WHY THE INFJ IS FIRST ADMIRED... BUT THEN GHOSTED
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
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INFJ Life Coach Lesson: Today, we're talking about why others put INFJs on a pedestal. You've seen this. This isn't the first time that this has happened to you. You've met somebody and they see you as this perfect image of what they would want you to be. We've seen this as something that we're proud of. We've experienced this many times, but very often, once you've been put on this pedestal, people expect you to be that version. And every single time you, as an INFJ, try to be yourself, you try to break out of that shell, what happens? People feel like you've manipulated them. They cut you off. They ghost you. They treat you really badly. And we don't know why that happened. What is the first thing INFJs do at that moment? They try to convince the other person that indeed they had no bad intentions, that they are trying their best. And it's something that we do on such a constant level, not understanding what kind of dynamic is actually happening. Why is this going on? Is it our fault? Is it something that we actually have control over? Because let's be honest, it hurts like hell. If the person has put you on a pedestal, you feel like on cloud nine and when it breaks off because it never turns out that after that you'll have a normal relationship with that person, it's always tension that is created. And it's always something that makes you feel bad.
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Have you ever experienced this? How was it for you?
more times than I can count... I've learned to just put things bluntly and just keep it real.
Happened to me Saturday. 😕
♏🔱
On point..always experienced this until i started showing the other side..lol
Yeah as a kinda smart person I was on that pedestal.. fell off and tasted the real world.. glad it's getting better even with the pandemic..
Being a smart person doesn't stop the "competition".. there is always a new things you discover and you know you can't be good at everything.. you won't have the time.. that's why human cooperate.. that has more value and sustainable.. a system with cooperation as feedback mechanism doesn't create problems it's trying to solve..
Yes. I was starting to realize what was going on many years ago, but didn't really act on it. Then it really hit home when someone, I don't know if was a conscious act or not on their part, saw that in me and attempted to use it to make me into her personal slave. The moment came where I was pushed too far, I stood up for myself, and it all blew up into a big mess. It was a painful, but immensely valuable lesson as I have come so far in my self-respect and relationships with others since then, and I'm still marveling at the feeling of real friendships.
Unfortunately, the manipulator and I still work at the same place, but the good news is that I'm able to stay away from her 99.9% of the time.
To all INFJs from a fellow INFJ,a year ago i felt lost, lonely,like no one actually liked me,like i was a burden and inconvenience without a spine or personality and looking back now all i can do is completely laugh at myself😅
As an infj, personality is the last thing you lack trust me.If anything,you have too much of it😂
You're not a burden and many people actually like you and want to be around you. You're a breath of fresh air so never diminish yourself. Learn to live with you awkwardness and weirdeness it's not something bad just.. different. The moment you stop trying to be like everyone else and stop looking for love and validation from everyone you'll start realizing how much you like yourself and enjoy your company.We dope af. Stop being so hard on yourself and actually put in the same amount of effort you put on others on yourself. You are going to be okay❤😊
In my opinion, people are impressed by our energy, they sense our calm and intuition which comes across as confidence, and confidence is attractive. Then the INFJ indulges them in conversation because we're inherently nice, and the other person sees that we're human too and suddenly the sense of mystery disappears, as it usually does whenever you put someone on a pedestal, and they're like "Nevermind", which is extremely selfish, rude and off-putting to the INFJ-- as if we're there to make them feel good! That can cause us to put up even more boundaries in the future and shun personal connections more than we already do. That's my theory anyway. It's happened to me SO many times. I don't know what it is that people expect of us! It's difficult to not become jaded over time.
Rip. just learn to not need peoples approval or love. Also realise that infjs aren't liked by all types. I used to care heaps about what people thought of me and I didn't like that so I went into isolation for about a couple years in very quiet jobs that force me to be in my head. I'd say doing that my Ti grew like crazy. Fe doesn't rule over me now its more balanced with Ti. Also if you are Jaded I'd say any Infj would get a lot out of Julien Blancs content on youtube
Thank you for sharing this - it resonates with me sooo deeply. I'm definitely jaded; I've experienced this so often that I don't even desire to make meaningful connections anymore. I have my one or two people that I trust and love deeply - other than that, my other relationships are superficial to protect myself from the pain of eventual rejection. Fortunately, I'm very happy in my solitude! I hope you find peace, too, in whatever solutions you find!
We attract broken people. We show compassion and they feel understood for maybe the first time ever. Cycle of mental health is idealize, devalue, discard. In their mind in the beginning, we are perfect but can't live up to their expectations of being perfect forever.
How i was pretty much most of my life hahaha :/
Great video :)
We do attract Narcissists...sad, but true...and other people, they don't understand, that we are, like we are. Others see us often as being arrogant, and/or procrastinating...not the deeper sense & meaning.
Exactly. Personally, i've always had and have a so called helper syndrome, perhaps therefore i had broken girlfriends, and tried to fix them into the past...but it didn't worked out into the end, for real.
More like cycle of mental illness haha!
Cycle of mental health is idolize, realize the qualities you are idealizing can be actualized within the self, actualize (aka realize those qualities you admire in the other person within yourself), then repeat!
🤪
Definitely you are too high on your infj self, Newsflash! Everybody is broken and you attract what you have not forgiven!
You all have to learn how to process your wounded feelings, because let's face it, your regular feelings have no need to process, it's the wounded ones that you avoid because they are uncomfortable, to deal with, so when they surface again remember to acknowledge and accept them with loving kindness and give them space with hospitality treat them like a parent would treat their wounded inner child, but I can guarantee you that you will not heed this advice coming from an INFP because I have found that the INFJs are the most unteachable and close-minded people in the world. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN INFJ AND YOU KNOW IT ALL!
You say that you cannot live up to others expectations of you, 🤣🤣🤣 don't you know that that is projection, because from my experience of INFJs, there is no one that expects more out of people than you, and God forbid if you don't live up to the INFJs expectations!
That's when you get the proverbial DOOR SLAM! You people, have no tolerance, for those that do not measure up, and this cycle of mental health that you claim others have upon you is actually the same as your cycle for relationship, stop looking at others and start looking within because I have noticed nothing more than this particular cycle with INFJs.
If possible, Be honest , when you enter a relationship with someone even a friend, what do you do?
I can tell you with close to a hundred percent certainty, that you idealize, devalue and discard, once you know where the relationship will end and it is not favorable to you, you will door slam! And of course do you want not tell anybody why? Especially the one you just door slammed! It is highly comical and sad. INFJs are so hopeless, because you all don't think you can make an influence in somebody's life, and you're not willing to accept people how they are and where they are in their life,it's all about you! Which is really a strange contradiction,
The INFJs are the proverbial codependent narcissists! You would cut off your nose to spite your face
But you will never see it in yourselves because of your extraverted feeling, in your cognitive functions. You see and you judge others fine because of this, but you are completely unaware of yourselves! How you are what you do how you treat others. You all live in this Grand fantasy world. Where you are always right and everybody else is always wrong. Nobody can teach you anything! It has been said that you cannot fill a cup that is already full, and I have yet to meet an infj whose cup is empty, and ready to be filled. You are all too full of yourselves.BUT HEY! I COULD BE WRONG!
Who would idolize an INFJ. We're walking contradictions.
yes but most of the time the only peoole that see that are ourselves
To me, an INFJ's dont & cant pretend just to be put on a pedastal.. infact they go out of the way to do things for their dear loved ones , only to be mistaken & rejected for wanting the pedestal.. Noo they care for you & not the Pedestal.. the rest of the world want the pedestal but not an Infj...they like to be seen, known & accepted for who they truely are which is of more value to them.. Never mind others think wrongly of you Infj.. stop stressing yourself by trying to prove your innocence...they will oneday realize that they are the loosers.. You are Precious..straighten your Crown & move on..
cocaina
Or whatever your favorite drug is. From a INTJ who also got fucked severly during childhood. Sorry just me reading between the lines and talking.
This is a personal story, so a warning for those of you who do not wish to read and can keep scrolling on UA-cam.
This video really hits hard, I always tried to be a people pleaser and would mirror people especially my old best friend. I would watch the shows they watched, use the same form of speech as them, try to match their sense of humor and energy. I did all because I felt so lonely and wanted a good friend who would stick with me for the years and actually understand and talk to me. But little by little as time went on I opened up on who I truly was as an individual and fell off that "pedestal" and the more I tried to stay on the more I kept falling off and eventually I was deeply hurt when they told me, "I don't know you anymore." By then I had realized they never knew me to begin with because they only ever saw the part of "me" which was being a mirror reflecting them onto me and I never tried to project myself as a person. The more they saw how different I was from them, the more I was being the real me, the more distant I felt they were from me and the less they tried to understand me especially when I spent so much effort and energy into trying to understand them. We eventually stopped talking, and it hurt, especially because it was five long years of friendship (it was also five long years of being a mirror), but after that I felt so free like I was able to choose who to be again and didn't have to be what they wanted me to be. I felt like I no longer had to hold onto their expectations or feel the pressure of disappointing them for being me. Sure, I will miss the fun times and I will hold onto fond memories of them, but even the good things don't last forever and it was time for me to let go so that I could go find myself again, my real self, and leave the obsession for attention and admiration behind.
Moral of the story, live to be who you want to be, not what they want you to be. I understand it will not be easy for some of us, but you got this and I have confidence that you will make it through. I also want you to always remember that there is nothing worse than living a life that isn't even yours, so go be yourself and live your life.
I thank everyone who made it this far and took the time to even read my comment. I wish all of you the best of luck! Adios, for now, mis amigos!👍
Now you can go and become a millionaire!
Well said
infj life is on hardest game mode difficulty. only god understands. we are not of this earth
The mirroring can be such an amazing power that we have but also our kryptonyte.
I function so much on my Fe when I'm with people, I always calibrate accordingly and it's not like I don't keep my opinions or values but the way I talk, like them, I mirror their energy to make them feel more Comfortable around me and I only get garbage in return. Like.. they think I'm great until I fall off the pedestal because I make mistakes like any normal human being and they can't accept that the image they had of me (which wasn't accurate to begin with) has been torn. It's so hard 😢
Thank you for sharing. The worst is you don't even know why they ghost me!! I ask my husband " what did I do??" Oh well
We just have the ability to be emotionally intelligent and can easily pick up on what others are feeling so it's easy for us to connect to others but remains difficult for most people to connect with us.
Yeah... people don't connect with us. We are just useful. It is sad.
They don't like that we can pick BS apart from truth. Makes them uncomfortable.
That's it
I've really come to understand how harmful my people pleasing ways were to myself and others. I'm a lot better, but I've found that being clear about my boundaries really helps on this journey.
C G, I hear you loud and clear. My concession to "people pleasing" is that I don't want to deliberately hurt another person's feelings. But there's a limit to what I will put up with. I learned a long time ago that we can't please everyone - nor should we be expected to.
@@lindateuling7862 nice to hear from a fellow INFJ. Definitely agree! We all have limits. We are human and to think we are above limits, is disingenuous to ourselves and others. Have you seen Wenzes latest video on INFJ giving? I thought it was really helpful.
@@GG-rk1bu I faithfully follow her videos. 🙂 and find them uniquely helpful. It's so great that we INFJs have found each other on line.
but I like pleasing people and getting them off. But I dont like being used to do so lol. Wierd right?
@@MegaCyberleader I don't think it's weird to want to please others. The latest video explains that it's a need we have to help, but we can find healthier outlets for it. Check it out - it explains the point beautifully.
People like being understood until they realize you can see the things they don’t want you to see. Superficial people want superficial agreeability not holistic comprehension of their entire emotional and psychological existence.
intj here...
not that i would like to be hated BUT, i ABSOLUTELY WOULD MUCH RATHER be hated for who i am than to be loved for who i am not.
if you put up a front; then not only do you betray what others think you are but, you ALSO BETRAY YOURSELF.
and, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS WORSE THAN TO BETRAY YOURSELF. inside AND outside, it makes your ENTIRE life FEEL FAKE.
PERIOD.
being REAL ALSO lets you know up front who you can trust and who you cant.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Such a healthy dosage of Fi from an intj. Very helpful 👏
I am an INFJ and the way you write and express yourself....it's like we're twins you and me!
Others know how to describe INFJs impressively well, but you know how to help INFJs get the most out of life without feeling like we are losing ourselves. Props.
While experiencing this thing my whole life, I noticed that people disappear when they know me better because they get intimidtaed by a strong personality. It was also confirmed by some people. Confident people don't ghost and walk away, they stay in my life, however I behave. With those who are very insecure, I almost never know how to behave, they get scared very easily, even if they adored me at first.
As an Infj I realised I needed people to feel worth. I needed them to like me. I didn't like that. I was clingy as frick. So I learnt to be alone. It sucked for the first couple years but eventually I didn't need people to like me anymore. I think the years of isolation i put myself through grew me as a person. Now I would say my Ti has grown a lot more. I can now help people without needing them to feed me any love. Also I can speak my mind and I don't care to much if people react badly. My advice to a young male infj: Learn to be alone. I also learnt a lot from Julien Blanc
I did the same and I learned so much from being alone and being comfortable with myself and I love it. But my problem now is that I’m am lonely as hell. People don’t go out of their way to get to know me, I find that I still need to be the one to do so and sometimes go back to old habits. I wish there was an INFJ like me who would come up to me and get to know me… otherwise it just kinda sucks. I love myself and who I am but society is cliquey so anyone different is an outlier and it’s hard.. and a lonely road
I walked away from a lot of people in my life, but in the end I don't regret choosing myself. Biggest pet peave is when people call you fake or unempathetic or try to guilt you into staying as the image they created of you. As if hearing their disturbing thoughts and secrets and being dragged into their lifelong dramas was a privilege.
I feel so grateful to know that I’m not the only one stuck in this vicious cycle. I’ve always thought there’s something wrong with me that could make people once adored me, left me so easily. My theory is that I trigger my exes’ deepest desires and fears. 90% of the people I dated said that I’m their “perfect girl”, then ghosted/abandoned me once Im being vulnerable/imperfect.
Probably you had to many guys.
You are welcome.
@@dkny2yj204jealous and envious?
The greatest heights offer the biggest falls
Hajajha line of my life
I’ve met people who opened up to me (we mirrored each other at first) and when they did, it was as if they were bracing for me to reject them or even get angry…and I didn’t and they were relieved.
I am too old and busy to try to cater to people who aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to understand how complex people are and how half the traits people complain about aren’t even harmful, just confusing at worst.
And abusers CRAVE predictable people. If someone ghosts you for showing the complex sides of yourself, take it as a blessing.
Thissss
Happened my whole life… Usually with girls I like. When I’m around a girl I like, I’m 100% my authentic self, and that tends to really intrigue them. They act like I’m the coolest guy ever, they’ll flirt, and they’ll be doing the flirty-touching (my arms, hands, legs, etc…)…
Then, completely out of nowhere, they’ll say something really hurtful like, “Why can’t I find a guy just like you…???” But will keep flirting with me… Ummm… I’m right here in front of you. 🤷🏼 But if you don’t see me that way, stop leading me on by continuing to flirt because you just want the attention because you got issues… 🙄 No thanks…Bye!
they probably just think youre ugly or cant be a provider lol
Are they hinting that they want to be with you??
Everything you think, feel, say and do is your authentic self. Even if you are 'acting', that is YOU and no one else.
Maybe they wanted you to make the first move.
@@Adennative i wonder if its an infj trait but i dont process indirect comments very well. I might have reacted same way as he did in a similar situation.
Omg, lmao I've been love-bombed and then ghosted out of blue in a full-blown relationship. It's given me PTSD but this is comforting to know it's common to INFJs cause no one else gets how this happened. Everyone always thinks there must have been something wrong. Thank you for talking about this, it's given me a lot of food for thought.
The same thing happened to me 3 years ago he asked me to marry him in just 4 months and everything and I've still been trying to figure it out why he ghosted me after I didn't want to move in with him and his 4 kids after only 9 months of dating.
@@AleeshaT you dodged a bullet.
As an INFJ. I had someone tell me to delete their number just now. It hurts so bad. At this point I don't want to be around people Anymore. People Always Ghost me, Delete me, end up Hating me and I'm Tired. I'm tired. I loved this person and now they are Angry at me. I hate That
Hey, I realise this was a while ago, but are you okay? Do you want to talk about what happened?
Feeling the same you are not alone
Just yesterday I was thinking why I was ghosted from people so much lately, and this video made me realise that it's because I am becoming more and more myself late year. Thank you !
I’ve gotten used this phenomenon.. so now, if I see the “idolization” beginning to happen, I start setting the right expectations immediately.. like “hey, no one’s perfect tho, right?!” Or “Trust me, I have my off days too!” Or “I’m nothing special, we all have our own gifts and talents, right!?” Managing their expectations is key to avoid the “let down and dismissal” stage. Because then I’m like “I told you so, did I not?!” 🤣
Works... with some. Others hear what they want to hear, no matter how adamant you are.
@@cavemanrob exactly
Yes, I do this I let them know that I'm messed up. However, there was one time I warned a friend of my intolerable ways and yet she had me on a pedestal. I knew what she saw me as and I was nothing like the idea she had in her head. She is an ENTP, I had gotten to actually like her as a friend but then I was ghosted in real life, blatantly ignored for a reason I couldn't find at the time. Now I've understood what it was. I'm still healing from that but life goes on and that too will pass. Getting hurt is all part of learning so while it's not cool I learnt how to deal with it and understood more on the human race.
Hmmm that doesn't work for me either. Because then you just come off as so humble and down to earth. And later on, it's like "I told you so." And they are like "but I didn't truly believe you." 😅
I don't feel like doing this tho. I really am not trying to make any more emotional or verbal space for people who can't reciprocate. It's like painting a giant mural with depth of all different kinds of color for a mfer who's colorblind. I'm so fucking over it. 😂
The first part of your intro basically sounded like the start of narcissitic dynamic/relation.
Wow, this remind me a time of my life, I had those friends that I gathered around, just like me, misfits, and then we reach a level of friendship and they start to put me in some sort of pedestal. I was doing my best for our collective progress, but then I failed, I had this major identity crisis and everyone just ghosted me for years and years. One of them even said to me "your wisdom is like leaking out of your ears"... And they continue to be friend with each other but I was excluded. It was really hard times.
hopefully you are stronger now because of it and don't get in situations like that anymore...I know the feeling just too well
@@Wenzes Thank you for your words. Honestly it really put me out of a lot stress at every leadership position since then, but nowadays i'm healed and trying to get back "out there" again. Love you!!!!
My story is: I had those people, that I gathered around myself, people noone else was helping. And I was doing my absolute best for them. I was giving them things nobody else was willing to give them or had the ability to give them. They used to put me on a pedestal.
The second some of them thought they were now strong enough to substitute me in my part, they betrayed me and called all the other people to themselves. They all went, and left me alone.
It was such a hard time for me! I had given those people so so much of my time and effort and everything! And now just because of envy or power they're doing this to me?! It was devastating.
Very soon they all regretted leaving me, they very soon saw that nobody could treat them like I did and give them what I did. But...too late. I would never accept them back.
They showed very well that they were just using me for their benefit but they had never learned to love and accept me.
It's very difficult for us INFJ-s to be loved for who we are. Everybody wants to use our skills and what we have to give, but they cannot stand who we are because we are so different from them.
Sad part is: we can accept everybody, but seems like almost nobody is able to accept us.
The INFJ always has two roles - one is the role that is specific to each INFJ based on the point where all their transcendent competencies merge - and the other is to be, as Wenzes has always noted, to be BELOW THE RADAR ABOVE THE SYSTEM
INFJ in a nutshell: "i just want save the world! Whitout someone noticed was me"
@@gabrieldossantossanta5656 😂😂😂😂😂😅😅 wow
WOW. "I'd rather be disliked for who I AM than to be loved for someone I am not". This is where I am right now and it took me years to get here but I am honestly okay with that. This admiring at first then out of nowhere dislike happened in my relationship with an unhealthy ENFJ. I was put on a pedestal for my uniqueness/presence but unfortunately, it led to a major conflict because that person felt unworthy then projected their inadequacy unto me. Of course, I valued the connection even though I now realize it was emotionally draining on my end and it was honestly my fault for staying as long as I did.
I internalized their inadequacy as my fault which is crazy now that I think about it. Now, I am loving myself and it is MY responsibility to value myself instead of expecting others to add to my value.
Explains why I feel cut off when people only compliment me at the get go. It’s a sign it will not get deep and what bits feel wonderful will leave.
And at 65, it has happened over and over. I beleive I have a 5 year expiration date, and it hurts! It makes me not trust people.
I often feel like being used like a tool or a medicine, solve problems or calm bad emotions and then I am ghosted. Well, I know it, but they don't know it. I had times, i was reading a book during a break and some coworker started to talk to me and explained his complete life to me ... why? Well, I know why. But I don't like it. And those people don't understand boundaries. Even when you set boundaries.
Have I ever experienced this ? Yes. How was it for me ? It was all fun and games until a disagreement occurred. I went above and beyond to get along with those who did not understand me and wanted me to conform to their expectations. I rejected their control nicely enough in order to not cause conflict or a dramatic scene. Yet, they continued exhibiting their control issues, and I immediately had to "door slam" and delineate myself from them. It was then and only then did they see the error of their ways. I'm just me. I care for people, yet, it sure is nice to be left alone.
Period.
This has happened to me a lot. Sooner or later, probably about 80% of the people I meet love me at first and then drop me like a bad habit or betray me. Thanks for the solid advice.
Conversely, how many people say they "didn't like you at first'..?
@@cavemanrob a LOT
i have found that being an infj in this society is a no win situation alot of the times. cant win with these people
I literally was just journaling about this. So many people just dropped off in my life without explanation. On the contrary, I feel like I was the one who was used because they used me to fill whatever void they have and then once I’m not needed anymore they drop or betray me. So it gave me more trust issues and abandonment issues and it’s very difficult and scary for me to be vulnerable and open to anyone
"Who doesn't like who I am really, that person doesn't need to be in my life; I don't need people who like me for what i do for them" is so on point. You speak so much sense. Putting what exactly most of us feel into words that fit perfectly.❤️
Did I just have randomly come across a video that opened up my eyes?
Until 20 mins ago, I had no idea why people act overly obsessed with me but then leave eventually
Wow. This needed to be explained. Yes they feel lied to and manipulated. You tell them you are this person and that you will be there for them for example, but you are really a different person and don't necessarily plan on being there for them. It can't end well. I don't blame the person to be upset. The thing is the infj acts like they are innocent. So good to address this and start living.
Yess, I am currently dealing with a person who is putting me on a pedestal and i'm placing boundaries because this is something that has happened before many times i always wanna help people and make them feel good, but now that i am happy and found my truth i don't wanna leave it for someone else. Thank you so much for this reminder, i know i am worthy of admiration for the way i am !!!
I learned, through many years of experience, only to give to those who give back
I don't want to be put on a pedestal, I want to ride on a horse. So I can be great, anywhere I go in life. God is the potter and I am his specific clay
This reminds me:
1. .... of a guy who seemed genuinely interested and impressed with me - until I made a different personal choice from what he would have made. Suddenly he turned vicious. Once affirming of me, he began questioning my judgment, intelligence, and even my right to decide it at all!
2. ... of a church I went to years ago. I offered to work with their music. I did that and a few other things well, and they seemed to attach themselves onto me. (Pedestal) Sure - I liked it, but when they found out that I was an introvert (albeit friendly) who was sometimes socially shy, the sweetness and light went right out the window.
Things are better now - much better. It's a matter of staying in control of MYSELF as opposed to trying to control the other person. Work to please ourselves. And yes, we are strong.
Insightful examples. I think what you said at the end is key - please ourselves first 💜
Sister Wenzes, you are SO right. As INFJ, I started avoiding when I like to do. People see that I serve my church, I study Catholic studies, and expect me to be their baby sitter.
But I get too overhelmed. Also, people should be very careful, because we are injured wolves.
I have a theory about this. To love someone because of your superficial vision of that person mean's that you are deluted so it's not my problem that someone is love bombing me. The tricky thing is to sense the love bomber's in the early stage. That does'nt mean ending your relationship al all coast. It's very much possible to take someone out of his delusion and continue a healthy relationship if that person is willing to break his delusion by himself. It's normal for human's to make mistakes. It's not normal rejecting your mistake's till they grow bigger, bigger and bigger and ruin your whole life and meaningfull relationship's.
FACTS
Yeah, that's why we often get depressed 😔, also I kinda have like little different thing, it's when I automatically become the missing parts of others and instead of receiving love, they become jealous and dislike me because I make them feel less good or something like that, and honestly that sucks, that's when I decided to love myself and care and accept it, cuz It'll make me happier than pleasing others who don't appreciate it!
Infj here and I personally have always hated being put on a pedestal as well as being looked down upon. I always strive to be seen eye to eye
I get ghosted a lot. So I’m used to it. “Friends” used to complain that I was closed off/kept my feelings to myself but when I opened up and expressed my feelings people didn’t like it and distanced themselves or full on told me that I was draining. So I learnt that I shouldn’t open up and keep everything surface level. I’ve also been accused of being in competition with someone which is the opposite, I doubt any infj wants to stand out and win….introverts aren’t like that. I don’t have that much experience with romantic relationships either. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can never be myself if I want a life around people….but to be fair I’ve been mirroring and masking for so long I don’t even know what I’m really like 😂
Are you me? You described me exactly too! Every time I opened up, people distance themselves and it makes me feel abandoned so then I close up again. I find the best way to still have a semblance of a social life is actually and unfortunately, cater to others and their feelings like what we do best as INFJs. But just knowing no one actually ever wants to get to know us personally and people just like us for what we do for them. Because right now, I’ve distanced myself and I don’t want to go out of my way for anyone anymore and I am alone and so lonely. No one initiates or comes up to me or cares to know me like I used to do for them. It sucks
Thank you, Wenzes. Again, you are spot on. This has been a lifelong experience - being put on a pedestal, feeling a compulsion to stay there, as a sort of social/moral obligation. And any deviation is greeted with shock and disbelief. You are a real INFJ doctor!
I was at a holiday party with coworkers whom I have a friendly relationship with and was invited to the after party. We were all supposed to go together. They ended up ditching me and didn’t tell me or text me. I was on a mission to be more social after getting better at “being me” for years so I went to the after party place and no one was there. These are the people that I always ask how they are doing, ask about their lives everything. No one tries to get to know me on a deeper level; heck even on a superficial level. Unless I do something for them. It’s always been a one sided relationship. I am more “who I am” now instead of over extending myself (sometimes I still do it, it’s just innate) but I find that no one wants to get to know the real me. I’m too different from them and no one cares to dig deeper and be my friend. It truly sucks. I feel like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t
Wow. This is soooo crazy to hear! I have never heard someone describe my social encounters so directly and exactly. Throughout my life, I have always had people put me on a pedestal and I never knew why. I heard things like “you’re so nice” “you’re so sweet” “you’re so friendly” “you’re so perfect.” Then from those same people, “you’re mean” “I thought you’d be nicer” “you’re bossy.” It always confused me so deeply and I developed many social anxieties as a young person. As I’ve matured, I’ve learned about the things you shared in your video on my own and became much more confident in who I believe myself to be rather than base myself on how others perceive me to be. It’s just wild to hear those same experiences come from other people. I would bring these concepts up to my friends but they never seemed to grasp an understanding of my experiences. It is so nice to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this!
I have experienced this so many times . Because we are social chameleons we can adapt to anyone . Paring that with us being such good listeners. Then they realize we are introverts and we need our down time , we come off as cold and insensitive.
all the freakin time
I also think that we gotta learn that the way we're treated is inherently more a reflection of who these people are and their broken expectations than what we've "done" to them.
Truth!
Not showing interest in the flattery of strangers is what has helped me. I want to be known and loved as someone who has limits and boundaries. It can still be hard and painful to come to terms with the fact that there are people who will approach me who do not have intention to be a consistent, reciprocal, respectful friend. But there is agency in knowing I don't have to accept being put on a pedestal. Accepting that relationships takes time also helps. The combo of "relationships take time" and resisting flattery helps me to resist love-bombers. I remember a few times also talking to a love-bomber about what kinds of friends I do like and what I don't like over a group dinner, and have watched them squirm and fume in their seat through their flattering, smiling, charming facade. It was uncomfortable, but it also made me feel like I had power and could trust myself about the vibes being off.
true. i feel more lonelier yet am glad to be myself even if others hate me. I am here for me and being my awesome self. I took my power back and it's death to act a certain way so others will like me. I'm still in the works on this lesson. yes i dislike it when others put me on a pedestal.
-an infj
what I have experienced in the past is, when first meeting someone or group, I must come across as friendly, clever and intelligent, that person instantly tries to imprint their beliefs onto me, almost like they have to get me on side .... that will never happen unless I already agree, which is very rare. when I point out flaws in their logic I instantly become the enemy and thrown in the bin, which usually pleases me.
I didn't put me up there, they did. Their problem
Fortunately it doesn't happen anymore, most people realize I'm more than likely going to disagree so we generally stick to pleasantries these days and all is good.
thank you, you are a tower of strength for us
I don’t really get ghosted but from my experience I think we attract selfish people who want us to be what they want us to be so the relationship becomes one sided…
I've experience this all the time.
I hate even myself why this happens to me.
I'm just an ordinary guys who lives my life the way I wanted/dreaming of. People see as a different person more than I am showing/being to them. I can't even stand when people compliment me or appreciate small thing I did for them. I can a lot of things from my experiences but I'm not a super human.
It hurts sometimes when I can't meet their expectations and they start talking at my back.
But now I'm constantly adjusting myself, to depending on their level of whatever..
Wow! You just blew my mind! I was/am in a some kind of identity crisis or something like that! And hearing this makes so much sense to me! I am afraid of who I am! I don’t want to be seen as rude or cold and I have this obsession to please people all the time and it’s exhausting! I don’t know how to stop it! I am gonna talk about this to my therapist and see what can be done to end the cycle!
"Because of this conviction of this is who I am.....to stand in my power." When I heard these words, I understood how this characteristic in me could be intimidating to others. Wow!
I've actively worked on not over-giving and have become very intentional on only giving when it's reciprocated. If I can tell someone is pulling away, or if someone ghosts me, I pull back equally. Sure, I feel good about recognizing it and holding those standards within myself, but I still feel misunderstood and abandoned socially - because the truth is, people who ghost aren't interested in self-reflection. They are cowardly and superficial.
Your comment describe exactly how I’ve been trying to approach things. I have and still am actively worked on not over giving, extending myself, etc. but im still abandoned or not invited socially. No one wants to get to know me past the superficial “hi how was your weekend” no one wants to know my interests or just asking more follow up questions like they actually care. And because I’m different, I get abandoned and then a clique forms (at work) and I’m just not apart of it even when I tried to be. Then I find myself just pretending socially again but best I could get is being in everyone’s periphery. So nowadays instead of expending more energy on others, I just sit by myself to eat lunch and have occasional superficial convos if it comes up. Otherwise again, no one tries to get to know me and socially reject me. So I don’t know… feels like a lose lose situation.
I as an INFJ-T have to tell you that you can be both. The real thing you need to learn is to allow pain to happen. I learned one quote "your pain will teach you until you overcome it". This also means that you should be the person the other one needs and use the time to your adventage to be more yourself so the other people also understand your perspective why you do it. This is real strength, because then you will follow your inner scorpio ascendent and the people will appreciate your struggle as a kindness you give to people. Not many will see it, but those who will see it will love you for real. I personally have the believe that we special beings came on this planet to suffer and still stand up for everyone else around us even if we cannot anymore until they eventually start to see that we love them with all our heart. If we do what you describe we get closer to our false purpose, but the true is in my opinion to give to people, because we will see the fruits before we die and this love there might be very strong.
Just one more thing: You are currently on a pedestal and people want to be trained by you and you might eventually fall from that, but you know that this will always happen and we are very good at standing up again. You also know that this is inevitable for us. We are the phoenix. If you deny this truth you have to do some more shadow work ^^.
This happened to me and I realize the harmful mistake I made by being too much of a people pleaser. I was stuck in this friendship and when I changed I was ghosted. These friends are not friends they are toxic to say the least. I am no longer a friend of this person and am much better off.
Sounds Ike you're describing some of the codependent/narcissist relationships. Good stuff!!
I feel more me after your self-disclosure. Thank you so much 💞💞
I clicked on this video cuz I couldn't imagine someone admiring the INFJ first and then changing their minds. I generally experience the opposite since I take longer to express my real self to people.
Well, also cuz I love all your videos. Let's find out!
So I’ve had this happen with friendships where a new friend tells me all the drugs they’re on for mental illness and I don’t think anything of it because they’re women and I’m straight so how could they hurt me? Then we go on vacation and I find out they have to be the only women in the room and they discard me! It hurts so bad. I actually will never go on a female trip ever and when some one says they’re BPD I proceed with caution instead of having empathy and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I feel so stupid and I totally grey rock the person. I’ve run into these women years later and I don’t even acknowledge their existence. I will look at them, and then look right through them.
This is why I do something on purpose, like break something or mess up a minor job. It Releases the pressure and I can work up from the bottom to the top, and when I get to the top again, I earned it, I earned it by doing it my way. Untill somebody better comes along.
That's really interesting. I might try your tip out.
Yes I experienced this a lot. My last relationship that I gotten dumped last week is right on cue on what you were talking about in this post. I am a INFJ & I am tired of making other folks happy& doing all of the chasing & etc.I am not perfect & I tell everybody from jump that i am a inter-vert & i have been this way since i was 8 years old. I can't change that now in my life. I rather just stay single & LOVE MYSELF & work on myself. It's just too much for me.
I have learned over the years that one of the things that I need to do when I feel like I am (as you say) being put on a pedestal by others projecting their needs onto me is to try to objectively states things about myself that are good reasons to *not* be put on a pedestal. I think that that comes from having been put on a pedestal enough times to know that absolutely no one who is a real human being can long embody that which other people project onto them making the subsequent ghosting rather inevitable. Being open and honest about one's self from the beginning to others who you feel are projecting onto you can help, although there can be drawbacks to this approach too (such as *thinking* of oneself as somehow worthy of being open and honest about one's dark side, etc.).
This one really hit home. I’ve been vaguely aware of this through my life but this made it all so much clearer. Big thanks 🙏
Same
God this makes so much more sense. So glad I found your channel. Here to learn and grow/evolve from. i learned this early in life I don't know how but I remained true to myself in friendships, relationships and family and it can become a very solitude life but I learned to embrace it. If you can't love & appreciate me for me then its time to hit the door. No hard feelings but I will live my life free from others trying to keep me captive in a world I want no part of.
It's so hard yet so important to get out of this vicious circle. I still struggle with this, but it's getting better.
Wenzes, thank you so much for your hard work! It's much appreciated! ❤️
Praise and Blame are 2 sides of the same coin. I don't trust when people do either. We are just normal people. We are unusual as a type but like every human we have similar struggles. If people put you on a pedestal it is only a matter of time until they nail you to a cross. That's my 2 cents.
This happens to me all the time. I think that's why my first and only relationship with an ex boyfriend didn't work out. I had been vlogging and reciting quantum poetry for a couple years at the time and it was like he was expecting me to be extremely intelligent and perfect and not having a good short term memory and always struggling with jobs in the past I did not feel perfect at all. I'm good at the arts, but not with regular school. I'm also very spiritual and Jewish and tend to attract non religious atheists. I don't understand why I attract these types of guys when I don't even have much in common with them in terms of values.
I think people realize they can’t measure up to infj standards and they leave and go back down to their comfortable level
It’s so interesting that I keep what I’m doing to myself, even family. I just say general things. People don’t understand me.
So be yourself in the beginning and either they will like you or they won’t. If you mirror them in the beginning you risk them admiring you so much that they put you in a pedestal. When you finally trust them and let your guard down they ghost you because they feel you weren’t who they thought you were.
So much truth. It's complicated being an INFJ.
Im going through this 😅 he was totally interested and giving me special attention, saying he adores me and wants to know me more. I was also giving back that attention and wanting to make them feel good. Then i opened up and shared how i am human and not perfect, i have insecurities and anxiety. Then they got upset about that, invalidated it, ghosted. When i asked where they went they continued to try to make me feel small and hurt and lastly ghost me and act like i never existed. People can really be terrible 😂
And then they come back after their other options didn't work out 😆😆
Gotta keep expectations manageable
Right on! Unconditional love for self & there is nothing wrong with expecting this from those they are closest to you & desire to be in your life. Yes many pedestal circumstances & sometimes you thrive accordingly but yes there is a break and awakening that I'm more than what I do for others..owning ones no Is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Less peeps around but certainly MORE PEACE & LOVE FOR SELF & CLARITY....thnx for sharing...
I am INFJ. I am actually the one who keeps cutting and ghosting people off lol
no one has ever explained me as accurate as this woman just did.
I understand the point you are making here and most def ive had similar experiences with " people pleasing" but i believe there is another angle to it.. being a mirror for other people encourages projections and this is fine, the trick is not to confuse yourself as an infj with the projected image, in most cases the ego functions by first projecting then reclaiming the projection and the integration happens (you can check Marie Von Franz's work on the subject). If you are interested in any consciousness development work on a collective level - there has to be a space for this process to unfold; that is a container for the projection to happen, then examined, renowned and integrated.
Another positive of maintaing this tension that it creates a motivator for other ppl to integrate thier ideals - its a similar concept to positive behaviour modeling - once this dynamic is active, mirroring neurons are activated and behaviour modeling is possible. Some interesting sources about the subject is "spiral dynamics" And "thomas Hubel" work on collective shadows - i think if the goal for the infj is to develop then yeah this angle of looking at what is best for the infj is good, but again the personality itself is aimed at helping people reach their potential, so when the infj develops up to a certain level the focus would shift back to helping people and collective causes.
I am a cheerful introvert, and it seems like a lot of people get turned off by me after the initial "I like you" first impression. I assume it's because they have a hard time with my social awkwardness and lovely weirdness. I always take it as a complement because it reminds me that I am not very normal (yay). Besides, it's just too much work to hang out with people who don't embrace the Michelle experience.
Wenzes, much thanx for this one. Having this knowledge and understanding give me a "position to be in" and not a "pedestal to be on" which allows me to be me regardless of others perspective. I've been in that scenario so many times in the past and will be faced with the opportunity (as I am now) in the future. The difference is your explanation in the video...that I have a perspective of me also and others don't matter. 😎
Taking this step is essential to accessing our true self and manifesting all the power that, with our expansive energy, will give us a full life and a light and joyful heart.
I will always remember the people who were there when no one else was there for me. I may not tell this or show this to them but they are always cherished in my life... I see and observe people, I feel someone's sincerity and someone who is faking his/her presence just to be with me. This is what I'm made of and it hurts that I often feel insincere people along the way... But life goes on just the same..
I had that experience some Times . They Sy they love me , they say i, m wonderfull but then they can,t handle . I think i AM to much to them . It,s so frustration .....😔🥺
I ended up doing the switch from ppl pleasing to being completely comfortable keeping my boundaries and being myself because I was so sick of ppl using and abusing me and I couldn't figure out why ppl didn't authenticity like me... well I'm still trying to figure that last part out 😅 as I find I rub ppl the wrong way mostly ppl who are not authentic to themselves... sigh*
I have been wondering for sometime why I am so obsessed in making others feel good. I do not really care about being accepted by any. Thank you.
Actually… because I don’t want ppl to be disappointed I try to show them that I don’t want to be on the pedestal, but at the end of the day I realize that real friend don’t project on me…
It’s only users… they want the energy, the ego boost is for themselves. Not for you, they don’t even want to actually know you! Theirs feelings is all that matters to them…
The only remedy for is to go where I feel authenticity, not fake prize…
I have found people can like me quickly, I offer compassion, understanding, humor - but then they want me to enjoy uplifting them all the time, but I don’t, I tire of being leaned on - then I see them not wanting this ever-positive influence, it’s too much for them and they get annoyed w my cheerfulness and the way I treat each person w respect - I have been asked, “what makes you think you can be so happy?” “ do you KNOW that person?” It seems many like to cuddle up in their misery story and have a friend in there with them - as I’ve lived into gramma years… I can offer a hand up or cheer you on but not here to gossip and complain as a rule - and besides does anyone wanna see if I’m okay? Hello?
I've been doing the ghosting most of my life. If I don't think I can be me eventually, at some point, then I'm not sticking around.
Because there is something different about us. People can actually do both of those things with us at the “same” time. I didn’t watch this video but this is where I would’ve gone with it.
I just don't know how different I would be. I hid so much of myself and I've done this so long without thinking, idk how to bring out my authentic self. I feel like I'm genuinely a nice, unassuming person with good humor, just like what happens when I'm a canvas. Is it possible for your true self to be very similar to a canvas with just more boundaries and more inappropriate twisted jokes? Should I reveal more of what's on my mind? Isn't there still a part of conversation that requires some finesse and not just being unapologetically me? I already speak pretty faithfully to what I believe and think (although there is a lot of people pleasing/blank canvas aspects), I don't understand how far I should be taking this...
Have the same question as you, be yourself, well i thought i was, who is myself then?
Oh this is my life... That's why I just don't socialize.
I've discovered you 2 months ago. And you've helped me tremendously since then. You're one of my favorite people I'm not actually friends with 🤣
Good karma to you wenzus
another method, I use is I rotate leaders that I personally train and promote so that in my guilds and trades, Leaders dont get burned out too fast while still being leaders. Once you have lead as the main head, and need a retirement you then go onto a board of directors and advisers for other leaders. These people also vote in or out leaders. You may be on the board and also want to be leader again after a rest. I have been doing this for years. Yet I didn't understand who I was until very recently and now All my inner conflict seems to just disappear.
We are very perceptive and when we then talk based on that perception, it scares away other people who did not perceive anything. I am alone most of the time, often with my dog, and wish I wouldn't talk too much around other people. People with social success are those who tell people what they want to hear. Even if they say they want you to disagree with them sometimes. What I get from women is this: play my game or I'm out of here. There are reasons we are alone. Of course sometimes we do sabotage things kind of like on a subconscious level. So there is that.
Wow. I’ve been hearing that this is all Pseudoscience but I’ve been watching your videos, and I continually over the years tested as an INFJ and you are spot on.
I had this problem for many years. 2 years ago I got therapy for ppl with borderline disorder and it helped me so much. I understand myself much better and I changed a lot sinds then. This part about me changed to. I like myself more and show it to ppl. For that I get deeper connections which I hardly ever had before!