WHY THE INFJ "LOVES" BEING BREADCRUMBED | ANXIOUS & AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
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- Опубліковано 28 тра 2024
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INFJ Life Coach Lesson: Discover why INFJs are drawn to breadcrumbing, and how it can lead to anxious attachment. While we may recognize when we're being manipulated, as INFJs, we find enjoyment in the process. Understanding this behavior can empower us to use it as a tool for creating positive outcomes in our lives. Join us as we explore this trending topic of breadcrumbing and its impact on the INFJ personality.
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What is your experience with people trying to "breadcrumb" you as an INFJ?
I became friends with someone knew. I thought "you know what? Maybe I will step out & socialise". He had loads of graded cards & I said I would sell them on my eBay account (for free). I took them, took pictures, put up 200+ listings, dealt with all the admin, wrapped in bubble wrap, put in letter & sent. I made him £1600. I kept the books & there was £400 to pay him which I had used (accidentally) for my bills. I said I'd pay back in 2 weeks (when I was paid). He accused me of trying to steal & swindle money off him (threatened to call the police) & sue me. Luckily I had ALL the literally receipts. I paid him back & door slammed. People are massive pricks.
#1 It’s nice to be understood.
# 2 It’s good to remind ourselves that we do this (urge to help whomever have an epic life, at the expense of our own epic life). Appreciate ya Wenzes❣️
@@infjmale91 Ok, but looking at the facts you are saying: You spent 400$ of his money for bills.. Accidentally.. I know, but imagine it would be the other way around.. You give some valuable items to a friend that promises to sell it for you. And suddenly money is gone and you get promised you will get it later. All alarm bells go off in such a situation, because money that is gone, not always gets paid back.. The second problem is with: Expectations.. If you promise something, you are building up an expectation. Trust me: If you deliver 99% it will backlash.. You did like 75% because suddenly money was missing.. That is why it ended in a disaster.. 3) Interestingly you put yourself into that position. Why on earth would you do that for free? That must be months of work? Lesson learned? 🙂
You are so correct that people will not know how much energy and thought I put into them, but I will know. A common breadcrumb tactic that I see is when someone knows you like them, but they aren't interested. They like the attention, so the person calls every two weeks or a month or two months. They usually call in the evening or late at night, because they are bored, and you will always talk to them for as long as they want.
I dont put up with that shit, hence I have no friends. But I do like your whole loafs of bread.
I stopped filling in the blanks and concentrated on “the actions of the other person instead of words. This was true liberation.
ahhh. so true. glad i also reached the consciousness of seeing the "externally observable facts", as Wenzes often mentions. Saved so much of the tiring mental gymnastics.
A long time ago someone told me to look at what ppl are doing not what they're saying=liberaation
Stand for yourself, and you're accused of being selfish.
Put others before yourself, and you're accused of being weak with no backbone.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So, you do you and I'll do me.
That's what Rocko said, Umma do me.
I stopped this self-disrespecting behavior long ago. I only deal with ppl who are giving it back in full measures. This also exposes your enemies because they're the ones trying to ignore you, or fool you, or give you breadcrumbs. They don't give a damn about you, so why expend any thought or energy for them? I also stopped volunteering to try to solve others' problems; unless I'm getting paid for it, or my bestie is in a total crisis, I don't bother.
good for you, fella. how has it panned out for you? i am at the start of implementing it in my life. the mental gymnastics have definitely been saved.
We take care of people.. They enjoy that, but they do not see it that way..
1) nothing comes back
2) after some time it gets exhausting
I love how she words things so clearly and uniquely, it's so clear she's a free and independent thinker and makes me proud to be an INFJ 😊
It's proof positive that we can do it, too.
I've had a guy breadcrumb me in the past. He always said we would go see a movie or go out, but never made a concrete plan. I didn't bother waiting around for him though and decided to go out with friends and just spend time on my hobbies. Now I feel like the opposite. A guy would have to really know how to plan a date before I'd even be interested.
INTJ’s do this also. It allows you to keep people at a distance, and allows us to stay in our heads instead of going all in on a relationship. So, it’s really not a healthy practice and does keep you avoidant. You are keeping yourself from exploring in the real world and staying in your head
INFJs having to actively have self-discipline to put others above themselves is such a great way of phrasing the struggle.
INFJ here. I think one of the reasons I am okay with breadcrumbing especially in romantic relationships is this...I feel like a cat where if you come on too strong to me it freaks me out and I want to run away. If you are chill I will be more likely to come to you and want to curl up on your lap. Since I like my space I feel more in control. I don't know if that makes sense. I have to learn how not to be a doormat though because eventually I hit a wall and I do a full stop completely instead of just having things equally from the get go.
Like a cat, always remember how to scratch and hiss and run really fast in the other direction if needs be
I completely relate to this & have found myself so much more comfortable with a breadcrumb relationship than a suffocating one. I need my personal space, both physical and emotional.
Today most people do not have good character therefore be smart and go against the flow, be true, be fearless, be confident, and let's start the epic battle
💯
Being an INFJnis a curse really. We are slow and everything with us is slow even our fate 🙏. I am so fed up with INFJ think my all relationships are so bad and we are always alone not receiving the love we deserve. 😢
I'm an INTP and one of the things that I complain about the most is how SLOW the progress in my life seems to go. There have been countless steps that I needed to take just to get to where I am right now. I honestly thought the whole process would take like a year from start to finish... but I'm still at it 20 years later. I used to believe that other people could and would change, but that was an assumption that has been proven wrong over and over. The rate of progess in my own life moves like molasses. But the rate of progress in most other people's life is glacial... even slower than molasses. 😕
I know. I wonder if INFJ is just the wounded traumatic personality type due to an neglectic childhood. This would explains a lot of things. Same with people who is tagged as highly sensitive person, It is not a gift, is a consecuence.
❤
It's really hard to get away from thinking 'I am able to take more negative things than someone else', and not to feel responsible for someone's wellbeing. I often feel we need to get to an extreme point just for us to realize we are very much human ourself though that does leave permanent consequences.
Yeah INFJs are so motivated and determined to help other people that they often forget to help themselves and physically burn out.
I have the distinct sense of watching them playing their game... I stick around to see what happens
Me too but this time didn’t end well for me as I developed feelings and couldn’t shut them off.
INFJs are so mysterious wow
Yes. The sticking around to see.. The temptation of the chance to observe and learn and build intellect of such a situation is real.
@@ApuOnYou That happened to me once. Lesson learned in the most brutal way possible. Totally cured my curiosity after that.
That line about choosing yourself is so uncomfortably true. I’ve always felt like standing for myself makes me feel selfish, and it’s taken me way too long to see it’s not. It’s me standing for what takes care of me. I can’t wait for a video about our shadow function.
It so true. I just nuked a relationship by doing to much and this person never realized what I was doing for em.
glad you realized it
I love having a goal to work towards, but it has to exist and I have to be allowed to progress. 💯 For me, I don't care what people think about me. Except at work I'd tip toe around people's insecurities so we could all get along and work together. And I do nice things and help people out because it's the right thing to do, not to get them to like me. I could dislike you and still help you out if you really need it. 💯
This happened to me today, am a Therapist (respiratory) and a fellow nurse called me out in front of other teammates that I treated a patient well and she acknowledged it. I approach every patient the same, but it felt uncomfortable having the appreciation in front of coworkers. Just a snippet in my professional life. Love my career and sometimes teammates bring unwanted accolades that I am uncomfortable with in a semi public setting. Sounds strange but you, Wenzes make sense of these interactions. Love my career but there are odd interludes that are inexplicable. ❤
Learning more with your coaching daily. 🤙
Thank you, i have been walking a one way street all my life. and people take and take. so i decided. to stop.and love me . for the great person i am, I'm not going to walk that street again. life is short.
That title is fight'n words.
Your Ni is going to help you to discern as whether this person has your best interest at heart or not so you know not to get attached to this toxic person. If your a healthy INFJ with strong Ni you will recognize unhealthy behaviors from the toxic person you will see the patterns .
Yes, I was breadcrumbed by a very nice but needy Senior citizen. Thanks for this timely video. This is another learning experience I need to handle in the very best way.
Very good analysis. I've burned out in two marriages to narcissists and in my work as a self-employed person. I gave over and above because I had it in my mind that that's what good ppl do, even if the other party treats you badly or doesn't give as much as you do. And when the other party treated me badly I tended to overlook it, even fooled myself that that wasn't what they were doing simply because of fear. Fear that if I noticed how badly I was being treated it would be a direct reflection on me and my deficiencies and faults--that they saw something that was wrong with me, never considering the possibility that they may just be selfish or not as invested. I so badly wanted to be well thought of and liked.
Much, much to learn, but as painful as it's been, not to mention lonely, because that is often the result when you have to connect with who you really are without the false, unhealthy attachments to others, it's a worthy endeavor and with God's help growth is inevitable.
been called stupid and naive because I was letting myself be used. I can see the potential, "living" with that potential rather than reality and forever being disappointed (and angry!) at being taken advantage. Took more than 50 years, but now I come from Me, not how can I cut myself to feed others. It has felt selfish for a while, but I catch myself quickly now, and can come to a "no" without overwhelming guilt
This is pure GOLD! 🙌💛 Thank you, Wenzes!
I've always looked at it from an attachment/trauma-related perspective, not an MBTI perspective. This connected a lot of dots for me on something I've been experiencing, and I wasn't sure how to fully break out of it because it's so inherent to how I'm wired naturally. I don't even know when I'm being breadcrumbed. Obviously, I wouldn't be okay with being treated less than I deserve, but I'm so forgiving/understanding that everything is fine.... until it's suddenly not, and I feel like an idiot... again. 😅🤦♀️
I was in a study course and a good relationship with one female.. However it was the same dynamics.. I took care of her.. She was a bit rough in the beginning and at the end of the course she was soft.. And she told me: That was because of you, which almost sounded like a flirt. However I invested quite a bit and nothing came back. I helped her a lot, listened to her, reserved seats for her.. etc.. She could at least buy me a coffee from the coffee machine (50 cent) Like: Thank you..
I think that others just think we are always that way and they do not see that we are investing or giving..
I found that I am codependent and it was all I happening to me.i have been people pleaser all my life and this habit of putting first before my well being ,it has been discovery to me.myfather was extreme narc so mother was slave to him to get his validation so it is a learned behaviour from mother.
👏💪 strongest episode so far. Didn’t expect that push on the high level that all our content is on already 🎉
I'm experiencing this now, and I really needed the information in this video. Thank you!
As a fearful avoidant INFJ, I think I might have been in dynamics where I was seemingly giving more but also I am aware that not everybody gives / receives love in the same way and if a friend or my partner gives it in a different way I might overlook it (and think therefore I am giving more). I am big with words of affirmation or physical touch but I am not offering a lot of practical help or giving exceptional gifts except for my family. Anyway, I think it is good for INFJs to focus on selfcare and learn that nothing bad will happen when we take care of ourselves first and say no from time to time. ;)
We love to solve problems. 😄😄😄
Because we have to find the order of the universe. 🌟
“You think too much”.
But about door slamming.
Really i’m happy doing it.
Even if you behaved differently the destiny in our life of a door slammed person was not going to change.
We keep them in our life as long as they serve us.
And i don’t mean it in a selfish utilitarian way.
What remains after the exchange should be pure friendship.
If there isn’t they can leave.
I have no regrets.
I’m not a perfect friend but i aim to be, which makes me a perfect one. 😄
Please make more videos on INFJ's and codependency/anxious attachment! Thank you so much!!!
This is impressively comprehensive
My covert narcissitic ex-wife, who is also the mother of three of my sons, has been engaged in a campaign of parental alienation and gathering her flying monkeys for some time now.. Last week, at the HS gaduation of our middle son, I showed up withour announcement ( As if there wa another place I would rater be???). After lisening to your channel to this channel, and trusting the veracigty of my logical mind, her tactics seemed almost ludicrus! The DARVO methos was her fall-back posiition.
ENTP here
I’m such an INFJ - looking for those data points looking to prove those patterns
Well now I understand....thank you. Love your channel.
Thank you for creating and sharing.
Thank you Wenzes! Spot on as always. Your wisdom is oracular. Thank you so much
!
This advice is gold. Comes right on time for what I needed
This is SO spot on. Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear all of this.
This resonates. Thank you!
Thank you!
Ye gods. I needed this video. Thank you so much.
very helpful, thank you Wenzes
Gosh you are brilliant!
Thank you so much. You are such a blessing.
I was just experiencing this and thinking about this today, thank you
Thank you for this message. I appreciate your insights as a fellow INFJ.
Learnt this the hard way. Thank you so much Wenzes ❤
Thanks for sharing your experience and new approach to the bread crumbing situations. Insightful and really useful as on reflection I have participated in this process for the worse. Going to approach it from the angle you suggested. Thank you for your insights.
I’m so clueless when this is going on.
I relate to every word you say, thank you for those insights, really helpful. Especially this part about Fi and not being a good person. Changing perspective here is the key.
Thanks!
Thank you.
i can really relate to this one, wish I had seen it last year ❤
Oof: powerful message 💥 Thank you for making this video!!
Thank You
I can do this with the men I date for the most part. But I need to do it in my friendships. A couple of years ago, I learned I have a disorganized attachment & it explained so much. I’m still working on healing that in terms of my relationship with my mother.
But my goodness, this lesson needs to be taught as soon as a little person becomes an INFJ!
One thing I’m learning is that UA-cam is not the place for me. We are not allowed to speak any kind of truth on most channels. If you say the truth and it doesn’t agree with what the content creator thinks, it will be blocked, or you will be bullied by other viewers. I don’t quite understand why the thumbs down icon is there if we’re not allowed to use it! It has taken me lots and lots of years of recovery from abuse for me to actually have opinions and have the guts to express them, and now UA-cam has completely squelched that. Besides a few channels, I am done with it, and I am going to find another form of entertainment.
Suppression of differing opinions and especially critical thinking is becoming a standard across almost all platforms. I haven't tried yet but platforms such as rumble are pretty much the last bastion of free thinking.
@@Meenaia yes. Thank you for the validation! Glad I am not the only one who has noticed this. Thank you for that tip, I’ll check it out. Or maybe I’ll just go back to reading books.😊
Some good general principles and scenarios. I have done some of this in the past. Once it became too much, I did door slam. This door slam didn’t come with insults and arguments, just done with it. No one is a bad person, for not helping others. Sometimes people won’t leave when you ask them to. Been years where I’ve told them we were done. Sometimes things don’t develop as planned or get worse and your expected to be content with something you didn’t sign up for. People can judge and call a bad guy all day, I will choose peace and self respect over being viewed as nice every time. Learned a lot over the years, a bunch of stuff I would rather not have. Only takers expect you to be more giving than they are. Believe me, I can do without anyone that is on some weird trickery and lies type stuff.
preach 👏
"...love to be breadcrumbed" isn't quite realistic...we don't love it even if we can thrive in it.
I'm not sure I'd have phrased it that way, either. But I do prefer bite-sized amounts of information to process and limited social interaction. At first, anyway. People are like little universes. Too much to comprehend at once. Lol
That free loving nature works out more for the better because some people are just generous and the fustrated manipulative people can just piss off and be replaced. I've got cheap rent, a monthly contract where some months I haven't done any work and still get paid a full month while working on online passive from 3D models. I've golden friends which I've loved freely that have given thousands of ZAR and don't hear passive aggression or frustration from them.
😂😂😂😂😂 ommmmggg...I literally laughed during this entire video because I love this lol but it can be weird sometimes.
WIN / WIN SITUATION ‼️ 4:36 HEATH CARE ‼️ 7:52
Wish I could find a way to explain why I have to drop some people to other friends as it comes over quite hard to certain friends...
Its difficult as a Christian INFJ, where to draw the line. We are supposed to put others before ourselves...
Dam thats so me
Holy 💩
🔥🔥🔥
uhhhh why are the videos of infj craziness always relevant to me >_
The first thing I did while listening to this was to ask myself if I'd ever done any "breadcrumbing." I don't think so, but it was good to do some honest self-examination. And I'll keep doing it.
But listening to this brought back a lot of memories of my helping people who needed it, knew that they did, and let me know about it. But they didn't seem to pay much attention to me otherwise. However, they kept in as much contact as needed so if they needed me (especially for rides). If this is "breadcrumbing," then it's happened to me.
Then, when I did help, they would get verbally critical and mean when I'd help them my way instead of theirs. I even had one person who didn't like a non- offensive question I asked. She flew in my face and told me off - almost and just as good as implied that she was "doing me a favor" to give me the privilege of helping her in the first place.
That was when I decided that I'd had it, and verbal abuse wasn't going to be tolerated any more. That was when I committed myself to go back to practicing Systematic Assertiveness Training, which I had neglected for a long time (a story in itself).
As you mentioned, the "underlying need" she had did not justify that kind of behavior. In fact, it was a cure for "trying to keep the person in my life by what I'm doing for him/her (as you do wisely pointed out). In this case, it completely killed my desire to (a) help the person and (b) keep the person in my life.
I think we INFJs eventually learn how to cope when we have had it -even if it's sometimes hard on the emotions. I'm hungry for my OWN approval.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do I reach her?
Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up online. impressive
18:58 - I'm so happy. I find it so selfish to put myself first
Self talk
I want to know how to get an INFJ to not like you without upsetting them? I don't care about all the theoretical life improvements of a relationship I don't want. I just want to know how to keep me and my actual relationships safe.
Cute short hair 😘🪽
Oh my gosh! Phew. Overgiving, huh?
Breadcrumbing...
now....
Such a major turnoff.100%
❤❤❤
i want the whole danged cream pie.
❤
5:37 - Fi users and narcissists love the attention. Thrive off it
❤💯🎯✌️😎
is it true, that INFJ girls are kind of good looking?^^ sorry i never talked to an INFJ personally
What is breadcrumbing?
When people are giving the bare minimum to keep you invested
When you are people pleaser and when you are chasing the bread crumbs just to get anything..
An INFJ is like a big Salad. If all you put in your Salad is croutons at the all you can eat buffet.
INFJ
All you can eat baby.
Honestly didn’t watch this one…. Personally find these buzz words annoying. Not into “trending topics”, personally. Breadcrumbs are for pigeons. No offense intended, have struggled with the last few months content. Maybe … because the gap between the hair toss and reality has just gotten to large for me to even pretend it’s remotely OK. I understand you hear one side …but remember it is just that … one side. My experience was nothing like the story told. Not here to save anyone, haven’t the time to waste on someone that has no desire to change. Wish them well and move on.
Surprised you’re co-signing this narrative
Omgoodness!!! I just had this conversation with partner. I keep saying,” I’m not a mind reader!” I’m exhausted. 42 yrs. Why so vague people??? I’m expected to figure it out. I’m responsible if I get it wrong 😵💫🫤🫣🤯. You are spot on. This info is so relevant for me. Thank you🐾🐾
This just all made sense... you clarified a lot for me... 🥲