I totally agree with you. My partner and I are poly and we like to be intimate and date other people as well as each other. Just like any other relationship it involves communication and trust. If I went out with some person and had not told my partner. Lied about it and all that. That's cheating. Like, people don't understand what being poly actually means. It irks me.
@@felixhenson9926 Ignorant poly newbies. Culture and how the idea of polygamy is treated plays an important role in one's understanding of it. Its still very much alive in South Africa. So I grew up around it, the idea is not foreign to me. And it was really jarring to come onto the internet and see how people treat this idea, and using it as a card to excuse cheating.
@Elorile The Cat [Sans’ Wife And Girlfriend] Okay, lemme explain. Its a common misconception you have there. Poly relationships are still relationships. It works on the same ground rules. All parties must be aware of any extra romantic and/or sexual partner. All parties must consent to the action of multiple partners. If one party is uncomfortable and wants it to stop, you stop. Cheating is a break of trust. For example, if a couple was in a poly relationship, and the man went out with another woman without informing his wife or girlfriend, its not poly. He still cheated on her. She said no, he kept it up behind her back. And gaslighted her, because why not toss in some mental abuse with cheating, yea? I must admit, as someone who grew up in a culture where poly relationships are a common thing to the point where its legal to be able to marry multiple spouses, I am sick and tired of seeing cheaters wave it about as an excuse for their horrible behavior. It sad to see that so many people have thus formed the wrong idea of what polyamory is, and that can further hurt them.
@Elorile The Cat [Sans’ Wife And Girlfriend]No need to apologize. We all live and learn. I see I left out a chunk of what I wanted to use for the example. Sorry for any confusion.
My followers redirected me to this video because of my most recent one. Loved your take. Absolutely agreed that for every functional poly relationship, there are a ton that don't work. Polyamory is one of those things I came to after really genuinely loving someone and then recognizing that I I had more capacity for love. I didn't want to stay with him and watch him tolerated it so I let go of him. It was hard, but it was the ethical thing to do. I think monogamy is toxic TO ME, but that that doesn't mean it's toxic for everyone. I think a lot of poly people need to recognize that what works for them doesn't mean it works for everyone. One of the most outspoken polyamorous orgnanizers who would talk a lot about how natural polyamory was, met a new woman and left his wife to be monogamous with her. This happens all the time. Most of the poly folks I know who have functional relationships, don't shout at others about how functional their relationship is- and if they do, it's generally the dude doing it and the woman quietly nodding her head while only being partnered to him.
@53Turtlee Forced polyamory is toxic just as forced monogamy is toxic. Like if you already agreed on how things are at the beginning of the relationship and you partner is trying to suddenly change it through guilt tripping and such then that would count as toxic. People just vibe differently in different relationships. Just as monogamy relationships has its issues, polyamory has those same issues. Mainly with communication. If you can't communicate how you feel with your partner/partners and take their feelings into account as well then of course the relationship is just destined to fail. Thats just how relationships in general works.
I agree with the point you laid out. So many people CHEAT and then use being “poly” as an excuse to make it okay. And that gives poly as a bad name. Cheating is NOT POLY. Poly is about communication and consent. If the “poly” part has no consent then it’s not poly. It’s cheating. In order to be poly you need to make sure your partner is okay with it and communicate so much. I’m totally okay with people who are monogamous not wanting a poly relationship even tho I’m poly and very much want a poly relationship. My current partner just doesn’t want one and that’s ok. I’m happy. If all parties are okay with it and happy then polyamory is super cool and healthy and nice. I very much think I do better in open-ish relationships but I’m totally happy not having any form of poly if my partner doesn’t like it. I like the take you gave on this. It refreshing to see monogamous people look at poly in this light and realize the difference between polyamorous relationships and cheating. And oddly enough that whore comment reminded me of being trans almost too?? Like some people think trans (like any lgbt label) is a choice and I always feel like if I tell people I’m a gay trans man that they’ll suddenly see me as like a “reverse trap” and trying to trick men into fucking me when that’s not it at all. I’m a man I just don’t have a dick. Sorry for the long ass comment but like... Tl;dr I love this video and your take on poly and more people need to research poly and stop using it as an excuse to cheat
are you talking about me or my ex? because my ex knew what it meant to be poly, he just didnt want a poly relationship. and im actually poly so id hope you aren't misgendering me and calling me a swinger. or are you talking about the girl in michies 'whore' comment, because yea that shit aint coolio poly aint that
Poly is simply permission to cheat. You have to remember who you are cheating. People think that because their mate gives them permission to have another doesn't mean they're cheating. But God instituted monogamy. He gave Adam Eve as a gift. Now if someone gives you a gift, but you go and take more than what they've given you, you stole. You cheated. So the person in affect cheats God.
5:12 polyamory isn’t for everyone, just as monogamy or even just dating in general isn’t. They shouldn’t have tried pressuring you into that. It’s your life, not theirs.
Preach! If you're not compatible with someone, why not just...break up with them or stop pursuing a doomed relationship? It'll hurt at first but it's much better for everyone in the long run. Imo if you try to force someone to change then you never really loved them in the first place, you just loved the _idea_ of them.
People need to learn that if you go into a relationship being monogamous then you can't just suddenly change it to poly without talking to your partner, especially if you cheat on them before you decide you're suddenly poly. And you absolutely can cheat on people in poly relationships, because every relationship has boundaries and breaking those boundaries is cheating. Yeah some of the boundaries people set don't always make sense but if you explicitly agree to these set boundaries then you have to follow and respect them. And please please please talk about it before you enter a relationship with someone, it's so much better and healthier than doing something bad later and then learning what not to do for that relationship. In any relationship communication is key.
For real, thank you for this. I hear so many poly people say I'm "toxic" simply because I prefer monogamy, as if being poly is the only healthy way to love someone. It's really hurtful, and yeah, like you said, I have had a lot of former friends cheat on their spouses by claiming "poly"....when the spouse didn't even know. Yeah, that's bullshit. There are so many other examples of why it's toxic, but it saddens me to see the community be so elitist. There's no right or wrong way to go about loving someone, be it poly, mono, whatever the hell you want, as long as it's happy and healthy. I don't really see why being monogamous is such a sticking point and used by the poly community to look down on others.
I really hate the people who act like being poly is the only _good_ type of relationship. I might jokingly say sometimes "just be poly", but I know it's not that simple and that being poly isn't for everyone. Unfortunately there's a lot of elitism in the poly community where they think that dating more people somehow makes you better, as if you're showing off how well you can spin plates without dropping them.
I mean monogomous people also act like their way of loving someone is the only way to love, and look down on people who have poly relationships...it isn't as if poly people are the only ones who do it, and generally it's a vocal minority that act all elitist, you shouldn't just generalize an entire community like that?
@@starlette7820 you just generalized a community in your complaint about generalizing communities- I'm pretty sure they weren't claiming mono people aren't guilty of that and it's obvious they're talking about the bad apples of the poly community.
I’m poly but my current partner is mono. He was previously forced into a poly relationship (he did wanna try it at some point but he wasn’t ready at the moment) and it ruined it for him. I’m only in a relationship with him rn because he isnt into poly and he’s the only one I want rn.
as a poly person, not all people are made to be poly. and it's disgusting that people use it the way you mentioned. in a proper poly relationship, everyone needs to mutually get along, and no one person is held at a higher regard than the other. you are all equally loved, and cared for. i agree with your takes 100% good job. thank you for bringing this topic up.
My aunt is poly, and I agree, my aunt has told me a few things about it, and her BF and his other GF are in a fully consentual (I can not spell pls 💀) relationship
@@uuu5713 dude the fact that you think someone is lying about having to people consent and love says many MANY sad things about your dating life. I sort of get ur name though
As a polyam person: I 100% agree! People are using being poly as an excuse for cheating, and they just want everything for themself! As in, they can be with others, but their partner can’t be with anyone else
People who use the excuse they're poly to cheat deserve to rot in the worst places of hell. It makes things so much worse for people who identify as such and I wish u nothing but the best in upcoming relationships too!
I am not poly and do not have any openly poly friends. However, as someone who is on the outside I feel like a lot of people conflate poly-AMOROUS relationships with OPEN relationships. The first is literally "multi-loving". That is to say, its where there is love for multiple people. Preferably mutual, but I can see it being less true the more people you add to the polygon. Open relationships, by comparison, are simply where the members have agreed it's ok to seek sex outside of the relationship. You could, theoretically, have a poly relationship that is "closed": a family of lovers who never try to sleep with someone outside the relationship. Similarly, you can have an open relationship that isn't a poly-amorous one: a 2-person relationship where one or both members sleep with other people for the jollies. You should, in theory, be able to make any of these 4 combinations work (open poly, closed poly, open mono, closed mono). But in order to make it work, I think we as a society need to be more clear about which we're talking about. As Twisted Disaster is talking about here, her friend was in an *open* relationship, but thought she was in a *poly* one. There was no love lost in "the cheater" 's lovers: it was all about finding sex outside their main partner, and said partner was not ok with that but thought saying so would make them "the bad guy".
Honestly, my main gripe with Poly is that with THREE of my partners in the past, I would enter a relationship under the pretense that it was monogamous - only to find out later that there were other people involved. And "it's fine because [they] were poly!" I agree with the sentiment that being poly is fine! But to lie about it is incredibly frustrating
That was not a poly relationship, becaause if it was everyone would've been aware and consented to being in a relationship with eachother. If it's not that it's just flat out cheating in a poly trenchcoat
Polyamory requires communication (Just like all healthy relationships). Not everybody is cut out for polyamorous relationships (Same with monogamous relationships). You definitely can cheat in polyamorous relationships. Cheating is a break in trust, a broken agreement.
I'm so glad someone else is talking about this toxicity of the "poly" community. For years, these types horrible people were the only I met that called themselves "poly". They ruined their relationships, and the relationships of others. I harbored a deep hatred for what I thought was the "poly" community for a long time, until I met ACTUAL poly people. Those fake poly people really dragged the lifestyle through the mud and that's not ok.
EXACTLY, I KNEW A PERSON WHO USED POLYAMORY AS AN EXCUSE FOR CHEATING, SHE WAS ALSO 14 AND TOXIC AS HELL! POLYAMORY 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 AN 👏 EXCUSE 👏 FOR 👏 CHEATING 👏
Some poly people date other poly people and some don't date other poly people, my girlfriend is polyamorous before we even started to date I'm okay with it as long as she asks me if she can date other women and I okay with cuz I'm oblivious and I will ignore people even closed friends and family, so with I'm really okay with her dating other girl
I find that this is really damaging. My partner was given the wrong idea about polyamory, and because I'm poly he rushed into an arrangement just to make me happy. He ended up with a lot of anxiety and stress because he's actually not cut out for it. He was terrified of breaking our rules even though they weren't complicated, because it just wasn't natural for him. Eventually we had to talk about it and he was scared I would break up with him, but I just informed him that if he wasn't poly then we didn't have to have an arrangement. I told him I would remain monogamous if it was better for him, because poly people won't lose our mind if we can't have multiple partners. These misconceptions that being poly is fun and a free-for-all situation that's relaxed and requires less commitment need to stop. It's actually stressful as hell because communication needs to be perfect. You need to be even better at relationship management to have a second partner or a multi-partner relationship. The reason I'm comfortable in being poly is because it comes naturally to me as a romantic desire. People need to stop wanting to be poly when they're not! Polyamory isn't for being better than others or being "the right way", or cheating on people. It's a massive problem, because poly people aren't non-committal and we do have romantic commitment and experience jealousy and anger when betrayed. Being poly is just involving more than one person in your life romantically, it's not about sexual promiscuity. It's not a superior lifestyle. It's not about looking like a good person. Thanks for speaking up about us being grouped in with people that are sexually or romantically irresponsible.
5:23 monogamy itself isn’t stupid. The way society treats monogamy and romantic relationships in general is stupid and toxic, but the idea of being with one person at a time romantically is not stupid. Some people read one book at a time or watch one show at a time. Some people date one person at a time. Monogamy also isn’t dead, seeing as most people are mono? Like??
my boyfriends ex was poly so she brought another girl into the relationship, so my boyfriend tried to get to know about girl2 but girl1 got mad about it so she left him. he is still confused about it to this day
You should NOT be angry at Michie for this opinion?? Literally all she's saying is that abusive relationships/cheating is wrong, no matter whether you're poly or not???
my issue with polyamory is just how so many poly people proclaim it as the only true and healthy way to have a relationship. that if you get upset at your partner for loving multiple people you are a toxic jealous controlling prick. im confident in my relationships health, but I could not handle not being his #1. sucks to suck i guess but i don’t like being told my relationship is unhealthy because we have a certain dynamic that MIGHT be unhealthy for OTHERS.
As someone who's been in both good and bad poly relationships, I respect the hell out of this. Thank you for always putting good energy, love, and just general human decency out into the world~
Yeah Heck this is something I agree with. My old girlfriend and I were happy together and she claimed she was bisexual when we were together. And I'm a open biromantic. But a few weeks into the relationship, I saw that she posted a picture on her Instagram that she was with someone else now. Saying how they were dating and such. And when I confronted her about it she just claimed that she was poly all of a sudden. And she didn't even tell me about it and ask me if I was alright with it. Which I wasn't. And I just, left right there. She tried to say that she still has feelings for me a year or so later but. That ain't happening. Sorry. Random commenter and story. Keep scrolling.
I have a friend who used “poly” as an excuse to get away with cheating on her boyfriend and it made me super sad because I could see how much he loved her and how much it hurt him but he let her use that as an excuse so that he could still be with her and that’s sad.
I came to this video knowing I was going to be upset about it, but then the disclaimer at the beginning saying happy, healthy poly couples exist. That just brightened my day. Thank you. I am bisexual and poly so this made me feel so understood by someone. Life recently hasn't been kind to me and this made me feel a lot better. I'm going to send this video to my beloved to make their day better. nwn Also, some advice, don't say 'fixer.' I think 'healer' is a much better term for someone who tends to try to actually help people with their problems.
well im happy I helped you cheer up your day! But I did mean Fixer when I said it because that is how I used to think of it. But I dont think of it that way any more. I do still want to help people and their problems.
I think she might have meant it like, the fixer/healer often gets taken advantage of and put up with a lot of bullshit for the sake of "I want to help you be better."
I understand and respect Poly if it is a stable partnership. That means, you have a group of people who are loyal to each other and don’t constantly have to recruit new members. But I have a hard time believing that you can have a stable relationship while constantly adding new sexual partners to the mix. I also agree with your point that, someone shouldn’t have to change from monogamous to poly to cater to their partners needs.
So the problem with poly relationships: There isn’t there is a problem with people Not understanding what a poly relationship is. And using it as an excuse for cheating.
I'm glad you made this video, because honestly, my last two relationships crashed and burned the second they asked to open the relationship and couldn't handle me saying I was uncomfortable with that. My ex would post on his story "i love my S.O. but i think i really like my friend so i dunno" and he knew i'd see it. and then he'd beg me to let him sleep with them and i'd say no, and he'd keep asking, and we'd spend hours having a conversation where I continued to tell him i wasn't comfortable and he'd keep being like "but why tho" and then after hours of that, i finally said "fine, knock yourself out. i'm going to bed." and the next morning i woke up to him sending me pictures covered in hickeys and being like "i wore ur favorite sweater today" and i genuinely hated that. fast forward a little bit and he made a private instagram account where he'd post on his stories about how he's gay and really wants a cute boyfriend (this was when I was still identifying as a cis female) and he'd say "im talking to one of my exes and he's so cute and i missed him". When I found the account i sent him a screenshot of it and asked him if he's cheating or if he even still cares about me (because again he told me he was bisexual and all of a sudden was using this account to vent about how he's gay and really wants to date a guy. He ended up saying "idk i think im gay but like i still like u i just need time" and dragged me along for weeks while telling his friends he was just gonna pretend to love me to spare my feelings. It is very true that partners will use polygamy/polyamory as an excuse to be awful, and you have to be strong enough to know you don't deserve it, and to not let them win.
Before the Video: "The Problem with Poly Couples" Me being Poly: Please be sensible, don't be an uneducated nit-wit... During and After the Video: Me: Yass queen, let's join up and destroy all the toxic poly! 👑
When the relationship with my exboyfriend wasn’t going well. He didn’t have the balls to say “we are done”, instead he suggested we should meet other people, then come back and try to fix things. He didn’t tell me to become poly, but was kind of implied since he refused to end the relationship. I just couldn’t take it as a break knowing he implied he wanted to fuck around and then come back to see if our relationship was fixable. And yes, after a couple of months he tried, but I refused to retake the relationship and call it quits. The fact he told me he wanted to cheat in an “acceptable” way didn’t make it any less hurtful.
Yep. I am poly and I can confirm that it is NOT THE SAME AS CHEATING. Cheating is not communicating, and having another person in your life without the first significant person knowing. Polyamory is the persons involved communicating with each other and being aware that they are all in a relationship. It’s all about consent and communication. Is long as you’re happy and it’s not toxic/illegal, then like who you like.
The person “chose” pansexuality?? No. Just no! I never asked to be panromantic! I even denied it and forced myself to be 100% straight. No one genuinely chooses their sexuality! I feel like that person was trying to manipulate others into accepting them. They cheat, then excuse it as poly when it’s not even an open relationship (which is different from poly, for those wondering) then say they’re pansexual like that’s what it MEANS to be poly or open. I’m happy for people who are in happy poly relationships, but that person is NOT poly, and they certainly aren’t pan, or bi, or gay if they “chose” to be. Also, Y E S being bi or pan does not mean you want to get into threesomes or poly/open relationships! I’m sorry you have been through so much! People in the LGBT+ should understand and support each other, not create false stereotypes and assumptions! (Also nice drawing!!)
My friend is poly, and they seem like they’re super happy with it! They’re dating two girls, both of which are the “main partners” to them. They also get to go out with other girls outside of the poly relationship, as long as the outsider has been relatively cleared for STIs/they use female condoms.
Im poly and one of my ex's cheated on me and said "well youre poly so its okay." And aperently she would try to target poly people and use this as an excuse because she had a weird cheating fetish. I agree on your point, but a toxic/cheating poly realationship really shouldnt be considered a true poly relationship. Like a mono relationship shouldnt have more then one person even if one isnt.
Polyam person here and we hate this shit too, we didn't WANT assholes to latch onto what was originally us trying to justify our own existence. (Also I'm closed polyam stuff only, and all members of the polycule have to be equal for me. Having a "Main" partner icks me out something fierce. The whole point for me is I can love these different people equally for different reasons, elevating one above the others would contradict all of that.) Not that any of that matters at the moment because MY GIRLFRIEND IS MONOAM AND I AM RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES ON THAT, REGARDLESS OF BEING POLY MYSELF. (As for your sets of stories, yeah, it is DEFINITELY possible to cheat, even on a polyamorous person, if you're lying and going behind their backs, you're 100% right. For example my boundaries are that my partner/s need to tell me BEFORE they start dating someone new, and the other person typically needs to be someone I know in advance.) Also, perks of being a lesbian, I don't have to deal with the stuff gross heterosexual men do. (Some women run the same shit, sure, but like it's a lot rarer since it's not like we're raised with a bunch of shit to feel *entitled* to other women.) LATER EDIT: And thanks for the support~! Inter-minority solidarity stuff is awesome :D
My ex is Poly and I didn't find out until I found the other girl. He only wanted my body, He took unwanted pictures of my body and keeps pictures of every woman and man's body and I'm scared he still has a picture of my body. I still feel so afraid and i felt like a tool because they forced me to do things that I didn't want to do with my body.
Yayy!!! Someone speaks about it! I could never get my points across about how people misuse the term of poly in relationships without being called a hypocrite. I don't think poly relationships are bad, but gosh darn golly gee have I seen the worst side of it ever since horny playboys decided to slap two people together who hate each other's guts and force them into a relationship all with the justification of it being "A GOoD PoLY ReLAtiOnShIP YouRe JuST To jUdgEmEnTAl To UnDerStAnd!!!1!1!" I feel bad for people in healthy poly relationships who have to suffer from hate because other people are tarnishing the image by misusing it to be selfish and abusive.
I have a hard time grasping the whole polyamorous relationship idea because I'm a very untrusting person. I have a very hard time communicating my feelings so it's really hard for me to put myself in a polyamorous' persons shoes. When I do that all I feel is nervous and I just can't understand, well, it's very hard to me to understand how someone can be so open and honest with another person. For example: a lot of humans talk to animals, an animal is different, they don't have opinions about you and they can't leave you so it's easy to talk to them but humans, humans can do whatever they want and it just makes me be even more untrusting of them. It's hard for me but I do understand why everything's happening in that community and why people may need more than one person to satisfy their needs, I just don't understand how you do that in a healthy way. (´∩ω∩｀)
@@suziekeuls7582 having a healthy and good relationship has nothing to do with one's capacity to love. I can love both my parents at the same time, I can love both of my siblings at the same time, and I can love all of my friends at the same time, so why is romantic love forced to be different? Just as I can love more than one fictional character or more than one celebrity, romantic love too does not suddenly run out after just one person.
As a person in a healthy happy poly relationship with 2 people, one of my boyfriends got cheated on by his boyfriend that wasnt in our circle we have now, and then tried using the fact that he was poly to say it wasnt cheating. It's really sad how people do this, and for those who are poly as am i, i ask you to be careful on who you let into your poly circle, make sure you know them for a while before jumping into things. Have a nice day reader and thank you Twisted for this video! ^^
When I first clicked on this, I thought you ranting about poly couples entirely, but I see what you mean here, and I agree with it. Glad I watched this instead of judging it before actually watching it.
My best friend would have around 6 partners at a time and as soon as it would end they would immediately go on to another the next day, they even cheated on most of their partners just to flirt with my other best friend may. They always said that’s just how they were but I think they were only dating people just to date people, and it’s annoying. No one thinks it’s right but my friend doesn’t care and does it anyways. I have no idea how to make them stop speed dating like this but we don’t talk often so it’s not like I could do anything about it bc they are just Gonna block me again bc they are immature.
I have to admit, I've had one brush with a poly relationship and it got bad quickly. I was in a relationship with a guy (I'll call him W). We were both very good friends with another guy (H) and I kind of liked H as well as W. I had been with W for about a month when H admitted to having feelings for both of us. W suggested a poly relationship and we all agreed and were all happy with it. That very night, W messaged me saying he was uncomfortable with the relationship and he was insecure about me possibly liking H more. He told me to pick between them and I chose W. I broke up with W 3 years later because it turned out he was emotionally abusive and a generally embarrassing person to be around. I wish I'd stayed with H and told W to do one. I haven't been in a poly relationship since.
So thankful I clicked on this. You are absolutely correct about this, and while I haven't seen it for myself in my personal life, I've heard about it and seen people try to turn "so an so is bisexual/polyarmorous and all they wanna do is XYZ" to paint the person in a bad light. Your stories and opinions absolutely needed to be said because a lot of people forget about communication and healthy relationships of all kinds.
I clicked on this video expecting to see one of my favorite youtubers suddenly lose my respect and I found that you your argument was out of genuine concern rather than hatred for a specific identity! as a person open to poly relationships, this is a really big issue that needs to be brought up more!
Before Poly was really a thing my parents had an "open" relationship. In this relationship the idea was that Person A could be with anyone but Person B would stay monogamous. But Person B didn't stay monogamous and hid that. Person A only found out when Person B was caught with Person A's boss. The relationship was pretty much over then. Not a good thing. Don't do that.
3:17 you can still cheat in a polyamorous relationship. Poly or not, cheating is very hurtful and upsetting. They could have been poly, but they were still cheated on.
I'm like 10 mins in right now but I'm ganna write so I don't loose my train of thought. Hi! A guy in a healthy poly relationship over here! I have two amazing partners who are very loving and supportive.(All of us are "main" ??? Ones) I have been bothered by people using polyamory as a,, well as you said "get outta jail free" card so often. It bothers me so much seeing people do that and force polyamory on their partners. It's disgusting and I really am trying to keep the reputation of it as healthy as I can on my social media because of said people, being openly poly and whatever, really wanting to show that good poly people exist. It's something that took me a long time to figure out and I really don't want this to be another bi/pan situation as you said. And like, half the time when I like someone it has nothing to do with anything sexual if any at all, and that's what it's like for the rest of us. We're all just messes that get crushes all the time and talk about them to eachother? It's just really sad to see go around media Not the way I wanted polyamory to get out there more :'//
I'm poly and pretty much it's all about the consent, love and honesty amongst all partners. If I were to have caught you cheating and use it as the excuse we were poly no.that's not how poly works. CONSENT AND HONESTY. Cheating is neither consent amongst all partners nor is it honesty.
Thank you!! Thank you so much! My girlfriend and I have talked about being poly, but we are VERY fucking careful about who we like. If there is ever a moment when we both find someone we like, we will HEAVILY talk it over with each other. We have found multiple people that we have talked about, but we haven't found someone we both love enough but each other. I'm happy now, so I don't see that day coming very soon.
Honest communication and enthusiastic consent are important, the more complicated you make a relationship the more complex it gets (not that I am not annoying and clingy if limited to one partner (my boyfriend is fine about me cuddling others (and being less demanding on his time) so that's our compromise)).
im questioning poly and have been for a long time but at the same time id get WAY too jealous n, my partner would get jealous too so it wouldn't work but tyeres def the feeling that its possible ti work under diff circumstances
I remember back a while ago when I was dating this guy, he would cheat on me alot. Whenever I called him out on it he would then say how he was just poly, he wasn't cheating on me at all. Which I saw through that bullshit because I knew what it actually was. I didn't end up dumping the guy then though. I was one of those idiots who gave their partner too many chances. Anyway I thought this was an interesting video that needed to made made not just to help people who are poly from getting into bad relationships but to also help people who aren't poly to not get tricked into a poly relationship or just a cheating one.
I think being genuinely Poly is a big difference from people excusing cheating and being dishonest with "Oh I'm poly, so it's okay".. You NEED to trust them and you NEED to be able to communicate and set up certain rules so you and your partners stay comfortable and mentain a peaceful and loving rs- If you still sleep or flirt around with others without the consent of your loved ones, then it's still cheating.
I have been in a poly relationship for nearly a year now. I think it really is more secure than just two people dating. I had toxic bf's in the past n ig in poly relationships u cant rly be toxic since its never just the 2 of u. But then again my bf's r amazing but I don't plan to make our relationship public yet because in my country poly relationships are pretty rare and so it opens a lot of negative judgment towards us too. Edit: Btw I completely agree with the points u laid out too
Honestly, I agree. Because I had personally experienced this myself. It's a real mess of a story, so I'm just gonna cut it down to most necessary details. In seventh grade, I was walking around with a guy I was dating at the time. Somehow, the conversation turned into him talking about how there was another girl he wanted to ask out. After I asked him out, he said that he wanted to keep our relationship on the down low. Supposedly, he was afraid that people would make fun of us and I (stupidly) agreed to those conditions. Anyhow, my two brain cells and I questioned him as to why he would openly talk about cheating on me. His response; "Oh, you see, I'm a mormon. So it's not cheating if I'm dating other girls." Yes, he said straight up thought that if it's okay to have nine wives then he can have nine girlfriends. Needless to say, I was never informed of this when we started dating. And I'm sure the other girls he was with didn't know about me either. From then on, the relationship left a sour taste on my mouth. I had eventually caught feelings for another friend of mine, and it became the catalyst for our breakup. However, if I never developed feelings for my friend then I would have stayed in that relationship longer than I wanted to. In conclusion, honesty, trust, respect, and communication are essential for a healthy relationship. Don't do what I did and stay with someone who can't respect your boundaries or communicate about said boundaries
I’ve tried to be in two poly relationships. They just didn’t work out because my main partner is just not comfortable because he wants to be completely devoted to me because for some reason it makes him feel like he’s cheating even though he’s not. He’s such a pure bean. I love him so much.
I totally agree, my ex used being poly as an excuse for cheating on me awhile back. But I did break up with him on the spot after I was told about this. Ive pretty much blocked him on everything now.
This helped me so much, my sister said she was polly about a month ago and her boyfriend did not want to have a polly relationship but stayed bc he loved her but she is using it to just cheat on him and shit and it’s really just not good.
I honestly despise polyamory, it fucked my perfectly good relationship when my gf suddenly came out a non-monogamous and ruined our lives. I understand the main point of polyamory is that they believe it’s possible to love more than one person. Make sense, since monogamous people do this all the time, they fall in love with someone and break up then find someone new. The huge difference is that monogamous people don’t love different people at the same time. I tried to adapt myself to polyamory, which I think could work if we tried but it was just a terrible idea all around. No one in my family would support this dumb stuff. And it'd be easier to just find another girlfriend that is monogamous and so I don't completely have to change my personality and preference. Also idk how polyamory love works because loving more than one person, your love decreases. Like I dated two girls at once before and I had no energy left over. If you love one person, you can give your all to them. Whereas if you are dating two people equally, you can't give your love, time and effort fully to two or more people. The hours per day doesn’t suddenly double, you have to half and split your time and effort between those two people. Which is inherently loving them less than if you were to devote your entire time. A lot of non-monogamous advocates keep on saying that "love is infinite", which is a fat lie. Love is infinite, maybe if you are Jesus or something but no human can demonstrate that. So in polyamory, what really happens is that the participants reduce that standard or level for love and accept the amount they are given, or rather they just barely tolerate it. Comparing love to your family or friends, brotherly love, “philia” is not the type of love that one has for a romantic partner, “agape”, so that is a false comparison. I’ve seen videos of this guy, Zion-a, who has like 40 wives. Do you really think he loves his 40 wives equally, even though he claims that? Is that why he chooses to sleep in bed with his youngest wives and not his 1st and 2nd wife who are in their 70s? It seems to be that the wives just tolerate the polygamy for whatever reason. Of course this is not the similar example because it’s only one-way polygamy but you get the point. Like the thing is that polyamorous get jealous too, just like monogamous people. So I don't really see the difference, it's just consensual cheating but with more steps. And monogamous people also have lust and passion for others that are not their partner but they don't act on it because they respect their partner. I feel like if you are non-mono, then you should be single and only date people who are only non-mono. Because it's very unfair for the 96% of the population who are monogamous. And I also feel like a lot of non-monogamous people go polyamory just because they hate the norm of getting married to one person they dated, then having kids and life’s over. Which is totally understandable, that can sound very boring and scary. But it does provide a bit of stability, the traditional marriage path. And the thing is that, even if you are married, you can still try stuff out. It’s not like if you are married then suddenly you can never try anything out anymore, you just have to communicate to your partner about it and see if they agree with it.
Sorry to hear that happened. I agree with you saying they can’t “love” people equally because of the amount of time in the day, but I think the the discrepancy in thinking is that when they say “love” they are talking about just intensity of emotion and not that plus the level of dedication and commitment. The lack of dedication and lower standards of commitment is the whole appeal. Every poly person I ever met (who voluntarily wanted to try that lifestyle) was either just afraid of getting too attached to one person and so didn’t want to put all their eggs in one basket, or needed so much external validation to artificially prop up their self esteem that it’s more than one person could provide. Nothing healthy to be found anywhere. As a side note, I kinda think you aren’t using the Greek words super accurately. Agape can be less personal, like charitable to mankind. Philia is something you’d want in a marriage,too; it doesn’t have to be one type of love per relationship.
My main issue with this is, that every con to polya couples apply to monogamous couples as well. ''You need to be honest'', ''For every happy couple there's 8 abusive ones'', ''You need to talk about things and have good communication''. It's all completely true - for all couples. Not monogamous or polyamorous in specific. Polya is a very 'abstract' concept, because it can be 'build up' in so many different ways. Like 'The main partner', 'Relationship anarchy' or 'The triad', just to name a few. And different people will tell you different definitions on polyamorous relationships. But if the friend, in the first example, isn't happy in their relationship, it's not because it's polyamorous. They weren't happy with the relationship when it was monogamous either. My problem is that this video is labeled 'The problem with Poly couples', when it's a general problem. I absolutely agree, polyamory is not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with being monogamous. Everyone who says that, is a dick. Just like everyone who says polyamorous people are sluts, are as well. I can tell these experiences are not what I've experienced in the polya community. I find people who take this very seriously and are dedicated and respectful to their partner(s). I'm aware culture can make a difference in these kinds of experiences, and I've been blessed with very understanding and open minded people around me. And yes, there are awful people as well. People who think polya people wants to cheat with them, people who only seek bisexual women as if they were some kind of accessory, people who only want the 'freedom' for themselves and not their partner. That is a problem. But labeling polyamory as if this is the majority of polya people, kinda makes me sad. I'm not trying to sound mean in any way, because I think it's an important conversation to have. English isn't my first language, and if I come off as rude it's not my intention!
Her main point in the video was that good and healthy poly couples were being lumped in with the bad ones and that people use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. Of course abstract concepts like "honesty" apply to monogamous couples too but polyamory has specific stereotypes associated with it because of people who use it to be toxic. She wasn't saying that polyamorous couples were inherently dishonest or anything.
You're right, but she did say that for every healthy polyamorous couple, there were at least 8 toxic ones. I'm aware it can be an exaggeration to make a point clear, but that doesn't really help to break harmful stereotypes. My main point is, that all of these applies to relationships in general. As soon as there is a minority, there will be (harmful) stereotypes, but I don't really think the video help breaking them. I didn't get the vibe that Michie is against polyamory at all. As far as I know from watching her videos, she is a very open minded person, and I often agree with her on her topics. And while I do not disagree with her main point of the video, I do disagree with the execution. But again, I'm also very aware that her experiences in America can be different than mine are from Denmark, because of differences in culture, different friend groups and communities, etc.
PREACH!! No matter the relationship you're in, the most important is to be honest about how you feel! I wanted to talk about that in the comments but you really said everything Twis, thank you for this vid! ouo
I’m poly. My first relationship was a poly one, very healthy but the distance made it impossible for the other. I was in a relationship that was supposedly open to poly (I never did anything myself besides help scouting) but it ended up with my ex being EXTREMELY toxic, abusive, the whole package. And it in the end turned out that open/poly was only an option to *him*. He wanted a type of relationship where *he* was the focus of attention at all times, and only by women! (I was the only exception being NB). He restricted everything with me almost down to who I was friends with. I’ve known a friend who was ‘forced’ into a poly relationship herself and she was MISERABLE. So while I’m poly myself, I cannot STAND people like these who use it as a ‘get-out-of-jail-free-card’. Makes me just not want to look into full relationships cuz the risk is too high now
my ex was poly, but never told me he had a partner while dating me. then told me he was poly and i told him i wasn't okay with it because im not poly. we broke up like 5 times and he abused me so much
I've never seen a happy poly relationship. EVER. Storytime. Before I started dating him (for real), my current husband was sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend (they were "poly"). Once I came into the picture, she attempted to guilt/manipulate me into sharing him. I flat out told her that I don't share and to stay away from him. Of course, she instantly became super passive-aggressive towards me. Evidently, she tried to convince him to "kick me to the curb" because I wouldn't "get with the program" or some shit like that. He told her no and that he wasn't going to ruin a great relationship for someone like her. Of course, she then instantly turned on him too, and we stopped seeing his best friend for a while (she pretty much had him by the balls). Finally, they broke up, and we're moving past the torment she inflicted on all three of us.
I myself am in a poly relationship were I am in a loving relationship with two others, where its basically a triangle relationship were we are lovers to each other, we talk with one another, we care for one another and talk in honesty to one another, be it something personal, something nice or something that troubles them. We communicate with one another. We help one another. Basically a normal relationship just between three people. And its nice and we're thankfully happy with one another It really is just a normal relationship And I agree with you say in the video. The foundation of any relationship is communication and honesty. Something that people who forget that, should be reminded of
I know this is meant to be a serious topic [I've witnessed something similar to this type of situation firsthand], but I lost it when I heard "Doing the fuckles"
Thank you for saying this. I was in a Poly relationship for a year with someone I had very mixed feelings about. She had a very tight hold on what I did, but was totally fine with hitting on other people right in front of me. When I tried to talk to any of my friends (People I had no romantic feelings towards), she would insist on grabbing my arm and directing me away from them. She even told me that she was very possessive and how she wanted to keep me from my friends because she was jealous. At the time I was very weak minded and didn't speak out against this. She insisted on constantly holding my hand and wanted to kiss me when her friends were around. When I finally had the guts to break up with her (As nicely as possible, might I add), she still had the audacity to treat me like I was still her property.
As someone who is Polymerous, it sickens me to see people use being poly as an excuse to cheat. My partner has three other partners, and we are all happy, and we all get along with each other very well. It hurts to think that people think cheating is ok if you are poly. It's not. If you refuse to talk to your partner(s) about someone else you want to also be in a relationship with, then you shouldn't be in that relationship. Being poly is not an excuse to cheat, it's simply the way you handle relationships. Hell, you don't even need to be in love with your partner's other partners, but you should be open to all of them about how you feel. I'm just friends with my partner's other partners, and all of us are alright with that, and we always make sure everyone is happy and comfortable with the relationship.
When I was a bit younger in a "poly" relationship there was cheating, lying and when me (and my friend who were both of their main partners) decided to break up with them, they called up abusers, liars, cheaters, and in the end left us all unhappy and untrusting.
as someone whos poly and was in a toxic relationship, when we figured out that it wasnt healthy, we amongus voted them out since they are the imposter. we are happy as an open poly couple, our rules are we gotta know about them like we dont have to know them, we just gotta know that they exist. we couldnt be happier.
The toxicity isn't necessarily on purpose all the time, either. It only makes sense that relationships comprised of more people will be more difficult to maintain proper communication in, because multiple people have a higher chance of multiple errors. It takes a lot of gentle care, informed consent, and planning to be part of a healthy poly relationship
As someone who’s been in a quite bad relationship with a poly person, here’s my experience. Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship in August 2020. I hadn’t been able to contact her because her phone had broken and she wasn’t able to contact me when that happened. I had a friend that was able to contact her for whatever reason, and then she got a text from my ex saying: “Hey, I’m coming out as poly! Meet my new girlfriend and boyfriend!” And I didn’t know these people, I’ve never met them, never knew them. I also didn’t have an interest in dating multiple people. That’s when I finally got her number, and we got in a huge fight about it. She said she didn’t realise that I wasn’t poly, and she also didn’t respect that I wasn’t interested in sexual relationships, or my pronouns after I came out as trans to her. That’s when we realised we should break up and I deleted her number. I’m not sure how her and the people who are in a relationship with her are doing now, but I hope she realises that this can be used as a form of cheating and she needs to respect her partners preferences.
I really wanna comment on the story and everything said in the video but I am just so memorized by your art and shading. I love your points on the topics you really are right!
4:05 “they never cheated on me in the last because we’re presently in an open relationship” what? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m poly. I was not a part of this relationship. But I still recognize that this person was cheated on. You can still cheat in a polyamorous relationship. Cheating is crossing boundaries, being dishonest, trying to hide things, being with other people without the informed consent of your current partners.
As someone who is poly my ex asked me if he could but he had almost broken up with me the day before he asked so ofc said yes and I was miserable and every time I told he he was like "no, this is how it works-" and ik its not bc I've been in a healthy poly relationship and your partner shouldn't be wanting to fall back into self harm bc of it.. so yeah, I agree with you!
Thank you! As someone who is poly and has been in both healthy and non-healthy poly relationships in the past, I greatly appreciate your take on poly! Thank you!
I think true polyamorous relationship is actually 3 or more people MUTUALLY loving each other and agreeing to be committed to only each other. What your friend's toxic partner was doing was simply a poor attempt at "open relationship" and eventually using it as an excuse for being dishonest/cheating. Poly and open relationship are sooo different, and either one or both isn't for everyone. Switching up partners constantly is NOT true poly. As for one having polyamorous feelings for so many people, the most responsible thing to do is never act on those feelings when committed to someone who prefers a monogamous relationship.
wheni was a freahman i found this freind group that was actually just a 7 person chain "relationship" nobody got along, it was incredibly toxic, one of them pressured alot of people into sex. and it was a mess. i was sadly freinds with these people and im now a junior and honestly it was pretty much traumatizing how they treated me and pressured me to join and just eck...
i haven't seen your videos before, this came up on my recommended and i just thought "ohhhh no here we go" and then i watched the video and it wasnt nearly as painful and disrespectful as i was prepared to see! thank you for this :)
I clicked in expecting to be angry but like,,,, it's so valid. Like, my mom used it as a get out of free card whenever she was mad at my dad. And it ACTIVELY HURTS actual polyamorous people. I've had so many partners like "mmmm, im not comfortable with you being poly." And its like,,,, hun. Mini rant but, this needs to be brought up a whole lot more. Because even people (like my mother) can have actual healthy polyamorous relationships but the only thing people see is the stigma. Monogamous relations can be just as toxic, but that's never the first thing on people's mind.
Also the thought that there is the main and the little sides can also be toxic. Might just be me but I think it's fucked up to have favorites in that situation, I've been the main and the side and neither time has felt okay. If the 100 50 50 thing is your speed more power to you but, in my expiriences, that shit HURTS
The idea that "but being poly is so RELAXED and EASY so it's just better!!" is a misconception that _seriously_ needs to die. I'm not poly myself but I've known a couple of people who are, and they said it themselves that it's not for everyone. Different things work for different people and that's fine! They also expressed frustration about toxic people trying to use it as an excuse for unfaithfulness or commitment issues. Like, if treating ONE person right is too difficult for you, why would you try to get involved with MORE people and think that it'll magically be easier?? Also the whole idea of trying to "change" your partner and force them to accept new relationship styles they're not comfortable with...ew. Just break up with them if you're not compatible. That's abusive af. Sadly I think some people get hung up on the "freedom" part without realising that there's more to it, and also that in ANY relationship, your fun shouldn't come at the expense of everyone else's feelings. Your partners are _people,_ not just toys you can spend time with whenever you ~feel like it~ 😤
Low key thought those were cabbages until you coloured them pink
me too
Sameeee
What are they though
@@plutonium09 I believe they are peonies? Could be wrong tho
especially when she lined them green lol
I totally agree with you. My partner and I are poly and we like to be intimate and date other people as well as each other. Just like any other relationship it involves communication and trust. If I went out with some person and had not told my partner. Lied about it and all that. That's cheating. Like, people don't understand what being poly actually means. It irks me.
Yep, all of this, some poly newbies seem to think cheating is impossible to do in a poly relationship - no, you can definitely still cheat.
@@felixhenson9926 Ignorant poly newbies.
Culture and how the idea of polygamy is treated plays an important role in one's understanding of it. Its still very much alive in South Africa. So I grew up around it, the idea is not foreign to me.
And it was really jarring to come onto the internet and see how people treat this idea, and using it as a card to excuse cheating.
@Elorile The Cat [Sans’ Wife And Girlfriend] Okay, lemme explain. Its a common misconception you have there.
Poly relationships are still relationships. It works on the same ground rules.
All parties must be aware of any extra romantic and/or sexual partner. All parties must consent to the action of multiple partners.
If one party is uncomfortable and wants it to stop, you stop.
Cheating is a break of trust.
For example, if a couple was in a poly relationship, and the man went out with another woman without informing his wife or girlfriend, its not poly.
He still cheated on her. She said no, he kept it up behind her back.
And gaslighted her, because why not toss in some mental abuse with cheating, yea?
I must admit, as someone who grew up in a culture where poly relationships are a common thing to the point where its legal to be able to marry multiple spouses, I am sick and tired of seeing cheaters wave it about as an excuse for their horrible behavior.
It sad to see that so many people have thus formed the wrong idea of what polyamory is, and that can further hurt them.
@Elorile The Cat [Sans’ Wife And Girlfriend]No need to apologize. We all live and learn.
I see I left out a chunk of what I wanted to use for the example. Sorry for any confusion.
@Elorile The Cat [Sans’ Wife And Girlfriend] Cute profile picture btw
My followers redirected me to this video because of my most recent one. Loved your take. Absolutely agreed that for every functional poly relationship, there are a ton that don't work. Polyamory is one of those things I came to after really genuinely loving someone and then recognizing that I I had more capacity for love. I didn't want to stay with him and watch him tolerated it so I let go of him. It was hard, but it was the ethical thing to do.
I think monogamy is toxic TO ME, but that that doesn't mean it's toxic for everyone. I think a lot of poly people need to recognize that what works for them doesn't mean it works for everyone. One of the most outspoken polyamorous orgnanizers who would talk a lot about how natural polyamory was, met a new woman and left his wife to be monogamous with her. This happens all the time. Most of the poly folks I know who have functional relationships, don't shout at others about how functional their relationship is- and if they do, it's generally the dude doing it and the woman quietly nodding her head while only being partnered to him.
Omg glad ur here
Hi, you're my hero
Wait- how is monogamy toxic (Ik you said for you but I still need to understand.)
@53Turtlee Forced polyamory is toxic just as forced monogamy is toxic. Like if you already agreed on how things are at the beginning of the relationship and you partner is trying to suddenly change it through guilt tripping and such then that would count as toxic.
People just vibe differently in different relationships. Just as monogamy relationships has its issues, polyamory has those same issues. Mainly with communication. If you can't communicate how you feel with your partner/partners and take their feelings into account as well then of course the relationship is just destined to fail. Thats just how relationships in general works.
I agree with the point you laid out. So many people CHEAT and then use being “poly” as an excuse to make it okay. And that gives poly as a bad name. Cheating is NOT POLY. Poly is about communication and consent. If the “poly” part has no consent then it’s not poly. It’s cheating. In order to be poly you need to make sure your partner is okay with it and communicate so much.
I’m totally okay with people who are monogamous not wanting a poly relationship even tho I’m poly and very much want a poly relationship. My current partner just doesn’t want one and that’s ok. I’m happy. If all parties are okay with it and happy then polyamory is super cool and healthy and nice. I very much think I do better in open-ish relationships but I’m totally happy not having any form of poly if my partner doesn’t like it.
I like the take you gave on this. It refreshing to see monogamous people look at poly in this light and realize the difference between polyamorous relationships and cheating.
And oddly enough that whore comment reminded me of being trans almost too?? Like some people think trans (like any lgbt label) is a choice and I always feel like if I tell people I’m a gay trans man that they’ll suddenly see me as like a “reverse trap” and trying to trick men into fucking me when that’s not it at all. I’m a man I just don’t have a dick.
Sorry for the long ass comment but like...
Tl;dr I love this video and your take on poly and more people need to research poly and stop using it as an excuse to cheat
I think she just doesn't know what the difference between being
poly and being a swinger
biiiiiig difference
are you talking about me or my ex?
because my ex knew what it meant to be poly, he just didnt want a poly relationship.
and im actually poly so id hope you aren't misgendering me and calling me a swinger.
or are you talking about the girl in michies 'whore' comment, because yea that shit aint coolio poly aint that
@@psilicybins_ they weren’t- i think they may have misunderstood you-
Poly will always be an excuse to cheat sorry
Poly is simply permission to cheat. You have to remember who you are cheating. People think that because their mate gives them permission to have another doesn't mean they're cheating. But God instituted monogamy. He gave Adam Eve as a gift. Now if someone gives you a gift, but you go and take more than what they've given you, you stole. You cheated. So the person in affect cheats God.
5:12 polyamory isn’t for everyone, just as monogamy or even just dating in general isn’t. They shouldn’t have tried pressuring you into that. It’s your life, not theirs.
Preach! If you're not compatible with someone, why not just...break up with them or stop pursuing a doomed relationship? It'll hurt at first but it's much better for everyone in the long run. Imo if you try to force someone to change then you never really loved them in the first place, you just loved the _idea_ of them.
People need to learn that if you go into a relationship being monogamous then you can't just suddenly change it to poly without talking to your partner, especially if you cheat on them before you decide you're suddenly poly. And you absolutely can cheat on people in poly relationships, because every relationship has boundaries and breaking those boundaries is cheating. Yeah some of the boundaries people set don't always make sense but if you explicitly agree to these set boundaries then you have to follow and respect them. And please please please talk about it before you enter a relationship with someone, it's so much better and healthier than doing something bad later and then learning what not to do for that relationship. In any relationship communication is key.
Thank you for this i couldn't have said it better myself.
As a poly questioning person THANK YOU
For real, thank you for this. I hear so many poly people say I'm "toxic" simply because I prefer monogamy, as if being poly is the only healthy way to love someone. It's really hurtful, and yeah, like you said, I have had a lot of former friends cheat on their spouses by claiming "poly"....when the spouse didn't even know. Yeah, that's bullshit. There are so many other examples of why it's toxic, but it saddens me to see the community be so elitist.
There's no right or wrong way to go about loving someone, be it poly, mono, whatever the hell you want, as long as it's happy and healthy. I don't really see why being monogamous is such a sticking point and used by the poly community to look down on others.
I really hate the people who act like being poly is the only _good_ type of relationship. I might jokingly say sometimes "just be poly", but I know it's not that simple and that being poly isn't for everyone. Unfortunately there's a lot of elitism in the poly community where they think that dating more people somehow makes you better, as if you're showing off how well you can spin plates without dropping them.
I mean monogomous people also act like their way of loving someone is the only way to love, and look down on people who have poly relationships...it isn't as if poly people are the only ones who do it, and generally it's a vocal minority that act all elitist, you shouldn't just generalize an entire community like that?
@@starlette7820 you just generalized a community in your complaint about generalizing communities- I'm pretty sure they weren't claiming mono people aren't guilty of that and it's obvious they're talking about the bad apples of the poly community.
I’m poly but my current partner is mono. He was previously forced into a poly relationship (he did wanna try it at some point but he wasn’t ready at the moment) and it ruined it for him. I’m only in a relationship with him rn because he isnt into poly and he’s the only one I want rn.
"Doing the fuckles" that phrase made me _chuckle_ !😂
Woah that rhymed
Hitoshi Shinsou it’s as if it was purposely *timed*
Wow thats a nice *rhythm*
@@DwDami uh, Uh
LIME!
@@skillet7299 wow, that rhyme was simply sublime
as a poly person, not all people are made to be poly. and it's disgusting that people use it the way you mentioned. in a proper poly relationship, everyone needs to mutually get along, and no one person is held at a higher regard than the other. you are all equally loved, and cared for. i agree with your takes 100% good job. thank you for bringing this topic up.
My aunt is poly, and I agree, my aunt has told me a few things about it, and her BF and his other GF are in a fully consentual (I can not spell pls 💀) relationship
Delusional
I'm not poly but I wholeheartedly agree with this.
@@uuu5713 dude the fact that you think someone is lying about having to people consent and love says many MANY sad things about your dating life. I sort of get ur name though
Un limon, he only said one word. Why did you take it so personal 💀💀💀💀💀
E x a c t l y
Coming from a poly individual, all of this is true. Poly needs communication to work
As a polyam person: I 100% agree! People are using being poly as an excuse for cheating, and they just want everything for themself!
As in, they can be with others, but their partner can’t be with anyone else
People who use the excuse they're poly to cheat deserve to rot in the worst places of hell. It makes things so much worse for people who identify as such and I wish u nothing but the best in upcoming relationships too!
Thats… basically what it is though..
I'm poly and I agree with you. People who use poly as a "free-to-cheat" thing are gross and awful.
I am not poly and do not have any openly poly friends. However, as someone who is on the outside I feel like a lot of people conflate poly-AMOROUS relationships with OPEN relationships. The first is literally "multi-loving". That is to say, its where there is love for multiple people. Preferably mutual, but I can see it being less true the more people you add to the polygon. Open relationships, by comparison, are simply where the members have agreed it's ok to seek sex outside of the relationship. You could, theoretically, have a poly relationship that is "closed": a family of lovers who never try to sleep with someone outside the relationship. Similarly, you can have an open relationship that isn't a poly-amorous one: a 2-person relationship where one or both members sleep with other people for the jollies.
You should, in theory, be able to make any of these 4 combinations work (open poly, closed poly, open mono, closed mono). But in order to make it work, I think we as a society need to be more clear about which we're talking about. As Twisted Disaster is talking about here, her friend was in an *open* relationship, but thought she was in a *poly* one. There was no love lost in "the cheater" 's lovers: it was all about finding sex outside their main partner, and said partner was not ok with that but thought saying so would make them "the bad guy".
I've never seen a more clear explanation of all of this before, thank you so much!
Honestly, my main gripe with Poly is that with THREE of my partners in the past, I would enter a relationship under the pretense that it was monogamous - only to find out later that there were other people involved. And "it's fine because [they] were poly!"
I agree with the sentiment that being poly is fine! But to lie about it is incredibly frustrating
3 partners?? Im sorry to hear, thats so messed up. I'm glad you got out of those relarionships
That was not a poly relationship, becaause if it was everyone would've been aware and consented to being in a relationship with eachother.
If it's not that it's just flat out cheating in a poly trenchcoat
uh oh, this is about to get messy....
I expected it to but I'm pleasantly surprised
Polyamory requires communication (Just like all healthy relationships). Not everybody is cut out for polyamorous relationships (Same with monogamous relationships). You definitely can cheat in polyamorous relationships. Cheating is a break in trust, a broken agreement.
I dunno why
bUT I DONT KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THE GREEN OUTLINE MEANT THAT WAS *lEtTUCe*
I thought I was the only one!
RareEmoTurkey same dude
ｌｅｔｔｕｃｅ
H
i love your profile picture and user and i thought it was lettuce too
I'm so glad someone else is talking about this toxicity of the "poly" community. For years, these types horrible people were the only I met that called themselves "poly". They ruined their relationships, and the relationships of others. I harbored a deep hatred for what I thought was the "poly" community for a long time, until I met ACTUAL poly people. Those fake poly people really dragged the lifestyle through the mud and that's not ok.
EXACTLY, I KNEW A PERSON WHO USED POLYAMORY AS AN EXCUSE FOR CHEATING, SHE WAS ALSO 14 AND TOXIC AS HELL! POLYAMORY 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 AN 👏 EXCUSE 👏 FOR 👏 CHEATING 👏
Some poly people date other poly people and some don't date other poly people, my girlfriend is polyamorous before we even started to date I'm okay with it as long as she asks me if she can date other women and I okay with cuz I'm oblivious and I will ignore people even closed friends and family, so with I'm really okay with her dating other girl
I find that this is really damaging. My partner was given the wrong idea about polyamory, and because I'm poly he rushed into an arrangement just to make me happy. He ended up with a lot of anxiety and stress because he's actually not cut out for it. He was terrified of breaking our rules even though they weren't complicated, because it just wasn't natural for him. Eventually we had to talk about it and he was scared I would break up with him, but I just informed him that if he wasn't poly then we didn't have to have an arrangement. I told him I would remain monogamous if it was better for him, because poly people won't lose our mind if we can't have multiple partners.
These misconceptions that being poly is fun and a free-for-all situation that's relaxed and requires less commitment need to stop. It's actually stressful as hell because communication needs to be perfect. You need to be even better at relationship management to have a second partner or a multi-partner relationship. The reason I'm comfortable in being poly is because it comes naturally to me as a romantic desire.
People need to stop wanting to be poly when they're not! Polyamory isn't for being better than others or being "the right way", or cheating on people.
It's a massive problem, because poly people aren't non-committal and we do have romantic commitment and experience jealousy and anger when betrayed.
Being poly is just involving more than one person in your life romantically, it's not about sexual promiscuity. It's not a superior lifestyle. It's not about looking like a good person. Thanks for speaking up about us being grouped in with people that are sexually or romantically irresponsible.
5:23 monogamy itself isn’t stupid. The way society treats monogamy and romantic relationships in general is stupid and toxic, but the idea of being with one person at a time romantically is not stupid. Some people read one book at a time or watch one show at a time. Some people date one person at a time. Monogamy also isn’t dead, seeing as most people are mono? Like??
my boyfriends ex was poly so she brought another girl into the relationship, so my boyfriend tried to get to know about girl2 but girl1 got mad about it so she left him. he is still confused about it to this day
Dafuq lmao
Sounds like a "rules for thee but not for me" arrangement 💀
You should NOT be angry at Michie for this opinion?? Literally all she's saying is that abusive relationships/cheating is wrong, no matter whether you're poly or not???
my issue with polyamory is just how so many poly people proclaim it as the only true and healthy way to have a relationship. that if you get upset at your partner for loving multiple people you are a toxic jealous controlling prick.
im confident in my relationships health, but I could not handle not being his #1. sucks to suck i guess but i don’t like being told my relationship is unhealthy because we have a certain dynamic that MIGHT be unhealthy for OTHERS.
As someone who's been in both good and bad poly relationships, I respect the hell out of this.
Thank you for always putting good energy, love, and just general human decency out into the world~
Yeah Heck this is something I agree with.
My old girlfriend and I were happy together and she claimed she was bisexual when we were together. And I'm a open biromantic. But a few weeks into the relationship, I saw that she posted a picture on her Instagram that she was with someone else now. Saying how they were dating and such. And when I confronted her about it she just claimed that she was poly all of a sudden. And she didn't even tell me about it and ask me if I was alright with it. Which I wasn't. And I just, left right there. She tried to say that she still has feelings for me a year or so later but. That ain't happening.
Sorry. Random commenter and story. Keep scrolling.
I have a friend who used “poly” as an excuse to get away with cheating on her boyfriend and it made me super sad because I could see how much he loved her and how much it hurt him but he let her use that as an excuse so that he could still be with her and that’s sad.
I came to this video knowing I was going to be upset about it, but then the disclaimer at the beginning saying happy, healthy poly couples exist. That just brightened my day. Thank you. I am bisexual and poly so this made me feel so understood by someone. Life recently hasn't been kind to me and this made me feel a lot better. I'm going to send this video to my beloved to make their day better. nwn
Also, some advice, don't say 'fixer.' I think 'healer' is a much better term for someone who tends to try to actually help people with their problems.
well im happy I helped you cheer up your day! But I did mean Fixer when I said it because that is how I used to think of it. But I dont think of it that way any more. I do still want to help people and their problems.
I think she might have meant it like, the fixer/healer often gets taken advantage of and put up with a lot of bullshit for the sake of "I want to help you be better."
"Cheating isn't just doing the fuckles"
I understand and respect Poly if it is a stable partnership. That means, you have a group of people who are loyal to each other and don’t constantly have to recruit new members. But I have a hard time believing that you can have a stable relationship while constantly adding new sexual partners to the mix. I also agree with your point that, someone shouldn’t have to change from monogamous to poly to cater to their partners needs.
So the problem with poly relationships:
There isn’t there is a problem with people
Not understanding what a poly relationship is.
And using it as an excuse for cheating.
Poly isn’t the problem. It’s some of the people.
I'm glad you made this video, because honestly, my last two relationships crashed and burned the second they asked to open the relationship and couldn't handle me saying I was uncomfortable with that. My ex would post on his story "i love my S.O. but i think i really like my friend so i dunno" and he knew i'd see it. and then he'd beg me to let him sleep with them and i'd say no, and he'd keep asking, and we'd spend hours having a conversation where I continued to tell him i wasn't comfortable and he'd keep being like "but why tho"
and then after hours of that, i finally said "fine, knock yourself out. i'm going to bed." and the next morning i woke up to him sending me pictures covered in hickeys and being like "i wore ur favorite sweater today" and i genuinely hated that. fast forward a little bit and he made a private instagram account where he'd post on his stories about how he's gay and really wants a cute boyfriend (this was when I was still identifying as a cis female) and he'd say "im talking to one of my exes and he's so cute and i missed him". When I found the account i sent him a screenshot of it and asked him if he's cheating or if he even still cares about me (because again he told me he was bisexual and all of a sudden was using this account to vent about how he's gay and really wants to date a guy. He ended up saying "idk i think im gay but like i still like u i just need time" and dragged me along for weeks while telling his friends he was just gonna pretend to love me to spare my feelings.
It is very true that partners will use polygamy/polyamory as an excuse to be awful, and you have to be strong enough to know you don't deserve it, and to not let them win.
Before the Video:
"The Problem with Poly Couples"
Me being Poly: Please be sensible, don't be an uneducated nit-wit...
During and After the Video:
Me: Yass queen, let's join up and destroy all the toxic poly! 👑
When the relationship with my exboyfriend wasn’t going well. He didn’t have the balls to say “we are done”, instead he suggested we should meet other people, then come back and try to fix things. He didn’t tell me to become poly, but was kind of implied since he refused to end the relationship.
I just couldn’t take it as a break knowing he implied he wanted to fuck around and then come back to see if our relationship was fixable. And yes, after a couple of months he tried, but I refused to retake the relationship and call it quits. The fact he told me he wanted to cheat in an “acceptable” way didn’t make it any less hurtful.
Yep. I am poly and I can confirm that it is NOT THE SAME AS CHEATING. Cheating is not communicating, and having another person in your life without the first significant person knowing. Polyamory is the persons involved communicating with each other and being aware that they are all in a relationship. It’s all about consent and communication. Is long as you’re happy and it’s not toxic/illegal, then like who you like.
@Murasaki TheProtogen that’s cheating then. If she didn’t make sure it was okay with you then it’s NOT OKAY.
Ngl, was initially concerned seeing the title. But as poly (and pan) myself, I love everything you had to say about it!
The person “chose” pansexuality?? No. Just no! I never asked to be panromantic! I even denied it and forced myself to be 100% straight. No one genuinely chooses their sexuality! I feel like that person was trying to manipulate others into accepting them. They cheat, then excuse it as poly when it’s not even an open relationship (which is different from poly, for those wondering) then say they’re pansexual like that’s what it MEANS to be poly or open. I’m happy for people who are in happy poly relationships, but that person is NOT poly, and they certainly aren’t pan, or bi, or gay if they “chose” to be.
Also, Y E S being bi or pan does not mean you want to get into threesomes or poly/open relationships! I’m sorry you have been through so much! People in the LGBT+ should understand and support each other, not create false stereotypes and assumptions!
(Also nice drawing!!)
This was much nicer than I thought
I'm not mean I juST
LOVE LOTS OF PEOPLE
My friend is poly, and they seem like they’re super happy with it! They’re dating two girls, both of which are the “main partners” to them. They also get to go out with other girls outside of the poly relationship, as long as the outsider has been relatively cleared for STIs/they use female condoms.
Im poly and one of my ex's cheated on me and said "well youre poly so its okay." And aperently she would try to target poly people and use this as an excuse because she had a weird cheating fetish. I agree on your point, but a toxic/cheating poly realationship really shouldnt be considered a true poly relationship. Like a mono relationship shouldnt have more then one person even if one isnt.
At 1:51 I'm going to admit, since the flowers were green lined they reminded me of lettuce.
If artist can paint the most beautiful rose. I wonder if they can paint a lettuce or cabbage
@@chimaeraarts probably
Polyam person here and we hate this shit too, we didn't WANT assholes to latch onto what was originally us trying to justify our own existence.
(Also I'm closed polyam stuff only, and all members of the polycule have to be equal for me. Having a "Main" partner icks me out something fierce. The whole point for me is I can love these different people equally for different reasons, elevating one above the others would contradict all of that.)
Not that any of that matters at the moment because MY GIRLFRIEND IS MONOAM AND I AM RESPECTING HER BOUNDARIES ON THAT, REGARDLESS OF BEING POLY MYSELF.
(As for your sets of stories, yeah, it is DEFINITELY possible to cheat, even on a polyamorous person, if you're lying and going behind their backs, you're 100% right.
For example my boundaries are that my partner/s need to tell me BEFORE they start dating someone new, and the other person typically needs to be someone I know in advance.)
Also, perks of being a lesbian, I don't have to deal with the stuff gross heterosexual men do. (Some women run the same shit, sure, but like it's a lot rarer since it's not like we're raised with a bunch of shit to feel *entitled* to other women.)
LATER EDIT: And thanks for the support~! Inter-minority solidarity stuff is awesome :D
My ex is Poly and I didn't find out until I found the other girl. He only wanted my body, He took unwanted pictures of my body and keeps pictures of every woman and man's body and I'm scared he still has a picture of my body. I still feel so afraid and i felt like a tool because they forced me to do things that I didn't want to do with my body.
Yayy!!! Someone speaks about it!
I could never get my points across about how people misuse the term of poly in relationships without being called a hypocrite. I don't think poly relationships are bad, but gosh darn golly gee have I seen the worst side of it ever since horny playboys decided to slap two people together who hate each other's guts and force them into a relationship all with the justification of it being "A GOoD PoLY ReLAtiOnShIP YouRe JuST To jUdgEmEnTAl To UnDerStAnd!!!1!1!"
I feel bad for people in healthy poly relationships who have to suffer from hate because other people are tarnishing the image by misusing it to be selfish and abusive.
i was really worried for a second w/ the title lmao, but i agree with you
I have a hard time grasping the whole polyamorous relationship idea because I'm a very untrusting person. I have a very hard time communicating my feelings so it's really hard for me to put myself in a polyamorous' persons shoes. When I do that all I feel is nervous and I just can't understand, well, it's very hard to me to understand how someone can be so open and honest with another person.
For example: a lot of humans talk to animals, an animal is different, they don't have opinions about you and they can't leave you so it's easy to talk to them but humans, humans can do whatever they want and it just makes me be even more untrusting of them.
It's hard for me but I do understand why everything's happening in that community and why people may need more than one person to satisfy their needs, I just don't understand how you do that in a healthy way. (´∩ω∩｀)
I don't understand it either. Why would you need another if you have healthy and good relationship?. Poly sounds like an excuse sometimes
@@suziekeuls7582 having a healthy and good relationship has nothing to do with one's capacity to love. I can love both my parents at the same time, I can love both of my siblings at the same time, and I can love all of my friends at the same time, so why is romantic love forced to be different? Just as I can love more than one fictional character or more than one celebrity, romantic love too does not suddenly run out after just one person.
@@suziekeuls7582 It's not about needing another, it's about the fact you have the ability to experience mutiple romantic attraction.
As a person in a healthy happy poly relationship with 2 people, one of my boyfriends got cheated on by his boyfriend that wasnt in our circle we have now, and then tried using the fact that he was poly to say it wasnt cheating. It's really sad how people do this, and for those who are poly as am i, i ask you to be careful on who you let into your poly circle, make sure you know them for a while before jumping into things. Have a nice day reader and thank you Twisted for this video! ^^
When I first clicked on this, I thought you ranting about poly couples entirely, but I see what you mean here, and I agree with it.
Glad I watched this instead of judging it before actually watching it.
I'm pan and was in a monogamist marriage (happily I might add). You're sexual orientation has nothing to do with if you're monogamist or polymerious
That was the only part of the video where I was like, "what... ?"
My best friend would have around 6 partners at a time and as soon as it would end they would immediately go on to another the next day, they even cheated on most of their partners just to flirt with my other best friend may. They always said that’s just how they were but I think they were only dating people just to date people, and it’s annoying. No one thinks it’s right but my friend doesn’t care and does it anyways. I have no idea how to make them stop speed dating like this but we don’t talk often so it’s not like I could do anything about it bc they are just Gonna block me again bc they are immature.
I have to admit, I've had one brush with a poly relationship and it got bad quickly.
I was in a relationship with a guy (I'll call him W). We were both very good friends with another guy (H) and I kind of liked H as well as W. I had been with W for about a month when H admitted to having feelings for both of us. W suggested a poly relationship and we all agreed and were all happy with it.
That very night, W messaged me saying he was uncomfortable with the relationship and he was insecure about me possibly liking H more. He told me to pick between them and I chose W.
I broke up with W 3 years later because it turned out he was emotionally abusive and a generally embarrassing person to be around.
I wish I'd stayed with H and told W to do one.
I haven't been in a poly relationship since.
So thankful I clicked on this. You are absolutely correct about this, and while I haven't seen it for myself in my personal life, I've heard about it and seen people try to turn "so an so is bisexual/polyarmorous and all they wanna do is XYZ" to paint the person in a bad light. Your stories and opinions absolutely needed to be said because a lot of people forget about communication and healthy relationships of all kinds.
I clicked on this video expecting to see one of my favorite youtubers suddenly lose my respect and I found that you your argument was out of genuine concern rather than hatred for a specific identity! as a person open to poly relationships, this is a really big issue that needs to be brought up more!
Before Poly was really a thing my parents had an "open" relationship. In this relationship the idea was that Person A could be with anyone but Person B would stay monogamous. But Person B didn't stay monogamous and hid that. Person A only found out when Person B was caught with Person A's boss. The relationship was pretty much over then. Not a good thing. Don't do that.
should not, the same right apply to all.
Using poly as an excuse to cheat is like saying something racist and saying you have a black Friend
3:17 you can still cheat in a polyamorous relationship. Poly or not, cheating is very hurtful and upsetting. They could have been poly, but they were still cheated on.
I'm like 10 mins in right now but I'm ganna write so I don't loose my train of thought.
Hi! A guy in a healthy poly relationship over here! I have two amazing partners who are very loving and supportive.(All of us are "main" ??? Ones) I have been bothered by people using polyamory as a,, well as you said "get outta jail free" card so often. It bothers me so much seeing people do that and force polyamory on their partners.
It's disgusting and I really am trying to keep the reputation of it as healthy as I can on my social media because of said people, being openly poly and whatever, really wanting to show that good poly people exist. It's something that took me a long time to figure out and I really don't want this to be another bi/pan situation as you said. And like, half the time when I like someone it has nothing to do with anything sexual if any at all, and that's what it's like for the rest of us. We're all just messes that get crushes all the time and talk about them to eachother?
It's just really sad to see go around media
Not the way I wanted polyamory to get out there more :'//
"They are not a unicorn. They do exist."
Me: UNICORNS DO EXIST HOW COULD YOU
I'm poly and pretty much it's all about the consent, love and honesty amongst all partners. If I were to have caught you cheating and use it as the excuse we were poly no.that's not how poly works. CONSENT AND HONESTY. Cheating is neither consent amongst all partners nor is it honesty.
genuinely thought you were about to go off on a rant about how polyamorous relationships suck but your point is actually really good!! :)
This video did show up in my home feed! Glad yt is fixing my feed finally. I missed your videos!
Janamatrix Illustration that’s good to know! Well I do make videos every Wednesday.
Thank you!! Thank you so much! My girlfriend and I have talked about being poly, but we are VERY fucking careful about who we like. If there is ever a moment when we both find someone we like, we will HEAVILY talk it over with each other. We have found multiple people that we have talked about, but we haven't found someone we both love enough but each other. I'm happy now, so I don't see that day coming very soon.
Honest communication and enthusiastic consent are important, the more complicated you make a relationship the more complex it gets (not that I am not annoying and clingy if limited to one partner (my boyfriend is fine about me cuddling others (and being less demanding on his time) so that's our compromise)).
im questioning poly and have been for a long time but at the same time id get WAY too jealous
n, my partner would get jealous too so it wouldn't work
but tyeres def the feeling that its possible ti work under diff circumstances
I panicked when I saw the title ngl sdhwlkrdb So glad that I agree with what you said tho
I remember back a while ago when I was dating this guy, he would cheat on me alot. Whenever I called him out on it he would then say how he was just poly, he wasn't cheating on me at all. Which I saw through that bullshit because I knew what it actually was.
I didn't end up dumping the guy then though. I was one of those idiots who gave their partner too many chances. Anyway I thought this was an interesting video that needed to made made not just to help people who are poly from getting into bad relationships but to also help people who aren't poly to not get tricked into a poly relationship or just a cheating one.
I think being genuinely Poly is a big difference from people excusing cheating and being dishonest with "Oh I'm poly, so it's okay"..
You NEED to trust them and you NEED to be able to communicate and set up certain rules so you and your partners stay comfortable and mentain a peaceful and loving rs-
If you still sleep or flirt around with others without the consent of your loved ones, then it's still cheating.
I have been in a poly relationship for nearly a year now. I think it really is more secure than just two people dating. I had toxic bf's in the past n ig in poly relationships u cant rly be toxic since its never just the 2 of u. But then again my bf's r amazing but I don't plan to make our relationship public yet because in my country poly relationships are pretty rare and so it opens a lot of negative judgment towards us too.
Edit: Btw I completely agree with the points u laid out too
Honestly, I agree. Because I had personally experienced this myself. It's a real mess of a story, so I'm just gonna cut it down to most necessary details. In seventh grade, I was walking around with a guy I was dating at the time. Somehow, the conversation turned into him talking about how there was another girl he wanted to ask out. After I asked him out, he said that he wanted to keep our relationship on the down low. Supposedly, he was afraid that people would make fun of us and I (stupidly) agreed to those conditions. Anyhow, my two brain cells and I questioned him as to why he would openly talk about cheating on me. His response; "Oh, you see, I'm a mormon. So it's not cheating if I'm dating other girls." Yes, he said straight up thought that if it's okay to have nine wives then he can have nine girlfriends. Needless to say, I was never informed of this when we started dating. And I'm sure the other girls he was with didn't know about me either. From then on, the relationship left a sour taste on my mouth. I had eventually caught feelings for another friend of mine, and it became the catalyst for our breakup. However, if I never developed feelings for my friend then I would have stayed in that relationship longer than I wanted to.
In conclusion, honesty, trust, respect, and communication are essential for a healthy relationship. Don't do what I did and stay with someone who can't respect your boundaries or communicate about said boundaries
Your voice is like, incredibly comforting to listen to
Thank's for making this video, it really means a lot to the community and it's really informative!
I’ve tried to be in two poly relationships. They just didn’t work out because my main partner is just not comfortable because he wants to be completely devoted to me because for some reason it makes him feel like he’s cheating even though he’s not. He’s such a pure bean. I love him so much.
I totally agree, my ex used being poly as an excuse for cheating on me awhile back. But I did break up with him on the spot after I was told about this. Ive pretty much blocked him on everything now.
This helped me so much, my sister said she was polly about a month ago and her boyfriend did not want to have a polly relationship but stayed bc he loved her but she is using it to just cheat on him and shit and it’s really just not good.
I honestly despise polyamory, it fucked my perfectly good relationship when my gf suddenly came out a non-monogamous and ruined our lives.
I understand the main point of polyamory is that they believe it’s possible to love more than one person. Make sense, since monogamous people do this all the time, they fall in love with someone and break up then find someone new. The huge difference is that monogamous people don’t love different people at the same time.
I tried to adapt myself to polyamory, which I think could work if we tried but it was just a terrible idea all around. No one in my family would support this dumb stuff. And it'd be easier to just find another girlfriend that is monogamous and so I don't completely have to change my personality and preference.
Also idk how polyamory love works because loving more than one person, your love decreases. Like I dated two girls at once before and I had no energy left over. If you love one person, you can give your all to them. Whereas if you are dating two people equally, you can't give your love, time and effort fully to two or more people. The hours per day doesn’t suddenly double, you have to half and split your time and effort between those two people. Which is inherently loving them less than if you were to devote your entire time.
A lot of non-monogamous advocates keep on saying that "love is infinite", which is a fat lie. Love is infinite, maybe if you are Jesus or something but no human can demonstrate that. So in polyamory, what really happens is that the participants reduce that standard or level for love and accept the amount they are given, or rather they just barely tolerate it. Comparing love to your family or friends, brotherly love, “philia” is not the type of love that one has for a romantic partner, “agape”, so that is a false comparison.
I’ve seen videos of this guy, Zion-a, who has like 40 wives. Do you really think he loves his 40 wives equally, even though he claims that? Is that why he chooses to sleep in bed with his youngest wives and not his 1st and 2nd wife who are in their 70s? It seems to be that the wives just tolerate the polygamy for whatever reason. Of course this is not the similar example because it’s only one-way polygamy but you get the point.
Like the thing is that polyamorous get jealous too, just like monogamous people. So I don't really see the difference, it's just consensual cheating but with more steps. And monogamous people also have lust and passion for others that are not their partner but they don't act on it because they respect their partner.
I feel like if you are non-mono, then you should be single and only date people who are only non-mono. Because it's very unfair for the 96% of the population who are monogamous.
And I also feel like a lot of non-monogamous people go polyamory just because they hate the norm of getting married to one person they dated, then having kids and life’s over. Which is totally understandable, that can sound very boring and scary. But it does provide a bit of stability, the traditional marriage path. And the thing is that, even if you are married, you can still try stuff out. It’s not like if you are married then suddenly you can never try anything out anymore, you just have to communicate to your partner about it and see if they agree with it.
Sorry to hear that happened.
I agree with you saying they can’t “love” people equally because of the amount of time in the day, but I think the the discrepancy in thinking is that when they say “love” they are talking about just intensity of emotion and not that plus the level of dedication and commitment. The lack of dedication and lower standards of commitment is the whole appeal. Every poly person I ever met (who voluntarily wanted to try that lifestyle) was either just afraid of getting too attached to one person and so didn’t want to put all their eggs in one basket, or needed so much external validation to artificially prop up their self esteem that it’s more than one person could provide. Nothing healthy to be found anywhere.
As a side note, I kinda think you aren’t using the Greek words super accurately. Agape can be less personal, like charitable to mankind. Philia is something you’d want in a marriage,too; it doesn’t have to be one type of love per relationship.
My main issue with this is, that every con to polya couples apply to monogamous couples as well. ''You need to be honest'', ''For every happy couple there's 8 abusive ones'', ''You need to talk about things and have good communication''. It's all completely true - for all couples. Not monogamous or polyamorous in specific.
Polya is a very 'abstract' concept, because it can be 'build up' in so many different ways. Like 'The main partner', 'Relationship anarchy' or 'The triad', just to name a few. And different people will tell you different definitions on polyamorous relationships.
But if the friend, in the first example, isn't happy in their relationship, it's not because it's polyamorous. They weren't happy with the relationship when it was monogamous either. My problem is that this video is labeled 'The problem with Poly couples', when it's a general problem.
I absolutely agree, polyamory is not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with being monogamous. Everyone who says that, is a dick. Just like everyone who says polyamorous people are sluts, are as well.
I can tell these experiences are not what I've experienced in the polya community. I find people who take this very seriously and are dedicated and respectful to their partner(s). I'm aware culture can make a difference in these kinds of experiences, and I've been blessed with very understanding and open minded people around me.
And yes, there are awful people as well. People who think polya people wants to cheat with them, people who only seek bisexual women as if they were some kind of accessory, people who only want the 'freedom' for themselves and not their partner. That is a problem. But labeling polyamory as if this is the majority of polya people, kinda makes me sad.
I'm not trying to sound mean in any way, because I think it's an important conversation to have. English isn't my first language, and if I come off as rude it's not my intention!
Her main point in the video was that good and healthy poly couples were being lumped in with the bad ones and that people use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. Of course abstract concepts like "honesty" apply to monogamous couples too but polyamory has specific stereotypes associated with it because of people who use it to be toxic. She wasn't saying that polyamorous couples were inherently dishonest or anything.
You're right, but she did say that for every healthy polyamorous couple, there were at least 8 toxic ones. I'm aware it can be an exaggeration to make a point clear, but that doesn't really help to break harmful stereotypes.
My main point is, that all of these applies to relationships in general. As soon as there is a minority, there will be (harmful) stereotypes, but I don't really think the video help breaking them.
I didn't get the vibe that Michie is against polyamory at all. As far as I know from watching her videos, she is a very open minded person, and I often agree with her on her topics. And while I do not disagree with her main point of the video, I do disagree with the execution.
But again, I'm also very aware that her experiences in America can be different than mine are from Denmark, because of differences in culture, different friend groups and communities, etc.
PREACH!! No matter the relationship you're in, the most important is to be honest about how you feel! I wanted to talk about that in the comments but you really said everything Twis, thank you for this vid! ouo
I’m poly. My first relationship was a poly one, very healthy but the distance made it impossible for the other.
I was in a relationship that was supposedly open to poly (I never did anything myself besides help scouting) but it ended up with my ex being EXTREMELY toxic, abusive, the whole package. And it in the end turned out that open/poly was only an option to *him*. He wanted a type of relationship where *he* was the focus of attention at all times, and only by women! (I was the only exception being NB). He restricted everything with me almost down to who I was friends with.
I’ve known a friend who was ‘forced’ into a poly relationship herself and she was MISERABLE. So while I’m poly myself, I cannot STAND people like these who use it as a ‘get-out-of-jail-free-card’. Makes me just not want to look into full relationships cuz the risk is too high now
my ex was poly, but never told me he had a partner while dating me. then told me he was poly and i told him i wasn't okay with it because im not poly.
we broke up like 5 times and he abused me so much
I've never seen a happy poly relationship. EVER. Storytime.
Before I started dating him (for real), my current husband was sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend (they were "poly"). Once I came into the picture, she attempted to guilt/manipulate me into sharing him. I flat out told her that I don't share and to stay away from him. Of course, she instantly became super passive-aggressive towards me. Evidently, she tried to convince him to "kick me to the curb" because I wouldn't "get with the program" or some shit like that. He told her no and that he wasn't going to ruin a great relationship for someone like her. Of course, she then instantly turned on him too, and we stopped seeing his best friend for a while (she pretty much had him by the balls). Finally, they broke up, and we're moving past the torment she inflicted on all three of us.
I myself am in a poly relationship were I am in a loving relationship with two others, where its basically a triangle relationship were we are lovers to each other, we talk with one another, we care for one another and talk in honesty to one another, be it something personal, something nice or something that troubles them. We communicate with one another. We help one another. Basically a normal relationship just between three people. And its nice and we're thankfully happy with one another
It really is just a normal relationship
And I agree with you say in the video. The foundation of any relationship is communication and honesty. Something that people who forget that, should be reminded of
I know this is meant to be a serious topic [I've witnessed something similar to this type of situation firsthand], but I lost it when I heard "Doing the fuckles"
Thank you for saying this. I was in a Poly relationship for a year with someone I had very mixed feelings about. She had a very tight hold on what I did, but was totally fine with hitting on other people right in front of me. When I tried to talk to any of my friends (People I had no romantic feelings towards), she would insist on grabbing my arm and directing me away from them. She even told me that she was very possessive and how she wanted to keep me from my friends because she was jealous. At the time I was very weak minded and didn't speak out against this. She insisted on constantly holding my hand and wanted to kiss me when her friends were around. When I finally had the guts to break up with her (As nicely as possible, might I add), she still had the audacity to treat me like I was still her property.
As someone who is Polymerous, it sickens me to see people use being poly as an excuse to cheat. My partner has three other partners, and we are all happy, and we all get along with each other very well. It hurts to think that people think cheating is ok if you are poly. It's not. If you refuse to talk to your partner(s) about someone else you want to also be in a relationship with, then you shouldn't be in that relationship. Being poly is not an excuse to cheat, it's simply the way you handle relationships. Hell, you don't even need to be in love with your partner's other partners, but you should be open to all of them about how you feel. I'm just friends with my partner's other partners, and all of us are alright with that, and we always make sure everyone is happy and comfortable with the relationship.
When I was a bit younger in a "poly" relationship there was cheating, lying and when me (and my friend who were both of their main partners) decided to break up with them, they called up abusers, liars, cheaters, and in the end left us all unhappy and untrusting.
as someone whos poly and was in a toxic relationship, when we figured out that it wasnt healthy, we amongus voted them out since they are the imposter. we are happy as an open poly couple, our rules are we gotta know about them like we dont have to know them, we just gotta know that they exist. we couldnt be happier.
The toxicity isn't necessarily on purpose all the time, either. It only makes sense that relationships comprised of more people will be more difficult to maintain proper communication in, because multiple people have a higher chance of multiple errors. It takes a lot of gentle care, informed consent, and planning to be part of a healthy poly relationship
As someone who’s been in a quite bad relationship with a poly person, here’s my experience.
Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship in August 2020. I hadn’t been able to contact her because her phone had broken and she wasn’t able to contact me when that happened. I had a friend that was able to contact her for whatever reason, and then she got a text from my ex saying:
“Hey, I’m coming out as poly! Meet my new girlfriend and boyfriend!” And I didn’t know these people, I’ve never met them, never knew them. I also didn’t have an interest in dating multiple people. That’s when I finally got her number, and we got in a huge fight about it. She said she didn’t realise that I wasn’t poly, and she also didn’t respect that I wasn’t interested in sexual relationships, or my pronouns after I came out as trans to her. That’s when we realised we should break up and I deleted her number. I’m not sure how her and the people who are in a relationship with her are doing now, but I hope she realises that this can be used as a form of cheating and she needs to respect her partners preferences.
I really wanna comment on the story and everything said in the video but I am just so memorized by your art and shading. I love your points on the topics you really are right!
4:05 “they never cheated on me in the last because we’re presently in an open relationship” what? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m poly. I was not a part of this relationship. But I still recognize that this person was cheated on. You can still cheat in a polyamorous relationship. Cheating is crossing boundaries, being dishonest, trying to hide things, being with other people without the informed consent of your current partners.
As someone who is poly my ex asked me if he could but he had almost broken up with me the day before he asked so ofc said yes and I was miserable and every time I told he he was like "no, this is how it works-" and ik its not bc I've been in a healthy poly relationship and your partner shouldn't be wanting to fall back into self harm bc of it.. so yeah, I agree with you!
Thank you! As someone who is poly and has been in both healthy and non-healthy poly relationships in the past, I greatly appreciate your take on poly! Thank you!
I think true polyamorous relationship is actually 3 or more people MUTUALLY loving each other and agreeing to be committed to only each other. What your friend's toxic partner was doing was simply a poor attempt at "open relationship" and eventually using it as an excuse for being dishonest/cheating. Poly and open relationship are sooo different, and either one or both isn't for everyone. Switching up partners constantly is NOT true poly. As for one having polyamorous feelings for so many people, the most responsible thing to do is never act on those feelings when committed to someone who prefers a monogamous relationship.
wheni was a freahman i found this freind group that was actually just a 7 person chain "relationship" nobody got along, it was incredibly toxic, one of them pressured alot of people into sex. and it was a mess. i was sadly freinds with these people and im now a junior and honestly it was pretty much traumatizing how they treated me and pressured me to join and just eck...
Dem flowers doe. I wish I knew how to make mine look that neat.
Tauxelouve I used photo references ^^
i haven't seen your videos before, this came up on my recommended and i just thought "ohhhh no here we go" and then i watched the video and it wasnt nearly as painful and disrespectful as i was prepared to see! thank you for this :)
I clicked in expecting to be angry but like,,,, it's so valid. Like, my mom used it as a get out of free card whenever she was mad at my dad. And it ACTIVELY HURTS actual polyamorous people. I've had so many partners like "mmmm, im not comfortable with you being poly." And its like,,,, hun. Mini rant but, this needs to be brought up a whole lot more. Because even people (like my mother) can have actual healthy polyamorous relationships but the only thing people see is the stigma. Monogamous relations can be just as toxic, but that's never the first thing on people's mind.
Also the thought that there is the main and the little sides can also be toxic. Might just be me but I think it's fucked up to have favorites in that situation, I've been the main and the side and neither time has felt okay. If the 100 50 50 thing is your speed more power to you but, in my expiriences, that shit HURTS
The idea that "but being poly is so RELAXED and EASY so it's just better!!" is a misconception that _seriously_ needs to die. I'm not poly myself but I've known a couple of people who are, and they said it themselves that it's not for everyone. Different things work for different people and that's fine! They also expressed frustration about toxic people trying to use it as an excuse for unfaithfulness or commitment issues. Like, if treating ONE person right is too difficult for you, why would you try to get involved with MORE people and think that it'll magically be easier?? Also the whole idea of trying to "change" your partner and force them to accept new relationship styles they're not comfortable with...ew. Just break up with them if you're not compatible. That's abusive af.
Sadly I think some people get hung up on the "freedom" part without realising that there's more to it, and also that in ANY relationship, your fun shouldn't come at the expense of everyone else's feelings. Your partners are _people,_ not just toys you can spend time with whenever you ~feel like it~ 😤