What about people intentionally harassing you and irking you? Do libelous acts with emotional, physical and physiological damaged too- Intentionally trying to get reactions from you by provoking you with their sick little mind games? Then after, play the victim? How about that? How about people conniving about all the crap they did because of their envy, motives and insecurities? Thats just gonna sum up my experience. Then when i get to the point of rage, I’m bad?
I supress a LOT, despite what my brother has to say. While I was very ill, I was more of the constantly angry type of person, but outside of those 5 -8 years, I am extremely patient and usually vent through journaling or some vague tweet and mostly feel better after that.
I try to find a way to express the point of my anger: in words, intelectually! whenever I can not follow the other person's thinking, motives -hoping they would give me an explanation-making it all ok, or realize and excuse where their motives were off. Never works! They have absolutely NO IDEA, NOT a CLUE what I am talking about. They do NOT SEE any problem. Plus they believe it is obvious, clear plus they have nothing against me, so there is not a problem. But if I talk for too long or too insistently- they will get iritated with me!
INFJ anger is like the judgement day. We know we'll never be happy if we rage, but till this moment raging is our only way out of the mess that we're in. The unique thing about the INFJ anger is that we never use it as ego boost like most people will do. Most people will overaccept their anger, we are different because of the Fe. We will accept it, but as something we should never do and we must be sorry for what we've done as soon as possible. I myself have been through the cicle of outraging and then deeply guilttriping my self which led to totally dening my anger and that led to a serial outrages because the problems ware still unsolved. As painfull as it is it's better to doorslam tha person that you are angry on then to harming your self by unaccepting your anger because you don't want to doorslam that person. When something is over is over, period. Good or bad the truth never matters if you accept it or not, it will realize itself no matter what so it's much better to accept the truth then to live in a delusion. You got to keep your eyes and mind constantley open for the things your emotions telling you, especially the most intense ones.
My favorite is when people around you are cruel and aggressive. The moment you decide to dish out what you have been dealt you hear a lot of "whoa whoa whoa! Why so violent? Dude calm down!" 😒
My husband just saw this side of me... After six years, he was unfaithful, he told me, I can't believe you did that. Cried and told me he didn't even think I was capable of it. Six years of trying me and I finally had enough, INFJ doesn't want to be like that. You feel bad about how cold you can be. You only do this, when you absolutely have too. Glad you touched on this. I needed to go over this, due to my current situation.
I know we INFJs do get angry, and It's been my experience that the people who are most freaked out are those who can dish it out but can't take it. When I was new on a former job, I had a colleague who constantly bossed and criticized me. I finally "snapped" and let her have it verbally - letting her know that I was tired of being treated like a six-year-old. She freaked out and then threatened to go to our supervisor. I then said, "Don't bother. I'll go there myself!" And yes, I felt miserable through the whole thing, but it was the beginning of setting some limits. I especially appreciated when you said: "Stop waiting for other people to see your value." "Integrate this anger as part of your identity." "Show them that you will not accept this behavior." It's basically preparing ahead, being cautiously optimistic that things will go well but realistically prepared for when they don't. I wish I'd had this kind of counsel back then. But ... it's it's never too late to learn. 🙂
And infj always knows exactly where the soft spot is to get through the armor and get that knife straight into the heart of a disrespectful egomaniac narcissist. Just make sure you plan ahead before you stab them, as you can take a play from their own playbook and put their overreaction on display so they look like the crazy one. The older and infj gets the more they learn these toxic games and how to turn them around on the offender.
I can certainly relate to your story I had to quit a job at a chicken farm about a year ago to keep from beating the living hell out of this woman that was criticizing me and boss me around treat me like one of her grandkids so for my well-being I quit cuz I feel like I was fixing to jump on it and I didn't want her to get mad and call the law and I don't want to have to beat her husband up so I just quit I bailed out but yeah I certainly can agree with what you're saying and I can relate to it thank you for your post
+1 exactly. We do learn all through our live...everyday new...and can improve things & situations. We can't change the past, neither others, but we can learn & fix ourselves, and change the future for the greater good.
I isolate myself when I feel rage , injustice & unjust is my trigger . I isolate and have a good word with myself and start again in a different viewpoint
@@KingDomsKingdom85 And the INFJ is always being downplayed, undermined, under appreciated by "ordinary" people. We do see the others, their agenda, their fake world - what they try to archive...but for the most part, we do stay calm, have our peace, and don't care about...it's only for years, when we've been played, used & abused...or being down played all the time...especially when narcissists or selfish, superficial, narrow minded people step onto our nerves for too long...rage could occur...and especially *injustice*, or passive aggressive behaviour - is something that really piss me off....all the time - how people behave, or would tread you...but when it's enough - they would being called, and that gets ugly, i'd tell them, what creeps they are, for real !
In Jung's "Psychological Types" he says that the Extrovert's pro-social shadow is the Tyrant and the Introvert's internal mastery shadow is the explosive eruption of uncontrolled rage.
This is 100% right. I don't enjoy arguing or raising my voice and I can suppress my feelings for so long and then I'll blow. It's especially hard when you're in a toxic relationship because when you finally blow up the person who instigated it will point the finger at you. Then I'm filled with guilt which is exactly what they wanted.
Well people know how to treat each other so if they choose to treat someone badly then what is there to say. I have a wicked temper, the potential for rage that goes beyond what I know is acceptable. I’m the only one who knows it’s there though so if I even feel at all like someone is provoking that side of me then I know it’s time to door slam. There’s nothing to say to a person who tries to hurt you emotionally so I don’t feel the need to speak up or express myself or my voice because if it’s gotten to that point then it’s already too late for the relationship to ever be anything more than toxic.
I wish I had a stage where I would blow up. I go from being completely bullied and ignoring it and ignoring it and ignoring it and then I start to mirror the person. I don’t bully them, or talk to them in a condescending way like they do to me, but in my own passive aggressive form of communication if they don’t text me back for six hours I don’t return their text for six hours and if they don’t call me back for three days, I don’t call them back for three days. I mirror them exactly and they always come back with the “what’s wrong with you, are you OK“ It’s as if they just think we are on this planet to say “how high?” when they say jump! I just can’t play those games anymore and now the very second that I can feel it I door slam. I am just gone. They get nothing from me any longer. There’s no point in a conversation because people know how to treat other people. We all know the basic foundation of reciprocity. Just be kind and communicate and respond and when somebody starts playing the stupid ignore, gaslight, projection games they play I just feel like why even bother. If the planet had no narcissists on it, it would be an incredibly beautiful place. It’s still a beautiful place but it’s like playing dodgeball every day.
To me, it shows our hearts are pure. I think it's often due to us not understanding how a significant other could behave in such a way towards us, we take things personal due to our absolute loyalty and need for deep connections with people we allow into our lives.
I have implemented what I call "soft checkpoints" - the first one is very soft warning; the second is direct identification of what is or not acceptable but still soft. If they still continue after that, final checkpoint is where the nice INFJ goes away, makes a firm hard no statement, and invitation to fuck around and find out. Anything after that they deserve.
One of the most mind blowing things I ever heard about anger was from Mike Tyson. The interviewer asked what he did to mentally prepare before entering the ring for a fight. He said that he *cried*. When asked why, he said that his mental zone/persona of the fighter can only hurt and destroy; and that gave him great sadness knowing how bad he is going to hurt someone. Then went and did so. "Nobody likes that guy"
@@gbooby yooooo THATS crazy......the juxtaposition off it all....never knew that. the more we peel back the life and mind of tyson, the more he shows how profoundly empathetic, introspective, and wise he is
Hey nice strategy....I wanna try this out as well? Could you please give me an example of what sentence(s) to use as a soft warning, and also for direct identification? Anger clouds my thinking in the moment of an explosive outburst....thanks!
@@dragonskinavi soft warning can look like "that wasn't necessary" or "please don't do that" then roll into "I specifically told you that was not necessarily, there are better ways to do that which are respectful " or "I specifically asked you to stop that; what you are doing is unacceptable" to the final "your continued disrespect will now be addressed. There is nothing else being discussed or action taken until you correct yourself. Anything further by you after telling you what is not acceptable will now be taken as disrespect and treated as such. Think very carefully about your next words or actions"
I'm generally terrified to allow my anger or rage out because I'm not sure what I would do because my concept of society is not exactly grounded so sometimes I feel that I may do anything in this state of Rage.
Anger is a strange topic for me. I definitely feel it, but I've gotten unbelievably good at keeping it under control that I've had people question if 'anything gets to me at all'. Yes, it can get to me, and if you're being spiteful without cause it definitely will, but I'd far rather vent in private than build needless hostility
Rabbachino I've had similar experience with people. Many have told me "oh, you don't have a temper". But I know better, in fact had a major problem in my early teens. I had to give it to GOD. My rages we're not proportional to the situations I had to recognize that and ask Jesus for help... And to my surprise it allowed to get control of my anger. To the point most don't believe I get 😡
In my previous job my boss was ungrateful, a perfectionist to a very high degree (which is not needed for the job), and didn't see me. She was constantly telling me bad things and I kept thinking that if I try harder me and she will be OK. Eventually I lost faith in me doing the job as she wishes, and I thought that it's bad for the company if I stay there. I told her I want to quit. Suddenly she didn't think that I was that bad. But then I told her everything on my mind. My responses to her "but" were so sharp she just accepted me quitting.
I can list every single person who has experienced my rage. 2 x former work colleagues who tried bullying me, the head of HR and her 2nd in command (at head office via email) who covered it up. They experienced my brutal rage for a year. The head of HR, 300 miles away, called the police for a welfare check. The officer listened to me bare my soul, and what the company put me through, for half an hour and asked me if I wanted to make a complaint... I did. 6 months after resigning i recently found out the company brought in new or changed existing policies to prevent the things that happened to me from happening again. All i did was point out all of the flaws and contradictions in company policy while making an indelible mark on the psyche of everyone involved. The best part. I told my colleagues what was going to happen months before. My predictions are still coming true. I had seen too many people abused by the company in the past. My goal was improving conditions for the thousands of other employees. Job done... And the company still fear me because I kept all documents, made countless records requests including emails about me between all parties. They know I have the dirt on them and fear me exposing them in the court of public opinion. Yeo, even organisations have a psychology.
I'm always scared to express my anger or even frustration at anyone because I don't get angry that often and not many people have ever seen that side of me. I tend not to get angry that often unless people are trying to pressure me to do something I don't want to do. Then I notice that when that rage comes out, people are so shocked that they then tend to avoid me. That can be a good thing sometimes though because that keeps away the jerks who try to take advantage of me.
Some of the only times I’ve experienced this level of anger were when someone I loved was being mistreated or was in danger. I remember the shocked looks on my friends faces when I screamed at a man to leave when one of my best friends was feeling threatened. Let me tell you, that huge man backed off very quickly from my scrawny self, and my friends looked at me like they had never seen me before. 😬
Scary accurate. This happened on the weekend. I snapped at my boyfriend... I saw red.. I literally ran away from him on the street after yelling at him. I thought mean thoughts and didn’t feel like myself. Upon reflection, I realized I’ve been suppressing small things for far too long. I’m accepting and patient and always make excuses for people’s behaviour. I always pretend there’s harmony. I need to learn to speak up, not fear confrontation and conflict, and be assertive. So much easier said than done, I’ve realized.
I'd never experienced true anger until I filed for divorce after 30 years of being with a narcissist. I got made at him, and myself bc I stayed so long after I saw the truth. Anger helped me set boundaries so it was useful. My siblings saw me make a shift. Maybe thought I was losing it, but in fact, I explained the old me was dead and gone, the new me is protecting me from here on. I said if I tell you no, don't ask why. Lol much better after a few years. Just want to add you are awesome. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Vickie. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce from a narcissist and that you went through such a difficult time, but I'm glad you came out on the other side stronger and with more love for yourself. I think as an INFJ it is easy to get pegged as weak or for people to take advantage of us especially when we don't have good boundaries. I'm not a huge Taylor Swift fan, but one song comes to mind as an INFJ Anthem. lol Pretty sure it wasn't intended that way, but it fits. :) I looked up lyrics to make sure I got them right. I must admit, this song is a fav when I'm feeling moody and sometimes just for fun; love the high energy and rhythm! :) Plus for the vid, it's amusing to see Taylor picking on herself a bit at the end with the different versions of herself interacting with each other. My favorite part at the end of the video is all of "the other Taylors" telling the "award winner Taylor" to shut up as she is saying she has nothing to do with the whole situation. lol Snake Queen Taylor is her own version of special just hissing once in a while. Song snippets below. :) Enjoy! "I don't like your little games Don't like your tilted stage The role you made me play of the fool No, I don't like you ... But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh! Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me... Ooh, look what you made me do Look what you made me do Look what you just made me do Look what you just made me do ... But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time) Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time (I do it all the time) I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!" - Taylor Swift, Look What You Made Me Do Taylor Swift - Look What You Made Me Do ua-cam.com/video/3tmd-ClpJxA/v-deo.html by Taylor Swift Haha. I think the "I check it once, then I check it twice" part about making a list is very INFJ and accurate. lol Oh... INFJ's and Santa and lists that's an amusing connection. :D Not sure of Talor Swift's Myers-Briggs result; just saying the song checks boxes for many INFJ traits/reactions. :)
It was a turning point for me when I told myself that the other person's problems only EXPLAIN their abuse towards me but do not EXCUSE it. Our feelings and needs and opinions are just as important as the other guy's. Not more, not less. But just because we may have a deeper capacity for understanding with compassion, we set ourselves up to be used and taken for granted. We fail to look out for ourselves because we are so busy looking out for the other guy while at the same time being so hard on ourselves, trying to always take the high road. We're actually harder on ourselves for sticking up for ourselves than we are on the other person for mistreating us in the first place. We replay the tape over and over again and fill ourselves with regret and shame over how we lost our temper instead of giving ourselves a pat on the back for protecting our boundaries. Wenzes, your insight into this is just so helpful and amazing!!!!!
I love other INFJs comments, they are so detailed and you can see a lot of thought was put into the comment. They are my favorite thing to go over, because I feel understood in the moments I read them. Something I didn't feel most of my life. It feels like a safe place to be. ❤
This hits my heart, ive always said ive got a long fuse with a massive bomb at the end of it. Took that test today and was given this one... and its ridiculously accurate based on these videos.
I just got in a huge screaming match and it even scared me .. I never let it out like that I never knew that my voice could do those things.. and they're still avoiding me. You have to really push me to my limit and they did im not easy to get angry, usually I'll just shrug it off and walk away and see them as insipid or childish, being passive agressive. That rage is something else.
As an INFJ my anger goes from Warning > Quiet > Death glare > verbalizing all your flaws down to the last atom of your body followed by another warning > property damage and/or I will make sure you get beat up bare handed or not
The workplace is such a great environment for learning how to set form boundaries, due to the fact that the culture in that environment is professional and collaborative 👍
Our anger freak people out because instead of "telling" people we are angry and why, we put on a show of demonstration through visuals often accompanied with high volume, and we want it to be understood load and clear and immediately leaving no doubt to the fact that we are angry ! Some people may not know why we are angry, some may know it and play dumb, but regardless to us it is crystal clear that we are being wronged in some way and we may even be frustrated even more to see that some people actually don't see it as clearly as we are able to. And we are very able to !
When the doctor told me it was cancer, I blew my stack. I had been to health food, exercised , took care of myself body , mind and spirit. One in 8 women will have breast cancer.
My rage doesn’t freak me out because it doesn’t happen for no reason. If I let that rage out, then it’s because I’ve had more than enough. It almost always comes as a result of people disrespecting my boundaries. I’m like a high voltage fence when it comes to boundaries; test them at your own peril. If I’ve reached that point, the INFJ door slam is probably inevitable.
I absolutely snap suddenly, but the snap comes when I am trying to explain why I am upset and all they can do is defend themselves with zero regard for what I am trying to tell them calmly and rationally. For example, I recently snapped at a co-worker I had to work with. I felt disrespected and disregarded from day one. I told her then how I felt and she replied with "I didn't mean to make you feel that way; I just need to have hands on experience with situations, you know?" She sounded nice and pleasant. I did the typical INFJ thing and I let it go. After all, her type is as legit as mine. Over the next few months, she has continued her behavior and it has gotten worse. She always uses the same excuse, however: "I'm just trying to help." She can ONLY see herself in this situation and has ZERO regard for how she is actually hurting me. Instead of her saying something like, "I realize I am hurting you. What can I do?", she instead continues to insist that I see HER as "only wanting to be helpful" and that I'm the mean one for not accepting her excuse. How does anyone get anyone to actually LISTEN!!! Or is her pain the only one that counts???
I go through this, over and over again. I have been thinking about this one for a while now and I have decided to stop explaining myself to whoever and instead just let them deal with the consequences
My coworker kept being rude to me anytime i interacted with her and eventually I snapped, I went quiet at first then waited a bit to cool off so I didn’t start screaming at her. Then right before she left for the day I told her “I don’t know if your trying to be funny, or what but I don’t like how you’ve been treating me. Don’t talk to me in that way. You’ve been rude to me all day. ” and of course she says something stupid like “I wasn’t trying to be funny and I wasn’t being rude” then she sighs and walks out of the room. This was the first time I ever set a boundary with someone cause never in my life had I ever met someone who would try to cross my boundaries and use me as a doormat. So I was just happy that I was able to speak to her calmly without flipping out. Then later that day she texts me and is like “I’m sorry if you think I was being rude, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I would’ve texted you sooner if it wasn’t for the baby I’m taking care of” and I replied “I forgive you but it wasn’t just what you said to me it was your overall tone with me the entire day, I hope we have a better day tommorow. I’ll pray about it.” Then she stopped using me as a doormat for awhile and avoided interacting with me. Now she will make slightly rude jokes with me but I let them slide because some of them actually make me laugh. However if she keeps it up I’m going to politely tell her “I don’t really like that, I’m ending this conversation now.” Then walk off To remind her to not go to far. So that’s how I successfully made the boundary even when they tried making me look like the bad guy.
If she’s still acting that way then next time she does it tell her you don’t like it and if she says she’s just trying to help then explain exactly what she’s doing and why it’s irritating you. Then remind her that you don’t appreciate her way of helping and that she’s causing more harm then good. And if she’s still trying to make you look like the bad guy then say something along the lines of “I’ve told you multiple times that I don’t like the way you help me, I’m not an asshole for standing up for myself. If you think I’m being unreasonable now then keep disrespecting me and you’ll find out how much of a bitch I can really be once I’ve run out of patience.” Then if they still try it tell them “don’t speak to me.” And ignore them, and if all that sounds too risky then tell them that they’re making you run out of patience and let it be known that they are overstepping your boundaries , if they do it again go to your boss or even HR.
I had to come back to this one. I've done this 5 times in my 44 yrs all because I didn't set boundaries. Those 5 are not in my life because I said things that cut so deep they couldn't forget. It wasn't my opinion it was their behavior
I could relate to this so much I thought I was consulting with you privately. Sometimes people don't expect us, INFJs, to overreact when we have had enough of being taken advantage of. But it's true that may be a result of us not accepting anger as our right after being wronged. It's just a question of putting our emotions in the right place and channelling them the best way we can. We don't have to please everyone and it's ok not to accept certain behaviours. Assertiveness is a muscle some INFJs still have to train and develop. The guilt issue after an outburst was spot-on. You feel good for a few seconds, then...bang! Guilt-ridden! And that's when some will even take more advantage of us.
Raquel, I know what you mean. I've explained "my path to upsetness" to other people either involved in the situation or outsiders like family or teachers (for a school thing as a child/teen). The sequence of events never seems to be justified in their eyes between the situation and my reaction. (When I did react.) Expaining to them "It is not just this. It is everything. It built up over the last two weeks." does not help much. I've gotten better at boundaries and "nipping it in the bud". Mostly, I figured out that I am sensitive and I need to work to make sure people know when they hit a boundary of mine verses staying quiet and ignoring it for too long. Mostly, they just don't understand the boundary and have never had it be an issue with someone else or they just presumed you'd be okay with it like everyone else they've delt with in the past. Anyone that goes beyond that point has to be handled as needed. Most reasonable people are cool with working with you once they understand.
@@stacydebrew7651 Definitely as you said, it's the buildup of emotions resulting from lack of boundaries that goes against us. Once we learn how to set boundaries by not letting others play the strings of our hearts, we can have more control of our outbursts. It's not about suppressing anger. It's being aware that when others take advantage of us, we can channel our anger wisely. Let's get this right:INFJs are sensitive enough to feel when something is not right. Let's use what we have and not ignore it. Don't let others call you 'too sensitive.' We are sensitive. And that's a good thing!
Raquel C, as you said, " It's not about suppressing anger. It's being aware when others are taking advantage of us and channelling our anger wisely." ❤ It's so true, I've experienced this in my life just recently so it's so wonderful to find somebody put it in plain words.
This video is great for those who struggle with maintaining boundaries in general and for building relationships with people who don’t have selfish or ill intentions. I have learned, however, that stating my boundaries with manipulative or narcissistic types gives them the information they need to take their overt abuse to the covert level. Observe the first time a person’s overstepped boundaries. These types test the waters to see what they can get away with. Once you’ve set a boundary, they learn what that boundary is and what not to do, but don’t kid yourself that your boundary is being honored when they shapeshift and bring their manipulation via a different, less detectable form. We do teach people how to treat us by what we accept. If someone is willing to manipulate one time, they’ve shown you what their capable of. Maintaining boundaries against covert manipulation becomes a futile blame game. People show you who they are and energy doesn’t lie. Accepting this situation is probably the hardest part, but cutting ties can save years off your life.
I put someone in their place this week as soon as I saw an unacceptable behaviour - two in one minute. It was in public and folk were behind me on it. Thank you Wenzes.
I used to care about the feelings of others when I was younger. Now, in my 40's, I can go from Mr. Rogers to Darth Sidious, real quick. With age comes wisdom, and I realized that I don't have to be "friends" with everyone. There is a huge amount of freedom for an INFJ when you come to this juncture in your life. Point is, I don't suppress it anymore. Someone gives me grief, I give them the same sauce, right back. This cuts a lot of "takers" out of your life. It also lets you know who really values your love and advice. Life is too short to deal with fools.
I think I have felt frustration far more than anger, but I definitely have had my moments with it, in that definite infj way that you explained. I do believe we do these things naturally, by nature desiring and seeking harmonious circumstances. We of course get a dose of reality, in realizing that it is not always going to be that way. I think sometimes we may inadvertently help create that situation due to our traits of introversion and allowing others too much, to express themselves, without us doing the same, and added with the aspect of the other person most likely not realizing or understanding the INFJs inner strength, and possibly the fact that we usually hold firmly to our thoughts and principles, that miscalculating that, on their part, or even their lack of thought or concern for it, can definitely bring out the undesirable sides of ourselfs. It is so true though, as you stated, that learning to integrate the healthy boundaries and becoming comfortable with that, is a key part of creating a healthy balance ⚖️🤘
You are in the right place to learn best practices for these situations - hope you are tuned into her weekly uploads and if you're new Welcome to the Epic INFJ community!
Always said that I am like the volcano with an EXTREMELY long fuse! My kids often called me "Vesuvius", wiping out everything in my path! And, then I feel so crappy after I've calmed down.
When I started audio recording arguments I had with others, I realized how distorted my memories were. I “remembered” myself acting like an angry monster, making demands and throwing insults, being cruel and manipulative. But when I listened to the recording, there I was... rational, angry but in control, communicating effectively and with respect. I realized that the other persons reaction to me was NOT an accurate mirror of my behavior or character.
How is this different from being passive aggressive, saving up postage stamps of anger then loosing the volcano on people, blindsiding them? EVERY personality type has tendencies we need to work on by studying the matter and modifying our behavior, and quite possibly by a few therapy sessions. Maybe passive aggression is the INFJ issue. It's horrifying and shocking to be hit with a formerly invisible volcano because we realize (while bleeding on the ground) that we don't know you at all. There's a very dark side to you that is dangerous, we suddenly realize. We don't know you at all. We all have a responsibility to get some therapy so we don't emit ruthless rage out of nowhere, verbally slicing and dicing someone after giving them the impression we are loving, gentle, and caring - only to kick them right in their most tender emotional areas.
The INFJ wants you to be as sensitive and aware of their needs as they are of yours. They also expect you to pick up on their values and character from the way they treat you. They just want to be treated kindly and with respect like everyone else. At least for me it takes a LOT for me to get to the point of expressing anger. I can overlook a lot giving others the benefit of the doubt. That’s different from passive aggressiveness which is suppressing anger and doling out sneaky consequences without taking responsibility and then sometimes gaslighting the recipient. At least for me, that’s just low and not the way I deal with frustration. The INFJ is waiting for the chance to excuse all the hurts from some magical explanation or sincere apology. When it’s clear that isn’t going to happen or we are insulted and treated wrongly for too long, that’s when we surprise even ourselves. It’s not malicious.
I don't think this is applicable to the cognitive INFJ but rather other facets of personality (ie such traits as assertiveness, emotional regulation etc) as opposed to cognition per se. Sure, being a certain cognitive type may predispose you to be more likely to be assertive etc but this will be contingent upon a multiplicity of factors. The actual cognitive INFJs I know, which is few, like the logical Ni-Ti beasts they are (not in a derogatory way) and owing to their logically abstract disposition tend be very stoic & not particularly concerned about interpersonal harmony or feelings unless they're put in the context of a confrontational situation, in which case they tend to retreat back into Ni-Ti at the first sign of discomfort. There's a tendency in the MBTI community to portray the INFJ as a kind of emotionally sensitive empath which just isn't the case; they're primarily abstract rationalists hence why most people are mistyped. What Wenzes is discussing here is much more generically applicable as we all, on some level want our emotional needs to be reciprocated (we all think and feel irrespective of cognitive type) from an ISFP cognitive standpoint, no disrespect.
i’ve always known i was an infj but this video is really speaking to me on a different level because recently someone pushed me too far and i got truly angry. my first serious relationship just ended and i was blaming myself for wanting to have deep conversations, for analyzing us so we could understand each other and grow together, for having different introverted hobbies, and basically just being myself around her. i was my true neurodivergent, queer, introverted self around her and she told me she loved me. then i was truly vulnerable and she ghosted me, after almost a year of trusting her the second i was my most vulnerable she left me. and at first i tried to fix it, i asked what i did wrong and did everything she asked of me. but she didn’t do anything in return. she partied, ignored, and later i would realized lied to me for three weeks before i reached my breaking point. i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because i loved her, she was my first healthy relationship, or so i thought. it came crashing down when i couldn’t handle being ignored and judged for being myself anymore. i let out my frustration, i cried and screamed. and afterwards i felt so guilty because i made her uncomfortable even though she had done that to me for weeks. she then told me she lied to me and that was it, i was furious. with her and myself. she promised to never lie and yet when i saw the signs that she had i pushed them away. she left me when she didn’t need me anymore. she was a runaway with no money or house. i let her into my family, we loved and cherished her. then the second she didn’t need money or shelter she lied and left me. i’m less angry with the situation now and surprisingly i’ve moved on fairly quickly because she showed me who she was and i want no part of it. it’s sad though, my first real consensual relationship gone up in flames. this is all to say that this video is hitting the nail in the coffin. i think i just needed to vent now that i’ve read this but thank you for an outlet to do so.
i learned young how dangerous my full rage could get. so i shut down and embrace a form of apathy. meaning complete control or as close to it as i can get. and if it gets too bad i get away from anyone.
When in someone's (family, or..) presence who says or does something mean or says something snarky to me because of their pain, I'm initially shocked actually, and my nervous system goes into fight or flight, then I suppress a reaction. I may walk away, but I don't see a point of addressing them in moment, especially repeat offenders. Yep, then later I'm so 😠 😡 angry. The struggle is real. I like how you said people are drowning in their stuff. The more regulated my own nervous system is, the easier it is. They don't have an opening.... Does that make sense? It's like dogs sensing when you have fear, right? Thanks for a perfect post!!! Spot on.
Christ I have scared myself with my anger. Not being frustrated, genuine anger. I do my best to control it these days because frankly when I'm truly mad I look & sound like the kind of person that could seriously hurt someone. I wouldn't at all, more likely to do something dumb that hurts myself. But I'm self-aware enough to know what it looks like.
Growing up my mom triggered me and crossed my boundaries so many times that I've somewhat emotionally doorslammed her. Its so sad, our relationship has been suffering for years and on my end its because I've turned off some of my empathy for her to protect myself from the guilt when she inevitably sets me off.
Wow. Had never put it in that context of the anger is a part of my identity. As you basically stated I've always treated it as some separate part of myself because I don't like associating with that feeling. As I've gotten older though I have learned to set boundaries and to speak my mind in the moment more often so that I don't have to get to the extreme moments of rage. Just never really looked at it from the perspective youve given here! Thank you so much for your wisdom!
For most of life I thought I don't get angry at all, the only time that I trully experienced a great deal of anger is when I finally realised that my narcissistic friend had crossed the line, Clearly! It took me over a year of suffering until she did something that was clearly not ok that I snapped and spoke about it, she completely denied everything but I was done with her, we never spoke since then and I know I hurted her because she didn't see that coming, I was too nice and had unclear boundaries, I keep being reminded that I need to work on my boundaries and I will now, thank you for understanding us and describing how we feel and think, that is immensely helpful, thank you!
Do I tend to suppress my anger? Yes. More so nowadays than earlier in my life. Yet, when something has to be said by someone, and that someone is me, I have this tendency to say the things everyone else has been afraid to say. When it happens, I sound like a drill sergeant or tough dad chewing out some punk and putting them in their place. Then, it's back to being the quiet guy that keeps to himself. I've been told that I "lead from the back of the pack". By the way, I'm a day late watching and commenting on this video due to me taking a class for upgrade training. Thanks for an insightful video.
I get angry at my siblings when they criticize a comment I made and when I get angry and express myself I get ignored. I walk away and take a walk. I give them the ignoring routine where I refuse to communicate. I walk away from their attitudes. I feel relieved 😌
Wow. This definitely hit the point. I still don't consider myself as an INFJ (too many differencies), but this anger-thing is so accurate it's scary. Just a few weeks ago I got angry to a person I've been working with on a project, and even if I suppressed myself pretty well (no cursing, no shouting, no personal insults, just talking about the subject we were on and trying to explain her why I did think as I did), she sensed the amount of my anger so deep she told me I should go to a psychiatrist. In her opinion anger is a useless thing everybody should get rid of totally. Well, I have talked about my anger to a psychiatrist years ago, after a burn out and some panic attacs, and they were way more worried about my capability to set my own boundaries and how to keep them. I've been trying to get rid of that project for some months now, but for some reason this person wants to continue and even extend it with me, despite the fact that I've been telling her several times and in several ways why I'm not the right person for it, and that I don't have time for it anymore. Maybe I have just been too polite in choosing my words. And yes, when we started co-working (a year and a half ago) I was exited about it, because I didn't know enough about it, and probably said "yes" too many times too easily. But anyway, it's really relieving to hear that my anger is not a deadly fault in me or a problem I should deal with to prevent causing harm to other people, but it can be an acceptable part of my personality.
Narcissists tried to get under my skin constantly. I kept my facade, which made them so furious, bcs I wasn't controllable. But I struggle to finde a way to deal with being angry from time to time. I started with buying a punchig bag. It first felt odd to box but it's getting better.
This video helped me out so much it made me realis that's not okay to be treated in certain ways and it's not okay to allow myself to be treated in certain ways. Thank you so much! I appreciate you.
Can confirm. I have absolutely decimated a few people and cut them down to a hollow shell of a person. This has only happened maybe 7 times in my life and it has always changed the persons life/personality afterwards. It made me feel miserable realizing I have this type of mental power over people. Got into anger management and it has helped significantly with setting boundaries before rage
I actually feel that if it gets to the point where I have to express my anger, I've failed. I should have either detached from that relationship (the door slam) or at least put them in their place earlier. I totally understand the guilt feeling when the anger comes in, and for me, it's because I feel there was something I should have been able to do before that point that would have prevented that. A little clap back is a good thing, it puts the situation in perspective before it gets out of hand.
This is so timely! Holidays with my current ( any have been problematic tbh )partner are always tricky because our needs are so different and after the first few days l feel my energy drop and self hate increases. This time though, because I’m following your advice in other ways, I’m sick of being typecast as overly sensitive and l really let my anger out and she was so shocked. All the feelings that you mentioned came up so I had been struggling to repair my self worth. Thank you so much for your help! 🙏😊🙏
I appreciate all this high quality that your putting out there for free, man being assertive has always been an issue for me until the very last moment and then like you said, people get literally scared like who tf is this! You had this in you the whole time? Holy shit! And then boom, they back off completely lol but if I would just set the boundaries from the jump I would gain so much respect and admiration from those ppl. Thank you🗣💪💚
So my decision to break our so-called friendship was right, it took months but now I understand we are both hurting. And one of us just wasn't comfortable with some situation we are in.
Thank you I found you! I feel like there're people understand me ! just last month after a long time of giving my all to my work I quietly in one night finishing 10 pages of resign letter and just like that left the job! the boss was so shock, begged me to stay and I just do not bother. Still I feel tired, happy for a moment and all kind of mixed emotion afterward. I did my beyond my best, talked to the boss yet still had to end up with that freaking letter.. very dissappointed that I had to release all of that.
This is a whole different category than anger. Get mad, get mad, so what. What we fear perhaps in ourselves, and think exists in others tho it may not, is what we can accomplish in moments when cold, ruthless rage surfaces. By all means, learn to set the boundaries and expectations sooner. We know what we are capable of. All bite, no bark.
I feel I'm getting better at this while working on my enterprise that expresses my greatest values and hopes. And learned to do better affirmations on this. It's good advice though. I have to think about it. I think I've started doing it naturally since taking on this identity more. Since being willing to wear my identity more.
I was in a relationship with an infj- he was disrespectful to his mother, me and his father. If you called him out he would say he’s the person always right. I always walked out during his bad behavior because I didn’t want to blow up and freak out. Disrespectful
Crazy part is he was so enthralled with being a dad and then left. His parents would force paternity testing and after our baby was born I left him off the birth certificate. He didn’t show up for birth and avoided being a dad. Infj not kindness
I take a lot from people but there comes a time when I've had enough. When this happens I go off quietly and meditate about it. I want to put everything in perspective and find the best way to deal with it. It's funny how people think I'm a pushover because I like to be fair. But when I'm done, I'm done. The reactions are invariably shock, or respect.
I had an outburst in H.S true story,😢 in 2005 my school thought there was an active shooter on the main campus, there never was it was me having a meltdown and the gun shot noise was me going super Saiyan on 30 lockers bare knuckles only, and then I passed out, they said they saw me on camera turn into hulk on 30 lockers and they were counting by the way 😂 and then saw me face plant at the last one, and then my wrestling coaches bomb rushed me, I was 220lbs State qualify wrestler from a Hick town in Missouri 😅 I was diagnosed @34y/o w/ Autism and INFJ/Super Empathetic
Well my anger I can control but I destroy egos with my look and energy. I have learned to speak in a respectful manner tone where people freak out and even alphas. I am so good at it that I don’t even know until after that I was heated and angry that just my energy scares all. When I feel am being attacked it happens even though they were not attacking me as it doesn’t register with me until after the energy I gave out comes out. I definitely show others a different side of me when it happens and they get scared and not to cross me. I think before I do where I use to do before I think.
As a teenager I attended anger management classes where they taught alternative methods of how to problem solve with logic, reason and less emotional response. I thought I was done and won. damn. Great videos btw and thanks.
PLEASE address being an INFJ who's been bullied for *m a n y* years. I stood up to my bully and it was very, clearly the right thing to do. A "triangulated" friend was present ( stood up for the bully) and both friendships ended when I called out the bully. Disappointed in that so-called friend.
When I was a little over eighteen I was pushed over the edge when my best friends brother vandalized my bike I snapped and pushed him on the concrete and began pounding him and smashing his head on the concrete. I was in an absolute blind rage. Then came the moment I realized I could end up in prison if I continued I swore I would never fight again no matter what and it's been a lifetime battle to contain that rage. 😞
i did manage to integrated by dark side and anger after exploded though and after cutting off and being ruthless to so many Narcissistic ex friends though. I didn't have the understanding nor the consciousness before the RAGE. it could not be helped and i hoped it didn't have to go that far,but it is done, all hell breaks loose, and it is fine,. it was meant to happen, could not wish for a better outcome actually, despite of all the uncomfortable feelings and fear i managed to spread to ex friends.
Do you tend to suppress your anger?
What about people intentionally harassing you and irking you? Do libelous acts with emotional, physical and physiological damaged too- Intentionally trying to get reactions from you by provoking you with their sick little mind games? Then after, play the victim? How about that? How about people conniving about all the crap they did because of their envy, motives and insecurities? Thats just gonna sum up my experience. Then when i get to the point of rage, I’m bad?
I supress a LOT, despite what my brother has to say.
While I was very ill, I was more of the constantly angry type of person, but outside of those 5 -8 years, I am extremely patient and usually vent through journaling or some vague tweet and mostly feel better after that.
Typically I suppress my anger or I let it out in small micro aggressions, such as sarcastic humor or whippy comments.
I try to find a way to express the point of my anger: in words, intelectually! whenever I can not follow the other person's thinking, motives -hoping they would give me an explanation-making it all ok, or realize and excuse where their motives were off. Never works! They have absolutely NO IDEA, NOT a CLUE what I am talking about. They do NOT SEE any problem. Plus they believe it is obvious, clear plus they have nothing against me, so there is not a problem. But if I talk for too long or too insistently- they will get iritated with me!
INFJ anger is like the judgement day. We know we'll never be happy if we rage, but till this moment raging is our only way out of the mess that we're in. The unique thing about the INFJ anger is that we never use it as ego boost like most people will do. Most people will overaccept their anger, we are different because of the Fe. We will accept it, but as something we should never do and we must be sorry for what we've done as soon as possible. I myself have been through the cicle of outraging and then deeply guilttriping my self which led to totally dening my anger and that led to a serial outrages because the problems ware still unsolved. As painfull as it is it's better to doorslam tha person that you are angry on then to harming your self by unaccepting your anger because you don't want to doorslam that person. When something is over is over, period. Good or bad the truth never matters if you accept it or not, it will realize itself no matter what so it's much better to accept the truth then to live in a delusion. You got to keep your eyes and mind constantley open for the things your emotions telling you, especially the most intense ones.
My favorite is when people around you are cruel and aggressive. The moment you decide to dish out what you have been dealt you hear a lot of "whoa whoa whoa! Why so violent? Dude calm down!" 😒
I have gone through the same thing.
Yessir! Been there.
@@destinationunderground6006 Supremely frustrating to say the least.
Exactly
Story of my life 🤣
I’m an INFJ and my rage freaks me out.
The door slam is not the worst thing that can happen! 😂
Terrifies me too.
Yes, it could happen...*if* someone fucks you up honestly for too long...say some 5-10+ years...
I don't want to be angry I don't like it I just need people to leave me alone. I like my inner peace and harmony.
+1 Facts ! 💯 Only very few friends into life - and your better half is way enough, into this creepy, cruel world !
❤❤❤❤ this
My husband just saw this side of me... After six years, he was unfaithful, he told me, I can't believe you did that. Cried and told me he didn't even think I was capable of it. Six years of trying me and I finally had enough, INFJ doesn't want to be like that. You feel bad about how cold you can be. You only do this, when you absolutely have too. Glad you touched on this. I needed to go over this, due to my current situation.
I know we INFJs do get angry, and It's been my experience that the people who are most freaked out are those who can dish it out but can't take it. When I was new on a former job, I had a colleague who constantly bossed and criticized me. I finally "snapped" and let her have it verbally - letting her know that I was tired of being treated like a six-year-old. She freaked out and then threatened to go to our supervisor. I then said, "Don't bother. I'll go there myself!" And yes, I felt miserable through the whole thing, but it was the beginning of setting some limits.
I especially appreciated when you said:
"Stop waiting for other people to see your value."
"Integrate this anger as part of your identity."
"Show them that you will not accept this behavior."
It's basically preparing ahead, being cautiously optimistic that things will go well but realistically prepared for when they don't. I wish I'd had this kind of counsel back then. But ... it's it's never too late to learn. 🙂
And infj always knows exactly where the soft spot is to get through the armor and get that knife straight into the heart of a disrespectful egomaniac narcissist. Just make sure you plan ahead before you stab them, as you can take a play from their own playbook and put their overreaction on display so they look like the crazy one.
The older and infj gets the more they learn these toxic games and how to turn them around on the offender.
I can certainly relate to your story I had to quit a job at a chicken farm about a year ago to keep from beating the living hell out of this woman that was criticizing me and boss me around treat me like one of her grandkids so for my well-being I quit cuz I feel like I was fixing to jump on it and I didn't want her to get mad and call the law and I don't want to have to beat her husband up so I just quit I bailed out but yeah I certainly can agree with what you're saying and I can relate to it thank you for your post
+1 exactly. We do learn all through our live...everyday new...and can improve things & situations. We can't change the past, neither others, but we can learn & fix ourselves, and change the future for the greater good.
But that's a life lesson old as time, hope for the best and expect the worst
I got fired over this a few years ago. I was given 2 weeks but I just left after my shift and never went back.
Because we don't show our rage very often but when we do its a volcano.
I isolate myself when I feel rage , injustice & unjust is my trigger .
I isolate and have a good word with myself and start again in a different viewpoint
I, as well. People typically don't realize how grateful that they should be for that.
Injustice is MASSIVE for me in the way I feel, whether it be in my own life or world politics, fair is fair.
@@KingDomsKingdom85 And the INFJ is always being downplayed, undermined, under appreciated by "ordinary" people. We do see the others, their agenda, their fake world - what they try to archive...but for the most part, we do stay calm, have our peace, and don't care about...it's only for years, when we've been played, used & abused...or being down played all the time...especially when narcissists or selfish, superficial, narrow minded people step onto our nerves for too long...rage could occur...and especially *injustice*, or passive aggressive behaviour - is something that really piss me off....all the time - how people behave, or would tread you...but when it's enough - they would being called, and that gets ugly, i'd tell them, what creeps they are, for real !
In Jung's "Psychological Types" he says that the Extrovert's pro-social shadow is the Tyrant and the Introvert's internal mastery shadow is the explosive eruption of uncontrolled rage.
This is 100% right. I don't enjoy arguing or raising my voice and I can suppress my feelings for so long and then I'll blow. It's especially hard when you're in a toxic relationship because when you finally blow up the person who instigated it will point the finger at you. Then I'm filled with guilt which is exactly what they wanted.
Well people know how to treat each other so if they choose to treat someone badly then what is there to say. I have a wicked temper, the potential for rage that goes beyond what I know is acceptable. I’m the only one who knows it’s there though so if I even feel at all like someone is provoking that side of me then I know it’s time to door slam. There’s nothing to say to a person who tries to hurt you emotionally so I don’t feel the need to speak up or express myself or my voice because if it’s gotten to that point then it’s already too late for the relationship to ever be anything more than toxic.
I wish I had a stage where I would blow up. I go from being completely bullied and ignoring it and ignoring it and ignoring it and then I start to mirror the person. I don’t bully them, or talk to them in a condescending way like they do to me, but in my own passive aggressive form of communication if they don’t text me back for six hours I don’t return their text for six hours and if they don’t call me back for three days, I don’t call them back for three days. I mirror them exactly and they always come back with the “what’s wrong with you, are you OK“ It’s as if they just think we are on this planet to say “how high?” when they say jump! I just can’t play those games anymore and now the very second that I can feel it I door slam. I am just gone. They get nothing from me any longer. There’s no point in a conversation because people know how to treat other people. We all know the basic foundation of reciprocity. Just be kind and communicate and respond and when somebody starts playing the stupid ignore, gaslight, projection games they play I just feel like why even bother. If the planet had no narcissists on it, it would be an incredibly beautiful place. It’s still a beautiful place but it’s like playing dodgeball every day.
To me, it shows our hearts are pure. I think it's often due to us not understanding how a significant other could behave in such a way towards us, we take things personal due to our absolute loyalty and need for deep connections with people we allow into our lives.
"Wow! You've got a short fuse."
" Really? You've had this coming for a decade."
I have implemented what I call "soft checkpoints" - the first one is very soft warning; the second is direct identification of what is or not acceptable but still soft. If they still continue after that, final checkpoint is where the nice INFJ goes away, makes a firm hard no statement, and invitation to fuck around and find out. Anything after that they deserve.
One of the most mind blowing things I ever heard about anger was from Mike Tyson. The interviewer asked what he did to mentally prepare before entering the ring for a fight. He said that he *cried*. When asked why, he said that his mental zone/persona of the fighter can only hurt and destroy; and that gave him great sadness knowing how bad he is going to hurt someone. Then went and did so. "Nobody likes that guy"
@@gbooby yooooo THATS crazy......the juxtaposition off it all....never knew that. the more we peel back the life and mind of tyson, the more he shows how profoundly empathetic, introspective, and wise he is
Hey nice strategy....I wanna try this out as well? Could you please give me an example of what sentence(s) to use as a soft warning, and also for direct identification? Anger clouds my thinking in the moment of an explosive outburst....thanks!
@@dragonskinavi soft warning can look like "that wasn't necessary" or "please don't do that" then roll into "I specifically told you that was not necessarily, there are better ways to do that which are respectful " or "I specifically asked you to stop that; what you are doing is unacceptable" to the final "your continued disrespect will now be addressed. There is nothing else being discussed or action taken until you correct yourself. Anything further by you after telling you what is not acceptable will now be taken as disrespect and treated as such. Think very carefully about your next words or actions"
@@gbooby Thanks, let me give this a shot! :)
I'm generally terrified to allow my anger or rage out because I'm not sure what I would do because my concept of society is not exactly grounded so sometimes I feel that I may do anything in this state of Rage.
That is me and my weakness
Same here
Anger is a strange topic for me. I definitely feel it, but I've gotten unbelievably good at keeping it under control that I've had people question if 'anything gets to me at all'. Yes, it can get to me, and if you're being spiteful without cause it definitely will, but I'd far rather vent in private than build needless hostility
Appreciated hearing your insights.
What did or do you say to yourself to understandingly put it away ?
Spot on!
Aye, UA-cam vlogging has done wonders for me in that way.
Rabbachino I've had similar experience with people. Many have told me "oh, you don't have a temper". But I know better, in fact had a major problem in my early teens. I had to give it to GOD. My rages we're not proportional to the situations
I had to recognize that and ask Jesus for help... And to my surprise it allowed to get control of my anger. To the point most don't believe I get 😡
In my previous job my boss was ungrateful, a perfectionist to a very high degree (which is not needed for the job), and didn't see me. She was constantly telling me bad things and I kept thinking that if I try harder me and she will be OK. Eventually I lost faith in me doing the job as she wishes, and I thought that it's bad for the company if I stay there. I told her I want to quit. Suddenly she didn't think that I was that bad. But then I told her everything on my mind. My responses to her "but" were so sharp she just accepted me quitting.
I can list every single person who has experienced my rage. 2 x former work colleagues who tried bullying me, the head of HR and her 2nd in command (at head office via email) who covered it up. They experienced my brutal rage for a year.
The head of HR, 300 miles away, called the police for a welfare check. The officer listened to me bare my soul, and what the company put me through, for half an hour and asked me if I wanted to make a complaint... I did.
6 months after resigning i recently found out the company brought in new or changed existing policies to prevent the things that happened to me from happening again.
All i did was point out all of the flaws and contradictions in company policy while making an indelible mark on the psyche of everyone involved.
The best part. I told my colleagues what was going to happen months before. My predictions are still coming true.
I had seen too many people abused by the company in the past. My goal was improving conditions for the thousands of other employees. Job done...
And the company still fear me because I kept all documents, made countless records requests including emails about me between all parties. They know I have the dirt on them and fear me exposing them in the court of public opinion.
Yeo, even organisations have a psychology.
I'm always scared to express my anger or even frustration at anyone because I don't get angry that often and not many people have ever seen that side of me. I tend not to get angry that often unless people are trying to pressure me to do something I don't want to do. Then I notice that when that rage comes out, people are so shocked that they then tend to avoid me. That can be a good thing sometimes though because that keeps away the jerks who try to take advantage of me.
The boundary is a boundary and needs to be protected. This is good to learn.
💯
Bc people don't realize we see everything
Some of the only times I’ve experienced this level of anger were when someone I loved was being mistreated or was in danger. I remember the shocked looks on my friends faces when I screamed at a man to leave when one of my best friends was feeling threatened. Let me tell you, that huge man backed off very quickly from my scrawny self, and my friends looked at me like they had never seen me before. 😬
Scary accurate. This happened on the weekend. I snapped at my boyfriend... I saw red.. I literally ran away from him on the street after yelling at him. I thought mean thoughts and didn’t feel like myself. Upon reflection, I realized I’ve been suppressing small things for far too long. I’m accepting and patient and always make excuses for people’s behaviour. I always pretend there’s harmony. I need to learn to speak up, not fear confrontation and conflict, and be assertive. So much easier said than done, I’ve realized.
I'd never experienced true anger until I filed for divorce after 30 years of being with a narcissist. I got made at him, and myself bc I stayed so long after I saw the truth. Anger helped me set boundaries so it was useful. My siblings saw me make a shift. Maybe thought I was losing it, but in fact, I explained the old me was dead and gone, the new me is protecting me from here on. I said if I tell you no, don't ask why. Lol much better after a few years.
Just want to add you are awesome. Thank you for all you do.
Hi Vickie. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce from a narcissist and that you went through such a difficult time, but I'm glad you came out on the other side stronger and with more love for yourself. I think as an INFJ it is easy to get pegged as weak or for people to take advantage of us especially when we don't have good boundaries. I'm not a huge Taylor Swift fan, but one song comes to mind as an INFJ Anthem. lol Pretty sure it wasn't intended that way, but it fits. :)
I looked up lyrics to make sure I got them right. I must admit, this song is a fav when I'm feeling moody and sometimes just for fun; love the high energy and rhythm! :) Plus for the vid, it's amusing to see Taylor picking on herself a bit at the end with the different versions of herself interacting with each other. My favorite part at the end of the video is all of "the other Taylors" telling the "award winner Taylor" to shut up as she is saying she has nothing to do with the whole situation. lol Snake Queen Taylor is her own version of special just hissing once in a while.
Song snippets below. :) Enjoy!
"I don't like your little games
Don't like your tilted stage
The role you made me play of the fool
No, I don't like you
...
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me...
Ooh, look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
...
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time (nick of time)
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time (I do it all the time)
I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!" - Taylor Swift, Look What You Made Me Do
Taylor Swift - Look What You Made Me Do
ua-cam.com/video/3tmd-ClpJxA/v-deo.html
by Taylor Swift
Haha. I think the "I check it once, then I check it twice" part about making a list is very INFJ and accurate. lol Oh... INFJ's and Santa and lists that's an amusing connection. :D Not sure of Talor Swift's Myers-Briggs result; just saying the song checks boxes for many INFJ traits/reactions. :)
It was a turning point for me when I told myself that the other person's problems only EXPLAIN their abuse towards me but do not EXCUSE it. Our feelings and needs and opinions are just as important as the other guy's. Not more, not less. But just because we may have a deeper capacity for understanding with compassion, we set ourselves up to be used and taken for granted. We fail to look out for ourselves because we are so busy looking out for the other guy while at the same time being so hard on ourselves, trying to always take the high road. We're actually harder on ourselves for sticking up for ourselves than we are on the other person for mistreating us in the first place. We replay the tape over and over again and fill ourselves with regret and shame over how we lost our temper instead of giving ourselves a pat on the back for protecting our boundaries.
Wenzes, your insight into this is just so helpful and amazing!!!!!
You explained these insights really well; thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing, I relate 100% to this
I love other INFJs comments, they are so detailed and you can see a lot of thought was put into the comment. They are my favorite thing to go over, because I feel understood in the moments I read them. Something I didn't feel most of my life. It feels like a safe place to be. ❤
This hits my heart, ive always said ive got a long fuse with a massive bomb at the end of it. Took that test today and was given this one... and its ridiculously accurate based on these videos.
I just got in a huge screaming match and it even scared me .. I never let it out like that I never knew that my voice could do those things.. and they're still avoiding me. You have to really push me to my limit and they did im not easy to get angry, usually I'll just shrug it off and walk away and see them as insipid or childish, being passive agressive. That rage is something else.
As an INFJ my anger goes from
Warning > Quiet > Death glare > verbalizing all your flaws down to the last atom of your body followed by another warning > property damage and/or I will make sure you get beat up bare handed or not
I've learned more from you, about myself, in the last couple of hours than from the culmination of all my 44 years on this earth. Thanks
The workplace is such a great environment for learning how to set form boundaries, due to the fact that the culture in that environment is professional and collaborative 👍
Agreed!
Our anger freak people out because instead of "telling" people we are angry and why, we put on a show of demonstration through visuals often accompanied with high volume, and we want it to be understood load and clear and immediately leaving no doubt to the fact that we are angry !
Some people may not know why we are angry, some may know it and play dumb, but regardless to us it is crystal clear that we are being wronged in some way and we may even be frustrated even more to see that some people actually don't see it as clearly as we are able to.
And we are very able to !
When the doctor told me it was cancer, I blew my stack. I had been to health food, exercised , took care of myself body , mind and spirit. One in 8 women will have breast cancer.
Yep, just like I talked about in my comment on your last video... It always surprises people and crushes egos when I reach that point.
My rage doesn’t freak me out because it doesn’t happen for no reason. If I let that rage out, then it’s because I’ve had more than enough. It almost always comes as a result of people disrespecting my boundaries. I’m like a high voltage fence when it comes to boundaries; test them at your own peril. If I’ve reached that point, the INFJ door slam is probably inevitable.
I absolutely snap suddenly, but the snap comes when I am trying to explain why I am upset and all they can do is defend themselves with zero regard for what I am trying to tell them calmly and rationally.
For example, I recently snapped at a co-worker I had to work with. I felt disrespected and disregarded from day one. I told her then how I felt and she replied with "I didn't mean to make you feel that way; I just need to have hands on experience with situations, you know?" She sounded nice and pleasant. I did the typical INFJ thing and I let it go. After all, her type is as legit as mine.
Over the next few months, she has continued her behavior and it has gotten worse. She always uses the same excuse, however: "I'm just trying to help." She can ONLY see herself in this situation and has ZERO regard for how she is actually hurting me. Instead of her saying something like, "I realize I am hurting you. What can I do?", she instead continues to insist that I see HER as "only wanting to be helpful" and that I'm the mean one for not accepting her excuse. How does anyone get anyone to actually LISTEN!!! Or is her pain the only one that counts???
I go through this, over and over again. I have been thinking about this one for a while now and I have decided to stop explaining myself to whoever and instead just let them deal with the consequences
My coworker kept being rude to me anytime i interacted with her and eventually I snapped, I went quiet at first then waited a bit to cool off so I didn’t start screaming at her. Then right before she left for the day I told her “I don’t know if your trying to be funny, or what but I don’t like how you’ve been treating me. Don’t talk to me in that way. You’ve been rude to me all day. ” and of course she says something stupid like “I wasn’t trying to be funny and I wasn’t being rude” then she sighs and walks out of the room. This was the first time I ever set a boundary with someone cause never in my life had I ever met someone who would try to cross my boundaries and use me as a doormat. So I was just happy that I was able to speak to her calmly without flipping out. Then later that day she texts me and is like “I’m sorry if you think I was being rude, I wasn’t trying to be rude. I would’ve texted you sooner if it wasn’t for the baby I’m taking care of” and I replied “I forgive you but it wasn’t just what you said to me it was your overall tone with me the entire day, I hope we have a better day tommorow. I’ll pray about it.” Then she stopped using me as a doormat for awhile and avoided interacting with me. Now she will make slightly rude jokes with me but I let them slide because some of them actually make me laugh. However if she keeps it up I’m going to politely tell her “I don’t really like that, I’m ending this conversation now.” Then walk off To remind her to not go to far. So that’s how I successfully made the boundary even when they tried making me look like the bad guy.
If she’s still acting that way then next time she does it tell her you don’t like it and if she says she’s just trying to help then explain exactly what she’s doing and why it’s irritating you. Then remind her that you don’t appreciate her way of helping and that she’s causing more harm then good. And if she’s still trying to make you look like the bad guy then say something along the lines of “I’ve told you multiple times that I don’t like the way you help me, I’m not an asshole for standing up for myself. If you think I’m being unreasonable now then keep disrespecting me and you’ll find out how much of a bitch I can really be once I’ve run out of patience.” Then if they still try it tell them “don’t speak to me.” And ignore them, and if all that sounds too risky then tell them that they’re making you run out of patience and let it be known that they are overstepping your boundaries , if they do it again go to your boss or even HR.
Rage is our secret weapon. Yes I feel terrible when I got to let it out but not sorry, definitely not.
I had to come back to this one. I've done this 5 times in my 44 yrs all because I didn't set boundaries. Those 5 are not in my life because I said things that cut so deep they couldn't forget. It wasn't my opinion it was their behavior
I'm so hard to anger but when I do it takes so long to get a grip on my emotions 🥴 They all come out at once
I could relate to this so much I thought I was consulting with you privately. Sometimes people don't expect us, INFJs, to overreact when we have had enough of being taken advantage of. But it's true that may be a result of us not accepting anger as our right after being wronged. It's just a question of putting our emotions in the right place and channelling them the best way we can. We don't have to please everyone and it's ok not to accept certain behaviours. Assertiveness is a muscle some INFJs still have to train and develop. The guilt issue after an outburst was spot-on. You feel good for a few seconds, then...bang! Guilt-ridden! And that's when some will even take more advantage of us.
Raquel, I know what you mean. I've explained "my path to upsetness" to other people either involved in the situation or outsiders like family or teachers (for a school thing as a child/teen). The sequence of events never seems to be justified in their eyes between the situation and my reaction. (When I did react.) Expaining to them "It is not just this. It is everything. It built up over the last two weeks." does not help much. I've gotten better at boundaries and "nipping it in the bud". Mostly, I figured out that I am sensitive and I need to work to make sure people know when they hit a boundary of mine verses staying quiet and ignoring it for too long. Mostly, they just don't understand the boundary and have never had it be an issue with someone else or they just presumed you'd be okay with it like everyone else they've delt with in the past. Anyone that goes beyond that point has to be handled as needed. Most reasonable people are cool with working with you once they understand.
@@stacydebrew7651 Definitely as you said, it's the buildup of emotions resulting from lack of boundaries that goes against us. Once we learn how to set boundaries by not letting others play the strings of our hearts, we can have more control of our outbursts. It's not about suppressing anger. It's being aware that when others take advantage of us, we can channel our anger wisely. Let's get this right:INFJs are sensitive enough to feel when something is not right. Let's use what we have and not ignore it. Don't let others call you 'too sensitive.' We are sensitive. And that's a good thing!
Raquel C, as you said, " It's not about suppressing anger. It's being aware when others are taking advantage of us and channelling our anger wisely." ❤ It's so true, I've experienced this in my life just recently so it's so wonderful to find somebody put it in plain words.
This video is great for those who struggle with maintaining boundaries in general and for building relationships with people who don’t have selfish or ill intentions. I have learned, however, that stating my boundaries with manipulative or narcissistic types gives them the information they need to take their overt abuse to the covert level. Observe the first time a person’s overstepped boundaries. These types test the waters to see what they can get away with. Once you’ve set a boundary, they learn what that boundary is and what not to do, but don’t kid yourself that your boundary is being honored when they shapeshift and bring their manipulation via a different, less detectable form. We do teach people how to treat us by what we accept. If someone is willing to manipulate one time, they’ve shown you what their capable of. Maintaining boundaries against covert manipulation becomes a futile blame game. People show you who they are and energy doesn’t lie. Accepting this situation is probably the hardest part, but cutting ties can save years off your life.
I definitely agree!!
NOTHING TICKS ME OFF MORE THAN SOMEONE TRYING TO EMBARRASE ME IN FRONT OF OTHERS!!!!
I put someone in their place this week as soon as I saw an unacceptable behaviour - two in one minute. It was in public and folk were behind me on it. Thank you Wenzes.
I used to care about the feelings of others when I was younger. Now, in my 40's, I can go from Mr. Rogers to Darth Sidious, real quick. With age comes wisdom, and I realized that I don't have to be "friends" with everyone. There is a huge amount of freedom for an INFJ when you come to this juncture in your life. Point is, I don't suppress it anymore. Someone gives me grief, I give them the same sauce, right back. This cuts a lot of "takers" out of your life. It also lets you know who really values your love and advice. Life is too short to deal with fools.
I think I have felt frustration far more than anger, but I definitely have had my moments with it, in that definite infj way that you explained. I do believe we do these things naturally, by nature desiring and seeking harmonious circumstances. We of course get a dose of reality, in realizing that it is not always going to be that way. I think sometimes we may inadvertently help create that situation due to our traits of introversion and allowing others too much, to express themselves, without us doing the same, and added with the aspect of the other person most likely not realizing or understanding the INFJs inner strength, and possibly the fact that we usually hold firmly to our thoughts and principles, that miscalculating that, on their part, or even their lack of thought or concern for it, can definitely bring out the undesirable sides of ourselfs. It is so true though, as you stated, that learning to integrate the healthy boundaries and becoming comfortable with that, is a key part of creating a healthy balance ⚖️🤘
You are sweet. And the way you explain anger sweetly. I learnt from a cousin- talk- instead of get angry. INFJ MAN
It took me 6 months before I popped my cap and when I did, it was on my supervisor. Instead of firing me or writing me up he actually apologized!
Thanks wenzes! I have rarely been able to talk about this and when I do.... The other person doesn't understand.
You are in the right place to learn best practices for these situations - hope you are tuned into her weekly uploads and if you're new Welcome to the Epic INFJ community!
I can't believe how much I have learned about myself and have forgiven myself for past behavior ..Thank you so much for your awesome counseling
As a child my mom always told me to be careful with my words because I seems to hit where it hurts.
As an INFJ I finally understand now
Unconscious angry reaction weapon against both but conscious anger reaction oh my my that's Celestial
INFJ male here: You hit the nail on the head that is exactly what happens to be and I couldn't have put it better.
Always said that I am like the volcano with an EXTREMELY long fuse! My kids often called me "Vesuvius", wiping out everything in my path! And, then I feel so crappy after I've calmed down.
When I started audio recording arguments I had with others, I realized how distorted my memories were. I “remembered” myself acting like an angry monster, making demands and throwing insults, being cruel and manipulative. But when I listened to the recording, there I was... rational, angry but in control, communicating effectively and with respect. I realized that the other persons reaction to me was NOT an accurate mirror of my behavior or character.
How is this different from being passive aggressive, saving up postage stamps of anger then loosing the volcano on people, blindsiding them? EVERY personality type has tendencies we need to work on by studying the matter and modifying our behavior, and quite possibly by a few therapy sessions. Maybe passive aggression is the INFJ issue. It's horrifying and shocking to be hit with a formerly invisible volcano because we realize (while bleeding on the ground) that we don't know you at all. There's a very dark side to you that is dangerous, we suddenly realize. We don't know you at all. We all have a responsibility to get some therapy so we don't emit ruthless rage out of nowhere, verbally slicing and dicing someone after giving them the impression we are loving, gentle, and caring - only to kick them right in their most tender emotional areas.
The INFJ wants you to be as sensitive and aware of their needs as they are of yours. They also expect you to pick up on their values and character from the way they treat you. They just want to be treated kindly and with respect like everyone else.
At least for me it takes a LOT for me to get to the point of expressing anger. I can overlook a lot giving others the benefit of the doubt. That’s different from passive aggressiveness which is suppressing anger and doling out sneaky consequences without taking responsibility and then sometimes gaslighting the recipient. At least for me, that’s just low and not the way I deal with frustration.
The INFJ is waiting for the chance to excuse all the hurts from some magical explanation or sincere apology. When it’s clear that isn’t going to happen or we are insulted and treated wrongly for too long, that’s when we surprise even ourselves. It’s not malicious.
I don't think this is applicable to the cognitive INFJ but rather other facets of personality (ie such traits as assertiveness, emotional regulation etc) as opposed to cognition per se. Sure, being a certain cognitive type may predispose you to be more likely to be assertive etc but this will be contingent upon a multiplicity of factors. The actual cognitive INFJs I know, which is few, like the logical Ni-Ti beasts they are (not in a derogatory way) and owing to their logically abstract disposition tend be very stoic & not particularly concerned about interpersonal harmony or feelings unless they're put in the context of a confrontational situation, in which case they tend to retreat back into Ni-Ti at the first sign of discomfort. There's a tendency in the MBTI community to portray the INFJ as a kind of emotionally sensitive empath which just isn't the case; they're primarily abstract rationalists hence why most people are mistyped. What Wenzes is discussing here is much more generically applicable as we all, on some level want our emotional needs to be reciprocated (we all think and feel irrespective of cognitive type) from an ISFP cognitive standpoint, no disrespect.
Even though I’m 70 1/2, I really appreciate feeling validated. I’ve watched only 5 of your vids and I’m blown away by your accuracy. 🙏🏼🤗
It can be the worst when you cut someone to the core, then get hit with instant regret.
i’ve always known i was an infj but this video is really speaking to me on a different level because recently someone pushed me too far and i got truly angry. my first serious relationship just ended and i was blaming myself for wanting to have deep conversations, for analyzing us so we could understand each other and grow together, for having different introverted hobbies, and basically just being myself around her. i was my true neurodivergent, queer, introverted self around her and she told me she loved me. then i was truly vulnerable and she ghosted me, after almost a year of trusting her the second i was my most vulnerable she left me. and at first i tried to fix it, i asked what i did wrong and did everything she asked of me. but she didn’t do anything in return. she partied, ignored, and later i would realized lied to me for three weeks before i reached my breaking point. i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because i loved her, she was my first healthy relationship, or so i thought. it came crashing down when i couldn’t handle being ignored and judged for being myself anymore. i let out my frustration, i cried and screamed. and afterwards i felt so guilty because i made her uncomfortable even though she had done that to me for weeks. she then told me she lied to me and that was it, i was furious. with her and myself. she promised to never lie and yet when i saw the signs that she had i pushed them away. she left me when she didn’t need me anymore. she was a runaway with no money or house. i let her into my family, we loved and cherished her. then the second she didn’t need money or shelter she lied and left me. i’m less angry with the situation now and surprisingly i’ve moved on fairly quickly because she showed me who she was and i want no part of it. it’s sad though, my first real consensual relationship gone up in flames. this is all to say that this video is hitting the nail in the coffin. i think i just needed to vent now that i’ve read this but thank you for an outlet to do so.
i learned young how dangerous my full rage could get. so i shut down and embrace a form of apathy. meaning complete control or as close to it as i can get. and if it gets too bad i get away from anyone.
When in someone's (family, or..) presence who says or does something mean or says something snarky to me because of their pain, I'm initially shocked actually, and my nervous system goes into fight or flight, then I suppress a reaction. I may walk away, but I don't see a point of addressing them in moment, especially repeat offenders. Yep, then later I'm so 😠 😡 angry.
The struggle is real. I like how you said people are drowning in their stuff.
The more regulated my own nervous system is, the easier it is. They don't have an opening.... Does that make sense? It's like dogs sensing when you have fear, right? Thanks for a perfect post!!! Spot on.
Christ I have scared myself with my anger. Not being frustrated, genuine anger.
I do my best to control it these days because frankly when I'm truly mad I look & sound like the kind of person that could seriously hurt someone. I wouldn't at all, more likely to do something dumb that hurts myself. But I'm self-aware enough to know what it looks like.
Growing up my mom triggered me and crossed my boundaries so many times that I've somewhat emotionally doorslammed her. Its so sad, our relationship has been suffering for years and on my end its because I've turned off some of my empathy for her to protect myself from the guilt when she inevitably sets me off.
Wow. Had never put it in that context of the anger is a part of my identity. As you basically stated I've always treated it as some separate part of myself because I don't like associating with that feeling. As I've gotten older though I have learned to set boundaries and to speak my mind in the moment more often so that I don't have to get to the extreme moments of rage. Just never really looked at it from the perspective youve given here! Thank you so much for your wisdom!
You go on giving people space and keep quiet in all circumstances and you can have a look at their true personality
Just perfect, can't think right now, so that's all I can say...
For most of life I thought I don't get angry at all, the only time that I trully experienced a great deal of anger is when I finally realised that my narcissistic friend had crossed the line, Clearly! It took me over a year of suffering until she did something that was clearly not ok that I snapped and spoke about it, she completely denied everything but I was done with her, we never spoke since then and I know I hurted her because she didn't see that coming, I was too nice and had unclear boundaries, I keep being reminded that I need to work on my boundaries and I will now, thank you for understanding us and describing how we feel and think, that is immensely helpful, thank you!
Do I tend to suppress my anger? Yes. More so nowadays than earlier in my life. Yet, when something has to be said by someone, and that someone is me, I have this tendency to say the things everyone else has been afraid to say. When it happens, I sound like a drill sergeant or tough dad chewing out some punk and putting them in their place. Then, it's back to being the quiet guy that keeps to himself. I've been told that I "lead from the back of the pack". By the way, I'm a day late watching and commenting on this video due to me taking a class for upgrade training. Thanks for an insightful video.
I get angry at my siblings when they criticize a comment I made and when I get angry and express myself I get ignored. I walk away and take a walk. I give them the ignoring routine where I refuse to communicate. I walk away from their attitudes. I feel relieved 😌
Amazing video! I feel the same about other feelings too, like sadness, suppress it and then have outbursts!
Wow. This definitely hit the point. I still don't consider myself as an INFJ (too many differencies), but this anger-thing is so accurate it's scary. Just a few weeks ago I got angry to a person I've been working with on a project, and even if I suppressed myself pretty well (no cursing, no shouting, no personal insults, just talking about the subject we were on and trying to explain her why I did think as I did), she sensed the amount of my anger so deep she told me I should go to a psychiatrist. In her opinion anger is a useless thing everybody should get rid of totally. Well, I have talked about my anger to a psychiatrist years ago, after a burn out and some panic attacs, and they were way more worried about my capability to set my own boundaries and how to keep them. I've been trying to get rid of that project for some months now, but for some reason this person wants to continue and even extend it with me, despite the fact that I've been telling her several times and in several ways why I'm not the right person for it, and that I don't have time for it anymore. Maybe I have just been too polite in choosing my words. And yes, when we started co-working (a year and a half ago) I was exited about it, because I didn't know enough about it, and probably said "yes" too many times too easily. But anyway, it's really relieving to hear that my anger is not a deadly fault in me or a problem I should deal with to prevent causing harm to other people, but it can be an acceptable part of my personality.
I mastered being assertive from a young age but I have trouble dealing with their denial afterwards and I loose it🤬
Narcissists tried to get under my skin constantly. I kept my facade, which made them so furious, bcs I wasn't controllable. But I struggle to finde a way to deal with being angry from time to time. I started with buying a punchig bag. It first felt odd to box but it's getting better.
This video helped me out so much it made me realis that's not okay to be treated in certain ways and it's not okay to allow myself to be treated in certain ways. Thank you so much! I appreciate you.
Can confirm.
I have absolutely decimated a few people and cut them down to a hollow shell of a person.
This has only happened maybe 7 times in my life and it has always changed the persons life/personality afterwards.
It made me feel miserable realizing I have this type of mental power over people. Got into anger management and it has helped significantly with setting boundaries before rage
I actually feel that if it gets to the point where I have to express my anger, I've failed. I should have either detached from that relationship (the door slam) or at least put them in their place earlier. I totally understand the guilt feeling when the anger comes in, and for me, it's because I feel there was something I should have been able to do before that point that would have prevented that. A little clap back is a good thing, it puts the situation in perspective before it gets out of hand.
I’m always worried I will sound petty or be acting wrongly by clapping back too early.
This is so timely! Holidays with my current ( any have been problematic tbh )partner are always tricky because our needs are so different and after the first few days l feel my energy drop and self hate increases. This time though, because I’m following your advice in other ways, I’m sick of being typecast as overly sensitive and l really let my anger out and she was so shocked. All the feelings that you mentioned came up so I had been struggling to repair my self worth.
Thank you so much for your help! 🙏😊🙏
I appreciate all this high quality that your putting out there for free, man being assertive has always been an issue for me until the very last moment and then like you said, people get literally scared like who tf is this! You had this in you the whole time? Holy shit! And then boom, they back off completely lol but if I would just set the boundaries from the jump I would gain so much respect and admiration from those ppl. Thank you🗣💪💚
This is super accurate.
So my decision to break our so-called friendship was right, it took months but now I understand we are both hurting. And one of us just wasn't comfortable with some situation we are in.
I wish I would have found you years ago. Thank you for your content
im an infj and thats the reason i hate being angry in the first place. i get intimidated by myself .
Bullies are tanks. You don't stop a tank by raising one finger!
Thank you I found you! I feel like there're people understand me ! just last month after a long time of giving my all to my work I quietly in one night finishing 10 pages of resign letter and just like that left the job! the boss was so shock, begged me to stay and I just do not bother. Still I feel tired, happy for a moment and all kind of mixed emotion afterward. I did my beyond my best, talked to the boss yet still had to end up with that freaking letter.. very dissappointed that I had to release all of that.
Definitely a feast for thought ... God bless 😇🙏
I have never heard this stuff before. It explains so much of my personal experience. Thank you!!!
Ahhh... The INFJ "Nuke".
It's a nice gear to have available, a good arrow to have in one's quiver.
Actually learning this from introspection and evaluation of my relationships, 🙏🏼 appreciate this reaffirming I’m currently on a path to growth
Great vid. Addressing my current struggle in my family. Thanks for giving me a viable game plan
This is a whole different category than anger. Get mad, get mad, so what. What we fear perhaps in ourselves, and think exists in others tho it may not, is what we can accomplish in moments when cold, ruthless rage surfaces. By all means, learn to set the boundaries and expectations sooner. We know what we are capable of. All bite, no bark.
Wow, this video related to my question over my past relationship.
I always thinking if I am too much for being angry and impatient or too pushy.
I feel I'm getting better at this while working on my enterprise that expresses my greatest values and hopes. And learned to do better affirmations on this. It's good advice though. I have to think about it. I think I've started doing it naturally since taking on this identity more. Since being willing to wear my identity more.
I was in a relationship with an infj- he was disrespectful to his mother, me and his father. If you called him out he would say he’s the person always right. I always walked out during his bad behavior because I didn’t want to blow up and freak out. Disrespectful
Crazy part is he was so enthralled with being a dad and then left. His parents would force paternity testing and after our baby was born I left him off the birth certificate. He didn’t show up for birth and avoided being a dad. Infj not kindness
Your videos are really helping me. They (might) even save my marriage - maybe...
I take a lot from people but there comes a time when I've had enough. When this happens I go off quietly and meditate about it.
I want to put everything in perspective and find the best way to deal with it.
It's funny how people think I'm a pushover because I like to be fair.
But when I'm done, I'm done.
The reactions are invariably shock, or respect.
I had an outburst in H.S true story,😢 in 2005 my school thought there was an active shooter on the main campus, there never was it was me having a meltdown and the gun shot noise was me going super Saiyan on 30 lockers bare knuckles only, and then I passed out, they said they saw me on camera turn into hulk on 30 lockers and they were counting by the way 😂 and then saw me face plant at the last one, and then my wrestling coaches bomb rushed me, I was 220lbs State qualify wrestler from a Hick town in Missouri 😅 I was diagnosed @34y/o w/ Autism and INFJ/Super Empathetic
Boundaries INFJs! Boundaries!
Great insights thank you
Well my anger I can control but I destroy egos with my look and energy. I have learned to speak in a respectful manner tone where people freak out and even alphas. I am so good at it that I don’t even know until after that I was heated and angry that just my energy scares all. When I feel am being attacked it happens even though they were not attacking me as it doesn’t register with me until after the energy I gave out comes out. I definitely show others a different side of me when it happens and they get scared and not to cross me. I think before I do where I use to do before I think.
As a teenager I attended anger management classes where they taught alternative methods of how to problem solve with logic, reason and less emotional response. I thought I was done and won. damn. Great videos btw and thanks.
PLEASE address being an INFJ who's been bullied for *m a n y* years.
I stood up to my bully and it was very, clearly the right thing to do. A "triangulated" friend was present ( stood up for the bully) and both friendships ended when I called out the bully.
Disappointed in that so-called friend.
When I was a little over eighteen I was pushed over the edge when my best friends brother vandalized my bike I snapped and pushed him on the concrete and began pounding him and smashing his head on the concrete. I was in an absolute blind rage. Then came the moment I realized I could end up in prison if I continued I swore I would never fight again no matter what and it's been a lifetime battle to contain that rage. 😞
i did manage to integrated by dark side and anger after exploded though and after cutting off and being ruthless to so many Narcissistic ex friends though. I didn't have the understanding nor the consciousness before the RAGE. it could not be helped and i hoped it didn't have to go that far,but it is done, all hell breaks loose, and it is fine,. it was meant to happen, could not wish for a better outcome actually, despite of all the uncomfortable feelings and fear i managed to spread to ex friends.