I was always told, if you’re calling it a situationship the other person is calling it nothing. Leave them where they stand, they will never commit or value you properly. Just a waste of time.
“Properly” is a subjective word… He may feel he is valuing you “properly”, but if you feel he is not… you’re just not compatible… And you should look for someone who can better meet your needs… Without blaming the other person for not being who you needed them to be for you…
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
The only way to change a situationship with an avoidant, is to leave. As soon as you recognize the person you are dealing with is an avoidant, leave! Because nothing will change. They are a waste of time and the only things they are good at is self-sabotaging; leaving a path of destruction and hurt behind them... 🙄
funny story I (FA) had a longgg overdue talk with my DA about how I don’t wanna be in this situationship anymore because I want a relationship, bc I have feelings for him. And what he said was: “We’re not in a situationship, we’re just having fun”. 🙃 Fyi this *having fun* had been going on for 4 YEARS. 🙂 Just the irony of how DA’s are now avoiding labeling their situationship… when that label exists due to them not labeling relationships. And him saying it’s not a situationship hurt me. It made me feel the way that you’re supposed to feel when you think you’ve been dating someone and catching feelings but all this time they were thinking of you as just a fwb. But instead I’m feeling this way about me thinking this was a situationship… what?? Sure dude “we’re just having fun” omfg. I ended it with him btw. Me being FA I’ve tried leaving it soo many times but I’ve been able to go no-contact for longer than a month now yay!!! So proud of me.
Oh man. I've been here. Now that I've done some healing, I say what I want upfront so there's no confusion. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with "having fun" as long as both people are aware that's all it is. That's not usually the case though. I have an old high school acquaintance that was telling me that right before he met his wife, he had a "FWB" or situationship thing going with another woman for a few years. I don't think he's avoidant, but anyway she wanted more and he liked it for what it was. Then his wife came along and that other woman was crushed. It's so mean. It's one thing to "test the waters" with someone for a few months to see if there's future potential. But to keep it going for years is pretty shitty unless it's regularly discussed that it's casual so you're on the same page. I'm sorry. 😢
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I agree! And that’s on me for staying in it while knowing I had feelings, but I learned a lot now for the future. One of the reasons I finally stopped it is because I got real with myself and said I will be crushed when he falls in love with another woman, and I don’t wanna be around to witness it happening. So I got out before that could happen. I guess he doesn’t see it as a situationship because to him there are no feelings involved. So yeah true it’s painful when you both are on different pages and for years. The only way out is finally having an honest conversation and you either get on the same page or it ends.
@@jiminisafairy6243 Smart. I come on here defending DA's a lot because I think so many are great people, but they also don't always know how to properly manage their way through relationship stages. Regardless of attachment, I absolutely loathe the in-between stage. It grosses me out because most people who do this don't even consider the other person and what they want. But then, when the other person doesn't speak up that poses an issue too. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but unless it's a one night stand, I feel like it's common knowledge that gliding into a relationship is kind of expected after at least 6 months or so...def by a year lol. Maybe not marriage or kids, but a label shouldn't be that big a deal. I'm a healing FA/SA and I will always let someone know by 3 months or so if I see it going anywhere. I won't keep it going if I don't either. Wasting people's time a kind of a shit move. Men don't realize how often women get asked out. I'm bummed when I think back at some guys I turned down in the past. Imagine they were "the one" and I said no because I was entertaining a turd? Lol
@@DrMommyB and I still don't understand why I have this...the only moment I remember from childhood related to the death of someone, is when one of my cats died from a car accident while we were away with relatives and before leaving I had a feeling that something bad would have happened and we needed to wait for him to come home and to lock him inside with the other cat...my parents and relatives pressured to go and when we were back home the cat was dead (my previews cats died too but this time I had that feeling and I've always blamed myself for his death)
@@user-js4mt1nr2y I had those fears too but not anymore, or at least they don't have power. But I still struggle with abandonment in romantic relationships only when I have strong feelings and in this case I lean more anxious, while usually I lean more avoidant
This hits so hard as I was in a Situationship with a DA for over three years. I knew the exact moment that confirmed I truly meant nothing to this person was when I was sitting with my my friend at a bar having a drink. My DA Situationship walked in and threw his arms around my friend, and I as if we were all just good old bar drinking buddies and I like we are all just good ol’ bar buddies and didn’t acknowledge the person that he had been dating for three years a.k.a. me something special. I was nothing to him. I asked him if he would give me a kiss and he looked at me as if he had just drank poison. Very painful!!
Oh man, that is a horrible feeling to have. 3 years is a long time, I don't really understand how men still don't get the feels properly after all that time. I'm making myself end a closer connection with a friend after a month because this is exactly how I never want to feel around him. Hugs.
My FA ex told me labelling the relationship would have given him a psychological burden because he keeps seeing his colleagues fighting with their partners or divorcing...we were exclusive since day 1, things were great, awesome connection and everything was easy and guess what? He sabotaged our healthy relationship and pulled away 😢 creating your own prophecy 😢😢
@@linzigarton7669 I'm FA too and will never say it too but, even though my parents were not a good model for a healthy relationships, I had few really good examples (first my grandparents and my dad's English aunt & uncle) of loving relationships (and fortunately I've spent quite a lot of time with my grandparents) and I've always been an hopeless romantic and had healthy relationships. But my FA ex is really messy and full of fears/wounds and didn't even have healthy relationships (he had only one relationship in his entire life and it was pretty a mess), so I can understand why he has this vision, even though he was acting like he was in a committed relationship and was really good at it, but in his mind relationships end up always bad
@@linzigarton7669 I don't say it too, never even if I'm Fa, but my ex has so many wounds and fears and didn't have positive experiences with relationships
Wow! Amazing video, thank you! I’m dating a DA and I’m a recovering AP. I see a lot of similarities in my boyfriend’s behavior. Fear of enmeshment (even when I haven’t brought up additional commitment, it has indeed been in his subconscious, based on his marriage and painful divorce 5 yrs ago). I’m giving him space, going at his pace, and keeping my own needs in mind too. This video helps me understand him better. Thank you, Thais!
Hi, I love your content. I’m a DA but really trying to be better and learn how to become secure. Your videos are helpful but often are about people who have partners that are avoidant and how they should deal with them. Could you do more on how a DA can heal their attachment style or what patterns they need to be aware of in themselves ?
That's what the school is for. This is the sales pitch. They're good videos that help me understand what the issues are and where they come from, but doing the healing work will cost you unfortunately.
Thais has a new book out called Learning Love and it’s affordable. (I can’t afford the school/courses, but I’m reading the book and it tells you steps to become Secure .)
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, period. So... If he ignores me I will step back and he will lose me. I don’t play any of these childish abusive controlling mind-games. I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me, and treats me as the Queen that I AM. Because I am a beautiful and kind and sexy and wise and magical woman: who knows my worth. Period. Whenever you are alone, remind yourself that GOD has sent everyone else away, so that there is only you and him... Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you. YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE IN ECSTATIC MOTION, BABY! Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes... For those who love with their heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens (It is only then, that GOD can truly totally completely fully enter)! Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart. --- Rumi
Hi, do you have or can you make a video that definitively defines the differences and similarities between the apparent "subcategories" that seem to exist within the Avoidant attachment style? Fearful, Anxious and Dismissive are terms used that really need to be differentiated clearly so everyone understands the dynamics between them and what the differences are.
Hey, it took me a while but now I know them per heart, there are four: -secure attachment style (the healthiest one) -AP (Anxious/preoccupied) the one that needs emotional closeness the most when anxiety rises -DA (Dismissive/Avoidant) the "coldest" one, the one who often feels mentally single and highly values their alone time and discovery -FA (Fearful/Avoidant or disorganized attachment style) the one that has elements of both DA and AP and acts rather chaotic, probably the one having the biggest commitment issues Thais made a mistake in the title, she wrote Avoidant but she really meant the name fearful avoidant, like she keeps saying throughout the video Hope this helps! The word fearful avoidant can be misleading
Anxious-leaning FA here; Leave. One word answer. Situationship is not going to change on the avoidant side... Magic thinking. Especially if a purely dismissive person. Ruhro raggy 🫣.
What makes you decide whether a person for you is a relationship or situationship person? What does the relationship one give you (or have in character) that the situationship person doesn't?
Just left a 3 year “situationship” with a DA yesterday… I thought it was a real relationship for a portion of it. He told me it was just “friendship” & he doesn’t want me. Never has wanted me. But there were times over this 3 years where he said I was everything he wanted in a woman & sees me as his future wife. I highly suggest leaving…don’t waste your time like me. I’m a FA. There were so many times I thought we were progressing, just for us to go back to this. It’s not worth the pain. They are a lost cause, unless they actually value changing themselves.
4 years here girl. It makes me feel better to know other ppl have had a years long situationship bc so far I’ve been thinking I was the only one. We’re in this together! 🫂 I’m FA and no-contact has been painful but I’m still going strong 💖
My heart goes out to you. Just ended a two year similar situation. He told me I was the one and then he told me it was all just an experience for him and he really wanted someone more house wifey and less career oriented. I feel your pain.
This is NOT advice for what to do in a situationship,but simply laying out what a aituationship look like. Can you please do a video on what to actually do to get past a situationship?
Yes, she did better videos than this one. And to be honest: although I fully understand that someone wants to advertise for her business, the advertisements that are weaved through this vlog doesn’t make the explanation of the subject very clear. It would have been better if she put those advertisements in the beginning or end of the video.
@@nicholastracy4915 Yep....a very good description of an unhealthy and non-committal "relationship" for the most part. It's just another term for a FWB.
DA’s don’t even wanna call their situationships “situationship” out of avoidance of a label. Mine said “We’re not in a situationship. We’re just having fun”… After talking everyday for 4 years… so you’re afraid to commit to a situationship now are you? istg next thing we know they’re gonna be scared of “having fun”. “We’re not having fun, we’re just existing at the same time”
I’ve watched so many FA videos trying to understand the person I love that I eventually came to understand that I’m an FA or someone with several FA behaviours myself.😳
If it's a DA, it's never a two person relationship. They always have one foot firmly out of the door. You're only hurting yourself as you won't change these people. They're highly stubborn and short minded.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy I do see the humor in it. I just asked him yesterday if he was sloooowly moving out or if he really liked living with one foot out the door. His reply was that he just liked keeping his options open.
Yes, I am. We've been in this for 3 years. We broke up for four months because he wouldn't commit but missed each other so we're back but he's expressing that he's terrified of sharing a life with someone after his painful toxic 11 year relationship, that he has major fears around vulnerability and connection but that he wants to change ... and yet he's terrified of how much work is going to be involved and how scary it's going to feel. I'm encouraging him to take it one small step at a time and I've recommended EMDR therapy and 12 step for sex and love addiction issues (which healed me so much) but I'm trying hard not to take a therapist/mother role and to set my own boundaries while letting him have his own journey. And a journey it is!
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
I had no idea until listening to Thais' videos that there was such a thing as a situationship. Then I realized I had been in one for at least 5 years and was very codependent. I had suffered so much trying to figure out why, based on him saying things like I was the helpmate he had been praying for, it never went anywhere beyond him always wanting me to be there. Again, thank you, Thais, for opening my eyes and helping me realize I wasn't crazy! I'm now testing 'secure', trying to see if it can possibly be just a friendship. It's not looking good...
My FA ex had HUGE trust issues with my ability to make money and meet her financial needs. Never communicated or tried to work it out. She self sabotaged the healthy relationship once I met her family 💔
Its confusing.I've been seeing this guy for over a year now.Its like he could hide his dark side from me,but when we went on vaccation 2 weeks ago, i really got a reality check.He was acting avoidant and hot and cold and i could feel his stress from time to time,when we had disacreements.I really wish to be a seccure partner-with or without him.
Im 55yrs ild hes 68, this is our 3rd attempt in 22 yrs, i always end up walking away bc i feel so unstable. When he said to me hes not ready, i walked away again only to prove what he was already scared of...roller-coaster all rhe way😢
One of the biggest reasons why relationships with APs are so triggering for FAs is that APs want from the FA exactly what the FA fears about relationships. Not a great combination.
@@atmodlee how? They are two insecure attachment styles. FAs vacillation between closeness and extreme distances which create chaos. It’s the idealization of a loved one and right after devaluation. Not healthy
Thais, first, I love your videos and appreciate all you do! But I have noticed for some reason people’s comments on your videos are far more judgmental, unkind and frankly just not very thoughtful or insightful, as compared to other similar channels I subscribe to…it’s weird.
I'm an FA and I want my DA to label our situationship. He treats me like a princess, and asks me to "Just give me time". All his friends and his Mum know about me but he still won't label what we have after 8 months. I don't know if that's a bad thing
@@whiggygirlLeave! I’m a FA too & went through this for 3 years with a DA. Took 9 months for him to decide to be official with me. Just for him to tell me yesterday he never really wanted me & he saw me as a friend the whole time. This is after meeting his whole family, living together, talking almost daily, vacationing together. Blocked him yesterday & I’m completely done‼️
@tieraladiosa thanks but I don't want to leave. Tomorrow isn't promised and he makes me very happy NOW. I don't want any more from him than he's currently giving. I'd like a title, yes. But he fulfils me in every single other way
(FA) I ended up in a situationship "on accident" because I didn't know I had commitment issues and that I would feel so trapped in a relationship with the wrong person only weeks after that person asked me out and I said yes. Now I keep a safe distance and struggle every day with understanding if this person is right for me or not, and nobody seems to be able to help. So I'm causing a situationship to someone but it's only cause I'm dead scared of hurting them too much by leaving too soon, or leaving too late when they've invested so much in it.
I've learned it's best to let the woman decide when and where the relationship is going. I don't discuss commitment unless she brings it up first and I date other women in the meantime. My focus is always on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, letting a woman come to me at her pace, not mine. For example, I have an FA friend who I became interested in dating. She told me she wanted to remain friends (which was understandable) and so I left it at that, not mentioning it again. Then she saw me meeting and dating other women and essentially got jealous, changing her mind on things. Then one night while we were hanging out together she says, "do you want a serious relationship with me?" I was actually taken back for a second because I had been so focused on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up that I didn't even see it coming. She then said, "I know you have other girls around you," which was codespeak for "I'm worried I'll have to compete with them." You have to let people come to you at their pace, not yours.
@@zeenuf00 well I would say they are all attracted to similar traits. When you look at the bigger picture, it's actually a good thing. They're so competitive by nature (just in different ways) that they certainly keep you in your toes. For example, I told a female friend of mine that I was going to start training and competing in Judo and asked her if she would like to come and watch the shiai (competitions). She said, "absolutely, but you had better give me a good show!" 😂😁💪🏿🥋
Ew I am a Fa women and the opposite. Men always try to get as much as possible for as little as possible commitment or effort. Why would I let someone give all the relationship benefits without him being able to articulate their feelings or wish to go towards a relationship? Because in most cases that just gets you used. A man is 99% looking for sex, just look at the dating apps they fully admit it. It's therefor the mans job to show they have sincere feelings and intentions. I therefor would choose in your situation friendship as you haven't been able to show intent and didn't confess any feelings. And I would therefor not care if I would feel jealous or feelings myself as a partner I want is a partner that treats me right and would choose me. I wouldn't want to "win" from other women as I am not fighting or competing to be chosen. You want me or not and this should be reflected in your words and actions.
@@user-js4mt1nr2y sounds like you either haven't been choosing the RIGHT men or the men you actually WANT aren't interested in a relationship with you. Either way, you're making ASSUMPTIONS about the relationship between me and my FA and if she had YOUR attitude, I wouldn't go beyond a casual acquaintance. This is just based on what you've presented here, but I digress... That said, I don't stand around and wait for women to decide whether or not they're interested in me. It's either a yes or a no and if it's NOT a yes, then it IS a no. Life is short and I have a long list of goals I may not even get to ACCOMPLISH in my lifetime, so I'm not going to wait around while someone "figures it out." If she NEEDS time to consider things that's fine, but I'm going to date other women in the meantime.
It makes us feel unloved and not cared for if they don’t commit. I’ve been personalizing it and taking it personal. He wants to continue to see what happens for us and I don’t. This is normal to him. He see no problem with it
I was in a situationship with an FA. But guess what? He was in a real relationship with someone else, she had his baby, was buying her flowers and putting in effort he wouldn’t for me. He was telling her he loved her, not me. I was being used. She’s being used. He would tell me how fragile his heart is and be so gentle… for himself. He cared about his own feelings/needs/wants… not mine and not hers. She’s not more lucky than me even tho he was slightly more committed to her than me. She thinks she won. She won nothing. He still texts me. I’m done. She can settle. Let these ppl go. Don’t try to underStand them. He ruined me
Thank you. Thais. I'm sure this. and PDS materials can prove very helpful to secure (or other) people in identifying they're in a relationship or situationship with an FA or DA, and to FA's themselves. After 60 years, I learned about attachment styles and trauma/ CPTSD from PDS, actually, after I took attachment style test (3 times) and each time came back as FA. I lost a great partner. and am in "No Contact" with someone who really was my everything, and I just didn't put in the work and reciprocate consistently. We do have a lot of great memories. If you're FA, do the work - PDS, counseling, 12 step rooms if addiction was an issue like it is with me. Thais, my request for a video or course - may be a bit long, but I would like to fully describe it. Advice for FAs if the other person "finally" ended it, and FA made attempt to apologize and /or make amends (phone, email, text, in person) and the response was harsh and accusatory; for example accusing FA of only talking about their pain and not the other person's, or if plans were still made like a concert, of accusing FA of seeing the concert or attending event and only caring about other person as a "token" when in fact FA always enjoyed experiences with and because of sharing them with that person. So, addressing how to apologize in a way that really shows empathy, and that we understand what it felt like to leave them lonely, sidelined, not getting their needs met, us not initiating text or phone often enough, making them feel anxious, etc. So how to make amends and truly apologize when we're afraid to contact them again. This assumes there was no abuse, of course. In my case there was no abuse, although my avoidance probably was a form of it, for which I feel horrible. I also need to make amends to her Sister. So how to truly apologize with deep understanding and empathy for ex partner when you are afraid it will be met with harsh response, no response, or something we may be better off not knowing - like if they're in a new relationship. Also, how to really get to place where we're doing the work for ourselves. Heart of hearts, I kind of want the external validation from her, I want her to know I'm trying to improve myself, become more aware, and STOP the FA behaviors - at same time do this for me because I may never see or hear from her again. Also, I keep scrolling her social media for "reassurance" that all our pictures are still on her wall (they are, at this time) I know cognitively this is very unhealthy, but I feel like it's all I have (and since FB does not show who views your profile unless it's in form of a story). I guess this is a form of quiet social stalking and I hate myself for doing it and feel like I'm trying to be "close" to her, which of course is an illusion. I put a lot of this in 1st person description of my situation, but am asking for a new course or longer video about this, please. Finally, I took the breakup course, and it did help to try and equilibrate some things, but she truly did nothing wrong, and I'm saturated in guilt and regret with seemingly no way out. It's affecting my work and fitness and I think is starting take toll in my mental health.
God, this hurt to listen to. I was dating a guy for months and things were so great. I kept telling my friends that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we made things official, I immediately felt overwhelmed and shut down and ended things. But I never got over him and we remained friends and in this confusing situationship. I know we’re just hurting each other. I’m trying to communicate better.
Hi, Thais, thank you for the time and enlightening information you put in all your videos. I've recently dove into attachment styles. I am an AP who's been with a DA, off & on (of course) for 20 years in March of this year. We're struggling again, and I REALLY want to make this work. I've finally gotten him to say he'll commit to the course. I have 2 questions I keep having trouble with: 1) Is it possible to be a true DA, but really dive in feet first at the beginning of a relationship? Because he was the pursuer of our relationship at first, and he bordered on obsessive. His perseverance paid off, I fell deeply in love, and he backed off over time when he got me. He doesn't classify as FA, yet he acted as an AP, but only at first in both relationships we've had 4 years apart. None of that behavior is present anymore. 2) Is it possible to be a true DA, but NOT have a the childhood you described they typically have? I've wondered if I have caused him to become this way, being that we got together so young, and have been doing this anxious-avoidant dance for 20 years. It's true his mother brushed things under the rug, but his grandparents didn't, and he's very well loved. In a way, he's actually coddled. There was no painful anythings to really cause him to associate pain with relationships... unless I caused it. There has never been any unfaithfulness, but I'm apparently really ugly with my mouth. He sees it's all bath and no bite. That's another thing. I'm DEFINITELY AP. However, I don't have any issue commination my needs, they had rarely get met. I'll get a nod like he's on board and understands everything I've pointed out, but work is rarely put into it. Meanwhile, it feels like all I do is put in effort, and it's requiring more & more over the years. We both want to save this relationship, but he has lost faith that we will work, and I'm stuck on screaming in my head, "We could if you'd actually work on things." I don't know what to do. As I said before, he has finally agreed, but you can tell he has no faith in the course, and thinks very little of any therapy for relationships. He strongly believes you shouldn't have a need for therapy if the relationship is meant to work; it just should, and he is stuck on how good we were for the first few years. Please advise me on what to do.
I know you're a busy woman, and my comment is ridiculously long, but PLEASE help us. We're close to imploding again,, and this time, it's it. I felt the need to give you a bit of background. I would SO appreciate if you could advise me on how to get him into the anxious-avoidant trap course. We both need major work, but I'm more than willing, and this resonates so deeply with me. It feels like this is what we need, but of course, I have reservations about it due to his unwillingness to really get in there. I'd also love to find out if there's something within one of your courses that can further "test" to see where he fits on the scale of avoidant.
@@Mileys_choiceI won't give relationship advice but if he shows signs of DA and AP, he's probably FA (I'm an FA). We go back and forth between AP/DA, some lean towards one side more than the other more often, some cycle rapidly, idk we're just on a rollercoaster. I can relate to things in her videos on AP and DA since I'm FA. The deeper we go in a relationship, the more afraid we become aka more toxic/insecure (which may come out as more DA or AP depending on the person or even the moment!). FAs want intimacy but once we have it, we become afraid, it feels too vulnerable. Which makes sense if he was really loving in the beginning and then pushes you away. Also FAs usually develop this way because love/security was inconsistent, maybe his grandparents loved him well, not sure what his mom's issue is (sweeping things under the rug probably didn't feel good to him), and you didn't mention his dad or why he was around his grandparents so much. Why don't you think he's FA? I can't blame commenters on this channel that say FAs are the most toxic because we're on an emotional rollercoaster and drag our partners through with us (well at least if someone lets us/stays). At least DAs are consistent 😂 but I think it might've been on this channel, she mentioned once that FAs are the most addicting to be with since we give inconsistent rewards Has he taken her test yet? Idk if he's FA but it is taking me an incredible amount of effort and dedication to heal myself
Her test used to give percentages, it's disappointing it doesn't anymore. When I take it now, it says I'm FA. But it used to say like 40% FA, 40% DA, 10% AP, 10% secure. I'm an FA that leans DA usually
Alright so he broke up with me then came back after a month loves talking with me…two weeks later let’s get back together…48 hours later it’s too complicated what if he starts feeling unsatisfied again he scared it won’t work….so does this advice also pertain to an ex
You know what often happens to women with avoidant attachment problems? Guys with experience pump and dump them because they can tend to be easy to pick up. I used to be one of those guys. I could spot a woman with attachment issues a mile off. Easy game. Then I started to feel remorse about it, and stopped. Now I just avoid these women. It's not fun mucking around in other people's unhealed trauma. Yep. It's a cold world out there. Work on getting better.
I was always told, if you’re calling it a situationship the other person is calling it nothing. Leave them where they stand, they will never commit or value you properly. Just a waste of time.
Call his bluff. Go no contact. They usually test your standards and see if you're actually a high value woman.
“Properly” is a subjective word…
He may feel he is valuing you “properly”, but if you feel he is not… you’re just not compatible…
And you should look for someone who can better meet your needs…
Without blaming the other person for not being who you needed them to be for you…
Wow😂
@@basicinfo2022Yes! I’m still being tested. I’ve passed so far😂
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
The only way to change a situationship with an avoidant, is to leave. As soon as you recognize the person you are dealing with is an avoidant, leave! Because nothing will change. They are a waste of time and the only things they are good at is self-sabotaging; leaving a path of destruction and hurt behind them... 🙄
What if they commit to work on themselves? Not everyone is doomed
100% AGREE
So true. Don't ever go back.
funny story I (FA) had a longgg overdue talk with my DA about how I don’t wanna be in this situationship anymore because I want a relationship, bc I have feelings for him. And what he said was: “We’re not in a situationship, we’re just having fun”. 🙃 Fyi this *having fun* had been going on for 4 YEARS. 🙂 Just the irony of how DA’s are now avoiding labeling their situationship… when that label exists due to them not labeling relationships. And him saying it’s not a situationship hurt me. It made me feel the way that you’re supposed to feel when you think you’ve been dating someone and catching feelings but all this time they were thinking of you as just a fwb. But instead I’m feeling this way about me thinking this was a situationship… what?? Sure dude “we’re just having fun” omfg. I ended it with him btw. Me being FA I’ve tried leaving it soo many times but I’ve been able to go no-contact for longer than a month now yay!!! So proud of me.
Oh man. I've been here. Now that I've done some healing, I say what I want upfront so there's no confusion. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with "having fun" as long as both people are aware that's all it is. That's not usually the case though.
I have an old high school acquaintance that was telling me that right before he met his wife, he had a "FWB" or situationship thing going with another woman for a few years. I don't think he's avoidant, but anyway she wanted more and he liked it for what it was. Then his wife came along and that other woman was crushed. It's so mean. It's one thing to "test the waters" with someone for a few months to see if there's future potential. But to keep it going for years is pretty shitty unless it's regularly discussed that it's casual so you're on the same page. I'm sorry. 😢
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I agree! And that’s on me for staying in it while knowing I had feelings, but I learned a lot now for the future. One of the reasons I finally stopped it is because I got real with myself and said I will be crushed when he falls in love with another woman, and I don’t wanna be around to witness it happening. So I got out before that could happen. I guess he doesn’t see it as a situationship because to him there are no feelings involved. So yeah true it’s painful when you both are on different pages and for years. The only way out is finally having an honest conversation and you either get on the same page or it ends.
@@jiminisafairy6243 Smart. I come on here defending DA's a lot because I think so many are great people, but they also don't always know how to properly manage their way through relationship stages. Regardless of attachment, I absolutely loathe the in-between stage. It grosses me out because most people who do this don't even consider the other person and what they want. But then, when the other person doesn't speak up that poses an issue too. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but unless it's a one night stand, I feel like it's common knowledge that gliding into a relationship is kind of expected after at least 6 months or so...def by a year lol. Maybe not marriage or kids, but a label shouldn't be that big a deal. I'm a healing FA/SA and I will always let someone know by 3 months or so if I see it going anywhere. I won't keep it going if I don't either. Wasting people's time a kind of a shit move. Men don't realize how often women get asked out. I'm bummed when I think back at some guys I turned down in the past. Imagine they were "the one" and I said no because I was entertaining a turd? Lol
Thus why it is so important BEFORE You even meet, to vett for marriage ( or what you want), and weed out the bad apples.
Many Avoidants are attracted to high value women. Don’t be sexual so quickly👌
As an FA I don't fear commitment, I only fear that they will leave me and/or die unexpectedly, only if I have strong feelings
Same
Grieving the living by anticipating death of connection is hard. That's how it feels because that's our experience. Makes sense and is sad.
@@DrMommyB and I still don't understand why I have this...the only moment I remember from childhood related to the death of someone, is when one of my cats died from a car accident while we were away with relatives and before leaving I had a feeling that something bad would have happened and we needed to wait for him to come home and to lock him inside with the other cat...my parents and relatives pressured to go and when we were back home the cat was dead (my previews cats died too but this time I had that feeling and I've always blamed myself for his death)
Sounds more like anxious fears. As a Fa I fear being used, mistreated and abused when I am the most vulnerable, in love and dependent.
@@user-js4mt1nr2y I had those fears too but not anymore, or at least they don't have power. But I still struggle with abandonment in romantic relationships only when I have strong feelings and in this case I lean more anxious, while usually I lean more avoidant
This hits so hard as I was in a Situationship with a DA for over three years. I knew the exact moment that confirmed I truly meant nothing to this person was when I was sitting with my my friend at a bar having a drink. My DA Situationship walked in and threw his arms around my friend, and I as if we were all just good old bar drinking buddies and I like we are all just good ol’ bar buddies and didn’t acknowledge the person that he had been dating for three years a.k.a. me something special. I was nothing to him. I asked him if he would give me a kiss and he looked at me as if he had just drank poison. Very painful!!
Oh man, that is a horrible feeling to have. 3 years is a long time, I don't really understand how men still don't get the feels properly after all that time. I'm making myself end a closer connection with a friend after a month because this is exactly how I never want to feel around him. Hugs.
My FA ex told me labelling the relationship would have given him a psychological burden because he keeps seeing his colleagues fighting with their partners or divorcing...we were exclusive since day 1, things were great, awesome connection and everything was easy and guess what? He sabotaged our healthy relationship and pulled away 😢 creating your own prophecy 😢😢
I’m FA and I would never feel that or say that , I’m sorry
@@linzigarton7669 I'm FA too and will never say it too but, even though my parents were not a good model for a healthy relationships, I had few really good examples (first my grandparents and my dad's English aunt & uncle) of loving relationships (and fortunately I've spent quite a lot of time with my grandparents) and I've always been an hopeless romantic and had healthy relationships. But my FA ex is really messy and full of fears/wounds and didn't even have healthy relationships (he had only one relationship in his entire life and it was pretty a mess), so I can understand why he has this vision, even though he was acting like he was in a committed relationship and was really good at it, but in his mind relationships end up always bad
Same
I'm sorry...
@@linzigarton7669 I don't say it too, never even if I'm Fa, but my ex has so many wounds and fears and didn't have positive experiences with relationships
I love how Thais explains the root cause of things!!
Wow! Amazing video, thank you! I’m dating a DA and I’m a recovering AP. I see a lot of similarities in my boyfriend’s behavior. Fear of enmeshment (even when I haven’t brought up additional commitment, it has indeed been in his subconscious, based on his marriage and painful divorce 5 yrs ago). I’m giving him space, going at his pace, and keeping my own needs in mind too. This video helps me understand him better. Thank you, Thais!
Sounds identical to my guy😮
Hi, I love your content. I’m a DA but really trying to be better and learn how to become secure. Your videos are helpful but often are about people who have partners that are avoidant and how they should deal with them. Could you do more on how a DA can heal their attachment style or what patterns they need to be aware of in themselves ?
That's what the school is for. This is the sales pitch. They're good videos that help me understand what the issues are and where they come from, but doing the healing work will cost you unfortunately.
Thais has a new book out called Learning Love and it’s affordable. (I can’t afford the school/courses, but I’m reading the book and it tells you steps to become Secure .)
Another excellent video, full resonance with my attachment style. Always appreciated
A man who loves a woman will not ignore her, period.
So...
If he ignores me
I will step back
and he will lose me.
I don’t play any of these childish abusive controlling mind-games.
I will only be with a man who values and appreciates me,
and treats me as the Queen that I AM.
Because I am a beautiful and kind and sexy and wise and magical woman:
who knows my worth.
Period.
Whenever you are alone, remind yourself
that GOD has sent everyone else away,
so that there is only you
and him...
Do not feel lonely,
the entire universe is inside you.
YOU ARE THE UNIVERSE IN ECSTATIC MOTION, BABY!
Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes...
For those who love with their heart and soul
there is no such thing as separation.
You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens
(It is only then, that GOD can truly totally completely fully enter)!
Our greatest strength lies in the gentleness and tenderness of our heart.
--- Rumi
Hi, do you have or can you make a video that definitively defines the differences and similarities between the apparent "subcategories" that seem to exist within the Avoidant attachment style? Fearful, Anxious and Dismissive are terms used that really need to be differentiated clearly so everyone understands the dynamics between them and what the differences are.
She has tons of videos about that.
@@YamileYemoonyah OK so can you link me to at least one?
@@CK3CK3 I would have to go to her channel, use the search function and search for the relevant videos. You can do the same thing for yourself :)
Hey, it took me a while but now I know them per heart, there are four:
-secure attachment style (the healthiest one)
-AP (Anxious/preoccupied) the one that needs emotional closeness the most when anxiety rises
-DA (Dismissive/Avoidant) the "coldest" one, the one who often feels mentally single and highly values their alone time and discovery
-FA (Fearful/Avoidant or disorganized attachment style) the one that has elements of both DA and AP and acts rather chaotic, probably the one having the biggest commitment issues
Thais made a mistake in the title, she wrote Avoidant but she really meant the name fearful avoidant, like she keeps saying throughout the video
Hope this helps! The word fearful avoidant can be misleading
Check out Adam Lane Smith. He has 2 categories per attachment.
They drop the other shoe themselves
Hey - the video content doesn't match the title. You are talking about FA but the title and intro say avoidant.
FA's are avoidants too though.
do WHAT?
lil too late. She ran away. With another dude.
Anxious-leaning FA here; Leave. One word answer. Situationship is not going to change on the avoidant side... Magic thinking. Especially if a purely dismissive person.
Ruhro raggy 🫣.
What makes you decide whether a person for you is a relationship or situationship person? What does the relationship one give you (or have in character) that the situationship person doesn't?
the more secure we become, the more unattractive the insecure become
Dealing with an avoidant is a fools errand
Exactly!
Just left a 3 year “situationship” with a DA yesterday…
I thought it was a real relationship for a portion of it.
He told me it was just “friendship” & he doesn’t want me. Never has wanted me.
But there were times over this 3 years where he said I was everything he wanted in a woman & sees me as his future wife.
I highly suggest leaving…don’t waste your time like me. I’m a FA. There were so many times I thought we were progressing, just for us to go back to this.
It’s not worth the pain. They are a lost cause, unless they actually value changing themselves.
4 years here girl. It makes me feel better to know other ppl have had a years long situationship bc so far I’ve been thinking I was the only one. We’re in this together! 🫂 I’m FA and no-contact has been painful but I’m still going strong 💖
Same here 😢 hard lesson learned
Thankyiu for sharing. It helps me a lot . It hasn't been easy, I just need to moving forward 🙏🏻❤️🩹
Had a DA leave after a 5+ year relationship where we were growing over time but she stopped showing up and decided to run away. 💔💔💔
My heart goes out to you. Just ended a two year similar situation. He told me I was the one and then he told me it was all just an experience for him and he really wanted someone more house wifey and less career oriented. I feel your pain.
This is NOT advice for what to do in a situationship,but simply laying out what a aituationship look like. Can you please do a video on what to actually do to get past a situationship?
Yes! The title is misleading.
my thoughts exactly
Yes, she did better videos than this one.
And to be honest: although I fully understand that someone wants to advertise for her business, the advertisements that are weaved through this vlog doesn’t make the explanation of the subject very clear. It would have been better if she put those advertisements in the beginning or end of the video.
A big problem is that the term "Situationship" ever came into existence at all. So dumb!
@@nicholastracy4915 Yep....a very good description of an unhealthy and non-committal "relationship" for the most part. It's just another term for a FWB.
@@dr.optionsor stringing people on. Noncommittal, no strings attached, etc.
You have the hook-up culture to thank for that.
Only in American Lol
DA’s don’t even wanna call their situationships “situationship” out of avoidance of a label. Mine said “We’re not in a situationship. We’re just having fun”… After talking everyday for 4 years… so you’re afraid to commit to a situationship now are you? istg next thing we know they’re gonna be scared of “having fun”. “We’re not having fun, we’re just existing at the same time”
The title is misleading Thais.
Exactly ! There’s nothing here on what someone can do. Clickbaiting?
Clicks. You also can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do re changing ppls behavioir❤
I’ve watched so many FA videos trying to understand the person I love that I eventually came to understand that I’m an FA or someone with several FA behaviours myself.😳
Me too.in the past i was anxious attached and it seems i become FA🙄or both🤔
If it's a DA, it's never a two person relationship. They always have one foot firmly out of the door. You're only hurting yourself as you won't change these people. They're highly stubborn and short minded.
My DA literally has his clothes and personal belongings on my front patio!
@@michellebobier-groves7821😅
I’m sorry, for u so not funny I know 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy
I do see the humor in it. I just asked him yesterday if he was sloooowly moving out or if he really liked living with one foot out the door. His reply was that he just liked keeping his options open.
@@michellebobier-groves7821 Good Lord. I just don’t know 1) how we’re still interested in them; 2) how we fell for them in the first place.
@@michellebobier-groves7821 was he serious? Or with a twinkle in his eye? For u does it have a lot to do with compassion for him? Bc for me it does.
Yes, I am. We've been in this for 3 years. We broke up for four months because he wouldn't commit but missed each other so we're back but he's expressing that he's terrified of sharing a life with someone after his painful toxic 11 year relationship, that he has major fears around vulnerability and connection but that he wants to change ... and yet he's terrified of how much work is going to be involved and how scary it's going to feel. I'm encouraging him to take it one small step at a time and I've recommended EMDR therapy and 12 step for sex and love addiction issues (which healed me so much) but I'm trying hard not to take a therapist/mother role and to set my own boundaries while letting him have his own journey. And a journey it is!
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak.
@@SK-no2pp so well said!
This is exactly what happened with my ex. I needed this 6 years ago.
I had no idea until listening to Thais' videos that there was such a thing as a situationship. Then I realized I had been in one for at least 5 years and was very codependent. I had suffered so much trying to figure out why, based on him saying things like I was the helpmate he had been praying for, it never went anywhere beyond him always wanting me to be there. Again, thank you, Thais, for opening my eyes and helping me realize I wasn't crazy! I'm now testing 'secure', trying to see if it can possibly be just a friendship. It's not looking good...
My FA ex had HUGE trust issues with my ability to make money and meet her financial needs. Never communicated or tried to work it out. She self sabotaged the healthy relationship once I met her family 💔
Its confusing.I've been seeing this guy for over a year now.Its like he could hide his dark side from me,but when we went on vaccation 2 weeks ago, i really got a reality check.He was acting avoidant and hot and cold and i could feel his stress from time to time,when we had disacreements.I really wish to be a seccure partner-with or without him.
Avoidant only want situationshop
I was offered one recently and i declined you live and learn
The hardest part about loving someone with this attachment style is when it makes you feel like she's uninterested ):
When the truth is that she probably doesn't deserve you
Exactly. I could never tell if he even liked me. After 2.5 years!!
@@cosmopolitan4043 so now you know what to stay away from.
Im 55yrs ild hes 68, this is our 3rd attempt in 22 yrs, i always end up walking away bc i feel so unstable. When he said to me hes not ready, i walked away again only to prove what he was already scared of...roller-coaster all rhe way😢
One of the biggest reasons why relationships with APs are so triggering for FAs is that APs want from the FA exactly what the FA fears about relationships. Not a great combination.
Do FAs work well with DAs in your experience?
@@atmodleeno
@@SK-no2ppdo FAs and APs work well?
@@atmodlee how? They are two insecure attachment styles. FAs vacillation between closeness and extreme distances which create chaos. It’s the idealization of a loved one and right after devaluation. Not healthy
Thais, first, I love your videos and appreciate all you do! But I have noticed for some reason people’s comments on your videos are far more judgmental, unkind and frankly just not very thoughtful or insightful, as compared to other similar channels I subscribe to…it’s weird.
I'm an FA and I want my DA to label our situationship. He treats me like a princess, and asks me to "Just give me time". All his friends and his Mum know about me but he still won't label what we have after 8 months. I don't know if that's a bad thing
Girl it’s been 8 months don’t keep going on his timeline
@@jelemil what's the alternative?
@@whiggygirlLeave! I’m a FA too & went through this for 3 years with a DA. Took 9 months for him to decide to be official with me.
Just for him to tell me yesterday he never really wanted me & he saw me as a friend the whole time. This is after meeting his whole family, living together, talking almost daily, vacationing together.
Blocked him yesterday & I’m completely done‼️
@tieraladiosa thanks but I don't want to leave. Tomorrow isn't promised and he makes me very happy NOW. I don't want any more from him than he's currently giving. I'd like a title, yes. But he fulfils me in every single other way
@@whiggygirl yeah I felt the same way. Hopefully your situation turns out differently.
(FA) I ended up in a situationship "on accident" because I didn't know I had commitment issues and that I would feel so trapped in a relationship with the wrong person only weeks after that person asked me out and I said yes. Now I keep a safe distance and struggle every day with understanding if this person is right for me or not, and nobody seems to be able to help. So I'm causing a situationship to someone but it's only cause I'm dead scared of hurting them too much by leaving too soon, or leaving too late when they've invested so much in it.
But do you like this person or you know you're just not interested enough to see a future?
Avoidant wants money branching from time to time.
I've learned it's best to let the woman decide when and where the relationship is going. I don't discuss commitment unless she brings it up first and I date other women in the meantime. My focus is always on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, letting a woman come to me at her pace, not mine.
For example, I have an FA friend who I became interested in dating. She told me she wanted to remain friends (which was understandable) and so I left it at that, not mentioning it again. Then she saw me meeting and dating other women and essentially got jealous, changing her mind on things. Then one night while we were hanging out together she says, "do you want a serious relationship with me?" I was actually taken back for a second because I had been so focused on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up that I didn't even see it coming. She then said, "I know you have other girls around you," which was codespeak for "I'm worried I'll have to compete with them." You have to let people come to you at their pace, not yours.
Once you have women figured out, you realize how much the same they all are
@@zeenuf00 well I would say they are all attracted to similar traits. When you look at the bigger picture, it's actually a good thing. They're so competitive by nature (just in different ways) that they certainly keep you in your toes. For example, I told a female friend of mine that I was going to start training and competing in Judo and asked her if she would like to come and watch the shiai (competitions). She said, "absolutely, but you had better give me a good show!" 😂😁💪🏿🥋
Ew I am a Fa women and the opposite. Men always try to get as much as possible for as little as possible commitment or effort. Why would I let someone give all the relationship benefits without him being able to articulate their feelings or wish to go towards a relationship? Because in most cases that just gets you used. A man is 99% looking for sex, just look at the dating apps they fully admit it. It's therefor the mans job to show they have sincere feelings and intentions. I therefor would choose in your situation friendship as you haven't been able to show intent and didn't confess any feelings. And I would therefor not care if I would feel jealous or feelings myself as a partner I want is a partner that treats me right and would choose me. I wouldn't want to "win" from other women as I am not fighting or competing to be chosen. You want me or not and this should be reflected in your words and actions.
@@user-js4mt1nr2y sounds like you either haven't been choosing the RIGHT men or the men you actually WANT aren't interested in a relationship with you. Either way, you're making ASSUMPTIONS about the relationship between me and my FA and if she had YOUR attitude, I wouldn't go beyond a casual acquaintance. This is just based on what you've presented here, but I digress...
That said, I don't stand around and wait for women to decide whether or not they're interested in me. It's either a yes or a no and if it's NOT a yes, then it IS a no. Life is short and I have a long list of goals I may not even get to ACCOMPLISH in my lifetime, so I'm not going to wait around while someone "figures it out." If she NEEDS time to consider things that's fine, but I'm going to date other women in the meantime.
@user-js4mt1nr2y talk to a man who's been on the other side of it. Think it's any different?
It makes us feel unloved and not cared for if they don’t commit. I’ve been personalizing it and taking it personal. He wants to continue to see what happens for us and I don’t. This is normal to him. He see no problem with it
I was in a situationship with an FA. But guess what? He was in a real relationship with someone else, she had his baby, was buying her flowers and putting in effort he wouldn’t for me. He was telling her he loved her, not me. I was being used. She’s being used. He would tell me how fragile his heart is and be so gentle… for himself. He cared about his own feelings/needs/wants… not mine and not hers. She’s not more lucky than me even tho he was slightly more committed to her than me. She thinks she won. She won nothing. He still texts me. I’m done. She can settle. Let these ppl go. Don’t try to underStand them. He ruined me
I am so tired of people making excuses for these toxic individuals.
Idc what you label them.
They are toxic;
Thank you. Thais. I'm sure this. and PDS materials can prove very helpful to secure (or other) people in identifying they're in a relationship or situationship with an FA or DA, and to FA's themselves.
After 60 years, I learned about attachment styles and trauma/ CPTSD from PDS, actually, after I took attachment style test (3 times) and each time came back as FA.
I lost a great partner. and am in "No Contact" with someone who really was my everything, and I just didn't put in the work and reciprocate consistently. We do have a lot of great memories.
If you're FA, do the work - PDS, counseling, 12 step rooms if addiction was an issue like it is with me.
Thais, my request for a video or course - may be a bit long, but I would like to fully describe it.
Advice for FAs if the other person "finally" ended it, and FA made attempt to apologize and /or make amends (phone, email, text, in person) and the response was harsh and accusatory; for example accusing FA of only talking about their pain and not the other person's, or if plans were still made like a concert, of accusing FA of seeing the concert or attending event and only caring about other person as a "token" when in fact FA always enjoyed experiences with and because of sharing them with that person.
So, addressing how to apologize in a way that really shows empathy, and that we understand what it felt like to leave them lonely, sidelined, not getting their needs met, us not initiating text or phone often enough, making them feel anxious, etc. So how to make amends and truly apologize when we're afraid to contact them again. This assumes there was no abuse, of course. In my case there was no abuse, although my avoidance probably was a form of it, for which I feel horrible. I also need to make amends to her Sister.
So how to truly apologize with deep understanding and empathy for ex partner when you are afraid it will be met with harsh response, no response, or something we may be better off not knowing - like if they're in a new relationship.
Also, how to really get to place where we're doing the work for ourselves. Heart of hearts, I kind of want the external validation from her, I want her to know I'm trying to improve myself, become more aware, and STOP the FA behaviors - at same time do this for me because I may never see or hear from her again. Also, I keep scrolling her social media for "reassurance" that all our pictures are still on her wall (they are, at this time)
I know cognitively this is very unhealthy, but I feel like it's all I have (and since FB does not show who views your profile unless it's in form of a story).
I guess this is a form of quiet social stalking and I hate myself for doing it and feel like I'm trying to be "close" to her, which of course is an illusion.
I put a lot of this in 1st person description of my situation, but am asking for a new course or longer video about this, please.
Finally, I took the breakup course, and it did help to try and equilibrate some things, but she truly did nothing wrong, and I'm saturated in guilt and regret with seemingly no way out. It's affecting my work and fitness and I think is starting take toll in my mental health.
God, this hurt to listen to. I was dating a guy for months and things were so great. I kept telling my friends that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we made things official, I immediately felt overwhelmed and shut down and ended things. But I never got over him and we remained friends and in this confusing situationship. I know we’re just hurting each other. I’m trying to communicate better.
Hi, Thais, thank you for the time and enlightening information you put in all your videos. I've recently dove into attachment styles. I am an AP who's been with a DA, off & on (of course) for 20 years in March of this year. We're struggling again, and I REALLY want to make this work. I've finally gotten him to say he'll commit to the course. I have 2 questions I keep having trouble with:
1) Is it possible to be a true DA, but really dive in feet first at the beginning of a relationship? Because he was the pursuer of our relationship at first, and he bordered on obsessive. His perseverance paid off, I fell deeply in love, and he backed off over time when he got me. He doesn't classify as FA, yet he acted as an AP, but only at first in both relationships we've had 4 years apart. None of that behavior is present anymore.
2) Is it possible to be a true DA, but NOT have a the childhood you described they typically have? I've wondered if I have caused him to become this way, being that we got together so young, and have been doing this anxious-avoidant dance for 20 years. It's true his mother brushed things under the rug, but his grandparents didn't, and he's very well loved. In a way, he's actually coddled. There was no painful anythings to really cause him to associate pain with relationships... unless I caused it. There has never been any unfaithfulness, but I'm apparently really ugly with my mouth. He sees it's all bath and no bite. That's another thing. I'm DEFINITELY AP. However, I don't have any issue commination my needs, they had rarely get met. I'll get a nod like he's on board and understands everything I've pointed out, but work is rarely put into it. Meanwhile, it feels like all I do is put in effort, and it's requiring more & more over the years. We both want to save this relationship, but he has lost faith that we will work, and I'm stuck on screaming in my head, "We could if you'd actually work on things." I don't know what to do. As I said before, he has finally agreed, but you can tell he has no faith in the course, and thinks very little of any therapy for relationships. He strongly believes you shouldn't have a need for therapy if the relationship is meant to work; it just should, and he is stuck on how good we were for the first few years. Please advise me on what to do.
I know you're a busy woman, and my comment is ridiculously long, but PLEASE help us. We're close to imploding again,, and this time, it's it. I felt the need to give you a bit of background. I would SO appreciate if you could advise me on how to get him into the anxious-avoidant trap course. We both need major work, but I'm more than willing, and this resonates so deeply with me. It feels like this is what we need, but of course, I have reservations about it due to his unwillingness to really get in there. I'd also love to find out if there's something within one of your courses that can further "test" to see where he fits on the scale of avoidant.
@@Mileys_choiceI won't give relationship advice but if he shows signs of DA and AP, he's probably FA (I'm an FA). We go back and forth between AP/DA, some lean towards one side more than the other more often, some cycle rapidly, idk we're just on a rollercoaster. I can relate to things in her videos on AP and DA since I'm FA. The deeper we go in a relationship, the more afraid we become aka more toxic/insecure (which may come out as more DA or AP depending on the person or even the moment!). FAs want intimacy but once we have it, we become afraid, it feels too vulnerable. Which makes sense if he was really loving in the beginning and then pushes you away. Also FAs usually develop this way because love/security was inconsistent, maybe his grandparents loved him well, not sure what his mom's issue is (sweeping things under the rug probably didn't feel good to him), and you didn't mention his dad or why he was around his grandparents so much. Why don't you think he's FA? I can't blame commenters on this channel that say FAs are the most toxic because we're on an emotional rollercoaster and drag our partners through with us (well at least if someone lets us/stays). At least DAs are consistent 😂 but I think it might've been on this channel, she mentioned once that FAs are the most addicting to be with since we give inconsistent rewards
Has he taken her test yet? Idk if he's FA but it is taking me an incredible amount of effort and dedication to heal myself
Her test used to give percentages, it's disappointing it doesn't anymore. When I take it now, it says I'm FA. But it used to say like 40% FA, 40% DA, 10% AP, 10% secure. I'm an FA that leans DA usually
Alright so he broke up with me then came back after a month loves talking with me…two weeks later let’s get back together…48 hours later it’s too complicated what if he starts feeling unsatisfied again he scared it won’t work….so does this advice also pertain to an ex
This is helpful, thank you.
Hey this channel is quite good, and i have been in this area for years
Please create another video explaining this.
This video should be titled “why fearful avoidants are not good material for a romantic partner” 😆
You know what often happens to women with avoidant attachment problems? Guys with experience pump and dump them because they can tend to be easy to pick up.
I used to be one of those guys. I could spot a woman with attachment issues a mile off. Easy game.
Then I started to feel remorse about it, and stopped. Now I just avoid these women. It's not fun mucking around in other people's unhealed trauma.
Yep. It's a cold world out there. Work on getting better.