Thank you! I really needed this reminder today. I know that this is a better way to teach my daughter. I was raised by parents that both physically and mentally abused me when I didn’t do something that they liked; like most people my age. It takes a lot of love for my child to stop my natural reactions taught by my parents and redirect myself and my daughter instead. Most days everything goes fine. Every once in a while she wakes up in a bad mood though and I have to breathe and not take it personally. I find that helps a lot for the day. I have to be relaxed, calm, and loving if I want her to be that way.😊
Thank you - this truly means a lot to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. It can be so tough to try and break some of those patterns, for so many reasons. I think the more we can learn and practice, the better our relationships will be, which is ultimately what we all want.
I 💯% relate to this!! My son says he doesn’t know when I try to figure out the root of the issue. I could literally go through suggestions and he will still “Not know.” I also can relate to the discipline thing on how you were raised and what comes naturally for me as well. It’s definitely a daily choice to have some deep self control.
I relate too, in fact I think it’s the hardest part of parenting today. Sooo challenging for us parents to unlearn, practice a new way and keep it all in check real time. Solidarity in our mission to have better parenting skills than our parents had
I just started therapy today for help with regulating my own emotions and unlearning some things that I grew up experiencing....anyway....I'm going to be doing EDMR therapy... To revisit past trauma and reprocess the experience in the right way.... I hope this helps if anyone is trying to clean up their end of the street 🧡
Growing up the only problem solving technique that was used on me was getting really beaten. Having to raise a child with ADD is extremely hard because you have to tell them the same thing over and over and still get the same results. I feel helpless and clueless at times.
Yes, ideas about punishment and discipline have definitely changed over time. You are absolutely right though, it can feel helpless trying to parent/raise a child with ADHD as it can often feel like nothing’s working or getting better. Finding the right support for you and your family is so important, both for kids with ADHD and for their parents. It’s a journey for sure.
I was ADHD kid and ended up as a teacher of preschool for a few years. You are right! I had the same 5 kids with ADD disprupting the class and I sat them by the blackboard with humour until the end of the class and during breaktime I repeated the song we were learning in class. They loved the extra attention. Also add kids love games like dancing to music and stopping like a statue when you stop the music. It gets rid of extra energy.
I have been ADD diagnosed and treated for a couple of decades now and I have a 10-year-old that is diagnosed ADD and I take issue with the idea of rewarding her disruptive, defiant behavior by showering her with extra attention and activities she enjoys. I am sincerely curious what you meant by sitting the kids by the blackboard with humor 🤔 Forgive me if I’ve missed something I should know!
Hi! Your post interest me bc you’ve taught preschool. My four year attends preschool and has received negative marks daily for; hitting, not listening, running around…the list goes on and on. I’m not sure what to do we’re only a month into school and the teacher won’t email or call me back. I know he’s difficult but I fear he’s unliked and he can sense it. BUT I have no way of knowing that, it’s just my fear. Anyway any tips for how to address his behavior once he gets home or anything I could suggest to the teacher
@@tammyanderson2372my 5 y/o granddaughter is having the exact problems in kindergarten. Mom, Dad and stepmom have all decided that yelling, shaming, and whippings are the “only thing she understands”. I see their frustration, as I’ve been there with my daughter. ADHD and autism runs on both sides of my granddaughters family. Me trying to give feedback, away from my granddaughter, of my observations of 4 generations on my side alone, are taken as criticism and “taking up for my granddaughter”. My heart hurts for all of them, but especially for my granddaughter. Having to witness her reprimands just brings back all the vivid memories up to present day. ❤️🩹 Praying God can bring things to light that can be heard and seen and wisdom and understanding.
@@tammyanderson2372I’m so sorry to hear that same happened to me with my 4yr old I just decided to pull her out bc the teacher kept complaining and telling me that nobody likes her at school. I can’t imagine that’s pleasant even for my daughter. I’m curious to know what you have tried and has it improved? Thanks
Thanks for sharing. Very informative. My 4yr flips out when he can’t do something and it goes as far as to hit his face and try and scratch himself and will destroy whatever he’s trying
Thank YOU for sharing and commenting 😊 I’m happy to hear you found it helpful. Sometimes a new perspective (or even a reminder of different ways) can make all the difference.
Yes, I suspect that is very similar to what we are experiencing. I am planning on meeting with our son’s doctor to discuss medication. I am hopeful it will allow me to be a parent and not the warden at least most of the time.
Executive function deficit and lack of self awareness. Is the cause. And symptom of adhd that leads to this. The trick is finding out how to help despite that.
But YOU “know why she’s doing it” so if you tell her I understand what you felt and why you did that, but how about trying this better option instead. This works with my son.
She is not suggesting that you ask your child why they are acting out. She is suggesting that you know your child well enough to guess, put it out there, and see if that makes sense. Like, if you feel they have been overstimulated, then asking your child would it make you feel better if we could sit down and read a book together in your room?
Great question! This would be a good topic for a future video. Trying to get to know what works best for each student, and what doesn’t, is a great place to start. I’d also say trying to have the mindset that everyone is doing the best they can with the skills they have. That way, we’re not making judgments about why someone is doing something in a certain way or how something should be for someone.
You must be such a nice mom!!❤️❤️❤️ I pray I can be kinder and more patient with my children. I don’t think mine have adhd, but all kids have problems with learning obedience I think.
Well, thank you 💕 Having my training is helpful, and I can assure you I am also a human and make mistakes too. Yes - all kids struggle with listening and obedience to some extent. The stat for how often a typical kid follows directions is about 60% of the time, which may not seem that great haha. So, although it can be super frustrating, it's normal for kids to not listen sometimes.
When I do ask or guess his need, and I get it wrong it just makes him more upset. So I find it difficult for both of us to understand what we both want. I appreciate your help and insight.
Yeah, that's tough. It sounds like it kind of adds fuel to the fire for him. Sometimes for those moments that get really emotional (for kids or parents or both), it's good to just take a pause and revisit when things have cooled off. When things aren't as emotional, it's easier to come up with more logical solutions.
Our son is 16 and becoming very verbally abusive. He damages the property and we just don't know how to deal with him. It feels like he is absolutely ruling out house. Rules and boundaries don't seem to work but if you try to talk to him or be more softer he will absolutely walk all over you. It's so tough for all of us. We feel so helpless.
Yes my daughter gets extremely more upset with me or dad when we ask her what's upset or if we mention her being tired. She loses control more . Crying slashing around. My daughter is 6 yrs old . I believe she may have ADD or A DHD . I feel like she walks on me and when I've tried last few weeks to be more self aware myself and follow through with punishment it's not helping
When you've specified rules and boundaries, around damaging property, have you tried to suggest solutions as well? Like if hes trying to get anger or some emotion out,maybe he'd be interested in an activity such as boxing, martial arts or karate? Or even a sport? If he's not already involved in one anyways lol @zarakolasinska3438
My son has been having a problem with stealing things from school and rummaging through my wife's things and taking them. He is also lying a lot. We are really getting fed up and don't know what to do. Ou relationship with him is NOT good at the moment. What do you suggest
This is too soft and will only cause them major confusion and trouble in the real world! It happened to me! A.D.D amd A.D.H.D kids need to have the concept of authority, right from wrong, and respect instilled in them!! There are also many protocols that can be placed to minimize the ADD or ADHD symptoms!! The approach to raising healthy productive moral humans is very comperhensive and its not a one size fits all!
Exactly as a mom with combined ADHD and I have 2 ADHD kids and a husband with ADHD. There are consequences to your actions unless you have something extreme. You should never treat it as a disability but a super power. I'm one of the most productive people I know and it's because I have ADHD and OCD. But I got in a lot of trouble when I was younger. And ended up in mental hospitals and juvie. I wasn't diagnosed till 24 because I was determined to find out why I was different. My diagnosis won't clear my record. So no I will not be a friend to my child but a mentor and someone to inspire my child. I prefer the clean up method. Make them clean their mess. Or help someone if they do something wrong.
I was raised like that. For me - I am not saying this is true for everyone and have no intention of judging anyone here, we are all doing our very best! - for me, the lesson I got was shame. I'm not good enough, I need to "smarten up" or "just focus" or just do things I hate all the time out of obligation. I couldn't. So I'm not a good human being and I walk around in deep shame for my failures. I like the analogy of someone being mad at me because I'm not tall enough. I hear "Just get it from the shelf" said with exasperation. But I can't reach, is that my fault? Why is it so wrong that I need a step stool? I understand and respect authority. I am deeply moral. I understand consequences. None of that has anything to do with whether I can reach that shelf.
I need to get my 3.5 year old son to preschool. It's a struggle. He used to go with my wife till mid December 2023. First 2 weeks were good, now it's a struggle most of the time. He wants my wife to dress him and does not take no for an answer. I tried timers, rewards after, forcing to dress him. Funny enough when my wife dresses him, he sometimes wants me to do it.
Toddlers and preschoolers can be so tricky sometimes! Staying consistent with what you say and do, especially after a change in the norm can be really important. If things are still persisting and difficult a month into a change, then it might be time to reach out to someone like your pediatrician for more individualized guidance. I have toddler separation anxiety video that might be helpful if you have seen it yet: ua-cam.com/video/2bHdcxcn5vY/v-deo.htmlsi=AOaS1S8ht2lREnX-
Read “playful parenting” if you can! It’s full of genius ways to help get kids to do what we need them to do without the struggles - works particularly well for toddlers and young kids
Our daughter was not independent with dressing until the end of kindergarten. My husband used to really stress about it. I knew she'd do it in her own time and she did! She has no trouble getting herself dressed and brushing her teeth now. It's best to start the day out peacefully and lovingly - if possible. Being separated and being at school is stressful enough - especially for neurodivergent kids.
I had ONE elementary teacher who allowed me to work for 2-3 hours on one thing rather than transitioning every 45 minutes like the rest of the kids and my anxiety and moodiness dropped to zero. It NOT just that kids need to learn to blend in. Their differences also deserve our respect.
Even so this method makes their behavior acceptable when it isn't. No one cares if you have ADHD. I've struggled with it my whole life everyone just thought I was crazy and said I had bipolar then found out I didn't. You still have to enforce authority. I'm not my son's friend. I'm his caregiver and teacher. I agree that butt whooping doesn't work. But just letting your kid do what they want because or being wired differently. You might as well tell them they are disabled and have no repercussions to their actions.
Destructive discussion 1-> Describe what happened 2-> Describe why that was not a good idea 3-> Describe what should have happened 4-> Tell them what consequences they earned ROLEPLAY so they can practice the skills for proper behavior
It’s good to remember that when people are in an emotional state they are no longer in the executive state. This means words cannot be properly processed and they won’t be able to learn or properly process ANYTHING until they feel safe and are back in the executive state. Find ways to make them feel safe without using a lot of words. Short phrases only! Some kids need sensory items or a hug. Some respond to jokes or other forms of physical affection (poking, tickling, touching/pulling my ear). Even cold water is very helpful.
Nowhere in this video did she say to let kids do whatever they want. She’s teaching correction techniques that are alternatives to direct punishment. Schools often employ similar techniques when dealing with kids who struggle with behavior
Hi Dr. Jacque! First, the information from your videos are priceless and obviously you are passionate and genuinely caring about it. Your human touch is beautiful to see and it's much appreciated: helps me by leaps and bounds to understand in a loving context, to take pause and evaluate to undertake a most appropriate approach on the subject (especially that some brains are wired differently where they see square pegs with round holes implying that there's a need for a different approach, and that such people welcome understanding and support, and brings to light that regardless they are valuable and become successful in their own way). Very eye-opening indeed, thank you big time! If I may, constructively, make a suggestion: could be just me but when I watch the videos I have to close my eyes as there's too much hand movement along with zoom ins and zoom outs... or else, ironically, I find myself distracted and in difficulty of concentrating on the content at time. I know, can't please everyone, lol!! Regardless, I'll keep watching/listening to your valuable videos :)
Our 15 year old son, in grade 10, shows no motivation when it comes to school learning and tests and this is substantiated by teachers comments as a non-starter, non-self regulator and that for years now, and the results are showing. Also, I don't think my wife and I ever saw him stay seated at the diner table / restaurant for very long, since ever, though he can watch movies no problems but overall things are not at the extreme (though it's a bit more than noticeable): he's mostly calm yet present, carries conversations, has friends and his heart is at the right place. One day I tried to potentially adapt to his learning style to help him succeed at studying for a history test: although he kept asking me why knowing history was even a thing, what good it's going to do and that it was useless (therefore "that's why I'm not motivated"), a dose of my empathy and reasoning helped. As we began, first thing I did I handed him a 3 foot wood ruler. He looked at me with an intrigued and respectful smile and asked: "What's that for?" I replied: "I don't know (as I shrugged my shoulders and looking puzzled myself). You can do what you want with it." So during my reciting the history content and making the lesson interesting by adding context, he kept walking around (instead of being confined to a seat) while turning and tossing and balancing the ruler here and there almost non-stop in my office and in the next room but, surprisingly enough, he retained everything and aced his test. Everyone was surprised including himself, my wife and the teacher. When they asked him what happened he simply replied: "Dad made it fun. But I still believe that knowing history is useless." So it's a constant uphill battle punctuated with the occasional victories and insights, but you videos make it clear that not only is he valuable in many ways despite this, but so am I to him and that gives me energy to keep going. Thanks again for your invaluable content Dr. Jacque, it's making a difference :))
I genuinely appreciate you and your comment. I’m so happy to hear how you’re putting the ideas into practice and how helpful it is for you. And the constructive feedback is welcome 😊 it’s a tough balance to try to make things engaging and interesting, while also trying to make sure it’s not “too much.” Like many things, hopefully it keeps getting better with practice!
Did I completely miss the suggestions here?? I understand conceptually that there is a better way to teach and discipline a neurodivergent child but I need specifics. Vague creative ideas aren’t working in any way, shape or form.
My issue is not at home…his behavior issues are only at school. I am helpless when I get information from school that he’s throwing a tantrum in his 1st grade class
Try putting him on your lap and not allowing him to move - a kind of time out. I do this with my grandson who has ADHD and autism refuses to listen. It works for me. He has better respect and listens more now. Don't walk on egg shells around him/her as they still use psychology on you. We have a routine where he chooses his snacks and if he misbehaves, I get to eat one. This is reverse psychology and he will not play up now knowing what the consequences will be. However, it's a learning process and each child has different needs. Can only hope you find your soon xx
What about when your child takes 3 days to clean their pets bin after being told daily? Repetitively say “hey you didn’t do this yet …” and the response “ok I will” every time?
Perhaps give them a choice [ie. The bin needs cleaned. Would you rather do it this afternoon after school or this evening before you get washed up/ ready for bed], or having a dedicated day [ie. every Friday, it needs cleaned] so they can consistently mentally prepare to do it, or setting a timer and see if they can beat the time. Those are just some things that work with my kids. Hopefully, they can help you or help you generate other ideas that might work for your child!
I am a grown up with ADD and I can't get myself to do chores if I put them on a to do list. The list is so bossy (even though it is my list of things I want to have done). Reminding me that I haven't done the thing makes me feel shame and LESS likely to do it. Reframing. Let's spend an hour caring for the animals. Let's have a short play, let's check that they're healthy and fed and what else do they need? Now I'm doing it for them, not for my boss, not because I'm "supposed to", not because my list tells me to. I have managed to keep my motivation pure, and now I don't have any trouble getting it done. Yes, I'm a grownup who has to play mind games with themselves. But it does the trick for me.
@@gordonandmaggie6324 it completely depends on the person, whether the other way, or your way works for someone, thats awesome! Each are successful ways for many individuals, and no matter the age😊
Great advice, if parents have not tried being parents, this advise sounds like what parents already tried and started research and come to this! Dont disapline your child with adhd , just allow them to do what they want while trying to keep it together cause they are in control now !
Thank you for engaging in a discussion. It sounds like you were really looking for a different answer or another way to help. The sentiment here is not to allow a child with ADHD to do whatever they want, but rather consider if a punishment or consequence is the best way to teach them appropriate behaviors for each particular situation.
Need to understand that you can’t punish a diabetic child into having control of their blood sugar, and you can’t punish a neurodiverse child into behaving properly all the time.
My son was at the park yesterday and kept hitting me. He is always hungry and tired and went home and had a nap. I felt overstimulated as an adhd person myself. How do I explain this to his dad, who also has adhd? His reaction now is to scream and yell like he was when he was a child, it makes me angry and anxious about being home. How do I get his dad to stop overreacting to everything? Or is that different since he is an adult?
Similar situation here. I have ADHD and my husband has ADD. We both struggle with handling our kids’ meltdowns and yes, sometimes we (the parents) have resorted to yelling. It doesn’t feel good and obviously doesn’t help our kids, but in that moment we feel helpless to do anything else. What we needed (and what I think could help you) are learning coping mechanisms in the form of specific discipline techniques like ones taught in this video. It helps us not feel as helpless because we know what we can do in those overwhelming moments. Is it different as an adult? Yes and no. We need ways to deal with the overwhelm just like our kids do, BUT we as the adults bear the responsibility of learning how to do that. How can our kids learn it if we don’t? Watching this video is a good start, and would encourage you to watch others on this channel. You got this, Momma ❤
It’s better to be selfless and let go of one’s “selfishness.” It’s not about “you.” It’s about “them.” Deal with it. The more you give up your selfishness, the better it will be.
This approach seems fundamentally lacking. No amount of cooperative problem solving will convince someone that they had a problem in the first place. No amount of safety will convince someone they are, in fact, making mistakes. Only consequences can do that.
Thank you for watching and engaging in this discussion. I appreciate your perspective on the role of consequences in teaching and discipline. While consequences can be useful tools in certain situations, I believe it’s essential to recognize that they’re not the only solution for correcting mistakes or addressing problems. In my view and my experience working with families, a holistic approach is often more effective, especially for children with ADHD. Consequences alone may not provide the necessary guidance on what to do differently or address the underlying reasons for the behavior. For example, when addressing hitting, it’s important to teach children alternative ways to manage their feelings and impulses. To teach them *what to do instead*. For children with ADHD, it’s also crucial to understand the reasons behind their behavior. Many times, their actions are not intentional, and it’s important to approach teaching them with empathy and a focus on intentional guidance. We need to consider the unique challenges they face due to their brain wiring and be sensitive to their needs when providing guidance. I think that relying only on consequences can also sometimes strain the relationship between adults and children. It may even impact how children perceive themselves in the long term. Building nurturing and supportive relationships, alongside appropriate discipline, can lead to better outcomes and healthier self-esteem for children. We can continue this conversation and work together to find effective and compassionate ways to support children with ADHD and their development and behavior.
The beauty of psychology is no truth but theory, at no point is this a answer but OPION based treatment! Only worded that this is the answer, they never will state IN MY OPION DUE TO RESEARCH!
My experience is to add this to preventative rewards for good behavior and a daily "report card" so they earn privileges with good behavior. So the consequences of bad behavior is that they didn't earn something. Same effect from a different direction. The review of the report card is the teachable moment when they try to convince you they DID really earn it. 😅 They'll end up being really good lawyers. 😅
You don’t need to “convince” kids they have a problem. They probably already feel bad for making mistakes they are trying to learn to work on. Consequences can be natural, like, you threw the iPad, it broke, not you done have one anymore. Consequences and discipline (teaching) works, punishment does not long term.
Thank you! I really needed this reminder today. I know that this is a better way to teach my daughter. I was raised by parents that both physically and mentally abused me when I didn’t do something that they liked; like most people my age.
It takes a lot of love for my child to stop my natural reactions taught by my parents and redirect myself and my daughter instead. Most days everything goes fine. Every once in a while she wakes up in a bad mood though and I have to breathe and not take it personally. I find that helps a lot for the day. I have to be relaxed, calm, and loving if I want her to be that way.😊
Thank you - this truly means a lot to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. It can be so tough to try and break some of those patterns, for so many reasons. I think the more we can learn and practice, the better our relationships will be, which is ultimately what we all want.
I 💯% relate to this!! My son says he doesn’t know when I try to figure out the root of the issue. I could literally go through suggestions and he will still “Not know.” I also can relate to the discipline thing on how you were raised and what comes naturally for me as well. It’s definitely a daily choice to have some deep self control.
I relate too, in fact I think it’s the hardest part of parenting today. Sooo challenging for us parents to unlearn, practice a new way and keep it all in check real time. Solidarity in our mission to have better parenting skills than our parents had
I just started therapy today for help with regulating my own emotions and unlearning some things that I grew up experiencing....anyway....I'm going to be doing EDMR therapy... To revisit past trauma and reprocess the experience in the right way.... I hope this helps if anyone is trying to clean up their end of the street 🧡
Growing up the only problem solving technique that was used on me was getting really beaten. Having to raise a child with ADD is extremely hard because you have to tell them the same thing over and over and still get the same results. I feel helpless and clueless at times.
Yes, ideas about punishment and discipline have definitely changed over time. You are absolutely right though, it can feel helpless trying to parent/raise a child with ADHD as it can often feel like nothing’s working or getting better. Finding the right support for you and your family is so important, both for kids with ADHD and for their parents. It’s a journey for sure.
Fully understand, wgat your saying, 👍
You're not alone, sis. 🙏🏿
That then indicates the approach needs to be changed, if youre just trying the same thing over again and not getting the desired results
When we start looking at the cause and not the symptom, it helps everyone. Another great video!
Thanks so much for being here and watching! And yeah, figuring out what’s underneath is so important, for us and our kids ❤️
I was ADHD kid and ended up as a teacher of preschool for a few years. You are right! I had the same 5 kids with ADD disprupting the class and I sat them by the blackboard with humour until the end of the class and during breaktime I repeated the song we were learning in class. They loved the extra attention. Also add kids love games like dancing to music and stopping like a statue when you stop the music. It gets rid of extra energy.
I have been ADD diagnosed and treated for a couple of decades now and I have a 10-year-old that is diagnosed ADD and I take issue with the idea of rewarding her disruptive, defiant behavior by showering her with extra attention and activities she enjoys. I am sincerely curious what you meant by sitting the kids by the blackboard with humor 🤔 Forgive me if I’ve missed something I should know!
Hi! Your post interest me bc you’ve taught preschool. My four year attends preschool and has received negative marks daily for; hitting, not listening, running around…the list goes on and on. I’m not sure what to do we’re only a month into school and the teacher won’t email or call me back. I know he’s difficult but I fear he’s unliked and he can sense it. BUT I have no way of knowing that, it’s just my fear. Anyway any tips for how to address his behavior once he gets home or anything I could suggest to the teacher
@@tammyanderson2372my 5 y/o granddaughter is having the exact problems in kindergarten. Mom, Dad and stepmom have all decided that yelling, shaming, and whippings are the “only thing she understands”. I see their frustration, as I’ve been there with my daughter. ADHD and autism runs on both sides of my granddaughters family. Me trying to give feedback, away from my granddaughter, of my observations of 4 generations on my side alone, are taken as criticism and “taking up for my granddaughter”. My heart hurts for all of them, but especially for my granddaughter. Having to witness her reprimands just brings back all the vivid memories up to present day. ❤️🩹 Praying God can bring things to light that can be heard and seen and wisdom and understanding.
@@tammyanderson2372I’m so sorry to hear that same happened to me with my 4yr old I just decided to pull her out bc the teacher kept complaining and telling me that nobody likes her at school. I can’t imagine that’s pleasant even for my daughter. I’m curious to know what you have tried and has it improved? Thanks
Thanks for sharing. Very informative. My 4yr flips out when he can’t do something and it goes as far as to hit his face and try and scratch himself and will destroy whatever he’s trying
Thank YOU for sharing and commenting 😊 I’m happy to hear you found it helpful. Sometimes a new perspective (or even a reminder of different ways) can make all the difference.
Ive tried this with my 9 year old and its not working cause half the time she dont even known why she doing it
Yes, I suspect that is very similar to what we are experiencing. I am planning on meeting with our son’s doctor to discuss medication. I am hopeful it will allow me to be a parent and not the warden at least most of the time.
Executive function deficit and lack of self awareness. Is the cause. And symptom of adhd that leads to this. The trick is finding out how to help despite that.
But YOU “know why she’s doing it” so if you tell her I understand what you felt and why you did that, but how about trying this better option instead. This works with my son.
She is not suggesting that you ask your child why they are acting out. She is suggesting that you know your child well enough to guess, put it out there, and see if that makes sense. Like, if you feel they have been overstimulated, then asking your child would it make you feel better if we could sit down and read a book together in your room?
Ask about what was the feeling inside of you, that made you react that way, shall we figure out how I can help you feel better
I appreciate how well you explain tough subjects.
Thanks so much - I appreciate you being here!
Your advice helps me deal with my 71-year-old wife! Thank you so much.
There are some difference as kids grow. So much can be applied across the lifespan though!
Do you have advice for teachers who have a student or multiple students with these behaviors?
Great question! This would be a good topic for a future video. Trying to get to know what works best for each student, and what doesn’t, is a great place to start. I’d also say trying to have the mindset that everyone is doing the best they can with the skills they have. That way, we’re not making judgments about why someone is doing something in a certain way or how something should be for someone.
So sad we not supposed to have to raise them and teach them 😢
I love this video. Thank you
You are so welcome!
You must be such a nice mom!!❤️❤️❤️ I pray I can be kinder and more patient with my children. I don’t think mine have adhd, but all kids have problems with learning obedience I think.
Well, thank you 💕 Having my training is helpful, and I can assure you I am also a human and make mistakes too. Yes - all kids struggle with listening and obedience to some extent. The stat for how often a typical kid follows directions is about 60% of the time, which may not seem that great haha. So, although it can be super frustrating, it's normal for kids to not listen sometimes.
When I do ask or guess his need, and I get it wrong it just makes him more upset. So I find it difficult for both of us to understand what we both want. I appreciate your help and insight.
Yeah, that's tough. It sounds like it kind of adds fuel to the fire for him. Sometimes for those moments that get really emotional (for kids or parents or both), it's good to just take a pause and revisit when things have cooled off. When things aren't as emotional, it's easier to come up with more logical solutions.
Our son is 16 and becoming very verbally abusive. He damages the property and we just don't know how to deal with him. It feels like he is absolutely ruling out house. Rules and boundaries don't seem to work but if you try to talk to him or be more softer he will absolutely walk all over you. It's so tough for all of us. We feel so helpless.
Yes my daughter gets extremely more upset with me or dad when we ask her what's upset or if we mention her being tired. She loses control more . Crying slashing around. My daughter is 6 yrs old . I believe she may have ADD or A DHD . I feel like she walks on me and when I've tried last few weeks to be more self aware myself and follow through with punishment it's not helping
When you've specified rules and boundaries, around damaging property, have you tried to suggest solutions as well? Like if hes trying to get anger or some emotion out,maybe he'd be interested in an activity such as boxing, martial arts or karate? Or even a sport? If he's not already involved in one anyways lol @zarakolasinska3438
My son has been having a problem with stealing things from school and rummaging through my wife's things and taking them. He is also lying a lot. We are really getting fed up and don't know what to do. Ou relationship with him is NOT good at the moment. What do you suggest
This is too soft and will only cause them major confusion and trouble in the real world! It happened to me! A.D.D amd A.D.H.D kids need to have the concept of authority, right from wrong, and respect instilled in them!! There are also many protocols that can be placed to minimize the ADD or ADHD symptoms!!
The approach to raising healthy productive moral humans is very comperhensive and its not a one size fits all!
Exactly as a mom with combined ADHD and I have 2 ADHD kids and a husband with ADHD. There are consequences to your actions unless you have something extreme. You should never treat it as a disability but a super power. I'm one of the most productive people I know and it's because I have ADHD and OCD.
But I got in a lot of trouble when I was younger. And ended up in mental hospitals and juvie. I wasn't diagnosed till 24 because I was determined to find out why I was different.
My diagnosis won't clear my record. So no I will not be a friend to my child but a mentor and someone to inspire my child. I prefer the clean up method. Make them clean their mess. Or help someone if they do something wrong.
I was raised like that. For me - I am not saying this is true for everyone and have no intention of judging anyone here, we are all doing our very best! - for me, the lesson I got was shame. I'm not good enough, I need to "smarten up" or "just focus" or just do things I hate all the time out of obligation. I couldn't. So I'm not a good human being and I walk around in deep shame for my failures.
I like the analogy of someone being mad at me because I'm not tall enough. I hear "Just get it from the shelf" said with exasperation. But I can't reach, is that my fault? Why is it so wrong that I need a step stool?
I understand and respect authority. I am deeply moral. I understand consequences. None of that has anything to do with whether I can reach that shelf.
@@gordonandmaggie6324exactly, well said!
I need to get my 3.5 year old son to preschool.
It's a struggle.
He used to go with my wife till mid December 2023.
First 2 weeks were good, now it's a struggle most of the time.
He wants my wife to dress him and does not take no for an answer.
I tried timers, rewards after, forcing to dress him.
Funny enough when my wife dresses him, he sometimes wants me to do it.
Toddlers and preschoolers can be so tricky sometimes! Staying consistent with what you say and do, especially after a change in the norm can be really important. If things are still persisting and difficult a month into a change, then it might be time to reach out to someone like your pediatrician for more individualized guidance. I have toddler separation anxiety video that might be helpful if you have seen it yet: ua-cam.com/video/2bHdcxcn5vY/v-deo.htmlsi=AOaS1S8ht2lREnX-
Read “playful parenting” if you can! It’s full of genius ways to help get kids to do what we need them to do without the struggles - works particularly well for toddlers and young kids
3.5 year old kids are still little. If he’s 6 and can’t dress himself I would worry.
Our daughter was not independent with dressing until the end of kindergarten. My husband used to really stress about it. I knew she'd do it in her own time and she did! She has no trouble getting herself dressed and brushing her teeth now. It's best to start the day out peacefully and lovingly - if possible. Being separated and being at school is stressful enough - especially for neurodivergent kids.
Aha moment! Transitions! ❤❤❤❤thank you!
Glad it clicked for you. Hopefully it helps!
I had ONE elementary teacher who allowed me to work for 2-3 hours on one thing rather than transitioning every 45 minutes like the rest of the kids and my anxiety and moodiness dropped to zero. It NOT just that kids need to learn to blend in. Their differences also deserve our respect.
Even so this method makes their behavior acceptable when it isn't. No one cares if you have ADHD. I've struggled with it my whole life everyone just thought I was crazy and said I had bipolar then found out I didn't.
You still have to enforce authority. I'm not my son's friend. I'm his caregiver and teacher. I agree that butt whooping doesn't work. But just letting your kid do what they want because or being wired differently. You might as well tell them they are disabled and have no repercussions to their actions.
Destructive discussion
1-> Describe what happened
2-> Describe why that was not a good idea
3-> Describe what should have happened
4-> Tell them what consequences they earned
ROLEPLAY so they can practice the skills for proper behavior
It’s good to remember that when people are in an emotional state they are no longer in the executive state. This means words cannot be properly processed and they won’t be able to learn or properly process ANYTHING until they feel safe and are back in the executive state. Find ways to make them feel safe without using a lot of words. Short phrases only! Some kids need sensory items or a hug. Some respond to jokes or other forms of physical affection (poking, tickling, touching/pulling my ear). Even cold water is very helpful.
Nowhere in this video did she say to let kids do whatever they want. She’s teaching correction techniques that are alternatives to direct punishment. Schools often employ similar techniques when dealing with kids who struggle with behavior
Hi Dr. Jacque! First, the information from your videos are priceless and obviously you are passionate and genuinely caring about it. Your human touch is beautiful to see and it's much appreciated: helps me by leaps and bounds to understand in a loving context, to take pause and evaluate to undertake a most appropriate approach on the subject (especially that some brains are wired differently where they see square pegs with round holes implying that there's a need for a different approach, and that such people welcome understanding and support, and brings to light that regardless they are valuable and become successful in their own way). Very eye-opening indeed, thank you big time! If I may, constructively, make a suggestion: could be just me but when I watch the videos I have to close my eyes as there's too much hand movement along with zoom ins and zoom outs... or else, ironically, I find myself distracted and in difficulty of concentrating on the content at time. I know, can't please everyone, lol!! Regardless, I'll keep watching/listening to your valuable videos :)
Our 15 year old son, in grade 10, shows no motivation when it comes to school learning and tests and this is substantiated by teachers comments as a non-starter, non-self regulator and that for years now, and the results are showing. Also, I don't think my wife and I ever saw him stay seated at the diner table / restaurant for very long, since ever, though he can watch movies no problems but overall things are not at the extreme (though it's a bit more than noticeable): he's mostly calm yet present, carries conversations, has friends and his heart is at the right place. One day I tried to potentially adapt to his learning style to help him succeed at studying for a history test: although he kept asking me why knowing history was even a thing, what good it's going to do and that it was useless (therefore "that's why I'm not motivated"), a dose of my empathy and reasoning helped. As we began, first thing I did I handed him a 3 foot wood ruler. He looked at me with an intrigued and respectful smile and asked: "What's that for?" I replied: "I don't know (as I shrugged my shoulders and looking puzzled myself). You can do what you want with it." So during my reciting the history content and making the lesson interesting by adding context, he kept walking around (instead of being confined to a seat) while turning and tossing and balancing the ruler here and there almost non-stop in my office and in the next room but, surprisingly enough, he retained everything and aced his test. Everyone was surprised including himself, my wife and the teacher. When they asked him what happened he simply replied: "Dad made it fun. But I still believe that knowing history is useless." So it's a constant uphill battle punctuated with the occasional victories and insights, but you videos make it clear that not only is he valuable in many ways despite this, but so am I to him and that gives me energy to keep going. Thanks again for your invaluable content Dr. Jacque, it's making a difference :))
I genuinely appreciate you and your comment. I’m so happy to hear how you’re putting the ideas into practice and how helpful it is for you. And the constructive feedback is welcome 😊 it’s a tough balance to try to make things engaging and interesting, while also trying to make sure it’s not “too much.” Like many things, hopefully it keeps getting better with practice!
Also, I love this story about how “dad made it fun.” It means so much to hear stories like this. It made me tear up, and it made my day. 💚
@@DoctorJacqueThis made me tear up too.
Did I completely miss the suggestions here?? I understand conceptually that there is a better way to teach and discipline a neurodivergent child but I need specifics. Vague creative ideas aren’t working in any way, shape or form.
I know it sounds wonderfully out..but what's the strategies that ll actually work
Very helpful. I definitely need these tips.
My issue is not at home…his behavior issues are only at school. I am helpless when I get information from school that he’s throwing a tantrum in his 1st grade class
I'm going through the same thing with my daughter
Try putting him on your lap and not allowing him to move - a kind of time out. I do this with my grandson who has ADHD and autism refuses to listen. It works for me. He has better respect and listens more now. Don't walk on egg shells around him/her as they still use psychology on you. We have a routine where he chooses his snacks and if he misbehaves, I get to eat one. This is reverse psychology and he will not play up now knowing what the consequences will be. However, it's a learning process and each child has different needs. Can only hope you find your soon xx
What about when your child takes 3 days to clean their pets bin after being told daily? Repetitively say “hey you didn’t do this yet …” and the response “ok I will” every time?
Perhaps give them a choice [ie. The bin needs cleaned. Would you rather do it this afternoon after school or this evening before you get washed up/ ready for bed], or having a dedicated day [ie. every Friday, it needs cleaned] so they can consistently mentally prepare to do it, or setting a timer and see if they can beat the time. Those are just some things that work with my kids. Hopefully, they can help you or help you generate other ideas that might work for your child!
I am a grown up with ADD and I can't get myself to do chores if I put them on a to do list. The list is so bossy (even though it is my list of things I want to have done). Reminding me that I haven't done the thing makes me feel shame and LESS likely to do it.
Reframing. Let's spend an hour caring for the animals. Let's have a short play, let's check that they're healthy and fed and what else do they need?
Now I'm doing it for them, not for my boss, not because I'm "supposed to", not because my list tells me to. I have managed to keep my motivation pure, and now I don't have any trouble getting it done.
Yes, I'm a grownup who has to play mind games with themselves. But it does the trick for me.
@@gordonandmaggie6324 it completely depends on the person, whether the other way, or your way works for someone, thats awesome! Each are successful ways for many individuals, and no matter the age😊
I asked my son this very thing. He said it's because I tell him to so it instead of asking him to do it.
I needed this today I could feel myself getting frustrated 😣
Thank you
Great advice, if parents have not tried being parents, this advise sounds like what parents already tried and started research and come to this! Dont disapline your child with adhd , just allow them to do what they want while trying to keep it together cause they are in control now !
Thank you for engaging in a discussion. It sounds like you were really looking for a different answer or another way to help. The sentiment here is not to allow a child with ADHD to do whatever they want, but rather consider if a punishment or consequence is the best way to teach them appropriate behaviors for each particular situation.
Need to understand that you can’t punish a diabetic child into having control of their blood sugar, and you can’t punish a neurodiverse child into behaving properly all the time.
Thaaaaaaaank you. I needed to understand this.
Thanks for watching!
Why my ADHD kid likes to play only, running around classroom, sitting between the students, laughing and not following any rules.
My son was at the park yesterday and kept hitting me. He is always hungry and tired and went home and had a nap. I felt overstimulated as an adhd person myself. How do I explain this to his dad, who also has adhd? His reaction now is to scream and yell like he was when he was a child, it makes me angry and anxious about being home. How do I get his dad to stop overreacting to everything? Or is that different since he is an adult?
Tough situation, I don’t have an answer but wanted to acknowledge you 💕
@NovasUA-camName thank you that's all I want. There isn't much answer, really but thank you
Similar situation here. I have ADHD and my husband has ADD. We both struggle with handling our kids’ meltdowns and yes, sometimes we (the parents) have resorted to yelling. It doesn’t feel good and obviously doesn’t help our kids, but in that moment we feel helpless to do anything else. What we needed (and what I think could help you) are learning coping mechanisms in the form of specific discipline techniques like ones taught in this video. It helps us not feel as helpless because we know what we can do in those overwhelming moments.
Is it different as an adult? Yes and no. We need ways to deal with the overwhelm just like our kids do, BUT we as the adults bear the responsibility of learning how to do that. How can our kids learn it if we don’t? Watching this video is a good start, and would encourage you to watch others on this channel. You got this, Momma ❤
Thank you very much
❤
I f-ing HATE parenting 😒 I am tired.
Join the club!
Parenting is especially hard if we as children did not have good role models 😢
you should've known what you were committing to when having children 🤣🤣🤣🤣
A lot of people have no clue till it happens. Because we had crappy parents that wouldn't even look at this video.
58 yo adhd grandma. I definitely didn’t know any of this. I pray my daughter can do a better job than I did. 😢
It’s better to be selfless and let go of one’s “selfishness.” It’s not about “you.” It’s about “them.” Deal with it. The more you give up your selfishness, the better it will be.
Camera movement is distracting.
Has anyone find this helpful..it's impossible...to constantly adhere to their needs particularly when have other ekida
This approach seems fundamentally lacking. No amount of cooperative problem solving will convince someone that they had a problem in the first place. No amount of safety will convince someone they are, in fact, making mistakes. Only consequences can do that.
Thank you for watching and engaging in this discussion. I appreciate your perspective on the role of consequences in teaching and discipline. While consequences can be useful tools in certain situations, I believe it’s essential to recognize that they’re not the only solution for correcting mistakes or addressing problems.
In my view and my experience working with families, a holistic approach is often more effective, especially for children with ADHD. Consequences alone may not provide the necessary guidance on what to do differently or address the underlying reasons for the behavior. For example, when addressing hitting, it’s important to teach children alternative ways to manage their feelings and impulses. To teach them *what to do instead*.
For children with ADHD, it’s also crucial to understand the reasons behind their behavior. Many times, their actions are not intentional, and it’s important to approach teaching them with empathy and a focus on intentional guidance. We need to consider the unique challenges they face due to their brain wiring and be sensitive to their needs when providing guidance.
I think that relying only on consequences can also sometimes strain the relationship between adults and children. It may even impact how children perceive themselves in the long term. Building nurturing and supportive relationships, alongside appropriate discipline, can lead to better outcomes and healthier self-esteem for children.
We can continue this conversation and work together to find effective and compassionate ways to support children with ADHD and their development and behavior.
The beauty of psychology is no truth but theory, at no point is this a answer but OPION based treatment! Only worded that this is the answer, they never will state IN MY OPION DUE TO RESEARCH!
My experience is to add this to preventative rewards for good behavior and a daily "report card" so they earn privileges with good behavior. So the consequences of bad behavior is that they didn't earn something. Same effect from a different direction. The review of the report card is the teachable moment when they try to convince you they DID really earn it. 😅 They'll end up being really good lawyers. 😅
You don’t need to “convince” kids they have a problem. They probably already feel bad for making mistakes they are trying to learn to work on. Consequences can be natural, like, you threw the iPad, it broke, not you done have one anymore. Consequences and discipline (teaching) works, punishment does not long term.