I work with kiddos, many on the spectrum and with severe trauma, and this absolutely works! A kid can be screaming and crying, refusing to cooperate, and I make a few clear, calm validating statements, and all of a sudden they feel understood and can use language to express again. I worked as a BHP and sometimes I'd be validating the child and then the parent in the same breath. It works for all ages. We all just want to feel seen and heard and understood. First time I tried to take one kiddo out, he begged his mom to come with us, and when she said no he ran away and hid. He was screaming, his mom started screaming. I calmly stated, "you know, we're still getting to know each other. It makes sense if you don't want to leave the house without your mom. Can you tell me what's on your mind?" And all of a sudden he came out and shared with me that he felt anxious. I validated his feelings and we ended up still going. An hour later than planned, but he was calm, positive, safe, and had fun on the outting. Because I built rapport and helped him feel understood, he knew I'd listen to him and he equally respected me. Often times after validating, I'd say "Can I share where I'm coming from?" And once he heard my reason for saying no, he would say "yeah, that makes sense." He was an intelligent little dude. His parents struggled with attunement and often invalidated his experiences. When his emotions and experience was validated and reflected, he was calm and expressive. When he didn't get that attunement, his behavior would escalate. The more his experience was validated, the more language and tools he had to communicate differently, and because I validated, he trusted that Id listen.
ahh thank you !! hello from Saudi Arabia I just discovered your channel , you're amazing.. I'm a collage student not in any relationship but I love love parenting , I use the technique with my little brothers
I've been looking for advice on what to do when mirroring seems to escalate my son's anger and frustration. Any tips on how to mirror when that seems to agrevate the child more?
Hi Kriya. Some super sensitive and or bright children can react to mirroring. They can sense that you may be 'trying a technique' or if you are just starting to mirror, it can be stiff and less genuine. Stick to simple comments that paraphrase their emotion like 'oh, that is frustrating' or 'wow, that's terrible' or it is also effective to try questions like 'what exactly happened?' or 'what is the part that isn't working' or 'he said what? Remember that mirroring takes practice and its often counter-intuitive. So keep practicing. Try to use empathy and remember to borrow your child's affect. If there hasn't been a noticeable change after 3-4 mirror statements, move on to a neutral comment like 'Ok, it seems like you are really upset and need to work it out. I will give you some space and come back in a minute."
Loved Everything except the "Practice makes perfect" part.. Actually practice makes progress is what we instill in our household.. Practicing for perfection that you will not achieve? A whole other can of worms
I work with kiddos, many on the spectrum and with severe trauma, and this absolutely works! A kid can be screaming and crying, refusing to cooperate, and I make a few clear, calm validating statements, and all of a sudden they feel understood and can use language to express again. I worked as a BHP and sometimes I'd be validating the child and then the parent in the same breath. It works for all ages. We all just want to feel seen and heard and understood. First time I tried to take one kiddo out, he begged his mom to come with us, and when she said no he ran away and hid. He was screaming, his mom started screaming. I calmly stated, "you know, we're still getting to know each other. It makes sense if you don't want to leave the house without your mom. Can you tell me what's on your mind?" And all of a sudden he came out and shared with me that he felt anxious. I validated his feelings and we ended up still going. An hour later than planned, but he was calm, positive, safe, and had fun on the outting. Because I built rapport and helped him feel understood, he knew I'd listen to him and he equally respected me. Often times after validating, I'd say "Can I share where I'm coming from?" And once he heard my reason for saying no, he would say "yeah, that makes sense." He was an intelligent little dude. His parents struggled with attunement and often invalidated his experiences. When his emotions and experience was validated and reflected, he was calm and expressive. When he didn't get that attunement, his behavior would escalate. The more his experience was validated, the more language and tools he had to communicate differently, and because I validated, he trusted that Id listen.
Great and amazing, Jennifer. I'm REALLY happy that I found your channel. THANK YOU for this!
ahh thank you !! hello from Saudi Arabia I just discovered your channel , you're amazing.. I'm a collage student not in any relationship but I love love parenting , I use the technique with my little brothers
I love your videos Jennifer! Such good tips and interesting to listen to.
this is amazing advice!
I've been looking for advice on what to do when mirroring seems to escalate my son's anger and frustration. Any tips on how to mirror when that seems to agrevate the child more?
Hi Kriya. Some super sensitive and or bright children can react to mirroring. They can sense that you may be 'trying a technique' or if you are just starting to mirror, it can be stiff and less genuine. Stick to simple comments that paraphrase their emotion like 'oh, that is frustrating' or 'wow, that's terrible' or it is also effective to try questions like 'what exactly happened?' or 'what is the part that isn't working' or 'he said what? Remember that mirroring takes practice and its often counter-intuitive. So keep practicing. Try to use empathy and remember to borrow your child's affect. If there hasn't been a noticeable change after 3-4 mirror statements, move on to a neutral comment like 'Ok, it seems like you are really upset and need to work it out. I will give you some space and come back in a minute."
Loved Everything except the "Practice makes perfect" part.. Actually practice makes progress is what we instill in our household.. Practicing for perfection that you will not achieve? A whole other can of worms