"Yeah but"...How the Scapegoat Survivor Discounts their Strengths
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- Опубліковано 19 жов 2024
- In today's video I describe the deeply embedded rule that the scapegoat child not know their strengths. An effective way of doing this is to add a caveat or 'yeah, but...' to signs of prowess and value. These caveats are convincing to the scapegoat child - especially when they operate unconsciously. Scapegoat survivors can persist this practice after childhood. I will offer an explanation - based on attachment theory - for why this happens. Last, I discuss how therapy can help you know it is now safe to stop caveating your strengths.
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
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The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.c...
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Pathological envy from narcissistic people is very real and so destructive. They are constantly scanning the surrounding environment to secure their predominance. Team work in the business environment is nearly impossible.
yeah, they are the "team leaders" with own interests at heart..
I feel like pathological is an understatement. Not that it is incorrect in the slightest but that it is so all pervading and insidious that it's as though it is a synthetic chemical added to their being.
I Tragically been a victim of multiple narcissistic people and the Envy of these people is so intense that I almost collapsed in my nervous system cannot handle it
I am kind, compassionate, giving, caring. Also talented…I’m an accomplished seamstress, crocheter, jewelry maker. Narcissist mother is insanely jealous as is covert narcissist sister. Enabler father made me know that anything artistic is a waste of his time…it just doesn’t matter. I was doomed as a kid 😢☹️. Now an adult, I’m fully embracing me and strongly living my authentic self. Thanks Jay for your work and encouragement.
A waste of his time until he needs his zipper fixed or button sewed back on!!! I like sewing too, I'm no expert, by far, but I love creating things with my own hands no matter what the material. Sounds like you do too.
@@SendItForward
Oh my goodness!! Yep. I don’t even show him what I create. I participate with 2 groups at local senior center and we crochet to donate baby items to hospital, afghans to veterans, shawls for cancer patients, lap blankets to nursing homes. Now come on!!! What’s better than that!?! He doesn’t get why I do all that as a volunteer. He feels I should get paid to do it. Nope!! I’d rather give of me and my talent. The Lord will bless my ❤️ to give.
My, I LOVE CROCHETED stuff. The way I look at it is, one day "ain't nobody gonna GIVE him NOTHING" bc "you reap what you sew 😉" and he wouldn't appreciate it ANYWAY.
Yes you are!!!!!! Remember that
Self-deprecation as survival.
Wow makes so much sense.. that explains what someone told me once he said ‘you have confidence in your talent - but no confidence in yourself’
I just put in a request for my local library to get this book in. I suggest everyone does the same, even if you plan to buy it, because it will help so many others. So grateful for Jay Reid.
He's the truth. Salute
Good idea. I did it.
Amazing. There is no monetary value worth your content. What you are doing for the world is priceless. God bless you.
You are a very effective advocate for scapegoated survivors of narcissistic abuse. Thank you. I will need more than your videos to evolve beyond coping. But your work is very validating and encouraging. You are destigmatizing me and normalizing me. Of course I need to take responsibility for my self but part of this means recognizing how others have hurt me and deflected the consequences of harming me.
That was really amazingly put ~ agree and feel the same way 💙
Very well stated. I wish you well. Blessings. I am also the scapegoat adult child of a narcissistic mother. We are WARRIORS!
I like to hear others feeling validated and warm again like I do, from cold narcs all over the world.
I was taught that feeling proud about me, anything I make or accomplish means I’m conceited. So I stuffed the feeling of pride, as I did all my other feelings. My high school sewing projects were prize winning but didn’t matter when I was a girl. Now….my father is busy telling folks “and in high school, she made a full length tailored coat”. If he’d has a button down shirt on, the buttons would’ve popped off. He didn’t communicate that “ I’m so proud of you”, to me 50 years ago.
It's some form of gaslighting. You can say "you've never been proud of me" and then he'll say no you've lying but they are never proud in the moment. But they will remember being proud of you in the past. It's all a sick headgame.
😢😮This is what I did....for years and still do. So very sad that we're treated so badly and succeed in life? Nothing I did was ever good enough but now I don't care. I've decided to take back my life and help myself to heal😊
👍
Dr Reid, you are a genius.
Reed*
YOU ARE SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ME...AND MANY THOUSANDS OF OTHER SCAPEGOATS!! UNDERSTANDABLE...CONSISE... THOROUGH. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH ❤️🥰❤️ You are a skilled teacher.
AMEN!!
You are the best therapist because you lived it too
Agree noone can describe it like this only who lived it.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed when I see all the healing I need, but the other day, God gave me a Word from Psalm 23. It was that HE restores my soul! The pain and the mess is too deep for me to fix through my own understanding. Lately, when those feelings of overwhelm come, I've just been casting them on Jesus and I am feeling instant wholeness. I guess that's what the Cross was for. Not only that Christ bore my sin, but also the hurt, shame and abuse and confusion that's been projected on me as a scapegoat. Christ was a scapegoat for us and we can be with him "outside the camp."
I’m spiritual (not religious) and absolutely agree there is supernatural strength, assistance, healing available to us from the Creator of Us All!
🕊️💙🌎
@Soliel ... your feelings of overwhelm come in, you acknowledge, then cast off to Jesus. You then get a sense of instant wholeness. This is the exact teachings of Eckhart Tolle. When people live in the present moment and not have their thoughts going around and around, you're able to recognize and cast. This place of wholeness you enter after casting to Jesus is none other than the kingdom that Jesus talks about. Tolle also talks about how a lot of abuse pushes the mind into the present moment. The power of NOW. It sounds as though you have been enlightened and have awoken. Much love to you and your healing. : D
I remember reading ‘as the scapegoat in a narcissistic household, you learn to see love where there is none’ boy did that hit home.
Wow! Thank you so much. Your message takes a load off me. I'm 67 and still struggle with self-deprecation which I realized is actually harmful to me and to my dreams of having more healthy friendships and of my gaining decently remunerated work serving others. The truths you impart with such boldness, depth and clarity give me fresh hope, even while I can't entirely escape from my narcissistic brother and his astonishing manipulation of me, family group dynamics, and economic reality of each family members. (My father who passed a few years ago was a rare case of a raging narcissist who recovered much of his goodness in his old age)
He didn’t. He just wanted to make sure he’d be looked after.
I'm so sorry to hear that you, too, we're the victim of a Narcissistic parent. I hope you are getting help to reclaim your life. This therapist was also the scapegoated child, as I was, and you may find his videos helpful. Thank you, again, and please take care of yourself. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. It's your dad who was the unhealthy one. It's so freeing to know that!😊
@@fatamorgana223 Exactly. They change ways, but never change. Ever.
@lovesing@us Thank you for sharing. When did you realize your family was toxic? It took me until late in life. I am still in the process of realizing how problematic childhood was. My sibling has strong narcissistic characteristics, and I also realize I was damaged by my parents, too, and may contribute to my relationship problems. My mother was probably more damaging than my father; current psychological literature suggest mothers are more responsible for childhood trauma than dads. Where was your mother when your dad was abusing you? Did she protect you? My biggest regret is that I lack the ability to determine who is still abusing me. Why do I care so much about people who don't care about me? When I object to the treatment I receive from these people, I always wind up ostracized.
@@nancybartley4610 I'm sorry to hear your path has been so rough. To answer your question about when I realized my family was toxic (and by the way, my family also has some healthy, loving aspects,) - I think I might have always felt
my families pathology deep in my bones since the day I was born, but it took me untilI I got into therapy as a young adult to begin to fully embrace that difficult truth and begin to articulate it. My mom did protect me the best she could,, I think, given her experience of her own dysfunctional family and her lack of a strong role model or advocacy tools.
My parents have both died but now my brothers can be super difficult and abusive to me (although they also both have some good qualities too, ) so I keep practicing healthy boundaries which I find quite difficult at times. My baby steps keep making me proud of myself, give me joy and make me less easy to push around.
I hope you don't mind if I say I think you sound wise and perceptive and I beg to differ when you say you lack the ability to determine who is still abusing you. I totally believe you - that you feel that you can't figure it out - but I''m thinking maybe you WILL be able to figure it out. After all, you're searching honestly, and, well, I happen to personally believe that honest searchers tend to be rewarded for their courage and curiosity, by finding truths they seek, I hope that doesn't sound preachy.
Thank you, Jay, for bringing light to so much that happened in our lives.
It seems there were two paths for us children: some of us escaped as often as we could (we knew something was terribly wrong), while others clung to our narcissist mother and became her codependents and enablers. She did her best to control us, and exploit, envy, and/or diminish every success we had.
Thank you Jay. I used to always live in hope that someday I would be worthy of the love of others. Your videos have really helped me to realize that I’m already good enough,
Wake up people your amazing
I didn't even feel like an adult until I was 38. It's so strange. I didn't even see that I had choices. Once I learned about NPD I wrnt no contact and started to feel better but due to the time wasted, and how much older I was and behind everyone else my age, I still felt like a kid. Playing catch up is no fun. Constant self doubt is no fun. Just gotta take it day by day.
I'm 34 but feel 13 some days
This is true.
If this makes any sense, my mother loves to highlight and inflate my mistakes or challenges. Whenever something “bad” happens with me…she’s all over it. She makes sure that everyone knows. She makes it worst than what it is she places all of her focus on it. If something good happens or I accomplish something, she downplays it and makes it seem like it’s not that great.
Your book is the final piece allowing me to decode what happened over 50+ years ago.
Therapy in my 30's did not have this piece of understanding the full dynamic of how I was trapped in the abuse but did the wisest thing possible to survive. This is a monumental piece to my healing! THANK YOU!!!
I was aware of this happening but thought it was so my younger brother wasn't made to feel bad and that I was "showing off" .... turns out about all my male relatives are narcissists but my brother and dad are covert so it seemed normal.
My dad used to always say “He is intelligent, but…”
I have bought your book, and am quite blown away by the clarity and variety of topics you describe in relation to having a narcissistic parent. I want to say "Yes, absolutely" to everything you have to say. At last I am learning why, for example, I can study nicely (I have several degrees including a PhD), but putting it into practice is difficult, fraught, and often unsuccessful; I broke off all contact with family members when I was about 27, changed my name to one that reflects my own values not my family's, and I'm 82 now, still working hard at basic supportive friendships. It seems that now therapists are willing to believe that mothers (my primary abuser was my mother) can have some evil qualities; when I was somewhat younger that subject seemed to be forbidden, at least by the therapists I saw. I wish you all kinds of success with your book, which fills a real need.
Wow, you just answered one of my questions concerning why I could obtain a difficult degree/s but couldn't use it in my life as a career. I had believed the narratives about myself from certain ppl and found it difficult to believe in me and my views much less the ability to defend my views as right.
Wow wow wow. So much light 💡 thank you.
Yes and yes to the content. Thank You Dr Jay Reid. have bought your book. It arrives 27th March. Happy St Patrick’s Day all ☘️
To you too! 🍀! 💚
Thanks Jay your videos continue to amaze with your uniquely highlighted profound insights.
the child feels unwelcomed into the world...oh how that speaks to my painful childhood...thank you for reaching out into that part of my pain as if you were there with me in that desperate, desolate space.
You are SUCH a blessing and a gift, thank you so much for all your help. Blessings to you and your family 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Thank you again, you’re sweet ,honest and knowledgeable demeanor are priceless
@13:05 Wow. This explains a lot. So helpful to get clarification on confusing and conflicting emotions. Can't wait to read the book!
I am so excited that you wrote that book. I just ordered it. Somehow its mere existence feels cathartically (not a word) validating or something. I feel a sense of relief. I've been watching your videos for a couple of years now. I'm so grateful for the stuff you put out. Thank you sincerely.
Agree, it’s going to be nice just to have it as a visual, physical reminder after reading it/even on days I don’t re-read passages. Audible is my go-to most often for “reading” but this is one well worth the physical experience of full attention and as a visual totem 💜
This is absolutely a 100% true. I hide my successes from even myself. Now I remember, and this is the first time, I remember the 14-18 year old me. And now I see that person terrified my father. I was liked by friends, girls, I was successful in anything I started, I was even underground-wise famous because of music. And my "father" was there like the hopeless complete mess he was and is as a man, a father, a business man, or just a neighbor. Narcissists, if you just take away their cruelty and all, failed so much in life character-wise that it is crazy.
Narcissists literally can not do a shopping without making a complete fool of themselves. Few months ago I was shopping with my NPD grandma. She wanted to buy a box of cooking fat. And turned out, the plastic box had fat on it on the outside (WHAT a surprise!! 2mg of fat came out of one of the boxes), and asked for a plastic bag from the store clerk, because "It has fat on it". Lady was like, looking at me with almost a blink, smiling, asking my grandma "Yeah? The fat has fat on it?". Crazy.
Oh my goodness...you explain this SO WELL!!! It's me, I am a "Terry". My whole life!
Thanks for this- just ordered your book. Looking forward to a good read.
This is so sad but exactly what I needed to hear today. It doesn’t allow for a full range of self esteem or one’s self esteem comes out in distorted ways, like feeling good about yourself for taking care of somebody more than you should, or spikes of envy and comparison when someone else feels ease and can comfortably accept accolades for themselves. Like, well, I can do the exact same thing, even better than how they did it, but I don’t go around broadcasting it! It’s an angered mourning for being discouraged from inhabiting our own strengths and that they went under-recognized and subtly punished so that you can’t even enjoy that part of yourself. For me it can fill me with deep background shame and I feel disconnected even when I’m with people doing something that’s supposed to be fun. It’s often why I feel more relaxed doing things alone bc I can keep the attention on myself and not scan the other people or accidentally absorb their garbage. Really great video. The ease when someone does recognize the good things in me (and it’s expressed in a manner and at a rate that I can tolerate and believe) is so appreciated. Giving someone that sense of ease that those parts of themselves that they weren’t encouraged to recognize can come to the surface as a normal way to be in the world if a real gift you can give a person.
Hello , and I'm very happy and grateful to meet you and all your beautiful community!
Found you recently on Darren's F Magee channel , still catching up with your videos, received your free ebook and will join your fb community also - happy and grateful!
I am the scapegoated surviving child of 4 with 2 super narcissistic parents, still trying at 55 to figure out which one of them was worse 🤭, and a twin brother that seemslike he became my both parents together. For some reason I have been, and still am, the one calling people out, born with this talent I suppose so yes, I had a rough life time. BUT !!! I survived so far! I've lived and learned more than most of the people! And for everyone in this community to know, WE ARE HEROES! I wanted to thank everybody here and you especially to you! Many gratefully thanks, bless you all! ❤️
Just finished reading your new book. Outstanding contribution with detailed coherent information that helps the scapegoated individual understand the impact of mistreatment. That and your roadmap approach to transform out of internal pain and confusion and move to their inner freedom and excitement to be their best self.
Thank you for speaking so eloquently and providing so much context in your videos. This was such a great one for understanding some current patterns of how I speak to myself, some of which I couldn't see clearly before and have been struggling to articulate why I'm struggling. Thank you for these videos
I bought your book and every setence is healing, thank you! As a scapegoated truth seer and teller, which due to childhood trauma (unrelated to my parents' narcissism) got the deep seated beliefs that it is unsafe for my livelyhood to both comply with someone else's distorted view of reality, or for them to view me in a negative light, I experienced many years of agonizing pain, cognitive dissonances and dissociation. I felt I was in a whirlwind, where I could see outside, I could also extend my hand and reach out, but didn't have the power to stop the spinning. I eventually got out, I was in therapy and I studied narcissism for years already, but until your channel and explanations I didn't realize the actual impact everything had on my very sense of self, a self which was waiting in the shadows to be healed and validated. Thank you
This fits me a tee, word for word.
And then my other parent would get annoyed with me and strongly correct me that I wasn't acting confident enough, had no idea what I went through. I was damned if I survive, & damned if I collapse - no way to ever get out of being constantly tweaked, corrected, made wrong, attacked etc, either way you cut it. Recipe for breakdown, chronic illness & fatigue, poor life choices, failure to launch & mental exhaustion/illness.
But I'm still here, keeping on in the good 😄💪✊️
I feel this so deeply. Every time I acted confidently my mom would cut me down. Every time I cowered my dad would criticize me for not acting confidently. If I said something about to mom she'd go ballistic and then make lies to get me in trouble with dad. If I told dad how mom was he'd call me a liar because all Christian women were good mothers.
There was never a way to just be. I was constantly nit picked until I developed debilitating OCD.
Hey Jay, congratulations on publishing your book! You're one of my fave narc experts. I'll pick it up the first chance I get.
Great topic I forgot about this topic I was aware of when younger. Didn't realize how strong and pervasive this dynamic is. I succumbed to this transaction when young but now trying to outgrow it and feel a bit better about myself but bewildered by the ferocious pushback.
Thank you thank you 🙏🏻 you’ve saved my life.
I finally understand and now I can finally heal! ❤🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
Jay, you are the best YTer in knowing about narc abuse and how it affects us. I am good crying and feeling so freaking validated right now. I am really good at what I do and other's know this too, but still let people walk on me. Finally realizing what is going on is a step up in the right direction. Can't thank you enough Jay for your insights and great videos on scapegoats.
Thank you for writing this book! I refuse to support Amazon, so I will see if my local bookstore can order it. If you have a link to another way to purchase it, let me know.
So spot on. One of your best here Jay thank you. I am turning the corner and treating myself the way I want and with love (finally!) best to everyone on here. Scapegoats no more. Power and love to ourselves.
I had this as well and I really struggle in job interviews to adequately represent myself without feeling like I’ll get a jealous reaction or the potential boss to be threatened
Thank you for saying what my inner child cannot verbalize , it literally healed my spine after healing it adjusted , my posture changed back before I allowed them to break me fully when I still had fight left in me before fully submitting to fawning .
I can see beyond the caveats now. I can live in a way that honors myself as mostly equal to others and it have given me immense levels of peace and joy in the present moment. My question is, how do I hold onto that concept or feeling of "I'm an ok person and it's safe to live that way" when my body sweeps in as a reaction to my happiness, and cuts off the parts of myself that resonate with the peace and joy of being me? It's like i completely forget and it doesn't feel real anymore. Is there a particular strategy for bringing myself back when I'm getting swept up in the feelings of "everything is wrong with me"?
I’ve done so much emotional work already, based not so much on delving into childhood but using the law of attraction to trigger any childhood emotions.
But your videos have really made something click. About how I treat myself how others treat me.
After running away I built myself up into a shadow of my dream. But people liked me. And I was desperately proving my father and I felt everyone wrong about me. I got myself very healthy and fit. Followed passions. Explored. Found beautiful women that liked me on a few occasions.
But after a relationship failure where I got treated as though I was an abuser. And then spiralled down.
My dreams and delusions were shattered. My facade broke. But crucially i began 4 year period of self attack, self judgement.
I’ve healed much in that time. But I’ve began to treat myself a my father did.
Love these, Jay. Sometimes we don't realize it's a "thing" until you point it out. I do this one ALL the time! I will try to be kinder to myself and acknowledge my strengths. Any confidence I showed was met with , "Well, I guess you're just full of yourself aren't you?", from Dad.
I’d link these caveats to that amazing analogy you gave in a previous video Jay, the extra-empathy being an ‘ice-pick’ to try get some way of survive the impossible sheer surfaces we had to navegate. Caveats might be part of that sane dynamic.
Thanks so much as always for your amazingly concise and insightful content! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
*same
Very excited about your book! Your videos are so insightful I imagine the book will be a great read!
Congratulations on your book!!🎉
I know it’s gonna be great and excited to read it! I hope you do an audible for it (if you want)☀️ that’s a really great cover picture/design too!!
Seconded!!! Congratulations!!! It would be amazing to have an audible version too please🙏🏼
Thankfully to find you 🙏💕
Was waiting for you to write a book. I just ordered it!👍 Thank you!
It was always very uncomfortable when my family would give me compliments. I knew that I had to fight them on it and tell them how wrong they are and insult myself. I’m not entirely sure why they complimented me, maybe it’s because they enjoyed making me uncomfortable, maybe because they liked listening to me give my reasons for why I am actually bad, or maybe they were just using me as an object to do good deeds upon, for the sole purpose of feeling good about themselves, with no intention of it making me feel good. I think they pretty much only ever complimented me on my appearance though.
I just know that it felt wrong every time. As a little girl I used to hide myself up in big ugly clothing and intentionally keep my hair dirty, after every shower when my hair looked pretty I remember as quickly as possible running to my room because I was terrified of letting anyone see me like that.
I also could not walk normally into a room wearing normal clothes without my mom and older sister slapping my butt really hard out of nowhere, startling the life out of me, to take pleasure in me getting scared and angry. They’d then say how they can’t help themselves because my ‘little butt is too cute’ and accuse me of being a bad person for not taking a ‘compliment’.
I’m really curious about if anyone else have similar experiences with being complimented by your abusers and it making you feel bad instead of good
What it feels like - is what it is.. if it didn’t make you feel good I’d suggest it’s not really a compliment, they are just labelling it that. Like when kids tease others and then blame them for not laughing because ‘it was only a joke’
Yes, I received both compliments and criticisms, which both felt undeserved. Somehow, the compliments felt exaggerated and were not confirmed by the outside world. I guess that inflating and deflating the ego achieve the same thing in disconnecting you from reality...possibly controlling you?
When I was young, if I looked at myself in the mirror and got caught, I would be shamed into thinking I was vain. To this day, I still don't use mirrors that much. Sometimes I find myself thinking about how ugly I must look to people and then I catch my reflection somewhere and I see the I look nice. It is so strange how I think vryone else is so much better than me, but if I try to bring myself up to a more true potential, I am terrified people will abuse me..."You think you're so good, don't you. You think you are better than me" is what they would say ... and yet, they have nothing to show for themselves, even with all their wealth.
Jay, the part where you said that malignant narcissists are prone to envy, and attack or discount those they envy really struck a chord with me!
I’m starting to wonder if this is what made my worst high school bully hate me so much when I never said nor did anything to her….she couldn’t stand that I got to be the center of attention with boys because I was easy, and she succeeded in turning them against me even though they knew me and she didn’t, and she hypocritically became the easiest girl in my school, going further than I did, smoking, drugs, trouble with the law for shoplifting, but according to her, I was a slut and every other insult you could imagine. She never let up, and yeah, she thought she was something special who had a right to judge and project shame onto me.
It might also explain an obese, elderly widow with health problems who moved into my condo building over 4 years ago and kept getting the security department after my husband with lies and she wouldn’t quit, and wrote about us to the HOA some time after I yelled at her and gave her a piece of my mind. She would provoke me and get security over again to tell me to stay away from her, playing victim, while making our lives hell.
My husband had been wanting to move away from there years before, for financial reasons, but she probably thinks that we finally left last year solely because of her and is quite pleased with herself because I’m not there to outshine her.
Hey, I was the star of the show. Her day in the sun had come and gone a century ago. Sucks to be a bitter old hag who can’t breathe, yet she never shuts her mouth.
I just don’t understand why I’m still repeating this same cycle of being targeted by narcissistic attack??
As I’ve been processing past trauma I’ve stayed out of romantic relationships. I’ve HAD to give up work. The one thing I have is my creativity and every time I initiate a project or put something out there, the most awful awful people come after me!! They have way more power and success, so why can’t they just leave me alone? I want it to stop!!
Of course it echoes childhood. Every newfound joy, sabotaged and taken from me.
And no having your ideas copied is NOT a compliment.
People being competitive in the extreme, is NOT a compliment.
It’s AGGRESSION……..
I, too, was raised by a covert, narcissist, mother
I was born artistic And this was a problem…
I also started sewing and designing my own clothes, very early in life … like you, people kept copying my my style and designs.
And they had no shame about it. They would flat out say hey I’m gonna take that design. It’s a great idea. I’m gonna have a mass produce in something like turkey or Bali and they did. !!!
I finally grew up by the time I was 50😂 and when they wanted to normalize, they’re copying me and that everybody does it, and that it’s a compliment… I’d say well actually, it isn’t a compliment at all
It’s called intellectual property and also flat out taking my garment and having it mass produced behind my back and then act like we’re friends - I said friends don’t do that!
I’m also quite inventive, and have come up with an invention that I have to keep under wraps until I can afford to get a patent .
I do think these past acquaintances who copy me do understand patents !
Well, I best sign off before I write a book 😆
Thank you, Jay, for your fine videos. Most helpful.
Please consider narrating your own audiobook. Many prefer listening to reading. Thank you for your wonderful videos.
Dear Jay! I am very gratefull for your content!
For some reason I have always found it harder to watch your videos in full lenght, than the videos of others with the same kind of content. Today I realized why! The sound of the water fall in the back..
It takes a lot of my energy.. - Guess I am quite sound sensitive?
Would you consider turning it off, when filming?
Thank you again for everything that you do!
Jay, thank you for the incredible detail that you put into your "case studies" - I think this builds the mental images necessary for me to relate to my own experiences (memories). As a hypnotherapist myself, mental imagery requires detailed descriptiveness in order to get lost in the experience and I think this is important because it is accessing the subconsious directly as well as understanding logically - this is a formula for healing traumatic memories - subconscious & conscious working together. Hence I think this is why your descriptions are really helping people ...definitely me anyway. I am becoming a really big fan of your work - you also avoid attacking the narcissists themselves which is a refreshing angle - one which I think helps loosen the "victim" belief that can get indirectly impressed in our minds by blaming the narcissist. Sure, we need to understand what happened - but it's when we start pointing fingers & blaming aggressively that I think it works against us.
I started just seeing your contents on narcissistic abuse on your channel, I didn’t know what it was, all I knew was I was going crazy. This was one of the videos that validated my experience so much. Thank you very much for the work you do.
damnnnn, homey g, you are awesome and very appreciated
Thank you so much for this video. I have watched many on this subject and read much but never have I heard it so succinctly explained. My narc mother is 91 and I am 65 and still trying to get ahead. I now have some supportive people in my life and am determined to succeed. I find feelings of fear coming up from nowhere and although painful I realise these are deeper layers coming up for release. Bless you Jay for doing this work. ❤️
Your book is outstanding Jay! ❤You continue to bring more understanding & growth through every chapter.
Amazing insights! You've been on fire lately! So grateful for sharing this knowledge, it makes all the difference in the world! 🙏🙏
Woooooooow ❤❤❤
dang, jay, you're coming right at me today.
thank you
Jay, I thank you greatly. There aren’t words for the level of understanding, validation, and compassion I get to receive through your videos. Really happy to see you are still producing content and I hope you continue to do so. Thank you again 🙏 will pay it forward.
I was "helped" with discounting whenever a teacher said something good about me. My scapegoaters would just laugh. So I concluded that if anybody said anything good about me, they must not see the real me.
So exciting with the new book,congratulations! The picture is so lovely and very fiting. I look forward to read it. I have also sent a request to a bookstore here in Norway,maybe it end up here also.🤞🤩
Thank you for great support and validation. It has helped me a lot.
Your book is awesome🎉!
Thanks, needed this reminder!!
Thank you so much 🥰 you are so on point. ❤
I hope you are well Jay, take care of yourself
Excellent video. The subject was very well covered. I experienced a complete evaporation of my scapegoat experience having come to see the depth, width and breadth of this subject. The caveat will apply to others like my daughter who needs it quite badly. With this I have no need. Perhaps because of all the other therapies and methods that were implemented in my life. Cutting contact with the narcissist probably did the most. WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!! I feel wonderful!!
Man that describes me. Thank you Jay.
This is so helpful. I can relate to this on every level. I have just purchased your book and look forward to gaining more insight. Thank you so much for these very helpful videos and congratulations for publishing your book. Sincere thanks from Scotland 🙏🙏
Thank you so much for your amazing content
Great video thanks for sharing
Thanks ❤
Thank you Jay, this makes me realise how much I am still unconsciously unable to leave the empty well hoping for water to come out of it. Many many years of therapy haven't been successful in cutting the umbilical cord and hope is waning a bit but your insights are helping restore some.
Your videos are so helpfull, thank you so much!!!
Thank you so much for going about the topic so hands-on and respectful! Highly appreciated :)
You are so welcome!
I wonder in large families how one child is identified as a scapegoat. We had a family of eight kids, but one child in the middle was identified as the scapegoat.
I think my solution was fake happiness. I pretended to be happy so as not to bother anyone while always being extremely miserable as I carefully avoided all my genuine needs and wants. It's what I believed I had to do to maintain any sort of attachment.
Jay, I am wondering if your new book includes detailed descriptive case study narratives like your videos ?
The scapegoated child has to be nothing for the narcissistic parent to be something. I felt like I was worthless unless I was doing something my parents wanted. I had to go no contact for my mental health.
I often get asked how come my English is so good, and I used to answer that it was because my (narcissist) mother was a translator. But it's not true! My mother never taught me one word of English. Actually, it was quite the opposite, she didn't want us to learn English because my father and her would use it as "secret code" to say stuff in front of us, which might have been the initial motivation (cracking the code).
But for the past 3 years or so I've been telling the truth "I just have one of those brains that pick up languages pretty quickly" (I speak 2 other languages fluently and learned 3 others without going as deep).
It feels a bit braggy, so I often feel compelled to contrast it by saying that in the meantime, my brains don't do well in social interactions or something else I'm not really good at...
Can you make a video on how to avoid narcs?
Thanks.
What is a healthy way to see the abuse for what it is and realize it won't ever be different?
In my experience gaining distance has a lot to do with it. When I was close to my parents I always fell back to the unrealistic hope I could fix something. Being a scapegoat (and due to the usual brain fog at their place) I thought: as I was the root cause of the emotional family disaster I would somehow be responsible for a solution. As soon as I got more distance - and with the help of a therapist - I realized they never will change because they don't want to. I can only change myself and this starts with recognizing, that I was not that cause in the first place (all of the infos of Jay helped me so much with this too). I must admit, gaining distance was very tough, and I'm still struggling with guilt feelings (same as before just with different words in my mind). Wish you good luck.
@@sinesolesoleo5474 I don't feel guilty about staying away and not responding. I can see the behavior toward me as being their internalized mentality. The group has been really clear they aren't interested in a relationship that is mutual. The fact is there are unresolved problems, I'm wanting to know what is a healthy way of dealing with not being able to do anything about that.
@@203blessings Sorry, I hope you will get a more helpful answer. I guess what I'm doing in this respect is not a good way to do it as I just try to ignore this kind of problems and hope the consequences won't be too bad.
@@sinesolesoleo5474 the continuation of the sadistic malicious games pacify the group. I can see they need to do that like an addiction. The cycle has been played out and should come to a natural end.
I was the scapegoat …however, I’m not convinced my father and mother were narcissists, but they were both raised in outrageously broken and in the case of my father dangerous families.
I’m curious, if the untreated, traumatized, self medicating , insecure , rigid parent can behave similar to a narcissist but not actually be one?
I knew my narc parent was worth nothing to me, maybe instinctively. I tried to stay away from the narc parent and enabler as much as I could by being busy with homework and practicing music. Further I just lived my life and heard them tonguelash me. But I was blessed, I knew they were wrong because I excelled in school and music. What could they Excell in?Nothing.Got out as soon as I could.
I never put on new or nice clothes when I go and visit my family because my mum and sister would beat me up with words for looking nice when I was younger. I remember every single time I thought I looked pretty I would get hateful critical comments.
T o p! ❤
IMO the thing is, when you don't caveat your own strengths then you can't caveat the strengths others applied to you in evaluating you in a poor manner. And so, there is no way out from under the crush of their strength.