Or by staying connected to themselves they are subconsciously readapting to the real world instead of imitating some more proper version of themselves while their real self is locked up and static
I think it's a sign of immaturity to have a black and white view of the world. I don't think sex should be shamed but I've had a lot of personal experiences where it felt like people were just using the term "sex positivity" as an excuse to take advantage of others.
@@SaintSinister-tc7px can you provide some examples of this? I can't think of a single one outside the classic cycles of mindless embrace - mindless recoil. Things may look way more black and white in the recoil phase, but that's just going in circles, having the same blinders on while being affected by the same exact thing instead of resolving it
Thank you for this video, Daniel. I was unconsciously living this sort of “sex positive” life, absolutely not seeing how my behavioural and feeling patterns came from my childhood abuse. I am only now starting to realise everything, realise my traumas and horrible things my parents did, and looking back at my teenage and young adult years, and all I want to do is cry because I see an extremely sad child in a grown up’s body, putting herself into horrible, re traumatising situations, and calling it “oh I’m just sexual and enjoy kinky things”. This shit is very painful.
Maybe you had to live it to understand it. Most of us are broken in some way, and we find one another with our wounds and try to deal with them and learn with them the best we can. 💗
SAME. It was wild to me when I realized just how little of all that sexual activity I engaged in was something I actually enjoyed. The “ritual” of setting up and preparing for the event was more pleasurable than the event itself, and all of it was both a distraction from intolerable pain AND a way to convince myself I was worthy in the most superficial ways possible. I’m doing much better these days (and oddly almost completely indifferent about sex), but it’s still a lot of hard work to be authentic and not want to slide back into doing what might make me more popular, more sought-after, more praised, etc.
As a somewhat autistic man myself it's amazing to me that you women have the ability to have so much sex that you can re-traumatize yourselves. It's just so outside the realm of possibilities to me. But I defintely believe it. It must be like when you binge eat too much pizza and feel like crap afterwards and are disguisted in yourself.
I'm a sexually abused man. I've alwzys wondered if my trauma has somehow affected my sexual tendencies. Listening to the video confirmed my suspicions, it remains for me to find out in what specific ways it has.
Thanks for making this video, it was really well-timed for me. As a gay man I often feel pressure to sleep with as many men as I can, use sex for validation, etc. due to how sexualized being a gay male is, but the experience feels the same as drinking too much, using drugs, etc. - great at first, but then highly depressing. I never understood why the modern liberal idea is that any sexual "preference" should be acted upon even if it's clearly based in trauma. It's a nice reminder for me to listen to how I feel rather than what the culture says.
same sex culture is quite varied. you’re talking about the more old school trope stereotypical thing.. i don’t think that’s the majority frequently? i kno gay ppl who don’t even date, hang solo and are not worried about sex or multiple partners if any. or sometimes it can be a phase to sleep around sure, same goes with hetero tho. i think the video is really terrible honestly too. way over generalizing that trauma compromises ability to have consent and good judgment. that’s such garbage! peace
I'm a gay millennial, and one thing I've started to ask is "of all of my friends, are the ones who are most sexually active also the happiest or the least happy friends of mine?" My personal observations tend more towards the latter hypothesis rather than the former. Which is all the reason I personally need to place at least some trust in the traditional condemnation of promiscuity.
I more or less agree with your observations about sexual activity and happiness. The problem with words such as "gay", "millennial", "promiscuity", is that they don't describe the reality of diverse human qualities, but rather manage to stick humans into artificially created groups or categories. As you indicate, having been born at a particular time (being a “millennial”), is a distinguishing factor of a particular individual, but it doesn't account for the many other facets of an individual’s personality, who will naturally have different needs - sometimes down to simply having a bigger appetite than others. Being "of" a particular generation doesn't necessarily override other human traits, but it can certainly appear to become essential to one's self-identity. Looking at the individual in the context of his own "generation", as well as preceding and succeeding ones - we find much evidence for generational conflict, such as people having been raised in the rather sexually repressive 1940s and 50s, being bound to act antagonistically against people raised in the 60s and 70s etc. But here's what's crucial, and I don't know if Daniel Mackler has made light of this in previous videos, such inter-generational conflict, the source of a lot of the trauma described by Mackler, doesn't seem to be "natural" in origin, but to have occurred by design. In other words: friction and trauma are consciously being created by ways of calibration and re-calibration of the sexual culture in particular ways, which on a superficial level, appear as one generation reacting to the shortcomings and failures of a preceding generation. On that note, Mackler recently spoke about addiction in a way, that hints at what I’m trying to say here…
You can replace that with any other verb. Eating, exercising, working, doing art, reading, travelling, whatever. If you have a friend who's addicted to running it doesn't mean that excercise positivity is bad. It doesn't say anything about nature of the activities themselves, it just tells us that we can distract ourselves from ourselves with literally anything, and it tells us that we should strive for mindfulness in whatever we do
correlation doesn’t mean causation often. often the two are confused. they might be less happy to begin with, like before they were sleeping around or whatever. the sleeping around is a side effect usually of other emotional things so. your logic seems misguided. just a thought
This is so important. I’ve seen people promoting healing their ADHD through BDSM and then continued to say that those with ADHD typically enjoy BDSM. Excuse me? Where did you get your research? And have you thought it may be trauma, not their ADHD?
@@iZ-the-Egoniyeah idk if its accurate to say people with adhd 'typically' enjoy bdsm but i have heard that there is a much stronger correlation between bdsm/kink and neurodivergence than there is in the general population and i'm sure there's also a connection to trauma there with how likely neurodiverse people are to experience it
The most sex positive seem - to me - be the ones that have actually been sexually abused or shamed growing up. Has been the case with exes where they had a very mechanical view on sex. Almost as if detaching themselves emotionally from the physical act retained a sense of self from the past sexual violation. "It's just sex", it's just physical", etc. Why don't you slap me around a bit too, while you are at it? There was no intimacy there, simply like Zizek has expressed, mutual masturbation with another, turned into a fetish - daddy issues, mommy issues. Daddy issues is again very clearly often wanting humiliation, submissiveness, and validation for it - ergo another expression again of the trauma they've suffered once upon a time: neglect, abuse, idolatry. Or simply they cater to the man, that wants that because he, growing up, was emasculated, and now has to retain it by use of another. Having said that, there can be a balance and actual exploration and healing of trauma through it - but that doesn't often seem to be the case. Thank you Daniel, your work means so much. Thank you for being a sane voice with integrity.
If you want to continue on Zizek. He has said on the subject that perversion is the ultimate means for discovery and finding a nurturing healing love. I think we need to understand the nuance's of Sex Positivity's place in social order and the Neo-Liberal order which asserts profits over all. Right now it is the prevailing narrative that love is free and non-transactional but everything around it is transaction under capitalism. SO often times there's the perversion of incentive where I can't have a memorable date because I needed to make it pricy while managing what my expectations for such spending should be. Zizek obv does not agree w/ sex as a neutral experience. I think he would agree with Bataille on sex as a material which holds value, unique properties, and which cant be monetized or quantified. This is all to say that a person should value and make clear their bargain or they or involved parties could be at deficit. I worded this in terms that arent very orthodox.
It’s important to be aware of what sex may represent to our psyche, as any other social interactions. Being so instinctual, as eating, it’s harder to deal with. With awareness one may use it as a tool to overcome and heal traumas and destructive tendencies. On the other hand, allowing oneself to live those sexual urges freely can be a way of ultimately finding how disfunctional they really are. Debating about this subject, as you are trying to do here, is very important to raise awareness about it, for sure.
Well said, there are different levels of consciousness and if you are at that lower animalistic level in which you are enslaved by lust, you have no choice but to experience it's highs and lows since it's not possible yet to see further beyond until you grow from experience. Telling those people that sex can be experienced in more whole and healthier ways or can even be used for healing and elevating yourself is the same as going into a bar and saying: "Listen up everyone! I know better, more fulfilling and wholesome ways to have fun/deal with your misery than alcohol. You just have to do a lot of inner work but I promise it will be worth it in the end, just lay down the bottle!" People will think you're crazy and from their level of consciousness, rightfully so, since most are not ready to hear it and are not capable of doing the work but you're still nudging them to go into that direction. So let them have their coping mechanisms, it's the only way they can see to deal with their pain. Some will fall and never learn, others will grow out of it and seek the right help when it is time. It's the perfect reflection of the state of the world and collective consciousness right now: in pain, still in survival mode in which the lower animalistic instincts prevail above higher consciousness and that is a breeding ground for a selfish transactional nature, devoid of love and introspection. But slowly, very slowly working through it. We cannot rush the process, in fact I would say that people who cannot accept this state of the world and are triggered by it still have a lot of inner work to do, mostly on their own suppressed lower animalistic nature. All the best 🙏
I agree with Daniel. The whole movement towards making sex-whenever-and-wherever a kind of presumptive good has a lot of evil intent behind it. Its rotten and sick, being brutally honest.
Consenting adults inviting others to violate them is no more positive than drinking yourself to a stupor any time you feel an incling of a negative emotion. Neither hurt anyone else, which upon deep conversations with many liberally minded friends is the basis for their morality, both hurt yourself, which is sadly of no concern.
What about consenting adults doing bungee jumping to explore ther fear of heights? Anything that provides strong emotional response can be misused, from relationships to sports to art to food to music etc. Comparing any of that tp drugs only shows the relationship a particular person has with that thing. Say, someone addicted to cheeses could see the devil in them, and could assume that everyone who enjoys them freely is broken, but they will merely describe what they themselves can see.
@NJ-wb1czeven Daniel is mostly speculating about the relationships people have to something like BDSM. But it's still worth talking about even if it's not necessarily in every case harmful. There's reason to believe it's harmful in many cases.
@NJ-wb1cz I'm an addict but I don't believe that all. Maybe you can casually do some of the drugs I've done and it's fine for you. I don't need to create a vision of it that isn't there. I think you're describing some kind of projection but not everyone projects. You're the only one projecting in this comment thread for example.
@NJ-wb1cz it's not that sexual exploration is addicting in nature (though it might be for some), it's that it's the type of wreckless behavior that can hurt you more than help in the long run even though it can help mute your feelings in the moment. A better analogy than budgee would be getting a sports bike and doing 300 on a highway. You think you're helping yourself, but you're not exploring anything, you're just being reckless.
I strongly resonate with your idea. It is too much of a coincidence that all the people I've met who were into sex positivity also have had indicators of being emotionally disregulated, or outright told me they were abused early in their life. Funny enough I think that both hypersexuality and asexuality are trauma related. I consider myself demi asexual. It's when you can only want them once you know them deeply as a person and trust them. And despite many people in that community saying that it's just how you are born, I intuit that this visceral need for safety, that even overrides arousal, is somehow related to adverse experiences growing up.
I agree, I think many of the terms floating around as 'sexualities' are actually just a way of normalizing not addressing the way traumas impact us sexually. I've personally flirted with the asexuality label, but feel deep down it's not my truth. I'm sex and intimacy avoidant due to past experiences (not even necessarily sexual in nature) that manifest as a physiological 'clamping down' of sexual desires.
Well, yeah, that's how they grow. Someone who had regular background had regular behaviors and is accepted by default. Someone who didn't have a regular background doesn't have regular behaviors so they need acceptance from others to explore themselves and eventually allow themselves to readapt. If you tell them that who they are is something disgusting and yucky, then they will remain stunted, disconnected from themselves while imitating proper behavior
@@liubovarista8133 eating is way more animalistic, but this doesn't mean we can't have it be integrated into the rest of our life fluently and healthily. And it doesn't mean that feeling weird towards food or somehow separating eating from the rest of our life is something that helps us.
Daniel says this, but this needs to be overtly and explicitly and clearly stated, Any type of trauma can cause both hypersexuality and asexuality. [Not just s-trauma, that is a myth. and hyposexuality can be an effect too of any type of trauma.] Some people aren't clearly listening and may misconstrued and reject in denial, as a couple people already commented.
yes it can cause perversions, or have avoidance of anything sexual at all. there's a lot of variables. more focus is on sex positivity these days because that's mostly what's been pushed in western society the last two or three decades.
I was always very "open" and hypersexual, obsessed with the whole topic, experiencing all the "kinky" stuff etc. - until I started therapy with almost 40. It than came very naturally to me to stay single and over the course of 3 years in therapy I have lost all interest in sex since I have dealt and am still dealing with my childhood traumas. I feel great peace and healthy boundaries now, I don't miss it at all. When I look back - yes, I was acting out all the traumas again and again through sex. I am very happy I am not doing this anymore, it is so much better for my soul. I also noticed how sensitive I became for the constant exposure to this topic, even in movies and advertising I feel it is way to much what we see. Many people now call me prim or prudish, but I just can't relate to these things anymore, at least not in the way it is constantly presented, as such it has completely lost its magic.
A little different path for me, but similar, I did it all when I was young, then a monogamous marriage (which I did successfully, but had to adjust to after the life I had before) now my husband and I are happily celibate due to health issues (both of us). We had a lot to work through when this happened, but now we are free. Free to feel good about ourselves on other measures, free time, free mental energy for other things in life. I am having a hard time with my post-divorce friends who want to do all the exploring I did in my 20's. I want to say, been there, done that, not worth it, I don't want to hear about it. Do you have friends who just don't get where you are at. I mean if someone told me they were celibate, I would not go on about my poly relationship.
@@MWear-x8t Are you sure he's celibate ? Millions of men see sex workers and the majority of those men are married and middle aged. It's very common when the bedroom dies.
@MWear-x8t could you talk more about the adjustment phase from a promiscuous lifestyle to a monogamous marriage? What were the challenges you had to overcome? And how was the path to becoming eventually celibate with a partner? Did it strengthen your relationship?
@@blueSfire77 It had to do with identity issues, self worth issues, refocussing, realizing expressing sexual energy is a privilege not a right. Yes, we need passion in our lives, but we can redirect it. I am not sure how a non-creative person would do this. The adjustment did take some time. I had to stop looking to the outside for validation. Thing is, even when I managed to stop doing this with all kinds of people, I was still doing this in my relationship. That was ok, but now being an olderish (still pre-menopause) and not having a sexual relationship was a blow to my ego. Who was I? This opened up several areas of self growth. Yes, I miss it, but it is not the be all and end all I thought it was in my youth. I thought life was about sex and good food and physical pleasure. It's about creativity and being the kindest best person you can be. Also, I don't stuff down pain with the excitement of a new partner like I did when I was young. I think this guy is right that healing trauma has something to do with it. To be monogamous I had to deal with some trauma at least to some extent. I think some people who were used sexually as children think that is part of their worth and who they are. It is a lot of work to find and love the self behind that.
Yes - sex positivity is between me and me.. all the parts of me need to feel safe and be able/want to give consent. From past experiences, yes I was a "consenting adult" but I was completely dissociated and deep down didn't actually want to be in that experience. Taking 100% responsibility for caring for myself makes the term "sex positivity" irrelevant because it is merely an external label used to defend against shaming. I'm inherently "sex positive" because I am a sovereign being, heal myself and respect my body.
Thank you for making this video. Rarely do I hear your opinions repeated in other spaces but you always seem to read my mind. Keep saying what you believe, it's greatly appreciated.
Increadibly accurate and insightful, found myself nodding in agreement as you spoke. It's a very scary topic to touch indeed, you must've mustered a lot of courage to come up and say all that - and I'm glad you did Daniel✨
very interesting As someone who engages in watching some weird adult content it is hard to listen to videos like this. The sex positive community is totally agreeing with me and validating "my preferances" and to listen to you I have to face that maybe actually I am engaging in self harm of some kind which is really scary.
Just try to observe all of yourself to some extent instead of being lost in automatically satisfying yourself or judging yourself. Experiment not just with the stuff you consume, but with your own feelings in the moment, be curious about yourself while feeling attraction or recoil fully Being all of yourself mindfully is very much relevant to whatever "weird" things we do, and whatever recoil we feel against those "weird" things. The best meditation isn't when you feel nothing and are chill, but when you are perturbed in some way, whether positive or negative
Happens all the time. Especially people that abuse: they do want control and they'll manipulate people for it regardless of the context. For people that want love and to beloved, they do think about pleasuring the other. Humans think all the time.
I'm sure there's some actualized geniuses out there that found all their motivations. Probably going to be a small percentage of people though. Like 1% or less.
I pretty much agree with most of what you’re saying here (though only a year ago I would’ve said the opposite), but I think you’re not mentioning some crucial parts. People in the western world are having less sex than before, but sex plays an important social role for all primates. Stigma around sex and poor sex education only add fuel to the fire. So sex positivity may well be helping, but I feel it’s largely just the mirror image of sex negativity that’s been part of our society for quite a while. I feel that’s the more accurate point to make on this topic - that it was bad before and now it’s bad in the opposite way, precisely because it was bad before. We should be striving for balance, not the other extreme. But sex can certainly be therapeutic too… like with anything that can be abused, it’s all about the individual’s relationship to it, and not about the nature of the thing itself.
Sex is important, but what's the point of sex without connection? the problem isn't the lack of sex, it's just a symptom of a lack of connection. Sex positive people see their parents and other role models have meaningless, maybe obligated sex and learn that it's acceptable. With all they have promoted, they still have ignored the most crucial part of sex.
I think it's younger people having less sex, but they're not less sexual, they use porn a lot more. Basically the impacts of technology. Harder to connect with people in real life but easier to access content.
You do have a point. It just doesn't feel comfortable to confront this. Especially since sexuality is often a basis from which relationships are formed. And if this basis is not solid to begin with, questioning sexuality also means questioning relationships.
Also a lie about encouraging gay and lesbian relationships. I’m not mean but if people want the truth. I mean it’s whatever people can do whatever they want
I actually felt so discomforted when I found out what sex was and that my parents were doing that. They never showed affection to each other. No kisses, handholding, dates. And they even were passive aggressive and had escalating behavior. My mom would always get set off by my dad's alcohol issues. And my dad would get the same treatment from her that he got from his mother.
nuance and balance are the key, here, in my opinion. i tend to support sex positivity, which, to my end, means "conscious, mindful sex without feeling embarrassed". this, however, requires both parties to be adequately aware of themselves and, within them, their trauma, which isn't necessarily easy to find. i have been lucky enough to encounter generally mindful, emotionally mature, and trauma aware men on my "promiscuous" era, if you will, but it could've gone downhill so fast should i wasn't so lucky. thank you for sharing your complex take.
Just because we understand how to connect a plug to the wall, doesn't mean we understand electricity. There are clearly several aspects of the subject that we are failing to understand, and we flip-flop from one extreme to the other, from prudishness to hedonistic indulgence, and back again. This lack of understanding extends to both parties. The majority of people, in particular one half of the human equation, can't even sit still for 5 minutes or not be glued to their phones. And I'm supposed to believe they are liberated enough of their own self to be able to fully surrender in the moment and be present with another person, to allow the fullest expression of the act? You only ever hear about 'learning' in one direction, that is MORE. How many people have even attempted to go a month without even thinking about 'it'? When you do, you will be confronted by your entire psychology as nature attempts to get you back on the horse. And for a lot of people they will simply go the other direction because they do not want to confront aspects of their psychology e.g. trauma.
Re the lack of self reflection: they do something even worse. They tell people who dont want to "explore" that they are uptight and prudish and that, not the acting out, is the sign of trauma. That they somehow the healthy ones for acting it out in the open.
Don't take it personal. It's just a defense mechanism of the mind to justify their behaviour because subconsciously they know it's self destructive and not getting them anywhere. Always remember, people who are fully secure and confident in themselves and their choices don't have to convince/shame anyone who does the opposite. If you would tell me that exercise is bad and that it will make me obese and it is not debatable I would just laugh in your face and move on as I know better. These people are just triggered and don't even know it. If you can, try not to judge. They are doing the best they can with the capabilities they got, right now their consciousness is on the lower animalistic part of the spectrum in which they are enslaved by lust. The only thing the mind can see is how it needs sex to fill the voids they cannot fill themselves with inner work. So it's the only way to relieve the pains and stressors of life for them, anything else won't register. Some grow out of it by learning from experience, others will stay miserable for the rest of their lives. I find the notion that you can only explore yourself with others to be laughable, it might be A way and not even the most efficient one at that. It's exploration of SELF, so you can do it yourself as I and many others have experienced. Oh well, only thing you can do is to focus on yourself. All the best 🙏
Daniel you bring a great consciousness to things that the world prefers stay unconscious - chief of which is that there has been and continues to be extensive abuse and neglect of children within the sanctity of the home. Through this video I realise my years of celibacy (not chosen consciously) are also an unconscious trauma response of safety just as much as the hyper sexuality that tends to be expressed and rewarded in the Western world. I have carried a lot of shame about that as if there was a deficit in me but listening to you I recognise actually a discernment that most of the sex I have experienced was not empowering, not a sacred sharing of a physical experience with another human being. Neither I nor almost all of my sexual partners were able to tolerate that true sexual intimacy. I salute you for your sharing of your wisdom not as judgement at all but shining a light on what is actually happening. Thank you so much.
This needs to be said. Somehow I understand. I also noticed that you're choking up and barely getting the words out that is a reflection of how judgemental our society is. Bill Wilson mentioned about opinions of sex either being "a straight pepper diet", or repression. In our society we can't be safe and we can't be ourselves without being judged. I think it's really sad that some of us can barely even talk about it literally.
I always wondered if Daniel just had pre-recorded four hundred videos in one week several years ago without changing clothes or just keeps making them as time goes by
I think it's both that and also him just liking his routine and concentrating on what's important for him, choosing between different clothes probably isn't the type of self expression he is going for daily.
I love Daniel's way of consistently presenting himself simply with nice simple quiet colors blending with the environment background. It fits him and makes us focus more on the importance of what he says than distracting us with how he looks.
That was a very wholistic and nuanced analysis. When you consider the various forces of upheavel, chaos, and machivelianism in history and society, thats a can of worms most people wont touch with a 10 foot pole.
I have been saying this, and people called me a prude. But it has nothing to do with prudishness, but as you say, just looking honestly at what’s going on..
Very interesting video, it came in divine timing for me and I deeply appreciate it. Would be nice to have a follow up video on what healthy sexuality looks like and how to develop it!
Some people are conscious about what they are acting out (and even why), where it takes them emotionally and even have some idea how it might be healing. But your critique is important in general! However, philosophically/politically a person who is traumatized could not consent to anything that has adult risk. To have full rights of citizen. Get married? Join the army? That doesn't work. Good for making this video end of the day!
In my experience, what helped me most is feeling my desires and just sitting with them, trying to get to the root of them. I feel like that's what this video is trying to get at really as well. Usually in this way my relationship to my desires changes substantially. It turns from an unconscious urge, which left me with nothing valuable and lasting outside the pleasure of the moment, to a conscious, even creative kind of force. I found it to be the only way to break compulsion, and I guess to be able to reflect on your desires it often requires one to first go through the feeling of shame, which is not easy, and so many reply to any critique of sex-positivity feeling like you're trying to reinforce shame again, but I really don't see you doing that here as I mentioned, and as you say as well. Thank you for your honesty Daniel!
To be "sex positive" in the way to be like an animal.. maybe it's not bad.. but you gotta grow up spiritually. Thank you Daniel! Very profound video. Much ❤️ love
I couldn't agree more. And admittedly, after I've said that sadomadochism is unhealed trauma played out in sex, to become addictive, conditioning and a source of a dysfunctional cycle, of abuse, let's say it, for those bringing up consent - that's to be discussed in lieu of conditioning someone to accept and crave (because of the release and relief of anxiety build up) pain, so how consensual can it really be!? Needless to say I was called sex negative, prude, conservative and terf back then. And, to my shame I went on to stand by a degree of relativism that, it could be argued, misinterprets personal freedom with aimlessness as well as confusion. Admittedly and arguably. But I agree with you, completely. Just the other day I was thinking about how excessive relativism has diluted things to the degree of no return, perhaps.
their judgment and rigidity is evidence of their own conditioning. It's hard to see how they're so different when they're just as judgmental as the people they oppose.
As someone who was deeply traumatized as a child, although NOT sexually, it REALLY screwed up my views on sex and basically shamed me away from ANY sexual exploration for the next 40 years. I'm exploring that side of me now, and to be completely transparent here, I'm in therapy with a great trauma therapist, so I'm actively "doing the work." Looking at these things with a moderate amount of clarity, I've been able to see what is healthy and what is not, FOR ME. I've been on a kink site for several years as I've been working through my stuff and have drawn some of the same conclusions as you cover here. I think the problem is that there are thousands (likely more) of people who came from backgrounds similar to my own who are NOT doing the work and continue to replay their abuse as "kink." So does two people consensually exploring their own sexuality make it unhealthy? It sounds more like a philosophical topic than a moral/ethical one?
It's tricky, because when people feel shame about their sexual desires, it just makes things worse. It's a tight rope walk to accept the way one is, while at the same time moving to a different way of being.
I guess it depends on what kind of sexual desires: it's important that, if someone has deviant sexual desires or desires to hurt someone else, yeah it should be addressed and it should be condemned. It should definitely be healed, but the judgement needs to be there: sexuality is not an excuse to desire wrong things.
Oooooh, I have to admit when I first read the title, I was a bit… shocked (?), but I decided to see your perspective before judging outright and… I have to say, this actually makes a lotttt of sense! I can understand how challenging making this vid might have been for you, but honestly, thank you for being original and presenting this interesting idea. You’re a true empath and a very interesting and original person, your ways of thinking are an inspiration (even if I can disagree sometimes)
Very well articulated useful insights. Thanks! Also, No problem with BDSM in the DSM unless the individual has issues with shame, guilt, anxiety etc. as a result of participation in such activities. The committee would do well to consider your perspective on the matter. By their logic an instrument tuned sharp is ok since its not flat. (Maybe the subject hits too close to home for them.🤣)
I have no friends, no family, and I agree with your videos about why having children isn’t the right thing to do. But now I live without purpose, I wonder why I wake up in the morning. Sure, my traumatizers are gone, but I’m not at peace. I struggle to build support systems. Humans are social creatures and it turns out if you strip that away, go against human nature by thinking you don’t need others, your life will fall apart. It’s a grave misstep for humans to think they’re above dependency on others. You’re already dependant on others materialistically, for shelter, food, everything. It’s the same with the social web
@@TheToastwithTheAbsoluteMost I'm 34 and from Germany. I can tell you that it doesn't get easier or better. Not with education, glow ups or travelling... You just feel more and more empty and learn to accept.
I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
@ If I had kids maybe the meaning of that would sustain me through life, but I don’t think it’s morally correct to bring a child into this world for my selfish reasons
Don’t have children to be loved. That’s how most parents traumatize their children 😂. The problem is that they keep living inside our minds. It’s our job to re-parent ourselves with love and kindness, which is a very difficult and slow process. I’m 51 and still working on that. Be gentle on yourself.
Another thought - how can we better get informed consent for things (anything) given that unresolved trauma could be influencing ANY decision? Wouldn't the presence of an unresolved trauma create ambiguous incapacity to make some decisions?
I'd argue that it would. Cautiously so because I don't know where you want to take this. If the intention is to pinpoint the irrationality behind obe decision or the other, I agree, on the condition that we're all traumatised by various degrees. So yes we're not as objective, truthful or real as we'd like to think. :))
Thank you for sharing your insights on this topic, Daniel. It's courageous of you and helpful to many people. I'm always happy to see the notification that you put out a new video because I know I will learn something new and important when watching it
12:45 - What an interesting and perplexing point! I think the only way to "enforce" this is 2-fold - good upbringing and knowing yourself, so that you can self-regulate - we never learn this early enough. Societal polarization and "pendulumization" of topics like this make a solution a fast moving target - where do we find the balance? I think it can only come from better presence of parents, again. Would love to do a pod with you, sir
If we have hatred we must connect with hatred and its movements within and give it space to do its things on its own terms (not on thoughts terms --which is not giving it space to unfold by holding it) instead of adding a new thought-trick on top of it and call it 'forgiveness'. Maybe this true forgiveness ina ction and not thought's idea of forgiveness.
Thank you so much for finally making making and posting this video Daniel ! i kinda figured it out with myself and really feel the "tugs" of trauma wishing to be reenacted through sexuality. it can be anywhere from tiring to self hurting. the more i grieved the more obvious my kinks became but still the desire for them is strong. and while i know everything you said is correct, it was still hard for me to hear. it's so much easier to reenact and feel good or in control than to actually deal with the painful source. it's using dissociation as silence to drown the scream. as an anecdote on the subject, i remember reading on the internet about someone who described that the more she and her partner healed psychologically then their sex life became less kinky. personally i do wonder if there's some merit in exploration through such reenactment? i.e. through sexuality see what comes up and from there trying to work out the source traumas. it's more of an idea since the emotional consent for such a thing is quite problematic as you've described. so maybe more in an approach of noticing as things come up "on their own".
I take your point with this video, Daniel. But where I disagree with you is that it still seems like your understanding of sex positivity is still pretty superficial. Yes, sex positivity does make it a fundamental axiom that consensual sexual activity is fine, and morally positive or at least morally neutral so long as the boundaries of the participants are respected (and thus consent is maintained). I don't see how else we should govern a modern secular society, there doesn't seem to be a coherent alternative proposed here to the notion that the state or even other people in general should mind their business as to what we each get up to in the bedroom? What I disagree with here is that people who practice sex positivity don't exercise any self-reflective capacity about their sexual behaviours, or that they aren't encouraged to do so. One of the major books (perhaps even on the level of being the "bible") of sex positivity - The Ethical Slut - dedicates entire sections to understanding consent and boundaries, and recognising when one is feeling triggered or that a trauma is re-surfacing, and how to handle these situations. Of course, there are people who never bother to explore these things or dive into it, or attempt to heal themselves, and who don't take what's written (at length) about these things and doing this in a healthy way. But that's a different proposition to implicitly asserting it doesn't exist within the movement, or that it has never been given any real thought or attempt at disseminating information about it within the movement.
Excellent. Just Excellent. I can add nothing to this. I've never seen anybody account for the subconscious movements happening behind the scenes in terms of the well being of those involved in sexual (or hardly any!) relations. Thank you. You're doing significant work. This same principles you discuss here apply equally to all realms of social relations from our "internal" voices, to casual social relations to workplace dynamics to social class dynamics at societal levels to economics, to politics, to international relations and global economics.
But then how does healthy sexuality look like to you? I agree with many things you said. But can healthy sexuality to you only look like what kinky people call “vanilla” Sex? I mean I think a lot of what happens in sexuality is actually just part of human nature and doesn’t necessarily need to be connected to trauma. I think only being sensual and soft while being sexual is kinda boring and not what is actually true to every humans nature. Is it? I agree tho that most things that happen in SM seem pretty much straight up like abuse to me.
@@Ranix5 he has no real idea, to the best of our knowledge about him. I think he separates that from himself as something different and special, so whatever he feels is normal is just what is normal in the society, whatever doesn't feel yucky to his internalized judgement. It seems he haven't yet healed his own upbringing in that area, and it doesn't look like he's on a oath of doing so As for SM - proper SM can't really be an abuse because it's not the dom that's in control, it's the sub. This was something I was deeply recoiling from as well, so I was curious about it by being curious about myself. And my current understanding of it is - I was just perceiving it completely wrong, and it had to do with my own unresolved issues with control, being controlled, losing control, etc. They still remain to an extent so I can't really be an authirtative source, but I've had enough glimpses to say that it has nothing to do with how I used to see it
It depends on how we define vanilla sex. Does it depend on the lack of variety of the positions or just being heterosexual? Does it imply the lack of toys or does it imply just having one partner? Vanilla is a broad term that isn't quite the same for everyone.
@@rand0md00d3 One good example find out what is the source of the person's dispositions - furry costumes. If that feels deviant to them, they are likely driven by superficial social standards, not actual understanding and connection to emotions.
When you see your partner as an equal and not as someone who is there to reenact some truama related dynamic. When there is intimacy and not just sex for sex.
Sex positivity in most cases is negative space opinion, it's like becoming an avid meat eater apologist only because your enemy loves fruit. Those that are comfortable with sex aren't as loud as those that have been pulled back and "suppressed" that's where you get these people that go the extra mile to make up being held back. Trauma is a huge factor in almost all porn stars, too. Well that's just common knowledge..this video was greatly put, thanks.
What happens when you act on these sexual behaviours consciously? For example, what if I recognise that I have power issues and I consciously do it with someone that will also acknowledge their issues and do it consciously with me?
You are "healing", most likely. This can be something like exposure therapy if you try to explore yourself and are aware of yourself to an extent, but also can be toxic entenchment if you sort of lose yourself in the desires and just consume it like a drug, or like mindlessly scrolling social media, etc. You can notice that yourself - did something change over the course of 1-2 years? Do you feel the exact same things and relate to them in the exact same way? What are the changes, if there were any?
@NJ-wb1cz One can easily make the opposite argument: you aren't dealing with your trauma. You are compulsively reenacting something without looking into what makes you desire that which makes you act compulsively.
I guess you’ll do it as long you need to. Once it stops making sense to you, doesn’t turn you on or makes you feel bad, you’ll stop doing it. You don’t have to. But it’s allways good to think about stuff, about ourselves.
@Puuws I don't know that I necessarily agree with that. I think "wanting to be free from something" can be just as much of a way to reject and push that thing away instead of accepting it as a part of yourself and integrating it. Which, regardless of whether you end up becoming "free" from that thing or not (because I don't know that those desires are actually going anywhere), I think is the only way for it to stop controlling your life, even if that just means you now have an alliance with it. I think actively trying to force something away will ultimately only strengthen its hold over you and i think approaching urges like this can often lead to what people describe as "the cycle of addiction" (the cycle of addiction part is complicated though and I don't know enough about it, like surely it's better to be in the cycle of addiction than to die of an overdose from doing too much of something harmful too frequently, but maybe constantly stopping and starting those things make things like overdoses more likely in the first place as well [obviously ODing doesn't really apply to things like sex but I hope the point i'm making is still clear])
I am so glad you made this video! The subject is definitely not new, but it is mostly touched when talking about trauma and there, everyone agrees with it. But when approached from this angle, it looks new and it hopefully connects some dots.
Thanks for the video, it's so refreshing to open youtube and listen to someone who feels like real human, not actor, or someone repeating what they heard from other actor, or 've read on in article on top of google search results. You said something I knew subconciously about the whole movement, and I feel like sex positivity is great - to some degree. Thanks for new perspective
You are being as courageous as ever, Daniel. Everything you say here makes perfect sense. I wonder if you've ever seen Michael Haneke's film 'The Piano Teacher'. As with all his films it's a very hard watch, but it goes into this same area warts and all.
Its important to speak the truth and scientific facts about sex the bad effects on both mental and physical effects about the hookup culture which I have no idea who promoted.
Thank you for having the courage and honesty to share what is sadly an unpopular opinion these days. Completely agree with you. 💯 Violence and complete atrocities are being normalised, with people seeming to believe that slapping a sexual context on behaviour therefore means it is beyond reproach.
Could you talk about how Adler viewed Trauma and how our relation to Trauma itself is important to how it plays out in your life? Cause he didn't seem to put much importance on Trauma, but about how it is important where a Person is going.
I see a lot of escorts and I post on a forum for clients with other guys who see escorts. I'm sex positive but I have felt that this 'hobby' isn't very fulfilling and I've begun to wonder what the flaws of being sex positive about everything is. This video starts to answer some of those questions
Thank you, Daniel for making this most needed video, because those who may attack you for it, are the very ones who most need healing, from their own childhood abuse and trauma. If any one of them wakes up, to what could help them more towards wholeness, than their exploration of sex in unhealthy ways, then you have made your important contribution. Love&Light
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. [Luke 6:45]
I agree totally. Allowing someone to hurt you or you hurting others during sex is the same as self harm and abuse of others. A woman I know recently disclosed to me that she was into BDSM. I wasn’t surprised because I knew she was also a cutter and had done great harm to herself many times. Most people would agree the self harm of cutting is not positive or mentally healthy. Neither is BDSM imo.
If sex consent between 2 people is not actually ok, then they would find out its not in a damn hurry when they do it. If they keep saying its ok after they have sex, then either they found a workaround, or they sprak without experience (as they like the idea of thinking they know what they are talking about when they don't) or they are lying so they can keep on going when their insides are fried from previous sexual behavior.
One of the main reasons I decided to remain sexless was spiritual in scope, I learned things after lots of introspection and realized I was not someone who needed intimacy in my life. That the ideas that I needed to be with someone and "enjoying the best part about life" was almost propaganda feed to me by advertising, sex ed, porn, and lastly very un-introspective people. So I think the more I hear sex positivity the more I question it's good faith narrative and more so look and listen to it's message of undisciplined hedonism.
Everything is about hedonism. That's exactly why there are so many ads now: many companies want to profit off of the idea that someone will buy their thing if they desire it and see it often enough. Society is built on people constantly being catered to, and the excuse is all about economy. Nothing wrong with constant sexuality everywhere: it sells!
If you feel the choice for yourself or others is between total abstinence and hedonistic endless consumption, that in itself isn't "healthy" regardless what the area in question is. People can have this with all sorts of things, even food - barely eating at all because the alternative to that seems to be disgusting shameful consumption.
@NJ-wb1cz I see your reduction, and raise you this: Manageable and healthy are relative to ones environment and culture. If I take away all temptation and say "no." to something entirely, it makes people uncomfortable because most people do not have a relationship with the unforgiving/ principled . Where as I see it, if I hold firm I continue winning, as opposed to getting to "experience" moments of optimal satisfaction.
@NJ-wb1cz Ah here we meet again friend! I believe the person above was saying that people seem to believe that having sex is absolutely necessary to live a rewarding and happy life. Message which is echochambered everywhere in society in a propaganda like manner. Practically equating it to an absolute basic need like food, water, sleep... Meanwhile it can be argued that one can live a perfectly decent life without it.
I completely agree. At the same time I also realized over the last years where I'm trying to overcome some of my trauma is that knowing the problem does not mean that you will be able to solve it. It would be great to hear what you think in regard of solving the problem and potential steps required, as it does seem like sex positivity has a very close correlation to addictive behavior and maybe the same solution can be applied to solving it?
Respectfully, I disagree with your perspective. I believe these discussions are happening, but they may be in spaces you’re not exposed to due to their sensitive nature. I also think you’ve mischaracterized the sex-positive movement. Movements like BDSM often encourage deeper reflection on sexuality compared to more conventional relationships, where people aren’t typically asked to justify their preferences. While not everyone in the community is reflective or kind, the communities I've been a part of generally promote introspection and understanding. You’ve also misrepresented the movement’s stance on “acting out.” The consensus isn’t that it’s always healthy, but rather that it’s not inherently unhealthy. For example, if you had PTSD from a car accident, you might become very interested in racing games because they give you a sense of control over what happened to you. For some people, this might be unhealthy. They might enter a dissociative state, mistaking fear for excitement and reliving their trauma repeatedly. For others, it could be a positive way to process their feelings about the crash and regain a sense of control. The sex positivity movement applies similar logic to sex. It challenges the idea that sex is inherently different from other activities-more harmful or dangerous-and advocates for individuals to make their own informed decisions. I’ve seen many discussions in sex-positive and BDSM communities about hypersexuality, focusing on managing it and reflecting on whether certain behaviors are healthy for oneself or one’s partner. I don't blame you for being unaware of these spaces, because they are generally private. I find your tone unnecessarily shaming. I struggled with shame around my sexuality for a long time due to viewpoints like yours, which framed my sexuality as inherently unsafe, unhealthy, and wrong, and painted me as damaged, naive, and self-harming. However, when I finally explored my sexuality in a safe environment, I was able to begin healing from my sexual trauma by fully acknowledging my feelings, including the sexual ones, without shame. 'Acting out" was the first step for me in fully acknowledging my trauma and moving past it. Before I allowed myself to do that, my sexual behaviors were far more disordered and dangerous because I was ashamed of myself. While I understand your concerns, I encourage you to consider that these perspectives might be more nuanced than you’ve portrayed. Obviously, I'm opening myself up to judgement in your comment section by using myself as an example, and it would be very easy to dismiss me as being in denial or unable to determine what is or isn't healthy, but I encourage you to consider my perspective and to seek out the perspectives of others on this topic.
Thank you for your comment, I relate a lot and that was a great example about PTSD and racing. He focuses on superficial shaming or embracing when the real difference is in awareness or lack of awareness. And in fact the cycles between mindless embracing and mindless judgement can easily be powered by and perpetuate the exact same internal thing. The opposite of the kind of embracing he's talking about isn't recoil and limits, isn't judgment and calling it weird and disgusting, it's awareness, integration, exploration, mindful self challenge, etc.
"It challenges the idea that sex is inherently different from other activities".... Well sex IS very much inherently different from MOST other activities.
@@themplanetz it is if you make it that way, it isn't if you don't. Just like, say, interracial relationships felt completely different to some generations - that feeling was real, but the existence of that feeling wasn't mandatory, it was creates by social norms
@NJ-wb1cz I mean that sex is unlike most other activities because the possible consequences of sex are very unique to it. Pregnancies, stds, sexual violence... Not many other activities can lead to such drastic life changes and occurrences.. Those things are objectively true regardless of the culture or generation you find yourself in.
@@themplanetz violence and diseases aren't specific to this activity, and pregnancies are only specific to some kinds of it. If your criteria are really true, everyone should count say, massaging with your hands, feet, licking and sucking as a completely different type of activity. Do they?.. Do you?...
Looking at me, I see replicating some of my dynamics with my mother, brother and father in pornography in the past. I dated one girl who shared with me her "love" for BDSM. I also learned about her upbringing a little, where she needed to serve as her grandmother surrogate mother, taking care of her throughout her childhood, being cheatead out of her own. And she was motherless for large part of it. Great video as always, commenting to help spread it.
Frankly I think the “sex positivity” movement is mostly a reaction to the sex negativity you mention that is so pernicious in our culture. IMO, sex negativity is more toxic and harmful and the sex positivity stuff is at least an improvement
@@whatdoyoulivefor735you have to look at society as a collection of different cultures that have different ideas and interests. For example, not everyone in America is a Christian, yet Christianity and specifically evangelical Christianity has a major influence. Especially this true about sex, for example the idea that masturbation is bad.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 a few examples (from a U.S. perspective): - The practice of masturbation still carries shame for a lot of women. Teen boys are viewed as horndogs and assumed to be accessing porn; teen girls are viewed as having romantic more so than sexual feelings, and if they do, it’s “improper” and “unladylike” to engage with those thoughts at their own hand. - Sex before marriage, even with a long-term partner, is judged as sinful in many religious communities, which bleeds into larger society. Men and women in these communities will marry for life without knowing their own sexual likes/dislikes/boundaries, let alone if they’re sexually compatible together. - Gay sex is viewed by many (again, drawn from religious attitudes) as unnatural or soulless. - Nudity is broadly shamed in our society: films are rated for mature audiences purely for showing naked men or women, not even sex; nude beaches, saunas, etc. are not at all a thing here like in Europe where families and strangers casually go around nude. Here the naked body is seen as inherently sexual, and it therefore needs to be hidden. - The term “body count” as a way people judge a new partner; how many people that person has slept with before. A double digit answer is invariably viewed as negative by most people, devoid of context or nuance.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 people being raised to believe their bodies are "dirty" and that sexual feelings, masturbation, etc. are something to be deeply embarrassed and ashamed about. If you weren't raised in this way then consider yourself lucky.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 It's literally everywhere if you're talking about US. Don't you think it's strange that movies can contain countless gruesome murders and be deemed suitable for teens, but seeing some genitalia automatically makes them super restricted?... Massive wars are shown to literal children, traumatizing them with fear is totally fine, but just having regular human body is deemed too shameful and inappropriate to be seen.
Thank you for this critique. "Sex positivity" is a clear example of Orwellian language, where words mean the exact opposite of what they seem to mean. Anyone who has not read George Orwell's "1984" should take the time to do so now, so they can identify language misuse and attempts to distort reality, and not get sucked in.
Daniel makes a lot of assumptions here. Not everyone aroused by BDSM not everyone who creates pornography has a history of trauma. Also, many adults with histories of trauma prefer soft, “vanilla “ sex or are asexual. I’m not aware of any evidence of a clear causal relationship.
He doesn't really assume it though, we're just assuming it as he discusses his opinion on the topic. It's not suppose to be a comprehensive treaty on trauma and sex.
Anything can become damaging if someone engages with it in certain ways. We need to eat to survive, but the things you eat can harm you. Exercise is generally good for your health, but you can also injure yourself while doing it. Even sitting in bed, doing nothing that could be considered risky, will become a problem if done for too long. There's no reason that sex would be the exception. But most people try to treat it as an exception in one way or another, either by ignoring any potential risks or by treating it as this almost cursed thing: any abnormal expression of sexuality becomes, in people's minds, the symptom, cause, and perpetuation of some fundamental brokenness. There's no room for people to differ from the norm in a way that doesn't need to be "fixed". I don't want to have sex, so I have no personal stake in convincing anyone that sex is inherently good. But even this would be considered a bad sign by a lot of the same people who like to police others' sexual behavior---maybe my hormones are out of whack, maybe I'm secretly terrified of sex because of trauma, or maybe I just hate humanity and not having sex is the way I express that. It's nonsense.
I'm into kinky stuff, but I completely reject the "kink community". It always looked like a bunch of traumatized people trying to work through their trauma but in a vain and shallow way.
To a certain degree I agree with you (people can consent but actually deep inside, they don't want to consent, it's just what they're used to so they end up doing something they actually don't want to do), but I also think sex positivity can help people reframe their traumas and/or their view of sex or sexuality. Because exploring your kinks in a safe, consensual environment where your boundaries actually are respected (unlike with traumas) can help you realize you have value and can help you gain a sense of self-efficacy (if you say no in a sexual setting and nothing bad happens, then you can say it in other parts of life as well).
@brittpower I think that if you reflect on your trauma and kinks (for example in therapy), your behaviour is less ruled by trauma responses or not at all. Also I disagree sex clubs are the safest place. 😅For me the safest place is a trusted, well-known partner.
@@anna.augustinova I think you understood my comment incorrectly, maybe due to me not being clear enough. Don't feel the wish to go into an online debate, so I deleted it. Kind regards
@@anna.augustinova sex clubs and sex workers aren't safe a lot of the time. i had a friend assaulted in a sex club and i was assaulted by an escort. both the assailants were female too. you find a lot of broken people in those spaces and they don't respect sex or people.
Adults going around retraumatizing each other again and again
till all they know is to violate everything. love ends up becoming that for them.
Says who? It doesn't seem like they feel traumatized by the acts they desire to do
Or by staying connected to themselves they are subconsciously readapting to the real world instead of imitating some more proper version of themselves while their real self is locked up and static
@@TheEternalClown Some women who worked for pimps used to say that they were doing it out of desire. That they weren't victims.
Wait till you see into our economics, politics, social class dynamics, international relations, etc...
I think it's a sign of immaturity to have a black and white view of the world. I don't think sex should be shamed but I've had a lot of personal experiences where it felt like people were just using the term "sex positivity" as an excuse to take advantage of others.
The more you look into things everything becomes black and white
@@Emily-vp8dz agree with you on that
@@SaintSinister-tc7px can you give some examples of such things?
@@SaintSinister-tc7px can you provide some examples of this? I can't think of a single one outside the classic cycles of mindless embrace - mindless recoil. Things may look way more black and white in the recoil phase, but that's just going in circles, having the same blinders on while being affected by the same exact thing instead of resolving it
@@SaintSinister-tc7pxI find this funny because the opposite is generally true for me.
Thank you for this video, Daniel.
I was unconsciously living this sort of “sex positive” life, absolutely not seeing how my behavioural and feeling patterns came from my childhood abuse.
I am only now starting to realise everything, realise my traumas and horrible things my parents did, and looking back at my teenage and young adult years, and all I want to do is cry because I see an extremely sad child in a grown up’s body, putting herself into horrible, re traumatising situations, and calling it “oh I’m just sexual and enjoy kinky things”.
This shit is very painful.
Same sis, same. Gaslighted myself and normalized the trauma I put myself through.
Maybe you had to live it to understand it. Most of us are broken in some way, and we find one another with our wounds and try to deal with them and learn with them the best we can. 💗
SAME. It was wild to me when I realized just how little of all that sexual activity I engaged in was something I actually enjoyed. The “ritual” of setting up and preparing for the event was more pleasurable than the event itself, and all of it was both a distraction from intolerable pain AND a way to convince myself I was worthy in the most superficial ways possible.
I’m doing much better these days (and oddly almost completely indifferent about sex), but it’s still a lot of hard work to be authentic and not want to slide back into doing what might make me more popular, more sought-after, more praised, etc.
As a somewhat autistic man myself it's amazing to me that you women have the ability to have so much sex that you can re-traumatize yourselves. It's just so outside the realm of possibilities to me. But I defintely believe it. It must be like when you binge eat too much pizza and feel like crap afterwards and are disguisted in yourself.
I'm a sexually abused man. I've alwzys wondered if my trauma has somehow affected my sexual tendencies. Listening to the video confirmed my suspicions, it remains for me to find out in what specific ways it has.
Thanks for making this video, it was really well-timed for me. As a gay man I often feel pressure to sleep with as many men as I can, use sex for validation, etc. due to how sexualized being a gay male is, but the experience feels the same as drinking too much, using drugs, etc. - great at first, but then highly depressing. I never understood why the modern liberal idea is that any sexual "preference" should be acted upon even if it's clearly based in trauma. It's a nice reminder for me to listen to how I feel rather than what the culture says.
same sex culture is quite varied. you’re talking about the more old school trope stereotypical thing.. i don’t think that’s the majority frequently? i kno gay ppl who don’t even date, hang solo and are not worried about sex or multiple partners if any. or sometimes it can be a phase to sleep around sure, same goes with hetero tho.
i think the video is really terrible honestly too. way over generalizing that trauma compromises ability to have consent and good judgment. that’s such garbage!
peace
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free
I'm a gay millennial, and one thing I've started to ask is "of all of my friends, are the ones who are most sexually active also the happiest or the least happy friends of mine?" My personal observations tend more towards the latter hypothesis rather than the former. Which is all the reason I personally need to place at least some trust in the traditional condemnation of promiscuity.
I more or less agree with your observations about sexual activity and happiness. The problem with words such as "gay", "millennial", "promiscuity", is that they don't describe the reality of diverse human qualities, but rather manage to stick humans into artificially created groups or categories. As you indicate, having been born at a particular time (being a “millennial”), is a distinguishing factor of a particular individual, but it doesn't account for the many other facets of an individual’s personality, who will naturally have different needs - sometimes down to simply having a bigger appetite than others. Being "of" a particular generation doesn't necessarily override other human traits, but it can certainly appear to become essential to one's self-identity. Looking at the individual in the context of his own "generation", as well as preceding and succeeding ones - we find much evidence for generational conflict, such as people having been raised in the rather sexually repressive 1940s and 50s, being bound to act antagonistically against people raised in the 60s and 70s etc. But here's what's crucial, and I don't know if Daniel Mackler has made light of this in previous videos, such inter-generational conflict, the source of a lot of the trauma described by Mackler, doesn't seem to be "natural" in origin, but to have occurred by design. In other words: friction and trauma are consciously being created by ways of calibration and re-calibration of the sexual culture in particular ways, which on a superficial level, appear as one generation reacting to the shortcomings and failures of a preceding generation. On that note, Mackler recently spoke about addiction in a way, that hints at what I’m trying to say here…
You can replace that with any other verb. Eating, exercising, working, doing art, reading, travelling, whatever.
If you have a friend who's addicted to running it doesn't mean that excercise positivity is bad.
It doesn't say anything about nature of the activities themselves, it just tells us that we can distract ourselves from ourselves with literally anything, and it tells us that we should strive for mindfulness in whatever we do
@@christianschmitz5261seems like you hang out a jordan peterson or something. lots of articulation but no sensible meaning or context. wow what ?
correlation doesn’t mean causation often. often the two are confused. they might be less happy to begin with, like before they were sleeping around or whatever. the sleeping around is a side effect usually of other emotional things so. your logic seems misguided. just a thought
"I'm a gay millennial"💀
This is so important. I’ve seen people promoting healing their ADHD through BDSM and then continued to say that those with ADHD typically enjoy BDSM. Excuse me? Where did you get your research? And have you thought it may be trauma, not their ADHD?
Now that I haven't heard of 🤣
thats insane but i believe liberals are delusional
Ive been told by therapists that you can heal sa trauma through grape-play, consensual nonconsent. How! How is that going to help???????????
Adhd has strong correlation with early onset ptsd, and both have impulsive auto destructive behaviours at their core, so this follows
@@iZ-the-Egoniyeah idk if its accurate to say people with adhd 'typically' enjoy bdsm but i have heard that there is a much stronger correlation between bdsm/kink and neurodivergence than there is in the general population and i'm sure there's also a connection to trauma there with how likely neurodiverse people are to experience it
The most sex positive seem - to me - be the ones that have actually been sexually abused or shamed growing up. Has been the case with exes where they had a very mechanical view on sex. Almost as if detaching themselves emotionally from the physical act retained a sense of self from the past sexual violation. "It's just sex", it's just physical", etc. Why don't you slap me around a bit too, while you are at it?
There was no intimacy there, simply like Zizek has expressed, mutual masturbation with another, turned into a fetish - daddy issues, mommy issues. Daddy issues is again very clearly often wanting humiliation, submissiveness, and validation for it - ergo another expression again of the trauma they've suffered once upon a time: neglect, abuse, idolatry. Or simply they cater to the man, that wants that because he, growing up, was emasculated, and now has to retain it by use of another.
Having said that, there can be a balance and actual exploration and healing of trauma through it - but that doesn't often seem to be the case.
Thank you Daniel, your work means so much. Thank you for being a sane voice with integrity.
Well said!
If you want to continue on Zizek. He has said on the subject that perversion is the ultimate means for discovery and finding a nurturing healing love. I think we need to understand the nuance's of Sex Positivity's place in social order and the Neo-Liberal order which asserts profits over all.
Right now it is the prevailing narrative that love is free and non-transactional but everything around it is transaction under capitalism. SO often times there's the perversion of incentive where I can't have a memorable date because I needed to make it pricy while managing what my expectations for such spending should be.
Zizek obv does not agree w/ sex as a neutral experience. I think he would agree with Bataille on sex as a material which holds value, unique properties, and which cant be monetized or quantified. This is all to say that a person should value and make clear their bargain or they or involved parties could be at deficit. I worded this in terms that arent very orthodox.
It’s important to be aware of what sex may represent to our psyche, as any other social interactions. Being so instinctual, as eating, it’s harder to deal with. With awareness one may use it as a tool to overcome and heal traumas and destructive tendencies. On the other hand, allowing oneself to live those sexual urges freely can be a way of ultimately finding how disfunctional they really are. Debating about this subject, as you are trying to do here, is very important to raise awareness about it, for sure.
Well said, there are different levels of consciousness and if you are at that lower animalistic level in which you are enslaved by lust, you have no choice but to experience it's highs and lows since it's not possible yet to see further beyond until you grow from experience. Telling those people that sex can be experienced in more whole and healthier ways or can even be used for healing and elevating yourself is the same as going into a bar and saying: "Listen up everyone! I know better, more fulfilling and wholesome ways to have fun/deal with your misery than alcohol. You just have to do a lot of inner work but I promise it will be worth it in the end, just lay down the bottle!" People will think you're crazy and from their level of consciousness, rightfully so, since most are not ready to hear it and are not capable of doing the work but you're still nudging them to go into that direction. So let them have their coping mechanisms, it's the only way they can see to deal with their pain. Some will fall and never learn, others will grow out of it and seek the right help when it is time. It's the perfect reflection of the state of the world and collective consciousness right now: in pain, still in survival mode in which the lower animalistic instincts prevail above higher consciousness and that is a breeding ground for a selfish transactional nature, devoid of love and introspection. But slowly, very slowly working through it.
We cannot rush the process, in fact I would say that people who cannot accept this state of the world and are triggered by it still have a lot of inner work to do, mostly on their own suppressed lower animalistic nature.
All the best 🙏
I agree with Daniel. The whole movement towards making sex-whenever-and-wherever a kind of presumptive good has a lot of evil intent behind it. Its rotten and sick, being brutally honest.
Consenting adults inviting others to violate them is no more positive than drinking yourself to a stupor any time you feel an incling of a negative emotion. Neither hurt anyone else, which upon deep conversations with many liberally minded friends is the basis for their morality, both hurt yourself, which is sadly of no concern.
What about consenting adults doing bungee jumping to explore ther fear of heights?
Anything that provides strong emotional response can be misused, from relationships to sports to art to food to music etc.
Comparing any of that tp drugs only shows the relationship a particular person has with that thing. Say, someone addicted to cheeses could see the devil in them, and could assume that everyone who enjoys them freely is broken, but they will merely describe what they themselves can see.
@NJ-wb1czeven Daniel is mostly speculating about the relationships people have to something like BDSM. But it's still worth talking about even if it's not necessarily in every case harmful. There's reason to believe it's harmful in many cases.
@NJ-wb1cz I'm an addict but I don't believe that all. Maybe you can casually do some of the drugs I've done and it's fine for you. I don't need to create a vision of it that isn't there. I think you're describing some kind of projection but not everyone projects. You're the only one projecting in this comment thread for example.
@NJ-wb1cz it's not that sexual exploration is addicting in nature (though it might be for some), it's that it's the type of wreckless behavior that can hurt you more than help in the long run even though it can help mute your feelings in the moment. A better analogy than budgee would be getting a sports bike and doing 300 on a highway. You think you're helping yourself, but you're not exploring anything, you're just being reckless.
@@JewTube001 hope you beat your addiction. See my comment above for clarification. Your username gave me a decent laugh. Cheers.
I strongly resonate with your idea.
It is too much of a coincidence that all the people I've met who were into sex positivity also have had indicators of being emotionally disregulated, or outright told me they were abused early in their life.
Funny enough I think that both hypersexuality and asexuality are trauma related.
I consider myself demi asexual. It's when you can only want them once you know them deeply as a person and trust them.
And despite many people in that community saying that it's just how you are born, I intuit that this visceral need for safety, that even overrides arousal, is somehow related to adverse experiences growing up.
As both a psychologist & demi-sexual person myself, I strongly agree
I agree, I think many of the terms floating around as 'sexualities' are actually just a way of normalizing not addressing the way traumas impact us sexually. I've personally flirted with the asexuality label, but feel deep down it's not my truth. I'm sex and intimacy avoidant due to past experiences (not even necessarily sexual in nature) that manifest as a physiological 'clamping down' of sexual desires.
Well, yeah, that's how they grow. Someone who had regular background had regular behaviors and is accepted by default. Someone who didn't have a regular background doesn't have regular behaviors so they need acceptance from others to explore themselves and eventually allow themselves to readapt.
If you tell them that who they are is something disgusting and yucky, then they will remain stunted, disconnected from themselves while imitating proper behavior
I agree. I think we are more spiritual beings, and sexuality is our physical animalistic part.. kinda hard to put it into words.. sorry
@@liubovarista8133 eating is way more animalistic, but this doesn't mean we can't have it be integrated into the rest of our life fluently and healthily.
And it doesn't mean that feeling weird towards food or somehow separating eating from the rest of our life is something that helps us.
Daniel says this, but this needs to be overtly and explicitly and clearly stated, Any type of trauma can cause both hypersexuality and asexuality. [Not just s-trauma, that is a myth. and hyposexuality can be an effect too of any type of trauma.]
Some people aren't clearly listening and may misconstrued and reject in denial, as a couple people already commented.
yes it can cause perversions, or have avoidance of anything sexual at all. there's a lot of variables. more focus is on sex positivity these days because that's mostly what's been pushed in western society the last two or three decades.
Thank you Daniel! You are articulating something here that i have felt but haven't been able to put words to. I appreciate your work 🙏
I was always very "open" and hypersexual, obsessed with the whole topic, experiencing all the "kinky" stuff etc. - until I started therapy with almost 40. It than came very naturally to me to stay single and over the course of 3 years in therapy I have lost all interest in sex since I have dealt and am still dealing with my childhood traumas. I feel great peace and healthy boundaries now, I don't miss it at all. When I look back - yes, I was acting out all the traumas again and again through sex. I am very happy I am not doing this anymore, it is so much better for my soul. I also noticed how sensitive I became for the constant exposure to this topic, even in movies and advertising I feel it is way to much what we see. Many people now call me prim or prudish, but I just can't relate to these things anymore, at least not in the way it is constantly presented, as such it has completely lost its magic.
A little different path for me, but similar, I did it all when I was young, then a monogamous marriage (which I did successfully, but had to adjust to after the life I had before) now my husband and I are happily celibate due to health issues (both of us). We had a lot to work through when this happened, but now we are free. Free to feel good about ourselves on other measures, free time, free mental energy for other things in life. I am having a hard time with my post-divorce friends who want to do all the exploring I did in my 20's. I want to say, been there, done that, not worth it, I don't want to hear about it. Do you have friends who just don't get where you are at. I mean if someone told me they were celibate, I would not go on about my poly relationship.
Same here!
@@MWear-x8t Are you sure he's celibate ? Millions of men see sex workers and the majority of those men are married and middle aged. It's very common when the bedroom dies.
@MWear-x8t could you talk more about the adjustment phase from a promiscuous lifestyle to a monogamous marriage? What were the challenges you had to overcome? And how was the path to becoming eventually celibate with a partner? Did it strengthen your relationship?
@@blueSfire77 It had to do with identity issues, self worth issues, refocussing, realizing expressing sexual energy is a privilege not a right. Yes, we need passion in our lives, but we can redirect it. I am not sure how a non-creative person would do this. The adjustment did take some time. I had to stop looking to the outside for validation. Thing is, even when I managed to stop doing this with all kinds of people, I was still doing this in my relationship. That was ok, but now being an olderish (still pre-menopause) and not having a sexual relationship was a blow to my ego. Who was I? This opened up several areas of self growth. Yes, I miss it, but it is not the be all and end all I thought it was in my youth. I thought life was about sex and good food and physical pleasure. It's about creativity and being the kindest best person you can be. Also, I don't stuff down pain with the excitement of a new partner like I did when I was young. I think this guy is right that healing trauma has something to do with it. To be monogamous I had to deal with some trauma at least to some extent. I think some people who were used sexually as children think that is part of their worth and who they are. It is a lot of work to find and love the self behind that.
Yes - sex positivity is between me and me.. all the parts of me need to feel safe and be able/want to give consent. From past experiences, yes I was a "consenting adult" but I was completely dissociated and deep down didn't actually want to be in that experience. Taking 100% responsibility for caring for myself makes the term "sex positivity" irrelevant because it is merely an external label used to defend against shaming. I'm inherently "sex positive" because I am a sovereign being, heal myself and respect my body.
Thank you for making this video. Rarely do I hear your opinions repeated in other spaces but you always seem to read my mind. Keep saying what you believe, it's greatly appreciated.
This video was divine timing on my end...thank you.
Increadibly accurate and insightful, found myself nodding in agreement as you spoke.
It's a very scary topic to touch indeed, you must've mustered a lot of courage to come up and say all that - and I'm glad you did Daniel✨
very interesting
As someone who engages in watching some weird adult content it is hard to listen to videos like this. The sex positive community is totally agreeing with me and validating "my preferances" and to listen to you I have to face that maybe actually I am engaging in self harm of some kind which is really scary.
Perhaps consider the other people you are harming when you consume such 'content', not just yourself.
Is it ok if I ask a question to your comment? One of your sentences made me curious.
For most people the shame is too much to even reflect on those things. Keep that curious and honest part of you alive!
@4thllzWho is being harmed in content made consensually or in artwork/3D models?
Just try to observe all of yourself to some extent instead of being lost in automatically satisfying yourself or judging yourself. Experiment not just with the stuff you consume, but with your own feelings in the moment, be curious about yourself while feeling attraction or recoil fully
Being all of yourself mindfully is very much relevant to whatever "weird" things we do, and whatever recoil we feel against those "weird" things. The best meditation isn't when you feel nothing and are chill, but when you are perturbed in some way, whether positive or negative
And how often does it happen in real life that people do not have any unconscious motivations at all when having sex?
Happens all the time. Especially people that abuse: they do want control and they'll manipulate people for it regardless of the context. For people that want love and to beloved, they do think about pleasuring the other. Humans think all the time.
I'm sure there's some actualized geniuses out there that found all their motivations. Probably going to be a small percentage of people though. Like 1% or less.
I pretty much agree with most of what you’re saying here (though only a year ago I would’ve said the opposite), but I think you’re not mentioning some crucial parts. People in the western world are having less sex than before, but sex plays an important social role for all primates. Stigma around sex and poor sex education only add fuel to the fire. So sex positivity may well be helping, but I feel it’s largely just the mirror image of sex negativity that’s been part of our society for quite a while.
I feel that’s the more accurate point to make on this topic - that it was bad before and now it’s bad in the opposite way, precisely because it was bad before. We should be striving for balance, not the other extreme. But sex can certainly be therapeutic too… like with anything that can be abused, it’s all about the individual’s relationship to it, and not about the nature of the thing itself.
Sex is important, but what's the point of sex without connection? the problem isn't the lack of sex, it's just a symptom of a lack of connection.
Sex positive people see their parents and other role models have meaningless, maybe obligated sex and learn that it's acceptable. With all they have promoted, they still have ignored the most crucial part of sex.
I think it's younger people having less sex, but they're not less sexual, they use porn a lot more. Basically the impacts of technology. Harder to connect with people in real life but easier to access content.
I am so very grateful for you Daniel. Thank you for being a truth speaker.
Ours is a very sick culture. Sex positivity has done alot of social damage.
You do have a point. It just doesn't feel comfortable to confront this. Especially since sexuality is often a basis from which relationships are formed. And if this basis is not solid to begin with, questioning sexuality also means questioning relationships.
Also a lie about encouraging gay and lesbian relationships. I’m not mean but if people want the truth. I mean it’s whatever people can do whatever they want
@@Smartbeautifulawesome ?
@@B-fq7ff she's assuming LGBT are mentally damaged I'd assume.
Glad you made the video. You put into words many things I didn't know how to phrase but that I agree 100% with. Big hug and thank you! 🩷🩷✨️🌿
I actually felt so discomforted when I found out what sex was and that my parents were doing that. They never showed affection to each other. No kisses, handholding, dates. And they even were passive aggressive and had escalating behavior. My mom would always get set off by my dad's alcohol issues. And my dad would get the same treatment from her that he got from his mother.
nuance and balance are the key, here, in my opinion. i tend to support sex positivity, which, to my end, means "conscious, mindful sex without feeling embarrassed". this, however, requires both parties to be adequately aware of themselves and, within them, their trauma, which isn't necessarily easy to find. i have been lucky enough to encounter generally mindful, emotionally mature, and trauma aware men on my "promiscuous" era, if you will, but it could've gone downhill so fast should i wasn't so lucky. thank you for sharing your complex take.
Just because we understand how to connect a plug to the wall, doesn't mean we understand electricity. There are clearly several aspects of the subject that we are failing to understand, and we flip-flop from one extreme to the other, from prudishness to hedonistic indulgence, and back again.
This lack of understanding extends to both parties. The majority of people, in particular one half of the human equation, can't even sit still for 5 minutes or not be glued to their phones. And I'm supposed to believe they are liberated enough of their own self to be able to fully surrender in the moment and be present with another person, to allow the fullest expression of the act?
You only ever hear about 'learning' in one direction, that is MORE. How many people have even attempted to go a month without even thinking about 'it'? When you do, you will be confronted by your entire psychology as nature attempts to get you back on the horse. And for a lot of people they will simply go the other direction because they do not want to confront aspects of their psychology e.g. trauma.
Re the lack of self reflection: they do something even worse. They tell people who dont want to "explore" that they are uptight and prudish and that, not the acting out, is the sign of trauma. That they somehow the healthy ones for acting it out in the open.
Don't take it personal. It's just a defense mechanism of the mind to justify their behaviour because subconsciously they know it's self destructive and not getting them anywhere. Always remember, people who are fully secure and confident in themselves and their choices don't have to convince/shame anyone who does the opposite. If you would tell me that exercise is bad and that it will make me obese and it is not debatable I would just laugh in your face and move on as I know better. These people are just triggered and don't even know it. If you can, try not to judge. They are doing the best they can with the capabilities they got, right now their consciousness is on the lower animalistic part of the spectrum in which they are enslaved by lust. The only thing the mind can see is how it needs sex to fill the voids they cannot fill themselves with inner work. So it's the only way to relieve the pains and stressors of life for them, anything else won't register. Some grow out of it by learning from experience, others will stay miserable for the rest of their lives. I find the notion that you can only explore yourself with others to be laughable, it might be A way and not even the most efficient one at that. It's exploration of SELF, so you can do it yourself as I and many others have experienced. Oh well, only thing you can do is to focus on yourself.
All the best 🙏
Daniel you bring a great consciousness to things that the world prefers stay unconscious - chief of which is that there has been and continues to be extensive abuse and neglect of children within the sanctity of the home. Through this video I realise my years of celibacy (not chosen consciously) are also an unconscious trauma response of safety just as much as the hyper sexuality that tends to be expressed and rewarded in the Western world. I have carried a lot of shame about that as if there was a deficit in me but listening to you I recognise actually a discernment that most of the sex I have experienced was not empowering, not a sacred sharing of a physical experience with another human being. Neither I nor almost all of my sexual partners were able to tolerate that true sexual intimacy. I salute you for your sharing of your wisdom not as judgement at all but shining a light on what is actually happening. Thank you so much.
thanks for your intellectual honesty and courage. people who understand psychology should be at the forefront of these kinds of discussions.
This needs to be said. Somehow I understand. I also noticed that you're choking up and barely getting the words out that is a reflection of how judgemental our society is. Bill Wilson mentioned about opinions of sex either being "a straight pepper diet", or repression. In our society we can't be safe and we can't be ourselves without being judged. I think it's really sad that some of us can barely even talk about it literally.
I always wondered if Daniel just had pre-recorded four hundred videos in one week several years ago without changing clothes or just keeps making them as time goes by
😂
I think it's both that and also him just liking his routine and concentrating on what's important for him, choosing between different clothes probably isn't the type of self expression he is going for daily.
Just think of him as a youtube Mr Rodgers.
I love Daniel's way of consistently presenting himself simply with nice simple quiet colors blending with the environment background. It fits him and makes us focus more on the importance of what he says than distracting us with how he looks.
I believe he’s mentioned before that he is a minimalist and chooses not to have a large wardrobe
That was a very wholistic and nuanced analysis. When you consider the various forces of upheavel, chaos, and machivelianism in history and society, thats a can of worms most people wont touch with a 10 foot pole.
I have been saying this, and people called me a prude. But it has nothing to do with prudishness, but as you say, just looking honestly at what’s going on..
Very interesting video, it came in divine timing for me and I deeply appreciate it. Would be nice to have a follow up video on what healthy sexuality looks like and how to develop it!
Some people are conscious about what they are acting out (and even why), where it takes them emotionally and even have some idea how it might be healing. But your critique is important in general! However, philosophically/politically a person who is traumatized could not consent to anything that has adult risk. To have full rights of citizen. Get married? Join the army? That doesn't work. Good for making this video end of the day!
In my experience, what helped me most is feeling my desires and just sitting with them, trying to get to the root of them. I feel like that's what this video is trying to get at really as well. Usually in this way my relationship to my desires changes substantially. It turns from an unconscious urge, which left me with nothing valuable and lasting outside the pleasure of the moment, to a conscious, even creative kind of force. I found it to be the only way to break compulsion, and I guess to be able to reflect on your desires it often requires one to first go through the feeling of shame, which is not easy, and so many reply to any critique of sex-positivity feeling like you're trying to reinforce shame again, but I really don't see you doing that here as I mentioned, and as you say as well. Thank you for your honesty Daniel!
To be "sex positive" in the way to be like an animal.. maybe it's not bad.. but you gotta grow up spiritually. Thank you Daniel! Very profound video. Much ❤️ love
I couldn't agree more. And admittedly, after I've said that sadomadochism is unhealed trauma played out in sex, to become addictive, conditioning and a source of a dysfunctional cycle, of abuse, let's say it, for those bringing up consent - that's to be discussed in lieu of conditioning someone to accept and crave (because of the release and relief of anxiety build up) pain, so how consensual can it really be!? Needless to say I was called sex negative, prude, conservative and terf back then. And, to my shame I went on to stand by a degree of relativism that, it could be argued, misinterprets personal freedom with aimlessness as well as confusion. Admittedly and arguably. But I agree with you, completely. Just the other day I was thinking about how excessive relativism has diluted things to the degree of no return, perhaps.
their judgment and rigidity is evidence of their own conditioning. It's hard to see how they're so different when they're just as judgmental as the people they oppose.
As someone who was deeply traumatized as a child, although NOT sexually, it REALLY screwed up my views on sex and basically shamed me away from
ANY sexual exploration for the next 40 years. I'm exploring that side of me now, and to be completely transparent here, I'm in therapy with a great trauma therapist, so I'm actively "doing the work." Looking at these things with a moderate amount of clarity, I've been able to see what is healthy and what is not, FOR ME. I've been on a kink site for several years as I've been working through my stuff and have drawn some of the same conclusions as you cover here. I think the problem is that there are thousands (likely more) of people who came from backgrounds similar to my own who are NOT doing the work and continue to replay their abuse as "kink." So does two people consensually exploring their own sexuality make it unhealthy? It sounds more like a philosophical topic than a moral/ethical one?
It's tricky, because when people feel shame about their sexual desires, it just makes things worse. It's a tight rope walk to accept the way one is, while at the same time moving to a different way of being.
I guess it depends on what kind of sexual desires: it's important that, if someone has deviant sexual desires or desires to hurt someone else, yeah it should be addressed and it should be condemned. It should definitely be healed, but the judgement needs to be there: sexuality is not an excuse to desire wrong things.
@@rand0md00d3 whats wrong things though? because that's part of the debate.
Oooooh, I have to admit when I first read the title, I was a bit… shocked (?), but I decided to see your perspective before judging outright and… I have to say, this actually makes a lotttt of sense! I can understand how challenging making this vid might have been for you, but honestly, thank you for being original and presenting this interesting idea. You’re a true empath and a very interesting and original person, your ways of thinking are an inspiration (even if I can disagree sometimes)
Very well articulated useful insights. Thanks!
Also,
No problem with BDSM in the DSM unless the individual has issues with shame, guilt, anxiety etc. as a result of participation in such activities. The committee would do well to consider your perspective on the matter. By their logic an instrument tuned sharp is ok since its not flat. (Maybe the subject hits too close to home for them.🤣)
Another great insightful video.
Thank you so much, I feel the truth in what you are saying. Keep going!
I have no friends, no family, and I agree with your videos about why having children isn’t the right thing to do. But now I live without purpose, I wonder why I wake up in the morning. Sure, my traumatizers are gone, but I’m not at peace. I struggle to build support systems. Humans are social creatures and it turns out if you strip that away, go against human nature by thinking you don’t need others, your life will fall apart. It’s a grave misstep for humans to think they’re above dependency on others. You’re already dependant on others materialistically, for shelter, food, everything. It’s the same with the social web
I thought I wrote that :)) How old are you and where are you from if I may ask.
@@TheToastwithTheAbsoluteMost I'm 34 and from Germany. I can tell you that it doesn't get easier or better. Not with education, glow ups or travelling... You just feel more and more empty and learn to accept.
I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning, I break my legs, and every afternoon, I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
@ If I had kids maybe the meaning of that would sustain me through life, but I don’t think it’s morally correct to bring a child into this world for my selfish reasons
Don’t have children to be loved. That’s how most parents traumatize their children 😂. The problem is that they keep living inside our minds. It’s our job to re-parent ourselves with love and kindness, which is a very difficult and slow process. I’m 51 and still working on that. Be gentle on yourself.
THIS!! Thank you for articulating this and putting this out.
Another thought - how can we better get informed consent for things (anything) given that unresolved trauma could be influencing ANY decision? Wouldn't the presence of an unresolved trauma create ambiguous incapacity to make some decisions?
I'd argue that it would. Cautiously so because I don't know where you want to take this. If the intention is to pinpoint the irrationality behind obe decision or the other, I agree, on the condition that we're all traumatised by various degrees. So yes we're not as objective, truthful or real as we'd like to think. :))
Legally it would be really difficult and I think undesirable. But there are avenues other than legal someone can make a difference.
Thank you for sharing your insights on this topic, Daniel. It's courageous of you and helpful to many people. I'm always happy to see the notification that you put out a new video because I know I will learn something new and important when watching it
12:45 - What an interesting and perplexing point! I think the only way to "enforce" this is 2-fold - good upbringing and knowing yourself, so that you can self-regulate - we never learn this early enough.
Societal polarization and "pendulumization" of topics like this make a solution a fast moving target - where do we find the balance? I think it can only come from better presence of parents, again.
Would love to do a pod with you, sir
If we have hatred we must connect with hatred and its movements within and give it space to do its things on its own terms (not on thoughts terms --which is not giving it space to unfold by holding it) instead of adding a new thought-trick on top of it and call it 'forgiveness'. Maybe this true forgiveness ina ction and not thought's idea of forgiveness.
Thanks for the video Daniel. What you do is brilliant. Thank you
Thank you so much for finally making making and posting this video Daniel !
i kinda figured it out with myself and really feel the "tugs" of trauma wishing to be reenacted through sexuality. it can be anywhere from tiring to self hurting. the more i grieved the more obvious my kinks became but still the desire for them is strong. and while i know everything you said is correct, it was still hard for me to hear. it's so much easier to reenact and feel good or in control than to actually deal with the painful source. it's using dissociation as silence to drown the scream.
as an anecdote on the subject, i remember reading on the internet about someone who described that the more she and her partner healed psychologically then their sex life became less kinky.
personally i do wonder if there's some merit in exploration through such reenactment? i.e. through sexuality see what comes up and from there trying to work out the source traumas. it's more of an idea since the emotional consent for such a thing is quite problematic as you've described. so maybe more in an approach of noticing as things come up "on their own".
I take your point with this video, Daniel. But where I disagree with you is that it still seems like your understanding of sex positivity is still pretty superficial. Yes, sex positivity does make it a fundamental axiom that consensual sexual activity is fine, and morally positive or at least morally neutral so long as the boundaries of the participants are respected (and thus consent is maintained). I don't see how else we should govern a modern secular society, there doesn't seem to be a coherent alternative proposed here to the notion that the state or even other people in general should mind their business as to what we each get up to in the bedroom?
What I disagree with here is that people who practice sex positivity don't exercise any self-reflective capacity about their sexual behaviours, or that they aren't encouraged to do so. One of the major books (perhaps even on the level of being the "bible") of sex positivity - The Ethical Slut - dedicates entire sections to understanding consent and boundaries, and recognising when one is feeling triggered or that a trauma is re-surfacing, and how to handle these situations.
Of course, there are people who never bother to explore these things or dive into it, or attempt to heal themselves, and who don't take what's written (at length) about these things and doing this in a healthy way. But that's a different proposition to implicitly asserting it doesn't exist within the movement, or that it has never been given any real thought or attempt at disseminating information about it within the movement.
Daniel what a great video! I totally agree... 🎉
Thank you so much for this video. I thought that I'm the only one who sees it for what it really is.
Well made video! Both extremes of this movement can get so defensive and for all the wrong reasons.
Excellent. Just Excellent. I can add nothing to this. I've never seen anybody account for the subconscious movements happening behind the scenes in terms of the well being of those involved in sexual (or hardly any!) relations. Thank you. You're doing significant work.
This same principles you discuss here apply equally to all realms of social relations from our "internal" voices, to casual social relations to workplace dynamics to social class dynamics at societal levels to economics, to politics, to international relations and global economics.
I've seen some people express that, but they're immediately shunned and bullied by the "kinky" community, no questions asked lol
I agree with this.
But then how does healthy sexuality look like to you? I agree with many things you said. But can healthy sexuality to you only look like what kinky people call “vanilla” Sex? I mean I think a lot of what happens in sexuality is actually just part of human nature and doesn’t necessarily need to be connected to trauma. I think only being sensual and soft while being sexual is kinda boring and not what is actually true to every humans nature. Is it? I agree tho that most things that happen in SM seem pretty much straight up like abuse to me.
@@Ranix5 he has no real idea, to the best of our knowledge about him. I think he separates that from himself as something different and special, so whatever he feels is normal is just what is normal in the society, whatever doesn't feel yucky to his internalized judgement.
It seems he haven't yet healed his own upbringing in that area, and it doesn't look like he's on a oath of doing so
As for SM - proper SM can't really be an abuse because it's not the dom that's in control, it's the sub. This was something I was deeply recoiling from as well, so I was curious about it by being curious about myself. And my current understanding of it is - I was just perceiving it completely wrong, and it had to do with my own unresolved issues with control, being controlled, losing control, etc. They still remain to an extent so I can't really be an authirtative source, but I've had enough glimpses to say that it has nothing to do with how I used to see it
It depends on how we define vanilla sex. Does it depend on the lack of variety of the positions or just being heterosexual? Does it imply the lack of toys or does it imply just having one partner? Vanilla is a broad term that isn't quite the same for everyone.
@@rand0md00d3 One good example find out what is the source of the person's dispositions - furry costumes. If that feels deviant to them, they are likely driven by superficial social standards, not actual understanding and connection to emotions.
When you see your partner as an equal and not as someone who is there to reenact some truama related dynamic. When there is intimacy and not just sex for sex.
Vanilla sex is sex without roleplays and toys. It can be as intense as you want. Its sex without a gimmick.
yeah, a new Daniel video! 🎉
Sex positivity in most cases is negative space opinion, it's like becoming an avid meat eater apologist only because your enemy loves fruit. Those that are comfortable with sex aren't as loud as those that have been pulled back and "suppressed" that's where you get these people that go the extra mile to make up being held back. Trauma is a huge factor in almost all porn stars, too. Well that's just common knowledge..this video was greatly put, thanks.
What happens when you act on these sexual behaviours consciously? For example, what if I recognise that I have power issues and I consciously do it with someone that will also acknowledge their issues and do it consciously with me?
You are "healing", most likely. This can be something like exposure therapy if you try to explore yourself and are aware of yourself to an extent, but also can be toxic entenchment if you sort of lose yourself in the desires and just consume it like a drug, or like mindlessly scrolling social media, etc.
You can notice that yourself - did something change over the course of 1-2 years? Do you feel the exact same things and relate to them in the exact same way? What are the changes, if there were any?
@NJ-wb1cz One can easily make the opposite argument: you aren't dealing with your trauma. You are compulsively reenacting something without looking into what makes you desire that which makes you act compulsively.
@@neon75105but then what if both people are looking into that while consciously engaging in these acts?
I guess you’ll do it as long you need to. Once it stops making sense to you, doesn’t turn you on or makes you feel bad, you’ll stop doing it. You don’t have to. But it’s allways good to think about stuff, about ourselves.
@Puuws I don't know that I necessarily agree with that. I think "wanting to be free from something" can be just as much of a way to reject and push that thing away instead of accepting it as a part of yourself and integrating it. Which, regardless of whether you end up becoming "free" from that thing or not (because I don't know that those desires are actually going anywhere), I think is the only way for it to stop controlling your life, even if that just means you now have an alliance with it. I think actively trying to force something away will ultimately only strengthen its hold over you and i think approaching urges like this can often lead to what people describe as "the cycle of addiction"
(the cycle of addiction part is complicated though and I don't know enough about it, like surely it's better to be in the cycle of addiction than to die of an overdose from doing too much of something harmful too frequently, but maybe constantly stopping and starting those things make things like overdoses more likely in the first place as well [obviously ODing doesn't really apply to things like sex but I hope the point i'm making is still clear])
Thanks for talking about it. It's actually a big important factor and I witnessed the same problems you mentioned here
You are absolutely right, Daniel:) 💛
I am so glad you made this video! The subject is definitely not new, but it is mostly touched when talking about trauma and there, everyone agrees with it. But when approached from this angle, it looks new and it hopefully connects some dots.
Thanks for the video, it's so refreshing to open youtube and listen to someone who feels like real human, not actor, or someone repeating what they heard from other actor, or 've read on in article on top of google search results.
You said something I knew subconciously about the whole movement, and I feel like sex positivity is great - to some degree. Thanks for new perspective
You are being as courageous as ever, Daniel. Everything you say here makes perfect sense. I wonder if you've ever seen Michael Haneke's film 'The Piano Teacher'. As with all his films it's a very hard watch, but it goes into this same area warts and all.
This is incredibly well thought and put. Thank you.
Its important to speak the truth and scientific facts about sex the bad effects on both mental and physical effects about the hookup culture which I have no idea who promoted.
Yes, it is unhealthy. If there is no closeness and intimacy in sexual contact then it is unhealthy.
Thank you for having the courage and honesty to share what is sadly an unpopular opinion these days.
Completely agree with you. 💯
Violence and complete atrocities are being normalised, with people seeming to believe that slapping a sexual context on behaviour therefore means it is beyond reproach.
Could you talk about how Adler viewed Trauma and how our relation to Trauma itself is important to how it plays out in your life? Cause he didn't seem to put much importance on Trauma, but about how it is important where a Person is going.
I see a lot of escorts and I post on a forum for clients with other guys who see escorts. I'm sex positive but I have felt that this 'hobby' isn't very fulfilling and I've begun to wonder what the flaws of being sex positive about everything is. This video starts to answer some of those questions
Thank you, Daniel for making this most needed video, because those who may attack you for it, are the very ones who most need healing, from their own childhood abuse and trauma. If any one of them wakes up, to what could help them more towards wholeness, than their exploration of sex in unhealthy ways, then you have made your important contribution. Love&Light
Superb Daniel. One of the best. A truly brilliant articulation ❤ Thank you.
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. [Luke 6:45]
I agree totally. Allowing someone to hurt you or you hurting others during sex is the same as self harm and abuse of others. A woman I know recently disclosed to me that she was into BDSM. I wasn’t surprised because I knew she was also a cutter and had done great harm to herself many times. Most people would agree the self harm of cutting is not positive or mentally healthy. Neither is BDSM imo.
Thank you so much, for having the courage to make this video!
this video could not have come at a better time for me... thank you for your insight, daniel.
If sex consent between 2 people is not actually ok, then they would find out its not in a damn hurry when they do it.
If they keep saying its ok after they have sex, then either they found a workaround, or they sprak without experience (as they like the idea of thinking they know what they are talking about when they don't) or they are lying so they can keep on going when their insides are fried from previous sexual behavior.
One of the main reasons I decided to remain sexless was spiritual in scope, I learned things after lots of introspection and realized I was not someone who needed intimacy in my life. That the ideas that I needed to be with someone and "enjoying the best part about life" was almost propaganda feed to me by advertising, sex ed, porn, and lastly very un-introspective people. So I think the more I hear sex positivity the more I question it's good faith narrative and more so look and listen to it's message of undisciplined hedonism.
Everything is about hedonism. That's exactly why there are so many ads now: many companies want to profit off of the idea that someone will buy their thing if they desire it and see it often enough. Society is built on people constantly being catered to, and the excuse is all about economy. Nothing wrong with constant sexuality everywhere: it sells!
If you feel the choice for yourself or others is between total abstinence and hedonistic endless consumption, that in itself isn't "healthy" regardless what the area in question is.
People can have this with all sorts of things, even food - barely eating at all because the alternative to that seems to be disgusting shameful consumption.
@NJ-wb1cz I see your reduction, and raise you this: Manageable and healthy are relative to ones environment and culture. If I take away all temptation and say "no." to something entirely, it makes people uncomfortable because most people do not have a relationship with the unforgiving/ principled . Where as I see it, if I hold firm I continue winning, as opposed to getting to "experience" moments of optimal satisfaction.
@NJ-wb1cz Ah here we meet again friend! I believe the person above was saying that people seem to believe that having sex is absolutely necessary to live a rewarding and happy life. Message which is echochambered everywhere in society in a propaganda like manner. Practically equating it to an absolute basic need like food, water, sleep... Meanwhile it can be argued that one can live a perfectly decent life without it.
@ 10 points awarded to you for "getting it". :)
Yep, it can be used like a drug to avoid the pain of grief for recovery. I had no idea but I did it myself in my younger years.
I completely agree. At the same time I also realized over the last years where I'm trying to overcome some of my trauma is that knowing the problem does not mean that you will be able to solve it. It would be great to hear what you think in regard of solving the problem and potential steps required, as it does seem like sex positivity has a very close correlation to addictive behavior and maybe the same solution can be applied to solving it?
Respectfully, I disagree with your perspective. I believe these discussions are happening, but they may be in spaces you’re not exposed to due to their sensitive nature. I also think you’ve mischaracterized the sex-positive movement. Movements like BDSM often encourage deeper reflection on sexuality compared to more conventional relationships, where people aren’t typically asked to justify their preferences. While not everyone in the community is reflective or kind, the communities I've been a part of generally promote introspection and understanding.
You’ve also misrepresented the movement’s stance on “acting out.” The consensus isn’t that it’s always healthy, but rather that it’s not inherently unhealthy.
For example, if you had PTSD from a car accident, you might become very interested in racing games because they give you a sense of control over what happened to you. For some people, this might be unhealthy. They might enter a dissociative state, mistaking fear for excitement and reliving their trauma repeatedly. For others, it could be a positive way to process their feelings about the crash and regain a sense of control.
The sex positivity movement applies similar logic to sex. It challenges the idea that sex is inherently different from other activities-more harmful or dangerous-and advocates for individuals to make their own informed decisions.
I’ve seen many discussions in sex-positive and BDSM communities about hypersexuality, focusing on managing it and reflecting on whether certain behaviors are healthy for oneself or one’s partner. I don't blame you for being unaware of these spaces, because they are generally private.
I find your tone unnecessarily shaming. I struggled with shame around my sexuality for a long time due to viewpoints like yours, which framed my sexuality as inherently unsafe, unhealthy, and wrong, and painted me as damaged, naive, and self-harming. However, when I finally explored my sexuality in a safe environment, I was able to begin healing from my sexual trauma by fully acknowledging my feelings, including the sexual ones, without shame. 'Acting out" was the first step for me in fully acknowledging my trauma and moving past it. Before I allowed myself to do that, my sexual behaviors were far more disordered and dangerous because I was ashamed of myself.
While I understand your concerns, I encourage you to consider that these perspectives might be more nuanced than you’ve portrayed. Obviously, I'm opening myself up to judgement in your comment section by using myself as an example, and it would be very easy to dismiss me as being in denial or unable to determine what is or isn't healthy, but I encourage you to consider my perspective and to seek out the perspectives of others on this topic.
Thank you for your comment, I relate a lot and that was a great example about PTSD and racing.
He focuses on superficial shaming or embracing when the real difference is in awareness or lack of awareness. And in fact the cycles between mindless embracing and mindless judgement can easily be powered by and perpetuate the exact same internal thing. The opposite of the kind of embracing he's talking about isn't recoil and limits, isn't judgment and calling it weird and disgusting, it's awareness, integration, exploration, mindful self challenge, etc.
"It challenges the idea that sex is inherently different from other activities".... Well sex IS very much inherently different from MOST other activities.
@@themplanetz it is if you make it that way, it isn't if you don't. Just like, say, interracial relationships felt completely different to some generations - that feeling was real, but the existence of that feeling wasn't mandatory, it was creates by social norms
@NJ-wb1cz I mean that sex is unlike most other activities because the possible consequences of sex are very unique to it. Pregnancies, stds, sexual violence... Not many other activities can lead to such drastic life changes and occurrences.. Those things are objectively true regardless of the culture or generation you find yourself in.
@@themplanetz violence and diseases aren't specific to this activity, and pregnancies are only specific to some kinds of it.
If your criteria are really true, everyone should count say, massaging with your hands, feet, licking and sucking as a completely different type of activity. Do they?.. Do you?...
Looking at me, I see replicating some of my dynamics with my mother, brother and father in pornography in the past.
I dated one girl who shared with me her "love" for BDSM. I also learned about her upbringing a little, where she needed to serve as her grandmother surrogate mother, taking care of her throughout her childhood, being cheatead out of her own. And she was motherless for large part of it.
Great video as always, commenting to help spread it.
Frankly I think the “sex positivity” movement is mostly a reaction to the sex negativity you mention that is so pernicious in our culture. IMO, sex negativity is more toxic and harmful and the sex positivity stuff is at least an improvement
Genuinely...What is sex negativity? Where can I find it in our culture? I can't think of any examples
@@whatdoyoulivefor735you have to look at society as a collection of different cultures that have different ideas and interests. For example, not everyone in America is a Christian, yet Christianity and specifically evangelical Christianity has a major influence. Especially this true about sex, for example the idea that masturbation is bad.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 a few examples (from a U.S. perspective):
- The practice of masturbation still carries shame for a lot of women. Teen boys are viewed as horndogs and assumed to be accessing porn; teen girls are viewed as having romantic more so than sexual feelings, and if they do, it’s “improper” and “unladylike” to engage with those thoughts at their own hand.
- Sex before marriage, even with a long-term partner, is judged as sinful in many religious communities, which bleeds into larger society. Men and women in these communities will marry for life without knowing their own sexual likes/dislikes/boundaries, let alone if they’re sexually compatible together.
- Gay sex is viewed by many (again, drawn from religious attitudes) as unnatural or soulless.
- Nudity is broadly shamed in our society: films are rated for mature audiences purely for showing naked men or women, not even sex; nude beaches, saunas, etc. are not at all a thing here like in Europe where families and strangers casually go around nude. Here the naked body is seen as inherently sexual, and it therefore needs to be hidden.
- The term “body count” as a way people judge a new partner; how many people that person has slept with before. A double digit answer is invariably viewed as negative by most people, devoid of context or nuance.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 people being raised to believe their bodies are "dirty" and that sexual feelings, masturbation, etc. are something to be deeply embarrassed and ashamed about. If you weren't raised in this way then consider yourself lucky.
@@whatdoyoulivefor735 It's literally everywhere if you're talking about US. Don't you think it's strange that movies can contain countless gruesome murders and be deemed suitable for teens, but seeing some genitalia automatically makes them super restricted?...
Massive wars are shown to literal children, traumatizing them with fear is totally fine, but just having regular human body is deemed too shameful and inappropriate to be seen.
This makes too much sense. Like, it applies not just to me but literally every sex positive person I know.
love you daniel
Thank you for this critique. "Sex positivity" is a clear example of Orwellian language, where words mean the exact opposite of what they seem to mean. Anyone who has not read George Orwell's "1984" should take the time to do so now, so they can identify language misuse and attempts to distort reality, and not get sucked in.
Who do think is behind it?
I’ve never met a sex positive person who wasn’t mentally ill
how many people have you met who weren't mentally ill?
how would you know that? do you have everyone's medical records or smth?
@ Percentage of sex workers who arent mentaly ill. before and after
@ yes you need to come in soon
Excellent
Daniel makes a lot of assumptions here. Not everyone aroused by BDSM not everyone who creates pornography has a history of trauma. Also, many adults with histories of trauma prefer soft, “vanilla “ sex or are asexual. I’m not aware of any evidence of a clear causal relationship.
Maybe they are both sides of the same coin ?
He doesn't really assume it though, we're just assuming it as he discusses his opinion on the topic. It's not suppose to be a comprehensive treaty on trauma and sex.
Good one, Daniel. 👍
Anything can become damaging if someone engages with it in certain ways. We need to eat to survive, but the things you eat can harm you. Exercise is generally good for your health, but you can also injure yourself while doing it. Even sitting in bed, doing nothing that could be considered risky, will become a problem if done for too long. There's no reason that sex would be the exception. But most people try to treat it as an exception in one way or another, either by ignoring any potential risks or by treating it as this almost cursed thing: any abnormal expression of sexuality becomes, in people's minds, the symptom, cause, and perpetuation of some fundamental brokenness. There's no room for people to differ from the norm in a way that doesn't need to be "fixed".
I don't want to have sex, so I have no personal stake in convincing anyone that sex is inherently good. But even this would be considered a bad sign by a lot of the same people who like to police others' sexual behavior---maybe my hormones are out of whack, maybe I'm secretly terrified of sex because of trauma, or maybe I just hate humanity and not having sex is the way I express that. It's nonsense.
Hi Daniel. Thank you for your courage in sharing your views on this important topic. Have a nice day!
I'm into kinky stuff, but I completely reject the "kink community". It always looked like a bunch of traumatized people trying to work through their trauma but in a vain and shallow way.
To a certain degree I agree with you (people can consent but actually deep inside, they don't want to consent, it's just what they're used to so they end up doing something they actually don't want to do), but I also think sex positivity can help people reframe their traumas and/or their view of sex or sexuality. Because exploring your kinks in a safe, consensual environment where your boundaries actually are respected (unlike with traumas) can help you realize you have value and can help you gain a sense of self-efficacy (if you say no in a sexual setting and nothing bad happens, then you can say it in other parts of life as well).
@brittpower I think that if you reflect on your trauma and kinks (for example in therapy), your behaviour is less ruled by trauma responses or not at all. Also I disagree sex clubs are the safest place. 😅For me the safest place is a trusted, well-known partner.
@@anna.augustinova I think you understood my comment incorrectly, maybe due to me not being clear enough. Don't feel the wish to go into an online debate, so I deleted it. Kind regards
@@brittpower Okay, have a nice day. :)
@@anna.augustinova sex clubs and sex workers aren't safe a lot of the time. i had a friend assaulted in a sex club and i was assaulted by an escort. both the assailants were female too. you find a lot of broken people in those spaces and they don't respect sex or people.
@@JewTube001 Yeah, that is what I said. 😅 That they're not the safest.
these are the conclusions i have come to myself, having been a sex positive person before