That was a hard watch Tim. Well done for getting through it. I'm 54 my heart goes out to him and his family. What people have to recognise is that suicide is another option, and your mind always comes back to it if no other option is available or seems achievable. It's a pity his Marine brethren couldn't intervene.
I finished 12 years in the army, went to Uni, got a great second career and then I caught my wife of 23 years sleeping with my best mate and my world crashed. Went through 6 years of hell. Heavy drinking, sleeping around, multiple failed relationships, breakdown with my kids (not heard from them since 2015), put on loads of weight and generally became demotivated. Pretending the veterans where my mates, using social media as a crutch, until one day my daughter got married and Wasn’t invited. I sat at 7 am with 2 bottles of whiskey and a bottle of painkillers and thought you know what have I got left? 8 years on I am married, got a great wife, a lovely step daughter and all the love in the world a man could need from a family. I don’t live a fancy life, I lost all that in the dark days, but I learnt material things are not important. I stopped going to veterans events (they all live in the past), I scrapped social media and I stopped drinking. I cut out all the so called “mates” from my life as they all vanished during my dark days, no support so stuff them. I am a much happier person for it, there is always hope.
@@daveberry2177 glad you’re still with us, that morning I looked at the bottles, and instead of opening them I rang a helpline, can’t remember who Samaritans I think, and spoke for 2 hours, I realised it was my life to make, so I started the slow turn, took me until 2019 (2015 was the daughters wedding), and travelled the world where I met my wife (Swedish) on a train from Denmark, and she got me over the final hurdles. It’s a mental battle, some win, some don’t, I’m glad I never drank the whiskey. Cheers Dave, hope your demons stay tucked under the fire blanket 👍
@@joostvanderlee9569yeah I’ve learned this myself very recently. It feels weird. Particularly when sat in the house wearing mtp shorts and knowing where I probably should be
I left the Royal Navy after 39 years and 11 months service and a young Female Leading Hand signed an A5 certificate to thank me for my exemplary service, cut my ID card in half and asked me if there was anything else ! I walked out into civvy street. Luckily I have a very supportive wife and close family. It was hard. I missed putting my uniform on and just doing my job. I started a solo landscape gardening concern to keep busy and chilled out digging planting and concreting and meeting some lovely people. I am still alive and married at 76, been drawing my pension for 20 years, volunteering to keep occupied and have a big garden. Life is good, except for Starmer who boils my piss !
As I have gotten older I have experienced stuff which at the time seemed all-consuming. Leaving the service after 22 years, loss of a job (redundancy) loss of wife (divorce), loss of both parents, brother and other relatives and friends (unfortunately one to suicide). Some of it happened 30 years ago some more recently, not to trivialise any of it but what I have learned is that given time none of it matters “This too shall pass” It always saddens me when someone takes their life because of something that is essentially temporary and in 10, 20 or 30 years time would have been a distant memory, gone but not forgotten. RIP Major General Holmes
Great stuff! At 55, I went from a senior command position with a load of responsibility to nothing overnight. The phone stopped ringing with incident briefings as I was out of the loop. No more taking charge or being consulted. It hit hard until I focused on a routine; exercising daily, writing, and studying. Cut the alcohol, meditate and follow Jordan Peterson's advice - "Treat yourself like you would someone you're responsible for helping."
I'm a Royal Navy veteran (non-commissioned) of 34 years and I must say, inter-Service banter aside and despite having never met you, you are one of the finest Officers I have come across. Thank-you for all you do Sir.
Well said. Very VERY few things can have a positive impact on a deployment quite as much as having a solid officer with you. Just as a ‘less than solid’ officer can derail a deployment… or cause things that are even worse. Fair winds & following seas, brother.
I was in the RAF for 22 years. A mate of mine finished his time too. It’s like losing a family & the British military aren’t like the US where you still have an ID card & can use the base & have medical support. You walk out of the gate after 22 years & you can’t even turn & go back in if you forgot your jacket. It’s pretty crap. My mate also split up with his wife. He had 2 daughters. So he’s just lost 2 families. First thing we knew was when he’d killed himself. It was shocking to say the least. After I left the RAF I was trying to go to Saudi with British aerospace. I’d wanted to do this from the early days of my aircraft engineering career in the RAF. It took me about 5 years before I got the job on tornado in Dhahran. My wife & I had separated briefly before I got the job but we decided to try again (bad decision in hindsight). I enjoyed the work & the guys in Saudi. It was similar to the military lifestyle, however the management were appalling & the company little better. After various issues I finally caught my wife being unfaithful & she went back to the UK. I tried to reconcile until I found she’d started seeing one of my best friends. At the same time I had just had surgery so was off work & it was at Christmas. So I was on my own at Christmas having just lost my wife to a friend with my arm immobilised post surgery & not able to go home. It was a pretty crap place to be. I was very low but I’ve alway just thought to myself “this time next year, next week, next month it will be different”. You never know what will happen. How right I was. My shoulder deteriorated until I finally had to have more surgery. It was also during covid so no travel & little socialising. To add to that after 3 years of bullying from my management (most ex forces themselves) I’d finally used the British aerospace procedure & reported the matter. The company aren’t good. The HR department swept the matter under the rug. To add to that the management closes ranks (most were masons). They couldn’t get rid of me using company policy so they went to the Saudis & used my shoulder injury to get them to PNG me. All illegal & against all policies. They gave me 6 days to pack my entire life & return to the UK in the middle of lockdown. Obviously this wasn’t possibly & after 3 weeks they finally game me my 90 days I was contracted to do. So now I’m stuck in Saudi, lost my wife, friend, job, home & had no home in the UK to return to as I’d lived abroad for 18 years. During these times my management called me once. Not to see how I was & if I needed anything. But to ask why my medical pass has ran out. Needles to say it was a pretty horrible time in my life and I had my friend in mind & what he’d done. But still I knew that regardless of what’s happening things will ALWAYS improve. And improve they did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living the perfect life at the moment. But I’m happy & content with a lovely woman & a fun life. Things need to improve still, I still have no home due to no credit rating & I’m only contracting at the moment until I find a permanent job but life’s good & the past issues have long been forgotten or at least not something to worry me. I actually tried to take BAe to court but I was told I couldn’t take them to court for bullying as I’m white, heterosexual, male & because they made us sign a contract over there I couldn’t get them for unlawful dismissal. I still think of my friend & what it could’ve taken to pull him round.
My father joined the RAF in 1939 as an airman and left as a Flt Lt DFC in 46. He did 69 trips over France and Germany from 40 until late 44 being shot down 3 times but each time managing to ditch and survive. He had a breakdown and could not physically move to his aircraft on his 70th mission in many other circumstances that could have been seen as LMF and that would be an instant dismissal from RAF aircrew duties loss of rank etc but he had volunteered for his 3rd tour so it was recognised he pushed himself until he broke. That aircraft and its crew did not come back. I am here because of that quirk of fate. He never talked about the war except something on TV which would trigger him to make a comment. You could not draw him out on this comment/statement he would close up immediately, real burst transmission. BUT over the years I did put some pieces of the jigsaw together. Ironically he stated that many guys who had LMF would join the Commandos to prove they were not cowards just could not fly any more. I joined the Royal Marines commandos. He and his fellow Bomber Command comrades were treated terribly after the war near to the SS by some. Yet during the war they were the big hero's and lost percentagewise more than another unit. He refused to have his own photo taken until late in life with grandchildren. This was because when they had squadron photos taken in a few weeks half could be gone and he saw a photo as a bad omen. He said there is only one person who is going to look after you and that is you he expected absolutely nothing from anyone. That simple mantra has stuck with me throughout my life. I am 66. I served in a foreign army after my RM service 24 plus 23. I have seen my fair share of suicides and drinking yourself into oblivion. I have learnt that the strongest men people who you could never conceive it kill themselves or take up the bottle. I last saw Matt Holmes here in Estonia when he was the 3 Commando Brigade Commander I first saw him in 42 as a young officer. The full circle. I was astounded when I heard of his suicide. BUT that has been my conclusion every time I have heard this bad news. What Him? Impossible. I look after myself I know life is gonna be the good and the bad but I feel mainly it is wonderful. My great escape is exercise which resets me everyday to a good platform. I refuse to look back. Fortunately I made a golden rule at 20. No drinking in the week no drinking if working tomorrow. No drinking during the day and only after 19.00hrs Fridays and Saturdays. In the seventies as a young marine i would get the occasional jibe for not going ashore, you a man or a mouse sketch I would reply yeh get get me some cheese wanker. They were great lads but be your own man.
PS I rewatched Gregory Peck in Twelve O'Clock High recently, I felt slightly dismissive of the scene where he freezes while trying to climb aboard for another bombing mission. Your father has corrected my lack of knowledge, and I thank him for that.
superb and wise comments... many thanks mate, also " No drinking in the week no drinking if working tomorrow. No drinking during the day and only after 19.00hrs Fridays and Saturdays.".... I followed the same rule and was given very similar advice by a colleague in government service a few decades ago... has also served me well!
Matt Holmes was my RM liaison officer when I was on exchange with the RNLMC , he was a good guy , no airs or Graces about him. He arrived at our hiring on a motor bike wearing a tin lid….in my view he was sidelined by the heirachy of the Royal Navy who had other ideas for the direction of the Corps. That said it was a shame that he didn’t have two Oppo’s that he could phone and confide in. The RM Officer Corps is quite sharp with each other and some have told me privately that brother officers aren’t as close as you’d believe. It’s dog eat dog at the top and the loneliness of command is relevant.
Finding this channel at 16 was very useful, Tim is one of the most genuine, thorough, and informative person on UA-cam right now. Tim has helped and continues to help other people through his content, all in which through his knowledge and experience. And we thank you for that Tim. I hope in the future I can do the very same thing and help others to help get through there struggled and stride on to be the best versions of themselves as me with not a rough but certainly not easy start I have come so far in just 1 year I am completely unrecognisable, and Tim has helped me a lot as well.
Such a sad story. Hopelessness is a terrible mind set to be in. Props to you for the work you doing with men to show them how resilient they actually are. My faith got me through a lot of the dark times and the thumbnail "no one is coming to save you" rings true. Never give up, never surrender, even to yourself.
Tim I'm nearly 70 now and fortunately have never suffered in this way. You talk sense about this subject to my mind. It's tragic that this man was treated in this way. The First Sea Lord should have made this transition to the new structure at the end of this man's tour of duty, not 22 months into a three year stretch. That's called PLANNING not "oh that's a good idea. Let's do it tomorrow" he should be ashamed of himself. As hard as that was to watch I'd recommend to any guy in his mid 40's onwards to watch it and take note. RIP Major General Holmes.
That was hard. Alone, seeming no prospects; a bleak outlook. What a shame and a loss. So sad. I was with Fire & Rescue, injured in 2008, retired through injury. Suddenly couldn’t do all the things I used to. Thanks for bringing this up, Mike.
At the end of life, no-one wishes they’d spent more time at work. No organisation, however storied and honourable, will ever value you as much as your family and friends do. Work to live, not live to work. And don’t take any of it too seriously.
Thanks for the thought, Tim; unfortunately for some, including Matt, sometimes the friends and family turn away too! For others, they are the first to go.
Cheers Tim. No truer word spoken about relationships and a career - these can be taken away from us in a moment. Great content and RIP Major General Holmes. Take care.
I've faced my own "no way out" scenario. In my case, I got lucky. Can't explain it to this day but I looked down and read something that someone close to me had once said. That was a fraction of a second before bad stuff happened. I couldn't do it to them then, and I still get dark thoughts, I don't think I'll ever be 100% free from it, the same wording saves me every time. It's my duty to make sure the person that said it to me is never burdened with the knowledge that they saved me, and continues to keep me going. I was most certainly an island. I still stumble. But I have a reason to get back up each time. My plan B is literally just "When you're walking through hell, keep on walkin'" RIP MajGen Holmes.
My saying is similiar "work until work is done" - Keep pressing on man! Not to sound to preachy but Philippians 4:12-13 always strengthens me. Do with that what you will.
This video, along with the comments it has raised, is almost certainly the finest tribute that has been, or will ever be, paid to Major General Holmes.
Thanks for this one Tim - really appreciate your perspective, a very sad end to Major General Holmes who was obviously a warrior in the true sense of the word. I hope we can all learn from this tragedy.
I was asked by a former Ireland rugby international recently about the challenges of leaving the army and how he thought it must be not dissimilar to ending a career as a professional sportsman. We didn't get the time to fully explore or unpack the issue, but I'd imagine there are a lot of lessons from this tragic event that can transfer or translate to other industries/arenas. 'Loss of status' is certainly one of them, as is the sense of belonging, the value system you subscribe to, the culture and routine etc, etc - all gone and replaced by uncertainty, change and less well defined 'stuff'. Hugely challenging and not an easy thing to prepare for.
Tim, really valuable video, discussing difficult issues really well. Not an easy task and you 100% smash it! Thanks for doing this and everything you do!!
As always Tim, thank you for the 'real' talk and help. You are still serving your country, and your fellow man generally, even though you are out of the RAF. Keep up the good work and keep yourself together. All the very best.
I watched this man on a documentary which aired last year. I was so inspired by him and what he said I just had to Google him to find out more. It was then I learned that he took his own life, I was truly gutted for him and his family, what a great man and what a tragic end . RIP, sir.
I served with the RN as a grunt for 9yrs and on leaving I had this nieve idea that the country would be grateful for my efforts but no. You very quickly realise that in civvy Street you are a number. No understanding of what it takes and what you give. Some say we shouldn't expect special treatment and honesty they are right but a fair crack is all we ask. Many of us find the end of military career difficult and the adjustment into civilian life troublesome. The can do attitude is missing and the " that's not my job mate" really grates. When I left in the 80s there was no rehab from the military at that time. The only people you can trust are those who have got some in. Tragic when one of our number can only see death as a way out.
Hi, I’ve been watching your videos/commentary for months, avidly absorbing your views on many issues….My dream was to be a pilot, but a severe motorcycle accident stopped me in my tracks..! At 17 years old I was taught a lesson that I can never forget. After suffering horrendous injuries that required 15 operations to repair life threatening injuries over a period of 10 years, I understand trauma, PTSD, bipolar & myriad depressive illnesses which can inherently lead to paranoid personality disorder, etc, etc.. This tragic story has gripped my soul, but there is a positive outcome. You’re stirring souls to think about & reveal the tragedy of their lives & therefore guide & encourage them towards reaching out for essential help. I was trained as a precision engineer, but finally realised, I was part of the very thing we have come to despise..!!! As we descend from a tragic mountain of discontent, we start to understand there are higher more stable mountains to ascend… We must keep climbing, for If we don’t progress, we decay..😇
Tim, you are an absolute legend. I know you have your own problems but you never tire of trying to help others. Same as my outlook on life. Mega respect from an ex RAF veteran 👍👍👍
Tough vlog to listen to but so much hard hitting truth. About to leave a high profile job to do something more mundane so your takeaways are really useful.
There should be far more support for these men when they leave. Not a hand out, an acknowledgement. They could be invited into hiking trips, tours of London or other cities. museum tours. There should be at least a dozen events for these men to have access, to attend. Im beginning to think the pomp and ceremony that turns out for the Royals is a shallow hollow front.
Hi Tim, I’ve just found this and recognise everything you say. I’m a former RM Musician who served 25 years. I saw when serving that you become instantly forgotten when you leave. It’s how the forces work; in a way, it is how the military deals with loss. Let that not be an excuse, though. Yes, I’ve not been roughy, toughy Bootneck.; however, we, the Band Service, have had our moments of horror. The Bandservice and the Corps have a great relationship both musically and operationally. I’m unsure if I ever came across Matt Holmes during my service. He is somewhat a ‘nozzle’ to my era and would have been an up-and-coming Troop Officer/Company Commander in my time. I can fully understand how this has happened, and add to the feelings I had at times during my time in the RM’s with the pressures of high office and responsibility; it’s an obvious minefield. When will the forces realise they must include MH advice in the resettlement process?
I was a Bootneck for 25yrs, make no mistake we love our Bandies. You may not be Commandos but you're the absolute best military band there is with incredibly high standards and no room for anything being at a 'that'll do' level ... so exactly the same as us but with less nakedness and stupidity!
I did 22 years in the Raf Regt and got demobbed in 2002, my attitude when leaving was don’t miss it because it ain’t coming back and you don’t have to stop living a military life style when in civvy st. I kept my hair short, shaved and did fitness 6 days a week also when going out I’d polish my boots and press my kit, the only difference between the service and out here is if you don’t work, you don’t get paid and don’t kid your self that you have the best mates ever in the service, there are as many bad people in as there are out here. I’m now 61, push weights 6 days a week, no longer use alcohol/tobacco and just get on with living a happy life
A then 23yr old Lieutenant Holmes took me through Commando Training Centre Royal Marines as my Recruit Troop officer. He was an odd fish, clearly good at his job but he couldn't build a rapport with all the rough arse council house lads like me (basically all of us!). I bumped into him a few times over my career and each time he was churlish about my then rank or my Specialist Qualification. The last time I saw him was at the Joint Service Command & Staff College when he was a full Colonel and I'd not long been Commissioned and he wasn't even complimentary about that! I get that he didn't like me (and I've absolutely no issue with that at all as I was a gobby punchy little fucker in training who caused him more than my share of dramas and only got through by the skin of my teeth) but I was 19 back then and was mid-thirties the last time i saw him and with an absolute wealth of experience and growth behind me in the intervening years. I was not at all surprised when he cashed his chips in; he was always wound up tight, especially about the lads behaviour (he was a god botherer who went to a Jesuit school and had a slightly puritanical streak). He also operated in a manner that made everyone around him tense, he was a very high performing individual and he really didn't tolerate mistakes. But, despite all that he was still a father, husband, brother, son and an ultra high performing Royal Marine (far brighter and better than I've ever been!) and the loss of anyone in such avoidable circumstances is tragic.
I appreciated reading about your experiences with Holmes. The truth is he probably resented your happiness and easy going manner. I have to wonder If he'd still be alive if it were the 1950's where wives made sure their husband's were happy and well fed.
@@paulajohnson139 - well his wife Lea is a partner in a legal practice so I suspect she was also a driven and high achieving individual. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course. But all pressure builds and eventually something needs to give!
46 bit of service, I won’t lie I think about it every day kids grown up , bills piling up world going nuts lost most during Covid , I go out for walks as much as I can try and just appreciate the really little things , so far every day I find a reason to carry on , biggest fight of my life but today for me is a good day so I’ll share , keep fighting guys , every one of you has more to offer than you know , don’t give up
Ex Major (Army). I was made redundant and went suicidal. I got the help I needed. Every aspect of this malady resonates as it is the way the individuals perception manifests, not necessarily the rank etc. A good exposition.
Great VLOG Tim struck a cord with me 22 yrs RN (FAA) & 20 yrs RNR Air Branch, 1 divorce down, now heading towards 66 birthday a few demons still in my head, but learnt to cope with them stay in the light keep away from those dark spaces in our heads its a spiral once you go there. Keep away from the drugs be it alcohol, pills prescribed or not and for Fook sake keep active, get a dog walk its legs off, Stand on a cliff top in the middle of winter and feel the wind the rain the cold and feel Alive BZ shippers
I left the NHS at 55 after a career, which peaked then fell apart in the last 2 yrs. I went from a figure of respect, to a nobody, my wife when I told her I was retiring, asked to separate. I had two teenage daughters at the time, luckily I maintained contact. It was inner strength and the friendship of a good mate who kept me going.
I subbed for the aviation, but I'm hooked on the mental health stuff. I recall seeing the results of a study which stated that the instances of those suffering from (what we now refer to as) PTSD were far lower for those that served in WW2 than is the case today and that the reason for this is - perhaps counter-intuitively - that THEN, there were no support 'systems/councillors etc and people affected were directed to jolly well, pull their metaphorical socks up and 'get on with it' ..... whatever 'it' was? I think more generally people expect way too much out of life these days, I used to be hugely disenchanted with my achievements (or lack thereof) however, as I've got older, I have found that the secret is to be TRULY grateful for what one HAS, rather than what MIGHT have been? I hope and trust that you are finding time to 'smell the roses' with your lady wife now that you aren't slipping the surly bonds of earth quite so much these days? There, I'm rambling a bit now ..... great video Tim, RIP Matt.
I believe a major underlining factor that most are too scared to admit is how servicemen's wives and girlfriends ultimately fail them when the mental shortcomings get tough and they leave them at the first opportunity their partner's stress/ ptsd hits.
The American army has the best outlook and more wisdom about this "if the military wanted you to have a wife and family, they would have issued you one". The military and family life are no way compatible. Alot of American sergeants tell young recruits not to get married and have children until you're winding down your career or have left the military. It's common sense. It's best to just have casual girlfriends until you leave the military. That's why the divorce rate is so high in the military especially in special forces. It doesn't work. This is why women leave because they can't hack it as it's too hard and military life is never compatible with family life when you have a military person never seeing their wife and kids and having to be away at a moments notice. It ain't rocket science.
Good Video my take on this is You can give your all to the MOD but you have to understand that your hand is in a bucket of water and all the time your hand is in the bucket it will make a differance ? once you take your hand out of the water the water just goes back to as if your hand has never been there in the first place some guys struggle with this I felt it myself so what i did when i was forced to leave green was concentrate on a Business I can control My advice is yes join the forces and take every thing you can and stay a short time dont become dependable on the MOD or you could end up in this mans position when you walk out that gate your on your own and past service counts for little guys
I just watched the Commandos first episode on Netflix where Matt was interviewed and had to come back to hear again what you had said about him. Again Tim you hit the nail on the head and although issues I have been through are not dissimilar including contemplating ending it I have been close to succeeding but some how always managed to turn things around. In the most part it took me years to get over leaving the Army and even to see my base being converted to a housing estate recently hit me a lot harder than I expected, it made me realise that life goes on and things change. I have always set goals and personal challenges such as completing my free fall para course, or getting my heli licence, and more recently I bought a kayak! There is always something good in life even if we feel we have lost it all. These days there are so many great people that can inspire us such as Nims Dai and yourself Tim. My rule now is today might be a shit day, even the whole week, but fix and focus on those goals, get.sokenwalk shoes or running shoes on and just get outside reset the brain. Life has a lot to offer and starting again can be the most exciting part of it.
Sorry I missed your comment but thank you for it - kayaking is a lot of fun to get out in nature, it seems to reset us being around al the animals and insects! People underestimate the effect leaving the military has on us - we need to undo a few things and lean into the other aspects of life we've missed out on - best of luck to you.
Hope you don't mind this dark blue job sailing in to this subject. After 5 years, I changed branches within the Navy to a department that is a little less of a front line one. Even though I was doing a LOT less watch keeping and got more time in my pit, I actually felt a loss as I was no longer part of the knowledge hub that one gets from working in a warship's Operations Room (it's from where you fight a ship from) and quite often didn't know what, as a ship, we were doing. As an engineer I was talking to a senior bod who had rejoined after leaving. He was a nuclear trained engineer on submarines and had left to become a house alarm installer. However, he could not reconcile the loss of responsibility and rejoined. When it came to leaving 8 further years on (redundancy in the mid 90's as part of the Options for Change malarky) I had already been on a shore base for over three years so it was more of an easy step into (arguably) the real world as a strawberry mivvy. And that is the nub of the situation. Being military people - stand fast the RAF Regiment ... ;-) you have roles that have little equivalence in civvy street with the amount of responsibility given to you at such a young age. I recall being in the Ops Room on watch on HMS Illustrious and we had some civvy guests on board. As they walked in I overheard one of the Scottish policemen say that it was like the Starship Enterprise. I sat at my console feeling 12' tall with pride. All of us have to accept that when we leave we have to accept (generally) that our lives will become a lot more mundane. And that is the head fcuk that has to be overcome before you leave. Apols for waffling on but felt that I had to get this off my chest.
Good watch. I'm late 40's, the way I manage in life these days is to have many things / hustles going on. I never invest my happiness in just one area. On rainy days I plan for the next sunny day. Future sunny days may not be the same as past ones however they can still be fulfilling and worth holding out for 🤜
It's not easy to imagine anybody in a very senior position having such emotional concerns, especially a tough marine type. But you've left us in no doubt Tim, everybody has an emotional breaking point. Makes yuh think!
Totally agree, have a plan B. Have intrrests and hobbies away from your career. Especially hobbies that can lead to another career or at least pay some bills.
I can’t recall where I heard it but it made total sense and that was men need a purpose to survive. He made his purpose to survive his career, and also to some extent a husband/father. The higher the branch, the further the fall and when you hit every branch on the way down it’s brutal. Been there, got the t shirt. If you can keep grounded the fall isn’t as fatal and you feel there’s always something to build from Stay grounded brothers
Stress is a big killer especially if there may be an underlying clinical reason, professional help is what people need in these circumstances but it’s difficult to get it quickly and often it’s too little too late. Very sad story.
Hi Tim My dad left the army after 26 years (LE Lt Col with RE) and struggled to adapt to civilian life. If it wasn't for our family and especially my mum efforts he probably wouldn't be alive. He still has his dark days but he now talks about it and will call if he wants/needs a chat. I genuinely don't know how my mum has stayed with him for so long 😂 P.S I served as a Combat Medic in the British Army, I served in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have moments where I feel useless and question life. My 5 year old son quickly brings me back into focus.
I' almost did following a serious accident My Girl Friend gave me the Biggest Telling off. She saved me , saved my life She been my Best Friend ever since
You have to understand that having your life turned upside down especially at that age and older is absolutely devastating. You're whole future life will change forever, which can be to much to for some to take. They sadly see no way out. It happened to my neighbour who hung himself with the flex from an iron, only 42. He was in action in the Kuwait war where he killed three people and his partner left him because of his PTSD.
Hi Tim, Very sad to know how this veteran ended his life. May he be at peace now. I am not a member of the armed forces but a fellow professional and know the stresses of working life and home life. I will make my point straight away. Despite the unpopularity in the post Christian modernist world having faith in what God can do rather than what you can achieve on your own merit should never be overlooked. I am 60 years old and my faith has saved me more than once from the stupid things we can chose to do. My comment is direct more at you and the themes you explore to help others. Just sharing this with you. Best wishes, Adam
Thank you Adam ... all people are searching for something; sadly many fail to understand what it is that they are looking for. Few discover the pearl of great price! Perhaps those that do should as you have, share it.
@@gbexpatcornishman3004 Thank you. I have become more ready to share the "Hope " that I have as I have advanced in age and see others whose suffering has become too much for them. Please don't misunderstand me when I say that we are all broken in one way or another and that is why the rescue mission has to come from outside our brokenness, and not from another well meaning, but equally broken, person; the help must come from the One who is not broken at all and can and will draw us out of pain, the pain is is unbearable and restore us. and I actually believe what I have just written and if sharing that can bring a person back from the abyss I will try to lead that person towards the One who will bring you back to the fullness of your life. Life is a gift, I am sure you will agree. Thank you for sharing! Best, Adam
As a veteran, I honestly think we’d be lying to ourselves if we said we can’t identify with this man. Of course we at least in some way identify with him. In the past 5 or so years I’ve had 21 friends from the service who killed themselves. The last was 8 days ago. To say it’s insanity seems an understatement. One thing that is apparently impossible for some to understand, is exactly what you mentioned - once a person decides that they’re done, the conflict has ended. They immediately change, and seem to look at ending their life as simply the next task in front of them. Their moods normalize. Their outward appearance seems lightened. And unless you REALLY know them extremely well, you’d have little to no idea it was coming. Throughout my time in the military we were constantly reminded of the importance of having your ‘battle buddy’ close, and the important a simple ‘buddy check’. Whether we’re veterans or not, everyone has troubles and limits. Don’t just say you’re a battle buddy. BE a battle buddy. Check in with your mates. Do not let yourself hear ‘Oh I’m good, bro.’ and be satisfied with that. There is always more to it than that. I’m genuinely tired of burying friends. And sadly, I feel as if we’re failing them.
20:00 truth bomb! Went self-employed 20 years ago. The concept of 'career' was an extravagant mis-selling in my opinion as I was institutionalised at a school which measured it's performance on who-went-to-which-university. I wasted 8 years in universities. Career this, career that. The realisation that I had just been a resource firstly for my school and it's local authority (and the people employed therein), the universities I attended, and then my employer in my brief stint as "employed", was the turning point. Why had I done all I had done? Was any of it for me? Nope, probably not. It was expected of me though. Nobody's coming to help you once they don't need you anymore. Now I value myself and my time much much more. I give (sport coaching) where what I take from it has great non-monetary value. If a client needs me, they expect to pay and I choose who I work for. Men! Value yourselves!
A very sad story but very relevant to all men in many different ways my suggestion is if you keep close to friends don’t forget your mates if you I have not from mate pick UP THE PHONE NOW !! Ring him now !! And to Daughters Wives Sisters Watch us for we are not as Tough and Resilient we often make out we are but unlike women we don’t talk about like how the sisterhood talks among themselves.
Well said Tim ! i nearly topped myself back in early 2017 after my life went to shit through no fault of my own. What kept me alive was a bloody good mate who could see i wasnt in a good place and the thought of what will tomorrow bring. Ive only a few close mates and id be there for them at the drop of a hat
I think you really got there towards the end of your talk. When you said (in so many words) don't let your sense of identity be wrapped up in a role or what you do. Men especially tend to define themselves by what they DO and what suffers there in such cases is the neglect of who and what they actually are. In ancient times Aristotle is credited with the injunction to "Know Thyself". Perhaps too many folks mistake the notion of their "self" with what they have done, haven't done, their dreams, successes and failures etc but none of those facets are what we truly are . Because of that the injunction can seem mysterious if it is grasped that what we are is not our body, mind, actions , dreams and even thoughts because ultimately we are BEINGS and it is precisely THAT which delineates a delicious mystery because no other human being can define what you are. After all it is an awesome fact that within YOU there exists an ultimate nexus where something apparently impossible has occurred ie the finite is "married" to the infinite and that is a fact or situation way beyond our limited brains can even begin to grasp or compute BUT it is possible to EXPERIENCE it. In my case I got introduced to that side of my nature when I was only 23 but really age has little to do with this - far more important is to receive adequate guidance on how to go inside and experience that reality of being for oneself. The prerequisite is a hunger or thirst to KNOW for yourself. If you don't have that hunger or thirst to the required degree it can be induced if you will it. If the will is there the means may follow because after all it is impossible to hunger or thirst after something that does not exist so that same hunger or thirst is the key to starting a process that can lead to your ultimate fulfillment. Edit: that was 50 years ago when I was enabled to have my "inner eye" opened - I am now 73 and still feel very much a student and a beginner ....
You tend to assume men like this are immune to this sort of thing and almost invincible. It always appears to come back round to us (men in particular) resisting getting help when we feel like we're coming apart at the seams. I don't know if the military are particularly proactive in anticipating psychological problems with senior officers. Is it "Thanks for your service and don't let the door handle hit you in the arse on your way out"?
Yes it probably is knowing the way veterans are treated by our government here in the UK. And that attitude must filter down into military thinking too by example.
Hi Tim. I think you should put your stuff non Runble, Bitchute, etc. as UA-cam might start to restrict your content, or even worse. You do great work and have some forthright opinions that the wokists at UA-cam will become triggered by.....Best wishes
In the old days, the mantra of the organisation change wallers (Probably repeated in their sleep) was never back the person you need to make a change into a corner. So, the conclusion is that there has been mismanagement. . . From above.
Been there. But with me I went to my wife for support. Who turned away and encouraged me to kill myself. I was very lucky with one mate in particular. He saved me. Was there for me. Can’t thank him enough.
Matt, if she did that that's tantamount to aiding and abetting a suicide. What a cow! Glad you didn't and had a REAL mate to stand by you and help you.
The most successful, and rewarded, officers in the UK armed forces are those who manage upwards. Exactly the opposite of what they are actually paid to do. Matt Holmes, evidently, wasn't in this category.
A fine video Tim and such a tragic story to tell. You are definitely right about having a plan B, as I had to come up with and initiate my own plan B when my marriage broke down - glad to say it worked, and I've been raising my kids and working away for a few years now. Sometimes it's too much and you take the loss with you though, but I'm always trying to do my best with keeping an eye out for the obstacles to come.
That was a hard watch Tim. Well done for getting through it. I'm 54 my heart goes out to him and his family. What people have to recognise is that suicide is another option, and your mind always comes back to it if no other option is available or seems achievable. It's a pity his Marine brethren couldn't intervene.
Mentally, it's called a circular loop. If you can't break it you snap. Surrendering to God will break it. Then it's not on you to fix.
I finished 12 years in the army, went to Uni, got a great second career and then I caught my wife of 23 years sleeping with my best mate and my world crashed. Went through 6 years of hell. Heavy drinking, sleeping around, multiple failed relationships, breakdown with my kids (not heard from them since 2015), put on loads of weight and generally became demotivated. Pretending the veterans where my mates, using social media as a crutch, until one day my daughter got married and Wasn’t invited. I sat at 7 am with 2 bottles of whiskey and a bottle of painkillers and thought you know what have I got left? 8 years on I am married, got a great wife, a lovely step daughter and all the love in the world a man could need from a family. I don’t live a fancy life, I lost all that in the dark days, but I learnt material things are not important. I stopped going to veterans events (they all live in the past), I scrapped social media and I stopped drinking. I cut out all the so called “mates” from my life as they all vanished during my dark days, no support so stuff them. I am a much happier person for it, there is always hope.
well done from a ex london fireman, been their,
@@daveberry2177 glad you’re still with us, that morning I looked at the bottles, and instead of opening them I rang a helpline, can’t remember who Samaritans I think, and spoke for 2 hours, I realised it was my life to make, so I started the slow turn, took me until 2019 (2015 was the daughters wedding), and travelled the world where I met my wife (Swedish) on a train from Denmark, and she got me over the final hurdles. It’s a mental battle, some win, some don’t, I’m glad I never drank the whiskey. Cheers Dave, hope your demons stay tucked under the fire blanket 👍
Veterans not being your mates. That tough to hear
@@joostvanderlee9569yeah I’ve learned this myself very recently. It feels weird. Particularly when sat in the house wearing mtp shorts and knowing where I probably should be
@@shecksthesheckler423mad respect brother
I left the Royal Navy after 39 years and 11 months service and a young Female Leading Hand signed an A5 certificate to thank me for my exemplary service, cut my ID card in half and asked me if there was anything else ! I walked out into civvy street. Luckily I have a very supportive wife and close family. It was hard. I missed putting my uniform on and just doing my job. I started a solo landscape gardening concern to keep busy and chilled out digging planting and concreting and meeting some lovely people. I am still alive and married at 76, been drawing my pension for 20 years, volunteering to keep occupied and have a big garden. Life is good, except for Starmer who boils my piss !
As I have gotten older I have experienced stuff which at the time seemed all-consuming. Leaving the service after 22 years, loss of a job (redundancy) loss of wife (divorce), loss of both parents, brother and other relatives and friends (unfortunately one to suicide). Some of it happened 30 years ago some more recently, not to trivialise any of it but what I have learned is that given time none of it matters “This too shall pass”
It always saddens me when someone takes their life because of something that is essentially temporary and in 10, 20 or 30 years time would have been a distant memory, gone but not forgotten.
RIP Major General Holmes
My mum used to say that time is a great healer. Thanks for the comment, it's an important one.
Great stuff! At 55, I went from a senior command position with a load of responsibility to nothing overnight. The phone stopped ringing with incident briefings as I was out of the loop. No more taking charge or being consulted. It hit hard until I focused on a routine; exercising daily, writing, and studying. Cut the alcohol, meditate and follow Jordan Peterson's advice - "Treat yourself like you would someone you're responsible for helping."
This talk needs to be delivered to every 40 plus person in the military...well done Tim!
I'm a Royal Navy veteran (non-commissioned) of 34 years and I must say, inter-Service banter aside and despite having never met you, you are one of the finest Officers I have come across. Thank-you for all you do Sir.
Same here, you know the good ones when you see em, and the bad ones stick out like a bashed finger also.
Well said. Very VERY few things can have a positive impact on a deployment quite as much as having a solid officer with you. Just as a ‘less than solid’ officer can derail a deployment… or cause things that are even worse.
Fair winds & following seas, brother.
I was in the RAF for 22 years. A mate of mine finished his time too. It’s like losing a family & the British military aren’t like the US where you still have an ID card & can use the base & have medical support. You walk out of the gate after 22 years & you can’t even turn & go back in if you forgot your jacket. It’s pretty crap. My mate also split up with his wife. He had 2 daughters. So he’s just lost 2 families. First thing we knew was when he’d killed himself. It was shocking to say the least.
After I left the RAF I was trying to go to Saudi with British aerospace. I’d wanted to do this from the early days of my aircraft engineering career in the RAF. It took me about 5 years before I got the job on tornado in Dhahran. My wife & I had separated briefly before I got the job but we decided to try again (bad decision in hindsight). I enjoyed the work & the guys in Saudi. It was similar to the military lifestyle, however the management were appalling & the company little better. After various issues I finally caught my wife being unfaithful & she went back to the UK. I tried to reconcile until I found she’d started seeing one of my best friends. At the same time I had just had surgery so was off work & it was at Christmas. So I was on my own at Christmas having just lost my wife to a friend with my arm immobilised post surgery & not able to go home. It was a pretty crap place to be. I was very low but I’ve alway just thought to myself “this time next year, next week, next month it will be different”. You never know what will happen. How right I was. My shoulder deteriorated until I finally had to have more surgery. It was also during covid so no travel & little socialising. To add to that after 3 years of bullying from my management (most ex forces themselves) I’d finally used the British aerospace procedure & reported the matter.
The company aren’t good. The HR department swept the matter under the rug. To add to that the management closes ranks (most were masons). They couldn’t get rid of me using company policy so they went to the Saudis & used my shoulder injury to get them to PNG me. All illegal & against all policies. They gave me 6 days to pack my entire life & return to the UK in the middle of lockdown. Obviously this wasn’t possibly & after 3 weeks they finally game me my 90 days I was contracted to do. So now I’m stuck in Saudi, lost my wife, friend, job, home & had no home in the UK to return to as I’d lived abroad for 18 years. During these times my management called me once. Not to see how I was & if I needed anything. But to ask why my medical pass has ran out.
Needles to say it was a pretty horrible time in my life and I had my friend in mind & what he’d done. But still I knew that regardless of what’s happening things will ALWAYS improve. And improve they did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living the perfect life at the moment. But I’m happy & content with a lovely woman & a fun life. Things need to improve still, I still have no home due to no credit rating & I’m only contracting at the moment until I find a permanent job but life’s good & the past issues have long been forgotten or at least not something to worry me. I actually tried to take BAe to court but I was told I couldn’t take them to court for bullying as I’m white, heterosexual, male & because they made us sign a contract over there I couldn’t get them for unlawful dismissal.
I still think of my friend & what it could’ve taken to pull him round.
That’s some life story brother. Yet you’ve soldiered on. I pray the rest of your life goes better mucker.
Ian
My father joined the RAF in 1939 as an airman and left as a Flt Lt DFC in 46. He did 69 trips over France and Germany from 40 until late 44 being shot down 3 times but each time managing to ditch and survive. He had a breakdown and could not physically move to his aircraft on his 70th mission in many other circumstances that could have been seen as LMF and that would be an instant dismissal from RAF aircrew duties loss of rank etc but he had volunteered for his 3rd tour so it was recognised he pushed himself until he broke. That aircraft and its crew did not come back. I am here because of that quirk of fate. He never talked about the war except something on TV which would trigger him to make a comment. You could not draw him out on this comment/statement he would close up immediately, real burst transmission. BUT over the years I did put some pieces of the jigsaw together. Ironically he stated that many guys who had LMF would join the Commandos to prove they were not cowards just could not fly any more. I joined the Royal Marines commandos. He and his fellow Bomber Command comrades were treated terribly after the war near to the SS by some. Yet during the war they were the big hero's and lost percentagewise more than another unit. He refused to have his own photo taken until late in life with grandchildren. This was because when they had squadron photos taken in a few weeks half could be gone and he saw a photo as a bad omen. He said there is only one person who is going to look after you and that is you he expected absolutely nothing from anyone. That simple mantra has stuck with me throughout my life. I am 66. I served in a foreign army after my RM service 24 plus 23. I have seen my fair share of suicides and drinking yourself into oblivion. I have learnt that the strongest men people who you could never conceive it kill themselves or take up the bottle. I last saw Matt Holmes here in Estonia when he was the 3 Commando Brigade Commander I first saw him in 42 as a young officer. The full circle. I was astounded when I heard of his suicide. BUT that has been my conclusion every time I have heard this bad news. What Him? Impossible. I look after myself I know life is gonna be the good and the bad but I feel mainly it is wonderful. My great escape is exercise which resets me everyday to a good platform. I refuse to look back. Fortunately I made a golden rule at 20. No drinking in the week no drinking if working tomorrow. No drinking during the day and only after 19.00hrs Fridays and Saturdays. In the seventies as a young marine i would get the occasional jibe for not going ashore, you a man or a mouse sketch I would reply yeh get get me some cheese wanker. They were great lads but be your own man.
Ha ha... Great comment.
The comments section in this channel is amazing, thanks for posting that, some real lessons in life.
PS I rewatched Gregory Peck in Twelve O'Clock High recently, I felt slightly dismissive of the scene where he freezes while trying to climb aboard for another bombing mission. Your father has corrected my lack of knowledge, and I thank him for that.
superb and wise comments... many thanks mate, also " No drinking in the week no drinking if working tomorrow. No drinking during the day and only after 19.00hrs Fridays and Saturdays.".... I followed the same rule and was given very similar advice by a colleague in government service a few decades ago... has also served me well!
Matt Holmes was my RM liaison officer when I was on exchange with the RNLMC , he was a good guy , no airs or Graces about him. He arrived at our hiring on a motor bike wearing a tin lid….in my view he was sidelined by the heirachy of the Royal Navy who had other ideas for the direction of the Corps. That said it was a shame that he didn’t have two Oppo’s that he could phone and confide in. The RM Officer Corps is quite sharp with each other and some have told me privately that brother officers aren’t as close as you’d believe. It’s dog eat dog at the top and the loneliness of command is relevant.
Finding this channel at 16 was very useful, Tim is one of the most genuine, thorough, and informative person on UA-cam right now. Tim has helped and continues to help other people through his content, all in which through his knowledge and experience. And we thank you for that Tim.
I hope in the future I can do the very same thing and help others to help get through there struggled and stride on to be the best versions of themselves as me with not a rough but certainly not easy start I have come so far in just 1 year I am completely unrecognisable, and Tim has helped me a lot as well.
Major General Holmes was a young officer when I was in 42, a top bloke. It's sad that it ended this way for him.
Keep up the good work Tim. .
Such a sad story. Hopelessness is a terrible mind set to be in. Props to you for the work you doing with men to show them how resilient they actually are. My faith got me through a lot of the dark times and the thumbnail "no one is coming to save you" rings true. Never give up, never surrender, even to yourself.
Tim I'm nearly 70 now and fortunately have never suffered in this way. You talk sense about this subject to my mind. It's tragic that this man was treated in this way. The First Sea Lord should have made this transition to the new structure at the end of this man's tour of duty, not 22 months into a three year stretch. That's called PLANNING not "oh that's a good idea. Let's do it tomorrow" he should be ashamed of himself. As hard as that was to watch I'd recommend to any guy in his mid 40's onwards to watch it and take note.
RIP Major General Holmes.
I remember reading this terrible news in the papers. Oh Lord. Tim thanks so much for your courageous manly no BS presentation. 5* my man. Many Thanks
Great chat, as always, Tim. Thanks for what you do. Your videos helped me in a similar situation some years back. You're a good dude.
That was hard. Alone, seeming no prospects; a bleak outlook. What a shame and a loss. So sad. I was with Fire & Rescue, injured in 2008, retired through injury. Suddenly couldn’t do all the things I used to. Thanks for bringing this up, Mike.
Sterling work speaking about this issue and your experiences, Tim. Remember to look after yourself!
At the end of life, no-one wishes they’d spent more time at work. No organisation, however storied and honourable, will ever value you as much as your family and friends do. Work to live, not live to work. And don’t take any of it too seriously.
100000000% this comment.
Thanks for the thought, Tim; unfortunately for some, including Matt, sometimes the friends and family turn away too! For others, they are the first to go.
I heard Jordan Peterson say once that absolutely no one in their lowest or last moments regretted not doing "just one more speeadsheet".
Thanks!
Thank you, Simon - very kind of you to support the channel.
Cheers Tim. No truer word spoken about relationships and a career - these can be taken away from us in a moment. Great content and RIP Major General Holmes. Take care.
I've faced my own "no way out" scenario. In my case, I got lucky. Can't explain it to this day but I looked down and read something that someone close to me had once said. That was a fraction of a second before bad stuff happened.
I couldn't do it to them then, and I still get dark thoughts, I don't think I'll ever be 100% free from it, the same wording saves me every time. It's my duty to make sure the person that said it to me is never burdened with the knowledge that they saved me, and continues to keep me going.
I was most certainly an island. I still stumble. But I have a reason to get back up each time.
My plan B is literally just "When you're walking through hell, keep on walkin'"
RIP MajGen Holmes.
My saying is similiar "work until work is done" - Keep pressing on man! Not to sound to preachy but Philippians 4:12-13 always strengthens me. Do with that what you will.
This video, along with the comments it has raised, is almost certainly the finest tribute that has been, or will ever be, paid to Major General Holmes.
Very thought provoking Tim, we all need to talk more openly about our issues . Hope you’re keeping well bud!
Thanks for this one Tim - really appreciate your perspective, a very sad end to Major General Holmes who was obviously a warrior in the true sense of the word. I hope we can all learn from this tragedy.
I was asked by a former Ireland rugby international recently about the challenges of leaving the army and how he thought it must be not dissimilar to ending a career as a professional sportsman. We didn't get the time to fully explore or unpack the issue, but I'd imagine there are a lot of lessons from this tragic event that can transfer or translate to other industries/arenas. 'Loss of status' is certainly one of them, as is the sense of belonging, the value system you subscribe to, the culture and routine etc, etc - all gone and replaced by uncertainty, change and less well defined 'stuff'. Hugely challenging and not an easy thing to prepare for.
Tim, really valuable video, discussing difficult issues really well. Not an easy task and you 100% smash it! Thanks for doing this and everything you do!!
As always Tim, thank you for the 'real' talk and help. You are still serving your country, and your fellow man generally, even though you are out of the RAF. Keep up the good work and keep yourself together.
All the very best.
I watched this man on a documentary which aired last year. I was so inspired by him and what he said I just had to Google him to find out more. It was then I learned that he took his own life, I was truly gutted for him and his family, what a great man and what a tragic end . RIP, sir.
Heard, Tim. Thanks for your take. A lot of us have been there, which is truly a shame.
Thanks Tim. Your points of view are always illuminating.
Heartbreaking to listen too, and to think he had no other option in his head but to take his life. Keep up your great work Tim.
Ex Army. 20 years. You got me going. Much Love Tim.
Powerful stuff, Tim. Food for thought. Thanks a lot. Keith
Profound words again......RIP Matt thank you for your service.....
Well done Tim. Tough subject but sadly more prevalent than most folks think. Keep up with the good work.
I served with the RN as a grunt for 9yrs and on leaving I had this nieve idea that the country would be grateful for my efforts but no. You very quickly realise that in civvy Street you are a number. No understanding of what it takes and what you give. Some say we shouldn't expect special treatment and honesty they are right but a fair crack is all we ask. Many of us find the end of military career difficult and the adjustment into civilian life troublesome. The can do attitude is missing and the " that's not my job mate" really grates. When I left in the 80s there was no rehab from the military at that time. The only people you can trust are those who have got some in. Tragic when one of our number can only see death as a way out.
Straight to the point Tim and I can relate to every word you have said ,thanks for sharing .
Regards
Dave from Scotland
Dave
It's the compounding of a number of events simultaneously that gets people, especially if your identity is fused to those things.
This is spot on, well put
Hi, I’ve been watching your videos/commentary for months, avidly absorbing your views on many issues….My dream was to be a pilot, but a severe motorcycle accident stopped me in my tracks..! At 17 years old I was taught a lesson that I can never forget. After suffering horrendous injuries that required 15 operations to repair life threatening injuries over a period of 10 years, I understand trauma, PTSD, bipolar & myriad depressive illnesses which can inherently lead to paranoid personality disorder, etc, etc.. This tragic story has gripped my soul, but there is a positive outcome. You’re stirring souls to think about & reveal the tragedy of their lives & therefore guide & encourage them towards reaching out for essential help. I was trained as a precision engineer, but finally realised, I was part of the very thing we have come to despise..!!! As we descend from a tragic mountain of discontent, we start to understand there are higher more stable mountains to ascend… We must keep climbing, for If we don’t progress, we decay..😇
Tim, you are an absolute legend. I know you have your own problems but you never tire of trying to help others. Same as my outlook on life. Mega respect from an ex RAF veteran 👍👍👍
well said.
Why aren’t you an RAF veteran any more?
@@johnnunn8688 my mistake.RAF veteran
@@gordon7470, as am I, good innit?
Tough vlog to listen to but so much hard hitting truth. About to leave a high profile job to do something more mundane so your takeaways are really useful.
RIP Matt. Thanks for sharing your views on this tragedy Tim.
An inspiring truthful talk with no BS detected anywhere.
Thank you brother for all you do!
There should be far more support for these men when they leave. Not a hand out, an acknowledgement. They could be invited into hiking trips, tours of London or other cities. museum tours. There should be at least a dozen events for these men to have access, to attend. Im beginning to think the pomp and ceremony that turns out for the Royals is a shallow hollow front.
Hi Tim, I’ve just found this and recognise everything you say. I’m a former RM Musician who served 25 years. I saw when serving that you become instantly forgotten when you leave. It’s how the forces work; in a way, it is how the military deals with loss. Let that not be an excuse, though.
Yes, I’ve not been roughy, toughy Bootneck.; however, we, the Band Service, have had our moments of horror. The Bandservice and the Corps have a great relationship both musically and operationally. I’m unsure if I ever came across Matt Holmes during my service. He is somewhat a ‘nozzle’ to my era and would have been an up-and-coming Troop Officer/Company Commander in my time. I can fully understand how this has happened, and add to the feelings I had at times during my time in the RM’s with the pressures of high office and responsibility; it’s an obvious minefield. When will the forces realise they must include MH advice in the resettlement process?
I was a Bootneck for 25yrs, make no mistake we love our Bandies.
You may not be Commandos but you're the absolute best military band there is with incredibly high standards and no room for anything being at a 'that'll do' level ... so exactly the same as us but with less nakedness and stupidity!
@@JammyDodger45 Cheers Royal! That fantastic
I did 22 years in the Raf Regt and got demobbed in 2002, my attitude when leaving was don’t miss it because it ain’t coming back and you don’t have to stop living a military life style when in civvy st. I kept my hair short, shaved and did fitness 6 days a week also when going out I’d polish my boots and press my kit, the only difference between the service and out here is if you don’t work, you don’t get paid and don’t kid your self that you have the best mates ever in the service, there are as many bad people in as there are out here. I’m now 61, push weights 6 days a week, no longer use alcohol/tobacco and just get on with living a happy life
Thank you, Tracey - good motivation and much appreciated.
I knew a Tracey in the RAF Regt, a II Sqn SNCO, mad as fuck but a top guy. He had some very distinctive tattoos for a man of his heritage 😉
Very good indeed Tim. Thanks for this Video.
A then 23yr old Lieutenant Holmes took me through Commando Training Centre Royal Marines as my Recruit Troop officer.
He was an odd fish, clearly good at his job but he couldn't build a rapport with all the rough arse council house lads like me (basically all of us!).
I bumped into him a few times over my career and each time he was churlish about my then rank or my Specialist Qualification.
The last time I saw him was at the Joint Service Command & Staff College when he was a full Colonel and I'd not long been Commissioned and he wasn't even complimentary about that!
I get that he didn't like me (and I've absolutely no issue with that at all as I was a gobby punchy little fucker in training who caused him more than my share of dramas and only got through by the skin of my teeth) but I was 19 back then and was mid-thirties the last time i saw him and with an absolute wealth of experience and growth behind me in the intervening years.
I was not at all surprised when he cashed his chips in; he was always wound up tight, especially about the lads behaviour (he was a god botherer who went to a Jesuit school and had a slightly puritanical streak). He also operated in a manner that made everyone around him tense, he was a very high performing individual and he really didn't tolerate mistakes.
But, despite all that he was still a father, husband, brother, son and an ultra high performing Royal Marine (far brighter and better than I've ever been!) and the loss of anyone in such avoidable circumstances is tragic.
Thank you for this summary, very valuable and poignant at the same time.
I appreciated reading about your experiences with Holmes. The truth is he probably resented your happiness and easy going manner. I have to wonder If he'd still be alive if it were the 1950's where wives made sure their husband's were happy and well fed.
@@paulajohnson139 - well his wife Lea is a partner in a legal practice so I suspect she was also a driven and high achieving individual.
Not that there is anything wrong with that of course.
But all pressure builds and eventually something needs to give!
Very thoughtful and thought provoking. RIP Major General Holmes
46 bit of service, I won’t lie I think about it every day kids grown up , bills piling up world going nuts lost most during Covid , I go out for walks as much as I can try and just appreciate the really little things , so far every day I find a reason to carry on , biggest fight of my life but today for me is a good day so I’ll share , keep fighting guys , every one of you has more to offer than you know , don’t give up
Ex Major (Army). I was made redundant and went suicidal. I got the help I needed. Every aspect of this malady resonates as it is the way the individuals perception manifests, not necessarily the rank etc. A good exposition.
Great VLOG Tim struck a cord with me 22 yrs RN (FAA) & 20 yrs RNR Air Branch, 1 divorce down, now heading towards 66 birthday a few demons still in my head, but learnt to cope with them stay in the light keep away from those dark spaces in our heads its a spiral once you go there. Keep away from the drugs be it alcohol, pills prescribed or not and for Fook sake keep active, get a dog walk its legs off, Stand on a cliff top in the middle of winter and feel the wind the rain the cold and feel Alive BZ shippers
Possible to read the essay regarding your father? Love that quote about "life is what happens to you on a rainy Tuesday afternoon"
Here you go :)
www.fastjetperformance.com/blog/life-is-what-happens-to-you-while-youre-busy-making-other-plans-death-on-the-roads
@@FastJetPerformance cheers
this kind of video is really important, for all ages of blokes tbf
I left the NHS at 55 after a career, which peaked then fell apart in the last 2 yrs.
I went from a figure of respect, to a nobody, my wife when I told her I was retiring, asked to separate.
I had two teenage daughters at the time, luckily I maintained contact.
It was inner strength and the friendship of a good mate who kept me going.
I subbed for the aviation, but I'm hooked on the mental health stuff. I recall seeing the results of a study which stated that the instances of those suffering from (what we now refer to as) PTSD were far lower for those that served in WW2 than is the case today and that the reason for this is - perhaps counter-intuitively - that THEN, there were no support 'systems/councillors etc and people affected were directed to jolly well, pull their metaphorical socks up and 'get on with it' ..... whatever 'it' was? I think more generally people expect way too much out of life these days, I used to be hugely disenchanted with my achievements (or lack thereof) however, as I've got older, I have found that the secret is to be TRULY grateful for what one HAS, rather than what MIGHT have been? I hope and trust that you are finding time to 'smell the roses' with your lady wife now that you aren't slipping the surly bonds of earth quite so much these days? There, I'm rambling a bit now ..... great video Tim, RIP Matt.
You help more people than you realise.
Well done Tim, great words as always
I believe a major underlining factor that most are too scared to admit is how servicemen's wives and girlfriends ultimately fail them when the mental shortcomings get tough and they leave them at the first opportunity their partner's stress/ ptsd hits.
The American army has the best outlook and more wisdom about this "if the military wanted you to have a wife and family, they would have issued you one". The military and family life are no way compatible. Alot of American sergeants tell young recruits not to get married and have children until you're winding down your career or have left the military. It's common sense. It's best to just have casual girlfriends until you leave the military. That's why the divorce rate is so high in the military especially in special forces. It doesn't work. This is why women leave because they can't hack it as it's too hard and military life is never compatible with family life when you have a military person never seeing their wife and kids and having to be away at a moments notice. It ain't rocket science.
@@lepolhart3242 Just be incel when you have an above average military career position bro
Thanks for the talk. Great advice on the list.
Good Video my take on this is You can give your all to the MOD but you have to understand that your hand is in a bucket of water and all the time your hand is in the bucket it will make a differance ? once you take your hand out of the water the water just goes back to as if your hand has never been there in the first place some guys struggle with this I felt it myself so what i did when i was forced to leave green was concentrate on a Business I can control My advice is yes join the forces and take every thing you can and stay a short time dont become dependable on the MOD or you could end up in this mans position when you walk out that gate your on your own and past service counts for little guys
I just watched the Commandos first episode on Netflix where Matt was interviewed and had to come back to hear again what you had said about him. Again Tim you hit the nail on the head and although issues I have been through are not dissimilar including contemplating ending it I have been close to succeeding but some how always managed to turn things around. In the most part it took me years to get over leaving the Army and even to see my base being converted to a housing estate recently hit me a lot harder than I expected, it made me realise that life goes on and things change. I have always set goals and personal challenges such as completing my free fall para course, or getting my heli licence, and more recently I bought a kayak! There is always something good in life even if we feel we have lost it all. These days there are so many great people that can inspire us such as Nims Dai and yourself Tim. My rule now is today might be a shit day, even the whole week, but fix and focus on those goals, get.sokenwalk shoes or running shoes on and just get outside reset the brain. Life has a lot to offer and starting again can be the most exciting part of it.
Sorry I missed your comment but thank you for it - kayaking is a lot of fun to get out in nature, it seems to reset us being around al the animals and insects! People underestimate the effect leaving the military has on us - we need to undo a few things and lean into the other aspects of life we've missed out on - best of luck to you.
Hope you don't mind this dark blue job sailing in to this subject.
After 5 years, I changed branches within the Navy to a department that is a little less of a front line one. Even though I was doing a LOT less watch keeping and got more time in my pit, I actually felt a loss as I was no longer part of the knowledge hub that one gets from working in a warship's Operations Room (it's from where you fight a ship from) and quite often didn't know what, as a ship, we were doing.
As an engineer I was talking to a senior bod who had rejoined after leaving. He was a nuclear trained engineer on submarines and had left to become a house alarm installer. However, he could not reconcile the loss of responsibility and rejoined.
When it came to leaving 8 further years on (redundancy in the mid 90's as part of the Options for Change malarky) I had already been on a shore base for over three years so it was more of an easy step into (arguably) the real world as a strawberry mivvy.
And that is the nub of the situation. Being military people - stand fast the RAF Regiment ... ;-) you have roles that have little equivalence in civvy street with the amount of responsibility given to you at such a young age. I recall being in the Ops Room on watch on HMS Illustrious and we had some civvy guests on board. As they walked in I overheard one of the Scottish policemen say that it was like the Starship Enterprise. I sat at my console feeling 12' tall with pride.
All of us have to accept that when we leave we have to accept (generally) that our lives will become a lot more mundane. And that is the head fcuk that has to be overcome before you leave.
Apols for waffling on but felt that I had to get this off my chest.
Thank you for the comment, I totally agree and I think a lot of veteran issues are because of this loss of responsibility and purpose.
Good watch. I'm late 40's, the way I manage in life these days is to have many things / hustles going on. I never invest my happiness in just one area. On rainy days I plan for the next sunny day. Future sunny days may not be the same as past ones however they can still be fulfilling and worth holding out for 🤜
Top advice Tim. Nice one.
Sad stuff - as you have mentioned it’s hard to reach the 50s - must keep busy - change scene - be active
Jesus, that's a hard one! Nietzsche said "he who has a why can bare any how" it's truly sad when a man loses his reason d'etre.
Great video Tim.
Im 53 you have to decide at a point that life is more then your job.
It's not easy to imagine anybody in a very senior position having such emotional concerns, especially a tough marine type.
But you've left us in no doubt Tim, everybody has an emotional breaking point. Makes yuh think!
The toughest best guys are always emotional underneath.
Good job, Tim. Thanks
Totally agree, have a plan B. Have intrrests and hobbies away from your career. Especially hobbies that can lead to another career or at least pay some bills.
You are doing a great job. Thank you.
I can’t recall where I heard it but it made total sense and that was men need a purpose to survive. He made his purpose to survive his career, and also to some extent a husband/father.
The higher the branch, the further the fall and when you hit every branch on the way down it’s brutal. Been there, got the t shirt. If you can keep grounded the fall isn’t as fatal and you feel there’s always something to build from
Stay grounded brothers
Stress is a big killer especially if there may be an underlying clinical reason, professional help is what people need in these circumstances but it’s difficult to get it quickly and often it’s too little too late. Very sad story.
Thanks Tim 🙌
Good work Tim. Thank you.
Hi Tim
My dad left the army after 26 years (LE Lt Col with RE) and struggled to adapt to civilian life. If it wasn't for our family and especially my mum efforts he probably wouldn't be alive.
He still has his dark days but he now talks about it and will call if he wants/needs a chat.
I genuinely don't know how my mum has stayed with him for so long 😂
P.S I served as a Combat Medic in the British Army, I served in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have moments where I feel useless and question life. My 5 year old son quickly brings me back into focus.
I' almost did following a serious accident
My Girl Friend gave me the Biggest Telling off.
She saved me , saved my life
She been my Best Friend ever since
Listen to her, Ralph - that woman is an absolute treasure, mate - send her my sincere love and thanks for protecting you in your darkest hour.
Brutally honest and straight to the fucking point, powerful stuff as always, well done Tim.
You have to understand that having your life turned upside down especially at that age and older is absolutely devastating. You're whole future life will change forever, which can be to much to for some to take. They sadly see no way out.
It happened to my neighbour who hung himself with the flex from an iron, only 42.
He was in action in the Kuwait war where he killed three people and his partner left him because of his PTSD.
Sorry to hear that John, totally agree with what you say.
Hi Tim,
Very sad to know how this veteran ended his life. May he be at peace now.
I am not a member of the armed forces but a fellow professional and know the stresses of working life and home life. I will make my point straight away. Despite the unpopularity in the post Christian modernist world having faith in what God can do rather than what you can achieve on your own merit should never be overlooked. I am 60 years old and my faith has saved me more than once from the stupid things we can chose to do. My comment is direct more at you and the themes you explore to help others. Just sharing this with you.
Best wishes,
Adam
Thank you Adam ... all people are searching for something; sadly many fail to understand what it is that they are looking for. Few discover the pearl of great price! Perhaps those that do should as you have, share it.
@@gbexpatcornishman3004 Thank you. I have become more ready to share the "Hope " that I have as I have advanced in age and see others whose suffering has become too much for them. Please don't misunderstand me when I say that we are all broken in one way or another and that is why the rescue mission has to come from outside our brokenness, and not from another well meaning, but equally broken, person; the help must come from the One who is not broken at all and can and will draw us out of pain, the pain is is unbearable and restore us. and I actually believe what I have just written and if sharing that can bring a person back from the abyss I will try to lead that person towards the One who will bring you back to the fullness of your life. Life is a gift, I am sure you will agree. Thank you for sharing! Best,
Adam
As a veteran, I honestly think we’d be lying to ourselves if we said we can’t identify with this man. Of course we at least in some way identify with him. In the past 5 or so years I’ve had 21 friends from the service who killed themselves. The last was 8 days ago. To say it’s insanity seems an understatement.
One thing that is apparently impossible for some to understand, is exactly what you mentioned - once a person decides that they’re done, the conflict has ended. They immediately change, and seem to look at ending their life as simply the next task in front of them. Their moods normalize. Their outward appearance seems lightened. And unless you REALLY know them extremely well, you’d have little to no idea it was coming.
Throughout my time in the military we were constantly reminded of the importance of having your ‘battle buddy’ close, and the important a simple ‘buddy check’. Whether we’re veterans or not, everyone has troubles and limits. Don’t just say you’re a battle buddy. BE a battle buddy. Check in with your mates. Do not let yourself hear ‘Oh I’m good, bro.’ and be satisfied with that. There is always more to it than that.
I’m genuinely tired of burying friends. And sadly, I feel as if we’re failing them.
20:00 truth bomb! Went self-employed 20 years ago. The concept of 'career' was an extravagant mis-selling in my opinion as I was institutionalised at a school which measured it's performance on who-went-to-which-university. I wasted 8 years in universities. Career this, career that. The realisation that I had just been a resource firstly for my school and it's local authority (and the people employed therein), the universities I attended, and then my employer in my brief stint as "employed", was the turning point. Why had I done all I had done? Was any of it for me? Nope, probably not. It was expected of me though. Nobody's coming to help you once they don't need you anymore. Now I value myself and my time much much more. I give (sport coaching) where what I take from it has great non-monetary value. If a client needs me, they expect to pay and I choose who I work for. Men! Value yourselves!
A very sad story but very relevant to all men in many different ways my suggestion is if you keep close to friends don’t forget your mates if you I have not from mate pick UP THE PHONE NOW !! Ring him now !!
And to Daughters Wives Sisters Watch us for we are not as Tough and Resilient we often make out we are but unlike women we don’t talk about like how the sisterhood talks among themselves.
A man puts his heart, soul and dedication to his country and wife for his entire adult life...and both turn their back and abandoned him.
Excellent Video. Easy to get close to that pericpice, sometimes no way back.
You’re a good man, Tim. You take care of yourself mate.
Well said Tim ! i nearly topped myself back in early 2017 after my life went to shit through no fault of my own. What kept me alive was a bloody good mate who could see i wasnt in a good place and the thought of what will tomorrow bring. Ive only a few close mates and id be there for them at the drop of a hat
I think you really got there towards the end of your talk. When you said (in so many words) don't let your sense of identity be wrapped up in a role or what you do. Men especially tend to define themselves by what they DO and what suffers there in such cases is the neglect of who and what they actually are. In ancient times Aristotle is credited with the injunction to "Know Thyself". Perhaps too many folks mistake the notion of their "self" with what they have done, haven't done, their dreams, successes and failures etc but none of those facets are what we truly are . Because of that the injunction can seem mysterious if it is grasped that what we are is not our body, mind, actions , dreams and even thoughts because ultimately we are BEINGS and it is precisely THAT which delineates a delicious mystery because no other human being can define what you are. After all it is an awesome fact that within YOU there exists an ultimate nexus where something apparently impossible has occurred ie the finite is "married" to the infinite and that is a fact or situation way beyond our limited brains can even begin to grasp or compute BUT it is possible to EXPERIENCE it. In my case I got introduced to that side of my nature when I was only 23 but really age has little to do with this - far more important is to receive adequate guidance on how to go inside and experience that reality of being for oneself. The prerequisite is a hunger or thirst to KNOW for yourself. If you don't have that hunger or thirst to the required degree it can be induced if you will it. If the will is there the means may follow because after all it is impossible to hunger or thirst after something that does not exist so that same hunger or thirst is the key to starting a process that can lead to your ultimate fulfillment.
Edit: that was 50 years ago when I was enabled to have my "inner eye" opened - I am now 73 and still feel very much a student and a beginner ....
You tend to assume men like this are immune to this sort of thing and almost invincible.
It always appears to come back round to us (men in particular) resisting getting help when we feel like we're coming apart at the seams. I don't know if the military are particularly proactive in anticipating psychological problems with senior officers. Is it "Thanks for your service and don't let the door handle hit you in the arse on your way out"?
Yes it probably is knowing the way veterans are treated by our government here in the UK. And that attitude must filter down into military thinking too by example.
Hi Tim. I think you should put your stuff non Runble, Bitchute, etc. as UA-cam might start to restrict your content, or even worse. You do great work and have some forthright opinions that the wokists at UA-cam will become triggered by.....Best wishes
In the old days, the mantra of the organisation change wallers (Probably repeated in their sleep) was never back the person you need to make a change into a corner. So, the conclusion is that there has been mismanagement. . . From above.
I totally agree with you. The first sea Lord need his arse kicking!
Been there. But with me I went to my wife for support. Who turned away and encouraged me to kill myself. I was very lucky with one mate in particular. He saved me. Was there for me. Can’t thank him enough.
Matt, if she did that that's tantamount to aiding and abetting a suicide. What a cow! Glad you didn't and had a REAL mate to stand by you and help you.
The most successful, and rewarded, officers in the UK armed forces are those who manage upwards. Exactly the opposite of what they are actually paid to do. Matt Holmes, evidently, wasn't in this category.
We have to sort these mental health issues. Was at a funeral recently, RAF Regt Sgt committed suicide..awful
RIP that poor man
A fine video Tim and such a tragic story to tell. You are definitely right about having a plan B, as I had to come up with and initiate my own plan B when my marriage broke down - glad to say it worked, and I've been raising my kids and working away for a few years now. Sometimes it's too much and you take the loss with you though, but I'm always trying to do my best with keeping an eye out for the obstacles to come.
Well said 👍