I hate to be a negative person but I am having trouble with the fact they’re talking about the “early days” of the outbreak like it’s been weeks and it’s basically only been about two days or less. Then Jake talking about his traumatic school scene where they were all terrified and getting attacked. But there was no way there was school. They were in the middle of a three day festival and rodeo. Most of these festivals are in summer, on weekends or holidays and there’s no school. It was kind of just thrown in and shouldn’t have been in the storyline. Sorry, I’m just very observant about this kind of thing. I don’t try but it always jumps out at me when there’s discrepancies. 🤷🏻♀️
Agreed. And another thing... There is NO F#@KING WAY most of those people wouldn't have been Armed. At worse, they would have had weapons in their vehicles. Country and Rural folks are SELF SUFFICIENT, so they prefer to have the means to take care of themselves on-hand. Shotguns, Handguns, Rifles would be present in the majority of households.
Agreed. And another thing... There is NO WAY most of those people wouldn't have been Armed. At worse, they would have had weapons in their vehicles. Country and Rural folks are SELF SUFFICIENT, so they prefer to have the means to take care of themselves on-hand. Shotguns, Handguns, Rifles would be present in the majority of households.
You don't have to over describe every ray of light. We know how shadows work. And what things smell like. Not every feeling has to wash over, be shaken off or travel up/down your spine. And stop glancing.
There are a couple of points in this story that annoy me. -How are supplies low? Its barely been a few days since the outbreak? -You are not convincing me that none of these people had a single gun. -Dave "Fixes" a problem. Literally all the time the next paragraph starts with that exact thing being on the verge of breaking and needs addressing. Example: "The losses that they faced would forge an unbreakable bond between them" next paragraph goes about how low morale is due to their crushing losses... this is just one example, but it happens a lot. If you take the repetition out of the problems the story would be a lot shorter. -Bashing in skulls with a medic bag? Which is later labelled to contain precious supplies for survival....... -"Carrying everything that can give them an advantage for the coming fight, like broken chairs" ...sorry what? i can get we are not at the point of scrap weapons, but surely there are better things to use then a broken chair? They even mentioned a hardware store? I would take an axe any day over a broken chair. -The constant leadership issues, its either a loving community holding hands and skipping off into the sunset or someone is bringing up the same issue the previous three people did too... they also instantly back off as soon as Dave replies. -The constant speeches on how they suffered losses and they are stronger together and there would surely be more challenges ahead but they would face them together... cool, i get it, i got it after the fifth time you said it, you can stop repeating yourself. The story is a bit tough to get through because there is no development from the characters, they continuously face the same problems that they created themselves and they lack common sense. For the rest Dave seems to be the only one with a fragment of personality. Now, before someone (fairly) points at my rant stating that i am only negative, i think the community angle can work and be interesting as it faces different challenges than individual survivors. I do feel like this story needs some attention in certain categories and needs some polishing, but it can definitely work.
This is a good story, but there is a problem with multiple plot holes. We are not told that days are passing. By the fifth chapter, the zombie outbreak is only a couple of hours old---there is no reason for supplies to be low, especially not if the group is holed up in a diner. the story needs to make note that days are passing, and how many. Plus, in a insular Texas town, I would expect firearms to be way more available, yet none of the characters are armed, and there don't seem to be any firearms in evidence. Plus I can't really see a diner as more than a very short term shelter. Most diners have large entrances and multiple windows, all of which would be a weakness. I would think they would aim at the police station or a fire house. Another thing----while one can assume that the horses either were killed or escaped, what happened to the cars and trucks? Why not get to vehicles and get out of the town? Plus, except for one tiny section of the story, no one is discussing what has happened. Yes, at first people would be far too shocked. But as days passed, everyone would be discussing what they had seen, asking questions that had no answers, voicing concerns about missing loved ones. But no one is talking about the sheer madness of the situation. People would literally be doubting their senses and would be talking to each other to make sure they weren't crazy. Another thing----the group in the diner seems to keep growing. At first there is only a small number, say five or six, but later, there are more characters appearing, with no explanation as to where they came from. Like the story mentions a woman and a toddler. Well, where did she come from? She wasn't mentioned as being with the original group. The story also mentions "elders and children". Where did they come from? You can assume that they let people into the diner, or went out to save more people and brought them back to the diner, but there is no actual mention of them doing this. When you go from a small group to a large one, you need to explain it. And seriously, can the hero stop chanting "We are Crowley!" like a dammed cheer leader? Most small towns are pretty shitty and the people do not take care of each other. Some of the scenes discussed are disjointed. Like young Jake thinking about being afraid in school. But the outbreak occurred during a holiday, where there was no school. Plus, I caught one referral to the "early days" of the outbreak. That makes it sound like the zombie plague has been going on for weeks or longer. Again, a problem with the lime line. In the middle of the story, the outbreak is only, at most, two days old. It is possible that this story is either wholly or partly IA generated. IA generated stories often have plot holes involving linear story telling, expression of emotion between characters, and repeated phrases or scenes that don't fit into the time line narrative.
@@michelelyons9410 thank you for the feedback I appreciate it, I’m trying to become better at the time line, my newer storys are a bit better, but adding low on supply’s and writing supply runs is the only way to keep the books interesting, I tried to write about a guy who had food for months and just say in his house, that didn’t translate well on paper, like it does In the movies
The main characters in all of your stories have a weight of responsibility but don't act. They wait for things to get worse. Then they make dumb decisions. Can you please write a story with main characters with common sense.
25:00 The M.C. keeps repeating how will protect this down and how the people of his town are so great. It is so annoying and I take it he will fail and everyone is stupid 🙄
Your skills suggest better options than moderating stories that some mentally not so bright teenagers dumped on #Reddit TWO DECADES AGO. My mistake, have it your way.
The time frame in this story is not making sense. The time frame and the knowledge are not lining up. The oddity of this was not enough to make me stop listening, but it did break the feel of the story.
I'm enjoyin the pictures you're painting for me, with your words. tbr.
Wonderful!
Texans without guns? Not even a pistol? I find that hard to believe more than zombies! Good story telling though.
I hate to be a negative person but I am having trouble with the fact they’re talking about the “early days” of the outbreak like it’s been weeks and it’s basically only been about two days or less.
Then Jake talking about his traumatic school scene where they were all terrified and getting attacked. But there was no way there was school. They were in the middle of a three day festival and rodeo. Most of these festivals are in summer, on weekends or holidays and there’s no school. It was kind of just thrown in and shouldn’t have been in the storyline. Sorry, I’m just very observant about this kind of thing. I don’t try but it always jumps out at me when there’s discrepancies. 🤷🏻♀️
I’m working on writing a good way to time jump in the story without it being confusing. Thank you for the feedback
Agreed. And another thing...
There is NO F#@KING WAY most of those people wouldn't have been Armed. At worse, they would have had weapons in their vehicles. Country and Rural folks are SELF SUFFICIENT, so they prefer to have the means to take care of themselves on-hand. Shotguns, Handguns, Rifles would be present in the majority of households.
Agreed. And another thing...
There is NO WAY most of those people wouldn't have been Armed. At worse, they would have had weapons in their vehicles. Country and Rural folks are SELF SUFFICIENT, so they prefer to have the means to take care of themselves on-hand. Shotguns, Handguns, Rifles would be present in the majority of households.
You don't have to over describe every ray of light. We know how shadows work. And what things smell like. Not every feeling has to wash over, be shaken off or travel up/down your spine. And stop glancing.
@@brettvonhenneberg-romhild3535 Thanks for the feedback, I’ll tone it down a bit
Contrary to how it may come off, I really admire your style and tone.
@ Thank you
You're a true talent.
@@storystream10009
Your style is just fine. Light, shadow, and smell are all part of setting the scene.
Gear and guns
There are a couple of points in this story that annoy me.
-How are supplies low? Its barely been a few days since the outbreak?
-You are not convincing me that none of these people had a single gun.
-Dave "Fixes" a problem. Literally all the time the next paragraph starts with that exact thing being on the verge of breaking and needs addressing. Example: "The losses that they faced would forge an unbreakable bond between them" next paragraph goes about how low morale is due to their crushing losses... this is just one example, but it happens a lot. If you take the repetition out of the problems the story would be a lot shorter.
-Bashing in skulls with a medic bag? Which is later labelled to contain precious supplies for survival.......
-"Carrying everything that can give them an advantage for the coming fight, like broken chairs" ...sorry what? i can get we are not at the point of scrap weapons, but surely there are better things to use then a broken chair? They even mentioned a hardware store? I would take an axe any day over a broken chair.
-The constant leadership issues, its either a loving community holding hands and skipping off into the sunset or someone is bringing up the same issue the previous three people did too... they also instantly back off as soon as Dave replies.
-The constant speeches on how they suffered losses and they are stronger together and there would surely be more challenges ahead but they would face them together... cool, i get it, i got it after the fifth time you said it, you can stop repeating yourself.
The story is a bit tough to get through because there is no development from the characters, they continuously face the same problems that they created themselves and they lack common sense. For the rest Dave seems to be the only one with a fragment of personality.
Now, before someone (fairly) points at my rant stating that i am only negative, i think the community angle can work and be interesting as it faces different challenges than individual survivors. I do feel like this story needs some attention in certain categories and needs some polishing, but it can definitely work.
This is a good story, but there is a problem with multiple plot holes. We are not told that days are passing. By the fifth chapter, the zombie outbreak is only a couple of hours old---there is no reason for supplies to be low, especially not if the group is holed up in a diner. the story needs to make note that days are passing, and how many. Plus, in a insular Texas town, I would expect firearms to be way more available, yet none of the characters are armed, and there don't seem to be any firearms in evidence. Plus I can't really see a diner as more than a very short term shelter. Most diners have large entrances and multiple windows, all of which would be a weakness. I would think they would aim at the police station or a fire house. Another thing----while one can assume that the horses either were killed or escaped, what happened to the cars and trucks? Why not get to vehicles and get out of the town? Plus, except for one tiny section of the story, no one is discussing what has happened. Yes, at first people would be far too shocked. But as days passed, everyone would be discussing what they had seen, asking questions that had no answers, voicing concerns about missing loved ones. But no one is talking about the sheer madness of the situation. People would literally be doubting their senses and would be talking to each other to make sure they weren't crazy.
Another thing----the group in the diner seems to keep growing. At first there is only a small number, say five or six, but later, there are more characters appearing, with no explanation as to where they came from. Like the story mentions a woman and a toddler. Well, where did she come from? She wasn't mentioned as being with the original group. The story also mentions "elders and children". Where did they come from? You can assume that they let people into the diner, or went out to save more people and brought them back to the diner, but there is no actual mention of them doing this. When you go from a small group to a large one, you need to explain it.
And seriously, can the hero stop chanting "We are Crowley!" like a dammed cheer leader? Most small towns are pretty shitty and the people do not take care of each other.
Some of the scenes discussed are disjointed. Like young Jake thinking about being afraid in school. But the outbreak occurred during a holiday, where there was no school. Plus, I caught one referral to the "early days" of the outbreak. That makes it sound like the zombie plague has been going on for weeks or longer. Again, a problem with the lime line. In the middle of the story, the outbreak is only, at most, two days old.
It is possible that this story is either wholly or partly IA generated. IA generated stories often have plot holes involving linear story telling, expression of emotion between characters, and repeated phrases or scenes that don't fit into the time line narrative.
@@michelelyons9410 thank you for the feedback I appreciate it, I’m trying to become better at the time line, my newer storys are a bit better, but adding low on supply’s and writing supply runs is the only way to keep the books interesting, I tried to write about a guy who had food for months and just say in his house, that didn’t translate well on paper, like it does In the movies
@@storystream10009
You’re doing great.
DO SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA NEXT PLEASE!!!
@@oldmanfrank578 I will start writing that story this weekend for a Friday release. If you wana give your name I’ll make you the MC
@@storystream10009 ADAM FRANK FROM COFFEE PARK.
@@storystream10009
That’s so cool 😁👍🏼
The main characters in all of your stories have a weight of responsibility but don't act. They wait for things to get worse. Then they make dumb decisions. Can you please write a story with main characters with common sense.
25:00 The M.C. keeps repeating how will protect this down and how the people of his town are so great. It is so annoying and I take it he will fail and everyone is stupid 🙄
Are we talking about the same Crowley Texas that I live about 20 mins away because it sure doesn't sound like it
🥦💨🎧🍿😎😁👏🏾👏🏾
Why would medical training kick in when discussing back alleys and sneaking?
Your skills suggest better options than moderating stories that some mentally not so bright teenagers dumped on #Reddit TWO DECADES AGO. My mistake, have it your way.
The time frame in this story is not making sense. The time frame and the knowledge are not lining up. The oddity of this was not enough to make me stop listening, but it did break the feel of the story.