What I don’t understand is how someone can get so defensive towards someone who they have no emotional connection to. Like a roommate. Does that not suggest they maybe care what the other person thinks at some level? Of so then why would they take things so personally? I agree that the defensiveness comes from basically voicing what they already are aware is some kind of lapse in responsibility. My roommate has this ego defensiveness to the point where we can’t have a single conversation.
Oy - those are the toughest conversations. All you can do is draw your boundaries and take action when they're not met. It's important to feel empowered and not like a victim with your roommate. Sending much love and patience!
@@LoneStarStinger OMG - brilliant idea! I did an episode (that's dropping next week, I think) about getting out of a victim mindset and now I think I need to do one to start the new year on how to have an empowered mindset! You rock! I'm putting this to the front of my queue - thank you!!
And on the flip side, how can they lose their daughter or their spouse or their friend rather than just say ''yeh,, i do regret saying that'' or ''I wish I hadn't done that''. I say sorry to my daughter and it's a super power. She knows that her experience of me is something that I can react to.
Love love love this one!!!! I’d love to see more videos about negative cycles in relationships, cheating, and blame shifting! You’re doing amazing things for everyone! Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and caring heart
I’m in a relationship where my partner is always defensive. I can’t ask her diff questions, if I make a statement without facts or an opinion that is take no bearing on my responsibility. When I get angry I need to be mindful and I need to hold back and not speak up. It’s always a focus on why I say what I say or do what I do.
What's your opinion on having "no defensiveness" as a boundary? I have someone who reacts (not responds, but reacts) with defensiveness, attacks, victimhood, gaslighting, etc and the thing that bothers me most is the defensiveness. I was considering telling her that I have a boundary where I won't continue the conversation if I express a feeling or need (using I statements, talking respectfully, etc) and it's met with defensiveness instead of listening. I was wondering what your thoughts are about having that as a boundary and if so, if I should state it out loud or just kinda enforce it quietly? I am digging the advice about being accountable for my delivery, and in my other, healthy relationships I feel we both already talk with mutual interest and love for each other. This person, however, I think I'm at a point where I would be resentful if I continue to put 150% effort in my delivery and my responses which I feel are loving and respectful, but not seeing effort back from them treating me kindly or hearing me out.
Love all of this! Yes, what a wonderful boundary. I would explain what defensiveness is (rebutting, anger, explaining, etc) and be clear about what you do want (listening like you're wrong, openness, asking thoughtful questions to better understand, etc). Definitely let people know your boundary out loud and start with love: "I want to have a healthy, connected relationship with you but am having trouble with your reactions when I share something. Here's what I need... You've got this!
I like that. Unfortunately my mother's boundary is ''NO attempt to communicate your experience of me to me'' so if she's hurting me (which she is) then I can't raise it. I can't ask her to stop, if I do I'm ''aggressive'' and I've hurt *her*
You have completely made my day. Please know I truly love you too - glad we're connected (and let me know if there's a topic you'd like me to talk about in the future). Sending a huge hug!
I’m a bit confused.. several times I heard you use sneaky and unconscious as adjectives that seemed to be synonymous or similar; and I’m not sure that is your intention .. these were around types of behavior that confuses the attempts to communicate, often rendering your exchange more harmful than productive. Given the difficulty of accepting someone may be intentionally shutting down all communication, I would appreciate you speaking more clearly to distinguish the circumstances in which being defensive arises between people of good will and :( when it is not - this responses being used with the intention not to communicate.. thank you
I have question for you over affairs what affair would mybe . Is this What my type of affair would be texting and meeting up and holding hands and kissing and hugging and watching films without no no no sex? what type of affair would it be? 1 emotional affair 2 physical affair without no no sex 3 romantic friendship. 4 emotional and physical affair without having no sex.
I don't understand how you hate me so much but keep looking at my FREE content and complaining. Again, please take your anger at the world and move on. I wish you well but so please move on.
I searched ‘neutralizing defensiveness’ and listened to your podcast (as well as others). I agree with the previous comment. Your defensiveness to that comment surprised me. It’s an opportunity for you to review and hopefully improve your presentation. The sing-song voice and mindless chatter required endurance to ferret out meaningful content. Objective feedback is a learning opportunity
What I don’t understand is how someone can get so defensive towards someone who they have no emotional connection to. Like a roommate. Does that not suggest they maybe care what the other person thinks at some level? Of so then why would they take things so personally? I agree that the defensiveness comes from basically voicing what they already are aware is some kind of lapse in responsibility. My roommate has this ego defensiveness to the point where we can’t have a single conversation.
Oy - those are the toughest conversations. All you can do is draw your boundaries and take action when they're not met. It's important to feel empowered and not like a victim with your roommate. Sending much love and patience!
@@AbbyMedcalfThriving That would be a great video topic. How to be in an empowered mindset instead of in a victimized one.
@@LoneStarStinger OMG - brilliant idea! I did an episode (that's dropping next week, I think) about getting out of a victim mindset and now I think I need to do one to start the new year on how to have an empowered mindset! You rock! I'm putting this to the front of my queue - thank you!!
And on the flip side, how can they lose their daughter or their spouse or their friend rather than just say ''yeh,, i do regret saying that'' or ''I wish I hadn't done that''. I say sorry to my daughter and it's a super power. She knows that her experience of me is something that I can react to.
Love love love this one!!!! I’d love to see more videos about negative cycles in relationships, cheating, and blame shifting! You’re doing amazing things for everyone! Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and caring heart
Thank you -- I'm so glad that you like this video! And thank you for the topic suggestions. I'm adding them to my list for future episodes. ❤️
I’m in a relationship where my partner is always defensive. I can’t ask her diff questions, if I make a statement without facts or an opinion that is take no bearing on my responsibility. When I get angry I need to be mindful and I need to hold back and not speak up. It’s always a focus on why I say what I say or do what I do.
What's your opinion on having "no defensiveness" as a boundary? I have someone who reacts (not responds, but reacts) with defensiveness, attacks, victimhood, gaslighting, etc and the thing that bothers me most is the defensiveness. I was considering telling her that I have a boundary where I won't continue the conversation if I express a feeling or need (using I statements, talking respectfully, etc) and it's met with defensiveness instead of listening. I was wondering what your thoughts are about having that as a boundary and if so, if I should state it out loud or just kinda enforce it quietly? I am digging the advice about being accountable for my delivery, and in my other, healthy relationships I feel we both already talk with mutual interest and love for each other. This person, however, I think I'm at a point where I would be resentful if I continue to put 150% effort in my delivery and my responses which I feel are loving and respectful, but not seeing effort back from them treating me kindly or hearing me out.
Love all of this! Yes, what a wonderful boundary. I would explain what defensiveness is (rebutting, anger, explaining, etc) and be clear about what you do want (listening like you're wrong, openness, asking thoughtful questions to better understand, etc). Definitely let people know your boundary out loud and start with love: "I want to have a healthy, connected relationship with you but am having trouble with your reactions when I share something. Here's what I need... You've got this!
@@AbbyMedcalfThriving wow thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. That is very helpful. I am excited to give it a try.
I like that. Unfortunately my mother's boundary is ''NO attempt to communicate your experience of me to me'' so if she's hurting me (which she is) then I can't raise it. I can't ask her to stop, if I do I'm ''aggressive'' and I've hurt *her*
Great descriptions on defensiveness.
Love you, you are amazing ❤
You have completely made my day. Please know I truly love you too - glad we're connected (and let me know if there's a topic you'd like me to talk about in the future). Sending a huge hug!
Yep
You ramble alot without making your point
Tell me how not what
Bob is fine but you have to try and say it how Mr Bean (Rowan Atkinson) says it.
I’m a bit confused.. several times I heard you use sneaky and unconscious as adjectives that seemed to be synonymous or similar; and I’m not sure that is your intention .. these were around types of behavior that confuses the attempts to communicate, often rendering your exchange more harmful than productive. Given the difficulty of accepting someone may be intentionally shutting down all communication, I would appreciate you speaking more clearly to distinguish the circumstances in which being defensive arises between people of good will and :( when it is not - this responses being used with the intention not to communicate.. thank you
After over 2 1/2 minutes of not getting to the point I just went to another video.
I have question for you over affairs what affair would mybe .
Is this What my type of affair would be texting and meeting up and holding hands and kissing and hugging and watching films without no no no sex? what type of affair would it be?
1 emotional affair
2 physical affair without no no sex
3 romantic friendship.
4 emotional and physical affair without having no sex.
Just a lot of talk with bo points made
Tell me HOW to Deal with a defensive person HOW HOW HOW
Stop bragging and get to your content. We dont have time for you to go on and on. Btw...there is no way to stop narcicisstic defensiveness.
I don't understand how you hate me so much but keep looking at my FREE content and complaining. Again, please take your anger at the world and move on. I wish you well but so please move on.
I searched ‘neutralizing defensiveness’ and listened to your podcast (as well as others). I agree with the previous comment. Your defensiveness to that comment surprised me. It’s an opportunity for you to review and hopefully improve your presentation. The sing-song voice and mindless chatter required endurance to ferret out meaningful content. Objective feedback is a learning opportunity