How to Actually HELP SOMEONE With CPTSD
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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You can’t force a person with CPTSD to change: You can’t make them heal. You can’t make them learn about the adult effects of abuse and neglect in childhood, and you can’t even make them admit there’s a problem. But there are things you can do that genuinely help a loved one accomplish all these things themselves.
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Ugh, needed this. My sister and I both came from the same abusive household. She finally got out and I've been strongly encouraging therapy or resources because they changed my life. But I need this reminder that I can't save anyone, and it's her journey. It's so hard though!
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Totally. I am in a similar situation and I used to try to convince my sisters to seek therapy but they are convinced I am "the villan" 😞 I hope one day they get help and see the truth
When you love someone, it's hard to stand by and say nothing. I speak loudest when I'm the best authentic example I can be.
Yes your words makes much understanding. First step is get off the opioid addiction. Doctors that gave her this drug have messed up her life and do not know what they have done. Now she is taking it from her mom and needs help bad. You give me peace of mind but with no contact and a letter good bye. It is all in Gods hands. I pray that God takes care of her. With no contact I have no idea what I am suppose to do. Narsacistic people in her family and an Aunt that has a Jezebell spirit so much is going against this person. But I am made out to be the bad person. What is one suppose to do but pray. To God and ask him. To bless us and heal us.
@@moonbabyhealing those are narcissists...
My husband took me to counseling and helped me research - he also discovered some bugs in his childhood as well - I'm hoping working together will make us better parents.
This comment was 7 months ago, how are you and your husband getting on? I hope things are going well for you and your family.
@@Rollwithit699 Have you tried EMDR?
It's hard to explain cptsd to someone who hasn't been through it themselves.
It was so hard to understand it myself. It's fighting your own instincts sometimes.
@@potatosurfing6779 Some say that people who suffer from cptsd, have ptsd much worse, than those with standard ptsd.
@@potatosurfing6779 all trauma is valid. I know I can't imagine the trauma of veterans, probably in the same way they might not understand mine.
@@danielc5205 Absolutely it's worse. But it's not a competition, lol. It's all bad and what I am able to handle isn't what others may or may not be able to handle. It irritates me when one moderate event is equalled to the P. O. W. type of abuse My kids and I endured.
@@gabe_68 exactly, mad respect to our Veterans!!
i’ve recently gotten a proper diagnosis that seems to fit me, and that was cptsd. a lot of people had thought it was depression, anxiety, bipolar etc. but this has made me understand a lot about myself and how i act and how to become more aware, these videos have helped me come to terms with my mental illness instead of denying it. thank you.
I'm glad you're here. And if CPTSD is what you have, that doesn't make you mentally ill! It's more like an injury.
i always felt and knew i was off kilter, different, weird, ect ect. like my whole life and im almost 60. but it wasnt until this lady informed me and gift wrapped all the lose ends into a reason for the way i am. this makes sense to me, like the light bulb went off and i see it real clear. good and even better journey to you.
I feel you. Being misdiagnosed for decades, and having every other Dr or therapist disagreeing with previous diagnosis, can be SO FRUSTRATING and extremely determental , as does Dr. s who get an attitude when you try to explain you have tried various meds and not only has nothing helped, benzos made it FAR worse as did many SSRI's , or lithium doing nothing because you aren't BIPOLAR Keep keeping on.. Or you will spend your whole life living I the past , with your guilt and regrets.
You can’t heal them but if you can’t just get them out of your life, we can learn discernment and effectiveness towards keeping our own goals and needs met. I believe we can learn skills to deal with people who are unhealed including learning how to be strategic, learning what leverage you have and applying it, and building your support system so you don’t get isolated or pulled into their drama circle.
Emotional flashback is spot on. The trigger is a comment, but it connects to a network of childhood experiences and feelings around those experiences. It’s actually amazing how much one can remember (unintentionally) in a split second. So I react to those experiences, not necessarily the comment.
My brother is still living with my parents which used to heavily abuse us when we were children. They're still very verbally abusive, which is why I don't visit them that much.
I just wish I could help him and make him move out, but he's stuck in some sort of stockholm and I can't make him see this.
It feels like shit, but all I can do is watch and hope he'll realize his situation without me pushing him.
I sometimes drop subtle hints, but he picks them up really quickly and changes the subject.
It would be amazing if you could do a vid with "How to ADHD" ... I think many of the struggles us with ADHD have can cause CPTSD and her channel can expose you to soooo many people that need your help!!! Please reach out to her !!
Thanks -- I hadn't seen her work before. Cool! I'll look into it!
I was thinking the exact same thing.
100% agree!!
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!! Thank you for this comment 🙏 ♡ 😓
According to Dr. Gabor Maté, almost all physical and mental problems are caused by childhood trauma.
Loving my grown foster daughter (FD) with CPTSD through her persistent cycles of self-sabotage is teaching me patience and for better or for worse, it is toughening me up. I always try to push my hurt for her aside and simply offer my shoulder and hold my tongue unless and until her decisions affect her kids. FD is divorced from her covert narc abusive husband now but she is so attracted to narc men thanks to her abusive FOO, that she is retraumatized over and over again in her patterns, and that creates problems for her, and thus, the children. I know what they are experiencing because my own mercurial mother had really intense BPD/HPD and it created chaos for me. It is so hard to respond gently to FD’s crappy decision-consequences-collapse cycles when she’s causing the kids to be emotionally mindf*cked and lose their sense of security because I can relate so strongly to their experiences. And hers, too. I know she endured hell and that’s what led to this situation, but she just refuses to change her patterns. It’s so painful to love her and hold space for her through this.
4:43 1. Be safe
6:11 2. Be encouraging
8:44 3. Be aware
11:13 4. When they are in a CPTSD state, be gentle
12:00 5. If you want to help them recover, recover yourself
6. And don't brag to them about how recovered you are.
7. Find a form of meditation that works for you (science proves it helps rerouting nervous system connections)
Your videos and depth of understanding are so incredibly helpful. I am grateful for the road maps you give to others to handle very complex issues... it’s like someone holding your hand as you navigate through seemly impossible and overwhelming experiences and feelings... that’s what you do in these videos. I suffer from so many of the symptoms of C-PTSD and to hear you speak with such care, compassion and understanding, helps me tremendously. Thank you thank you!
Thanks so much for these kind words. I'm glad you're here.
I’m in a very precarious situation as the mom of a grown daughter with CPST. I find these tips very helpful but I need to turn it around a bit to see myself in the mom-child relationship. I’m stepping back, waiting and letting her decide if she wants my insight. I live also with the guilt of not knowing what she endured even though I thought that i was totally involved and protecting and loving her. I have tremendous guilt and she has tremendous shame.
Thank You so much for this video! It is very helpful. I truly hope and pray that people that need to hear and understand this will see it.
I object the first part. Not everyone with C-PTSD objects there's a problem with them. I did. And that's the moment from which i started changing drastically to normal ❤️😊
I can have what I call tramma dreams. I had one the other night. My dreams are very vivid and I have most of my senses like hearing. These dreams cause a lot of anxiety. My mind will run at about a hundred miles and hour. If I remember my dream then I can process what's going on. If I can't remember the dream then I can't deal with it. I can have a dream about fighting with people I can wake up feeling guilty and it was only a dream. My triggers causes me to behave the way I did when I was a child. My behavior was to freeze and withdrawal. Panic also can be present. Gaining my voice is the key to my healing.
Yeah, sounds like emotional flashbacks?
I never dream about the actual events, I dream about human experimentation and other evils... That's how I feel about the things I've seen in people
you are the BEST. sigh...its so nice to hear what I have been feeling for years.. decades. THANK YOU.
You are so welcome! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I understand this and agree. It's really sad though as my wife definitely has CPTSD, in fact it would be remarkable given her childhood if she didn't. However, she is 64 and still completely in denial that she needs help. She'd much rather criticize me or my son. I have been supportive and loving for over 45 years, and so your words help me realize that I have not at least hurt the situation. I find that advice on narcists seems to direct me to do the opposite strategies. It's very challenging to try to understand what's going on when the two strategies seem so different and yet the symptoms are so similar. My fear however is that she'll never discover her authentic self and will just go through life until her dying day being an obsessive doer.
Thank you for the insight! Could you maybe make a video about the links between cPTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder?
@@danceswithcoyotes8273 BPD and CPTSD are NOT the same thing. You can have both disorders together and often they're confused with each other but they're two different disorders. There are videos on youtube that describe the differences of BPD and CPTSD. They're very similar but definitely not the same.
@@danceswithcoyotes8273 Honey, they are not the same disorder. People can have CPTSD as well as Borderline because they are not the same disorder. The stem feelings are different. Borderline had the root of fear of abandonment and not wanting to get hurt so great lengths are taken to prevent being left, meanwhile CPTSD has avoidance with relationships and would rather isolate themselves altogether. You’re very ignorant and uneducated surrounding these two disorders if you think they are the exact same. Although they are indeed similar and overlap in many areas, they distinctly are two seperate disorders recognised by professionals hence why professionals will diagnose a client with both if they have both
@@danceswithcoyotes8273 Cptsd is a more spesific form of Ptsd. Nothing to do with Bpd. So they are not the same.
@@abbyastella6768where did the poster say they're the same? Only asked if there's a link between them.
@@endriandri7914 implying that there’s a link to them like they go hand in hand (which they do not) is the problem
Wow. I feel so seen & I will be sharing this with all of my loved ones. 👏🏻😭💕
Mental shocks can be felt early in life. Even in infancy. The damage is traumatic & can cause life long stress. Here’s a poem with an implied cure. Poem's title is “The New One’s Center Had Moved.”
The new one’s center had moved.
The infant’s place of anchor had gone.
Neither the boy nor young man knew.
Their lives were marked as well.
All lost to empty time of living,
Where wisdom & books have no meaning.
They each looked to the man to be.
“Grow up,” The man yelled. “Look out for yourself.”
They all wanted a way back,
Back to the place of beginning.
They asked a fix from him.
“Between the rising & setting sun,”
He exclaimed, “Go to the beginning there.
Breath out the flames which burn your heart.
There your body & voice of being can be found.
A life of quiet, joy & peace.”
Hurry -
The old man is coming!
I want to add to this that sometimes, especially if someone is actively seeking help, we see people go through that pain and frustration you’re describing in the beginning part. It does not feel good, you don’t want to bring it up since you don’t want to remind them of that, but I’ll probably remember it forever, just like everything else, and it’ll get worse and worse and worse with time since this is the most lonely you can possibly be for such a long time as we’ve somehow survived. Sorry if I’m being confusing, the head is a bit confusing at the moment, crowded 🤨 I mean at least most of us are now ready to do pretty much everything, even go against all the psychiatrists that said take meds and just don’t think about it and do scary things like watch videos like this 👀 since even after recovering from liver failure it made it necessary to say no to eight cups of pills every day and more be careful forever 😔
Thank you for shining your light. This video is very helpful!!!
Thank You Anna! This the very Best I’ve heard by the Crappy Childhood Fairy or anyone about this condition, of which I share some symptoms. I am definitely in love with a Beautiful Woman with CPTSD.
I see lots of comments that people who have cptsd come to this video hoping their partners would see it or wish they’re partners could have heard what she said so that they’d understand... I’m here as the partner to someone who has cptsd. We are going on year two of our marriage, and I’m realizing that I truly don’t know what to do to help him, if anyone has advice for me that they wish they’re partners could have done, I’d appreciate that ❤️ I just want to help him and be a better partner
Thanks for sharing with us, best thing your partner can do is work on what he needs to in order to heal, as in real action steps, because you cannot fix the situation you didn't create (AnAlnon saying) HOWEVER it is wonderful that he has a supportive & encouraging partner.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Rae_Rae here's the video I made for partners: ua-cam.com/video/050kuj4Aiho/v-deo.html
As the partner in my marriage with CPTSD, I would have loved if my husband pointed out my behaviors and been firm with boundaries from the beginning, because I didn’t know anything about boundaries due to the permissive/neglectful parenting style, and sexual abuse from my older brother.
So, for me, I wanted my husband to not try to fix things for me (or to not make me feel as if I had a third eye and just listen to me). Just be there and support your spouse right where they are, but do not tolerate anything that makes you feel unsafe. Chances are, he will terribly regret anything said or done that hurts you and will want to shut down or run away so as to not hurt someone he loves (depending on personality, of course).
Real struggle is when 2 people who love each other are both struggling with cptsd....especially when one sees it and the other won't see theirs. Triggers are like a tennis match...
Diane Clayton i was in a long term relationship with someone with severe compound complex PTSD. it incited empathy in me towards him (AKA smothering) and projections from himself onto me. i think they are both closely related.
In a disregulated state, it doesn’t take a critical statement to set them off. “What did you jut say!!! Fine? just Fine? this dress is fantastic! what the hell is the matter with you!”
:)
I soooooo love, this
I'm ready for this healing, for me,my heart...yay
:)
Thank you, Anna!!
Thank you, my friend!
This is so spot on and so important. Thank you.
Got the email saw the button "watch video" ...click!
Nice!
defense, mechanism
sigh...soooooo me
wow, this is very helpful
hugs
Hugs :)
But we also need help getting to those goals so leaving me completely alone is not helpful. I've already been isolated I don't want that
What if your the one with it and want to change and tires of all pressure people put on you!
A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still
Wish I had links or direction to have links to data. I am seeing a certified doctor (psychiatrist,) and she claims they dont use the term or there "is no such thing" when I used the term "complex ptsd". It worries me and I am considering changing doctors s she only wants to hang on to a new bi-polar diagnosis all the while ignoring 3 other doctor's diagnosis and I know in my heart from listening to others and my childhood was full of abuse from a dominant mother who was hyper controlling. ~~~Do you have any links so I can bring them next visit and get some things straight? Thanks! I am looking at a high functioning autism diagnosis from various doctors and cptsd to paint a bigger picture.
Hello from an early-80s punk who is now a family woman: I'm assuming you are in US? CPTSD is not, in fact in the DSM manual. Since I'm not a mental health pro I can't speak with "authority." But I go by Pete Walker and Bessel van Der Kolk (therapist and psychiatrist/ressearcher respectively). van Der folk in particular will have current info on his website.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes, Marysville, California (near Yuba City.) Sadly, it is still the dark ages here when it comes to mental health I am afraid, but I am super grateful for your response and for some direction. ~~~She is a kind person, but super "by the book" authoritarian and not sure if she sees the bigger picture. Thank you for your feedback.
@People's Poet
I feel your pain! 😢
What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD
This channel is a lifesaver!
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Also ECHOIST
A great website is
parenting.exposed
I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense.
It was NEVER me...It was my "parents"
Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
Tools to heal are more useful than a diagnosis
@@sylviekaiser1064 ...and if you arent allowed some of the tools without a diagnosis? Consider you cannot just go pickup some alpha blockers without a script. This means they require a diagnosis before they hand pills, (in this circumstance.) ~~~~Or some doctors you cannot get to see you unless you already have a diagnosis, as they are a specialist. Thats how Yuba county does it anyhow.
Thank you ❤️
You’re welcome 😊
Boy oh boy letting them make their own mistakes is hard as a parent to a 17-year-old child who has CPTSD.
I suffer from CPTSD. My wife has attended counseling with me but still doesn't understand. There have been times that she has told me to "deal with it". Wrong thing to say.
Anna, is there a way to DM or talk to you?
You can contact me through my website: crappychildhoodfairy.com
Hello .. is antisocial Personality Disorder (From childhood trauma) a branch of or the same as CPTSD?
I love encouragement 💗
Glad to give encouragement for CPTSD healing, but I don't tackle the types of questions that fall so deeply into psychiatry :)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ok thank you 😊
How do you deal with a marriage where both parties have cptsd? Let's face it, like attracts like.
This seems to be more aimed towards people who have yet to figure out they have CPTSD, but what about helping those who know they have it? I think I might have it, but I feel like when people want to help I can't tell them what I need.
You may want to check out Anna's FREE Daily Practice course or her Healing Childhood PTSD Course-- both of which are linked in the video description. I think you'll find helpful content in each of those. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I tried very hard to helped her but...
what to say or think of a person who writes you an intense love letter in the morning, in which the person tells you how wonderful you are, important in their life and that they have had the chance to meet you, that she has never felt so important and beautiful as since she has been with you and... dump you the same evening ...!?
Without giving real reasons or valid arguments ... refusing to discuss ... Dropping you without real warning in a sudden radio silence of a few weeks ... without ... "closure"? The other one draws the line on you and the relationship ... and just refuses to meet and talk to you about it, - period.
She suddenly asking for her duplicate keys apartment and withdrawing you from his Facebook friends as an official break ?
Why ? ... probably just because I had decided, following the recommendation of a psychologist, to put a limit on it..., to put a limit on her, concerning some of his intolerable and repetitive behavior towards me.
Sorry -- sounds like you got hurt by a troubled person.
Can I have a session with you over video?
yes. Visit the coaching page on my website: crappychildhoodfairy.com
💖👍
:)
Is it so bad that some folks simply don't want help, not because they think that they're above help and the 'love' of others, but that they simply want to be alone? Perhaps they simply enjoy being alone, and actually feel worse being around others a good chunk of the time? It all seems like a pretty gray area.
On the point about safety, here's probably the number one safety tip: If someone says they are angry and need to walk away to calm down, do not in any way interfere with their attempts to walk away. Do not block a doorway. Do not take hold of them to stop them. Do not even criticize their need to walk away. Just ... let them walk away. If you don't let them walk away, they might stop choosing to walk away. :D
Such a good point. Thanks!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You'd really be surprised how non-intuitive that is for some people. :P
Right on. I have someone who will provoke me when I'm driving the car and if I get so agitated that I feel I need to pull over. They would yell at me that I pulled over in a bad place and I would be grudgingly and still shaking drive away and then they criticize me for driving shaky and I would run a red light and stuff and demand that they allow me to pull over the car. Sometimes I would realize I was still in control and I would pull over the car was the safest thing but they were just unwilling to let me finish calming down after I pulled over and I couldn't get them out of my vehicle what do you do in that situation
My husband is so good at this. We were both abuse victems, we both have autism, and we also both have the same physical disability. The only difference is that I have CPTSD. And whenever I feel like I need to walk away because I’m so angry, he lets me have my space. The first few times, he almost tried to stop me, just because he was so worried about me, but after at least 2 or 3 times of that, he realized that the best thing for him to do is just to let me be, let me have my space, and I’ll be ok. He’s doing absolutely well with it now, and he totally understands. All I had to do was sit down and let him know that I was fine, and that I was going to try my very hardest to not hurt myself. I have a weighted blanket that I love to use, I also listen to music, and I really benefit from sensory toys. I also have a beanbag chair that I surrounded with pillows just to make myself feel safer. Swinging and/or rocking also helps me to calm down.
One of the things I'm really learning is just how much of a liability my own disregulated responses are if I don't get them under control one way or the other. Letting someone set me off really gives them way too much power in a situation, and it puts me at risk emotionally, mentally, socially, and in the extreme, it could even have a cost financially or even legally. Two of the things that have helped me immensely are Codependents Anonymous, a 12 step program like Alcoholics Anonymous that focuses on relational issues, and training from a couple of jobs I've had at assessing risk in potentially dangerous situations, choosing the least forceful means to deal with a conflict, and if necessary physical self defense. I find that for me, knowing how to physically defend myself if need be really helps me to feel a lot safer and not go off at most situations, because I know things won't go the same way as they did before if this person tries something. So I can just relax and deal with a problem verbally, or just leave.
I’m a parent with cptsd and I’m sure I caused cptsd in my adult sons- I have apologized to both of them and explained to them that I was the reason for their trauma- how can I help them moving forward? And how do I stop beating myself up for it?
I struggle with this too. I admit my feelings and say I'm doing the best I can. Be careful not to apologize too much. Everyone has the opportunity to be wrong and change.
So I think that best thing one can do is just accept the reality and just promise yourself to do better. We are not able to reverse our past but we can learn from it and really do better. Each and every moment of the day by being present and mindful of our actions. Beating oursleves up is just preventing change because your energy is focused on doing yet another harmful behavior. But on the other hand you can take inspired action and start focusing on what you do want to build instead of trying to destroy what has already been done.
you. Janet
just do it !😇
Remember that you are not finished being a mom. You didn't get a limited shot at it and now it's over. You'll be a mother tomorrow next year and hopefully decades after that. Be transparent and open and vulnerable but not contrite. Parents love their kids regardless of how stellar or unsatisfactory their parenting skills.
Acknowledging your actions is a massive validation of their feelings, that in itself is highly commendable , well done.
The parasitic ones who deny & gaslight are demons .
You are a wonderful human being....Thank you,
Aw, what a kind thing to say. Thank you!
I found the first part of this discouraging and generalized. I have cptsd... for I time I was misdiagnosed as BPD... but I am very aware of my condition and what happens when I am triggered. Some of us are doing all we can to acknowledge it and learn about it... we aren’t broken or unfixable..:.just hurt
Agreed. Not broken!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The symptoms you describe here like "cold", "flying into rages", "dysregulation", difficulty to take criticism, saying cruel things, are also symptoms of covert narcissism. So, how do we know the difference and avoid getting exhausted trying to help a narcissist?
If the person with CPTSD is constantly acting like a narcissist and doing nothing towards healing, it wouldn't matter, you can't fix them either way.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yep been there with a sibling. I've had to go very limited contact as it was poisoning me
You cant help either - they must want to make a change. A narcissist probably wouldn't recognise a problem anyhow.
@@NeurodiversityFairy Sure you can`t «heal» anyone against their will. By «helping» I mean just showing understanding and giving a second chance, which I would never do with a narcissist. People with CPTSD, as Anna mentions, often do not recognize a problem either.
@@jannajohnsen1796 There is huge crossover as most CPTSD present as NPD/BPD - what’s the difference? Very little a lot of the time, they are all born from childhood trauma (majority of the time) and display similar traits. A covert narcissist will often gaslight and victimised themselves to a degree that CPTSD may not, with ptsd there is a greater opportunity to have introspection into what is going on
I was raised by a grandmother who was an alcoholic. She was a mean drunk, verbally abusive and violent at times. She was very demeaning and we catered to her and pampered her. I thought that was how you treated people. Scarey thing is I navigated towards people just like that. It wasn't until 2019 that I snapped out of it. Oh the regrets I have and damage I am trying to repair. My poor children. They were the only people in my life who loved me and they caught hell. I hope it is not to late for us. I had no idea how to love me let alone my children. I have a lot of work to do and 2020 has been a year of healing.
hey even Ebenezer got a chance to do it right before it was too late.
Thank you Anna, this is such an important advice even for therapists working with CPTSD!
Perhaps others find this summary of it helpful:
1. Be safe.
2. Be encouraging.
3. Be aware (of emotional flashback or dysregulation) and respond with points 1. 2. and 4.
4. When a person is in a CPTSD state (showing their CPTSD symptoms)... be gentle.
5.Recover yourself (from your own issues - If you want someone to recover)!
Thank you for comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Most people don't know how to really help us who are suffering from complex-ptsd, major depression, anxiety and ocd. I fell through the cracks many many times and got left behind suffering with complex-ptsd etc. It's a big problem that there's not enough therapist, services and resources who are trained to treat complex-ptsd. Complex ptsd isn't fun at all. It's a daily struggle. It affects my daily activities and has for many many years. People just don't understand how serious complex ptsd is. I have come to my own realization that I do better being by myself. I need to have my own place and space to myself for my own sanity and privacy. I need my own place and space to myself. I don't do well being around people all the time. I just can't handle it. It stresses me out too much and then I'm physically exhausted and fatigued. I'm so tired of trying to explain it too people who really don't understand.
I certainly understand that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The dislikes on this video are from overcontrolling jerks...live and let live. my mantra is "I love you enough to not make your day worse."
A very important lesson for those of us with overly open & loving hearts. It's important to know the "boundaries" of helping people with mental health disorders so that you don't end up hurt when trying to help them.
I say this from experience; I gave it my all to help numerous people and show them love for maybe their first time ever, and it would feel like it just went to the void; they would always pull away. It was the same pattern with everyone and it started to hurt me. I began to think my love and help was defective or I'm not good enough for the world, and slowly became entirely drained and thinking low of myself. Almost like I was traumatized (or retraumatized) in a new way, I hate to say. It has been a recovery process.
Luckily there's wonderful people out there who look like they made it to the other side of the tunnel, making videos like this for us who aren't there yet. I now realize why these people couldn't be helped. I already knew it wasn't their fault, but it's so nice to know it's not mine either; that I just have to approach it differently...sometimes very, even as backwards as it might seem at times.
But also so importantly that they are responsible for their own journey, because they can't be helped without being willing; it has to be their choice to accept and heal and it comes at their own time. So basically there's nothing I could have really done anyway, at least not on the scale I was hoping for. But I do see opportunities in this new light. I think this is a big load off of my shoulders that continues to unload as I come across great resources like this. Thank you
Thank you for your post. I needed to read this today.
From the fulness of my heart, thank you for your wisdom and knowledge. I am a child and youth worker and I work in child protection and also part time in a homeless shelter and your videos have brought me so much insight and awareness and I am able to do better, more healing work💜.
My husband does all of these (without even knwing about these vids) , it probably helps that he has worked with animals and small children. Sometimes he also reflects my feeligns or the events of the day that may have caused an upset back to me as if I were a toddler which, embarrsingly, helps immensely. Ex: "you seem a bit anxious. Remember you went and confronted XY today, that was difficult, right? Why don't you go take a break for a moment" . He's so good at this, I somehow won the lottery
A person with CPTSD has to decide on his or her own to change.
if cptsd is linked to violent behaviour how can one tell when is cptsd and not narcissism or psychopathic tendencies?
good question. i left someone i love with all my heart because i felt it was narcissism. i’m now questioning. people with CPTSD are hurting bad enough to act self centered as a means to survive. not not necessarily narcissistic.
Remember Step 1.
People with C-PTSD can become narcissists due to the trauma. It could be that what has happened. My parent is a narcissist because their parent is a narcissist and they clearly have trauma from it. Unfortunately narcissists very very rarely can change so it was a good idea to get out of the relationship. I have C-PTSD but am trying very hard not to let it affect my relationships and am trying to watch a video about narcissists, healing, C-PTSD, etc. every day and frequently do mental health tasks I set myself to do, and keep a track of my emotions. It's a difference from who's wanting to heal and who doesn't want to / likes being miserable / isn't bothered to put effort in
Tora i think that people can seem to have narcissism if they have CPTSD. because suffering, as we do, can cause us to be very self-centered. i understand that narcissism is caused by early childhood trauma before the age of 5. because humans develop empathy at that age. the trauma can inhibit the development of empathy. lack of empathy is the telltale sign of narcissism.
@@rigzintsomo5943 Yup! But narcissism can still happen from trauma
My 15 year old granddaughter, who has CPTSD, lives with me and I am getting SO much help and guidance from you. I really appreciate these videos. Thank you and bless you. 😊🌺
Oh good! I'm so glad to help with this important part of your life (and hers).
I laugh often when you discribe behaviors bc its as if you know me personally. Ive been in therapy all of my adult life and you've done more for me in one video than they have as a whole. Thank you
yeah, i laughed too when she said they use some familiar yucky phrase like."youre only with me because...." at the nine minute mark. ha ha i've used that one a lot! she does hit the nail on the head, doesnt she?
yeah laurel, i hear that. this too happened to me. amazing huh? talk about a light bulb going on in my head. some times she explains things from her experience that speaks to and mirrors my life like form-fitted. were you searching for something specific or questioning about yourself why you was the way you was in life? not finding the answers? that was me until i listened shocked and surprised to miss anna. she put the puzzle pieces in the right place for me to see and realize my ordeal in life both as a yougin and adult. i never believed in or trusted or even thought the "professionals" could help me. yeah, i knew i had a messed up upbringing and those close to me knew also. but never was it all tied together to help liberate me and describe me or define was i was so out-of-wack different? they say, better late than never. this is true and a good thing only i wish it happened many years before instead now that im almost 60. but very very thankful for this new chance in life to live and see things from a healthy perspective. god bless you miss anna and all us who have up till now suffered more than our fair share. light and life to you.
I am healing my CPTSD and painful as it was, I was also toxic and abusive. Anna, your videos have helped me realise how I can navigate organically and effectively to heal each day. I may have caused trauma, too to my son. And this for me, is painful as a mother. But I can heal. I am healing from all the hurt of the past. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being part of our journey. 🌱🙏🦋
Thank you for addressing abusive People! Since I have CPTSD as well, I naturally didn't want to abandon the person... but it's physically killing me, and since the person won't accept their part, and is NOT safe to stay with, I must do what I do not want to Do! I pray that person will find this is an issue for them as well, but no matter how much I want to save them, I Cannot! It may even be the death of me if I don't step away from the situation... Devastating and heartbreaking...
Glad you're here, I know how difficult choices like that can be.
I have CPTSD, autism, anxiety, depression and a physical disability. I was abused in many ways for almost a decade by my stepmom, and I was abused in many forms. I don’t really reach out or ask for help, because I don’t trust anybody, except my real mom, and my husband. And some other people in my life. When I feel dysregulated, I tend to say very rude and harsh things. I tend to misinterpret things people say, and I end up making what they said sound like it was very rude. For example, if someone says, “so what, if someone said something mean, so what.” Then I make that into, “no one cares! No one cares about what someone said to you, or that you went through bullying or whatever you went through.” But after the storm has finally calmed down, I always feel bad about what I said. I’m usually not abusive or anything, and I would NEVER, EVER do anything to physically hurt the ones that I love. I would never physically hurt my mom, and even if I did, I would feel terrible about it. Fuck, even my dad thinks I misinterpreted the things that he and his wife, which is my stepmom, but he said that I misinterpreted the stuff they did to me, but it really was abuse, but they don’t think so. But all I know is this, there is lots of hope for me to heal. Leaving social media was definitely a good step in the right direction. I don’t need Facebook, I don’t need “friends” because a lot of people cannot be trusted. I have a few good friends, and I’m gonna keep those friends, but the rest of the world, I just cannot trust. I don’t want people to be around me, I don’t people to hang out with me, and I don’t want to be around people, unless it’s someone I absolutely know. Even though I might be someone that some people would want to be around, I don’t want to be that way, I don’t want anyone hanging out with me.
I’ve also been working on saying that I’m not sorry instead of saying that I am sorry for certain things. I don’t say that I’m not sorry for lashing out at my loved ones. I say that I’m not sorry for using certain things or words about the people who have done me dirty. I’m not sorry if I hurt their feelings, I’m not sorry if they’re crying, I’m not sorry for speaking my peace! I’m not even sorry if they’re feeling the pain and karma that I gave them! I’m not sorry! At all!
Oh my I have been going through this very thing lately pressure be different I get over whelmed feeling like being gangedup on and get angry shut down
I needed to hear this. My brother and sister and I grew up in such a traumatic environment. Im in therapy and slowly headed towards healing but my siblings will not go to therapy or look into our type of trauma...its so upsetting because we often talk about our upbringing and I feel it takes me back several steps
Yes, a lot of us are in a similar boat. Our healing is sometimes a solo journey!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy true, I'll have to learn to take this walk alone and hope they'll start their own journey.
Hi Anna, I've been watching your videos for a month and it is so refreshing to see a different approach, rather than the canned meds & therapy approach. (Even though that may help others). I was wondering if you would be able to make a video for those of us who have loved ones who are immensely pressuring us to "forgive" our abusers? I recently have had my road to recovery interrupted by family members urging me to forgive a dangerous and abusive person in our family. I know that some people are able to have contact with abusive family members but I have chosen to go no-contact for my health and it feels very invalidating to me. As if they don't understand or care about the trauma that I went through. Thank you for your thoughts in advance.
No one should be pressured into forgiving their abusers.
Forgiveness is not the same as trust.
After watching these videos I was shocked that very thing you have said is me!!!! I have been trying to numb this Cptsd for my whole life. I keep failing over and over. I have lost everything in my life because of this. I have been to 7 rehabs and have no one but myself in my life. Even after 9 months sober and trying so hard to fit in, make friends it doesn't work.I even started a Refuge Recovery Group group. I was thinking I started this people would be my friends and I would not be alone anymore. I was wrong! I am so messed up I could tell you what happens when I am around people but it would be easier to watch your videos. I am trying to save up to take your online classes. I am in college now so no money and no work because of covid. But I am not gonna give up this time. I'll put it in Gods hands.
No wonder you relate -- the core techniques I teach, I learned from sober alcoholics! Have you learned my Daily Practice? This is what they taught me and it turned my entire life around. Would you like to be connected to a sober alcoholic who can show you how to do this in the context of the 12 Steps? They are the happiest sober people I've ever known, and virtually all of them enjoy permanent sobriety. I can introduce you if you like. e-mail me at Anna@crappychildhoodfairy.com.
I have been doing meditations and core techniques. I’m doing my best with what I have learned from you.
Thank you for this video at this time. I’m really experiencing these symptoms and this helped.🙏
Funny how that happens!
Do NOT say "you seem overwealmed" or disregulated! OMG! Wow. Does this really need to be explained. Its like saying to a woman In reaction to somethimg they are expressing at the time "are you on your period?" You seem a little edgy... Its minimising. Dismissive, and the opposite of helpful...
You seem like a really lovely lady if you don’t me being too informal lol 🥰😍
Thanks for the compliment!
Creepy
@@REQtip I hope you’re ok. Whatever you’re feeling from Chris’s comment read to me as a strong reaction based on whatever experience you had in the past. That’s what I read into what you said and I just want to wish you healing from whatever triggered your strong reaction.
You can't heal them. They have to be ready and delends on the diagnosis. Control yourself if your an adult.
Yep.
I am the one with PTSD. I sought help on my own because I know Im not okay. I feel like I should leave because I don't want to hurt the people I love.
Are you trying some techniques now? This is an excellent self-care routine that usually helps with dysregulation urses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/courses/daily-practice
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am working towards it. I've watched most of your videos now and am feeling more hope than I have in a long time.
YESSSS! its never okay to tolerate or excuse abuse of any kind
Such valuable advice here ~ TY 4 sharing, caring providing hope & understanding with compassion 😘
Asking is invited permission ~ its a green light signaling being
receptive versus resistance
Encouragement is medicine 😘
Discouragement is poison
Hello, I have CPTSD and I am sometimes triggered or have over reactions and I may hurt people verbaly, I soon regret it and try to appologize but it is never accepted
And I am left alone, rejected or insulted back for my tantrum. And feels so horrible. What I should do when I cause such a harm? Usually is my twin sister and mather ( they have also CPTSD) Wait and appologize latter or what? I recently started your dailly practice. Its helping but triggers still happening. Thank you very much.
HI, the Daily Practice is the right thing. Now I recommend you get into the calls and maybe the membership group to get into some community and have support to use the Daily Practice every day, twice a day, done the way it is taught. Triggers are going to happen forever. Over time you'll learn to calm them. It's not a quick fix but if you're like me, a lot of relief comes right away knowing you have a way to get calm, every time.
For this awesome video on c p t s d
Cptsd causing anxiety + ibs, how does that heal. It seemed to heal for a while, but once life got very difficult & stressful again it all came back. Starting with food poisoning that triggered ibs all over again, which came hand in hand with anxiety. Stressful job environment that made it all worse. Then pandemic, & therapist retiring. Now anxiety & ibs won't go away 😭
Glad you are here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My fiancé told me that talking about my childhood is dwelling on it and he doesn’t think anything from my past should affect me as an adult. It’s really difficult to hear that. Especially since I suppressed the hurt/pain/anger until recently (and I’m 40) and I’m just barely letting it out and learning how to heal. He thinks that I’m trying to use this condition to justify my behavior and to be able to be crappy. I don’t know what to do.
Haha I love your profile name what made you choose it? It’s really funny 😘
Glad you also think it's funny. I didn't think the world needed another heavy thing.
@Crappy Childhood Fairy FREAKING INCREDIBLE
I can’t help but feel that it’s so hard to consistently try to be the best version of yourself for someone with CPTSD. I’ve been close with a friend who I suspect has this condition- she shared with me that she doesn’t have a good r/s with her family esp her mother and was possibly neglected by her in favour of her younger siblings so she does not see the need to communicate with them like most families do.
We have several mutual friends from school and recently there was a falling out between her and two others (I was more of a middleman) because some of their actions have been quite triggering for her (something along the lines of them suggesting she seeks help from her family). She immediately expressed her hurt and disappointment with them as she felt that they should have known that she’s not on good terms with them after knowing each other for so many years, and emphasised the fact that she would never bring up triggering things for them. As the middleman I’ve heard the other side of the story and that they didn’t mean to hurt her at all with their actions but rather just a comment out of concern. I tried to get my friend to see their side of the story, not forcibly of course but through gentle suggestions, but she says she’s already done what she can and I could tell she believes that they were in the wrong. I’m at a loss of what to do, and on my part I ended up blowing up on the entire group because of my own frustration that we were just going to let a decade long friendship end like this. My other two friends were apologetic to me for making me the middle person but I think my friend with cptsd took offence at me not agreeing with her/taking her side and now we haven’t talked in about a month.
I’m learning now that I can’t change people because they probably don’t see the bigger picture, and suggesting them to change is just me sitting on my high horse. I also understand these are mostly defense mechanisms to protect themselves because they never got that kind of support growing up. But I don’t know how long more I can support a friend who isn’t looking at herself and what she might possibly be contributing to all this. And what if I trigger her again like how I’ve done now and she just gives me the silent treatment? (This isn’t the first time) She’s had several close friendships in the past that all ended with her walking out too. I wish I could be there for her but I don’t want to enable these thought patterns of black and white, I’m right and they’re wrong etc.
Good for you! It doesn't help her at all to be false.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have sat on both sides of this very painful conflict. Let me just say, there is not enough education or awareness about what abuse actually is. One of the worst things that happens after someone finally breaks free from an extremely abusive relationship is what’s called secondary abuse.
This is where friends, family, law enforcement, and/or untrained therapists… will minimize, justify, or even dismiss the actions of their abuser usually it includes victim blaming as well.
If her family was emotionally, psychologically, financially, or physically abusive to her then that’s NOT her support system nor will it ever be. They are responsible for creating her core childhood wounds. The relationships she’s had subsequently often will mimic that same abusive dynamic. At some point she recognized this and learned how to set boundaries in her relationships and enforce them. Which is extremely difficult and very painful to do.
She probably doesn’t have a lot of people in her life that can support her and that’s not her fault.
Suggesting she get support from the very people who abused her is some of the worst advice anyone could give a victim. It’s highly insulting and painful to have anyone who she thought cares about her to not see that and trying to explain to her why she should basically not be insulted or hurt because your friends weren’t coming from a bad place effectively dismisses and disregards her very real and very valid pain even further. I’m sure this was not anyones intention but unfortunately that is what I believe happened and why she had to cut off communication with her friends. It is not healthy for her emotionally nor psychologically to have her pain and vulnerability be dismissed by friends suggesting she seek out support from the very people who caused her original childhood wounds. If you all truly care for her… recognizing this is the kindest most loving healing thing you all could do for her. Apologize for what that actually did to her and make an effort to not repeat that same mistake in the future. Receiving that validation from you three will do more for her than a year of therapy.
Am I a bad person if I choose not to fight for the relationship w my CPTSD partner and just let him go? Especially when he criticized the things most dear to me. I couldn't remain unaffected by the way his traumas were showing. Maybe our CPTSDs were clashing?
It's not impossible to love someone with CPTSD but it's very difficult for them to not push you away because they don't trust the love you feel for them.
Several points given were helpful to me, one point is that I now have PTSD from the person suffering from CPTSD because all of the past insults I have received from her makes me more sensitive when those insults continue to come. I have heard many people say that their spouse left or abandoned them when actually they pushed their spouse away.
when her abadnoment issues hit, can i say "nope im not going anywhere, but i do have boundaries, if you run, im not chasing you, I will give you your space, if you flip out, i might pull away, but i will always come back when you have cooled down, or feeling better."
That sounds kind AND wise. Great work!
I’ve been a nervous wreck around my partner who has a fiery temper... for our whole relationship (one year). I dissociated for nearly 2 weeks and went totally numb after he ignored me a few times and I became triggered and terrified, I couldn’t feel anything after that.
He said I was a “vulnerable narcissist” which I found so damaging 😥 all I ever do is try to please him, cater to him, try not to upset him, and a lot try to avoid him 😔
I snapped out of dissociation in an instant and cried for 3 days straight. That felt relieving.
I am ready to go on my healing journey. Thank you for your videos. They are so helpful x x
Thank you Anna. Very well put. Question 1. Do you have a PO box to send a card? 2. Would you do a video on the perception of the physical self that is not truth. Warped reflection in the mirror. Your hair looks beautiful by the way. Thank you again.
Helping CPTSD sufferer is in building a trustful relationship with that person so he/she may open up and share - most likely first time in the entire life! I don't like how CPTSDs are portrayed here - they cannot help themselves/they won't allow you to help them. NOT TRUE!
Amen. I believe building trust is the MOST important area for CPTSD sufferers. Being gentle and patient, but setting firm boundaries with the person to keep everyone safe.
It's a Catch 22; most of our CPTSD symptoms are more prominent when we are in relationship, which is the best time/way for us to work on them, however being in relationships that can't support/won't allow for this work can also trigger us even more.
Just had a moment, and I reacted wrong ...should have watched the video first !!!
When I’m dysregulated my partner tells me I’m going to be okay and changes the topic. I’ve asked him about it when not dysregulated and he says he tries to get my mind off of my negative thoughts and emotions to help cheer me up. Although I know he means well it flares me up more and makes me feel like he’s just waving off my emotions and doesn’t really care.
I have a new symptom I have gone into shock 😢 it’s happened 2 times now? I have had cervical surgery May 15 I was mistreated by the nurses and so they were shocked to know the big boss is a longtime friend of my Brother in law. He sorted it out but the damage was done. I left in shock and remained in shock for nearly two weeks. My family was so worried. I ended up calling my sister 10 days later. She said I was out of it. I dunno it’s scary 😢
I am helping my cousin who manipulated me over the phone into making me believe that since his mom passed away and his step dad has gotten a new girlfriend, that he was depressed and needed help. Me being very mothering, with him having autism decided to help him. I figured i could help him get his meds right and get his own place. Hes 34 years old and has the mentality of around 9 years old. Well i have been going through hell trying to help him. Hes drinking trying to find friends in bad crowds and disrespecting my home where i am married with 4 kids. The stepdad failed to tell me that back in his home state last year he was diagnosed with PTSD. i feel it was t0 pawn him off on me. Now idk what to do. I feel like sending him back to the stepdad. Im afraid hes going to hurt my family or himself. He is rebelling against me. He is talking to himself and vivid nightmares to where the whole house hears. What can i do with him? He can't stay here. His mother babied him his whole life and handed everything to him so he has no knowledge of a dollar and not willing to learn. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your understanding of complex PTSD which I suffer from
when u have cptsd, and r about to undergo needed medial testing, how to ask for what u need? and if u dont get it (phone call didnt go well, no other insurance option) keep from flipping out. i really really need this tests. Thank you!
Thank you, this was really helpful in framing things for me so I can be there in a more healing way for my partner.
Should a doctor diagnose this condition or self diagnose is ok without talking to a professional?
Thank you!🙏🏻❤️
You are so welcome
I just realized my friend doesn't have ADHD at all
How do you help a trauma victim who is triggered by the very topic of trauma?
If anyone wants to help, LISTEN