Toxic Ex | How I Met My Husband | Goth Shaming
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- Опубліковано 10 лис 2017
- There was a time when I'd been a goth for many years and then suddenly, I wasn't for a period. I was in a toxic relationship where I was shamed for being a goth and ultimately, wasn't.
Music By: Scott Macleod - Ritual
I'm naturally blonde and got with a very manipulative guy. Was engaged to him at a very young age. I had been happily coloring my hair black for years. He pressured me to color it back to blonde. I ended up having to chop off 18 inches of hair and had a white pixie cut. I was so depressed and done.
Found out he cheated on me with some rainbow haired chick. I colored my hair black and left him. I've never been happier.
Mishka Xhelle Get it, girl! You’re so strong, not to mention also drop dead gorgeous!
CaptainGalaxy thank you 🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤💜
Miserable fucking dickhead he is or was.
"you look the same as you did as a teenager" I'd take that as acompliment though.
The fact that I was still goth and liked the same things that went along with it since highschool is what he was referring to. Literally claiming it to be boring and pathetic. He never had anything positive to sat about my appearance once the whole goth appeal ran its course and he was on to the next fad.
I can see how that hurt you. But it also sounds like he has problems with himself and tried to solve them by pointing out things on other people rather that selfreflecting his own life.
And even though I'm not truly Goth but a mixture of Metal and Goth, I'll still stay the way I'm for the rest of my life. I fought hard enough to be happy with who I am to be willing to change that. If someone can't respect that I don't see a way for that person to be a deep friend or even in a relationship. I've been trhough enough to be willing to cut those connections rather fast.
@@angelabenedict
@@angelabenedictI went through this too, my last ex was a narcissist heavy metal guy. He was initially attracted to me as a Goth but then would critisize everything about me. I wasted six years on this guy. I left Stockholm, Sweden which still has a great Goth synth scene to come to Manchester where the scene is almost dead since the Covid lockdown. Now I am finally realizing that I should be with a fellow Goth and/or Gothic romantic. I will see what the universe brings my way. I am originally American too. My moms side of the family is from upstate, NY, CT, RI. Thank you for sharing your story.🌹
"I'm not going to dress down to avoid the stares, then they are changing you. I'd rather be a bit uncomfortable and be myself." - Siouxsie Sioux. I just got lazy. I started to wear blue jeans and then the black seemed to disappear. Suddenly I was wearing color but I still felt goth. I didn't feel that it left me, I had left it. My wife is accepting of it. It's not her speed and that's ok, but it's me. So I've gotten into creative writing in which my character was goth. It made me have to go and crack open the coffin again.
Now, as a writer for a character. I have to feel that character to the point that it's almost another person living inside me that invites me to his or her table and talks to me. So as I talked to this character, it was almost like rediscovering my voice and who I was. So then I started looking for what's new in goth. I came across you Angela and I started to watch your videos. I saw a lot of my feelings expressed by you and that little ember that was just starting to glow, it suddenly got a blast of oxygen.
Coming back into the subculture, it's not like it was. Yes, it's evolved a little but it's also kinda devolved. The community has moved online and while that's ok, it's also nearly destroyed goth on a local level. The clubs are gone. Maybe you can find a place with a "goth night" but it's mainly gone. I want to see it come back too. I want to see the subculture remember who it was. I want to see the new blood understand the history of the subculture that has gotten bastardized. Too often I hear "goth" and "emo" be interchanged as if they describe the same thing. Working at blood drives I see a lot of high schools. And I want to encourage those kids to be who they are and see that they've only just discovered how great this community can be.
You helped reignite the fire in me, now I'm doing my part to ignite or reignite people around me.
Adam StormCrow i hated that people interchanged goth and emo ive always been pretty emo or what they now call "alternative" dont get me wrong ive always had admiration for the goth culture but i never liked when people called me goth.
why me absolutely. Now being emo, goth, skater, or freak (as we were called back in high school) now the collective umbrella is “alternative” which is fine by me. We’re all in this together and facing the same challenges usually.
Yes that's exactly what happened to me. But I will say this: Just because you don't dress the part, doesn't mean that's not still who you are. I didn't dress the way I used to, but still had the same taste in music, film, art, and literature. I was still me. At the end of the day, after you take off your clothes and jewelry... do you lose yourself? No. The clothes do not define you. It is who you are on the inside that matters. Black is still a vast majority of my wardrobe, but I still rock blue jeans, flower prints, and whatever else I feel like wearing. Because I am me, and there are a million different facets to my personality that I can and do indulge on a daily basis.
Great quote.
"Crack open the coffin" again. 😅 Oh can I use that? I soooooo feel the same way as you. Rediscoverring my inner goth and other stuff at 48. Different this time, older and more evolved with layers of life colour and some battle scars, but she's creeping out of the coffin. I'm feeling the oxygen feeding the fire.
My mother was a grunge as a teenager, she lived in Mexico when she met my birth dad, he seemed like a nice guy, but he moved in with her, began to isolate her, gas lighted her, and was a complete abusive person. He judged tge way she would dress and she lost her identity for a long time. Her curly hair became brittle and straight, she gained weight from stress. They are 11 years apart too. He left in 2012, on Christmas, I was 11 and my brother was 5. My mother now is different, her hair is curly again, she lost the weight and gained muscle, she's her again. I also changed from having long brittle hair, suppressing my sexuality and gender identity and hating my skin tone (my dad is an extreme racist), now I have short hair (which now im growing it out so i can put some braids in it), and I'm open about my sexuality and gender identity. I'm proud that I'm tan. My mother and I have found ourselves. (my brother was too young and he has autism so he's wasn't as aware)
I'm so sorry you were exposed to such a toxic person. I know what you mean about people changing physically from the negativity...not even inadvertently! It's like the body reacts to it like an illness and it ages the face, complexion sallow and prone to blemishes with loss of tone, hair does crazy things - I had greys and it was brittle as well and I actually lost weight. It can go either way there.
Congrats to your family from being able to come back from such a soul destroying situation and emerge through the other end better than ever.
typical narcissist user- they "use you up", get your best parts then leave you as a hollow shell and move on. Thats why you never act stupid and let a bad person in.
I went through a Goth denial phase from about 14-19 or so. I didn't have any friends and desperately wanted to be liked. I missed out on so much and I am so happy to be 100% myself now. I'm sad to hear about what you went through, but so thrilled for you now. 🖤
I'm glad you found your way through 🖤 Welcome back!
Go to ROCK CITY in NOTTINGHAM ENGLAND
I was married(probably before many here were born) and have experienced the shaming and horrible domestic abuse years ago. My journey to the Goth lifestyle was paved literally with blood,sweat and a ton of tears. Being an elder goth, I admire anyone who can maintain their true selves. Love this channel!
so sorry to hear about what you went through years ago. I too endured a physically abusive relationship years ago and I don't wish that upon anyone. Be true to yourself and remember no matter what, you're not alone and we love you
This really helped. A few days ago, I broke up with my boyfriend for shaming me. This video made me feel better about the decision I made. Thank you so much.
Celestial Baby you are so strong! Your decision was the right one, have a wonderful day.
I'm sorry that happened to you and you were shamed. I had an ex years ago who shamed and abused me for being goth in my past. Thankfully I left his non-goth ass.
You guys are so amazing, I am glad I have a great alternative family here on UA-cam.
No problem. I can never understand guys or men who want to change girls or women like us or others to fit this false mold of what they think they should be. My ex was non-goth and just saw me as an embarrassment with my hair being in bat bows, all black layers or metal/goth/punk black band tees, to my make up or times I'd sketch not so normal subjects in my sketchbook back then. I'm glad I left him after so much abuse and putting me down trying to change me he put me through. It was the best decision I did because 3 years after I dumped him, moved on, I met my current non-goth boyfriend who's a total nerd/geek who was accepting of me, my alternative/goth lifestyle and layers and loves me for what I am and who I am as well as being respective-supportive of me being an artist. We've been together for 7 years, got cats together, and are planning to move in together in a year or so once we can afford it.
Celestial Baby hopes this helps me too
for all alternative men and women out there
if you have a husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend who tries to pull this crap, use these 5 simple words:
Remember How You Found Me
Yes! They clearly found us this way and liked it, why try and change us?
@@angelabenedict sounds like the guys who claim that they want a "big tiddy gothicc gf". They're not really interested in the subculture. They fetishize sexy gothic women. They want to be seen with a hot dark clad woman, showing as much skin as possible, by their side in public solely for street cred. They view them, solely, as arm candy. However, you'd never see these guys at a goth club or gig and you'd never see them at festivals such as Whitby goth weekend, wave gotik treffen or bats day. These are literally the same guys who would originally ridicule and bully Goths, metalheads, punks, emos and anyone else even remotely alternative and the moment the novelty wears off, they'll go back to bashing alternative people and expect their "gothicc gfs" to give up the subculture in general
My "lost" period wasn't so much due to my ex, but due to his friends. They would give me cold stares and eventually they told my ex to stop bringing me along to parties and such. Then my ex begged me to tone it down a little so that he could bring me along. What he SHOULD have done was distance himself from them and tell them that if they don't accept me, then he cannot be friends with them. But instead, I started wearing blue jeans and tie dye, and was eventually allowed to come to parties again. The day I broke up with my ex, I spent my entire tax return on new clothes. It felt good to be myself again and I swore that I'd never let anyone try to change me again.
✊💖 I'm so so happy to hear stories like this. Power to you! Always stay yourself! Very inspiring
It’s tough when you self identify with a subculture and that subculture starts to fade. A lot of people transitioned out of that subculture because of “aged out” or “ social pressure” or “doesn’t seem relevant” or “ need to evolve” or “ time to grow up” or “ all your friends moved on”. Kudos for sticking to your beliefs. I dress preppy now a days but still am obsessed with goth music.
Was this dude an actual human being or just a collection of red flags in a skin suit? JFC I'm so glad you got out of that.
My last relationship involved a man who told me being in the goth scene was a phase and I would get over it. He wanted me to be like pink and frilly and I started to change for him and it was awful. I look back on it now and cringe
NicoleXJapan I totally understand having been with someone who wanted me to dress in nothing but pink all the time.
WHAT??? How old did he think you were, twelve? Pfft! Go tell him that he can just go and fuck himself, already! And he AIN'T your daddy!!! 😒
Lmao my ex wanted to be to be an uwu kawaii anime girl or some shit
don't ever change who you are for someone else. If a guy truly loves you for YOU, then he'll embrace ALL of you with never ending love.
I experienced this as a former pastel lolita and had a former "normie meets ig baddie" look. I changed to pastel goth/grunge-y goth on lazy days because honestly whenever I didn't dress some form of goth I felt... naked? If that makes sense, like I wasn't me. I had my family tell me they wished I dressed in fashionnova and fast fashion again because I looked so much more "professional" and "pretty". Then I also had guys tell me they wished I dressed more girly and dyed my hair light again. I ended up changing for a while to try to make my family love me and treat me kindly and even gave myself 3 bleach meltdowns to find the perfect hair shade they liked. Started going to therapy and realized almost everyone in my family is some form of abusive/toxic and my therapist thinks they use me as a scapegoat and are neglectful for ignoring the obvious signs of ADHD and Autism I had when 5 of them are health professionals that specialize in working with people with Autism.
Moral of the story - don't change for anyone but yourself. Most likely the person or people you're changing for are probably toxic, abusive, or don't actually value you as a person anyway.
This discussion has hit me so hard!! Once I was in a toxic relationship I was drained from all of my interests, always shamed for anything I liked and I let that change me. Now I’m rediscovering who I am and embracing it all. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
I'm learning that this is a story echoed by many.
I once had a boyfriend who wanted me to change basically everything about my appearance. He would suggest things like breast implants, hair dye, piercings, tattoos etc.
He wanted me to turn into his idea of what the perfect girlfriend was.
He would also say things like "if i had met you 10 years earlier there's no way i would have dated you or even bothered talking to you because you were way less attractive back then"
Needless to say, the relationship didn't last very long.
MMEArtChannel i hoped you dumped his ass
I did and i am so much happier now.
And THAT'S when you say "buh-bye!" 😄
he was looking for someone malleable
What an insecure little shit.
Omg I thought I was alone! I had an identity crisis after identity crisis after identity crisis, all because I was with the wrong people. It gotten to a point I was bullied for being a poser when really I was going through a lot of turmoil.
"ladies, you got to know when it's time to turn the page when you're only wet because of the rain" -tori amos 😂 fr tho
😔🤙
Ex girlfriend hated the fact that I was punk, even so far as to toss my battle vest and argue with me to cut my hair. My battlevest is fucking amazing, and I love my hair. Its who I am, the music I listen to she'd change the music because we shared a spotify account at the time, or she'd just unplug the aux cord. I had bought a ticket to go see the Casualties, $150 ticket and she found it and tore it up. After I dumped her, I gathered her things and packed her bags for her and left them at the front door with a note. She proceeded to break one of my windows, got into the house and burned my personal belongings, posters I had put back up on my wall were torn up, some patches were cut up, steel toe boots I had just bought were a charred mess in the back yard.
It was fucking terrible, it really is hard getting out of an abusive relationship, dating a fucking normie who isn't open minded blows balls. I called the cops on her, for destroying my property. Explained the situation, they didn't arrest her they just told her to fuck off. The officers told me that if she returned to call them back. She later trashed my car that same night, and I called the cops again and she got arrested. So I sued her, with the money I got from the case I moved out of the town I lived in. I used my money to repair the broken windows and replace the side mirrors she broke off. She kept calling my number for awhile after the court case, but it was private name and number every time I answered it was silent.
After awhile she texted me from a new number maybe a year later (a year ago), asking me how I've been doing, and I politely told her to go fuck off and die in a hole. Haven't gotten shit since, I moved on from the entire ordeal, and now happily dating a goth girl. I gotta say, dating another person from the alt scene that you can relate to even if your subcultures are different is fucking amazing and happier than I've ever been.
I've been through a similar experience. Except I really fell into my "normal" phase after my divorce. I was depressed and I didn't feel worthy of self love, I didn't feel like I could be myself. My ex did the same, told me often how silly I looked. Just really beat me down mentally, and physically. It took me years to find myself again, but I'm back and better and stronger than ever. I now have a great "alternative" guy that really loves me for me. Thanks for sharing your story, Angela.
Samantha stay strong! 💛💛💛
In glad I found you on you tube you are so real and honest luckily I have a husband who has loved me no matter what I'm a goth that's who I'm even though he's not he has never judged me . My problem was when I was at a football practice with my son and all the mothers where staring and whispering so I felt like I had to change and be "normal " as not to embarrass my son I was miserable but I wanted to make him happy and I didn't want him to be picked on so for three months I tried to fit in with these women then one day my son said mom why are you dressing like that that's not you I said I just want to fit in with the other mothers he said but your not that's one of the reasons I love you so much your you I love you regardless "!he said I went back to being my goth self again. Thanks for the story!💕💕
Your son is truly an awesome kid for standing up for you, clearly he's proud of having a goth mother and loves you dearly. Why fit in with the rest of the sheep in society when we can proudly love being our black sheep selves.
jackiline Wright your story is so cute it's like from a fairytale lol. no really, what a sweet son you have :)
Awww :D Such a lovely story and a lovely kid. Nice to hear he accepted you all along and those ladies just need to stop being judgmental. Who knows? Maybe they'd have something in common if they gave socializing with you a try.
That’s the most precious thing a child could say ❤️ He obviously has excellent parents who demonstrate acceptance and love.
I’ll bet those rude, judgmental mothers don’t hear such darling declarations of adoration!
what a good kid :)
My husband tried to change me, he thought our house was to depressing. But we did some compromise and I added colorful skulls
😂
If your busband loves you he would love you for who you are no matter what colors it may be.
@@christopherluvsaidan67 on the same token though would she be into it if her husband wanted his own thing (hello kitty, a frog obsession, anything really) all over the home? Relationships are compromise! Well done to the original commenter for compromising.
@@toni5543 nope. Its not
@@toni5543 People have the need to change people for who they are its sad really.
People don't realise how damaging it can be to be in a relationship with somebody with narcissistic personality traits. Manipulating is as natural as breathing to these kinds of people. They can make you doubt everything you thought you knew about yourself. If you've been in a relationship with a person like that, and you get free of them, the damage takes time to heal. But it does heal.
What's cool is, your "I'm back" moment can translate across any lifestyle. You are not just help people in the Goth culture, but, people in every culture with this video.
I have a Goth friend on the west coast and you two are amazing with words and outlook on life. Truly inspirations because of the positivity and openness.
🖤🖤🖤
Powerful video. I went through a couple of dark periods in my life and had to cut toxic people out of my life. And the faster I did it, the better off I felt.
Your ex sounds like an emotional vampire. The kind of guy who sucks the life out of someone and looks to control and change them. Everything is wrong with you but they're always perfect. A soul crushing emotionally abusive narcissistic asshole. The faster you get away from a toxic person like this, the better off you are.
I'm glad you found someone who loves you for who you are and encourages you to be the Goth that you are. And I'm glad you rediscovered love of self and what you love about being you.
If anyone wants you to change they are more fearful of themselves.
The fact you are both is what makes you you. It dosent matter what anyone else thinks.
It's good that you and your current husband are in a great place and doing well. It shows. Keep being you and enjoy your life.
With the identity phases your ex had (and him trying to project that onto you), sexual behaviour/cheating, it sounds like he may have had some unmanaged borderline personality disorder. Good for you, in getting away and finding yourself again! You sound a 100 pct clear and rational when you explain the process and your emotions, but the company of unstable people can really get you to question your own sanity (and abusive people want it that way.)
My father use to say that 'If you sit in shit, you'll stink'. I never quite got that until I was a bit older but it's true. If you surround yourself with negativity, you'll absorb it.
@@angelabenedict how long were you with your ex for?
and what happened with the boyfriend who lived with you? how long was that relationship?
I think he was a pshichopath or had narcissistic disorder (is almost the same thing as sociopths)...there are severan variants and levels of this personality disorder probably not the mos dangerous but definitely an integrated one .
Thanks so much for saying that! I had said that on her video as well!! Yep those are typical borderline traits- promiscuity and constant identity change.he also sounds emotionally needy, another BPD trait
This made me want to cry. I also left the goth scene for a good long while, because I let the pressure of my family get to me. I know that feeling of losing part of yourself. So over the past week, I've started coming back around, trying to see what it's like now. I found your channel, and I am glad I did. I relate with a lot of the things you talk about. Thankfully my husband doesn't care what I wear or how I do my makeup or what music I listen to, he just loves me for me. Having a partner like that is such a blessing. I'm glad you found your One.
This was such a helpful, inspiring video. As a side note, I couldn't help but be distracted by your flawless skin -- it literally looks like it glows from within! Please share your magic!
You're very sweet. I'm happy this video helped you :) I'm planning a beauty video, It may be vlog style but I'm going to show my regime and suggest ones that may work for others with different skin types.
YES! It's called MAKE-UP! 😋😅
You are beautiful and I am glad that you found you regardless of a toxic relationship. Its goths like you and my older goth friends that have made me feel like apart of this community. Thank you. Best wishes and all that.
Seeing those gray pictures made me do a double take and go "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ANGELA???" lol But seriously, remember you sharing this story on the podcast and I'm so glad that you met someone who not only accepted you for who you are but embraced it. And your situation with your ex is something I fear will/may happen to me. I've never been in a relationship before and I'm afraid if I ever do get in one some day , he may try to change me, especially because I am open to non-Gothic people (I kinda have to be since Gay/Bi Gothic guys aren't as common as one would think lol) but hearing what you've said totally gives me some inspiration and optimism for if that ever happens.
And I actually was introduced to "Sparks" by Faith and the Muse thanks to your first "Goth" video you did ("Goth in the 90s", haunting but lovely song), it's so cool how that song inspired you to show your side of the subculture and how it was in it's last leg before the mainstream bastardization of the 00s as well as who you are.
Al in all, great video :)
Your channel helps me. Used to get bullied in high school by holier than thou people who, from what I see, aren't even goth now yet back then acted as gatekeepers. I wish they knew that it's been ten years and they left scars that kept me from doing what I wanted.
Holy-ier 💩 than thou art ✝️ AND BULLIES ..... oh that's rich ! I wonder just how miserable and bored they are deep down and what crap they're families hiding that they're trying to avoid facing..... obviously they're very unhappy people and pre-occupied with the fact that you have something they want but, must feel they can't have.... even if it's freedom, you can be unique, and personality.
I hope you know that to many baby bats (like me) you are literally who we look up to, and for the first time I don’t think that’s bad you are a parent to us baby bats we love you!!!!!!!!!
You've just made me so freaking happy. I really hope I continue to help you
Angela Benedict sorry I didn’t see for a while but I’m happy I made you happy
You made me cry. I was having a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday and I was questioning myself and if being goth and a witch is something I should hide because I’m getting older and need to be a part of the normal world. Thank you!!!!
La Luna Tres
Don't you dare be anyone other than who you are!
The world is filled with too many people who have succumbed to the pressures of the normative culture and are now mere shadows of the persons they used to be and could still be had they been true to themselves.
Extirpate all harmful weeds in your life which intend to hinder your creative expression and own uniqueness.
Stay awesome.
:D
Kolton Bullard I won’t!!! Thank you sweetheart!!!
The situation was quite different on me.Shortly, I fell in love of an hiphop lover, so I thought to reduce (or erase) what I really was... because I was sure she couldn’t understand my Gothitude.I erased the Goth look for 7 years: every year spent wearing mainstream clothes just for being loved.This August (really!) I opened my playlist on my pc. I listened to Lycia...wow, it was the band that Introduced me to Goth!So I started mumbling: why shouldn’t I be what I really am?The love story with my girlfriend is absolutely a true one, but built without a strong point: I’m not a mainstream boy, I’m an alternative... I’m a Goth!So, little by little, I re-introduced my outfit, my beloved music, my literature... I’m happy again!Obviously I had to explain what Goth is about. I wanted to make her undertand I wasn’t a different Marco. I was the same boy she fell in love with, simply now I’m really complete.I must admit, it was a bit difficult to make her undertand the subculture... I think she didn’t understand, but she lets me be🖤That’s all Angela🖤🦇
Went through a very simular situation . Being manipulated horribly. Thank God, I was able to finally get out. So glad to BE ME AGAIN 🖤
Unbelievably relatable! A VNV Nation concert was a major turning point for me in goth too, I totally get that last hurrah.
I thought I was set for adventure after that! Shit was I wrong :/
For some reason I've never dated a goth girl. You've completely opened my mind
We're very nice people with exquisite taste in music.
5 minutes in and got *triggered* by "England" lmao. I have a toxic ex fiance from England who also made me feel like nothing. You and I are valid human beings, glad we're both in much better places now.
I love you goth mom❤
I'm going through this right now. Right down to my hubby taking on new mimic identities and then expecting to even have a mimic relationship of that fake character. It's really sick 🫥. Thank goodness were not married... just living together .
Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm glad you found yourself again, and I'm glad you found Stuart.
DarkSpiritMorrigan she probably loves her husband a lot
I like your profile photo. Seems to be a St. Andrew's cross, the one that is put over a sanbenito. So gore!!!
Thank you, Andrea. The full photo is a sloppy, painted red X, so I don't know if it has any ties to St. Andrew's cross, but it is the gender neutral, punk-ish, slightly aggressive look I was going for. Lol
Honestly i was introduced to the alternative scene was by my childhood best friends, ever since I figured out in like 6th grade clothes came in black I never looked back. I started with metal, and punk and then found goth music and it was over I fealt like I finally belonged somewhere.
In my senior year of high school my childhood best friend had changed alot and left the scene she was finding herself and I dont fault her for that. However we had grown apart and she kind of severed our friendship by sending me a horrible message saying I was fake, immature and a poser for liking what I liked.... even though she wasnt in my life anymore I still took what she said to heart since she had lead me to my happy place of being goth in the first place.
I thought in order to be "mature" and an adult and to be taken seriously I had to change everything and put my little dark goth heart away....
I was a "normal" individual for a bit and honestly those 3-4 years I was were the most miserable years of my life I looked in the mirror and didnt see me. I saw a costume of me trying to be normal. I decided to say fuck it and got rid of all of my colored clothing amd normal jewewlry and I haven't looked back.
I am rebuilding my wardrobe still and its been about 2 years but I am finally happy again I am finally me again.
I have nothing against anyonr who is normal or wants to dress the way they choose as long as they are happy and maturity is knowing when you can do things and when you should be am adult but that doesn't have to dominate your interests, wardrobe or personality just be happy :)
loved both you and skullgirdle on cemetery confessions :) that was one of my favorite episodes.
Eternal Wynter ever.
I remember watching one of your older videos and you said that you don’t film when your husband was home because he yelled a lot and you said that it was “part of his charm” im so glad you’re out of that relationship
Oh, no - same husband LOL. The ex was the abusive one. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He's not in any way problematic. Just loud and very active. He gets anxious if he sits still for too long and even if he tries to be quiet - something ends up coming up. You should see my livestreams when he's here!
@@angelabenedict oh that’s great! I’ll definitely watch those livestreams!
I came out of a similar situation that ended violently and I remembered as soon as I escaped, I immediately went running back to the Alternative subculture. I remember searching through goth tags and made an instagram to get myself delved back into the scene which had gone almost completely digital. I've never been happier and have refused to compromise my aesthetic again.
In a strange way it's like returning home. We lose so much of our identities in relationships that take this route. I'm so sorry you went through such a violent past. I'm happy to know you're safe and sound.
@@angelabenedict I look back at photos from before I left there and after I got myself out and the difference still floors me two years later. I still get mad at myself for staying for so long, knowing that I wasn't happy... I kept trying to convince myself that I was the problem and that he was right... And it angers me to have ever been in that mindset. You don't realize how much your own personal style becomes apart of you and when I couldn't create, I felt trapped and the more trapped I felt, the more I felt like I was dead inside and I was the sole culprit, falling victim (and I hate that word) to external toxicity. When the relationship ended with him finally following through on threats of bottlely harm against me, that was my wake-up call that this was getting dangerous and I could die, from either his hands or mine. He's the one who told me to leave, he just never bet on me standing my ground and actually leaving and never coming back.
I had a bad relationship where I ended up giving up a lot. I stopped listening to music, I stopped drawing, I stopped hanging out with friends. I eventually was pretty much just hanging out with him. I could go on from there, but I would tell anyone who sees those things happening to yourself or someone close to you that those are warning signs
Guuuuuurl that described my abusive relationship with a guy for 4 years in SO MANY FUCKING LEVELS.
Ugh - I'm sorry you went through that as well. You seem to have come out the other side strong and fucking awesome! These guys are parasites.
Only just seen this. I went through years of this of trying to be changed. Im glad I don't follow the sheep. Being unique and yourself is happiness. You married your first husband to meet Stuart, everything happens for a reason I believex
You are sincerely helping me with an awakening of my own through sharing your stories in your videos. I'm a bit late to the party here, but I suppose it was just in the cards for this happen at this point in my life. After bottling up so much for so long, it's such a release to hear that I'm not the only one with these kinds of issues. Thank you, is just not enough.
So the song you mentioned sparks moved me to tears I love it so much, I also love the message of this video and relate on such a personal level. Thank you Angela.
you are inspiring and a gift to youtube. Thanks for choosing hope over despair
You are so brave for providing such a detailed disection of an emotionally abusive relationship. I hope it'll help people cause not many understand the dynamics of those relationships and what a slippery slope they can be. xx
Coming in late (but the Internet is forever) but thank you for sharing your story.
When I was in my 20's I was "discovering" a dark aesthetic. I stated wearing dark/black clothes (when out of uniform--I was in the military and assigned in Great Britain at the time). I was also starting to branch out of the "musical rut" I was in at the time. I hadn't discovered goth yet--which was a new thing at the time, being the early 80's--but I suspect it was just a matter of time. Unfortunately, a well-meaning but misguided friend took me aside and told me that if I wanted to be attractive to young ladies, I needed to start wearing bright colors. Well, being young, single, and with a perfectly functional set of hormones, thank you very much, I took his advice to heart. I totally internalized the bright colors thing to the extent that I thought it was "my style." And I spent the next 30 years vaguely uncomfortable in my own skin and not sure why.
About ten years ago, however, I was introduced to Dark Wave and metal music. I rediscovered my own dark alignment. And I soon branched from metal and dark wave to post punk and goth--Siouxie and the Banshees, Joy Division, The Sisters of Mercy, The 69 Eyes, and more recently O. Children, Boy Harder, Lebanon Hanover, and a bunch of others. I kind of drift between metal and goth (there's no law that says you have to be only one thing; and if there were, I'd feel honor bound to break it). And, yes, I even still love the stuff I loved before discovering goth and metal.
But I am more "me" than I have ever been in my life, and I owe it all to goth.
Was in the same situation for 4 years, only that i was shamed for being autistic. That's something i can't change and to this day I say the best thing my ex had done for me was dumping me. So happy to hear you got out of this toxicity 🖤
Thank you for coming forward because I'm just coming back from the same thing but it was a bit more violent (not looking for attention I'm just being honest) I was never able explore what I liked everything I did revolved around trying to take care of him and make him happy all because I was pregnant but after we split I decided to look into what I want and I found you and I found a whole bunch of bands I like and realized what a goth really was. Thank you for that. You truly did change my life.
We love that you are here on UA-cam. You are one of my favorite UA-camrs because of your honesty and realness. Thank you for being here. Side note: your lipstick color is amazing. What brand and color is it?
Thank you, I love you and I’m SO damn PROUD of you!! For pushing through and finding yourself again. My abusive relationship from 6 years ago had left me obliterated. Over the years I’ve slowly put myself together..Thank you for being the final stepping stone for me to get back to being a spooky bat. I am the happiest I’ve been in YEARS. I am forever grateful for you! Blessed be luv! 🖤
Videos like these are the reason I like your channel so much.
Some other goth youtubers are just so superficial and then there is you. You post about your life in a way that is open an honest, but also very helpful for others.
Thanks for that.🖤
Thank you for your brave, kind, vulnerable words - so much courage. Awesome as always.
Angela, you're the best. I'm so happy you found your way back to who you are. Thanks for all your awesome videos!
this helps me so much! I just left a toxic marriage as well, moved overseas too and I also changed so much of myself. Now I'm back home and trying to build myself again. Thank you for this Angela.
LOVE this! Needed to hear someone else say these things. Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us, and supportive at the same time. I put everything on hold for my family for basically 10 years. Not because my husband is a douchebag, but for financial and other reasons. Just now getting back to myself, but in many ways... still buffering. Perfect explanation of the experience, BTW.
I don't always have time to watch every video you make, but when I do I am always glad I did. Sincerely, thank you.
I recently discovered your channel and have thoroughly enjoined your content. I'm roughly a year older than you and turn the big 40 next month so I've been reminiscing on the highlights in my life. I too started my goth journey in high school, but as time went there were glimpses of time where I lost myself along the way due to the allowance of toxic relationships. I've had to crawl in and out of deep dark pits more than I like to admit but those periods of time only made me stronger. Listening to your stories and finding you has come at such the right time in my life as I was way overdue for much needed "me/mommy time" and I look forward to watching your videos after my three little ones get into bed. You have helped me to rediscover beautiful music and vivid memories that I had long forgotten. The song "Cantus" by Faith and the Muse is one of those trigger songs that my brain recognizes as a key to my memories. Thank you for sharing your stories, please keep the content coming because you got this goth hooked!
I had a friend who would embody a character from shows and movies. It was all so weird.
I never knew it was a thing until him.
You basically just described my teenage years. I know, it's a different thing when it's your parents and not your partner, but I totally know this feeling of not having a personanilty, not doing anything, not being anybody, because everything I liked was forbidden. And then everytime I managed to break out and be myself, my goth-friends would call me a poser, because "I saw you wear a pink shirt yesterday". My being-shut-off was interpreted as 'she's not rebelling hard enough against her folks like we do, so she's wanting it hard enough'. Well, those kids all had working parents who left their kids alone as long as they didn't become criminals. They could wear whatever, listen to whatever, do whatever be whoever they wanted. I was literally never un-supervised. I had CDs taken away from me as a punishment for being myself, I had to hide my clothes that I bought from my own money and couldn't be seen wearing (I would go out wearing blue jeans and a colorful shirt and then change at my friend's place or a public restroom). I got lucky when it came to all my relationships because all my boyfriends had been parts of the scene to some extent. Moving to a city 600 miles also somewhat helped.
Thank you for making this. You inspire me to be my self . I'm not goth but I have goth friends but I guess it is better if I explain. I'm African American and darkly incline and I do enjoy goth music but I listen to more metal which is why I never call myself a goth but anyway , I am also 29 but I get so much shit from people. I'm a good person and it used to hurt me so much what people say about me. Hell I even have a corporate job and it is still not enough for people it is like I have to conform myself into what they want me to be. I used to start to get ashamed of being the real me but the more I watch your video I'm like fuck it, it is time to be me. Thank you so much for helping me!!!
Very powerful story! I know lots of people can relate to this subject, especially women. Also I am crying that you listed Hardcore as a style, I have always had an identity crisis over that because Hardcore is such a small subgroup that doesn't really have labels for ourselves. We just kinda float in between punk and everything else, but are still our own style, music, and group. I am going to stop shying away from calling it Hardcore just because it is not as well known as every other group. Thank you for sharing your story and empowering other people
Seeing those pics I can see in your eyes you were taken, and emptied.
Glad you're ok now, you're so strong Angela wow you're such a tiger soul.
Glad you have found UA-cam to share your experiences and really enjoy who you are, goth.
I get made fun of a lot for dressing in black and dying my hair black. There's literally no one around here like me. Everything and here is so blah. A friend gave me a little bat necklace and I showed another friend and they said "that's too Halloween for me". Like that's a bad thing?! lol ...
I wish I had at least one goth friend who lived near me. 😞
My dear Angela, I'm so sorry you were shamed for being who you are :( Unfortunately, this world is full of ignorant imbeciles. Any Goth who's reading this: NEVER be ashamed of who you are or how you want to live your life! We're all different and that's what makes the world beautiful. Too many people get so wrapped up in "fitting in"/conformity, they lose their identity, or worse, never even find it. I've dated many Goth girls and I never addressed them as my "Goth" girlfriend...she was my girlfriend. Take away the make up/piercings/clothing/etc., Goths are people with feelings, just like the rest of us. If you're not Goth but are interested in dating a Goth woman, treat her with respect and love her for who SHE is, not because of her image. Goths are not a fetish nor are they a trophy. You want to know what worked for me? I held the door open for her and took my hat off as she walked by. That's right boys, chivalry isn't dead!
You really are an inspiring person. Thank you. I may not be Goth, but I am going to try to recover my former self. I hope the best for you.
I can relate to this experience so much it's not funny. I love you and your courage to share this Angela. I just realised we started talking when you were in your 'grey' stage. Little did I know I was just heading into mine at the time.
I finally found my happy place and found myself when I met Ian.
Angela, your video spoke to me in a very strong way. I was in an abusive relationship with this man who tormented me and fucked with me and also made me feel so silly for “having an alternative phase.” I moved out of state and met him there and I also felt like I had no one but him, and it was miserable. I’m happy to say that I’ve been out of that miserable time for over 3 years now, and I’m feeling so great to feel appropriate in how I express myself and my interests. Keep making great videos 🖤
This reminds me of a period of time during my life when I became a mom and felt like I had to fit in and be like all the suburbs moms near me. Only in the past couple years am I refinding myself and my forgotten past musical interests, clothes, etc...💜
must be like becoming a Stepford Wife. Scary.
It doesn't matter who you are or how you act to those evil people their objective is to convince you & others there is something wrong with you in an attempt to confuse & control but having the strength to hold-onto or reassemble yourself only ends up making you stronger in the process, you also find out who your real friends are. Sounds like you were also incredibly lucky to have found your partner just at the right time and it helps immeasurably to be able to share with someone who understands. Thank you for sharing.
I really needed to hear your message at the end of the video tonight. So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with all of us.
No wonder we get along, lol. I love Faith and the Muse. Annwyn Beneath the Waves is still one of my favorites. I still dance to it. Monica Richards' voice was so haunting and still is (love her with The Eden House). Your Stuart reminds me of Carl McCoy from Fields of the Nephilim. Lucky you!!! So glad you found your way back home. Goth is much richer with awesome people like you who are a part of it.
Thanks for sharing. I remember you before and during all this. I even remember the photos that you showed here. That was when you started doing silly videos and stuff. The Eon Flux hair stage. Glad you shed some light on all this and shared it with us. I am glad you are happy and was able to come back to who you wanted to be. I still have the early photos of you when i photographed you back in my old Brooklyn apartment studio. Lol! I should dig them up and send you some.
Angela thank you so much for sharing this story i'm sure this will help someone that is going through the same situation, also i liked the word "Kardashianisation" to describe what is happening with the goth subculture it really made laught and say "it's true!!"
This video spoke to me on a deep level, it brought a smile to my face. For the past 8 months (give or take) I have been getting back into the subculture and feel like I missed out on a lot of things, because I was in a dark spot where I toned my aesthetic down because I was infatuated with a "normal" guy. The fact I changed my appearance for fear of being rejected is disheartening. Tis asinine to think like that. Could not fathom as to why my emotions wanted me to pursue him (like, why?) albeit I was the one who got hurt the most in the end. So now it has been an uphill battle to regain my essence.
I'm so glad you got away from that TOXIC man......
Thank you for sharing this experience and making such awesome videos. You are truly beautiful.
And my deepest respect to you Angela for staying true to yourself, growing from your experiences and blessing us with your personality and wit!! :) This is going to sound cheesy as all hell, but you've been a huge inspiration in rediscovering parts of myself that I had basically "lost". So thank you!
I really loved this video, Angela. I've been in multiple relationships where I've felt I've had to water myself and my interests down- when I notice that happening is the moment I end it. Any partner I have is going to have to accept me for what I am 100%. I really fell out of goth/alternative stuff for a while, I mean I've always really enjoyed the music and the fashion, I just kinda fell into too much of a daily routine. Recently I've been falling back in love with that stuff and yknow, I just realize how happy it makes me. The days when I dress with a more goth influence I feel just happy and badass- it's not about what others think of me. It's what makes me happy. And honestly, what made me get back into it was discovering your channel. I'm more into goth subculture now than I ever was so, thanks for reminding me of something I love, Angela.
Angela, I love you so much. I genuinely care about you and am proud of you and am grateful for your existence. Thank you so much for sharing this very huge rough patch in your life. I can’t imagine what my experience as a goth would be like if I hadn’t come across your videos. Thank you for being who you truly are. Love you. 🖤
I love you too
This video really hit close to home for me. My mother has always been the kind of person who shames others for living life or being themselves. So growing up with a person like that it took me a long time to figure out who I really was which was ultimately a Goth, I’d say. I’ve always been into the fashion and music and stuff, but was never brave enough to express myself because of how controlling she was. Then I got in a relationship with a dude who was the same as my mom. We broke up like 4 or so years ago and from that point on I got really into finding myself. Through the relationships I had and then by myself and now I’m here today. I know I’m not fully realized just yet, but I feel that I am externally expressing the person I am internally and I’m pretty proud of that. So thank you for sharing because it’s always nice to know you’re not alone and I’m happy you also were able to get back to the true you :)
Thank you. Thank you for making this and telling your story.
Nice that you're back to 100 percent yourself! From some of your stories like this one, you could easily make a movie.
❤️❤️❤️ loved this..i go through phases of dressing in colorful rainbow outfits one day and all black the next, really depends on my mood and how i felt that day but my exes hated it because i rarely dressed “normal”, they would always berate me and try to get me to be “normal”..but i like what i like and realized that being true to myself is what makes me happy.
So happy for your happy ending, and I hope to find my “stuart” one day.
You are amazing Milady!
I felt the same thing when I came back into the scene after being gone for a few years: it seemed like the freaking GOTH Apocalypse Now!
I felt so very strange: I couldn't understand this new generation of GOTHS or how the whole subculture had changed so much!
You are so right in your views, so right in your description of the 90's scene!
Welcome back Milady! YOU are a TRUE GOTH Princess!
💋🌹💜🎩💀♠✝🌑👀
That was brave of you to post this video. I understand a bit more about your passion for the culture, because you almost lost it in yourself. I dealt with a psychologically controlling person for several years, as well. He did not exactly tell me how to be, but he did drain me of self-respect over time to where I did not really even try anymore. Only God gave me my second wind. I am glad you found someone who loves you for who you are. Once you have that, even for just a while, it becomes addictive.
glad you are coming out your stories it helps a lot of people with the struggle of their relationships and identity as members of the sub-culture, and i am so happy for you that you no longer feel the damage of your past relationship and you returning to the person who identify as, there are lots of points and stuff you said that speaks to me but your last sentence in the video is a really powerful one it speaks a lot to me , it truly helps Thank you, you are giving me hope and many others ^_^ , and i hope one day i can finally feel free of my shackles that binds me mentally and be and be free who i am without judging myself harshly because of what people might think.
Ps: when i saw the word toxic i first thought of toxic tears dunno why my mind blurred the rest of the sentence and thought this is a collab video yet as soon as i heard the topic of the video of why people just fall out of the scene it reminded me of how many people/friends i know who fall out of the scene including me but mostly for different reasons ( growing up, and there is no such thing as clubs (yes sad but true, and there was a time where music where harshly frowned upon) + there is rarely even enough people to truly call it a scene ) yet the reason i mentioned toxic tears is because somehow seeing her pop-up in my feed 2 years ago including few of the awesome goth youtubers including you Mrs.Angela who made me feel so happy and alive again knowing the sub-culture isn't dead and there are still awesome people who can proudly call themselves goth not fashion models, and it made me see feel as if i am not truly lost.
So Mrs. Angela So thank you very much!!
On a side note: You totally cought me off gaurd with your pictures o,o i never excepted them to be like and wow never knew you were a model/actress. hope you are having fun and really enjoying your time with whatever career you have.
wish you all the best miss!
You are amazing. I enjoy your videos so much. Even if I wasn't interested in the goth subculture, I would still get lost in your videos. I am glad you were able to find yourself again. I've not been a babybat that long, but I was shamed by one person who told me I looked shady and sinister because of my makeup and told me to photoshop my pictures so I looked more feminine.(He also said that his words were just helpful advice.) My husband is super supportive in whatever I do. I'm glad you found Stuart.
I am glad that you got out of a toxic relationship. I had a few of them myself but they were not under the same circumstances as yours. It's terrible how some people want their partners to change in such a forceful manner. Like what is the point of being with that person if you don't completely like or respect who they are? It makes no sense, but I am glad you got out of it and found someone that is enjoying you for who you are. I just am a baby bat because I never realized all the music I grew up with was considered goth and when I did it all clicked. I am shocked just as much at the fact that it has been so commercialized to the point that it lost its DIY beginnings. Thanks to you it inspired me to go out and find cheaper pieces which I have and make them my own. I just finally get to be comfortable with who I am and am starting to believe that I am a pretty girl once again.
I needed this today. Thank you.
I feel you... I gone through similar feelings. Thanks you so much💕💕💕💕
I love you. I needed this so badly. I can't believe I'm not the only one who had gone through this scenario. I'm still recovering... but, nonetheless. Thank you 🖤
that part about making a wish on a star was really beautiful to me for some reason.
I had dealt with something like this, I'm really happy to know you got yourself out of that relationship and met someone who encouraged who you were
In my youth, I had dealt with some situations where I would date someone and they wouldn't accept who I was and those relationships ended quickly. My worst situation had to be my ex before I met my husband. My ex was a goth, or so it seemed and in our first year I was happy. I wasn't ridiculed or tried to be pressured to change or anything. But, he fell out of the music and the subculture, which was fine I still accepted him, but things changed when he started to ridicule me. I love listening to my music and singing along to it and he started to say "Why are you singing along with that emo trash?"
Eventually, it ended. I met my husband and he isn't goth and his family is very conservative, I was scared to be ridiculed again, I loved my husband a lot when I met him and I'm a hopeless romantic and desired to be loved so after years of others trying to change me, I changed for him without even knowing if he'd love me as me I just assumed he wouldn't love me as a goth. But, it turned out he saw that I was lost and was basically a void when I changed myself, so he nurtured and encouraged me to be goth again and no matter what his parents said he always defended me and boosted my confidence. Even though he isn't goth, he loved me for who I was and I'm so happy I married him and had our first child together
@angelabenedict, girl! You got me crying with this.. I went through a similar situation with my ex husband.. I grew up in the 80's, small town in Indiana. I had also put out a wish for love.. Then I meet this Floridian. I thought he was it. I also was going through some horrible stuff.. 2 friends had recently died. I was ready for an escape. I married him and moved to Florida. I had nobody there but him. He ridiculed everything about me. I stayed for 18 years due to the fact that we had 4 kids. In the end I did not recognize myself in the mirror. It's been almost 8 years since I left. I have a wonderful man now who is the one that has helped me to find my way home to the darkness..
I have told you before that you are one of my favorite UA-camrs. I love your stories and everything you do! You are amazing and so beautiful! Inside and out..
I’m so sry for all you went through honey, but it’s so wonderful that you found yourself again and are really back. 💜🦇 I wish I had seen this several years ago due to going through similar experiences, not only with my ex, but also ex family members and people in the town I currently live in. It has been a long road getting back to me and standing up for myself; also living in a place where I am literally the only goth. Blessings and love beautiful soul 💜💜🦇