5 years of constant Urge to Su*c*d*
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- There is always more story. I know all of us in our 20s are suffering from a syndrome where we want to become successful in early age, and if not that we want to come out strong, it’s not easy. Only we can understand as someone going through it, I have listed things which I did to survive my situation which was unbearable unending and filled with hopelessness at one time. It was almost sure that nothing is going to change, but still there was always one option to choose other than ending your life, and I always choose that, it was not easy. It was absolutely not easy, but still there is always another option. I had believe that I have lost something and the idea to end someone’s life is the easiest one. Why not go for the tough one once and see if that doesn’t work, will go with the easy one.
The fact is that, why u misleaded people here since 5 years, listing about t pros of being a med student at aiims ...then u never told t dark side......still i remember their were some med influencers who just hyped about aiims, duting my 11th std evryone wanted to go there , just cause of advertisements done not because they wanted to go.........not simply criticising u, t thoughts here in med college we have on ug level, are an outcome of t accompany u have , t people.....its sole cause is not academics n clinical....this is what we faced n r juniors are facing.......to combat this one must be dedicated to medicine to complete ug then nothing can affect u...........hmm situation if diff in residency n till time of internship...........but what i felt u should make aspirants aware about circumstances n hw to combat it.....rather than exaggersting t matters of negativity here......most of ur viewsrs r aspirants rather than med students, we as a med student like to address t cause rather than teling ur personal opinions on this issue.....it might break t morale of upcoming aspirsnts from pursuing medicine
Hm , That's correct....here r neet aspirants basically , n this phase itself is tiring n depressing because of career settlement.....but being a medical student scenario changes absolutely t way u handle situations.....toxicity is just cause of t seniors n hod's they just pressure se to perform well....accompany fact Is much relatable....don know why she is spreading misleading info regarding mbbs.....or yha log ni kaise hai , jinki mental health shi Jo jati hai dusre ko bi ae negativity me Dekh ke...means literally
Not only she but many other creaters also just for their views afterall there are a huge population of neet aspirants
Bhn yr ....woh apni story btari h....sunlo na.... criticize krna hr bt p jruri ni h.....
I saw some mean comments here....please think before assuming and commenting anything mean...when one commits suicide, we try to prevent it by spreading awareness that we should ask for help and when FINALLY someone speaks up about their own story, they end up getting mean comments? Just because she got the courage and the platform to speak up doesn't mean she's trying to gain sympathy ....she might be helping someone out right now going through the same thing who is fed up of their life...social media is powerful.
Absolutely right
Hnn vhi yrr koi kar leta hai to aake sympathy dikhaate hai....koi lad rha usasw to uska sath nhi dete hain....sath denw k liye mrne ka wait krta hai sb...hell k demons hain idhar aa gye hain😢
Wah mere time par toh depression was considered weak but now a loser telling her depressed story and quitting "AIIMS DELHI” is being called a strong woman 😂😂😂😂
@@AADHIKRISHNAANIL apka time gya uncle ji😛😛😍🥰
@@AADHIKRISHNAANILand if this continues how India is gonna be a developed country…Also there are doctors who are working hard and saving people while being coping with all this they are the real heroes ❤️
It really takes a lot of courage to admit that you are depressed and need help. Hats off to you mam.
I also feel lonely when I study for long hours.
As time passes my mind get more confused.
"Baat niklegi to fir door talak jaegi.. log bevajah udaasi ka sabab puchenge..ye bhi puchenge ke tum itni pareshan kyu ho? .."
❤️🩹
@@RASHMIAIIMSDELHI1722 dear rashmi..when i saw ur poem video ,i got a hint that u had such thought ..n i prayed for u .dont worry just pour out ur heart to lord Jesus ,he understands us n I have myself got instant healings from him..read bible ,God will talk to u through his word it doesnot matter what religion ur from n pray ..trust me..u will be fine.try It rashmi..dont take any wrong step
Good luck 🎉
Take care
She's constantly saying I recovered from this that but I don't understand what exactly the problem is she never mention the problem only
Views ka chakkar
Exactly same like what was the reason what was the problem?? Kis cheez ka solution sun rhe h hum log? And what was the suffering in medical college😢
Salute to you didi , thanks for covering such an important topic thanku 🙏 and always there for you 🙏i also quited my neet exam after taking 3 drops
But my goal was not to be a doctor, but to treat and heal people...by god grace i got to know about male nursing and within 10days i took my decision, made changes in my state Councilling just before the result date and finally i got a college
I hope for the best 🙏🤞
All the best
@@RASHMIAIIMSDELHI1722 means a lot di 🙏
@@mihirsharma0987bro which clg u will get
@@Mons21216 from my state West Bengal
Though there's no seat nor no government college for male bsc nursing,but there's 2-3 INC affiliated colleges in which I have got admission through counciling
Di aap kuchh jyada mat socho jo apkaa dil karata h aap wo karo kisi ka bhi mt suno ap apne dil ki suno hm log sb apke sath h
There is nothing without struggle. So many tension and stresses in our life.
hie rashmi thanks for being so strong i have always loved watching ur vids but idk why sometimes i used to feel kya sadiyal ladki hai kitni low on energy hai those vibe that aura maybe it was even reflected through that screen that now the dots connect and im able to understand that u never really felt okay that time, now u have a different spark loving it im so happy u didnt give and ur finally ur choosing what u love more power to u x
Can't tell how much you helped me by this video you just pushed me from out of these things..lots of love from odisha ❤
She feels loneliness throughout 5yr of mbbbs .....😢😢😢😢😢
Don't worry we are with you ❤
Dii can you help , i really need a help because my health is getting worsen from past 6 months please don't just ignore my comment ... It's a huge request 🙏🏻
Tell me more
Respect for u for bringing out real life problems everyone faces than glorifying the job .thanku
Di , apka vdo mai class 11 th se dekh rahi hun ,, or mai jada kuchh nahi bolungi basss di , i truly love you 😊😊❤❤ ,,,
This is my 1st ever comment on youtube .I just want to tell u that ur such a positive soul.
I gave 2 attempts for neet for me i worked really hard I studied but due to not having good study skills and being a slow learner i couldn't make ot to mbbs seat i took admission in bhms and i don't regret for anything i am just gonna give my 100 percent to this leave rest on god now i just understand you have to let go of things there us difference between reality and delusion now i feel like i got freedom i am happy and thats all
All the best
Oh my god Rashmi dii you replied thank you so muchh ❤
I wish that almighty guide you to right path
Wooooowwww I was almost giving up because i got a year lag in mbbs 1st year due to adjustment issues. Thank you for new hopes 🙏🏻
I am sorry if I say anything wrong but yes you did always seem me sad and depressed in your photos and videos even in convocation photos you didn't seem happy and today you yourself revealed that you weren't happy. Idk what to say I am a beginner so I just hope you heal soon 🤍
How beautifully you describe the real meaning of life ❤ Thanku sis 💕 khush raho
literally this is so helping and humble💖
Hi di I am following u from starting of your channel but I never felt that connection with u but from past 2 videos there is something that is connecting me with you maybe it's your pain
I love writing poem and and I want to share it with u maybe it will resonate with some
Was sleeping during the night in my dream
Just wanting not to awake in the night
To escape the past with cursed memories
Until it was morning
The tingling of light started hurting
Started loving the darkness hunting
The habit of pain was getting deeper
Engraving my core with its sharp sheer
And gradually become habitual
More power to you di, I( first neet dropper) have been feeling low for quite some time but I want to go to a reputed college ( whether it is medicine or not ) , so I have been managing these emotions inside of me for like the past 1 year .
Remember u are stronger than u know
I hope universe guides you where you're meant to be
If you listen closely
@@RASHMIAIIMSDELHI1722A quote or hadees of Our Beloved Prophet (saw) "When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart give it up".. Hope u understand😊
HELLO MA'AM I'M A NEET ASPIRANT (3RD ATTEMPT FOR 2025) and i have been through same disorder like you literally same i still have no friends and i love pets but my lifestyle doesn't allow them but one thing i have with me is to crack that exam next year to get admission to aiims delhi (ik this sounds delusional) but i am surviving this miserable life only by being delusional so why not be delulu for my aim my lust to study in top college of medicine and , but really tysm for this video ur life saver ma'am + best of luck for ur rest of life journey
This is my first time in your channel and I relate many things ❤❤
You should make videos on mental health and how to copeup with mbbs
So beautifully nd courageously u hv discussed this topic. May God bless u. Just do what suits u. Dont rush urself. Be happy.
Are didi kabhi suicide Mt kriyega .. Qki kisi ko frk n prta koi kya kr rha kaise kr rha ... Jo mn kre wo kriye bs family wle ko bta kr ❤.. liver longer dii
Stayyy strong dii ❤and please keep posting videos!! Dont pay heed to any negative commet .... These videos werre so much needed 🤗 i wishhh you start making some shorts where u do ur favt work that is siniging would love to watch it ....stay happy ❤❤keep smiling .....also a little ajeeb comment ... But ur hair looks so mooth 😭😍❣️
Thanks for the compliment
Stay Strong girl❤
Thanks for this video ❤ ❤️❤️
Di just find your happiness.... And will be with you here.
God bless you yrr, happy journey ahead❤, powerful girl literally, its too tough to take these type of decisions
I'm suffering from suicidal thoughts, from delhi cantt, palam, delhi
We always with you dii ❤️
Much needed video ❤
Appreciate you ma'am ❤
You are absolutely right. Brave lady doctor.
I want good minds to become yoga naturopathy nutrition doctors so that sustainable development go up 📈
Parents ko bacho ko 30years tk protect krna chahiye tb tk wo mature nhi hote being a mother in my opinion
God's give life to enjoy every moment. Death is not a ultimately result. So enjoy every moment and be honest.
Amazing video
Glad you think so!
thank you so much di ❤
Thanks doxab ..... I'm also mbbs 2017 batch ..... I'm not interested in this profession
so which alternate career option you ve chosen
@@mansisinha4560 honestly idk ....
Meri toh jindgi iss bhi jyada kharab hai mai toh ek loose hu sach mei mai neet aspirant hu from pcmb padai mei weak toh main 12 ke baad cuet diya mujhe du mei college allot hua par meri pasand ka nahi tha maine ek aur maka manga aur kha ki agle saal ho jayega 😂 iss saal neet Diya nhi hua even cuet diya iss saal bhi bekar course mila bsc in home science ab 3 attempt dena jaa rahi hu i am a big looser😢
Ye mere sth b hua tha na ghr ka rha na ghat ka bdd m🪵🙂
My concentration is getting weak is this sign of mental disorder i am not able to focus as i use to do during school days
If you ever feel you want to die , just remember one thing , nothing is gonna change after your death , your loved once will cry but only for 3 days , after death they will say that " weak minded thi marr gayi " ... This is the reality.... Just stay alive
😢😢😢
True💯
Yes sir
Respect ❤
listen , we don't end our lives to have an impact on our loved ones or to see them suffer in our memories for the rest of their lives , we end lives to put a full stop on our daily sufferings when universe doesn't want to save uh by giving a ray of hope ..and the situation becomes worse ...then we end our lives ....also ,ending our own lives has nothing to do with the world ...
Bilkul sahi kaha apne ❤
Don't worry we are with you ❤
The way you are exposing the honey coated toxicity of Hyped AIIMS or Mbbs life is commendable.For the one who don't really want to be Doctor ,you gonna help them alot by this video.
Dude every sector is like this we are living in capitalist society
@@Arnav-p9i why defaming mbbs, particularly at ug level what sort of toxicity
Dr Rashmi you gave me new hope and another perspective to live peacefully 😢
Thats the goal
Today i understand it's not important where you are whether in AIIMS Delhi or normal college, mental health is above all this . Personally i think ki AIIMS me mental peace h rutaba h and all that but now i know the reality
@@AADHIKRISHNAANIL😂
I think the biggest problem was that you moved from a very small place to a place like AIIMS Delhi and constantly felt the pressure of being different. You always tried to become like them, pretty evident from your videos- talking jn english (even though it wasn’t v good), dressing up etc. I think more than anyone else, it was your own insecurities which troubled you. Add to that the vile youtube comments. It was all a recipe for disaster. I get why you felt so sad constantly and I really am sorry for that.
But whats not acceptable is the way you portrayed your channel. It was all about AIIMS Delhi. All your videos had aiims delhi because thats what got you views. You made it your brand. You sold unrealistic dreams to many innocent minds, asked them to buy so and so courses. You were not a responsible influencer and were a part of the toxic culture yourself. You can give your excuse that everyone does that but all you med influencers promoting that sort of an ideology are a part of the problem. And for that you lost my respect. I respected you for being the girl who worked her ass off to make her dreams come true, but apart from that, all your content was mostly fake.
Anyway, I hope you have finally found peace and I hope you try to be more of yourself now. Please get therapy and there is no problem if someone doesn’t like your lifestyle or how you behave. You dont need to change for others. You do you! And please be a responsible influencer from now onwards, show some authenticity. All the best for your life ahead, Rashmi! More strength to you and come out of this stronger.
I know i did something wrong in the past, and this video was a confession trying atleast to make things right
5 years ?? Seriously u should have dropped out nd have don something fruitful uh urself continued in that mess nd now U r making vedios for sympathy nd views . Three years ago u were making vedios of how to crack aiims Delhi!! Girl seriously have some sense nd think
Highly appreciate you for covering this topic ❤ 👍
Share this
See , she’s back again with new video after uploading the last video “i quit” 😂😂 views ka chakkr babu bhaiya , baby ko bass psnd h or didi ko views psnd h.. if you hav seriously any problem so better to consult a consultant psychiatrist rather than uploading videos
@@Dr.Monty_ syd aap galat ho!
Aur waise bhi di ne video banayi hai to acha hai na yaar unki pichhli video dekh ke lg rha tha vo kitni depressed hai at least vo hum logo ke samne apni feelings share kar rahi aur unko esse happiness mil rhi to achha hi hai na 😊
Warna aaj to hr 6 person me ek do depression me hi hai
Kaun kb kaha kaise... 😔
By the way God bless you!!
@@RASHMIAIIMSDELHI1722do u believe in success means happiness in life 😅
Dr Mam❤❤❤❤
didi honestly after scoring 603 in neet i did not get any college i unsubscribed every neet related yt channels just for the peace of mind... now suddenly this video this video cmae in tl...... just here to say didi take care.
to every neet aspirant ..> remember comparison is thief of joy so dont compare just live your life..
It's okay.i scored 626 and still didn't got a college 😂
@@deepalipurohit6147so what you've decided to do?
I scored 629 still not get any government college 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have also experience that so keep calm
@@deepalipurohit6147 I left this rat race , now pursuing bca from muj.
I am also a neet aspirant. I also feed stray animals and it's my dream to earn a lot so that I can open a shelter for them❤❤❤ loved that you also love animals. Following you since 4 years 😊😊😊
❤
Same here❤
Same here i also love stray animals ❤❤
I am so sorry to say this but now pls stop making such content I am a student I do follow ur channel and by watching ur last vedio n this one it just feels so negative about life how you depect it , why would anyone watch this if they want positivity in their life itna ghatiya asar pdta hai ye sb sunne ka khud ka man bhi waisa hi ho jata hai jbki life itni bhi tough nhi h isse buri buri condition se log nikle h or jeete hain apne field me pls stop doing this for content v, negative you feel these day's pls stop this n be positive!!
It's just a phase of sadness like the phase of success😮 so embrace life is not black n white it's grey
Jaab medical life mai jaogi taab pata chalegaa kitna toxic environment hai .
Door se saab acha lagta hai dekhne mai
I respect your honesty and sharing your story. It will help others to cope up who is suffering similar mental health issues.
WE ALWAYS SUPPORT YOU
Ma'am your resilience has made you the person that you are today.Every single thing that you are today is because of the adversities which you have faced yesterday.
Nicely put
I'm suffering same thing 😢
Constantly past memories repeat hona or itna repeat hona ki dimag thk jata h or bs rona aata h aisa lgta h dimag fatt jayega .
Take psychological or better psychiatrical help soon and make your parents know .I can understand that they might not at first because of social stigmas but take time and let them know...I hope you will recover soon.All the best.God bless you
Same 😢
Let me explain how it feels to be in depression, sleeping just to counter racing thoughts , sometimes overdoing on sleeping pills in order to just sleep, lost appetite, no energy even to wake up, constantly asking why should I live, want to talk to someone but left with no energy to even talk, constant battle with your own mind, questioning every decision of past, self blaming.
Girl you're so strong❤
We support you whatever be your decision!
Guddu bhaiya once a time said.. DO NAO PE SAWAR HONA.. 😅 ( study & youtube ) Medical is very tough not time for any things except study...👐
Emotinal drama, मेहनत करना नी चाहती है जिंदगी में सीधी सी बात है youtuber & influncer बनना चाहती हो आप गलती से इस field में आ गई हो आप, दुख हुआ की किसी अच्छे आदमी का सीट खा गए आप😢😢😢😢
I didn't know that even a doctor could use such ninja techniques just for views. Shameful! First, they glamorized AIIMS so much, and now they've jumped on the trending bandwagon, making up fake stories. People, please don't fall into this trap.
Did u pay to watch this video?
@@RASHMIAIIMSDELHI1722 if this is the reality, then what was everything until now?
people change with time and you have certainly changed now. Its good that you are honest now but for the past 4-5 years you were also one of those youtubers who thrived on the AIIMS-D tag . you could have said all these way before.If i can guess right the only reason of the chaos is not being able to cope up with the superior students who are present there and no one can deny the fact that there will always be difference between a person having rank 1-200 in AIIMS and a person having rank beyond 2000 in AIIMS .They can’t be same. This trend is also observed in IITs also only top rankers(general and OBCs) get well placed.
I had been through the same problem I also quit my engg after scoring 1st division in 1st sem . But after that I faced problem in understanding subjects I asked for all help from teachers but doesn't satisfied with the education and I overthink a lot about my career which led me to depression system like fever , body ache , nervous and anxiety. So I quit my engg and it took 4-5 years to be fine with medicine from Nimhans Bengaluru
VERY GOOD MAM THIS TYPE OF VIDEO ON
LIKE THIS TOPICS VERY LEES CREATOR TALK ABOUT THIS
True
Stay strong....you are my role model ❤❤
Because i don't get what these medico tubers are doing now a days !!you should have switched your content in the beginning ..but you kept doing this to gain neet aspirants subscriber ...i mean i don't know how many pf these kids have taken drops just cz you showed them sun shines amd Rosey beds !! I legit hate hate hate these medic tubers these days the are Hippocratic 😬😬
dii you are really a great example of those who are in the rat race of this world blindly as in some pressure people choose the field in which they are not interested and were conditioned to continue it
Hi I just wanna say that I'm happy that someone is actually talking about this in Hindi no less . I do not see a lot of content creators especially in India talking about it .
Lots of love and appreciation. And Yes A lot of respect to you ❤
Kahi na kahi hum khud ko best banane ke liye logo se compare krna shuru kr dete aur yeh low self confidence paida krne lgta. Stop comparing yourself and start loving and living your unique life. Hope you will be fine soon
No matter u r in a aiims aur any gmc aur any private or a FMG you have to have the courage+ optimism+ motivation to study medicine specifically..
Plzz don't give a fuck to the ppl who argues with you on ur marks, collg and many more , u just have to let ur self feel good first and feel proud in ur self that u chose this course and u will prevail so just beleive on urself!
Dont victmise urself..our government is only responsible for ur state of mind sorry to say
Make ur mind n move on
❤ friend ache ho toh 90% problem sort out ho jaati h❤
Jiske friends he na ho tb?😔
@@Kuldeep_bisht10 toh family h naaa
@@tanusingh4538 ha but family ko utna sab nhi bta skte kuch matters me jitna kisi dost ko..
@@Kuldeep_bisht10 yahh I releat this thing but ab m aisa bhi nhi bol sakti naa ja friends bnaoo kya pta kese ho , but yrrr self company enjoy
Stepping out from the rat race doesn't means that uh r a failure!!example is the Neet ug 2024 scam!!Uh r way stronger than uh believe!! All the best mam ✨
Just so you know I do care about you and I watched your first video years ago and I immediately told my parents about you.. I know you my mum knows you …about the last video you posted I told my mum about that too … my mum was worried for you as well…me and my mum do care about you …just letting you know that there are people for you
But I don't understand why was she bullied?
Exactly i have same story like u
While i was preparing for neet UG i have no depression anxiety issues,but when i enter in medical colleges,i was diagnosed with adjustable disorders in 2nd proff exams.
Later this problem get worse with year and worst when i completed and start preparing for neet pg
All the best
Then why were you glorifying everything till now ...
And literally when now you started to fall ..like not as that -ve ..i mean in studies you didn't get selected ..now you started backbiting. or backattcking. i don't know why you are doing this !!
Im sure and i pray right now what ever you are doing is not just a content or your way of switching
Sahi bola bhai log emotions me beh jate h
Are madum tum kyu bana rahe ho aise video's jo karna hai karo naa negativity faila rahi ho
Nothing but just have to say THANKYOU ❤
May be she is speaking truth or may be this is a way to start something big like any online platform but whatever may everyone live a happy and healthy life 🙏❤
It is very important to have friends. I don't have friends to whom I can tell what's going on in my mind, nor is there anyone who can listen to me...ab lgta ha kuch to ha jo bhot picche chhut gya ha or life aage bdh gyi h bas..🙂
A Girl 19 year old
diagnosed by HIV
she joined acharya Prashant UA-cam sessions
and she is living her life fully
until inevitable comes.
just proud to you.... i have no words....u r so strong from inside...even from now the respect for u increased at another level.....
I am blessed that I watched your video. Now the heaviness which I was feeling inside my heart now all vanished😌😌all the love and wishes to you didi❤❤
Aapke dost kyu ni hai???😢😢
Iska ans nhi mil sakte app...kabhi koi frnds group m jake dekho just observe all the student their mood tab hi samj jayegi app
Thankyou so much di ❤
Aaj ek umeed mili ki sab theek ho jaayega
I am suffering from suicidal thoughts since last 4 months
Take care of yourself, u are important
Par didi ye sab kehne ke liye parents supportive hone chahiye na agar me esa kehti to vo muze aur demotivate kar dete ye kehkar ki baki sab to kar rahe he tu kyu nahi kar pa rahi 😣😣😣😣😣😣😣currently I am neet aspirant but vo abhi bhi supportive nahi he to mbbs me to kaise support karenge. Muze to kabhi kabhi apne problems se jyada isi chij ka dukh hota he ki baki baccho ke tarha mere parents kyu nahi he 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭didi what should I do please raplay please suggest????????
Mere saath bhi kayi baar Aisa hua
Jab main hostel mein rehti thi 11th & 12th aur jab mujhe jarurat hoti thi apne parents ki toh woh khud nhi aate the aur kayi baar woh mere friend ke papa ke saath kuch cheezein bas bhejte the.
Kabhi kabhi toh mere papa aate the aur sirf padhayi ki baatein karte the.
It's ok but tab se main logon se kuch expectations rakhna chod di even my parents & bas khud par focus karna start Kiya.
Self-love, Self-respect, Self-happiness, Self-proud bahut zaroori hai. Inn sab ko khona mat.sirf ye hamesha rahenge.
Also help others when they are in need bcz this is the part of Self-happiness.
@@naturelover814 self love, self-respect, self confidence ye sab automatically aajata he jab parents sath ho 😣😣😣😣😣😣😣
I don't want to say anything.....I trust you ma'am.....and yes... you are my inspiration ❤️❤️❤️
Nobody tells this side of life...thank u di for covering this...appreciate your courage.Lots of love ❤
I want to write it sooooooo badly that I'm always told what to do but what actualllyyy I want to do is I DON'T KNOW. I gave my 2nd attempt this year uninterestingly this year too I couldn't clear it ghar pe aisa padhne wala environmentmilta hi nai aur this was my late grandfather's dream, he wanted either me or my elder brother to pursue mbbs. And my father who is also a doc himself, has always tried his level best to impose the same proff on us. But my brother too tried his best to not let him do that, now came my turn and now Im in delimma , I feel soooooo lost soooo stucked soooo uncertain on what's been happening , there's no inner voice neither in my favor nor against. Bas jo bol re hain karte raho krte raho Unka aur sbka pride bacahte rho ,,,,,,,,,,,, pta ni kyaaaaaaaaaaaa hi chlta h
I will share this video , who knows this can save a life and advise them that if they feel suicidal then keep watching this video .
Yes
Heyy Queen u drop this.👑
Di you should and must watch the podcast Dr Wendy Suzuki with diary of ceo. It is important and she does teaches how to survive alone🙏🏻
Aapko animals bahot pasand ha agar aapne veterinary kia hota toh sayd aap bahot khush rehti
Didi, i am also from bihar. I would request you to do "Inner Engineering" program. It would transform yourself completely. I'm talking from personal experience. I really can feel you what you're going through, and only solution is inner engineering, at least for me. Please try it, with an unprejudiced mind. I've been a witness to your life from last 5-6 years through youtube and i appreciate your honesty. Considered you my elder sister, thus requested you to do IE. Best wishes di🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼