Table News: Who needs Two Ears Anyway?

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  • Опубліковано 15 січ 2025

КОМЕНТАРІ • 325

  • @michaelanderson6394
    @michaelanderson6394 5 місяців тому +1306

    “Is stepping down one of the things that you can do?”
    Turns out that, yes, yes it is, California.

    • @notjustafangirl7313
      @notjustafangirl7313 5 місяців тому +165

      I love the fact that that was the last line, today of all days. It fits as a reference to the calls for him to drop out, but now that it's actually happened, we can take it as a joke about it actually happening.

    • @Mythis1
      @Mythis1 5 місяців тому +40

      Well, step down from running again at least. Still in the position for the rest of the term.

    • @Mr-tophats
      @Mr-tophats 5 місяців тому +16

      Best birthday gift ever

    • @Ben_Brainard
      @Ben_Brainard  5 місяців тому +542

      I should try to predict more things in these sketches

    • @gyrozeppeli4862
      @gyrozeppeli4862 5 місяців тому +95

      @@Ben_Brainard predict Harris winning I'm begging you lmao

  • @carlosrod100
    @carlosrod100 5 місяців тому +614

    "Do you know how cool absolute immunity is?"
    Yes, I just don't want my government officials having it.

    • @alricaneshama
      @alricaneshama 5 місяців тому +5

      Agreed.

    • @chrisnameless8325
      @chrisnameless8325 5 місяців тому +2

      The Supreme Court rule was not absolute immunity but limited.

    • @MamaMOB
      @MamaMOB 5 місяців тому

      And they don't. Why don't you actually go read what the Supreme Court actually said as opposed to just listening to CNN and MSNBC?

    • @atlanderwrites
      @atlanderwrites 5 місяців тому +10

      @@chrisnameless8325 Limited, yes, but the limits aren’t defined, and the examples they provided are distressingly broad.

    • @Thenarratorofsecrets
      @Thenarratorofsecrets 5 місяців тому +3


      Also things like does immunity extend to conversations about previous acts, while in the white house, speaking to cabinet members.
      People pretending this is a nothing burger ate just hoping their guy gets off Scott free

  • @Ussonan-Foderation2016
    @Ussonan-Foderation2016 5 місяців тому +414

    "I Vincent van Know a guy"💀💀💀💀

    • @mr.h1262
      @mr.h1262 5 місяців тому +3

      That was my favorite one 😂

    • @CortexNewsService
      @CortexNewsService 5 місяців тому +5

      Who knew Texas had it in him?

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 5 місяців тому +7

      @@CortexNewsService Usually, Texas' contributions are more "1 out of 5 stars".

  • @lawsonlebrun9375
    @lawsonlebrun9375 5 місяців тому +258

    “It’s not a war crime if it’s the first time” -some Canadian dude, probably

    • @tameniai
      @tameniai 5 місяців тому

      lol Fat Electrican.

    • @SugarandSarcasm
      @SugarandSarcasm 5 місяців тому +1

      👀👀

    • @samanthaturner7739
      @samanthaturner7739 5 місяців тому +9

      “Words, words, words, also some American dude, words”

    • @Ninjastahr
      @Ninjastahr 5 місяців тому +2

      An Iowan describing Canadians, definitely

    • @sakurakiyori
      @sakurakiyori 5 місяців тому +5

      They thought shotguns were inhumane, so we showed them what inhumane was.
      Also, you wanna use chemical weapons, you're gonna have to take your chances as they come.

  • @cholten99
    @cholten99 5 місяців тому +280

    "3/5s" had me laughing so loudly I probably disturbed the neighbours - and I'm not even American. The "Biden is still around" joke aged like milk though!

    • @hopelessromantic3786
      @hopelessromantic3786 5 місяців тому +12

      It aged perfectly.

    • @eldorados_lost_searcher
      @eldorados_lost_searcher 5 місяців тому +2

      I showed the video to someone and had to explain that one.

    • @CarbonatedCondensation
      @CarbonatedCondensation 5 місяців тому +1

      Yeah, the 3/5ths jokes always get me 😂

    • @jypsridic
      @jypsridic 5 місяців тому

      @@CarbonatedCondensation Just don't forget that the 3/5ths rule was a democrat policy.

    • @slitor
      @slitor 5 місяців тому +11

      @@jypsridic Wut? I mean I could go on about the differences of the parties 160 years ago but....the three-fifth-compromise (which should have been 0-5th) was amended into the constitution WAAAAAY before the democratic party even excisted. It was United States Policy until after it was reappealed post-civil war.

  • @radialdono1519
    @radialdono1519 5 місяців тому +45

    “That’s still around”
    “Biden or COVID”
    “Yes”
    I laughed way to much at that

  • @Bawookie97
    @Bawookie97 5 місяців тому +98

    “I think the best part of all of this is it happened right before Halloween”
    Sir it is *JULY*

    • @sharonsmith583
      @sharonsmith583 5 місяців тому +10

      Halloween merch already in the stores.

    • @aspynryde7305
      @aspynryde7305 5 місяців тому +12

      halloween starts in september or even august if you're brave enough

    • @Bawookie97
      @Bawookie97 5 місяців тому +1

      Both fair points - I concede 😉

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 5 місяців тому +2

      Ministry sez Every Day Is Halloween.
      Oomp bop bop bop oomp bop bop...

    • @TempestFNG
      @TempestFNG 5 місяців тому

      ​@@aspynryde7305Halloween starts in January if you love Halloween enough

  • @pleasantsasquatch9759
    @pleasantsasquatch9759 5 місяців тому +534

    As a Canadian, I appreciate the joke about our big red embarrassment

    • @klausjack8731
      @klausjack8731 5 місяців тому +4

      What was this referencing?

    • @amx-56france96
      @amx-56france96 5 місяців тому +7

      Was it about ... the checklist ?

    • @bainr6856
      @bainr6856 5 місяців тому +53

      ​@@klausjack8731when he was at private school in the 2000s, Trudeau attended the school's annual dinner in a costume complete with blackface. He also wore it (and an afro wig) during a talent show to perform "Day-O."

    • @klausjack8731
      @klausjack8731 5 місяців тому +10

      @@bainr6856 ahh, I knew about the blackface, but the joke did confuse me a bit, thanks for clearing up.

    • @jasperminer
      @jasperminer 5 місяців тому +12

      The Geneva checklist?

  • @SpiritOfGotham
    @SpiritOfGotham 5 місяців тому +236

    Dang, so much happened lately that you couldn't squeeze Crowdstrike in

    • @ashleyhutcheson8292
      @ashleyhutcheson8292 5 місяців тому +18

      Or the RNC convention, or Vance, or Harris

    • @icarusbinns3156
      @icarusbinns3156 5 місяців тому +10

      >>unintelligible screaming

    • @artchic528
      @artchic528 5 місяців тому +16

      The last time we squeezed a Crowdstrike update in it all went to hell. Let’s not try that again.

    • @koalactrl
      @koalactrl 5 місяців тому

      ​@@artchic528hahahaha

  • @Jarakin
    @Jarakin 5 місяців тому +111

    Oh sweetie… you’re definitely already on the lists.

  • @deverashb.4875
    @deverashb.4875 5 місяців тому +98

    Apparently, stepping down from the election is indeed one of the things he can do

  • @Daluna13
    @Daluna13 5 місяців тому +266

    Ben I feel sorry for you and B. Prince, the news is getting made faster then you can write it

    • @fallenhades3891
      @fallenhades3891 5 місяців тому +7

      That's an understatement, I mean Cheatel was subpoenaed today, and in the process was told to resign and go back to guarding Doritos (meant to be cheetohs)

    • @Rutabega_NG
      @Rutabega_NG 5 місяців тому +16

      Seriously! I don't know how they can keep up.
      I've learned more about what's going on in my world from those two than the news.

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 5 місяців тому +8

      Yesterday I swore I saw Beau of the Fifth Column sigh in exasperation.

    • @TrueJamo
      @TrueJamo 5 місяців тому +1

      Than*

    • @koalactrl
      @koalactrl 5 місяців тому

      Dude! The Power Trio of funny reporting of the news!
      B. Mo Prince,
      Habitual LineCrosser (aka HLC)
      And
      Ben Brainard
      I ❤ you 3's ability to tell the news in a fun way, even if it is sometimes slow to get out (ahem, filming and editing).

  • @lynne7460
    @lynne7460 5 місяців тому +39

    And we ALREADY need a new episode,,, Ben couldn’t even finish filming this😢

  • @zUJ7EjVD
    @zUJ7EjVD 5 місяців тому +129

    A man who doesn't listen doesn't need one ear, let alone two.

  • @spacecadet397
    @spacecadet397 5 місяців тому +80

    "We love you Ben!" We all shout in unison

  • @flockofone9214
    @flockofone9214 5 місяців тому +27

    “That’s still around? Biden or Covid?” 😂Laughed out loud.

  • @streetlamploser
    @streetlamploser 5 місяців тому +9

    Dyskorde:
    Can we all take a second to acknowledge how pretty Ben's hair is? Especially on Gov. It's stunning.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 5 місяців тому +3

      Several seconds.
      Thirds,even.

  • @RRW359
    @RRW359 5 місяців тому +15

    You know how bad things are when the court rules that literally existing can be a crime but the next ruling was so much worse it made everyone forget about that.

    • @jypsridic
      @jypsridic 5 місяців тому

      you not liking it doesn't make them bad rulings.

    • @RRW359
      @RRW359 5 місяців тому +7

      @@jypsridic Same in reverse. Having to stay at your job because you will get evicted then arrested sounds a lot like indentured servitude, and not being able to buy a gun because you will get evicted then arrested sounds a lot like Americans only have a right to them when we own property. Both sides should be angry about this.

    • @sariarosegold
      @sariarosegold 5 місяців тому

      ok i missed this one, what are we talking about here

    • @RRW359
      @RRW359 5 місяців тому +1

      @@sariarosegold Juristictions can make it illegal to be homeless.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 5 місяців тому

      ​@@RRW359 I'm clueless about the eviction for gun ownership angle.

  • @nonamegiven202
    @nonamegiven202 5 місяців тому +41

    last joke ages so well so quick.

  • @fancypants9914
    @fancypants9914 5 місяців тому +8

    Here's a fun fact to play with Texas: I don't know when it will open, but the world's largest Bucc-ees is being built in Ocala, Florida

  • @Gooberpotomous
    @Gooberpotomous 5 місяців тому +13

    Considering how much has been happening, I'm surprised you got so much in this episode!

  • @curiousKuro16
    @curiousKuro16 5 місяців тому +16

    Love it when Gov proves he too has some chaos in him

  • @Callordin
    @Callordin 5 місяців тому +5

    I am impressed with Ben's ability to act out all these jokes without crying hysterically.

  • @tincat2347
    @tincat2347 5 місяців тому +2

    0:37 ‘I Vincent van know a guy’ is by far, *by far*, the hardest I’ve laughed at any joke

  • @soffren
    @soffren 5 місяців тому +29

    This episode will be WILD we already know

  • @JackPinesBlacksmithing
    @JackPinesBlacksmithing 5 місяців тому +2

    I love your use of a bathrobe for judge robes! 🤣😂🤣

  • @gnaskar
    @gnaskar 5 місяців тому +70

    The removal of the Chevon Doctrine means that every interpretation of a law needs to be decided in court or by congress writing less vague laws. It was done at the behest of "industry lobbyists" who basically wanted to be able to sue their way out of environmental regulation. In the short term, this will work.
    In the long run, the EPA will throw the ball back to congress to write explicit laws, which means every politician in the pockets of such industries will have to stain their voting records with juicy details that make it really easy to make attack ads against them, and the Republican party will wish they didn't make their pet judges overturn the doctrine. This is going to cost them seats until they either find a new sugar daddy or restore the doctrine so they can go back to being vague and then selectively enforcing the laws.

    • @MonkeyJedi99
      @MonkeyJedi99 5 місяців тому

      Because who wants to have a group of experts make a decision when we can have bought-and-paid-for politicians, clueless old judges, and partisan lawyers decide how clean our air and water get to be, how safe our food might be, what toxins can be allowed in your child's toys and clothing, how flammable a new school building is...

    • @llmkursk8254
      @llmkursk8254 5 місяців тому +6

      So, in the long term, this is still good. Sort of.

    • @ASR_0610
      @ASR_0610 5 місяців тому +8

      It also weakens the ATF authority to enforce rule as laws.

    • @Beanzoboy
      @Beanzoboy 5 місяців тому

      Oh, yes, because it's always a benefit to have the people without knowledge of a subject make all the rules regarding said subject. We're aware that this was a way to give corporations the ability to cut costs by ignoring health and safety regulations. It's still going to be a problem when the people that don't know the WHAT and the WHY are deciding the HOW, especially when it means HUNDREDS of more decisions, and they're not even at work for half the damn year as it is. This is why teachers always let kids decide how they're going to learn in school.

    • @zyeborm
      @zyeborm 5 місяців тому

      You presume that the people that vote for them care about anything other than their football team winning. They will see their rivers die and say "take that libs"

  • @iSmartMan1
    @iSmartMan1 5 місяців тому +8

    I was kinda hoping you would get Dan Povenmire to reprise his role as Supreme Court

  • @paratrooperchad
    @paratrooperchad 5 місяців тому +13

    UCMJ only applies to prior service if you are retired lol.

    • @Ben_Brainard
      @Ben_Brainard  5 місяців тому +19

      Thank GOD I didn’t do 20

  • @TheSuzberry
    @TheSuzberry 5 місяців тому +19

    Quiet part meant to be private.

  • @artchic528
    @artchic528 5 місяців тому +2

    Glad to see you still putting out The Table videos. It’s the only way I get my news.

  • @TravisDey97
    @TravisDey97 5 місяців тому +3

    I just gotta say the Supreme Court looks like disheveled John Wick, and honestly that makes sense

  • @darklordofsword
    @darklordofsword 5 місяців тому +30

    I agree with all of this EXCEPT the "right before halloween" part.
    Its GOD DAMN JULY!

    • @fairycat23
      @fairycat23 5 місяців тому +14

      Enough time for Spirit Halloween to make an "attempted assassination survivor" costume, then!

    • @ashleyhutcheson8292
      @ashleyhutcheson8292 5 місяців тому +3

      Feels like this month has been a year

    • @susane5480
      @susane5480 5 місяців тому

      Saw a Santa at one of the gas stations the other day for a Christmas in July sale.

    • @sharonsmith583
      @sharonsmith583 5 місяців тому +1

      Halloween merch already in the stores.

    • @icepyrox
      @icepyrox 5 місяців тому +3

      Yeah but stores already have Halloween decorations out around here except the ones still finishing off back to school sales...

  • @serialchillereddy
    @serialchillereddy 5 місяців тому +2

    Don't worry, your off our list as long as you keep doing Table News!!

  • @Pedantic2025
    @Pedantic2025 5 місяців тому +4

    I take it there’s nothing in the ucmj about making jokes about the assassination lol 😂

  • @medic-gg7jo
    @medic-gg7jo 5 місяців тому +1

    I was having a bad day today. Then your vid came up on my notifications. Thanks for making me smile Ben!

  • @_nbsp
    @_nbsp 5 місяців тому +2

    Didn't know Ben served in the army, hats off to you.

  • @KeithCooper-Albuquerque
    @KeithCooper-Albuquerque 5 місяців тому +2

    Ben, you are a genius!

  • @SarcasticasKel
    @SarcasticasKel 5 місяців тому +5

    Sticker Mule the one business who screwed itself with one cringy email😂 There’s another sticker company I saw giving a free mule sticker with purchase which is a pretty brilliant marketing move.

  • @DawnBurn
    @DawnBurn 5 місяців тому +6

    The hella reference for the Californians.

  • @skylargreene279
    @skylargreene279 5 місяців тому +2

    schoolhouse rock for gen z and gen a honestly

  • @JABRIEL251
    @JABRIEL251 5 місяців тому +1

    As a Prior Service Member who has made several jokes about Trump getting a cut in his ear, nothing has happened to me so far.

  • @TheMoonbeats
    @TheMoonbeats 5 місяців тому +5

    that last joke was writtewn last week, clearly.

  • @justmutantjed
    @justmutantjed 5 місяців тому +1

    I've never heard of getting one's ears lowered being so newsworthy before.

  • @Gdisele
    @Gdisele 5 місяців тому +1

    Didn't even touch the now legal bribery.

  • @old_grey_cat
    @old_grey_cat 5 місяців тому

    So entertained me at 0.75 speed (I'm a bit slow with state accent and letter acronym recognition) that it finished just as I realised that I forgot to press "like" - you got an extra view at full spped so I could like and comment.
    Thanks to Tech and Cultural Imperialism for letting me have some smiles and practise learning.

  • @andromedaloveless1120
    @andromedaloveless1120 5 місяців тому

    I have been waiting for this to come out since the assassination attempt.

  • @thomaswilloughby2951
    @thomaswilloughby2951 5 місяців тому +1

    I'm still waiting for the day that California takes off the cap and Orange County comes out, like a Wario version of Texas and Austin.

  • @tavernburner3066
    @tavernburner3066 5 місяців тому

    The problem is that it gave departments who are deemed "experts" like for example the ATF the de facto ability to change laws to mean whatever they want without any sort of check or balance.

  • @dedifiedjelly
    @dedifiedjelly 5 місяців тому +15

    trump in his ear infection arc

  • @petecoogan
    @petecoogan 5 місяців тому

    Glad you're back

  • @stvp68
    @stvp68 5 місяців тому

    Hair is getting fabulous!!

  • @gamepopper101
    @gamepopper101 5 місяців тому +2

    You brought up Sticker Mule! XD

  • @edl5731
    @edl5731 5 місяців тому +1

    UCMJ doesn't apply to former military unless they are retirees collecting a pension. So you are safe.

  • @SimpleGunner
    @SimpleGunner 5 місяців тому +2

    that starting bit was on point. i cant wait for you to get the crowdstrike shit show in next go around.

  • @MegaGandalf12
    @MegaGandalf12 5 місяців тому +1

    It's back! Finally!

  • @David-Daithi
    @David-Daithi 5 місяців тому

    Weeeeee. Here we go. Thanks for the video!!

  • @4olufade
    @4olufade 5 місяців тому

    "I have worse news for you anyway" 😂😂😂

  • @calamaribowl8683
    @calamaribowl8683 5 місяців тому +1

    Oh God this week was a nightmare

  • @carlyar5281
    @carlyar5281 5 місяців тому

    As a Canadian I ❤ the reference!

  • @ApocryphalDude
    @ApocryphalDude 5 місяців тому +3

    3/5ths jokes TY

  • @JoAnnaQuincey
    @JoAnnaQuincey 5 місяців тому +1

    Meanwhile , I'm likely on 37 different lists from googling what the difference between c4 and semtex was😂😂😂

    • @AtholAnderson
      @AtholAnderson 5 місяців тому +1

      AH the serious putty

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 5 місяців тому

      It could happen to any Leverage fan.

  • @DeaconTaylor
    @DeaconTaylor 5 місяців тому

    i love how i always forget that this isnt a group of people talking to each other.

  • @xxbongobazookaxx7170
    @xxbongobazookaxx7170 5 місяців тому

    I get the feeling that last line was written before it even happened lol

  • @Linwhiteheart
    @Linwhiteheart 5 місяців тому +2

    "Is stepping down something you can do?" Yes. "is Biden still around?" Not really.

  • @killblade6
    @killblade6 5 місяців тому

    I was waiting for this!

  • @Some_Random_Frenchie
    @Some_Random_Frenchie 5 місяців тому +2

    The is Biden still around joke, on point for how he dropped out of the race.

  • @jacobyspurnger8488
    @jacobyspurnger8488 5 місяців тому +1

    Getting rid of chevron deference takes the protections and agency away from the environmental protection agency.

    • @Roberta-q1q
      @Roberta-q1q 5 місяців тому

      I hate that! You'd think rich a - holes have no posterity!

  • @nightthemight2985
    @nightthemight2985 5 місяців тому +1

    Its Back!

  • @Hellion912
    @Hellion912 5 місяців тому +1

    Dan Povenmire was unavailable?

  • @strickersniper7909
    @strickersniper7909 5 місяців тому

    So politicians are immune from criminal prosecution and the Supreme Court can do what the hell it wants

  • @oldtop4682
    @oldtop4682 5 місяців тому +1

    Geneva Suggestions.....

  • @Heavenlyhounds96
    @Heavenlyhounds96 5 місяців тому +1

    Not sure how you feel about it, but I do like the longer hair on ya, Ben. Some of the states actually look better (and arguably more fitting), like Louis.
    Not to mention it gives the Supreme Court a Big Lebowski vibe coupled with the outfit.

  • @Bluesonofman
    @Bluesonofman 5 місяців тому

    The system was never meant to have checks and balances.

  • @reinretter9655
    @reinretter9655 5 місяців тому

    Just speeding up for the watering of the Tree of Liberty

  • @OhioanVlogsOfficial
    @OhioanVlogsOfficial 5 місяців тому +23

    Trump really became 50 cent 💀

  • @MoogieTheCow
    @MoogieTheCow 5 місяців тому

    Been waiting for this one

  • @gamingnerdgirlz
    @gamingnerdgirlz 5 місяців тому +2

    Biden not running for reelection and Harris is the new nomination. Ready for more videos ❤

  • @tompom9579
    @tompom9579 5 місяців тому

    Love the hat wall❤

  • @Bro0kylen3011
    @Bro0kylen3011 5 місяців тому

    This has to be on Netflix!

  • @carlsteffens
    @carlsteffens 5 місяців тому +3

    Chevron deference violated an already written rule, that if a law is too vague, when it goes to court it must be interpreted in the way that is most favorable to the defendant

  • @devonfury
    @devonfury 5 місяців тому

    that hair is looking good!

  • @angryferb1079
    @angryferb1079 5 місяців тому +2

    I'd love more Kansas, Ben!

    • @Meshuga.GeGeedah
      @Meshuga.GeGeedah 5 місяців тому +1

      Same! The fact the state just struck down 2 anti-abortion laws and reaffirmed its a right to abortion state - from the same state that argued in courts that evolution didn't exist not that long ago politically - we can't make up our mind how red/blue we are... :D

  • @strawberrysayori-222
    @strawberrysayori-222 5 місяців тому +4

    so sad this is already outdated, its been said before but ill say it again, i dont like living through historical events

  • @kylen7351
    @kylen7351 5 місяців тому

    Jesus. Canada got New York, cali, and Texas to argee with no argument about moving on

  • @maskedmallard537
    @maskedmallard537 5 місяців тому

    I'm a bit disappointed you didn't get Dan to be All of the Judges again. Other then that, top notch as usual. 😁

  • @michelleberrio9320
    @michelleberrio9320 5 місяців тому

    I am so scared and excited for this

  • @DeathnoteBB
    @DeathnoteBB 5 місяців тому

    0:19 Ohh that’s why this wasn’t out until now. That legalese can be confusing

  • @drtaverner
    @drtaverner 5 місяців тому

    Yeah, we just might do something they'd have to make a rule about. 😂🇨🇦

  • @DystopianOverture
    @DystopianOverture 14 днів тому

    Supreme Court getting bored is dangerous

  • @freewave04
    @freewave04 5 місяців тому

    Hair is looking luscious

  • @GremlinFish
    @GremlinFish 5 місяців тому

    You didn’t know that it was Chevrolet. Me and my family just called them Chevys.

  • @Evelyn_Endar
    @Evelyn_Endar 5 місяців тому

    “I forgot it was Trump and not Justin Trudeau.” MAN I FORGOT ABOUT THAT LMAO

  • @celestwarrior
    @celestwarrior 5 місяців тому

    Chevron Defference is why we have toilets that can't flush a turd down.

  • @Smith559
    @Smith559 5 місяців тому +2

    God this was good

  • @lb34mwr
    @lb34mwr 5 місяців тому

    Wow you walked the line and did not cross it. The add after video killed it.

  • @ghomerhust
    @ghomerhust 5 місяців тому +1

    the comment i WANT to post will get me banned or on a few lists or both. but, i liked the video =) i especially liked the court justice "robe" is actually just a bathrobe. nice touch. cuz that's about how professional that group of [redacted redacted redacted's] is

  • @TheKkf1015
    @TheKkf1015 5 місяців тому

    if it makes you feel better, there's been plenty of current and former service members that have joked about it lol

  • @billibarone7763
    @billibarone7763 5 місяців тому

    "Skidmore butts?"

  • @BasicDrumming
    @BasicDrumming 5 місяців тому

    Great video.