Like you explain the 3 d's are not something I am aware of but, like you, I feel this urge to back away and fill that void I've felt for many years. I've started a garden this year so I'll be doing the gardening after he comes home. For months now I've been sitting outside and watching my chickens run around looking for bugs, that's been entertaining and it fills that void. Both these things are warm weather ideas so that's not going to get me through winter ugh! Still looking for a way to volunteer in something I enjoy, haven't found that thing yet.
In the early years we spend a fair bit of our energy trying to get into their world, their lives, to get to know them and having them get to know us. It's a normal typical relationship endeavour. After some years we realise we spending a lot of time and energy on that/them and realise it's time to start looking after our own interests and mental health. I'm glad you're finding some nice things to do that bring you joy, though, finding something through winter is more tricky. I've started volunteering at a local charity. Gets me off my bum and out of the house, and with any luck, out of my mental funk.
@My NT ND Marriage mental funk, that's a great way of explaining it. Accepting is the hardest part. I go through this mental acknowledgment of what the situation is and accept it until something comes along and I yearn for that connection. Have you noticed that if you back away too much, they become super interested? Start suggesting things you like to do? It's like they see something is different, and they are trying to bring it back to their world again. I'm such a sucker 😂 I don't think it's intentional I think they are just trying to figure out what's going on. Do they love us, or is it just that they don't want to do their own laundry, dishes etc?
@@MonaSimply I can't speak to the intentions of others, however, in my case, when I backed off I think it lessened the stress and pressure my husband was under. I think he was being distant and angry because I was too much (had too many needs), and there were many expectations placed on him (work, children, friendships etc.) and he felt overwhelmed. When I backed away that pressure was gone and he could now reach out to me at his leisure. That's what it feels like to me.
@My NT ND Marriage I can see that happening as well. I've learned over the years that when he uses that tone of voice I back down or make things worse by trying to get a straight answer from him. The other day I said something and his reply didn't warrant the way he said it. The only reason I've been attentive to this is because my therapist has asked me to make a mental note as to how these arguments get started. I was blown away. I said something nicely, no anger, just a question. His reply was curt and his words were separated as if he wanted me to know this conversation was irritating him as he was playing his video game. I immediately noticed I wasn't the agitator, his flippant answer would have ordinarily put me in the defense position. Instead I said in a comical way, that reply sounded like a tongue lashing when I was asking nicely. I think that caught him off guard as he didn't expect me to point it out. The time previous to this one was very similar, he couldn't be bothered answering my innocent question.
@@MonaSimply I like how you handled that. Using a bit of humour to question his agitation. I started doing something similar, looking out for what triggered an argument. Often he would give a snappy response, I attacked that response and it was on! I learned to step back, pause and count to 10 (or 100), I would even close my eyes and he would see I was trying not to get angry over his response, which in turn had him realise his response was argumentative.
Like you explain the 3 d's are not something I am aware of but, like you, I feel this urge to back away and fill that void I've felt for many years.
I've started a garden this year so I'll be doing the gardening after he comes home.
For months now I've been sitting outside and watching my chickens run around looking for bugs, that's been entertaining and it fills that void.
Both these things are warm weather ideas so that's not going to get me through winter ugh!
Still looking for a way to volunteer in something I enjoy, haven't found that thing yet.
In the early years we spend a fair bit of our energy trying to get into their world, their lives, to get to know them and having them get to know us. It's a normal typical relationship endeavour. After some years we realise we spending a lot of time and energy on that/them and realise it's time to start looking after our own interests and mental health. I'm glad you're finding some nice things to do that bring you joy, though, finding something through winter is more tricky. I've started volunteering at a local charity. Gets me off my bum and out of the house, and with any luck, out of my mental funk.
@My NT ND Marriage mental funk, that's a great way of explaining it. Accepting is the hardest part. I go through this mental acknowledgment of what the situation is and accept it until something comes along and I yearn for that connection.
Have you noticed that if you back away too much, they become super interested? Start suggesting things you like to do? It's like they see something is different, and they are trying to bring it back to their world again. I'm such a sucker 😂 I don't think it's intentional I think they are just trying to figure out what's going on.
Do they love us, or is it just that they don't want to do their own laundry, dishes etc?
@@MonaSimply I can't speak to the intentions of others, however, in my case, when I backed off I think it lessened the stress and pressure my husband was under. I think he was being distant and angry because I was too much (had too many needs), and there were many expectations placed on him (work, children, friendships etc.) and he felt overwhelmed. When I backed away that pressure was gone and he could now reach out to me at his leisure. That's what it feels like to me.
@My NT ND Marriage I can see that happening as well. I've learned over the years that when he uses that tone of voice I back down or make things worse by trying to get a straight answer from him. The other day I said something and his reply didn't warrant the way he said it. The only reason I've been attentive to this is because my therapist has asked me to make a mental note as to how these arguments get started. I was blown away. I said something nicely, no anger, just a question. His reply was curt and his words were separated as if he wanted me to know this conversation was irritating him as he was playing his video game. I immediately noticed I wasn't the agitator, his flippant answer would have ordinarily put me in the defense position. Instead I said in a comical way, that reply sounded like a tongue lashing when I was asking nicely. I think that caught him off guard as he didn't expect me to point it out. The time previous to this one was very similar, he couldn't be bothered answering my innocent question.
@@MonaSimply I like how you handled that. Using a bit of humour to question his agitation. I started doing something similar, looking out for what triggered an argument. Often he would give a snappy response, I attacked that response and it was on! I learned to step back, pause and count to 10 (or 100), I would even close my eyes and he would see I was trying not to get angry over his response, which in turn had him realise his response was argumentative.