Deadhead interview-Lenny
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- Опубліковано 24 жов 2024
- Soft White Underbelly interview and portrait of Lenny, a Deadhead in Port Denn, Delaware.
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#swu #softwhiteunderbelly #gratefuldead #marklaita #documentary #deleware
May his child rest in peace. This story is a painful reminder that the way we're raised and treated can have a lasting impact on our lives. It's a sad reality 😕
❤just what i was thinking
I wouldn't say a lasting impact. I would say all the impact. The psychological fashion in which we are raised, not the material fashion, is what truly matters. That is after base material needs are met.
@@DogmaticAtheist i agree
Oh, BS, ppl playing the " victim" narrative to rationalize their own dysfunction or drug addiction is a massive, cop out. Early life, psychological trauma/ abuse may explain the INITIAL cause of a person getting into drugs, or other self-destructive behaviors. Oh, it's not my fault, I am a looser, " My abusive father " excuse, seems lame and delusional , for a long time," deadhead " drug addict. The sad part is, the man did not get treatment or intervention early on, to regain custody of his son.
Crying. This is a huge reminder for me to be more patient with my only daughter. I would be devastated to lose her and know that I would look back and regret a lot. She deserves the best
Be patient, we're all a work in progress.
i was beaten by my mother for being 'just like your farther ' who i didn't even know !! now i am 65 and still look for approval i feel you Lenny my love and respect to you
❤
Get over it before it’s too late, the past is over
@@david-pb4bi absolutely agree
@@petethefeet1461 That’s ok friend, easier said than done.
I want to thank Lenny for sharing his life with us. I related to quite a bit that he said. I have been blessed to get off methadone for 7 months now and been in recovery and it has made life so much better. I wish all the blessings to Lenny.
Congratulations on finding recovery and especially getting off the methadone. I have friends in recovery who are finding the methadone harder to come off than the heroin/pharma opiates. Wishing you all the best for your continuing recovery ❤
I'm sorry you have so much pain, but for the others in your life, you have to understand those people have to do what is best for themselves. I wouldn't continue to expose my self or my family to someone so destructive. I just lost 2 sisters ( to death) they were beautiful wonderful souls but we're wrapped up to addiction
You can still love someone but , but not agree with their life choices
Great job Brother. Keep it up. 🫡
Damn. I’m 31. Just bought my first house and became a team lead at work. I’ve been stressing about these new responsibilities and bills… then you watch something like this. Christ. I’ve got a good life and a good opportunity. These videos really help put this all into perspective. Let’s be grateful for the life and opportunities we have.
❤ Agreed and congratulations on your home and gig !
@@Salvievelynn thank you! ❤️
You are blessed, never forget that. Keep watching these videos. They keep you grateful, humble and to realize we are all looking for love and acceptance. Bullies are just more physical in looking for love and acceptance.
Poor Lenny. His hell is on earth.
So his struggles and misfortune makes you feel better about yourself.
@@xYoriex Clearly you missed the point. He is a survivor of all the misfortune in his life. If he can still be here and tell his story it can be an inspiration to others. He is an inspiration and we should look within to bring this type of inspiration to others. By learning, by listening and sharing also by being grateful for the good and the bad within our own lives. We all live our own lives and we all have peaks and valleys some more than others. It just perspective…you either have it or you don’t. All love ❤️
It’s always interesting seeing the old reflecting back on their life in a very deep way. We only have so much time to look to the future.
Wise words
Didn’t look to far in the past because you’re going start to question your existence.
@@lvr8429 That would be my guess for every human being, but no one ever says that, thanks
Too much time
@@lvr8429Surprisingly pessimistic comment from someone who suggests that's there's a God. There's more evidence to believe there's no God at all, versus a vindictive one.
The way people bare their souls on this show…my god, it’s incredible.
This is one of the episodes that leaves a lump in the throat. I want to see a day when healing people becomes the most important thing in this world and society.
I suspect that you just hit the nail on the head, in terms of what we're here on this planet to learn.
...the essence of what life could be about.
But we're all too consumed with a gazillion other things.
@@ShellBAtoms and maybe hearing peoples’ stories in this way is helping us understand
@@ryankenny5 No doubt. This channel has most certainly helped people be more empathetic, compassionate, and less judgemental of others.
That's true spiritual growth.
I suspect that's why we're here.
I've been struggling w some things lately-health wise etc. But, seeing this video makes me SO grateful for the support of my dad. He & I had a wonderful relationship. When I was about 14, he told me that no matter what happened, he'd always be there for me..& bc I knew my dad, I knew he meant it. On the other hand, my mom was a malignant narcissist who wasn't anything like a mother should be. When I was 23, my dad died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack @only 60 in '94. And afterwards my mom was just a miserable, mean person-NOT bc my dad died but bc of her malignant narcissism. BUT I KNOW I'm blessed to have had such an incredible dad who loved me & always made sure I knew how much he did. RIP dad ❤
We all appreciate your time Mark ❤ Thank you ❤
Mark, the title isn't accurate. This is a multigenerational pain story, not just a man following the dead. Geez.
its honestly a little frustrating. there are SO MANY incredible, engaging and exiting stories that heads have from tour. many will obviously involve drugs, but most of them are not harrowing tales of addiction like this. this is really just another one of mark's drug addict videos, there is absolutely nothing here that is specific to deadheads or dead tour. this video really has nothing to do with the dead or deadheads, and really is not representative at all of what deadheads are actually like and the lives they actually lead. most of them are just normal folks with normal jobs and family lives, often with varying levels of drug use and/or adventure, but IME most deadheads dont use heavy drugs like heroin and mostly stick to cannabis and psychedelics. the interesting drug related stories are usually in reference to the business of selling or producing cannabis or psychedelics, not harrowing tales of heroin addiction.
@@d1943ias a former dead head, you’re extremely minimizing the vast number of people who end up dead or as addicts who followed the dead, even now. I saw more drug use in the lot of a dead or panic or phish show, open tanks everywhere. A ton of those people become addicts, a chunk heroin, coke, ketamine, nos, all kinds of addictive drugs in the scene. If you don’t know that you’re living in an incredibly ignorant bubble.
he could have said that too. but the title is still accurate. maybe he asked the guy how he wanted to be identified and thats what he chose
@@d1943i You do realize that Jerry Garcia himself was a heroin addict and used 'hard' drugs throughout his adult life. The claim that Deadheads only used psychedelics is false and misleading. I was on tour from 87-92 and when I returned in 95 in Chicago heroin use was very prevalent throughout shakedown.
He has so many multigenerational trauma stories he knows exactly how many views another one with an older looking man will get. Deadhead title = way more views.
From the hippie exposure I have had people generally shunned opiates except for maybe a small minority who hid it in the corners. This was more recent than the 90's and I never went full monty.
It is so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story,sir.
You're a kind and considerate person 👍
No matter how broken you ever feel… you’re still able to send love out to others and to attempt to receive love back. Things you wouldn’t believe can happen.
I read your comment three times. Well said.
Relatable childhood. I cried a lot at this one. I wish his gentle soul healing and peace.
His biggest fear is being left alone and cared for by strangers, just like he did to his son!
I'm 53 and my dad was brutal and viscous, mean and physically and emotionally abusive. That pain and anger, and thoughts never ever go away. Practically ruined for life as well as my 5 brothers and sisters. A dad cannot yell at a young mind and call him names and hit him physically and expect that mind to really be normal. When I was 6 years old, my dad use to stand on my back making me do pushups as I was crying in pain. "get up mother fuck*ing pus#y". Sometimes even pointed a 38 special gun at me. He did this to all his kids. So now he's 80 years old and wonders why his kids don't speak to him.
God loves you❣️✝️🙏
Yup. It changes your life. I always wondered how I'd be different ..if a better childhood? I'm 6 years sober. But 25+ years addiction/ homeless/ incarcerated etc? Idk
Hope ur ok and have nice day. I can relate thnx
Reading comprehension is important. Read it again. @@bentheredonethat-lx6nh
@@bentheredonethat-lx6nhit’s not hard for homeless people to have the internet wtf they have literal UA-cam channels, it isn’t 1998. And they didn’t say they’re STILL HOMELESS
@@bentheredonethat-lx6nhby stood thst doesn’t mean all his weight obviously. Just say you don’t like yourself man it’s okay Ben
Thank you everyone for your comments...For some perspective I raised my daughter for 18 years.I got on methadone when she was born ..We were poor but stable and she knew nothing about me using until I told her as a teen.I worked regular jobs CDL driver .All that said I was abusive...I put adult problems on a childs shoulders....I hav tried to be honest about everything and hope it helps in some way.
Thank you for sharing your story open and honestly with us. It definitely seems from the comments, to resonate with people; either because they could relate, or as a reminder to do better for our kids than what was does for us. I can only imagine the difficulty of going through what you shared, but your willingness to see your part is a huge step that a lot won't take. I will say (not as any kind of expert!) I think you would greatly benefit from therapy if you're not already attending. The methadone clinic should have or be able to assist you in finding available resources. Sending all the best to you and your family.
P.S. You do seem very intelligent and I did not think your responses were scrambled or more unfocused than anyones' would be while discussing experiences with strong emotional impact and a wide scope. Don't beat yourself up too much. It's wasted energy that you even said yourself, you're trying to be into being positive!
"You traded your kids for a good time". Mark nailed it. Wow!
Yea… all these people that have no regrets so you can live with yourself…. Sure
@@JeffreyPham79 he calls himself a critical thinker but couldnt think far enough ahead to save his kids from horror. instead he got high.
I grew up with no father. I buried him. I never wanted his approval.
That was powerful, sad and brutal at the same time. I wonder if he actually has pondered the weight of that sentence and his blunt admission of "I did." His son is dead because he chose his own kicks first. Absolutely tragic.
@@Unfluencer hey but NO REGRETS…. None. Yep he seems happy he had the wild life he did, at the cost of his child…. No regrets…. Sure
Shoutout to the guy Mrs Gaines married who stepped up and tried to give his son a chance! That’s the essence of life!
❤
I followed the Dead for 6 years & it was some of the most magical & genuine moments with the best people that I've experienced in my life ✌️♥️💯
💙⚡❤️💀🌹 Have a Grateful day, brother
I toured for the last 5 years 90 -95 best time of my life I followed phish for 35 years 606 shows and it's nothing like Jerry and the boys
what's your favorite dead song/live rendition?
@aryavirsangwan6837 Scarlet>fire>eyes Cornell that was the 1st tape given to me by my history teacher and him and his wife took me to my 1st shows but i love me a nice standing on the moon
We will survive not fade away lenny
His kids never had a chance and he wonders way his daughter won’t take care of him? Did he take care of her? He knew he had problems but didn’t seek help.
Wow it's so heartheartbreaking to see people be so cold about addiction. You're lucky so dont judge
@@misstresshavok6239 I don’t believe I’m judging, just stating facts from the interview.
@@cindylikin1874 I disagree. I don't think he showed any lack of understanding of his daughters actions. I'm pretty sure he said "I wasn't there for her, why would she be there for me?" It's easy to add to the pile of shame and guilt he already carries. While it in no way absolves him of his actions, knowing that he doesn't have a lot of self confidence, he wasn't taught or shown healthy emotional regulation / coping skills, and he did not have a support system that he could be vulnerable with, should make it easier to understand why he still struggles with selfish behavior and accountability. I don't think he has a strong enough skillset yet to do so fully. Again, he is a grown man and his actions and choices are 100% his responsibility. But, I do think simply pointing out that he didn't seek help or take steps to be there for his children earlier in life (which he seems very much aware of) isn't very empathetic or productive. He is clearly suffering, but also causing his children to suffer does not relieve him of any of his own, it only makes his worse. Whether or not we see that part of his pain as justified or deserved doesn't somehow make it easier for him to bare. Trauma isn't a fixed debt or a burden that can be just handed off, it only compounds and hurts more and more people if no one is ever given the support and empathy necessary to break the cycle.
How does this video only have 57K views?
Every adult in America needs to watch this.
I read a lot of comments that are really harsh and judgemental. This man knows his wrongs now. His brain is wired to repeat his father’s mistakes. He’s a product of his environment. Even though there are tools to help, it’s one of those tunnels he travelled through where he couldn’t know better. I feel for this man because his pain is so deep that it effects all roads of his life. I’m sorry this was your life Lenny. I hope you find your peace.
Damn, I shedded a few tears for his son Robert. His son’s pain is palpable.
His poor son
I think we really need to look into the child welfare system and make changes
The part that got me is when some people say theres NO REGRETS because their experiences make them who they are.. and they like who they are. But for all the people they hurt or fucked over… I guess they are ok with what they did to those people as long as they are happy now. Who cares about the people they hurt…Fuck that. Life is sometimes about living with regret and for good reason.
Yeah, they never think or reason well enough to comprehend how much better in all ways their life would be had they made better choices. Mind boggling, really.
@@dubaiedge it’s selfish. Basically they are saying they do not regret hurting the people in their lives. They are freeing themselves of the guilt. This guy’s son needed a father…. And now he’s DEAD. Yea…. No regrets… sure.
If it were me, I would regret that everyday for the rest of my life.
@@JeffreyPham79I do....
Thanks for interviewing Lenny Mark. Im so glad Lenny acknowledged all the wrong things he did as a parent. I cried a lot while watching this. Im a mom of 3 boys and my oldest had a hard upbringing. (Not drugs with me thankfully)
Understand. My monster mother abused me on a scale only a few know.. locked me in a closet, tortured, starved, drugged, beaten with an old splintered park bench wood plank turned into a paddle containing sharp carved holes representing each age. After each board broke on my bare skin then hung up with dried blood on a wall like trophies. I was hogtied, smothered, ripped hair and hair from scalp. Grew up on a rural farm surrounded by a barbed wire, electric fence and gate to keep from escaping while forced child labor, left outside during hot Florida summers where I drank water from a hose, ate dog food & slept on pine needle piles filled with poison ivy/oak, and animal feces always everywhere as she was a hoarder of all types. I was forced to switched schools until denied school all together. She was given an option of signing over custody or losing custody. I ended up in a group home for 8 months where the abuse escalated to SA and woke up in a hospital after 2 months confused to what had happened to me. After my monster mother had pulled another scam, she was given back custody of me, and back to her house of hell. I was enrolled me in a homeschool program where I stayed in a locked room for years in complete isolation without any education. CPS was called multiple times over the years but did nothing since my monster mother always cleaned up my 6 year younger mute sister and I in church clothes and propped us in chairs next to her so no opportunity to speak freely. Once the neighbor snuck me to the Orange County police department (Orlando, FL) who laughed, said “go home” b/c they thought it was a joke. At that moment in life, I began praying every day for either myself or her to die.
My exit strategy: A family member secretly gave me an SAT prep book to study in my locked room, took me to take the test, hand forged my HS transcripts & helped me enroll into a Christian college (Palm Beach Atlantic University) that helped my transition into the world. I had no idea that I was a legal adult at 18 because I’d been brainwashed to believe my abuser owned me for life. In my mind, I had to do whatever it took to stay in college for as long as possible or I’d be forced back to the “house of hell.”
A special thanks to the local abuse center, advocates, attorneys, police, courts, & doctors who initially thought I wouldn’t survive due to all of my injuries, and everyone who worked together. I received an IFP & placed in the State Victim Protection Program. Surviving to thriving is my ultimate justice.
I'm sorry
Wow! God bless you in your journey.
Wow! That is awful. Would love to hear your story if you write or have a channel. Maybe reach out to SWU. It's amazing how people can overcome and heal from trauma. I'm so sorry you had to go through that but speaking on it will bring more awareness that this does go on behind closed doors 😢😢
You’ve made a few comments about yourself. Are you commenting as an attempt to get interviewed?
Holy shit. You should be interviewed. It's amazing you survived 💐
"They let me out at 12:01" the exact time I'm hearing his words
We all make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes can alter our lifespan 😢
“he’s dead and i’m still looking for his approval” wow
“You reap what you sow”
Lenny, I am 47 years old. All I have ever wanted is my father's approval. My father's still alive. I feel like when he passes I won't seek approval anymore. I have a feeling that won't be the case. Your father and my father sounds like should get together and go bowling. Mine acted the same exact way. Gentle hugs for you ❤❤
I’m 49 and lost my dad when he was 58 and I was about 27. I was extremely lucky to have had a wonderful relationship with him and my mom as well. What I want to say is, life is short… if you are able to make amends with your father you should. You might regret not it later in life when he is no longer here. I wish both of my parents were here still, but unfortunately cancer took both of them 😢 I try to look at the bigger picture in hopes of not missing out which would lead to regret
@@lisaanderson135For people like myself and the OP here it’s really hard to grow up always having to suppress who you are because of an abusive parent. Mental and emotional abuse is just as if not at times worse than physical abuse. Sometimes no matter how old we get we still want their approval even knowing how toxic that thought is for us to have still. It will never come, and cutting that parent out of our lives may be the only healthy thing for us to do. Unless you have experienced it yourself it’s so hard to truly understand why many of us can’t so easily make amends and take the high road with that parent or parents. Even with life being as short as it can be for some. I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad when I was 29 from cancer and liver failure due to Hepatitis C and alcoholism. It was very traumatic and caused me severe PTSD from being his caretaker while he was dying. So you could say he caused me PTSD in life and in death, so when he finally did pass I felt a lot of relief. And then the nightmare just got worse for me as my psychological wounds began to manifest into chronic physical health issues. I wish people like yourself got to have your parents much much longer as they were amazing parents that loved you and you them.
@@Cbow3977 same
From my experience I don’t think you will ever not want that approval but I wish you the best of luck on alchemizing your pain into love. It does get a little better over time. Big love. :)
My mom was like this (she is still annoying but I can ignore it for the perks she has- beach house lol). Do u have kids? As soon as I had my own kid I never gave a crap again. The desire for her approval or care just kind of disappeared. And whaddaya know, now that I have no interest she seems to be chasing my approval, ha!
You don't pay for your sins in this realm, your children do.
Deadhead here ✌️💀💨
At 64, im now at that point in my life where im looking back and adding up the +'s and the -'s of my life. I feel for this guy. Addiction hit my family very hard also. Except for me. I just worked upwards of 80 hours per week, in essence, enabling it.
What a Long Strange Trip. 🎶💨
Am I only one angry for his son that never had a fair shot? If this isn’t a sobering video about what drugs and addiction can do to innocent ppl around you-jeez, I have zero patience for folks who pull innocent ppl into their drug addicted vortex-
That line
"Am I the only one...
Worn out line
@@scottgibbons2904You are seriously, seriously fucked.
While I think he has a long way to go in fully taking accountability (i.e. resentment towards his parents for not getting his son out of foster care), he does seem to hold a lot of guilt, shame, and anger for his part in his sons suffering, Personally, it just makes me more sad than anything. Anger directed at that poor boy's parents / abusive foster parents / the diseases and mental health disorders his family struggled with, won't bring anything beneficial to a devastating situation or prevent it from happening again. While anyone would agree it is selfish to bring children into lives of active addiction, showing addicts more anger to be piled on to their shame and guilt will only lead to alienation, more unhealthy coping behaviors, and a lack of willingness to ask for or accept help. People don't typically start using drugs because of their strong sense of self worth, or because they poses robust emotional regulation / coping skills. If anything, directing anger at them is selfish because it only serves to pass blame for an inability to process feelings of helplessness most people experience when witnessing trauma inflicted on innocent and vulnerable people, especially children. Again, I totally understand why it is such a common response, but maybe if we were all more understanding, even just with our thoughts and words, a lot of suffering could be alleviated.
Yeah.he told you what he did to his boy.......no patience? Then you have a huge ego and don't understand forgiveness and the fact he is living in hell!
I'm glad this is titled Deadhead because that is why I watched it. Being a deadhead myself, I will always watch any Grateful Dead-related videos. It shows you how much of a bond The Grateful Dead had with their fans, that with everything he's done in his life, Deadhead is what he considers himself to be. They were a massive part of the American experience from the '60s until now. But to consider all Deadheads to be heroin-crazed losers is way off. He was a Deadhead who got hooked on heroin and things went bad for him, not he was a heroin addict who then found The Dead. A more accurate title would have been "One Man's downward spiral after Falling off The Grateful Dead's Bus".
That’s ridiculous, I didn’t do dope until I got with deadheads in nyc. Lower east side… by 85 right through the end the music was very hit or miss especially with jerry smoking Persian like it was going out of style. The amount of sexual assault in the parking lots was epic, not to mention what big Steve and the rest of the boys were doing. Bob Phil and billy were animals as well, so the bus you referred to is a myth. And the sphere is I grift. Hey that rhymes . I listen to them almost everyday day, going on 35 years.
I'm sorry he stayed in dark. I am a head and I have been in the dark but I always return to light and love! On the bus brother😊
This poor soul. As others here have said, he cannot articulate his regrets as he has not yet HEALED. He’s known no other way. He is grief stricken with remorse over his son and raised his daughter, trying hard with no compass other than the example he was given. I wish him love and peace. 🙏🏽
Love your reply. Yes, he's still so traumatized by it all, he can't bare to truly feel the true imact of his son's life.
Sending out love to Lenny, and to his daughter - that she may be able to break the cycle of generational trauma.
Tough to hear a man who refused to raise his son, has actively not resolved his relationship with his daughter who he KNOWS is in an abusive relationship, say with a straight face "I'm a good person. I'm a loving person." He wonders why no one would look after him after he abandoned the exact, most vulnerable people who absolutely needed him the most. He doesn't fully seem to grasp how tragic and dark that is and when Mark said he traded his kids for a good time, he almost shrugs "I did." At least he "had some excitement?" wow. This is just a sad sad tale where his choices led to tragedies to almost everyone who knew him. What a legacy.
He started out life NOT wanting to work. Wanted drugs and fun. Worse, when Mark asked if he could do it all over again, would he do anything differently? He actually has no wish to do it. All he can think about is that he didn't want a life of working and providing for a family, sacrificing for THEM by doing some things you might not want to do. His gravestone will read, that he's selfish. Plain and simple. He has the audacity to end his talk about casting judgment upon voters and saying "they're unqualified to vote." Sir, while I appreciate you battled addiction, you are in NO place to judge anyone. I'm not sure there's anywhere that an interview entitled "deadhead" would go anywhere but where I just watched it go. I hate the abuse he suffered and it just wreaks havoc on one's life but we are still humans who can make choices.
Hello Soaptoaster...I'm the guy in the interview. I can see why you said all you did, you are right in many ways but the whole I was just lazy thing simply is not true I just did not want the life my father had I have worked as hard as anybody in my life I just have nothing to show for it. As far as my daughter her name is Angela. She was born in 2000 I have been on methadone or maybe a year or so and I have been on it ever since. My raised her for 18 years, I was a CDL driver and I worked at AutoZone for 10 years. I will still using a little bit . but by the time she was 10 years old I had stopped completely. She never knew anything about my addiction angel I told her when she was older. We were poor but we were stable I did the same thing to her my father did to me. I yelled and screamed and I put at all problems on a child's shoulders. That being said I realized what I was doing I have gone to lots of counseling and I thought if I filled the spaces in between with lots of love which I did everything would be okay. But it just doesn't work that way you can do everything right for months and then you blow up once and it ruins it I could go on and on and on and I realize I can come off as being indifferent I don't mean to be like that . One thing I tried to do was be completely honest in this. I'm sure people will crucify me for saying that LOL. I have no doubt the damage I did to my daughter and my son I will never have a chance with obviously I live with these things everyday. I think about my daughter every single day and I hope she decides to come back if and when she is ever ready maybe she is better off just staying away..... I don't really want to believe that. But that's just how I think I can be very matter-of-fact about things. I guess I'm trying to hide the real feelings of pain all I can say is I was a very sensitive child my father really crushed me.... I swear I would never be like him, and I turned out just like him I really hope people can gain some perspective here and that it helps in some way...... thank you for taking the time to at least look a little deeper
@@theequalizer3381 Hello my friend. I apologize if I came off harsh, it was a raw, visceral reaction to the re-telling of life events. Sometimes, I think all of us in the comments forget these these things will be read and absorbed by the person who bared their souls and lives for everyone to see. The way your father treated you is absolutely unspeakably evil and the rippled effects have spilled over into generations. It truly saddens me that these things happened to you and thanks to this channel, Mark is showing that the reality is these awful things go on more than we dare speak.
My hope and prayer for you is that only God can truly heal and I hope you are able to find faith in him. In my experience, Jesus is the one who saves if we seek him. God bless!
@@Soaptoaster Man. These comments. I started huffing at 13, shooting dope at 15. I’m from Northern Canada. I got my girlfriend pregnant when I was 15, she was 14, living in an orphanage for troubled girls, mostly native, as she was. I was too stupid and selfish to understand what was going on, I distinctly recall going to her little apartment, with the infant girl in a crib. She was in love with me, she probably cried at night, I was out being cool and chasing dope. At 18 I got news of her death while I was in jail. Later I was in jail with her two brothers. Poor Donna never had a chance. A few years ago I went up north and cleared the moss off her gravestone and placed some flowers there. I’m 70, the concrete stone was almost unintelligible from all the years…..If I could……These people don’t understand….Hang in there brother. Peace and love.
Yea once bitten twice shu with this guy.
@@IceHockeyJedi In fact I cleaned up 33 years ago. I’m 70 and I run marathons, I’ve learned Spanish these last 8 years, etc. I raised two great kids, one a doctor, one a nurse. Going to my granddaughter’s 7th birthday at 4:30 today with my loving wife of 32 years. (My ex, mother of my kids will be there, we’re all good friends, there’ll be lots of love.) I’ll be heading up to Northern BC to fly fish for steelhead and camp with my son next month. I was a good father to them. Not bragging, it’s the truth. The deal is…as I understand my addiction, to the extent that I understand myself that is….any good decisions that I’ve made are gifts from God. And, this I certainly do not understand, as do not believe in God. Or, I got lucky, I got a break. Thank God I was able to take advantage of that, most guys like me don’t. My past life is filled with death. All the guys I huffed gas with, drank wine in the park with and shot dope with are dead, except one. The Pogues have a song, worth a listen, “Rainy Night in Soho”…
“We watched our friends grow up together, we watched them fall.
Some fell into heaven, others fell into hell…”. But for the grace of God I’d be standing on the corner smoking fentanyl, bent over with my pants half way to my ankles. One bad decision away. Have a good day today, be grateful and let’s try to love people who are suffering.
Hey Lenny. Thanks for your honesty and insights. I’m 70, I started huffing gas and glue at 13, shooting speed and smack at 15. Strung out bad for way too long. I couldn’t make it on methadone, kicked off the program twice, jailed in 4 countries. Your story helped me out, thanks.
You’re not alone my friend, many died along the way, some got clean(hardly any) , and some of us survived. Love and blessings to you. Peace
Mark you are absolutely correct that drugs are not the issue. Hardly ever. Addiction alcoholism are all coping mechanisms in attempt to ease mental/physical/emotional pain. I think you are on point with, it starts with mental health care. Being accessible being normalized. It will take decades to undo what’s been done. Thank you for seeing this and shining light on it. You are far from ignorant-a diamond in the rough, yourself!
Never knowing what to expect is the reason I can hardly actually live anymore. The fear whilest being sober is literally debilitating
This was sad, like really sad
Lenny. 43 yrs of addiction for me. And here I am 58 yrs of age living life clean. In recovery. We have similar lives. We'll done brother. Godbless 🙏💚🕊
Wow! I really enjoyed watching this interview! Lenny is so soft spoken and reserved for someone who has anger and rage issues. Although he has dealt with alot of devastating things in his life,somethings that I myself wouldn't begin to know how to deal with,he remains upbeat and puts out positive vibes.He seems to a very sensitive and articulate individual that I could only hope to bump into for a random conversation in passing.God bless you,Sir.
People... Please be kind. It could easily happen to you.
Life is full of uncertainty, but, from adversity comes strength. -Bull Shannon.
Came here to say this. People have a lot of judgment for a world they didn't experience.
Thank you Mark.
His story really has nothing to do with being a deadhead....
Doesn't matter though.
Why title it “Deadhead” when Grateful Dead has absolutely nothing to do with this video
As a Deadhead here, I thought the same thing. He seemed to be there to deal drugs and make money, not one thing about the music.
Makes me think they have a say in how they want to be "labelled" by the channel. While back a guy called Robert was interviewed and he is labelled as "The Devil's A**hole", pretty sure that was his decision.
@@FloridaDave_Weir everywhere!
@@nathangray4601 Hey Now!🌹⚡💀☮️
Came here because I thought it was about the Dead. It's NOT 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
Thank you! From a loving Phishhead that has followed bands since the late 80's. Love to all. Love to everyone. Please be kind, as everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
OMG IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT MY EX SO OVER AGAIN UGH. 8 months of him was all that I could stand
50 shows pre-Jerry. A drop in the bucket compared to others. I still miss the scene
I was lucky to see Jerry 187 times count my blessings everyday I got to see him
@@misterpalmer420I only saw him 4 times. Consider myself very blessed.
Wrong.....150 shows 85-91.....lived in bay area.....
There is NOTHING like a Grateful Dead concert, never was, never will be.
As Bill Graham stated, ¨ They´re not the best at what they do, they´re the only ones who do what they do.....Longtime Deadhead here, 1st of 260 plus shows w/Jerry, I got bit by the bug in 1974 & was infected for life..... In the long run, we´re ALL Dead.
any band is great if youre wacked on drugs.
@@Unfluencer NOT true at all, yes it might add to the experience, but apparently you don't understand the nuances and complexity of what defines truly GRATE musicians, & musicianship.
It's a great shame that his feelings from childhood help lead him down a destructive path of lifelong addiction but he's unable to take responsibility for his actions that have caused people to walk away from him.... It's another tragic situation...
Man this is sad.... A father son relationship is so important.... men out there if you make a child please do your best to be there for them, protect them and provide for them, same for mothers/women too.
Lenny, tx for an interesting interview. I’m from PA and have friends that saw the dead over 50 plus times.. sorry to say I missed my opportunity to see them in concert…
I can relate so much to this. I grew up with a very very angry father. I was scared of him and constantly walking on egg shells. I later found out about his mentall illness. But it was a very difficult childhood. He didnt teach me
Much about life either. He was always simmering hairpin trigger explosive rage. It was something that can never be adequately articulated into words. I understand ao much to a deep level, and Im sorry you went through it
Well said. It is interesting to see how many people can relate to his childhood experiences, even drug problem. One would think next generation learns by mistakes of previous generation, although that's often not the case.
And I'm so sorry YOU also had to experience that.
It sounds like generational trauma, and that cycle is hard to break.
It seems like you've been able to "rise above your raising," and I so commend you for that.
I can only imagine that life for your father was tortuous in his own way. Hurt people hurt people.
Wishing you and Lenny - and all others in similar situations - great things ahead.
Sending you peace and love.
Hey it's lenny! Thank you for taking a deeper look....... most people are judgemental right off the bat..... it sucks being afraid of your dad.... you don't even need physical violence just the constant berating demeaning and degrading will destroy somebody without ever laying a hand on them...... I hope you find some peace also as I get older things get incrementally better in some ways
@@theequalizer3381 Your dad's life must have been pretty horrible for him to pass that on. It's hard to break cycles.
I've found Buddhist philosophy to be incredibly helpful.
With reincarnation, we choose to come down to experience certain things with certain people - in an effort to teach us empathy and love.
When we die, i believe we enter into total love and forgiveness - regroup - and come down again for another round. Looking at a bigger picture really helps me deal what seems as unfair circumstances, pain, and suffering.
I wish you could have had the love and support all children deserve.
Which ever way works for you, Lenny,
wishing you peace in your soul, and love in your life.
@@ShellBAtomsthank you so much! Kind words from an empathetic human are the best medicine
Strangers are more often kinder than friends and family.
Probably because they don't know you as well as family does lol
These interviews make us better people
* if we listen.
He is a better person himself for sharing his story
Peace to him
Lenny, I am a female version of you. So many regrets in my life. Now it seems like it is too late. I was born in '64. Our stories mirror each other. Life goes on...Lisa Las Vegas ❤
It's not too late. I think "The Wheel" is about the karmic wheel in Buddhism. Seize any opportunity you have to make someone smile, or give them a good moment. Start small. Ask/pray for help and support from anyone on the "other side." Take time to embrace and celebrate the unique and divine being that you are. Sending you love. ❤
I unfortunately know many parents who lost one their children. The parents are a shell that somehow must reunite. This story is rough, VERY rough. I am from New Jersey at this time. God bless this man on every level.
Lenny lacks the strength to truly accept what Robert's life was like. Peace to Robert.
Wishing Lenny strength and peace - and to his daughter also - so that she may be able to break this cycle of generational trauma.
A person can destroy their own life more than the devil could. It’s a pity that children suffer; in this case, tragically..
One of the best videos yet the soft white underbelly just lets people talk
This is literally like listening to my husband. We go many places in conversation, just gotta be patient and let them get to where they’re taking you ❤
This is as heart-breaking as anything I've seen on this platform
Selfish all his life and his biggest fear is a selfish one.
This guy's got a big victim mentality and probably has gotten him to where he is. No drive, no accountability, just complaining about everyone around him.
oh look ANOTHER braindead hyper-individualist in the comments! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!
100000000000000000 percent. hes so worried about who will take care of him, what about his kids. They should had been his excitement!!!! He is an excuse maker, woe is me
@@jackiewilliamson3982 he literally said his biggest regret is the way he acted towards his children, but you spew your hyper-individualist nonsense non the less
@@Prebaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im entitled to my opinion. just kike i said , I wnded up with someo e exactly like hime and its about them, nobody else. say what you want, youre entitled to your opinion and so am i
@Prebaaaaaaaaaaaaaa yeah so did my ex and then into the 8 months told me he had to go to where his son was that he was hit by a car and left in the road only to find out it never happened so yeah, they can say a whole lot of things. this guy was more concerned with who to blame, the women he had or wanted , and who was gonna take care of him. I swear ita a clone of my ex. uggghhhh
I just know this guy has stories for days
bro your profile pic and description are cringe as hell
Riveting. Not
@@Prebaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 🤣
Hello it's lenny! I got stories for months and months LOL that was a big part of why I wanted to do this interview. It's amazing how quickly the time goes by and I wasn't even able to say 5% of my real story. I realize I did, off looking kind of indifferent and that is one thing I wish I could change because I am certainly not indifferent to my son's suffering and I miss my daughter every day sometimes I feel like that's all I have is my stories I have so much more I would like to say
@@Prebaaaaaaaaaaaaaawell I am no Brad Pitt.... the black and white photo is cringe sometimes I still can't believe I ever got laid..... LOL I actually clean up okay...
I can relate to so many aspects of his story. I wish him hope and peace.
After all he just spilled about mistreating and not being there for his children, I was not expecting him to say he is a good and loving person. I would not agree, personally..
Being scared of being left all alone, when that is exactly what he did to his children. Wow.
So at the end of the interview he says he has no regrets and had fun. There you go.
*Like myself & Lenny, many of us who followed The Dead suffered from addiction. We felt lost & longed for a place to belong. I have so many wonderful memories of traveling & feeling alive from the music, BUT I also wasted so many precious years where I should have been furthering my education. If only we could turn back the hands of time, I truly would have done so many things differently*
@Ali -Renee, I too had the time of my life back in the day, I was born at the right time:). I found my home! Shangra la on earth! Sooner or later my addictions took over, & I couldn't get to shows, I wasn't functioning. I did get clean finally. I'd like to reminisce w/the close ppl I traveled w/but, most of them didn't make it to 50 due to drugs.
It can be a risky scene for those w/ addictive tendencies. Hate to say this, but we might still hv Jerry if that wasn't the case. R.i.p.
⚡️🌹⚡️☮️♾️! -kimS
@@ksoliel9347 Wishing both of you tons of peace and love moving forward!
Keep the good feelings and memories, and be grateful for the opportunities to still experience life and love in this realm. We here to learn and love. Wishing great things ahead for you both and Lenny - and others in similar circumstances. Never forget you are all unique and divine beings. Sending love.
@@ShellBAtoms This means alot, thx.🌹! "It's all a dream we dreamed, one afternoon, long ago"🎵. Does this mean '87, '94, 2010? Today will be that day, in the future, & today I'm grateful for what I'm blessed with. To those who truly witnessed the miracle the GD experience:...The sum became > than its parts. That defies physics. That delves into the spiritual realm. One does not need mind altering drugs to find or witness this realm.
Confused? Just dance & listen to the music play! Perhaps we hv danced together! ☮️💙⚡️🌹⚡️⚓️♾️!
KimS. Thx again!
@@ksoliel9347 🎵🌟❤🌎♥🌟 🎶
This poor man had his brain messed with by abuse, trauma, and medication. The brain doesn’t even fully form until we are like 20 as science now knows. His poor 8 year old brain was damaged a lot far before it got to ever fully develop.
This guy is blaming all his downfalls on his fathers anger. You have two choices in this life, use it as an excuse or use it as motivation.
Really? I saw a broken man who blames himself above all. He owns his addiction and admits his choices have left trail of destruction, including his own son’s life. You can’t “blame” a problem on someone else when you already own it.
Truth
Heartbreaking. Hope you find peace lenny. All the love my dude x
Adversity builds character. I applaud this man for his deep self
Awareness and accountability. The hardest thing for anyone to do but is the foundation for healing. Wishing him all the best ❤
I agree. He’s one of the very few who I’ve seen in this channel actually OWN how his behavior has been passed into his children.
@@5thdimension954 OWN? He's still doing the same shit lol. It just sounded good for the camera
Did you finish the vid? Adversity didn't work out for his son.
@@zachrathbun6693 my point is he’s one of the very few who has recognized how screwed up he is and how he’s responding for ruining his children’s lives. Most come on here and don’t even know where their children are and they minimize how they’ve screwed over their families
@5thdimension954 he hasn't recognized anything about himself. He blamed everyone else the entire video and continues the same cycle to this day that got him there. If he recognized or owned anything he would change. That's the sad truth
I felt bad for him until i heard about his son!! Poor Robert 😢 That boy didnt deserve the horrors he went through then his father adds insult to injury. He never stood a chance and my heart hurts for that boy. The system is a cruel, heinous place for a baby/child!! I cant imagine the abuse.
Generational trauma is a cycle that's so hard to break.
I hope his daughter is able to do break this cycle in their family.
It's hard to do.
Sending out love to Robert...and to Lenny...and his daughter.
This guy pretends to be a victim... but has been a leach and a bum his whole life that blames others for things he should have been.
yea, he doesnt realize he was a worse dad than the one he complains about.
At least his dad provided for the family and worked for a living... even bought his own beer... this guy lives off everyone else but blames everyone but himself.
You fools are quick to judge but forget that he is human and not perfect. Let's take the spotlight off of him and see all of your mistakes...wow there are tons as well...who would have known?
Correct. This is a very common baby boomer attitude.
If you read the comments, it's not that we don't make mistakes, BUT we're adult enough to admit them and not blame others.
This is a good video about lessons not learned
Thanks for sharing your story!! You really are a sweet man, i wish you all the best.
This guy is a real piece of work
I'm happy to hear from him that addictions wreck lives. Seems like too many people make it seem as if drugs won't harm anything.
Very sad. I appreciate his honesty. I wish him the best. It is difficult for me to understand people who believe mental illness and addiction is a choice. So many unempathtic, judgemental, ignorant people in this world.
Sad to see a 60 year old man blame his daddy for over four decades of his *own* horrible destructive choices and Mark agree. Huge part of the problem. Why is his sister not a life long screw up like him when she lived in the same household?
Average male UA-cam comment assuming everything. You couldn't even begin to understand how childhood trauma lasts until your deathbed. Consider yourself blessed.
That is a woman.
@@SocksPropaganda lol. There you go assuming that I’m a male and that my father didn’t yell at me or abuse me. Pot meet kettle
His pain and regrets are so real and deep. Hopefully his story is seen by his family and can forgive and understand his actions.
man i cant watch anymore. this poor guy bless his heart.
I thought this was going to be about being a deadhead. Thank you, Mark.
Lenny have you ever thought to be in a caregiver position? Helping others may give you some inner strength and self love. You can't change the past but you can change the future.. Peace and love
"We were never buddies, we never had a beer together, we were never friends." I have that relationship with my dad and I always thought I was lacking. Maybe that's the millennial in me. My father is a great man, wasn't always the best dad. To me my father is a man I can hang out with and have a beer with and it doesn't get deeper than that. I'm lucky in a sense.
This msg is for this man who is telling the world his story…I understand you feel shame, blame and feel it’s all your fault. Listen, the important thing now is you make the best with your life now! Make the right choices NOW, and most importantly remember this, if you can ask for forgiveness to the man upstairs, mean it from your heart and get to know him, I promise you one day you will have a chance to see your life in a whole new wonderful way! Now, something you have to do in order to have this wonderful life, you have to forgive yourself! You must, except that we are all sinners and we all make mistakes…you have to forgive yourself and make a better life from here on. Good luck to you sir, I will pray for you…it’s going to be ok.
Amazing Interview Mark💙🙏
Lenny if you're reading this... I was moved by your story and will be a better man moving forward. Take care...
I pray for Gods mercy on this man. God has more grace than we could ever have sin. My heart breaks for his daughter Angela. She will probably stay in an abusive relationship......she feels unworthy of someones true unconditional love. R.I.P. Robert.
I raised Angela for 18yrs ......I would defend her to my death...I called out(offered to fight) her boyfriend after he shoved her.....she got mad at me.....smh.....she chose him.... they are also fairly wealthy so there's that.....I'm broke...lol... I really came off harsh in this video I actually am extremely empathetic add sensitive. That is part of my problem. But I also look at everything very matter exactly and it comes off as rude. Thank you for taking the time to look a little deeper
What does this have to do with being a deadhead?
I think you should try to get a Pic of these people from when they were younger, for comparison.
Deadhead here with 100 shows all over the country, from 1986 to Jerry’s death in 1995. Describing the scene, The Dead said it best:
“Some come to laugh their past away.
Some come to make it just one more day.
Whichever way your pleasure tends,
If you plant ice, you’re gonna harvest wind”
Every Deadhead has, at times, gone to Dead shows just to party and do drugs - “laugh their past away”. But way more often than not, we’ve gone to listen to the advice sung from a stage, and look for guidance on living a righteous life. Some of you might get that it’s like going to church, to seek understanding - “to make it just one more day”.
Ultimately what you take away from the shows, how you choose to live your life is up to you - “ whichever way your pleasure tends”. If you party too much, let drugs consume you, are irresponsible or reckless or careless with other people, your karma will come back, you will reap what you have sown - “ if you plant ice, you’re gonna harvest wind”.
To the people putting this guy down I would say, The Dead sang many cautionary songs ~be careful, don’t do this, don’t live your life like that, etc.~ and this man Lenny is simply a cautionary tale. If you pay attention, you can learn as much or more from someone who’s a bad example as someone who’s good - “Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right “ and that’s PRECISELY why I love watching these SWU videos, there’s so much to learn. Thanks, Mark!
Well said.
I can relate to this man to some degree. I don't place blame on anyone other than myself tho. All the pain I've caused the ones I love isn't because of anything other than my fucked up decisions. I'm going to visit my 94yo mother at my little sisters soon. I will be flying part way then riding 20 hrs with my brother. I'm worried I won't have the opportunity to stay well. I won't have a car to disappear or anywhere I can smoke and leave burnt popcorn aroma.
From someone who was abused themself as well as a drug dependance it's hard not to hate this man for what he did to his children
This man is the polar opposite of the previous dead heads on this show. Decent self analysis. Doesn’t glorify his life to the extent of extreme cognitive dissonance. Capable of diagnosing trauma and abuse. At least he admits his failures much unlike these other guys who pretend they are gods gift to humanity. Beware of anyone who says they have no regrets. No regrets is a recipe for psychopathy and endless cycles of abuse.
Most fathers won't ever try to walk in their children's shoes and most Children won't walk in their father's shoes.
after rampaging through life expecting that at the end of that life the fondest wish would be granted is beyond my comprehension
Thanks for your story Lenny.
I was the same, hyper active. I was given Benadryl instead. I was a loner and still am. I was given away by my biological mother a few times before age 2, handed to my biological father by the state who worse. I survived, I'm 63 now.