the best thing you can do once you realize you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is to accept them the way they are and to leave before they do more damage. Because it’s inevitable that they’ll do more damage if you give them more chances. It’s just not worth all the heartache.
Damn right! They will do more damage after giving you a good part of the SWEET AND MEAN cycle just to throw the hammer behind YET INTO your neck as you're taking a break and crush you as much as possible
i did it uncounsciously in 1995 for a girl I loved, getting to a cafe' and hearing her. She explained who she were in 1 hour monologue for trivia showing me no interest. She showed herself as a nacissit , and I had no more dates wih her. It was painful, but it would be much more painful if I would marry her and be her martyr for the rest o my life. I did not. My life was no a success, but not a failure either.
It's easy to become obsessed with cornering your abuser into 'accountability'. - something they won't accept . I had the whole thing turned back onto me complete with the old name calling , insults and self satisfied smiling and display of wretched evilness to shut me down . This worked for them but freed me to make the easy decision to completely cut them from my life .
I AGREE! That is why they say just walk away! It took me FOREVER to learn that any thing I say to "hurt their feelings" was going to be met with gaslighting and HORRIBLE manipulative hurtful statements made to ME! THEN you may even find they have TAPED YOU and they then use that against you!
@@janettemartin4604 Yes! It's pretty obvious I've suffered this "being taped" part in the transparent smear campaign. You can just recognize it in the tone of voice changing that it's SHOWTIME for an undisclosed third party (on the phone) for you to be CRUSHED in front of (by accident, of course. But this is no joke.. it's nearly deadly
Wow yes of course. Lightbulb moment! I’ve gone no contact and told some extended family members truths about my family members. The narcs (mother and older sister) are furious with me but I DONT CARE ANYMORE.
Dr. Reid, please do a video on how to get through to friends who only knew the charming persona of a narcissistic abusive parent, and can't fathom the need that survivors have as adults to be believed about what was happening behind closed doors when they were growing up. We don't want to walk away from these long-time friends but it creates a rift when they don't believe our stories that contradict their own experience of the person they think they 'know'. It makes it even trickier when the abusive parent has passed away, a friend's reluctance to 'talk badly' of the dead...
The perpetrator(s) can never accept any responsibility for their acts because the act of scapegoating/bullying is their way of denying/surviving their own toxic shame and trauma. It’s an issue of survival for them. Acknowledging to themselves that they’re doing this would mean cognitive annihilation. When I’ve observed the lengths to which a narcissist or family will go to in order to PROJECT their own self-contempt, shame and self-loathing onto a scapegoat/victim (denying the victim any dignity, personal worth or sense of truth, whatsoever) I can’t find anything else that explains this. A victim of scapegoating could win the Nobel Prize in Literature and the narcissist/dysfunctional family would explain this away with a “there must have been NO worthy candidates this year” OR “she must have paid off a judge”. My conclusion is that you can at least know that the perpetrator (or toxic family) MUST do this as a prime directive for their survival. It’s horrendous but there it is.
Very well put. It used to astonish me to what lengths they would go to continue keeping me in the scapegoat role. Thank God I gave up on all of them (mother, brother and sister) 3 years ago. My mental health and self-esteem has improved dramatically. Such a relief to stop asking for acknowledgment or recognition or apologies. I find love, acceptance and compassion with good friends.
@@moirabij734 this gives me so much hope because right now I’m still grieving their loss but the truth is I never had them to begin with. I was just a convenient punching bag and the toxic family has no desire to get well.
@@dnk4559 , healing is definitely possible for us if not the family of origin. Now I need to get away from a Narcissistic landlord. Also accept my ex-husband will never change.
Thank you Jay Reid ! When I listen to you, not only do I learn things that help me, but I feel your compassion and it seems like you truly understand the pain, and the journey to healthy living.
I can relate very much to the three wrongness, you mention from my mother who has now passed on some 2/3 years? I had tried to please her all my life, any morsel, she told me many times I reminded her of my father, even down to the colour of my hair! She wanted no truths spoken, so I was cut off, along with my brother, the youngest got all inheritance, we wanted nothing from it, anyhows, I believe it made me a much stronger person, when it ends, it ends, thank god, I try not to look to past and keep my mind away from chilhood/ teenage years.Yes, let it go without justice, do not let hurt into your heart ♥
There are thousands on videos on youtube on gaslighting, blameshifting , projection, word salad, pausing when they are going to loose arguments etc. Narcisists has a personality disorder that refuses to take accountability. My dad was the main narc abuser in my childhood for 18 years he was abusive and scapegoating of me. But i see how sick he is and I got sober from alcohol which is how i self-medicated my cptsd from that abuse. He was happy projecting at me all the time, but he couldnt cover the fact that my mom got a divorced from him and all of his children actually see him for the monster he is for the most part. He cant change the fact that 3 years into (almost my healing from childhood trauma by narc abuse), I am my authentic self, with healthy boundaries, have healthy support, is embarked in my own healing process, and see him for the person he is a toddler that now needs my validation, that can't self generate, and that struggles with accountability, that has to live in his own parents house, that has to have this phoney fake image to the exterior world which he cant sustain in his closest relationships which is why he needed to be abusive. That being said, like i said im 3 years in, and going to him for him to take accountability would be difficult, he's still actively narcking out , in the world, hasn't taken much responsibility for anything, and for his relationship failings or his life being the way it is in some aspects. I really dont need his approval to continue my healing journey to show up as my authentic self, to understand that it was mostly about him, to have self respect and self worth, and heal from the messages he tried to project at me that where mostly about him. Thats a given. They have a personality disorder who's inbuilt to blameshift, gaslight, twist words etc, they are in survival mode themselves and untill they hit rock bottom, they prolly wont be able to take much accountability. Thats the final thing, having friendships, and support of people who can be responsibile for themselves and are emotionally available themselves to connect in healthy and real, nice ways!
@@dancinginthepurplereign4126 cool :) theres a lot of support out there for those wanting to heal their childhood trauma. from support groups. to speakers on youtube, a support network of safe people , that are available, therapy, and it all to continue walking the healing and empowering journey of becoming our most authentic self, that connects with safe enough others and knows his worth and value, and can assert it and remind people of it if necessary :)!
Confronting a narc prolongs the process and incurs more damage. Cut your losses, get away, go no contact, live your best life w kindred spirits. Being happy enrages the narc.
Yes.I relate to all the points you bring up. I did/do deserve much better and I am stuck in the pattern of trying to convince the narcissist to take ownership and exhibit some remorse.it is never going to happen....it is one of those situations victims will find familiar.I am his only victim.....he is the" good guy" to everyone else.....He makes sure people see him as the victim and even when I have defended myself with a story of what I was subjected to, he denies it...they believe him.....you touch on exactly how I am feeling ....
Phwargh - I'm catching up on watching your videos as I'm really struggling in life atm and each video so far has nailed an aspect of what's upsetting me, but this topic... it's exactly my deepest pain. To a large degree I feel compassion and understanding for the narcs but the deepest hurt and anger I struggle with is that so many people helped them get away with their cruelty! "If only" someone had gotten in their faces and said, "HEY YOU, BACK OFF!!!" and, "This is illegal and unlawful and must be stopped RIGHT NOW!" I'm still astonished that the persons and systems set up and designed to protect us were so brazenly ignored and me and my loved ones were just pawns in a collective of obedient slaves to the will of the narcs, and some are narcs themselves, and we're left to survive life with the consequences. Self pity is easy to fall into when one is again reminded of how life - rather people - is unfair. But listening to you speak about this topic is providential and perfect timing for me; you have given me some rungs on the ladder out of The Deep - thank you SO much. I wish I could hug you!
Ooohhh....I LOVE that-rungs on the ladder out of the deep! I can so use that to help me, because it is a perfect idea of what "the process" is. First, one must see that they are in "the deep", as you stated it. (I had used "hole" when describing how I felt/where I felt I was.). Second, one must make the choice to climb out. But you can't just wish for it to happen or hope it will happen without direction for where you want that "out" to be and a structure that you use to get there, preferably a strong foundation that you build yourself so you don't fall back into the same hole/deep. I want my "out of the hole" to be a place where I am in healthy relationships and can function as ME again. My structure is Biblical principles and sound psychology. So my structure is there-the two sides of the ladder. When I learn something that is either based on a biblical principle or sound psychology, it is a rung. When I learn how to do that thing, it is represented as someone "giving me a rung to climb out". I seriously love this-thank you for adding your comment. I really think I can use your metaphor (or analogy or whatever) to remind myself that although I want out NOW, I have to get myself out, and examine the rungs that come my way before just taking anything that is offered because I'm desperate (like if an unsafe person or an enabler suggests something that the bible warns against or that is unhealthy or codependent in some way, I won't add it to my ladder. Although I might want to, it won't get me where I'm trying to go because it isn't strong (or right) and it will cause me to slide back down at some point.
Too right. Tough living in the same town, so, there are so many other unkowns, just like that vicious vampire, friends glow like sunshine and that is all that matters. Your analysis supports every expérience i have had, and comforts me. Thankyou
The bottom line is that you can never win with a narcissist and so for the sake of your own health and wellbeing the best solution is to stay calm and leave them. Hopefully in the future personality checks/screening will be a routine part of the initial stage of vetting a potential partner. NPD is an illness and so blaming anyone afflicted by the condition is pointless. It's such a difficult subject and most certainly a destructive thing to experience/endure. I will assume that anyone that is watching this video knows this and more. My advice seek as much awareness on the subject as you can and if necessary seek out professional support if you feel that's it's necessary. In my experience distance and or going contactless is the best option. Good luck.
For me, at least, not about bringing anyone to justice. More about discovering the truth of the situation that has been so denied. It's a self preservation thing. The attempt, if ill-fated, to convince yourself that your perceptions/ feelings/experiences actually count.
Wow thank you so much Jay you definitely hit the nail on the head. You described my feelings and my strange need to go to the narcissist for validation during all this (currently happening in my life) to a T. It helps so much knowing that I'm not alone in this, even though I feel very much alone. I'm working on finding friends and finding My people to support me through this. Your kindness knowledge and understanding of this topic has been so helpful, please never stop putting out videos your making a big difference in a lot of people's world 💚
My narc mother was so obviously damaged, that I stopped having any hope of her being normal decades ago. I did however unconsciously thought the rest of my family was salvageable. The bubble was rudely bursted one day. I realized my mother had successfully instilled my role as the family receptacle with my brothers. '*uck that.' was my reaction. I didn't make any declaration to my family. When my enabler father was dying, I told them I had already made my peace with my father earlier. I requested not to be contacted at all. They couldn't believe it. Whenever I thought about my decision, I felt fortunate I had let all of them know that 1) I knew they sacrificed me, and 2) I didn't appreciate it. It's empowering.
as a German Biologist I promote Inner Strength Training and emotional Immunity - to have an active Firewall to keep antagonistic Predators and Vampyres away. Once you are in the reach of Monsters - you will be caught and devoured.
This is my romantic history to a t. I can't seem to get any lady to even treat me with a droplet of respect. And it always shows up like this massive invalidation dump. And every single time it's because of money or keeping up with the joneses. Or stuff money can buy. I never seem to meet any girl who even wants to talk to me unless I become transparent about finances and they feel certain. Its some weird obsession with fear of someone disappointing them or something. Its so disproportionate of a response too. If its not my time spent running away from women that are that rude and disrespectful. Then the guys near me. Most guys I run into are weird or on something. Low lifes who do beer runs. Or try to fight me or strangers. Because they are just that kind of person. So if its not time spent dodging hateful women it's spent training incase some moron tries to spear tackle me again (not get into a fight. Get jumped by a tweeker or gang member or homeless person). And I live in San Diego, ca. You'd think people would be normal but everyone in socal is stressed. Everyone from here leaves because they can. Its good to know that no one who acts hateful is worth your time.
I have on occasion been reduced to tears when complete strangers treat me as worthy of respect, warmth or dignity where abusers (some of them “family”) do not. It is hard to understand sometimes, but it’s becoming clearer all the time and ur channel has helped me see that it isn’t reflective of my “value” at all, but of the abusers’ modus operandi, therefore there’s nothing to prove, especially to those incapable of or unwilling to treat others well or to self-reflect on their behaviours and attitudes 🌀☮️ Thanks Jay for another great video.
Same. My Mom just passed away. I do miss her but don't know what to miss. When I finally got back hold of a phone secretly while being sex and labor trafficked my Mom was yelling speak up..."You're just being weird again" click. 😢 Then it was my fault.
I was so mad and bitter at my narc father. I still have resentments, but ive let go. I know there is no hope, no reason to think this guy is ever gonna change. Its liberating to let go.
During the abuse narc was trying so hard to make you feel that their conditional validation/acceptance is more important than the unconditional validation/acceptance of other people, that I feel it's very important to unbrainwash yourself on this topic as soon as possible. They are not important, it's just a conditioning. They actually don't have any opinion/perspective to argue with, they have only psychopathology and agenda.
yes, I think my brother and I were both subtly brainwashed to believe that to have a serious relationship would be a betrayal of the family of origin. It's putting another person first. It's putting an outsider first. Outsiders don't know the rules. The rules that are never mentioned. You only know they're rules if you break them. I only ever managed to have a relationship when I lived in London so my mother didn't know. it ended though because I picked a bad person. I don't know about my brother. There's nothing obviously unattractive or flawed about either of us but we both must feel deep down that *it's a betrayal of the family of origin* to put somebody else first. I think. I am trying to change the dynamics going forward though. It's not being met well though. There is no chink in the rules for change.
I remember when I took the first steps of going no contact. I put my house up for sale, donated all the things connected to my family and made arrangements to work remotely out of state. I had spent my entire adulthood trying to convince my mom and two sisters I was not bad. My father and two brothers were the willing participants by enabling their behavior, agreeing with me in private, but never doing anything to protect me. One more conservation with them was not going to make a dent. My best move was to quietly go no contact, relocate and not notify them. I only told my two brothers I was moving but they quickly became the reluctant flying monkeys when my parents learned I sold my house. I had to cut ties with my brothers too, my parents were never going to leave me alone as long as they had this link to me. During the first couple of months of no contact my brothers reported back to me all the rumors my mom had started about me. My mom lied that I was poor and destitute and must have lost my house to foreclosure. She lied that I secretly had a baby out of wedlock. I think my family thought I would rush back and defend myself as I had done my entire life. No. I was done. They could say whatever they wanted about me. They were going to do it whether I was in their closed system or no contact. I choose the latter.
Both my husband and I have narcissistic mothers. His just passed away without a will. We were no contact. Now we see his older sister stepping into her mother's shoes, and she is full on triangulating and sending flying monkeys to gain control (in a community property state where no one has full control). She has turned her younger son into a golden child. The older is not. Some of us see and some of us don't. So grateful to have the knowledge and validation from sources like you, Jay. I've learned a lot!
The thing that is worth mentioning is that once the narcissist realises that they are losing control over you or that they have lost control over you then they will go to any lengths in order to try and control what others think about you. My conclusion is that you have absolutely zero chance of ever having a healthy relationship with a narcissist. No contact is the best solution. Good luck.
Jay it's as if you were sitting on my shoulder during my lived experience! You are 150% CORRECT!! Listen to Jay everyone!!! Even though it feels like you are "letting the Narcissist win".. when you stop trying to fix them, reason with them, change them, get them to agree they were wrong, stop defending yourself that you arent who they say you are...you can finally heal and move on. Love, Living Proof from Iowa
“The way to win is to stop playing the game.” This needs to be the narcissistic abuse survivors tagline. Great video I’m going to watch this one more than once!! Thank you 🙏🏼
Your work in this video is absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!! And in my opinion is the essence of narcissistic abuse recovery. No amount of insight is useful if we don’t relinquish the hope. In my case I think it has kept me from moving on and creating the life I wanted. One aspect of that hope is “asking” the abuser for permission to live ie permission to feel deserving of fulfillment . I’m 72, gifted, worked on my recovery every day of my life and yet didn’t in any deep sense gave myself permission because of this hope/ need ! Please young people out there don’t do that to yourselves!!! Thanks a million Jay
My Narc parent just passed last weekend. I finally have peace, he was never going to be able to look at himself and see now abusive he was, or see how he taught other family members to see me. I now understand that my next big hurdle is letting go of my siblings and their negative opinions. I know they needed me to stay the scapegoat so his wrath would not be directed at them. My head knows they too have learned all the tricks of the trade and have been more than willing to throw me under the bus to protect themselves. It’s not personal. The little girl inside me though is deeply hurt. I need to give her time to heal and mourn the loss of the family she never really had. She still wants them to see what they did and how they gaslit and added to the trauma. They are weak though. I need to mourn and learn not to take their behavior personally and also accept they may very well choose to continue the toxic behavior of our parent in order to continue not looking at themselves. If this is what they choose, I no longer have to show up for that. I’m done being their “mom” the one who had all the responsibilities, gave up her childhood and took all the blame in order to protect them. I can go in peace now and let them go live life as they choose.
I have the opposite situation. As a guy my two former male siblings and former female sibling from my family of origin all came at me all sudden in my 40s living across the country or continent for decades. One of them pröudly announced they were discarding me. Followed so-called altruistic older sister. So do my other brother evidently. When my parents die and they're in their early 80s, it's not exactly going to be so painful to know that they won't be there anymore. I'm glad the garbage took itself out. I'm sorry though that you went through this because it is devastating (as much as I pretend it isn't still) to just get virtually gang-raped, WITH PLEASURE by them, by a bunch of scapegoating bullies! At least when my parents finally die, my family of origin will be completely dead to me and I hope that I may be do something about disassociating with them before they pass as well. (There is no perfect answer to an insane problem THEY created!)
@@jeffyou6340 I’m so sorry you also had the scapegoat role. It seems whoever the parent/s decides has the title gets the abuse by the rest of the flying monkeys/family. I pray you find peace and a new family who sees you for who you are. I feel relieved to face the truth despite how sad it makes me.
@@dnk4559 Thank you for compassion and condolences. I've gotten used to it, the shock of it happening and evaporating, so I'm a bit more than halfway through the recovery process that has unfolded over the years recently. Even though they caused trouble, big hugs to you for the life change of your narc parent passing away
Before I figure a narcissist out, I'm all about either trying keep the peace until I finally feel a need to speak up and try to convince them they are mistreating me. Once I figure out the kind of person they really are, it's not me that is chasing after them to convince them of anything, it's them that keep popping acting all confused as to why I called it quits. Then I have to convince myself that I'm not cold hearted from walking away from a relationship I was invested in. For so long I had convinced myself that my boyfriends, ex husband, friends and family were so wonderful and was so lucky. Then suddenly I learn who they really are and I walk away. Or I'm physically around still, like with my parents, but I don't feel like I care the same way anymore. It does drive me nuts that everyone thinks my parents are so wonderful and I have come away feeling defeated when trying to explain to some family and friends that my childhood was not what my parents make it out to be. I finally found three people I can share my experience safely with, but I had to first be okay with validating my own experience until I found them. Sharing with others who have been through similar experiences on channels such as this has helped tremendously 💕.
I'd like to emphasize your phrase, 'it's them that keep popping up, acting all confused as to why I called it quits.' As I've learned to walk away from narcissists, that has TOTALLY been my experience, as well!
@@charissaschalk5175I think it's the hoovering to test us and because of the narcissistic injury we caused them by rejecting them. They could say whatever they wanted and we we were too sensitive, but when we walk away we are the mean ones. I remember a saying that I think I took too much to heart growing up..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be". Here's my new take on that phrase..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it may just be a narcissist".
These groups are invaluable, indeed! Remember you are not who they tell you are, but better than they can ever be & thus they need to invalidate & demean you. Surround yourself with people who see you for the amazing person you are ❤ May the Lord bless you🙏
Awesome video and totally relatable. Too much time spent on trying to explain myself, justify myself, or be heard at all. Becoming more empowered all the time and this channel really helps.
This video is very useful. I spent decades trying to tell my family how much they have hurt and abused me and how much I suffered. All I got back was denial, accusations and more abuse. I gave up trying to make them see a few years ago. My witnesses are my friends and my psychiatrist. I am very grateful to you, Jay, for creating these clear messages. It is all so important validation. Thank you again. 🙏🌸
Thanks Jay, very helpful. I’m making progress here, despite life setbacks. In time I will be doing your online course. I’m now trusting myself on knowing that there is too much happening presently for me to engage in this course. In the past I’d have rushed in, that’s tangible progress. Blessings to you all and condolences and compassion to all bereaved and deeply affected by the murder of 19 beautiful little children, their two teachers and the sad awfulness that these murders were committed by a local 18 year old man- child. Condolences and compassion to you all on the lack of protection and right responses. Thich Nhat Hahn- said the greatest challenge is not to be overwhelmed by despair. So greetings from Northern Europe and I am very grateful to be part of this healing and learning community gifted to us by Dr Jay Reid. 🙏
Also want to mention one observation I made in this experience. Covert narc started with very shallow false apologies (it was just a tactic for particular situation) and didn't noticed how slipped into taking pride in their actions - the emotion behind the "apologies" was something like "oh wow I'm so crafty and powerful I caused so much suffering oh how important I am". It was utterly disgusting.
Ah, yes, I received a letter of apology that went on and on about how scared they must have made me, like they were enjoying the whole idea of it and in a way letting me know that was their intention. However, when we see their apology for what it really is, we are the cold hearted ones for not accepting their apology.
@@goldieh7121 yeah, the way they treat you is your fault and the way you respond to their abuse is also somehow your fault, there is no other option 😆 just pure pathological projection. In reality the way they treat you is their fault and the way you have to treat them and go no contact is also their fault. The amount of inadequacy is astounding. They try to threaten you, after that they play a victim again. Hey, choose one role, you can't be both at once. Wow, they are so defective and physically disgusting that they have to try so hard to push these projections onto others. I am still processing my feelings towards all this stuff.
Also they are trying to imply you are "cold hearted" just because the opposite is true. They are not trying to call cold hearted people who really don't care, because there will be no pathological projection to feed off of and no opportunity to hurt somebody with lie 180° opposite to truth.
@@RK-qs5dy So true! I was recently feeling guilty for not wanting to help out certain people and realized that I sense in some people that as soon as I do something for them i will become obligated to do more. I recognized that there are other people that I want to help, because these people don't expect more and more each time I give of myself.
@@goldieh7121 oh please don't hesitate to go with your gut feeling! It is so wise and healthy and could save us so much time and energy and keep away from suffering. We were conditioned to feel guilty for considering our gut feeling trustworthy. Constant gaslighting aimed to ruin our ability to trust ourselves. I know how devastating guilt tripping can feel and how difficult it is to resist this compulsion. This is the reason I try to stay away from charity and activism. There are a lot of narcs and flying monkeys there. And so called 'useful idiots'. Those in charge try to guilt trip you and they would either despise you if you give in or hate you if you walk away. I had to learn to let go of the guilt for wanting to be in control of my life and my resources. It's their problems that they treat me as if I owe them something and as if I am not a human being with free will. They fail to understand that I am the only one who is in control of my resources and try to scorn me for thinking so. How dare I to choose whom and how much I will help. And how dare I to consider some people not deserving of my help.
The primative pervasive Denial of the abuser will cause the narcissist not to believe them. They know what they did. That's why they did it behind closed doors. They feel great that they got away with it But the denial and narcissism will create a valid reason for the abuser. Go on with life without the abuser; focus on you ; don't focus on the abuser. If the abuser isn't violent not focusing on the abuser and focus on others.
Trauma bonding- they hurt you..then comfort you. They make you feel death is certain without them..hurt and abuse you and make you feel grateful to them for throwing you a scrap
It's so hard. That end bit. Surrendering the hope that they'll get it. I have shifted my focus slightly from the need to fix it to the need to protect myself. That also infuriates them. The notion that I need to protect myself from them. OUTRAGED. So again, they are the victims of me.
this i so right on and helpful in every way. you have such a grasp on this reality that its so hopegiving to know that someone understands this and can articulate it so well.
I feel like the more you try to control or correct the situation, the more like the narc you begin to feel. Like you become a mirror almost of them actually controlling you by pulling your emotional strings. Letting it go that you can’t change someone’s heart who isn’t willing or capable of meeting your needs, and accepting that you can’t or won’t be able to expect normal relational reactions from them can be freeing and give a sense of distance from it. It sucks to let it go - let go of trying to control the other person, the more of your empathic self you’ll retain. And that will be worth it. Right?
I am dealing with some one like this .I am a mere farmhand dealing with horses its doing my head ,When have I paid off my debt .The milfs are killing me ,please save me.
"Continuing to seek validation/satisfaction from the abuser only gives them more power over you." Wow. It has been hard for me to let that go, but it is extremely relieving when you start to 'stop playing the game.' Just opt out and focus on you.
The indemnity of denial for shedding reason on the projector. Gotta change the screen, the globe, the movie and the reality. And still they'd persist. Almost gotta play into their part but that's where they'd line you up for. If only the rehersal.
The only way to find relief from the narc is to leave and NEVER talk to them or be in their presence again, not for one single minute. There is no hope with these people.
Jay Reid- you’re better than my therapist at helping me recover from my narcissistic brothers, sil and husband. I was living in France, caring for my sister, away from my brothers and husband for months at a time when I suddenly woke up and realized what an abusive life I had been living! I changed the rules and stopped accepting their abuses. My sister has been remarkably supportive. I finally stood up for myself and called the police! His arrest and guilty plea sent my brothers and sil into apoplectic, narcissistic abuse hyperdrive! I’ve been grey rock for two years. It’s still hard not to want to try to get them to accept the truth and stop scapegoating me. Now I’m telling my story through my art!
He says he found me whiney.....truth be told ge led me in a chair after his dad died I had t come to his funeral ...sp he shows up hold ne in a chair with speech so praasued not kettong me up.I swrmt no co tact he kept calling. I go back save his life when his I tstibes burst ive had it with his tics its always about him. He can calk his brother the eye dr next time. I'm you g no contact yes a user.he had pushed his e. Wife trough the screen dour ive heard it all I'm going tp deal with his verbal abuse or anymore abuse that's on him..hes in denial.
Voluntarily relinquishing the hope of having that specific experience (that they’re going to understand what they did to you and apologise) is the self protective choice in recovery. ❤️🩹 We have to move forwards and repair our own self worth by taking actions that build us up and start working with others who need our help to help build themselves up. We remake our world by repairing it until it’s transformed by our efforts. 🪷
It’s so true! Thank you so much. Live you life in the knowledge that they are an a user, without a word……don’t give them a chance. You go on in truth ☀️✨
YES. The only way I can visualise fixing things with my parents is if they acknowledge my original point, that THEY. HURT. ME. They haven't acknowledged that yet and from the first moment I asked them not to casually label me paranoid, they martyred up, they got angry, they gave me the silent treatment. They smeared me to the relatives. In the past, I would have broken the silent treatment eventually by going back to them with some kind of olive branch.. eg ''look, I didn't mean to cause bad feeling but you'' and they would have shut me down instantly but accepted my apology for having caused the bad feeling. This went on for decades. Then as often happens, I got to 50 and I thought, nope, the end of this . I didn't go back to them with an olive branch so the silent treatment went on and on and on. You are right. My parents are motivated to find me inadequate. I do find it so hard to let go of the hope that one day they'll get it.
the best thing you can do once you realize you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is to accept them the way they are and to leave before they do more damage. Because it’s inevitable that they’ll do more damage if you give them more chances. It’s just not worth all the heartache.
They aren’t “human” I figured most of mine were ALIEN and just dark and shallow! Just reptiles hell bent for their own survival!
Damn right! They will do more damage after giving you a good part of the SWEET AND MEAN cycle just to throw the hammer behind YET INTO your neck as you're taking a break and crush you as much as possible
I’m working my way out!
…and they WILL do more damage.
They literally give zero fu**s.
i did it uncounsciously in 1995 for a girl I loved,
getting to a cafe' and hearing her.
She explained who she were in 1 hour monologue for trivia
showing me no interest.
She showed herself as a nacissit ,
and I had no more dates wih her.
It was painful, but it would be much more painful if I would marry her
and be her martyr for the rest o my life.
I did not.
My life was no a success, but not a failure either.
Go where you’re wanted, and where things work.
Seems hard to find!
It's easy to become obsessed with cornering your abuser into 'accountability'. - something they won't accept . I had the whole thing turned back onto me complete with the old name calling , insults and self satisfied smiling and display of wretched evilness to shut me down . This worked for them but freed me to make the easy decision to completely cut them from my life .
I AGREE! That is why they say just walk away! It took me FOREVER to learn that any thing I say to "hurt their feelings" was going to be met with gaslighting and HORRIBLE manipulative hurtful statements made to ME! THEN you may even find they have TAPED YOU and they then use that against you!
@@janettemartin4604 Yes! It's pretty obvious I've suffered this "being taped" part in the transparent smear campaign. You can just recognize it in the tone of voice changing that it's SHOWTIME for an undisclosed third party (on the phone) for you to be CRUSHED in front of (by accident, of course. But this is no joke.. it's nearly deadly
Good for you that you left! I can relate. May the Lord bless you 🙏
They know they do wrong. This is why it is done behind closed doors. in families.
Exactly!! That’s why i was isolated and not allowed to have friends or visit families during summer vacations!
True fact Kim.👍
@M : Yes...
Wow yes of course. Lightbulb moment! I’ve gone no contact and told some extended family members truths about my family members. The narcs (mother and older sister) are furious with me but I DONT CARE ANYMORE.
Calculated, sinister bastards. with the whole family manipulated and wrapped around their evil little finger.
Dr. Reid, please do a video on how to get through to friends who only knew the charming persona of a narcissistic abusive parent, and can't fathom the need that survivors have as adults to be believed about what was happening behind closed doors when they were growing up. We don't want to walk away from these long-time friends but it creates a rift when they don't believe our stories that contradict their own experience of the person they think they 'know'. It makes it even trickier when the abusive parent has passed away, a friend's reluctance to 'talk badly' of the dead...
The perpetrator(s) can never accept any responsibility for their acts because the act of scapegoating/bullying is their way of denying/surviving their own toxic shame and trauma. It’s an issue of survival for them. Acknowledging to themselves that they’re doing this would mean cognitive annihilation. When I’ve observed the lengths to which a narcissist or family will go to in order to PROJECT their own self-contempt, shame and self-loathing onto a scapegoat/victim (denying the victim any dignity, personal worth or sense of truth, whatsoever) I can’t find anything else that explains this. A victim of scapegoating could win the Nobel Prize in Literature and the narcissist/dysfunctional family would explain this away with a “there must have been NO worthy candidates this year” OR “she must have paid off a judge”. My conclusion is that you can at least know that the perpetrator (or toxic family) MUST do this as a prime directive for their survival. It’s horrendous but there it is.
Yes you are correct!
Well said 👏
Very well put. It used to astonish me to what lengths they would go to continue keeping me in the scapegoat role. Thank God I gave up on all of them (mother, brother and sister) 3 years ago. My mental health and self-esteem has improved dramatically. Such a relief to stop asking for acknowledgment or recognition or apologies. I find love, acceptance and compassion with good friends.
@@moirabij734 this gives me so much hope because right now I’m still grieving their loss but the truth is I never had them to begin with. I was just a convenient punching bag and the toxic family has no desire to get well.
@@dnk4559 , healing is definitely possible for us if not the family of origin. Now I need to get away from a Narcissistic landlord. Also accept my ex-husband will never change.
Thank you Jay Reid ! When I listen to you, not only do I learn things that help me, but I feel your compassion and it seems like you truly understand the pain, and the journey to healthy living.
I can relate very much to the three wrongness, you mention from my mother who has now passed on some 2/3 years? I had tried to please her all my life, any morsel, she told me many times I reminded her of my father, even down to the colour of my hair! She wanted no truths spoken, so I was cut off, along with my brother, the youngest got all inheritance, we wanted nothing from it, anyhows, I believe it made me a much stronger person, when it ends, it ends, thank god, I try not to look to past and keep my mind away from chilhood/ teenage years.Yes, let it go without justice, do not let hurt into your heart ♥
I overcome it by not caring if they believe me or not
I am trying to get to that stage.
There are thousands on videos on youtube on gaslighting, blameshifting , projection, word salad, pausing when they are going to loose arguments etc. Narcisists has a personality disorder that refuses to take accountability. My dad was the main narc abuser in my childhood for 18 years he was abusive and scapegoating of me. But i see how sick he is and I got sober from alcohol which is how i self-medicated my cptsd from that abuse. He was happy projecting at me all the time, but he couldnt cover the fact that my mom got a divorced from him and all of his children actually see him for the monster he is for the most part. He cant change the fact that 3 years into (almost my healing from childhood trauma by narc abuse), I am my authentic self, with healthy boundaries, have healthy support, is embarked in my own healing process, and see him for the person he is a toddler that now needs my validation, that can't self generate, and that struggles with accountability, that has to live in his own parents house, that has to have this phoney fake image to the exterior world which he cant sustain in his closest relationships which is why he needed to be abusive. That being said, like i said im 3 years in, and going to him for him to take accountability would be difficult, he's still actively narcking out , in the world, hasn't taken much responsibility for anything, and for his relationship failings or his life being the way it is in some aspects. I really dont need his approval to continue my healing journey to show up as my authentic self, to understand that it was mostly about him, to have self respect and self worth, and heal from the messages he tried to project at me that where mostly about him. Thats a given. They have a personality disorder who's inbuilt to blameshift, gaslight, twist words etc, they are in survival mode themselves and untill they hit rock bottom, they prolly wont be able to take much accountability. Thats the final thing, having friendships, and support of people who can be responsibile for themselves and are emotionally available themselves to connect in healthy and real, nice ways!
Thank you for sharing.
I am glad you have found healing. It's inspiring to me because I am also on the healing journey.
@@dancinginthepurplereign4126 cool :) theres a lot of support out there for those wanting to heal their childhood trauma. from support groups. to speakers on youtube, a support network of safe people , that are available, therapy, and it all to continue walking the healing and empowering journey of becoming our most authentic self, that connects with safe enough others and knows his worth and value, and can assert it and remind people of it if necessary :)!
Confronting a narc prolongs the process and incurs more damage. Cut your losses, get away, go no contact, live your best life w kindred spirits. Being happy enrages the narc.
Yes.I relate to all the points you bring up.
I did/do deserve much better and I am stuck in the pattern of trying to convince the narcissist to take ownership and exhibit some remorse.it is never going to happen....it is one of those situations victims will find familiar.I am his only victim.....he is the" good guy" to everyone else.....He makes sure people see him as the victim and even when I have defended myself with a story of what I was subjected to, he denies it...they believe him.....you touch on exactly how I am feeling ....
Phwargh - I'm catching up on watching your videos as I'm really struggling in life atm and each video so far has nailed an aspect of what's upsetting me, but this topic... it's exactly my deepest pain. To a large degree I feel compassion and understanding for the narcs but the deepest hurt and anger I struggle with is that so many people helped them get away with their cruelty! "If only" someone had gotten in their faces and said, "HEY YOU, BACK OFF!!!" and, "This is illegal and unlawful and must be stopped RIGHT NOW!" I'm still astonished that the persons and systems set up and designed to protect us were so brazenly ignored and me and my loved ones were just pawns in a collective of obedient slaves to the will of the narcs, and some are narcs themselves, and we're left to survive life with the consequences. Self pity is easy to fall into when one is again reminded of how life - rather people - is unfair. But listening to you speak about this topic is providential and perfect timing for me; you have given me some rungs on the ladder out of The Deep - thank you SO much. I wish I could hug you!
Ooohhh....I LOVE that-rungs on the ladder out of the deep! I can so use that to help me, because it is a perfect idea of what "the process" is. First, one must see that they are in "the deep", as you stated it. (I had used "hole" when describing how I felt/where I felt I was.). Second, one must make the choice to climb out. But you can't just wish for it to happen or hope it will happen without direction for where you want that "out" to be and a structure that you use to get there, preferably a strong foundation that you build yourself so you don't fall back into the same hole/deep. I want my "out of the hole" to be a place where I am in healthy relationships and can function as ME again. My structure is Biblical principles and sound psychology. So my structure is there-the two sides of the ladder. When I learn something that is either based on a biblical principle or sound psychology, it is a rung. When I learn how to do that thing, it is represented as someone "giving me a rung to climb out".
I seriously love this-thank you for adding your comment. I really think I can use your metaphor (or analogy or whatever) to remind myself that although I want out NOW, I have to get myself out, and examine the rungs that come my way before just taking anything that is offered because I'm desperate (like if an unsafe person or an enabler suggests something that the bible warns against or that is unhealthy or codependent in some way, I won't add it to my ladder. Although I might want to, it won't get me where I'm trying to go because it isn't strong (or right) and it will cause me to slide back down at some point.
Too right. Tough living in the same town, so, there are so many other unkowns, just like that vicious vampire, friends glow like sunshine and that is all that matters. Your analysis supports every expérience i have had, and comforts me. Thankyou
Very good tipp to seek validation, understanding and compassion from others instead of the narcissist. It helps a lot to get compassion.
The bottom line is that you can never win with a narcissist and so for the sake of your own health and wellbeing the best solution is to stay calm and leave them. Hopefully in the future personality checks/screening will be a routine part of the initial stage of vetting a potential partner. NPD is an illness and so blaming anyone afflicted by the condition is pointless. It's such a difficult subject and most certainly a destructive thing to experience/endure. I will assume that anyone that is watching this video knows this and more. My advice seek as much awareness on the subject as you can and if necessary seek out professional support if you feel that's it's necessary. In my experience distance and or going contactless is the best option. Good luck.
When ever I tried to do this the blameshift began. It became even more painful to hear that it was my fault that I was treated that way.
It's very validating just to listen to you articulate the reality of being around a narcissist, Jay. Thank you!
For me, at least, not about bringing anyone to justice. More about discovering the truth of the situation that has been so denied. It's a self preservation thing. The attempt, if ill-fated, to convince yourself that your perceptions/ feelings/experiences actually count.
Wow thank you so much Jay you definitely hit the nail on the head. You described my feelings and my strange need to go to the narcissist for validation during all this (currently happening in my life) to a T. It helps so much knowing that I'm not alone in this, even though I feel very much alone. I'm working on finding friends and finding My people to support me through this. Your kindness knowledge and understanding of this topic has been so helpful, please never stop putting out videos your making a big difference in a lot of people's world 💚
My narc mother was so obviously damaged, that I stopped having any hope of her being normal decades ago. I did however unconsciously thought the rest of my family was salvageable. The bubble was rudely bursted one day. I realized my mother had successfully instilled my role as the family receptacle with my brothers. '*uck that.' was my reaction. I didn't make any declaration to my family. When my enabler father was dying, I told them I had already made my peace with my father earlier. I requested not to be contacted at all. They couldn't believe it. Whenever I thought about my decision, I felt fortunate I had let all of them know that 1) I knew they sacrificed me, and 2) I didn't appreciate it. It's empowering.
This channel is changing my life.
as a German Biologist I promote Inner Strength Training and emotional Immunity - to have an active Firewall to keep antagonistic Predators and Vampyres away. Once you are in the reach of Monsters - you will be caught and devoured.
Jay Reid....your videos are extremely helpful!! Thankyou so much...for all your work!!
This is my romantic history to a t. I can't seem to get any lady to even treat me with a droplet of respect. And it always shows up like this massive invalidation dump.
And every single time it's because of money or keeping up with the joneses. Or stuff money can buy. I never seem to meet any girl who even wants to talk to me unless I become transparent about finances and they feel certain.
Its some weird obsession with fear of someone disappointing them or something. Its so disproportionate of a response too. If its not my time spent running away from women that are that rude and disrespectful.
Then the guys near me. Most guys I run into are weird or on something. Low lifes who do beer runs. Or try to fight me or strangers. Because they are just that kind of person.
So if its not time spent dodging hateful women it's spent training incase some moron tries to spear tackle me again (not get into a fight. Get jumped by a tweeker or gang member or homeless person).
And I live in San Diego, ca. You'd think people would be normal but everyone in socal is stressed. Everyone from here leaves because they can.
Its good to know that no one who acts hateful is worth your time.
Thank you for great observations and advice.
For this and the other videos, thak you so much.
There's a reason why we are not allowed to slight the body out loud
agree 😐
You will never have your so called day in court
Do you have a referral for someone in Cincinnati?
*Suffer Less ❤️🩹 💞
Grateful
I have on occasion been reduced to tears when complete strangers treat me as worthy of respect, warmth or dignity where abusers (some of them “family”) do not. It is hard to understand sometimes, but it’s becoming clearer all the time and ur channel has helped me see that it isn’t reflective of my “value” at all, but of the abusers’ modus operandi, therefore there’s nothing to prove, especially to those incapable of or unwilling to treat others well or to self-reflect on their behaviours and attitudes 🌀☮️ Thanks Jay for another great video.
Same. My Mom just passed away. I do miss her but don't know what to miss.
When I finally got back hold of a phone secretly while being sex and labor trafficked my Mom was yelling speak up..."You're just being weird again" click. 😢 Then it was my fault.
I was so mad and bitter at my narc father. I still have resentments, but ive let go. I know there is no hope, no reason to think this guy is ever gonna change. Its liberating to let go.
Blacklis
During the abuse narc was trying so hard to make you feel that their conditional validation/acceptance is more important than the unconditional validation/acceptance of other people, that I feel it's very important to unbrainwash yourself on this topic as soon as possible. They are not important, it's just a conditioning. They actually don't have any opinion/perspective to argue with, they have only psychopathology and agenda.
yes, I think my brother and I were both subtly brainwashed to believe that to have a serious relationship would be a betrayal of the family of origin. It's putting another person first. It's putting an outsider first. Outsiders don't know the rules. The rules that are never mentioned. You only know they're rules if you break them. I only ever managed to have a relationship when I lived in London so my mother didn't know. it ended though because I picked a bad person. I don't know about my brother. There's nothing obviously unattractive or flawed about either of us but we both must feel deep down that *it's a betrayal of the family of origin* to put somebody else first. I think. I am trying to change the dynamics going forward though. It's not being met well though. There is no chink in the rules for change.
还情如重
Well put. Psychopathology and an agenda. Brilliant!
I remember when I took the first steps of going no contact. I put my house up for sale, donated all the things connected to my family and made arrangements to work remotely out of state.
I had spent my entire adulthood trying to convince my mom and two sisters I was not bad. My father and two brothers were the willing participants by enabling their behavior, agreeing with me in private, but never doing anything to protect me.
One more conservation with them was not going to make a dent. My best move was to quietly go no contact, relocate and not notify them. I only told my two brothers I was moving but they quickly became the reluctant flying monkeys when my parents learned I sold my house. I had to cut ties with my brothers too, my parents were never going to leave me alone as long as they had this link to me. During the first couple of months of no contact my brothers reported back to me all the rumors my mom had started about me. My mom lied that I was poor and destitute and must have lost my house to foreclosure. She lied that I secretly had a baby out of wedlock.
I think my family thought I would rush back and defend myself as I had done my entire life. No. I was done. They could say whatever they wanted about me. They were going to do it whether I was in their closed system or no contact. I choose the latter.
Rather be done than try to gain approval from low down people like that.
Smart move! Narcissists will never stop abusing their victims.
@@realhealing7802 my mother is 93!! Still causing havoc any chance she gets.
Well done to you 👏
Good for you xx
The narcissist doesn't get away with anything since their fate is to be forever miserable
Yessssss day in day out ‼️⚖️🍿👀
Unfortunately, there is a strong belief in the psychology field that you must confront your abuser in order to feel relief.
Worse than that is the belief that we have to stick around so a couple of social workers can take credit for doing so instead.
Both my husband and I have narcissistic mothers. His just passed away without a will. We were no contact. Now we see his older sister stepping into her mother's shoes, and she is full on triangulating and sending flying monkeys to gain control (in a community property state where no one has full control). She has turned her younger son into a golden child. The older is not. Some of us see and some of us don't. So grateful to have the knowledge and validation from sources like you, Jay. I've learned a lot!
The thing that is worth mentioning is that once the narcissist realises that they are losing control over you or that they have lost control over you then they will go to any lengths in order to try and control what others think about you. My conclusion is that you have absolutely zero chance of ever having a healthy relationship with a narcissist. No contact is the best solution. Good luck.
Jay it's as if you were sitting on my shoulder during my lived experience! You are 150% CORRECT!! Listen to Jay everyone!!! Even though it feels like you are "letting the Narcissist win".. when you stop trying to fix them, reason with them, change them, get them to agree they were wrong, stop defending yourself that you arent who they say you are...you can finally heal and move on.
Love, Living Proof from Iowa
💪👏❤️ Exactly!!!
“The way to win is to stop playing the game.” This needs to be the narcissistic abuse survivors tagline. Great video I’m going to watch this one more than once!! Thank you 🙏🏼
Your work in this video is absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!! And in my opinion is the essence of narcissistic abuse recovery. No amount of insight is useful if we don’t relinquish the hope. In my case I think it has kept me from moving on and creating the life I wanted. One aspect of that hope is “asking” the abuser for permission to live ie permission to feel deserving of fulfillment . I’m 72, gifted, worked on my recovery every day of my life and yet didn’t in any deep sense gave myself permission because of this hope/ need ! Please young people out there don’t do that to yourselves!!! Thanks a million Jay
👍👍👍
Thank you for your encouragement!!!
My Narc parent just passed last weekend. I finally have peace, he was never going to be able to look at himself and see now abusive he was, or see how he taught other family members to see me. I now understand that my next big hurdle is letting go of my siblings and their negative opinions. I know they needed me to stay the scapegoat so his wrath would not be directed at them. My head knows they too have learned all the tricks of the trade and have been more than willing to throw me under the bus to protect themselves. It’s not personal. The little girl inside me though is deeply hurt. I need to give her time to heal and mourn the loss of the family she never really had. She still wants them to see what they did and how they gaslit and added to the trauma. They are weak though. I need to mourn and learn not to take their behavior personally and also accept they may very well choose to continue the toxic behavior of our parent in order to continue not looking at themselves. If this is what they choose, I no longer have to show up for that. I’m done being their “mom” the one who had all the responsibilities, gave up her childhood and took all the blame in order to protect them. I can go in peace now and let them go live life as they choose.
well said .God Bless You.
I have the opposite situation. As a guy my two former male siblings and former female sibling from my family of origin all came at me all sudden in my 40s living across the country or continent for decades. One of them pröudly announced they were discarding me. Followed so-called altruistic older sister. So do my other brother evidently.
When my parents die and they're in their early 80s, it's not exactly going to be so painful to know that they won't be there anymore. I'm glad the garbage took itself out. I'm sorry though that you went through this because it is devastating (as much as I pretend it isn't still) to just get virtually gang-raped, WITH PLEASURE by them, by a bunch of scapegoating bullies!
At least when my parents finally die, my family of origin will be completely dead to me and I hope that I may be do something about disassociating with them before they pass as well. (There is no perfect answer to an insane problem THEY created!)
@@jeffyou6340 I’m so sorry you also had the scapegoat role. It seems whoever the parent/s decides has the title gets the abuse by the rest of the flying monkeys/family. I pray you find peace and a new family who sees you for who you are. I feel relieved to face the truth despite how sad it makes me.
@@dnk4559 Thank you for compassion and condolences. I've gotten used to it, the shock of it happening and evaporating, so I'm a bit more than halfway through the recovery process that has unfolded over the years recently. Even though they caused trouble, big hugs to you for the life change of your narc parent passing away
@@jeffyou6340 and same to you!
Before I figure a narcissist out, I'm all about either trying keep the peace until I finally feel a need to speak up and try to convince them they are mistreating me. Once I figure out the kind of person they really are, it's not me that is chasing after them to convince them of anything, it's them that keep popping acting all confused as to why I called it quits. Then I have to convince myself that I'm not cold hearted from walking away from a relationship I was invested in.
For so long I had convinced myself that my boyfriends, ex husband, friends and family were so wonderful and was so lucky. Then suddenly I learn who they really are and I walk away. Or I'm physically around still, like with my parents, but I don't feel like I care the same way anymore.
It does drive me nuts that everyone thinks my parents are so wonderful and I have come away feeling defeated when trying to explain to some family and friends that my childhood was not what my parents make it out to be. I finally found three people I can share my experience safely with, but I had to first be okay with validating my own experience until I found them. Sharing with others who have been through similar experiences on channels such as this has helped tremendously 💕.
I'd like to emphasize your phrase, 'it's them that keep popping up, acting all confused as to why I called it quits.' As I've learned to walk away from narcissists, that has TOTALLY been my experience, as well!
@@charissaschalk5175I think it's the hoovering to test us and because of the narcissistic injury we caused them by rejecting them. They could say whatever they wanted and we we were too sensitive, but when we walk away we are the mean ones. I remember a saying that I think I took too much to heart growing up..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be". Here's my new take on that phrase..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it may just be a narcissist".
@@charissaschalk5175 and on top of that they of course will blame you for their popping up 😂 as if you covertly manipulate them.
Sick people.
@@RK-qs5dy Blameshifting is water top three qualities (or EVIL aspects, I should say)
These groups are invaluable, indeed! Remember you are not who they tell you are, but better than they can ever be & thus they need to invalidate & demean you. Surround yourself with people who see you for the amazing person you are ❤ May the Lord bless you🙏
Awesome video and totally relatable. Too much time spent on trying to explain myself, justify myself, or be heard at all. Becoming more empowered all the time and this channel really helps.
Excellent! Thank you so much. I wish I'd heard this decades ago but it's so good to hear this now, too.
This video is very useful. I spent decades trying to tell my family how much they have hurt and abused me and how much I suffered. All I got back was denial, accusations and more abuse.
I gave up trying to make them see a few years ago. My witnesses are my friends and my psychiatrist. I am very grateful to you, Jay, for creating these clear messages. It is all so important validation. Thank you again. 🙏🌸
this is one of your top ten jay, so well summarised, thanks for your efforts.
Thanks Jay, very helpful. I’m making progress here, despite life setbacks. In time I will be doing your online course. I’m now trusting myself on knowing that there is too much happening presently for me to engage in this course. In the past I’d have rushed in, that’s tangible progress. Blessings to you all and condolences and compassion to all bereaved and deeply affected by the murder of 19 beautiful little children, their two teachers and the sad awfulness that these murders were committed by a local 18 year old man- child. Condolences and compassion to you all on the lack of protection and right responses.
Thich Nhat Hahn- said the greatest challenge is not to be overwhelmed by despair.
So greetings from Northern Europe and I am very grateful to be part of this healing and learning community gifted to us by Dr Jay Reid. 🙏
Also want to mention one observation I made in this experience. Covert narc started with very shallow false apologies (it was just a tactic for particular situation) and didn't noticed how slipped into taking pride in their actions - the emotion behind the "apologies" was something like "oh wow I'm so crafty and powerful I caused so much suffering oh how important I am". It was utterly disgusting.
Ah, yes, I received a letter of apology that went on and on about how scared they must have made me, like they were enjoying the whole idea of it and in a way letting me know that was their intention. However, when we see their apology for what it really is, we are the cold hearted ones for not accepting their apology.
@@goldieh7121 yeah, the way they treat you is your fault and the way you respond to their abuse is also somehow your fault, there is no other option 😆 just pure pathological projection. In reality the way they treat you is their fault and the way you have to treat them and go no contact is also their fault. The amount of inadequacy is astounding.
They try to threaten you, after that they play a victim again. Hey, choose one role, you can't be both at once.
Wow, they are so defective and physically disgusting that they have to try so hard to push these projections onto others. I am still processing my feelings towards all this stuff.
Also they are trying to imply you are "cold hearted" just because the opposite is true. They are not trying to call cold hearted people who really don't care, because there will be no pathological projection to feed off of and no opportunity to hurt somebody with lie 180° opposite to truth.
@@RK-qs5dy So true! I was recently feeling guilty for not wanting to help out certain people and realized that I sense in some people that as soon as I do something for them i will become obligated to do more. I recognized that there are other people that I want to help, because these people don't expect more and more each time I give of myself.
@@goldieh7121 oh please don't hesitate to go with your gut feeling! It is so wise and healthy and could save us so much time and energy and keep away from suffering. We were conditioned to feel guilty for considering our gut feeling trustworthy. Constant gaslighting aimed to ruin our ability to trust ourselves.
I know how devastating guilt tripping can feel and how difficult it is to resist this compulsion.
This is the reason I try to stay away from charity and activism. There are a lot of narcs and flying monkeys there. And so called 'useful idiots'. Those in charge try to guilt trip you and they would either despise you if you give in or hate you if you walk away.
I had to learn to let go of the guilt for wanting to be in control of my life and my resources. It's their problems that they treat me as if I owe them something and as if I am not a human being with free will. They fail to understand that I am the only one who is in control of my resources and try to scorn me for thinking so. How dare I to choose whom and how much I will help. And how dare I to consider some people not deserving of my help.
Yeah no it is disgusting.. thanks
The primative pervasive Denial of the abuser will cause the narcissist not to believe them. They know what they did. That's why they did it behind closed doors. They feel great that they got away with it
But the denial and narcissism will create a valid reason for the abuser. Go on with life without the abuser; focus on you ; don't focus on the abuser. If the abuser isn't violent not focusing on the abuser and focus on others.
Trauma bonding- they hurt you..then comfort you. They make you feel death is certain without them..hurt and abuse you and make you feel grateful to them for throwing you a scrap
It's so hard. That end bit. Surrendering the hope that they'll get it. I have shifted my focus slightly from the need to fix it to the need to protect myself. That also infuriates them. The notion that I need to protect myself from them. OUTRAGED. So again, they are the victims of me.
this i so right on and helpful in every way. you have such a grasp on this reality that its so hopegiving to know that someone understands this and can articulate it so well.
I feel like the more you try to control or correct the situation, the more like the narc you begin to feel.
Like you become a mirror almost of them actually controlling you by pulling your emotional strings.
Letting it go that you can’t change someone’s heart who isn’t willing or capable of meeting your needs, and accepting that you can’t or won’t be able to expect normal relational reactions from them can be freeing and give a sense of distance from it.
It sucks to let it go - let go of trying to control the other person, the more of your empathic self you’ll retain.
And that will be worth it.
Right?
I will have to have a double or triple dose of this video because it is jam packed with so much great insight and content. Thank you!
I am dealing with some one like this .I am a mere farmhand dealing with horses its doing my head ,When have I paid off my debt .The milfs are killing me ,please save me.
"Continuing to seek validation/satisfaction from the abuser only gives them more power over you."
Wow.
It has been hard for me to let that go, but it is extremely relieving when you start to 'stop playing the game.'
Just opt out and focus on you.
The indemnity of denial for shedding reason on the projector.
Gotta change the screen, the globe, the movie and the reality.
And still they'd persist.
Almost gotta play into their part but that's where they'd line you up for.
If only the rehersal.
The only way to find relief from the narc is to leave and NEVER talk to them or be in their presence again, not for one single minute. There is no hope with these people.
So right. Thank you 🙏
Success is the best revenge
Best video ever. It’s clear for the first time what I must do to heal. Thank you for the amazing clarity i now have.
TOTALLY!!!! Than you so much for this clear and well-presented posting.
Jay Reid- you’re better than my therapist at helping me recover from my narcissistic brothers, sil and husband.
I was living in France, caring for my sister, away from my brothers and husband for months at a time when I suddenly woke up and realized what an abusive life I had been living! I changed the rules and stopped accepting their abuses. My sister has been remarkably supportive.
I finally stood up for myself and called the police! His arrest and guilty plea sent my brothers and sil into apoplectic, narcissistic abuse hyperdrive!
I’ve been grey rock for two years.
It’s still hard not to want to try to get them to accept the truth and stop scapegoating me.
Now I’m telling my story through my art!
Like the movie "War Games" - the only way to win is not to play. Instead of playing "tug-of-war", drop the rope and walk away.
He says he found me whiney.....truth be told ge led me in a chair after his dad died I had t come to his funeral ...sp he shows up hold ne in a chair with speech so praasued not kettong me up.I swrmt no co tact he kept calling. I go back save his life when his I tstibes burst ive had it with his tics its always about him. He can calk his brother the eye dr next time. I'm you g no contact yes a user.he had pushed his e. Wife trough the screen dour ive heard it all I'm going tp deal with his verbal abuse or anymore abuse that's on him..hes in denial.
When there was noone there to witness... and then the institution betrays you too... I feel like I cant talk about this anymore
This video is the best video I have heard. He summed up years of confusion in ten minutes. Thank u
I don't think they really know how they've affected others. 😔
What the narcissists in my life taught me: the only validation I need, is of myself.
Worth a rewatch... excellent and very helpful!!
I'm gonna go where I am wanted and where things work. Thank you.
This also applies to confronting the enabling parent.
This is good medicine. Thank you Jay. gby
Yes I can definitely relate
Excellent video
This is so true.
💜
Voluntarily relinquishing the hope of having that specific experience (that they’re going to understand what they did to you and apologise) is the self protective choice in recovery. ❤️🩹
We have to move forwards and repair our own self worth by taking actions that build us up and start working with others who need our help to help build themselves up. We remake our world by repairing it until it’s transformed by our efforts. 🪷
It’s so true! Thank you so much. Live you life in the knowledge that they are an a user, without a word……don’t give them a chance. You go on in truth ☀️✨
YES.
The only way I can visualise fixing things with my parents is if they acknowledge my original point, that THEY. HURT. ME.
They haven't acknowledged that yet and from the first moment I asked them not to casually label me paranoid, they martyred up, they got angry, they gave me the silent treatment. They smeared me to the relatives. In the past, I would have broken the silent treatment eventually by going back to them with some kind of olive branch.. eg ''look, I didn't mean to cause bad feeling but you'' and they would have shut me down instantly but accepted my apology for having caused the bad feeling. This went on for decades. Then as often happens, I got to 50 and I thought, nope, the end of this . I didn't go back to them with an olive branch so the silent treatment went on and on and on.
You are right. My parents are motivated to find me inadequate. I do find it so hard to let go of the hope that one day they'll get it.