks you to fall into a cycle of venting about struggles but falling into it again.
This is one of the most relative videos I can understand and seems on my train of thought 😁 good to know I’m not alone
I don’t say “I’m a failure” because I have ADHD. I say it because the ADHD has driven a tank over everything in my life.
Not diagnosed until I was 56. Left school at a time when claiming welfare and putting decisions off, for years, was possible. So I did, because I couldn’t and still cannot make that decision. Dropped out of colleges so many times there’s no student funding available for me, even if I had time to study something (I’ll be 60 next birthday) or could make that decision knowing how hard the ADHD will make that studying.
Or get a manual labour job which my health, due to 4 decades of self medicating, isn’t up to.
Nice to know why, finally. Nice to know it wasn’t my fault, except the people who needed to know this are dead so there’s no healing there either.
The country I live in is getting increasingly hostile to anyone with mental health issues and are openly contemptuous of money spent on it. We are all con artists, lead swingers and whiney middle class wasters who need to be kicked, hard, and made to work, whereupon we will all discover that we were fine after all and made all that nonsense about head problems up.
Life is bleak and there’s no light in the distance.
Oh, I hear you. It is OK to feel sadness for your missed potential. It wasn't your fault. But also, have compassion for yourself. Give yourself grace. You made the best choices available for you at the time, and guess what? You survived! And you learned along the way, even if not in college. I have many days where I feel as you do. I'm 57. I often feel it's too late. But it's not. You have been blessed with life on this beautiful planet. I try to be grateful for things, and sometimes all i can come up with is "look how beautiful that blue sky is. I can see that when others can't. Im blessed." There are also resources and a community who have practical suggestions to offer.
I'm thinking of you and praying for you, even though I'm not religious! I just want you to know that people care about you. Even strangers like me. 💜
Wow you are just like me! Super hard on yourself, and you have every right to be…. However despite all those who failed you, and the numerous times you may feel that you failed yourself. I promise you that know amount of guilt shame anger or frustration is going to change anything that has already occurred. I’m thankful to hear that you did however finally find a explanation for it. I’d rather be 60yrs old with a diagnosis than a 80yr old without one. My anger didn’t settle until almost 10yrs after my diagnosis. Because I was too blinded by just the diagnosis that I wasn’t able to also find the resources and gain tools to help me shift until recently when I discovered there was even a such thing as an ADHD Coach. I was at my wits in, and barely holding on by a thread trying to keep what little bit of my life I still had, together. I’m also thankful that we both live in a time now where coaches are accessible, social media platforms allow these amazing people to reach people like us who need it most, with sooooo much free content available at our fingertips. The mere fact that you are watching videos like this is evidence that YES, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are here because despite all of your challenges, YOU never gave up on YOURSELF, and that right there is something to be grateful for. You are stronger and wiser than you know. I beg you to take just a moment to look at yourself in the mirror, and say “THANK YOU” to you. That would mean so much to the person looking back at you 🫶🏽
@@FrenchCocoa369 Look myself in the mirror...
Holy crap, that's a big ask. I usually avoid my reflection as much as possible.
It's not that I've given up on myself, or am still clinging on to hope. It's that I've given up on everyone else. Everyone in my life has either looked at ADHD, seen that it requires the right medication and the right support and thought, "f*** that. I don't like him enough to put the time in to helping him.", or, as is more likely, are so indifferent and careless that none of them bothered to look at ADHD. "F*** him, let him sort his own problems out."
And so, heartbroken, I am reduced to sitting around waiting to die. Life force spent. Health wrecked. Hope destroyed. Who is going to bother to help a 60 year old pick up the pieces of a life that never got properly started? There's no incentive. And I am not worth enough for the effort to be made.
I do not know where this hateful, spiteful neglect comes from, but it's been around for a very long time. It causes me endless pain to hear about people with loving, supportive families who are there for them. Mine is not like that, at all. Mine begrudges infrequent and brief social visits, never mind wading in to help. There's always a bunch of excuses on offer and they all amount to "why should we lift a finger to help you?".
Message received. Over and again.
This was a great video. Thank you so much for posting! I have never heard that we're stuck in the limbic brain when we're in this fight/flight/freeze response and unable to access the prefrontal cortex, but that really helped contextualize why I always look back on those moments and wonder why I couldn't function. Definitely gave me more motivation to stay calm and avoid getting to that place to begin with. I also liked the part about asking yourself what the best thing you can do for yourself in that moment is and it may be adjusting expectations. I'm very perfectionist and have an assignment due today and I know if I just get it done, instead of hyperfocusing on it, I'll get a grade that's good enough.
Yes!! Let the perfectionism go. It's NOT serving you.
I am so grateful to have found you and your channel today. I love your approach and your energy... I am a big believer in finding a " teacher" that you connect with... which very often doubles to co-regulate me!!! Thank you.
I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but it has been suggested that I might have it by a couple of the many professionals/ experts I have seen... I have struggled with depression and anxiety for my entire life -- that is the obvious basis... but sometimes I am not sure it is the whole story in terms of a diagnosis... and of course there is so much overlap between many different "diagnoses." I actually take an ADHD medication off label for depression because it is one of the only things that can get me out of freeze / shut down mode. That place can be due, again, to unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, adhd, etc etc... I love Gabor Mate (and now many other experts) who says that many of these diagnoses are actually normal responses (not disorders) to abnormal environments or experiences as infants, children or adults... it is a beautiful and humanizing reframe! This of course is all from my own lifetime experience and my very aggressive and on-going attempts to successfully treat and get on top of my struggle. Thank you for listening ; ))
Me too. depression, anxiety, fear, fight/flight/freeze(childhood trauma) all my life and late diagnosed ADHD, that all affects every aspect of every day and it's my life's mission to get to the bottom of it and find hope again. I discovered Caren's channel today and I've literally been listening the entire day. So grateful to her and how she educates, uplifts and inspires those who are searching for answers.
Best wishes on your journey.
I was sad when I started this video, and then you made me laugh and feel understood. Thank you. Love -
Thank you so much for explaining this! I do this all the time when I realize I’m late and then can’t figure out why I’m mad at everything. Your explanations actually makes sense and are applicable. Thank you for what you do. ❤
Hi Caren, I’m working on task initiation and getting things done. My bf is a very linear, productive, and successful type A businessman. So yes, it’s a challenge.😂
The good news is… there are ways to get through the day… 🎉
He’s understanding my condition and empathetic during my off days. I know it’s challenging at times.
The more I understand my condition and master my emotions the better I get in managing stress, triggers, and overwhelm.
What works for me is to have my positive self-talk along with emotional control, pause, take a deep breath, ground my nervous system to feel safe and respond with calm, ease, save my energy and focus on feeling joy regardless.
To my fella ADHDers, you are enough now and nothing is wrong with you. ❤
Love that, Hazel!
That plant to the left in the background is really living its best life. Why can't i get my plants to look like that!?
Excellent video! Wish I could say the fact that her hubby doesn’t “support” her boggles the mind, but my sis and bro-in-law continue condemning me to Hell. …Yes, she should go back to the routine that worked.…(1.) I have two alarms AND a timer for sleep. (2.) Told you before about a calendar in every room AND one in my purse. (3.) Getting somewhere on time means repeatedly “LYing” to yourself about when work starts. If this means telling yourself half an hour earlier or an hour earlier, THIS it what it means(!). Over and over and over again. (4.) Can she get more help around the house? Please🙏🏽, please do this. If not, then, one task at a time, until they’re largely done🙂. She may have to start with decluttering. I am 57 and nothing has changed. Cheers🙂.
I am so happy that I have found your page. Thank you so much for all you do.
I love this channel‼️
Good point. We are in our bodies so we should avoid being in our heads.
So so helpful! Thank you ❤
Gurl I REALLY love your videos
I’m so happy I found this channel!
This is such an informative video. I feel so heard and seen. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing an excellent video!
OMG I thought that setting my multiple alarms was normal….Everyone does that... lol
They are Arranged Titled, set into 15 minute intervals, 5 minute Snoozes¿
If I have abused the snooze button too making me late. Leading to an ultimate Panic event, which would resemble me literally falling out of bed, scrabbling to find the door. Resulting later, argument in my head to later add another Alarm for tomorrow. OMG now I need to rewind this video, because I have been zoned out typing this, and retyping it to make it sound right. Merry Christmas 🏝️(Argh I couldn’t find a Christmas tree emoji)😝
Creating calm and pausing to breathe are great tips. 😊
Great video as always! Thanks a lot for sharing all of these informations❤❤❤
As a husband and father with ADHD it sucks that I am a man who doesn't bring calm into the home it's unmasculine
Thanks for the putting your needs first section, that one really spoke to me and totally helped me reorient my strategy not to better accommodate others and for me to fit in to their ways, but to change at least my internal environment to suit my emotional and mental needs first. Because we all need to have out needs met first in order for us to thrive and be the version of ourselves we want to be and others can benefit from. And its not our fault we might have different needs from neurotypicals. This is so mutually beneficial.
Caren, I can relate so much to this woman. I have many of her same feelings. I was diagnosed at 49 and m 51 now. I lost my job a few months ago because of my inability to get to work on time regularly and some other productivity issues I was having. Listening to this woman's story and your response has helped me greatly. I know I'm at work in progress but I feel like I am trying to understand my ADD better and how I can improve myself. Thank you so much for your content!
Thank you for your videos. 🙏 I’m 41 and just figuring out that I have ADHD. I feel so understood and your topics are spot on for my struggles.
Had a huge argument with my wife over the weekend.... She doesn't get it either and doesn't care to get it either. Shoulda...woulda...coulda... She laid it all on me.
Thank you
My friends and family all know i have adhd (diagnosed 16 years ago) and im so hard on myself, its hard for people to help talk me out of it. I will always doubt myself. If i get a B on a project, i think im on the road to failing the class. Perfect example.
This shit is happening to me right now I’m always being told I’m to much or I’m hard to deal with I don’t listen I try to explain my adhd story with the pills and how hard it is for me to learn when I try to take stress off her in her way it’s like I’m doing to much no one I try to people please now and it’s so hard
Still waitinv tk grg diagnosed in the UK its s nifhtmare unless you go private...At keast 5 years..Amd thiz video is do true esp after a drunken binge ...Our ADHD petsonlsitues are centrered toubd self deprectation..Amd we carry thiz on in rekatio ships too with people and partners.
How do we sign up for the Sunday thing?
Not me over here 😳 can she see me? Omg, that's me. I do all of that!
Is procrastination related to this ? I feel bad struggle to do my tasks and then do it again. I feel miserable like im not able to perform as good as other and live on constant downgrading myself thinking i dont deserve my job or a promotion.
Im struggling with my son, he was diagnosed at 7 then again at 19. His father disagreed and tried to over turn the diagnosis, he wasnt successful. However my son looks up at his father and his father said there was nothing wrong with him.
Now my son is self medicating rather than address he has adhd.
I understand him, as im very similar due to early server SA.
I dont know how to help him.
Can you give me advice. Please ive had to make him leave because his chaotic life and self medicating is destroying my life .
Please if you can give me advice. I live in the uk.
First time watching one of your videos.
You are so intense, but with a positive message!
Most intense material is just angry people blowing of steam or trying to stir up some comotion for no specific reason.
Therefor, I would normally, most likely avoid your video, due to that intensity and just keep on keeping on, along the UA-cam algorithm.
However, this makes me watch the full 16 minutes and head over to your channel for more!
Well done.
Sorry to be off topic, but are you originally from Canada?
LOL... Yes. Did you catch my ooooouts and aboooouts?
@@CarenMagill Haha, yes!
🤣
Much love and good vibes from Montreal. 😃🇨🇦🩷
Punctuality is so overrated. Rarely is it actually that important. As long as the work is getting done, who cares what time we arrive at work.
I need your help think my brain is going to explode today 😢
I think your reader needs to divorce her husband. If she has college-aged kids, then she's been with him for at least 20 years, and has done everything in her power to make him happy at her own expense. Clearly he does not appreciate her or even try to understand her condition. Every woman deserves better than that. The husband will be sorry when she's gone, but she'll be happier and freer than she has been in years.
As a person with ADHD, I understand the treatment she has received from her spouse. I have gone through two divorces and a broken engagement. I became the person they wanted me to be and gave and gave but received little in return. My low self esteem due to my ADHD kept me in these one-sided relationships. Now single, I’m much healthier and happier. I was accused of being a “failure” or an “underachiever” but I out earned them during our time together. Prioritize yourself and not constantly trying to make them happy. Once you see that you will never make them happy no matter what you do, it makes your choices clear after that. Life is too short to be miserable and in a one-sided situation the rest of your life. If a spouse can’t meet you halfway, there’s your answer.
😓😓😓😓😓❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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This is just what I needed to hear, as an ADHD mom with a hubby and 2 little boys my life was in chaos. I'm ever so thankful to have found your channel. Comparing myself to non ADHD moms used to effect me so much. I now have learned to better manage it.🫶
I work on being conscious of what I say after I AM
as that is God’s name and invocation to the universe
I am more mindful of what I say after I AM!!
Example
“ What I AM doing, is working”
Placing it in the now telling my brain that what I am doing IS working, then I do not create situations I do not wish to experience….
Thank you for your content and your videos!!
💗🫶🏻🙌✌️
Just found your channel - I think you're really great!!
I'm 43 and what I know do best is getting myself RETRENCHED!
I don't wanna talk about romantic relationships!🫣
do you have help?